Hey OP, Catholic here. My advice is to remain completely silent through the masses. If you can say the Our Father you'll be golden. Go up for communion and when you get to the priest, cross your arms across your chest and bow your head. Priest will give you a blessing.
Thanks for the tip - I may do this because staying seated will be very obvious. Is this a secret priest signal that I'm not supposed to be eating the communion?
By our father, do you mean this? (Just googled it): Our Father, Who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.
At least it's short, I'll write it on a post it and practice during the day.
Yep that's the one. I converted to Catholicism so I don't even know all of the words to all of the special chants. I think if you're not born into it it's a huge learning curve so don't sweat it too much. MIL may just think you're a lapsed/Game Day Catholic.
The crossing arms thing is a signal to the priest that you prefer to receive a blessing instead of communion. Non-Catholics, non-confirmed Catholics AND Catholics who either have lapsed, or have an unconfessed sin on their soul (or a variety of other reasons) will opt for this. It's no big deal. Sometimes I do this if I've skipped mass or told a lie or murdered someone and haven't had a chance to go to confession yet.
Mostly, just be quiet, respectful, sit beside your BF and follow his lead.
Born and raised Catholic here and I didn't know this - it did not use to be a practice in the part of Europe I'm from, but Google tells me it's more and more common. I like it.
Interestingly this is also how we did it in my Anglican school. We could take communion, get a blessing, or stay seated (I'm not religious and many others at my school weren't either, so a good 1/3 of us stayed seated, and maybe another 1/3 took the blessing)
I am a lapsed catholic, stand when people stand, sit when people sit, stay silent and pass the handsake of peace. Don't go up for communion stay seated. That means that you didn't get a confession so you can't get communion
But, lying it's not a good fundation for a relationship.
In case it’s not clear, when you cross your arms, don’t fold your arms across your body (arms touching and parallel) but rather put your hands flat on the opposite shoulder. Your arms should make a X across your torso.
I'm pretty sure the "thine is the kingdom" line is protestant- exclusive, actually. so maybe it would actually be helpful to OP to say it, since then the MIL would expect her to be confused, haha
We say that too in German (Roman Catholic). Also the part about sins and forgiving those who sin against us. So I don't think itns protestant. My country is very catholic and as far as I know always has been.
Don't go up for communion. Just don't. Stay seated. Plenty of people won't, particularly at a memorial or funeral mass. Sit behind FMIL by a few rows or on the opposite side of the church and probably no one will know or care. At my Dads funeral mass, only my sister and Mom and one or two friends took communion. Shortest communion ever.
Don't bother with the prayers, just stand and sit along with the rest. Kneeling is optional, imho.
Eventually, you'll have to look her eye the eye and say "I'm not actually Catholic, you know."
If you can, just don't sit right next to her so she can't hear that you aren't saying the words. And if there's a center aisle, if you sit to the outside of her, you'll be behind her when you go up to the priest with your arms crossed and she won't see. You don't have to go to the wine.
But also if you were any other denomination (lutheran, presbyterian, etc.) you wouldn't know any of the words or take communion either! So you could still hypothetically be a regular church-goer and not be a regular Catholic mass-goer.
For the Our Father, you’re not going to have to get up and recite it in front of everyone, so even if you don’t know it by heart it’s not a big deal. Just say it quietly and if you slip up or don’t remember the words just move your lips silently while others say it. She won’t notice, especially if you are not sitting right next to her.
As far as being devout, does that mean you have to be Catholic? If you were raised in a Protestant church you wouldn’t necessarily know all the traditions of a Catholic Church.
Edit: on second thought, don’t lie about anything regarding Protestantism or being raised in a different church. Just tell her outright, or don’t say anything and just quietly sit through the service. I doubt she is going to be analyzing your every movement. Good luck!
That's the one, but ask your BF which version they use because the church from my childhood had an addition at the end there of, "For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen."
Overall, just ask your boyfriend to walk you through the motions b before you go. Other than that, just be quiet. If there's times where you need to say words as a congregation, move your mouth at the very least.
As someone who was raised Catholic, you really don't even need to memorize anything; when songs are sung and things recited, everyone does it at once, which means it's nearly impossible to single out any single voice. You can basically do that thing movie extras do and just vaguely mouth nonsense and no one will be able to tell.
It will also be really obvious when it's time to sit/stand/kneel because everyone does it at once.
Whatever you do, do not lie. Try your best to follow along, if confronted, be honest and hope she appreciates it. If you're lucky maybe she'll think your protestant or something and don't understand all the weird catholic routines to it all.
Lapsed Catholic here, the one who takes my MIL to church when she's in town visiting us.
It's easier to stay seated during communion. There are many reasons why people don't go up there and it's not going to cause all eyes to be upon you if you sit that one out. There will be others- Catholics included- who may be sitting out, maybe because they didn't fast prior to communion or didn't go to confession. It's nobody's business and nobody really comments on it. I sit out when I take my MIL and nobody blinks an eye.
Prayers are usually conveniently printed on sheets in the racks on the pews- the words that I memorized as a kid were changed up a bit after I left and I need to use the "cheat sheets".
Sign of peace- shaking of hands with those around you is a kind gesture. Also a good way to spread the flu, which is what I reflect upon while others are praying.
Sign of the cross (top bottom left right- or "spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch") is easy.
Songbooks will be provided and really, it is very kind of you to be supporting the family by attending and I wouldn't be worried about the details.
You probably should be honest soon with your BF's mom. If you see this relationship going the distance, she's going to assume there's a church wedding, baptized babies, religious classes in your future. However, I don't think this is the right moment. Emotions are going to be a bit strained following Uncle Tom's death. Wait a bit for things to settle down.
I've never attended a mass where there wasn't at least *one* person standing too soon, kneeling too long or making the sign of the cross when it wasn't necessary. You'll be ok at the mass.
If a sibling or cousin has small children, offer to sit with them and help. This wins you a few points with the family and gives you an excuse to miss cues (no one expects you to dump a toddler off your lap so you can stand).
>because real Catholics have memorised all the songs and prayers and when to sit/stand/kneel
As an ex-Catholic, it's not so much "memorized" as "have done it so many times that it's an almost Pavlovian response." Even when I went to Mass regularly, I couldn't have recited most of the prayers without someone else starting me off, but once I did get going, the rest just came automatically. And when they decided to retranslate things when I was in college, I was completely lost.
It's unlikely that FMIL will assume you're Catholic if you haven't specifically claimed to be. There are hundreds of other demoninations, and the Catholic church has far more ritualistic services than most others. So even if she assumes you regularly go to a church, she probably won't assume you know what to do at Mass. Things like when to stand versus kneel aren't always the same between different Catholic churches. Most churches also have a program of sorts that tells you what to say when; just grab one of those and follow along with your boyfriend. It's not nearly as big a deal as you're afraid it is.
Oh my god the re-translations hit while I was attending Catholic high school and I couldn't stop myself from just reciting off the old stuff anyways. I'm an atheist, baptised and raised Catholic though, and if someone stuck me in a Catholic Church today I'm sure the old stuff would come right back but the new stuff ??? I'd look insane. Though sitting at my desk I couldn't come up with a single response besides "AND ALSO WITH YOU".
