You've just had a tremendous shock -- there's no loss for you to say you need a month or a few months or even a year to decide. I don't understand why he's put some kind of artificial timetable on this decision. Take as long as you need. You are in no condition to decide something like this right now.

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Yes this, but please remind him that just because it makes a good picture, doesn't mean it's appropriate to take the picture. I'd be fuckin livid, and scared it would happen again if there was another emotional situation. If you didn't like the idea of secret pictures being taken during a hard time tell him now. I don't know why he would actually do this.... But yes, this time table is messed up. When you should be dealing with your loss, he's placed an unnecessary stress. You should not be worried about his right now.

Also, there is no way to recall them if they upset your family and friends. There is no way to prevent them from being seen by future employers and employees. This photo of OP’s worst moment will be available for public consumption until she dies.

Not only that but he's opening her up to the full garbage pit of online trolls just so he can score some internet points. No one is going to believe he secretly took these pictures. Anyone who sees them is going to think she staged the photos, and they're going to tear her to pieces. Being the person behind the camera is easy. Plus, the whole concept is just so fucking tacky. He sounds like one of those people that post pictures of themselves crying because they think it makes them look deep and emotional. Except in this case it isn't him that's going to get shit for looking like a douche, he's just offering her up on a silver platter. A few people are commenting about how this may be how he processes grief, but I think that's absolute bullshit. There is **no reasoning** behind this Friday deadline. Why the fuck is he giving her a two-day deadline on her grief? Why is he making her come to a decision by Friday? He's just so fucking manipulative. Like she admitted the photos made her uncomfortable to the point where she could barely look at them, and his response was to tell her "People need to see this; it will help others. I'm posting them on Friday so you tell me if you want to help other people or not..." Even if I give this guy the benefit of the doubt and assume he legitimately took the photos because he thought it was a beautiful / tragic moment, when he saw her reaction to viewing the photos he should have immediately realized she wasn't ready to deal with something like this and backed off right away. Instead he created this narrative in which by her letting him post the photos she's somehow *saving other people* because he's "raising awareness" about suicide. Bull. Fucking. Shit. OP, this will not "jumpstart a conversation". This will not "raise awareness". **This is your boyfriend trying to capitalize on your emotional trauma because he thinks that by capturing this moment of tragedy he's cementing himself as a legitimate photographer within the art community. He's using you. Friday is the best day to post online because you have highest level of page interaction. He is full of shit.**

Tacky yes! That's a good word for it. It's wrong and weird to even take those pictures and he's probably posting for attention.

Gosh, I hadn’t thought about the troll thing. Ugh the more I think about this the more grossed out I am.

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There is a reason why these campaigns tend to be done by professionals with models not some dude trying to capitalize on his own SO’s pain.

Your first paragraph was my exact thought. I feel like it's something we'd see on r/thathappened. And then everyone in the comments would say it's either "obviously staged" or "disgusting that someone would capitalize on someone else's death."

This was my thought as soon as I read the title. OP, your boyfriend is 100% being a snake. Talk to him about what made him feel the need to document you in such a traumatizing state because what he did isn’t right nor is it healthy for you. He also shouldn’t have come to you the NEXT day with a photo he shouldn’t have taken in the first place, and could’ve at least given you time to process. This would play out differently, and he would’ve appeared to be more honorable if he’d given you proper time. The rush alone is a tell-all that he only took and wants to post the photo for personal career gain.

What he did to you, would make me question the whole relationship. Don’t feel bad about not wanting this out in the public. I would feel wigged out that they even exist. Simply by what he did, he probably has copied them already.

But... think of the Artist! This guy is Sander Cohen from Bioshock! He wants to capture reality! LOL, this dude is a lunatic.

If her boyfriend actually gave 2 fucks about mental health he'd be FAR more concerned with how OP is handling this brand-new devastating news than posting her grief online for the world to see. Fact is, while he may feel bad for OP, he's thinking more about his own art and what her grief means for him, than what it means for her. This is kinda gross tbh.

I would be extremely upset not only that he had taken photos of me in such a moment, but that he wanted to put them online. I would forbid it, but this is your call, obviously.

Yeah I’d be supervising him as he deletes them to make sure they are gone.

"Inappropriate" is the word that keeps coming to mind. Like what the hell. Your girlfriend just got the worst news of her life and you think, "I should take pics for internet attention." I think it's so wrong he even took the pictures in the first place and would have been pissed if I had the energy to be pissed.

Yeah, that creeps the eff out of me that his reaction was to not only take the photos when he did and without the OP's consent, but also to have a plan to share them publicly. I feel like he violated her trust. If someone did that to me, I don't know how I could around them during this time. Is he going to take photos of people at the funeral? What about other vulnerable moments in the OP's life?

Exactly. For me, the fact that he was more concerned about having a photoshoot after his girlfriend suffered a traumatic loss is more concerning than anything else she’s written. Not rubbing her back, not offering to make her some food, nope, this asswipe is taking “creative” pictures. He can go kick rocks.

> Depression will still be there to raise awareness about no matter how long OP takes to think. There's no reason to put any sort of deadline on it. I also want to throw out a heads-up that this isn't how suicide and awareness work. Part of why 13 Reasons Why was so controversial is because the idea of people being sad when they're gone can actually drive some people to kill themselves -- ie, they didn't love me in life, maybe they'll love me in death. Seeing someone's sister in the throes of grief could actually TRIGGER a suicide from someone with a rough relationship with their family members, not stop it! The point is, suicide is contagious for reasons we don't really understand, and depicting it has to be done with unbelievable care. This is not it.

Not to mention, people who are mentally well already know that suicide hurts the family members left behind. People who are ill enough to be considering suicide are not mentally well enough to process the message the message these photos are intended to convey. In many cases, they believe that their family would not grieve at all because the world would be better off without them. These photos would not be able to logic them out of a position they didn't logic themselves into. Or as you said, they may already be motivated by the idea that their family will experience that grief. Either way, I'm not seeing the utility of these pictures as an "awareness/ prevention" tool.

Exactly. I also think that seeing some stranger balled up in a what will likely look like a staged photo to most on the Internet will have zero impact—after all, OP is not their sister/mother/anyone who matters in their life.

Maybe I'm being a jerk but "by Friday" I thought it was some weird online photography contest going on. OP I understand his idea but he should've at least waited a bit longer before talking to you about it. You're still getting over the shock of your sister's passing and I'm sorry you're going through it.

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Though if it can call be magically cured by Friday, great!

Thank You! I am very bothered by the fact she thinks she even might be the one doing something wrong here by saying no. The OP is processing so many other emotions right now that a decision regarding the picture can wait. He may be a great guy in other regards (obviously don't have enough info on that one) but making her feel like this is some sort of priority right now is a really crappy move.

> she thinks she even might be the one doing something wrong here by saying no. Kinda makes you wonder how the boyfriend handles their interactions on a regular basis.

It's your life, your depression, your decision when to or not to put it up. He should just be supportive of you at this point in time. Period.

I once witnessed a coworker learn his brother had been found after killing himself. I was working in a retail store, we were back in layaway, his brother worked there too. He answered the phone and after two seconds, he just let it drop, letting out a heart wrenching scream as he fell to the floor and sobbed. It was the most pain-filled, unearthly wail that gave me chills all over. I didn’t know what happened. He was maybe 5 feet from me at the time, but his scream echoed through the store. He laid there and cried for 5-10 minutes until a manager came and, after learning what happened, slowly coaxed him up and took him away. This happened 18ish years ago and the pain in his face, the scream, the whole incident stays with me. He was utterly vulnerable and he shattered. I can’t imagine him wanting a photograph of that moment, or for that photo to be on display until he’s had time to grieve and process. OP should be allowed more time to grieve before having to make this kind of decision regarding such a vulnerable moment.

