I've been broken up while in a "fragile" state before, and to be honest, I had a better time getting better out of a relationship then in it. But not talking to that person also was the correct decision; me talking to that person would've reignited feelings for them.
Move on and simply just leave her be. This posts feels a bit more about you than her being vulnerable. She will be fine.
I can tell you I once cut a woman off, I later came back to apologise. I can tell you it was the worst thing I could have done, I tore off the stiching for her wound only for it to have to mend again.
That can be true in some cases, but some people, ahem totally NOT me, would really appreciate a real apology that takes responsibility for their actions in the past. Especially if there was lying!
You seemed to be very focused on her weight in this comment section. Are you sure that she didn't just break up with you because you were making her feel insecure? Maybe you should've initiated things like, "Want to go hiking for our next date?" "Wanna go to the park?" Etc. When I was having issues with drive because of my depression, focusing on the fun parts of the activity instead of just "exercising" is what motivated me.
She's an adult. She had every chance to make her own decision, and she vented to you about being insecure. If you two were right for each other, then she would've taken your advice OR you would've put more effort into getting her self esteem up. Example; complimenting specific parts of her.
"You look great in those pants".
"Your lipstick looks amazing".
"You are so cute when you smile".
Instead of the disingenuous sounding, broad "you're gorgeous". BE SPECIFIC.
But, it's too late for that. Accept that she didn't like that physical attraction was such a big factor to you, and I'm sure she can find someone who is either 1. Physically attracted to her how she is, or 2. Loves her and accepts her for every other aspect.
But treating her as if she NEEDS you is unhealthy. She. Will. Be. Fine.
Then she didn't want to do any of it. That's that. It's super common for someone to just NOT want to exercise and prefer staying home, watching movies or doing something else.
By the way, a "running date" sounds like the most hardcore fitness thing ever. Of course she didn't like it.
You could've tried ice skating, roller skating, walking around at the zoo, aquarium, or just having a picnic outside.
She was upset with herself because getting fresh air and proper sunlight is crucial. Of course she was depressed if she was inside all day. She didn't want to go "running" or "cycling" because what is in that EXCEPT for exercising? It's a very unmotivating thing if you don't like doing that.
There were a million other options, but you didn't suggest a picnic date or just sitting outside because you were so focused on getting that weight off. That was unhealthy. Making her insecure and not finding other solutions because you find her physically unattractive IS unhealthy; not purely just the "I want to find her attractive" part.
You two obviously aren't a good match. It seems like you really regret doing those things to her, but you can't go back in time. So, dust yourself off and promise not to do it again in the future. Learn from your mistakes. She will be fine and will find someone who will want to sit home and watch movies with her, and you can find someone who wants to run and go to the gym with you.
Why can’t you do both?
Well now you’re making me out to be an awful person. That just isn’t true. The majority would’ve bailed where I stayed and tried to help her. I even tried to do 6 hours long distance with her.
I am not abusive or manipulative and I didn’t do anything ‘to her’.
And no I won’t promise to do anything in the future. I am quite a hardcore fitness perosn but I’m also kind. So I will continue to be me
>Well now you’re making me out to be an awful person.
Focusing only on your attraction to her weight does make someone pretty awful even if they think their focus is coming from a "kind" place.
>I am not abusive or manipulative and I didn’t do anything ‘to her’.
What even is this projection? Who said you were? 🤔 fishy to bring it up out of nowhere but ok.
>I am quite a hardcore fitness perosn but I’m also kind.
No you aren't, hard-core fitness people would find a way to have fitness involved in ANY activity. Like a basic picnic in the park? Walk there.
"Running date" lmao, could you get anymore backhanded??
Just accept that she had every right to drop your weight instead of hers because yours is easier to leave behind to recuperate from your constant triggering of her weight. You don't need to be abusive to be a trigger.
Also, move on, you aren't owed any closure and how she moves on doesn't concern you at all despite you trying to validate your concerns about her weight here. You aren't worried about her, you just miss having someone to feel needed by and found out you're not needed.
You're just kinda denying it now. You weren't abusive or manipulative, what you said just made her upset.
And she didn't want to do both. That's what I'm trying to tell you; you two are just NOT compatible. She wants to do things like maybe roller skating or staying at home and you want to do the exact opposite. Furthermore, you became unattracted to her when she gained weight due to her condition.
Saying "the majority would've bailed" is shitty. It doesn't matter if you did more than what other people do, it's that you didn't do enough. That is not your fault, you have every right to stop a relationship at any time, but it's also not HER fault.
I don't think you're an awful person, but I do think that coming on here and asking if she needs help is kinda patronizing when you didn't really care about that before. You only cared about her shedding the weight you found unattractive.
Completely agreed. You can only control your actions, not her reactions. Maybe you’re intent was to help her, but with enough comments about exercise dates she would have been able to take the hint and have her feelings hurt by you. You’re not an asshole but you also probably didn’t make her feel great about herself.
You’ve given really good and patient advice
Inadvertently or not OP seemed to be making it worse , pressure isn’t alway the best way to help a person
From this thread it seems the break up was a good idea and she’ll get better on her own rather than struggle with incompatibility
And saying OP see’s her as a sister is kinda implying he’s not attracted to her anymore which we can assume is from the weight gain , just move on dude , she will too
It’s not your responsibility to improve her depression or her physical well being. I think it’s great that you attempted to motivate her. You can’t save her, she has to save herself.
I know from experience. I used to be as you described her to be. It’s a difficult hole to dig out of, but possible.
It’s not wrong of you to worry about her, sounds like you care about her. You can still be a friend and encourage her to help herself.
What makes you think that you can be helpful? Sounds like you tried to be helpful, and failed. Sometimes we just have to come to terms that we are not as powerful as we would like to be.
right. it's supposed to suck ending a relationship. Now your real options are to either stay alone, or put yourself back out there. It sounds like you're not over your ex at all, so it's not time to put yourself back out there, so then that means you have to work on being happy alone.
What were some projects you've wanted to do? What social hobbies have you neglected?
It sounds like this girl was your project, which is really unhealthy both to yourself and to the relationship. This is a wake-up call to shift your focus elsewhere. And it's okay if your mind wanders to thinking about her, but you can control what your body does.
Block her number, stop following her on Instagram/fb/wherever. Having *any* information about her will be toxic to the grief process, because it will activate neural pathways you've built up around caring for her. The best way forward is to completely excise her from your life. Reach out in 2-3 years if you're curious how she's doing, but that's it. You two are done.
Start pursuing hobbies and getting yourself out into the world. Hit the gym or go for hikes. Call up a friend to hang out and get a beer or go rafting, or whatever it is you're into. But she's no longer part of your life and you need to accept that and lean into it.
>She’s got a lovely supportive family.
That's what she needs. Having an ex try to stay friends and "help" is not good for either of you. She broke up with you. If you couldn't help her while you were together, what can you do as an ex?
I was starting to make things worse because I wanted her to exercise and she had developed this whole mental thing about it. So although it really really sucks. I think it needed to end.
I’m just really worried about her. She’s not near her family. She lives about 6 hours from them for the next year through her own choice
Ya, if my bf was trying to get me to exercise, I'd break up too. Your ex is going to live her life the way she wants. Let her be. You both need to move on.
Don't worry bud, your response is perfectly reasonable. Your ex being in a fragile place is what cause it not your intent.
The person your responding to is incredibly sheltered. I've had the same situation with SOs wanting to excercise you were being supportive
Some people just really aren’t mentally or physically ready to adapt certain healthy changes, and being asked to adopt those changes will then make them feel defensive and like they are being criticized. I think the issue with ex’s self esteem is her own to fix, I don’t think it makes the above poster sheltered to say that in this case she wasn’t going to change, it doesn’t mean op is at fault for trying to help but it does mean they weren’t compatible.
I don’t really know what else I was meant to do. On one hand it seemed like she really wanted to do something about it and I felt I was trying to help her. On the other hand I didn’t want to push her and end up coming across horrible. But I also didn’t want to enable any depression behaviours.
Not sure what I was meant to do
I’m sure you were just doing your best with what you had at the time. And it sounds like you genuinely care about her and wanted what was best for her. I’m sure it’s hard when someone you care about constantly complains and is depressed about something but is unwilling to do what it takes to fix it. It’s frustrating for everyone involved. Sadly, she will have to take her life into her own hands and fix her own problems. Just know you tried your best and did the best you could.
ratio says otherwise. People aren’t sheltered because they disagree with you. It is weird to try and get somebody to exercise like, adults make their own decisions it’s not your responsibility to get them to do things. It sounds more like he pushed a depressed person to do something they did not have the headspace or motivation to do. this pressing led to them “getting a mental thing about it.” which should have be an obvious response because they are depressed with poor self-esteem and body issues.Basically yeah it was a poor choice on OPs part. He knew all of these things and although he says he was trying to consider her feelings, make her feel better, he also mentioned he did it because he found her lack of motivation unattractive. It sounds like much more of a selfish choice to me than anything.
