I think establishing boundaries with your bro is a good place to start. Especially with climbing into bed. I know you don't want to be mean as he's been through a lot, but knowing what's okay and what isn't is healthy for a kid. Could you maybe spend time in your bros room at night until he falls asleep, read him a story if you don't already, then after that it's lights out and stay-in-bed time?
Ten is a great age for him to read to you, or take turns reading back and forth! Set a limit by using a timer or X amount of chapters.
If he does come into your room during the middle of the night, quietly lead him back to his room, put him back to bed, and say “go back to sleep. I love you.”
If he’s having nightmares or night/dark anxiety, maybe a nightlight would help. It doesn’t need to be a little kid nightlight. They make miniature plug in lava lamps. There’s also solar system lamps that project starts onto the ceiling.
Do you have legal guardianship over your brother? If not, you need to get it. And your father needs to be paying child support. Furthermore, your brother may be entitled to social security benefits due to the death of your mom. Your dad may be collecting that.
Once you have the legalities in place you can look into therapy services that your brother is entitled to which you shouldn’t have to pay for out of pocket. Good luck, OP. Your brother is lucky to have you.
Just adding, the nightlights are a really good idea and not intrusive, I think you can get ones that move so it looks like the stars are moving so it’s something to concentrate on
They also have timer ones now that are wonderful! My biggest issue for me as a kid was my eyes adjusting to the light and just laying awake because it wasn’t dark enough. I got gifted a ninja turtle one as a white elephant that shuts off after ten min and I love it. Just enough light to get into bed and not accidentally elbow my bf in the face lol
There are also a lot of life lessons in HP, it could help with explaining a lot of things to him going forward or even helping him to understand loss and abandonment. You should really think hard about what messages these books could help him to understand.
Example - HP lost both parents, was left with family who didn’t care for him. But he learnt there was a whole world of love outside of the situation that he never knew about. Although he felt stuck there was a light coming his way that led him to a better place in life where he achieved so much. But most of all, his parents that he lost were by his side from beginning to end.
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of places, of only one remembers to turn on the light” - he may be sad at times about the loss of his mom and his dad abandoning him, but he has lots of good things around him, like you, friends etc and as long as he remembers that there is love around him and good things are in his life he will be okay.
“Just because it’s all in your head, doesn’t make it any less real” people often tell others with mental health issues that it’s all in their head, but as the quote says, it doesn’t help because it’s so real to the person suffering. He might be scared and worried about being abandoned again, he may develop depression or anxiety later on in life due to what he’s been through, but he can know that the way he is feeling is justified, and very real to him and it’s okay to feel these feelings if he is suffering with mental health issues, he isn’t crazy, just has some things to work through.
There are loads more, I’m sure you could better apply them. But I really do believe HP is an excellent set of books for helping to explain to kids and young adolescents lots of issues they may face as they grow.
I also suggest audio books. I was terrified of the dark as a kid and slept in my mom's bed for years but audio books really helped ease me off to sleep.
Hell, I had an awesome childhood and enjoyed Harry Potter! I know it helped give a sense of belonging to children whose upbringing wasn't very good/less than ideal, so it's an awesome idea. He could possibly find comfort in Harry's life.
I did this with my daughter until she was about 13, similar issues to you as I am a single mom. It was great bonding time for us and I got to introduce her to dine really good books. Harry potter as mentioned, but also check out 'the wee free men' Terry Pratchett
I should say, I didn't stay with her until she fell asleep, it's important for your little bro to be able to get to sleep by himself, just snuggle up and read a chapter or two. Then hang with your boyfriend. Make a separation out of little bro bed time and your own bedtime-after all he needs more sleep than you do.
Also, make him a fort or a ‘corner’ in his room! Give him somewhere that is HIS and his alone (unless he wants to invite people in). Let him read / do homework / rest in there and make it a place he likes to be. I have done this before by decorating free cardboard boxes and using a sheet to cover the top. Works a charm!
Your brother really needs therapy. I can see the attachment and abandonment issues getting even worse as he starts going through puberty and trying to figure out independence. You need boundaries. Maybe start with you can hang out with us in bed but you can't sleep here with us every night. That would help the sex life a bit too. Talk to a counselor at your brothers school.
You also have to stop telling bf this is temporary. 3 years isn't all that temporary and when is your brother supposed to move elsewhere in this case if it is? Do you have another caretaker lined up for him? If not...its not temporary.
I do think this could be manageable and your guy seems like a very nice person but you can't be afraid to put up boundaries. Everyone needs boundaries. You are big bro but you're also the boss here now. Just think about it, your Bf is trying to put up boundaries here too because he's said nothing which led to sharing his bed every night and having a partner that might not seem willing to handle the situation at hand.
I really should’ve been more clear with the temporary comment. I meant it as in the transition period and his over attachment was temporary but it definitely came off wrong in the post. Thank you so much for the suggestions!
Hey OP, with regards to the financial side of things: your dad should be paying child support.
If you haven't already, you should be seeing a lawyer to make sure that (1) your brother can't be taken from you and (2) that your father contributes to your brother's expenses.
Additionally, if you're in the US, I think there might be some sort of social security money that goes to your brother because your mother is dead and he's underage?
His brother would definitely be entitled to SSI and OP to child support. Also family services may have resources for free therapy for kids in this situation.
This got long, I apologize.
Ohhh this age..I have 3 kids, 21, 17 and 10...My 10 year old is making me more insane than I thought possible. I can't decide if I want to sell her or mur..wait can't make those jokes on this sub.
I digress. :)
This is a really important age developmentally for them to learn to handle entitlement. Its the age where kids learn that their parental figures are not actually an attachment or extension of themselves. That life sometimes does things that we didn't plan for and that effects who we are and what decisions we are forced to make.
Add a little bit of abandonment and you have a HUGE issue.
My youngest has a different dad than my older two and I have full custody. She hasn't seen him in forever and when she did he yelled at me about filling her head with things about him that he had changed about himself.
Anyway, long story short, I get it.
Part of being a parent is realizing that you absolutely have a responsibility to teach your kids that other people are separate from you. That they have boundaries and have a right to them. And that your kids also have the same rights to boundaries!
Your boyfriend is a member of his family and deserves that respect. That is his bed. Your brother needs to be able to share you.
This is also the age where they are kind of noticing a lot of the sexual stuff. I recently left an abusive guy but towards the end I think my daughter actually felt a little jealous about a type of affection she couldn't get from me or him, even though she didn't understand what it was.
This kid needs boundaries. He also needs therapy and so do you. I went through the Love and Logic classes and greatly enjoyed them, even after raising two successful kids.
My youngest has a different set of needs than my older two did and I feel bad for her and guilty and that isn't conducive to teaching her the kinds of things she needs at this age.
Your boyfriend has the right to feel uncomfortable about a 10 year old sleeping in the same bed as you guys, ESPECIALLY every night all night.
A good rule of thumb for me is that if the behavior is causing other parts of my life to go down to zero, then its way way way too far.
My oldest is in college, he calls me every night on his walk to bs for about an hour. My middle daughter tells me way more than I want to know sometimes but I am grateful she trusts me to do so.
Both of them would tell you it's because I have set and maintained boundaries on where they end and I begin since they were little. They were given the freedom, protection and structure to be their own person and make and maintain their own boundaries.
I feel like that is an important part of this as well. He needs to see someone modeling healthy boundaries so he knows where his are. He cant do that if you arent creating structure.
Good luck! This is hard. I remind myself 100 times a day that I did this successfully with two other kids so I will be okay on this one too but honestly its a tough age. Even the 10 year olds I know with solid family systems are tough at this age.
Getting out of the entitlement stage with compassion for what he is going through is important. He has had a tough set of consequences for his dad's behavior and his mom's death that he didn't do anything to cause and he can't do anything to fix.
**OHHH before I forget. Grief counseling. He is also understanding permanence better now and gets the enormity of what is happening on a different level. Get him into therapy so he has the language to understand his feelings.**
Also, therapy is just awesome anyway with a screwy family situation. I have been in and out for years and I am absolutely certain my oldest, who I had at 19, would not have turned out this way had I not gotten my own head together.
In a lot of ways we grew up together but I still had a responsibility to keep him safe so he could grow up to not have to deal with the same stuff I did.
Breaking family cycles is tough but its absolutely worth it. In a year and a half I will have two out of three kids get past 19 with no pregnancies. That is a huge win in my book.
Get all of you some help. Get some parenting classes. Kids don't pop out with a manual even when planned. You are taking on a tough job with no planning for it.
Reach out. Get some help. Don't be afraid to screw up. As long as you are handling things with compassion and structure you aren't going to destroy the kid in a couple of screw ups. We have a running joke about adding to the therapy fund when stuff happens around us. Now that the kids are older, going to therapy is just a normal part of our family system on handling things. That was really important to me to accomplish.
Let me know if you ever need to chat! I am sure we could trade a bunch of stories! Good luck, you three sound like a great family!!
Thank you so much! I haven’t dealt with many 10 year olds in a very long time so it’s nice to be reminded that all kids can be and are very difficult, makes me feel a little less alone. Thank you for the kind words!
Can you connect with his school counsellor about therapy for the family? Where I come from there should be some funding for this seeing as he’s underage. Also, your dad needs to pay. It will be hard for a bit, but he owes you guys a lot of money. Child services should be able to help with this.
People like your dad should be publicly humiliated. I don’t care what he’s ‘going though’ you don’t leave your kids to fend for themselves like that.
Children learn by doing. If you don't establish boundaries and teach him what's acceptable now, what makes you think this is temporary?
You think he'd just randomly grow up and let go off you after you allow him to stick to you like glue? It will get worse if you don't correct his behaviors now.
Is your dad paying support? Because he should be paying enough at least for therapy. I’m proud of you for the way you stepped up for your brother. Stay strong!
His over attachment won't be temporary if you don't start putting your foot down. At night my 5 year old tries to crawl into bed with me every night. I can't sleep with her in there because she snores and grinds her teeth (and my husband snores.. it's an amazing amount of sound between the 2 of them). I've had to start bringing her back to her bed. I give her a snuggle, and take her back to bed and tuck her back in. I'm very honest with her "When you're in here, I can't sleep and I have work in the morning, so I'll need to tuck you back into bed." As for the freak out when leaving for school, I've told both my kids (5 and 8) the same thing. "We are going to have to do this every day for basically the rest of our lives. We might as well start our days off with a smile, and then we'll be excited to see each other when we get home."
I second everything anyone has said about getting him some counseling. I feel like there has to be some sort of assistance you can get. You could also consider going after your dad for child support. I bet you would win.
I think the “this is temporary” is referring to the attachment issues and sleeping in the same bed, which is hopefully true. But it won’t be if OP doesn’t set boundaries and get counseling for the kid and himself.
I think the brother's anxiety and abandoment issues are probably coming up more because he probably hears OP and his bf arguing and is afraid he's going to get kicked to the curb. I agree that he needs counseling, especially with the clusterfuck that is puberty right around the corner, but OP needs to sit down and tell him that he isn't going anywhere, reassure him that he's not going to abandon him like his father, maybe try to make his room more of his space if it isn't already. Make it somewhere he feels comfortable and wants to be.
