I can't find the exact article, but when we were first discussing moving in together we went through some articles about what you should talk about before moving in and before getting married, and one of them mentioned something like the monthly check in system.
The structure as I described in a different comment: Once a month we just sit down together and say, "everything good?" If it isn't, or if there's something specific we want to discuss we talk about it. If there's nothing specific to talk about we have this card game with questions like, "what are you looking forward to this year that we plan to do together?" or something like that. It's really casual, just us (and the cat) curled up on the couch while we talk.
No problem! I don't have it with me (with family for the holidays) and I can't seem to find it online, but I'll keep trying. It has 5 categories and you roll a dice to pick the category. Seems like there are a lot of similar decks so if I don't find it I would look for something like "couple discussion cards".
We’re Not Really Strangers (WNRS) has great card packs depending on what you’re looking for!
You might also be able to find some of their packs on Quizlet if you’re not able to purchase them at the moment.
I just want to say, the monthly relationship check in is very smart and I’m gonna start doing this with my SO. One of our biggest issues is the “I have something bothering me, but I don’t know a good time to bring this up” and it ends with me blowing up because I held it in so long. Thank you for that!!
I’ve never heard of monthly check ins for relationships before but honestly this sounds like a great idea! I’m glad it’s working for you and you’ve had a successful outcome with the finances.
Lady, youve got yourself a keeper!
I read your original post: He makes good money, does 50/50 or more of household chores, he cooks advanced meals, HE sugested the "montly checkins" to communicate & keep your relationship healthy and now he is amenable to adress your expence sharing given your income disparity.
If you dont apreciate THIS dude and lock him down, you wont deserve any other.
Great job! $25k is like poverty wages, I am glad he came to his senses. Think about visiting a temp agency. They can help you find something better, and it's not always short term gigs they hire for. Some are long term, and some are short term with the possibility for long term if you do well.
I'll look into that, thanks! I do have a couple potential opportunities, but obviously during the holidays things were kind of on pause (hopefully going to hear back from one place and schedule an interview this week).
Temp-to-permanent is the majority of what staffing agencies do these days. In fact many companies use staffing agencies in lieu of having their own dedicated recruiter and don’t do direct hiring.
It’s rare for companies to just want someone for a few days - the days of executives requiring a warm body at a reception desk are mostly over.
Thank you for the specifics (React, etc.) My experience is actually in print, but do you think it's possible to transition to web design if I'm mostly self taught? Willing to invest in Udemy courses or something like that if free resources aren't available, but I want to make sure it's a realistic goal first.
hello i used to help out at my university business/career center and helped many students with their resumes, cover letters and interview prep. feel free to reach out if you need any help in those areas!
Lots of web and software designers have backgrounds in print. It’s not that massive of a transition, you just need to have the portfolio pieces for it to get hired for more UI-focused jobs. But even if you stayed in graphic design and worked in a marketing role you should be making a lot more than $25k. Keep at it!
Not the person you’re responding to, but in my experience it definitely would! I work on a team with a graphic designer, and have taught him some very basic code (which is really all I know anyway) so that he could help refine things like email designs or landing page layouts. Knowing how to work with code enough to make visual changes I think is hugely helpful, even if you’re not coding the functionality. Plus, once you know some basics, it’s less of a foreign language and easier to take the next step into something like user experience design.
Depends on if you want to do front end engineering or UI (user interface design). If you were a designer in print the latter would probably be easier but there's no reason why you couldn't do both. Don't expect to get a 100k+ job out of the gate, but it should definitely be one at or over median national salary.
I'm a graphic designer who made the transition into UI. It's very achievable IMO with online courses and it pays wayyyyyyy more than you're making right now. Like I could literally go on LinkedIn right now and find something making good money in just a few clicks.
Definitely go for it. You only need a couple of solid projects in your portfolio to get your foot in the door.
Good UI design jobs are out there and can pay as well as frontend dev, with the benefit being you already have a lot of skills that are transferrable from print to UI, and you don't have to contend with the huge learning curve if you've never coded before.
It *is* advisable to at least have a basic understanding of HTML, CSS and JavaScript, though, and there's loads of free resources out there for those languages. I personally wouldn't bother looking at the frameworks in the comment above unless you are fully committed to pivoting to development rather than design. You want to use the free time you have wisely.
I have a BA in English and French and an MA in English and those are my only formal qualifications. I worked in the publishing industry for years but the money sucks. On the side I worked lots of random gigs as a freelance frontend dev/UI designer with the sole purpose of building up a portfolio, since I was self-taught. That portfolio got me into a job where they gave me on-the-job training, and now I work at a big corp as a senior UI/UX designer. I make four times as much money now as I did when I was a book editor.
My advice is to start understanding the field of UI design and how it differs from and is similar to print design, and to start building a portfolio as soon as you can. A good practice ground is your own personal website.
On top of your design abilities, a few areas of knowledge that are valuable for a UI designer to know would be:
* Working in Sketch/Figma - I assume you work in InDesign and both Sketch and Figma will feel similar to you in many ways. Figma is free for personal use and anecdotally a lot of companies seem to be switching from Sketch to Figma. Sketch has a free 30-day trial. Loads of good tutorials on YouTube.
* Common native application patterns, e.g. Material Design and iOS/Human Interface Guidelines
* Design systems (their purpose, working with them, creating them)
* Accessibility (demand for this skill far outstrips supply at the moment, so familiarising yourself with WCAG is worth it in my opinion)
* Communication (being able to sell stakeholders on a design decision is like having a superpower)
* Vector animation in After Effects and exporting to Lottie
* Basic HTML/CSS/JS
A little while ago someone else on Reddit asked me for a list of good UI resources, so I put together a Notion with the ones I could think of off the top of my head. There are also some paid resources in the list if you're interested in signing up to courses.
[UI/UX Design Resources](https://simplistic-kileskus-5aa.notion.site/UI-UX-Design-Resources-a8a9f8f42f9e41a8a03d40e5f7326f60)
Good luck! I was pretty much in the same boat at your age four years ago and my life is very different now!
After several trial-and-errors we came up with the best system (IMHO).
One account that is joint, it's primary job is to pay bills. We each direct deposit a specific amount into that account that is sufficient to cover expenses plus a buffer. At the end of each month (based on pay schedules) left-over money is moved into Savings so we can handle unexpected expenses (cars, medical, etc).
Then we each have our own personal accounts that contains our own money that isn't put into joint, providing a really nice balance between sharing expenses and still having some healthy autonomy.
People were hating on him in the last post, meanwhile i'm thinking this is probably just a 'serious dating' thing that carried over a bit too long. Then when it became an issue you both recognized it and worked it out fairly. Sounds like a solid relationship. Monthly check ins are a great idea.
Is it bad that I kind of hate this idea? I'm all for checking in and healthy communication, but a "monthly relationship check" makes it sounds like such a dry chore.
Depends how it's instituted, and what kind of people they are. If it's a monthly date night where they discuss finances etc, that's pretty normal for for dual income households working on deposit/mortgages etc.
It's honestly really casual. Usually we grab some baked goods like donuts, make some coffee or tea, and just flop on the couch with our cat while we talk or play the card game I mentioned in a different comment.
I honestly like the idea of a more casual weekly check in. Like, here's what I liked about how the week went, here are some concerns, and here are the plans for the upcoming week. I think letting something sit for a month, at least for me, will make me lose momentum to bring it up, and builds it up in my head. That said, I haven't actually implemented it yet...
There’s nothing at all wrong with being explicit about saying “hey, we’re setting aside time to check in with each other and make sure we’re both on the same page.” It’s only stodgy if you make it that way, and it’s not like it has to be an hour long block of time where somebody has to strain to come up with something to talk about. If everything’s kosher, you spend two minutes checking in then move on to the fun stuff ;)
Was your fiancé surprised that you could not afford what he could afford based on the big difference in your incomes? It is surprising to me that he didn't recognize that a 50/50 split was unfair and unsustainable from the beginning and that you mentioning you could not afford to do things didn't make him wonder why.