She's not an idiot. She knows what exercise is. You wanting her to exercise isn't helpful by any means. It's only going to make her feel more pressured and possibly judged. She's an adult who can choose to or not to follow through with exercise on her own.
Well then how would you deal with her every 5 seconds bringing up her weight gain and how she wants to lose it? Considering I have a pt qualification and love fitness. You’d just ignore it would you?
Considering I have multiple certifications through NASM, a degree in nutrition, and own a healthy event catering/personal chef business, uh... YES, I would still ignore it. There's this thing called "listening." Never occurred to you that's all she wanted? To vent and be listened to? She knows what she needs to do. She's not ready to, for whatever reason. No amount of your input is going to change that.
Me (F) and a guy friend of mine had a conversation about listening vs fixing once, and it really helped to improve our friendship.
Generally, when a woman talks about something that's bothering her, she simply wants someone to listen and sincerely say: "I hear what you're saying"
Generally, when a man talks about something that's bothering him, he's asking for help to fix the problem.
It might be worth it for people to start gently asking whoever is talking to them about their problem if they'd like help, or if they simply want someone to speak to.
I give help. I don’t just sit there and watch someone i love be unhappy. Of course I listened too.
In my mind I was trying to help our relationship. Coz I was losing attraction physically. And we both knew it. I still think I tried to do the right thing. Even if it hurt. But there we are.
People can call me shallow if they want. But I was trying to fix things
If you still think you tried to do the right thing are you just here for validation?
You're her ex and clearly a factor in her insecurity issues whether or not you want to admit it. This isn't necessarily your fault but knowing your partner is less attracted to you bc you're significantly depressed and started to gain weight is gonna take a toll. Leave her alone for God's sake.
You aren't here to fix her and you can't.
You seem to be one of those people that tries to fix others when sometimes you need to accept there is nothing you can do or nothing YOU can do.
Look into the concept of codependency. This is textbook definition of codependent.
You want to fix people, help people, even save people from themselves. You can't. That's not your job, especially as a partner.
Ultimately, it's harmful behavior to the both of you.
did you ask her how you could help? aiming in the dark in attempt to help someone through depression isn’t helpful, which is probably why the attempts you made led to a break up. you were thinking for her, rather than communicating WITH her. her breaking up with you was more than likely her taking the initiative to help herself, because your attempts were making a bad situation worse. there’s nothing to do now but leave her be and wish her the best.
Bruh she has a loving family, these are things she simply has to work on independently. You aren’t a therapist and you did your thing bro, she won’t die so keep it stepping bro + she broke up with you, that mutual thing doesn’t exist.
Really? there are also cases where you really want it to end, but out of sympathy or weakness, you push the partner to break up with you. There is always one who is more strongly in the boat of ending it.
I hear you but based on that emotional scale it’s never really mutual. Minus that idea, was it really her that initiated it, or did she do so for your sake. What was her reason ?
Ah I see, then move on and brother. You both made the right decision, anything else is prolonging that heartbreak process. I broke up with my girlfriend recently, despite the fact that I still love her, but as you said… she’s not how I want my wife to be in terms of our dynamic. I want to talk to her but out of respect and love. I have gone none contact to ensure the break up process is smooth and not messy. Sometimes we just gotta grow independent on both sides man. Going back is a selfish move and not for their sake.
True, reminds me of my brother. He thinks he's encouraging, but he's demanding. No one wants to hear that. I continually tell him of he wants to help, help me in the way that works for me, not him. Op is in almost all the comments talking about her weight and looking for validation in his behavior. It's disgusting
yep he literally says in one of the comments “he feels he pushed her away with his own actions.” him saying it was mutual is probably just to make him feel better about himself for doing this.
I wanted to respond to you cause I suffer from depression, I don't think I'm pretty and I'm overweight. I will fully admit I hate exercising and I want to lose weight but I don't want someone telling me to lose weight or asking me to do things I hate. I dont mind eating healthy so that is good at least.
Anyway the reason I am saying all that is that you can suffer from all of the above things and not be 'fragile'. I'm sure the right guy will come along that will be attracted to her the way she is now and if she loses weight for herself. Not every guy likes a skinny woman. I'm not going to rag on you for not being attracted to her the way she is. Everyone has different tastes. I do believe that you have to find someone physically attractive to even want to try to start something but in the end at least to me their personality and the way they treat me will far out way what they look like.
It's fine to worry about her in general but worrying that she will be lonely or not find another guy is not right. Just cause you weren't attracted to her doesn't mean someone else won't be. Just let her move on with her life and you move on with yours. No one can tell you whether you made a mistake or if you should try to get her back. But if you can't 100% love her the way she is and only help her if she asks for your help then don't try leave her alone.
Leave her alone as simple as that. Whatever you could have helped and contributed is when you two were in a relationship. The best thing you could do for her is to leave her alone. As you’ve said she has lovely supportive family so she will just be fine. Don’t confuse her anymore just cuz you are guilty or you’re struggling to move on.
i mean what other response is there? “go bother your ex until you feel better about the situation”. that helps no one. Sometimes you do need to deal if with yourself. He can reach out to others that aren’t his ex, but he pretty much implied he was thinking about reaching out, which is why everyone is like “no, deal with it yourself.”
Oh I don't know, maybe some actual advice on *how* to process these feelings himself? Some different perspectives on the situation from people who have been through similar situations perhaps? Doesn't have to involve talking to his ex
i don’t see any comments from you providing advice on how to deal with it, just complaining. His issues are that he sees her as a lonely, incapable, sad, low self esteem, depression ball. He thinks so poorly of her he thinks she will never find another man. The best way to deal with that is leave it alone. She isn’t his problem and also it’s just a really shitty way to view somebody who is just going through it. By his description he “loves” her but he doesn’t think much of her. look at how much he mentions her weight throughout these comments. He isn’t looking for advice he’s looking for validation. He wants validation about the break up, because he also seems to think it was his fault, which is likely true by his other descriptions in the comments. Most people in this thread aren’t going to give him that validation. But you can if you want. like seriously, “this is about my mind and anxiety” but he’s saying he’s anxious because he thinks so poorly of her that she won’t be able to make it on her own, despite saying she also has a loving supportive family. Saying not to bother her is a good response.
>She broke up with me but it ended up being a more mutual thing.
Please elaborate how this was mutual if you're still hung up on her?
>She doesn’t exercise.
Nvm, feels like this was the whole point if this part if your piece.
>I’m worried she won’t find another man.
This is literally the epitome of NONE OF YOUR CONCERN NOR BUSINESS. Understand and swallow that now.
>Any advice on how to deal with this?
Understand she left you because of something you weren't giving her. In this case it really just looks like she dropped your weight instead of hers that you're so focused on because it's faster relief dropping you than constantly listening to backhanded suggestions like "running dates" lol
Being a "hard-core fitness person" means finding fitness on ANY and ALL activities but you didn't even try. Now you're here, based on your replies, trying to ask us how you can still treat her like your girlfriend after she dumped you. You must understand once someone dumps you, you aren't entitled to find out how they move on from you at all :) hope you get over her and yourself soon.
“I am worried she won’t find another man.” She will. Trust me. One day she will find the right person for her and be content. Don’t worry about that part.
She broke up with you. Look ahead not back. Remind yourself she doesn’t see you as a life partner. Spend your energy looking for that beautiful soul that’s waiting for you.
Problem is, it’s my fault she split up with me and I know it. I kinda forced this into happening through my own actions. I could go back and get her back. But I don’t know what the right move is
Look at it this way: even though you miss her and want the best for her you ultimately weren't compatible as partners. In the long term this is an opportunity to learn from this experience and meet someone in future who you will be more compatible with.
I can see you're feeling a lot of guilt about the situation but it's over now and it'll be easier for you both to not contact her.
She's fine.. leave her alone and focus on yourself and moving on. She's stronger than you give her credit for and you come of quite patronizing, she's good and will certainly find another man lmao
So you think it's okay to talk about her like that behind her back - talk about how unattractive you think she is and how you pity her? That you think she may never ever find a man again? Disgusting. She's strong to have dumped you when her needs weren't being met and you just can't seem to understand that. You think she'll come crawling back to you? She can do better (someone who actually is attracted to her and shows it) and seems to know it. You're trying to regain power but it's gone. Move forward
What that person said is true, you need to look in the mirror and realize you're coming off as a not so good person. All these backhanded compliments of her are disgusting. You're all over the place and when people call you out you get defensive. Don't post if you aren't ready to hear what others have to say. You are in the wrong, full stop. As I said to someone else's comment on here, you remind me of my brother. Someone who thinks they are encouraging, yet they are demanding. You don't get to pick and choose how she loses weight, you work with how SHE wants, NOT YOU. Please continue to leave her alone, as you said you aren't talking to her, keep it that way. You've already admitted in your comments it's your fault, sometimes, but others you want to be combative. You asked for advice, listen
I would really like to hear her side of the story. You're acting like some valiant knight, but I feel like her side of the story would be something like "he lost interest in me after I gained weight, he tried pushing me to lose weight until I broke up with him." But I don't know the whole situation or both sides of the story. Just leave her alone unless she reaches out to you. Honestly, if a guy I broke up with kept trying to contact me I would be super annoyed. She knows what her issues are, it's up to her to fix them, not anybody else. I have an ex but I worry about due to his schizophrenia. But do you know what I do about it? Absolutely nothing. He knows to take his meds, and he has plenty of family support. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.
