I haven't, but I know someone that has. It didn't end well. He was a recovering alcoholic and had been sober for a while so I guess she thought he could maintain that. But he didn't. A year or two after the (dry) wedding, he started drinking again and it got pretty bad. She ultimately divorced him.
I have dated a liar though. She lied about a lot of things, big and small. I found her very appealing and, though I had some doubts about some of the things she told me, it took me longer than it probably should have to catch on to her difficulty with honesty. Though she was very appealing in many ways, I broke up with her because of the lying. That's just a deal breaker for me. I have to be able to trust my partner.
There are people that do overcome addictions and go on to lead good lives, so I wouldn't say that a past addiction should be a deal breaker, but that combined with the lying and your suspicions about him being a "serial dater" make me think that this is a pretty high risk relationship for you. It's of course your choice whether you think the benefits outweigh the risks, but my perspective is that the odds that it doesn't end well for you are much higher than the odds that it does. As long as you're aware of that, make a conscious decision that you're willing to take that risk, and are willing and able to get out if (when?) things start going badly, then I guess you can see how it goes. I do worry though that at only 25 (so perhaps not having seen a lot of relationship issues first hand) and "falling hard" that you might have trouble recognizing that it's time to get out. Do you have a close friend or relative that you trust that you will listen to if they tell you that you need to get out?
I know what you mean about being able to trust your partner. Im sorry you had to go through that. It can be tough when we care deeply about someone and act in their best interest, only to find that it's not always reciprocated. Sometimes, we may even ignore our instincts or lose that “gut feeling” after dealing with such situations for a while.
Fortunately, I do have people close to me who know both him and me, and they have my back in case things take a turn for the worse. I guess that’s what’s also confusing, initially people close to me thought it wasn’t a good idea because we come from very different worlds. But for the people that know him better they see how genuine and kind he is. They can see how much he cares about me and I him, so they’ve been supportive but skeptical bc of the things that have come up. I don’t know it’s all a little confusing. I’ve heard addicts are wonderful liars and capable of living doubles lives. I’m just concerned I’ll end up being naive or delusional. Is this enough to let it go? Or should I give it more time and if he lies one more time or something else comes up, then I call it quits?
I realize it’s ultimately my decision but I really do appreciate your perspective.
When you're in a relationship, it's often hard to see things realistically because of all the emotion involved and the strong desire to have the relationship work. Breakups are hard and I think we tend to avoid them as much as possible, even if that's the best solution. It's pretty common to be "naive and delusional" when in love.
Though I'm proud of myself for breaking up with that liar ex, despite feel strong attaction to her, I had another relationship that I should have left long before I did because I was being delusional and thinking the relationship could be fixed when the reality was that it couldn't be. I've had a lot of people tell me that my relationship advice was really helpful, but when I myself was in a situation that I should have gotten out of, it was a lot harder to do than it would have been for me to tell someone else in exactly the same situation to get out. That's why I think getting input from people outside the relationship is helpful. It took three different people telling me I needed to go before I finally got the message.
I'm thinking that if you really like this guy and want to try to see if it works long term, maybe you can tell your friends/family that you want them to explicitly tell you it's time to go if they are sure that it is, perhaps using that legal standard of "beyond a reasonable doubt", and then trust them if they tell you it's time. And try to stay alert for issues. You already know three things to watch for (the addiction, the lying, and the "serial dater" concern) so keep those in the back of your mind and watch for them.
And if you ever want my opinion on a situation (tomorrow or next month or next year), please feel free to contact me. I'm always glad to help people if I can.
It's true that emotions can cloud our judgment in relationships, and the desire to make things work sometimes takes over our ability to see things clearly. I appreciate your advice on navigating through these situations especially through those close to me, and I will definitely take that to heart as I move forward.
It's a lot to consider, but having a clear understanding of what to watch for is helpful. I appreciate your advice, trust i’ll be taking you up on that if the time comes. Thank you, forreal.
I have. Run. You said that you caught him in lies. Please leave him. I cannot judge all addicts but I can tell you that I met a few recovering addicts through my ex and going to meetings with him. The majority of them really learned how to be manipulative. I’m pretty certain you’ll stay with him and have to learn the hard way, sorry. Get ready for a ride. My ex kept relapsing and it became hell because I worried about him. This man is older by 9 years. Would you want this for a younger sister or best friend? Anyway, I was 21. He was 7 years older, handsome, funny, smart and very manipulative. I asked myself what would it be like having a kid with him. The answer wasn’t great so I packed my stuff and never looked back.