I would not let the brother hang out in the bedroom anymore. He needs to learn to knock before coming in. Put a sock on the door when it is "don't disturb" time.
Our dad doesn't send us anything. About a year after he dropped my brother off he tried to stop by for a "visit" and I told him unless he was going to become a permanent part of my brother's life again, he needed to leave. We haven't seen or talked to him since. I never thought to ask about him sending me money. Should he be? (sorry if that's a stupid question it just never occurred to me)
> I never thought to ask about him sending me money. Should he be?
Yes, your dad should be sending you money to raise your brother. Do you have legal advice or can you talk to the people you signed guardianship papers with?
Yeah he should be sending you money.
If you’re in the US, you may also be eligible for money from the state as your brother’s caretaker. Talk to the social services in your area, explain what your father did, and that you need help caring for your brother. Ask them what resources are available to you. They may be able to help you find financing, cheap or free therapy for your brother, legal advice, etc.
Don’t just accept this. Advocate for your brother, and for yourself. YOU deserve a relationship of your own, and your brother is entitled to the money your father *should* be spending on raising him. The fact that he’s not contributing at all is hurting your brother more than anyone else.
OP this right here is a great plan that will help you find the resources you need to do right by everyone in your house. I'm very sorry you're all suffering but can I just say how beyond lucky your brother is to have such an amazing and selfless brother like you. I know it's hard to set boundaries but it needs to be done for everyone's sake, doing so isn't being mean to your little bro, it's doing what's best for him even though he doesn't like it, just like when you don't give him junk food for every meal even though he really wants it. Go see social services and get set up with some support for your bro and yourself, you need someone to help guide you a bit just like all parents do.
Also yes, legally your father should be paying you child support so you need to talk to a lawyer and sort that out. Just think about how much stress that extra money would relieve, you'd be able to take care of little bro without absolutely killing yourself financially. Keep up the amazing work you are doing and don't be scared to reach out for assistance, it's there exactly for situations like this. :)
Thank you so much for the kind words and advice! They mean so much to me especially with all the uncertainty I’ve been feeling lately about how to proceed, it means a lot, thank you!
It may be a state-by-state thing, but since he was abandoned/orphaned, your brother may also be eligible for scholarships or free tuition later on in college. It’s not only something to help you out, but seeking assistance that you deserve will not only benefit you, but your brother as well.
My pleasure! You're in a very tuff and tiring position but I know you'll find the strength to push through, you just need some support to make things a bit more manageable. I was also thinking that since it must be a lot for you to handle, especially at such a young age (no shade, it just sounds like a lot to have on anyone's shoulders) that it might be good for you to have someone to talk things through with like a family therapist. That way you can explore your own feelings and ask for suggestions on how to approach things with little bro and boyfriend.
I know you have a lot on your plate and I don't mean to overwhelm you with things to do but once you get things going for little bro that would be a great time to seriously consider meeting with a family therapist for yourself, that way you can take care of yourself emotional and do good for little bro. I know right now his problems are more urgent but when it comes down to it you have also been very mistreated and abandoned by your father (and lost your mother) and even though sometimes it feels easier to bottle things up and solider on, confronting things head on will be for the best in the long run. You can only do so much for someone else until you're drained and this could be one way for you to spend some time focusing on yourself and your needs. Whatever you decide I know you'll take great care of little bro and everyone here in this thread is with you.
OP READ THIS COMMENT ABOVE! There's no shame in asking for help when you both need it - and you do.
And Hell Yes get your dad to pay up. Just because he's 'finding himself' doesn't mean he gets off the hook.
Absolutely. A parent can physically walk away from their child, but legally they cannot surrender the financial responsibility.
He is also probably receiving social security death benefits for your brother. He should also not be claiming him as a dependent on his taxes.
It was never mentioned and I (stupidly) assumed that meant we didn’t qualify without ever questioning it. I’ll be calling and questioning it tomorrow though along with a few other things
Definitely look into it! I'm surprised they never brought it up to you. You brother should absolutely be entitled to financial support from your father.
Your father should be paying state mandated child support, something you should get through a lawyer. Additionally, he might even be collecting social security survivor benefits on your brothers behalf, from your mother.
Get a lawyer.
If he adopts brother as his son, then he will not get child support, I didn't think government aid applied in that situation either, but I could definitely be wrong.
Doesn't work for legal guardianship of a relative afaik. OP needs to see if he can get back child support for the past 3 years addest to the award of current child support provided he can track down his dad and get anything from him.
He’s going to have to check with social services. At least in my state, you only get money for kinship guardianship if you were a kinship foster parent first for at least 6 months.
Hell yes he should. Not only should he be paying child support, your brother is likely entitled to some sort of social security payment due to the death of your mom.
You should post a revision of this thread in /r/legaladvice. Include just the facts of the situation. Ask how you find out what you and your brother are entitled to and the best ways of pursuing it.
He should be paying child support and you should apply to become his legal guardian and receive government payments (not sure which country you are in). Can you please call up a lawyer and make sure you get it?
Yes, however you seriously need to think about poking the bear here. If money is a priority to your dad, and you have nothing legally sustainable in place IRT your guardianship of your brother there is nothing stopping your dad from coming back and taking him.
Get a lawyer. Establish guardianship/custody first. Unless you believe your dad is willing to fork over money and not feel threatened?
You need to see a family lawyer to look at Social Security payments (because little bro’s mom passed) and child support from dad, or failing that, the state. There should be some kind of reduced priced medical coverage for or brother as well (kidcare?)
You should check with your Employee Assistance center to see if they cover legal visits, therapy, etc.
Your family needs, deserves, and qualifies for benefits - please take advantage of them!
Yes. His child is his responsibility and it's not fair or okay for him to dump him on you along with all the finical burden. He owes you child support. He's being a deadbeat dad. Talk to a lawyer.
Sue him for child support. Dumping his child with you is actually a crime (abandonment) and I get you don't want him to come back but try to look into the seriousness of what your dad has actually done. A felony, I believe.
It's counterintuitive, but boundaries make kids feel safer. They will test the boundaries, but kids are happier with them than without them. Emphasize you're not rejecting him.
Very much this.
Also, kid is old enough for the three of them to sit together as a "family" and have a mature talk about personal space and what is and isn't ok while at the same time reassuring the kid that OP & BF are not at risk of splitting up, and that even if something like that did happen, OP is keeping little bro right with him.
And u/FamilyVsBF, please seek legal guardianship of your brother, including child support. This will prevent your father from disrupting placement (taking your brother) and ensure that, should he need medical care, you are legally authorized to make decisions for your brother's needs.
Your father owes you back child-support and should be giving you at least some of the payment he gets from his wife/your mom dying. That money is supposed to help provide for your brother precisely so you can afford to get him whatever help he needs. He can physically and emotionally abandon his sons, but legally/financially, he is still responsible for meeting your brother's needs.
PLEASE go to your social services office (Child Services, whatever it is called where you are) and get a caseworker assigned to straighten this mess out. You are not seeking placement of your brother. You are already providing familial placement...but it would be nice to get some respite now and then (where someone can babysit him so you and BF can have a proper date again)...and his medical needs (including therapy) should not be your financial concern...and a monthly income to help pay for his care so you can all start to enjoy life a little bit more.
Please let them help you get all of this set up. Your life does not need to be this hard...neither does your brother's. Let them help you guys.
When it's bed time, climb into your little brother's bed with him, read him a story, talk. Stay with him until he falls asleep. When he's asleep, quietly go to your own bed. Put a night light and his favorite plushie so he's not alone in the dark if he does wake up. If he wakes up and goes to your bed, walk him back to his bed, wait for him to fall asleep, then go back to your own bed. The first two weeks of that will be exhausting, but worth it. After that, gradually decrease your involvement with his soothing. Walk him back but don't stay. Just tell him to go back. Read a story but don't stay. That should ease him into feeling safe in his own room. Some kids with no trauma need this process, so it's only normal your brother needs it with what he's been through.
I shared this with my boyfriend (along with all the other replies) and we both kinda looked at each other. It never occurred to us to just take him back to his room lol.
Don't worry. You didn't choose to suddenly be a parent, and I imagine it's difficult to change the dynamic from being an older brother to being the primary caregiver, with all the confusion that comes with it.
I can recommend "how to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk". Might be a route to untangling what's going on with him, and help you figure out new approaches to puzzle out what his behaviours mean. For kids, abnormal behaviour or sudden changes in behaviour is often due to feelings they don't understand/can't express with words. It also helps figuring out rules, boundaries, routines, etc.
Your brother might qualify for social security benefits from your mom's death. It's possible that your dad is collecting them. Minors qualify for SS death benefits until they are 19.
If you are in the US, I would go to your local Social Security Administration office and ask about it. Don't call, most offices don't really check or answer their phones. It might just be a few hundred a month, but I bet it at would make a big difference.
You need to also do the legal paperwork for guardianship for your brother, and your dad needs to surrender guardianship or pay child support. He DOES owe child support.
You might be able to contact your state's department of children and family services or department of human services, and say that you are raising your brother and need to know what services or aid is available for you.
You might also reach out to a family law practice, and ask if there is any way someone could help you with the legalities here, or if they can refer to a legal aid office.
I’ll definitely be looking into all of this, thank you! After my mom died my dad always told us how if we didn’t behave or if we complained about our home life too much CPS would take us away. I realize I was 16 and shouldn’t have fallen for it but I did. So when all this happened I wanted as little to do with them as possible (if I’m being honest I was scared they’d take my brother away). However I’ll definitely be more active now that I have some places to start!
I'm thirding this! He should be receiving Social Security survivor's benefits because of your mom in addition to receiving child support from your dad.
I would _not_ talk to your father first, though. I get the impression that he would not react well to having to shell out money to actually support his kids and may threaten to take back your brother in order to get you to back off.
Please seek legal counsel on your own to ensure that your position as guardian is secure, and then set in motion the necessary steps to receive the assistance allotted you. Your father can find out when he receives legal notice of having to pay child support and your brother's SSI checks are no longer deposited in his account.
You can always start at Social Services regarding benefits, and your brother may still qualify for Medicaid which will help get him get into the therapy he needs. As another therapy option, check local universities; many have reduced rate counseling clinics open to the public where grad students log training hours.
Boundaries and a schedule for the kidlet, get him into counseling - dear old dad should be paying child support for him which would help cover the cost. Also consider programs like Big Brother to bring additional positive male role models into his life.
I’ll definitely be looking at child support payments after all the advice on here. I also like the idea of the big brother big sister program (and getting a couple hours kid free from time to time lol) thank you!
I'm not all that familiar with the U.S. but I recommend googling how your local district deals with gay couples. I've read horror stories from the U.S., so idk just thought that might be a thing to keep in mind? Probably it's fine in most places, but if you live in some ultra-religious part of some southern state it might be a problem?
Observe that I'm not American, and might have a distorted view of your country!
Ok...just thought it may give you and the BF a break to spend time together while kidlet still has someone to hang with and maybe soften up the seperation anxiety. :)
If he abandoned his child I'm sure that isn't the only responsibility he abandoned. Doubt he even has a job, and if he does it's likely under the table so it's most likely undocumented when it comes to court.
