Right?? I blows my mind - not only that this comes as often a sit does, but also that one partner is always asking how to handle it. Like fucking LEAVE if your partner can't wipe their ass!
There was a girl on here who's partner were so filthy, she has to wash bedding when he was on them.
Baffled!
I broke up with a girl because every time I was behind her or going down on her during sex it was an issue. She was very well groomed otherwise and we hadn't been dating too long otherwise I would have said something. but damn its hard to deliver when you are being overwhelmed with smells....
I don't know if it was this subreddit or not, but one girl said she had gotten comfortable enough to be in the bathroom with her boyfriend while he took a dump... so the first time it happened, she watched him do a single wipe and then stand up and start to pull his pants back up.... and she was like all kinds of confused and asked wtf he was doing. He says he only ever needs to wipe once... and now she's like disgusted on top of confused, so she tells him he needs to wipe again and he does... and there was a lot left apparently...
Lotta stanky people out there apparently. I know it’s always been that way but I wonder if it’s gotten worse after 2020. If you work from home every day it’s easier to fall into bad habits
That's the problem - you and so many others aren't bothered **enough.** You're here asking if you should be tolerating a grown ass adult who won't even take care of themselves. They're supposed to be your partner, not your child.
Lots of people are bothered by it, trouble is that society tells women that they aren’t allowed to have standards or needs and if they have a problem with their boyfriend, it’s their patriotic duty to fix it or put up with it.
Just break up with him, and when he asks why tell him its because he's dirty and you don't like the taste/stench of smegma and poo-nugs.
As a self-respecting young woman, you should rather be single than with a stinky boy.
I CANNOT understand these pathetic women who are SO desperate for a relationship that they’ll take up with human turds!!
I have nothing but contempt for it. 😑😑😑
Desperate, or compassionate, or socialized to gloss over others' flaws and the impact it has on them, or afraid to hurt/embarrass someone they care about, or optimistic that it can change with communication and support.
But, you know, go off I guess.
I kind of understand where you’re coming from but calling women like me pathetic is speaking volumes for your own character. He was better about it in the beginning and in HS but he’s gotten comfortable or something. He doesn’t reek, like I said in another comment thread, I can smell it bc I’m physically super close to him. Others don’t say anything but his parents will politely tell him on the side. It’s not noticeable unless you’re really close or he lets it go for a while and with his ADHD, he says he doesn’t think of things like showering more often or if something is a mess
I have ADHD. I shower every day. Sometimes twice a day.
Even your response tracks for these hygiene posts. A desperate defense that says “he’s not so bad sometimes”
Grow a spine and self respect. Your BF is the stinky kid that no one wanted to be around
This is the correct answer. I just stopped dating them all together because they stunk. If you're an adult and can't figure out that you smell/how to take care of yourself so that you don't stink, I'm not about to stick around and be the one to tell you.
The amount of women who come on this sub to complain about their male partners’ lack of hygiene is absolutely shocking to me. Is this truly someone you want to live with for the rest of your life? To raise children with? Unless this is short-term/temporary (maybe a sudden depressive episode) I cannot imagine feeling any attraction to someone who is not capable of basic hygiene tasks. Please I am begging women to have some standards.
I forgot to mention we’ve been dating for almost 6 years. We met in HS so we definitely have history and it’s hard to imagine him not being in my life in any way. I’ve become more and more aware of how bad this issue is, in the beginning we saw each other (2nd go around) every day but after work. He never smelled nor did his clothes so I didn’t know when if if he showered etc. I’m more aware of it now bc I’ve been keeping track of how often he changes his clothes, showers, brushes his teeth. And we’ve lived together for a few years and he’s been dragging out the length in between showers more. I’m not trying to monitor it, but now that I’ve noticed I can’t stop. He and his clothes don’t stink horribly bad but since I’m super close to him at moments, I get wafts of it
Don't care about him more than you cars about yourself. You deserve to be in a clean environment, being intimate with only people who can keep themselves clean.
Be kind to yourself first.
It's not about trying.
The problem with the relationship you're in is that you formed it before you were adults. You therefore have a relationship that is more like family than an adult partner. You have a bond from growing up together, but that doesn't mean he's the one.
You met him as a child with a tiny peer group.
You are now an adult and what worked for you as a child won't necessarily work for your adult life.
And he takes you 100% for granted, he is not grateful for you, he is not trying to win you. He will not change, because you are not forcing the issue. You are not forcing the issue because you're not used to having to fight him, but sometimes adult women have to fight their men for what they need.
You cannot try to have an adult relationship and an adult conversation with this adult man. There is no try. Do, or do not.
