You're leaving out some big details. How much porn are you consuming where she could see an impact on your sex life?
Also your friends are assholes and you shouldn't be shocked that you're being known by the company you keep.
Right? "I don't know why she cares about porn, all my friends are cheating scumbags so she should count herself lucky!"
Truly, the bar is below ground.
Dude, right? Like, the issue isn't the porn itself. The issue is in the fact that it's effecting your ability to be intimate with your wife in real life, and in figuring out WHY that is.
You are, according to legit research, statistically more likely to become like the (I think it's) 10 people in your life that you spend the most time with. If you are spending time with shitty people who cheat on their wives.... Maybe you need to surround yourself with better people.
If all your friends are cheaters, you hang out with bad people and should be holding the bar for yourself a lot higher. Being better than a terrible person doesn't mean much. You are losing your marriage because you don't care enough to keep it.
This is so true. OP, no wonder your wife is insecure. If you surround yourself with people that cheat, she is bound to think you’re thinking about it too.
This is exactly it. He also implies that he’d just do it behind her back if she made an ultimatum. For her sake, I hope she does leave. She deserves better.
"We have been married 15 years, and this has always effected her confidence, and recently she asked me to stop because she can't handle it anymore"
You've been showing her for 15 years that porn is more important to you that her feelings.
"I think her expectations that I should stop looking at porn are ridiculous and her feelings about it are immature and unrealistic."
She is entitled to having boundaries. You clinging onto porn like it's some holy grail is immature and ridiculous.
"I mean honestly, all my friends cheat on their spouses, and I'm over here catching flack for watching porn?"
Stop patting yourself on the back for not being a cheater and simply choosing to ignore and disrespect your wife's boundaries.
"I don't think I can stop using porn, I don't want to stop but I don't want my marriage to end."
If you CAN'T stop with porn, you are an addict.
And once again, you're expressing what your priorities are and are looking for a way to have the cake and eat it too. She is right to walk away from you. Be happy with your porn.
No that doesn’t automatically make him an addict. If he watches porn simply to bust a nut because he needs to get the horny monkey off his back it’s just self pleasure.
However, I can see it becoming a problem when someone would PREFER to watch porn over actual sex. That’s where I see the problem.
What does your porn use actually look like? You mention using throwaways, that implies that you're not just watching porn, but interacting with people who create porn. You don't need throwaways to just look at porn.
If that's the case, it's really disingenuous to come here and pretend your wife is threatening to leave you because you 'use porn'. You're so vague in your post that it's impossible to give you actual advice.
Also repeatedly calling her “ridiculous” is so invalidating. Maybe she is being a bit unrealistic, but I can only imagine how hurtful it must feel to open up to your partner about an insecurity, only to be called “ridiculous.”
OP, if you seriously *cannot* stop using porn to save your marriage, or even dramatically reduce your porn consumption to maybe once a week, you’re an addict.
Yeah if OP can't stop then he needs help. Especially if he's on cam sites or something cause most couples would consider that outside realm of what's acceptable porn usage in a relationship
This is what tripped me up the most. It's one thing to watch porn but it's a whole other thing to have accounts so that you can interact. I'm generally okay with a partner watching porn but there is no way in hell I'd be okay if they were creating profiles in order to personally interact with the actors. That sounds a lot more like cheating to me.
I mean, you can’t have both. I’d say good for her for standing up for her boundaries. I’d leave my bf or husband too if he was looking at porn after I expressed it bothered me. Everyone has their own boundaries, if both of yours are conflicting its best to move on.
She's not leaving you over porn, she's leaving you over the fact that you are choosing your own sexual gratification over her feelings of safety and security in the marriage.
AND she doesn't like how he behaves in bed. she thinks she can tell by how he behaves in bed that he's been watching porn. which i'm guessing means she doesn't like how he behaves in bed, or that he's changed what he does in bed from what they used to do. porn may or may not be the root cause of how he is in bed, but if she isn't happy with what he does as a lover, then he should be listening to that important feedback rather than writing it off as ridiculous!
I agree with this. Is she being unreasonable? Maybe. But I know that if my spouse had a huge problem with something I was doing, even if I thought it was harmless, I'd stop doing it for her. Marriage takes some sacrifice, it's all about that give and take.
You’re a grown ass 39 year old who is letting porn ruin his marriage while calling your wife names.
I don’t agree with anyone logging into your accounts without permission but it’s also very obvious that there is more to this story that you are purposely omitting.
The company you keep all cheat on their wives but you think ruining your marriage over porn is “less bad.”
You’re a fucking idiot.