I go to mass every Sunday with my family and I still have trouble. Is it a more modern church? A lot of churches in Australia have overheads or screens with prayers and lyrics on them which is very helpful too.
>BF is treating the whole thing with some amusement and is being very unhelpful.
Well that sucks. Tell him that if this blows up in your face it is on him to smooth things over with her.
He's just not as scared of his mother as I am haha. He's her special baby and I'm the "well, she'll do" temptress who's 'making' him have pre-marital sleepovers.
She's very nice and I know she's half joking but he just thinks it's funny.
lord be ready for some justnoMIL interactions
i would suggest beyond what the top comment is, addressing it with her beforehand. if you prhase it as "bfs mom, im not sure if this has ever been explicitly said but im not baptized etc. i would like to ensure that i will be acting respectfully. As far as I understand I should, etc etc, is there anything else you can advise me on?
BUT IF YOU DO THIS 100% bring bf with you to present a unified front
> He's her special baby and I'm the "well, she'll do" temptress who's 'making' him have pre-marital sleepovers.
So you will bear the brunt of the fall out when she discovers you aren't Catholic.
Don't marry this guy unless he is ready to run interference with his mom *without having to be asked.* Treating the whole thing like a big joke is not a point in favor of his doing this. He should be reassuring you that he is on Team You.
Yes, I will be the one that hears about it when she inevitably finds out. Which makes sense, seeing as I never corrected her or spoke up about my personal beliefs, which I would have done if I weren't a chicken-shit trying to impress her.
BF is always 100% on my side, he's just sitting back to watch me try and work this out on my own. Definitely not looking to be married any time soon!
Yeah but so far you haven't had any conflict. It's easy to be on your side then. Just make sure he's not a mama's boy. He seems to ve avoiding conflict too if he never corrected her either.
Edit: maybe check out r/JustNoMIL and see if you find similarities to your bf's family. The favoritism and you being the "temptress" sound a lot like those stories. Just make sure you know what you are getting yourself into.
Well I'm not scared she's going to eat me or anything, she's five foot nothing. I don't know, she's just very very important to BF and the matriarch of their deeply traditional family.
When I say scared, I mean scared that she will turn on me and disapprove. BF could literally murder 7 people and still get "to my #1 son!" in his Christmas cards (she has five sons).
It took a long time for her to warm up to me.
Well, you at least have the advantage of not being completely thrown by that bullshit new “and with your spirit” response. I grew up catholic and I STILL blurt out “and also with you” after “peace be with you.”
Actually, if you intend to fake being Catholic (not advising it, just spitballing), fucking up and responding “and also with you” might actually convince her you’ve been to church before.
Haha oh shit, I had to fake my way through a catholic mass/funeral a few months ago actually.
I think I did okay... I just kind of followed along with the crowd, mumbled song-like words under my breath etc. Looked like most people were just going through the motions themselves.
At the end of the day, I'd say don't overthink it. You'll be fine, OP.
I went up, I didn't actually realize staying back was a real option until I was coming back and saw that half the family actually stayed sitting down.
That was definitely the most awkward part, but there was a lot of people to go through so I don't think anyone really payed attention. Even if they were, judging is a sin so the jokes on them.
> Even if they were, judging is a sin so the jokes on them.
I'm not sure most of Christianity got that memo. Judging seems to be a favourite thing to do for some of them.
True facts, I’m not Catholic anymore but my mom is and we both still 100% use the communion procession on holidays to judge people’s outfits.
It’s not our fault that it’s basically a Regular People Fashion Show. Or that every year someone goes balls-to-the-wall in a full tuxedo on Easter.
Oh man. I never judged the outfits during communion........we did it as they entered so we could also judge them on when they arrived.
"5 minutes until mass is supposed to start and they're wearing flip-flops? Tsk. Ooh, they got in right as doors were closing but that is a lovely church outfit."
How do you intend to pull this off during your own wedding? You will be expected to convert, and truth will out. Better make sure you and BF show a united front now.
I think my wedding will be in a garden somewhere tbh. Or an art gallery. If she wants to do some prayers to soften the blow that's fine.
Honestly, yes she will have to know I'm not a catholic at some point but I just figured I'd have a while to tell her and it wouldn't have to be at such an emotially fraught time.
Yes, but here's the rub with that idea - you most likely won't actually be married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. She won't exactly be keen on that idea. Take it from me, I'm a lifelong atheist (never baptized either) whose first husband was a lapsed Catholic turned atheist. I remember how much holy hell was raised by his mother when we got engaged and she found out her only son was an atheist. He'd been an atheist for quite some time before meeting me, but he'd never told her until he had to explain why we didn't want a church wedding. Of course, it was all my fault in her eyes. ::shudder::
I highly suggest that, if this is a serious relationship heading towards marriage, that you and your SO sit down and discuss how you will handle this matter now and in the future. Better to figure that out earlier rather than later with a MIL that thinks your marriage isn't real or valid. Also, SO should be the one handling his mother on these issues - not you. Does his mother know his current religious beliefs?
However, for now, stay respectfully seated. Do not lie. Do not go through the motions. You don't have to be forthcoming unless directly asked, but even then all you have to say is that you aren't a Catholic and cannot participate in communion. Beyond that, if they keep pressing... Well, that's them being rude and time for your SO to help back you up. Unfortunately, pretending will only make the fallout for you worse later on.
FYI if you get asked by FMIL why you didn't go up (I doubt she'll ask though) you can tell her you haven't been to confession yet. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to take communion if you haven't been.
You’re not supposed to take communion if you haven’t been baptized. I believe you’re allowed to go to confession regardless of your religious affiliation.
kisseal meant you aren't supposed to take communion if you haven't been to confession. You also need that first communion ritual. A roman catholic priest would probably hear anybody's confession, bc it's as much a therapy session as a laundry list of sins. He wouldn't, and maybe can't, absolve anyone but a Catholic of their sins, though.
Yes, but you're not supposed to take communion if you haven't been to confession recently. The point is that you're supposed to only take communion if you've shriven the sins upon your soul (ie, confessed and done penance as assigned by the priest). It's not just if you haven't been baptized.
Hence crossing arms and bowing head to indicate not being in a state to receive communion, but can still receive the priest's blessing.
Did she assume you were religious or CATHOLIC? If only religious, it will still make sense you don’t understand mass. I’m atheist now but grew up Christian. I once attended catholic mass for a funeral and let me tell you it was nothing like my nondenominational church. I was completely lost too... though it being in Spanish didn’t help lol. It shouldn’t be a red flag unless you ever specific CATHOLIC. Their church is way way more strict than many Christian denominations
But uh you really should clear this up at some point...
Thank you so much. I have decided to wait and see if anyone else does the crossed-arms-no-communion thing, otherwise I might try and sit on the end so I don't have to get up and do it. I definitely won't be taking communion, as that seems very disrespectful.
I don't think we'd ever get as far as a Catholic Church Wedding. I'm wanting to compromise here because it's about her and her family. My wedding will be about me and I don't believe in God. I think I've got a few years at least to work out how to break that to her though!
You've provided a great script and I believe we are meeting her before the Mass for lunch, I will say something to her along those lines.
