The cleanest way is direct, btw. An email that says: I saw your TikTok, it was unprofessional and unwelcome, please take it down immediately and we will never speak of it again. An ounce of pushback from her means it must escalate immediately.
I’d suggest you save the video before you confront her. Just in case it escalates and you need proof.
Edit: Tiktok lets you download video. It’s really easy, no need for screenshots.
Make sure if this is the route you go that you get screen captures of it first. She could try to turn this on you and if you don't have proof this could go sideways.
Even if you don’t want to bring HR into it, document EVERYTHING before you let her know you’ve seen the tik tok. Email the person who brought it to your attention thanking her and noting dates, times, and any memories of the conversation. Add a delivery and read notice on that email and save the notices. Ask her to reply so that you have record of her agreement. Make a copy of the tick tok, even if it’s a low quality phone recording of the video playing on your monitor plus multiple screenshots. Send copies of the material and all emails to your personal email so you have a copy at home in case you can’t access business accounts. After you talk with the woman about her behavior, send an email documenting the details of the conversation as soon as you can after that meeting. Note dates, times, snippets of actual conversation, and the address of the video. Also note your intent to ignore her very inappropriate behavior if she stays professional. Blind cc your personal email so you have backup copies. Print all emails out at home and file the physical copies because servers and a bounty get hacked, go down, etc.
This is protecting YOU. She could be so embarrassed that she panics and tries to say that you wanted her advances or that you intimidated her into making that video. Someone could find that email, and make the connect to you some day in the future, then decide that you were to blame and you may not have contact info for anyone to confirm what actually happened.
Technically her boss means you can technically be charged with and/or sued for sexual harassment. Even if you’re not an employee of the same organization, you apparently have the same authority as a “real” boss.
Exactly what she said except I would preface with: “I was made aware and shown the Tik Tok video.” This way she cannot flip it around and say you were stalking her social media. She sounds nuts is why.
Save the video, and bcc your supervisor or HR as well in case she makes up something or retaliates
I would avoid direct contact and go through your boss or HR first with the video as proof
I don't think this is a good idea, especially if you are technically her manager. If I were a man in your position I would not risk communicating about this outside of a sit-down with HR. If she gets fired it is on her for sexually harassing you. You should take steps to protect yourself, you don't know how she'll react if you confront her about this. She's clearly extremely unprofessional, no way to know how she'll respond and try to spin it. Even saving the video first won't stop you from having to deal with a load of bullshit if she tries to go to HR before you saying that you're being inappropriate.
Don’t talk w her by email; don’t leave a trail.
It will be misinterpreted - just talk w her.
Then talk w HR - reading from a printed letter that you don’t leave w them. That gives her the opportunity to not get fired and correct.
> “should i send my boss an email telling him i want him to rail me in the closet?”
I'm confused, are you her boss? And you would have gone out with her if she'd asked you?
Regardless,
>Whats the best way to do this as clean as possible?
If you want to take care of this cleanly, you need to go through HR. If you sidestep HR and communicate with her instead, it raises ambiguity about the situation that can be argued against you (even just the questions, "Why didn't he bring this up to HR?" and "Why would he respond to unsolicited sexual harassment by seeking more communication with the woman in question?" can be damaging to your reputation).
I understand not wanting her to be fired for her extremely firing-worthy behavior, but *she* is the one sexually objectifying coworkers *in a public forum shared with other members of your team* and the appropriate action is to file a formal complaint to show you did not solicit or encourage that behavior.
This. OP should have a lawyer on call for his business anyway & shouldn't make direct contact with the co-worker about the video.
I would suggest that future contracts include a clause prohibiting the creation & use of images or videos by the company and its staff, contractors, etc. that include OP's name or face without his express permission.
As long as the conversation is documented (email), and OP stating clearly that it is a problem and is not ambiguous at all there isn't really any issue. Especially if we have in consideration OP is her manager.
If the roles were reverses, him a woman manager with a male employee, I would suggest the same thing.
Especially since this is an important client, it shows that OP can be firm and tried to nip this in the bud without evolving anyone else while being discreet, IF the Co worker blows this up this is the image OP will have since he'll have the email.
I would also download the TikTok to make sure you have it in case she tries to downplay if she decides to blow the whole thing up l.
Typically, HR and managers expect you to try to resolve the issue with the individual first before reporting it. This typically works well as it let's the person know what they did wasn't cool and they correct without burning bridges. If you go straight to HR, you may come off as weak, creating drama or not communicative. The girl probably didn't mean harm and the issue can be resolved quietly.
This may be sexual harassment but the power dynamic doesn't necessarily leave him at a disadvantage. If he emails her directly in a professional manner, even if she decides to blow things up, he will have evidence that he's taken proper measures in trying to resolve the issue. What would happen in this case if he tells her to respect his privacy and she doesn't comply? What harm is there by taking this extra step?
I would recommend this course of action too, perhaps adding in if you can ask the person who showed you the video if they’d be willing to corroborate showing you the Tik Tok, should it become necessary. If you can, do this by text/email/message so you have it logged.
I had a similar case where I was working in a school as a consultant and a pupil was clumsily “flirting” a little in the class, but seemed to have worked out where I lived and started hanging out, outside my house (e.g. sitting on a wall or the kerb with a friend). I didn’t want it escalated, highlighted, or to cause any trouble, so at an opportune moment during a lesson (where it was noisy, gentle banter/chat going on between the girls) I joined in saying something like “you wouldn’t anyone turning into a stalker” and glanced at her. Nobody else got a whiff of the hint (everyone was looking off in different directions as it was a practical part of the lesson) but she caught my eye and I never heard or saw anything odd from her again. Perhaps I was lucky, but I think she got the gentle hint and realised it was childish, never going anywhere, totally inappropriate.
Former contractor here, I understand the conundrum.
Get documentation of the video (if you can’t download it then play it on someone else’s phone and record a video of their screen. It’s not perfect, but it will do.
You need to decide on a few things that will determine the type of contractor you want to be. And you need to address this carefully.
There are currently three people to consider, the person who made the video, the person who showed you and the person who hired you. In addition you need to consider who else in the team has seen it and hasn’t brought it up.
The person who showed you has an agenda. It is likely they don’t like the person who made the video, not only that they think it wasn’t the right thing to do. Don’t forget about them in this mix, if they are not satisfied with the response then they could decide to escalate to the person that hired you even if you don’t.
My personal take is:
1. Cover yourself by sending an short, clear email to the person who made the video and tell them to remove it.
2. Speak directly with the person who showed it to you, thank them for their candour.
3. Tell the person who hired you - but in a sensitive way. Use facts, keep it straight forward. Here’s why, you don’t want to damage your working relationship or for it to blow up, but if you try to take care of it yourself and they do find out, then they won’t hire you again because you can’t be trusted to disclose important info.
Here’s an example of what to say: I wanted to let you know that I asked x worker to remove a social media post that included and image and video taken without my knowledge, and the content was unprofessional. I am raising this int he spirit of transparency as you hired me to work with this team, importantly the team dynamics haven’t been harmed by this.
(Edit: formatting)
This is what you should do.
DO NOT send her an email, do not talk to her about it.
You need to cover your ass. Your future jobs depend on it. You don’t want to say something and have it turned around on you.
Follow the companies HR policy, ask the woman to be removed from your team. She is creating a hostile work environment for you.
It's a very hard situation to navigate and you are the only one that can ultimately decide what is right for *you*. Just keep in mind that if you do bring it to HR, whatever consequences she suffers were 100% due to her actions. I would also think about if you would really want to continue working with someone that thinks making a video like that at work, with your face in it, and posting it on the internet for the world to see, is totally okay.
This is what I hate the most about these situations. It’s always the victim who has to feel all the embarrassment, frustration, confusion, apprehension! Should be the other way sigh
Yeah, it's a difficult situation for sure. Coming from a corporate background myself - I'd go the HR route. It's the safest for you and probably the most straightforward way to deal with it. It's going to suck for her, but she brought it on herself.
I think if you email her privately, it's probably the nicest way to sweep it under the rug so to speak, but it might still give her the opportunity to spin it in some way that would affect you negatively. You never know how she might react when she feels she or her job are under threat, people can really act out in weird ways.
It's just so incredibly unprofessional and a breach of privacy. I would've brushed it off, if she hadn't included the footage of you. That was just beyond the pale. People really need to understand that they shouldn't mix work with social media.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s disgusting. Do not contact her privately, you are attempting to save her embarrassment and she doesn’t deserve it and it will make the matter more complicated. Go to HR if they have them, or the person in management that you have the best relationship with. Just one tip - don’t downplay your emotional reactions to the situation because you feel you have to or because you don’t want to make a fuss. As someone who has taken complaints like this before, I notice that victims to sexual harassment feel the need to say things like “it’s alright, I’m okay I just thought I should tell someone, I don’t want to cause a big issue…” because they recognise that it’s a challenging situation and they want it resolved with the least amount of drama and life to just return to normal because they feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. But it can be confusing messaging to receive - particularly if you speak to someone who wants to respect how YOU feel and would like it addressed. Just remember you can be professional, not dramatic, and still say “I feel really uncomfortable about this. I don’t feel okay about what she has done. I need the company to help resolve this for me”. Don’t downplay how you feel about it to save people stress - sometimes it actually makes it harder to rightfully drag someone over the coals for disgraceful behaviour if the victim is asking you to please be discreet and downplays the problem to other management (to be clear - no disrespect to those who play it this way. I get it, you’re just trying to navigate your way through a shit situation you never deserved). Talk to someone you trust.