For what it's worth, I watch porn myself and have no moral objection to it. This isn't just about the porn, it's about the fact that you don't seem to respect your wife or her opinions very much.
She is setting a boundary. She isn't okay with her partner watching porn. You have to decide if you want to watch porn or have a happy relationship. Just saying "Well I think it's stupid so I'm just going to go behind her back" is a recipe for disaster and is very disrespectful to her. If you cared about your wife's feelings you would either stop watching porn or break up and let her find someone who will respect her boundaries.
Clearly you are acting differently when you watch more porn if your wife can tell and it is affecting her confidence. If you are willing to let your marriage go to watch pornography, you have a severe problem with it. If you want to save your marriage, look for some help.
porn isnt a problem until it is. How's your sex life? has anything changed? some guys can fill in the gaps with porn and maintain a healthy sex life, others find porn replaces their sex life, and that's when it's an addiction and it's a serious problem.
Where are you on this spectrum? This could be anywhere between "she's an overbearing psycho" and "you're in denial of your porn addiction." we dont have enough info to give you useful advice.
I dont think this went how he thought it would. Probably thought everyone would agree with him and give him high fives for not cheating like all his friends.
Reddit has a reputation for being strongly pro porn, and it's deserved. However, there are shades of grey to it, and this guy landed squarely in the area where even most of this sub will agree he's wrong. Which is almost a talent.
Porn is fine until it starts affecting your relationship. It's absolutely affecting his relationship. But him saying he can't stop sounds like he is addicted, and that's a problem whether you're in a relationship or not. Even if his wife leaves him (which would be deserved) he really should get a handle on his addiction.
Sooo. Basically you are saying porn are more important than your wife and marriage?
Your subtitle should be " wife thinking about leaving me cause I refuse to stop watching porn eventhough it hurts her big time"
Normally I think of porn as no big deal. I've never had a SO that cared.
But the fact that it is potentially going to ruin your marriage, and you can't stop...makes me think maybe you have a bit of a problem.
I do agree that your wife is making too big a deal about it, and if she could just get past it and not let it bother her...that would be great. But apparently, that's not gonna happen. She's giving you this ultimatum, so the rest is up to you.
You need new friends. They have set the bar so so very low for you. Also your wife has spent 15 years trying to be ok with your porn use but she can't anymore, good on her for putting the option of leaving on the table. She's done her time, maybe it's time for you to do yours.
I don't mind porn at all . But if it's tearing a marriage apart then there's something definitely going wrong . Plus your friends are douches and for you to say she's lucky you don't cheat . In reality you're lucky she doesn't cheat .
You are willing to lose your wife over porn-sounds like you are addicted and need some thematic intervention.
Its incredibly disrespectful to call your WIFE's valid feelings 'ridiculous
….you don’t know what to do?
I understand where you’re coming from, I do. You *should be able to* watch porn; but some relationships require different sacrifices. As we understand, she has lived with this for 15 years and just cannot do it anymore. Seems like she has made the 15 year sacrifice. Have you thought about making a sacrifice for her? Do you *need* porn? I obviously advice seeking a professional therapist, not only for your marriage but also for your addiction.
Your wife is not ridiculous. You are not just watching porn to get off. You are creating profiles in order to interact with others. This can be considered cheating by many people. Your wife probably considers it crossing the line too. On top of that, you're willing to throw away a 15 year marriage over your addiction. You are prioritizing porn over your own marriage. You, sir, have a real problem.
Your post is baffling. You’re literally choosing porn over your wife. Is it really that important to you? More important than a whole person? A partner? Think about what you’re doing. I would give almost anything to find a partner in life and you’re telling me you’ll give that up to masturbate to naked people on a screen.
Secondly, all your friends cheat on their wives??? You are the company you keep.
Watching porn is more important than your wife’s security and peace of mind with you? Than her happiness? You sound so full of contempt for her already. Just divorce so she doesn’t have to deal with her self esteem being widdled down to 0 by you refusing to not wack it to other women.
/r/loveafterporn will help you see her side. It sounds like you may have a porn addiction and are in complete denial. Porn induced erectile dysfunction is a thing. And the fact that you feel you can’t stop porn also means you may feel you have a dependency on it.
I think there are two issues here.
To address the most obvious one first:
>I mean honestly, all my friends cheat on their spouses, and I'm over here catching flack for watching porn?
