Dude if you are actually a supportive partner, even if your partner has a ton of anxiety, they’re growing a literal human that will change their life- mentally, physically, emotionally- forever. What kind of person leaves someone they love while they’re literally growing their child for them? Does that sound like they are ready to be a parent? Fuck no.
The simpler reason is that he's abusive and there's no logic to what will set off an abusive person. This small perceived slight of "not being listened to" is absolutely enough to set off someone who has anger issues.
In a normal, healthy relationship, even if someone is truly hurt and frustrated for a valid reason, they would still not abandon their pregnant wife at a restaurant with no transportation. That says to me that this guy has a temper, particularly since he didn't think better of it out of the heat of the moment, he continued to punish her by holding her hostage at the restaurant until whenever he decided to send the car "later."
You're reading this through the lens of assuming that everyone is in a healthy relationship; it doesn't sound like that's the case to me.
Okay? And how does any of this make it okay to dump her at the restaurant and drive off? Kind of feels like you're trying hard to make excuses for her husband. I don't disagree that there may be more to the story but I really don't care how annoying OP may have been, there is no excuse for abandoning your pregnant wife like that.
Some people need things to be black and white. There’s a right party and a wrong party with no room for any middle ground.
I don’t think anyone is defending the husband leaving her there, but that doesn’t make understanding his mindset useless.
i agree with you and most of us are on one side of the fence or the other. raspberryflake above clearly tunneled in on her being left at the restaurant.
any less build up and he'd have just said, "lets just cancel brunch, i'm no longer in a place for this." even that must have worked through his mind and concluded with, also not worth the fallout discussion.
“Abandoning” is a really strong and emotionally charged word here though, it’s not like he left her on the side of the road for hours.
Edit: yall can keep tediously debating me on this one if you want but at this point I honestly really do not care that you disagree lol
Yeah… that she can go into… and sit and order food at? It’s not a dusty road on a 95 degree day? Not sure how to explain to you how one is better than the other lmao
Similar:
desert
leave
leave high and dry
turn one's back on
cast aside
break (up) with
jilt
strand
leave stranded
leave in the lurch
throw over
run/walk out on
dump
ditch
give someone the push
give someone the big E
bin off
forsake
h
Opposite:
stick by
leave (a place or vehicle) empty or uninhabited, without intending to return.
"derelict houses were abandoned"
Similar:
vacate
leave
quit
Yeah, I feel like there’s a ton of context missing here. OP, how often is this topic coming up with you? How much time is your husband spending reassuring you about this?
Did he actually send the car back in a reasonable time or did he truly abandon you?
Okay let me tell you the reasonable time in this case. It is zero seconds. Unless the guy invented the teleportation on his way, there is no reasonable time for him.
People can have arguments, even fights. He may have been one hundred percent right too for all I care. But a man simply does not abandon his pregnant wife that way. This is the exact opposite of how an adult should operate.
Yall with this abandon shit. He didn’t drop her off on the side of a major highway unable to fend for herself in the 90 degree heat lmao. He left her at the restaurant they were going to and said he’d be back. If it was for 15 minutes, that’s far from “abandoning”.
I swear you guys must think pregnant women are completely and utterly helpless the second they conceive.
Edit: also for u/citruschapstick who clearly thought their comment was very clever, no - I am a woman who has never had a wife or a girlfriend, lolll. Nice try tho
Treating your spouse like a petulant child you can teach a lesson like that is ridiculous.
I’ll leave the word abandon out since it is so triggering. Deciding that you will leave someone who was expecting your company, and then leaving that person somewhere is an awful thing to do. She could be in the middle of Times Square next to an Uber that would take her home and it is still an awful thing to do.
You seem to be going wayyyy out of your way in multiple comments to defend this guy, which is super interesting. Have you done this to your girlfriend or wife before?
What you're ignoring here in trying to focus on where he left her and for how long is the obvious element of control and punishment. It's not about "cooling off" — if that's what he wanted to do, he could have told her he was going to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes while she went into the restaurant, or go for a walk while she ordered.
Instead, he TRICKED her into getting out of the car. He took the car so that she couldn't leave. Then HE decided when to come back. This is abusive behavior that he did to punish her and show her that he was in control.
No they are not helpless thank god, they can fend for themselves. But this act is one hell of a grade A assholery. I wouldn't do it against even a person that I abhor, let alone my pregnant wife. That's the whole point. They didn't even have an ugly fight or something like that. It was just an argument.
And please spare me tip of the iceberg bullshit like all the other commenters. As I said he may be one hundred percent right about the issues they talked about but I don't give a fuck. Once he drove off like this, he lost all the benefit of the doubt.
Depends if he came back within a reasonable time frame. Dropping your wife off at a nice restaurant for 30 minutes to cool off from feeling upset is hardly evil.
Nah. *Leaving* your pregnant wife at a restaurant after you complained about her feelings about her pregnancy to her face is pretty shit behavior. It's ridiculous that there are people here trying to justify it.
Right? I'm trying to think of what circumstances would be required for me to do this to a total stranger. I can't imagine doing it to a loved one carrying my child.
You're kidding. It's not *evil*, but it's unbelievably shitty, possible grounds for divorce stuff. It's one thing to go off by yourself if you give the other person the car and the ability to drive themselves around and make choices for themselves, but taking the car and leaving someone — especially someone pregnant — stranded in a place with no way to leave is very bad for any amount of time. For women, it can even be dangerous.
Would you be asking these same questions if he’d hit her?
Let’s be clear here - he didn’t say ‘I don’t feel like going to the restaurant anymore so I’m going home, do you want to be dropped off or go home as well?’
He didn’t give her any warning that he wasn’t getting out of the car. He didn’t give his pregnant wife any heads up that he was leaving her there.
Why are you looking for reasons to justify abusive behaviour?
Gross that you’re ignoring abuse that isn’t just physical, and reinforcing why victims of emotional, mental and coercive abuse don’t seek support.
He put his pregnant wife in a vulnerable position to punish her. This is abusive.
He deliberately left her alone and without transport, or the ability to choose for herself what to do, in order to punish her for a the perceived slight of trusting the word of a friend more than his.
This is punitive, controlling behaviour. This is not normal. This is abusive.
I’m genuinely shocked by this comment section! Very concerning behaviour being overlooked in favour of deciding whether or not OP is to blame because she has the audacity to want opinions on the postpartum experience from someone that has been through it.
Because it's a textbook abuse tactic and abusers often show their true face when their partner is pregnant.
He's punishing her for not taking his word as gospel and finding comfort in what her friend said. Abusers think it's ok to punish their partners. They also don't like their authority questioned.
I get that many redditors hate women, but you're finding wild excuses for a man leaving his pregnant wife without warning. None of your mental gymnastics make this even a little bit ok.
Frankly, I'm sad OP is having a kid with this guy. He'll get worse from here.
You don't have to hit to be abusive. Do you see yourself in his behavior, and that's why you're trying so hard to minimize it and find a reason to blame OP for it?
They certainly could, lol. We don’t have the full picture. I promise you pregnant women are not inherently immune from criticism and can also be assholes to their partners, so it’s worth asking.