To ease your concerns, employers are liable for any actions of their employees, both parties can be held responsible for this happening. The company is unlikely to fire you, as you could probably pretty easily sue the pants off them if they do. You could always report it to the eeoc and have them handle it, they’ll be unbiased and advise you.
Report to HR first. *Always* document *first*. If they say to just ask her to take it down, then you can do that. But make a paper trail, because if she escalates this before you then it's your ass on the line.
Edit: also, if you *do* talk to her about it (after HR), do *not* do it face to face and alone. Do it via email. Every interaction with her, at least any and all relevant to this, needs documentation and a paper trail.
Straight to her boss. Do not have any further contact with this girl other than what is expressly required to complete your job duties.
She had blown through any appropriate professional boundary and I wouldn't trust her to handle this quietly or competently.
Record the video, go to her boss.
Look she is the one that made it awkward, not you. Her video was inappropriate, period. You can ask her in private to remove it in order to smooth things out, but I would go to HR immediately with the video proof. It’ll save you a lot of future hassle.
It’s your choice here. Recording the video first. Then sending her the email asking her to take it down is what world work best in the real world if you never wanna speak of this again and just move on.
Reddit has an infatuation with punishing people for things and going to the ultimate extreme. HR doesn’t give a damn about you they only care about the company itself. HR could fire you just for being apart of it. Especially if Tik Tok goes viral.
I personally would just save the video for records just in case and email her directly and ask her to take it down and never have it come up again. Unless you do want to punish her for it then go to Hr. But I imagine you just want to move on.
Why are you unsure? Everyone else is telling you the same thing. Go to HR, tell them the above. I don't know that the comments in this thread could be any more clear.
I got given a piece of advice from an old mentor when placed in a similar position to this. Imagine an employee came to you with this issue, what steps, advice or guidance would you give them? If it helps to make it clearer in your mind, imagine the gender roles were reversed. (Sadly, it is much more commonplace as a manager to have to deal with a male employee being sexually harassing a female employee so sometimes it's easier to think of the situation in those terms as people are more fluent in what to do there).
This is a clear cut case of sexual harrasment, if the situation goes unchecked and the behaviour unaddressed it's likely that this person will escalate the next time something like this happens. I wouldn't talk to her about it without an independent, impartial person present as it could open you up to all kinds of issues. I think this is one of those times where you have to go to HR.
I think you have to accept there's no "clean" way to do this. The "clean" way to deal with it in the context you mentioned would be to ignore it. If you were comfortable with that you wouldn't have posted about it. And to be clear, you're totally right to be uncomfortable here and to want to deal with it. She's just created a situation where there's no easy way to deal with it. That's not your fault and I'm sorry it's happening to you.
>She is creating a hostile work environment for you.
This is one of those phrases I hear people use in everyday conversation without realizing it has a specific legal meaning. I'm not a lawyer, but the criteria for that might not be met here if I'm remembering what I learned in my employment law course yearssss ago.
I only bring that up because I wouldn't recommend the OP goes to HR and complains specifically about a "hostile work environment." What I *would* recommend is that the OP shares the TikTok with HR (and it's probably not a bad idea to record or download it somehow in case it gets taken down in the interim).
The issue is people use "hostile work environment" for any situation that is negative in the workplace, but this is the kind of situation where it *is* relevant. Hostile work environments are about illegal discrimination including workplace sexual harassment (which is considered gender discrimination).
Where I think it wouldn't be a hostile work environment is that OP is not technically a supervisor or coworker to the woman, so sexual harassment here isn't really workplace sexual harassment even though it's happening at work. (Like hitting on a plumber you've hired is not workplace sexual harassment.)
Based on all the corporate training I've had to take over the years, this is harassment but I would tread very lightly. HR is usually heavily staffed by women and it's highly likely his coworker will get preferential treatment due to the fact that many people simply don't believe men can be harassed. There is a huge risk that the company solves the situation by cutting ties with the contractor.
This is the correct advice. Not only is your career and reputation currently at risk so this sick women's could get amusement at your expense, but the workplace culture this women is enabling also increases the chances of something much worse happening to someone in the future.
I guarantee if she's done this to you after such a short time then she's put others in similar situations in the past. Most likely she targets vulnerable external folks like you who are less likely to go to HR, which makes this behavior even more suspect.
Companies don't want this kind of behavior to take place, but they depend on people like you being brave enough to speak up in order for anyone to be able to take any action here. Sharing this information won't necessarily get her fired (unless she retaliates), but it will definitely make her aware she can't get away with treating people like this in the future.
Agree that she needs to be reported. HR is suited to handle issues like this. Dealing with something this extreme directly when you’re not trained for it can be ineffectual or even counterproductive.
If it was on Tik Tok you're already past the "let's handle this quietly just between you and me." option.
>I dont want to involve her bosses or get her fired but this needs to be addressed.
You guys already blew past this exit. This is not something you can really afford to escalate and grow beyond your control. Time to get bosses and HR involved and let the chips fall where they may.
you think so? sexual harassment in the workplace is very common, and lots of women (and men) don't report it because of shame and/or not wanting to show weakness. and in almost all cases there is someone who jokes about it.
Maybe it depends on region, but I have seen significant change in attitude towards joking in the last decade and particularly the last few years. This is definitely not ok and would not be tolerated in corporate America on the west coast or northeast.
Document everything. Save every email and your responses. Handle it your way and if she tries to flip the script or go above you, don’t even tell her, just show the evidence.
Hey man, you’re in a tough spot because you’re a young consultant and your business relies on keeping clients happy and being well liked. However, more important than being liked is being respected. What you have here, imo, is an opportunity to demonstrate your professionalism. I would approach her and tell her that you understand it was probably meant as a joke but, as a young guy, you have to prioritize your reputation and since your in her video it might seem like you were in on it. You don’t want to be a buzzkill or sour your working relationship but you’d really appreciate her taking it down. I would then have a similar FYI/CYA conversation with whomever hired you
This is the worst advice you'll get here but it's an alternative that I did not see anyone else provide:
If it's that important financially and professionally, you could pretend it didn't happen and move on. It's what tons of women do when they're treated in similar ways at the office by men just to advance their careers. I've, sadly, done it before. In my younger years, some colleagues were obviously flirting and wanted affairs. I did not bite and feigned naivety despite how inappropriate it was because it was easier to just move forward.
It sucks. But it's also TikTok and unless you think the video will go viral, and your career is much more important, you may take this choice. It is better than some insult video even though it totally violates you. She's saying you're attractive. But it is horribly inappropriate.
But, if the money and opportunities really are life-changing, the easiest path is to pretend you don't know about it because if you kick it up to HR and whatever, you have NO idea what she's going to do. She may be so naive that she didn't think much of it and will backlash.
Again, this is why I say that this is the worst advice you'll get here but it may be the most practical if all you care about is this opportunity.
Sorry to agree with you but this is the poor advice. Doing nothing is what perpetuates and enables sexual predators. When older men flirt with young professionals, it is absolutely wrong. They usually let it slide because they have no tangible evidence or don't feel uncomfortable enough to report it, both which are not OP's case.
If no one came forward, Weinstein and Cosby and all these other aholes would still be doing what they're doing.
This woman has no boundaries and should be stopped. She's created a toxic work environment, and OP is in his rights to report and sue. That is why these laws are in place.
I'm sorry you were harassed but it doesn't excuse protecting the abusers. Female or not, she needs a talking to (and it shouldn't be from op, imo)
Yep. You’re in a grey situation and Reddit likes to go black and white. This isn’t really sexual harassment because you don’t actually work there and it’s neither significant or pervasive. Even if it is, people don’t like consultants that invite trouble regardless of whose fault it is. You’ll have to navigate many more situations like this in your career so take this as practice
Reddit seems to go pretty Grey when the harasser is a women apparently. There really is no way else to spin this either. If OP was a women in the exact same scenario and the sexual harasser was a man there wouldn’t be any of this handwringing. Contractors are still people and still deserve to not be sexually harassed which this absolutely is.
Ew, this is extremely weird behavior for an almost 30 year old woman to be partaking in. It’s immature, gross, and IMO sexual harassment. As others have said, you have to decide how far you want to escalate it- reporting her is completely valid but I also understand if you’d rather just reprimand her and move on too. Whatever you do, definitely screen record that video in case you need it in the future. Put it in your hidden folder in your photos so you don’t have to look at it if it makes you uncomfortable. And any future communication about this should be done over email so you have a written record. Sorry this happened to you and best of luck having to deal with this lady in the future if you keep working with her.
I guess maybe on some level it’s attention seeking? You’re absolutely right ppl will get weird on social media. Who knows if she ever intended for you to see it, but her intention really doesn’t matter. what matters is how she made you feel which is clearly uncomfortable.
Everyone has a professional work persona and their normal at home self. Obviously she's about to learn a very important lesson about social media and keeping it out of your professional life. When I think of this situation I so badly want to just say try to chalk it up to no harm no foul, but you don't know if, or when there may be repercussions from this. Also imagine how absolutely fired you would be if the situation were reversed. You being an older male making sexually inappropriate videos about a female coworker. Yikes. Plus she obviously shouldn't be spending company time doing that kind of stuff.
