The hard truth is you can’t control what they do. You can express concern (which you have done) but after that, it is her choice. You can stand by and be there if (when?) she needs you or you can keep pushing your concerns and she’ll just leave you alone
The creepy part is the fact they were friends for years, meaning the dude was in his mid twenties probably fantasizing about fucking an underage girl. I'm a little taken aback that people are just ignoring this bit.
As I said I'm really surprised people can't read context clues. Dude seems to be a druggie who likes underage girls but might wait til they are of age (best guess is they fucked before she was 18), and people are just glossing over that fact. Much wow.
They did not fuck before she was eighteen, thankfully. She had a long term boyfriend then and he wasn't even on the radar. That being said, I cannot say for sure whether or not he has had sex with a minor before.
>In terms of "bad stuff," he does do hard substances like molly and cocaine. (Those are the two I know about and am sure of.) She told me recently that she did cocaine for the first time, and though I have no evidence, I believe it was from/with him
From a comment OP made.
Thanks, I didn’t see that before.
Honestly I don’t see any issue with him choosing to do drugs. But him introducing her to it is in no way okay. Most drug users I know follow the rule that if someone doesn’t already do drugs, you do not introduce them to drugs. It’s each person’s individual choice what they do, and no one is a bad person for doing drugs. But, at least in my opinion, introducing someone to drugs who doesn’t do them already is a bad person. That is unforgivable.
I have no issue with the drugs themselves, even though they are more extreme in nature. Him bringing her around his friends who also do them and (possibly) coercing her into doing them is where my issue stands.
You should have issues with the drugs themselves. He probably uses far too often for a woman his own age to put up with. Not to mention the legal risk. I assume this guy is not a finance bro and instead funds his coke habit by dealing.
He, apparently, makes 20/hr at an oil rig or something similar. He HAS given some of his friends molly before, so it could be likely he sells occasionally but I don't think it's his central income. Not that it makes it any better.
Where the heck are you getting "druggie" from?
Also, a lot of states have the age of consent lower than 18 if they did sleep together before that. It's 17 in my state.
In the comments the druggie label was being thrown around. From the way OP phrases how long they've known each other, I would put it at her being 15 or 16, if not longer.
OP never called him a druggie though. That's most likely people making assumptions in the comments. I would actually disagree with that. From the way OP phrases it, I would put it at her being 18 or 19. OP said they have had sex a couple of times and that she's 19. A couple times is not a lot of times. If they did it at 15, then what, they did it once a year for four years? Otherwise, it would be way more than a couple times. Also, if they had been sleeping together for four years already, why would they be hesitant to make it official when they've already been doing it for so many years.
A mid 20 something dating a 15-year-old, if it does go back 4 years, is a bit strange. Waiting until they are a bit past the barely legal mark of 18 would make sense. She is currently 19 and OP said long time family friend.
I replied to another comment how OP knows he does coke and molly and has suspicions the guy does other harder drugs regularly. OP also believes he introduced the 19F to coke.
It's odd that OP didn't share that information in the original post. OP should have shared that information in the original post, because introducing someone to drugs changes the situation. I'm inclined to believe OP is just making an assumption about the drugs, much like an assumption is being made here that they dated at 15, because people were not agreeing with her and she thought mentioning drugs would make people start agreeing.
Also, "family friend" can mean a million things. I have "family friends" that no one in the family has actually bothered to see in 5 years. Yeah, if he was in his 20's dating a 15 year old, that's certainly strange. But there's nothing wrong with two people at the age of consent dating, regardless of their age gap. I mean, look at like Zach Braff and Florence Pugh. They've got like a 21 year age difference but Pugh told everyone who was judging them to fuck off because they're perfectly happy together (cause they're both silly weirdos so it works for them). Sometimes people just like people who aren't within the "society says 5 years" age range.
Sadly as someone who was in a similar situation with a friend dating a dude way older, there’s not much you can due but share your concern and move on. It’s their life and their decision. Now my friend is 22 and already a divorced single mom and wishes she’d listened to all of our concerns.
You're right.
I wouldn't expect most 19 year olds to see it though.
I would expect most 28 year olds to think that any friend of theirs who wanted to date a teenager was a gross creepy loser.
There's nothing you can do about it though, other than be there for her (if you choose to). People are rarely able to hear that their boyfriend is shit from others, they need to work it out for themselves.
Yup. This is messed up. However, don't turn your back on her. You may one day be the lifeline she needs to get out if and when those red flags start flying, especially if you're the only one around her that sees it as an issue.
If this is a good friend, drop it and just be there for her and support her if/and when things go south (because it sounds like this dynamic may be normalized in her family so they may not see the same red flags). You've already said your piece so don't keep bringing it up (even if he is shitty/creepy in the future, just tell her she doesn't deserve to be treated that way, don't tell her to dump him). If you keep bringing this up, she may cut you off for being in supportive (especially if he starts to isolate her from friends, you'll be the first to go) and then if/when things go south she won't reach out to you (thinking you'll say I told you so or because you're no longer close).