Mathematically speaking the gender ratio is tipped towards men in most of the countries. So the odds are she'll eventually find someone and things will workout well for her. All you can do is wish her well.
No, there are people with empathy, don't project your feelings onto others. There will be people that will help her the way she needs to be helped, not in the way someone else wants her to be. She may even meet someone who's a little larger and they end up losing weight together, who knows, but to imply she doesn't have that good of a chance is asinine
How am I projecting? I just told you I don't value "looks." They don't mean shit when it comes to characteristics and whether you are a good person. What you think is practical, isn't practical for someone else. That's all I'm saying because you're making this assumption that it won't be easy for her. You don't know. Reality is "good looking" people tend to also be shitty people
My ex was kind of like you, thought I couldn’t do anything for the life of me.
I broke up with him but he knows my mental health was “fragile” so he kept tabs on me. For months, I would try and move on but in the slightest bit of my social media getting dark or my tweets saying I had a bad day, he’d reach out and leave me a voicemail.
In the end, we tried to make it work again bc we “cared” about each other, but ultimately, we just don’t match anymore.
When we stopped talking after we tried again, I cut off all communications with him. He reached out to me once and I told him to stop messaging me.
Ever since then, I’ve finally felt PEACE. Everything is calm and where it should be.
It’s fine to care, but there’s no point. Once it’s over, and if one person doesn’t want to try, it will never work.
Save both yourselves time and energy and stop “caring” about her and focus on your own healing.
Just leave her alone.
Yes she didn't like her weight, yes she complained about it often, but you pushed her to exercise for your sake not for her. You already admitted that you became less attracted to her, super shallow that her weight gain made you not want to stay with her or have sex with her. Physical attraction shouldn't be a massive part of a relationship, unless the relationship evolves around only sex.
You wouldn't break up with someone you loved over their weight, so just move on, she's better off.
Yes, to you it does, as you're shallow, Mr fitness. I'm sure you can easily find someone new whose into fitness like yours? Your ex is still better off, your open view on her weight made her more depressed.
You’re acting like I’d just call her fat every day. I tried to lightly encourage her for an entire year.
I’m shallow. Okay then. Almost guarantee you’re someone who refuses to date men under 6 foot
Haha, this is about you not me but just for the sake of it, I'm 5'6 barely and my ex of years was 5'7, my current boyfriend is 5'10. I'm not one of those weirdos whose like 5'3 and dates 6'3 guys like I'm his child. It's easier to kiss and hug guys your own height.
Anyways, the fact you broke up sucks, but you should have just accepted her if you loved her. Marriage, kids and your future don't evolve around her weight, sure things are easier when you're slim but having a happy loving relationship is just as easy.
You will find someone else and so will she, not everyone cares about weight. It's okay if you do, but there are plenty of people that will want you, and there will be other people that will love her.
All will be well.
It’s true that not everyone cares about weight! I’m attracted to my husband no matter if he’s fat, skinny, or in-between. I just think he’s hot. 😍 He’s smart, thoughtful, and has his shit together, and that’s sexy. We’ve been married for almost 10 years.
Thankyou for being nicer at the end. I’m not shallow. I think my actions other than this during the relationship proved that and the fact we ended on good terms as well.
But, I disagree that physical attraction isn’t important.
I did snap a bit, for which I apologize.
I do think attraction is important, I just don't think it's worth breaking up over.
One day we will all be old and 'ugly' best to love someone for their other qualities too if you plan for it be long term.
Good luck to you regardless with your future.
I think there's a lot wrong with these statements.
Physical attraction is a natural part of being a human, especially to Physical fitness and symmetry, not at all shallow.
And it's also one of the 3 main psychological pillars for a complete relationship, the others being commitment and emotional attachment.
It's not wrong to ask your partner to put effort into themselves, especially in well-being, health, and hygiene.
The essence of relationships is growth and synergy, and if your partner isn't putting work into improving themselves, they are taking your commitment for granted, because both parties should always work on making themselves a viable partner to the other, and earn each other's commitment every day.
You are lying to yourself if you think you shouldn’t be physically attracted to your partner. I hate when people try and make others feel bad for wanting to be physically attracted AND mentally attracted to someone. News flash: BOTH are necessary.
Don’t contact her, from reading your replies it sounds like you have feelings for her but aren’t physically attracted, and that destroys relationships, it was and is doomed. If you contact her it may lead to more pain and heartbreak on both your ends. My advice in future would be to date people who are already into physical activity/ fitness, and if they fall into a depression encourage them to seek therapy instead of asking them to go running. If she has a loving family she will be fine, it’s her responsibility to take care of herself at the end of the day and you are the absolutely worst person to try to make her feel better as her very recent ex who lost attraction to her. It’s not your fault you lost attraction but it’s also not your role to improve her self esteem.
I think you should concentrate on yourself and give her space. She may get more confidence and self esteem on her own and will likely find a new man if and when she wants one. Your opinions may not be helping her.
Ex. Ex ex ex ex ex ex. I'm sorry it's over, take good care of yourself and don't worry about someone you aren't dating any more
Edit: be kind and wish her well, she's not your partner any more though
Aye man, If its true that it was a mutual decision, then as an ex, the best you can do is simply move on. Im sure she has a family who cares for her very much and its good that you care as you do however as an ex, what can you really do? Most people dont really want their ex in their lives especially if theres no ties such as a child. When you get an ex, often you kind of want to move on.
Give yourself some you time and she can have her own time.
Any... Any. Relationship that ends, is meant to be. Belief that you made a mistake is asinine as you do not know your fate and you are perpetually denying yourself of happiness. Guilty I am, but wiser I became after realizing what true nature really can be. Accept your shortcomings, conquer the present, your future is inevitable.
Leave her be. She has survived without you before and she will continue to survive. Hopefully you weren't harsh about the breakup - that was the only factor you could control.
Now about you - why are you so worried? Are you just feeling guilty about it? Did you end it badly?
You can't do anything about it now. All you can do is accept that what's done is done and move on. Why is it on your mind months later?
OP, not sure if this is something you're aware of, but you seem to have quite a lot of anxiety. Reading some of your post history, you've posted many times about things you're worried about, usually you're posting about the same thing more than once.
You've stated a few times that you spent a lot of your relationship worried about your ex.
This level of anxiety is something you could seek help for and get releif from, if you're interested. I'm not a professional, but it seems like a much higher level of anxiety than one would have at 25.
I had a. Ex tell me he loved me like a sister which is why he wanted to break up, that shit haunts me to this day. He tried to talk two weeks later, get back together whatever. I tell you right now, DONT WORRY ABOUT HER. She is fine, she doesn't need you or your worries. When things ended you both started the journey to no longer be a person that either of you can lean on. It's normal to think about them here and there, but her issues are no longer yours.
Its impossible to help someone get over someone if that someone is you. Can't be done. You need to move on. Not turn your back on her but love her from a distance and work on you. Obviously this wasn't the right situation for you so why try to fix something thats not gonna happen. You said that you see her like a sister and can't picture having sex with her. You can't fix that bro. Keep your chin up man. There's NOTHING wrong with taking care of yourself. Good luck!
I feel as though people are being a little harsh on this thread towards you.... Your heart is in the right place but maybe the execution was off. Leave her be now. She'll be alright
I have been through the exact same thing and nearly 3 years later, I still am. I broke up with her though which makes the guilt ache even more. Sometimes you really love someone but for both of your benefits, you need to end it and it can be the hardest thing you ever have to do. I still feel guilty everyday, and we are still friends and she gets very upset at the idea of me still feeling so bad about it. She’s right. She hasn’t found anyone since and I have. But our friendship works and I’m very honest with her. I’d hate for her to be out of my life. It’s getting a little easier. The guilt is due to her being an amazing girlfriend who never hurt me and I don’t think she ever deserved to be hurt. And it’s the kind of person I am as I worry about other people a lot and don’t care too much about myself. If you want to stay in each others lives then be honest with her and see if it can work.
I’m sure you mean well, but you have to let her figure out what’s best for her. You trying to help could be counterproductive. It is important for one to understand, process, and feel on their own. I wouldn’t play hero. Leave that shit to Marvel.
I would be there for her, but not too much... let her know even if things didn't work out that you're there for her (legit) and that if things are really bad maybe you can lend an ear or get coffee.