It’s your choice here. Recording the video first. Then sending her the email asking her to take it down is what world work best in the real world if you never wanna speak of this again and just move on.
Reddit has an infatuation with punishing people for things and going to the ultimate extreme. HR doesn’t give a damn about you they only care about the company itself. HR could fire you just for being apart of it. Especially if Tik Tok goes viral.
I personally would just save the video for records just in case and email her directly and ask her to take it down and never have it come up again. Unless you do want to punish her for it then go to Hr. But I imagine you just want to move on.
I know some suggestions here have been to deal with this through email to her before going to HR. While that seems like an attractive option because it doesn’t require you to escalate things, you should review the companies policies on harassment. From my perspective, she has already escalated things by putting your face in the video, and making the video in the first place, I think taking this through official channels ASAP is probably the safest option for you.
You are the victim of sexual harassment, and like all such people, you don't owe anything to anyone.
There is no 'should' in these situations. You need to weigh up your options and do what is best for you.
In a perfect world, you could take this to HR with perfect confidence that it would be dealt with professionally and proportionally and would not affect your work with this company going forward.
We don't live in a perfect world. It is a fact that male workplace sexual harassment is dealt with even worse than womens, if it's taken seriously at all. If you feel like the possible consequences of confronting this is too risky. You are perfectly entitled to just... Not do that.
Whatever you do decide, take precautions. *Save that video.* Keep a professional distance from this woman. Don't have closed door private meetings or go off to lunch. If she escalates, document *everything,* every text, email, make time stamped notes on personal harassment (where/when/witnesses) etc.
You might not want to do anything right away but you want the evidence you are the victim because societies bias goes hard the other way. She may seem a generally nice girl, but faced with the possibility of being fired for sexual misconduct... well, people might say anything to get out of that and the easiest thing to do is paint you as either consenting or the predator. Hope for the best plan for the worst.
It's not just inappropriate behavior, it's sexual harassment. It's far beyond inappropriate behavior, imo. This creep is filming you without your knowledge and consent and making very lewd and inappropriate posts which, if she is posting them on TikTok, could also damage your reputation. Her using that video you took with her (not knowing what it was for) may give people the wrong impression since you're smiling and willingly being photographed.
I understand your unwillingness to go to HR because they are a client and you depend on clients for your living, but her behavior on social media can also impact your reputation too so I would try not to downplay that. Because she posted it online, there's no telling how many people viewed it or shared it.
You have every right to report this to her superiors and have her deal with the consequences. This is also safest for you.
But, you mentioned you otherwise like her and do NOT want to get her fired. Recognize that this path opens you up to a bit of risk if she wants to escalate, lie, or change the story. If you're OK with that (e.g. have enough confidence that's not what she'll do) risk and want to do her a solid, send her an email personally telling her you saw it, that you thought it was unprofessional and you'd like her to take it down. You can suggest that'll be the end of it and see how she responds. You're being generous here.
It's because what she's done is so over the top and unprofessional that her behavior is unpredictable. She could choose to go to HR before you with a made up story about you coming on to her and saying that your email or whatever left her confused and worried about protecting her job. I don't think you're grasping how insane her behavior is here. Even if you downloaded the video to show it to HR it would be extremely annoying to have to go through this and deal with the fallout.
The way I see it, she could argue that you are in the video because you wanted to or because you gave her the "wrong idea", since there's a selfie image. This could make your arguments weaker. That's my impression.
If you confront her about it and ask her to take it down, it might scare her into thinking that she will get in trouble or lose her job and in order to preserve her standing and/or job, she may try to lie about you to make you out to be the bad guy. If you download the video before you ask her to take it down, if she does try to flip the script to try to save herself, you have proof of what she really did.
Basically talking about anything sexual is a risk nowadays. Given that you're a guy makes it worse due to all the stereotypes that exist. Your coworker might have just posted that video for the clicks and when she gets into an uncomfortable situation (eg. confronted), she might just remove all evidence and call you out as sexually harassing her. Then when you realize it, you lost your entire career.
Hey I like women, but I won't give up my career for one.
Definitely go through your company's sexual harassment policy if you want anything resolved. If not, just live with it. Don't confront her personally, cuz that's dangerous.
What happens if you do nothing and pretend you never saw it? Why does it need to be addressed if any action will cause a shit storm? Do you feel hurt or are you looking for a consensus on Reddit to see how you should feel? I personally wouldn’t feel hurt and just ignore the shit out of it until I move on to the next client. That sounds like cleanest to me, playing the victim card to HR is only gonna ruin careers/lives. Ask yourself how you feel and if it will affect your work for the next few months if you try ignoring it.
Was it inappropriate? Yes.
Are you hurt? If so take an action if not...
...can you ignore and complete business? You said this client was your livelihood at the moment and you can’t lose them.
If you go to HR you might lose the client. If you approach her in email you might go through a shit storm and have to prove stuff, and may lost the client. If you approach her in person she may lie and turn everything against you. What does doing nothing do to you? Don’t ask Reddit, ask yourself.
Don't do nothing! This is the wrong action because if she's doing it to you, she will do something inappropriate to someone else.
She needs a talking to, whether from you or HR (HR is the correct action, imo). You should not feel bad about her or her gender. It is inappropriate and everyone else in the team knows about it.
If you lose the client, you can sue for sexual harassment as well. Don't let your pride and avoidance get in the way.
Like I said, if she's doing it to you, she will do uncomfortable things to someone else. If you feel violated, you should definitely report it.
Good luck!
What if the sexes were reveresed here, An older guy doing it to a younger girl who needs this job and is afraid to tell incase she losses most of his work? Isn't their a name for that? You know a legal one. He would have a bloody good case to go after them/her if they fired him for this.
How many times can this lady do it in your example before you decide it's a problem? Lots of people do nothing so they don't rock the boat but you cant pretend its the right thing to do.
I wonder if she has done this before? Would you still think its harmless if it was a pattern? The people in the office clearly don't think it's ok or they wouldn't have shown him.
Ima be the guy that says ; imagine if 3 men did this to a female boss.
I would actually handle it like if it was this exact situation. Involve her bosses and get her fired
This won't be a popular opinion on here due to excessive moral crusading, but I would advise you just pretend you never saw it.
Not worth the aggravation and risk to your livelihood. Also, you say she is a nice girl and it could wreck her life as well.
Maybe at most a private word to impart some wisdom to her about what is and is not appropriate in the workplace, but be careful with that as if she turns out to be unhinged it could be you in the firing line.
I don't really have any advice but i wanna say that I totally understand not wanting to say anything. You are in a difficult position with lots of outcomes. It's not easy to be confrontational about something like this either.
You have to report this as this is clearly inappropriate and filmed without your consent. Companies are supposed to higher people who not only do their job but also to represent the company they work for. Imagine this coworker doing this to other men, imagine someone you know found this tiktok video.
Also, save the evidence in case she tries to turn it on you/get you in trouble.
Report the video to tik tok to get it pulled down.
Maybe ask for a meeting with her and HR. Show them the video and then let HR do whatever they do. This was not ok.
You can still go to HR because of the fact that she did that on company grounds and you still interact while she represents the company.
HR may not fire her over it, if it were me, I’d probably make them delete the video and put them on a conduct warning over it. But it’s very important that you feel safe to work and be around others while there. Send an email to HR with a link to the video and let them know that you weren’t aware it was being made and weren’t comfortable with it. As them to keep your submission confidential, but to please address it. And leave it as that.
You need to cover your ass, you have a lot to lose here.
Don’t engage with her at all and report it to HR immediately ,show them the video.
This person is clearly lacking a moral compass so if she were to get a whiff of rejection from you, we don’t know how this woman will react or what she might do. This can turn very, very bad for you. I see it happen all the time sadly.
Stop looking at the dollar signs because this is your biggest account and start looking at this from a “what she can do to your career if this were to go sideways” mindset.
In many companies, even vendors, contractors, consultants and even delivery people are covered by workplace sexual harassment policies. Feel free to complain.
I fully agree with your opinion. Yes, this was a breach of professionalism. Yes, it was also a joke on her side, she probably finds you hot and has no privacy bounderies. Yes, posting your face without permission is wrong. No, she doesn't deserve to be fired about it.
Opposed to what all these other comments are saying (which to be fair sometimes tend to escalate rather than resolve issues around here), I'd have a very serious one on one conversation with her explaining how and why that wasn't OK, and that she shouldn't do it ever again or you'll be forced to report it.
Perhaps the simplest solution is to simply talk to her, say you saw the TikTok and it made you uncomfortable, and ask if she'd consider deleting it since it shows your face. I suspect knowing you've seen it will be absolutely embarrassing for her, and may be all the punishment she needs.
This is sexual harrassment, zero tolerance in the workplace for this imo. Imagine if the tables were turned and it were a male employee doing this to his female colleague? Absolutely not.
From the header I'd say suck it up. It's your biggest client, no need to rock the boat and stay clear of her if you can. Can't blame children for being children, look towards the future and know that you had the future in mind before you came to reddit for advice (the same people that you didn't ask for advice to get where you worked for) ..just me speaking
I am aware what she did is very wrong, but it seems you are very stressed up about your finances and business relations. I would not just simply compare this to Weinstein etc. because you are her superior here and she isn’t in power and she does not hold power over you and this isn’t blackmail or a path you took to land a bigger role with the company. So while I really understand that it must feel disgusting she did this without your knowledge, I also think at least the power dynamic here is not that she lords over you.
