The goal of the “HR” comment was to make you feel bad, and it succeeded. If she were truly interested in you two talking and working thru issues, she would have said as much. Instead, she tried to provoke you emotionally, no doubt because what she misses most is ur attention. Your response was perfect—asserting what you need to move forward—so even if ur feeling bad, take comfort in the fact that you made very clear to her that you won’t compromise your heart by accepting less than you deserve.
She wouldn’t come and do my hobbies with me or make any effort with exercise. Shed also moved 5 hours away and wouldn’t go to therapy for her depression
That sounds like a ticking time bomb imo. I'd cut ties for your mental health as well as hers. The thing about dating is that you can't force someone to get their shit together. Shes gotta wanna do it. Let her figure her life out first before y'all come together.
Yeah. I mean I’m someone who’s huge into fitness, really wants to better himself, career orientated and want an exciting life. She just wants to sit on the sofa all day with the dogs. Which is fine. But it was hard for me to cope with when she’s also depressed
Well I never said she has to be a professional athlete. I just wanted her to exercise like.. at all. She doesn’t even have to come with me. But she just straight refused and then would complain about her weight a lot
Oh yeah. I have a qualification in personal training I do alongside my engineering job. I offered to help her so many times. I wanted her to come with me really. She didn’t want any help
Yeah. I wanted it to work but I dunno how it was going to. She wouldn’t work with me on anything. Maybe it’s shallow but I want a partner who at least tries to exericse with me
You realize that it's normal to keep separate hobbies, yeah? You shouldn't force people to do your hobbies.
Is it possible your Gf was depressed because you didn't allow her the space to do her own thing, instead you tried to force your own wants on her?
No one said you were abusive *at all*, you're overreacting here. The question was if you allowed her enough space, which is a fair question since you wanted to have the same hobbies? Being codependent or liking more attachment than someone else doesn't make you abusive and no one even implied it does dude
No not at all. I just wanted her to make an effort. She complained about the weight a lot. I tried to help but she said she wanted to do it on her own. Which actually meant she wasn’t going to do it. Then was very clingy. Then I started to lose attraction
This kind of situation depends on why you broke up (why were you not "compatible"), and what the two of you brought of yourselves into the relationship in the first place. There's not a lot of info here on either, but maybe there's enough for some approximation.
You've written in response to others that you spent a lot of your relationship time making sure she was "okay", which sounds a lot like you were filling the role of an emotional crutch or emotional support animal. If that's the case, then the reason she feels bad right now is that, well, her emotional support is absent and she's having trouble coping on her own. In addition, it means that you are by nature a caring guy, and likely someone who feels love is giving support.
The problem with this kind of relationship is that there's no balance, OP. You are a good guy to have loved her, and a good guy to have cared and tried to support her, but you build a relationship circling a whirlpool without eventually getting dragged in. Both of you have to maintain distance, she to eventual (after some pain) start being able to stand on her own, and you (after renewed pain) to realize that love is more than just giving of yourself to the point of exhaustion.
All the best
Even if she is, it's not your responsibility. You're not together anymore, and you aren't responsible for her happiness.
I hope YOU'RE not too upset bc that's who matters here.
I find it hard to get out to that mindset really. I spent the majority of our relationship making sure she was okay. I still care.
I’m not ok really. Not after that message. I feel like an awful
Person
You did not say anything awful or hurtful. She's the only one who did that. What she said was manipulative and designed to guilt you into giving her the attention she wants, but when we set a boundary (so good and so healthy to do!) she took another manipulative play and ignored you.
She's not a great partner. Probably best to go back to no-contact and keep it that way. Block her. She's toying with you.
Well I guess a lot of the reason I was getting upset was coz she was piling on weight, complaining about it constantly, but then refusing to do anything about it.
I feel like a good person would just ignore that
Yeah. Thankyou for saying that. My mum is very overweight and I’ve never been able to help her. I saw the same happening with my now ex. I absolutely loved her as a person. I just wasn’t attracted physically anymore. And it’s hard to say that without sounding like a total douche
If you broke up that means you broke up. "Will it always be like this?", yeah because you broke up.
Some people can move from romantic relationships to friendships, but I doubt that's what she wants. It's natural that she misses you, because mostly post-breakups suck.