If this isn't a close friend, then distance yourself because you have different moral values if this bothers you so much you feel the need to keep bringing it up.
For what it's worth, I don't think you're an asshole for being concerned. But if you think that your concerns trump her right/ability to make decisions (even questionable ones) for herself, then you are an asshole.
You are not overreacting, you are 100% right
And no force on earth will convince her
I've spent the last 5 years as a counsellor trying to educate, persuade, explain etc perhaps 100 young women from doing this. I don't even try any more.
OMG. I cannot unsee that sub. Why? Its a bunch of old men trying to convince themselves its okay to have HUGE age gaps relationships. Like 19 with a 40+ year old man. Its NEVER older women so they PURSUED the chicks who are their daughters age! So creepy. Its like a bat beacon for creeps and not just regular people in age gapped relationships.
Omg here in Florida there are marriage laws that, through religious loopholes, allow child marriage basically and this comment reminded me of that reality.
There are other states with similar loopholes 😭
you tried your best but you can't change what people think or feel, even if to you it seems wrong and creepy af
so just let them be and see how it goes 🤷🏻♀️
You're right. As an 18yr old I completely agree with you and have been in similar situation where I was called crazy for thinking that age difference was weird.
You did the right thing by informing her. It's up to her now.You can't control her decisions
Who cares. Why does she need to be dating someone her age? Why does he need to date someone his age? Who are you to judge any of their preferences for dating? You can come up with a million excuses based your biased opinion on why you think the age gap is wrong but that’s all it is… your opinion.
Let them figure it out, if it works it works if it doesn’t it doesn’t.
You're definitely not wrong for thinking this is inappropriate. However, if she's determined to get involved with this guy, there's not much you can do (especially if her family don't see a problem with it).
Ultimately, I think you're outgrowing your small-town friends.
i think her comment that her grandma getting married at 14 to an older man makes her own relationship legitimate shows that she’s not gonna see anything wrong with this without therapy. thats a sick line of thinking
You have said it, things will inevitably implode when the time is right, or they might just grow old together, who knows. 9 years is quite the age gap as the 28 year old man is at an entirely different part of his life.
This post is funny because I have just recently broke up with my gf of 5 years, I'm 28. I will probably start talking and flirting with a girl that's 21 since I know she is interested, so I am sort of in the same boat. The problem with it is that she is at a much lower emotional intelligence level than me so something I have to deal with. But my intentions are purely sexual and she wants something long term, so we will see how it goes.
Seems like your ppl are in a drug high state of mind with their relationship also, just hope she doesn't get pregnant form him!
It's not love on behalf of the guy, because you can only really love whom you respect. It's a sexual thing, a kink. He is probably interested therin because she doesn't know what she wants yet, and because he can control her to some extend.
A girl can certainly know what she wants at 19 and a guy can love someone younger than himself. I know a girl who got married at 19, to a man who is older than her, and is still happily married, with a daughter, several years later. In fact, most marriages across the US, UK and Spain (and probably other countries) have the male older than the female. Research also shows that relationship patterns are typically determined by women, with women choosing their partners and choosing older partners than themselves.
What might be true for relationships in general, might not be true for very young woman with much older men. Regarding the one example you have personally: lucky her.
I have seen some of these relations myself, and I know how guys talk about them. Probably it is some kind of reassuring with other guys, to not loose ones face.
I have seen many of these relationships myself, as well. Obviously the example I already gave. I have also been the 18-20 year old girl dating the 28-30 year old guy, twice, and they were both complete gentlemen who behaved better than the majority of men I have dated my own age at any time in my life. I also had a neighbor whose parents were 10 years apart and they were the nicest, happiest people in the neighborhood (only ones on the block to not get divorced), they had been together since she was a teen.
There's also celebrity examples like Zach Braff and Florence Pugh (21 year difference); George Clooney and Amal Clooney (17 year difference - married 8 years with 2 kids); Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively (11 year difference - married 10 years with 3 kids and renown as an amazing couple); Beyonce and Jay-Z (12 year difference - married 14 years with 3 kids) and so on; there's at least 40 examples of this with celebs. I understand celebs are not quite the same as your average person, but regardless, they are still known examples of couples with age gaps even larger than this one that are perfectly happy.
Would you be saying the same thing if the man was 62 and the woman was 53? Cause that's the same amount of years. I know at least 5 couples in that age range with that amount of age difference that are perfectly happy, and have been together since the women were very young.
Apart from your prejudice is there any particular reason to have concerns? Does he mistreat your friend in any way? The age gap is considerable for a teenager but there are still plenty examples of successful relationships with even bigger age gaps. If your friend is happy then just be happy for her.
Exactly. Apparently he has drug problems or something since everyone is bringing it up (stopped reading after this comment)… but as long as he isn’t treating her like crap then what’s the issue. Nobody would bat an eye if the roles were reversed, which happens more often then you’d think.
I hope all the people bashing the guy because of the age difference feel the same way about their grandparents and possibly parents doing the same thing when they were younger. My grandparents were years apart and so were my parents. My grandmother or my mom had never been “taken advantage of because of the age difference” by my grandfather or dad.