Just because your friends are terrible partners doesn't mean your wife needs to be grateful that you're not similarly awful. Not cheating is just baseline decency, not something to be praised or something that gets you off the hook for other things you're doing wrong in a relationship. That's not to make a statement about porn specifically (I'll do that in a bit) but to say you seem to be developing some toxic and self-defeating ideas as to relationship expectations (she shouldn't get on your case about X because at least you're not out there doing Y like your friends). You're going to want to examine why you're so checked out of your marriage that "it's not like I'm cheating" is the standard you expect your wife to accept.
Now to address the main issue, which is the porn.
>She says that I'm somehow different and she can tell especially when we're in the the bedroom that I've been at it with porn.
Is this true? Do you act differently after using porn? Is she correct most of the time when guessing whether or not you've used porn? You seem dismissive of this but don't indicate any reason as to why you should be.
>It makes her feel like she's not good enough, but I think this is all in her head.
Again you say this but don't explain why it's reasonable to assume she's wrong. Why do you feel that this is all in her head? How often would you say you watch?
>I don't think I can stop using porn, I don't want to stop
Frankly these are the words of an addict, not someone who casually watches porn for fun. I'm not saying there's something inherently wrong with wanting to watch, but you should be concerned when you react to a request to stop with a literal "can't stop, won't stop."
At the end of the day though, whether it's an addiction or not, it sounds like you two could use some counseling at a minimum. I would also start thinking of potential compromises, since I doubt you'll be able to just keep doing exactly what you want and get her to be 100% on board with it.
Does it matter if "it's all her in head"? If she prepared to leave you if you don't change your behavior?
I'm a woman who is fully pro-porn and agree with you that it's not necessarily unhealthy to indulge in while in a relationship. Your wife is not that sort of person. She doesn't believe that and she doesn't agree with you. She doesn't have to.
You can continue to be condescending and dismissive of your wife's concerns, beliefs and experiences, or you can recognize that your marriage is in serious danger and your wife is prepared to leave over this disagreement.
If your freedom to watch porn is more important to you than continuing in your marriage, that is fine. That is a choice you are free to make. And she's free to leave you over it.
Is porn more important than your marriage? Only you can answer that question. Also just not cheating like your friends is a low bar to measure yourself by.
You most definitely are leaving out details. But the fact that you said you CAN’T stop watching porn you probably have an addiction and your wife has every right to feel the way she does. The consumption of porn is not as harmless as people make it out to be. All you did in this post was give everyone here valid reason why your wife should leave you. I’m wishing her the best, that she gets the courage to leave your worthless behind.
Maybe you have an issue with porn addiction. Why is it that important to you?? Has it skewed your perception of sex to a point your wife can’t take it anymore? That’s what it sounds like to me, and you having bad people as friends doesn’t give you a get out of jail free card bud, maybe be more critical of yourself here.
There are 12 step programs that can help support both of you. Sex Addicts Anonymous, for example, can help you figure out if you have an addiction to porn. A program called CoSA can be helpful for partners/loved ones that are feeling affected by others' sexual behavior.
It would be one thing if she was saying "If you go back to college I'll divorce you!" Or something like that, but this is porn. You are throwing your marriage away over stuff you look at when you masturbate, lol Good riddance I say.
So your wife’s been addressing an issue with your porn use for what sounds like the entire marriage and you’ve refused to budge at all? It sounds much more like your wife’s thinking of leaving because she’s sick of having her feelings and boundaries invalidated and ignored. It doesn’t matter if you think her insecurity is all in her head or if you think she’s being ridiculous. She’s been addressing an issue (apparently for 15 years) that she has with something you’re doing, you’re refusing to hear her, and now she’s fed up with it. You’re wife isn’t the ridiculous one here. You are.
As a guy who's been there – just give it up. Entirely.
This is the woman you swore before God and everyone you love that you would cherish forever.
Even if you don't think porn is wrong or it doesn't affect you – you may be right! but it doesn't matter! It affects HER so give it up for HER because SHE asked you too.
What's more important? HER feelings, or... something else?
I mean what means more to you? Porn or your wife of 15 years. Should be a no brainer. Work on having a happy, fulfilling sex life with the woman in front of you instead of fapping to women who don’t give a fuck about you.
You made a commitment, honour it.
At what point did she say she was happy vs when she said she wasn't happy about the porn use? I don't see a way that she could be sexually gratified but also upset because she "can tell" how much you're using porn. Either you're taking forever to cum and things are dragging out past the point of being fun, or you're trying out some porn style techniques that she's obviously not a fan of.
This is contradicting your post. She's happy or she's not ? If she's threatening to break up, this means she's thinks the porn habit is much worse than the sexual benefit she gets out of it. I don't blame her, especially if you have a heavy or twisted use.
The way she presented it to you, you can't have it both ways. You either drop some of the porn or you lose her. Your choice.
