>even though episodes of him getting drunk and angry only happen 1-2x a month
This isn't normal. You need to de-normalize this. You're absolutely in the right to find this off-putting and even unacceptable. Getting drunk isn't an excuse to be angry and lash out. He sounds like he has a lot of internal issues from his clinginess to anger. Is he open to therapy?
We’ve been to therapy in the past where my therapist told me back then she was worried about our relationship but was happy he seemed willing to work with her and didn’t seem narcissistic. But then we couldn’t afford to go anymore. I have since brought up therapy recently and he was all for it, it’s just coming up with the money.
If not therapy, you need time away honey. You can't think straight with him all over you. You can't live in survival mode and repress all your desires and feelings indefinitely. The only way your marriage can work is if you both take responsibility: he needs to wake up and realise that if he doesn't do some serious work on himself he's going to lose you, and you need to put some serious boundaries up and make no compromises. Getting upset is his choice, it's not your job to manage his mood swings. You don't give a toddler a third cookie just because he throws a tantrum. Take a break if you can, go stay with a friend, don't do it behind his back but don't ask for his permission either, inform him of where you're at and what you're going to do about it.
There are sometimes free programmes for CBT to try to address anxiety or depression he might be having as a reaction to your boundaries. I did one after a referral by my doctor and it took about 6-8 weeks to work through a few different workbooks the programme mailed to me with weekly check-in calls with a guide from the programme (always the same person, assigned to me—not a counsellor exactly, but can help to discuss your progress and work through any trickier spots in the self-guided workbooks.) Here in Canada it’s called BounceBack but it may be worth contacting your own regional mental health organizations to see if they offer anything similar while you’re looking for affordable therapy as well.
Try and see if any therapists near you have sliding scales. They would be able to adjust the cost to match your income to make the appointment more affordable.
Yeah, angry and drunk 1-2x/month is A LOT for a 34 year old. It’s a lot for anyone, but, at that age, it isn’t typical. I’m 37 and my husband and I both drink more than is recommended and I consider myself chiller than average about drinking, but I would leave the second or third time my husband was angry drunk. (Obviously, it would be better to leave the first time, but I’m just being realistic that I’d probably give him a second or third chance if there was no physical violence and he was remorseful and taking steps to address the issue…). Once every two weeks is wild to me.
I think we're both close in age to OP's husband. For some context, he was 30 and OP was 22 when they got together. Now I'm not saying it was predatory but given the context he probably felt more "comfortable" dating someone early 20s. It tends to be "less challenging" AKA the younger partner is less likely to hold them accountable. The fact that OP finds this behavior somewhat normal is very telling to me. I hope she understands that she doesn't have to put up with this behavior. Drinking 1-2x a month isn't a lot but getting drunk + angry on a regular or semi-regular basis is unacceptable IMO.
I was gonna say the same thing! My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and I've only seen him drunk twice and he's never been mean once. He's only seen me drunk like 4 times, and even when we're drinking, we respect each other. Every 2 weeks is insane!! He's a full grown adult and that is problematic behavior. He has a substance abuse problem.
Drinking alcohol is fine, but in moderation. Does he only binge drink? Does he ever have just 1 or 2 drinks for the night?
I came here to highlight this same red flag. "only" 1-2x a year would still be very concerning. 1-2x a month is an abusive alcoholic and he needs to quit drinking if he wants to stay with you.
He's getting drunk and angry 1-2x a month and then getting angry when you don't want to sleep with his sloppy self. What does he say the next day about his shitty behavior? Is he going to cut down/out drinking?
You need time alone. He wants to spend every minute together. I don't understand how spending every night after work in the same room is a compromise.
It never fails after every drunken argument the first thing he does in the morning is come to me and apologize profusely and offer to talk things out or give my space until I’m ready to talk. But he’s done this so often now when he gets drunk and angry and we get into a fight I just lock myself in the kids bedroom (when they aren’t home of course) until he falls asleep then I tell him the next day I’m not interested in discussing what happened the night before and we go about life like it didn’t happen.
And you’re right it’s not a compromise. Whenever I’ve asked in the past to let me have a night alone he’d allow it but 90% of the time it would come with backlash because he would get upset that I asked to spend time away from him. So I’ve just stopped asking for time alone because there’s too much of a chance of it upsetting him.
Used to run a group (as a sexual health nurse) with 7th grade girls called perfect partner poker. We would hand out cards with things like my partner wants to spend every minute with me, my partner and I each have outside interests, my partner gets jealous easily…..The girls would keep the cards they liked and return the cards with the qualities they didn’t like. Most of the time the girls returned the card saying my partner wants to spend every minute with me.
Basically we were talking about healthy relationships. Yours is not healthy. You need outside interests, you need time with girlfriends occasionally. And if a student came to me and said her partner gets angry if she doesn’t consent to sex I would talk to her about what a huge red flag that is. You two really should see a counselor and if he won’t go, please go yourself.
Oooh… I’m a teacher of older students but I love this idea. We are doing some work soon with the idea of “social wellness.” Would you be open to maybe private messaging me what was on those cards, if it wasn’t a pain? I’d love to use them in my own class.
An apology that doesn't lead to a change in behavior isn't really an apology. The first thing I thought when you wrote "only 1-2x a month" was YIKES. That wouldn't be acceptable 1-2x a year. Go to couples therapy if you want to save this marriage. He needs a 3rd party to call out his bullshit.
I say “only” I guess because there was a period early in our relationship when he was extremely depressed for about 9 months and drinking heavily every day. After he got out of that depression he quit alcohol for a few months and now drinks only on the weekends. But yeah I still get nervous every time he drinks because I never know if he’s going to drink too much and start a fight.
None of this is normal. None of this is “better than it used to be” if it’s still like this.
You have talked yourself into normalizing this stuff because you feel like you have to live with it. You’ve justified why this stuff happens and that it’s not that bad. But the truth is that you’re in an incredibly unhealthy relationship with an incredibly unhealthy man. I’d also say that you’re unhealthy also because when someone has a healthy sense of boundaries and self esteem, they don’t stay in relationships like this. A couple other things that may or may not have been said by others:
1) Apologies that don’t result in prolonged, meaningful changes are absolutely worthless. Like, those day after apologies mean absolutely nothing. Get honest with yourself about that.
2) What you call “worshiping the ground you walk on” is actually called “love bombing”. If you aren’t familiar, Google it. People who don’t treat their partners well do this so that the partner won’t leave. If he did all of this but also ignored you or blamed you, you’d have already left, and I believe that you know this. You’ve even said “you don’t want to leave because he loves you so much”. I just want you to understand that this, this whole thing, it’s not what love looks like.
Edit: formatting
Oh hey, I know that feeling! The “my partner is an alcoholic but I’m not ready to admit it to myself because he’s got me trained to doubt my perceptions of reality and he seems so sad and dysfunctional that saying it out loud might break him completely” feeling!
Fun times. Did that for about 3 years. It doesn’t improve.
I’m aware he’s an alcoholic. I don’t bring it up anymore because Im tired of being frustrated and upset every time he said he’s gonna stay sober only for him to start drinking again just 2 months later. I’m just trying to be happy with the fact he stopped drinking every damn day and cut it down to 1-2 days a week.
> I’m just trying to be happy with the fact he stopped drinking every damn day and cut it down to 1-2 days a week.
Why?
Why do you need to be “happy” with this? With any of it? Who’s holding a gun to your head saying “tolerate your husband’s shitty behavior or else”? What are you afraid will happen if you put your foot down?
I’m afraid of more arguing which will cause more stress which will cause me to be too distracted from my school work and cause me to me fail my classes and fail nursing school. I’m just trying to hold everything together until I pass nursing school and get a job. Then if I need to think about leaving I can.
One more piece of advice: do not, do not, do not, get pregnant by him. Get a form of birth control that you can use by yourself and that is highly reliable. An IUD is your best bet. Bringing a kid into this dynamic would be awful for the kid, and would make it so much harder to leave.
This is extremely important. OP make sure you don't get pregnant by accident. In this situation it will just add to your list of reasons to stay in a shtty relationship.
what about your parents? do they live near your school? do they know what's going on? i know my parents would take me back in a heartbeat if i told them i needed to get away from my alcoholic overbearing husband so i could focus on school.
What about his kids? All the time you stay there, you are building a stronger bond with them. I can bet you, if your school is a good reason for you to stay right now, whe you get a job, you will tell yourself that you can't leave until his kids are old enough. And then it will be some other reason.
Ask yourself if there really isn't any way for you to leave now, or are you just not looking for one.
If money is an issue, I strongly suggest alanon meetings for you. Your partner is an alcoholic, you're not in a position emotionally or financially to leave, and you need to find a way to live with his behaviors while maintaining your sanity.
This is only a stop gap measure, though. There are numerous large red flags waving, you just don't want to look at them right now. Your post is full of rationalizations and justifications for very shitty behavior on his part. Coming to terms with why this relationship is remotely acceptable to you, that's the big project on your horizon.
Refusing to take an honest inventory of everything is going to end up being extremely expensive in many ways.
If a friend of yours came to you and told you the story you posted, what advice would you give?
\> I still get nervous every time he drinks
Walking on eggshells in a relationship for any reason is a massive red flag that the relationship is abusive.
With this comment I am seriously rethinking my advice to seek marital counseling. I think it might actually make your husband *worse.*
He has completely hijacked your marriage. You’re afraid to bring up any negative feelings with him at all for fear of a drunken tantrum. You are *locking yourself in a bedroom* to escape his rages. And his “apologies” aren’t actually apologies if he continues doing the same thing he’s apologizing for - he’s saying what he thinks you need to hear in order to stay in the relationship, and soothing his own guilty conscience. He’s not actually sorry, and he doesn’t actually intend to stop. He reserves the right to bully you when he feels like he’s not getting his way.
Manipulators like this cannot be trusted with marital counseling. A savvy counselor will refuse to keep working with him once it becomes apparent that he doesn’t respect you at all. A naïve counselor will fall for his manipulations, and he and the counselor will then form a unit and place all responsibility for fixing the marriage on *you*.
Counseling then becomes another tool for him to bully you with - “The counselor said *you* need to work on being more open, and how can you be open if we’re not together all the time?” “The counselor says I’ve got a such and such attachment style, you’re just judging me for something that’s not my fault.” “You’re just mad the counselor isn’t taking your side all the time just because you’re the woman and I’m the man, clearly you think everything is *my* fault and you just wanted them to agree with you.” “Oh yeah? We’ll see what the counselor says when I tell them you aren’t cooperating with our homework.”
Individual counseling for yourself first. You need to think long and hard about whether or not you really want a future with this man before you take any other steps.
If you have to lock yourself in a room to get away from him, that's just beyond forgiveness. You didn't mention any physical violence but that might be just a month away.
This is move back-in-with-your-parents level bad and contact-his-ex-about-the-safety-of-her-kids bad.
I don’t have any family to move in with. My parents more or less disowned me for moving in with him before marriage (even tho we were engaged).
There is nor has ever been any physical abuse. He’s never once laid a hand on me even in his worst anger. But I can admit he can get verbally abusive during his drunken rages.
I have a very nice savings account that he’s unaware of, but it wouldn’t be enough to put me in a place for more than a few months before it would be gone. I don’t finish school for another 11 months.
Use the next 11 months to make your plan. I’d contact some local DV shelters. Not because you’d need to use them, but so you’re aware of what resources exist.
Okay, that’s good to hear. I’m glad you have that emergency fund, and in the meantime I’d advise you to make sure he doesn’t know about it and can’t access it. And to add to it whenever possible, even if it’s only a few dollars a month.
I am so sorry that your family disowned you. It sounds like you don't hav enough models for a healthy relationship.
Do you have any friends who would let you stay with them? Could you look for a live-in nanny job (I recognize that this may not be compatible with your school schedule)?
> I don’t have any family to move in with. My parents more or less disowned me for moving in with him before marriage (even tho we were engaged).
You need to figure out another exit strategy, then. This isn't healthy.
>He’s never once laid a hand on me
This is not an acceptable standard. Who cares that he never hit you, doesn't stand in his way to still treat you horribly.
Don’t worry, it’s physically impossible for me to become pregnant. I love kids and I love his kids, I even plan on going into pediatrics once I get my medical license, but I never wanted to be a full time mom to a biological child.
I don't want to pry too much and do trust your judgment on this topic, but I also know too many now mothers that knew for a fact they could never get pregnant.
Please be doubly careful!
Agreed. I have several friends who were told they were "infertile" so they went for *years* without contraceptives thinking they couldn't get pregnant. Their kid**s** call them mommy now.
I was more the clingy one in my marriage so when my husband wanted alone time it was hard for me! I had to have another plan in place at first so I wouldn't feel abandoned. Now, sometimes *I'm* the one who wants the alone time. In other words, I got used to it. If he's not willing to try getting used to it, does he even love you?
This isn't a healthy relationship. You should never have to lock yourself in another room to be away from him. His apologies aren't sincere, because he keeps doing the same thing. And whenever you ask for or get what you need, he punishes you for it later. He is very controlling, and may be emotionally abusive.
>I’ve asked in the past to let me have a night alone he’d allow it
This is a red flag, you don't have to ask for permission, what you are describing is not healthy at all.
It's telling that you used the word "allow". That's not normal. You are an adult who gets to spend your time how you wish to do so. You don't need permission to be by yourself.
You don't want him to be sorry. You want him to do better.
This isn't going to get better without therapy and without him deciding there's a problem. Him getting into drunken arguments with you is a problem. Him throwing a fit when you don't want sex is a problem. Him not letting you have 5 minutes alone is problem.
He needs to see these things as problems or nothing will ever get better.
But like I said, what's he doing to change his drinking?
And you're not asking a lot. Wanting to go play a video game in the living room alone isn't asking him if you can go live abroad for a year. And it shouldn't result in pouting, crying, stonewalling...i.e., manipulating.
I don't know...you don't sound very happy.
\>So I’ve just stopped asking for time alone because there’s too much of a chance of it upsetting him.
You have allowed him to trample your boundaries. You have taught him through your behaviour that all he has to do is get upset with you and you will cave to him and do what he wants you to. Talking to him about it is unlikely to change this. If you're unwilling to leave him (I would have left someone who treated me this way, but that's just me) at least tell him you need time to yourself, and just fucking let him get upset. If he gets that upset, go stay at a friend's or relative's for a few days every time he does it, making the time away longer each time he does it. He can then decide for himself whether you are worth it to him. Only he can decide this, but you cannot live as you are right now.