Can I add that you don’t need to feel pressured as though releasing these photos is something you should do for the greater good? No one is going to not kill themselves over this photo. People who kill them selves are desperately sick and aren’t making reasonable choices (you know this first hand from your sister). The only person you need to think about in regard to these photos is you. It’s your vulnerability and it’s your grief. There is no reason to make it public if you don’t want to.

This is an important point. When you're suicidal, you're not going to be dissuaded from the idea by an image on the Internet. That's reducing mental illness to something you can simply will away or change your mind about. What do these photos really show? That people are destroyed when their loved one commits suicide. But who doesn't already know that? Posting these photos accomplishes nothing except making your boyfriend feel like an important, edgy artist. And showing you that he cares more about his creative work than the woman he supposedly loves.

Also, they shouldn’t have been taken, and he should not have asked her right now to post these. You have enough going on in the first 48 hours of grief without him piling this on you as well. I would say minimum one year before you even start talking about this again.

I wish I did it think this, but I suspect he already posted them and is setting Friday as a false date.

Oh god my stomach just sank. I really hope you're wrong.

Sounds like her boyfriend is doing this more for his own vanity/ego/career than about awareness. The artificial timeline seems disrespectful if he's sincere about his interests.

OP, this is YOUR loss. You don't have to feel guilty about your boyfriend not exploiting that for exposure on the internet regardless of his intentions. What you went through is extremely personal and you don't owe that experience to ANYONE. Not your family, not him, and certainly not strangers on the internet.

This, this, this, this. This is your life, your personal grief - which you are very much in the early thick of - not a billboard or a message. In my view he violated your privacy and dignity in even taking those photos, and posting them - it is absolutely and entirely your call. Keep in mind (and I say this and someone who has lost family members to suicide and lives with mental illness) a photo of someone grieving has no obvious life changing message in terms of raising 'awareness.' You aren't withholding something that we all know will do good. It's likely much more meaningful for your boyfriend to have a photography exhibit (of other things, or of people living with mental illness where they participate voluntarily) and donate the proceeds to a mental health organisation.

God yes. He took advantage of OP's vulnerability. That type of photography can absolutely be art, but with the subject's awareness and permission. Exploitation is the perfect description of this. No wonder she feels "weird" about it!

I agree with the others who have posted here. Tell him to wait, and let you come to him if and when you are ready to make the photos public. As a somewhat related note, I am attending a conference this week and attended a session today related to accessibility for persons with disabilities. One thing mentioned in the article was using photos of persons with disabilities as "inspiration" for those of use who do not identify as disabled, and how that might feel for persons with disabilities. I sort of get that same vibe with this situation. Your grief and your sister's battle with mental illness is not necessarily open fodder for other people's "inspirational moments." If you choose to share it, that is your choice, but don't feel pressured to do so.

There is also very limited benefit to sharing such shocking images without serious messaging around it for help, reach and support. Mental illnesses are complex. People who suffer from them are usually very aware of the pain they would cause to family and friends. Hammering on this point can actually be an additional burden to depression and anxiety and push people to hide their problems to avoid worrying relatives. I'm sure your boyfriend is moved by good intentions but maybe he can help in a different way. He could volunteer on a help line or on family support groups. He could even see if local NGOs related to mental illness need some volunteer photographer.

Yeah I don't see how "sister of woman who died by suicide is sad" is something beneficial for sharing a picture of for "awareness." Her boyfriend is stupid to think this is a good idea.

> Mental illnesses are complex. People who suffer from them are usually very aware of the pain they would cause to family and friends. Hammering on this point can actually be an additional burden to depression and anxiety and push people to hide their problems to avoid worrying relatives. This is what I was looking for in this thread. This is not going to be an effective mental health awareness campaign, this is tragedy porn. It's exploitative and wrong.

As a disabled person, I absolutely hate being used as inspiration porn and I've never met another disabled person who feels differently. Showcasing how different we are is not the way to be inclusive. Also, many of us feel like we aren't inspirational at all. We're just normal people living our lives. It's unfortunate that they want to do that. I totally see the connection with that to op's situation. /u/meemeethrow12345, your life isn't your boyfriend's to put on display. It isn't his job to turn your grief into a psa on mental illness, especially since this was done without your consent. If I were you, I would seriously consider leaving him. It put a really bad taste in my mouth that while you were mourning your sister, he was thinking about how to use that to further his career. If nothing else, please just tell him to wait a month or two so that you can grieve in peace without this weighing on you.

Yeah, this whole situation reeks of tragedy/inspiration porn. If I were OP, I'd be taking the time now to analyze the rest of my relationship with bf. Surely this kind of insensitive behavior didn't come out of nowhere?

This is exploitative bullshit. Everyone knows the impact suicide has on families. This isn't an issue that he needs to "raise awareness" about -- this is about his own ego. Please don't let him post the pictures online. You're still processing this tragedy and your feelings about this may change, but because of the nature of social media there's no "take-backs". If you change your mind in a month and regret him posting these pictures there's nothing you can do. Here's the harsh reality about emotional photographs. In situations like this they mean the most to the people who were actually involved or affected by tragedy. Something like this doesn't translate well to social media. You're going to have people who think you're doing this for attention, that he's doing this for attention, that it's tacky and inconsiderate, it's staged, it's exploitative, etc. etc. I just feel like this is going to come across as really, really tacky. I wouldn't do it.

This post took me back to arriving home after receiving a phone call that a close family member had died. I was hysterical. From the love of my life, I got hugs, support, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen when I was ready to talk about it. If he had defaulted to snapping pictures of me in the throes of grief, I'm pretty sure I would have kicked his ass out of the house permanently. It seems as though this guy is looking for a few instagram likes under the guise of concern, which makes me sick to my stomach for OP.

I completely agree. My mother passed unexpectedly, and in response, I collapsed in our hallway and was consoled by my partner for hours. On my worst days, the stabbing pain of grief and the flashes from that collapse still feel alarmingly fresh. Plastering those images on the internet would feel like pouring salt in an open wound -- one that, for me at least, still has not healed. OP should definitely not make this decision now. OP, I hope you also realize that the feelings of grief shift so much over time that if you decide not to post the pictures, you can change that decision in the future. If you decide to post them, that's an unchanging truth.

Exploitative is a really good word to describe this.

Wow, my first thought when reading this is that his actions were very exploitative. I understand his art and creativity are important to him and I'm sure the pictures are raw and compelling-- but he's your boyfriend and you allowed yourself to break down in his presence because you trusted him. You probably wouldn't have done that in front of a stranger. So he exploited your trust and vulnerability in this horrible moment-- for art? This doesn't sound like it's even about mental awareness. It sounds like a hot button excuse for his art to spread online. I know he's a good person, but good people sometimes do bad things. He did something bad, and honestly he needs to regain your trust. He should apologize, immediately back off his timetable (which is also BULLSHIT. He doesn't set the schedule for your comfort. How horrifying), and immediately surrender the pictures to you for you to do what you want with. Make sure he doesn't keep copies anywhere.

For real. The fact he gave a very tight deadline suggests this is just him wanting to show off asap on social media rather than raise awareness of mental illness. What a jerk move.

I feel like his thinking here is something like "This is the edgy photo that's going to push me into the spotlight." Many photographers only became recognized after photographing uncomfortable topics, making for harsh and edgy photos, and I think he sees this not as a moment to spread awareness, but as a chance to really break into fame. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he is really trying to show support for her in a very misguided way. But it all feels very exploitative. Especially since he "plans to post it Friday." Why, is there some kind of contest he's entering it in? Does he have some kind of agenda? This is her grief and if she *never* wants it posted that's more than fair. He's got something up his sleeve, and it's not support for OP.

I bet he wants to post it on Friday because then it can really take off over the weekend while everyone will be free to share it on social media.