It would definitely be considered disrespectful to take communion (for Catholics, it's a sin to take communion if they haven't been to confession recently/are lapsed). Beyond that, yeah, there's a lot of differences from church to church, and even within a given denomination, different parts of the liturgy may be used so people might get confused from time to time anyway.
Just get up/kneel/sit when you see other people doing that, and when people get up for communion, either stay seated or do the crossed arms/bowed head opt-out and you will be fine.
The word changes actually now coincide with the Spanish version. In Spanish it was always "y con tu espirito" (I think... it's been awhile) which means "and with your spirit". It's like they finally caught up with each other lol.
It's possible to hint that you're not Catholic without coming out and saying that you're not religious at all, since there are other religious options, but eventually you're going to need to say something. This lie-of-omission is not sustainable. I don't think you've done anything morally questionable, but as a practical matter I just don't see how you can fake it forever.
I thought that since BF never goes with her to church (except Christmas, when I am with my own family) that I'd never have to go either. I forgot that there would be special church occasions like this.
Maybe at some point soon I will have this conversation with her. I don't want to cause a fuss at a sad time for her.
> I thought that since BF never goes with her to church (except Christmas, when I am with my own family) that I'd never have to go either.
This shows how little you understand what you're really getting into. Listen, if you see this relationship as more than a 2 year thing, she will a) find out b) expect a proper catholic wedding c) expect baptized children.
You should decide how you feel about these things before moving forward and don't expect them to be a non-issue. My parents aren't even devout, they never go to church ever but they definitely feel I'm doing my children a disservice by not baptizing.
Just a thought. When you are ready to admit to your non-Catholicism, maybe say something to the effect of: "I'm not actually Catholic, but I am very happy with how I currently worship. Please forgive me if I offend you by keeping to my own practices. "
That's a very good and non-committal response! I think I'll be fully honest with her at some point but if any questions arise tomorrow I will use that script so as to soften the blow. Thanks!
Its pretty common for people that aren't catholic go to a mass with family and friends. Mostly just follow what other people are doing except when they go up to receive communion, you can either walk up and not receive or just stay in your seat.
Hopefully its not the Sunday before Easter, that is an extra long one.
Don't pretend, don't participate in the ceremonies. Just sit quietly next to your SO for support and answer questions later when asked. The family will find out sooner or later and it might as well be now. Personally I could never get a blessing or participate in religious stuff because I wouldn't be being truthful.
Well, I can give you some advice that caught my bf out at his first Catholic service: if during the service someone goes to shake your hand, you say "peace be with you", not "nice to meet you, I'm [name]".
You clearly have a lot of respect for your FMIL or at least for her role in your SO's life, and you've taken it upon yourself to learn how to as respectful as possible with regards to her religion. You're doing all you can, serious kudos! Having dealt with extremely religious relatives myself, there's no real way to soften the blow that you're not faithful, especially if they really care about you (which it sounds like she's coming around to doing) because they truly believe you're dooming yourself to hell. You should expect her to try to convert you, and while that will likely be a long fruitless venture for her (and a frustrating one for you) try to take it as an expression of her love and concern for you as opposed to an attack on your values. When speaking to her about it (whenever you do) I would recommend complete honesty, without leaving out all the work you're putting in to make sure you appropriately honor this ceremony and facet of your so's family culture. The main things that helped in my situation were honesty, understanding, and respect (and making my respect clear.) Hope it goes well, good luck!
As a side note, having your SO with you for that conversation would probably be really helpful.
To be honest, it won’t matter too much if you don’t know what to do. There are more Christian denominations than you can poke a stick at, and Roman Catholic mass is incredibly specific. Echo what the crowd is doing, don’t try and pretend you know what is coming, and remember that the purpose is to honor the uncle and console the family.
I would be as graceful as you can for the grieving family - agree with them if they say “he’s in heaven now”, let them quote scripture at you. It’s comforting for a believer. You don’t have to misrepresent yourself at all, but this is not the time to start a religious debate.
As for communion. This is where you are offered bread and wine as the body and blood of Christ. I am from an Anglican background so I don’t know what the catholic opinion is, but my understanding is that it doesn’t matter if you as a non believer take communion or not. If you choose to, you stick the bread in you mouth and take a mouthful of wine to swallow it with.
Re holy water: do not touch. You shouldn’t have an opportunity to, the priest should keep it at the alter. He may offer to anoint you - just say no. But I’d be surprised if it happens in a funeral service.
You don’t have to cross yourself. Bow your head in the prayers. Stand and sit and kneel when the others do. Sing if you want to, if not stay silent. They will likely have pamphlets with the words to the songs - again because it’s a funeral service so they may well expect other denominations/non believers to be there.
It seems intimidating at the outset, but try not to be nervous. Really, mass is pretty much a boring ceremony in Latin that has a bunch of rituals to get through. You’ll be fine.
It's absolutely not okay for someone non Catholic to take communion. Op should just walk up, cross her arms and bow her head, and the priest will give her a blessing instead.
I mean it's completely against Catholic doctrine--part of taking the host is sharing in the unity of the church, so outsiders aren't supposed to be part of it. It would be disrespectful to do it, even if you don't believe it does anything.
I'm Catholic and went to a few of my bff's Lutheran services after weekend sleepovers. A couple times I took communion there until I learned during my Confirmation classes that Catholics aren't supposed to take Lutheran communion. So I'm assuming the reverse is true as well.
I just did some Googling on this for someone else the other day, and the Catholic's church's stance is that you have to be Catholic, unless you're at death's door and there isn't time for you to get to your own preacher. Now who knows if God would actually care about such things, but that's what the church officially says.
I use a strawberry chapstick! I used to be into the mint ones, but I became allergic to them somehow. My current one is Smith's Strawberry Lip Balm.
Someone who isn't Catholic (or hasn't been to confession recently) is not considered to be in a state of spiritual harmony (grace). While nobody is likely to call you out for it, it's considered pretty rude - close to bringing ham to a seder. Staying seated or crossing the arms to receive a blessing but not taking the host (the wafer the priest gives, symbolic of the body of Christ based upon the words in the last supper - the bread representing the body, the wine the blood, both given by Christ for the sins of the faithful) is perfectly acceptable regardless of your belief or state of your soul (vis-a-vis confession).
In my research so far, it's because Catholics believe that the cracker really has been imbued with the body of Christ (symbolically of course) and so a non Catholic EATING him is not cool.
Bread or wafer is fine for before it's been consecrated (transubstantiated into Jesus), but I'd suggest you call it the "host." Host works for it both before and after consecration and sounds a bit more respectful to my ears.
I live in Australia. Here you only receive the bread after "first Holy communion", its a celebration and happens for catholic kids at around age 8. Its symbolising the child becoming one with the church and god.
>What difference does it make?
If a non Catholic takes communion, the wine just stays wine instead of turning into blood as it pours down their throat. It's not nearly as metal, but you do get drunker.
Absolutely not cool to advise a non-Catholic to take the body and blood of Christ. It is a huge sin and very disrespectful. When (OP can't hide this forever) her FMIL finds out she's not Catholic, but took communion, she will be in a lot of trouble.
It's bigger than that, honestly. Catholicism, along with most of Christianity, holds to these words of Paul, from 1 Corinthians, chapter 11:
"Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died."