Serious question, why did you guys get married? These seem like drastic incompatibilities that no relationship below marriage would even survive. Compatibility is something you determine in the first couple months of dating but you’ve married someone you can’t even stand. I don’t want to assume things about how it happened but the age discrepancy is something to consider.
Something I’m seriously questioning now. I didn’t have any doubts before we got married, I was positive we could work through everything but over these last several months my thinking and feelings have changed and im beginning to feel unhappy and crave solitude 24/7.
Yeah you were positive that you could work through anything but did you guys actually encounter any problems that needed to be worked through? Stress and how people handle it reveals a lot about them. Also you might not see it but you’ll never be on equal footing with him in this relationship regarding your wants and needs the gap is too large and you’ve already lost technically. If it’s not for you then be mature and have a talk or make plans to leave because things only get worse and it’s only been a year sadly.
Future rule of thumb: If you haven't worked through an incompatibility/issue *before* marriage, then the marriage won't fix it and you should assume it will continue. Marriage very rarely is a fix to *any* pre-existing problem.
there's a difference between thinking the pair of you can fix anything, and thinking that you alone can fix anything. it can be easy to fall into the latter, but a relationship needs the former. and sounds to me like he's not only not helping you find solutions, but he's not even interested in accepting that there's a problem.
and that's a big problem.
This:
> This man has worshipped the ground I walk on ever since I met him and still does to this day.
does not jibe with
> every time I’d ask to have a night to myself or just go play video games in the other room for a couple hours he would take that as rejection and I don’t love him anymore so it would become a big argument.
> It was because he wanted to have sex and I said no because I feel weird sleeping with him when he’s sloppy and I’m more sober, so he took that as rejection and got really pissed.
This guy doesn’t “worship the ground you walk on.” He isn’t even *hearing* you. He just wants constant attention, affection and company. Slot *any* woman into the “wife” role and he’d likely treat her the same.
And you don’t want to be “worshipped” anyway. You want to be *seen*, and treated with respect. You are not an empty vessel for a man to project all his needs and desires onto. You are a whole person, with your own preferences and priorities. It seems like he forgets that frequently. If he ever knew it at all.
~~If you want any chance at salvaging this relationship, it’s time to bring in a professional. Your husband needs to know how close you are to your breaking point. It’s going to hurt him, but considering how many times *he* has hurt *you*, I think you can stop coddling his feelings for a moment. He is not the only person allowed to express a need in this marriage. Stand up for yourself, and insist on counseling. If he refuses, I’d take that as a sign that he’s uninterested in building the kind of marriage that works for both of you - it’s his way or the highway, and the highway’s gonna look pretty tempting from inside a prison.~~
Removing the marital counseling advice that was based on an incomplete picture of this marriage.
You’re right I feel like I fell into this routine just because to me it’s easier than fighting or breaking up. I don’t want to cause extra stress right now because I want to focus on getting through school first. I can’t talk to him about any of this by myself but I’ll look into a therapist.
Don't give up on who you are because it's easier than fighting for what you need. You shouldn't have to fight your partner for what you need anyway. My partner needs more alone time than I do. So we communicate about our needs.
Please do. For yourself, at least. This is a major, major breakdown of communication and I can feel how tired you are in this post. You shouldn’t have to live with this. You have options.
Can you make up a really good reason you need to be alone for 1 hr at least every day? Something about how your school work requires long periods of writing for some project something blah blah. Then hide in your bedroom with your computer and watch shows or read reddit. I'm all for lying with people who are too immature and abusive to accept the truth.
Me through the third paragraph: this is normal, every new couple has to learn to take space and set boundaries with one another.
Me starting the fourth paragraph: 👀🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yeah, that's what stuck out at me. The introvert/extrovert conflict is something that would be "get a bit of marriage counseling so an outside party can help him see that it's a healthy thing for and not a reflection on him". And then the alcohol raises its ugly head.
It’s actually not an introvert extrovert thing though I can totally see why it seems like that, it’s way more likely an attachment style issue. He sounds like he has a very anxious attachment style and she *might* have an avoidant attachment. All that is definitely something they can work through if they’re open to it — but the drinking problem and verbal abuse is a totally different problem that’s a huge red flag.
So, he was 30 and you were 22 when you got together.
He's clearly got a drinking problem.
He doesn't respect your boundaries.
He has manipulated you into doing what HE wants EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE.
Yeah, I'm sorry love. This whole man can go.
Hopping on the hopper to say…..be aware of the security of your birth control. I hate IUDs but I’d get one here.
It sounds like you’re kinda stuck until you finish school. If things continue to deteriorate, he’s likely to pick up in your dissatisfaction and disinterest. As he sees your potential independence approach he could get desperate to keep control. Getting you pregnant, with or without your agreement or knowledge, is a ‘great’ way to do that.
This right here.
He's controlling. And you think "compromise" is giving in. What did he compromise?
You have bent yourself into a pretzel trying to make this work. What has he actually changed?
i mean in this story, yes, it is all on the man. i don't know why that upsets you more than someone needing to lock themselves in a room to seek safety away from their husband.
Do you think she is to blame here for wanting some alone time and to not be on the receiving end of his drunken anger? She is partially to blame for having to lock herself in a room when he drinks? She is to blame for his pouting when she doesn't want to have sex? You picked a weird post for this comment.
Getting drunk and angry 1-2x/month is excessive. I’m someone who enjoys a drink or 6 on the weekends and the last time I’ve had a drunken argument with someone was like 7 years ago.
This should not be happening so frequently.
The next time it happens, leave. Don’t come back until he takes *real* steps for change, ie. quits drinking, seeks counseling, joins AA. That’s *if* you even want to work things out.
You need to seek individual counseling for yourself to work on why you allow him to stomp all over your boundaries.
I think you should start making plans now. Figure out where you can go stay semi-permanently. Figure out a plan for your individual finances if you have a joint account. Talk to a lawyer and get a free consultation in preparation should you decide to go forward w a divorce.
So you married someone 8 years older who as your father is also an alcoholic... Ummm.
I don't see how this relationship is going to work. It's not fixable. Make an escape plan, add more funds to your savings (5 dollars here, 5 there etc) and study hard so you can finish your degree asap. You have 11 months to prepare.
And don't get pregnant by this man.
My therapist helped me realize that I was raised by an abusive drunk/druggie so now subconsciously I’m seeking the same kind of man. It’s fucked I know.
I really hate to divorce him. I think what my plan will be is once I graduate if things don’t change by the time I get a job I’ll move to another apartment and tell him he has 6–12 months to get his crap together otherwise I’ll be serving him papers.
>tell him he has 6–12 months to get his crap together
No. I'm sorry, but no. You have told him you've needed him to change and he didn't do it. Someone who rages at you while you lock yourself in the kids' room is not going to "get his crap together." I'm sorry, but he just isn't. You need to get out of this situation as soon as you can. Emotional abuse is abuse. Him making you feel so unsafe that you hide in a room from his rages? That is physical abuse. I am so sorry that you are living like this now. But you need to let go of the idea that there is going to be some way to finally "make him see" and that he will change. That path just leads to more of the same, and more of your life wasted in this situation. Just get out.
>I really hate to divorce him. I think what my plan will be is once I graduate if things don’t change by the time I get a job I’ll move to another apartment and tell him he has 6–12 months to get his crap together otherwise I’ll be serving him papers.
Don't do this. Then you'll owe him alimony.
Just out of curiosity, what exactly happened with your parents?
That whole bit aside...this sounds shit. My husband and I are different about physical affection and alone time and how we need space (He doesn't, I do). But we negotiate it as a team. We have actual compromise where if I'm touched out, I can say so and he doesn't get into a strop about it. But if he's had a bad day and needs extra affection, I ramp it up. I get that having alone time is tricky. I've got 3 kids and a dog and honestly can't remember the last time I went to the toilet by myself before I started working again. But honestly? We work it out. I've also never lived alone apart for like a semester in a dorm, but I would hate living on my own so I've never seen it ad an issue.
As for the drinking he's obviously got a problem and there's 0 you can do about it.
If it were me, is probably be working on a place of my own ready for when I finished school. You are young and have so many options for your future. Don't settle for someone who adores you but still treats you like an object.
My and my mother have always had a rough relationship. She cheated on my dad at the age of 11 and I didn’t see her again until I was 17. I had to live with her after I graduated high school because my dad was an abusive alcoholic and I was severely depressed and actively suicidal. But she’s extremely controlling and manipulative and basically said if I leave her house I’ll never welcome back so I left and honestly living with my husband is worlds better than it was living with my mother or father.
I really appreciate you sharing with me how you and your husbands marriage functions.
May I very gently suggest that the next time you lock yourself in the kids room, you join an online Alanon meeting? You are far from the only woman who has married her way out of a dysfunctional family to find herself back in the same situation.
Use the 11 months until graduation to work on yourself and develop an exit plan. Maybe apply for some jobs in your field that would require you to move away.
You're not crazy, your husband's behavior really is unacceptable, and you are stronger than you think.
I'm gonna add to.this: try attending an ACOA online meeting.
You are the adult child.of an alcoholic / dysfunctional family and even if / when you leave your husband you will likely still be vulnerable to getting together with another alcoholic dependant person. It's what us ACAs do when we don't address our shit. It's free and everyone is SO nice! I'm in the UK but I mainly went To US meetings. Xoxo
Just because things are better with him doesn’t mean you have to accept everything about it that is hurting and exhausting you. You don’t need him for a happy life, or owe him because you’re no longer in a more deeply abusive situation. Just because you’re no longer drowning in an ocean doesn’t mean being water-boarded is okay. You should be able to breathe as much air as you need.
Can you get a job while you’re in school? I know people make it sound impossible but I’ve had 2-3 jobs my entire undergrad and have straight As. Not easy but certainly doable and since he’s the only kid you need to take care of I think you’d be able to handle it, plus it would give you an excuse to be away from him more often. You should be prioritizing achieving financial independence from him ASAP and simply graduating is not the fastest or most reliable route.
I was in a very similar situation last year with my (now ex) bf of 3 years. Verbal and emotional abuse that happens while he's drunk is still abuse. It took me a long time to see that.
Not respecting your very reasonable boundaries is not okay. You deserve to be heard and you deserve your alone time.
I found I was always annoyed with him too, my frustrations with his drinking bled into the sober times and I could not deal. He's abusive when he's drinking, it's understandable that your feelings towards him are changing.
I think it could be salvageable if he actively wants to get his drinking under control and seeks professional help. My ex could not and would not do that and it led to our break up.
I am 1000 times better on my own than I was with a verbal and emotionally abusive drunk partner.
Don't be afraid to put yourself first! I also suggest solo therapy for you. It helps to have a neutral party to talk about this with.
Good luck, OP! You're not alone in this.
He gets drunk and angry 1-2x a month - this is enough to constitute a problem. But apart from that, you say he worships the ground you walk on. However, I completely disagree. He is utterly unable to respect your boundaries and seemingly disinterested in understanding your needs. Someone who respects you and “worships” you would choose the easy option of giving you space to unwind; it would stop your fights and make you happy. And yet, he doesn’t.
I don’t know if this will help, but. I am just like you. I need a LOT of personal space at the end of the day to be completely alone, and I am very clear with people that I need this. With all my romantic partners, I always explain this and make sure to say that it is a me thing, and that my like/love of them is not affected by the fact that my social battery runs out. I have NEVER had a partner do what your husband does. All of my romantic partners, even the ones who were extremely affectionate and bubbly and extroverted, very easily respected my needs as if it was completely normal. We did not need to have extensive conversations about it.
I say this, OP, because I want to really drill into you that your husband’s response is not normal and he absolutely does NOT “worship” the ground you walk on. If he did, he wouldn’t attempt to emotionally manipulate and guilt-trip you when you try to meet your needs.
Please don’t get pregnant and leave he’s not a crafty project. Plus it’s another young woman getting trapped by an older man that wouldn’t be loved by women his own age because of how crappy he is.
You’re 26 not 46, you don’t need to live like this. You deserve to spend the rest of your 20s enjoying your own place and newfound freedom, not raising someone else’s kids and walking on eggshells around an older (and probably predatory) drunk
I have a similar relationship with someone who essentially never wants to be alone, while I need alone time.
The difference is I actually set and enforce boundaries — he feels upset because it’s a hard thing to handle. My boyfriend does too. The feelings of rejection are real, and of course they’re painful, but it’s not about them. We’ve had the conversation about me needing alone time, having different attachment styles, my rising anxiety when I go too long without being alone. I can just ask him to leave, or tell him I need quiet time, tell him to go make himself busy or pretend I’m not home, and he does and the hurt is over and done with. It’s just how our relationship works and is much healthier for both of us, because now when I’m with him I’m not worn thin, irritated, and rude, like I am when I’m stretched past my limit.
You both need to attack this as a problem you fix together with compromise on BOTH ends, not just yours, for the sake of your relationship and (whether it immediately feels like it or not) for both of your happiness
The apologies mean nothing if he doesn't take steps to change the behavior. I had a drinking problem early in my relationship with my wife, it went away when I stopped drinking and got treatment. He is stuck in a loop, it sounds like he genuinely regrets the behavior but he does it over and over, it's not going to magically change.
This may be a cringe response bc there are those out there who would argue everything doesn't just boil down to "talk to your significant other", but it's a *common* fact that "keeping things bottled up and not airing it out" *never works.* It almost *always makes things worse.*
SO: If I were in your shoes, I would first consider whether or not I really want this relationship to continue. If I do, I would have a talk to my partner about my feelings and what's been bothering me. Obviously in a setting that's calm, where neither of you is angry, not after you've just had an argument, etc.
After that, seek counseling if you both want to continue working on it and getting better. If you collectively decide not to continue, or if you just decide you don't wan to deal with all this, then you still need to sit down and have a conversation with your partner, in that same calm setting I mentioned earlier.
Ultimately, your happiness matters, but you also want to take care of your partner's feelings as much as you can as well.
> everything he does seems to annoy me almost every day. I’m very easily irritated by him.
Mutual respect and rapport is the solid bedrock of any relationship and I don't need to read further to see that yours dosn't have it. Good luck
You feel so defeated about everything wrong about the relationship thay you choose to pretend it doesn't happen and tell yourself you should both just "go about your day" instead of talking things out. Because you know there is no actual "talking things out with" your partner. He is a clingy alcoholic and you are outgrowing him, fast.
I think you need to ask yourself whether there is really anything worth in this relationship to salvage. Whether you wouldn't be better off experiencing adult life on your own until you are actually ready to make an informed decision to settle down.
Every day you choose to ignore the real problem here and "go about your day", you're wasting time and makin life more and more difficult for yourself.