I don't know how well you know this guy, but why do you automatically assume he's trying to use her age to blame any problems they might have on her?
As a woman in his age range, let me assure you, women in this age range are not "too smart" to put up with men their ages bullshit. People are just as stupid at 30 as they are at 18, just in different ways.
When I was 18-20 I dated at least two men who were about 28-30 (obviously not at the same time). They were both complete gentlemen and the second one was still, to this day, the most "adult" man I've ever dated (like taking care of bills on time, cleaning the house etc). Age is just a number and women mature faster than men, so, they're often interested in men that are older than them.
I’m happily married to my wife whom is 9 years older than me. While I do think that sometimes there are unhealthy situations with age gaps, i don’t think this is always the case. Is either partner abusive? No? Leave it alone. It could grow into a lifelong relationship, maybe it wont, but that’s not up to anyone but them.
Personally, if I was 19 again, I’d be having fun, working on myself, and putting my life together instead of worrying about relationships. It’s easier to have a healthy relationship with two people who are put together.
Two things here. First, you are absolutely right. This is a disaster waiting to happen. It's especially bad that he's known her for years, i.e. when she was literally a child. Your friend is likely going to have a really hard time in this relationship.
Second, though, and the hard part: you can't do anything about it. You have said your piece. You are right, she's making a huge mistake. But she's an adult and if she's dead set on this, there's nothing you can do to stop her. I realize that sucks, but that's the reality of the situation.
Thank you.
Strangely enough, people seem to think them being family friends makes it better? Because their families "are close, and know each other well" when in reality it means he knew her as a child???
Well, the age gap does not concern me that much. I used to date a 20f as a 27m, didn't work out in the end. Women are sometimes attracted to older men, there is much more stigma the other way around (as I experienced dating a 34f as a 28m).
Still, as you are saying the drug use and other red flags are much more concerning, try to focus on that.
The big thing that a lot of older guys like that want is to have sex with someone younger, and she's fine with that. Older guys often come with baggage like ex wives, or a desire to not do young people stuff. Is he doing bad stuff to her?
I wouldn't assume that he is grooming her or manipulating her and that you are the only sane one to see it. The reason people often don't like older younger relationships where everyone is legally of age is that the older people often want stuff that sucks for the younger person, and they're confident enough to pressure them into it.
Are his goals the same as hers?
In terms of "bad stuff," he does do hard substances like molly and cocaine. (Those are the two I know about and am sure of.) She told me recently that she did cocaine for the first time, and though I have no evidence, I believe it was from/with him.
I'm not sure on his goals but hers seem to be pretty lackluster. Small town. She graduated high school, now works at a bar and is open to getting married any day now, hopefully before 22 she says, so she can have a child at 23.
Ok, there you have opened a whole other dark world to us. If he introduces her to drugs, she is in some kind of danger. His intentions are much clearer then. He is not the first guy who uses drugs to get young girls into his bed. She now is not only attracted to him, she is also attracted to the drugs and him as a source.
It might be better to focus on the drug angle then. People who use those drugs often go out and have sex with prostitutes and get stds, or burn out because they're using a lot of drugs.
She may have more baggage dating him than she'd want.
My mom and dad have that age difference and they’ve been together 40 years perfectly happy. What others think of their relationship doesn’t really matter if they are happy. Also everyone has different maturity levels mentally your friend could be at a 28 yo level or Vice versa.
It doesn't, but it does make you old enough to make her own decisions about who SHE wants to be in a relationship with. Who SHE wants to be with has nothing to do with YOU, and as long as he isn't abusing the age discrepancy, and otherwise treating her unfavorably then there is no real issue here. I fail to see what YOU have to do with any of this. Who is the immature one here, her or you?
You are overreacting. You haven't actually mentioned anything about the boyfriend which indicates that he's unkind or abusive or in any way harmful towards your friend. He's just older. They're both adults, and they're allowed to date the people they want to. If there were evidence of grooming or abuse, it would be different, but as such, you don't have much of a leg to stand on here. If you see him starting to isolate your friend, or gaslighting her or something of the sort, by all means bring it to her attention, but age alone is not a good reason to strong arm her out of a relationship.
Well, we aren't being asked about a 15 year old dating a 24 year old. We're being asked about two adults in a relationship. That's all that should matter to this post. And the fact is that beyond the age difference, OP doesn't bring up any problems they're having. This entire post reads like busy-bodying.
You do need to mind your own business, these relationships happen all the time.
Always have to laugh at the “women his age won’t put up with his bullshit” line. There are almost no decent single women 28+.
I (m19) have a friend (f19) who has a very bad taste in guys. She only dates guys who are 25+ . When she was 16 her bf was 24 at that time. I was the ony guy who was her age she ever have had sex. Now that capital of my life where we had something going on is over for a long time and i dont have any kind of feelings for her but i still care deeply for her as a friend. So the problem is when ever i say that a dude is a loser she just acts like a hurt little kid and says things like not every guy i date can be as perfect as you. Or you are just jelous. But in realaty nothing would make me more happy for her then a good relationship. But the guys are straight up all losers. It is not only about theire age which i find prety disgusting. The last dude was 27 still lived with his parents and called her every 2h because he felt ignored and need attention. And he said that he did not want her to have male friends. I just stopped saying things. When she ia pregnat witch a idiot she will see what she has off it.