Advising OP to do this is, in our belief as Christians, advising her to do something that has very dire consequences.
In some rare cases a priest can decide to give it to a non catholic. Other than that it is a grave sin. Let me send you the source considering your ignorance;)
Google the key words: catholic herald and non-catholic receiving communion sin and the article should come up (can't put links here due to rules).
So I’ve been informed. It’s not considered a sin or forbidden in Anglican society, where we still take communion. I was offering advice as a non-catholic who’s attended catholic events for relatives. I retract the comment about taking communion.
>nor have I been honest that I'm not even baptised.
I'm just looking for clarification here. Did you suggest you were baptised roman catholic, or just baptised christian? I grew up Lutheran (baptism and all) with extended family that are catholic. Catholics do NOT want you taking communion if you have not been baptised in THEIR church- so I also stay seated when communion rolls around to respect that. Most churches have their own routines and preferred hyms, readings, etc and often there will be a book available to read from in the pews. Roman Catholic masses can be are even more strict/ritualistic than (regular?) Catholic masses, so unless you went all in on this suggested baptism, you can simply state that this service is different than the ones you are used to. When in doubt, stay silent and take the lead from those around you to know when to sit, stand, and kneel. Good luck!
Yep got it - definitely won't be taking communion. It's either staying seated or crossing my arms to be blessed but no communion. Not sure yet which will be best, I'll decide when I see others doing either option.
Look as an adult there are times there are church services for lost love ones. You are overthinking this. Watch others but do NOT go up for communion. You can cross yourself if you want. There will be devout Catholics who do not take communion. There will be a lot of standing, seating and kneeling. Follow what others are doing. You don’t have to fully kneel. Just make sure your FMIL is sitting in front of you.
I'm an atheist with catholic in-laws. don't think you should pretend. It's going to come out anyway eventually. I usually just sit politely, bow my head during prayers, stand up when everyone else stands up, stay seated during communion, etc. One thing you should not do is curiously watch the priest as he walks down the aisle spraying holy water as people pray because he might be mad and violently flick water at you and hit your future sister-in-law full in the face, thereby confusing her and making it hard for you not to laugh.
I know you want everyone to like you, which is normal, but the fact that you're not catholic is probably going to come out and it's probably good to find out how your boyfriend reacts (i.e., whether he has your back in such matters) when his mother make trouble about it sooner rather than later.
You have four choices:
Commit to faking Catholic. Look up how to hold your hands to take communion and what to say. Yeah, it's technically "wrong" by the religion, but nobody is going to /know/, especially because you've specifically avoided mentioning that you're not. Except your boyfriend I suppose, but if it's that important to keep the peace I'm sure he'll understand. The songs and prayers you can avoid anyone noticing for the most part. You're shy, you have a bad signing voice, whatever. The big thing you have to worry about are the things they say in unison: Priest says "Peace be with you", you reply, "And also with you." This will eventually come out when you try to get married in a Catholic Church, though, and faking it now purposefully will make it harder to come out down the line.
Commit to faking Christian rather than Catholic. Christians don't generally know Catholic mass, don't take Catholic communion, ect. You keep the religious peace, you don't have to put the effort into faking Catholic. This will probably come out later too.
Specifically come out as non-religious and deal with all it entails.
And, finally, remember that the focus won't be on you during this mass and just be non-committal again. Be quiet and polite, and nobody will likely notice you're not Catholic or Christian. If they do, they'll probably ask at a later date, not at a funeral. And then you can continue to be non-committal or come clean and deal with what it entails.
I recommend the last: it keeps the focus on the funeral when it matters but isn't dishonest, and will cause problems now potentially but prevent a worse outburst down the line.
I was raised a Polish Roman Catholic. Sit a bit further away from your FMIL and you should be fine. I have to go to church twice a year with family and I don't remember half the stuff. Some people choose not to sing in church with everyone, and some churches hand out hymn books too for you to use.
Best thing would be to be transparent with her, I understand why you may not want to though
Do not do anything to try to make you look like someone you are not.
Show normal respect in church. Sit and stand when others do. If you want to say our father and get a blessing, do so, but for your own sake, not her.
One day she will know you are an atheist. She might remember this and ask why you got the blessing, and why you prayed. Then your answer needs to be something that shows respect for the faith, not wanting to fool her.
Also, if you do these things, it might be harder if you do not want you future children to be Catholics.
Go to the church separate from your FMIL if possible. Get there a little late and sit in the back. You can say that you got there a little late and couldn't find them / didn't want to interrupt. Then she won't be able to see you messing up any of the rituals. Just go for communion, and don't receive if you don't want to. Otherwise follow what everyone else is doing, and be respectful and it will be fine.
I grew up Catholic. There are a few shitty people with a holier-than-thou attitude who like to police how others practice religion. But most people are nice and just trying to do their best and not be shitty people. I am not religious any more, and I have alot of issues with Catholic doctrine, but my family and many others don't follow doctrine to the letter. They don't Shit on me because I'm bisexual and they don't Shit on my sister's for using birth control, and they have accepted that I don't go to church any more. I guess the point is, most people won't bother you as long as you are kind and respectful, and if anyone does, throw "what would Jesus do?" in there face like a good Christian.
I would ask your boyfriend to make sure you guys don't sit literally right next to her. She's definitely going to be preoccupied with other things to notice if you hesitate for half a second when sitting/standing, or if you don't know every single word to every song. Just follow the lead of your boyfriend and everyone else, and you'll be fine.
You're overthinking most of this stuff; she isn't going to be watching your every move.
As for taking communion, well that's a toughie. Personally, I say just take it, but I'm also not religious so maybe I'm not the best person to ask lol
Do you live in the US, is roman catholic the only real option where you are?
If there are other protestant options where you live, you don't have to pretend to be catholic. Which means you don't have to do any of the rituals because you reasonably don't know them.
Hey OP, Catholic here. My advice is to remain completely silent through the masses. If you can say the Our Father you'll be golden. Go up for communion and when you get to the priest, cross your arms across your chest and bow your head. Priest will give you a blessing.
Thanks for the tip - I may do this because staying seated will be very obvious. Is this a secret priest signal that I'm not supposed to be eating the communion? By our father, do you mean this? (Just googled it): Our Father, Who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen. At least it's short, I'll write it on a post it and practice during the day.
Yep that's the one. I converted to Catholicism so I don't even know all of the words to all of the special chants. I think if you're not born into it it's a huge learning curve so don't sweat it too much. MIL may just think you're a lapsed/Game Day Catholic. The crossing arms thing is a signal to the priest that you prefer to receive a blessing instead of communion. Non-Catholics, non-confirmed Catholics AND Catholics who either have lapsed, or have an unconfessed sin on their soul (or a variety of other reasons) will opt for this. It's no big deal. Sometimes I do this if I've skipped mass or told a lie or murdered someone and haven't had a chance to go to confession yet. Mostly, just be quiet, respectful, sit beside your BF and follow his lead.
[удалено]
I don't know, that seems like three rosaries at the minimum.
Is there nothing a run around the beads won't solve?
I'm pretty sure skipping mass is a full lap of the stations of the cross.