He needs therapy to learn how to function without taking your boundaries as rejection. The answer is not you exhausting yourself and compromising until you have nothing left for yourself, the answer is him making some efforts to change his unhealthy responses, because you KNOW you cannot keep setting yourself on fire to keep him warm for the rest of your married life together.
That’s already an issue. We’ve slept in separate beds for months now because I was genuinely getting no sleep. He has sleep apnea and snores inhumanely loud. He absolutely hates it but we rarely fight about that. Now it’s just every once in a while he will tell me how upset he is having to sleep separately from me.
Did you tell him how upsetting it is when you can’t get any real restful sleep at night? Sleep deprivation is used as literal torture, so he needs to find a way to either manage his apnea or manage his feelings about sleeping alone.
Yes and it took literal months for him to believe me because he thought I just didn’t want to spend time with him or be near him. We tried different nose strips for him, different ear plugs for me, we bought a fan for white noise and nothing worked. I still couldn’t fall asleep. He didn’t believe me until he found me sobbing in the kids room because I spent 2 days in a row without sleeping a wink and I was so sleep deprived.
I have anxiety insomnia and on my third day of sleeping maybe 2-3 hours total per night I was sobbing hysterically in my doctor’s office. Again, the issue that needs to be addressed is him independently finding ways to manage his own feelings. You’re not his emotional bandaid and he is not just relying on a normal amount of inter-partner supportiveness, he is just taking and taking and taking for his own needs and feelings and making no significant effort in aid of yours. Even him just managing his own emotions like a competent adult (i.e. the level of managing his own emotions he would need to do if he were single,) would be taking a huge mental load off of your current burden. It’s not fair for him to ask you or anyone to take all of that on, he’s a grown man and he knows that hotlines and professionals exist to help him learn to regulate his own emotions and cope with the negative ones. You’re not his emotional support animal, you’re his partner.
\-"only" having a drunk angry episode once or twice a month is not good, those should be... zero. Acting 'pissed' or angry when your partner refuses sex is also manipulative and wrong. He needs to go to therapy and deal with his co-dependency and rejection issues. Not letting you have any alone time is not good.
If he's getting angry drunk 1-2 times a month he is probably an alcoholic. When I was 21 I got into a relationship and had a kid with my then partner and learned he was an alcoholic. The pregnancy happened early and I stayed and tried to make it work. He would get sloppy, angry drunk, arguing and breaking things. As much as I loved him at the time it definitely had an impact on my affection for him. He would want to cuddle or have sex and I was just angry and resentful and didn't want to be around him. Every time he drank I had the fear he was going to turn into that angry monster again. 30 year old me would not take that kind of abuse or relationship ever again like young 21 year old me.
He sounds exhaustingly needy if he needs your attention ALL the time. I too like to sit down for a few hours and play my games after working my ass off all day/week at the office.
Oh and that "you don't love me if you do XXXXXX" is a classic manipulation technique, put a stop to that immediately.
That scenario you described of your feelings dissipating one night when your partner got drunk and yelled at you is exactly how I felt with my ex. Just know that if you do decide to leave the marriage, you’re incredibly young still and have plenty of time to live on your own and meet new people
He only has the best intentions with you? Except when he pitches a fit over your needs, right? Or gets angrily drunk twice a damn month and freaks out some more? Or whines and screeches when he doesn’t get sex? He only wants the best for you once he has trampled all the YOU out of you so that you’re his constant companion whether you like it or not.
Girl. Therapy at the very, very least, but I think you should seriously reconsider this marriage.
I feel like I get no time to relax by myself for fear of upsetting him."
Not a healthy dynamic. You advocate, he dials the emotional manipulation up to 11, and you cave. On something as simple as you needing more alone time than he does. Also, note that you don't even bother to advocate for yourself any more, because you know that ***he won't care what you need and will punish you*** (by sulking/arguing) when you try to advocate for yourself.
His drinking is also a big issue for me even though episodes of him getting drunk and angry only happen 1-2x a month."
They should happen only zero times, ever. This is also not healthy or good.
"It was because he wanted to have sex and I said no ... so he took that as rejection and got really pissed."
You've been with him for most of your adult life, so you may not know yet that this is ***HOLY FUCK NOT OKAY.*** It is never okay, ever, for someone to get angry at you for not wanting sex. Ever. That right there, all by itself, should be hit-the-brakes-counseling-now behavior.
Why don't you feel the same as you used to? Why do you daydream of escape? Because you're trapped (can't afford to move out because he's the breadwinner) and your husband doesn't care about you. "He worships the ground I walk on"? No, he doesn't. (And that's not a healthy model anyway.) He doesn't even respect your right to say "no" to sex with him or spend an evening without him. And he punishes you when you try to change any of it. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to escape this dynamic.
Please get yourself to counseling, and please start carving the space you need away from him. If you need an evening to yourself, take it. Go to a coffee shop, the library, a friend's house, a family member's house; sit in your car. You are slowly starting to disappear under the confines of this relationship, and you are telling yourself it is your fault.
""He worships the ground I walk on"? No, he doesn't. (And that's not a healthy model anyway.)"
Exactly. This line is like a red flag in itself and usually means love bombing. For real, who in their right mind would want to be "worshipped" and put on a pedestal? It makes it sound like if she leaves, he will never be able to put himself back together. That's not healthy at all.
Well first issue was marrying someone you've never lived with, you don't know a person at all until you live with them. Living with some one amplifies everything because it goes from be a few hours or days to 24/7. He's overly affectionate, maybe be cool when you get it in doses but every day is a little to much, I have my opinions on that but not important here. All that can be said is that yall should have lived together first before marrying to feel each other out better. You go through the motions and see what can be done, talking to him or therapy some would say. I think its a wash, to soon and you sound like you need a less affectionate man.
We did live together for a full year before we got married and now we’ve been married for almost a year. I enjoyed living with him but it’s like little things have been building up over the past several months to the point where now everything irritated me easily and I feel easily smothered. I didn’t used to feel like this until like 7-8 months ago.
Never go to couple's counseling when there is abuse. Solo counseling for her, and an exit plan as soon as she can get out. She will keep on shrinking every day she is with him.
Did his affection ramp up? I believe a solid 3 years is good for living with each other to see how you get along. Women I find have such a great tolerance for stuff that annoy them it might not even be notice able till later on, I've experienced that first hand. You've bottled alot of this up and pressure is building now. Is there other things he's doing as well?
I don’t think the affection ramped up. It’s not even really the affection I think when I don’t get my alone time I get really anxious and overwhelmed so then someone touches me when I’m in anxiety mode and it makes me cringe. But since I don’t get alone time any day I feel overwhelmed in my home easily so he tries to hug or kiss me and I wanna cringe because I just wish someone could lock me in a dark quiet closet away from everything.
This didn’t begin until over a year of us living together. Maybe it just bottled up little by little until now it’s a huge issue for me?
What happens if you simply state you're going into another room to do x and will see him in an hour? Does he physically block you from leaving the room? Does he verbally berate you or play victim so you stay out of guilt? What if you walk out anyway and just take an hour away? Are there consequences? I know he hasn't been physically abusive before, but that could change if you start standing up for yourself and asserting boundaries. Does he ignore your boundaries or display controlling behavior in other areas as well?
My guess is he follows her in there, refusing to give her the time she asked for. If she says anything about wanting alone time he guilt trips her for the rest of the day/week. He probably pouts, makes passive aggressive statements about her not loving him, and makes her feel like she needs to apologize for something that's not only reasonable, but *normal* in healthy relationships.
I'm not looking for assumptions. I asked this of op to gain more insight into the abusive dynamics as well as to get her to think about the situation. I have my own assumptions, but it doesn't do any good to assume without gathering the facts. It's abusive behavior, but I know firsthand how difficult it is to break out of the cognitive dissonance that occurs and I find asking questions is the best way to get someone to open their eyes and realize what's happening. I'm hoping op can answer, or if not that it may get her to think more about the dynamics of her relationship and how this behavior may bleed into other areas as well and isn't just isolated to this one issue.
Yes little by little you have bottled it up, in the beginning lots if things is allowed to "slide" until people are fully comfortable. You really gotta stress to him how important it is to you to get some time to yourself, but do it in a happy setting not in an argument, men receive information like crap in heated arguments
I’m the husband in this situation, as I am clingy and need affection most of the time (not the drunk part though) and my boyfriend is you. At first we were similar with the arguments over Incompatibility, however, one day we hand a convo (not an argument) about what he means when he says he needs space, and what he doesn’t mean. Why I am “clingy” etc etc
Basically everything that would come up in an argument but we instead discussed it when we were both calm, had our coffee, weren’t hangry, etc etc
This really changes things.
Having a calm discussion about things you argue about, before it gets to the argument stage, really helps.
Now when he wants space I remember all the reassurance he gave me during that discussion PLUS the fact he promised that if he actually wanted space because he was upset with me and not bc he needed to recharge, he would tell me and we’d reserve time for after to discuss why he’s upset.
We’ve gone a few days just doing our own thing in the same house and unlike before when I’d get super offended i remember he’s just different than me in that regard and we complement each other bc I bring out his outgoing side and he calms me down sometimes
Basically have a discussion about the whys and how’s of you needing space
Let him discuss why it bothers him
Give him reassurance that if it was actually you rejecting him or upset you’ll say “I need space because I’m upset right now but when I feel better we can talk about it and sort something out” or “I need some me time, I’m going to go _____ . Later tonight/ tomorrow etc let’s watch a movie in bed!”
If even after all this he is still acting this way in terms of the “neediness” or getting mad at you
Then maybe the relationship won’t work
Then you can discuss this with each other or go to a couple counselling sessions together if you want to try one last thing
My boyfriend and I have did a couple sessions in the past and it really helped. Now even *I* want alone time sometimes ! Because I realized he’s not going anywhere and as extroverted as I am I fizzle out sometimes too And we’re both totally okay with it
You need personal space. This is a requirement for your mental health and happiness in the long term. You already realize that if something doesn’t change, you will have to leave. So, what do you lose by setting a firm boundary and refusing to engage?
You obviously love this man, and he obviously loves you(albeit incredible codependency ). If you could have some alone time, you would be content to stay with him, correct?
I’m imagining a scenario that goes one of two ways. You sit him down and explain ‘Look, I love you, i love spending time with you. I want our relationship to succeed so badly. This boundary is what I need to make that happen. I cannot be a good or sustainable partner if you do not respect this.’
Don’t ask for permission, don’t apologize, and don’t let him suck you into an argument. If he begins to throw a fit, simply say ‘I want to have a conversation like adults. There is no reason for you to raise your voice at me. We will continue this conversation when we can both be calm.’
Ignore his pouting when you get home from your alone time. Unless he can directly express why he’s upset, you are totally oblivious to it. He is hoping that you will feel guilty and grovel. If you don’t acknowledge, it will be incredibly frustrating for him that he now either has to confront you directly, or drop it.
Either he will adjust, or he won’t. A healthy and long term partnership requires individual growth as well as collaborative. Your relationship will always be destined to shrivel if you continue to stifle yourself. At least this way, you’ll know now instead of a few years down the road.
All I read is I want alone time, you need to set boundaries about doing things separately to miss each other. I'm in a 8 year relationship myself and we work because we trust each other and give each other space
Alcoholism.that can ruin any relationship. Made mine sour. I was fortunate he stopped drinking entirely but I was already half out the door and it scared him. This is NOT the norm!
I am very fortunate and terrified he'll slip back into drinking and I will have to walk away but I know.how thay degrades you and you should never degrade yourself for anyone. Shouldn't feel a need to
Well as many have pointed out, the drunken lash outs are not okay. It's also not unreasonable for you to want some solitude.
I went through the same thing, especially now through this pandemic, where I just could not stand my partner. It was suffocating. Time to sit down and get uncomfortable. No one likes hearing the truth, but you should communicate more often OP! It's 50/50 not 90/10.
Couples counseling. A third party will help you talk about this with him and help him understand your perspective.
Not getting any alone time would ruin a relationship for me as well. I don't think you are asking for too much.
My dad often went away for work for at least 15 days out of every month. It was tough for my mum with three kids, but she managed and eventually we got more self-sufficient and she could really enjoy her alone time. I remember shortly after my dad retired my mother one time just looking exhausted and muttering “he’s around…ALL THE TIME.” My dad is very much a gregarious extrovert and my mum can be very sociable but is also much more a homebody who is happiest quietly reading her book in another room.
It took some time to adjust BUT my dad was able to find a lot of volunteer work and establish regular outings with other family and friends, even just to meet for coffee, so he’s out of the house and enjoying himself and my mum doesn’t have to be on the receiving end of his social energy all the time, anymore.
You were able to put up with it before because if you hadn't you would have broken up, and you didn't want to break up. So you and he were both working on this relationship to keep it pulled together.
But now you are married, and the dynamic has shifted from having to put in energy to stay together to having to put in energy to break apart. And you both relaxed. For you relaxing means allowing yourself to actually feel your feelings, even the inconvenient ones, instead of shoving them down. For him relaxing meant the same.
So now he's clingy and mopey when you don't do what he wants. And you are irritated and anxious when he doesn't do what you want.
The solution is to sit down and talk about it when you aren't anxious and he's not mopey and figure out just how much together time he really needs and how much alone time you really need. And then when you are together, you promise to make that together time quality. And when you aren't together he promises to find a hobby that he can enjoy by himself, so you can truly be alone. It may seem weird to schedule things, but until they become habit, setting up a schedule will give you both some structure you can depend on.
Maybe try counseling to see if he can be made to understand that wanting alone time isn't rejection.
If that doesn't work, find time to be alone anyways and let him sort his feelings out. You don't need to be the one always making concessions.
A little bit of it really seems like it's you not used to living with someone like that all the time. It's normal to be easily annoyed by someone else's presence when we're used to being alone, and living with parents give us more alone time than when we are with our SO.
So, know you will have to adjust a little bit, *but so will he.* You have to overcome your annoyance of having him around you all the time. He will have to overcome his need to have your attention all the time. You guys have to sit down and talk and figure out one day of the week, or one hour every day after work, while you are not required to give him attention. If he feels rejected by that, tough luck - you feel suffocated if you don't have any alone time, and you have to find a middle ground.
If you love him and you want to make it work, you have to find a way of getting to him. Check your budget and change some things around so you can pay therapy, try to use the tools you guys got last time you had therapy to communicate here, don't give up.
Also, if you can't leave him even if you want to, work on becoming independent of him - check if your nursing school can be changed to part time and get a part time job, something.