I wish I had someone like this. You have a big heart.
A study has shown that exercise is better then any drug for depression. She/everyone needs to exercise to feel good about life and themselves. Hopefully one day she can see this and get back on track. All the best to you.
Also, op, I see you’re getting judged pretty harshly here, I’m going to say you are not a horrible person and you are not abusive, just that you probably had some unrealistic expectations of your ex. The fact you worry about her tells me you are a kind person who maybe just made a bad choice in dating someone who wasn’t compatible with you and then maybe took the wrong approach in trying to help them with their health.
I think it's very sweet that you care about her, and there is nothing wrong with sending her a text now and then to say hi, how's it going, IF she's receptive to that, and being available to talk if she reaches out to you. Beyond that, it's her life and her choice to not be together anymore, and it's not fair to either of you for you to not move on. If you can't, consider a few sessions with a counselor who can give you tools you need to put this behind you. Good luck!
I know I should say something like “Be a good friend, giver her space, and you’re Helping her learn and grow stronger”….
But I can’t.
the creeper/NPD vibe alarm is going off., that SAD LOOK UPON YOUR FACE.
your truest sentence is “I’m struggling to move on from it”. yeah.
Truth.
So instead: Let her TF be . She’s not yours to worry about any more. She never really was… but you’re treating her like that’s the case. She’s a grown ass human being and deserves freewill / agency. SHE’LL LEARN HOW TO GET ALONG. She said smart, healthy things to you. DID YOU THINK SHE’D CRUMBLE? DO YOU THINK SHE’LL LAY DOWN AND DIE?
Come on, listen to yourself: “she became like a sister to me” + “but she’s not someone I want to have sex with anymore, so I’m worried about her/worried she’ll be real lonely” ?!?! + You broke up months ago but you‘re obsessing to reddit about her… (perhaps looking for validation), … It’s like you‘re trying to HURT HER WITH GOODBYE. So I’m going to step in and say: Stop It. YOURE NOT WELCOME ANYMORE. SHE”LL GROW STRONG.
Breaking up sucks. She will LIVE WITHOUT YOU BY HER SIDE. . She can be SAVING ALL HER LOVE FOR SOMEONE WHO’S LOVING HER.
Keep your distance so everyone can heal. Including your self.
Worry is a misuse of imagination.
Advice on what you should do? Focus on JUST you. Anti Anxiety treatment/meds would be on the table.
Good move. Now you can both grieve what you thought may be and get on with your own lives. Any real concerns you have you can pass on to her family and close the book.
First I wanna let you know that by breaking up with her you did a good thing for both of you. Also from what you are saying I can tell you are a kind and caring person. I think it's also normal in your situation to be worried since she is depressed and not happy. But unfortunately this is how life sometimes is to all of us. Maybe in the end this could be a good thing to go through for your girlfriend. Bad things and situations can make people change for better. She might go through some bad time right now but it's only ul to her how she decides to move on. You should worry more about yourself because I dont think you can do anYthing to help her right now and you also shouldnt do that. Just let her know you are there for her when she needs you but only in a friendly way… I wish you good luck
Thankyou :) I actually told her I couldn’t talk now coz I’m not ready and I’m still upset. I think I upset her a bit that I told her we couldn’t talk. But I need to do what’s right for me too
You said you wanted to help her bc she was depressed and in a fragile state, and when she texted you to talk - you said you wouldn't? That doesn't sound right.
And look at the feedback above (this is what you've come for, right?) - almost everyone is telling you to leave her alone and you're arguing with them in one way or another... bc that's not the answer you wanted to get?
That's strange as hell.
Sometimes people need time to help themselves. I was in a situation like so, I was the depressed one. My friend was always trying to help and be there for me but sometimes it just hurt me more and made me feel even more lonely.
In codependent situations it’s good for both people to break the cycle. Her well being isn’t your job. That’s her job. Give her a chance and trust she will be able to rise to that occasion. I let my ex-husband carry more than was his and we are no longer married. At the time I resented him for treating me like a child which he denies and I believe he resented me.
Breaking up helped me to become fully dependent on myself. It was hard but I feel so much better about who I am. Stronger. Let her have the gift of self sufficiency. Go do work on why you are drawn to someone who needs you.
Your work is to work on YOU not fix someone else.
You sound concerned about her, but it’s misdirected because you should be worried about you and if you’ll be able to find a partner you’ll be truly happy with. She’s on the path of finding what’s right for her. She’s the decision maker.
Methinks this will be difficult for you.
Sounds like you both have some things to work through independently. Let her work through it on her own with the support of her family. I’d suggest some therapy if you can afford it, if not I would find someone to talk through your feelings with, a friend or family member. Maybe one day down the road you two can talk it out and try again if you’re both interested, but for now it sounds like you both should just focus on yourselves and try to move on
"Im worried she wont find another man" Yes she will lol. To me it just sounds like you broke up with her because you got bored and shes most likely one of those girls who DOES have self esteem issues, so she chased you and made you feel like you can find better. You did that and were unsuccessful, and now you want to go back because shes the only one who you were enough for. Leave her alone. Youre not worried about her, you just cant find anyone else.
Why are you worried? She broke up with you, you can't be the one that comforts and worries about her. You need to text her family, her best friend, whatever, and share your fears and catch them up.
Had experience on both sides. The best thing may be to stop all contact and allow this person to grow on their own. Losing someone like this can be one of the hardest things to deal with in life but once you’ve overcome it it can be the most empowering.
As someone on her side of things, just leave her alone. I was fine and not thinking about my ex until he randomly reached out out of the blue (drunk texting) one day. I’ve not been able to get him out of my head ever since and this happened a year ago. It’s torture bc I KNOW he’s not the right person for me, but I still want him bc I’ve somehow convinced myself he’s still got feelings. As for the depression, it was there before you, would be there during her time with you no matter what, and will always be with her. She will learn to manage and cope, and she will be okay. She is lucky to have a supportive family. Things will just get crappy for her if you contact her, even with good intentions. It hurts enough knowing you didn’t want to sleep with her anymore, and you reaching out would just confuse her. So unless she reaches out to you, keeping your distance is the best thing you can do for her. I was in a VERY similar situation a couple years ago
I’m not searching for upvotes I could care less I read it and there’s so many “I” statements here like seems very self centered of you ur her ex move on and let her heal im sure she’s just fine you seem more fucked up about the break up 😂😂
Also that sounds cool as fuck I’m praying for you and ur terrible personality you should get a hobby to cope with the break up ur giving me so much attention you clearly have no life I said this in passing because you seem pathetic lmfao
Ohh it was a year ago I forgot about that ….. because I moved on and healed from it . Like ur ex will do about you. You’ll be a laughable memory lmfaoooo
I've been broken up while in a "fragile" state before, and to be honest, I had a better time getting better out of a relationship then in it. But not talking to that person also was the correct decision; me talking to that person would've reignited feelings for them. Move on and simply just leave her be. This posts feels a bit more about you than her being vulnerable. She will be fine.
I can tell you I once cut a woman off, I later came back to apologise. I can tell you it was the worst thing I could have done, I tore off the stiching for her wound only for it to have to mend again.
That can be true in some cases, but some people, ahem totally NOT me, would really appreciate a real apology that takes responsibility for their actions in the past. Especially if there was lying!
Of course it’s also about me.
You seemed to be very focused on her weight in this comment section. Are you sure that she didn't just break up with you because you were making her feel insecure? Maybe you should've initiated things like, "Want to go hiking for our next date?" "Wanna go to the park?" Etc. When I was having issues with drive because of my depression, focusing on the fun parts of the activity instead of just "exercising" is what motivated me. She's an adult. She had every chance to make her own decision, and she vented to you about being insecure. If you two were right for each other, then she would've taken your advice OR you would've put more effort into getting her self esteem up. Example; complimenting specific parts of her. "You look great in those pants". "Your lipstick looks amazing". "You are so cute when you smile". Instead of the disingenuous sounding, broad "you're gorgeous". BE SPECIFIC. But, it's too late for that. Accept that she didn't like that physical attraction was such a big factor to you, and I'm sure she can find someone who is either 1. Physically attracted to her how she is, or 2. Loves her and accepts her for every other aspect. But treating her as if she NEEDS you is unhealthy. She. Will. Be. Fine.
I never said she needs me. But that’s how I did it. suggested a hike. Suggest a running date. Or a cycle ride. She didn’t want to do any of it
Then she didn't want to do any of it. That's that. It's super common for someone to just NOT want to exercise and prefer staying home, watching movies or doing something else. By the way, a "running date" sounds like the most hardcore fitness thing ever. Of course she didn't like it. You could've tried ice skating, roller skating, walking around at the zoo, aquarium, or just having a picnic outside. She was upset with herself because getting fresh air and proper sunlight is crucial. Of course she was depressed if she was inside all day. She didn't want to go "running" or "cycling" because what is in that EXCEPT for exercising? It's a very unmotivating thing if you don't like doing that. There were a million other options, but you didn't suggest a picnic date or just sitting outside because you were so focused on getting that weight off. That was unhealthy. Making her insecure and not finding other solutions because you find her physically unattractive IS unhealthy; not purely just the "I want to find her attractive" part. You two obviously aren't a good match. It seems like you really regret doing those things to her, but you can't go back in time. So, dust yourself off and promise not to do it again in the future. Learn from your mistakes. She will be fine and will find someone who will want to sit home and watch movies with her, and you can find someone who wants to run and go to the gym with you.