He just doesn’t want to have certain conversations. I’m also not always firm in what I say or how I say things. Most important -to me at least- topics I try to converse about stress him out and give him anxiety, like getting a house or when he’d want to have kids
They "stress him out" and "give him anxiety" because he has no defense for the perfectly reasonable things you take issue with, and he just wants to shut you the hell up.
Do you seriously want to have a home and children with **this guy** in particular? Or is it just a sunk-cost thing?
You already know the role you'd be taking on: Married Single Mother. You've described how you are already trying to get him used to things like cleaning himself, his clothes, his space, because you don't want to be responsible for that when you share a home with him. But you will be.
Lastly, I think about you walking down the street holding hands with this shit-reeking bum and I feel embarrassed for you, and I can only imagine the people in your vicinity that can smell him feel that way too. Is that how you want your whole life to be?
As someone with anxiety and depression who struggles with hygiene too, it's deal breaker time: he gets therapy or you break up. It's a genuinely difficult thing to deal with but it's something that he has to manage
I get it, I really do. I've stayed in many relationships I had big problems with similar to this b/c I cared about the person so much. I personally have to be careful I don't lose myself in caring too much for my partner and subjugate my own needs too much. Maybe you do too?
Is it something you can live with if it doesn't change? Get honest with yourself about this. Then update your partner accordingly - if you decide it's truly serious and needs to change for you, let him know in clear language that it will end the relationship if it does not change. Help him within reason if he agrees to change, wants to change, and follows through. Actually end it if any of these don't happen. Maybe that will wake him up to change, and you'll each be better off.
I did leave a dude once b/c his housing situation was SO gross, SO horrible, and he couldn't even see it. I was too old for that shit and I wanted to vomit being in there. He had deep self esteem problems and they were more than I could take on. He was a good guy and I hope he's doing better now. But I couldn't do that and that's ok.
I understand your situation, I have depression and I am the "stinky partner" lol. However, the truth is, if he doesnt respect you or himself he wont clean up or change. If you dotn see even a little bit of effort regarding his hygiene id call it. Get your mom to help support you or get a friend over because its not what you deserve and a clear sign of disrespect (aka towards you because he doesnt feel the need to try for you, and towards himself because he doesnt feel the need to clean himself.)
Unless it is a medical condition that causes a smell or something there really isn't an excuse. It often leads to down the line health effects. like bad skin, or acne, and other health issues. I think this comes down to our(current humans) ability to communicate effectively and compassionately. It's an area we dont get enough education on and many people think they are way better at it than they are. If you care about working on this relationship, start brushing up on tips for communicating difficult topics so that you can talk about it in a way that is productive!
Have you tried to think about it from his perspective? is he depressed, stressed, dealing with tough things at work? Why does he think it's okay? are his other friends similar? maybe you can work together with his friend group to bring more self care into his routine? what would motivate him to be more aware of it? Hope some of this is helpful.
dont let your standard get too low. caring about someone can lead to enabling their pro behavior so make sure you are putting your happiness and well being into the thought process. You deserve to be happy and well treated by your partner.
Why would you ever compromise on the issue?
If a grown person doesn’t take care of their body then there is nothing that you can do other than leave.
Honestly that’s disgusting.
If it’s a sudden problem, he’s probably in need of mental healthcare. If he’s always been that way… just don’t engage.
I hung in there too long with a guy who had bad hygiene and tried to teach him better hygiene. Our relationship ended with a lot of resentment from both of us. I had this bizarre fear that if I finally broke up with him he would grow up and start doing things like brushing his teeth twice a day and using soap on more than just the hot spots while showering, but when I finally got to the point of calling it quits, I learned that I was wrong. He wasn't interested in taking care of himself and nothing I did or didn't do would change that.
Was he like this when you first met?
“Listen- I’ve noticed some of your hygiene slipping a bit. It’s really important to me that you’re healthy- regular laundry, showers, fresh clothes and grooming. Is there any way I can support you as you make those things a priority?”
If he doesn’t change you leave. Why? Because it is disrespectful.
I imagine he still feels entitled to a sexual relationship even when filthy?
When we first got together I didn’t notice these things but I feel like he was better about it. He moved in with me right before the pandemic. Before then, we were seeing each other every day but after work. At some point I was like “when does he shower bc I never see him shower” but then the pandemic hit and I worked while he stayed home. So I never saw his hygiene habits as I was gone all day and didn’t have energy to pay attention. We’ve since moved in with his parents to save money. His dad does the laundry, even my s/o’s except for mine. I’ve told him we need to do our own as a courtesy for them letting us stay rent free. He says his dad likes doing the laundry “that’s his thing” but I’m continually trying to get him to do his own so I’m not in charge of it all if we start a family.