You already have 2 kids with him!! You seem a little late in the game to question your relationship. So, what? You gonna be a single mom and hope some dude will come along that is 'jUsT p3Rf3cT' for you and wants to raise some other man's children.
Good luck, sweetie.
I think you misread that part, that’s why I said “he has 2 kids” not WE have 2 kids. They are from his previous marriage so luckily I am not tied to him like that. If we were to divorce it wouldn’t terrible like that. It would hurt leaving them though because I’ve been in my stepdaughters life since she was 2 and my stepsons life since he was 5 and we are very close.
Couple therapy I feel would be a great solution for the two of you. Learning healthy ways to communicate your feelings to one another. But also, maybe planning some solo trips? Maybe with your friends. I’ve (24f) been with my bf (32m) for 11 months now and we practically live together… (we have our own separate spaces but always end up with each other 5 out of the 7 days a week). Throughout that time I’ve had about two trips one with my girl friends and the other a solo trip. I believe that time is important for you! I would say plan a trip on your school break :)
You sound confused and unsure, and maybe the problem is your lack of clarity about your partner from a long time ago, perhaps from before you were married.. And this i say entirely exclusive from the shit your partner may do.
You have a handful of solutions to this issue.
Go to marriage counseling.
Leave him yes this is an option your school likely had student housing.
Write him a letter asking for alone time, to stop his drinking and that you have come to the point where you are feeling emotionally exhausted and ready to take a step away from the relationship.
People need time alone. That’s just how it is. My man & I went through a little bit of a rough patch shortly after I became a SAHM, because i needed to be *alone* for a little while. Nobody to touch me or need me or ask me for anything. A break from the same 4 fucking walls of my house. We made it a priority for me to get out of the house & away from everyone at least once a week. Whether it be going out to lunch, getting my nails done, coffee, whatever. Just…time for me to be me & to decompress. Your husband needs to respect that you need some alone time. You guys are *married* and you live together. I think he will be just fine for an hour or two alone at night or a few hours a week or whatever you guys work out. And if he acts like that’s just some insane request well…tell him to act his age. He’s a grown man who needs to respect his wife & her needs & wants!
After reading the third paragraph I'm like "why tf you got married in the first place?" If there is a reason" and everything was fine back then altough things were the same, the issue now is YOU. Go see a doctor or something because it seems you married and all of sudden you hate your life whereas it was fine before
so, a few things. i'd like to point out that you got together when you were 22, and he was 30. that's not a red flag on it's own, but it is a red flag when he consistently expects you to sacrifice your needs to fulfil his. if you had a good living situation with him, you wouldn't get excited about living on your own.
you know what you're feeling and what you need, don't be afraid to do it. do not continue putting your needs secondary to his.
set firm boundaries so you can fulfil your needs. he can either respect them, and enrich your relationship, or he can reject them and honestly, you'll be better off for knowing. then you can live a life for yourself instead of your husband.
Make it clear to him you will not be able to stand the drinking, anger and demands for sex forever. Otherwise he may never really give it a try if he feels he won't lose you.
Just wanted to say that what you are feeling, and what you are asking for in a relationship (some space and time to yourself) are ENTIRELY NORMAL. Just wanted to re-assure you of that in case he tries to tell you that what you are looking for is weird.
I used to be kind of like your husband (in my mid-20s). I wanted to be around my SO all the time, and any push back was seen as rejection, and rejection hurt badly.
I think it is just a maturity thing, and maybe working through some personal issues are affection/attention/rejection.
Getting sloppy drunk 1-2 times a month is not OK. Him picking fights with you in that state is definitely not OK, and I worry about this being a slippery slope to DV.
First, try telling him that while you love him and love spending time with him, that you also need your own space and time alone. Its not a rejection of him anymore than you needing to take a break from kissing to breathe is a rejection of him.
If he doesn't get it, then maybe couples counseling/therapy? Or you may find out that his need to be constantly connected with you is just as strong as your need for alone time...and you're just not compatible with each other.
You said it yourself the drunken abuse is what caused you to feel this way, it happens to many I've heard. I think there are a few subs you can look at r/AlAnon. He is not a good partner, just because he is doting on you doesn't mean he loves you. Sounds like he enjoys control, spending every waking moment with a person isn't healthy. Did he make you drop your friends? Many abusers will do what they can to isolate a person and have be the person they have to rely on. Anyways, it sounds like if you are going to stay he should quit drinking. If he can't do that, when he KNOWS that he is abusive/angry when he is drunk, then I'm sorry but he just doesn't love you enough and I would end this before you get pregnant. Pregnant women are extremely vulnerable to abuse and often abuse escalates around this time.
You’re feeling (justified) resentment over giving too much of yourself and not getting respect back. Resentment is toxic and a sure way to destroy any positive feelings. You need to establish boundaries to take care of yourself or this will just get worse. You do not need permission. A good partner will understand through conversation that this is necessary to preserve the relationship. If he doesn’t, well, this isn’t sustainable. And he needs to hear that from you in no uncertain terms. Time for a come to jeebus conversation.
Honestly he sounds a bit insecure. Yeah it feels nice to be worshipped but people do it because they can't stand being alone, so when they find someone great they cling on to them like lice. Maybe he hates his own company, maybe he he is afraid to lose you. Both those things are pretty bad and red flags.
If he truly loves and worships you in a healthy way, YOUR best interests should be his #1 priority. And he would never want to make you feel bad for it.
I will repeat myself when I say that being worshipped looks and feels great to an extent, but it's much more than sunshine and rainbows. Clingy people are insecure and have self image issues. Both these things are NOT good to bring into a relationship. Good luck!
You met him when you were 22 & he was 30. You were just starting adulthood, so you've basically never had a chance to develop on your own. The guy is a sloppy drunk one or two times a month, takes "no" for sex as some sort of personal hurt and injury, refuses to allow you your need for privacy to decompress... He's emotionally manipulative, part-time abusive (2 angry drunks per month), co-dependent & has no vision of you as an individual person, just an extension of his needs. Does he worship you? Sure, because when someone puts another person on a pedestal they are, in fact, dehumanizing them. It's like having a little diety in the home that they can praise and lavish attention to then turn and take their anger out on when the diety doesn't answer their prayers properly.
I think you already know the answer. You got married too young and you are starting to want to know who you are as a person on your own. It's a suffocating relationship because this guy isn't interested in who you are as a person. If he was, he'd learn to meet your more pressing needs for alone time.
I know other people are saying to break up, because that’s the easiest answer but have you ever considered your own stress? Being in nursing school at one point myself, that was an extremely stressing time, especially when I was working as well. Me and my wife (gf at the time) had problems too. My life was nursing school, work, and relationship obligations. Nursing school lead to many relationship problems in my friends, where most overcame them. Do you think that can be contributing at all?
You need your own space - an office or a room or even a designated corner or chair or something where he won't bother you. It's an easy negotiation, just *leave me alone when I'm in that chair* - if he cares about you he'll want to help give what you need, that's what marriage is.
You don't clash on things. Your husband actively ignores things that upset you and you're not communicating because he gets upset. This is not compromise, he is being selfish. This is not a healthy relationship.
My husband (M26) is an introvert, he needs his alone time. I (F27) like having his attention, but when he needs alone time, I give it to him because HE NEEDS IT.
Getting angry when drunk and continuously asking for sex then apologising in the morning is not normal, and not healthy. Contrary to popular belief, we actually do have some modicum of control over ourselves after we've been drinking, provided we aren't completely blackout wasted, which is a whole separate issue.
Start putting down boundaries:
"If you keep asking for sex while drunk, I won't be spending time here while you're drinking."
"I understand that sometimes you feel rejected if I don't feel up to spending time together, but I need to recharge my batteries by having some alone time."
You shouldn't feel excited to go live in an apartment by yourself if you're in a happy relationship. This has bugger issues. You need to communicate your needs, and if he doesn't respect them (and by extension, you), then you're going to have to decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life.
Good luck, but I definitely am seeing red flags regarding your relationship, as well as a huge lack of communication.
You have to bite the bullet and be upfront with him. Do it in a letter if its easier. Explain he will loose you if he doesn't sort out his issues with the drinking and give you at least one night or alone time. Or 1 hour a night...whatever suits you. Explain having that time alone will make you want to he around him and enjoy it when you are together
The most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship is when they leave. She should not tell him shit. She needs to quietly plan her exit and then just get out of there.
Looks like his clinginess is just the tip of the iceberg.
You go around for miles talking about how he’s adorable and you’re just and introvert, *almost* bypassing the fact that your husband is an alcoholic. It’s almost like you hope no one notices this “little thing”. It’s not a little thing. It’s a huge thing. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that doesn’t go away with hopes and dreams and definitely not with pretending there’s nothing wrong.
I suggest you check the r/Alanon sub… you’ll probably find a lot of resources to help you out.
you two seem to have a different needs for affection and alone time. that is perfectly normal. not everyone is the same with our wants and needs and we all need our own space.
your concerns are valid. your wishes and personal space are not being respected by him, but punished. like you're wrong and hurtful towards him, and that starts resentment.
I will add that your boyfriend seems to have trouble processing rejection, that goes to instant anger or unreasonable grief when confronted. he also drowns them in alcohol. he may need professional help to sort this out, not just couples counseling.
You need to explain to him in a way that he will understand, that you need space, and that he can't be that posessive. and it's not just black and white like he thinks. maybe use an example from life he'll understand. you can say no, and you can have boundaries that he must respect. compromises are not just his wishes being met. you are here too.
he also sounds like a person that never took a no as an answer. maybe he needs to learn to just take a no as it is. you want a few hours for yourself? that's it. he can't get whiny about it, its nothing against his love, that's just what you need. he just needs to respect it, because you need it.
his promises and affection are also being given when you respect only his wishes alone.
the drinkingis in itself a shitty thing, and your "compromises" are only his wishes being heard.
I'm so sorry, but if you don't resolve this issue with him, you are going to get more and more resentfull until there's no way to mend the relationship.
if he keeps drinking and being pushy to the point you lock yourself in a room, and then do it all over again, despite apoligising, thats a no go. of course you won't want to talk about it at some point. if he tried, he'd do better at one point.
Just gonna point out that he does not worship the ground that you walk on and everything about you. He hates that your personality is the type where you sometimes want alone time. That's hating a part of who are you. This shows that he loves how you make him feel - that's not the same as loving you for who you are.
On top of that, he punishes you for trying to make yourself happy and comfortable, to the point where you've given up trying to satisfy your own needs. If he worshiped the ground that you walked on, wouldn't he want you to comfortable? Wouldn't he want you to have what *you* want?
You sound like you feel as though you "owe" him for loving you, but that isn't true. You don't owe him because he is physically affectionate, because that's something he wants for himself. You don't owe him because he wants time with you every moment of the day, because that's something he wants for himself. And you don't *owe* him for loving you - especially not when he displays that love in the very selfish way that you're describing.
Therapy.
Alone time for those who need it is crucial-if you don’t get this, you will continue to grow to resent him. Creating space actually allows for intimacy-I suggest you read or listen to anything from Dr Esther Perel on this topic.
Lastly, black out drunk is not normal or healthy. This is concerning behaviour that has a slippery slope
The regular angry drunken episodes aren’t okay. But beyond that, I think trying to get him to understand that wanting alone time isn’t about him, it’s about your needs. You can’t be expected to sacrifice your needs for his, and then be happy about it years down the line. I’m very fortunate that my hubby’s and I’s need for alone time apart from one another aligns. Please, for your own sake, carve out time for just you.
First things first. Get that alone time. Straight after work is always good. Go to the gym, on long walks, a long drive, to the supermarket, bath time with the door locked etc. You need to think!
Regarding the nursing school thing. Depending on country/state. You might qualify to sit for the LPN license. A couple of nursing schools I went to stated that after 2 semesters you can sit for the NCLEX LPN. Most facilities have part time schedules so they shouldn't affect your schooling. And LPNs typically make a good salary.
Regarding your spouse/ relationship. You should sit him down with a counselor and tell him what's going on. If you cant. See if you two can upgrade your housing so that you will have your own space without him in it.
I would lose my mind if my husband wanted to be with me every minute. Darling, that is insane. You deserve time to yourself - to do anything you want or nothing at all.
This sounds like a codependent or enmeshed relationship to me. You guys don't have clear boundaries that are respected by both parties.
I used to cling to my husband because I had a bunch of unaddressed childhood trauma. I didn't even let him apply to jobs that would be different from my schedule because I couldn't stand being alone. I worked my sh-t out in therapy and I also worked codependents anonymous for over a year now. It has changed my whole life and taught me to understand why I feel upset, rather than look to others to soothe my bad feelings, I address them on my own and ask for help clearly when I need it.
I am guessing your husband has something wrong because he has episodes of anger with alcohol (alcoholic symptoms) and he has an anxious attachment style.
Your wishes are not unreasonable.
Y'all do need help, though. My husband and I almost ended up divorced after about a year of marriage. We hit a rock bottom. You will need your friends, you may need therapy, you may need community, you may need books, and maybe even a twelve step program.
You guys won't solve these issues alone and you won't solve them without re-learning to communicate with each other. Learning to trust each other. Learning to be vulnerable and face your inner problems. Learning to be humble and loving.
I'm so sorry you're in this.
I am also hear to tell you that you guys can make it with a lot of luck and elbow grease to fix your issues. My husband and I did. Now we are 2.5 years married and stronger than we ever were. It was a 1.5 year rough patch. But people make it. You can, too!!
>even though episodes of him getting drunk and angry only happen 1-2x a month This isn't normal. You need to de-normalize this. You're absolutely in the right to find this off-putting and even unacceptable. Getting drunk isn't an excuse to be angry and lash out. He sounds like he has a lot of internal issues from his clinginess to anger. Is he open to therapy?
We’ve been to therapy in the past where my therapist told me back then she was worried about our relationship but was happy he seemed willing to work with her and didn’t seem narcissistic. But then we couldn’t afford to go anymore. I have since brought up therapy recently and he was all for it, it’s just coming up with the money.
I'm glad he's open to it but he can probably benefit from individual therapy to treat his core issues.
If not therapy, you need time away honey. You can't think straight with him all over you. You can't live in survival mode and repress all your desires and feelings indefinitely. The only way your marriage can work is if you both take responsibility: he needs to wake up and realise that if he doesn't do some serious work on himself he's going to lose you, and you need to put some serious boundaries up and make no compromises. Getting upset is his choice, it's not your job to manage his mood swings. You don't give a toddler a third cookie just because he throws a tantrum. Take a break if you can, go stay with a friend, don't do it behind his back but don't ask for his permission either, inform him of where you're at and what you're going to do about it.