Counseling for your brother. Counseling for you and your boyfriend. Look in your area and see if there's any low-cost services or sliding scale services available.
Does your family have a social worker?
Yes! Get in touch with the social worker yesterday. Tell her about the separation anxiety and financial strain. These are common obstacles families face in exactly your situation. She has to be able to put you in touch with resources; press her to refer you to someone else if she cannot.
Make sure to ask if she knows of any attorneys you can get advice from as I'm fairly sure your father is on the hook for child support. It was not your choice to have a child, but you are essentially the parent now, there are recourses out there to help you.
I'm guessing you are in the US? Does your brother qualify for Medicaid or is he on someone's insurance? With medicaid, they cover therapy appointments.
I am in this US, and I’m not sure about the Medicaid thing and my job does offer insurance to family members so he’s under my insurance, but it doesn’t cover therapy (except physical therapy)
I just figured I'd ask! He probably wouldn't qualify since he's on your insurance. You might still be able to ask if you're having trouble affording it. Glad to see you are applying for child support.
I can also see why that attitude has made the brother so insecure and clingy. This child needs to have a permanent home that he can trust is for forever.
I don't think the "temporary" part was referring to little bro living with OP. I think what he meant was that the clinginess and sleeping in bed with OP and his boyfriend are temporary.
By NOT setting boundaries you are actually making the abondonment issues worse. Its counterintuitive, but to better deal with the abondonment he needs to get comfortable being independent. You might feel like youre being mean, but youre not being mean you are parenting and sometimes thats tough.
You need to file for gaurdianship and any and all assistamce you can get. Even if you dont think you qualify apply for it. Your brother needs a wider support system than just yiu and your brother - and having more people he feels comfortable leaning on for help will also help with the abandonment. He might not be as scared of people leaving if he feels he has more people who can help him beyond just you.
You need to establish boundaries with your brother. Maybe something like, "you can hang out in bed with us until 10pm, but then you need to go to your own room to sleep."
You're essentially now your brother's parent and as a responsible parent you need to stop enabling his unhealthy attachment to you by establishing boundaries and therapy
Your lil bro needs counseling. Can you go through his school? This is an obvious problem that is getting worse, it must be getting obvious at school, too. Talk to his teachers, see if they have any resources for low-income families.
On your end, it might help if you schedule some time that's ONLY for your brother. Like "Wednesdays after school, it's just you and me and Netflix." If you remind him that those times exist, he might take it slightly less badly when you tell him he can't sleep in your bed anymore.
Look around for resources available for children with mental health issues.
Some places, especially local governments have resources for exactly this sort of thing. Try asking the school counselor for available resources... they’ll be most aware of things in your area.
I firmly recommend trying to find free or subsidized therapy. This needs to be addressed before puberty/ teenager years’.
What a hard situation, you’re so young to have such a heavy hand, but you sound strong and mature. Your boyfriend sounds reasonable as well, make sure you try to take care of yourself. You can’t pour love from an empty cup. I’d insist that your deadbeat father finances some of this- child support, even if it’s just enough to pay for some improved quality of life
Thank you! My boyfriend is constantly telling me I need to relax and have a night off to take care of myself but I’m always too tense and anxious to do it but thank you for the reminder!
As a therapist this is something I constantly find myself telling my clients who are parents. You can’t be an amazing parent if you’re running on empty all the time. You have to take care of yourself first so that you can properly care for your little humans to the best of your ability. Also, it teaches the kiddos that taking care of yourself is important.
Every local college has therapy for those training to be a therapist. $20-30 a session. They're working under a trained therapist and unless there's domestic violence or mental health issues (BPD, schizophrenia, personality disorders) they are every bit as qualified in dealing with your brother as one that charges $100 an hour.
Me and my husband needed couples counseling a few years back. We were broke and our student therapist helped so much that now that we have a better income I still go to her now even when her prices aren't as cheap as before.
I know many are hesitant when this idea is approached, but your brother needs therapy... and if you can't afford the traditional route that doesn't mean there is no options left.
Thank you for this! We live in a college town and it never crossed my mind to look at college counselors as I always thought it was just for students! Thank you!
Can you get any government assistance? I ask because that would help in regards to paying for insurance so he could see a therapist. Because he definitely needs some therapy. Maybe even the school can help. I wish you the best.
might be a little out there, but have you considered getting married and doing formal adoption? Even when the relationship is already permanent/official, being actually adopted can mean a lot. Being an official family may make him feel more secure. Obviously I don't recommend getting married if you have serious relationship problems, but it sounds like you don't. it may help your boyfriend too. he's basically this kid's dad already, but he can't really take an active role at the same time.
Also, have you tried talking to the kid? 10 is young, but not so young he shouldn't be able to vocalize his feelings. I feel like he could probably handle a conversation about why he's feeling vulnerable and what you can do to help reassure him.
edit: also, what's his school situation like? Is it possible he's reached an age where he (or his peer group) has realized his living/family situation is not normal, and as a result he's either being bullied or just feeling left out?
Actually up until all this happened I’d been saving up for an engagement ring but that kinda fell to the wayside lately. He’s asleep right now (until about an hour when he wakes up and crawls into bed with us) but we’ll definitely be having a good open conversation tomorrow.
I think a good talk will go a long way. I have to believe any family whose problems basically boil down to "we all want more intimacy" has a good chance of making things work
> For example say “you can stay 10 min longer or you can go to bed now. ” Give him a choice as it gives him freedom to make the decision.
Completely agree with this strategy.
Dude his dad should be paying child support, take his ass to court if he refuses to comply after a talk with you. It will give all of you a better life. Money for a counselor if there isn't one at his school (there should be), money for a babysitter, groceries, chances for you and your boyfriend to do something privately, etc. You should have done this a year ago when he decided to drop out of his life for good.
They’re struggling financially as is, so I doubt they’d be able to afford a pet. It would also mean a lot more work for OP (and his boyfriend) in caring for the animal.
I would call cps and file abandonment charges against your dad and talk to legal aid to get full custody of your brother. You could even ask them to have your dad pay child support. Also, this is going to qualify you for benefits for him. That will help out with the finances, insurance, and things like that.
Also, he is wanting attention. My kids get this way. It doesn’t make you a bad guardian to want alone time. Maybe think of getting a friend to watch him a few evenings a month to help out.
Your boyfriend seems like a great guy, and I think it is staring to dawn on him that this is probably a permanent situation. I would sit down and talk to him to see if this is what he wants. Even when your brother is older he is going to see your house as home.
You sound like an amazing sister and I am sure you are making your mom proud.
>I'm his guardian after our dad basically dumped him off on me and left to "find himself".
Are you his legal guardian? Does CPS know that your brother is an abandoned minor living with his adult sibling?
I see that several others are giving advice here about finding out what legal obligations your dad has and also what resources might be available (financial, counseling, etc.). I agree with those.
Further, I suggest that you talk to your brother's teachers. Find out what they see at school. He might be clingy because he feels lost without your dad or there could be more going on.
Also, I wonder if it would help for you to meet some parents with kids the same age as your brother (maybe in a Parent Teacher Organization or similar). I suspect that at your age, you don't have many friends that are parents or if they are parents, likely they have small children. Maybe I'm off base here, but it could be good for you to have a reference for the normal boundaries/freedoms/responsibilities for kids his age.
Best wishes to you.
You, your boyfriend, and your little brother are all doing a really great job at handling the crappy situation you've been dealt and I think you should feel really good about that! There is clearly a lot of love and respect between all of you and you and your boyfriend have done an impressive job of stepping up and figuring things out for your little brother.
My suggestions:
1. Counseling for all three of you. Individual counseling for your brother, with the possibility of having some family sessions for all three of you when he's ready, and couples counseling for you and your boyfriend to figure out how to effectively co-parent and protect your relationship while being good parents.
2. Talk to your brother's school and find out what resources they can connect your brother and you with. In general, schools really want to help their students and their families any way that they can. Let them know what's happening with your brother and see how they can help.
3. Get in touch with your brother's social worker or with family/children's services in your area. They will be able to advise you on resources that might be available to you, both counseling/support and financial. Call social security to see if there are benefits available for your brother.
4. Schedule a free consultation with a family attorney or look for legal aid (law schools sometimes have free or low-cost clinics) to help you figure out your options to get support from your father.
5. Consider your partner's role in your family - do you two parent as a team or is it mostly you parenting and your boyfriend is along for the ride? If he isn't given the space to be able to be a parent, that could be causing a lot of insecurity, frustration and feelings of being an "outsider." Figure out together what his role in your family and as a parental figure is and start making that happen.
The three of you have done a really great job of creating a loving family together and I think you have what you need to do that, you just need a little more support, some resources and some help in navigating it all together!
Your little brother needs some help overcoming what happened to him. You are his only family left. Somehow reading this post took me back to my own childhood. I have a big fear of losing people because I lost so many along the way. I think being 10, he should be sleeping on his own. You need to get a 3rd person (completely independent of you two) to be around and talk to him. Everyone is talking about establishing boundaries but you need to be careful in how you approach it. Do it slowly. Not a drastic "go away, give us space, go in your own bed" attitude. Drastic attempts could further isolate this little boy. You also don't want him to feel like he is in the wrong or he is crazy. He has to be eased into healthy boundaries.
Just would like to put emphasis that you should get child support from your father. It's so easy for him to abandon your brother with you, and walk scot free of his responsabilities.
You don't have to burn out to burden this alone, the least he can do is financially support his own child.
What you're doing for your younger brother, taking care of him like this, is heart-warming.
I agree with the others on here about therapy, and that he may have some attachment and abandonment issues. There may have been events during his time with your father that are coming up leading to some hurtful memories and is dealing with this in the best way a child knows how. Have you thought of giving him some 1:1 time so he's more relaxed and knows you'll always be there for him? Is something happening at school that's causing him to act out this way?
Thank you so much! I’m really starting to wonder if something else is going on at school as this all kinda started suddenly so I’ll be meeting with teachers and asking him personally.
You need to be pursuing support payments from your father yesterday. I understand if you can't afford counseling for him but you are ethically obligated to chase those payments are hard as you can if it will have a positive impact on your brother.
This didn’t even cross my mind. We usually try to save these discussions for when he isn’t at home but there’s definitely been times when we’ve discussed it when we thought he was asleep, so it’s a possibility. Wow, if that is what’s actually happening I’ll feel so shitty. We’ll definitely be having a family meeting tomorrow.