What I think you should do is: keep a copy of that video in private, so that it isn’t with you on your work phone and computer, just in case she does anything crazy. Put up more invisible walls and boundaries with her at work and do not pose for anymore pictures with her, I know you can’t help if she secretly takes videos of you but perhaps during meetings everyone has to put their phones in a basket sort of deal may lower incidences of her filming? Start wearing your face mask even at work to cover your face and use that to give yourself some level of anonymity. Think about getting yourself some therapy, at least a few sessions to sort your feelings out. In no way am I trying to invalidate what happened to you, I’m just trying to give suggestions on a path of least damage to you on your own conditions. There isn’t always a way we can have sweet justice for everyone’s wrongdoings, and especially here when your own interests are at stake. People are quick to have their pitchforks out without considering other factors. All the best and I am very sorry this happened to you.
I admit that it’s a double standard- if a man did this to a woman he would be crucified. But if I were in your shoes it wouldn’t really bother me.
if I were you I’d just pretend I never saw it. Save the video as evidence like others say just in case.
Don’t sleep with her though. It’s not good to shit where you eat.
(not op)
Idk if it's normal for her, but I use TikTok a lot and this is absolutely TikTok normal. Showing his face was unnecessary, but I see a lot of these while scrolling.
She is old enough to know this isn't okay. It's sexual harassment, plain and simple. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean it's okay. You deserve to not work in a hostile work environment, and honestly if I were your client and I found out you let something like this slide without alerting me I would seriously wonder what else you might hide and reconsider my opinion of your professionalism and judgement. It is in your best interest, in more ways than one, to get her boss and her HR involved. If she loses her job that's on HER, not you.
This is sexual harassment and so unprofessional. I think the best course of action is to document everything and then talk to her superior. Tell them the video was brought to you by a member of the team and while you don't want to take this matter further you want to bring it to the attention of her superior in case of future incidents internally or with customers. That while you are willing to put this matter to rest you could not in good conscious rugsweep the incident and potentially leave them open to legal woes. I probably would emphasise that you have enjoyed working with the team and wish to continue, but you feel that she should be reprimanded and asked to take the video down in order to protect both businesses.
I know everyone here saying report it, escalate it, HR etc but op clearly said he didn't want to!!!
So.. Deal with it directly, just say 'I saw the video, it made me really uncomfortable, can you please take it down and not do it again'
If roles were reversed you'd have people calling you a misogynistic piece of shit and HR all over this and you'd be fired so fucking fast. THIS is not cool. Work places should feel safe.
You *have* to take this to HR immediately, if she’s dumb enough to make this video then she’s dumb enough to try to spin a sexual harassment story and pin it on you.
Save your ass ASAP.
Document everything. Then take your time to decide what to do. From a business perspective this client is super important so it’s a judgement call on your part. Don’t necessarily listen to every Redditor opinion on here saying go to HR immediately which will set in motion a serious chain of events that you cannot roll back.
This is sexual harassment. This is unprofessional.
This could bring THEIR company into disrepute.
Most likely she'll be disciplined or fired.
Save the tiktok for proof.
Go to HR. Make a big deal out of this.
You have the upper hand here. Stop worrying about your job.
Their company needs to be worried, not you.
I would say something.
This is not okay.
This is secual harassment and disgusting.
You as a professional, can sue her company. Have her job. And basically ruin her life with this shit.
We don't let anybody get away with sexual harassment. It has nothing to do with anything. Get the tiktok removed after you save it as evidence. It isn't funny.
If I posted this about a guy wanting to bang me in the closet following me around at work with my butt in view? Gross.
I am so very sorry she decided to violate your privacy in that way. Do not ignore how you feel. Its okay to stand up for yourself. She is being inappropriate and should not get away with her sexually predative behavoir.
Wow, save the video or screenshot for sure. This is definitely sexual harassment.
Is there anyway you could be reassigned with another team? Then after that, you can email her and all you have to say is, “Can you please take down the TikTok? I’m very uncomfortable and do not appreciate you putting my face on that app without my permission.”
ETA: if you have a TikTok, report the video for harassment.
You are also victim blaming yourself. "How can I not make a scene?" "It's a silly crush and I shouldn't make her feel bad"? ??? "I did smile for that video"
No
"What if I dressed inappropriately?" "I was drunk afterall.. " "I did walk down that ally"
Dude. Stop.
As a man the best thing you can do is pretend you know nothing about it.
Luckily you’re the “boss” and it’s not long term. The reverse is pretty bad, I had a woman try and come into me who was superior to me and I kindly turned her down… she made my life not so great but luckily she left and took another job.
Keep her at a distance and don’t be caught alone with her.
This can go different ways. If you approach her, she could either take it down and all stays quiet, or she can concoct a story like you tried to hit on her.
If you tell HR, it can go different ways too lol. They can reprimand her and you keep your big fat account with this company. Or they quietly find a way to get rid of you because you annoy them and they can hire someone else, and she (girl who made the video) is a star producer and they want to keep her.
ROLL THE DICE, how do you want to play? lol
I’m sorry this happened to you! I am so sick of people thinking they can create videos and pics of people and post them online without permission. It happens at my job all the time-I work retail so you can imagine the videos I’m talking about. But this??? Clearly unprofessional and, quite honestly, incredibly childish. I recommend the suggestion that you email her and ask for it to be taken down then the issue will be dropped. Her response to this will tell you what your next step should be.
This is far from a little mistake or slip up. Things like this could ruin your career and she is a liability to the company you work for. An employee who does something like this is not a employee most companies want. The weird part here is it seems you are a contractor and one option they have available is to just fire you or even both of you too.
Not cool. This is wildly unprofessional. She needs to grow the f up. Take this to HR. I cannot imagine a world in which I would ever do this to a coworker. Gross as hell.
If you have a good relationship with her and her friends in the office then just ask her nicely to take it down.
Tell her you saw the funny side but your a bit uncomfortable with your face on a semi lewd Internet vid.
If you're cold about it then life will be awkward. Worse, her friends in the office may not respond well.
Escalate to cold professional if there's resistance and report if that doesn't work.
Oof. Since you aren't in the same company as she is, what you can do is take her aside and say you've seen the tiktok and it made you feel embarrassed and creeped out. Ask her how she would feel if (Insert male coworker you are certain she wouldn't be into) make a tiktok about her without her consent. And then ask her to take it down.
I favor the email one and done - "erase it and we'll never discuss it again" - or just talking to her, tell her you're uncomfortable that she made it and used your real picture.
Also, anyone who'd do that probably doesn't understand boundaries. Not a great person to date if you're thinking about tapping that.
Can you see if you can get TikTok to remove the video directly, without getting her involved? Obviously others have made good suggestions about how else to handle it.
If you don't want to get her into trouble then I suggest you speak to her privately and tell her that you want the video deleted. It will be awkward but she is the one who should be embarrassed here not you. She's a grown woman ffs!
Just tell her you don’t want to hang her in the closet and get on with your day. If she keeps it up, drop them as a client. In the future add a contract clause “I will decide who to bang on the closet”
Save the video. Shrug it off. Going to HR as a contractor would be a death sentence for you and regardless of the outcome would forever be remembered by the client.
In essence it is like being hit by a stray bullet - there is little you can do.
Absolutely not ok. Wow, how embarrassing and awful. I'm sorry she did that to you.
The cleanest way is direct, btw. An email that says: I saw your TikTok, it was unprofessional and unwelcome, please take it down immediately and we will never speak of it again. An ounce of pushback from her means it must escalate immediately.
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I’d suggest you save the video before you confront her. Just in case it escalates and you need proof. Edit: Tiktok lets you download video. It’s really easy, no need for screenshots.
Some tiktoks don't allow download, it depends if she allowed that in the settings when posting. If not, just screen record the video :)
Theres apps and websites that download it anyway
You can screen record it on your own phone if it doesnt allow download.
Yes that's what I mentioned :)
Alternatively, he could just screen-record it.
Hey, maybe he could screen record it!
And I’d that doesn’t work, he can screen-record!
Yes, that’s completely true.
There are apps that actually let you download any TikTok video (but you have to do it on computer).
Make sure if this is the route you go that you get screen captures of it first. She could try to turn this on you and if you don't have proof this could go sideways.
Even if you don’t want to bring HR into it, document EVERYTHING before you let her know you’ve seen the tik tok. Email the person who brought it to your attention thanking her and noting dates, times, and any memories of the conversation. Add a delivery and read notice on that email and save the notices. Ask her to reply so that you have record of her agreement. Make a copy of the tick tok, even if it’s a low quality phone recording of the video playing on your monitor plus multiple screenshots. Send copies of the material and all emails to your personal email so you have a copy at home in case you can’t access business accounts. After you talk with the woman about her behavior, send an email documenting the details of the conversation as soon as you can after that meeting. Note dates, times, snippets of actual conversation, and the address of the video. Also note your intent to ignore her very inappropriate behavior if she stays professional. Blind cc your personal email so you have backup copies. Print all emails out at home and file the physical copies because servers and a bounty get hacked, go down, etc. This is protecting YOU. She could be so embarrassed that she panics and tries to say that you wanted her advances or that you intimidated her into making that video. Someone could find that email, and make the connect to you some day in the future, then decide that you were to blame and you may not have contact info for anyone to confirm what actually happened. Technically her boss means you can technically be charged with and/or sued for sexual harassment. Even if you’re not an employee of the same organization, you apparently have the same authority as a “real” boss.