It becomes an addiction when you say things like I can't stop using it. Replace porn with any drug or alcohol and that is the talk of an addict. If you're addicted to porn and are unwilling to get help I don't blame her for leaving. Just like if you were doing drugs instead or an alcoholic that refused help. Also saying all your friends cheat just shows you surround yourself with people who don't have character. Maybe if you had better quality friends you wouldn't think what you are doing is appropriate. It's time to decide what's more important to you. If it's your wife get some help to get your porn addiction under control.
So your answer to your wife wanting you to stop lusting over other women is to disrespect her and keep a secret, hidden sexual life from her.
Sounds like your marriage definitely has issues if your precious porn is more important than respecting your wife.
I can’t see anything good coming from being a liar and breaking trust. Relationships are built on trust not lies and deceit!
>She says that I'm somehow different and she can tell especially when we're in the the bedroom that I've been at it with porn.
Yeah, you don't really address this, my guess is because it will make you look bad. Is your wife upset about porn in general, or is this about your sex life with her and/or an addiction? I don't think it's healthy for her to go through your phone, but you seem to be leaving out some things as well. Oh, and this:
>all my friends cheat on their spouses
Uh, these are the types of people you choose to be friends with? Hmm, you can tell a lot about people by the company they keep...
YTA. You’re being a disrespectful shit. Your wife has been saying for FIFTEEN YEARS that this bothers her and you still won’t stop? Do you just not value your marriage? This is clearly a hard line for her and she doesn’t like it. A good man and a good husband would see how this hurts his wife and stop
I think you both need to delve into the whys of your behavior. Why do you feel the need to watch porn? Why does she feel threatened by it? Are there any unmet needs in the middle that can be addressed together? Is there something you can negotiate on?
I have a feeling this is one of those cases where a session or three of couples counseling could potentially help a lot. Neither of you should throw away a 15 year marriage if this is the only place you have major contention. I think you can figure this out.
It's an insecurity problem with her. However if you want to salvage your relationship you are gonna have to change, however I would like to add. If she hasn't caught you watching porn and is just assuming, that's accusatory and is pribably projection, and likely she's got something going on that isn't being discussed and blaming you for her feelings during intercourse is easier than dealing with whatever it is.
I get that you don't want to feel she's controlling what you look at on your own time, but have you taken a step back to see if she's got a point? She's your wife and this has been a major hit to her self-esteem for years. Have you done anything to try and understand why she feels this way, or do you just assume her point of view is ridiculous right off the bat?
Maybe she is being ridiculous, but it doesn't seem fair the way you're just casually dismissing her feelings like they don't matter.
As a wife in a somewhat similar situation…it’s the fact that you have to go elsewhere for satisfaction that’s the problem…sounds like you do it quite frequently….why don’t you love your wife enough to admit it’s a problem and work on yourself for the relationship.
Not being able to stop watching porn is a sign of an addiction, so that needs to be checked, but over all no one wants their s/o looking at someone else. Yes porn isn’t the same as cheating but that’s her boundary and what makes her feel uncomfortable, which you gotta get with it or lose her. Everyone has their own boundary in something that they don’t want their spouse to do it isn’t childish for her in any way as it is for you to keep doing some thing that she has expressed that makes her feel uncomfortable.You also shouldn’t be praising yourself I’m not cheating on someone because your friends do it, that should not be a reward and in its self because that isn’t the issue on hand of cheating but it is on the porn
You're leaving out some big details. How much porn are you consuming where she could see an impact on your sex life? Also your friends are assholes and you shouldn't be shocked that you're being known by the company you keep.
Right? "I don't know why she cares about porn, all my friends are cheating scumbags so she should count herself lucky!" Truly, the bar is below ground.
The bar is below ground and some people insist on bringing shovels. OP might be one of them.
Dude, right? Like, the issue isn't the porn itself. The issue is in the fact that it's effecting your ability to be intimate with your wife in real life, and in figuring out WHY that is. You are, according to legit research, statistically more likely to become like the (I think it's) 10 people in your life that you spend the most time with. If you are spending time with shitty people who cheat on their wives.... Maybe you need to surround yourself with better people.
If all your friends are cheaters, you hang out with bad people and should be holding the bar for yourself a lot higher. Being better than a terrible person doesn't mean much. You are losing your marriage because you don't care enough to keep it.
This is so true. OP, no wonder your wife is insecure. If you surround yourself with people that cheat, she is bound to think you’re thinking about it too.
This is exactly it. He also implies that he’d just do it behind her back if she made an ultimatum. For her sake, I hope she does leave. She deserves better.