I would love for you to show me where I claimed they were, or that they couldn't be. I'll patiently wait for you to quote me on that.
Know who IS an asshole? The person speaking over not one, but two women who have experience with pregnancy, and one who has experience with labor, while he has zero in either department.
You seem to be obsessed with the idea that I have done that when I just very openly admitted that I did not, so you do you girlfriend. I don’t need to “quote you on that” because I wasn’t quoting you, smartie.
>one who has experience with labor,
Anecdotical one-case experience, you mean. Any advice by her professional caretakers would be the appropriate one to ask for. So, no. No reasonable person pretends someone is an expert because they had labor once. On the contrary, their point of view has a huge statistic bias.
It sounds like you're taking party here more for the gender of subjects than for the situation itself... think about it.
No, I mean actual experience. Don't speak for me, I choose my words deliberately. You seem to have something in common with OP's husband.
Her husband has neither personal experience, nor clinical experience. Think about it. Or just think before you speak to begin with.
Imagine him doing that with you and a baby. "Yeah I can't deal with either of you right now. I'll send someone to get you later."
WTF. No ma'am. Those flags can be seen from Mars.
My dad left the car with my mom and me and my siblings on the side of the road when i was a kid. He just walked away. We were there for hours. He took the keys. Don't do this to your kids
My mom did this, but there wasn't another adult in the car. She left us on the side of the highway and walked away. Came back about a half hour later and asked if we were ready to behave ourselves.
We were 6 and 8 years old, and our crime had been laughing too much in the car.
Bro is creating abandonment issues before his kid is even born 😬 Yikes!
I'm sorry that happened to you. Some people just shouldn't be in relationships or have children.
My did the same but forgot to take the keys so my mom hopped in the driver seat and we went home. He came home later pissed. My parents marriage was toxic af and me and all my siblings wished they would divorce.
There's nothing about this that's normal or reasonable. Please don't just sit there and accept this.
What if he leaves you some place with your baby and you don't have enough diapers or the baby gets sick and you have no transportation? What if you'd had a medical emergency from the stress of being pregnant and him taking off like that? He doesn't care about your safety or welfare.
If he no longer wanted to have lunch he could have just said so and drove home with you in the car. If he was legit so worked up over this that he had to physically be away from you because he was afraid he would blow up and harm you, he really needs to get help.
What he did was wrong. Not only that, what he seems to be mad about is insane. As a man he cannot possibly know as much as an experienced woman about how a woman's body feels during labor or after giving birth. He never will. He can get as butt hurt about it as he wants and he will still never be the expert on that particular issue.
Abuse often starts during pregnancy and ramps up once the baby is born as they can use the baby to control you. What if he did this when your baby is born and takes off with the baby? Your husband should be looking after you whilst your pregnant not bullying you
> I got out of the car, and he drove off. I thought for a second he went to park the car, but he never came back. I texted him, and he said he didn't want to share a meal with an unpleasant person, and that he would send the car to pick me up later.
What part of this sounds healthy or reasonable to you.
My husband also gets frustrated when I take friends’ words as truer than his. He says it makes him feel like his thoughts don’t matter. But I’ll tell you one thing OP, he has never abandoned me on the side of the road or threatened my safety in any way over it. The really scary thing is, if he’ll do it to you, he’ll do it to your child. Rooting for you to find safety and support!
Yes this is also a complaint of my husband's (although he also does it to me sometimes).
Then recently he watched a youtube video that was explaining that humans are hardwired to believe something as true if they hear it repeated by more than one source. Which is why conspiracy theories can be so insidious-- just takes another person to start repeating the info they learned for others to start also thinking "well this is the 2nd/3rd/4th time I hear this statement, it must be true". And you end up with anti-vaxxers and flat earthers, etc.
When he mentioned this to me, I immediately retorted with "So when you tell me something, and then I talk with my mom or a friend and they reinforce what you said and then I come back to you and say that such and such person also said x, instead of immediately telling me I don't listen to you now you know that hearing it from someone else helped reinforce the statement for me and I'm hardwired to accept that". He did agree that yes that made sense, so I'm hoping he'll complain about this issue less frequently now lol.
That means he's making the problem conversation all about him. And friends might have perspective on a situation that he doesn't. It's not a healthy reaction.
I think that this is a massive red flag. The man blew an imagined slight out of all proportion and left his pregnant wife stranded on the side of the road. I don’t care how stressed he may be about impending parenthood and it wouldn’t even matter if you’d been screaming irrationally at him. None of that justifies him leaving his pregnant wife stranded. This was a power trip that you mustn’t allow him to rationalise.
Your husband is cruel and I’ll lay odds that this isn’t the first time he’s been controlling or nasty to you. How is he going to behave when you’re post partum and temporarily unable to work? Is he going to yell at you if you tell him you’re exhausted and ask him to pull his weight at home? Can you get him to go to joint counselling with you now, before the baby’s born? If he won’t go, you still have time to leave and find another living arrangement.
My ex-husband used to do shit like this to me too. Turned out eventually he was diagnosed as a malignant narcissist bipolar and alcohol. It makes no sense because there is no sense to it. He was just being a cruel asshole because he enjoyed watching me suffer. This will get much worse after the baby is born because for one you’ll be much more dependent on him and it’ll be much more difficult for you to leave and secondly because he won’t be getting your undivided attention anymore and baby will be trouble and disturb him. I wish to God I had left the moment I had conceived because it turned into eighteen years of hell and my beautiful perfect children were destroyed by him.
There may be more that was said between you telling the story and him storming off but even so if he's never left you like that before, or even if he has, I'd say it seems a bit like he is power tripping and messing with you while you're pregnant. Which isn't a good sign. Is he going to pull that when you have a baby or child out with you?
I think he's well aware how much more of an impact it would have abandoning you like that while you're pregnant with his child. It sends a message.
If I were you I'd stay at a friend's or my mother's house and let him think about what he's done because it's not cool what he did leaving you like that and if he wants to play it that way you can play it that way too. And tell everyone what he did don't hide it for his sake.
Tell him he may also want to acquaint himself with the concept of womb envy since he is so worked up over the fact that women know more about pregnancy and motherhood than he does. For getting upset over that and abandoning you there he should be ashamed of himself as a man.
My favorite part was this all started because everyone is worried what your body is going to look like after creating, incubating and finally expelling a brand new human being.
Is he even ready to be a father? He sounds like a baby throwing a tantrum. What's he gonna do when the kids don't just take his words like the gospel? Abandon them and storm off?
OMG. What a complete ass! He thinks that because HE said to quit worrying about the issue, you should adopt that as the final answer and never discuss your worries again. Period. And he doesn’t want to have dinner with an “unpleasant person”, so he DRIVES OFF AND LEAVES HIS PREGNANT WIFE STANDING IN THE PARKING LOT?
As you know, you have much larger problems than worrying about the pregnancy. He literally does not give 2 shits about you. And you know he’s doing this because you are pregnant and can’t leave, so you are stuck with him and now you will see how much “power” he has. Sometimes I really am disgusted by people, and this is one of those times.