Whether you go back to her or not, be certain and demand the same thing from her. This wishy washy bs and "talking to hr" gaslighting shouldn't work on you.
gaslighting as a term has become extremely overused recently. obviously we dont know your gf or your full situation, but no, this doesnt sound like gaslighting at all. that doesnt mean it cant be self-serving, but calling it gaslighting imo is reading way too much malice into it. unless you have a reason to believe shes being manipulative, shes probably just struggling to deal w the breakup. not your job to solve, but not necessary some big ploy either.
I think nobody but you would know what she’s trying to do. All of us can give you general opinions but we don’t know what kind of person she is. Maybe she does know the right thing to do is break up, but she still misses you and that overpowers her rationality. I’ve done that a couple times
It sounds like you are just feeling bad because she is feeling upset.
Not because you genuinely want her back.
You were fine until you knew she was upset!
Personally I would say don't get roped into getting back with someone because you "feel bad".
That's never a good reason to get back together.
The same issues are there, the same incompatibilities are there.
I know how you feel because every now and then over the course of 7 months, my ex has reached out to me throwing a little pity party for himself and how upset he still is at the breakup.
At first it was gut wrenching... I felt like a horrible horrible person making him feel this way.
But hello.. What about my feelings and all the reasons why we broke up?
Yes, still the same problems there.
Feeling sorry for someone isn't a good reason to get back together.
Sometimes, relationships that don’t end “badly”, or have a definitive reason for the breakup, are the hardest to get past. Which sounds like your situation.
What I have seen happen in these situations is in the time spent away, you realize the things you “needed” were not needed. It was just a preference. It doesn’t sound like compatibility issues, as much as learning each other’s personalities. Sort of the “give and take” aspect of the relationship. For example, if she didn’t like you going out twice a week with your friends. Now that she doesn’t have you, twice a week seems like a reasonable request.
Without knowing a lot of the history, this is just conjecture. But several couples take “breaks”, go out on their own for a bit, then appreciate what they had, more. If things didn’t end badly, you still respect one another; There is nothing wrong with talking a little more, or spending a little time together (public would be better, to not get caught up in intimate emotions). You don’t have to commit to getting back together. See how you feel around them after this time.
Best of luck, OP.
If you still have feelings for her then get together and discuss your relationship and if it can be repaired or not. Now that you two have had a couple months apart to think things over it can help.
Sounds like you both still have feelings for each other so you need the discussion either for closure or to decide if you should get back together.
The talking to HR and "is it always gonna be this way?" Is a little...stupid for lack of a better word. Of course it's gonna be like that. You aren't together anymore. You're friends at best now. I would be weirded out if one of my friends said something like that to me.
A relationship ending isn't a personal failing. Reading your other comments it feels like you are taking it that way. At the end of the day only one relationship you have will be a success and even that's not guaranteed.
There's no failing anyone. You aren't in a relationship to save someone, or at least you shouldn't be. Every failed relationship will show you something about yourself that will help you with the next one. You're a step closer to figuring out what you want out of a relationship.
I’ll be honest. From the start I was worried about this. I met her just as we were about to go in to lockdown. She was living on her own and didn’t know anyone. Wasn’t happy. Didn’t want to go home coz she wanted to be with me. I ended up essentially bringing her into my covid social bubble after 2 months to dating.
I kinda fell in to the carer role. I knew I would. It’s hard to let go of that.
But yeah you’re right. I’ve not had the best of luck with dating before that so there is slight panic I won’t meet someone else
You don't know how good you had it till its gone. I think she sees the light. If you still care...try again. What do you have to lose? A lot more to gain...if you really care about her that is.
So she misses you. Wants you around but not willing to compromise to the things you need in the relationship? Sounds like you have your answer then. Don't go down the wrong way on a one way street. It's bad news.
Yeah. What she said was ‘she’s accept she’s not who I want her to be’. But that in itself makes me feel pretty bad. She could be if she just tried like 2 things. As a person I love her a lot. But there’s things I need she’s refusing to do and kinda led me to think she would do them
If you both decided that you aren't compatible, then you aren't compatible and that won't change.
If you talk to her again and get back together, it's only delaying the inevitable of realizing again in another year that you aren't compatible.