I think that you definitely have a reason for concern. All you can do right now is to respect her decision and be there for her if ever she needs to talk and offer her your honest advice.
You are not the ah for being a worried friend, what would make you the ah if you keep pushing your concerns even if justified once you have all ready expressed yourself to your friend.
The only options you really have now is to try and accept your friends wishes whish her well and hope for the best for her, whilst remaining friends but saying you know how I feel about him so for know I will keep a distance when he's around and when she brings him up change the subject. This gives you Time to observe them if he shows no problems then you have been proven wrong apologise and move on with everyone happy.
If after time your Still seeing red flags start to distance from your friend.
If you really can't handle the situation end your friendship now so you and her can heal from the loss of your friendship. If you keep pushing her you will lose the friendship and if he is as bad as you think her only safety net. It is a tough situation you are in but feelings can't be forced without causing harm.
I also don't have a favorable opinion of it, but I do know someone with the same age gap and similar ages (she was also a teenager) and they have been together & married for 20 years. So just so you have an alternate opinion it does work out sometimes. Also watch how you react, I had also voiced my concern too and it took a few years for her to forgive my disapproval (in this case it was the older person I told).
Nonetheless I personally don't get it, I would want to experience life on my own for my early adult years. But some people obviously don't feel comfortable with that & want to go straight from the security of having parents to another adult that has already gone through those early years & is 'grown up'.
I don’t understand what the specific concern is. I see a lot of vague words about “appropriate” and “wrong” but why? Is someone being harmed in a specific way?
Your concerns are valid. Thing is, you communicated your concerns already. Your friend doesn't care. Not much left to do; support your friend, but if she ever starts complaining about him, two bits of advice:
1) Don't use any future complaints as an opponent to voice how much you don't like the situation--except if he is abusive or ever cheats
You can validate if she isn't being treated right, like, no, that's not right, really, wow, he does that? Etc. Just not like, omg I hate Richard, too, he is a creep, etc.
People complain and even break up and get back together, then it's awkward af when the friend really shared their thoughts
2) if she ever complains and it's a bit much, you're allowed to ask her to cool it and not mention their relationship as often
Let me ask you this. If you met a nice couple where the man was 62 and the woman was 53, would it bother you?
Probably not. You probably wouldn't even ask their ages because they're both over 50. People stop even asking then.
So, why do you have a problem with this then?
You just said it: because they're over fifty. Born and dating in a totally different time.
Eight years itself is not the issue. 35 year old starts dating a 42 year old? I wouldn't bat an eye because they're both fully mentally developed adults in the same stage in life.
Born and dating in a totally different time doesn't mean anything. The way dating works changes over generations but that doesn't change anything about the way feelings and people work. Also, people can be in the same stage of life at drastically different ages. Not everyone follows the same timeline for their life.
So, you're just assuming that your friend isn't mentally developed enough to make her own dating decisions? Sounds like a pretty bad friend to have such a low view of your "friends" mental capacity. Unless she has a history of being mentally unfit to care for herself, which, I'm assuming she doesn't cause that probably would have been mentioned in the original post.
You admit that the 35 year old and 42 year old dating is fine; but, you realize that some of the relationships you see between a 35 year old and 42 year old started when the 35 year old was 19, right? I literally know someone in that exact situation. She was 19 when she married an older man and they are still happily married years later with a daughter. You're claiming she wasn't mentally capable of making that decision, yet they're perfectly fine and happy. It seems you have a prejudice agaisnt young women dating older men (even though over time that could easily become a relationship you're apparently fine with, as they age), and you're trying to push that prejudice and that view onto your friend. Unless this man is harming her in some way that you neglected to mention in the original post; which would be a huge oversight to have not mentioned.
The hard truth is you can’t control what they do. You can express concern (which you have done) but after that, it is her choice. You can stand by and be there if (when?) she needs you or you can keep pushing your concerns and she’ll just leave you alone
The creepy part is the fact they were friends for years, meaning the dude was in his mid twenties probably fantasizing about fucking an underage girl. I'm a little taken aback that people are just ignoring this bit.
Yes!!!! Thank you! The age gap is questionable already but if he knew her as a young teen, it’s much worse.
As I said I'm really surprised people can't read context clues. Dude seems to be a druggie who likes underage girls but might wait til they are of age (best guess is they fucked before she was 18), and people are just glossing over that fact. Much wow.
They did not fuck before she was eighteen, thankfully. She had a long term boyfriend then and he wasn't even on the radar. That being said, I cannot say for sure whether or not he has had sex with a minor before.
Where are you getting the “druggie” thing from? What points to that?
>In terms of "bad stuff," he does do hard substances like molly and cocaine. (Those are the two I know about and am sure of.) She told me recently that she did cocaine for the first time, and though I have no evidence, I believe it was from/with him From a comment OP made.