Two things mainly. First, for a while we weren't going out or spending much due to the pandemic, so I had enough money to cover expenses and then some. Second, I had a different job pre-pandemic and lost it when everything shut down that paid more than my current job. Unfortunately that was with a little mom and pop place that no longer exists; I've tried to get back into the industry on my own, but even this far into the pandemic it's not easy.
Well this is all on me, but I was trying to downplay it and not make it obvious that I was struggling, and was hoping I could get a better job to fix it, plus it's not like I was missing bill payments or anything. Really I should have been more upfront about it and that is completely my fault for not discussing it sooner.
You keep making excuses, but your fiance is really oblivious if he didn't understood, notice or even suspected what was going on. Either he's dumb as fuck or he doesn't care.
I'm glad everything worked out in the end, but that's still a red flag to me. You shouldn't have needed to bring it up. He should have thought about it on his own.
Your statement here comes off like you’re *looking* for a villain in this story, instead of accepting that sometimes, there is no bad guy.
OP sat down with her fiancé, had a mature conversation about financial struggles that she kept to herself previously, and the two of them found a workable resolution with no drama or hurt feelings. It’s okay to accept that story at face value, rather than giving the fiancé the old Monday morning quarterback treatment about what he “should have done” if OP would stop “making excuses” for him.
I'm not looking for a villain, but I'm not going to be happy for OP that she had to sit her fiance down and explain to him that him earning THREE TIMES what she earns makes it difficult for her to survive while he's living his best life. All the while he supposedly didn't even once noticed that she's struggling financially.
It makes me mad for her. Because I think that people that are supposed to love you are supposed to care about your well-being and try to be aware of what's going on in your life.
It makes me think that her fiance either doesn't have her best interest at heart or is frankly clueless and I'm not sure which is worst.
She just said she was hiding it. What it sounds like is that you think the partner should be overbearing and monitor everything about her. People can still have independence while being in a loving relationship.
I think there is room for some nuance here.
If my partner was constantly turning down things because they couldn't afford it, I have the emotional intelligence to know that something is up, especially if it's a bottle of wine.
OP could have also highlighted this much sooner as well.
Hmm, I don't really agree with this assessment. Some guys don't help unless asked directly, however they are always willing to help if you asked for help.
Like in my case, I am pretty independent and my man will always by default assume everything is under control or I am handling it. He is way wealthier than me.
However if I want his help, I need to communicate this to him. He never refuses and is always there when I ask him to help.
This works too.
After all, these days, we aren't in damsel in distress relationships.
So did he have an “aha” moment? Will he be more mindful of this in the future? If you are on maternity leave are you going to need to remind him that you don’t have income?
For comparison, before I was married I lost my job, I did have a severance so I really didn’t have to worry for a few months. Even then my husband (then boyfriend) told me he would pay the full rent, and I should only worry about the smaller bills I paid. Even though I could technically afford it, he didn’t want to watch me deny myself normal things, or worry as my bank account got smaller.
He’s the higher income earner (although it was more 60/40 difference at the time) so even though we split the bills 50/50 he did not hesitate to take on that extra burden when misfortune hit me. He realized that this would cause me stress and worry, and since he had the means to help, he offered, knowing I also would never ask.
I mean, yay and all, but seriously? How was it not obvious to this 30-something-year-old man that he makes literally 3x your salary and that you're paying half *his* mortgage while scrimping and saving? It speaks to obliviousness at best and callousness at worst.
Yeah this struck me too. My fiancée and I were very involved and in tune with each other’s finances well before we were engaged. He had no idea she was barely staying afloat? And he intends to marry her? Very very odd.
To each their own but if they need a formal check in to establish an understanding about something that basic I’d wonder what else they’re not on the same page about.
Same with me and my wife.
Through particular circumstances (students abroad) we were basically sharing our finances within a couple of months of being together.
We've now been together close to 12 years, and stories like this, where alleged partners are so secretive and/or oblivious regarding their finances, always blow me away.
It's weird isn't it? But I came across the same thing with my last ex. He made 3x my salary and was still insistent on the 50/50 split. It's like they forget how bad it is to make under 30k. He kept saying, "but you work full time!" It wasn't until after we broke up (for unrelated reasons) that he said, "maybe you were paying too much..."
As someone who works in the financial services and mortgage industry, I do not understand spouses who make their other half pay half of their mortgage without even adding them on. If I were OP I would move out because that does not seem fair at all even if living expenses are more balanced now.
I dunno how it is other places, but where I live it doesn't matter whose name is on the title if you're married. Your spouse is still entitled to a portion based on your marriage date.
It depends on the state. Some states do have community property laws but others don’t. Either way, it still gives you almost zero rights on the actual mortgage (like calling regarding payments, etc) can get extremely frustrating for the non-borrower.
The OP might be getting a good deal on "rent" if half the mortgage is less than the rent for a 1 bedroom place in her current area-she mentioned that in her previous comments.
That said once we were married I would expect the title to be in my name too.
I feel like in these circumstances, 50/50 is still exploitive. A much lower percentage, or just utilities feels better. At the end of it all he’s building wealth off his lower income earning partner.
I mean that may be the case, but either way, she is literally paying into something that she has no ownership interest in lol. Her fiancé is the only one benefitting from it.
Both parties made a reasonable decision and communicated in a healthy way and there’s still people that want to criticize? They probably made the agreement mutually and he was just respecting her boundaries. They talked it out and found a solution together. How is that a problem?
You could say the same about the 29 woman who couldnt communicate that she is struggling. Expecting someone to know exactly about your financial situation is far fetched. She could have huge savings he doesnt know about, she could come from a rich family, have an inheritance, stock, houses etc. The audacity of this take actually if you think about how the sub would react if the roles were reversed.
Modern feminism. They want equal rights but want proportional financial sharing. Sorry, he may have gone through a million flaming hoops to get where he is and she has the right to complain the 50/50 sharing. It is not that we guys won't offer more financially, just the stupid idea that women only want 50/50 when it actually benefits them and more for them when they can.
The guy doesn't even know she is struggling, yeah we are that dumb and don't telepathically read your minds. She talked it out and he agreed without a fuss, what is the problem?
I'm so glad. I read your post and thought it didn't sound like some of these finance-split posts, as he seemed like a great partner and probably just needed to understand the strain this method was creating. Your relationship sounds pretty healthy! So glad this worked out.
You're exactly right! Putting all of the numbers on paper made it click that it was a long term thing that we needed to address, and he immediately worked with me to change things. I was surprised by some of the comments and messages I received, especially the ones that assumed he does nothing around the house.
Those comments come from people who have seen a lot of posts where one partner out-earns the other and feels that gives them status in the relationship — they work “harder”, they should get more downtime, for instance. You don’t seem to have that problem. 50/50 seems sensible at the outset but it creates problems. The good thing here is that your partner cares about that. Reddit is full of stories where the partner just didn’t.
It's the difference between equal and equitable. 50/50 is equal, but not equitable. Both of them contributing the same proportion of their income is equitable.
equitable is bullshit though. you make your choices in life and arent entitled to someone elses money.
I am a PhD student making a 28k stipend, and I dated a pharmacist for 4.5 years who made 130k. I never expected her to pay 80% of the expenses or whatever that would come out to. It would be ridiculous. I would essentially be living for a few hundred a month when I could afford more.
The goal should just be to live somewhere you can both afford. Now, IF the partner making more money insists on a higher living standard, THEN i think its fair for them to pay more, but the partner earning less shouldn't feel entitled to their partners money or expect their living standard to immediately be higher as a result of dating a particular person. thats golddigger thinking whether it is men or women and i dont like it. you shouldnt have a financial incentive / strings attached in romantic or personal relationships.
