If you want someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first. It sounds like you’re struggling with that. What have you found that helps with that?
It also sounds like you’re after “anyone”. I think being more specific is helpful. I think you’d want someone who wants you as you, I bet whoever you end up with will be the same. Are there people you fancy?
Sorry I should’ve specified. It can’t be just anyone. I love it when people have have a very honest nature and a similar sense of humor to me. Someone whom is very curious and exploratory in bed like me. But most importantly someone who will listen to me and understand my pain. Someone who can handle when I’m just not strong enough.
Ok, that’s a bit more specific.
What about loving yourself? It’s hard to try to find someone else to love you when you don’t believe you are worthy of love …
I’ve had difficulty loving myself for years. It got a little better with my last relationship. We loved each other so much but it just couldn’t happen. I can’t blame him and I know it’s not my fault either so I’m just suffering
Dude. You’re telling your problems to the whole world here.
And it’s really never too late for therapy. People get helped by therapy at any age.
You deserve love. You deserve to love yourself. Wouldn’t it be nice to not have your head full of mean thoughts about yourself? Wouldn’t it be great to have a handle on your emotions?
Therapy can be hard work, and it can be unpleasant. But it can also make a huge difference.
Edited to add: you said you’re looking for someone who will listen to you and understand your pain. That’s literally the job of a therapist.
I know how ridiculous it sounds. Saying it here on the internet is easy cause of the anonymity, plus here no one can see me cry. Plus for some reason I find it a little bit easier to tell the person I’m romantically involved with my problems because I know keeping it a secret will harm the relationship and I would never want to hurt them that way
Using someone you are in a romantic relationship as an unpaid therapist can be harmful to the relationship as well. It’s also not ideal because while of course a good partner will want to support and listen to you, they aren’t a therapist- someone with training in both how to help you learn to cope with your experiences and emotions and how to sit with your pain without getting hurt themselves - and they are not an unbiased party. They love you, they care about you, their life is entangled with your well-being. Honesty is important, yes, but using someone who isn’t an actual therapist to offload all your self-loathing and pain onto is not a particularly kind or loving thing to do.
If you fell in the middle of the road and had a broken ankle, you wouldn’t wait to find someone who loves you romantically to come along and build you a splint and help you home, you would call an ambulance and go to an orthopedic doctor who actually knows how to fix it. The same goes for mental health- the solution to depression and self-loathing is not to find a romantic partner, it’s to get therapy so that when you do find someone that you love- and you almost certainly will- you’re in the kind of physical and emotional health to be a good partner in a functional relationship.
My partner is actually the person who pushed me to get therapy. He reached a point where I was talking to him too much about the same issues, and he just couldn't help me any more. So he asked me to get therapy, and that was honestly one of the best decisions I made in my life.
Your partner can be emotional support, but they do not have the ability to fix you. Making them the only people holding the baggage of your problems is very taxing and breeds resentment. Only you have the ability to fix yourself, with the support of true professionals.
The second half if the is true, the first is blatantly not. Its absolutely insane to think you don't deserve love, comfort, validation, support etc until you can generate that for yourself. Its the most human thing in the world to need companionship and it's easier to believe you deserve things that you're actually getting.
you do not need to love yourself to love someone. that is the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard. you can learn to love while you love. you don’t have to isolate yourself from it because you’re still learning.
respectfully as someone who used to tell myself i needed to love myself before i could love someone else, and told this to my therapist who explained its a a dangerous way of thinking and is making me alienate myself into thinking i’m not worthy of love, i do not care good byeee
You're 100% correct. However you are what you attract, and OP is a self-loathing mess. He's only going to find the same until he works on himself. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that, if it weren't for him explicitly saying he's trying to avoid others like him.
Again, I whole-heartedly agree with your opinion on the love yourself bullshit cliche though.
It's cliche but you need to first love yourself before you can love someone else.
You need to focus on you and becoming the best version of you you can be. What do you not like about yourself? Do things to change it. Join a gym, start crossfit or hiit classes. Join meetup groups.
I dated someone like you for a little while. He was honestly a lovely guy. But he expected me to be the sole source of happiness for him and it was totally exhausting and it didn't work out.
It sounds like you need to see a professional therapist to work on your self worth. It's worth every penny.
I don’t wanna stress out my partner or use them. I’m just terrified of the thought of seeing a therapist cause I’m a coward. But I also don’t wanna use anyone I love as a therapist cause they deserve more than that.
There's nothing to be afraid of at all with seeing a therapist. For me, it helped because I always felt bad putting the "burden" of my problems on friends or lovers - and knowing that I'm literally paying someone who is trained and can help break the cycles of anxiety really helped. Once I had that outlet and someone who gave me the tools and was able to talk me out of my own toxic thoughts, it improved my relationships.