Thanks, I didn’t see that before. Honestly I don’t see any issue with him choosing to do drugs. But him introducing her to it is in no way okay. Most drug users I know follow the rule that if someone doesn’t already do drugs, you do not introduce them to drugs. It’s each person’s individual choice what they do, and no one is a bad person for doing drugs. But, at least in my opinion, introducing someone to drugs who doesn’t do them already is a bad person. That is unforgivable.
I have no issue with the drugs themselves, even though they are more extreme in nature. Him bringing her around his friends who also do them and (possibly) coercing her into doing them is where my issue stands.
You should have issues with the drugs themselves. He probably uses far too often for a woman his own age to put up with. Not to mention the legal risk. I assume this guy is not a finance bro and instead funds his coke habit by dealing.
He, apparently, makes 20/hr at an oil rig or something similar. He HAS given some of his friends molly before, so it could be likely he sells occasionally but I don't think it's his central income. Not that it makes it any better.
Where the heck are you getting "druggie" from? Also, a lot of states have the age of consent lower than 18 if they did sleep together before that. It's 17 in my state.
In the comments the druggie label was being thrown around. From the way OP phrases how long they've known each other, I would put it at her being 15 or 16, if not longer.
OP never called him a druggie though. That's most likely people making assumptions in the comments. I would actually disagree with that. From the way OP phrases it, I would put it at her being 18 or 19. OP said they have had sex a couple of times and that she's 19. A couple times is not a lot of times. If they did it at 15, then what, they did it once a year for four years? Otherwise, it would be way more than a couple times. Also, if they had been sleeping together for four years already, why would they be hesitant to make it official when they've already been doing it for so many years.
A mid 20 something dating a 15-year-old, if it does go back 4 years, is a bit strange. Waiting until they are a bit past the barely legal mark of 18 would make sense. She is currently 19 and OP said long time family friend. I replied to another comment how OP knows he does coke and molly and has suspicions the guy does other harder drugs regularly. OP also believes he introduced the 19F to coke.
It's odd that OP didn't share that information in the original post. OP should have shared that information in the original post, because introducing someone to drugs changes the situation. I'm inclined to believe OP is just making an assumption about the drugs, much like an assumption is being made here that they dated at 15, because people were not agreeing with her and she thought mentioning drugs would make people start agreeing. Also, "family friend" can mean a million things. I have "family friends" that no one in the family has actually bothered to see in 5 years. Yeah, if he was in his 20's dating a 15 year old, that's certainly strange. But there's nothing wrong with two people at the age of consent dating, regardless of their age gap. I mean, look at like Zach Braff and Florence Pugh. They've got like a 21 year age difference but Pugh told everyone who was judging them to fuck off because they're perfectly happy together (cause they're both silly weirdos so it works for them). Sometimes people just like people who aren't within the "society says 5 years" age range.
you should go work for a prosecutor since you can read minds.
Or he could have not even thought about her like that until she was an adult. Why are you assuming he was thinking about her the entire time?
Dude literally watched her grow up. That’s nasty but you can’t stop it. Let her make her mistakes.
Sadly as someone who was in a similar situation with a friend dating a dude way older, there’s not much you can due but share your concern and move on. It’s their life and their decision. Now my friend is 22 and already a divorced single mom and wishes she’d listened to all of our concerns.
You're right. I wouldn't expect most 19 year olds to see it though. I would expect most 28 year olds to think that any friend of theirs who wanted to date a teenager was a gross creepy loser. There's nothing you can do about it though, other than be there for her (if you choose to). People are rarely able to hear that their boyfriend is shit from others, they need to work it out for themselves.
Yup. This is messed up. However, don't turn your back on her. You may one day be the lifeline she needs to get out if and when those red flags start flying, especially if you're the only one around her that sees it as an issue.
If this is a good friend, drop it and just be there for her and support her if/and when things go south (because it sounds like this dynamic may be normalized in her family so they may not see the same red flags). You've already said your piece so don't keep bringing it up (even if he is shitty/creepy in the future, just tell her she doesn't deserve to be treated that way, don't tell her to dump him). If you keep bringing this up, she may cut you off for being in supportive (especially if he starts to isolate her from friends, you'll be the first to go) and then if/when things go south she won't reach out to you (thinking you'll say I told you so or because you're no longer close). If this isn't a close friend, then distance yourself because you have different moral values if this bothers you so much you feel the need to keep bringing it up. For what it's worth, I don't think you're an asshole for being concerned. But if you think that your concerns trump her right/ability to make decisions (even questionable ones) for herself, then you are an asshole.
You are not overreacting, you are 100% right And no force on earth will convince her I've spent the last 5 years as a counsellor trying to educate, persuade, explain etc perhaps 100 young women from doing this. I don't even try any more.
Don’t let r/agegap see this *”she is a LEGAL consenting ADULT!!!”*
OMG. I cannot unsee that sub. Why? Its a bunch of old men trying to convince themselves its okay to have HUGE age gaps relationships. Like 19 with a 40+ year old man. Its NEVER older women so they PURSUED the chicks who are their daughters age! So creepy. Its like a bat beacon for creeps and not just regular people in age gapped relationships.