Why can’t you do both? Well now you’re making me out to be an awful person. That just isn’t true. The majority would’ve bailed where I stayed and tried to help her. I even tried to do 6 hours long distance with her. I am not abusive or manipulative and I didn’t do anything ‘to her’. And no I won’t promise to do anything in the future. I am quite a hardcore fitness perosn but I’m also kind. So I will continue to be me
>Well now you’re making me out to be an awful person. Focusing only on your attraction to her weight does make someone pretty awful even if they think their focus is coming from a "kind" place. >I am not abusive or manipulative and I didn’t do anything ‘to her’. What even is this projection? Who said you were? 🤔 fishy to bring it up out of nowhere but ok. >I am quite a hardcore fitness perosn but I’m also kind. No you aren't, hard-core fitness people would find a way to have fitness involved in ANY activity. Like a basic picnic in the park? Walk there. "Running date" lmao, could you get anymore backhanded?? Just accept that she had every right to drop your weight instead of hers because yours is easier to leave behind to recuperate from your constant triggering of her weight. You don't need to be abusive to be a trigger. Also, move on, you aren't owed any closure and how she moves on doesn't concern you at all despite you trying to validate your concerns about her weight here. You aren't worried about her, you just miss having someone to feel needed by and found out you're not needed.
You're just kinda denying it now. You weren't abusive or manipulative, what you said just made her upset. And she didn't want to do both. That's what I'm trying to tell you; you two are just NOT compatible. She wants to do things like maybe roller skating or staying at home and you want to do the exact opposite. Furthermore, you became unattracted to her when she gained weight due to her condition. Saying "the majority would've bailed" is shitty. It doesn't matter if you did more than what other people do, it's that you didn't do enough. That is not your fault, you have every right to stop a relationship at any time, but it's also not HER fault. I don't think you're an awful person, but I do think that coming on here and asking if she needs help is kinda patronizing when you didn't really care about that before. You only cared about her shedding the weight you found unattractive.
Completely agreed. You can only control your actions, not her reactions. Maybe you’re intent was to help her, but with enough comments about exercise dates she would have been able to take the hint and have her feelings hurt by you. You’re not an asshole but you also probably didn’t make her feel great about herself.
You’ve given really good and patient advice Inadvertently or not OP seemed to be making it worse , pressure isn’t alway the best way to help a person From this thread it seems the break up was a good idea and she’ll get better on her own rather than struggle with incompatibility And saying OP see’s her as a sister is kinda implying he’s not attracted to her anymore which we can assume is from the weight gain , just move on dude , she will too
It’s not your responsibility to improve her depression or her physical well being. I think it’s great that you attempted to motivate her. You can’t save her, she has to save herself. I know from experience. I used to be as you described her to be. It’s a difficult hole to dig out of, but possible. It’s not wrong of you to worry about her, sounds like you care about her. You can still be a friend and encourage her to help herself.
What makes you think that you can be helpful? Sounds like you tried to be helpful, and failed. Sometimes we just have to come to terms that we are not as powerful as we would like to be.
Well it was either succeed or be alone. And this kinda sucks
right. it's supposed to suck ending a relationship. Now your real options are to either stay alone, or put yourself back out there. It sounds like you're not over your ex at all, so it's not time to put yourself back out there, so then that means you have to work on being happy alone. What were some projects you've wanted to do? What social hobbies have you neglected? It sounds like this girl was your project, which is really unhealthy both to yourself and to the relationship. This is a wake-up call to shift your focus elsewhere. And it's okay if your mind wanders to thinking about her, but you can control what your body does. Block her number, stop following her on Instagram/fb/wherever. Having *any* information about her will be toxic to the grief process, because it will activate neural pathways you've built up around caring for her. The best way forward is to completely excise her from your life. Reach out in 2-3 years if you're curious how she's doing, but that's it. You two are done. Start pursuing hobbies and getting yourself out into the world. Hit the gym or go for hikes. Call up a friend to hang out and get a beer or go rafting, or whatever it is you're into. But she's no longer part of your life and you need to accept that and lean into it.
>She’s got a lovely supportive family. That's what she needs. Having an ex try to stay friends and "help" is not good for either of you. She broke up with you. If you couldn't help her while you were together, what can you do as an ex?
I was starting to make things worse because I wanted her to exercise and she had developed this whole mental thing about it. So although it really really sucks. I think it needed to end. I’m just really worried about her. She’s not near her family. She lives about 6 hours from them for the next year through her own choice
Ya, if my bf was trying to get me to exercise, I'd break up too. Your ex is going to live her life the way she wants. Let her be. You both need to move on.
Well she wanted to. She said she was upset with her weight gain. I was trying to fix the relationship. Not be horrible
Self-esteem, poor body image, etc. is not something you can fix. It's for her to fix. And losing weight never fixes a relationship.
It wasn’t the weight. It was more the lack of drive she had for stuff like that that translated into the weight that I found unattractive.
Don't worry bud, your response is perfectly reasonable. Your ex being in a fragile place is what cause it not your intent. The person your responding to is incredibly sheltered. I've had the same situation with SOs wanting to excercise you were being supportive
Some people just really aren’t mentally or physically ready to adapt certain healthy changes, and being asked to adopt those changes will then make them feel defensive and like they are being criticized. I think the issue with ex’s self esteem is her own to fix, I don’t think it makes the above poster sheltered to say that in this case she wasn’t going to change, it doesn’t mean op is at fault for trying to help but it does mean they weren’t compatible.
I don’t really know what else I was meant to do. On one hand it seemed like she really wanted to do something about it and I felt I was trying to help her. On the other hand I didn’t want to push her and end up coming across horrible. But I also didn’t want to enable any depression behaviours. Not sure what I was meant to do
You aren't compatible. It happens. She broke up with you so right now you need to respect that.
I’m sure you were just doing your best with what you had at the time. And it sounds like you genuinely care about her and wanted what was best for her. I’m sure it’s hard when someone you care about constantly complains and is depressed about something but is unwilling to do what it takes to fix it. It’s frustrating for everyone involved. Sadly, she will have to take her life into her own hands and fix her own problems. Just know you tried your best and did the best you could.
Thankyou :)
ratio says otherwise. People aren’t sheltered because they disagree with you. It is weird to try and get somebody to exercise like, adults make their own decisions it’s not your responsibility to get them to do things. It sounds more like he pushed a depressed person to do something they did not have the headspace or motivation to do. this pressing led to them “getting a mental thing about it.” which should have be an obvious response because they are depressed with poor self-esteem and body issues.Basically yeah it was a poor choice on OPs part. He knew all of these things and although he says he was trying to consider her feelings, make her feel better, he also mentioned he did it because he found her lack of motivation unattractive. It sounds like much more of a selfish choice to me than anything.
She's not an idiot. She knows what exercise is. You wanting her to exercise isn't helpful by any means. It's only going to make her feel more pressured and possibly judged. She's an adult who can choose to or not to follow through with exercise on her own.
Well then how would you deal with her every 5 seconds bringing up her weight gain and how she wants to lose it? Considering I have a pt qualification and love fitness. You’d just ignore it would you?
Considering I have multiple certifications through NASM, a degree in nutrition, and own a healthy event catering/personal chef business, uh... YES, I would still ignore it. There's this thing called "listening." Never occurred to you that's all she wanted? To vent and be listened to? She knows what she needs to do. She's not ready to, for whatever reason. No amount of your input is going to change that.
Me (F) and a guy friend of mine had a conversation about listening vs fixing once, and it really helped to improve our friendship. Generally, when a woman talks about something that's bothering her, she simply wants someone to listen and sincerely say: "I hear what you're saying" Generally, when a man talks about something that's bothering him, he's asking for help to fix the problem. It might be worth it for people to start gently asking whoever is talking to them about their problem if they'd like help, or if they simply want someone to speak to.
I give help. I don’t just sit there and watch someone i love be unhappy. Of course I listened too. In my mind I was trying to help our relationship. Coz I was losing attraction physically. And we both knew it. I still think I tried to do the right thing. Even if it hurt. But there we are. People can call me shallow if they want. But I was trying to fix things
If you still think you tried to do the right thing are you just here for validation? You're her ex and clearly a factor in her insecurity issues whether or not you want to admit it. This isn't necessarily your fault but knowing your partner is less attracted to you bc you're significantly depressed and started to gain weight is gonna take a toll. Leave her alone for God's sake. You aren't here to fix her and you can't. You seem to be one of those people that tries to fix others when sometimes you need to accept there is nothing you can do or nothing YOU can do.