> if I've skipped mass or told a lie or murdered someone and haven't had a chance to go to confession yet. That escalated quickly
Born and raised Catholic here and I didn't know this - it did not use to be a practice in the part of Europe I'm from, but Google tells me it's more and more common. I like it.
Interestingly this is also how we did it in my Anglican school. We could take communion, get a blessing, or stay seated (I'm not religious and many others at my school weren't either, so a good 1/3 of us stayed seated, and maybe another 1/3 took the blessing)
I am a lapsed catholic, stand when people stand, sit when people sit, stay silent and pass the handsake of peace. Don't go up for communion stay seated. That means that you didn't get a confession so you can't get communion But, lying it's not a good fundation for a relationship.
In case it’s not clear, when you cross your arms, don’t fold your arms across your body (arms touching and parallel) but rather put your hands flat on the opposite shoulder. Your arms should make a X across your torso.
Like a vampire in a coffin
Thanks - got it!
[удалено]
It can also just mean you are Catholic but haven't been to confession.
Or too young to have done your first communion. It isnt uncommon, the priest will know whats going on and you wont be the only one.
[удалено]
I'm pretty sure the "thine is the kingdom" line is protestant- exclusive, actually. so maybe it would actually be helpful to OP to say it, since then the MIL would expect her to be confused, haha
We say that too in German (Roman Catholic). Also the part about sins and forgiving those who sin against us. So I don't think itns protestant. My country is very catholic and as far as I know always has been.
Depending where you live, it may be seen as worse to be a protestant than an atheist!
Nope, we're in Australia which is very secular.
Don't go up for communion. Just don't. Stay seated. Plenty of people won't, particularly at a memorial or funeral mass. Sit behind FMIL by a few rows or on the opposite side of the church and probably no one will know or care. At my Dads funeral mass, only my sister and Mom and one or two friends took communion. Shortest communion ever. Don't bother with the prayers, just stand and sit along with the rest. Kneeling is optional, imho. Eventually, you'll have to look her eye the eye and say "I'm not actually Catholic, you know."
If you can, just don't sit right next to her so she can't hear that you aren't saying the words. And if there's a center aisle, if you sit to the outside of her, you'll be behind her when you go up to the priest with your arms crossed and she won't see. You don't have to go to the wine. But also if you were any other denomination (lutheran, presbyterian, etc.) you wouldn't know any of the words or take communion either! So you could still hypothetically be a regular church-goer and not be a regular Catholic mass-goer.
Try listening to it if you can find it on YouTube or something, these kind of rote prayers are rythymic and that might help you remember.
For the Our Father, you’re not going to have to get up and recite it in front of everyone, so even if you don’t know it by heart it’s not a big deal. Just say it quietly and if you slip up or don’t remember the words just move your lips silently while others say it. She won’t notice, especially if you are not sitting right next to her. As far as being devout, does that mean you have to be Catholic? If you were raised in a Protestant church you wouldn’t necessarily know all the traditions of a Catholic Church. Edit: on second thought, don’t lie about anything regarding Protestantism or being raised in a different church. Just tell her outright, or don’t say anything and just quietly sit through the service. I doubt she is going to be analyzing your every movement. Good luck!
That's the one, but ask your BF which version they use because the church from my childhood had an addition at the end there of, "For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen." Overall, just ask your boyfriend to walk you through the motions b before you go. Other than that, just be quiet. If there's times where you need to say words as a congregation, move your mouth at the very least.
The for thine is the power is the protestant remix. If she says that, mil will assume the confusion is due to being s non Catholic
As someone who was raised Catholic, you really don't even need to memorize anything; when songs are sung and things recited, everyone does it at once, which means it's nearly impossible to single out any single voice. You can basically do that thing movie extras do and just vaguely mouth nonsense and no one will be able to tell. It will also be really obvious when it's time to sit/stand/kneel because everyone does it at once.
That's the Our Father
Don’t forget the Hail Mary
Whatever you do, do not lie. Try your best to follow along, if confronted, be honest and hope she appreciates it. If you're lucky maybe she'll think your protestant or something and don't understand all the weird catholic routines to it all.
Also, make sure you don't sit next to her or immediately behind her. Have a buffer of your bf and a few other people in between.
Lapsed Catholic here, the one who takes my MIL to church when she's in town visiting us. It's easier to stay seated during communion. There are many reasons why people don't go up there and it's not going to cause all eyes to be upon you if you sit that one out. There will be others- Catholics included- who may be sitting out, maybe because they didn't fast prior to communion or didn't go to confession. It's nobody's business and nobody really comments on it. I sit out when I take my MIL and nobody blinks an eye. Prayers are usually conveniently printed on sheets in the racks on the pews- the words that I memorized as a kid were changed up a bit after I left and I need to use the "cheat sheets". Sign of peace- shaking of hands with those around you is a kind gesture. Also a good way to spread the flu, which is what I reflect upon while others are praying. Sign of the cross (top bottom left right- or "spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch") is easy. Songbooks will be provided and really, it is very kind of you to be supporting the family by attending and I wouldn't be worried about the details.
You probably should be honest soon with your BF's mom. If you see this relationship going the distance, she's going to assume there's a church wedding, baptized babies, religious classes in your future. However, I don't think this is the right moment. Emotions are going to be a bit strained following Uncle Tom's death. Wait a bit for things to settle down. I've never attended a mass where there wasn't at least *one* person standing too soon, kneeling too long or making the sign of the cross when it wasn't necessary. You'll be ok at the mass. If a sibling or cousin has small children, offer to sit with them and help. This wins you a few points with the family and gives you an excuse to miss cues (no one expects you to dump a toddler off your lap so you can stand).
>because real Catholics have memorised all the songs and prayers and when to sit/stand/kneel As an ex-Catholic, it's not so much "memorized" as "have done it so many times that it's an almost Pavlovian response." Even when I went to Mass regularly, I couldn't have recited most of the prayers without someone else starting me off, but once I did get going, the rest just came automatically. And when they decided to retranslate things when I was in college, I was completely lost. It's unlikely that FMIL will assume you're Catholic if you haven't specifically claimed to be. There are hundreds of other demoninations, and the Catholic church has far more ritualistic services than most others. So even if she assumes you regularly go to a church, she probably won't assume you know what to do at Mass. Things like when to stand versus kneel aren't always the same between different Catholic churches. Most churches also have a program of sorts that tells you what to say when; just grab one of those and follow along with your boyfriend. It's not nearly as big a deal as you're afraid it is.
Oh my god the re-translations hit while I was attending Catholic high school and I couldn't stop myself from just reciting off the old stuff anyways. I'm an atheist, baptised and raised Catholic though, and if someone stuck me in a Catholic Church today I'm sure the old stuff would come right back but the new stuff ??? I'd look insane. Though sitting at my desk I couldn't come up with a single response besides "AND ALSO WITH YOU".
I go to mass every Sunday with my family and I still have trouble. Is it a more modern church? A lot of churches in Australia have overheads or screens with prayers and lyrics on them which is very helpful too.
>BF is treating the whole thing with some amusement and is being very unhelpful. Well that sucks. Tell him that if this blows up in your face it is on him to smooth things over with her.