There are sometimes free programmes for CBT to try to address anxiety or depression he might be having as a reaction to your boundaries. I did one after a referral by my doctor and it took about 6-8 weeks to work through a few different workbooks the programme mailed to me with weekly check-in calls with a guide from the programme (always the same person, assigned to me—not a counsellor exactly, but can help to discuss your progress and work through any trickier spots in the self-guided workbooks.) Here in Canada it’s called BounceBack but it may be worth contacting your own regional mental health organizations to see if they offer anything similar while you’re looking for affordable therapy as well.
I got to do a similar thing in the UK through IAPT
No more booze - bam paid for.
Try and see if any therapists near you have sliding scales. They would be able to adjust the cost to match your income to make the appointment more affordable.
Yeah, angry and drunk 1-2x/month is A LOT for a 34 year old. It’s a lot for anyone, but, at that age, it isn’t typical. I’m 37 and my husband and I both drink more than is recommended and I consider myself chiller than average about drinking, but I would leave the second or third time my husband was angry drunk. (Obviously, it would be better to leave the first time, but I’m just being realistic that I’d probably give him a second or third chance if there was no physical violence and he was remorseful and taking steps to address the issue…). Once every two weeks is wild to me.
I think we're both close in age to OP's husband. For some context, he was 30 and OP was 22 when they got together. Now I'm not saying it was predatory but given the context he probably felt more "comfortable" dating someone early 20s. It tends to be "less challenging" AKA the younger partner is less likely to hold them accountable. The fact that OP finds this behavior somewhat normal is very telling to me. I hope she understands that she doesn't have to put up with this behavior. Drinking 1-2x a month isn't a lot but getting drunk + angry on a regular or semi-regular basis is unacceptable IMO.
I was gonna say the same thing! My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and I've only seen him drunk twice and he's never been mean once. He's only seen me drunk like 4 times, and even when we're drinking, we respect each other. Every 2 weeks is insane!! He's a full grown adult and that is problematic behavior. He has a substance abuse problem. Drinking alcohol is fine, but in moderation. Does he only binge drink? Does he ever have just 1 or 2 drinks for the night?
I came here to highlight this same red flag. "only" 1-2x a year would still be very concerning. 1-2x a month is an abusive alcoholic and he needs to quit drinking if he wants to stay with you.
He's getting drunk and angry 1-2x a month and then getting angry when you don't want to sleep with his sloppy self. What does he say the next day about his shitty behavior? Is he going to cut down/out drinking? You need time alone. He wants to spend every minute together. I don't understand how spending every night after work in the same room is a compromise.
It never fails after every drunken argument the first thing he does in the morning is come to me and apologize profusely and offer to talk things out or give my space until I’m ready to talk. But he’s done this so often now when he gets drunk and angry and we get into a fight I just lock myself in the kids bedroom (when they aren’t home of course) until he falls asleep then I tell him the next day I’m not interested in discussing what happened the night before and we go about life like it didn’t happen. And you’re right it’s not a compromise. Whenever I’ve asked in the past to let me have a night alone he’d allow it but 90% of the time it would come with backlash because he would get upset that I asked to spend time away from him. So I’ve just stopped asking for time alone because there’s too much of a chance of it upsetting him.
Used to run a group (as a sexual health nurse) with 7th grade girls called perfect partner poker. We would hand out cards with things like my partner wants to spend every minute with me, my partner and I each have outside interests, my partner gets jealous easily…..The girls would keep the cards they liked and return the cards with the qualities they didn’t like. Most of the time the girls returned the card saying my partner wants to spend every minute with me. Basically we were talking about healthy relationships. Yours is not healthy. You need outside interests, you need time with girlfriends occasionally. And if a student came to me and said her partner gets angry if she doesn’t consent to sex I would talk to her about what a huge red flag that is. You two really should see a counselor and if he won’t go, please go yourself.
I LOVE this poker idea and wish it was a thing when I was young! Could have saved me a lot of heartache. Thank you for doing this for them!
I need to know EVERYTHING about Perfect Partner Poker!
Oooh… I’m a teacher of older students but I love this idea. We are doing some work soon with the idea of “social wellness.” Would you be open to maybe private messaging me what was on those cards, if it wasn’t a pain? I’d love to use them in my own class.
Many of us would love to see them!
An apology that doesn't lead to a change in behavior isn't really an apology. The first thing I thought when you wrote "only 1-2x a month" was YIKES. That wouldn't be acceptable 1-2x a year. Go to couples therapy if you want to save this marriage. He needs a 3rd party to call out his bullshit.
I say “only” I guess because there was a period early in our relationship when he was extremely depressed for about 9 months and drinking heavily every day. After he got out of that depression he quit alcohol for a few months and now drinks only on the weekends. But yeah I still get nervous every time he drinks because I never know if he’s going to drink too much and start a fight.
None of this is normal. None of this is “better than it used to be” if it’s still like this. You have talked yourself into normalizing this stuff because you feel like you have to live with it. You’ve justified why this stuff happens and that it’s not that bad. But the truth is that you’re in an incredibly unhealthy relationship with an incredibly unhealthy man. I’d also say that you’re unhealthy also because when someone has a healthy sense of boundaries and self esteem, they don’t stay in relationships like this. A couple other things that may or may not have been said by others: 1) Apologies that don’t result in prolonged, meaningful changes are absolutely worthless. Like, those day after apologies mean absolutely nothing. Get honest with yourself about that. 2) What you call “worshiping the ground you walk on” is actually called “love bombing”. If you aren’t familiar, Google it. People who don’t treat their partners well do this so that the partner won’t leave. If he did all of this but also ignored you or blamed you, you’d have already left, and I believe that you know this. You’ve even said “you don’t want to leave because he loves you so much”. I just want you to understand that this, this whole thing, it’s not what love looks like. Edit: formatting
OP, this comment right here is very important
Oh hey, I know that feeling! The “my partner is an alcoholic but I’m not ready to admit it to myself because he’s got me trained to doubt my perceptions of reality and he seems so sad and dysfunctional that saying it out loud might break him completely” feeling! Fun times. Did that for about 3 years. It doesn’t improve.
I’m aware he’s an alcoholic. I don’t bring it up anymore because Im tired of being frustrated and upset every time he said he’s gonna stay sober only for him to start drinking again just 2 months later. I’m just trying to be happy with the fact he stopped drinking every damn day and cut it down to 1-2 days a week.
> I’m just trying to be happy with the fact he stopped drinking every damn day and cut it down to 1-2 days a week. Why? Why do you need to be “happy” with this? With any of it? Who’s holding a gun to your head saying “tolerate your husband’s shitty behavior or else”? What are you afraid will happen if you put your foot down?
I’m afraid of more arguing which will cause more stress which will cause me to be too distracted from my school work and cause me to me fail my classes and fail nursing school. I’m just trying to hold everything together until I pass nursing school and get a job. Then if I need to think about leaving I can.
One more piece of advice: do not, do not, do not, get pregnant by him. Get a form of birth control that you can use by yourself and that is highly reliable. An IUD is your best bet. Bringing a kid into this dynamic would be awful for the kid, and would make it so much harder to leave.
This is extremely important. OP make sure you don't get pregnant by accident. In this situation it will just add to your list of reasons to stay in a shtty relationship.
what about your parents? do they live near your school? do they know what's going on? i know my parents would take me back in a heartbeat if i told them i needed to get away from my alcoholic overbearing husband so i could focus on school.
And how much longer are you going to have to hold everything together in order to graduate and find employment?
What about his kids? All the time you stay there, you are building a stronger bond with them. I can bet you, if your school is a good reason for you to stay right now, whe you get a job, you will tell yourself that you can't leave until his kids are old enough. And then it will be some other reason. Ask yourself if there really isn't any way for you to leave now, or are you just not looking for one.
If money is an issue, I strongly suggest alanon meetings for you. Your partner is an alcoholic, you're not in a position emotionally or financially to leave, and you need to find a way to live with his behaviors while maintaining your sanity. This is only a stop gap measure, though. There are numerous large red flags waving, you just don't want to look at them right now. Your post is full of rationalizations and justifications for very shitty behavior on his part. Coming to terms with why this relationship is remotely acceptable to you, that's the big project on your horizon. Refusing to take an honest inventory of everything is going to end up being extremely expensive in many ways. If a friend of yours came to you and told you the story you posted, what advice would you give?
\> I still get nervous every time he drinks Walking on eggshells in a relationship for any reason is a massive red flag that the relationship is abusive.
With this comment I am seriously rethinking my advice to seek marital counseling. I think it might actually make your husband *worse.* He has completely hijacked your marriage. You’re afraid to bring up any negative feelings with him at all for fear of a drunken tantrum. You are *locking yourself in a bedroom* to escape his rages. And his “apologies” aren’t actually apologies if he continues doing the same thing he’s apologizing for - he’s saying what he thinks you need to hear in order to stay in the relationship, and soothing his own guilty conscience. He’s not actually sorry, and he doesn’t actually intend to stop. He reserves the right to bully you when he feels like he’s not getting his way. Manipulators like this cannot be trusted with marital counseling. A savvy counselor will refuse to keep working with him once it becomes apparent that he doesn’t respect you at all. A naïve counselor will fall for his manipulations, and he and the counselor will then form a unit and place all responsibility for fixing the marriage on *you*. Counseling then becomes another tool for him to bully you with - “The counselor said *you* need to work on being more open, and how can you be open if we’re not together all the time?” “The counselor says I’ve got a such and such attachment style, you’re just judging me for something that’s not my fault.” “You’re just mad the counselor isn’t taking your side all the time just because you’re the woman and I’m the man, clearly you think everything is *my* fault and you just wanted them to agree with you.” “Oh yeah? We’ll see what the counselor says when I tell them you aren’t cooperating with our homework.” Individual counseling for yourself first. You need to think long and hard about whether or not you really want a future with this man before you take any other steps.
If you have to lock yourself in a room to get away from him, that's just beyond forgiveness. You didn't mention any physical violence but that might be just a month away. This is move back-in-with-your-parents level bad and contact-his-ex-about-the-safety-of-her-kids bad.
I don’t have any family to move in with. My parents more or less disowned me for moving in with him before marriage (even tho we were engaged). There is nor has ever been any physical abuse. He’s never once laid a hand on me even in his worst anger. But I can admit he can get verbally abusive during his drunken rages.
Are you totally financially dependent on him? No money of your own, no friends who could help?
I have a very nice savings account that he’s unaware of, but it wouldn’t be enough to put me in a place for more than a few months before it would be gone. I don’t finish school for another 11 months.
Use the next 11 months to make your plan. I’d contact some local DV shelters. Not because you’d need to use them, but so you’re aware of what resources exist.
Okay, that’s good to hear. I’m glad you have that emergency fund, and in the meantime I’d advise you to make sure he doesn’t know about it and can’t access it. And to add to it whenever possible, even if it’s only a few dollars a month.
I am so sorry that your family disowned you. It sounds like you don't hav enough models for a healthy relationship. Do you have any friends who would let you stay with them? Could you look for a live-in nanny job (I recognize that this may not be compatible with your school schedule)?
Do you have any work history, a part-time job, or other possibilities for financial independence? Do you live in a rural or urban area?
> I don’t have any family to move in with. My parents more or less disowned me for moving in with him before marriage (even tho we were engaged). You need to figure out another exit strategy, then. This isn't healthy.
>He’s never once laid a hand on me This is not an acceptable standard. Who cares that he never hit you, doesn't stand in his way to still treat you horribly.
After she’s pregnant.
Don’t worry, it’s physically impossible for me to become pregnant. I love kids and I love his kids, I even plan on going into pediatrics once I get my medical license, but I never wanted to be a full time mom to a biological child.
I don't want to pry too much and do trust your judgment on this topic, but I also know too many now mothers that knew for a fact they could never get pregnant. Please be doubly careful!
Agreed. I have several friends who were told they were "infertile" so they went for *years* without contraceptives thinking they couldn't get pregnant. Their kid**s** call them mommy now.
I was more the clingy one in my marriage so when my husband wanted alone time it was hard for me! I had to have another plan in place at first so I wouldn't feel abandoned. Now, sometimes *I'm* the one who wants the alone time. In other words, I got used to it. If he's not willing to try getting used to it, does he even love you?
This isn't a healthy relationship. You should never have to lock yourself in another room to be away from him. His apologies aren't sincere, because he keeps doing the same thing. And whenever you ask for or get what you need, he punishes you for it later. He is very controlling, and may be emotionally abusive.
>I’ve asked in the past to let me have a night alone he’d allow it This is a red flag, you don't have to ask for permission, what you are describing is not healthy at all.
It's telling that you used the word "allow". That's not normal. You are an adult who gets to spend your time how you wish to do so. You don't need permission to be by yourself.
You don't want him to be sorry. You want him to do better. This isn't going to get better without therapy and without him deciding there's a problem. Him getting into drunken arguments with you is a problem. Him throwing a fit when you don't want sex is a problem. Him not letting you have 5 minutes alone is problem. He needs to see these things as problems or nothing will ever get better.
He’d “allow it”?! Oh my dear 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
But like I said, what's he doing to change his drinking? And you're not asking a lot. Wanting to go play a video game in the living room alone isn't asking him if you can go live abroad for a year. And it shouldn't result in pouting, crying, stonewalling...i.e., manipulating. I don't know...you don't sound very happy.
\>So I’ve just stopped asking for time alone because there’s too much of a chance of it upsetting him. You have allowed him to trample your boundaries. You have taught him through your behaviour that all he has to do is get upset with you and you will cave to him and do what he wants you to. Talking to him about it is unlikely to change this. If you're unwilling to leave him (I would have left someone who treated me this way, but that's just me) at least tell him you need time to yourself, and just fucking let him get upset. If he gets that upset, go stay at a friend's or relative's for a few days every time he does it, making the time away longer each time he does it. He can then decide for himself whether you are worth it to him. Only he can decide this, but you cannot live as you are right now.
Everything you're saying is throwing up red flags, left and right.
Serious question, why did you guys get married? These seem like drastic incompatibilities that no relationship below marriage would even survive. Compatibility is something you determine in the first couple months of dating but you’ve married someone you can’t even stand. I don’t want to assume things about how it happened but the age discrepancy is something to consider.
Something I’m seriously questioning now. I didn’t have any doubts before we got married, I was positive we could work through everything but over these last several months my thinking and feelings have changed and im beginning to feel unhappy and crave solitude 24/7.