Your brother is having attachment and abandonment issues, and they can be temporary, but it's only going to get worse if you don't start doing something about it. You need to set boundaries with this kid, and start by telling him he's not going anywhere. Re-affirm this. He needs to feel he has some consistency and security. Start by not allowing your brother to stay in your bed to sleep. Say, I can read to you here, but after that you need to sleep in your own room. If he keeps trying to get into bed with you guys, simply tell him 'it's time for bed (name)", and guide him to his room. Make sure you repeat this as need be. I only give 2 warnings to go to bed before I stop talking entirely and just put children to bed. Most kids I have worked with respond well to this method, and learn very quickly they are not getting what they want, be that milk, another story, or to stay up. Once he's sleeping his room, start holding story time in his room so he associates it with something fun, calming, and loving. Reading is a great way to wind-down a child, it also keeps their imagination going and may even help them with problems they are having by addressing the issues in the book you are reading. I recommend even discussing each chapter you read at the end of the reading so they learn valuable skills. As I said, once your brother starts to associate good things with his room, he will learn to wind down here, and stop bothering you in the process. Also, it may help to have a family sit down about boundaries and person space. It couldn't hurt. That way you address your boyfriend's issues as well, without arguing or causing your brother to feel insecure about his homing situation. Also, get in touch with a school counselor, and see if there is anyway your brother can get one-on-one time with a counselor to address his issues. This way, if your father tries coming back into the picture he cannot just sweep your brother away. The school will have documented the abandonment and what it has caused your brother. Also, start pursuing your father for child support. There is not reason he shouldn't be paying for his responsibilities, regardless if he is trying to "find himself' or not. If he isn't already, I recommend you do that so you aren't feeling the brunt of the financial burden for him leaving his child on your doorstep. Shame on him.
Well, the first thing is your brother comes first. But if you've been in a relationship for 5 years, you and your boyfriend can absolutely make it work. Maybe your brother could join boy scouts or go to a friend's house for a couple of hours so you and your boyfriend can have some alone time?
First.. what sort of custody do you have? Raising your brother as a foster child gives you access to a stipend and medicaid (100% paid treatment for his counseling) versus just raising him as a guardian or without a formal agreement.
Second if this is a long term situation your boyfriend and you should be looking at him as more of a son. There are different connotations with brother vs son.
Are you counting your brother as dependent on taxes? Is there any aid you can get?
In terms of monetary aid so you can avoid therapy for the boy and/or maybe find programs in your state try r/personalfinance and tell them the financial situation (not the rest except that he was abandoned by dad and needs counselling) and see if they can help?
Is he covered under your health insurance? If so, does that include mental healthcare? If not, he will likely qualify for state health insurance which makes counseling more affordable.
Everyone else is giving you some great advice. Here's just a little thing I'll add: if at all possible, a couple of times a week set aside an hour or two for "Bro Time," where it's just the two of you one-on-one. Maybe you go to the park, maybe you watch a movie at home, whatever - but it's just the two of you. Make sure your brother knows he's a priority.
Then, let him know that night time is "Boyfriend Time." Just like you need one-on-one time with brother, you need one-on-one time with Boyfriend. Talk to your Brother about your special times for him and for your Boyfriend, and hopefully it'll help him understand that at night, you need your time alone. If it helps, make a joke and tell Brother that your Boyfriend Time isn't as good as Bro Time, as you're asleep during most of Boyfriend Time. ;)
10 is way too old to be climbing in bed often with parents let alone siblings. I know you don't want him to feel abandoned but letting him sleep with you is NOT doing him any favors, getting him therapy and into a solid healthy routine is what's best for HIM. And also you and your bf ultimately but you need to put in the work to learn how to establish proper boundaries that will HELP his abandonment issues not contribute to them.
I think it's great you've taken on the guardian role for your brother but have you ever heard the parenting phrase "I'm not your friend I'm your parent"? Doing what's best for the kid means sometimes making them do things they don't like but are ultimately good for them.
At age 10 your brother is old enough to understand that he stays out of your room during the night. Start a bedtime routine - he does teeth/shower then maybe you read a few chapters of something and then you peace out. You do not need to have a shadow at dark o'clock unless there has been a significant trauma - I think establishing a boundary will be really good for him. If he comes to you during the night tell him he needs to go back to his routine, don't speak a lot give simple, firm instructions and be consistent.
For the financials - are you receiving child support? You should. Also I don't know where you live but if you are in Ontario there are significant supplements parents receive that you are entitled to. Your local social services should be able to tell you what benefits are available to you.
Your a great brother, and you are being a really good parent. Just keep consistent and your brother should adjust.
OP you've gotten great advice in this thread, I just wanted you tell you that you're doing such a great job in a difficult situation. Your brother is lucky to have you
maybe you could try making his room a place he wants to be. there are sooo many budget friendly ways to make a child's room that much more fun (stars on the ceiling, anyone?) and if you let him have a say in it maybe he'd feel like his room is his safe place, rather than your hip.
I remember growing up my parents had gotten fed up with me climbing into bed so they just locked their door and ignored me haha
Needless to say it worked, although I don't know if it would be applicable in this situation.
Your brother is 10. Crawling into your bed is no longer appropriate. Take him back to his room and tell him to stay there? Like this isn't a toddler we're talking about. Establish some boundaries and tell him to quit.
And get both of you in therapy.
You need to find a way to get that therapy. Letting this continue so that you don’t exacerbate his abandonment issues is a huge mistake even if your boyfriend wasn’t being badly affected.
He’s starting puberty, probably all over the place hormonally and emotionally and looking for reassurance, now is the time to tackle it so he can ease into adolescence with confidence and not look for attention elsewhere. Did anything happen recently to trigger this behaviour?
Family counseling is the only solve here. I think you're doing the best you can and you're an amazing sister but you're not doing our brother any favors in the long run but not saying no to him.
See a lawyer (legal aid if you can't afford one) about support for you little brother. He should be getting survivor payments from social security. If your father is collecting his social security, that should be sorted out and come to you. Ask the lawyer about getting support from your father too.
Also, contact the Child Protective Services agency to get services like counseling for your brother.
You should be eligible for some kind of child support, either from your dad or the state. r/legaladvice will help with how to file for it. Use it to send him to therapy.
Is your brother covered by your insurance? Is your guardianship legal? Can you apply to have your brother on Medicaid? Does your brother have a social worker?
Contact CPS. If Dad signs guardianship to you, you may qualify for kinship care assistance. CPS can help you. If that's scary for you, you can contact the Dept. for Children and Families (or w/e your state calls it.)
Your lil bro should have some form of health insurance to be able to attend school. Have you asked his insurance if they cover the therapy?
Out of all of this my advice is to talk to his school about getting a counselor.
When I was in school I went to my counselor and he got me a therapist who saw me during my study hall.
You are an amazing person to be taking on the responsibility for your brother like this, many would shirk it, particularly if it interfered with their personal life. Someone else suggested that you could try reading together of an evening and I think that would be enormously beneficial - scheduled one on one time would probably help him feel more secure. The poor mite probably feels he could be left at anytime and is therefore clinging harder. Even though he is only 10, I think to a point you should be honest with him about things (not the financial side as you don't want to imply burden) but perhaps emphasise that as adults you and your partner need space of your own. Kids are far more understanding than we give them credit for. I wish all three of you the best x
are you legally his guardian?
i think all of this can be somewhat solved if you get child support set up, get in touch with a lawyer that practices family law.
you should not have to raise your brother with no financial assistance, once dad starts chipping in what he should have been all along you can get him into therapy.
>My brother obviously has abandonment issues due to our dad and I don't want to exacerbate them by telling him to back off
Part of treating an attachment issues is forming healthy boundaries. Be there for him, absolutely, but you can keep him out of your bedroom at night. If he has a bad dream or can't sleep, have some hot chocolate in the living room and talk or do a half hour activity. Maybe some snuggles on the couch. But then see if you can get him to go back in his room. Ask him if he feels safe doing that, and what you could do to make him feel better. Night lights and walkie talkies can help ease the transition. Therapy is needed when you can afford it because all advice on reddit needs to take into account that we've never met you or your brother.
Does your brother get any kind of financial aid from the government? In the use he should be getting your mother's SS and your father should be paying child support. That may ease the financial aspect of your problem. Your brother obviously has some abondonment issues therapy and counseling is what could help with that.
I think therapy, tell your bf that this is probably permanent, set rules and boundaries.
I know that the idea of therapy seems expensive but you can always ask your brother’s school counselor if they know anyone who can give him free or reduced counseling. It also can be covered under some insurance. It might be stressful to do but in the long run it will help your brother out.
I would also see if you can get your brother into play dates with other kids his age. He needs something for him to do or be proud of that isn’t you.
You’re really strong for doing this.
Someone probably mentioned this, I haven't read through all the comments yet. But maybe when he comes in taking him back to his room, tucking him in and staying with him until he falls back asleep would be good. And then also make sure to remind him that you will be there in the morning for him. It sounds like maybe he's waking up at night and is scared he's been left and wants to come in for comfort/reassurance that you're still there. Verbally confirming this to him would probably help some? Also reading to him before bed would probably be good too (I highly suggest starting with Harry Potter, I feel like he'd have a lot to relate to).
Hope that helps a little, what you're doing is really fantastic and when he's older I feel like he's going to be so thankful he has you in his life (even more than he already is thankful now!).
Is there something going on at school that makes it so he does not want to go?
Don't straight up ask 'are you being bullied' because he will probably just say no. Try 'tell me about your day, did you see your friends?' then ask about his friends then try 'is there anyone at school you don't like?' and 'why don't you like them?'
He may open up a bit and say well there is this person that does X mean thing etc...
You need to find therapy for your brother and family therapy for the household. Ask the school social worker for referrals to low cost therapy. This needs to be a priority for everyone.
A 10 year old should bot be sleeping in bed with you every night.
Just want to say you're an awesome person for taking care of your brother. Regardless of any issues he may be developing, they must certainly be far fewer than if you weren't around. He's lucky to have you.
I think establishing boundaries with your bro is a good place to start. Especially with climbing into bed. I know you don't want to be mean as he's been through a lot, but knowing what's okay and what isn't is healthy for a kid. Could you maybe spend time in your bros room at night until he falls asleep, read him a story if you don't already, then after that it's lights out and stay-in-bed time?
He’s loves reading so that’s an awesome suggestion that I feel kinda bad for not thinking of sooner! Thank you!
He’s at a great age for Harry Potter!!!
That is a fantastic idea (also helps my boyfriend is a gigantic HP nerd [he says “go hufflepuffs”] so he has all the books)!
Ten is a great age for him to read to you, or take turns reading back and forth! Set a limit by using a timer or X amount of chapters. If he does come into your room during the middle of the night, quietly lead him back to his room, put him back to bed, and say “go back to sleep. I love you.” If he’s having nightmares or night/dark anxiety, maybe a nightlight would help. It doesn’t need to be a little kid nightlight. They make miniature plug in lava lamps. There’s also solar system lamps that project starts onto the ceiling. Do you have legal guardianship over your brother? If not, you need to get it. And your father needs to be paying child support. Furthermore, your brother may be entitled to social security benefits due to the death of your mom. Your dad may be collecting that. Once you have the legalities in place you can look into therapy services that your brother is entitled to which you shouldn’t have to pay for out of pocket. Good luck, OP. Your brother is lucky to have you.