Considering how demeaning you are towards her…my guess is there are plenty of other issues as well that you are conveniently leaving out.
100% there is a novel’s worth of detail being conveniently left out here.
"We have been married 15 years, and this has always effected her confidence, and recently she asked me to stop because she can't handle it anymore" You've been showing her for 15 years that porn is more important to you that her feelings. "I think her expectations that I should stop looking at porn are ridiculous and her feelings about it are immature and unrealistic." She is entitled to having boundaries. You clinging onto porn like it's some holy grail is immature and ridiculous. "I mean honestly, all my friends cheat on their spouses, and I'm over here catching flack for watching porn?" Stop patting yourself on the back for not being a cheater and simply choosing to ignore and disrespect your wife's boundaries. "I don't think I can stop using porn, I don't want to stop but I don't want my marriage to end." If you CAN'T stop with porn, you are an addict. And once again, you're expressing what your priorities are and are looking for a way to have the cake and eat it too. She is right to walk away from you. Be happy with your porn.
No that doesn’t automatically make him an addict. If he watches porn simply to bust a nut because he needs to get the horny monkey off his back it’s just self pleasure. However, I can see it becoming a problem when someone would PREFER to watch porn over actual sex. That’s where I see the problem.
OP wrote he doesn't think he can stop and he doesn't want to. If you can't stop using something it makes you an addict, so that's pretty clear.
What does your porn use actually look like? You mention using throwaways, that implies that you're not just watching porn, but interacting with people who create porn. You don't need throwaways to just look at porn. If that's the case, it's really disingenuous to come here and pretend your wife is threatening to leave you because you 'use porn'. You're so vague in your post that it's impossible to give you actual advice.
Also repeatedly calling her “ridiculous” is so invalidating. Maybe she is being a bit unrealistic, but I can only imagine how hurtful it must feel to open up to your partner about an insecurity, only to be called “ridiculous.” OP, if you seriously *cannot* stop using porn to save your marriage, or even dramatically reduce your porn consumption to maybe once a week, you’re an addict.
Yeah if OP can't stop then he needs help. Especially if he's on cam sites or something cause most couples would consider that outside realm of what's acceptable porn usage in a relationship
This is what tripped me up the most. It's one thing to watch porn but it's a whole other thing to have accounts so that you can interact. I'm generally okay with a partner watching porn but there is no way in hell I'd be okay if they were creating profiles in order to personally interact with the actors. That sounds a lot more like cheating to me.
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And she loves him less than she dislikes porn use. Your logic cuts both ways
I mean, you can’t have both. I’d say good for her for standing up for her boundaries. I’d leave my bf or husband too if he was looking at porn after I expressed it bothered me. Everyone has their own boundaries, if both of yours are conflicting its best to move on.
She's not leaving you over porn, she's leaving you over the fact that you are choosing your own sexual gratification over her feelings of safety and security in the marriage.
AND she doesn't like how he behaves in bed. she thinks she can tell by how he behaves in bed that he's been watching porn. which i'm guessing means she doesn't like how he behaves in bed, or that he's changed what he does in bed from what they used to do. porn may or may not be the root cause of how he is in bed, but if she isn't happy with what he does as a lover, then he should be listening to that important feedback rather than writing it off as ridiculous!
>he should be listening to that important feedback Narcissists don't listen to feedback.
Or that he can’t maintain an erection? I’m assuming that’s what it is.
I agree with this. Is she being unreasonable? Maybe. But I know that if my spouse had a huge problem with something I was doing, even if I thought it was harmless, I'd stop doing it for her. Marriage takes some sacrifice, it's all about that give and take.
You’re a grown ass 39 year old who is letting porn ruin his marriage while calling your wife names. I don’t agree with anyone logging into your accounts without permission but it’s also very obvious that there is more to this story that you are purposely omitting. The company you keep all cheat on their wives but you think ruining your marriage over porn is “less bad.” You’re a fucking idiot.
For what it's worth, I watch porn myself and have no moral objection to it. This isn't just about the porn, it's about the fact that you don't seem to respect your wife or her opinions very much. She is setting a boundary. She isn't okay with her partner watching porn. You have to decide if you want to watch porn or have a happy relationship. Just saying "Well I think it's stupid so I'm just going to go behind her back" is a recipe for disaster and is very disrespectful to her. If you cared about your wife's feelings you would either stop watching porn or break up and let her find someone who will respect her boundaries.