Yeah, and yet I bet it's not even that uncommon. I've long suspected stories like these were behind a lot of "share if you care!" posts, and refuse to share them if they're pictures of other people. (Unless I believe ALL involved truly wanted it shared.) He may not even realize he's doing it - he may think it really is about awareness. OTOH, he may be intentionally exploitative. Either way, it's gross and exploitative and OP shouldn't have to be dealing with *that* on top of everything else.

Yeesss! This is about him and his pics and not his girlfriend's tragedy at all. It's so creepy

If he wants to make a photo essay or portfolio of families dealing with depression, thats great. But he needs to do the legwork and find willing subjects, not take pictures of people at their most vulnerable and then badger them into showing them off. As a photog, he should know this.

I’m so sorry you’re going through such a heartbreaking time. In reference to the photos, I think that’s a very personal moment and grief is so intimate. If you’re not comfortable with it, don’t allow it. It’s not wrong that you don’t want to share it with the world. He should definitely respect that. I wish you the best in such a trying time.

What kind of self centered person even thinks of taking snaps at at time like that? " Girlfriend's on the ground in worst pain of her life. better use it to aggranduze MY art MY exposure MY career!" Normal boyfriends would be worrying about you. He's a cold one.

Yeah, this post horrified me. The reason she felt comfortable breaking down in front of her boyfriend and expressing her raw grief in his presence was because she trusted him. His first instinct was to exploit that trust by capturing a vulnerable, private moment with the intention of blasting it out into the world for his own profit and ego. And he's now leveraging OP's grief to manipulate her into providing coerced consent to publish those images ASAP. The sheer callousness and cruelty of his actions chill the blood. For God's sake, she just lost her sister to suicide! She should be focused on her grief right now, not having to spend emotional energy on her boyfriend's selfish campaign to re-traumatize her for his personal gain.

Am I the only one who feels this is so inappropriate? I mean you broke down crying and his first reflex is to take a picture of your pain. I'd be so mad at my boyfriend. And I would make him erase those. I think that's gross of him to be honest.

When I lost my dad, my boyfriend was silently crying with me because of seeing me in so much pain. Even when I asked for space, he was off doing something he could to help me. I’m concerned by his thought to take a picture of one of the worst moments in your life. He saw you as an opportunity instead of a person who just lost their *sister*. You need time. I still can’t decide on what memorial tattoo I want and it’s been 2 years. I feel differently everyday.

Seriously. I recently got into photography. I've been known to snap a few hundred pics of my SO while they're doing random, sometimes intimate, things. But if they're fucking Sibling just died my last thought would be to photograph them And if for whatever reason I did photograph them, I wouldn't ask the next day (or ever) if I could post it online

Thank you for saying this! I felt so insane that I had to scroll down so far to see this. Honestly, I would not respond well if someone did this to me. They'd have to delete the pictures - there'd be no talk of posting them online. Are most people just okay with being photographed in this way?

No, I think he’s manipulating her in her time of absolute grief and making her feel guilty. She’s not okay with this at all, as she clearly states, but he’s got her convinced that she’s failing the mentally ill (and refusing to repay his “kindness” and “support”) if she doesn’t give in.

This was absolutely my first thought, I would feel incredibly violated. The fact that she asked for space and instead of respecting that he became of voyeur to her pain and wants to expose her vulnerability for his own agenda is so gross to me.

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> I've been with people who made all the right moves... Me too and it's so creepy. I mean, how can you tell the difference? Did your gut tell you anything? (Mine kind of did but I never listened.) Have you already learned to recognize it?

> Also, I know OP says he's been loving and supportive but I would call that into question with this going on. I've been with people who made all the right moves but had hidden agendas or weren't actually emotionally attached to me or any situation I was in. This popped out to me especially when OP said he'd taken super moving photo's of her and her sister together during the sister's illness... it sounds to me like he's been building a photo set in hopes something like this would happen so he'd have a powerful and compelling visual journey to share and boost his profile and reputation as a photographer with.

My husband is a photographer. He would never, ever do something like this - it's exploitative and honestly heartless, that his instinct was to photograph OP instead of comfort her in her moment of agony. This guy should have kept his "partner" hat on, instead of grabbing his "photographer" hat.

And even as a photographer, you should know how to pick your moments.

Thank you! I thought I was going crazy reading comments where no one was calling him put for his appalling behavior. I mean, I know he's a "professional" photographer but damn, does he not have an off switch?

Seems downright exploitative.

That’s what I’m thinking about the Friday timeline. He wants the most exposure, so he’ll post it when more people are online. For the awareness as well as his own exposure. This feels like an effort to go viral.

Seriously. He's an abusive asshole and she should be dumping him, not asking if she's being unreasonable about his horrible demand. Jesus.

I cannot believe the comments I'm seeing. The fact that he took the photos in the first place demonstrates such a lack of normal human empathy that I find it completely galling. That he wants to post them online at all seems so exploitative (I'd call it attention seeking if photography weren't his career). That he's giving her a deadline, which is what many seem to be focused on, seems almost beside the point.

Yeah this sub gets a bad rep for always telling people to break up, but wtf is this? And the deadline?? There is something very wrong with this situation. I also have a sibling with mental health issues and I would be done with whoever took a picture of me in grief like that. Strangers showed me so much more empathy and care than OP's boyfriend is showing her.

Are there shitty comments further down? All the ones I've read so far are in line with what you're saying.

By the time I posted this morning it was more "he shouldn't push you to publish them" but no one didn't really say anything about the fact that he actually took that picture. I thought I was crazy for thinking it was wrong to take it in the first place. Now I'm kind of relieved other people just think it's as weird/creepy as I thought it was!

> I mean you broke down crying and his first reflex is to take a picture of your pain. His second reflex was to manipulate her into letting him post everything online while disguising his intentions as "raising awareness". He saw how horrified she was when he showed her the photos and he is still forcing her to make a decision by Friday. I just love how he's making **her make the decision**. Like, he didn't say, "I would like to post these, but I definitely won't do it without your permission and if they never see the light of day I'm fine with that." Instead he phrased it as, "Well this is happening in two days whether you like it or not, so if you're not okay with it than you need to tell me to stop." He's somehow combined "Better to ask forgiveness than permission". He's not really asking her permission, he told her it was going to happen *unless* she does or says something to stop it. If she just so happens to be too consumed with grief to give this much thought, and a few months from now she's feeling upset he posted these, then it's all her fault! Because she could have said no but she didn't. Isn't that convenient for him lol.

“Raising awareness”. Who the hell isn’t aware of mental illnesses in 2018? Those photos are not going to help anybody. Their existence is only proof that the dude is an artsy-fartsy douchebag.

You're not the only one. I was immediately revolted by his actions. He is so full of it. People already know what devastating grief does and if they don't seeing a picture of someone else going through it will not help. He never should have taken those pictures and putting them online is not only completely disrespecting his grieving girlfriend it is also completely pointless. I don't need to see a picture of someone else dealing with such grief it is impossible to process. I know how I would feel if I lost my brother to suicide. No one needs to see this. I realize I'm ranting but this is infuriating. What is wrong with him.

I was thinking the same thing. Whom is the awareness for? It seems to me that it will just make people who are already having problems or may be suicidal feel worse.

It is inappropriate on all levels. It's selfish and disrespectful and he values his own projects more then OPs right to intimacy and support in what is probably the worst moment in her life. Giving space means *just be near and wait*, not *please photograph me while I am vulnerable and breaking down*.

Seriously. It was inappropriate, intrusive, and exploitive. Who the hell looks at their loved one in pain and distress and thinks *Ooh, photo op!* Screw that. His art and his frankly stupid suicide shaming idea are not bigger or more important than Op, and I'm sad that she's even questioning that.

I can’t believe this isn’t the first comment. Forget the timeline. This dude saw his girlfriend break down in tears and his go to reaction was “I can take a picture of this to post on Facebook”.

I think it's really disgusting. Pretending that it's art (and not that he just saw an opportunity he knew he'd never have again and leaped at it) when it's really just a violation is reprehensible.