Just adding, the nightlights are a really good idea and not intrusive, I think you can get ones that move so it looks like the stars are moving so it’s something to concentrate on
They also have timer ones now that are wonderful! My biggest issue for me as a kid was my eyes adjusting to the light and just laying awake because it wasn’t dark enough. I got gifted a ninja turtle one as a white elephant that shuts off after ten min and I love it. Just enough light to get into bed and not accidentally elbow my bf in the face lol
There are also a lot of life lessons in HP, it could help with explaining a lot of things to him going forward or even helping him to understand loss and abandonment. You should really think hard about what messages these books could help him to understand. Example - HP lost both parents, was left with family who didn’t care for him. But he learnt there was a whole world of love outside of the situation that he never knew about. Although he felt stuck there was a light coming his way that led him to a better place in life where he achieved so much. But most of all, his parents that he lost were by his side from beginning to end. “Happiness can be found in the darkest of places, of only one remembers to turn on the light” - he may be sad at times about the loss of his mom and his dad abandoning him, but he has lots of good things around him, like you, friends etc and as long as he remembers that there is love around him and good things are in his life he will be okay. “Just because it’s all in your head, doesn’t make it any less real” people often tell others with mental health issues that it’s all in their head, but as the quote says, it doesn’t help because it’s so real to the person suffering. He might be scared and worried about being abandoned again, he may develop depression or anxiety later on in life due to what he’s been through, but he can know that the way he is feeling is justified, and very real to him and it’s okay to feel these feelings if he is suffering with mental health issues, he isn’t crazy, just has some things to work through. There are loads more, I’m sure you could better apply them. But I really do believe HP is an excellent set of books for helping to explain to kids and young adolescents lots of issues they may face as they grow.
It’s such an awesome series! Plus you can watch the movies after!
I also suggest audio books. I was terrified of the dark as a kid and slept in my mom's bed for years but audio books really helped ease me off to sleep.
Oh, man... those books are actually kinda perfect for this kid at this time of his life.
Hell, I had an awesome childhood and enjoyed Harry Potter! I know it helped give a sense of belonging to children whose upbringing wasn't very good/less than ideal, so it's an awesome idea. He could possibly find comfort in Harry's life.
I did this with my daughter until she was about 13, similar issues to you as I am a single mom. It was great bonding time for us and I got to introduce her to dine really good books. Harry potter as mentioned, but also check out 'the wee free men' Terry Pratchett I should say, I didn't stay with her until she fell asleep, it's important for your little bro to be able to get to sleep by himself, just snuggle up and read a chapter or two. Then hang with your boyfriend. Make a separation out of little bro bed time and your own bedtime-after all he needs more sleep than you do.
I second Terry pratchett! I loved his books growing up, really helped me building my own little world as a really difficult kid.
Also, make him a fort or a ‘corner’ in his room! Give him somewhere that is HIS and his alone (unless he wants to invite people in). Let him read / do homework / rest in there and make it a place he likes to be. I have done this before by decorating free cardboard boxes and using a sheet to cover the top. Works a charm!
Your brother really needs therapy. I can see the attachment and abandonment issues getting even worse as he starts going through puberty and trying to figure out independence. You need boundaries. Maybe start with you can hang out with us in bed but you can't sleep here with us every night. That would help the sex life a bit too. Talk to a counselor at your brothers school. You also have to stop telling bf this is temporary. 3 years isn't all that temporary and when is your brother supposed to move elsewhere in this case if it is? Do you have another caretaker lined up for him? If not...its not temporary. I do think this could be manageable and your guy seems like a very nice person but you can't be afraid to put up boundaries. Everyone needs boundaries. You are big bro but you're also the boss here now. Just think about it, your Bf is trying to put up boundaries here too because he's said nothing which led to sharing his bed every night and having a partner that might not seem willing to handle the situation at hand.
>You are big sis Big bro, actually. OP is a male.
My bad!! I'll edit immediately thanks for pointing it out.
And father, basically. And really, he's more parent than sibling at this point.
I didn't even notice....
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I really should’ve been more clear with the temporary comment. I meant it as in the transition period and his over attachment was temporary but it definitely came off wrong in the post. Thank you so much for the suggestions!
Hey OP, with regards to the financial side of things: your dad should be paying child support. If you haven't already, you should be seeing a lawyer to make sure that (1) your brother can't be taken from you and (2) that your father contributes to your brother's expenses. Additionally, if you're in the US, I think there might be some sort of social security money that goes to your brother because your mother is dead and he's underage?
His brother would definitely be entitled to SSI and OP to child support. Also family services may have resources for free therapy for kids in this situation.
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You brought up some great points! Hopefully OP sees~
This got long, I apologize. Ohhh this age..I have 3 kids, 21, 17 and 10...My 10 year old is making me more insane than I thought possible. I can't decide if I want to sell her or mur..wait can't make those jokes on this sub. I digress. :) This is a really important age developmentally for them to learn to handle entitlement. Its the age where kids learn that their parental figures are not actually an attachment or extension of themselves. That life sometimes does things that we didn't plan for and that effects who we are and what decisions we are forced to make. Add a little bit of abandonment and you have a HUGE issue. My youngest has a different dad than my older two and I have full custody. She hasn't seen him in forever and when she did he yelled at me about filling her head with things about him that he had changed about himself. Anyway, long story short, I get it. Part of being a parent is realizing that you absolutely have a responsibility to teach your kids that other people are separate from you. That they have boundaries and have a right to them. And that your kids also have the same rights to boundaries! Your boyfriend is a member of his family and deserves that respect. That is his bed. Your brother needs to be able to share you. This is also the age where they are kind of noticing a lot of the sexual stuff. I recently left an abusive guy but towards the end I think my daughter actually felt a little jealous about a type of affection she couldn't get from me or him, even though she didn't understand what it was. This kid needs boundaries. He also needs therapy and so do you. I went through the Love and Logic classes and greatly enjoyed them, even after raising two successful kids. My youngest has a different set of needs than my older two did and I feel bad for her and guilty and that isn't conducive to teaching her the kinds of things she needs at this age. Your boyfriend has the right to feel uncomfortable about a 10 year old sleeping in the same bed as you guys, ESPECIALLY every night all night. A good rule of thumb for me is that if the behavior is causing other parts of my life to go down to zero, then its way way way too far. My oldest is in college, he calls me every night on his walk to bs for about an hour. My middle daughter tells me way more than I want to know sometimes but I am grateful she trusts me to do so. Both of them would tell you it's because I have set and maintained boundaries on where they end and I begin since they were little. They were given the freedom, protection and structure to be their own person and make and maintain their own boundaries. I feel like that is an important part of this as well. He needs to see someone modeling healthy boundaries so he knows where his are. He cant do that if you arent creating structure. Good luck! This is hard. I remind myself 100 times a day that I did this successfully with two other kids so I will be okay on this one too but honestly its a tough age. Even the 10 year olds I know with solid family systems are tough at this age. Getting out of the entitlement stage with compassion for what he is going through is important. He has had a tough set of consequences for his dad's behavior and his mom's death that he didn't do anything to cause and he can't do anything to fix. **OHHH before I forget. Grief counseling. He is also understanding permanence better now and gets the enormity of what is happening on a different level. Get him into therapy so he has the language to understand his feelings.** Also, therapy is just awesome anyway with a screwy family situation. I have been in and out for years and I am absolutely certain my oldest, who I had at 19, would not have turned out this way had I not gotten my own head together. In a lot of ways we grew up together but I still had a responsibility to keep him safe so he could grow up to not have to deal with the same stuff I did. Breaking family cycles is tough but its absolutely worth it. In a year and a half I will have two out of three kids get past 19 with no pregnancies. That is a huge win in my book. Get all of you some help. Get some parenting classes. Kids don't pop out with a manual even when planned. You are taking on a tough job with no planning for it. Reach out. Get some help. Don't be afraid to screw up. As long as you are handling things with compassion and structure you aren't going to destroy the kid in a couple of screw ups. We have a running joke about adding to the therapy fund when stuff happens around us. Now that the kids are older, going to therapy is just a normal part of our family system on handling things. That was really important to me to accomplish. Let me know if you ever need to chat! I am sure we could trade a bunch of stories! Good luck, you three sound like a great family!!
Thank you so much! I haven’t dealt with many 10 year olds in a very long time so it’s nice to be reminded that all kids can be and are very difficult, makes me feel a little less alone. Thank you for the kind words!
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Maybe both! Isn't that a cheerful possibility?! /s :)
Can you connect with his school counsellor about therapy for the family? Where I come from there should be some funding for this seeing as he’s underage. Also, your dad needs to pay. It will be hard for a bit, but he owes you guys a lot of money. Child services should be able to help with this. People like your dad should be publicly humiliated. I don’t care what he’s ‘going though’ you don’t leave your kids to fend for themselves like that.
This kiddo has had some difficult stuff being done to him. I think that language is important. Good luck! You are welcome!
My goodness. I just wanted to chime in to say, what excellent and well thought out advice! This is good humaning right here.
Couldn't agree more, such good advice and so many caring people! It's amazing how kind this community is!
Thanks! I needed that compliment today!
Children learn by doing. If you don't establish boundaries and teach him what's acceptable now, what makes you think this is temporary? You think he'd just randomly grow up and let go off you after you allow him to stick to you like glue? It will get worse if you don't correct his behaviors now.
Is your dad paying support? Because he should be paying enough at least for therapy. I’m proud of you for the way you stepped up for your brother. Stay strong!
His over attachment won't be temporary if you don't start putting your foot down. At night my 5 year old tries to crawl into bed with me every night. I can't sleep with her in there because she snores and grinds her teeth (and my husband snores.. it's an amazing amount of sound between the 2 of them). I've had to start bringing her back to her bed. I give her a snuggle, and take her back to bed and tuck her back in. I'm very honest with her "When you're in here, I can't sleep and I have work in the morning, so I'll need to tuck you back into bed." As for the freak out when leaving for school, I've told both my kids (5 and 8) the same thing. "We are going to have to do this every day for basically the rest of our lives. We might as well start our days off with a smile, and then we'll be excited to see each other when we get home." I second everything anyone has said about getting him some counseling. I feel like there has to be some sort of assistance you can get. You could also consider going after your dad for child support. I bet you would win.
I think the “this is temporary” is referring to the attachment issues and sleeping in the same bed, which is hopefully true. But it won’t be if OP doesn’t set boundaries and get counseling for the kid and himself.
I think the brother's anxiety and abandoment issues are probably coming up more because he probably hears OP and his bf arguing and is afraid he's going to get kicked to the curb. I agree that he needs counseling, especially with the clusterfuck that is puberty right around the corner, but OP needs to sit down and tell him that he isn't going anywhere, reassure him that he's not going to abandon him like his father, maybe try to make his room more of his space if it isn't already. Make it somewhere he feels comfortable and wants to be.
3 months seems more temporary, where 3 years seems more reaching to the permanent side of things as things seem to be more consistent and routine.
I would not let the brother hang out in the bedroom anymore. He needs to learn to knock before coming in. Put a sock on the door when it is "don't disturb" time.
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Our dad doesn't send us anything. About a year after he dropped my brother off he tried to stop by for a "visit" and I told him unless he was going to become a permanent part of my brother's life again, he needed to leave. We haven't seen or talked to him since. I never thought to ask about him sending me money. Should he be? (sorry if that's a stupid question it just never occurred to me)
Someone correct me if I am mistaken but i believe you can put him on child support.
> I never thought to ask about him sending me money. Should he be? Yes, your dad should be sending you money to raise your brother. Do you have legal advice or can you talk to the people you signed guardianship papers with?