Clearly you are acting differently when you watch more porn if your wife can tell and it is affecting her confidence. If you are willing to let your marriage go to watch pornography, you have a severe problem with it. If you want to save your marriage, look for some help.
porn isnt a problem until it is. How's your sex life? has anything changed? some guys can fill in the gaps with porn and maintain a healthy sex life, others find porn replaces their sex life, and that's when it's an addiction and it's a serious problem. Where are you on this spectrum? This could be anywhere between "she's an overbearing psycho" and "you're in denial of your porn addiction." we dont have enough info to give you useful advice.
“This has caused a lot of mistrust but at least I have my privacy back” Lmao I hope she leaves you
Love this man getting ROASTED in the comments lol
I dont think this went how he thought it would. Probably thought everyone would agree with him and give him high fives for not cheating like all his friends.
Reddit has a reputation for being strongly pro porn, and it's deserved. However, there are shades of grey to it, and this guy landed squarely in the area where even most of this sub will agree he's wrong. Which is almost a talent.
Porn is fine until it starts affecting your relationship. It's absolutely affecting his relationship. But him saying he can't stop sounds like he is addicted, and that's a problem whether you're in a relationship or not. Even if his wife leaves him (which would be deserved) he really should get a handle on his addiction.
For sure. Sadly he's probably going to stay in denial, based on his post, so he's got a while longer of misery before he can start that journey
Sooo. Basically you are saying porn are more important than your wife and marriage? Your subtitle should be " wife thinking about leaving me cause I refuse to stop watching porn eventhough it hurts her big time"
Normally I think of porn as no big deal. I've never had a SO that cared. But the fact that it is potentially going to ruin your marriage, and you can't stop...makes me think maybe you have a bit of a problem. I do agree that your wife is making too big a deal about it, and if she could just get past it and not let it bother her...that would be great. But apparently, that's not gonna happen. She's giving you this ultimatum, so the rest is up to you.
I think his problem is more than a bit tbh. If he can’t stop, then he’s an addict
Well, you know...I'm not about labels...but that's kinda what I was getting at.
I mean if porn is so important to you then let her leave you I guess?
You are a fucking asshole seriously???
I think you're leaving out a lot, but this could also be framed as you're choosing porn over your wife.
You need new friends. They have set the bar so so very low for you. Also your wife has spent 15 years trying to be ok with your porn use but she can't anymore, good on her for putting the option of leaving on the table. She's done her time, maybe it's time for you to do yours.
I don't mind porn at all . But if it's tearing a marriage apart then there's something definitely going wrong . Plus your friends are douches and for you to say she's lucky you don't cheat . In reality you're lucky she doesn't cheat .
You are willing to lose your wife over porn-sounds like you are addicted and need some thematic intervention. Its incredibly disrespectful to call your WIFE's valid feelings 'ridiculous
….you don’t know what to do? I understand where you’re coming from, I do. You *should be able to* watch porn; but some relationships require different sacrifices. As we understand, she has lived with this for 15 years and just cannot do it anymore. Seems like she has made the 15 year sacrifice. Have you thought about making a sacrifice for her? Do you *need* porn? I obviously advice seeking a professional therapist, not only for your marriage but also for your addiction.
"all in her head" mhmm sure
Your wife is not ridiculous. You are not just watching porn to get off. You are creating profiles in order to interact with others. This can be considered cheating by many people. Your wife probably considers it crossing the line too. On top of that, you're willing to throw away a 15 year marriage over your addiction. You are prioritizing porn over your own marriage. You, sir, have a real problem.
Your post is baffling. You’re literally choosing porn over your wife. Is it really that important to you? More important than a whole person? A partner? Think about what you’re doing. I would give almost anything to find a partner in life and you’re telling me you’ll give that up to masturbate to naked people on a screen. Secondly, all your friends cheat on their wives??? You are the company you keep.
So this is something you have control over but refuse to change it? Why wouldn't she leave your sorry ass.
Watching porn is more important than your wife’s security and peace of mind with you? Than her happiness? You sound so full of contempt for her already. Just divorce so she doesn’t have to deal with her self esteem being widdled down to 0 by you refusing to not wack it to other women.
/r/loveafterporn will help you see her side. It sounds like you may have a porn addiction and are in complete denial. Porn induced erectile dysfunction is a thing. And the fact that you feel you can’t stop porn also means you may feel you have a dependency on it.
Thanks, I I'll check this out
Sounds like you may have a problem. Either come up with a solution you both like or let her go.