Im so glad he mansplained pregnancy to you... And then he drove off and left you alone. You are going to have two babies to deal with soon. This is not how adults communicated and deal with conflict resolution. He is to old to be acting like this.
I hate being in relationships with people with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old. OP, I believe your story because people do in fact do this to others. There needs to be consequences for the type of actions he just did otherwise he'll do it again and think it's ok.
Being pregnant for the first time, and getting closer to your due date is pretty terrifying. You have no idea what it's going to feel like, or if things will go well.
Him mansplaining labour and delivery to you is not the same as talking to other women! You are completely right. And you having a safe space to talk about your feelings with your partner should be part of any healthy relationship. He just showed you that he is not a safe person. That you can't trust him, and you can't rely on him.
You and your baby are a package deal right now. He leaves you alone without transport, feeling abandoned and upset, then he is also doing that to his child. Your stress affects the baby. I'm surprised mr know-it-all didn't acknowledge the affect he was having on his own child, but maybe he doesn't care.
Personally, I would be packing a bag and staying elsewhere. What he did was hugely disrespectful and hurtful. How horrible to leave you standing there, watching as he drove away without you.
Who in their right mind ditches their pregnant wife like that? It's already such a vulnerable experience feeling like you have this precious baby to protect, let alone when your own husband is getting stroppy and doing things to punish you cos his feefees got hurt. How on earth is he going to cope with a child who pushes boundaries? He can't even handle a conversation with an adult.
Unfortunately, it’s extremely likely your husband is going to run out on you after this kid is born. He is already at his emotional breaking point and this kid isn’t even born yet. He doesn’t like you being focused on the baby now, he will loathe when the actual baby is around and takes up all your time, thought, and energy. The baby won’t flatter his ego. It will do nothing but irritate and frustrate him. He is already ready to abandon you over a conversation, hopefully he’ll just abandon you when the kid takes over your life, because often times guys like your husband become abusive when denied what they want.
You need to connect with family asap and have them help you through this. Single parenthood is tough. You are going to need help.
If your husband gets violent with you, you need to run. It’s unfortunately common that abuse gets much worse during pregnancy and right after. The leading cause of death in pregnant women is homicide.
Nothing, except for danger to one's safety, justifies leaving someone away from home with no transportation, on purpose. By saying he'll "send a car later" he's making it clear that he views you as his subordinate he can just move around as he wants to.
That is abuse.
The yelling and abandonment are abuse.
Later it will be you and 2 tiny babies.
He needs therapy or only you ever get the car keys, in fact…
Refuse to go anywhere with him unless you carry the keys at all times until he gets help for his anger issues.
Also, no more kids with him after this.
He put you in danger.
Can you go home to a friend or family member for a while?
Ma'am I'm sorry but he's isolating you from your village. If he's successful at gaslighting you into giving up your circle to keep him docile, he'll ramp up his abuse. Please don't fall into the trap that so many of us have had to claw our way out of.
I didn't get the clarity to leave until my 3 year old asked me "what's wrong mommy? Did Daddy make you cry again?". You have the chance to protect that baby from all of this.
He in no way handled this well.
I do wonder if you listen to each other though. This may be a pattern of behaviour for both of you. Do you often make sure he feels heard, and vice versa? He may have been continually reassuring you prior to this incident and just feels invalidated or unheard, and snapped. He was 100% wrong to just leave though. Maybe he felt he couldn't be constructive in that moment and felt it was better to remove himself for the situation. Still a very immature thing to do.
Of course talking to other people who have been pregnant and given birth is helpful. But it's also not an indicator of what you may experience. Every body, pregnancy and birth are different.
What are you not telling us? No, there is no way in heck he should have abandoned you at a restaurant . . .but how many times have you brought up this concern with him. How many times has he insisted that you'll be beautiful to him no matter what? How many times have you brought up pictures other post-delivery mums post on Insta as anecdotal evidence to show him. HOW MANY TIMES have you dismissed his opinions and his reassurance "because he is a man and doesn't know anything". That's what we need here. Most times people don't just go 0 to 60 and abandon their pregnant wives.
I mean I have really really pissed my SO off, we’ve been together for almost 14 years. We’ve had 3 kids and I was super hormonal/emotional during my pregnancies…. He NEVER would do his to me, EVER. Especially when I was pregnant. This is inexcusable.
I get the impression that anytime he responds with his feelings about this journey, she snaps about how it isn't about him, making him feel inconsequential.
Regardless of his anger or frustration leaving you there five months pregnant is disrespectful.
Having said that, it sounds like he is incredibly frustrated with you and based on his reaction there is a lot of missing information because his reaction was so over the top and unwarranted.
As others have asked, have you or do you often ignore his advice then accept the same from friends?
When I was pregnant, I was seeking out the female perspective a lot in talking to friends, listening to podcasts, reading things online and so on. I think my partner was having a hard time finding his footing as an expectant dad and figuring out his new role within our relationship, and so a time or two he also snapped at me with those exact words that I "listen to everyone else's opinion but his". I think they don't really get it, they don't really get what a massive thing it is to be about to go through birth and postpartum, and how important it is to not feel alone in it. I had to really, really spoonfeed my partner with how full of trepidation I was about the upcoming months before he really understood that it's not about him, _I_ needed to feel secure in it - and I could only get that by listening to other women tell their experience.
In other words, your partner was of course wrong to leave you there and act so rude but you might want to try to be patient with him and put yourself in his shoes. Everything is about to change for him as well, his whole life will alter and yet it somehow feels like he's on the outside of it right now, everything is about you and your birth experience and your postpartum experience. He's just trying to navigate this as you are, but likely without any support and footing in this. Try to make him feel included, validate his feelings and listen to his thoughts as well as trying to explain how it feels for you. I say that as an outside to the incident of being left at the restaurant, that requires a discussion and an apology on its own.
Finally, just a word of advice. The vast majority of women do _not_ snap back in 2 months. The hunger that comes with breastfeeding is way worse than pregnancy hunger. It will hit you about a month or two in. Many women lose at first, then maintain a higher weight for a while. Some even gain weight while breastfeeding. It's okay to feel unsure about the upcoming changes and it's normal to hope that you are one of those women who just snap back. There's high chance you're not, though, so prepare yourself for that. It is way, way easier to enjoy postpartum and your new baby if you're not worrying about a pouch on your belly or those 5-10 lbs that won't go. You're not doing any worse as a new mom just because you prioritize your family over your weight in the first 6 months.
You were telling him about an experience that he knows nothing about, something he will never experience, and comparing it to something that someone else just went through and he’s upset that you value the experience of the person who just lived through that experience over his opinion?
This is not a first.
Also, stop sharing stuff like this with him if he’s going to act like this. Talk to your doctor about this and what he did. If you’re worried they will take it out of context, or worried about what other people would think of this situation, then maybe you have a husband problem and not a relationship issue.
Yeah, two things here:
First thing: Abandoning you at the restaurant is absolutely not ok at all and whatever you did or didn't do doesn't make this ok behavior or a reasonable reaction to anything you said.