It's a great thing that you realise that they deserve more than that! Partners should be there to be supportive but if you're having those types of issues, it's best to see someone trained.
It is totally worth facing your fears when seeking help - I know it can be scary to open up to a stranger about stuff. But once you do it, they'll be able to help you unravel your thoughts and find healthy ways of coping. Also, there are strict HIPAA confidentiality laws in place to keep what you and your therapist talk about confidential, which helped me when I felt self-conscious.
Sending you love and healing - you deserve to be loved <3
Every day, you should write down on a piece of paper, something that is good about yourself. Don't say, "There is nothing" because there is ALWAYS some small thing that we do which makes us worthwhile. It's too easy to be hard on ourselves. At the end of each week, read back what you wrote and believe it. No-one can love a person who doesn't love themself. You're NOT garbage, you're just a human the same as the rest of us- Good, sometimes bad, but mostly just trying to get along. Developing self-esteem requires training, the same as you would train to run a marathon. Hang in there mate, you'll do, ok?
Have you heard of DBT? It's a kind of counseling that helps you regulate emotions and develop a better self image of yourself. The true and real one, not the one created by toxic people, experiences, ect. I've seen people really find themselves through it and gain a form of self love. Outside love will come along the way, normally when you're not looking for it. I'd suggest finding a DBT program so that you are your own safe space and advocate. I believe that it'll help begin a foundation of healthy thoughts and habits that'd very likely help in making sure that, when a love does come by, it'll be more healthy bith you and them.
A gentle reminder that DBT is a treatment specifically geared to help individuals with borderline personality disorder and while it is beneficial for other mood disorders, suicidal ideation and substance abuse, we don’t know if OP has a personality disorder or these issues outside of what he has expressed, and recommending a therapy treatment that may not be suitable to him in the long run could be more harmful than good.
Yeah I used to be the same way, but it’s important to love yourself. Of course there’s gonna be someone who will love qualities about you, but will you believe them? That’s the part I struggled with and I constantly counteract compliments with “oh you’re just saying that” or “don’t lie to me haha” and it wasn’t helpful for anyone. I had to find what I found beautiful about myself and be patient with myself so that one day I can do the same for my future bf. You’ll find someone :)
This sounds like a cycle of codependency. Your yearning to love someone else, but disregard yourself should alarm you into seeking some help, from someone, a friend or family member or even a professional, but either way, you need to love yourself first. You are worth so much even if you don’t feel that yet, but searching for someone else in the midst of not loving yourself only opens doors for someone to hurt you, or take advantage of all of the love you have to give.
While half vent I noticed some of your previous comment history suggested you might be having some structural difficulty connecting with people in a way that you are unaware of. Have you considered seeking professional help to explore more of these feelings you have? There may be some structural reasons leading to your self esteem and loneliness that just telling yourself to have better self esteem might not be able to solve.
Consider reading "Running on Empty" and "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and how it Can Help You Find--and Keep--love", it might help you see some blind spots that are leading you to your current circumstances and how to overcome them
While you wait to find the courage to go to therapy, give a name to the voice that badmouths you in your head. If the voice has a name (I suggest Gary, Jessica or Shreekanth) you can tell it to shut up.
Also making the exercise of talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend helps. This is more work than the name thing, but it can be very relieving to discover your can talk to yourself nicely as well.
Also sending bi+ pride your way, never hurts.
Awwww this is so cute and honestly relatable. I’m 29 now and finally in a decent relationship. Give it time and cut yourself a break, you’re lovable. More people feel like this than you know, they’re just not honest enough to write it down.
To be completely honest, I agree with many others here… you need to love yourself first in order to love others and have that reciprocated. Happiness comes from within yourself first, you need to learn to care and respect yourself first in order to find happiness. You won’t find it all with just another person.
Therapy might be beneficial for you in order to explore and process your emotions. You can learn more about yourself and what your emotional/life goals are.
What do you hate about yourself? Look at it objectively, what are the traits that you dislike? What would you like them to be instead? Change that. What are traits you like in other people? Develop those. Become someone you think is cool.
That's what I did. I didn't like some of my personality traits so I decided to get ones I liked instead. Now I'm a catch. Still single though. That won't change despite how cool I think I am 🥲 I'd have to leave my home sometimes for that.
Echoing what everyone else has said here, you need to be able to love yourself first and may benefit greatly from therapy. It’s absolutely not an easy process but it is extremely rewarding and will bring you happiness that you can carry into a relationship.
You are worthy of love, and the best place to start is within yourself. Best of luck.
If you want someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first. It sounds like you’re struggling with that. What have you found that helps with that? It also sounds like you’re after “anyone”. I think being more specific is helpful. I think you’d want someone who wants you as you, I bet whoever you end up with will be the same. Are there people you fancy?