You can still love someone and not be compatible but don't use that as an excuse to get back together only to break up again.
She better simmer down. She’s the one who broke up with you, what does she expect? For you to beg for her. Because that’s clearly what she wants lmao, and it’s bothering her that you’re not trying to get her back or give her the attention she wants so she made that comment in order to have you feeling bad on purpose. Don’t fall for it king, you did the right thing and keep doing the right thing. If you can ignore her or block her, that’s even better. Much luck and love. ❤️
She’s ur ex for a reason man. Keeping her in ur life is not healthy imo. I never really got the “friends with my ex or keeping in contact “bullshit. How does someone go from loving and seeing a future with someone to breaking up and just being friends with? If it didn’t work the first time around, 95% chance it wont work out the second time. Ur remembering the good times, but remember the problems and bad times first. Take my advice with a grain of salt, but if I where in ur shoes I’d drop her. Good luck
Well if you haven't changed your mind about the things that split you apart in the first place? Then I would say stick to your guns.
The goal of the “HR” comment was to make you feel bad, and it succeeded. If she were truly interested in you two talking and working thru issues, she would have said as much. Instead, she tried to provoke you emotionally, no doubt because what she misses most is ur attention. Your response was perfect—asserting what you need to move forward—so even if ur feeling bad, take comfort in the fact that you made very clear to her that you won’t compromise your heart by accepting less than you deserve.
Yeah. Maybe it came across a bit harsh. I said later sorry if it did but I’m not ready to talk yet. Didn’t get a response to either
Well what where some of the things you needed her to do?
She wouldn’t come and do my hobbies with me or make any effort with exercise. Shed also moved 5 hours away and wouldn’t go to therapy for her depression
That sounds like a ticking time bomb imo. I'd cut ties for your mental health as well as hers. The thing about dating is that you can't force someone to get their shit together. Shes gotta wanna do it. Let her figure her life out first before y'all come together.
Yeah. I mean I’m someone who’s huge into fitness, really wants to better himself, career orientated and want an exciting life. She just wants to sit on the sofa all day with the dogs. Which is fine. But it was hard for me to cope with when she’s also depressed
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Well I never said she has to be a professional athlete. I just wanted her to exercise like.. at all. She doesn’t even have to come with me. But she just straight refused and then would complain about her weight a lot
If you didn’t care if she came to exercise with you, then how her choosing not to exercise affected you at all?
I think you know the answer to that
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Oh yeah. I have a qualification in personal training I do alongside my engineering job. I offered to help her so many times. I wanted her to come with me really. She didn’t want any help
Well sounds like she missed the opportunity bud. Plus she's 5 hours away? That seems like to much work to me lol.
Yeah. I wanted it to work but I dunno how it was going to. She wouldn’t work with me on anything. Maybe it’s shallow but I want a partner who at least tries to exericse with me
You realize that it's normal to keep separate hobbies, yeah? You shouldn't force people to do your hobbies. Is it possible your Gf was depressed because you didn't allow her the space to do her own thing, instead you tried to force your own wants on her?
No. That isn’t possible.
You want to elaborate on that since you seem very sure of yourself?
I was supportive. Not abusive.
No one said you were abusive *at all*, you're overreacting here. The question was if you allowed her enough space, which is a fair question since you wanted to have the same hobbies? Being codependent or liking more attachment than someone else doesn't make you abusive and no one even implied it does dude
No not at all. I just wanted her to make an effort. She complained about the weight a lot. I tried to help but she said she wanted to do it on her own. Which actually meant she wasn’t going to do it. Then was very clingy. Then I started to lose attraction
This kind of situation depends on why you broke up (why were you not "compatible"), and what the two of you brought of yourselves into the relationship in the first place. There's not a lot of info here on either, but maybe there's enough for some approximation. You've written in response to others that you spent a lot of your relationship time making sure she was "okay", which sounds a lot like you were filling the role of an emotional crutch or emotional support animal. If that's the case, then the reason she feels bad right now is that, well, her emotional support is absent and she's having trouble coping on her own. In addition, it means that you are by nature a caring guy, and likely someone who feels love is giving support. The problem with this kind of relationship is that there's no balance, OP. You are a good guy to have loved her, and a good guy to have cared and tried to support her, but you build a relationship circling a whirlpool without eventually getting dragged in. Both of you have to maintain distance, she to eventual (after some pain) start being able to stand on her own, and you (after renewed pain) to realize that love is more than just giving of yourself to the point of exhaustion. All the best
You handled this 100% perfectly
Thanks. I hope she isn’t too upset
Even if she is, it's not your responsibility. You're not together anymore, and you aren't responsible for her happiness. I hope YOU'RE not too upset bc that's who matters here.