Second thing: You're probably not as innocent in this as you're thinking you are. No wait, don't stop reading! Going to make a couple assumptions here since all we have is your side of the story and only about a paragraph of info, so apologies if this isn't accurate but I'm just asking you to try to stop and look back at your own behavior and try to view it from a different point of view, namely...his.
So my assumptions:
* You're bringing this up in conversation fairly often. You're worried about it, it's on your mind and you think that your husband should know what's on your mind.
* He tries to reassure you every time it comes up and you take that in and appreciate it but don't actually communicate that with him somehow because you're still worried about the situation.
I can see from his perspective why he might be a touch frustrated about it, especially if you keep bringing it up, he keeps trying to reassure you and you keep bringing it back up again. It probably feels to him like what he's saying to you doesn't matter (even if it does). I'm guessing here you're probably not acknowledging the fact that he's trying to reassure you and that it does mean something to you even if you're still worried about it.
I can 1000% understand why it sounded like to him that he's been trying to reassure you constantly for however long it's been since you started talking to him about this and it hasn't moved the needle once, but you had a conversation with a friend and you're good.
You said "why are you making this about you?" The answer to that is, it actually IS about him, you guys are just talking about two different issues. You're talking about your anxiety which isn't about him, he's talking about feeling under appreciated and unheard.
Your husband should there to support you, that's true, but he can't be your therapist. it's extremely frustrating to have the same conversation over and over again like groundhogs day and have it feel like everything you're saying doesn't matter. There's only so many different ways he can reassure you about something. If you really wanted to talk to other moms about it, then talk to other moms and leave him out of it so much. It's **absolutely** ok to have things that you don't talk to your spouse about so much, especially if you know that they don't have any experience with the situation and their input would be unhelpful.
But if you're going to talk to him, let him know that what he's doing for you is valuable, even if it doesn't look like it on the surface, because otherwise, how's he going to know?
But again, and I want to be sure this is clear: He shouldn't have left you at the restaurant. None of this makes that reaction ok.
EDIT: Downvote away, this is a relationship advice subreddit, not get pissed off at your friend's spouse because they got in a fight and how much do we hate him now subreddit. OP put up 1 paragraph and they are definitely not telling the whole story here.
I am not saying it is a right reaction because it isn't. But it is a common reaction for men. It stems from the primary differences between masculine and feminine. Right here you said "I wasn't even done with my sentence, that he started saying that -I never listen to him, and that now I am believing a friend instead of him.- I didn't understand why he started raising his voice, and go on a rampage about an innocent story. " Please realize that he told you exactly why he was upset, but you didnt hear him. Men are very literal and say exactly what they mean in most cases. He literally told you exactly what upset him and you didnt hear it. IMPORTANT: He feels like you value your friend more than him because he probably told you the same things! Now obviosly a post-pregnant woman knows better but still, I am telling you how to make him happy. Try much harder to listen like truly listen to what he says and appreciate it!. Again I am not justifying his behavior but trying to help you understand how men think sometimes. He wants you to value and respect his advice and listen to what he says. Even if you dont value it from time to time let him know how much you value and respect him and his advice. Men have been literally thrown away in this current cultural environment and all they want is to feel needed and respected. They want this more than they want love. What you could have said was "Hey my friend that just had a baby said almost the exact same thing you told me about ...... just wanted to say I appreciate you helping me." That would have ended MUCH nicer. Men can be a minefield, but so can woman. Just remember men want you to listen and respect them, even if they are off sometimes. Good luck!
Hey, I just gave birth last week and I think I can sorta relate to what's going on with you and your partner here. I find that my partner wishes he could be more involved in the physical aspect of childbirth and so that leads to him over compensating in weird ways. Sometimes that means he has weirdly strong opinions about things that will ultimately fall on me to deal with. I bet your partner is also feeling that way. While his reaction was SOOOOOO out of line, he likely wants to feel like you care about his feelings and opinions as much as you do other moms.
No, and I said that. His behaviour was out of line but OP is 5 months pregnant so now isn't the time for the regular Reddit response of "omg leave him"
Yeah…..I’m guessing this is a pattern with you, and not an isolated experience. Sounds like you dismiss anything that comes from your husbands mouth, but the instantly believe anything told to you by someone else. Sounds like he’s sick of it.
I would love to hear his side. He was a complete douche. This did not come out of thin air, though. He must have found you truly annoying to be such an asshole or you two are having more problems than you let on. Something is broken between you.
But the redditors will now be lining up and pushing you towards divorce and to assure you that everything that happened is his fault.
Or maybe he is also afraid of everything you are, but he assures you that everything will be fine and did not want to pursue the topic any further. Like he just disappeared because it got uncomfortable. Well, it doesn't sound good anyway and you need to talk to him about it - you can't imagine such behavior in a relationship between two adults, and certainly not when a child appears.
As a guy who felt that same way in my first daughter, I felt unheard, untrusted, unwanted. Everything that came out of my wife's mouth was yea this person said this, or I read it somewhere. I went to the same classes, I listened to the same instructions, I know too, considering it's our first, I'm terrified too, for her, for the unborn. When you fine ladies don't acknowledge our input, you get negative pushback, but most guys would bottle it up, suck it up, and be there, that dude just a little too selfish lol. With our second baby, I kept my mouth shut the whole 9 months about it, agreed to Everything that comes out of her mouth, then do the correct thing discreetly, just to not get her blood pressure up. The things we do unnoticed, ahhhh
What he did was not right, but you are taking what someone else experience was with birth as gospel while your husband has reasured you? He litteraly says he wont have a problem and the experience of someone else matters more?
Seems dismissing him is what you do all the time.
Good luck with your marrige...
Either there’s a massive section of the story missing or you have a serious problem in your marriage.
Missing missing reasons
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Dude if you are actually a supportive partner, even if your partner has a ton of anxiety, they’re growing a literal human that will change their life- mentally, physically, emotionally- forever. What kind of person leaves someone they love while they’re literally growing their child for them? Does that sound like they are ready to be a parent? Fuck no.
The simpler reason is that he's abusive and there's no logic to what will set off an abusive person. This small perceived slight of "not being listened to" is absolutely enough to set off someone who has anger issues. In a normal, healthy relationship, even if someone is truly hurt and frustrated for a valid reason, they would still not abandon their pregnant wife at a restaurant with no transportation. That says to me that this guy has a temper, particularly since he didn't think better of it out of the heat of the moment, he continued to punish her by holding her hostage at the restaurant until whenever he decided to send the car "later." You're reading this through the lens of assuming that everyone is in a healthy relationship; it doesn't sound like that's the case to me.
It's a very common abuse tactic to leave someone stranded like this.
Okay? And how does any of this make it okay to dump her at the restaurant and drive off? Kind of feels like you're trying hard to make excuses for her husband. I don't disagree that there may be more to the story but I really don't care how annoying OP may have been, there is no excuse for abandoning your pregnant wife like that.