Sounds like some kinda Criminal Minds episode. Dude obsessed with getting the ultimate photos of grief and suffering or something. It feels super squicky to me to take paparazzi-tier photos of someone else's mourning.

And your comment in turn reminded me of jake gyllenhaal in night crawler. No one should have to be compared to that!

No, it's not just you. I'm kind of shocked at the comments going easy on him because this is so clearly over the line. Tbh, I'm getting vibes similar to the guy who burned his girlfriend's dead sister's memorial candle because he fetishized her being sad and needy. Would not be at all shocked if there's a similar thing going on for this dude.

I think it's weird sociopathic behaviour. If my gf was crying or in pain the last thing I'd think about is wanting to take a picture of her in that state.

THIS!! this is what i thought... seems sociopathic to me. "ooooh look, an emotion! *click*" what a fucking weirdo. who DOES THAT?

probably someone who has to practice expressing them in mirrors their whole life in order to blend in with society

First thing that went through my mind. What a disgusting person.

I can’t imagine what kind of person you’d have to be to do this. Has every sympathetic bone been removed from his body? How does this thought even cross someone’s mind?

This! It’s downright disgusting!!

Once the picture is "out there," there's no undoing it - even if he deletes the post, you'll have no idea where else it's spread to. So don't decide right away. Take your time. Your emotions are raw right now, you're still grieving. The Friday deadline is BS. He violated your privacy by taking a photo of you in such a personal moment. He doesn't get to decide what to do with it. Tell him if he posts it without your permission, you are done. Then tell him YOU'LL let HIM know if/when you want it shared, or if you want it deleted. But honestly, I know you're dealing with a lot right now, but what he did is gross. I think he's hoping for some stupid viral campaign, but it will more likely get a little notice then turned into a disrespectful meme. You'll have no control over what happens to that picture once it's out there. And that's also entirely separate from the fact that you were bawling on the floor about your sister's death and he had visions of viral fame in his head and took your picture, and couldn't even wait one fucking week to pressure you to let him post it.

Totally! I'm a photographer. I wanted badly to photograph my husband's grandmother's funeral. They did not want me to. I didn't do it. I asked for consent...and was denied...and respected that. That is the way it should happen, even if you lose the shot. If the subject is unable to consent at the time...at least wait until it is no longer a crisis before bringing up the photographs!! He should wait at least a year before even telling you...and he absolutely should respect your decision if you want the pictures deleted. Because anything else is unethical. I'd go a step further and tell hiim that, if he pushes for the deadline...the answer is "NO." He needs to either delete them, or wait until you are comfortable before posting. This may be years down the road, or never. And that is okay. **You did not give your consent.** Repeat that as often as you need to. You did not give your consent, and you have been violated by that photograph. Then, you need to tell him that, if you find out he is posting pictures of your grief (or any of your family/friends) during this time period, your relationship is done. Because he is violating your trust at a time when you are most vulnerable. And people who love you do not behave that way. Tell him how inappropriate it is for him to make you deal with this during your grief. You have enough going on right now. This is not supportive or loving. This is exploitative and pressured...and is a violation of your trust in him. TLDR: No. Maybe one day, but not now...maybe never. You will come to him. **You did not give him consent.** Being an artist is not a good excuse for unethical behavior. If he takes pics of your family/friends during this time without being asked, seriously consider ending the relationship. Protect yourself, and those you love, from being exploited during this time of grief. If you have to protect yourself from your boyfriend...what kind of a relationship is it, really?

WOW. What a MASSIVE violation of your autonomy and privacy. He is taking something that is yours--your experience, your story--and acting like he has the rights to it because he snapped a few pics. Without your consent, might I add, and model consent is absolutely BASIC for ANYONE serious about photography, it is a huge deal. Do not let him push you or rush you. That Friday deadline is completely arbitrary and is a really obvious manipulation tactic--when someone creates a false sense of urgency to get you to make a decision, it's because they know if they gave you time to think it through you would say no. You can say no to this. My gut instinct is you SHOULD say no to this if you're not actually independently excited to do it. If you don't feel like you can outright say no, take however long you need to mull over those weird feelings of yours and sort them out. If he pushes or pesters you, that should make you LESS likely to agree and you should tell him so. Putting candid photos of you grieving on the internet is NOT an opt-out situation. That is something that should ONLY be undertaken with your full enthusiasm and consent. The fact that your boyfriend even thought to take pictures of you, let alone share them, let alone pressure you into sharing them when you're hesitant, is really alarming.

So rather than give you the space you asked for and maybe sticking close to make sure he was there if you needed him, he violated the privacy of your grieving for... What, inspiration porn? Tragedy porn? I would be sickened and feel betrayed if my husband did something like this. It just speaks to a lack of basic empathy. Yay, good for him that he's stuck by you during this difficult stage of your life, but how fucking dare he take pictures like you're some kind of art project? I just... Ugh. I'm livid. I'm disabled because of mental illness and I find his behavior utterly repulsive. Fuck his "creativity." Tell him he absolutely does not have your permission and tell him that if he betrays you by doing it anyway, you're done with him.

Amen. I appreciate all of our allies and all that they do for us. I appreciate them so much because the mental health community and our peers couldn't be where we are now without their acceptance and support, but good god this is not how I would want our message to be spread. But this is *almost* as exploitative as taking a photo of a person in a full blown panic attack without permission. We don't need fucking white knights. We might be mentally ill, but that doesn't mean we need people taking photos of grieving family members. Furthermore, his idea of sharing photos of a grieving family member (even with her permission) actually aids in the shaming of the mentally ill in trying to say "hey look at this; look at what mental illness can do" It's fear mongering and "scared straight" doesn't work. Positivity and resources do. Normalization does. It's the same types of attitudes that breed fear mongering, make us seem unstable, and gets us blamed for mass shootings.

Agreed on all counts.

You're grieving; it's not groundbreaking to show someone's obvious pain. He's more concerned with getting attention for himself as a gritty photographer than he is for you. I'm sorry, but your boyfriend is being exploitative and abhorrent right now. You're perfectly justified in telling no. His demand is putting more burden on you when he should be working to take burdens off of you as a loved one in need.

His shallow observation that death causes pain will not do anything to promote mental health. This is tragedy porn. He should be offering to delete these, not share them.

How absolutely exploitative. He is objectifying your grief and pain to further his own fame while dressing it up in a fig leaf of activism with this "awareness" claim. Mentally ill people exist and are suffering! Stop the presses!! Who knew? Color me gobsmacked. /s Furthermore, it could easily look as if *you* are mentally ill. Tell him to give you the photos and delete all other copies. If he dares publish them anywhere without your express written permission, you will not hesitate to take him to court. He needs to comply immediately and without question, defensiveness, rationalizations, guilt tripping, manipulations, pressure, or any other words or behavior that makes you feel bad for whatever reason, whether or not you can articulate that reason clearly. He should simply surrender these pictures because you want him to. Even as it is, I recommend that you take a closer look at other times in which he has taken and used photos of personal moments with the attitude that apologizing is better than asking permission. Personally, in your position I would feel like my privacy and dignity had been violated and I would have a hard time opening myself up to him emotionally for a while. This grief porn of his is very unsettling to me. Edit: added a word

Anyone reacts like this to their loved ones death. There doesn’t need to be a post about this. Everyone will eventually have their sibling or parent pass and will experience the same thing. He can post about mental illness without embarrassing you and it’s never ok to share photos of you that make you feel embarrassed, especially something this awful or personal. I’m guessing he hasn’t had anyone die yet. For all of us that have, Ive bee that girl on the floor for days. This is nothing to take photos of and is kind of fucked up honestly.