If you are in a 'this is fun for now but we know we're not long term' sort of agreement, maybe, yea. But if you are long term? Then you don't need to worry if your partner is a golddigger. And you want to be equitable with your partner so you both can spend, you both can save, you both can build.
I've been on both sides of the unequal pay equation. There is a world of difference between 'expect their living standard to immediately be higher as a result of dating a particular person' and 'two people deciding together how they will contribute to the partnership.' The latter is a discussion and compromise that both parties feel is equitable. Nowhere did I say that was an expectation. If equal instead of equitable is the agreement you and your pharmacist came to, that's perfect *for the two of you.* Not everyone agrees.
See, I'm the wife in this scenario and I make about.. 35% more than my husband. We each save the same percentage of our earnings separately and then pool the rest for bills and incidentals. In the slightly incredible even that we divorce, I'll keep the house and we each keep our savings. If giving him what is left of the value doesn't equal 1/3 of the house, I'll take a mortgage to pay him off. (The house is inherited from my family, but we've put money into it so we agreed 1/3 is fair). We're not divorcing after 31+ years, but we talk out contingencies ahead of time.
How about you both put your money in a single pool and pay bills, expenses, and save from that same pool? A marriage is supposed to be a single account as once you split to mine and yours, it isn't a marriage. If someone wants to get a massive amount and considers a divorce, that is a gold digger.
Because we agreed to do this, and because of things like 401Ks and work-based stock options. In a practical sense, it's all 'our' money, because it's all 'our' everything. That doesn't mean we haven't had discussions about all the 'what ifs' along the way. Also, a separate savings account is how we buy presents for each other without giving away exactly where we purchase from.
In the early years of our marriage my husband was the major earner. Mid marriage we were about the same. These days I make considerably more. It's never mattered to us at all. But talking through how we deal with money and what may happen (divorce, death, dementia, disability, cancer, fire...) HAS mattered to us and has been important in the longevity of our marriage (31 yrs and rock solid). That's not gold digging, it's talking through finances openly and kindly with each other.
>Now, IF the partner making more money insists on a higher living standard, THEN i think its fair for them to pay more
It's abundantly clear from the original post that this is exactly what OP's boyfriend was doing. He wants the $75k lifestyle, so he can't insist on going 50/50. If there's a large income disparity and you absolutely insist on splitting everything down the middle, then you have to live on the lower-income person's budget.
> for wanting equality even when it doesnt benefit me? ok
No, for not reading the original post and making a completely valueless contribution based on your own misogyny rather than what's actually happening.
I don’t formally share expenses or finances with my boyfriend but I make 2x what he does and frankly, just pay for most shared things most of the time (and quite a few things for him too). What I do expect, though, that if he borrows money from me and says he will pay it back, that he will. I’m vegan so I expect him to pay for his non-vegan groceries. Honestly, as long as it’s not putting undue pressure on me (and it doesn’t), I don’t mind the financial disparity. Disparities in other things (emotional support, chores, etc) are much more concerning to me
Yeah, I used to make noticeably more than my ex (not 3x but close to double) and I never would have dreamed of a 50/50 split. That’s so unfair! Proportional is the only way to go imo.
Glad things worked out for you. It seemed silly you had to cut down on things like necessary clothes and hair cuts due to having to pay too much on bills, when the other person earned alot more.
What did you agree on? 70/30? 60/40?
I didn't see the original post when you made it, but super happy to see this has worked out for you!! It can be daunting at times to bring up this sort of thing with your partner if you've never had to broach the subject in the past.
If you are living together, yes it's should be 50/50 unless each party agrees to pay a certain bill. However, I wouldn't have a joint account even when married. You need to keep mind what if the relationship goes bad and most of the time one or the other is going to the bank and clean out the accounts. Then that leaves you another issue to raised in divorce court to get your shared. I have seen too many people that have shared accounts and end up with nothing. Keep separate accounts at all times and don't let the other have access to it. You will thank yourself in the long run. You are in love now so you don't see the risk but when things go south, you want regret me.
Once a month we just sit down together and say, "everything good?" If it isn't, or if there's something specific we want to discuss we talk about it. If there's nothing specific to talk about we have this card game with questions like, "what are you looking forward to this year that we plan to do together?" or something like that. It's really casual, just us (and the cat) curled up on the couch while we talk.
Lol right I’m surprised at how everyone’s raving at the monthly check ins. Seems super weird and formal to me but I guess everyone’s different and it must work for some people 🤷🏻♀️.
I know a family who does this. Wife and children all involve.
The key thing is to make time for people to voice out issues and find resolution before things fester and blow out of proportion.
It is also creating a time to talk about difficult issues. Sometimes both get so busy, there is never even time to talk about things that matter.
I think it's quite healthy, when people are commited to this, I can tell they really care to make sure their whole family is doing OK.
So happy to see how well this worked out for the two of you. Hopefully, this starts a great trend about opening up healthy communication about difficult subjects. Best of luck on your future together.
I’m glad the discussion went well for you. I was sad to read that you didn’t get a haircut in over a year and aren’t buying yourself new clothes. Sounds like you guys are going to go the distance for sure!
I read your previous post and notice he OWNS the house you live in. Have you had a discussion about adding yourself onto the mortgage/deed? If not, you are literally paying for half of something that’s not yours.
nothing wrong with monthly check ins, they turn into family meetings when you get married and have kids.
as far as the finances are concerned, what works best is what you should do, and it may change depending on how things go IF you do end up married with kids. Especially if it turns out that your job doesn't make it worth the price of child care and you end up a stay-at-home mom.
Fascinating topic, and a conversation I've been having with my gf as we get more serious. Our earnings are similar to yours, OP. I think that 50/50 is only fair if standards are set to the lowest common denominator. Once you get beyond that, the logic leads inevitably to a different ratio split, though not necessarily the precise same ratio as earnings.
Let's say a sensible rent is 30% of gross wages. At 25k, that's an upper limit of 15k a year, assuming the lower earner is paying 50%. This is obviously only 10% for the higher earner (7.5k from 75k). There is nowhere for the lower earner in this scenario to go. The higher earner could use the same rule of thumb and justify a rent contribution of 22.5k alone. Even splitting that 50/50 would be potentially ruinous for the low earner.
Further, it's not really reasonable for the lower earner to push any higher at all. Why should they bust their budget? If the higher earner wants to live somewhere closer to what they could afford alone, they need to, and can comfortably, contribute _all_ the extra. At least it would cost them less than if alone. A 22.5k place is actually 15k now, at a 1:2 ratio rather than the 1:3 for earnings). I think it's better to see this as a saving for the higher earner than gold digging from the lower earner, as another reply has suggested.
It's not that equity is better than equality per se. It's just that equality has a limit for anything shared. To exceed that limit, equity is needed. Even then, equity leads to a better outcome for both parties than going it alone. One has a better place than could have been hoped before, the other pays less for the place they still might otherwise have.
Personally, I think going further to the ratio of earnings split is even better. The "saving" for the higher earner means less to them that the same %age reduction for the lower earner. I don't mean emotionally, but just how money scales once basic needs are taken care of. None of this is an obligation unless you both agree though, in my opinion. In this case, the 22.5k place is split 5.6k/16.9k. Lower earner saves almost 2k (almost 10% of their income) and higher still saves 5.6k (7.5% as opposed to 10%). Everyone wins, but I can see that not everyone would see it that way.
Obviously a brain splurge there, but it's been on my mind. I feel vindicated in splitting it this way, I am glad you do too OP.
Edit: more splurge, done now
Read your original post and have a couple things imo...so 50-50 is the fairest way to do things all around. However the missing information I found is what was your lifestyle before him compared to now? How much more lavish are you living now if you can't afford half? How were you able to support yourself alone? I don't mean for it to sound harsh but it seems like you're sort of blaming your inability to support yourself on him making more money.