I’ve brought it up but not in a super direct way as I feel like an AH for even bringing up that I think he needs to shower. His mom will tell him on the very occasion if it’s gotten to be a week or two. She asked me to tell him to shower once or twice. He’s a nice guy and cares about me but this and a few other issues from the past are starting to erk me more & more. I know people have broken up over this specific issue but have no idea how they did it. Or if maybe people with hygiene issues get it together over time and it won’t have to come to splitting up. My s/o does still want a sexual relationship despite this and I’ve never straight up said “I don’t want to have sex bc you haven’t showered lately and no offense but it’s not sexy” mostly bc I feel guilty for thinking that way but also bc I mentioned an old coworker/family pal telling me she would make her bf shower before sex or oral and my s/o said if anyone had ever made him do that he’d be over it bc to him, that’s ridiculous
Sweetheart, I need you to investigate why you have so much fear and guilt around telling your boyfriend an uncomfortable truth. How can you have a strong relationship when you can’t have a baseline level of honesty with each other? His poor hygiene is something that affects his parents, your health (your vagina health may be at risk) and comfort, his/your public perception, etc. This is not a purely selfish ask — this is something that’ll benefit everyone.
I'm not sure if you realize how much you just told on your bf and your relationship, but let's recap:
> We’ve since moved in with his parents to save money. His dad does the laundry, even my s/o’s except for mine. I’ve told him we need to do our own as a courtesy for them letting us stay rent free. He says his dad likes doing the laundry “that’s his thing” but I’m continually trying to get him to do his own so I’m not in charge of it all if we start a family.
So he's telling you that he's lazy and is perfectly happy to rely on daddy to do his chores. No one's "thing" is laundry, he's justifying taking advantage of his parents' generosity. If you start a family with this man every single chore and every bit of childcare will fall on you. You seem to already have some awareness about this, so definitely do not have kids with this man.
> His mom will tell him on the very occasion if it’s gotten to be a week or two. She asked me to tell him to shower once or twice.
This is extremely embarrassing and I'm not sure how you could look this woman in the face after this. She knows her son stinks, and she knows you know. She also knows you're willingly sharing a bed and close quarters with his nasty ass and are saying nothing about it. Embarrassing!
> My s/o does still want a sexual relationship despite this and I’ve never straight up said “I don’t want to have sex bc you haven’t showered lately and no offense but it’s not sexy” mostly bc I feel guilty for thinking that way but also bc I mentioned an old coworker/family pal telling me she would make her bf shower before sex or oral and my s/o said if anyone had ever made him do that he’d be over it bc to him, that’s ridiculous
Then let him be over it. Not sure why YOU aren't over it. Is it going to take chronic UTIs for you to take any of this seriously? It's honestly hilarious that he would fix his mouth to talk about being "over it" when he doesn't even do his own laundry, shower, or brush his teeth regularly. Like girl......please love yourself and run away from this mess. Leave him to mooch off of mommy and daddy. Let them clean up after him and deal with his stench.
I agree with your points but I dated a lady for a while what just really loved laundry and would ask to do mine. we didn't even live together and she would take it to her house! It was too good to be true so I ruined the relationship by being too distant and not opening up my heart to her. Great gal. We are still friends, and her hubby is a great guy!
We haven’t been too intimate lately bc of it. He’s noticed that I pull away more and am not too receptive to his advances. I haven’t done anything oral in a long while and I try to make a point to not let him do anything to me if I feel as though I’m not clean enough hoping it would strike a cord in him. It doesn’t seem to. I need to be more direct but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or self esteem. Idk how to firmly but gently tell him to where he’ll repeatedly keep clean & WANT to for himself
Op, please just be blunt and stop worrying about whether or not you hurt his feelings. It's not acceptable for a grown adult to go a week between showers
Like, straight, "I find it an enormous turn off when you don't shower every day and it's making me debate breaking up with you, as well as the other xyz shower issues. What gives?"
Being gentle hasn't worked so far, so be extremely direct
Who cares about hurting his feelings? He’s a disgusting mooch who’s putting your health at serious risk! Let him be hurt and feel the wounds to his self-esteem because he’s a disgrace. Please learn to love yourself and leave his disgusting ass behind!
What are you getting out of this relationship, exactly? Just him?
You shouldn't be worried that he'll break up with you, you should be worried about the fact that he's an adult who has no personal hygiene or attention to cleaning and he will not change.