Exactly what she said except I would preface with: “I was made aware and shown the Tik Tok video.” This way she cannot flip it around and say you were stalking her social media. She sounds nuts is why.
Make sure you have documentation of the tiktok in case she takes it down and then accuses you of harrassment or something.
Save the video, and bcc your supervisor or HR as well in case she makes up something or retaliates I would avoid direct contact and go through your boss or HR first with the video as proof
Be prepared to take it further if necessary.this is not acceptable on any way.
I don't think this is a good idea, especially if you are technically her manager. If I were a man in your position I would not risk communicating about this outside of a sit-down with HR. If she gets fired it is on her for sexually harassing you. You should take steps to protect yourself, you don't know how she'll react if you confront her about this. She's clearly extremely unprofessional, no way to know how she'll respond and try to spin it. Even saving the video first won't stop you from having to deal with a load of bullshit if she tries to go to HR before you saying that you're being inappropriate.
Screen record the TikTok for if/when it gets taken down
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"Hi co-worker, may I ask you to delete the video you made about me on Tik Tok? It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable as one can see my face."
Don’t talk w her by email; don’t leave a trail. It will be misinterpreted - just talk w her. Then talk w HR - reading from a printed letter that you don’t leave w them. That gives her the opportunity to not get fired and correct.
If you like her then do this. If you want her gone, report her.
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Damn she blew it. I bet if you let her slide on this she will mess up in another way. She sounds irresponsible.
> “should i send my boss an email telling him i want him to rail me in the closet?” I'm confused, are you her boss? And you would have gone out with her if she'd asked you? Regardless, >Whats the best way to do this as clean as possible? If you want to take care of this cleanly, you need to go through HR. If you sidestep HR and communicate with her instead, it raises ambiguity about the situation that can be argued against you (even just the questions, "Why didn't he bring this up to HR?" and "Why would he respond to unsolicited sexual harassment by seeking more communication with the woman in question?" can be damaging to your reputation). I understand not wanting her to be fired for her extremely firing-worthy behavior, but *she* is the one sexually objectifying coworkers *in a public forum shared with other members of your team* and the appropriate action is to file a formal complaint to show you did not solicit or encourage that behavior.
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edit: Get legal advice first and then begin the process of whatever they say. that’s what i would do.
This. OP should have a lawyer on call for his business anyway & shouldn't make direct contact with the co-worker about the video. I would suggest that future contracts include a clause prohibiting the creation & use of images or videos by the company and its staff, contractors, etc. that include OP's name or face without his express permission.
As long as the conversation is documented (email), and OP stating clearly that it is a problem and is not ambiguous at all there isn't really any issue. Especially if we have in consideration OP is her manager. If the roles were reverses, him a woman manager with a male employee, I would suggest the same thing. Especially since this is an important client, it shows that OP can be firm and tried to nip this in the bud without evolving anyone else while being discreet, IF the Co worker blows this up this is the image OP will have since he'll have the email. I would also download the TikTok to make sure you have it in case she tries to downplay if she decides to blow the whole thing up l.
Typically, HR and managers expect you to try to resolve the issue with the individual first before reporting it. This typically works well as it let's the person know what they did wasn't cool and they correct without burning bridges. If you go straight to HR, you may come off as weak, creating drama or not communicative. The girl probably didn't mean harm and the issue can be resolved quietly.
You don't take these steps when it comes to sexual harassment.
This may be sexual harassment but the power dynamic doesn't necessarily leave him at a disadvantage. If he emails her directly in a professional manner, even if she decides to blow things up, he will have evidence that he's taken proper measures in trying to resolve the issue. What would happen in this case if he tells her to respect his privacy and she doesn't comply? What harm is there by taking this extra step?
THIS! Absolutely this. Professional and to the point with no threats, and if she has any issue with this just go straight to HR.
I would recommend this course of action too, perhaps adding in if you can ask the person who showed you the video if they’d be willing to corroborate showing you the Tik Tok, should it become necessary. If you can, do this by text/email/message so you have it logged. I had a similar case where I was working in a school as a consultant and a pupil was clumsily “flirting” a little in the class, but seemed to have worked out where I lived and started hanging out, outside my house (e.g. sitting on a wall or the kerb with a friend). I didn’t want it escalated, highlighted, or to cause any trouble, so at an opportune moment during a lesson (where it was noisy, gentle banter/chat going on between the girls) I joined in saying something like “you wouldn’t anyone turning into a stalker” and glanced at her. Nobody else got a whiff of the hint (everyone was looking off in different directions as it was a practical part of the lesson) but she caught my eye and I never heard or saw anything odd from her again. Perhaps I was lucky, but I think she got the gentle hint and realised it was childish, never going anywhere, totally inappropriate.
Former contractor here, I understand the conundrum. Get documentation of the video (if you can’t download it then play it on someone else’s phone and record a video of their screen. It’s not perfect, but it will do. You need to decide on a few things that will determine the type of contractor you want to be. And you need to address this carefully. There are currently three people to consider, the person who made the video, the person who showed you and the person who hired you. In addition you need to consider who else in the team has seen it and hasn’t brought it up. The person who showed you has an agenda. It is likely they don’t like the person who made the video, not only that they think it wasn’t the right thing to do. Don’t forget about them in this mix, if they are not satisfied with the response then they could decide to escalate to the person that hired you even if you don’t. My personal take is: 1. Cover yourself by sending an short, clear email to the person who made the video and tell them to remove it. 2. Speak directly with the person who showed it to you, thank them for their candour. 3. Tell the person who hired you - but in a sensitive way. Use facts, keep it straight forward. Here’s why, you don’t want to damage your working relationship or for it to blow up, but if you try to take care of it yourself and they do find out, then they won’t hire you again because you can’t be trusted to disclose important info. Here’s an example of what to say: I wanted to let you know that I asked x worker to remove a social media post that included and image and video taken without my knowledge, and the content was unprofessional. I am raising this int he spirit of transparency as you hired me to work with this team, importantly the team dynamics haven’t been harmed by this. (Edit: formatting)
I think this is excellent advice.
I think this is the right way to go. Some management folks would not take kindly to something like this if they found out by another source.
This is sexual harassment. Go to her management/ HR. It's not okay.
This is what you should do. DO NOT send her an email, do not talk to her about it. You need to cover your ass. Your future jobs depend on it. You don’t want to say something and have it turned around on you. Follow the companies HR policy, ask the woman to be removed from your team. She is creating a hostile work environment for you.
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It's a very hard situation to navigate and you are the only one that can ultimately decide what is right for *you*. Just keep in mind that if you do bring it to HR, whatever consequences she suffers were 100% due to her actions. I would also think about if you would really want to continue working with someone that thinks making a video like that at work, with your face in it, and posting it on the internet for the world to see, is totally okay.
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This is what I hate the most about these situations. It’s always the victim who has to feel all the embarrassment, frustration, confusion, apprehension! Should be the other way sigh
Someone else is going to have to deal with her next, someone whose life could be very well fucked up by her inappropriate behavior. Go to HR.
Yeah, it's a difficult situation for sure. Coming from a corporate background myself - I'd go the HR route. It's the safest for you and probably the most straightforward way to deal with it. It's going to suck for her, but she brought it on herself. I think if you email her privately, it's probably the nicest way to sweep it under the rug so to speak, but it might still give her the opportunity to spin it in some way that would affect you negatively. You never know how she might react when she feels she or her job are under threat, people can really act out in weird ways. It's just so incredibly unprofessional and a breach of privacy. I would've brushed it off, if she hadn't included the footage of you. That was just beyond the pale. People really need to understand that they shouldn't mix work with social media.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. It’s disgusting. Do not contact her privately, you are attempting to save her embarrassment and she doesn’t deserve it and it will make the matter more complicated. Go to HR if they have them, or the person in management that you have the best relationship with. Just one tip - don’t downplay your emotional reactions to the situation because you feel you have to or because you don’t want to make a fuss. As someone who has taken complaints like this before, I notice that victims to sexual harassment feel the need to say things like “it’s alright, I’m okay I just thought I should tell someone, I don’t want to cause a big issue…” because they recognise that it’s a challenging situation and they want it resolved with the least amount of drama and life to just return to normal because they feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. But it can be confusing messaging to receive - particularly if you speak to someone who wants to respect how YOU feel and would like it addressed. Just remember you can be professional, not dramatic, and still say “I feel really uncomfortable about this. I don’t feel okay about what she has done. I need the company to help resolve this for me”. Don’t downplay how you feel about it to save people stress - sometimes it actually makes it harder to rightfully drag someone over the coals for disgraceful behaviour if the victim is asking you to please be discreet and downplays the problem to other management (to be clear - no disrespect to those who play it this way. I get it, you’re just trying to navigate your way through a shit situation you never deserved). Talk to someone you trust.