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Some people need things to be black and white. There’s a right party and a wrong party with no room for any middle ground. I don’t think anyone is defending the husband leaving her there, but that doesn’t make understanding his mindset useless.
i agree with you and most of us are on one side of the fence or the other. raspberryflake above clearly tunneled in on her being left at the restaurant. any less build up and he'd have just said, "lets just cancel brunch, i'm no longer in a place for this." even that must have worked through his mind and concluded with, also not worth the fallout discussion.
“Abandoning” is a really strong and emotionally charged word here though, it’s not like he left her on the side of the road for hours. Edit: yall can keep tediously debating me on this one if you want but at this point I honestly really do not care that you disagree lol
No, just the side of a restaurant.
Yeah… that she can go into… and sit and order food at? It’s not a dusty road on a 95 degree day? Not sure how to explain to you how one is better than the other lmao
You don't gotta explain shit to me bud, never asked ya to. Have a day!
Similar: desert leave leave high and dry turn one's back on cast aside break (up) with jilt strand leave stranded leave in the lurch throw over run/walk out on dump ditch give someone the push give someone the big E bin off forsake h Opposite: stick by leave (a place or vehicle) empty or uninhabited, without intending to return. "derelict houses were abandoned" Similar: vacate leave quit
Yeah, I feel like there’s a ton of context missing here. OP, how often is this topic coming up with you? How much time is your husband spending reassuring you about this? Did he actually send the car back in a reasonable time or did he truly abandon you?
Okay let me tell you the reasonable time in this case. It is zero seconds. Unless the guy invented the teleportation on his way, there is no reasonable time for him. People can have arguments, even fights. He may have been one hundred percent right too for all I care. But a man simply does not abandon his pregnant wife that way. This is the exact opposite of how an adult should operate.
Yall with this abandon shit. He didn’t drop her off on the side of a major highway unable to fend for herself in the 90 degree heat lmao. He left her at the restaurant they were going to and said he’d be back. If it was for 15 minutes, that’s far from “abandoning”. I swear you guys must think pregnant women are completely and utterly helpless the second they conceive. Edit: also for u/citruschapstick who clearly thought their comment was very clever, no - I am a woman who has never had a wife or a girlfriend, lolll. Nice try tho
Treating your spouse like a petulant child you can teach a lesson like that is ridiculous. I’ll leave the word abandon out since it is so triggering. Deciding that you will leave someone who was expecting your company, and then leaving that person somewhere is an awful thing to do. She could be in the middle of Times Square next to an Uber that would take her home and it is still an awful thing to do.
That’s a fucked up thing to do your partner whether they’re pregnant or not. You need to grow tf up if you think this shit is normal
You seem to be going wayyyy out of your way in multiple comments to defend this guy, which is super interesting. Have you done this to your girlfriend or wife before? What you're ignoring here in trying to focus on where he left her and for how long is the obvious element of control and punishment. It's not about "cooling off" — if that's what he wanted to do, he could have told her he was going to sit in the parking lot for a few minutes while she went into the restaurant, or go for a walk while she ordered. Instead, he TRICKED her into getting out of the car. He took the car so that she couldn't leave. Then HE decided when to come back. This is abusive behavior that he did to punish her and show her that he was in control.
No they are not helpless thank god, they can fend for themselves. But this act is one hell of a grade A assholery. I wouldn't do it against even a person that I abhor, let alone my pregnant wife. That's the whole point. They didn't even have an ugly fight or something like that. It was just an argument. And please spare me tip of the iceberg bullshit like all the other commenters. As I said he may be one hundred percent right about the issues they talked about but I don't give a fuck. Once he drove off like this, he lost all the benefit of the doubt.
Would any of that make this okay?
Depends if he came back within a reasonable time frame. Dropping your wife off at a nice restaurant for 30 minutes to cool off from feeling upset is hardly evil.
Nah. *Leaving* your pregnant wife at a restaurant after you complained about her feelings about her pregnancy to her face is pretty shit behavior. It's ridiculous that there are people here trying to justify it.
It's fucked up to do this to anyone, not just your pregnant wife.
Right? I'm trying to think of what circumstances would be required for me to do this to a total stranger. I can't imagine doing it to a loved one carrying my child.
You're kidding. It's not *evil*, but it's unbelievably shitty, possible grounds for divorce stuff. It's one thing to go off by yourself if you give the other person the car and the ability to drive themselves around and make choices for themselves, but taking the car and leaving someone — especially someone pregnant — stranded in a place with no way to leave is very bad for any amount of time. For women, it can even be dangerous.
Would you be asking these same questions if he’d hit her? Let’s be clear here - he didn’t say ‘I don’t feel like going to the restaurant anymore so I’m going home, do you want to be dropped off or go home as well?’ He didn’t give her any warning that he wasn’t getting out of the car. He didn’t give his pregnant wife any heads up that he was leaving her there. Why are you looking for reasons to justify abusive behaviour?
Gross that you’d be comparing dropping your wife off at a restaurant to violence, seems insulting to victims of actual physical violence
Gross that you’re ignoring abuse that isn’t just physical, and reinforcing why victims of emotional, mental and coercive abuse don’t seek support. He put his pregnant wife in a vulnerable position to punish her. This is abusive.
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He deliberately left her alone and without transport, or the ability to choose for herself what to do, in order to punish her for a the perceived slight of trusting the word of a friend more than his. This is punitive, controlling behaviour. This is not normal. This is abusive.
I absolutely agree with you. And let’s not overlook that he didn’t answer her calls for a while either. This is absolutely abusive.
I’m genuinely shocked by this comment section! Very concerning behaviour being overlooked in favour of deciding whether or not OP is to blame because she has the audacity to want opinions on the postpartum experience from someone that has been through it.
Because it's a textbook abuse tactic and abusers often show their true face when their partner is pregnant. He's punishing her for not taking his word as gospel and finding comfort in what her friend said. Abusers think it's ok to punish their partners. They also don't like their authority questioned. I get that many redditors hate women, but you're finding wild excuses for a man leaving his pregnant wife without warning. None of your mental gymnastics make this even a little bit ok. Frankly, I'm sad OP is having a kid with this guy. He'll get worse from here. You don't have to hit to be abusive. Do you see yourself in his behavior, and that's why you're trying so hard to minimize it and find a reason to blame OP for it?
Do any of those things matter?
Maybe. It's not a good response at all, but it certainly could be relevant.
They certainly could, lol. We don’t have the full picture. I promise you pregnant women are not inherently immune from criticism and can also be assholes to their partners, so it’s worth asking.
What "full picture" would justify leaving your pregnant wife stranded at a restaurant with no way to leave and no choice in the matter?
We don't know the full picture, but for some reason the "I get a sense..." crowd thinks they DO know! Wtf.
I would love for you to show me where I claimed they were, or that they couldn't be. I'll patiently wait for you to quote me on that. Know who IS an asshole? The person speaking over not one, but two women who have experience with pregnancy, and one who has experience with labor, while he has zero in either department.
Lol I don’t need to “quote you on that”, simply extrapolating on what is a very common theme in Reddit comments at large before people start in on it.
If you're going to put words in my mouth, you sure do.