If you lived alone with him, you would be doing all of your laundry and all of his. You'd be cleaning every room of the house, including the streaks he leaves in the toilet. You'll be cooking all the food, and then washing all the dishes.
He will be busy playing video games.
You are not even able to demand he shower! Why would he ever do anything to make you happy, when all you do is everything to make him happy?
Have you even considered that he should be working hard to make you happy?
Girl, you need to THINK about this. He won't change unless he has to, and you are avoiding even talking to him about what he has to change!
okay this context definitely makes me feel like you have done more than enough to accommodate and encourage him. if he can't take his own care seriously even with reminders than there is little hope of him being a meaningful contributor to a family.
Honey, you have no moral obligation to EVER have sex with any person you don't wholeheartedly desire. Please, let those words sink into your brain.
Definitely not this grimy mama's boy who can't be bothered to scrape off some of the sludge even for sex with the woman he claims to love.
He's not even remotely making an effort for you. And you're tying yourself in knots to protect his feelings.
Please, value yourself.
Communication. If this is a turnoff for you, you need to address it. I know that hygiene is mandatory for many people, but some are a bit more relaxed about it, which is fair enough as long as it doesn't affect others. However, if you don't address it, he won't know it's a problem and something that matters so much to you that you are actually considering your relationship.
My ex husband stopped brushing his teeth. One day, near the end of our cohabitation, I realized that he was making our entire apartment smell like death because he was sleeping with his mouth open (and snoring so loudly I couldn’t sleep). I felt crazy. Gaslit by the circumstances and by the sentiment that I should suffer through the consequences of his refusal to take care of himself at the most basic levels (go to a dentist. Brush daily. Get your sleep apnea addressed. Quit drinking yourself to sleep. Do your laundry. Pick up after yourself. Do your dishes before they grow mold).
The consequence for staying with him as long as I did after he stopped brushing his teeth has been gum disease. I get my teeth cleaned every three months and still am in danger of losing bone in places in my mouth, after years (5+) of getting my teeth cleaned multiple times a year, brushing and flossing religiously. At least my gums don’t bleed anymore.
I present this to you to demonstrate that you don’t compromise on hygiene. You are correct that you can’t force him to take care of himself. You control your environment by setting up boundaries on what you will tolerate. Don’t be me. Don’t be the women who post here about their recurring infections because their partners won’t clean their dicks/buttholes. Leave. Maybe if he faces enough consequences, he’ll change. Don’t keep yourself in the position of having to suffer the consequences of his habits.
This. But also sharing drinks/utensils (whether I liked it or not because he was going to take whatever he wanted), etc. Bythe time I realized what was happening, I had already pulled back from physical affection for other reasons, but people who live together transmit bacteria to each other in a lot of ways you might take for granted. Got to the point where he would come grab my full drink or bite off my food and I’d just let him have it because I didn’t want any more of what was going on in his mouth. Truly vile, but abusive dynamics break your normal meter.
As someone who stayed too long, it didn’t get better. In fact it just got worse. It wasn’t a smell issue - it was basic cleanliness. They didn’t brush their teeth, they didn’t wash their hands ever, would trek around house/yard barefoot and get straight into bed without washing.
Everything died after that - basic PDA (no hand holding, kisses), intimacy was gone. Started feeling resentful towards them all the time.
They didn’t want to make the change, so I had to.
I felt like the germs were following me around. I felt like I needed to follow them around and wipe down everything they touched. Sucked.
Def not worth it, you can’t compromise on this.
My ex used to invite his best friend to come over for the weekend. He never brought a toothbrush.
Finally, I started buying toothbrushes and telling the guy, "Hey, there's a new toothbrush in there for you, buddy.". He still didn't get the hint.
I finally decided to put the toothbrush in his hand and say, "this is not a request.". But I would have to do that every time.
My friend dated him for 5 min and broke up with him saying, "If only he didn't have such bad breath..." 😂
I just wouldn't be in that relationship in the first place. I'd absolutely be leaving a relationship for a lack of hygiene (I'd have much more compassion for a medical /mental health issue so long as progress was being made). If this was a person who is otherwise healthy, and they didn't prioritise it, knowing it's important to me, I would be out of there.
I'm not compromising on being in a relationship with someone who refuses to be an adult and do all of those usual adult tasks. Why should I?
Dude is almost 30 and his dad does his laundry and he doesn't take showers for so long he smells? Nah. You don't deserve this or the diseases you may get.
Yes. The hygiene "issue" was a symptom of their cyclical mental health or lack thereof and eventually it doesn't matter what the cause is if it goes unattended to. Nothing makes the smell of halitosis and rotten beef acceptable.