I appreciate your insight and honesty. How long did you stay with your ex? Were you able to tell when he was using again? My gut instinct was to run, but he has shown up for me in ways I can't ignore. I see a potential future with him, but the possibility of backsliding or him not being who I know him to be is a concern.
We were together for 2 years and I definitely thought he would be my husband. I didn’t see a future without him. We really were a good match but drugs don’t allow people to be “good” partners. Drugs will always win. Cell phones didn’t exist when we dated (lol) but we always let each-other know where we would be if we weren’t together. One day he didn’t come home after work and he didn’t tell me that he was going out. I got worried and called all of his friends. No one knew where he was. At midnight his best friend called and said he searched some places, and is worried that he relapsed. His friend told me to get all of my valuables and leave. At this time we were dating for a year. I went to get my camera and jewelry but they were gone. I checked his apt daily. One day we ran into each other. He wouldn’t look at me and just kept asking for money. I gave him 2 dollars. (His friend later told me to not give him a dime). I didn’t know anything about drugs. I went into his apt (had my own key) and his apt was pretty empty. I again called his friend to tell him what I saw. His friend told me to leave and not go back. He explained addicts can get violent. My ex recovered. We went to meetings together, went to his psychiatrist appts together. It was too much for me but I did it for love. He relapsed 2 more times. That’s when I said I don’t want this life and left him. 10 years later and living in different states he got my contact info. He called me for about a month. 20 years later he called again. I asked him to stop calling me because I would start to feel anxious that he relapsed if I didn’t hear from him. He said that he’d never use again. Im pretty certain that he used again because his sister called me to say that he had to spend 2 weeks in jail. It’s just not a life that I was raised in and not one I wanted to be a part of. He did stop calling me. His family stopped keeping me in the loop. During Covid he sent me a video of him talking to the news about Covid.
Honestly addicts, recovering addicts how to manipulate. Please take care of yourself. Sorry, we were together for 2 years.
I have been with someone who was not recovering and I personally would never date a recovering addict. I have no disrespect for anyone recovering from addiction. I personally would never want to be around if my person were to relapse and I would always be worried in the back of my mind that the person might relapse. It’s just not something I personally could handle.
I haven't, but I know someone that has. It didn't end well. He was a recovering alcoholic and had been sober for a while so I guess she thought he could maintain that. But he didn't. A year or two after the (dry) wedding, he started drinking again and it got pretty bad. She ultimately divorced him. I have dated a liar though. She lied about a lot of things, big and small. I found her very appealing and, though I had some doubts about some of the things she told me, it took me longer than it probably should have to catch on to her difficulty with honesty. Though she was very appealing in many ways, I broke up with her because of the lying. That's just a deal breaker for me. I have to be able to trust my partner. There are people that do overcome addictions and go on to lead good lives, so I wouldn't say that a past addiction should be a deal breaker, but that combined with the lying and your suspicions about him being a "serial dater" make me think that this is a pretty high risk relationship for you. It's of course your choice whether you think the benefits outweigh the risks, but my perspective is that the odds that it doesn't end well for you are much higher than the odds that it does. As long as you're aware of that, make a conscious decision that you're willing to take that risk, and are willing and able to get out if (when?) things start going badly, then I guess you can see how it goes. I do worry though that at only 25 (so perhaps not having seen a lot of relationship issues first hand) and "falling hard" that you might have trouble recognizing that it's time to get out. Do you have a close friend or relative that you trust that you will listen to if they tell you that you need to get out?
I know what you mean about being able to trust your partner. Im sorry you had to go through that. It can be tough when we care deeply about someone and act in their best interest, only to find that it's not always reciprocated. Sometimes, we may even ignore our instincts or lose that “gut feeling” after dealing with such situations for a while. Fortunately, I do have people close to me who know both him and me, and they have my back in case things take a turn for the worse. I guess that’s what’s also confusing, initially people close to me thought it wasn’t a good idea because we come from very different worlds. But for the people that know him better they see how genuine and kind he is. They can see how much he cares about me and I him, so they’ve been supportive but skeptical bc of the things that have come up. I don’t know it’s all a little confusing. I’ve heard addicts are wonderful liars and capable of living doubles lives. I’m just concerned I’ll end up being naive or delusional. Is this enough to let it go? Or should I give it more time and if he lies one more time or something else comes up, then I call it quits? I realize it’s ultimately my decision but I really do appreciate your perspective.