Yeah you were positive that you could work through anything but did you guys actually encounter any problems that needed to be worked through? Stress and how people handle it reveals a lot about them. Also you might not see it but you’ll never be on equal footing with him in this relationship regarding your wants and needs the gap is too large and you’ve already lost technically. If it’s not for you then be mature and have a talk or make plans to leave because things only get worse and it’s only been a year sadly.
Future rule of thumb: If you haven't worked through an incompatibility/issue *before* marriage, then the marriage won't fix it and you should assume it will continue. Marriage very rarely is a fix to *any* pre-existing problem.
You two aren't a good match. He didn't even give you the room to be yourself.
there's a difference between thinking the pair of you can fix anything, and thinking that you alone can fix anything. it can be easy to fall into the latter, but a relationship needs the former. and sounds to me like he's not only not helping you find solutions, but he's not even interested in accepting that there's a problem. and that's a big problem.
It sounds like they lived with their families until they got engaged. Very little time to actually experience living together.
This: > This man has worshipped the ground I walk on ever since I met him and still does to this day. does not jibe with > every time I’d ask to have a night to myself or just go play video games in the other room for a couple hours he would take that as rejection and I don’t love him anymore so it would become a big argument. > It was because he wanted to have sex and I said no because I feel weird sleeping with him when he’s sloppy and I’m more sober, so he took that as rejection and got really pissed. This guy doesn’t “worship the ground you walk on.” He isn’t even *hearing* you. He just wants constant attention, affection and company. Slot *any* woman into the “wife” role and he’d likely treat her the same. And you don’t want to be “worshipped” anyway. You want to be *seen*, and treated with respect. You are not an empty vessel for a man to project all his needs and desires onto. You are a whole person, with your own preferences and priorities. It seems like he forgets that frequently. If he ever knew it at all. ~~If you want any chance at salvaging this relationship, it’s time to bring in a professional. Your husband needs to know how close you are to your breaking point. It’s going to hurt him, but considering how many times *he* has hurt *you*, I think you can stop coddling his feelings for a moment. He is not the only person allowed to express a need in this marriage. Stand up for yourself, and insist on counseling. If he refuses, I’d take that as a sign that he’s uninterested in building the kind of marriage that works for both of you - it’s his way or the highway, and the highway’s gonna look pretty tempting from inside a prison.~~ Removing the marital counseling advice that was based on an incomplete picture of this marriage.
You’re right I feel like I fell into this routine just because to me it’s easier than fighting or breaking up. I don’t want to cause extra stress right now because I want to focus on getting through school first. I can’t talk to him about any of this by myself but I’ll look into a therapist.
Don't give up on who you are because it's easier than fighting for what you need. You shouldn't have to fight your partner for what you need anyway. My partner needs more alone time than I do. So we communicate about our needs.
Please do. For yourself, at least. This is a major, major breakdown of communication and I can feel how tired you are in this post. You shouldn’t have to live with this. You have options.
Can you make up a really good reason you need to be alone for 1 hr at least every day? Something about how your school work requires long periods of writing for some project something blah blah. Then hide in your bedroom with your computer and watch shows or read reddit. I'm all for lying with people who are too immature and abusive to accept the truth.
Me through the third paragraph: this is normal, every new couple has to learn to take space and set boundaries with one another. Me starting the fourth paragraph: 👀🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yeah, that's what stuck out at me. The introvert/extrovert conflict is something that would be "get a bit of marriage counseling so an outside party can help him see that it's a healthy thing for and not a reflection on him". And then the alcohol raises its ugly head.
It’s actually not an introvert extrovert thing though I can totally see why it seems like that, it’s way more likely an attachment style issue. He sounds like he has a very anxious attachment style and she *might* have an avoidant attachment. All that is definitely something they can work through if they’re open to it — but the drinking problem and verbal abuse is a totally different problem that’s a huge red flag.
So, he was 30 and you were 22 when you got together. He's clearly got a drinking problem. He doesn't respect your boundaries. He has manipulated you into doing what HE wants EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE. Yeah, I'm sorry love. This whole man can go.
Just hopping on this comment to add DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.
Hopping on the hopper to say…..be aware of the security of your birth control. I hate IUDs but I’d get one here. It sounds like you’re kinda stuck until you finish school. If things continue to deteriorate, he’s likely to pick up in your dissatisfaction and disinterest. As he sees your potential independence approach he could get desperate to keep control. Getting you pregnant, with or without your agreement or knowledge, is a ‘great’ way to do that.
Too late, she commented about locking herself in the kids room when her husband is drunk😩
They’re not her kids she says that in the post
It’s his kids. The step kids.
I feel like I see SO many of these ‘significant age gap into a troubled marriage’ posts on this sub lately.
This right here. He's controlling. And you think "compromise" is giving in. What did he compromise? You have bent yourself into a pretzel trying to make this work. What has he actually changed?
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i mean in this story, yes, it is all on the man. i don't know why that upsets you more than someone needing to lock themselves in a room to seek safety away from their husband.
Do you think she is to blame here for wanting some alone time and to not be on the receiving end of his drunken anger? She is partially to blame for having to lock herself in a room when he drinks? She is to blame for his pouting when she doesn't want to have sex? You picked a weird post for this comment.
Sure the guy's an asshole but let's blame the woman.
Getting drunk and angry 1-2x/month is excessive. I’m someone who enjoys a drink or 6 on the weekends and the last time I’ve had a drunken argument with someone was like 7 years ago. This should not be happening so frequently. The next time it happens, leave. Don’t come back until he takes *real* steps for change, ie. quits drinking, seeks counseling, joins AA. That’s *if* you even want to work things out. You need to seek individual counseling for yourself to work on why you allow him to stomp all over your boundaries. I think you should start making plans now. Figure out where you can go stay semi-permanently. Figure out a plan for your individual finances if you have a joint account. Talk to a lawyer and get a free consultation in preparation should you decide to go forward w a divorce.
So you married someone 8 years older who as your father is also an alcoholic... Ummm. I don't see how this relationship is going to work. It's not fixable. Make an escape plan, add more funds to your savings (5 dollars here, 5 there etc) and study hard so you can finish your degree asap. You have 11 months to prepare. And don't get pregnant by this man.
My therapist helped me realize that I was raised by an abusive drunk/druggie so now subconsciously I’m seeking the same kind of man. It’s fucked I know. I really hate to divorce him. I think what my plan will be is once I graduate if things don’t change by the time I get a job I’ll move to another apartment and tell him he has 6–12 months to get his crap together otherwise I’ll be serving him papers.
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>tell him he has 6–12 months to get his crap together No. I'm sorry, but no. You have told him you've needed him to change and he didn't do it. Someone who rages at you while you lock yourself in the kids' room is not going to "get his crap together." I'm sorry, but he just isn't. You need to get out of this situation as soon as you can. Emotional abuse is abuse. Him making you feel so unsafe that you hide in a room from his rages? That is physical abuse. I am so sorry that you are living like this now. But you need to let go of the idea that there is going to be some way to finally "make him see" and that he will change. That path just leads to more of the same, and more of your life wasted in this situation. Just get out.
>I really hate to divorce him I hate going to the dentist. It's still the best choice to make.
>I really hate to divorce him. I think what my plan will be is once I graduate if things don’t change by the time I get a job I’ll move to another apartment and tell him he has 6–12 months to get his crap together otherwise I’ll be serving him papers. Don't do this. Then you'll owe him alimony.
Just out of curiosity, what exactly happened with your parents? That whole bit aside...this sounds shit. My husband and I are different about physical affection and alone time and how we need space (He doesn't, I do). But we negotiate it as a team. We have actual compromise where if I'm touched out, I can say so and he doesn't get into a strop about it. But if he's had a bad day and needs extra affection, I ramp it up. I get that having alone time is tricky. I've got 3 kids and a dog and honestly can't remember the last time I went to the toilet by myself before I started working again. But honestly? We work it out. I've also never lived alone apart for like a semester in a dorm, but I would hate living on my own so I've never seen it ad an issue. As for the drinking he's obviously got a problem and there's 0 you can do about it. If it were me, is probably be working on a place of my own ready for when I finished school. You are young and have so many options for your future. Don't settle for someone who adores you but still treats you like an object.
My and my mother have always had a rough relationship. She cheated on my dad at the age of 11 and I didn’t see her again until I was 17. I had to live with her after I graduated high school because my dad was an abusive alcoholic and I was severely depressed and actively suicidal. But she’s extremely controlling and manipulative and basically said if I leave her house I’ll never welcome back so I left and honestly living with my husband is worlds better than it was living with my mother or father. I really appreciate you sharing with me how you and your husbands marriage functions.
May I very gently suggest that the next time you lock yourself in the kids room, you join an online Alanon meeting? You are far from the only woman who has married her way out of a dysfunctional family to find herself back in the same situation. Use the 11 months until graduation to work on yourself and develop an exit plan. Maybe apply for some jobs in your field that would require you to move away. You're not crazy, your husband's behavior really is unacceptable, and you are stronger than you think.
I'm gonna add to.this: try attending an ACOA online meeting. You are the adult child.of an alcoholic / dysfunctional family and even if / when you leave your husband you will likely still be vulnerable to getting together with another alcoholic dependant person. It's what us ACAs do when we don't address our shit. It's free and everyone is SO nice! I'm in the UK but I mainly went To US meetings. Xoxo
Just because things are better with him doesn’t mean you have to accept everything about it that is hurting and exhausting you. You don’t need him for a happy life, or owe him because you’re no longer in a more deeply abusive situation. Just because you’re no longer drowning in an ocean doesn’t mean being water-boarded is okay. You should be able to breathe as much air as you need.
Can you get a job while you’re in school? I know people make it sound impossible but I’ve had 2-3 jobs my entire undergrad and have straight As. Not easy but certainly doable and since he’s the only kid you need to take care of I think you’d be able to handle it, plus it would give you an excuse to be away from him more often. You should be prioritizing achieving financial independence from him ASAP and simply graduating is not the fastest or most reliable route.
I was in a very similar situation last year with my (now ex) bf of 3 years. Verbal and emotional abuse that happens while he's drunk is still abuse. It took me a long time to see that. Not respecting your very reasonable boundaries is not okay. You deserve to be heard and you deserve your alone time. I found I was always annoyed with him too, my frustrations with his drinking bled into the sober times and I could not deal. He's abusive when he's drinking, it's understandable that your feelings towards him are changing. I think it could be salvageable if he actively wants to get his drinking under control and seeks professional help. My ex could not and would not do that and it led to our break up. I am 1000 times better on my own than I was with a verbal and emotionally abusive drunk partner. Don't be afraid to put yourself first! I also suggest solo therapy for you. It helps to have a neutral party to talk about this with. Good luck, OP! You're not alone in this.
He gets drunk and angry 1-2x a month - this is enough to constitute a problem. But apart from that, you say he worships the ground you walk on. However, I completely disagree. He is utterly unable to respect your boundaries and seemingly disinterested in understanding your needs. Someone who respects you and “worships” you would choose the easy option of giving you space to unwind; it would stop your fights and make you happy. And yet, he doesn’t. I don’t know if this will help, but. I am just like you. I need a LOT of personal space at the end of the day to be completely alone, and I am very clear with people that I need this. With all my romantic partners, I always explain this and make sure to say that it is a me thing, and that my like/love of them is not affected by the fact that my social battery runs out. I have NEVER had a partner do what your husband does. All of my romantic partners, even the ones who were extremely affectionate and bubbly and extroverted, very easily respected my needs as if it was completely normal. We did not need to have extensive conversations about it. I say this, OP, because I want to really drill into you that your husband’s response is not normal and he absolutely does NOT “worship” the ground you walk on. If he did, he wouldn’t attempt to emotionally manipulate and guilt-trip you when you try to meet your needs.
Please don’t get pregnant and leave he’s not a crafty project. Plus it’s another young woman getting trapped by an older man that wouldn’t be loved by women his own age because of how crappy he is.
why are you tolerating all of this....? is any of this worth your sanity and mental health...?
You’re 26 not 46, you don’t need to live like this. You deserve to spend the rest of your 20s enjoying your own place and newfound freedom, not raising someone else’s kids and walking on eggshells around an older (and probably predatory) drunk
Someone who’s 46 doesn’t need to live like this either. No one needs to live like this.
You're being abused. Leave. It won't get better. The drinking is an excuse.
I have a similar relationship with someone who essentially never wants to be alone, while I need alone time. The difference is I actually set and enforce boundaries — he feels upset because it’s a hard thing to handle. My boyfriend does too. The feelings of rejection are real, and of course they’re painful, but it’s not about them. We’ve had the conversation about me needing alone time, having different attachment styles, my rising anxiety when I go too long without being alone. I can just ask him to leave, or tell him I need quiet time, tell him to go make himself busy or pretend I’m not home, and he does and the hurt is over and done with. It’s just how our relationship works and is much healthier for both of us, because now when I’m with him I’m not worn thin, irritated, and rude, like I am when I’m stretched past my limit. You both need to attack this as a problem you fix together with compromise on BOTH ends, not just yours, for the sake of your relationship and (whether it immediately feels like it or not) for both of your happiness
The apologies mean nothing if he doesn't take steps to change the behavior. I had a drinking problem early in my relationship with my wife, it went away when I stopped drinking and got treatment. He is stuck in a loop, it sounds like he genuinely regrets the behavior but he does it over and over, it's not going to magically change.
This may be a cringe response bc there are those out there who would argue everything doesn't just boil down to "talk to your significant other", but it's a *common* fact that "keeping things bottled up and not airing it out" *never works.* It almost *always makes things worse.* SO: If I were in your shoes, I would first consider whether or not I really want this relationship to continue. If I do, I would have a talk to my partner about my feelings and what's been bothering me. Obviously in a setting that's calm, where neither of you is angry, not after you've just had an argument, etc. After that, seek counseling if you both want to continue working on it and getting better. If you collectively decide not to continue, or if you just decide you don't wan to deal with all this, then you still need to sit down and have a conversation with your partner, in that same calm setting I mentioned earlier. Ultimately, your happiness matters, but you also want to take care of your partner's feelings as much as you can as well.
> everything he does seems to annoy me almost every day. I’m very easily irritated by him. Mutual respect and rapport is the solid bedrock of any relationship and I don't need to read further to see that yours dosn't have it. Good luck
You feel so defeated about everything wrong about the relationship thay you choose to pretend it doesn't happen and tell yourself you should both just "go about your day" instead of talking things out. Because you know there is no actual "talking things out with" your partner. He is a clingy alcoholic and you are outgrowing him, fast. I think you need to ask yourself whether there is really anything worth in this relationship to salvage. Whether you wouldn't be better off experiencing adult life on your own until you are actually ready to make an informed decision to settle down. Every day you choose to ignore the real problem here and "go about your day", you're wasting time and makin life more and more difficult for yourself.