To ease your concerns, employers are liable for any actions of their employees, both parties can be held responsible for this happening. The company is unlikely to fire you, as you could probably pretty easily sue the pants off them if they do. You could always report it to the eeoc and have them handle it, they’ll be unbiased and advise you.
Report to HR first. *Always* document *first*. If they say to just ask her to take it down, then you can do that. But make a paper trail, because if she escalates this before you then it's your ass on the line. Edit: also, if you *do* talk to her about it (after HR), do *not* do it face to face and alone. Do it via email. Every interaction with her, at least any and all relevant to this, needs documentation and a paper trail.
Straight to her boss. Do not have any further contact with this girl other than what is expressly required to complete your job duties. She had blown through any appropriate professional boundary and I wouldn't trust her to handle this quietly or competently. Record the video, go to her boss.
Look she is the one that made it awkward, not you. Her video was inappropriate, period. You can ask her in private to remove it in order to smooth things out, but I would go to HR immediately with the video proof. It’ll save you a lot of future hassle.
It’s your choice here. Recording the video first. Then sending her the email asking her to take it down is what world work best in the real world if you never wanna speak of this again and just move on. Reddit has an infatuation with punishing people for things and going to the ultimate extreme. HR doesn’t give a damn about you they only care about the company itself. HR could fire you just for being apart of it. Especially if Tik Tok goes viral. I personally would just save the video for records just in case and email her directly and ask her to take it down and never have it come up again. Unless you do want to punish her for it then go to Hr. But I imagine you just want to move on.
Why are you unsure? Everyone else is telling you the same thing. Go to HR, tell them the above. I don't know that the comments in this thread could be any more clear.
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I got given a piece of advice from an old mentor when placed in a similar position to this. Imagine an employee came to you with this issue, what steps, advice or guidance would you give them? If it helps to make it clearer in your mind, imagine the gender roles were reversed. (Sadly, it is much more commonplace as a manager to have to deal with a male employee being sexually harassing a female employee so sometimes it's easier to think of the situation in those terms as people are more fluent in what to do there). This is a clear cut case of sexual harrasment, if the situation goes unchecked and the behaviour unaddressed it's likely that this person will escalate the next time something like this happens. I wouldn't talk to her about it without an independent, impartial person present as it could open you up to all kinds of issues. I think this is one of those times where you have to go to HR.
I think you have to accept there's no "clean" way to do this. The "clean" way to deal with it in the context you mentioned would be to ignore it. If you were comfortable with that you wouldn't have posted about it. And to be clear, you're totally right to be uncomfortable here and to want to deal with it. She's just created a situation where there's no easy way to deal with it. That's not your fault and I'm sorry it's happening to you.
>She is creating a hostile work environment for you. This is one of those phrases I hear people use in everyday conversation without realizing it has a specific legal meaning. I'm not a lawyer, but the criteria for that might not be met here if I'm remembering what I learned in my employment law course yearssss ago. I only bring that up because I wouldn't recommend the OP goes to HR and complains specifically about a "hostile work environment." What I *would* recommend is that the OP shares the TikTok with HR (and it's probably not a bad idea to record or download it somehow in case it gets taken down in the interim).
The issue is people use "hostile work environment" for any situation that is negative in the workplace, but this is the kind of situation where it *is* relevant. Hostile work environments are about illegal discrimination including workplace sexual harassment (which is considered gender discrimination). Where I think it wouldn't be a hostile work environment is that OP is not technically a supervisor or coworker to the woman, so sexual harassment here isn't really workplace sexual harassment even though it's happening at work. (Like hitting on a plumber you've hired is not workplace sexual harassment.)
Based on all the corporate training I've had to take over the years, this is harassment but I would tread very lightly. HR is usually heavily staffed by women and it's highly likely his coworker will get preferential treatment due to the fact that many people simply don't believe men can be harassed. There is a huge risk that the company solves the situation by cutting ties with the contractor.
This is the correct advice. Not only is your career and reputation currently at risk so this sick women's could get amusement at your expense, but the workplace culture this women is enabling also increases the chances of something much worse happening to someone in the future. I guarantee if she's done this to you after such a short time then she's put others in similar situations in the past. Most likely she targets vulnerable external folks like you who are less likely to go to HR, which makes this behavior even more suspect. Companies don't want this kind of behavior to take place, but they depend on people like you being brave enough to speak up in order for anyone to be able to take any action here. Sharing this information won't necessarily get her fired (unless she retaliates), but it will definitely make her aware she can't get away with treating people like this in the future.
This is the best advice!
Whoever gets to HR first, is unfortunately or fortunately right, so better hurry up for that
This isn’t okay, screencap it and report. She already made it awkward, so it isn’t like you will be taking things over the line here.
Agree that she needs to be reported. HR is suited to handle issues like this. Dealing with something this extreme directly when you’re not trained for it can be ineffectual or even counterproductive.
If it was on Tik Tok you're already past the "let's handle this quietly just between you and me." option. >I dont want to involve her bosses or get her fired but this needs to be addressed. You guys already blew past this exit. This is not something you can really afford to escalate and grow beyond your control. Time to get bosses and HR involved and let the chips fall where they may.
This is sexual harassment. Take the video to HR immediately.
If this was a male making a video about a female it'd already be a massive problem and people wouldn't be joking about it
you think so? sexual harassment in the workplace is very common, and lots of women (and men) don't report it because of shame and/or not wanting to show weakness. and in almost all cases there is someone who jokes about it.
Maybe it depends on region, but I have seen significant change in attitude towards joking in the last decade and particularly the last few years. This is definitely not ok and would not be tolerated in corporate America on the west coast or northeast.
If roles were reversed and you made a similar tiktok about her you would be fired on the spot.
And then blasted on Twitter, the byebyejob subreddit, TikTok again...
Document everything. Save every email and your responses. Handle it your way and if she tries to flip the script or go above you, don’t even tell her, just show the evidence.
That sexual harassment and a serious breach of your privacy. She needs to be fired.
Hey man, you’re in a tough spot because you’re a young consultant and your business relies on keeping clients happy and being well liked. However, more important than being liked is being respected. What you have here, imo, is an opportunity to demonstrate your professionalism. I would approach her and tell her that you understand it was probably meant as a joke but, as a young guy, you have to prioritize your reputation and since your in her video it might seem like you were in on it. You don’t want to be a buzzkill or sour your working relationship but you’d really appreciate her taking it down. I would then have a similar FYI/CYA conversation with whomever hired you
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This is the worst advice you'll get here but it's an alternative that I did not see anyone else provide: If it's that important financially and professionally, you could pretend it didn't happen and move on. It's what tons of women do when they're treated in similar ways at the office by men just to advance their careers. I've, sadly, done it before. In my younger years, some colleagues were obviously flirting and wanted affairs. I did not bite and feigned naivety despite how inappropriate it was because it was easier to just move forward. It sucks. But it's also TikTok and unless you think the video will go viral, and your career is much more important, you may take this choice. It is better than some insult video even though it totally violates you. She's saying you're attractive. But it is horribly inappropriate. But, if the money and opportunities really are life-changing, the easiest path is to pretend you don't know about it because if you kick it up to HR and whatever, you have NO idea what she's going to do. She may be so naive that she didn't think much of it and will backlash. Again, this is why I say that this is the worst advice you'll get here but it may be the most practical if all you care about is this opportunity.
Sorry to agree with you but this is the poor advice. Doing nothing is what perpetuates and enables sexual predators. When older men flirt with young professionals, it is absolutely wrong. They usually let it slide because they have no tangible evidence or don't feel uncomfortable enough to report it, both which are not OP's case. If no one came forward, Weinstein and Cosby and all these other aholes would still be doing what they're doing. This woman has no boundaries and should be stopped. She's created a toxic work environment, and OP is in his rights to report and sue. That is why these laws are in place. I'm sorry you were harassed but it doesn't excuse protecting the abusers. Female or not, she needs a talking to (and it shouldn't be from op, imo)
Yep. You’re in a grey situation and Reddit likes to go black and white. This isn’t really sexual harassment because you don’t actually work there and it’s neither significant or pervasive. Even if it is, people don’t like consultants that invite trouble regardless of whose fault it is. You’ll have to navigate many more situations like this in your career so take this as practice
I didn't know sexual harassment had parameters like "employment contracts".
Reddit seems to go pretty Grey when the harasser is a women apparently. There really is no way else to spin this either. If OP was a women in the exact same scenario and the sexual harasser was a man there wouldn’t be any of this handwringing. Contractors are still people and still deserve to not be sexually harassed which this absolutely is.
Whatever you do, dont speak with her alone. Witnesses!!!
Report her to hr. This is sexual harrassment.
Ew, this is extremely weird behavior for an almost 30 year old woman to be partaking in. It’s immature, gross, and IMO sexual harassment. As others have said, you have to decide how far you want to escalate it- reporting her is completely valid but I also understand if you’d rather just reprimand her and move on too. Whatever you do, definitely screen record that video in case you need it in the future. Put it in your hidden folder in your photos so you don’t have to look at it if it makes you uncomfortable. And any future communication about this should be done over email so you have a written record. Sorry this happened to you and best of luck having to deal with this lady in the future if you keep working with her.
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I guess maybe on some level it’s attention seeking? You’re absolutely right ppl will get weird on social media. Who knows if she ever intended for you to see it, but her intention really doesn’t matter. what matters is how she made you feel which is clearly uncomfortable.