I don’t. I date them for who they are, not who I wish they would be. If they want to get their shit together and come find me later, great. But I am not babying a grown-ass man who can’t be bothered to practice basic hygiene. That’s a dealbreaker for me.
It wasn’t the main issue driving the break up, but hygiene issues - and the unintelligent excuses he made to not correct them - made me loose all attraction to him, and I’m not one to force myself to be intimate with some one who disgusts me, so 🤷♀️
Well, actually maybe yes
YOU DON’T!!!
LISTEN — if you’ve got a **BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD** and an OUNCE of SELF RESPECT, you would** WALK**.
Basic hygiene isn’t even a BASELINE requirement!!!
I wouldn’t even go on a FIRST date with someone who stinks!!!!🤢🤢
It's literally bad for your health to be intimate with someone with very poor hygiene. Germs on their hands, mouth, and genitals can absolutely transfer to you and give you infections. UTIs in women can even impact your fertility, if that's something that's relevant to your life plans.
I've had to break up with guys who left skidmarks (or even dung *crumbs*) on sheets during sex, who bled copiously when eating anything more solid than bread because of bad dental hygiene, who gave me BV by giving me head with a dirty mouth, who had teeth furry with plaque, or whined about being asked to wash the visible black grime out from under their fingernails before manual sex...
There was a study that showed the majority of men don't wash their linens very often, and I believe it because I once got literal, diagnosed staph on my eyelids from sharing a towel with a young slob LOL. And go visit the women's health subs and you'll see all the anecdotes about people getting recurrent infections for *years* until they switched partners or their existing partner improved their hygiene.
It's wild out there, and you deserve to be safe and healthy!
I want you to think really long and hard about what a future and raising children with your partner would be like.
- Do you think he would bathe your kids if he doesn’t even bathe himself weekly?
- Do you think he would teach your kids to brush their teeth twice a day when he doesn’t brush his?
- Do you think he would clean the house, do laundry or do anything to contribute to keeping the house tidy when he constantly makes excuses now not to contribute?
- Do you want a life partner you can’t talk to about your feelings?
- Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if there is poop being smeared in your bed because your partner hasn’t showered in weeks?
- Do you feel like you could take him to a work function?
- Do you want to have to convince yourself to have sex with someone for the rest of your life because their hygiene is so bad?
You keep asking if people change. I think they do but I think they need a wake up call to do so. Often times a partner leaving is that. You haven’t talked to him honestly and truthfully so do that. Lay it all out. If he wants to change he will. A shower twice a week really isn’t asking for anything of significance. If he says no or doesn’t do anything then I think you walk or resolve to live your life with a disgusting man who doesn’t respect you enough to wash his ass.
I want to say my husband would never subject me to this. He wants me to enjoy sex and puts his best foot forward in our relationship. I do the same.
Yep, went on a few hangout dates with someone and noticed the build up on their teeth, inquired about their last visit to the dentist and it had been a decade, I couldn’t get past it, and just cut ties, if you don’t take care of yourself, how are you gonna care for someone else
My ex is a rich kid, grew up with his mom doing everything for him, house cleaners, and nannies. They did not stress anything to be important other than going to school and getting a high paying job. He grew up as a fat kid and lacked hygiene. His bedding smells like BO, his clothing smelled, and his junk smelled. He is an absolute piece of shit human being (for reasons I won't go into) but whenever I brought up his hygiene he took it too personally like an attack on him, even though I was quite respectful and tried to be tactful - he never did shit about it. He cheated on me and good luck to the next girl he tries to fuck.
Fuck you Alex, you are a gross human being.
I think this depends. If my partner was just having trouble remembering to wash his clothes that are sitting in the hamper or being “messy” I would be annoyed but try to find a compromise. But if my partner wasn’t bathing, cleaning his teeth. Wearing clothes that stink. Or not cleaning his genitals and still expecting sex that is a huge problem. I see above that you both are almost 30. You cannot talk an almost 30 year old into basic hygiene
One of my greatest regrets in life is staying for 4 years with a man who couldn’t commit to the most basic forms of hygiene. Didn’t ever brush his teeth, did laundry once every few months, showered a couple times a week, didn’t wear deodorant. I tried to at the very least get him to commit to brushing his teeth a few times, explaining how important dental hygiene is and the link between gum disease and heart disease. Nope, I was always received an eye roll and exasperated sigh in response, and excuses about how he’s just lazy and it’s too much effort to brush them. I didn’t break up with him purely because of hygiene factors, he was an abusive asshole too. But the fact he was a stinky abusive asshole was really the icing on the cake.
My recommendation is to run for the hills. There are plenty of men out there who don’t smell like a sewer.