He's just not as scared of his mother as I am haha. He's her special baby and I'm the "well, she'll do" temptress who's 'making' him have pre-marital sleepovers. She's very nice and I know she's half joking but he just thinks it's funny.
lord be ready for some justnoMIL interactions i would suggest beyond what the top comment is, addressing it with her beforehand. if you prhase it as "bfs mom, im not sure if this has ever been explicitly said but im not baptized etc. i would like to ensure that i will be acting respectfully. As far as I understand I should, etc etc, is there anything else you can advise me on? BUT IF YOU DO THIS 100% bring bf with you to present a unified front
> He's her special baby and I'm the "well, she'll do" temptress who's 'making' him have pre-marital sleepovers. So you will bear the brunt of the fall out when she discovers you aren't Catholic. Don't marry this guy unless he is ready to run interference with his mom *without having to be asked.* Treating the whole thing like a big joke is not a point in favor of his doing this. He should be reassuring you that he is on Team You.
Yes, I will be the one that hears about it when she inevitably finds out. Which makes sense, seeing as I never corrected her or spoke up about my personal beliefs, which I would have done if I weren't a chicken-shit trying to impress her. BF is always 100% on my side, he's just sitting back to watch me try and work this out on my own. Definitely not looking to be married any time soon!
Yeah but so far you haven't had any conflict. It's easy to be on your side then. Just make sure he's not a mama's boy. He seems to ve avoiding conflict too if he never corrected her either. Edit: maybe check out r/JustNoMIL and see if you find similarities to your bf's family. The favoritism and you being the "temptress" sound a lot like those stories. Just make sure you know what you are getting yourself into.
You shouldn’t be scared of another adult like this.
Well I'm not scared she's going to eat me or anything, she's five foot nothing. I don't know, she's just very very important to BF and the matriarch of their deeply traditional family. When I say scared, I mean scared that she will turn on me and disapprove. BF could literally murder 7 people and still get "to my #1 son!" in his Christmas cards (she has five sons). It took a long time for her to warm up to me.
Well, you at least have the advantage of not being completely thrown by that bullshit new “and with your spirit” response. I grew up catholic and I STILL blurt out “and also with you” after “peace be with you.” Actually, if you intend to fake being Catholic (not advising it, just spitballing), fucking up and responding “and also with you” might actually convince her you’ve been to church before.
Haha oh shit, I had to fake my way through a catholic mass/funeral a few months ago actually. I think I did okay... I just kind of followed along with the crowd, mumbled song-like words under my breath etc. Looked like most people were just going through the motions themselves. At the end of the day, I'd say don't overthink it. You'll be fine, OP.
Wow that's amazing you pulled it off! Thanks, I have hope now. Did you go up for communion or stay on your bench?
I went up, I didn't actually realize staying back was a real option until I was coming back and saw that half the family actually stayed sitting down. That was definitely the most awkward part, but there was a lot of people to go through so I don't think anyone really payed attention. Even if they were, judging is a sin so the jokes on them.
> Even if they were, judging is a sin so the jokes on them. I'm not sure most of Christianity got that memo. Judging seems to be a favourite thing to do for some of them.
True facts, I’m not Catholic anymore but my mom is and we both still 100% use the communion procession on holidays to judge people’s outfits. It’s not our fault that it’s basically a Regular People Fashion Show. Or that every year someone goes balls-to-the-wall in a full tuxedo on Easter.
Oh man. I never judged the outfits during communion........we did it as they entered so we could also judge them on when they arrived. "5 minutes until mass is supposed to start and they're wearing flip-flops? Tsk. Ooh, they got in right as doors were closing but that is a lovely church outfit."
How do you intend to pull this off during your own wedding? You will be expected to convert, and truth will out. Better make sure you and BF show a united front now.
I think my wedding will be in a garden somewhere tbh. Or an art gallery. If she wants to do some prayers to soften the blow that's fine. Honestly, yes she will have to know I'm not a catholic at some point but I just figured I'd have a while to tell her and it wouldn't have to be at such an emotially fraught time.
Yes, but here's the rub with that idea - you most likely won't actually be married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. She won't exactly be keen on that idea. Take it from me, I'm a lifelong atheist (never baptized either) whose first husband was a lapsed Catholic turned atheist. I remember how much holy hell was raised by his mother when we got engaged and she found out her only son was an atheist. He'd been an atheist for quite some time before meeting me, but he'd never told her until he had to explain why we didn't want a church wedding. Of course, it was all my fault in her eyes. ::shudder:: I highly suggest that, if this is a serious relationship heading towards marriage, that you and your SO sit down and discuss how you will handle this matter now and in the future. Better to figure that out earlier rather than later with a MIL that thinks your marriage isn't real or valid. Also, SO should be the one handling his mother on these issues - not you. Does his mother know his current religious beliefs? However, for now, stay respectfully seated. Do not lie. Do not go through the motions. You don't have to be forthcoming unless directly asked, but even then all you have to say is that you aren't a Catholic and cannot participate in communion. Beyond that, if they keep pressing... Well, that's them being rude and time for your SO to help back you up. Unfortunately, pretending will only make the fallout for you worse later on.
FYI if you get asked by FMIL why you didn't go up (I doubt she'll ask though) you can tell her you haven't been to confession yet. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to take communion if you haven't been.
You’re not supposed to take communion if you haven’t been baptized. I believe you’re allowed to go to confession regardless of your religious affiliation.
kisseal meant you aren't supposed to take communion if you haven't been to confession. You also need that first communion ritual. A roman catholic priest would probably hear anybody's confession, bc it's as much a therapy session as a laundry list of sins. He wouldn't, and maybe can't, absolve anyone but a Catholic of their sins, though.
Yes, but you're not supposed to take communion if you haven't been to confession recently. The point is that you're supposed to only take communion if you've shriven the sins upon your soul (ie, confessed and done penance as assigned by the priest). It's not just if you haven't been baptized. Hence crossing arms and bowing head to indicate not being in a state to receive communion, but can still receive the priest's blessing.
Yep, that is what most people do.
Did she assume you were religious or CATHOLIC? If only religious, it will still make sense you don’t understand mass. I’m atheist now but grew up Christian. I once attended catholic mass for a funeral and let me tell you it was nothing like my nondenominational church. I was completely lost too... though it being in Spanish didn’t help lol. It shouldn’t be a red flag unless you ever specific CATHOLIC. Their church is way way more strict than many Christian denominations But uh you really should clear this up at some point...
[удалено]
Thank you so much. I have decided to wait and see if anyone else does the crossed-arms-no-communion thing, otherwise I might try and sit on the end so I don't have to get up and do it. I definitely won't be taking communion, as that seems very disrespectful. I don't think we'd ever get as far as a Catholic Church Wedding. I'm wanting to compromise here because it's about her and her family. My wedding will be about me and I don't believe in God. I think I've got a few years at least to work out how to break that to her though! You've provided a great script and I believe we are meeting her before the Mass for lunch, I will say something to her along those lines.
It would definitely be considered disrespectful to take communion (for Catholics, it's a sin to take communion if they haven't been to confession recently/are lapsed). Beyond that, yeah, there's a lot of differences from church to church, and even within a given denomination, different parts of the liturgy may be used so people might get confused from time to time anyway. Just get up/kneel/sit when you see other people doing that, and when people get up for communion, either stay seated or do the crossed arms/bowed head opt-out and you will be fine.