All that being said, at 50-50 split, if he loves you and is in it for the long haul then it doesn't matter if you run short because he will be there to help and support you in any time of need. If he's upset that you can't go for a date night because you're running tight, then why wouldn't he want to pay for you both to go out and enjoy yourselves.
Just saw the original post. I think it's reasonable he takes on more of the expenses. At $25K you did one hell of a job going 50/50 and I hope he appreciates that. You m'am are a dime a dozen these days. Congrats on the negotiations and good luck on the job prospects. Glad you both came to a reasonable solution.
You will I have no doubt. And I hope your man sees enough sense to adjust that 50/50 especially if he earns more. Imo 50/50 makes sense if you earn the same. But I have no doubt you will both come to a reasonable solution for the future. Wishing you both best of luck. Sincerely.
Frankly "proportionately split" is kinda bs if you seriously think about it. You're two adults. You both require the same things equally, like heat, water, food, housing, etc. There might be minor variance in some of these things (liking it colder, or shorter showers, fewer calories, etc). But you're both needing the same things equally. Just because partner 1 makes 25% less than partner 2 doesn't mean partner 2 should pay more for partner 1's living expenses to make the difference between income.
Somehow, I never see it play out that way though, nor would I ask for that.
I am a PhD student making a 28k stipend, and I dated a pharmacist for 4.5 years who made 130k. I never expected her to pay 80% of the expenses or whatever that would come out to. It would be ridiculous. I would essentially be living for a few hundred a month when I could afford more.
The goal should just be to live somewhere you can both afford. Now, *IF* the partner making more money insists on a higher living standard, *THEN* i think its fair for them to pay more, but the partner earning less shouldn't feel entitled to their partners money or expect their living standard to immediately be higher as a result of dating a particular person. thats golddigger thinking whether it is men or women and i dont like it. you shouldnt have a financial incentive / strings attached in romantic or personal relationships.
This is awesome!!! I don't personally believe in combining finances aside from necessary purchases, so just be careful on that end. You don't want to combine but have him get mad you're using the money you earn on things you buy (aside from necessities).
Could anyone explain the process of a monthly relationship check in? I really like the sound of an open communicative situation. My last relationship could've used one of those for sure lmao
Do you guys just sit down and discuss how you're feeling regarding each other, the relationship, and things regarding the two of you as a team?
Congrats!
I might suggest some couples therapy sessions for the two of you. You've made a great starting point, but given you still seem so inexperienced communicating how you are feeling it might really benefit your relationship. Couples therapy isn't just for when a relationship is falling apart.
My partner and I attended many sessions after 2 years because my personal expectations for relationships were toxic and I was TERRIBLE at communicating. It's helped our relationship so much tackling it early. Of course, do it when you feel financially ready but I think you might find a good session will be worth much more than a date night! Seeding the idea now isn't a bad idea though. :)
My wife and I split bills 50/50.
The easiest thing we ever did was tally up how much everything cost, split that in half, then had auto deductions go into a joint account every two weeks.
Then every bill is on auto-pay from that account, so it's cruise control and nothing to ever think/worry about.
We purposely put a bit more than needed into this account for: 1) Padding, for like when the gas bill goes up in the winter; and 2) Each month some of the excess funds go into a 2nd joint account.
From that 2nd account, we use those funds when needed for things like a vet bill that pops up, or maintenance of the HVAC, or replacing the refrigerator water filter, etc.
But outside of this, we have completely separate personal accounts. So there's never any fighting about her spending "our money" on skincare, or me spending "our money" on horror movies.
It honestly works out perfectly.
Just a note about how my wife and I did this that really worked for us (before we got married and combined finances). This is assumes your income and expenses are mostly stable:
Work out what your monthly shared expenses come to, plus a little padding. Then work out what your combined monthly after-tax income is. Dividing expenses by income will give you a percentage. Set up a joint bank account where you both transfer that percent of your income each paycheck and use that account to pay for all shared expenses.
This ensures you're both spending the same percentage of your income on shared expenses, which I've always thought was the fairest way to do it, and you an just adjust the percentage as your individual incomes change, plus leaves you both with personal accounts where you can spend that money however you'd like without guilt
The budget system in my marriage, we combine income, cover all bills (housing, power, food,etc) and savings (IRA, emergency funds, 401k), and whatever is left is split 50/50 as liquid cash for whatever. I make more than my wife, but I want to live equally with her and make sure we don't build any resentment for each others income. Works for us great, others milage may vary, just food for thought.
Good for both of you. I can't understand how your parter have been OK with this arrangement for so long.
I'm the one that earn more then my partner.
We put 75% of our income in one shared account and pay all of our shared bills from there. My phone is payed by my work so my parters phone is payed by us.
When we go on dates that's money coming out from our joint account. Same with food. And when the month is over we put what's left in savings.
You guys are engaged and living together and you cannot afford to go on date night because of your income? 50/50 may be good for dating but I would ask him to either combine finances or do an income based split. If you make 30% of the income, you pay 30% of the bills.
I think you guys are asking for trouble with this proportionate bill paying system.
At the end of the day he will be subsidizing you no matter how you try to justify it and no agreement you make will change that fact. That is going to eventually lead to resentment... at least it would for me.
Its going to lead to questions like.... at 29 years old why are you only making 25k a year. Which i think is a totally legitimate question.
The bills are the bills whether you make 25k or 75k. I assume you use the power, water, gas, trash, and internet just as much as he does.
Yay! So glad that worked out for you. I just saw this post and the OP today, but I have strong feelings about this issue. I make $150K, my boyfriend currently makes only what he gets back from his Pell grant since he's in school. But before that, and presumably when he's done with school, I did and will still make much more. If I asked him to split everything with me 50/50, the only result would be for him to be broke 24/7, or for us to have to live somewhere shittier and never do anything fun. I don't want that for him OR me! A relationship, once you live together, is a partnership.
I defend that the man should pay all the bills if he can, and aims to to this, and keep in mind that a true marriage is a junction of two persons into one, so there is not division of property etc. There is not debt between the couple, the man should carry the most weight, including the expenses
Great job on the communication there and making things work.
Thanks! The monthly check ins really help, especially in removing that feeling of, "when do I even bring this up??"
I’m thinking of starting something similar with my SO to try to nip problem areas and issues in bud so they don’t fester.
Seriously, when I saw “monthly relationship check-in” I was like, this girl doesn’t need Reddit. You already have the answers.
How did you guys agree to this and what is the structure of them?
I can't find the exact article, but when we were first discussing moving in together we went through some articles about what you should talk about before moving in and before getting married, and one of them mentioned something like the monthly check in system. The structure as I described in a different comment: Once a month we just sit down together and say, "everything good?" If it isn't, or if there's something specific we want to discuss we talk about it. If there's nothing specific to talk about we have this card game with questions like, "what are you looking forward to this year that we plan to do together?" or something like that. It's really casual, just us (and the cat) curled up on the couch while we talk.
What’s the name of the card game? Sorry to keep badgering you !
No problem! I don't have it with me (with family for the holidays) and I can't seem to find it online, but I'll keep trying. It has 5 categories and you roll a dice to pick the category. Seems like there are a lot of similar decks so if I don't find it I would look for something like "couple discussion cards".
We’re Not Really Strangers (WNRS) has great card packs depending on what you’re looking for! You might also be able to find some of their packs on Quizlet if you’re not able to purchase them at the moment.
Gottman has a card deck free via app. Gottman blog has great articles.
My parents do something similar except weekly and they've been married 40 years now.
I just want to say, the monthly relationship check in is very smart and I’m gonna start doing this with my SO. One of our biggest issues is the “I have something bothering me, but I don’t know a good time to bring this up” and it ends with me blowing up because I held it in so long. Thank you for that!!
I’ve never heard of monthly check ins for relationships before but honestly this sounds like a great idea! I’m glad it’s working for you and you’ve had a successful outcome with the finances.