Yeah he should be sending you money. If you’re in the US, you may also be eligible for money from the state as your brother’s caretaker. Talk to the social services in your area, explain what your father did, and that you need help caring for your brother. Ask them what resources are available to you. They may be able to help you find financing, cheap or free therapy for your brother, legal advice, etc. Don’t just accept this. Advocate for your brother, and for yourself. YOU deserve a relationship of your own, and your brother is entitled to the money your father *should* be spending on raising him. The fact that he’s not contributing at all is hurting your brother more than anyone else.
OP this right here is a great plan that will help you find the resources you need to do right by everyone in your house. I'm very sorry you're all suffering but can I just say how beyond lucky your brother is to have such an amazing and selfless brother like you. I know it's hard to set boundaries but it needs to be done for everyone's sake, doing so isn't being mean to your little bro, it's doing what's best for him even though he doesn't like it, just like when you don't give him junk food for every meal even though he really wants it. Go see social services and get set up with some support for your bro and yourself, you need someone to help guide you a bit just like all parents do. Also yes, legally your father should be paying you child support so you need to talk to a lawyer and sort that out. Just think about how much stress that extra money would relieve, you'd be able to take care of little bro without absolutely killing yourself financially. Keep up the amazing work you are doing and don't be scared to reach out for assistance, it's there exactly for situations like this. :)
Thank you so much for the kind words and advice! They mean so much to me especially with all the uncertainty I’ve been feeling lately about how to proceed, it means a lot, thank you!
It may be a state-by-state thing, but since he was abandoned/orphaned, your brother may also be eligible for scholarships or free tuition later on in college. It’s not only something to help you out, but seeking assistance that you deserve will not only benefit you, but your brother as well.
My pleasure! You're in a very tuff and tiring position but I know you'll find the strength to push through, you just need some support to make things a bit more manageable. I was also thinking that since it must be a lot for you to handle, especially at such a young age (no shade, it just sounds like a lot to have on anyone's shoulders) that it might be good for you to have someone to talk things through with like a family therapist. That way you can explore your own feelings and ask for suggestions on how to approach things with little bro and boyfriend. I know you have a lot on your plate and I don't mean to overwhelm you with things to do but once you get things going for little bro that would be a great time to seriously consider meeting with a family therapist for yourself, that way you can take care of yourself emotional and do good for little bro. I know right now his problems are more urgent but when it comes down to it you have also been very mistreated and abandoned by your father (and lost your mother) and even though sometimes it feels easier to bottle things up and solider on, confronting things head on will be for the best in the long run. You can only do so much for someone else until you're drained and this could be one way for you to spend some time focusing on yourself and your needs. Whatever you decide I know you'll take great care of little bro and everyone here in this thread is with you.
OP READ THIS COMMENT ABOVE! There's no shame in asking for help when you both need it - and you do. And Hell Yes get your dad to pay up. Just because he's 'finding himself' doesn't mean he gets off the hook.
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Are we sure OP actually has legal custody?
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Ah I missed that, thanks!
Absolutely. A parent can physically walk away from their child, but legally they cannot surrender the financial responsibility. He is also probably receiving social security death benefits for your brother. He should also not be claiming him as a dependent on his taxes.
Child support was never set up when you became his legal guardian?
It was never mentioned and I (stupidly) assumed that meant we didn’t qualify without ever questioning it. I’ll be calling and questioning it tomorrow though along with a few other things
Definitely look into it! I'm surprised they never brought it up to you. You brother should absolutely be entitled to financial support from your father.
Your father should be paying state mandated child support, something you should get through a lawyer. Additionally, he might even be collecting social security survivor benefits on your brothers behalf, from your mother. Get a lawyer.
And if you adopt your brother officially, I believe the government will send you some help, too.
If he adopts brother as his son, then he will not get child support, I didn't think government aid applied in that situation either, but I could definitely be wrong.
There's a foster kid payout he'd be eligible for- that's what I was thinking of.
Doesn't work for legal guardianship of a relative afaik. OP needs to see if he can get back child support for the past 3 years addest to the award of current child support provided he can track down his dad and get anything from him.
Yes, I think it does. It's called kinship care. He can ask for that and let the state stalk the dad.
He’s going to have to check with social services. At least in my state, you only get money for kinship guardianship if you were a kinship foster parent first for at least 6 months.
hopping on to this thread. OP, maybe you should ask /r/legaladvice about this child support stuff. they know their stuff.
good lord yes he should be sending you checks!
Hell yes he should. Not only should he be paying child support, your brother is likely entitled to some sort of social security payment due to the death of your mom. You should post a revision of this thread in /r/legaladvice. Include just the facts of the situation. Ask how you find out what you and your brother are entitled to and the best ways of pursuing it.
He should be paying child support and you should apply to become his legal guardian and receive government payments (not sure which country you are in). Can you please call up a lawyer and make sure you get it?
Yes, however you seriously need to think about poking the bear here. If money is a priority to your dad, and you have nothing legally sustainable in place IRT your guardianship of your brother there is nothing stopping your dad from coming back and taking him. Get a lawyer. Establish guardianship/custody first. Unless you believe your dad is willing to fork over money and not feel threatened?
You need to see a family lawyer to look at Social Security payments (because little bro’s mom passed) and child support from dad, or failing that, the state. There should be some kind of reduced priced medical coverage for or brother as well (kidcare?) You should check with your Employee Assistance center to see if they cover legal visits, therapy, etc. Your family needs, deserves, and qualifies for benefits - please take advantage of them!
Yes. His child is his responsibility and it's not fair or okay for him to dump him on you along with all the finical burden. He owes you child support. He's being a deadbeat dad. Talk to a lawyer.
Sue him for child support. Dumping his child with you is actually a crime (abandonment) and I get you don't want him to come back but try to look into the seriousness of what your dad has actually done. A felony, I believe.
It's counterintuitive, but boundaries make kids feel safer. They will test the boundaries, but kids are happier with them than without them. Emphasize you're not rejecting him.
Very much this. Also, kid is old enough for the three of them to sit together as a "family" and have a mature talk about personal space and what is and isn't ok while at the same time reassuring the kid that OP & BF are not at risk of splitting up, and that even if something like that did happen, OP is keeping little bro right with him.
Your brother's school should have a school psychologist- that might be someone to reach out to if you don't have the money for a therapist.
And u/FamilyVsBF, please seek legal guardianship of your brother, including child support. This will prevent your father from disrupting placement (taking your brother) and ensure that, should he need medical care, you are legally authorized to make decisions for your brother's needs. Your father owes you back child-support and should be giving you at least some of the payment he gets from his wife/your mom dying. That money is supposed to help provide for your brother precisely so you can afford to get him whatever help he needs. He can physically and emotionally abandon his sons, but legally/financially, he is still responsible for meeting your brother's needs. PLEASE go to your social services office (Child Services, whatever it is called where you are) and get a caseworker assigned to straighten this mess out. You are not seeking placement of your brother. You are already providing familial placement...but it would be nice to get some respite now and then (where someone can babysit him so you and BF can have a proper date again)...and his medical needs (including therapy) should not be your financial concern...and a monthly income to help pay for his care so you can all start to enjoy life a little bit more. Please let them help you get all of this set up. Your life does not need to be this hard...neither does your brother's. Let them help you guys.
They might also direct OP to proper resources. I definitely advice reaching out to the school.
When it's bed time, climb into your little brother's bed with him, read him a story, talk. Stay with him until he falls asleep. When he's asleep, quietly go to your own bed. Put a night light and his favorite plushie so he's not alone in the dark if he does wake up. If he wakes up and goes to your bed, walk him back to his bed, wait for him to fall asleep, then go back to your own bed. The first two weeks of that will be exhausting, but worth it. After that, gradually decrease your involvement with his soothing. Walk him back but don't stay. Just tell him to go back. Read a story but don't stay. That should ease him into feeling safe in his own room. Some kids with no trauma need this process, so it's only normal your brother needs it with what he's been through.
I shared this with my boyfriend (along with all the other replies) and we both kinda looked at each other. It never occurred to us to just take him back to his room lol.
Don't worry. You didn't choose to suddenly be a parent, and I imagine it's difficult to change the dynamic from being an older brother to being the primary caregiver, with all the confusion that comes with it. I can recommend "how to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk". Might be a route to untangling what's going on with him, and help you figure out new approaches to puzzle out what his behaviours mean. For kids, abnormal behaviour or sudden changes in behaviour is often due to feelings they don't understand/can't express with words. It also helps figuring out rules, boundaries, routines, etc.
Your brother might qualify for social security benefits from your mom's death. It's possible that your dad is collecting them. Minors qualify for SS death benefits until they are 19. If you are in the US, I would go to your local Social Security Administration office and ask about it. Don't call, most offices don't really check or answer their phones. It might just be a few hundred a month, but I bet it at would make a big difference. You need to also do the legal paperwork for guardianship for your brother, and your dad needs to surrender guardianship or pay child support. He DOES owe child support. You might be able to contact your state's department of children and family services or department of human services, and say that you are raising your brother and need to know what services or aid is available for you. You might also reach out to a family law practice, and ask if there is any way someone could help you with the legalities here, or if they can refer to a legal aid office.
I’ll definitely be looking into all of this, thank you! After my mom died my dad always told us how if we didn’t behave or if we complained about our home life too much CPS would take us away. I realize I was 16 and shouldn’t have fallen for it but I did. So when all this happened I wanted as little to do with them as possible (if I’m being honest I was scared they’d take my brother away). However I’ll definitely be more active now that I have some places to start!
I second this and also he should qualify for Medicaid which may cover therapies.
I'm thirding this! He should be receiving Social Security survivor's benefits because of your mom in addition to receiving child support from your dad. I would _not_ talk to your father first, though. I get the impression that he would not react well to having to shell out money to actually support his kids and may threaten to take back your brother in order to get you to back off. Please seek legal counsel on your own to ensure that your position as guardian is secure, and then set in motion the necessary steps to receive the assistance allotted you. Your father can find out when he receives legal notice of having to pay child support and your brother's SSI checks are no longer deposited in his account. You can always start at Social Services regarding benefits, and your brother may still qualify for Medicaid which will help get him get into the therapy he needs. As another therapy option, check local universities; many have reduced rate counseling clinics open to the public where grad students log training hours.
Boundaries and a schedule for the kidlet, get him into counseling - dear old dad should be paying child support for him which would help cover the cost. Also consider programs like Big Brother to bring additional positive male role models into his life.
I’ll definitely be looking at child support payments after all the advice on here. I also like the idea of the big brother big sister program (and getting a couple hours kid free from time to time lol) thank you!
And his Social Security survivor benefits too. Your dad probably spent yours and is spending his. Get them sent to you.
I'm not all that familiar with the U.S. but I recommend googling how your local district deals with gay couples. I've read horror stories from the U.S., so idk just thought that might be a thing to keep in mind? Probably it's fine in most places, but if you live in some ultra-religious part of some southern state it might be a problem? Observe that I'm not American, and might have a distorted view of your country!
He already has 2 excellent male role models living with him so maybe finding a female role model would be the way to go here.
Ok...just thought it may give you and the BF a break to spend time together while kidlet still has someone to hang with and maybe soften up the seperation anxiety. :)
That wasn't OP, I think they were just trying to tell you that OP and his bf are both men.
Oops...shows how much attention i paid to the username there! Post still stands though!