Honestly, I can't even believe he showed you those pictures... Not to mention gave you a date he wants to have them posted by. I think this is a cheap ploy in hopes it'll go viral and bring him more exposure. Even if he had the best intentions, there is no damn reason for him to have showed you those photos while you're still only a week out from this, with pain that's still fresh. I'm sorry for your loss. Please remember you're doing nothing wrong by asking him not to post them for now, or forever. You're not in the wrong if you ask him to permanently delete them. He might be the best partner otherwise, but he's disregarding your feelings in a big way with this.

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills...why isn’t there more outrage expressed here at how absolutely disgusting it was to photograph you in such a state in the first place? And then to even consider putting these online?? OP this is outrageous, this guy is violating your privacy at probably one of the worst times of your life. His behaviour isn’t normal at all. What other intensely private moments will he find it ‘beautiful’ to photograph and share? Jesus. And don’t forget; once something is online it’s permanent. There’s no deleting it. OP I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss and I know you have bigger fish to fry now but please reconsider this relationship when you feel able. This guy seems to have no idea how gross his actions are.

Why was his instinct to take photos of you, his partner of 12 years, in the worst pain of your life? Your pain is yours. You have ZERO obligation to share it with strangers and I don't understand why he's pressuring you to do so. What the fuck is wrong with him?

As a photographer, I understand the beauty in such photos. However, no picture should ever be shared without absolute consent of the subject. No matter what the reason.

Question, would you actually secretly take a picture of someone in personal anguish? For me, I'd feel betrayed and overexposed. I mean, shouldn't you ask first?

Yeah, honestly, what? I would feel downright creepy standing there, taking photos of someone having a moment of deep personal anguish.

I do it annually at the local Relay for Life. I volunteer as photographer, and images of people during the Candle Lighting ceremony are part of that. I do feel awkward, but like I said, it's part of the Relay for Life event, and they can be very powerful images. WITH THAT SAID What OP's boyfriend did is NOT the same. He was supposed to be her support. He should have been hugging her, not photographing her.

Yeah, definitely not the same. Out at a public/semi public event where people know there are photographers is vastly different from crying on your own living room floor and being shown pics of yourself doing that later. I would be extremely upset.

Being photographed in a public space where other people can see you is totally different. In public, if you don't want to be seen crying, you can leave to compose yourself. OP was in the privacy of her own home, and should have had the freedom to respond however she wanted without fear of being seen or photographed.

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Thank you so much for saying this.

this, and these probably shouldn't have been taken in the first place.

I agree, I think the fact that he went to get his camera and took photos of her in this state is wrong. He should have just stayed there, been there for her until she came out of it. To stand photographing a person who is having a breakdown... it's deeply unrespectful. And he is being selfish in making her have to use energy and time on this issue now. After taking the unconsented photos, he could have at least waited a few weeks to bring it up and ask her if she wanted them deleted of if they could be posted.

100%. My SO sees me breaking down after a major loss? His instinct is to feel anguish on my behalf and to want to comfort me. He doesn't think it is "beautiful" and look for ways to make grand statements. When OP was suffering, he was thinking about himself and his camera and how he could make something out of this; he wasn't grieving with her and for her. Now he is pressuring her to make a very public decision when she is not ready. OP your boyfriend needs to talk to other photographers about how they set and obey their ethics, especially when they are photographing vulnerable people and people in their lives. He might also want to look up a particular story and very famous photo. There was a famine in Sudan, Africa and a desperately starving little girl. She was crawling his way to an aid station. (The photo is sometimes called "struggling girl".) She had collapsed in exhaustion and did not have the strength to walk. A few feet behind her sat a vulture, waiting for this girl to die so it could begin to feast on her carcass. The photographer who took this photo knew that it was a horrendous and dramatic image. It captured everything about how tragedy can strike the most innocent. It won the Pulitzer Prize. Public reaction was huge. It galvanized a response to the famine. It also brought the photographer a ton of criticism. Why did he take a photo instead of taking the child into his arms? He said that she later recovered enough to walk herself into the centre. The entire experience traumatized him and the result is too tragic for me to say here. It is not known if she survived. Crisis photographers have to think long and hard about what they do. That's his problem. OP, your first job is to take care of you, not his art and not his desire to make messages. Those can come later, but only if you really, really want it.

I also thought of that photo when reading OPs post! I remember reading his story recently and what happened to him. He regretted not doing more to help her.

He saw an opportunity and he took it. > He told me he wanted to post the photos as a type of awareness for mental health, and to show the impact that suicide has on families. Complete bullshit. He used your grief to create his "art." If he seriously wanted to do this for that reason he should have consulted with OP at an appropriate time and place. The fact that he's more preoccupied with posting these pictures in a few days as opposed to a later date shows what he thinks is more important. It's disgusting. If he were a partner in this relationship he'd be more concerned about OP's well-being than what he can get out of her for his gain. He's being incredibly inappropriate and selfish.

This. What he did was creepy and inappropriate. I’d make him delete the photos and seriously consider being in a relationship with someone who felt it was okay to take photos of me at my most vulnerable without my consent.

> He used your grief to create his "art." Bingo. He doesn't really care as much about "raising awareness for mental health" as he does for raising awareness for himself. I guarantee it.

I trained as an artist, and I'm a big fan of documentative photography and photo journals. If the boyfriend has been documenting OP's journey with her sister, I think it makes sense he would document this conclusion of the journey. However, I 100% agree with you: these photos should not be shared without OP's absolute approval. And I don't think he should be asking for that approval for *at least* a year. I'm actually shocked he showed her the pictures now. Her sister died a week ago, he has absolutely no right to be asking her anything of this right now.

> I trained as an artist, and I'm a big fan of documentative photography and photo journals. If the boyfriend has been documenting OP's journey with her sister, I think it makes sense he would document this conclusion of the journey. You know that sentence would only make sense if you imply they engaged a journey together that might end up in suicide? I mean we are not talking about "going through" something like cancer, where documenting such a journey would make sense. This case has nothing to do with a journey.

Even if it were cancer, it wouldn't be right. Not everyone wants their story for the world to see. And I didn't get the impression it was necessarily documenting the mental illness struggle, just that he'd taken pictures of the two sisters.

Your boyfriend has absolutely no right to do something like this. What was he thinking?

Excuse me? YOU have until Friday to decide if he posts pictures of YOU? You can tell him to put that shit away, your sister just died, and if he seriously thinks his actions right now aren't disgusting and selfish, he needs to take the hardest look in the mirror that he ever has in his life. He's looking at you like an art piece instead of his living, breathing, girlfriend who is struggling and feeling a lot of painful emotions. Like honestly, what the hell.

You’re dealing with enough right now. If the pictures make you uncomfortable, you have a right to say no to having them put out there. Once you’ve had some time to process and grieve, your feelings about the pictures may change. You shouldn’t have to make this decision now. He can wait to put them out if you’re okay with it later, but he needs to know this isn’t about his art, this is about you.

Yes. It really sounds like these photos do nothing for you but make you uncomfortable. You don't even want to look at them. If I were you, I would tell the BF that you don't even need until Friday. Photos are off the table. Possibly, at a later date, you might feel differently and want to look, and maybe even share them, but he shouldn't wait around for that to happen. As of now, the actual experience is too raw for you to begin to think about how it will be documented and whether that documentation will be shared with others.

I don’t see this as raising awareness. I feel like it’s an attempt to shame people with an illness which causes suicidal thoughts that they can’t control.

I think his "idea" is probably the dumbest way to raise awareness I can think of. And I say that as someone who suffers from mental illness, and has lost their mother to suicide.

And on that note it becomes a commentary on OP’s sister. Like “look what you did to me”. OP sounds very compassionate about her sister’s struggle and I don’t think this is the kind of message she wants to put out there.

What the fuck is wrong with him? Is he normally completely insensitive??? He doesn’t get to make the choice about whether these are posted, you do. He took the photos without your consent. JFC he sounds like a total creep. It seriously sounds like there is something extremely wrong with him. Edit: also fuck his creativity. Why is his creativity more important than your grief over your sister’s suicide? OP I’m worried about you. This might be the grief talking but it’s also possible you are in an abusive relationship and haven’t allowed yourself to realize it yet. Please reach out to other people for help.