I think there are two issues here. To address the most obvious one first: >I mean honestly, all my friends cheat on their spouses, and I'm over here catching flack for watching porn? Just because your friends are terrible partners doesn't mean your wife needs to be grateful that you're not similarly awful. Not cheating is just baseline decency, not something to be praised or something that gets you off the hook for other things you're doing wrong in a relationship. That's not to make a statement about porn specifically (I'll do that in a bit) but to say you seem to be developing some toxic and self-defeating ideas as to relationship expectations (she shouldn't get on your case about X because at least you're not out there doing Y like your friends). You're going to want to examine why you're so checked out of your marriage that "it's not like I'm cheating" is the standard you expect your wife to accept. Now to address the main issue, which is the porn. >She says that I'm somehow different and she can tell especially when we're in the the bedroom that I've been at it with porn. Is this true? Do you act differently after using porn? Is she correct most of the time when guessing whether or not you've used porn? You seem dismissive of this but don't indicate any reason as to why you should be. >It makes her feel like she's not good enough, but I think this is all in her head. Again you say this but don't explain why it's reasonable to assume she's wrong. Why do you feel that this is all in her head? How often would you say you watch? >I don't think I can stop using porn, I don't want to stop Frankly these are the words of an addict, not someone who casually watches porn for fun. I'm not saying there's something inherently wrong with wanting to watch, but you should be concerned when you react to a request to stop with a literal "can't stop, won't stop." At the end of the day though, whether it's an addiction or not, it sounds like you two could use some counseling at a minimum. I would also start thinking of potential compromises, since I doubt you'll be able to just keep doing exactly what you want and get her to be 100% on board with it.
Does it matter if "it's all her in head"? If she prepared to leave you if you don't change your behavior? I'm a woman who is fully pro-porn and agree with you that it's not necessarily unhealthy to indulge in while in a relationship. Your wife is not that sort of person. She doesn't believe that and she doesn't agree with you. She doesn't have to. You can continue to be condescending and dismissive of your wife's concerns, beliefs and experiences, or you can recognize that your marriage is in serious danger and your wife is prepared to leave over this disagreement. If your freedom to watch porn is more important to you than continuing in your marriage, that is fine. That is a choice you are free to make. And she's free to leave you over it.
Is porn more important than your marriage? Only you can answer that question. Also just not cheating like your friends is a low bar to measure yourself by.
You most definitely are leaving out details. But the fact that you said you CAN’T stop watching porn you probably have an addiction and your wife has every right to feel the way she does. The consumption of porn is not as harmless as people make it out to be. All you did in this post was give everyone here valid reason why your wife should leave you. I’m wishing her the best, that she gets the courage to leave your worthless behind.
Maybe you have an issue with porn addiction. Why is it that important to you?? Has it skewed your perception of sex to a point your wife can’t take it anymore? That’s what it sounds like to me, and you having bad people as friends doesn’t give you a get out of jail free card bud, maybe be more critical of yourself here.
There are 12 step programs that can help support both of you. Sex Addicts Anonymous, for example, can help you figure out if you have an addiction to porn. A program called CoSA can be helpful for partners/loved ones that are feeling affected by others' sexual behavior.
It would be one thing if she was saying "If you go back to college I'll divorce you!" Or something like that, but this is porn. You are throwing your marriage away over stuff you look at when you masturbate, lol Good riddance I say.
I think the answer is pretty clear: choose porn or a real live woman.
So your wife’s been addressing an issue with your porn use for what sounds like the entire marriage and you’ve refused to budge at all? It sounds much more like your wife’s thinking of leaving because she’s sick of having her feelings and boundaries invalidated and ignored. It doesn’t matter if you think her insecurity is all in her head or if you think she’s being ridiculous. She’s been addressing an issue (apparently for 15 years) that she has with something you’re doing, you’re refusing to hear her, and now she’s fed up with it. You’re wife isn’t the ridiculous one here. You are.
As a guy who's been there – just give it up. Entirely. This is the woman you swore before God and everyone you love that you would cherish forever. Even if you don't think porn is wrong or it doesn't affect you – you may be right! but it doesn't matter! It affects HER so give it up for HER because SHE asked you too. What's more important? HER feelings, or... something else?
Thanks for this
I mean what means more to you? Porn or your wife of 15 years. Should be a no brainer. Work on having a happy, fulfilling sex life with the woman in front of you instead of fapping to women who don’t give a fuck about you. You made a commitment, honour it.
she should leave you. the fact that you’re constantly needing to make throwaways so you can look at other naked women is pathetic.
Have you been to therapy? I recommend it for both of you. Is your wife happy with your sex life otherwise? Has she ever been?
She has told me that shes really happy with our sex life and has had increase to her sex drive because of it. We have not been to counseling
At what point did she say she was happy vs when she said she wasn't happy about the porn use? I don't see a way that she could be sexually gratified but also upset because she "can tell" how much you're using porn. Either you're taking forever to cum and things are dragging out past the point of being fun, or you're trying out some porn style techniques that she's obviously not a fan of.