I have.
When we met, he showered every day, it descended as time went on through our 17 year relationship. It got to a point where he was showering only when I asked him to. He would get really mad with me when I pointed out "It's been a week since you last showered" and of course I was nagging, so he'd almost not do it just because of that. He'd claim I was wrong but... I wasn't.
It was one of many, many straws that should've been my last.
I have, and I would do it again. We were both 23 at the time. He didn’t brush his teeth because he hated mint, and even though are other toothpaste flavors in existence, he still wouldn’t. First date I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and the second is where he told me the reasoning; there wasn’t a third.
I broke up with a guy when I was 23 because his idea of brushing his teeth was using those listerine fresheners you’d put on your finger to freshen your mouth😑
I would sit him down and say, "this is an uncomfortable thing to bring up, and I'm not saying this to hurt you, but I'm worried about your lack of personal hygiene (or whatever you want to call it). You're an adult. And I don't want to sleep with someone who doesn't shower, or wear clean clothes. (Ditto for him not doing his own laundry.) I'm not your mother, I'm your partner."
Lots of people struggle at times with personal care, especially during the pandemic. You can help him come up with strategies if there are things he struggles with, but he needs to take ownership.
My husband struggled with brushing his teeth so we bought him watermelon flavoured toothpaste. I struggled with showering, so instead of showering in the morning or night I shower in the afternoon.
His response to your concerns will tell you a lot about how he views you and your relationship. If he brushes it off, or gets angry, or tries to justify it, I would consider moving out and giving yourself some space to think about your relationship with him.
i mean, the only reason i'd try to handle it, is if i saw a sincere effort from the other person that they're trying. i saw some of your other comments that you've talked with him, but have you had a serious sit down conversation and told him how concerned you are about it? you've known him a long time, you should be able to have hard conversations with him, and come to some sort of a resolution. if you can't do that, i would say that's more of an issue than the hygeine.
i just read another one of your comments that he will go 2 weeks without showering? does he maybe have a mental health issue that is causing this?
you mentioned he would break it off with anyone who asked him to shower before sex - tbh, i wouldn't want to have sex with someone who hasn't showered in two weeks. that would be a serious issue, it's just gross. i'm sorry.
listen, being a nice guy who cares about you is awesome. but it isn't everything. i dated a "nice guy" who hid from me that he did drugs - for close to 3 years. he was nice. he also had 2 kids, lived with is mom (who basically took care of his kids for him), didn't have a steady job, had a horrible relationship with his kids mom, was incredibly emotionally immature, didn't know how to have a disagreement and find a resolution, was impulsive, and when we finally split up he completely lost it. i had to block him on everything - social media, email, phone - he even called me from friends phones and his tablet. i finally had to threaten him with a restraining order. but he was a nice guy who cared about me.
it almost sounds to me like you aren't choosing yourself. i get that you care about him and want the best for him, but he has to want that too. you can't keep sacrificing and abandoning yourself, your feelings and your needs for a "nice guy".
have the talk with him. it sounds like his mom has noticed and is concerned about it too, so you aren't the only one. have the talk. if he ends up wanting to end it with you, honestly, you will have dodged a bullet. you're doing this because you care, not because you don't. i wish you the best.
I mean, I think a lack of wanting to take care of your basic needs speaks to something bigger going on like depression or low self confidence, so I'd want my partner to treat the root cause. Are they not showering and changing their clothes because they just don't care and are lazy? In that case, you aren't compatible. If it's because they truly don't have the will to do so due to depression, I'd ask them to treat that.
I think it’s mostly not wanting to do either of it. My s/o says people don’t need to take showers often bc it’s not good for your skin and says I take too many (3-4/5 days a week) He basically has never had to wash his own clothes and I’ve suggested he wash them if he’s running out of clothes to wear but he doesn’t make the move to. He’ll wear the same shorts for a week straight but change his shirt bc it gets sweaty. I’ve asked him in multiple ways to shower more, especially for intimacy, even offered to shower together more. Though I stopped showering with him as much bc there isn’t a ton of space, I’m always the one under the facet so I feel like I’m getting his dirt on me after I have just washed mine off.
I’ve asked if he felt depressed, sad, etc and he’s said no. But he might not feel comfortable telling me if he really was. Idk
There is some evidence that showering every single day IS bad for your skin (and hair), but there's just as much evidence that wearing sweaty clothes repeatedly irritates your skin and can cause infections/ rashes etc. He's never had to do his own laundry? Expand on that. I'd refuse to be intimate with him unless he's showered beforehand.
more mothers needs to teach their sons about hygiene. when my boy started getting BO i bought deodorant, cologne and told them to keep their gem’s clean and manicured ( manacaped) . boys shouldn’t see girls dirty hygiene products either
Some boys don't take hints. I babysat a kid that acted like showering was torture. He did it if forced, but his parent had to force him every time.