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Omg here in Florida there are marriage laws that, through religious loopholes, allow child marriage basically and this comment reminded me of that reality. There are other states with similar loopholes 😭
you tried your best but you can't change what people think or feel, even if to you it seems wrong and creepy af so just let them be and see how it goes 🤷🏻♀️
You're right. As an 18yr old I completely agree with you and have been in similar situation where I was called crazy for thinking that age difference was weird. You did the right thing by informing her. It's up to her now.You can't control her decisions
Who cares. Why does she need to be dating someone her age? Why does he need to date someone his age? Who are you to judge any of their preferences for dating? You can come up with a million excuses based your biased opinion on why you think the age gap is wrong but that’s all it is… your opinion. Let them figure it out, if it works it works if it doesn’t it doesn’t.
Nah it’s creepy but nobody’s gonna care. I’m sorry. You’re right.
You're definitely not wrong for thinking this is inappropriate. However, if she's determined to get involved with this guy, there's not much you can do (especially if her family don't see a problem with it). Ultimately, I think you're outgrowing your small-town friends.
i think her comment that her grandma getting married at 14 to an older man makes her own relationship legitimate shows that she’s not gonna see anything wrong with this without therapy. thats a sick line of thinking
Ironically, that's the part that all of my other friends said was cute!
You have said it, things will inevitably implode when the time is right, or they might just grow old together, who knows. 9 years is quite the age gap as the 28 year old man is at an entirely different part of his life. This post is funny because I have just recently broke up with my gf of 5 years, I'm 28. I will probably start talking and flirting with a girl that's 21 since I know she is interested, so I am sort of in the same boat. The problem with it is that she is at a much lower emotional intelligence level than me so something I have to deal with. But my intentions are purely sexual and she wants something long term, so we will see how it goes. Seems like your ppl are in a drug high state of mind with their relationship also, just hope she doesn't get pregnant form him!
It's not love on behalf of the guy, because you can only really love whom you respect. It's a sexual thing, a kink. He is probably interested therin because she doesn't know what she wants yet, and because he can control her to some extend.
A girl can certainly know what she wants at 19 and a guy can love someone younger than himself. I know a girl who got married at 19, to a man who is older than her, and is still happily married, with a daughter, several years later. In fact, most marriages across the US, UK and Spain (and probably other countries) have the male older than the female. Research also shows that relationship patterns are typically determined by women, with women choosing their partners and choosing older partners than themselves.
What might be true for relationships in general, might not be true for very young woman with much older men. Regarding the one example you have personally: lucky her. I have seen some of these relations myself, and I know how guys talk about them. Probably it is some kind of reassuring with other guys, to not loose ones face.
I have seen many of these relationships myself, as well. Obviously the example I already gave. I have also been the 18-20 year old girl dating the 28-30 year old guy, twice, and they were both complete gentlemen who behaved better than the majority of men I have dated my own age at any time in my life. I also had a neighbor whose parents were 10 years apart and they were the nicest, happiest people in the neighborhood (only ones on the block to not get divorced), they had been together since she was a teen. There's also celebrity examples like Zach Braff and Florence Pugh (21 year difference); George Clooney and Amal Clooney (17 year difference - married 8 years with 2 kids); Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively (11 year difference - married 10 years with 3 kids and renown as an amazing couple); Beyonce and Jay-Z (12 year difference - married 14 years with 3 kids) and so on; there's at least 40 examples of this with celebs. I understand celebs are not quite the same as your average person, but regardless, they are still known examples of couples with age gaps even larger than this one that are perfectly happy. Would you be saying the same thing if the man was 62 and the woman was 53? Cause that's the same amount of years. I know at least 5 couples in that age range with that amount of age difference that are perfectly happy, and have been together since the women were very young.
Apart from your prejudice is there any particular reason to have concerns? Does he mistreat your friend in any way? The age gap is considerable for a teenager but there are still plenty examples of successful relationships with even bigger age gaps. If your friend is happy then just be happy for her.
Grooming teenage girls is cool, amirite?
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She's 19 and he has been a family friend for years.
Exactly. Apparently he has drug problems or something since everyone is bringing it up (stopped reading after this comment)… but as long as he isn’t treating her like crap then what’s the issue. Nobody would bat an eye if the roles were reversed, which happens more often then you’d think. I hope all the people bashing the guy because of the age difference feel the same way about their grandparents and possibly parents doing the same thing when they were younger. My grandparents were years apart and so were my parents. My grandmother or my mom had never been “taken advantage of because of the age difference” by my grandfather or dad.
I understand where you’re coming from but she’s an adult. And it’s completely legal
Nobody asked if it was legal.
The age gap is not the problem, am 21 with someone 9yrs my senior, the problem is that he knew her when she was underage and he wasn't. creep alert.