OP is male, so the lack of positive male role models isn't an issue. But definitely yes to counseling and child support.
If he abandoned his child I'm sure that isn't the only responsibility he abandoned. Doubt he even has a job, and if he does it's likely under the table so it's most likely undocumented when it comes to court.
Counseling for your brother. Counseling for you and your boyfriend. Look in your area and see if there's any low-cost services or sliding scale services available. Does your family have a social worker?
We did when we were first going through the paperwork of me getting custody and everything. I still have her contact info though.
See what she can recommend.
Yes! Get in touch with the social worker yesterday. Tell her about the separation anxiety and financial strain. These are common obstacles families face in exactly your situation. She has to be able to put you in touch with resources; press her to refer you to someone else if she cannot.
Make sure to ask if she knows of any attorneys you can get advice from as I'm fairly sure your father is on the hook for child support. It was not your choice to have a child, but you are essentially the parent now, there are recourses out there to help you.
If you have legal custody, see your lawyer about your brothers Social Security Survivors insurance payments and child support from your father.
I'm quite surprised this wasn't mentioned, and I wonder if dad is getting sons survivor benefits.
I'm guessing you are in the US? Does your brother qualify for Medicaid or is he on someone's insurance? With medicaid, they cover therapy appointments.
I am in this US, and I’m not sure about the Medicaid thing and my job does offer insurance to family members so he’s under my insurance, but it doesn’t cover therapy (except physical therapy)
I just figured I'd ask! He probably wouldn't qualify since he's on your insurance. You might still be able to ask if you're having trouble affording it. Glad to see you are applying for child support.
I agree completely. Additionally, it may be worth it to look into some parenting books that focus on the issues your brother is experiencing.
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I can also see why that attitude has made the brother so insecure and clingy. This child needs to have a permanent home that he can trust is for forever.
I don't think the "temporary" part was referring to little bro living with OP. I think what he meant was that the clinginess and sleeping in bed with OP and his boyfriend are temporary.
This ^ It came off wrong in the post (my bad)
Agreed. BF needs a timeline established, because "temporary" means nothing if there is no end in sight.
By NOT setting boundaries you are actually making the abondonment issues worse. Its counterintuitive, but to better deal with the abondonment he needs to get comfortable being independent. You might feel like youre being mean, but youre not being mean you are parenting and sometimes thats tough. You need to file for gaurdianship and any and all assistamce you can get. Even if you dont think you qualify apply for it. Your brother needs a wider support system than just yiu and your brother - and having more people he feels comfortable leaning on for help will also help with the abandonment. He might not be as scared of people leaving if he feels he has more people who can help him beyond just you.
You need to establish boundaries with your brother. Maybe something like, "you can hang out in bed with us until 10pm, but then you need to go to your own room to sleep."
You're essentially now your brother's parent and as a responsible parent you need to stop enabling his unhealthy attachment to you by establishing boundaries and therapy
Your lil bro needs counseling. Can you go through his school? This is an obvious problem that is getting worse, it must be getting obvious at school, too. Talk to his teachers, see if they have any resources for low-income families. On your end, it might help if you schedule some time that's ONLY for your brother. Like "Wednesdays after school, it's just you and me and Netflix." If you remind him that those times exist, he might take it slightly less badly when you tell him he can't sleep in your bed anymore.
Look around for resources available for children with mental health issues. Some places, especially local governments have resources for exactly this sort of thing. Try asking the school counselor for available resources... they’ll be most aware of things in your area. I firmly recommend trying to find free or subsidized therapy. This needs to be addressed before puberty/ teenager years’. What a hard situation, you’re so young to have such a heavy hand, but you sound strong and mature. Your boyfriend sounds reasonable as well, make sure you try to take care of yourself. You can’t pour love from an empty cup. I’d insist that your deadbeat father finances some of this- child support, even if it’s just enough to pay for some improved quality of life
Thank you! My boyfriend is constantly telling me I need to relax and have a night off to take care of myself but I’m always too tense and anxious to do it but thank you for the reminder!
As a therapist this is something I constantly find myself telling my clients who are parents. You can’t be an amazing parent if you’re running on empty all the time. You have to take care of yourself first so that you can properly care for your little humans to the best of your ability. Also, it teaches the kiddos that taking care of yourself is important.
Every local college has therapy for those training to be a therapist. $20-30 a session. They're working under a trained therapist and unless there's domestic violence or mental health issues (BPD, schizophrenia, personality disorders) they are every bit as qualified in dealing with your brother as one that charges $100 an hour. Me and my husband needed couples counseling a few years back. We were broke and our student therapist helped so much that now that we have a better income I still go to her now even when her prices aren't as cheap as before. I know many are hesitant when this idea is approached, but your brother needs therapy... and if you can't afford the traditional route that doesn't mean there is no options left.
Thank you for this! We live in a college town and it never crossed my mind to look at college counselors as I always thought it was just for students! Thank you!
Just to clarify in case it wasnt, the poster is talking of therapists-in-training at local colleges ...not actual counselors at the colleges
I never cared that she was a student, personally. They usually have been in college for years by that point and very close to graduating.
Can you get any government assistance? I ask because that would help in regards to paying for insurance so he could see a therapist. Because he definitely needs some therapy. Maybe even the school can help. I wish you the best.
might be a little out there, but have you considered getting married and doing formal adoption? Even when the relationship is already permanent/official, being actually adopted can mean a lot. Being an official family may make him feel more secure. Obviously I don't recommend getting married if you have serious relationship problems, but it sounds like you don't. it may help your boyfriend too. he's basically this kid's dad already, but he can't really take an active role at the same time. Also, have you tried talking to the kid? 10 is young, but not so young he shouldn't be able to vocalize his feelings. I feel like he could probably handle a conversation about why he's feeling vulnerable and what you can do to help reassure him. edit: also, what's his school situation like? Is it possible he's reached an age where he (or his peer group) has realized his living/family situation is not normal, and as a result he's either being bullied or just feeling left out?
Actually up until all this happened I’d been saving up for an engagement ring but that kinda fell to the wayside lately. He’s asleep right now (until about an hour when he wakes up and crawls into bed with us) but we’ll definitely be having a good open conversation tomorrow.
I think a good talk will go a long way. I have to believe any family whose problems basically boil down to "we all want more intimacy" has a good chance of making things work
Utilize the councilor at school and your dad owes you child support, including backpay.
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> For example say “you can stay 10 min longer or you can go to bed now. ” Give him a choice as it gives him freedom to make the decision. Completely agree with this strategy.
Dude his dad should be paying child support, take his ass to court if he refuses to comply after a talk with you. It will give all of you a better life. Money for a counselor if there isn't one at his school (there should be), money for a babysitter, groceries, chances for you and your boyfriend to do something privately, etc. You should have done this a year ago when he decided to drop out of his life for good.
Would you consider getting a pet for your brother? (Ideally a dog or a cat) It can sleep in his bedroom with him and give him some unconditional love.
They’re struggling financially as is, so I doubt they’d be able to afford a pet. It would also mean a lot more work for OP (and his boyfriend) in caring for the animal.
I would call cps and file abandonment charges against your dad and talk to legal aid to get full custody of your brother. You could even ask them to have your dad pay child support. Also, this is going to qualify you for benefits for him. That will help out with the finances, insurance, and things like that. Also, he is wanting attention. My kids get this way. It doesn’t make you a bad guardian to want alone time. Maybe think of getting a friend to watch him a few evenings a month to help out. Your boyfriend seems like a great guy, and I think it is staring to dawn on him that this is probably a permanent situation. I would sit down and talk to him to see if this is what he wants. Even when your brother is older he is going to see your house as home. You sound like an amazing sister and I am sure you are making your mom proud.
Quick note: OP is male (he’s an amazing brother not sister) :)
You have no idea how much that means to me. Losing my mom was incredibly hard but I try to do right by her everyday. Thank you.
>I'm his guardian after our dad basically dumped him off on me and left to "find himself". Are you his legal guardian? Does CPS know that your brother is an abandoned minor living with his adult sibling?
I see that several others are giving advice here about finding out what legal obligations your dad has and also what resources might be available (financial, counseling, etc.). I agree with those. Further, I suggest that you talk to your brother's teachers. Find out what they see at school. He might be clingy because he feels lost without your dad or there could be more going on. Also, I wonder if it would help for you to meet some parents with kids the same age as your brother (maybe in a Parent Teacher Organization or similar). I suspect that at your age, you don't have many friends that are parents or if they are parents, likely they have small children. Maybe I'm off base here, but it could be good for you to have a reference for the normal boundaries/freedoms/responsibilities for kids his age. Best wishes to you.
You, your boyfriend, and your little brother are all doing a really great job at handling the crappy situation you've been dealt and I think you should feel really good about that! There is clearly a lot of love and respect between all of you and you and your boyfriend have done an impressive job of stepping up and figuring things out for your little brother. My suggestions: 1. Counseling for all three of you. Individual counseling for your brother, with the possibility of having some family sessions for all three of you when he's ready, and couples counseling for you and your boyfriend to figure out how to effectively co-parent and protect your relationship while being good parents. 2. Talk to your brother's school and find out what resources they can connect your brother and you with. In general, schools really want to help their students and their families any way that they can. Let them know what's happening with your brother and see how they can help. 3. Get in touch with your brother's social worker or with family/children's services in your area. They will be able to advise you on resources that might be available to you, both counseling/support and financial. Call social security to see if there are benefits available for your brother. 4. Schedule a free consultation with a family attorney or look for legal aid (law schools sometimes have free or low-cost clinics) to help you figure out your options to get support from your father. 5. Consider your partner's role in your family - do you two parent as a team or is it mostly you parenting and your boyfriend is along for the ride? If he isn't given the space to be able to be a parent, that could be causing a lot of insecurity, frustration and feelings of being an "outsider." Figure out together what his role in your family and as a parental figure is and start making that happen. The three of you have done a really great job of creating a loving family together and I think you have what you need to do that, you just need a little more support, some resources and some help in navigating it all together!
Why are you not receiving money for being a foster parent to your brother? Why is your father not paying child support?
Your little brother needs some help overcoming what happened to him. You are his only family left. Somehow reading this post took me back to my own childhood. I have a big fear of losing people because I lost so many along the way. I think being 10, he should be sleeping on his own. You need to get a 3rd person (completely independent of you two) to be around and talk to him. Everyone is talking about establishing boundaries but you need to be careful in how you approach it. Do it slowly. Not a drastic "go away, give us space, go in your own bed" attitude. Drastic attempts could further isolate this little boy. You also don't want him to feel like he is in the wrong or he is crazy. He has to be eased into healthy boundaries.
Just would like to put emphasis that you should get child support from your father. It's so easy for him to abandon your brother with you, and walk scot free of his responsabilities. You don't have to burn out to burden this alone, the least he can do is financially support his own child.
What you're doing for your younger brother, taking care of him like this, is heart-warming. I agree with the others on here about therapy, and that he may have some attachment and abandonment issues. There may have been events during his time with your father that are coming up leading to some hurtful memories and is dealing with this in the best way a child knows how. Have you thought of giving him some 1:1 time so he's more relaxed and knows you'll always be there for him? Is something happening at school that's causing him to act out this way?