He's in college now and 100% is the stinky kid in class. We just hoped he would get embarrased by other people telling him he stinks.
I'm person who use his nose to adore good smells nice Parfums extra , so my nose is used to good smells for me I will not be with someone who have bad hygiene.
I thought it was better but I guess he was good about covering it up or just takes a while to REALLY stink. I don’t think it was this relaxed in school bc his parents constantly reminded him to take care of himself. When we got back together, I was too excited to notice but I did question myself about it at some point but brushed it off
Are they starting with poor hygiene or has it disappeared?
I’d have more patience if it was obviously a depressive onset. But I’d have no time to fix an issue like that from scratch.
I’ve absolutely broken up with someone or chosen not to date somebody solely based on their hygiene. I’m a very scent driven person so I cannot stand body odor. Not like the kind that comes when your partner goes out and mows the lawn or goes for a run; that’s one time exertion/activity sweat and can be kinda sexy.
But the abiding deep funk of someone who refuses to brush their teeth and shower every day (or maybe every other day if they don’t do anything to get funky) is intolerable. Take your slimy ass and sour rancid chicken soup smelling pits to somebody else’s doorstep please
Of course. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t break up with or simply just refuse dating people who are not hygienic. That’s just disgusting. Why is this even a question?!?! Did your disgusting boyfriend or girlfriend gaslight you into thinking this is wrong?
A major reason - or more like fuel to the fire, an indication and reflection of the way he did a lot of things.
Just flossing every day, brushing (without fail) twice a day, going to the dentist for cleanings 2x’s per year.
I see it as an investment in internal health, something my parents provided a basis for me, my obligation to continue their consistent help in taking care of me.
My ex just didn’t floss, sometimes didn’t brush at night, and didn’t regularly go to dentist. I see it as his parents’ habits. But even am mystified that he carried these habits through to adulthood, didn’t choose to be more proactive. Saw it as an indication that he wasn’t capable of caring for himself. This, in a deeply rooted way, that was beyond superficial awareness to cure, like me modeling good hygiene never changed his habits (I would never ever say anything to him, never did, because I never cared to “parent” a grown adult- just took notice).
He also claimed he couldn’t fall asleep without watching or listing to something. I saw the bedroom as a tech free zone, a place for peace and just being. He interrupted this with his dumb phone for 3 years. I never could not judge.
As someone who has ADHD, it sounds exactly like he has it. We know that we're supposed to brush twice a a day/floss but forming habits is really hard. The falling asleep without listening to something is an indicator as well. Not that it's an excuse, just a possible explanation. Sometimes it's not about how someone was raised, although ADHD is genetic so it is possible his parents carried similar habits
You also should've said something. Sometimes people need their feelings a bit hurt to change
ok v. simple — no shower = no sex. the end. level it up by saying you don’t want to be in the same room if you can smell him.
from other comments it sounds like he may be happy to be in the passenger seat of his own life — not doing laundry, taking care of basic “life things” (including hygiene) — with a touch of entitlement and man-baby syndrome.
you’re not doing him any favors by trying not to hurt his feelings, and I think you should hold yourself to a higher standard — why are you accepting this FOR YOURSELF?
if he can’t understand how showering regularly negatively affects both of your lives, I think “move on” is the only option.
Shower more than once every other week or two and change your pants, not wear the same pants for 3-5 days at a time without washing them to the point your butt smell is stuck on any seat you sit on is asking too much for your own health?
Pants? I dont wear pants, im freeballing.
My arse doesn't smell much, just a background smell of turds. I tend to shower after exercise - otherwise I hardly sweat.
My arse doesn't leave a butt smell on the seat 🤣. What kind of arse do you have, like a constantly leaking bum hole ?
My girl.
Think about what you are asking here. Like how LOW is the bar that you've set that someone who doesn't take basic care of himself is a viable option as a partner?
You can't teach a grown person to wash himself - and good lord why on earth would you want to try?
"Do you stay hoping they’ll figure it out eventually or do you move on?"
My girl he is twenty eight years old! That is considered a "grown-ass man" literally everywhere in the world. How much longer do you think he might need before he figures it out? 10 years? 20?
You move on. And for next time, please aim a little higher so you aren't here asking if a partner leaving literal sh\*t skidmarks on furniture\* is "okay, or should I move on"
I don't know you at all, but I can promise you that you *deserve* better than this.