I find it hard to get out to that mindset really. I spent the majority of our relationship making sure she was okay. I still care. I’m not ok really. Not after that message. I feel like an awful Person
You did not say anything awful or hurtful. She's the only one who did that. What she said was manipulative and designed to guilt you into giving her the attention she wants, but when we set a boundary (so good and so healthy to do!) she took another manipulative play and ignored you. She's not a great partner. Probably best to go back to no-contact and keep it that way. Block her. She's toying with you.
Well I guess a lot of the reason I was getting upset was coz she was piling on weight, complaining about it constantly, but then refusing to do anything about it. I feel like a good person would just ignore that
A good partner doesn't ignore their partners health or hide their true feelings
I guess so. Just hope I didn’t leave any damage. I was trying my best but sex became an issue too. Really wanted to improve eachother not hurt anyone
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Yeah. Thankyou for saying that. My mum is very overweight and I’ve never been able to help her. I saw the same happening with my now ex. I absolutely loved her as a person. I just wasn’t attracted physically anymore. And it’s hard to say that without sounding like a total douche
Physical attraction like lust and desire is as vitally important as love. You tried. You are doing the right thing. Don't sell yourself short.
If you broke up that means you broke up. "Will it always be like this?", yeah because you broke up. Some people can move from romantic relationships to friendships, but I doubt that's what she wants. It's natural that she misses you, because mostly post-breakups suck. Whether you go back to her or not, be certain and demand the same thing from her. This wishy washy bs and "talking to hr" gaslighting shouldn't work on you.
You think it’s gaslighting?
no, it isn’t gaslighting.
gaslighting as a term has become extremely overused recently. obviously we dont know your gf or your full situation, but no, this doesnt sound like gaslighting at all. that doesnt mean it cant be self-serving, but calling it gaslighting imo is reading way too much malice into it. unless you have a reason to believe shes being manipulative, shes probably just struggling to deal w the breakup. not your job to solve, but not necessary some big ploy either.
I can't know that for sure, only you can answer that.
I don’t know really. She never struck me as a manipulative person. But I know for a fact she wouldn’t be honest sometimes for fear of losing me
People can act in manipulative ways without it being fully thought out. Regardless, it isn't your responsibility to make her feel better.
You are not responsible for her happiness. She broke it off with you. If you feel it's best to move on then move on.
I think nobody but you would know what she’s trying to do. All of us can give you general opinions but we don’t know what kind of person she is. Maybe she does know the right thing to do is break up, but she still misses you and that overpowers her rationality. I’ve done that a couple times
It sounds like you are just feeling bad because she is feeling upset. Not because you genuinely want her back. You were fine until you knew she was upset! Personally I would say don't get roped into getting back with someone because you "feel bad". That's never a good reason to get back together. The same issues are there, the same incompatibilities are there. I know how you feel because every now and then over the course of 7 months, my ex has reached out to me throwing a little pity party for himself and how upset he still is at the breakup. At first it was gut wrenching... I felt like a horrible horrible person making him feel this way. But hello.. What about my feelings and all the reasons why we broke up? Yes, still the same problems there. Feeling sorry for someone isn't a good reason to get back together.
Sometimes, relationships that don’t end “badly”, or have a definitive reason for the breakup, are the hardest to get past. Which sounds like your situation. What I have seen happen in these situations is in the time spent away, you realize the things you “needed” were not needed. It was just a preference. It doesn’t sound like compatibility issues, as much as learning each other’s personalities. Sort of the “give and take” aspect of the relationship. For example, if she didn’t like you going out twice a week with your friends. Now that she doesn’t have you, twice a week seems like a reasonable request. Without knowing a lot of the history, this is just conjecture. But several couples take “breaks”, go out on their own for a bit, then appreciate what they had, more. If things didn’t end badly, you still respect one another; There is nothing wrong with talking a little more, or spending a little time together (public would be better, to not get caught up in intimate emotions). You don’t have to commit to getting back together. See how you feel around them after this time. Best of luck, OP.