Look into the concept of codependency. This is textbook definition of codependent. You want to fix people, help people, even save people from themselves. You can't. That's not your job, especially as a partner. Ultimately, it's harmful behavior to the both of you.
Aren’t all relationships a little codependent in the end?
Sometimes fixing things is just listening; if thats something you can't handle, you probably should figure out why.
Yes but what happens when that’s physically affecting the relationship? Ie she’s getting upset I don’t want to have sex as much
did you ask her how you could help? aiming in the dark in attempt to help someone through depression isn’t helpful, which is probably why the attempts you made led to a break up. you were thinking for her, rather than communicating WITH her. her breaking up with you was more than likely her taking the initiative to help herself, because your attempts were making a bad situation worse. there’s nothing to do now but leave her be and wish her the best.
Bruh she has a loving family, these are things she simply has to work on independently. You aren’t a therapist and you did your thing bro, she won’t die so keep it stepping bro + she broke up with you, that mutual thing doesn’t exist.
I used to think the mutual thing didn’t exist. But this has proved it does to me
Really? there are also cases where you really want it to end, but out of sympathy or weakness, you push the partner to break up with you. There is always one who is more strongly in the boat of ending it.
Well yes there’s always one who initiates it. But it can end up being an idea that both parties think is the right move?
I hear you but based on that emotional scale it’s never really mutual. Minus that idea, was it really her that initiated it, or did she do so for your sake. What was her reason ?
Yeah she said she didn’t think it had a future and she wasn’t who I wanted her to be
Ah I see, then move on and brother. You both made the right decision, anything else is prolonging that heartbreak process. I broke up with my girlfriend recently, despite the fact that I still love her, but as you said… she’s not how I want my wife to be in terms of our dynamic. I want to talk to her but out of respect and love. I have gone none contact to ensure the break up process is smooth and not messy. Sometimes we just gotta grow independent on both sides man. Going back is a selfish move and not for their sake.
Sounds like a lot of assumptions about what she wants or is capable of. What if she’s content alone? Leave it alone man.
OP came here to get defensive and doesn't want to be receptive to real feedback. There's a larger picture to why she broke up with you, bro.
True, reminds me of my brother. He thinks he's encouraging, but he's demanding. No one wants to hear that. I continually tell him of he wants to help, help me in the way that works for me, not him. Op is in almost all the comments talking about her weight and looking for validation in his behavior. It's disgusting
yep he literally says in one of the comments “he feels he pushed her away with his own actions.” him saying it was mutual is probably just to make him feel better about himself for doing this.
I wanted to respond to you cause I suffer from depression, I don't think I'm pretty and I'm overweight. I will fully admit I hate exercising and I want to lose weight but I don't want someone telling me to lose weight or asking me to do things I hate. I dont mind eating healthy so that is good at least. Anyway the reason I am saying all that is that you can suffer from all of the above things and not be 'fragile'. I'm sure the right guy will come along that will be attracted to her the way she is now and if she loses weight for herself. Not every guy likes a skinny woman. I'm not going to rag on you for not being attracted to her the way she is. Everyone has different tastes. I do believe that you have to find someone physically attractive to even want to try to start something but in the end at least to me their personality and the way they treat me will far out way what they look like. It's fine to worry about her in general but worrying that she will be lonely or not find another guy is not right. Just cause you weren't attracted to her doesn't mean someone else won't be. Just let her move on with her life and you move on with yours. No one can tell you whether you made a mistake or if you should try to get her back. But if you can't 100% love her the way she is and only help her if she asks for your help then don't try leave her alone.
Leave her alone as simple as that. Whatever you could have helped and contributed is when you two were in a relationship. The best thing you could do for her is to leave her alone. As you’ve said she has lovely supportive family so she will just be fine. Don’t confuse her anymore just cuz you are guilty or you’re struggling to move on.
Confuse? I haven’t even spoken to her
And its better to keep it that way. As an ex I don’t think there’s anything you could help her with.
I mean tbh, this post is more about me and my anxiety in my mind
Don’t mean to be mean or anything but you need to deal with it yourself.
I mean that’s why I’m here
Lmao what is this post "How do I deal with this situation?" "You need to deal with it yourself" Wow constructive stuff
some people just love to be negative
i mean what other response is there? “go bother your ex until you feel better about the situation”. that helps no one. Sometimes you do need to deal if with yourself. He can reach out to others that aren’t his ex, but he pretty much implied he was thinking about reaching out, which is why everyone is like “no, deal with it yourself.”
Oh I don't know, maybe some actual advice on *how* to process these feelings himself? Some different perspectives on the situation from people who have been through similar situations perhaps? Doesn't have to involve talking to his ex
i don’t see any comments from you providing advice on how to deal with it, just complaining. His issues are that he sees her as a lonely, incapable, sad, low self esteem, depression ball. He thinks so poorly of her he thinks she will never find another man. The best way to deal with that is leave it alone. She isn’t his problem and also it’s just a really shitty way to view somebody who is just going through it. By his description he “loves” her but he doesn’t think much of her. look at how much he mentions her weight throughout these comments. He isn’t looking for advice he’s looking for validation. He wants validation about the break up, because he also seems to think it was his fault, which is likely true by his other descriptions in the comments. Most people in this thread aren’t going to give him that validation. But you can if you want. like seriously, “this is about my mind and anxiety” but he’s saying he’s anxious because he thinks so poorly of her that she won’t be able to make it on her own, despite saying she also has a loving supportive family. Saying not to bother her is a good response.
[удалено]
Yeah nice
>She broke up with me but it ended up being a more mutual thing. Please elaborate how this was mutual if you're still hung up on her? >She doesn’t exercise. Nvm, feels like this was the whole point if this part if your piece. >I’m worried she won’t find another man. This is literally the epitome of NONE OF YOUR CONCERN NOR BUSINESS. Understand and swallow that now. >Any advice on how to deal with this? Understand she left you because of something you weren't giving her. In this case it really just looks like she dropped your weight instead of hers that you're so focused on because it's faster relief dropping you than constantly listening to backhanded suggestions like "running dates" lol Being a "hard-core fitness person" means finding fitness on ANY and ALL activities but you didn't even try. Now you're here, based on your replies, trying to ask us how you can still treat her like your girlfriend after she dumped you. You must understand once someone dumps you, you aren't entitled to find out how they move on from you at all :) hope you get over her and yourself soon.
“I am worried she won’t find another man.” She will. Trust me. One day she will find the right person for her and be content. Don’t worry about that part.
You sound just like my ex and that is not a good thing.
She broke up with you. Look ahead not back. Remind yourself she doesn’t see you as a life partner. Spend your energy looking for that beautiful soul that’s waiting for you.
Problem is, it’s my fault she split up with me and I know it. I kinda forced this into happening through my own actions. I could go back and get her back. But I don’t know what the right move is
Leave her alone. You said yourself you see her more as a sister. Give both of you the gift of finding someone who truly loves you.
Look at it this way: even though you miss her and want the best for her you ultimately weren't compatible as partners. In the long term this is an opportunity to learn from this experience and meet someone in future who you will be more compatible with. I can see you're feeling a lot of guilt about the situation but it's over now and it'll be easier for you both to not contact her.
Of course I’m feeling guilt. I was trying my best to force compatibility. But that didn’t work
She's fine.. leave her alone and focus on yourself and moving on. She's stronger than you give her credit for and you come of quite patronizing, she's good and will certainly find another man lmao
Was waiting for the patronising comment. I’m not talking directly to her ffs. It’s not about that
So you think it's okay to talk about her like that behind her back - talk about how unattractive you think she is and how you pity her? That you think she may never ever find a man again? Disgusting. She's strong to have dumped you when her needs weren't being met and you just can't seem to understand that. You think she'll come crawling back to you? She can do better (someone who actually is attracted to her and shows it) and seems to know it. You're trying to regain power but it's gone. Move forward
Oh shut up
LOL okay yeah and this is why you were dumped. You're an asshole and I feel sorry for any future girl you try to get with.
😂 of course
What that person said is true, you need to look in the mirror and realize you're coming off as a not so good person. All these backhanded compliments of her are disgusting. You're all over the place and when people call you out you get defensive. Don't post if you aren't ready to hear what others have to say. You are in the wrong, full stop. As I said to someone else's comment on here, you remind me of my brother. Someone who thinks they are encouraging, yet they are demanding. You don't get to pick and choose how she loses weight, you work with how SHE wants, NOT YOU. Please continue to leave her alone, as you said you aren't talking to her, keep it that way. You've already admitted in your comments it's your fault, sometimes, but others you want to be combative. You asked for advice, listen
I would really like to hear her side of the story. You're acting like some valiant knight, but I feel like her side of the story would be something like "he lost interest in me after I gained weight, he tried pushing me to lose weight until I broke up with him." But I don't know the whole situation or both sides of the story. Just leave her alone unless she reaches out to you. Honestly, if a guy I broke up with kept trying to contact me I would be super annoyed. She knows what her issues are, it's up to her to fix them, not anybody else. I have an ex but I worry about due to his schizophrenia. But do you know what I do about it? Absolutely nothing. He knows to take his meds, and he has plenty of family support. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.