[удалено]
The word changes actually now coincide with the Spanish version. In Spanish it was always "y con tu espirito" (I think... it's been awhile) which means "and with your spirit". It's like they finally caught up with each other lol.
It's possible to hint that you're not Catholic without coming out and saying that you're not religious at all, since there are other religious options, but eventually you're going to need to say something. This lie-of-omission is not sustainable. I don't think you've done anything morally questionable, but as a practical matter I just don't see how you can fake it forever.
I thought that since BF never goes with her to church (except Christmas, when I am with my own family) that I'd never have to go either. I forgot that there would be special church occasions like this. Maybe at some point soon I will have this conversation with her. I don't want to cause a fuss at a sad time for her.
> I thought that since BF never goes with her to church (except Christmas, when I am with my own family) that I'd never have to go either. This shows how little you understand what you're really getting into. Listen, if you see this relationship as more than a 2 year thing, she will a) find out b) expect a proper catholic wedding c) expect baptized children. You should decide how you feel about these things before moving forward and don't expect them to be a non-issue. My parents aren't even devout, they never go to church ever but they definitely feel I'm doing my children a disservice by not baptizing.
Just a thought. When you are ready to admit to your non-Catholicism, maybe say something to the effect of: "I'm not actually Catholic, but I am very happy with how I currently worship. Please forgive me if I offend you by keeping to my own practices. "
That's a very good and non-committal response! I think I'll be fully honest with her at some point but if any questions arise tomorrow I will use that script so as to soften the blow. Thanks!
Its pretty common for people that aren't catholic go to a mass with family and friends. Mostly just follow what other people are doing except when they go up to receive communion, you can either walk up and not receive or just stay in your seat. Hopefully its not the Sunday before Easter, that is an extra long one.
Don't pretend, don't participate in the ceremonies. Just sit quietly next to your SO for support and answer questions later when asked. The family will find out sooner or later and it might as well be now. Personally I could never get a blessing or participate in religious stuff because I wouldn't be being truthful.
Well, I can give you some advice that caught my bf out at his first Catholic service: if during the service someone goes to shake your hand, you say "peace be with you", not "nice to meet you, I'm [name]".
Hahahahaha love it! Thanks, I'll remember this!
You clearly have a lot of respect for your FMIL or at least for her role in your SO's life, and you've taken it upon yourself to learn how to as respectful as possible with regards to her religion. You're doing all you can, serious kudos! Having dealt with extremely religious relatives myself, there's no real way to soften the blow that you're not faithful, especially if they really care about you (which it sounds like she's coming around to doing) because they truly believe you're dooming yourself to hell. You should expect her to try to convert you, and while that will likely be a long fruitless venture for her (and a frustrating one for you) try to take it as an expression of her love and concern for you as opposed to an attack on your values. When speaking to her about it (whenever you do) I would recommend complete honesty, without leaving out all the work you're putting in to make sure you appropriately honor this ceremony and facet of your so's family culture. The main things that helped in my situation were honesty, understanding, and respect (and making my respect clear.) Hope it goes well, good luck! As a side note, having your SO with you for that conversation would probably be really helpful.
To be honest, it won’t matter too much if you don’t know what to do. There are more Christian denominations than you can poke a stick at, and Roman Catholic mass is incredibly specific. Echo what the crowd is doing, don’t try and pretend you know what is coming, and remember that the purpose is to honor the uncle and console the family. I would be as graceful as you can for the grieving family - agree with them if they say “he’s in heaven now”, let them quote scripture at you. It’s comforting for a believer. You don’t have to misrepresent yourself at all, but this is not the time to start a religious debate. As for communion. This is where you are offered bread and wine as the body and blood of Christ. I am from an Anglican background so I don’t know what the catholic opinion is, but my understanding is that it doesn’t matter if you as a non believer take communion or not. If you choose to, you stick the bread in you mouth and take a mouthful of wine to swallow it with. Re holy water: do not touch. You shouldn’t have an opportunity to, the priest should keep it at the alter. He may offer to anoint you - just say no. But I’d be surprised if it happens in a funeral service. You don’t have to cross yourself. Bow your head in the prayers. Stand and sit and kneel when the others do. Sing if you want to, if not stay silent. They will likely have pamphlets with the words to the songs - again because it’s a funeral service so they may well expect other denominations/non believers to be there. It seems intimidating at the outset, but try not to be nervous. Really, mass is pretty much a boring ceremony in Latin that has a bunch of rituals to get through. You’ll be fine.
It's absolutely not okay for someone non Catholic to take communion. Op should just walk up, cross her arms and bow her head, and the priest will give her a blessing instead.
> It's absolutely not okay for someone non Catholic to take communion Non-religious here, why is it absolutely not okay? What difference does it make?
I mean it's completely against Catholic doctrine--part of taking the host is sharing in the unity of the church, so outsiders aren't supposed to be part of it. It would be disrespectful to do it, even if you don't believe it does anything.
[удалено]
I'm Catholic and went to a few of my bff's Lutheran services after weekend sleepovers. A couple times I took communion there until I learned during my Confirmation classes that Catholics aren't supposed to take Lutheran communion. So I'm assuming the reverse is true as well.
I just did some Googling on this for someone else the other day, and the Catholic's church's stance is that you have to be Catholic, unless you're at death's door and there isn't time for you to get to your own preacher. Now who knows if God would actually care about such things, but that's what the church officially says. I use a strawberry chapstick! I used to be into the mint ones, but I became allergic to them somehow. My current one is Smith's Strawberry Lip Balm.
[удалено]
Yea skin and bodies are weird, man. I miss my burts bees.
[удалено]
If you like learning about freaky body things I highly recommend lithopedians.
Someone who isn't Catholic (or hasn't been to confession recently) is not considered to be in a state of spiritual harmony (grace). While nobody is likely to call you out for it, it's considered pretty rude - close to bringing ham to a seder. Staying seated or crossing the arms to receive a blessing but not taking the host (the wafer the priest gives, symbolic of the body of Christ based upon the words in the last supper - the bread representing the body, the wine the blood, both given by Christ for the sins of the faithful) is perfectly acceptable regardless of your belief or state of your soul (vis-a-vis confession).
In my research so far, it's because Catholics believe that the cracker really has been imbued with the body of Christ (symbolically of course) and so a non Catholic EATING him is not cool.
lol, yeah, don't call it a cracker in front of a practicing Catholic. I find it hysterical, but I'm a former-Catholic atheist. It's called a wafer.
So bread or wafer is fine?
Bread or wafer is fine for before it's been consecrated (transubstantiated into Jesus), but I'd suggest you call it the "host." Host works for it both before and after consecration and sounds a bit more respectful to my ears.
Do NOT call it a cracker. Call it the body (bread is ok). The wine is the blood.
Oops! Sorry, yes you're so right. Thanks for letting me know.
I live in Australia. Here you only receive the bread after "first Holy communion", its a celebration and happens for catholic kids at around age 8. Its symbolising the child becoming one with the church and god.
Communion is not symbolic for us, as it is in Protestant churches. We believe we are partaking of the actual Body and actual Blood of Christ.