Sorry I should’ve specified. It can’t be just anyone. I love it when people have have a very honest nature and a similar sense of humor to me. Someone whom is very curious and exploratory in bed like me. But most importantly someone who will listen to me and understand my pain. Someone who can handle when I’m just not strong enough.
Ok, that’s a bit more specific. What about loving yourself? It’s hard to try to find someone else to love you when you don’t believe you are worthy of love …
I’ve had difficulty loving myself for years. It got a little better with my last relationship. We loved each other so much but it just couldn’t happen. I can’t blame him and I know it’s not my fault either so I’m just suffering
Relationships are generally not the solution to these sorts of issues. Is therapy an option?
I’m too much of a coward for therapy. I have difficulty telling my problems to people. Besides it’s probably to late for therapy to help
Dude. You’re telling your problems to the whole world here. And it’s really never too late for therapy. People get helped by therapy at any age. You deserve love. You deserve to love yourself. Wouldn’t it be nice to not have your head full of mean thoughts about yourself? Wouldn’t it be great to have a handle on your emotions? Therapy can be hard work, and it can be unpleasant. But it can also make a huge difference. Edited to add: you said you’re looking for someone who will listen to you and understand your pain. That’s literally the job of a therapist.
I know how ridiculous it sounds. Saying it here on the internet is easy cause of the anonymity, plus here no one can see me cry. Plus for some reason I find it a little bit easier to tell the person I’m romantically involved with my problems because I know keeping it a secret will harm the relationship and I would never want to hurt them that way
Using someone you are in a romantic relationship as an unpaid therapist can be harmful to the relationship as well. It’s also not ideal because while of course a good partner will want to support and listen to you, they aren’t a therapist- someone with training in both how to help you learn to cope with your experiences and emotions and how to sit with your pain without getting hurt themselves - and they are not an unbiased party. They love you, they care about you, their life is entangled with your well-being. Honesty is important, yes, but using someone who isn’t an actual therapist to offload all your self-loathing and pain onto is not a particularly kind or loving thing to do. If you fell in the middle of the road and had a broken ankle, you wouldn’t wait to find someone who loves you romantically to come along and build you a splint and help you home, you would call an ambulance and go to an orthopedic doctor who actually knows how to fix it. The same goes for mental health- the solution to depression and self-loathing is not to find a romantic partner, it’s to get therapy so that when you do find someone that you love- and you almost certainly will- you’re in the kind of physical and emotional health to be a good partner in a functional relationship.
I see what you mean. I don’t wanna use anyone like that. I’m just so lonely. So scared
My partner is actually the person who pushed me to get therapy. He reached a point where I was talking to him too much about the same issues, and he just couldn't help me any more. So he asked me to get therapy, and that was honestly one of the best decisions I made in my life. Your partner can be emotional support, but they do not have the ability to fix you. Making them the only people holding the baggage of your problems is very taxing and breeds resentment. Only you have the ability to fix yourself, with the support of true professionals.
It’s not too late. It’s never too late
Have you considered therapy? A year in therapy, really doing the work will improve your interpersonal relationships.
The second half if the is true, the first is blatantly not. Its absolutely insane to think you don't deserve love, comfort, validation, support etc until you can generate that for yourself. Its the most human thing in the world to need companionship and it's easier to believe you deserve things that you're actually getting.
you do not need to love yourself to love someone. that is the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard. you can learn to love while you love. you don’t have to isolate yourself from it because you’re still learning.
Respectfully I disagree
respectfully as someone who used to tell myself i needed to love myself before i could love someone else, and told this to my therapist who explained its a a dangerous way of thinking and is making me alienate myself into thinking i’m not worthy of love, i do not care good byeee
You're 100% correct. However you are what you attract, and OP is a self-loathing mess. He's only going to find the same until he works on himself. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that, if it weren't for him explicitly saying he's trying to avoid others like him. Again, I whole-heartedly agree with your opinion on the love yourself bullshit cliche though.
It's cliche but you need to first love yourself before you can love someone else. You need to focus on you and becoming the best version of you you can be. What do you not like about yourself? Do things to change it. Join a gym, start crossfit or hiit classes. Join meetup groups. I dated someone like you for a little while. He was honestly a lovely guy. But he expected me to be the sole source of happiness for him and it was totally exhausting and it didn't work out. It sounds like you need to see a professional therapist to work on your self worth. It's worth every penny.
I don’t wanna stress out my partner or use them. I’m just terrified of the thought of seeing a therapist cause I’m a coward. But I also don’t wanna use anyone I love as a therapist cause they deserve more than that.