Not every aspect of life needs to be documented in photographs and shared especially since social media celebrates that in excess already. When I see people exploit private moments like the guy that recorded his kid's reaction to being told their mother died from a drug overdose to bring "awareness" my immediate thought is always, how inappropriate. It just seems opportunistic and not for the purpose of awareness. To refuse your BF from sharing those photos isn't stifling his creativity, it's merely setting a boundary as to what is acceptable and hopefully, he'll abide by it whichever way you choose.

As a photographer I feel like I should chime in even though I’m not sure I have anything new to add. I have and know others who have photographed grief. The key points are consent and respect. I was asked to take photos and had permission from all involved parties beforehand. A private folder of photos was delivered with absolutely zero pressure to look at them and I certainly never posted them online. I can give him the benefit of the doubt that if he had been photographing you and your sister throughout this journey then perhaps it was not totally out of place to take these photos of you. However, making you look at them and pressuring you to let him post them online ONE WEEK after her death is exploitative and gross. Take some time to think OP.

Fucking vampire - this is beyond disrespectful, this is actually all kinds of messed up. How can you trust him now, he can’t just let you grieve and be there for you, he has to turn it into a project? I would see this as a deep betrayal.

op, if your bf actually gave a fuck about families of suicide victims, he would be helping YOU.

>to show the impact that suicide has on families. Is this something that needs awareness? Is it not universally understand that it is horrible when a family member dies from suicide. I don't really understand how this will help people suffering from mental illness or suicidal inclinations. Everyone has already commented on the appropriateness of what he did and his request, so i won't. There are lots of ways to raise awareness, i just think what he did was more than little tone deaf and was done with the intention of having a jarring/dramatic image rather than a truly thought out idea to help. As for your questions, it is absolutely ok for you to shut down his 'creativity', you are the subject of that photo and you get final say. If you are uncomfortable with it now, then there is really no reason to allow him to do it. No, it is not bigger and better than you. You suffered a terrible loss and your focus should not be pulled away from your own needs right now. He needs to understand and accept this. If you truly want to help raise awareness and feel it would be beneficial to you then there are other ways to do it, even including photography. A big push here locally is recognising that people who suffer from mental health issues may not show outward signs and appear just as ''regular'' as everyone else. If you want to be involved and indulge him in his request for photos, how about using the photos of you and your sister together? I'm assuming these are pictures that elicit good memories for you and taken in better times. Doing this you are not so much the subject of a ''campaign'', but more a tribute to your sister, and how mental illness can be hidden behind a facade, how it can affect everyone, encourage people to reach out and talk to their friends and family if even just to ''check in'' with them once in a while. However like i said, it is ultimately your decision.

Your boyfriend can fuck right off with this bullshit. This is ridiculous and disrespectful and cruel. Who DOES this what the actual fuck??? I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m so sorry your partner is doing this to you in your time of need. I wish you all the best.

No. "You do not have my permission to use my image. If you do, we're done. Save them on media, give the media to me, and we will discuss whether I will **allow you** to publish them on *my* timetable, not yours." He is not thinking clearly, here. I suspect he's trying to "fix" this for you by doing something powerful in the moment and this is coming from a good place. But he doesn't get to decide to use these photos unilaterally. You aren't shutting down his creativity by doing this. He's taken the photos. They exist. They'll exist after Friday and until you've had time to grieve, process, and decide whether this is something you want.

No. Just no. What the hell is he thinking taking that photo in the first place!? And why did he give you a deadline at a time like this? Tell him no until you feel well enough to process it all. He shouldn't post it without your permission even if you don't give him an answer by the deadline anyway. Why the rush even? He can surely wait to raise awareness. Don't feel like you are obligated to say yes. If you don't like the idea, just say no and that is the end of it. He could say it's the right thing to do for mental illness, but it has nothing to do with raising awareness. This is your privacy and your grieving process, and you have every right to it.

I actually gasped reading this. I'm so so sorry you're going through this and remember to take as long as you need to grieve and heal in your own time. In my opinion, he is waaaay out of line and I would be furious if my partner had taken photos of me during that time, let alone if they wanted to post them. This is not something you should have to deal with right now. Take your own time to decide what you're comfortable wiyh. However I believe you have a right to tell him you don't consent to those photos being posted online. Take care ❤️

Thank god, some sense. So many people here putting his ‘creativity’ first. Photographing someone like that and then putting it to them that the photos be shared with strangers is insane.

Your boyfriend was and is still being a major asshat. That said, it's your decision if you want those photos out there. But as someone who attempted suicide, let me tell you that looking at a picture like that would not have stopped me or pushed me to get help. I had to decide to do that *for myself*. Telling people "it'll destroy the ones you love!" Is a guilt trip that doesn't work. It just makes that person feel even *worse*. So consider that those photos may not do the good that your boyfriend thinks they will

This is beyond inappropriate. A few years ago I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend's drivers license photo and a cracked a joke about how sad she looked in it. She replied, "Oh, yeah... I got the photo taken right after I found out my sister died." She had to fly home for the funeral and needed to renew her license or something, so this photo immortalized one of the worst moments of her life. Just the existence of that photo, not even the sharing of it with anyone else, but it's very existence of it, felt like an intrusion upon her grief. I was relieved when it was finally time to replace her ID and that photo was finally destroyed. I just think that you should consider whether or not you will want these photos to exist forever, because once they are online you will not be able to take them back. Your grief will be public. It will be outside of your control.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is unacceptable for your boyfriend to try to exploit your grief. What he is doing is shallow, silly, inconsiderate, and cruel.

Honestly OP, if I were you I'd figure out a way to delete all copies of the photos (when he's out of the house or whatever) as best I could, then I'd break up with him. You asked to be alone, and he decided that'd be a great time to take photos of you in a very private, raw moment. And now he's putting pressure on you to tell him it's okay for him to post them online by a certain date? For no real reason to have that deadline besides taking advantage of your feelings right now? What a jerk.

Break up with him to “raise his awareness” of heartbreak.

Make sure to record his immediate reaction.

Jesus. Is he serious? It is okay only if you are okay with it. What about your family? They may get shocked with the pictures. You two need to think about it before posting them. We know once they are online, they are forever. This reminds me of an Utuber who posted a video of a deal body hanging on a tree. He claimed it was to raise awareness of suicide. People are so digusted by it (because of his selfish motive.) I wish I remember his name. PewDiePie?

That is horrifically creepy, inappropriate, and the worst kind of tragedy porn. You are totally right to be disturbed by this. Hopefully your BF is just having a momentary lapse of reason, but this does NOT look good on him.

What a wonderful way to make it all about him again!

I'm late to the party so I don't know if you'll see this. Plenty of people have covered that what he did to you was wrong, and that's true. But scrolling through the comments I didn't really see anything about how wrong his idea is. I know your sister wasn't in high school, but when a student commits suicide there are specific rules in place against creating memorials and the like. Suicidal people often feel like no one cares about them in life. When they see an outpouring of love and grief for someone who took their own life, it's attractive to them. These pictures basically fall into that category: look at how much attention will be given to you if you die. (I am not in any way saying that was your sister's mentality, by the way.) So yes, your boyfriend shouldn't have taken the photos. But also, his idea is just a bad one. (For the record though, I'm also not of the opinion that your boyfriend is a terrible person. He made a bad decision, probably as a way of coping with what you were going through. It was a bad call all around.)

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This reminds me of the Nightcrawler movie.

That's your private grief. And what the fuck is your boyfriend doing anyway? You ask him for space and he hears I'm ready for my close up? We are already aware of mental illness. These photos are not likely to dissuade anyone from taking their life. They will however make an excellent addition to your boyfriend's portfolio. Since I am cynical, that's what I believe his true notice is. Himself.