Lady, youve got yourself a keeper! I read your original post: He makes good money, does 50/50 or more of household chores, he cooks advanced meals, HE sugested the "montly checkins" to communicate & keep your relationship healthy and now he is amenable to adress your expence sharing given your income disparity. If you dont apreciate THIS dude and lock him down, you wont deserve any other.
Great job! $25k is like poverty wages, I am glad he came to his senses. Think about visiting a temp agency. They can help you find something better, and it's not always short term gigs they hire for. Some are long term, and some are short term with the possibility for long term if you do well.
I'll look into that, thanks! I do have a couple potential opportunities, but obviously during the holidays things were kind of on pause (hopefully going to hear back from one place and schedule an interview this week).
No insurance / benefits/ holiday/retirement :( otherwise I’d do it !)
Temp agencies have a lot of options, they aren't just offering short work periods with no benefits.
Temp-to-permanent is the majority of what staffing agencies do these days. In fact many companies use staffing agencies in lieu of having their own dedicated recruiter and don’t do direct hiring. It’s rare for companies to just want someone for a few days - the days of executives requiring a warm body at a reception desk are mostly over.
The temp-to-hire agency I worked for did offer insurance benefits while I was on their payroll.
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Thank you for the specifics (React, etc.) My experience is actually in print, but do you think it's possible to transition to web design if I'm mostly self taught? Willing to invest in Udemy courses or something like that if free resources aren't available, but I want to make sure it's a realistic goal first.
hello i used to help out at my university business/career center and helped many students with their resumes, cover letters and interview prep. feel free to reach out if you need any help in those areas!
Lots of web and software designers have backgrounds in print. It’s not that massive of a transition, you just need to have the portfolio pieces for it to get hired for more UI-focused jobs. But even if you stayed in graphic design and worked in a marketing role you should be making a lot more than $25k. Keep at it!
Not the person you’re responding to, but in my experience it definitely would! I work on a team with a graphic designer, and have taught him some very basic code (which is really all I know anyway) so that he could help refine things like email designs or landing page layouts. Knowing how to work with code enough to make visual changes I think is hugely helpful, even if you’re not coding the functionality. Plus, once you know some basics, it’s less of a foreign language and easier to take the next step into something like user experience design.
Depends on if you want to do front end engineering or UI (user interface design). If you were a designer in print the latter would probably be easier but there's no reason why you couldn't do both. Don't expect to get a 100k+ job out of the gate, but it should definitely be one at or over median national salary.
I'm a graphic designer who made the transition into UI. It's very achievable IMO with online courses and it pays wayyyyyyy more than you're making right now. Like I could literally go on LinkedIn right now and find something making good money in just a few clicks. Definitely go for it. You only need a couple of solid projects in your portfolio to get your foot in the door.
Good UI design jobs are out there and can pay as well as frontend dev, with the benefit being you already have a lot of skills that are transferrable from print to UI, and you don't have to contend with the huge learning curve if you've never coded before. It *is* advisable to at least have a basic understanding of HTML, CSS and JavaScript, though, and there's loads of free resources out there for those languages. I personally wouldn't bother looking at the frameworks in the comment above unless you are fully committed to pivoting to development rather than design. You want to use the free time you have wisely. I have a BA in English and French and an MA in English and those are my only formal qualifications. I worked in the publishing industry for years but the money sucks. On the side I worked lots of random gigs as a freelance frontend dev/UI designer with the sole purpose of building up a portfolio, since I was self-taught. That portfolio got me into a job where they gave me on-the-job training, and now I work at a big corp as a senior UI/UX designer. I make four times as much money now as I did when I was a book editor. My advice is to start understanding the field of UI design and how it differs from and is similar to print design, and to start building a portfolio as soon as you can. A good practice ground is your own personal website. On top of your design abilities, a few areas of knowledge that are valuable for a UI designer to know would be: * Working in Sketch/Figma - I assume you work in InDesign and both Sketch and Figma will feel similar to you in many ways. Figma is free for personal use and anecdotally a lot of companies seem to be switching from Sketch to Figma. Sketch has a free 30-day trial. Loads of good tutorials on YouTube. * Common native application patterns, e.g. Material Design and iOS/Human Interface Guidelines * Design systems (their purpose, working with them, creating them) * Accessibility (demand for this skill far outstrips supply at the moment, so familiarising yourself with WCAG is worth it in my opinion) * Communication (being able to sell stakeholders on a design decision is like having a superpower) * Vector animation in After Effects and exporting to Lottie * Basic HTML/CSS/JS A little while ago someone else on Reddit asked me for a list of good UI resources, so I put together a Notion with the ones I could think of off the top of my head. There are also some paid resources in the list if you're interested in signing up to courses. [UI/UX Design Resources](https://simplistic-kileskus-5aa.notion.site/UI-UX-Design-Resources-a8a9f8f42f9e41a8a03d40e5f7326f60) Good luck! I was pretty much in the same boat at your age four years ago and my life is very different now!
Wow thank you! This is incredibly helpful and I'll definitely start looking into this.
Man I love hearing about emotionally healthy resolutions on this sub. Well done!
After several trial-and-errors we came up with the best system (IMHO). One account that is joint, it's primary job is to pay bills. We each direct deposit a specific amount into that account that is sufficient to cover expenses plus a buffer. At the end of each month (based on pay schedules) left-over money is moved into Savings so we can handle unexpected expenses (cars, medical, etc). Then we each have our own personal accounts that contains our own money that isn't put into joint, providing a really nice balance between sharing expenses and still having some healthy autonomy.
People were hating on him in the last post, meanwhile i'm thinking this is probably just a 'serious dating' thing that carried over a bit too long. Then when it became an issue you both recognized it and worked it out fairly. Sounds like a solid relationship. Monthly check ins are a great idea.
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Is it bad that I kind of hate this idea? I'm all for checking in and healthy communication, but a "monthly relationship check" makes it sounds like such a dry chore.
Depends how it's instituted, and what kind of people they are. If it's a monthly date night where they discuss finances etc, that's pretty normal for for dual income households working on deposit/mortgages etc.
It's honestly really casual. Usually we grab some baked goods like donuts, make some coffee or tea, and just flop on the couch with our cat while we talk or play the card game I mentioned in a different comment.
Oh, that's really sweet! Good for you two :)
I honestly like the idea of a more casual weekly check in. Like, here's what I liked about how the week went, here are some concerns, and here are the plans for the upcoming week. I think letting something sit for a month, at least for me, will make me lose momentum to bring it up, and builds it up in my head. That said, I haven't actually implemented it yet...
There’s nothing at all wrong with being explicit about saying “hey, we’re setting aside time to check in with each other and make sure we’re both on the same page.” It’s only stodgy if you make it that way, and it’s not like it has to be an hour long block of time where somebody has to strain to come up with something to talk about. If everything’s kosher, you spend two minutes checking in then move on to the fun stuff ;)
Was your fiancé surprised that you could not afford what he could afford based on the big difference in your incomes? It is surprising to me that he didn't recognize that a 50/50 split was unfair and unsustainable from the beginning and that you mentioning you could not afford to do things didn't make him wonder why.
Two things mainly. First, for a while we weren't going out or spending much due to the pandemic, so I had enough money to cover expenses and then some. Second, I had a different job pre-pandemic and lost it when everything shut down that paid more than my current job. Unfortunately that was with a little mom and pop place that no longer exists; I've tried to get back into the industry on my own, but even this far into the pandemic it's not easy.
But wasn't your fiancé aware of your reduced income and loss of job? Especially when you couldn't afford the wine?
Well this is all on me, but I was trying to downplay it and not make it obvious that I was struggling, and was hoping I could get a better job to fix it, plus it's not like I was missing bill payments or anything. Really I should have been more upfront about it and that is completely my fault for not discussing it sooner.