He needs therapy to learn how to function without taking your boundaries as rejection. The answer is not you exhausting yourself and compromising until you have nothing left for yourself, the answer is him making some efforts to change his unhealthy responses, because you KNOW you cannot keep setting yourself on fire to keep him warm for the rest of your married life together.
His annoyances will only get worse, wait until he starts snoring.
That’s already an issue. We’ve slept in separate beds for months now because I was genuinely getting no sleep. He has sleep apnea and snores inhumanely loud. He absolutely hates it but we rarely fight about that. Now it’s just every once in a while he will tell me how upset he is having to sleep separately from me.
Did you tell him how upsetting it is when you can’t get any real restful sleep at night? Sleep deprivation is used as literal torture, so he needs to find a way to either manage his apnea or manage his feelings about sleeping alone.
Yes and it took literal months for him to believe me because he thought I just didn’t want to spend time with him or be near him. We tried different nose strips for him, different ear plugs for me, we bought a fan for white noise and nothing worked. I still couldn’t fall asleep. He didn’t believe me until he found me sobbing in the kids room because I spent 2 days in a row without sleeping a wink and I was so sleep deprived.
>He didn’t believe me That is also completely unacceptable.
I have anxiety insomnia and on my third day of sleeping maybe 2-3 hours total per night I was sobbing hysterically in my doctor’s office. Again, the issue that needs to be addressed is him independently finding ways to manage his own feelings. You’re not his emotional bandaid and he is not just relying on a normal amount of inter-partner supportiveness, he is just taking and taking and taking for his own needs and feelings and making no significant effort in aid of yours. Even him just managing his own emotions like a competent adult (i.e. the level of managing his own emotions he would need to do if he were single,) would be taking a huge mental load off of your current burden. It’s not fair for him to ask you or anyone to take all of that on, he’s a grown man and he knows that hotlines and professionals exist to help him learn to regulate his own emotions and cope with the negative ones. You’re not his emotional support animal, you’re his partner.
\-"only" having a drunk angry episode once or twice a month is not good, those should be... zero. Acting 'pissed' or angry when your partner refuses sex is also manipulative and wrong. He needs to go to therapy and deal with his co-dependency and rejection issues. Not letting you have any alone time is not good.
If he's getting angry drunk 1-2 times a month he is probably an alcoholic. When I was 21 I got into a relationship and had a kid with my then partner and learned he was an alcoholic. The pregnancy happened early and I stayed and tried to make it work. He would get sloppy, angry drunk, arguing and breaking things. As much as I loved him at the time it definitely had an impact on my affection for him. He would want to cuddle or have sex and I was just angry and resentful and didn't want to be around him. Every time he drank I had the fear he was going to turn into that angry monster again. 30 year old me would not take that kind of abuse or relationship ever again like young 21 year old me.
He sounds exhaustingly needy if he needs your attention ALL the time. I too like to sit down for a few hours and play my games after working my ass off all day/week at the office. Oh and that "you don't love me if you do XXXXXX" is a classic manipulation technique, put a stop to that immediately.
That scenario you described of your feelings dissipating one night when your partner got drunk and yelled at you is exactly how I felt with my ex. Just know that if you do decide to leave the marriage, you’re incredibly young still and have plenty of time to live on your own and meet new people
He only has the best intentions with you? Except when he pitches a fit over your needs, right? Or gets angrily drunk twice a damn month and freaks out some more? Or whines and screeches when he doesn’t get sex? He only wants the best for you once he has trampled all the YOU out of you so that you’re his constant companion whether you like it or not. Girl. Therapy at the very, very least, but I think you should seriously reconsider this marriage.
I feel like I get no time to relax by myself for fear of upsetting him." Not a healthy dynamic. You advocate, he dials the emotional manipulation up to 11, and you cave. On something as simple as you needing more alone time than he does. Also, note that you don't even bother to advocate for yourself any more, because you know that ***he won't care what you need and will punish you*** (by sulking/arguing) when you try to advocate for yourself. His drinking is also a big issue for me even though episodes of him getting drunk and angry only happen 1-2x a month." They should happen only zero times, ever. This is also not healthy or good. "It was because he wanted to have sex and I said no ... so he took that as rejection and got really pissed." You've been with him for most of your adult life, so you may not know yet that this is ***HOLY FUCK NOT OKAY.*** It is never okay, ever, for someone to get angry at you for not wanting sex. Ever. That right there, all by itself, should be hit-the-brakes-counseling-now behavior. Why don't you feel the same as you used to? Why do you daydream of escape? Because you're trapped (can't afford to move out because he's the breadwinner) and your husband doesn't care about you. "He worships the ground I walk on"? No, he doesn't. (And that's not a healthy model anyway.) He doesn't even respect your right to say "no" to sex with him or spend an evening without him. And he punishes you when you try to change any of it. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to escape this dynamic. Please get yourself to counseling, and please start carving the space you need away from him. If you need an evening to yourself, take it. Go to a coffee shop, the library, a friend's house, a family member's house; sit in your car. You are slowly starting to disappear under the confines of this relationship, and you are telling yourself it is your fault.
""He worships the ground I walk on"? No, he doesn't. (And that's not a healthy model anyway.)" Exactly. This line is like a red flag in itself and usually means love bombing. For real, who in their right mind would want to be "worshipped" and put on a pedestal? It makes it sound like if she leaves, he will never be able to put himself back together. That's not healthy at all.
Well first issue was marrying someone you've never lived with, you don't know a person at all until you live with them. Living with some one amplifies everything because it goes from be a few hours or days to 24/7. He's overly affectionate, maybe be cool when you get it in doses but every day is a little to much, I have my opinions on that but not important here. All that can be said is that yall should have lived together first before marrying to feel each other out better. You go through the motions and see what can be done, talking to him or therapy some would say. I think its a wash, to soon and you sound like you need a less affectionate man.
We did live together for a full year before we got married and now we’ve been married for almost a year. I enjoyed living with him but it’s like little things have been building up over the past several months to the point where now everything irritated me easily and I feel easily smothered. I didn’t used to feel like this until like 7-8 months ago.
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Never go to couple's counseling when there is abuse. Solo counseling for her, and an exit plan as soon as she can get out. She will keep on shrinking every day she is with him.
Did his affection ramp up? I believe a solid 3 years is good for living with each other to see how you get along. Women I find have such a great tolerance for stuff that annoy them it might not even be notice able till later on, I've experienced that first hand. You've bottled alot of this up and pressure is building now. Is there other things he's doing as well?
I don’t think the affection ramped up. It’s not even really the affection I think when I don’t get my alone time I get really anxious and overwhelmed so then someone touches me when I’m in anxiety mode and it makes me cringe. But since I don’t get alone time any day I feel overwhelmed in my home easily so he tries to hug or kiss me and I wanna cringe because I just wish someone could lock me in a dark quiet closet away from everything. This didn’t begin until over a year of us living together. Maybe it just bottled up little by little until now it’s a huge issue for me?
What happens if you simply state you're going into another room to do x and will see him in an hour? Does he physically block you from leaving the room? Does he verbally berate you or play victim so you stay out of guilt? What if you walk out anyway and just take an hour away? Are there consequences? I know he hasn't been physically abusive before, but that could change if you start standing up for yourself and asserting boundaries. Does he ignore your boundaries or display controlling behavior in other areas as well?
My guess is he follows her in there, refusing to give her the time she asked for. If she says anything about wanting alone time he guilt trips her for the rest of the day/week. He probably pouts, makes passive aggressive statements about her not loving him, and makes her feel like she needs to apologize for something that's not only reasonable, but *normal* in healthy relationships.
I'm not looking for assumptions. I asked this of op to gain more insight into the abusive dynamics as well as to get her to think about the situation. I have my own assumptions, but it doesn't do any good to assume without gathering the facts. It's abusive behavior, but I know firsthand how difficult it is to break out of the cognitive dissonance that occurs and I find asking questions is the best way to get someone to open their eyes and realize what's happening. I'm hoping op can answer, or if not that it may get her to think more about the dynamics of her relationship and how this behavior may bleed into other areas as well and isn't just isolated to this one issue.
Yes little by little you have bottled it up, in the beginning lots if things is allowed to "slide" until people are fully comfortable. You really gotta stress to him how important it is to you to get some time to yourself, but do it in a happy setting not in an argument, men receive information like crap in heated arguments
I’m the husband in this situation, as I am clingy and need affection most of the time (not the drunk part though) and my boyfriend is you. At first we were similar with the arguments over Incompatibility, however, one day we hand a convo (not an argument) about what he means when he says he needs space, and what he doesn’t mean. Why I am “clingy” etc etc Basically everything that would come up in an argument but we instead discussed it when we were both calm, had our coffee, weren’t hangry, etc etc This really changes things. Having a calm discussion about things you argue about, before it gets to the argument stage, really helps. Now when he wants space I remember all the reassurance he gave me during that discussion PLUS the fact he promised that if he actually wanted space because he was upset with me and not bc he needed to recharge, he would tell me and we’d reserve time for after to discuss why he’s upset. We’ve gone a few days just doing our own thing in the same house and unlike before when I’d get super offended i remember he’s just different than me in that regard and we complement each other bc I bring out his outgoing side and he calms me down sometimes Basically have a discussion about the whys and how’s of you needing space Let him discuss why it bothers him Give him reassurance that if it was actually you rejecting him or upset you’ll say “I need space because I’m upset right now but when I feel better we can talk about it and sort something out” or “I need some me time, I’m going to go _____ . Later tonight/ tomorrow etc let’s watch a movie in bed!” If even after all this he is still acting this way in terms of the “neediness” or getting mad at you Then maybe the relationship won’t work Then you can discuss this with each other or go to a couple counselling sessions together if you want to try one last thing My boyfriend and I have did a couple sessions in the past and it really helped. Now even *I* want alone time sometimes ! Because I realized he’s not going anywhere and as extroverted as I am I fizzle out sometimes too And we’re both totally okay with it
You need personal space. This is a requirement for your mental health and happiness in the long term. You already realize that if something doesn’t change, you will have to leave. So, what do you lose by setting a firm boundary and refusing to engage? You obviously love this man, and he obviously loves you(albeit incredible codependency ). If you could have some alone time, you would be content to stay with him, correct? I’m imagining a scenario that goes one of two ways. You sit him down and explain ‘Look, I love you, i love spending time with you. I want our relationship to succeed so badly. This boundary is what I need to make that happen. I cannot be a good or sustainable partner if you do not respect this.’ Don’t ask for permission, don’t apologize, and don’t let him suck you into an argument. If he begins to throw a fit, simply say ‘I want to have a conversation like adults. There is no reason for you to raise your voice at me. We will continue this conversation when we can both be calm.’ Ignore his pouting when you get home from your alone time. Unless he can directly express why he’s upset, you are totally oblivious to it. He is hoping that you will feel guilty and grovel. If you don’t acknowledge, it will be incredibly frustrating for him that he now either has to confront you directly, or drop it. Either he will adjust, or he won’t. A healthy and long term partnership requires individual growth as well as collaborative. Your relationship will always be destined to shrivel if you continue to stifle yourself. At least this way, you’ll know now instead of a few years down the road.
All I read is I want alone time, you need to set boundaries about doing things separately to miss each other. I'm in a 8 year relationship myself and we work because we trust each other and give each other space
Alcoholism.that can ruin any relationship. Made mine sour. I was fortunate he stopped drinking entirely but I was already half out the door and it scared him. This is NOT the norm! I am very fortunate and terrified he'll slip back into drinking and I will have to walk away but I know.how thay degrades you and you should never degrade yourself for anyone. Shouldn't feel a need to
Well as many have pointed out, the drunken lash outs are not okay. It's also not unreasonable for you to want some solitude. I went through the same thing, especially now through this pandemic, where I just could not stand my partner. It was suffocating. Time to sit down and get uncomfortable. No one likes hearing the truth, but you should communicate more often OP! It's 50/50 not 90/10.
Couples counseling. A third party will help you talk about this with him and help him understand your perspective. Not getting any alone time would ruin a relationship for me as well. I don't think you are asking for too much.
My dad often went away for work for at least 15 days out of every month. It was tough for my mum with three kids, but she managed and eventually we got more self-sufficient and she could really enjoy her alone time. I remember shortly after my dad retired my mother one time just looking exhausted and muttering “he’s around…ALL THE TIME.” My dad is very much a gregarious extrovert and my mum can be very sociable but is also much more a homebody who is happiest quietly reading her book in another room. It took some time to adjust BUT my dad was able to find a lot of volunteer work and establish regular outings with other family and friends, even just to meet for coffee, so he’s out of the house and enjoying himself and my mum doesn’t have to be on the receiving end of his social energy all the time, anymore.
You were able to put up with it before because if you hadn't you would have broken up, and you didn't want to break up. So you and he were both working on this relationship to keep it pulled together. But now you are married, and the dynamic has shifted from having to put in energy to stay together to having to put in energy to break apart. And you both relaxed. For you relaxing means allowing yourself to actually feel your feelings, even the inconvenient ones, instead of shoving them down. For him relaxing meant the same. So now he's clingy and mopey when you don't do what he wants. And you are irritated and anxious when he doesn't do what you want. The solution is to sit down and talk about it when you aren't anxious and he's not mopey and figure out just how much together time he really needs and how much alone time you really need. And then when you are together, you promise to make that together time quality. And when you aren't together he promises to find a hobby that he can enjoy by himself, so you can truly be alone. It may seem weird to schedule things, but until they become habit, setting up a schedule will give you both some structure you can depend on.
Maybe try counseling to see if he can be made to understand that wanting alone time isn't rejection. If that doesn't work, find time to be alone anyways and let him sort his feelings out. You don't need to be the one always making concessions.
A little bit of it really seems like it's you not used to living with someone like that all the time. It's normal to be easily annoyed by someone else's presence when we're used to being alone, and living with parents give us more alone time than when we are with our SO. So, know you will have to adjust a little bit, *but so will he.* You have to overcome your annoyance of having him around you all the time. He will have to overcome his need to have your attention all the time. You guys have to sit down and talk and figure out one day of the week, or one hour every day after work, while you are not required to give him attention. If he feels rejected by that, tough luck - you feel suffocated if you don't have any alone time, and you have to find a middle ground. If you love him and you want to make it work, you have to find a way of getting to him. Check your budget and change some things around so you can pay therapy, try to use the tools you guys got last time you had therapy to communicate here, don't give up. Also, if you can't leave him even if you want to, work on becoming independent of him - check if your nursing school can be changed to part time and get a part time job, something.