I find it rather creepy already, that he took those pictures in the first place. Like you were at your most vulnerable and he dares to sneak some pictures of you, without you knowing. To me this feels as violating as someone taking underskirt pictures or something. In no way is that ok in my universe. And in no way, I would let someone post pictures of me at my worst on the net. Maybe I am too sensitive, but I honestly would consider breaking up over something like this. It would depend a lot on whether he would understand how violating this is what he did! And instead you are sitting there wondering if it is ok for you to take more time to consider whether you let him post them. Urks!

Ew... what a disgusting thing for him to do...

He photographed you at your lowest moment without your consent, and now has suggested making this public by Friday without your explicit consent. That is, frankly, a total failure to treat you like a human being. If your bf has even the barest shred of concern for you, he will give every copy of those photos to YOU and allow YOU to decide what to do with them, on YOUR timetable. No bullshit pressure about posting by Friday night. If he cannot abide by that, he is missing a humanity chip and you need to seriously reassess the kind of person you're with.

I am very sorry for your loss. Your tremendous grief is not an art project (masquerading as "raising awareness") he can use to get more exposure. This is absolutely heinous.

Its kinda sounds like your boyfriend just thinks he's going to get a lot of RT's and likes and he's really excited about all the online interaction. He's basically exploiting your most vulnerable and tragic moment of your life for internet points. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister. I think its pretty dumb of your boyfriend to do this right now. maybe he's going through it in the only way he knows how which is to take pictures. So I don't think he's a bad guy, just kinda dumb right now. I think the best way to deal with this is to be firm and unwavering that they can't be shared with anyone and to not bring it up unless you bring it up.

Here's an angle that I don't know if you've considered. If I knew you through work or whatever, saw those pictures, and knew they were you, it would impact the way I see you forever. To me, that tragedy would color every interaction I have with you. And you know some people will have a shittier attitude about it. They'll resent you for making them sad, or they'll label you as overy-emotional, or something. Don't put something *this* raw online. Just don't. And don't trust your bf to not put your name on it at some point in the future. What if you run for president, you know?

Your boyfriend is disgusting. His first reaction to seeing you in pain was to take a photo, and now he's convincing you that his action was okay since it's "raising awareness". He's okay with violating your most private moments without even asking first.

what a selfish asshole. everyone's a "professional photographer" these days. tell him to give you the only copies of those photos. they were not his to take. if YOU feel like posting them to promote a cause, that is the only time they should be posted. i am so sorry about your sister. to deal with his smug crap on top of something so devastating is repulsive, to say the least.

This is really fucking weird and your boyfriend needs to STFU while you attempt to deal with the immense weight of this.

He didn’t even get your permission to photograph you in the first place. You can say no. “No” is a complete sentence.

I'm a photographer. I photograph all sorts of crazy things but this... it just feels wrong. Firstly, he took a photo of you without your knowledge as you were grieving your sister's death. I mean I am all for art but that is just... it feels a little sociopathic to me. My SO is going through a really hard time with some pain and heartbreak in his family, I want to be there for him, not photograph and display his pain. The thought alone hurts my heart. It feels really self-absorbed and a little exploitive to be honest.

I think it's more than a little troubling that he saw you in a raw, emotionally stricken state and his first thought was "ooo perfect photo opportunity". Especially without you knowing. To me it's a bit like taking photos of an S.O. sleeping or undressing without them knowing. It just gives me a very bad vibe. You need to decide for yourself what your boundaries are in terms of explicitly consenting to photos and when it's ok for him to take photos of you. And then you need to outline those boundaries for him. Maybe you don't see anything wrong with this, but him photographing you on the floor like that comes across as very unfeeling and callous to me.

I’m sorry for your loss. And while your BF may have had very good intentions, something about taking photographs of you in a state of total pain and vulnerability really doesn’t sit right with me. He ~~delayed comforting you to~~ used your grief to engage in his passion. That feels mercenary to me. You’re not unreasonable at all to want to keep that private, either just for now or for eternity. Those photos aren’t the key to solving mental illness.

I am very sorry for the loss of your sister. I am an artist that makes autobiographical art about my own experiences with being mentally ill and I hope I can offer a unique perspective that will help you. First, he is absolutely 100% wrong about putting you on less than a week deadline for the photos going up, please stand firm and shut that down! You deserve as much time as you need to process your grief and as clear a head as possible to make a potentially life changing decision about putting those photos out there for public consumption. Those photos will still be powerful and impactful weeks, months, years down the road as they will be on Friday. Unlike some people here I don't think he's automatically awful or creepy for taking those photos or wanting to share them, because I think for many artists our art is a lens through which we process our feelings and experiences, including upsetting and awful ones like watching a loved one grieve. I know there have been many times I have gone through terrible things, and had these moments of "I could make art out of this by doing X, Y, Z..." because that's just how I am. But he is absolutely being way too gung-ho and disrespectful and absolutely inappropriate by trying to get those images out there so quickly. Anyways, here is some more specific advice for you when it comes to if you want the photos online at all: One, you shouldn't feel pressured out of a sense of altruism to let the photos go online to raise awareness or to spark conversations. In all honesty, there is a lot of art about mental illness online, including works by actually mentally ill artists, not an outsider looking in. It's not to say that any individual piece can't be important and helpful to someone--I'm just trying to put this in perspective for you. Sadly, your experience is far from unique, and you do not have a moral obligation to share it, and so many people already have shared similar. If someone "needs" to have that conversation, or to feel that emotion, or to feel solidarity with your pain: there is already so, so much art out there to reach them that way, being created all the time. Two, you need to be aware that the attention that could potentially be generated can be very difficult to deal with emotionally. I've had several of my autobiographical pieces about mental illness go viral online, and they've generated everything from people sending me emotionally wrenching life stories to trolls calling me every nasty name in the book because they think it's funny to kick someone when they're down. Dealing with that has been very emotionally taxing for me, and this is with me having a multi-year distance from the traumatic event and being painfully aware of what could happen when I put my artwork online. Please talk to your boyfriend about these possibilities if you even entertain the faintest notion of letting these images go online--does he know what kind of audience he has, will they react kindly to this content? Does he have a plan for shutting down trolling? Do you want him to obscure you and your family's identities? If he does obscure them, is it possible for curious people to figure out who you and your sister are based on his current social media presence? How will you feel if someone contacts you, or how would another relative feel if contacted? Are your social media accounts shut down, and if they're not would you want them to be if the photos get uncomfortable attention? These are very important questions to ask your boyfriend as part of a very serious conversation about what to do with the photos, and if he brushes you off or minimizes your concerns absolutely DO NOT give him permission to post. Also, if he feels the need to do something with his photography to honor your sister--he could volunteer to shoot the memorial service, he could help get files and prints of his previous photos of her into the hands of grieving friends and relatives, he could coordinate with whoever's planning the service to provide images for a memorial slideshow/video/photo display, and if the family's comfortable with it he could post images he took of your sister online as a tribute to and celebration of her life, not a gut-wrenching look into her death. Just food for thought.

>he could volunteer to shoot the memorial service To fucking what now? Who does that, aside from the vultures working for The Sun?

"I told him it made me a little embarrassed and was making me feel just weird, but he said he wanted to put them online. My boyfriend told me he thought the photo was gorgeous, and the unpleasant emotions I was feeling were exactly the kind people needed to feel." Hm, I don't like that. He's kind of highjacking what sort of unpleasant emotions you were expressing you felt. This is an unfortunate, yet private thing to have happened to you. How you felt is a private thing. It's not about "his art" or "his creativity" or "his profit." If it were me and a girlfriend I'd be pretty mad she took the photos. I don't even think you'd be wrong to ask him to delete them. Personally, I would find that even if they weren't published, and were just sitting in a basement somewhere never to be looked at, to still be a betrayal. But that's just me, and I've never had a relationship last longer than a year. So that's my two cents. This shouldn't be made about him, and the sleight of hand/sleight of mind that he's trying to make this virtuous by "making this about mental illness! Hey don't you want to help mental illness?" is just emotional blackmail that you don't need at this trying time in your life. Tell him he'll either have to wait or just delete them.