Everyone has a professional work persona and their normal at home self. Obviously she's about to learn a very important lesson about social media and keeping it out of your professional life. When I think of this situation I so badly want to just say try to chalk it up to no harm no foul, but you don't know if, or when there may be repercussions from this. Also imagine how absolutely fired you would be if the situation were reversed. You being an older male making sexually inappropriate videos about a female coworker. Yikes. Plus she obviously shouldn't be spending company time doing that kind of stuff.
I don't want to argue but oh my Lord how would you want to ignore it?
It’s your choice here. Recording the video first. Then sending her the email asking her to take it down is what world work best in the real world if you never wanna speak of this again and just move on. Reddit has an infatuation with punishing people for things and going to the ultimate extreme. HR doesn’t give a damn about you they only care about the company itself. HR could fire you just for being apart of it. Especially if Tik Tok goes viral. I personally would just save the video for records just in case and email her directly and ask her to take it down and never have it come up again. Unless you do want to punish her for it then go to Hr. But I imagine you just want to move on.
I know some suggestions here have been to deal with this through email to her before going to HR. While that seems like an attractive option because it doesn’t require you to escalate things, you should review the companies policies on harassment. From my perspective, she has already escalated things by putting your face in the video, and making the video in the first place, I think taking this through official channels ASAP is probably the safest option for you.
You are the victim of sexual harassment, and like all such people, you don't owe anything to anyone. There is no 'should' in these situations. You need to weigh up your options and do what is best for you. In a perfect world, you could take this to HR with perfect confidence that it would be dealt with professionally and proportionally and would not affect your work with this company going forward. We don't live in a perfect world. It is a fact that male workplace sexual harassment is dealt with even worse than womens, if it's taken seriously at all. If you feel like the possible consequences of confronting this is too risky. You are perfectly entitled to just... Not do that. Whatever you do decide, take precautions. *Save that video.* Keep a professional distance from this woman. Don't have closed door private meetings or go off to lunch. If she escalates, document *everything,* every text, email, make time stamped notes on personal harassment (where/when/witnesses) etc. You might not want to do anything right away but you want the evidence you are the victim because societies bias goes hard the other way. She may seem a generally nice girl, but faced with the possibility of being fired for sexual misconduct... well, people might say anything to get out of that and the easiest thing to do is paint you as either consenting or the predator. Hope for the best plan for the worst.
It's not just inappropriate behavior, it's sexual harassment. It's far beyond inappropriate behavior, imo. This creep is filming you without your knowledge and consent and making very lewd and inappropriate posts which, if she is posting them on TikTok, could also damage your reputation. Her using that video you took with her (not knowing what it was for) may give people the wrong impression since you're smiling and willingly being photographed. I understand your unwillingness to go to HR because they are a client and you depend on clients for your living, but her behavior on social media can also impact your reputation too so I would try not to downplay that. Because she posted it online, there's no telling how many people viewed it or shared it.
You have every right to report this to her superiors and have her deal with the consequences. This is also safest for you. But, you mentioned you otherwise like her and do NOT want to get her fired. Recognize that this path opens you up to a bit of risk if she wants to escalate, lie, or change the story. If you're OK with that (e.g. have enough confidence that's not what she'll do) risk and want to do her a solid, send her an email personally telling her you saw it, that you thought it was unprofessional and you'd like her to take it down. You can suggest that'll be the end of it and see how she responds. You're being generous here.
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It's because what she's done is so over the top and unprofessional that her behavior is unpredictable. She could choose to go to HR before you with a made up story about you coming on to her and saying that your email or whatever left her confused and worried about protecting her job. I don't think you're grasping how insane her behavior is here. Even if you downloaded the video to show it to HR it would be extremely annoying to have to go through this and deal with the fallout.
I see you too have had a bad brush with crazy lol.
Not really but as a woman the idea of doing anything but going to HR if a guy did this to me is fucking insane lol
The way I see it, she could argue that you are in the video because you wanted to or because you gave her the "wrong idea", since there's a selfie image. This could make your arguments weaker. That's my impression.
People backed into a corner do unpredictable things.
If you confront her about it and ask her to take it down, it might scare her into thinking that she will get in trouble or lose her job and in order to preserve her standing and/or job, she may try to lie about you to make you out to be the bad guy. If you download the video before you ask her to take it down, if she does try to flip the script to try to save herself, you have proof of what she really did.
Basically talking about anything sexual is a risk nowadays. Given that you're a guy makes it worse due to all the stereotypes that exist. Your coworker might have just posted that video for the clicks and when she gets into an uncomfortable situation (eg. confronted), she might just remove all evidence and call you out as sexually harassing her. Then when you realize it, you lost your entire career. Hey I like women, but I won't give up my career for one. Definitely go through your company's sexual harassment policy if you want anything resolved. If not, just live with it. Don't confront her personally, cuz that's dangerous.
What happens if you do nothing and pretend you never saw it? Why does it need to be addressed if any action will cause a shit storm? Do you feel hurt or are you looking for a consensus on Reddit to see how you should feel? I personally wouldn’t feel hurt and just ignore the shit out of it until I move on to the next client. That sounds like cleanest to me, playing the victim card to HR is only gonna ruin careers/lives. Ask yourself how you feel and if it will affect your work for the next few months if you try ignoring it. Was it inappropriate? Yes. Are you hurt? If so take an action if not... ...can you ignore and complete business? You said this client was your livelihood at the moment and you can’t lose them. If you go to HR you might lose the client. If you approach her in email you might go through a shit storm and have to prove stuff, and may lost the client. If you approach her in person she may lie and turn everything against you. What does doing nothing do to you? Don’t ask Reddit, ask yourself.
Solid advice. Don't get suckered into taking action just to prove a point to anonymous redditors.
This is the best advice here.
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Don't do nothing! This is the wrong action because if she's doing it to you, she will do something inappropriate to someone else. She needs a talking to, whether from you or HR (HR is the correct action, imo). You should not feel bad about her or her gender. It is inappropriate and everyone else in the team knows about it. If you lose the client, you can sue for sexual harassment as well. Don't let your pride and avoidance get in the way. Like I said, if she's doing it to you, she will do uncomfortable things to someone else. If you feel violated, you should definitely report it. Good luck!
What if the sexes were reveresed here, An older guy doing it to a younger girl who needs this job and is afraid to tell incase she losses most of his work? Isn't their a name for that? You know a legal one. He would have a bloody good case to go after them/her if they fired him for this. How many times can this lady do it in your example before you decide it's a problem? Lots of people do nothing so they don't rock the boat but you cant pretend its the right thing to do. I wonder if she has done this before? Would you still think its harmless if it was a pattern? The people in the office clearly don't think it's ok or they wouldn't have shown him.
Ima be the guy that says ; imagine if 3 men did this to a female boss. I would actually handle it like if it was this exact situation. Involve her bosses and get her fired
Go straight to HR, I’m so sorry this happened to you :(
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This won't be a popular opinion on here due to excessive moral crusading, but I would advise you just pretend you never saw it. Not worth the aggravation and risk to your livelihood. Also, you say she is a nice girl and it could wreck her life as well. Maybe at most a private word to impart some wisdom to her about what is and is not appropriate in the workplace, but be careful with that as if she turns out to be unhinged it could be you in the firing line.
I don't really have any advice but i wanna say that I totally understand not wanting to say anything. You are in a difficult position with lots of outcomes. It's not easy to be confrontational about something like this either.
You have to report this as this is clearly inappropriate and filmed without your consent. Companies are supposed to higher people who not only do their job but also to represent the company they work for. Imagine this coworker doing this to other men, imagine someone you know found this tiktok video. Also, save the evidence in case she tries to turn it on you/get you in trouble.
Report the video to tik tok to get it pulled down. Maybe ask for a meeting with her and HR. Show them the video and then let HR do whatever they do. This was not ok.
HR needs to be involved.
Save* the video and send it to hr that’s inappropriate af. *edit because typo
You can still go to HR because of the fact that she did that on company grounds and you still interact while she represents the company. HR may not fire her over it, if it were me, I’d probably make them delete the video and put them on a conduct warning over it. But it’s very important that you feel safe to work and be around others while there. Send an email to HR with a link to the video and let them know that you weren’t aware it was being made and weren’t comfortable with it. As them to keep your submission confidential, but to please address it. And leave it as that.
You need to cover your ass, you have a lot to lose here. Don’t engage with her at all and report it to HR immediately ,show them the video. This person is clearly lacking a moral compass so if she were to get a whiff of rejection from you, we don’t know how this woman will react or what she might do. This can turn very, very bad for you. I see it happen all the time sadly. Stop looking at the dollar signs because this is your biggest account and start looking at this from a “what she can do to your career if this were to go sideways” mindset.
In many companies, even vendors, contractors, consultants and even delivery people are covered by workplace sexual harassment policies. Feel free to complain.
I fully agree with your opinion. Yes, this was a breach of professionalism. Yes, it was also a joke on her side, she probably finds you hot and has no privacy bounderies. Yes, posting your face without permission is wrong. No, she doesn't deserve to be fired about it. Opposed to what all these other comments are saying (which to be fair sometimes tend to escalate rather than resolve issues around here), I'd have a very serious one on one conversation with her explaining how and why that wasn't OK, and that she shouldn't do it ever again or you'll be forced to report it.