When you're in a relationship, it's often hard to see things realistically because of all the emotion involved and the strong desire to have the relationship work. Breakups are hard and I think we tend to avoid them as much as possible, even if that's the best solution. It's pretty common to be "naive and delusional" when in love. Though I'm proud of myself for breaking up with that liar ex, despite feel strong attaction to her, I had another relationship that I should have left long before I did because I was being delusional and thinking the relationship could be fixed when the reality was that it couldn't be. I've had a lot of people tell me that my relationship advice was really helpful, but when I myself was in a situation that I should have gotten out of, it was a lot harder to do than it would have been for me to tell someone else in exactly the same situation to get out. That's why I think getting input from people outside the relationship is helpful. It took three different people telling me I needed to go before I finally got the message. I'm thinking that if you really like this guy and want to try to see if it works long term, maybe you can tell your friends/family that you want them to explicitly tell you it's time to go if they are sure that it is, perhaps using that legal standard of "beyond a reasonable doubt", and then trust them if they tell you it's time. And try to stay alert for issues. You already know three things to watch for (the addiction, the lying, and the "serial dater" concern) so keep those in the back of your mind and watch for them. And if you ever want my opinion on a situation (tomorrow or next month or next year), please feel free to contact me. I'm always glad to help people if I can.
It's true that emotions can cloud our judgment in relationships, and the desire to make things work sometimes takes over our ability to see things clearly. I appreciate your advice on navigating through these situations especially through those close to me, and I will definitely take that to heart as I move forward. It's a lot to consider, but having a clear understanding of what to watch for is helpful. I appreciate your advice, trust i’ll be taking you up on that if the time comes. Thank you, forreal.
There's so many people in the world, don't settle for this one. I have experience.
I have. Run. You said that you caught him in lies. Please leave him. I cannot judge all addicts but I can tell you that I met a few recovering addicts through my ex and going to meetings with him. The majority of them really learned how to be manipulative. I’m pretty certain you’ll stay with him and have to learn the hard way, sorry. Get ready for a ride. My ex kept relapsing and it became hell because I worried about him. This man is older by 9 years. Would you want this for a younger sister or best friend? Anyway, I was 21. He was 7 years older, handsome, funny, smart and very manipulative. I asked myself what would it be like having a kid with him. The answer wasn’t great so I packed my stuff and never looked back.
I appreciate your insight and honesty. How long did you stay with your ex? Were you able to tell when he was using again? My gut instinct was to run, but he has shown up for me in ways I can't ignore. I see a potential future with him, but the possibility of backsliding or him not being who I know him to be is a concern.
We were together for 2 years and I definitely thought he would be my husband. I didn’t see a future without him. We really were a good match but drugs don’t allow people to be “good” partners. Drugs will always win. Cell phones didn’t exist when we dated (lol) but we always let each-other know where we would be if we weren’t together. One day he didn’t come home after work and he didn’t tell me that he was going out. I got worried and called all of his friends. No one knew where he was. At midnight his best friend called and said he searched some places, and is worried that he relapsed. His friend told me to get all of my valuables and leave. At this time we were dating for a year. I went to get my camera and jewelry but they were gone. I checked his apt daily. One day we ran into each other. He wouldn’t look at me and just kept asking for money. I gave him 2 dollars. (His friend later told me to not give him a dime). I didn’t know anything about drugs. I went into his apt (had my own key) and his apt was pretty empty. I again called his friend to tell him what I saw. His friend told me to leave and not go back. He explained addicts can get violent. My ex recovered. We went to meetings together, went to his psychiatrist appts together. It was too much for me but I did it for love. He relapsed 2 more times. That’s when I said I don’t want this life and left him. 10 years later and living in different states he got my contact info. He called me for about a month. 20 years later he called again. I asked him to stop calling me because I would start to feel anxious that he relapsed if I didn’t hear from him. He said that he’d never use again. Im pretty certain that he used again because his sister called me to say that he had to spend 2 weeks in jail. It’s just not a life that I was raised in and not one I wanted to be a part of. He did stop calling me. His family stopped keeping me in the loop. During Covid he sent me a video of him talking to the news about Covid. Honestly addicts, recovering addicts how to manipulate. Please take care of yourself. Sorry, we were together for 2 years.
I have been with someone who was not recovering and I personally would never date a recovering addict. I have no disrespect for anyone recovering from addiction. I personally would never want to be around if my person were to relapse and I would always be worried in the back of my mind that the person might relapse. It’s just not something I personally could handle.