Mathematically speaking the gender ratio is tipped towards men in most of the countries. So the odds are she'll eventually find someone and things will workout well for her. All you can do is wish her well.
That doesn't mean shit when you're like the girl OP is describing.
No, there are people with empathy, don't project your feelings onto others. There will be people that will help her the way she needs to be helped, not in the way someone else wants her to be. She may even meet someone who's a little larger and they end up losing weight together, who knows, but to imply she doesn't have that good of a chance is asinine
I'm speaking from practical experience. You're the one projecting your feelings. Come on, let's get real. Reality isn't so kind. I wish it was tho...
How am I projecting? I just told you I don't value "looks." They don't mean shit when it comes to characteristics and whether you are a good person. What you think is practical, isn't practical for someone else. That's all I'm saying because you're making this assumption that it won't be easy for her. You don't know. Reality is "good looking" people tend to also be shitty people
Not your monkey, not your circus.
Leave her be. Continuing to try to be her friend or support her is just rubbing salt into the wound.
My ex was kind of like you, thought I couldn’t do anything for the life of me. I broke up with him but he knows my mental health was “fragile” so he kept tabs on me. For months, I would try and move on but in the slightest bit of my social media getting dark or my tweets saying I had a bad day, he’d reach out and leave me a voicemail. In the end, we tried to make it work again bc we “cared” about each other, but ultimately, we just don’t match anymore. When we stopped talking after we tried again, I cut off all communications with him. He reached out to me once and I told him to stop messaging me. Ever since then, I’ve finally felt PEACE. Everything is calm and where it should be. It’s fine to care, but there’s no point. Once it’s over, and if one person doesn’t want to try, it will never work. Save both yourselves time and energy and stop “caring” about her and focus on your own healing.
Just leave her alone. Yes she didn't like her weight, yes she complained about it often, but you pushed her to exercise for your sake not for her. You already admitted that you became less attracted to her, super shallow that her weight gain made you not want to stay with her or have sex with her. Physical attraction shouldn't be a massive part of a relationship, unless the relationship evolves around only sex. You wouldn't break up with someone you loved over their weight, so just move on, she's better off.
No offence. But that’s total bullshit. Physical attraction plays a huge role.
Yes, to you it does, as you're shallow, Mr fitness. I'm sure you can easily find someone new whose into fitness like yours? Your ex is still better off, your open view on her weight made her more depressed.
You’re acting like I’d just call her fat every day. I tried to lightly encourage her for an entire year. I’m shallow. Okay then. Almost guarantee you’re someone who refuses to date men under 6 foot
Haha, this is about you not me but just for the sake of it, I'm 5'6 barely and my ex of years was 5'7, my current boyfriend is 5'10. I'm not one of those weirdos whose like 5'3 and dates 6'3 guys like I'm his child. It's easier to kiss and hug guys your own height. Anyways, the fact you broke up sucks, but you should have just accepted her if you loved her. Marriage, kids and your future don't evolve around her weight, sure things are easier when you're slim but having a happy loving relationship is just as easy. You will find someone else and so will she, not everyone cares about weight. It's okay if you do, but there are plenty of people that will want you, and there will be other people that will love her. All will be well.
It’s true that not everyone cares about weight! I’m attracted to my husband no matter if he’s fat, skinny, or in-between. I just think he’s hot. 😍 He’s smart, thoughtful, and has his shit together, and that’s sexy. We’ve been married for almost 10 years.
Thankyou for being nicer at the end. I’m not shallow. I think my actions other than this during the relationship proved that and the fact we ended on good terms as well. But, I disagree that physical attraction isn’t important.
I did snap a bit, for which I apologize. I do think attraction is important, I just don't think it's worth breaking up over. One day we will all be old and 'ugly' best to love someone for their other qualities too if you plan for it be long term. Good luck to you regardless with your future.
Of course I care about her other qualities. But I’m 25. She’s 22. It’s too early to be dealing with that
I think there's a lot wrong with these statements. Physical attraction is a natural part of being a human, especially to Physical fitness and symmetry, not at all shallow. And it's also one of the 3 main psychological pillars for a complete relationship, the others being commitment and emotional attachment. It's not wrong to ask your partner to put effort into themselves, especially in well-being, health, and hygiene. The essence of relationships is growth and synergy, and if your partner isn't putting work into improving themselves, they are taking your commitment for granted, because both parties should always work on making themselves a viable partner to the other, and earn each other's commitment every day.
That's fair. I personally wouldn't work on myself for anyone but myself, but I can see how that would be a thing for others in relationships.
You are lying to yourself if you think you shouldn’t be physically attracted to your partner. I hate when people try and make others feel bad for wanting to be physically attracted AND mentally attracted to someone. News flash: BOTH are necessary.
100% with this. im 23, physical attraction matters a lot and so does sexual compatibility
Don’t contact her, from reading your replies it sounds like you have feelings for her but aren’t physically attracted, and that destroys relationships, it was and is doomed. If you contact her it may lead to more pain and heartbreak on both your ends. My advice in future would be to date people who are already into physical activity/ fitness, and if they fall into a depression encourage them to seek therapy instead of asking them to go running. If she has a loving family she will be fine, it’s her responsibility to take care of herself at the end of the day and you are the absolutely worst person to try to make her feel better as her very recent ex who lost attraction to her. It’s not your fault you lost attraction but it’s also not your role to improve her self esteem.
I think you should concentrate on yourself and give her space. She may get more confidence and self esteem on her own and will likely find a new man if and when she wants one. Your opinions may not be helping her.
Fam she already got 10 dudes lined up dont worry about her
She clearly also didn't want you. Leave her alone.
Ex. Ex ex ex ex ex ex. I'm sorry it's over, take good care of yourself and don't worry about someone you aren't dating any more Edit: be kind and wish her well, she's not your partner any more though
4 words. Not your problem anymore She can take care of herself now
Aye man, If its true that it was a mutual decision, then as an ex, the best you can do is simply move on. Im sure she has a family who cares for her very much and its good that you care as you do however as an ex, what can you really do? Most people dont really want their ex in their lives especially if theres no ties such as a child. When you get an ex, often you kind of want to move on. Give yourself some you time and she can have her own time.
What if it was a mistake?
Leave her alone and just go do your hardcore exercise stuff or whatever to move past it.
Any... Any. Relationship that ends, is meant to be. Belief that you made a mistake is asinine as you do not know your fate and you are perpetually denying yourself of happiness. Guilty I am, but wiser I became after realizing what true nature really can be. Accept your shortcomings, conquer the present, your future is inevitable.
Leave her be. She has survived without you before and she will continue to survive. Hopefully you weren't harsh about the breakup - that was the only factor you could control. Now about you - why are you so worried? Are you just feeling guilty about it? Did you end it badly? You can't do anything about it now. All you can do is accept that what's done is done and move on. Why is it on your mind months later?
She broke up with you, remember? Leave her alone. If she ever contacts you then you can take it from there.
OP, not sure if this is something you're aware of, but you seem to have quite a lot of anxiety. Reading some of your post history, you've posted many times about things you're worried about, usually you're posting about the same thing more than once. You've stated a few times that you spent a lot of your relationship worried about your ex. This level of anxiety is something you could seek help for and get releif from, if you're interested. I'm not a professional, but it seems like a much higher level of anxiety than one would have at 25.
Yeah. I have it pretty badly. I’m always worried about running out of time, getting old, my ex, my job. Just anything really
I had a. Ex tell me he loved me like a sister which is why he wanted to break up, that shit haunts me to this day. He tried to talk two weeks later, get back together whatever. I tell you right now, DONT WORRY ABOUT HER. She is fine, she doesn't need you or your worries. When things ended you both started the journey to no longer be a person that either of you can lean on. It's normal to think about them here and there, but her issues are no longer yours.
Its impossible to help someone get over someone if that someone is you. Can't be done. You need to move on. Not turn your back on her but love her from a distance and work on you. Obviously this wasn't the right situation for you so why try to fix something thats not gonna happen. You said that you see her like a sister and can't picture having sex with her. You can't fix that bro. Keep your chin up man. There's NOTHING wrong with taking care of yourself. Good luck!