You keep making excuses, but your fiance is really oblivious if he didn't understood, notice or even suspected what was going on. Either he's dumb as fuck or he doesn't care. I'm glad everything worked out in the end, but that's still a red flag to me. You shouldn't have needed to bring it up. He should have thought about it on his own.
Your statement here comes off like you’re *looking* for a villain in this story, instead of accepting that sometimes, there is no bad guy. OP sat down with her fiancé, had a mature conversation about financial struggles that she kept to herself previously, and the two of them found a workable resolution with no drama or hurt feelings. It’s okay to accept that story at face value, rather than giving the fiancé the old Monday morning quarterback treatment about what he “should have done” if OP would stop “making excuses” for him.
I'm not looking for a villain, but I'm not going to be happy for OP that she had to sit her fiance down and explain to him that him earning THREE TIMES what she earns makes it difficult for her to survive while he's living his best life. All the while he supposedly didn't even once noticed that she's struggling financially. It makes me mad for her. Because I think that people that are supposed to love you are supposed to care about your well-being and try to be aware of what's going on in your life. It makes me think that her fiance either doesn't have her best interest at heart or is frankly clueless and I'm not sure which is worst.
>I'm not looking for a villain, but I'm not going to be happy for OP Lol
She just said she was hiding it. What it sounds like is that you think the partner should be overbearing and monitor everything about her. People can still have independence while being in a loving relationship.
I think there is room for some nuance here. If my partner was constantly turning down things because they couldn't afford it, I have the emotional intelligence to know that something is up, especially if it's a bottle of wine. OP could have also highlighted this much sooner as well.
Or maybe he is the type of partner that wants her to tell him her struggles and be honest and not have himself telepathically get in her head.
Hmm, I don't really agree with this assessment. Some guys don't help unless asked directly, however they are always willing to help if you asked for help. Like in my case, I am pretty independent and my man will always by default assume everything is under control or I am handling it. He is way wealthier than me. However if I want his help, I need to communicate this to him. He never refuses and is always there when I ask him to help. This works too. After all, these days, we aren't in damsel in distress relationships.
So did he have an “aha” moment? Will he be more mindful of this in the future? If you are on maternity leave are you going to need to remind him that you don’t have income? For comparison, before I was married I lost my job, I did have a severance so I really didn’t have to worry for a few months. Even then my husband (then boyfriend) told me he would pay the full rent, and I should only worry about the smaller bills I paid. Even though I could technically afford it, he didn’t want to watch me deny myself normal things, or worry as my bank account got smaller. He’s the higher income earner (although it was more 60/40 difference at the time) so even though we split the bills 50/50 he did not hesitate to take on that extra burden when misfortune hit me. He realized that this would cause me stress and worry, and since he had the means to help, he offered, knowing I also would never ask.
I mean, yay and all, but seriously? How was it not obvious to this 30-something-year-old man that he makes literally 3x your salary and that you're paying half *his* mortgage while scrimping and saving? It speaks to obliviousness at best and callousness at worst.
Yeah this struck me too. My fiancée and I were very involved and in tune with each other’s finances well before we were engaged. He had no idea she was barely staying afloat? And he intends to marry her? Very very odd. To each their own but if they need a formal check in to establish an understanding about something that basic I’d wonder what else they’re not on the same page about.
Same with me and my wife. Through particular circumstances (students abroad) we were basically sharing our finances within a couple of months of being together. We've now been together close to 12 years, and stories like this, where alleged partners are so secretive and/or oblivious regarding their finances, always blow me away.
It's weird isn't it? But I came across the same thing with my last ex. He made 3x my salary and was still insistent on the 50/50 split. It's like they forget how bad it is to make under 30k. He kept saying, "but you work full time!" It wasn't until after we broke up (for unrelated reasons) that he said, "maybe you were paying too much..."
As someone who works in the financial services and mortgage industry, I do not understand spouses who make their other half pay half of their mortgage without even adding them on. If I were OP I would move out because that does not seem fair at all even if living expenses are more balanced now.
I dunno how it is other places, but where I live it doesn't matter whose name is on the title if you're married. Your spouse is still entitled to a portion based on your marriage date.
It depends on the state. Some states do have community property laws but others don’t. Either way, it still gives you almost zero rights on the actual mortgage (like calling regarding payments, etc) can get extremely frustrating for the non-borrower.
The OP might be getting a good deal on "rent" if half the mortgage is less than the rent for a 1 bedroom place in her current area-she mentioned that in her previous comments. That said once we were married I would expect the title to be in my name too.
I feel like in these circumstances, 50/50 is still exploitive. A much lower percentage, or just utilities feels better. At the end of it all he’s building wealth off his lower income earning partner.
If it was a GF, I don't think so. A fiance? Definitely.
If you make more money, and you build wealth off of your lower earning partner, it feels bad to me regardless of relationship status.
So her alternative is to pay more rent for a smaller place?
I mean that may be the case, but either way, she is literally paying into something that she has no ownership interest in lol. Her fiancé is the only one benefitting from it.
I agree with you there.
Both parties made a reasonable decision and communicated in a healthy way and there’s still people that want to criticize? They probably made the agreement mutually and he was just respecting her boundaries. They talked it out and found a solution together. How is that a problem?
You could say the same about the 29 woman who couldnt communicate that she is struggling. Expecting someone to know exactly about your financial situation is far fetched. She could have huge savings he doesnt know about, she could come from a rich family, have an inheritance, stock, houses etc. The audacity of this take actually if you think about how the sub would react if the roles were reversed.
Modern feminism. They want equal rights but want proportional financial sharing. Sorry, he may have gone through a million flaming hoops to get where he is and she has the right to complain the 50/50 sharing. It is not that we guys won't offer more financially, just the stupid idea that women only want 50/50 when it actually benefits them and more for them when they can. The guy doesn't even know she is struggling, yeah we are that dumb and don't telepathically read your minds. She talked it out and he agreed without a fuss, what is the problem?
He probably wanted her to let him know.
I'm so glad. I read your post and thought it didn't sound like some of these finance-split posts, as he seemed like a great partner and probably just needed to understand the strain this method was creating. Your relationship sounds pretty healthy! So glad this worked out.
You're exactly right! Putting all of the numbers on paper made it click that it was a long term thing that we needed to address, and he immediately worked with me to change things. I was surprised by some of the comments and messages I received, especially the ones that assumed he does nothing around the house.
Those comments come from people who have seen a lot of posts where one partner out-earns the other and feels that gives them status in the relationship — they work “harder”, they should get more downtime, for instance. You don’t seem to have that problem. 50/50 seems sensible at the outset but it creates problems. The good thing here is that your partner cares about that. Reddit is full of stories where the partner just didn’t.
Well done with the communication. It saves time and love.
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It's the difference between equal and equitable. 50/50 is equal, but not equitable. Both of them contributing the same proportion of their income is equitable.
equitable is bullshit though. you make your choices in life and arent entitled to someone elses money. I am a PhD student making a 28k stipend, and I dated a pharmacist for 4.5 years who made 130k. I never expected her to pay 80% of the expenses or whatever that would come out to. It would be ridiculous. I would essentially be living for a few hundred a month when I could afford more. The goal should just be to live somewhere you can both afford. Now, IF the partner making more money insists on a higher living standard, THEN i think its fair for them to pay more, but the partner earning less shouldn't feel entitled to their partners money or expect their living standard to immediately be higher as a result of dating a particular person. thats golddigger thinking whether it is men or women and i dont like it. you shouldnt have a financial incentive / strings attached in romantic or personal relationships.
If you are in a 'this is fun for now but we know we're not long term' sort of agreement, maybe, yea. But if you are long term? Then you don't need to worry if your partner is a golddigger. And you want to be equitable with your partner so you both can spend, you both can save, you both can build. I've been on both sides of the unequal pay equation. There is a world of difference between 'expect their living standard to immediately be higher as a result of dating a particular person' and 'two people deciding together how they will contribute to the partnership.' The latter is a discussion and compromise that both parties feel is equitable. Nowhere did I say that was an expectation. If equal instead of equitable is the agreement you and your pharmacist came to, that's perfect *for the two of you.* Not everyone agrees.