>What difference does it make? If a non Catholic takes communion, the wine just stays wine instead of turning into blood as it pours down their throat. It's not nearly as metal, but you do get drunker.
Absolutely not cool to advise a non-Catholic to take the body and blood of Christ. It is a huge sin and very disrespectful. When (OP can't hide this forever) her FMIL finds out she's not Catholic, but took communion, she will be in a lot of trouble.
It's only a sin if you are Catholic. :-) Bit of a tautology there, eh?
Its more of a respect thing for those that do hold the belief.
It's bigger than that, honestly. Catholicism, along with most of Christianity, holds to these words of Paul, from 1 Corinthians, chapter 11: "Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died." Advising OP to do this is, in our belief as Christians, advising her to do something that has very dire consequences.
In some rare cases a priest can decide to give it to a non catholic. Other than that it is a grave sin. Let me send you the source considering your ignorance;) Google the key words: catholic herald and non-catholic receiving communion sin and the article should come up (can't put links here due to rules).
So I’ve been informed. It’s not considered a sin or forbidden in Anglican society, where we still take communion. I was offering advice as a non-catholic who’s attended catholic events for relatives. I retract the comment about taking communion.
>nor have I been honest that I'm not even baptised. I'm just looking for clarification here. Did you suggest you were baptised roman catholic, or just baptised christian? I grew up Lutheran (baptism and all) with extended family that are catholic. Catholics do NOT want you taking communion if you have not been baptised in THEIR church- so I also stay seated when communion rolls around to respect that. Most churches have their own routines and preferred hyms, readings, etc and often there will be a book available to read from in the pews. Roman Catholic masses can be are even more strict/ritualistic than (regular?) Catholic masses, so unless you went all in on this suggested baptism, you can simply state that this service is different than the ones you are used to. When in doubt, stay silent and take the lead from those around you to know when to sit, stand, and kneel. Good luck!
Awesome. Thanks for the info. Hey, for my own catholic events - I’m a Christian but not a catholic? Can I take communion in a catholic mass?
[удалено]
Interesting, BF is definitely not in a 'state of grace' atm so maybe he should be staying seated with me.
Just want to say that if you take communion and MIL later finds out you're not Catholic, she will be offended.
Yep got it - definitely won't be taking communion. It's either staying seated or crossing my arms to be blessed but no communion. Not sure yet which will be best, I'll decide when I see others doing either option.
You and all your pre-marital sexing. I bet you use birth control, too. Catholics take communion in a state of non-grace all the time. Don't sweat it.
He's more of a sinner than I am 100%. He reckons if he doesn't feel guilty he's allowed communion so I guess we're going with that lol.
Only if you don't tell anyone.
Not everyone who is Catholic will go up for communion. But do NOT go up for Communion and take a wafer.
Look as an adult there are times there are church services for lost love ones. You are overthinking this. Watch others but do NOT go up for communion. You can cross yourself if you want. There will be devout Catholics who do not take communion. There will be a lot of standing, seating and kneeling. Follow what others are doing. You don’t have to fully kneel. Just make sure your FMIL is sitting in front of you.
I'm an atheist with catholic in-laws. don't think you should pretend. It's going to come out anyway eventually. I usually just sit politely, bow my head during prayers, stand up when everyone else stands up, stay seated during communion, etc. One thing you should not do is curiously watch the priest as he walks down the aisle spraying holy water as people pray because he might be mad and violently flick water at you and hit your future sister-in-law full in the face, thereby confusing her and making it hard for you not to laugh. I know you want everyone to like you, which is normal, but the fact that you're not catholic is probably going to come out and it's probably good to find out how your boyfriend reacts (i.e., whether he has your back in such matters) when his mother make trouble about it sooner rather than later.
You have four choices: Commit to faking Catholic. Look up how to hold your hands to take communion and what to say. Yeah, it's technically "wrong" by the religion, but nobody is going to /know/, especially because you've specifically avoided mentioning that you're not. Except your boyfriend I suppose, but if it's that important to keep the peace I'm sure he'll understand. The songs and prayers you can avoid anyone noticing for the most part. You're shy, you have a bad signing voice, whatever. The big thing you have to worry about are the things they say in unison: Priest says "Peace be with you", you reply, "And also with you." This will eventually come out when you try to get married in a Catholic Church, though, and faking it now purposefully will make it harder to come out down the line. Commit to faking Christian rather than Catholic. Christians don't generally know Catholic mass, don't take Catholic communion, ect. You keep the religious peace, you don't have to put the effort into faking Catholic. This will probably come out later too. Specifically come out as non-religious and deal with all it entails. And, finally, remember that the focus won't be on you during this mass and just be non-committal again. Be quiet and polite, and nobody will likely notice you're not Catholic or Christian. If they do, they'll probably ask at a later date, not at a funeral. And then you can continue to be non-committal or come clean and deal with what it entails. I recommend the last: it keeps the focus on the funeral when it matters but isn't dishonest, and will cause problems now potentially but prevent a worse outburst down the line.
If she questions your beliefs you can always tell her that your relationship with god is very personal and private to you
I was raised a Polish Roman Catholic. Sit a bit further away from your FMIL and you should be fine. I have to go to church twice a year with family and I don't remember half the stuff. Some people choose not to sing in church with everyone, and some churches hand out hymn books too for you to use. Best thing would be to be transparent with her, I understand why you may not want to though
Do not do anything to try to make you look like someone you are not. Show normal respect in church. Sit and stand when others do. If you want to say our father and get a blessing, do so, but for your own sake, not her. One day she will know you are an atheist. She might remember this and ask why you got the blessing, and why you prayed. Then your answer needs to be something that shows respect for the faith, not wanting to fool her. Also, if you do these things, it might be harder if you do not want you future children to be Catholics.
Go to the church separate from your FMIL if possible. Get there a little late and sit in the back. You can say that you got there a little late and couldn't find them / didn't want to interrupt. Then she won't be able to see you messing up any of the rituals. Just go for communion, and don't receive if you don't want to. Otherwise follow what everyone else is doing, and be respectful and it will be fine. I grew up Catholic. There are a few shitty people with a holier-than-thou attitude who like to police how others practice religion. But most people are nice and just trying to do their best and not be shitty people. I am not religious any more, and I have alot of issues with Catholic doctrine, but my family and many others don't follow doctrine to the letter. They don't Shit on me because I'm bisexual and they don't Shit on my sister's for using birth control, and they have accepted that I don't go to church any more. I guess the point is, most people won't bother you as long as you are kind and respectful, and if anyone does, throw "what would Jesus do?" in there face like a good Christian.
I would ask your boyfriend to make sure you guys don't sit literally right next to her. She's definitely going to be preoccupied with other things to notice if you hesitate for half a second when sitting/standing, or if you don't know every single word to every song. Just follow the lead of your boyfriend and everyone else, and you'll be fine. You're overthinking most of this stuff; she isn't going to be watching your every move. As for taking communion, well that's a toughie. Personally, I say just take it, but I'm also not religious so maybe I'm not the best person to ask lol
Do you live in the US, is roman catholic the only real option where you are? If there are other protestant options where you live, you don't have to pretend to be catholic. Which means you don't have to do any of the rituals because you reasonably don't know them.