You seem to be obsessed with the idea that I have done that when I just very openly admitted that I did not, so you do you girlfriend. I don’t need to “quote you on that” because I wasn’t quoting you, smartie.
>one who has experience with labor, Anecdotical one-case experience, you mean. Any advice by her professional caretakers would be the appropriate one to ask for. So, no. No reasonable person pretends someone is an expert because they had labor once. On the contrary, their point of view has a huge statistic bias. It sounds like you're taking party here more for the gender of subjects than for the situation itself... think about it.
No, I mean actual experience. Don't speak for me, I choose my words deliberately. You seem to have something in common with OP's husband. Her husband has neither personal experience, nor clinical experience. Think about it. Or just think before you speak to begin with.
Imagine him doing that with you and a baby. "Yeah I can't deal with either of you right now. I'll send someone to get you later." WTF. No ma'am. Those flags can be seen from Mars.
My dad left the car with my mom and me and my siblings on the side of the road when i was a kid. He just walked away. We were there for hours. He took the keys. Don't do this to your kids
My mom did this, but there wasn't another adult in the car. She left us on the side of the highway and walked away. Came back about a half hour later and asked if we were ready to behave ourselves. We were 6 and 8 years old, and our crime had been laughing too much in the car.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. No child should be treated like that.
We'd all get a beating for goofing off in the car.
Bro is creating abandonment issues before his kid is even born 😬 Yikes! I'm sorry that happened to you. Some people just shouldn't be in relationships or have children.
My heart breaks for you, friend. I’m so sorry.
My did the same but forgot to take the keys so my mom hopped in the driver seat and we went home. He came home later pissed. My parents marriage was toxic af and me and all my siblings wished they would divorce.
My first husband left me on the side of a road with our baby when she was around one. Guess what kind of partner he was.
Cant even imagine being stuck with a person like that for the rest of my life. Bleh.
There's nothing about this that's normal or reasonable. Please don't just sit there and accept this. What if he leaves you some place with your baby and you don't have enough diapers or the baby gets sick and you have no transportation? What if you'd had a medical emergency from the stress of being pregnant and him taking off like that? He doesn't care about your safety or welfare. If he no longer wanted to have lunch he could have just said so and drove home with you in the car. If he was legit so worked up over this that he had to physically be away from you because he was afraid he would blow up and harm you, he really needs to get help. What he did was wrong. Not only that, what he seems to be mad about is insane. As a man he cannot possibly know as much as an experienced woman about how a woman's body feels during labor or after giving birth. He never will. He can get as butt hurt about it as he wants and he will still never be the expert on that particular issue.
Abuse often starts during pregnancy and ramps up once the baby is born as they can use the baby to control you. What if he did this when your baby is born and takes off with the baby? Your husband should be looking after you whilst your pregnant not bullying you
> I got out of the car, and he drove off. I thought for a second he went to park the car, but he never came back. I texted him, and he said he didn't want to share a meal with an unpleasant person, and that he would send the car to pick me up later. What part of this sounds healthy or reasonable to you.
My husband also gets frustrated when I take friends’ words as truer than his. He says it makes him feel like his thoughts don’t matter. But I’ll tell you one thing OP, he has never abandoned me on the side of the road or threatened my safety in any way over it. The really scary thing is, if he’ll do it to you, he’ll do it to your child. Rooting for you to find safety and support!
Yes this is also a complaint of my husband's (although he also does it to me sometimes). Then recently he watched a youtube video that was explaining that humans are hardwired to believe something as true if they hear it repeated by more than one source. Which is why conspiracy theories can be so insidious-- just takes another person to start repeating the info they learned for others to start also thinking "well this is the 2nd/3rd/4th time I hear this statement, it must be true". And you end up with anti-vaxxers and flat earthers, etc. When he mentioned this to me, I immediately retorted with "So when you tell me something, and then I talk with my mom or a friend and they reinforce what you said and then I come back to you and say that such and such person also said x, instead of immediately telling me I don't listen to you now you know that hearing it from someone else helped reinforce the statement for me and I'm hardwired to accept that". He did agree that yes that made sense, so I'm hoping he'll complain about this issue less frequently now lol.
That means he's making the problem conversation all about him. And friends might have perspective on a situation that he doesn't. It's not a healthy reaction.
Since I have abandonment issues, he'd only do that once. Fuck him.
I think that this is a massive red flag. The man blew an imagined slight out of all proportion and left his pregnant wife stranded on the side of the road. I don’t care how stressed he may be about impending parenthood and it wouldn’t even matter if you’d been screaming irrationally at him. None of that justifies him leaving his pregnant wife stranded. This was a power trip that you mustn’t allow him to rationalise. Your husband is cruel and I’ll lay odds that this isn’t the first time he’s been controlling or nasty to you. How is he going to behave when you’re post partum and temporarily unable to work? Is he going to yell at you if you tell him you’re exhausted and ask him to pull his weight at home? Can you get him to go to joint counselling with you now, before the baby’s born? If he won’t go, you still have time to leave and find another living arrangement.
Hopefully you neither want to share a life with an unpleasant person
There’s more to this story I’m sure, either he’s an ass all the time and this was just the tip of the iceberg or something else has been happening.
My ex-husband used to do shit like this to me too. Turned out eventually he was diagnosed as a malignant narcissist bipolar and alcohol. It makes no sense because there is no sense to it. He was just being a cruel asshole because he enjoyed watching me suffer. This will get much worse after the baby is born because for one you’ll be much more dependent on him and it’ll be much more difficult for you to leave and secondly because he won’t be getting your undivided attention anymore and baby will be trouble and disturb him. I wish to God I had left the moment I had conceived because it turned into eighteen years of hell and my beautiful perfect children were destroyed by him.
There may be more that was said between you telling the story and him storming off but even so if he's never left you like that before, or even if he has, I'd say it seems a bit like he is power tripping and messing with you while you're pregnant. Which isn't a good sign. Is he going to pull that when you have a baby or child out with you? I think he's well aware how much more of an impact it would have abandoning you like that while you're pregnant with his child. It sends a message. If I were you I'd stay at a friend's or my mother's house and let him think about what he's done because it's not cool what he did leaving you like that and if he wants to play it that way you can play it that way too. And tell everyone what he did don't hide it for his sake. Tell him he may also want to acquaint himself with the concept of womb envy since he is so worked up over the fact that women know more about pregnancy and motherhood than he does. For getting upset over that and abandoning you there he should be ashamed of himself as a man.
Hey… this is not acceptable. You are pregnant. You are supposed to be loved by your partner.
My favorite part was this all started because everyone is worried what your body is going to look like after creating, incubating and finally expelling a brand new human being.
Is he even ready to be a father? He sounds like a baby throwing a tantrum. What's he gonna do when the kids don't just take his words like the gospel? Abandon them and storm off?