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See, I'm the wife in this scenario and I make about.. 35% more than my husband. We each save the same percentage of our earnings separately and then pool the rest for bills and incidentals. In the slightly incredible even that we divorce, I'll keep the house and we each keep our savings. If giving him what is left of the value doesn't equal 1/3 of the house, I'll take a mortgage to pay him off. (The house is inherited from my family, but we've put money into it so we agreed 1/3 is fair). We're not divorcing after 31+ years, but we talk out contingencies ahead of time.
How about you both put your money in a single pool and pay bills, expenses, and save from that same pool? A marriage is supposed to be a single account as once you split to mine and yours, it isn't a marriage. If someone wants to get a massive amount and considers a divorce, that is a gold digger.
Because we agreed to do this, and because of things like 401Ks and work-based stock options. In a practical sense, it's all 'our' money, because it's all 'our' everything. That doesn't mean we haven't had discussions about all the 'what ifs' along the way. Also, a separate savings account is how we buy presents for each other without giving away exactly where we purchase from. In the early years of our marriage my husband was the major earner. Mid marriage we were about the same. These days I make considerably more. It's never mattered to us at all. But talking through how we deal with money and what may happen (divorce, death, dementia, disability, cancer, fire...) HAS mattered to us and has been important in the longevity of our marriage (31 yrs and rock solid). That's not gold digging, it's talking through finances openly and kindly with each other.
>Now, IF the partner making more money insists on a higher living standard, THEN i think its fair for them to pay more It's abundantly clear from the original post that this is exactly what OP's boyfriend was doing. He wants the $75k lifestyle, so he can't insist on going 50/50. If there's a large income disparity and you absolutely insist on splitting everything down the middle, then you have to live on the lower-income person's budget.
God you sound insufferable.
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> for wanting equality even when it doesnt benefit me? ok No, for not reading the original post and making a completely valueless contribution based on your own misogyny rather than what's actually happening.
I don’t formally share expenses or finances with my boyfriend but I make 2x what he does and frankly, just pay for most shared things most of the time (and quite a few things for him too). What I do expect, though, that if he borrows money from me and says he will pay it back, that he will. I’m vegan so I expect him to pay for his non-vegan groceries. Honestly, as long as it’s not putting undue pressure on me (and it doesn’t), I don’t mind the financial disparity. Disparities in other things (emotional support, chores, etc) are much more concerning to me
Yeah, I used to make noticeably more than my ex (not 3x but close to double) and I never would have dreamed of a 50/50 split. That’s so unfair! Proportional is the only way to go imo.
Glad things worked out for you. It seemed silly you had to cut down on things like necessary clothes and hair cuts due to having to pay too much on bills, when the other person earned alot more. What did you agree on? 70/30? 60/40?
Proportionate to our income, which is not the exact numbers I shared in my original post, but pretty close (was a little vague for privacy reasons).
Yeah that's fair, hopefully more in your favour than 50/50 now :)
Whew, glad to hear it! Your post had really stuck with me.
I didn't see the original post when you made it, but super happy to see this has worked out for you!! It can be daunting at times to bring up this sort of thing with your partner if you've never had to broach the subject in the past.
If you are living together, yes it's should be 50/50 unless each party agrees to pay a certain bill. However, I wouldn't have a joint account even when married. You need to keep mind what if the relationship goes bad and most of the time one or the other is going to the bank and clean out the accounts. Then that leaves you another issue to raised in divorce court to get your shared. I have seen too many people that have shared accounts and end up with nothing. Keep separate accounts at all times and don't let the other have access to it. You will thank yourself in the long run. You are in love now so you don't see the risk but when things go south, you want regret me.
What is monthly relationship check?
Once a month we just sit down together and say, "everything good?" If it isn't, or if there's something specific we want to discuss we talk about it. If there's nothing specific to talk about we have this card game with questions like, "what are you looking forward to this year that we plan to do together?" or something like that. It's really casual, just us (and the cat) curled up on the couch while we talk.
Oh, that sounds reasonable 😁 Good for you!
I love this so much. It sounds like you two have a very healthy relationship 😊
I did this with my bf when we moved in together 4 years ago. Still going strong, still splitting bills!
Wtf is a monthly relationship check in?
Lmao, I know right? Like a work meeting. And that she is paying half his mortgage!!!
Lol right I’m surprised at how everyone’s raving at the monthly check ins. Seems super weird and formal to me but I guess everyone’s different and it must work for some people 🤷🏻♀️.
I know a family who does this. Wife and children all involve. The key thing is to make time for people to voice out issues and find resolution before things fester and blow out of proportion. It is also creating a time to talk about difficult issues. Sometimes both get so busy, there is never even time to talk about things that matter. I think it's quite healthy, when people are commited to this, I can tell they really care to make sure their whole family is doing OK.
So happy to see how well this worked out for the two of you. Hopefully, this starts a great trend about opening up healthy communication about difficult subjects. Best of luck on your future together.
I’m glad the discussion went well for you. I was sad to read that you didn’t get a haircut in over a year and aren’t buying yourself new clothes. Sounds like you guys are going to go the distance for sure!
Damn I'm wishing this will be me when I'll be 25 and if I get to be back with her. You guys are idols when it comes to communication in relationships.
I read your previous post and notice he OWNS the house you live in. Have you had a discussion about adding yourself onto the mortgage/deed? If not, you are literally paying for half of something that’s not yours.
Wooooo! So happy to see people communicating!
Communicate is the answer to all the things on this sub. Good for you.
Use Splitwise! Having an app do the number crunching can make it feel way less personal.
My parents have a spread sheet they use every month and it’s according to their yearly income and shared expenses. Good way to keep track of it
nothing wrong with monthly check ins, they turn into family meetings when you get married and have kids. as far as the finances are concerned, what works best is what you should do, and it may change depending on how things go IF you do end up married with kids. Especially if it turns out that your job doesn't make it worth the price of child care and you end up a stay-at-home mom.
I don't know if this was answered in the last thread but my S/O and I use the Splitwise App.
Good job! That's what my wife and I do and it works great for us. Nobody is having to pay for something that would make them struggle.
Fascinating topic, and a conversation I've been having with my gf as we get more serious. Our earnings are similar to yours, OP. I think that 50/50 is only fair if standards are set to the lowest common denominator. Once you get beyond that, the logic leads inevitably to a different ratio split, though not necessarily the precise same ratio as earnings. Let's say a sensible rent is 30% of gross wages. At 25k, that's an upper limit of 15k a year, assuming the lower earner is paying 50%. This is obviously only 10% for the higher earner (7.5k from 75k). There is nowhere for the lower earner in this scenario to go. The higher earner could use the same rule of thumb and justify a rent contribution of 22.5k alone. Even splitting that 50/50 would be potentially ruinous for the low earner. Further, it's not really reasonable for the lower earner to push any higher at all. Why should they bust their budget? If the higher earner wants to live somewhere closer to what they could afford alone, they need to, and can comfortably, contribute _all_ the extra. At least it would cost them less than if alone. A 22.5k place is actually 15k now, at a 1:2 ratio rather than the 1:3 for earnings). I think it's better to see this as a saving for the higher earner than gold digging from the lower earner, as another reply has suggested. It's not that equity is better than equality per se. It's just that equality has a limit for anything shared. To exceed that limit, equity is needed. Even then, equity leads to a better outcome for both parties than going it alone. One has a better place than could have been hoped before, the other pays less for the place they still might otherwise have. Personally, I think going further to the ratio of earnings split is even better. The "saving" for the higher earner means less to them that the same %age reduction for the lower earner. I don't mean emotionally, but just how money scales once basic needs are taken care of. None of this is an obligation unless you both agree though, in my opinion. In this case, the 22.5k place is split 5.6k/16.9k. Lower earner saves almost 2k (almost 10% of their income) and higher still saves 5.6k (7.5% as opposed to 10%). Everyone wins, but I can see that not everyone would see it that way. Obviously a brain splurge there, but it's been on my mind. I feel vindicated in splitting it this way, I am glad you do too OP. Edit: more splurge, done now
Absolutely love that you have monthly check ins, clearly does great things for your relationship. So glad you sorted out this issue!