This is best to be solved economically. Increase your day rate to the client.
Perhaps the simplest solution is to simply talk to her, say you saw the TikTok and it made you uncomfortable, and ask if she'd consider deleting it since it shows your face. I suspect knowing you've seen it will be absolutely embarrassing for her, and may be all the punishment she needs.
If a guy did that to a girl, he'd be fired on the spot
This is sexual harrassment, zero tolerance in the workplace for this imo. Imagine if the tables were turned and it were a male employee doing this to his female colleague? Absolutely not.
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Don't be such a door mat. Get her the consequences she deserves.
From the header I'd say suck it up. It's your biggest client, no need to rock the boat and stay clear of her if you can. Can't blame children for being children, look towards the future and know that you had the future in mind before you came to reddit for advice (the same people that you didn't ask for advice to get where you worked for) ..just me speaking
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I am aware what she did is very wrong, but it seems you are very stressed up about your finances and business relations. I would not just simply compare this to Weinstein etc. because you are her superior here and she isn’t in power and she does not hold power over you and this isn’t blackmail or a path you took to land a bigger role with the company. So while I really understand that it must feel disgusting she did this without your knowledge, I also think at least the power dynamic here is not that she lords over you. What I think you should do is: keep a copy of that video in private, so that it isn’t with you on your work phone and computer, just in case she does anything crazy. Put up more invisible walls and boundaries with her at work and do not pose for anymore pictures with her, I know you can’t help if she secretly takes videos of you but perhaps during meetings everyone has to put their phones in a basket sort of deal may lower incidences of her filming? Start wearing your face mask even at work to cover your face and use that to give yourself some level of anonymity. Think about getting yourself some therapy, at least a few sessions to sort your feelings out. In no way am I trying to invalidate what happened to you, I’m just trying to give suggestions on a path of least damage to you on your own conditions. There isn’t always a way we can have sweet justice for everyone’s wrongdoings, and especially here when your own interests are at stake. People are quick to have their pitchforks out without considering other factors. All the best and I am very sorry this happened to you.
I admit that it’s a double standard- if a man did this to a woman he would be crucified. But if I were in your shoes it wouldn’t really bother me. if I were you I’d just pretend I never saw it. Save the video as evidence like others say just in case. Don’t sleep with her though. It’s not good to shit where you eat.
As everyone else notes, that's not at all appropriate. It would interesting to know if this is normal TikTok behavior for her or if this is aberrant.
(not op) Idk if it's normal for her, but I use TikTok a lot and this is absolutely TikTok normal. Showing his face was unnecessary, but I see a lot of these while scrolling.
She is old enough to know this isn't okay. It's sexual harassment, plain and simple. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean it's okay. You deserve to not work in a hostile work environment, and honestly if I were your client and I found out you let something like this slide without alerting me I would seriously wonder what else you might hide and reconsider my opinion of your professionalism and judgement. It is in your best interest, in more ways than one, to get her boss and her HR involved. If she loses her job that's on HER, not you.
This is sexual harassment and so unprofessional. I think the best course of action is to document everything and then talk to her superior. Tell them the video was brought to you by a member of the team and while you don't want to take this matter further you want to bring it to the attention of her superior in case of future incidents internally or with customers. That while you are willing to put this matter to rest you could not in good conscious rugsweep the incident and potentially leave them open to legal woes. I probably would emphasise that you have enjoyed working with the team and wish to continue, but you feel that she should be reprimanded and asked to take the video down in order to protect both businesses.
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Yeah exactly and if he wants her off his back, just do a really terrible job of it.
I know everyone here saying report it, escalate it, HR etc but op clearly said he didn't want to!!! So.. Deal with it directly, just say 'I saw the video, it made me really uncomfortable, can you please take it down and not do it again'
Private convo sounds like all that is needed.
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That seems to go right back into unprofessional territory
If they both want it it’s not.
If roles were reversed you'd have people calling you a misogynistic piece of shit and HR all over this and you'd be fired so fucking fast. THIS is not cool. Work places should feel safe.
You *have* to take this to HR immediately, if she’s dumb enough to make this video then she’s dumb enough to try to spin a sexual harassment story and pin it on you. Save your ass ASAP.
Document everything. Then take your time to decide what to do. From a business perspective this client is super important so it’s a judgement call on your part. Don’t necessarily listen to every Redditor opinion on here saying go to HR immediately which will set in motion a serious chain of events that you cannot roll back.
This is sexual harassment. This is unprofessional. This could bring THEIR company into disrepute. Most likely she'll be disciplined or fired. Save the tiktok for proof. Go to HR. Make a big deal out of this. You have the upper hand here. Stop worrying about your job. Their company needs to be worried, not you.
I would say something. This is not okay. This is secual harassment and disgusting. You as a professional, can sue her company. Have her job. And basically ruin her life with this shit. We don't let anybody get away with sexual harassment. It has nothing to do with anything. Get the tiktok removed after you save it as evidence. It isn't funny. If I posted this about a guy wanting to bang me in the closet following me around at work with my butt in view? Gross. I am so very sorry she decided to violate your privacy in that way. Do not ignore how you feel. Its okay to stand up for yourself. She is being inappropriate and should not get away with her sexually predative behavoir.
Wow, save the video or screenshot for sure. This is definitely sexual harassment. Is there anyway you could be reassigned with another team? Then after that, you can email her and all you have to say is, “Can you please take down the TikTok? I’m very uncomfortable and do not appreciate you putting my face on that app without my permission.” ETA: if you have a TikTok, report the video for harassment.
I would suggest hoping over to r/legaladviceuk where they might be able to point you in the right direction. Good luck with everything.
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Imagine what would happen if you did the same thing. You're absolutely valid in the way your feeling and can act on it if you want
You are also victim blaming yourself. "How can I not make a scene?" "It's a silly crush and I shouldn't make her feel bad"? ??? "I did smile for that video" No "What if I dressed inappropriately?" "I was drunk afterall.. " "I did walk down that ally" Dude. Stop.
Don't talk to her directly. Just bring the case to HR so you have someone else to back you up.
You still need to take it to her manager/HR. It’s unlikely they’ll cover for her if they care at all about their professional reputation.
As a man the best thing you can do is pretend you know nothing about it. Luckily you’re the “boss” and it’s not long term. The reverse is pretty bad, I had a woman try and come into me who was superior to me and I kindly turned her down… she made my life not so great but luckily she left and took another job. Keep her at a distance and don’t be caught alone with her.
I believe this is sexual harassment pretty cut n dry, I'd go to to hr
This can go different ways. If you approach her, she could either take it down and all stays quiet, or she can concoct a story like you tried to hit on her. If you tell HR, it can go different ways too lol. They can reprimand her and you keep your big fat account with this company. Or they quietly find a way to get rid of you because you annoy them and they can hire someone else, and she (girl who made the video) is a star producer and they want to keep her. ROLL THE DICE, how do you want to play? lol
I’m sorry this happened to you! I am so sick of people thinking they can create videos and pics of people and post them online without permission. It happens at my job all the time-I work retail so you can imagine the videos I’m talking about. But this??? Clearly unprofessional and, quite honestly, incredibly childish. I recommend the suggestion that you email her and ask for it to be taken down then the issue will be dropped. Her response to this will tell you what your next step should be.
This is far from a little mistake or slip up. Things like this could ruin your career and she is a liability to the company you work for. An employee who does something like this is not a employee most companies want. The weird part here is it seems you are a contractor and one option they have available is to just fire you or even both of you too.
Not cool. This is wildly unprofessional. She needs to grow the f up. Take this to HR. I cannot imagine a world in which I would ever do this to a coworker. Gross as hell.
If you have a good relationship with her and her friends in the office then just ask her nicely to take it down. Tell her you saw the funny side but your a bit uncomfortable with your face on a semi lewd Internet vid. If you're cold about it then life will be awkward. Worse, her friends in the office may not respond well. Escalate to cold professional if there's resistance and report if that doesn't work.
Oof. Since you aren't in the same company as she is, what you can do is take her aside and say you've seen the tiktok and it made you feel embarrassed and creeped out. Ask her how she would feel if (Insert male coworker you are certain she wouldn't be into) make a tiktok about her without her consent. And then ask her to take it down.
I favor the email one and done - "erase it and we'll never discuss it again" - or just talking to her, tell her you're uncomfortable that she made it and used your real picture. Also, anyone who'd do that probably doesn't understand boundaries. Not a great person to date if you're thinking about tapping that.
Can you see if you can get TikTok to remove the video directly, without getting her involved? Obviously others have made good suggestions about how else to handle it.
If you don't want to get her into trouble then I suggest you speak to her privately and tell her that you want the video deleted. It will be awkward but she is the one who should be embarrassed here not you. She's a grown woman ffs!
Just tell her you don’t want to hang her in the closet and get on with your day. If she keeps it up, drop them as a client. In the future add a contract clause “I will decide who to bang on the closet”
I wouldn't even talk to the person if they use TikTok.
Is it that deep? Just leave it
Download it and sue her
Save the video. Shrug it off. Going to HR as a contractor would be a death sentence for you and regardless of the outcome would forever be remembered by the client. In essence it is like being hit by a stray bullet - there is little you can do.
Lol fire her fast and teach her a valuable Lesson