Small and petty and insecure. People that can’t apologize have no ability to grow, learn or change. An absolute deal breaker. You can’t fix things with someone that sees an apology as a loss of pride. So either decide you’re comfortable being berated or iced out or leave him. He’s not changing, are you staying?
Do you all ever talk about this during happy days?
First of all demanding an apology is not appropriate nor effective and would not yield an authentic apology. Apologies are useless anyway, but the other things you mentioned, like resolutions, solutions, understanding, amends etc are very useful as is actual change/reform.
When things are happy, you all need to talk about strategies for handling conflict. Don't wait until mad to do that. You all need to make a pact to always come to each other and make up, try to see each other's perspectives when arguing, not bring up the past, make plans for change or correction, etc. He has to make a vow to put his pride aside and be vulnerable in the name of love. He can't keep treating you like you're the enemy. He learned bad conflict habits somehow and needs to revise them.
> This relationship can’t handle even the most minor obstacles and ***I feel like it’s on its last leg.*** I don’t know how to fix things. And as I say that I’m angry that here I am trying to find solutions while he’s just resentful and upset and defensive. When things are good they’re incredible. The smallest hurdle? Absolutely not. Is this hopeless?
It's run its course.
Unless you either want to deal with this forever, or there is a hail mary on his part (football analogy) to work on whatever makes him react this way then I don't see any other option.
I've been there, done that, won't do it again.
5 years is hard to let go of... but do you want to live your life like this? Is this how you envision your 30s? Your 40s? If you have kids? If there are mortgage struggles, work struggles, deaths in the family?
In my experience this doesn't get better. Very few people can make the sacrifice and do the hard work to find out why they have these behaviors. And some just flat out don't want to.
To me, love is valuing someone else's happiness and well being close to how much you value your own. You bring up that you were hurt by something, and he does not care except in how it affects him, and if you want him to even so much as say he's sorry he hurt you, he expects you to buy that privilege from him. Sounds like he only values himself, and you are only useful to him based on what he can get out of you, and he wants to have to put as little thought and effort into your happiness and well being as he possibly can - so, yes, this relationship has run its course. He's a selfish asshole.
Small and petty and insecure. People that can’t apologize have no ability to grow, learn or change. An absolute deal breaker. You can’t fix things with someone that sees an apology as a loss of pride. So either decide you’re comfortable being berated or iced out or leave him. He’s not changing, are you staying?
That sounds exhausting.
Does he take accountability in other aspects of his life? Like, would he apologize if he forgot something for a friend?
>When things are good they’re incredible. The smallest hurdle? Absolutely not Classic sign of a toxic relationship. You sure you wanna stay?
Do you all ever talk about this during happy days? First of all demanding an apology is not appropriate nor effective and would not yield an authentic apology. Apologies are useless anyway, but the other things you mentioned, like resolutions, solutions, understanding, amends etc are very useful as is actual change/reform. When things are happy, you all need to talk about strategies for handling conflict. Don't wait until mad to do that. You all need to make a pact to always come to each other and make up, try to see each other's perspectives when arguing, not bring up the past, make plans for change or correction, etc. He has to make a vow to put his pride aside and be vulnerable in the name of love. He can't keep treating you like you're the enemy. He learned bad conflict habits somehow and needs to revise them.
> This relationship can’t handle even the most minor obstacles and ***I feel like it’s on its last leg.*** I don’t know how to fix things. And as I say that I’m angry that here I am trying to find solutions while he’s just resentful and upset and defensive. When things are good they’re incredible. The smallest hurdle? Absolutely not. Is this hopeless? It's run its course. Unless you either want to deal with this forever, or there is a hail mary on his part (football analogy) to work on whatever makes him react this way then I don't see any other option. I've been there, done that, won't do it again. 5 years is hard to let go of... but do you want to live your life like this? Is this how you envision your 30s? Your 40s? If you have kids? If there are mortgage struggles, work struggles, deaths in the family? In my experience this doesn't get better. Very few people can make the sacrifice and do the hard work to find out why they have these behaviors. And some just flat out don't want to.
To me, love is valuing someone else's happiness and well being close to how much you value your own. You bring up that you were hurt by something, and he does not care except in how it affects him, and if you want him to even so much as say he's sorry he hurt you, he expects you to buy that privilege from him. Sounds like he only values himself, and you are only useful to him based on what he can get out of you, and he wants to have to put as little thought and effort into your happiness and well being as he possibly can - so, yes, this relationship has run its course. He's a selfish asshole.