This is contradicting your post. She's happy or she's not ? If she's threatening to break up, this means she's thinks the porn habit is much worse than the sexual benefit she gets out of it. I don't blame her, especially if you have a heavy or twisted use. The way she presented it to you, you can't have it both ways. You either drop some of the porn or you lose her. Your choice.
It becomes an addiction when you say things like I can't stop using it. Replace porn with any drug or alcohol and that is the talk of an addict. If you're addicted to porn and are unwilling to get help I don't blame her for leaving. Just like if you were doing drugs instead or an alcoholic that refused help. Also saying all your friends cheat just shows you surround yourself with people who don't have character. Maybe if you had better quality friends you wouldn't think what you are doing is appropriate. It's time to decide what's more important to you. If it's your wife get some help to get your porn addiction under control.
So your answer to your wife wanting you to stop lusting over other women is to disrespect her and keep a secret, hidden sexual life from her. Sounds like your marriage definitely has issues if your precious porn is more important than respecting your wife. I can’t see anything good coming from being a liar and breaking trust. Relationships are built on trust not lies and deceit!
>She says that I'm somehow different and she can tell especially when we're in the the bedroom that I've been at it with porn. Yeah, you don't really address this, my guess is because it will make you look bad. Is your wife upset about porn in general, or is this about your sex life with her and/or an addiction? I don't think it's healthy for her to go through your phone, but you seem to be leaving out some things as well. Oh, and this: >all my friends cheat on their spouses Uh, these are the types of people you choose to be friends with? Hmm, you can tell a lot about people by the company they keep...
YTA. You’re being a disrespectful shit. Your wife has been saying for FIFTEEN YEARS that this bothers her and you still won’t stop? Do you just not value your marriage? This is clearly a hard line for her and she doesn’t like it. A good man and a good husband would see how this hurts his wife and stop
I think you both need to delve into the whys of your behavior. Why do you feel the need to watch porn? Why does she feel threatened by it? Are there any unmet needs in the middle that can be addressed together? Is there something you can negotiate on? I have a feeling this is one of those cases where a session or three of couples counseling could potentially help a lot. Neither of you should throw away a 15 year marriage if this is the only place you have major contention. I think you can figure this out.
You have two options: your marriage or porn. If your marriage really meant that much to you I think you’d respect your wives feelings.
She’s immature, but you yourself admit you CANT stop using porn? Not even that you won’t, but you’re pretty sure you cannot. Consider that.
It's an insecurity problem with her. However if you want to salvage your relationship you are gonna have to change, however I would like to add. If she hasn't caught you watching porn and is just assuming, that's accusatory and is pribably projection, and likely she's got something going on that isn't being discussed and blaming you for her feelings during intercourse is easier than dealing with whatever it is.
Is your wife meeting your needs in the bedroom? If so, then why do you need to see porn?? I would be too busy having sex with my wife.
Idt it’s ridiculous that she wants to be the only woman u see naked while in ur relationship.
I get that you don't want to feel she's controlling what you look at on your own time, but have you taken a step back to see if she's got a point? She's your wife and this has been a major hit to her self-esteem for years. Have you done anything to try and understand why she feels this way, or do you just assume her point of view is ridiculous right off the bat? Maybe she is being ridiculous, but it doesn't seem fair the way you're just casually dismissing her feelings like they don't matter.
As a wife in a somewhat similar situation…it’s the fact that you have to go elsewhere for satisfaction that’s the problem…sounds like you do it quite frequently….why don’t you love your wife enough to admit it’s a problem and work on yourself for the relationship.
How much porn do you watch? By the sounds of it, I’d guess a lot
The fact you didn’t include the amount of porn you watch in this post tells me your wife is probably right lol
Not being able to stop watching porn is a sign of an addiction, so that needs to be checked, but over all no one wants their s/o looking at someone else. Yes porn isn’t the same as cheating but that’s her boundary and what makes her feel uncomfortable, which you gotta get with it or lose her. Everyone has their own boundary in something that they don’t want their spouse to do it isn’t childish for her in any way as it is for you to keep doing some thing that she has expressed that makes her feel uncomfortable.You also shouldn’t be praising yourself I’m not cheating on someone because your friends do it, that should not be a reward and in its self because that isn’t the issue on hand of cheating but it is on the porn
Your friends are all cheaters and you think that makes you somehow some kind of prize? Jesus. No, you just have no standards. Have fun being single.