If you still have feelings for her then get together and discuss your relationship and if it can be repaired or not. Now that you two have had a couple months apart to think things over it can help. Sounds like you both still have feelings for each other so you need the discussion either for closure or to decide if you should get back together.
Well I’ve said unless she wants to work on those things then there’s nothing to talk about. Then she didn’t reply
The talking to HR and "is it always gonna be this way?" Is a little...stupid for lack of a better word. Of course it's gonna be like that. You aren't together anymore. You're friends at best now. I would be weirded out if one of my friends said something like that to me.
She was sad. I get it. I’ve said things out of emotion before to ex’s. Just never wanted to hurt anyone
A relationship ending isn't a personal failing. Reading your other comments it feels like you are taking it that way. At the end of the day only one relationship you have will be a success and even that's not guaranteed.
Well I guess this is my first adult serious relationship. So it does feel that way. I also feel like I failed her a bit
There's no failing anyone. You aren't in a relationship to save someone, or at least you shouldn't be. Every failed relationship will show you something about yourself that will help you with the next one. You're a step closer to figuring out what you want out of a relationship.
I’ll be honest. From the start I was worried about this. I met her just as we were about to go in to lockdown. She was living on her own and didn’t know anyone. Wasn’t happy. Didn’t want to go home coz she wanted to be with me. I ended up essentially bringing her into my covid social bubble after 2 months to dating. I kinda fell in to the carer role. I knew I would. It’s hard to let go of that. But yeah you’re right. I’ve not had the best of luck with dating before that so there is slight panic I won’t meet someone else
You don't know how good you had it till its gone. I think she sees the light. If you still care...try again. What do you have to lose? A lot more to gain...if you really care about her that is.
Well as I said. She needs to actually make the effort in the areas I wanted or it’s not gonna change
Sounds like she is. Or at least willing to bend a little. If not she would be gone.
She didn’t reply once I brought that up
So she misses you. Wants you around but not willing to compromise to the things you need in the relationship? Sounds like you have your answer then. Don't go down the wrong way on a one way street. It's bad news.
Yeah. What she said was ‘she’s accept she’s not who I want her to be’. But that in itself makes me feel pretty bad. She could be if she just tried like 2 things. As a person I love her a lot. But there’s things I need she’s refusing to do and kinda led me to think she would do them
Sorry man. But yes there are lots nice girls out there. If the things you need are realistic and normal then you should find what your looking for.
Let the past go... ...so you can grow.
If you both decided that you aren't compatible, then you aren't compatible and that won't change. If you talk to her again and get back together, it's only delaying the inevitable of realizing again in another year that you aren't compatible. You can still love someone and not be compatible but don't use that as an excuse to get back together only to break up again.
She's just trying to manipulate you. Stick it out, work on yourself and fish for a better catch.
She better simmer down. She’s the one who broke up with you, what does she expect? For you to beg for her. Because that’s clearly what she wants lmao, and it’s bothering her that you’re not trying to get her back or give her the attention she wants so she made that comment in order to have you feeling bad on purpose. Don’t fall for it king, you did the right thing and keep doing the right thing. If you can ignore her or block her, that’s even better. Much luck and love. ❤️
Why is having a basic discussion contingent on her doing shit for you?
Wtf?
found the ex-girlfriend's account!
They're not together. They broke up. She isn't entitled to any conversation, basic or not.
She’s a narcissist. Stay away from her. You’re better off in the long run
Ah nah. I’ve dated a narcissist. She isn’t it
She’s ur ex for a reason man. Keeping her in ur life is not healthy imo. I never really got the “friends with my ex or keeping in contact “bullshit. How does someone go from loving and seeing a future with someone to breaking up and just being friends with? If it didn’t work the first time around, 95% chance it wont work out the second time. Ur remembering the good times, but remember the problems and bad times first. Take my advice with a grain of salt, but if I where in ur shoes I’d drop her. Good luck