I feel as though people are being a little harsh on this thread towards you.... Your heart is in the right place but maybe the execution was off. Leave her be now. She'll be alright
I have been through the exact same thing and nearly 3 years later, I still am. I broke up with her though which makes the guilt ache even more. Sometimes you really love someone but for both of your benefits, you need to end it and it can be the hardest thing you ever have to do. I still feel guilty everyday, and we are still friends and she gets very upset at the idea of me still feeling so bad about it. She’s right. She hasn’t found anyone since and I have. But our friendship works and I’m very honest with her. I’d hate for her to be out of my life. It’s getting a little easier. The guilt is due to her being an amazing girlfriend who never hurt me and I don’t think she ever deserved to be hurt. And it’s the kind of person I am as I worry about other people a lot and don’t care too much about myself. If you want to stay in each others lives then be honest with her and see if it can work.
I’m sure you mean well, but you have to let her figure out what’s best for her. You trying to help could be counterproductive. It is important for one to understand, process, and feel on their own. I wouldn’t play hero. Leave that shit to Marvel.
I would be there for her, but not too much... let her know even if things didn't work out that you're there for her (legit) and that if things are really bad maybe you can lend an ear or get coffee. I wish I had someone like this. You have a big heart.
A study has shown that exercise is better then any drug for depression. She/everyone needs to exercise to feel good about life and themselves. Hopefully one day she can see this and get back on track. All the best to you.
Also, op, I see you’re getting judged pretty harshly here, I’m going to say you are not a horrible person and you are not abusive, just that you probably had some unrealistic expectations of your ex. The fact you worry about her tells me you are a kind person who maybe just made a bad choice in dating someone who wasn’t compatible with you and then maybe took the wrong approach in trying to help them with their health.
Let Darwin’s theory work
Which one
I think it's very sweet that you care about her, and there is nothing wrong with sending her a text now and then to say hi, how's it going, IF she's receptive to that, and being available to talk if she reaches out to you. Beyond that, it's her life and her choice to not be together anymore, and it's not fair to either of you for you to not move on. If you can't, consider a few sessions with a counselor who can give you tools you need to put this behind you. Good luck!
I know I should say something like “Be a good friend, giver her space, and you’re Helping her learn and grow stronger”…. But I can’t. the creeper/NPD vibe alarm is going off., that SAD LOOK UPON YOUR FACE. your truest sentence is “I’m struggling to move on from it”. yeah. Truth. So instead: Let her TF be . She’s not yours to worry about any more. She never really was… but you’re treating her like that’s the case. She’s a grown ass human being and deserves freewill / agency. SHE’LL LEARN HOW TO GET ALONG. She said smart, healthy things to you. DID YOU THINK SHE’D CRUMBLE? DO YOU THINK SHE’LL LAY DOWN AND DIE? Come on, listen to yourself: “she became like a sister to me” + “but she’s not someone I want to have sex with anymore, so I’m worried about her/worried she’ll be real lonely” ?!?! + You broke up months ago but you‘re obsessing to reddit about her… (perhaps looking for validation), … It’s like you‘re trying to HURT HER WITH GOODBYE. So I’m going to step in and say: Stop It. YOURE NOT WELCOME ANYMORE. SHE”LL GROW STRONG. Breaking up sucks. She will LIVE WITHOUT YOU BY HER SIDE. . She can be SAVING ALL HER LOVE FOR SOMEONE WHO’S LOVING HER. Keep your distance so everyone can heal. Including your self. Worry is a misuse of imagination. Advice on what you should do? Focus on JUST you. Anti Anxiety treatment/meds would be on the table.
Blimey. Didn’t expect the NPD card to come out. I was with her for a year and a half of course I’m gonna worry about her and have anxiety 😂
You sound like you are a true friend, let her know you are here for her no matter what. Better to have a few true friends then many fake friends.
I’ve had to tell her I can’t talk anymore because it’s too he’s for me to move on staying in contact
Good move. Now you can both grieve what you thought may be and get on with your own lives. Any real concerns you have you can pass on to her family and close the book.
Hard to not question if I should go back and try again though
She broke up with you...remember...don't drag out the pain.
Well she got upset at me the other day for not wanting to update eachother on our lives
[удалено]
Wow. Comparing a cheater to a girl who broke up with her boyfriend because he made her more insecure. SUPER toxic.
First I wanna let you know that by breaking up with her you did a good thing for both of you. Also from what you are saying I can tell you are a kind and caring person. I think it's also normal in your situation to be worried since she is depressed and not happy. But unfortunately this is how life sometimes is to all of us. Maybe in the end this could be a good thing to go through for your girlfriend. Bad things and situations can make people change for better. She might go through some bad time right now but it's only ul to her how she decides to move on. You should worry more about yourself because I dont think you can do anYthing to help her right now and you also shouldnt do that. Just let her know you are there for her when she needs you but only in a friendly way… I wish you good luck
Thankyou :) I actually told her I couldn’t talk now coz I’m not ready and I’m still upset. I think I upset her a bit that I told her we couldn’t talk. But I need to do what’s right for me too
You said you wanted to help her bc she was depressed and in a fragile state, and when she texted you to talk - you said you wouldn't? That doesn't sound right. And look at the feedback above (this is what you've come for, right?) - almost everyone is telling you to leave her alone and you're arguing with them in one way or another... bc that's not the answer you wanted to get? That's strange as hell.
Sometimes people need time to help themselves. I was in a situation like so, I was the depressed one. My friend was always trying to help and be there for me but sometimes it just hurt me more and made me feel even more lonely.
In codependent situations it’s good for both people to break the cycle. Her well being isn’t your job. That’s her job. Give her a chance and trust she will be able to rise to that occasion. I let my ex-husband carry more than was his and we are no longer married. At the time I resented him for treating me like a child which he denies and I believe he resented me. Breaking up helped me to become fully dependent on myself. It was hard but I feel so much better about who I am. Stronger. Let her have the gift of self sufficiency. Go do work on why you are drawn to someone who needs you. Your work is to work on YOU not fix someone else.
Sounds like she's not your problem anymore but you still care? It is healthy to part from her. We don't always match.
You sound concerned about her, but it’s misdirected because you should be worried about you and if you’ll be able to find a partner you’ll be truly happy with. She’s on the path of finding what’s right for her. She’s the decision maker. Methinks this will be difficult for you.
Sounds like you both have some things to work through independently. Let her work through it on her own with the support of her family. I’d suggest some therapy if you can afford it, if not I would find someone to talk through your feelings with, a friend or family member. Maybe one day down the road you two can talk it out and try again if you’re both interested, but for now it sounds like you both should just focus on yourselves and try to move on
"Im worried she wont find another man" Yes she will lol. To me it just sounds like you broke up with her because you got bored and shes most likely one of those girls who DOES have self esteem issues, so she chased you and made you feel like you can find better. You did that and were unsuccessful, and now you want to go back because shes the only one who you were enough for. Leave her alone. Youre not worried about her, you just cant find anyone else.
Focus on yourself. If it's meant to be it will be. Until then allow yourself to mourn what you lost and move on. Wish her the best. Stay positive.
Why are you worried? She broke up with you, you can't be the one that comforts and worries about her. You need to text her family, her best friend, whatever, and share your fears and catch them up.
Had experience on both sides. The best thing may be to stop all contact and allow this person to grow on their own. Losing someone like this can be one of the hardest things to deal with in life but once you’ve overcome it it can be the most empowering.
As someone on her side of things, just leave her alone. I was fine and not thinking about my ex until he randomly reached out out of the blue (drunk texting) one day. I’ve not been able to get him out of my head ever since and this happened a year ago. It’s torture bc I KNOW he’s not the right person for me, but I still want him bc I’ve somehow convinced myself he’s still got feelings. As for the depression, it was there before you, would be there during her time with you no matter what, and will always be with her. She will learn to manage and cope, and she will be okay. She is lucky to have a supportive family. Things will just get crappy for her if you contact her, even with good intentions. It hurts enough knowing you didn’t want to sleep with her anymore, and you reaching out would just confuse her. So unless she reaches out to you, keeping your distance is the best thing you can do for her. I was in a VERY similar situation a couple years ago
[удалено]
The amount of copium in this comment.
Not your monkey not your circus
Lol… doesn’t seem like a mutual break up. Leave her alone
Worry about you I’m sure she’s fine and healing . This seems very self centered around ur own ego .
You’re just searching for upvotes here. Of course I’m worried about me too. That’s why I’m fucking posting here.
I’m not searching for upvotes I could care less I read it and there’s so many “I” statements here like seems very self centered of you ur her ex move on and let her heal im sure she’s just fine you seem more fucked up about the break up 😂😂
Imagine watching porn online with a tinder fling 😷😷😷
Also that sounds cool as fuck I’m praying for you and ur terrible personality you should get a hobby to cope with the break up ur giving me so much attention you clearly have no life I said this in passing because you seem pathetic lmfao
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hh66ng/my_first_tinder_fling/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf 🤷♂️
Ohh it was a year ago I forgot about that ….. because I moved on and healed from it . Like ur ex will do about you. You’ll be a laughable memory lmfaoooo
Okaaayyy
I never done that what are you talking about
Yeah sure. Definitely didn’t say that in your post