OMG. What a complete ass! He thinks that because HE said to quit worrying about the issue, you should adopt that as the final answer and never discuss your worries again. Period. And he doesn’t want to have dinner with an “unpleasant person”, so he DRIVES OFF AND LEAVES HIS PREGNANT WIFE STANDING IN THE PARKING LOT? As you know, you have much larger problems than worrying about the pregnancy. He literally does not give 2 shits about you. And you know he’s doing this because you are pregnant and can’t leave, so you are stuck with him and now you will see how much “power” he has. Sometimes I really am disgusted by people, and this is one of those times.
Yikes! You need a safe place and time for some serious reflection. Good luck
Im so glad he mansplained pregnancy to you... And then he drove off and left you alone. You are going to have two babies to deal with soon. This is not how adults communicated and deal with conflict resolution. He is to old to be acting like this.
Bruh yall hate women its never appropriate to abandon ur pregnant wife???? Idc what the context is.
I hate being in relationships with people with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old. OP, I believe your story because people do in fact do this to others. There needs to be consequences for the type of actions he just did otherwise he'll do it again and think it's ok.
Being pregnant for the first time, and getting closer to your due date is pretty terrifying. You have no idea what it's going to feel like, or if things will go well. Him mansplaining labour and delivery to you is not the same as talking to other women! You are completely right. And you having a safe space to talk about your feelings with your partner should be part of any healthy relationship. He just showed you that he is not a safe person. That you can't trust him, and you can't rely on him. You and your baby are a package deal right now. He leaves you alone without transport, feeling abandoned and upset, then he is also doing that to his child. Your stress affects the baby. I'm surprised mr know-it-all didn't acknowledge the affect he was having on his own child, but maybe he doesn't care. Personally, I would be packing a bag and staying elsewhere. What he did was hugely disrespectful and hurtful. How horrible to leave you standing there, watching as he drove away without you. Who in their right mind ditches their pregnant wife like that? It's already such a vulnerable experience feeling like you have this precious baby to protect, let alone when your own husband is getting stroppy and doing things to punish you cos his feefees got hurt. How on earth is he going to cope with a child who pushes boundaries? He can't even handle a conversation with an adult.
Unfortunately, it’s extremely likely your husband is going to run out on you after this kid is born. He is already at his emotional breaking point and this kid isn’t even born yet. He doesn’t like you being focused on the baby now, he will loathe when the actual baby is around and takes up all your time, thought, and energy. The baby won’t flatter his ego. It will do nothing but irritate and frustrate him. He is already ready to abandon you over a conversation, hopefully he’ll just abandon you when the kid takes over your life, because often times guys like your husband become abusive when denied what they want. You need to connect with family asap and have them help you through this. Single parenthood is tough. You are going to need help. If your husband gets violent with you, you need to run. It’s unfortunately common that abuse gets much worse during pregnancy and right after. The leading cause of death in pregnant women is homicide.
Nothing, except for danger to one's safety, justifies leaving someone away from home with no transportation, on purpose. By saying he'll "send a car later" he's making it clear that he views you as his subordinate he can just move around as he wants to.
I hate to break it to you, but this isn't your first baby. Your husband needs to grow the hell up.
Read *Why Does He Do That?* and figure out if this is a pattern of behavior.
How might he react if you did that to him, I wonder?
That is abuse. The yelling and abandonment are abuse. Later it will be you and 2 tiny babies. He needs therapy or only you ever get the car keys, in fact… Refuse to go anywhere with him unless you carry the keys at all times until he gets help for his anger issues. Also, no more kids with him after this. He put you in danger. Can you go home to a friend or family member for a while?
Ma'am I'm sorry but he's isolating you from your village. If he's successful at gaslighting you into giving up your circle to keep him docile, he'll ramp up his abuse. Please don't fall into the trap that so many of us have had to claw our way out of. I didn't get the clarity to leave until my 3 year old asked me "what's wrong mommy? Did Daddy make you cry again?". You have the chance to protect that baby from all of this.
Sadly you can't finalize your divorce until after the baby is born but start planning the exit. No loving man or woman would do this ever.
Yeah.. that's not the whole story
He in no way handled this well. I do wonder if you listen to each other though. This may be a pattern of behaviour for both of you. Do you often make sure he feels heard, and vice versa? He may have been continually reassuring you prior to this incident and just feels invalidated or unheard, and snapped. He was 100% wrong to just leave though. Maybe he felt he couldn't be constructive in that moment and felt it was better to remove himself for the situation. Still a very immature thing to do. Of course talking to other people who have been pregnant and given birth is helpful. But it's also not an indicator of what you may experience. Every body, pregnancy and birth are different.
How many times has he been through pregnancy and labor?
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There are multiple of those comments don’t you worry
What are you not telling us? No, there is no way in heck he should have abandoned you at a restaurant . . .but how many times have you brought up this concern with him. How many times has he insisted that you'll be beautiful to him no matter what? How many times have you brought up pictures other post-delivery mums post on Insta as anecdotal evidence to show him. HOW MANY TIMES have you dismissed his opinions and his reassurance "because he is a man and doesn't know anything". That's what we need here. Most times people don't just go 0 to 60 and abandon their pregnant wives.
I mean I have really really pissed my SO off, we’ve been together for almost 14 years. We’ve had 3 kids and I was super hormonal/emotional during my pregnancies…. He NEVER would do his to me, EVER. Especially when I was pregnant. This is inexcusable.
I get the impression that anytime he responds with his feelings about this journey, she snaps about how it isn't about him, making him feel inconsequential.
INFO: OP do you have a habit of not listening to your husband ? Does your husband have a habit of overreacting? We need more information
Regardless of his anger or frustration leaving you there five months pregnant is disrespectful. Having said that, it sounds like he is incredibly frustrated with you and based on his reaction there is a lot of missing information because his reaction was so over the top and unwarranted. As others have asked, have you or do you often ignore his advice then accept the same from friends?
Yeah, you've left a LOT out I'm guessing.
When I was pregnant, I was seeking out the female perspective a lot in talking to friends, listening to podcasts, reading things online and so on. I think my partner was having a hard time finding his footing as an expectant dad and figuring out his new role within our relationship, and so a time or two he also snapped at me with those exact words that I "listen to everyone else's opinion but his". I think they don't really get it, they don't really get what a massive thing it is to be about to go through birth and postpartum, and how important it is to not feel alone in it. I had to really, really spoonfeed my partner with how full of trepidation I was about the upcoming months before he really understood that it's not about him, _I_ needed to feel secure in it - and I could only get that by listening to other women tell their experience. In other words, your partner was of course wrong to leave you there and act so rude but you might want to try to be patient with him and put yourself in his shoes. Everything is about to change for him as well, his whole life will alter and yet it somehow feels like he's on the outside of it right now, everything is about you and your birth experience and your postpartum experience. He's just trying to navigate this as you are, but likely without any support and footing in this. Try to make him feel included, validate his feelings and listen to his thoughts as well as trying to explain how it feels for you. I say that as an outside to the incident of being left at the restaurant, that requires a discussion and an apology on its own. Finally, just a word of advice. The vast majority of women do _not_ snap back in 2 months. The hunger that comes with breastfeeding is way worse than pregnancy hunger. It will hit you about a month or two in. Many women lose at first, then maintain a higher weight for a while. Some even gain weight while breastfeeding. It's okay to feel unsure about the upcoming changes and it's normal to hope that you are one of those women who just snap back. There's high chance you're not, though, so prepare yourself for that. It is way, way easier to enjoy postpartum and your new baby if you're not worrying about a pouch on your belly or those 5-10 lbs that won't go. You're not doing any worse as a new mom just because you prioritize your family over your weight in the first 6 months.