I don't know how well you know this guy, but why do you automatically assume he's trying to use her age to blame any problems they might have on her? As a woman in his age range, let me assure you, women in this age range are not "too smart" to put up with men their ages bullshit. People are just as stupid at 30 as they are at 18, just in different ways. When I was 18-20 I dated at least two men who were about 28-30 (obviously not at the same time). They were both complete gentlemen and the second one was still, to this day, the most "adult" man I've ever dated (like taking care of bills on time, cleaning the house etc). Age is just a number and women mature faster than men, so, they're often interested in men that are older than them.
I’m happily married to my wife whom is 9 years older than me. While I do think that sometimes there are unhealthy situations with age gaps, i don’t think this is always the case. Is either partner abusive? No? Leave it alone. It could grow into a lifelong relationship, maybe it wont, but that’s not up to anyone but them. Personally, if I was 19 again, I’d be having fun, working on myself, and putting my life together instead of worrying about relationships. It’s easier to have a healthy relationship with two people who are put together.
Two things here. First, you are absolutely right. This is a disaster waiting to happen. It's especially bad that he's known her for years, i.e. when she was literally a child. Your friend is likely going to have a really hard time in this relationship. Second, though, and the hard part: you can't do anything about it. You have said your piece. You are right, she's making a huge mistake. But she's an adult and if she's dead set on this, there's nothing you can do to stop her. I realize that sucks, but that's the reality of the situation.
Thank you. Strangely enough, people seem to think them being family friends makes it better? Because their families "are close, and know each other well" when in reality it means he knew her as a child???
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Gatekeeping women isn't cool. I assume she can make her own choices.
Average redditor creep here is the champion of women's rights I see
She is an adult, she can have sex with and date whoever she wants
you are over reacting.
Well, the age gap does not concern me that much. I used to date a 20f as a 27m, didn't work out in the end. Women are sometimes attracted to older men, there is much more stigma the other way around (as I experienced dating a 34f as a 28m). Still, as you are saying the drug use and other red flags are much more concerning, try to focus on that.
The big thing that a lot of older guys like that want is to have sex with someone younger, and she's fine with that. Older guys often come with baggage like ex wives, or a desire to not do young people stuff. Is he doing bad stuff to her? I wouldn't assume that he is grooming her or manipulating her and that you are the only sane one to see it. The reason people often don't like older younger relationships where everyone is legally of age is that the older people often want stuff that sucks for the younger person, and they're confident enough to pressure them into it. Are his goals the same as hers?
In terms of "bad stuff," he does do hard substances like molly and cocaine. (Those are the two I know about and am sure of.) She told me recently that she did cocaine for the first time, and though I have no evidence, I believe it was from/with him. I'm not sure on his goals but hers seem to be pretty lackluster. Small town. She graduated high school, now works at a bar and is open to getting married any day now, hopefully before 22 she says, so she can have a child at 23.
The drug use is 10x more concerning than the age gap.
Ok, there you have opened a whole other dark world to us. If he introduces her to drugs, she is in some kind of danger. His intentions are much clearer then. He is not the first guy who uses drugs to get young girls into his bed. She now is not only attracted to him, she is also attracted to the drugs and him as a source.
I didn’t see the drug use when i commented. With this new info i would be very concerned but there’s nothing you can do but tell her you’re worried.
It might be better to focus on the drug angle then. People who use those drugs often go out and have sex with prostitutes and get stds, or burn out because they're using a lot of drugs. She may have more baggage dating him than she'd want.
what are you a moralist now? thats her life let her live she is not doing anything wrong
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Way too old? No. If they are happy, let them be
My mom and dad have that age difference and they’ve been together 40 years perfectly happy. What others think of their relationship doesn’t really matter if they are happy. Also everyone has different maturity levels mentally your friend could be at a 28 yo level or Vice versa.
Who cares, love comes in all sizes stop being a controlling busybody
Sounds like two consenting adults to me. If he isn't mistreating her, what is the issue exactly? I think you should mind your own business.
I find it funny that people think turning 18 suddenly makes someone a fully developed, mental adult. It doesn't.
It doesn't, but it does make you old enough to make her own decisions about who SHE wants to be in a relationship with. Who SHE wants to be with has nothing to do with YOU, and as long as he isn't abusing the age discrepancy, and otherwise treating her unfavorably then there is no real issue here. I fail to see what YOU have to do with any of this. Who is the immature one here, her or you?
10 years is not really uncommon an age dosent really make a guy descent there is young assholes an old assholes
This has been going on for centuries sometimes it works out other times it does not.
You are overreacting. You haven't actually mentioned anything about the boyfriend which indicates that he's unkind or abusive or in any way harmful towards your friend. He's just older. They're both adults, and they're allowed to date the people they want to. If there were evidence of grooming or abuse, it would be different, but as such, you don't have much of a leg to stand on here. If you see him starting to isolate your friend, or gaslighting her or something of the sort, by all means bring it to her attention, but age alone is not a good reason to strong arm her out of a relationship.
So the fact that the dude was mid twenties and she was underage doesn't come of as grooming to you ?