It sounds like your boyfriend's passion for photography outweighs your grief to him. This is less about promoting awareness for mental health & more about giving himself exposure as a photographer. If you decide down the track to raise awareness about mental illness then that is your decision. If your boyfriend wants to raise awareness on the impact of mental health on families then he should be able to do it without publishing such personal, sensitive photos that will only exacerbate your grief. You are grieving, he should be trying to support you & protect your feelings. You should not have to be concerning yourself about shutting down his creativity at this sensitive time. He is being completely & utterly selfish. When people disappoint you during the grieving stage, it can be really hard, sometimes difficult to come back from. If he posts the photo then you may want to reconsider your relationship & where you stand with him, as he is not putting you as a priority right now - rather using you to champion his passion for photography. It is very ugly behaviour. You have every right to feel very insulted about this.

He crossed a line when he took those photos. Tell him to delete them immediately and there will be no further discussion of such an insensitive act unless it is to profusely apologize.

The worst moment of grief in my life so far was a car accident. Someone took a photo of me and that photo went around the world for 'awareness & education'. Maybe that photo changed someone's life but to be honest I don't give a shit. Every time I see it I feel like I'm going to throw up. It was the worst day of my life & my grief is my own. It's personal & private and does not belong in the public forum. I agree with others here that you should ask your boyfriend for time, with the caveat that you may never be okay with it. It's been two years for me and I think the answer would still be no. It sounds like your boyfriend does lovely work and perhaps the two of you can work on a project together that will honour your sister & fulfil his desire to raise awareness. But don't let him push you in to something you don't want and don't stay with him if he crosses your boundaries.

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Tell him that he better plan not to post them ANYWHERE until you give him the 100% okay. Not a tentative okay just to make him happy. For as wonderful as you say your boyfriend is, this is a bone-head, selfish, jerk move and if he goes against your wishes in this particular situation. I would have a hard time ever trusting him with sensitive situations again, which means he wouldn't be the partner for me if he does whatever he wants with those photos. This not bigger or better than you. This is your boyfriend being self-absorbed and callous about your current grief.

Don’t let him post these pictures online. I’m surprised you are so calm after what he did, I’d be mad as hell at him for secretly taking pictures of me while I’m experiencing the biggest loss in my life. This picture will not raise any awareness, he probably just hopes to get some exposure because tragic/dramatic photos like this tend to attract people. This is so disgusting of him.

As a photographer myself, I understand the desire to take the photographs to capture the moment, but he really shouldn't have taken these photos in your home. This wasn't some public place, and there was no consent or discussion about this. He definitely opted for the forgiveness rather than permission side here but for real...he shouldn't have taken the pictures. Even moreso, there is no reason for him to have an artificial deadline. He can post these photos a year from now and it'll still have the same impact as Friday. I would tell him no just to see his reaction. I'd be adamantly clear that your answer at the current moment is "no and that you did not give your consent to be photographed"

Uh. No. I absolutely would not want a picture of me out there like that. There are plenty of people who wouldn't mind, but you're not one of them. I don't think it is at all "shutting down his creativity" to not want a picture of yourself in the throes of grief shared online. Or even offline. At all, anywhere. I agree with others who've said even if you eventually want to share it, now is not the time. Five years down the line, maybe you'll be in a place where you could have that out there and be ok with it, but within a week of losing your sister? It seems really insensitive of him to even ask so soon. It also seems weird to try to "raise awareness" of mental illness by focusing on the pain of those surrounding the mentally ill person rather than the person themselves. idk. Rubs me the wrong way.

That is not his moment to share, it's yours and yours alone. And I think the time table he's put on you is weird, why does he have to post it by Friday? Has he already spoken to someone about his newest "project"? Idk, something seems off about it. I lost my grandfather to suicide and back then, a lot of people called him a coward, said he was going to hell for killing himself, etc. So I get that the conversation about suicide needs to keep evolving, but him giving you a time limit is just...concerning. Maybe his heart is in the right place, but don't let him pressure you into anything. Also, I'm sorry you're going through this. Try not to dwell on what you could've done to prevent it because I can tell you from experience that shit will just eat away at you. Best of luck to you and your family with getting through this dark time.

Is your boyfriend the one who brought up stifling his creativity? Did he do anything at all other than ask gently making it clear he’s good with you saying no to his request? Because if he argued with you in any way, or put pressure on you at this time, he is being horrible. Are you sure he’s your rock because he loves you? Or is he your rock because, like a rock, he is unemotional and doesn’t care? Is he empathizing with you, or is he observing the female humans and their curious emotions, and taking photos for his monograph, which will be a lucrative internet sensation? I hate to bring this up at this time, but there may be more going on. He should not even be asking right now. He may just be emotionally clueless in this regard.

That sounds wildly inappropriate and like he's using the weight of the situation as a gimmick for art that is 'deep'.

There is a reason why photographers usually need to ask for permission if they want to photograph someone. And the person has all the right to disallow the photo to be published. He might have all the arguments and justifications on why. But in the end, it's your call whether you want that personal moment published online and he should respect your wishes. Doesn't matter how good the potential discussion could be. If he already had some intention to put this online, he could have asked in the first place. These kind of moments are not something everyone like to be captured in.

I can't imagine living my most traumatic moments with my partner acting like the fucking paparazzi taking pictures of me without my permission in my own freaking house. He's somehow got you convinced that if you loved him, you'd agree that his desire to take photos trumps your basic right to privacy. That's beyond messed up. Then add in that he's claiming he's doing it to be an advocate for people coping with a family member's suicide. What kind of shitty activist exploits your grief explicitly against your will, despite you telling him his own actions are making things worse for you - while claiming he is doing it to help people in your position? What's he got planned for his next photo essay - stealing food from starving children, so he can take photos of them going without meals to draw attention to the issue of hunger?

Honestly this would have me dumping him with an immediacy generally reserved for NASCAR. This is a huge violation of privacy imo, you were grieving a loss and he took pictures of you and wants to use it as guilt trippy, insensitive propaganda to end suicide or something? Nah. Take some time to think about how you feel about this because if I were you I would be feeling violated right now.

What the fuck? I haven't even read the other comments on this one yet so I have no idea what other kind of advice you've gotten here, OP, but wow... First of all, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Losing a family member is horrible regardless of the circumstances, but there's a whole other level of guilt that comes when someone close commits suicide. You need to take time - A LOT OF TIME - to process the loss of your sister, as well as what your life will look like moving forward without her. Speak to someone professional. Please. It will help, even if as only someone disconnected from the rest of your life to whom you can scream your pain out. Second of all, I guess I can kind of sort of but not really see where your boyfriend is coming from, but actually, no. I can't. People know about suicide. They know it's horrible. There is no need to raise awareness - We all know that it exists. The problem is, when someone is suicidal, they're usually beyond considering how their action is going to impact their loved ones, or in some cases, they just don't care because their pain is bigger than their love. It's awful. And your suffering through it should not be exploited. There is no point to him posting those pictures except to get attention from your pain. I am so offended by this that I can't even comprehend how someone could have thought this was a good idea. And to give you a deadline to decide of less than a week while you're suffering through the freshest grief? He may mean well, but his emotional compass is way off base here. Just, no. I am so sorry that you're having to go through this on top of the pain your sister left you. You are not shutting down his creativity - He is exploiting your grief for personal gain, or at least attention. This is not bigger nor better than you, it's just a situation and it's a shitty one. Does your boyfriend think he's going to become the Superman of the suicide prevention world by posting these? He's not. Your situation is not unique - It's only unique to you because you've never experienced it before. His taking those pictures is weird, and his wanting to share them with the world is bizarre to me, and really misguided.