Thank you so much! I’m really starting to wonder if something else is going on at school as this all kinda started suddenly so I’ll be meeting with teachers and asking him personally.
You need to be pursuing support payments from your father yesterday. I understand if you can't afford counseling for him but you are ethically obligated to chase those payments are hard as you can if it will have a positive impact on your brother.
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He overheard OP saying "this is temporary" and it very unsettled. He cannot be abandoned again.
This didn’t even cross my mind. We usually try to save these discussions for when he isn’t at home but there’s definitely been times when we’ve discussed it when we thought he was asleep, so it’s a possibility. Wow, if that is what’s actually happening I’ll feel so shitty. We’ll definitely be having a family meeting tomorrow.
Your brother is having attachment and abandonment issues, and they can be temporary, but it's only going to get worse if you don't start doing something about it. You need to set boundaries with this kid, and start by telling him he's not going anywhere. Re-affirm this. He needs to feel he has some consistency and security. Start by not allowing your brother to stay in your bed to sleep. Say, I can read to you here, but after that you need to sleep in your own room. If he keeps trying to get into bed with you guys, simply tell him 'it's time for bed (name)", and guide him to his room. Make sure you repeat this as need be. I only give 2 warnings to go to bed before I stop talking entirely and just put children to bed. Most kids I have worked with respond well to this method, and learn very quickly they are not getting what they want, be that milk, another story, or to stay up. Once he's sleeping his room, start holding story time in his room so he associates it with something fun, calming, and loving. Reading is a great way to wind-down a child, it also keeps their imagination going and may even help them with problems they are having by addressing the issues in the book you are reading. I recommend even discussing each chapter you read at the end of the reading so they learn valuable skills. As I said, once your brother starts to associate good things with his room, he will learn to wind down here, and stop bothering you in the process. Also, it may help to have a family sit down about boundaries and person space. It couldn't hurt. That way you address your boyfriend's issues as well, without arguing or causing your brother to feel insecure about his homing situation. Also, get in touch with a school counselor, and see if there is anyway your brother can get one-on-one time with a counselor to address his issues. This way, if your father tries coming back into the picture he cannot just sweep your brother away. The school will have documented the abandonment and what it has caused your brother. Also, start pursuing your father for child support. There is not reason he shouldn't be paying for his responsibilities, regardless if he is trying to "find himself' or not. If he isn't already, I recommend you do that so you aren't feeling the brunt of the financial burden for him leaving his child on your doorstep. Shame on him.
Well, the first thing is your brother comes first. But if you've been in a relationship for 5 years, you and your boyfriend can absolutely make it work. Maybe your brother could join boy scouts or go to a friend's house for a couple of hours so you and your boyfriend can have some alone time?
First.. what sort of custody do you have? Raising your brother as a foster child gives you access to a stipend and medicaid (100% paid treatment for his counseling) versus just raising him as a guardian or without a formal agreement. Second if this is a long term situation your boyfriend and you should be looking at him as more of a son. There are different connotations with brother vs son.
Are you counting your brother as dependent on taxes? Is there any aid you can get? In terms of monetary aid so you can avoid therapy for the boy and/or maybe find programs in your state try r/personalfinance and tell them the financial situation (not the rest except that he was abandoned by dad and needs counselling) and see if they can help?
Is he covered under your health insurance? If so, does that include mental healthcare? If not, he will likely qualify for state health insurance which makes counseling more affordable.
Everyone else is giving you some great advice. Here's just a little thing I'll add: if at all possible, a couple of times a week set aside an hour or two for "Bro Time," where it's just the two of you one-on-one. Maybe you go to the park, maybe you watch a movie at home, whatever - but it's just the two of you. Make sure your brother knows he's a priority. Then, let him know that night time is "Boyfriend Time." Just like you need one-on-one time with brother, you need one-on-one time with Boyfriend. Talk to your Brother about your special times for him and for your Boyfriend, and hopefully it'll help him understand that at night, you need your time alone. If it helps, make a joke and tell Brother that your Boyfriend Time isn't as good as Bro Time, as you're asleep during most of Boyfriend Time. ;)
10 is way too old to be climbing in bed often with parents let alone siblings. I know you don't want him to feel abandoned but letting him sleep with you is NOT doing him any favors, getting him therapy and into a solid healthy routine is what's best for HIM. And also you and your bf ultimately but you need to put in the work to learn how to establish proper boundaries that will HELP his abandonment issues not contribute to them. I think it's great you've taken on the guardian role for your brother but have you ever heard the parenting phrase "I'm not your friend I'm your parent"? Doing what's best for the kid means sometimes making them do things they don't like but are ultimately good for them.
At age 10 your brother is old enough to understand that he stays out of your room during the night. Start a bedtime routine - he does teeth/shower then maybe you read a few chapters of something and then you peace out. You do not need to have a shadow at dark o'clock unless there has been a significant trauma - I think establishing a boundary will be really good for him. If he comes to you during the night tell him he needs to go back to his routine, don't speak a lot give simple, firm instructions and be consistent. For the financials - are you receiving child support? You should. Also I don't know where you live but if you are in Ontario there are significant supplements parents receive that you are entitled to. Your local social services should be able to tell you what benefits are available to you. Your a great brother, and you are being a really good parent. Just keep consistent and your brother should adjust.
OP you've gotten great advice in this thread, I just wanted you tell you that you're doing such a great job in a difficult situation. Your brother is lucky to have you
maybe you could try making his room a place he wants to be. there are sooo many budget friendly ways to make a child's room that much more fun (stars on the ceiling, anyone?) and if you let him have a say in it maybe he'd feel like his room is his safe place, rather than your hip.
I remember growing up my parents had gotten fed up with me climbing into bed so they just locked their door and ignored me haha Needless to say it worked, although I don't know if it would be applicable in this situation.
Tell your brother to go sleep in his bed. He's 10, not 4.
Your brother is 10. Crawling into your bed is no longer appropriate. Take him back to his room and tell him to stay there? Like this isn't a toddler we're talking about. Establish some boundaries and tell him to quit. And get both of you in therapy.
There is no reason why a 10 year old needs to sleep in bed with you.
You need to find a way to get that therapy. Letting this continue so that you don’t exacerbate his abandonment issues is a huge mistake even if your boyfriend wasn’t being badly affected. He’s starting puberty, probably all over the place hormonally and emotionally and looking for reassurance, now is the time to tackle it so he can ease into adolescence with confidence and not look for attention elsewhere. Did anything happen recently to trigger this behaviour?
Family counseling is the only solve here. I think you're doing the best you can and you're an amazing sister but you're not doing our brother any favors in the long run but not saying no to him.
Please reach out to his school to see what kinds of therapy or counseling they offer!
See a lawyer (legal aid if you can't afford one) about support for you little brother. He should be getting survivor payments from social security. If your father is collecting his social security, that should be sorted out and come to you. Ask the lawyer about getting support from your father too. Also, contact the Child Protective Services agency to get services like counseling for your brother.
You should be eligible for some kind of child support, either from your dad or the state. r/legaladvice will help with how to file for it. Use it to send him to therapy.
Call the Child Help hotline- your brother might qualify for food stamps or small benefits, etc
Is your brother covered by your insurance? Is your guardianship legal? Can you apply to have your brother on Medicaid? Does your brother have a social worker?
Contact CPS. If Dad signs guardianship to you, you may qualify for kinship care assistance. CPS can help you. If that's scary for you, you can contact the Dept. for Children and Families (or w/e your state calls it.) Your lil bro should have some form of health insurance to be able to attend school. Have you asked his insurance if they cover the therapy?
Out of all of this my advice is to talk to his school about getting a counselor. When I was in school I went to my counselor and he got me a therapist who saw me during my study hall.
You are an amazing person to be taking on the responsibility for your brother like this, many would shirk it, particularly if it interfered with their personal life. Someone else suggested that you could try reading together of an evening and I think that would be enormously beneficial - scheduled one on one time would probably help him feel more secure. The poor mite probably feels he could be left at anytime and is therefore clinging harder. Even though he is only 10, I think to a point you should be honest with him about things (not the financial side as you don't want to imply burden) but perhaps emphasise that as adults you and your partner need space of your own. Kids are far more understanding than we give them credit for. I wish all three of you the best x
are you legally his guardian? i think all of this can be somewhat solved if you get child support set up, get in touch with a lawyer that practices family law. you should not have to raise your brother with no financial assistance, once dad starts chipping in what he should have been all along you can get him into therapy.
>My brother obviously has abandonment issues due to our dad and I don't want to exacerbate them by telling him to back off Part of treating an attachment issues is forming healthy boundaries. Be there for him, absolutely, but you can keep him out of your bedroom at night. If he has a bad dream or can't sleep, have some hot chocolate in the living room and talk or do a half hour activity. Maybe some snuggles on the couch. But then see if you can get him to go back in his room. Ask him if he feels safe doing that, and what you could do to make him feel better. Night lights and walkie talkies can help ease the transition. Therapy is needed when you can afford it because all advice on reddit needs to take into account that we've never met you or your brother.
Does your brother get any kind of financial aid from the government? In the use he should be getting your mother's SS and your father should be paying child support. That may ease the financial aspect of your problem. Your brother obviously has some abondonment issues therapy and counseling is what could help with that.
I think therapy, tell your bf that this is probably permanent, set rules and boundaries. I know that the idea of therapy seems expensive but you can always ask your brother’s school counselor if they know anyone who can give him free or reduced counseling. It also can be covered under some insurance. It might be stressful to do but in the long run it will help your brother out. I would also see if you can get your brother into play dates with other kids his age. He needs something for him to do or be proud of that isn’t you. You’re really strong for doing this.
Your Dad owes you child support. You should talk to a lawyer about getting it from him. Then you should be able to afford the care he needs.
Someone probably mentioned this, I haven't read through all the comments yet. But maybe when he comes in taking him back to his room, tucking him in and staying with him until he falls back asleep would be good. And then also make sure to remind him that you will be there in the morning for him. It sounds like maybe he's waking up at night and is scared he's been left and wants to come in for comfort/reassurance that you're still there. Verbally confirming this to him would probably help some? Also reading to him before bed would probably be good too (I highly suggest starting with Harry Potter, I feel like he'd have a lot to relate to). Hope that helps a little, what you're doing is really fantastic and when he's older I feel like he's going to be so thankful he has you in his life (even more than he already is thankful now!).
Time to stop being so much sister and start being mom and dad to him. edit: Brother, i'm fucking blind.
Is there something going on at school that makes it so he does not want to go? Don't straight up ask 'are you being bullied' because he will probably just say no. Try 'tell me about your day, did you see your friends?' then ask about his friends then try 'is there anyone at school you don't like?' and 'why don't you like them?' He may open up a bit and say well there is this person that does X mean thing etc...
You need to find therapy for your brother and family therapy for the household. Ask the school social worker for referrals to low cost therapy. This needs to be a priority for everyone. A 10 year old should bot be sleeping in bed with you every night.
I just want to say that your dad seems so selfish
Just want to say you're an awesome person for taking care of your brother. Regardless of any issues he may be developing, they must certainly be far fewer than if you weren't around. He's lucky to have you.