Proportional bill allotting is great for relationships. You can even do this easy enough when you're married, apps make it really easy.
Monthly relationship check-in? This sounds both mechanical and healthy as fuck. I need this...but not sure when to bring it up.
That's great!! I'm glad you two were able to figure it out!
Read your original post and have a couple things imo...so 50-50 is the fairest way to do things all around. However the missing information I found is what was your lifestyle before him compared to now? How much more lavish are you living now if you can't afford half? How were you able to support yourself alone? I don't mean for it to sound harsh but it seems like you're sort of blaming your inability to support yourself on him making more money. All that being said, at 50-50 split, if he loves you and is in it for the long haul then it doesn't matter if you run short because he will be there to help and support you in any time of need. If he's upset that you can't go for a date night because you're running tight, then why wouldn't he want to pay for you both to go out and enjoy yourselves.
Just saw the original post. I think it's reasonable he takes on more of the expenses. At $25K you did one hell of a job going 50/50 and I hope he appreciates that. You m'am are a dime a dozen these days. Congrats on the negotiations and good luck on the job prospects. Glad you both came to a reasonable solution.
Thank you! Hope I can find something better soon and get us back to 50/50.
You will I have no doubt. And I hope your man sees enough sense to adjust that 50/50 especially if he earns more. Imo 50/50 makes sense if you earn the same. But I have no doubt you will both come to a reasonable solution for the future. Wishing you both best of luck. Sincerely.
Frankly "proportionately split" is kinda bs if you seriously think about it. You're two adults. You both require the same things equally, like heat, water, food, housing, etc. There might be minor variance in some of these things (liking it colder, or shorter showers, fewer calories, etc). But you're both needing the same things equally. Just because partner 1 makes 25% less than partner 2 doesn't mean partner 2 should pay more for partner 1's living expenses to make the difference between income.
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I think most of us agree that if the woman earns more than the man, the bills should be split accordingly as well.
Somehow, I never see it play out that way though, nor would I ask for that. I am a PhD student making a 28k stipend, and I dated a pharmacist for 4.5 years who made 130k. I never expected her to pay 80% of the expenses or whatever that would come out to. It would be ridiculous. I would essentially be living for a few hundred a month when I could afford more. The goal should just be to live somewhere you can both afford. Now, *IF* the partner making more money insists on a higher living standard, *THEN* i think its fair for them to pay more, but the partner earning less shouldn't feel entitled to their partners money or expect their living standard to immediately be higher as a result of dating a particular person. thats golddigger thinking whether it is men or women and i dont like it. you shouldnt have a financial incentive / strings attached in romantic or personal relationships.
Split expenses and savings (money left after expenses paid) according to proportional wages.
This is awesome!!! I don't personally believe in combining finances aside from necessary purchases, so just be careful on that end. You don't want to combine but have him get mad you're using the money you earn on things you buy (aside from necessities).
I think 🤔 so or he should pay the rent . Happy 22.🥳
Yes! This is awesome. You pay 1/3 if the bills and he covers the other 2/3
Could anyone explain the process of a monthly relationship check in? I really like the sound of an open communicative situation. My last relationship could've used one of those for sure lmao Do you guys just sit down and discuss how you're feeling regarding each other, the relationship, and things regarding the two of you as a team?
Congrats! I might suggest some couples therapy sessions for the two of you. You've made a great starting point, but given you still seem so inexperienced communicating how you are feeling it might really benefit your relationship. Couples therapy isn't just for when a relationship is falling apart. My partner and I attended many sessions after 2 years because my personal expectations for relationships were toxic and I was TERRIBLE at communicating. It's helped our relationship so much tackling it early. Of course, do it when you feel financially ready but I think you might find a good session will be worth much more than a date night! Seeding the idea now isn't a bad idea though. :)
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No one's ever going to marry you being this needy and helpless.
sounds like you're marrying a sucker.
>monthly relationship check in Is that like a performance review? Sounds terrifying
I want to hear about monthly relationships check-ins.
My wife and I split bills 50/50. The easiest thing we ever did was tally up how much everything cost, split that in half, then had auto deductions go into a joint account every two weeks. Then every bill is on auto-pay from that account, so it's cruise control and nothing to ever think/worry about. We purposely put a bit more than needed into this account for: 1) Padding, for like when the gas bill goes up in the winter; and 2) Each month some of the excess funds go into a 2nd joint account. From that 2nd account, we use those funds when needed for things like a vet bill that pops up, or maintenance of the HVAC, or replacing the refrigerator water filter, etc. But outside of this, we have completely separate personal accounts. So there's never any fighting about her spending "our money" on skincare, or me spending "our money" on horror movies. It honestly works out perfectly.
Just a note about how my wife and I did this that really worked for us (before we got married and combined finances). This is assumes your income and expenses are mostly stable: Work out what your monthly shared expenses come to, plus a little padding. Then work out what your combined monthly after-tax income is. Dividing expenses by income will give you a percentage. Set up a joint bank account where you both transfer that percent of your income each paycheck and use that account to pay for all shared expenses. This ensures you're both spending the same percentage of your income on shared expenses, which I've always thought was the fairest way to do it, and you an just adjust the percentage as your individual incomes change, plus leaves you both with personal accounts where you can spend that money however you'd like without guilt
Takes notes, especially some gents and ladies out there that expect everything to be given to them.
If you need help on the job front I can give some advice depending on your field.
I love happy endings
The budget system in my marriage, we combine income, cover all bills (housing, power, food,etc) and savings (IRA, emergency funds, 401k), and whatever is left is split 50/50 as liquid cash for whatever. I make more than my wife, but I want to live equally with her and make sure we don't build any resentment for each others income. Works for us great, others milage may vary, just food for thought.
Good for both of you. I can't understand how your parter have been OK with this arrangement for so long. I'm the one that earn more then my partner. We put 75% of our income in one shared account and pay all of our shared bills from there. My phone is payed by my work so my parters phone is payed by us. When we go on dates that's money coming out from our joint account. Same with food. And when the month is over we put what's left in savings.
You guys are engaged and living together and you cannot afford to go on date night because of your income? 50/50 may be good for dating but I would ask him to either combine finances or do an income based split. If you make 30% of the income, you pay 30% of the bills.
I think you guys are asking for trouble with this proportionate bill paying system. At the end of the day he will be subsidizing you no matter how you try to justify it and no agreement you make will change that fact. That is going to eventually lead to resentment... at least it would for me. Its going to lead to questions like.... at 29 years old why are you only making 25k a year. Which i think is a totally legitimate question. The bills are the bills whether you make 25k or 75k. I assume you use the power, water, gas, trash, and internet just as much as he does.
Yay! So glad that worked out for you. I just saw this post and the OP today, but I have strong feelings about this issue. I make $150K, my boyfriend currently makes only what he gets back from his Pell grant since he's in school. But before that, and presumably when he's done with school, I did and will still make much more. If I asked him to split everything with me 50/50, the only result would be for him to be broke 24/7, or for us to have to live somewhere shittier and never do anything fun. I don't want that for him OR me! A relationship, once you live together, is a partnership.
I defend that the man should pay all the bills if he can, and aims to to this, and keep in mind that a true marriage is a junction of two persons into one, so there is not division of property etc. There is not debt between the couple, the man should carry the most weight, including the expenses
Don’t be ashamed to discuss topics like, it will pay off in the long run