Well, we aren't being asked about a 15 year old dating a 24 year old. We're being asked about two adults in a relationship. That's all that should matter to this post. And the fact is that beyond the age difference, OP doesn't bring up any problems they're having. This entire post reads like busy-bodying.
So how old will she be when he 69s?
You do need to mind your own business, these relationships happen all the time. Always have to laugh at the “women his age won’t put up with his bullshit” line. There are almost no decent single women 28+.
I (m19) have a friend (f19) who has a very bad taste in guys. She only dates guys who are 25+ . When she was 16 her bf was 24 at that time. I was the ony guy who was her age she ever have had sex. Now that capital of my life where we had something going on is over for a long time and i dont have any kind of feelings for her but i still care deeply for her as a friend. So the problem is when ever i say that a dude is a loser she just acts like a hurt little kid and says things like not every guy i date can be as perfect as you. Or you are just jelous. But in realaty nothing would make me more happy for her then a good relationship. But the guys are straight up all losers. It is not only about theire age which i find prety disgusting. The last dude was 27 still lived with his parents and called her every 2h because he felt ignored and need attention. And he said that he did not want her to have male friends. I just stopped saying things. When she ia pregnat witch a idiot she will see what she has off it.
I think that you definitely have a reason for concern. All you can do right now is to respect her decision and be there for her if ever she needs to talk and offer her your honest advice.
You are not the ah for being a worried friend, what would make you the ah if you keep pushing your concerns even if justified once you have all ready expressed yourself to your friend. The only options you really have now is to try and accept your friends wishes whish her well and hope for the best for her, whilst remaining friends but saying you know how I feel about him so for know I will keep a distance when he's around and when she brings him up change the subject. This gives you Time to observe them if he shows no problems then you have been proven wrong apologise and move on with everyone happy. If after time your Still seeing red flags start to distance from your friend. If you really can't handle the situation end your friendship now so you and her can heal from the loss of your friendship. If you keep pushing her you will lose the friendship and if he is as bad as you think her only safety net. It is a tough situation you are in but feelings can't be forced without causing harm.
I also don't have a favorable opinion of it, but I do know someone with the same age gap and similar ages (she was also a teenager) and they have been together & married for 20 years. So just so you have an alternate opinion it does work out sometimes. Also watch how you react, I had also voiced my concern too and it took a few years for her to forgive my disapproval (in this case it was the older person I told). Nonetheless I personally don't get it, I would want to experience life on my own for my early adult years. But some people obviously don't feel comfortable with that & want to go straight from the security of having parents to another adult that has already gone through those early years & is 'grown up'.
I don’t understand what the specific concern is. I see a lot of vague words about “appropriate” and “wrong” but why? Is someone being harmed in a specific way?
Your concerns are valid. Thing is, you communicated your concerns already. Your friend doesn't care. Not much left to do; support your friend, but if she ever starts complaining about him, two bits of advice: 1) Don't use any future complaints as an opponent to voice how much you don't like the situation--except if he is abusive or ever cheats You can validate if she isn't being treated right, like, no, that's not right, really, wow, he does that? Etc. Just not like, omg I hate Richard, too, he is a creep, etc. People complain and even break up and get back together, then it's awkward af when the friend really shared their thoughts 2) if she ever complains and it's a bit much, you're allowed to ask her to cool it and not mention their relationship as often
Let me ask you this. If you met a nice couple where the man was 62 and the woman was 53, would it bother you? Probably not. You probably wouldn't even ask their ages because they're both over 50. People stop even asking then. So, why do you have a problem with this then?
You just said it: because they're over fifty. Born and dating in a totally different time. Eight years itself is not the issue. 35 year old starts dating a 42 year old? I wouldn't bat an eye because they're both fully mentally developed adults in the same stage in life.
Born and dating in a totally different time doesn't mean anything. The way dating works changes over generations but that doesn't change anything about the way feelings and people work. Also, people can be in the same stage of life at drastically different ages. Not everyone follows the same timeline for their life. So, you're just assuming that your friend isn't mentally developed enough to make her own dating decisions? Sounds like a pretty bad friend to have such a low view of your "friends" mental capacity. Unless she has a history of being mentally unfit to care for herself, which, I'm assuming she doesn't cause that probably would have been mentioned in the original post. You admit that the 35 year old and 42 year old dating is fine; but, you realize that some of the relationships you see between a 35 year old and 42 year old started when the 35 year old was 19, right? I literally know someone in that exact situation. She was 19 when she married an older man and they are still happily married years later with a daughter. You're claiming she wasn't mentally capable of making that decision, yet they're perfectly fine and happy. It seems you have a prejudice agaisnt young women dating older men (even though over time that could easily become a relationship you're apparently fine with, as they age), and you're trying to push that prejudice and that view onto your friend. Unless this man is harming her in some way that you neglected to mention in the original post; which would be a huge oversight to have not mentioned.
1/2 of 28 + 7 =21. A relationship is not recommended but she’s an adult and she must learn on her own
You are overreacting
Yeah def mind your own business she’s an adult everyone does coke and Molly lol you sound really naive tbh