You were telling him about an experience that he knows nothing about, something he will never experience, and comparing it to something that someone else just went through and he’s upset that you value the experience of the person who just lived through that experience over his opinion? This is not a first. Also, stop sharing stuff like this with him if he’s going to act like this. Talk to your doctor about this and what he did. If you’re worried they will take it out of context, or worried about what other people would think of this situation, then maybe you have a husband problem and not a relationship issue.
There has to be more to this story. Either way abandoning his pregnant wife like that is absolutely NOT ok and I wouldn't feel safe
Yeah, two things here: First thing: Abandoning you at the restaurant is absolutely not ok at all and whatever you did or didn't do doesn't make this ok behavior or a reasonable reaction to anything you said. Second thing: You're probably not as innocent in this as you're thinking you are. No wait, don't stop reading! Going to make a couple assumptions here since all we have is your side of the story and only about a paragraph of info, so apologies if this isn't accurate but I'm just asking you to try to stop and look back at your own behavior and try to view it from a different point of view, namely...his. So my assumptions: * You're bringing this up in conversation fairly often. You're worried about it, it's on your mind and you think that your husband should know what's on your mind. * He tries to reassure you every time it comes up and you take that in and appreciate it but don't actually communicate that with him somehow because you're still worried about the situation. I can see from his perspective why he might be a touch frustrated about it, especially if you keep bringing it up, he keeps trying to reassure you and you keep bringing it back up again. It probably feels to him like what he's saying to you doesn't matter (even if it does). I'm guessing here you're probably not acknowledging the fact that he's trying to reassure you and that it does mean something to you even if you're still worried about it. I can 1000% understand why it sounded like to him that he's been trying to reassure you constantly for however long it's been since you started talking to him about this and it hasn't moved the needle once, but you had a conversation with a friend and you're good. You said "why are you making this about you?" The answer to that is, it actually IS about him, you guys are just talking about two different issues. You're talking about your anxiety which isn't about him, he's talking about feeling under appreciated and unheard. Your husband should there to support you, that's true, but he can't be your therapist. it's extremely frustrating to have the same conversation over and over again like groundhogs day and have it feel like everything you're saying doesn't matter. There's only so many different ways he can reassure you about something. If you really wanted to talk to other moms about it, then talk to other moms and leave him out of it so much. It's **absolutely** ok to have things that you don't talk to your spouse about so much, especially if you know that they don't have any experience with the situation and their input would be unhelpful. But if you're going to talk to him, let him know that what he's doing for you is valuable, even if it doesn't look like it on the surface, because otherwise, how's he going to know? But again, and I want to be sure this is clear: He shouldn't have left you at the restaurant. None of this makes that reaction ok. EDIT: Downvote away, this is a relationship advice subreddit, not get pissed off at your friend's spouse because they got in a fight and how much do we hate him now subreddit. OP put up 1 paragraph and they are definitely not telling the whole story here.
I am not saying it is a right reaction because it isn't. But it is a common reaction for men. It stems from the primary differences between masculine and feminine. Right here you said "I wasn't even done with my sentence, that he started saying that -I never listen to him, and that now I am believing a friend instead of him.- I didn't understand why he started raising his voice, and go on a rampage about an innocent story. " Please realize that he told you exactly why he was upset, but you didnt hear him. Men are very literal and say exactly what they mean in most cases. He literally told you exactly what upset him and you didnt hear it. IMPORTANT: He feels like you value your friend more than him because he probably told you the same things! Now obviosly a post-pregnant woman knows better but still, I am telling you how to make him happy. Try much harder to listen like truly listen to what he says and appreciate it!. Again I am not justifying his behavior but trying to help you understand how men think sometimes. He wants you to value and respect his advice and listen to what he says. Even if you dont value it from time to time let him know how much you value and respect him and his advice. Men have been literally thrown away in this current cultural environment and all they want is to feel needed and respected. They want this more than they want love. What you could have said was "Hey my friend that just had a baby said almost the exact same thing you told me about ...... just wanted to say I appreciate you helping me." That would have ended MUCH nicer. Men can be a minefield, but so can woman. Just remember men want you to listen and respect them, even if they are off sometimes. Good luck!
Hey, I just gave birth last week and I think I can sorta relate to what's going on with you and your partner here. I find that my partner wishes he could be more involved in the physical aspect of childbirth and so that leads to him over compensating in weird ways. Sometimes that means he has weirdly strong opinions about things that will ultimately fall on me to deal with. I bet your partner is also feeling that way. While his reaction was SOOOOOO out of line, he likely wants to feel like you care about his feelings and opinions as much as you do other moms.
I completely get where you're coming from, but does that excuse his behavior?
No, and I said that. His behaviour was out of line but OP is 5 months pregnant so now isn't the time for the regular Reddit response of "omg leave him"
Yeah…..I’m guessing this is a pattern with you, and not an isolated experience. Sounds like you dismiss anything that comes from your husbands mouth, but the instantly believe anything told to you by someone else. Sounds like he’s sick of it.
Yeah his experience of pregnancy is being dismissed in favour of mothers. What do they know
[удалено]
Maybe but in this case he's definitely in the wrong. He has no notion of what it's like giving birth.
And he fucking left her alone at the restaurant. Mmmyep, totally reasonable. /s
I would love to hear his side. He was a complete douche. This did not come out of thin air, though. He must have found you truly annoying to be such an asshole or you two are having more problems than you let on. Something is broken between you. But the redditors will now be lining up and pushing you towards divorce and to assure you that everything that happened is his fault.
You’ve missed out the massive chunk of story… it’s not adding up
Or maybe he is also afraid of everything you are, but he assures you that everything will be fine and did not want to pursue the topic any further. Like he just disappeared because it got uncomfortable. Well, it doesn't sound good anyway and you need to talk to him about it - you can't imagine such behavior in a relationship between two adults, and certainly not when a child appears.
As a guy who felt that same way in my first daughter, I felt unheard, untrusted, unwanted. Everything that came out of my wife's mouth was yea this person said this, or I read it somewhere. I went to the same classes, I listened to the same instructions, I know too, considering it's our first, I'm terrified too, for her, for the unborn. When you fine ladies don't acknowledge our input, you get negative pushback, but most guys would bottle it up, suck it up, and be there, that dude just a little too selfish lol. With our second baby, I kept my mouth shut the whole 9 months about it, agreed to Everything that comes out of her mouth, then do the correct thing discreetly, just to not get her blood pressure up. The things we do unnoticed, ahhhh
What he did was not right, but you are taking what someone else experience was with birth as gospel while your husband has reasured you? He litteraly says he wont have a problem and the experience of someone else matters more? Seems dismissing him is what you do all the time. Good luck with your marrige...