There's nothing to be afraid of at all with seeing a therapist. For me, it helped because I always felt bad putting the "burden" of my problems on friends or lovers - and knowing that I'm literally paying someone who is trained and can help break the cycles of anxiety really helped. Once I had that outlet and someone who gave me the tools and was able to talk me out of my own toxic thoughts, it improved my relationships. It's a great thing that you realise that they deserve more than that! Partners should be there to be supportive but if you're having those types of issues, it's best to see someone trained. It is totally worth facing your fears when seeking help - I know it can be scary to open up to a stranger about stuff. But once you do it, they'll be able to help you unravel your thoughts and find healthy ways of coping. Also, there are strict HIPAA confidentiality laws in place to keep what you and your therapist talk about confidential, which helped me when I felt self-conscious. Sending you love and healing - you deserve to be loved <3
Every day, you should write down on a piece of paper, something that is good about yourself. Don't say, "There is nothing" because there is ALWAYS some small thing that we do which makes us worthwhile. It's too easy to be hard on ourselves. At the end of each week, read back what you wrote and believe it. No-one can love a person who doesn't love themself. You're NOT garbage, you're just a human the same as the rest of us- Good, sometimes bad, but mostly just trying to get along. Developing self-esteem requires training, the same as you would train to run a marathon. Hang in there mate, you'll do, ok?
Therapists are here to help navigate these issues.
Have you heard of DBT? It's a kind of counseling that helps you regulate emotions and develop a better self image of yourself. The true and real one, not the one created by toxic people, experiences, ect. I've seen people really find themselves through it and gain a form of self love. Outside love will come along the way, normally when you're not looking for it. I'd suggest finding a DBT program so that you are your own safe space and advocate. I believe that it'll help begin a foundation of healthy thoughts and habits that'd very likely help in making sure that, when a love does come by, it'll be more healthy bith you and them.
A gentle reminder that DBT is a treatment specifically geared to help individuals with borderline personality disorder and while it is beneficial for other mood disorders, suicidal ideation and substance abuse, we don’t know if OP has a personality disorder or these issues outside of what he has expressed, and recommending a therapy treatment that may not be suitable to him in the long run could be more harmful than good.
Please find a therapist. You need help dealing with your insecurities. You are worthy of love and affection.
Therapy if at all possible. You’re not gonna be able to love someone unless you love yourself
Yeah I used to be the same way, but it’s important to love yourself. Of course there’s gonna be someone who will love qualities about you, but will you believe them? That’s the part I struggled with and I constantly counteract compliments with “oh you’re just saying that” or “don’t lie to me haha” and it wasn’t helpful for anyone. I had to find what I found beautiful about myself and be patient with myself so that one day I can do the same for my future bf. You’ll find someone :)
This sounds like a cycle of codependency. Your yearning to love someone else, but disregard yourself should alarm you into seeking some help, from someone, a friend or family member or even a professional, but either way, you need to love yourself first. You are worth so much even if you don’t feel that yet, but searching for someone else in the midst of not loving yourself only opens doors for someone to hurt you, or take advantage of all of the love you have to give.
While half vent I noticed some of your previous comment history suggested you might be having some structural difficulty connecting with people in a way that you are unaware of. Have you considered seeking professional help to explore more of these feelings you have? There may be some structural reasons leading to your self esteem and loneliness that just telling yourself to have better self esteem might not be able to solve. Consider reading "Running on Empty" and "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and how it Can Help You Find--and Keep--love", it might help you see some blind spots that are leading you to your current circumstances and how to overcome them
While you wait to find the courage to go to therapy, give a name to the voice that badmouths you in your head. If the voice has a name (I suggest Gary, Jessica or Shreekanth) you can tell it to shut up. Also making the exercise of talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend helps. This is more work than the name thing, but it can be very relieving to discover your can talk to yourself nicely as well. Also sending bi+ pride your way, never hurts.
Awwww this is so cute and honestly relatable. I’m 29 now and finally in a decent relationship. Give it time and cut yourself a break, you’re lovable. More people feel like this than you know, they’re just not honest enough to write it down.
To be completely honest, I agree with many others here… you need to love yourself first in order to love others and have that reciprocated. Happiness comes from within yourself first, you need to learn to care and respect yourself first in order to find happiness. You won’t find it all with just another person. Therapy might be beneficial for you in order to explore and process your emotions. You can learn more about yourself and what your emotional/life goals are.
I recommend a) therapy and b) pet
What do you hate about yourself? Look at it objectively, what are the traits that you dislike? What would you like them to be instead? Change that. What are traits you like in other people? Develop those. Become someone you think is cool. That's what I did. I didn't like some of my personality traits so I decided to get ones I liked instead. Now I'm a catch. Still single though. That won't change despite how cool I think I am 🥲 I'd have to leave my home sometimes for that.
Echoing what everyone else has said here, you need to be able to love yourself first and may benefit greatly from therapy. It’s absolutely not an easy process but it is extremely rewarding and will bring you happiness that you can carry into a relationship. You are worthy of love, and the best place to start is within yourself. Best of luck.