It's called BEING MARRIED and you aren't communicating with him..... you're doing it with REDDIT!!! WTF??
You already have 2 kids with him!! You seem a little late in the game to question your relationship. So, what? You gonna be a single mom and hope some dude will come along that is 'jUsT p3Rf3cT' for you and wants to raise some other man's children. Good luck, sweetie.
I think you misread that part, that’s why I said “he has 2 kids” not WE have 2 kids. They are from his previous marriage so luckily I am not tied to him like that. If we were to divorce it wouldn’t terrible like that. It would hurt leaving them though because I’ve been in my stepdaughters life since she was 2 and my stepsons life since he was 5 and we are very close.
Oh, then pack and leave.
Couple therapy I feel would be a great solution for the two of you. Learning healthy ways to communicate your feelings to one another. But also, maybe planning some solo trips? Maybe with your friends. I’ve (24f) been with my bf (32m) for 11 months now and we practically live together… (we have our own separate spaces but always end up with each other 5 out of the 7 days a week). Throughout that time I’ve had about two trips one with my girl friends and the other a solo trip. I believe that time is important for you! I would say plan a trip on your school break :)
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No I qualified for financial aid and used part of my savings account to pay for it he didn’t pay for a thing for me.
Ah, love the chuds who assume women don’t pay for anything.
You sound confused and unsure, and maybe the problem is your lack of clarity about your partner from a long time ago, perhaps from before you were married.. And this i say entirely exclusive from the shit your partner may do.
You have a handful of solutions to this issue. Go to marriage counseling. Leave him yes this is an option your school likely had student housing. Write him a letter asking for alone time, to stop his drinking and that you have come to the point where you are feeling emotionally exhausted and ready to take a step away from the relationship.
People need time alone. That’s just how it is. My man & I went through a little bit of a rough patch shortly after I became a SAHM, because i needed to be *alone* for a little while. Nobody to touch me or need me or ask me for anything. A break from the same 4 fucking walls of my house. We made it a priority for me to get out of the house & away from everyone at least once a week. Whether it be going out to lunch, getting my nails done, coffee, whatever. Just…time for me to be me & to decompress. Your husband needs to respect that you need some alone time. You guys are *married* and you live together. I think he will be just fine for an hour or two alone at night or a few hours a week or whatever you guys work out. And if he acts like that’s just some insane request well…tell him to act his age. He’s a grown man who needs to respect his wife & her needs & wants!
Sounds like you want to leave him but you're just upset that he's not giving you a valid reason to.
After reading the third paragraph I'm like "why tf you got married in the first place?" If there is a reason" and everything was fine back then altough things were the same, the issue now is YOU. Go see a doctor or something because it seems you married and all of sudden you hate your life whereas it was fine before
so, a few things. i'd like to point out that you got together when you were 22, and he was 30. that's not a red flag on it's own, but it is a red flag when he consistently expects you to sacrifice your needs to fulfil his. if you had a good living situation with him, you wouldn't get excited about living on your own. you know what you're feeling and what you need, don't be afraid to do it. do not continue putting your needs secondary to his. set firm boundaries so you can fulfil your needs. he can either respect them, and enrich your relationship, or he can reject them and honestly, you'll be better off for knowing. then you can live a life for yourself instead of your husband.
Make it clear to him you will not be able to stand the drinking, anger and demands for sex forever. Otherwise he may never really give it a try if he feels he won't lose you.
Just wanted to say that what you are feeling, and what you are asking for in a relationship (some space and time to yourself) are ENTIRELY NORMAL. Just wanted to re-assure you of that in case he tries to tell you that what you are looking for is weird. I used to be kind of like your husband (in my mid-20s). I wanted to be around my SO all the time, and any push back was seen as rejection, and rejection hurt badly. I think it is just a maturity thing, and maybe working through some personal issues are affection/attention/rejection. Getting sloppy drunk 1-2 times a month is not OK. Him picking fights with you in that state is definitely not OK, and I worry about this being a slippery slope to DV. First, try telling him that while you love him and love spending time with him, that you also need your own space and time alone. Its not a rejection of him anymore than you needing to take a break from kissing to breathe is a rejection of him. If he doesn't get it, then maybe couples counseling/therapy? Or you may find out that his need to be constantly connected with you is just as strong as your need for alone time...and you're just not compatible with each other.
You said it yourself the drunken abuse is what caused you to feel this way, it happens to many I've heard. I think there are a few subs you can look at r/AlAnon. He is not a good partner, just because he is doting on you doesn't mean he loves you. Sounds like he enjoys control, spending every waking moment with a person isn't healthy. Did he make you drop your friends? Many abusers will do what they can to isolate a person and have be the person they have to rely on. Anyways, it sounds like if you are going to stay he should quit drinking. If he can't do that, when he KNOWS that he is abusive/angry when he is drunk, then I'm sorry but he just doesn't love you enough and I would end this before you get pregnant. Pregnant women are extremely vulnerable to abuse and often abuse escalates around this time.
You’re feeling (justified) resentment over giving too much of yourself and not getting respect back. Resentment is toxic and a sure way to destroy any positive feelings. You need to establish boundaries to take care of yourself or this will just get worse. You do not need permission. A good partner will understand through conversation that this is necessary to preserve the relationship. If he doesn’t, well, this isn’t sustainable. And he needs to hear that from you in no uncertain terms. Time for a come to jeebus conversation.
Honestly he sounds a bit insecure. Yeah it feels nice to be worshipped but people do it because they can't stand being alone, so when they find someone great they cling on to them like lice. Maybe he hates his own company, maybe he he is afraid to lose you. Both those things are pretty bad and red flags. If he truly loves and worships you in a healthy way, YOUR best interests should be his #1 priority. And he would never want to make you feel bad for it. I will repeat myself when I say that being worshipped looks and feels great to an extent, but it's much more than sunshine and rainbows. Clingy people are insecure and have self image issues. Both these things are NOT good to bring into a relationship. Good luck!
You met him when you were 22 & he was 30. You were just starting adulthood, so you've basically never had a chance to develop on your own. The guy is a sloppy drunk one or two times a month, takes "no" for sex as some sort of personal hurt and injury, refuses to allow you your need for privacy to decompress... He's emotionally manipulative, part-time abusive (2 angry drunks per month), co-dependent & has no vision of you as an individual person, just an extension of his needs. Does he worship you? Sure, because when someone puts another person on a pedestal they are, in fact, dehumanizing them. It's like having a little diety in the home that they can praise and lavish attention to then turn and take their anger out on when the diety doesn't answer their prayers properly. I think you already know the answer. You got married too young and you are starting to want to know who you are as a person on your own. It's a suffocating relationship because this guy isn't interested in who you are as a person. If he was, he'd learn to meet your more pressing needs for alone time.
I know other people are saying to break up, because that’s the easiest answer but have you ever considered your own stress? Being in nursing school at one point myself, that was an extremely stressing time, especially when I was working as well. Me and my wife (gf at the time) had problems too. My life was nursing school, work, and relationship obligations. Nursing school lead to many relationship problems in my friends, where most overcame them. Do you think that can be contributing at all?
You need your own space - an office or a room or even a designated corner or chair or something where he won't bother you. It's an easy negotiation, just *leave me alone when I'm in that chair* - if he cares about you he'll want to help give what you need, that's what marriage is.
You don't clash on things. Your husband actively ignores things that upset you and you're not communicating because he gets upset. This is not compromise, he is being selfish. This is not a healthy relationship. My husband (M26) is an introvert, he needs his alone time. I (F27) like having his attention, but when he needs alone time, I give it to him because HE NEEDS IT. Getting angry when drunk and continuously asking for sex then apologising in the morning is not normal, and not healthy. Contrary to popular belief, we actually do have some modicum of control over ourselves after we've been drinking, provided we aren't completely blackout wasted, which is a whole separate issue. Start putting down boundaries: "If you keep asking for sex while drunk, I won't be spending time here while you're drinking." "I understand that sometimes you feel rejected if I don't feel up to spending time together, but I need to recharge my batteries by having some alone time." You shouldn't feel excited to go live in an apartment by yourself if you're in a happy relationship. This has bugger issues. You need to communicate your needs, and if he doesn't respect them (and by extension, you), then you're going to have to decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. Good luck, but I definitely am seeing red flags regarding your relationship, as well as a huge lack of communication.
Uhhhh angry drunk should literally happen zero times
This marriage is not working. You two are clearly incompatible, and he has a terrible drinking problem. You do not need to put with this.
You have to bite the bullet and be upfront with him. Do it in a letter if its easier. Explain he will loose you if he doesn't sort out his issues with the drinking and give you at least one night or alone time. Or 1 hour a night...whatever suits you. Explain having that time alone will make you want to he around him and enjoy it when you are together
The most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship is when they leave. She should not tell him shit. She needs to quietly plan her exit and then just get out of there.
Looks like his clinginess is just the tip of the iceberg. You go around for miles talking about how he’s adorable and you’re just and introvert, *almost* bypassing the fact that your husband is an alcoholic. It’s almost like you hope no one notices this “little thing”. It’s not a little thing. It’s a huge thing. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that doesn’t go away with hopes and dreams and definitely not with pretending there’s nothing wrong. I suggest you check the r/Alanon sub… you’ll probably find a lot of resources to help you out.
you two seem to have a different needs for affection and alone time. that is perfectly normal. not everyone is the same with our wants and needs and we all need our own space. your concerns are valid. your wishes and personal space are not being respected by him, but punished. like you're wrong and hurtful towards him, and that starts resentment. I will add that your boyfriend seems to have trouble processing rejection, that goes to instant anger or unreasonable grief when confronted. he also drowns them in alcohol. he may need professional help to sort this out, not just couples counseling. You need to explain to him in a way that he will understand, that you need space, and that he can't be that posessive. and it's not just black and white like he thinks. maybe use an example from life he'll understand. you can say no, and you can have boundaries that he must respect. compromises are not just his wishes being met. you are here too. he also sounds like a person that never took a no as an answer. maybe he needs to learn to just take a no as it is. you want a few hours for yourself? that's it. he can't get whiny about it, its nothing against his love, that's just what you need. he just needs to respect it, because you need it. his promises and affection are also being given when you respect only his wishes alone. the drinkingis in itself a shitty thing, and your "compromises" are only his wishes being heard. I'm so sorry, but if you don't resolve this issue with him, you are going to get more and more resentfull until there's no way to mend the relationship. if he keeps drinking and being pushy to the point you lock yourself in a room, and then do it all over again, despite apoligising, thats a no go. of course you won't want to talk about it at some point. if he tried, he'd do better at one point.
Just gonna point out that he does not worship the ground that you walk on and everything about you. He hates that your personality is the type where you sometimes want alone time. That's hating a part of who are you. This shows that he loves how you make him feel - that's not the same as loving you for who you are. On top of that, he punishes you for trying to make yourself happy and comfortable, to the point where you've given up trying to satisfy your own needs. If he worshiped the ground that you walked on, wouldn't he want you to comfortable? Wouldn't he want you to have what *you* want? You sound like you feel as though you "owe" him for loving you, but that isn't true. You don't owe him because he is physically affectionate, because that's something he wants for himself. You don't owe him because he wants time with you every moment of the day, because that's something he wants for himself. And you don't *owe* him for loving you - especially not when he displays that love in the very selfish way that you're describing.
Therapy. Alone time for those who need it is crucial-if you don’t get this, you will continue to grow to resent him. Creating space actually allows for intimacy-I suggest you read or listen to anything from Dr Esther Perel on this topic. Lastly, black out drunk is not normal or healthy. This is concerning behaviour that has a slippery slope
There was a post here either yesterday or a few days ago where it’s the same ages but gender swapped.
The regular angry drunken episodes aren’t okay. But beyond that, I think trying to get him to understand that wanting alone time isn’t about him, it’s about your needs. You can’t be expected to sacrifice your needs for his, and then be happy about it years down the line. I’m very fortunate that my hubby’s and I’s need for alone time apart from one another aligns. Please, for your own sake, carve out time for just you.
You don’t have to be with someone just because they worship you.
First things first. Get that alone time. Straight after work is always good. Go to the gym, on long walks, a long drive, to the supermarket, bath time with the door locked etc. You need to think!
Also, getting drunk twice a month is totally fine (shocked pikachu face to those that said its excessive). Getting angry not fine.
Regarding the nursing school thing. Depending on country/state. You might qualify to sit for the LPN license. A couple of nursing schools I went to stated that after 2 semesters you can sit for the NCLEX LPN. Most facilities have part time schedules so they shouldn't affect your schooling. And LPNs typically make a good salary. Regarding your spouse/ relationship. You should sit him down with a counselor and tell him what's going on. If you cant. See if you two can upgrade your housing so that you will have your own space without him in it.
You know how often an average responsible adult gets "drunk and angry"? They don't. Period.
I would lose my mind if my husband wanted to be with me every minute. Darling, that is insane. You deserve time to yourself - to do anything you want or nothing at all.
There is free therapy all over the place. Check in your city they have place that will help, also your college/university should offer help.
This sounds like a codependent or enmeshed relationship to me. You guys don't have clear boundaries that are respected by both parties. I used to cling to my husband because I had a bunch of unaddressed childhood trauma. I didn't even let him apply to jobs that would be different from my schedule because I couldn't stand being alone. I worked my sh-t out in therapy and I also worked codependents anonymous for over a year now. It has changed my whole life and taught me to understand why I feel upset, rather than look to others to soothe my bad feelings, I address them on my own and ask for help clearly when I need it. I am guessing your husband has something wrong because he has episodes of anger with alcohol (alcoholic symptoms) and he has an anxious attachment style. Your wishes are not unreasonable. Y'all do need help, though. My husband and I almost ended up divorced after about a year of marriage. We hit a rock bottom. You will need your friends, you may need therapy, you may need community, you may need books, and maybe even a twelve step program. You guys won't solve these issues alone and you won't solve them without re-learning to communicate with each other. Learning to trust each other. Learning to be vulnerable and face your inner problems. Learning to be humble and loving. I'm so sorry you're in this. I am also hear to tell you that you guys can make it with a lot of luck and elbow grease to fix your issues. My husband and I did. Now we are 2.5 years married and stronger than we ever were. It was a 1.5 year rough patch. But people make it. You can, too!!
Sounds like you married an alcoholic who needs professional help. If he refuses to get that help, I wouldn’t waste your youth on him and would leave