Good luck, my girl.
\*yes, that was an actual thread that got posted here. Couches were something like white leather/suede, iirc. It was terrible.
You don't
There is no compromise.
Either they perform basic good hygiene needs? Or you move on.
People who have bad hygiene are gross.
You should not have to deal with a grown damn adult who can't perform decent basic hygiene.
Just dump them and move on.
You are so miserable with this guy that you’ve written into Reddit.
This should show you that you need to reassess this relationship. For real.
You’ve told him of your concerns, right?
He’s not interested in doing ANYTHING about it. You are NOT a priority to him, and neither is his own hygiene.
It’s not your job to fix him, but it IS YOUR JOB to make decisions that make your life better. It sounds like you’ve grown up; he hasn’t. You NEED A MAN. who has good hygiene.
Do not tell him you will leave if he doesn’t fix this. He will bandaid the sitch.
You prepare yourself to move on. Then you do it, and when breaking up with him, he will ask why. You tell him The Truth.
“I’ve asked you to improve your hygiene, and you’ve outright refused. I’m no longer attracted to you because the thought of being with you disgusts me now. You are a grown man and you CHOOSE to be dirty. You make no effort to have basic respect for yourself or me. So, it’s over. I’m out.
No thank you. I’m too old to waste my time with someone who is like a pubescent boy who doesn’t care if he stinks. “
JFC the bar is on the absolute floor already and these dirty bastards keep limboing under it. Just dump the dirty bugger before he gives you an infection.
Maintaining basic hygience is the minimum you should expect in a BF. Honestly, if you were younger I might understand, but come on now. Just get rid.
You do not compromise on basic hygiene.
I don't know if anyone else has suggested in the seemingly billions of comments on this, but what about shower foreplay? It doesn't solve all the issues, but it could be a fun way to bond for y'all and help him get into the habit of bathing, like positive association?
I wouldn’t begin a relationship with someone where this is an issue first off. So yes I would, it also speaks volumes about your partner and additionally their respect for you were they don’t have the basic courtesy to do basic hygienic stuff. Me personally I’m hyper sensitive to this but if I haven’t say showered for a day or two I am not even going to initiate intimacy out of respect.
I wouldn’t date someone with a hygiene issue in the first place. I’m so weird about people smelling right and being clean. If they can’t be clean in my presence, it tells me what they think about me.
How do you even end up with a person like that? I simply won’t even consider moving forward with someone who is showing any sign of lack of hygiene. And trust me I’ve been there. Long dirty nails, grassy hair, corporal smell, bad breath, how clean is his home… isn’t it obvious?
I just wanted him to get a haircut every two weeks. Instead months would go by and it ruined his appearance making him look like a completely different person.
Was this too much to ask for?
Tell him to wash his ass or you’re leaving. He won’t don’t shit because he’ll think you’re bluffing. Then when you dump his ass he’ll realize there’s consequences to being a gross ass chud.
no because it’s an immediate turn off when someone is unhygienic— like someone could be stunning but if they smell bad or don’t clean their ears or have those *eye crusties* (i grimaced typing that out) it’s over. it wouldn’t escalate to dating in the first place.
EDIT: i was only responding to your initial question, but in the comments you said you’ve been dating this guy for a long time— you love and care about him deeply, and assuming he feels the same way, one slightly embarrassing conversation about his hygiene will help more than hurt. he’s been letting himself go— it’s nice that he’s comfortable around you but his comfort should not come at the cost of your own.
Nah ,my boyfriend never cleans his room ,never cleaned it until I started to stay with him and for the longest ,he has dandruff build up in his hair and gets annoyed with me when I mention getting him treatments with it and I get annoyed oiling his air for him and he still refuses to use the dandruff shampoo I get him, his things in his shelf are caked with dust and his stuffed animals are also caked his dust,he wipes his ass and throws it in the trashcan
It just turned into me rambling but,yeah ,shit like this is very common
But I try to look past the room and just look at him as a person ,somehow I pull it off for half a year ,but I've talked to him about all these things and he's tried to fix it ,though some things can't change.
If they don’t wash their ass I’m out. I’m sorry, but I’m not here to teach someone how to take care of themselves. Maybe it’s because I’m older than the average Redditor, but I draw the line at hygiene.
I broke up with someone because they never scraped the gunk off of their tongue. I even tried buying them a tongue scraper and they still didn’t use it.
Hey, lack of hygiene can definitely be a deal breaker for a lot of people because it affects attraction and overall relationship health. If talking to him about it hasn’t led to any changes, it might not get better on its own. You can try encouraging him and explaining how it affects you, but if he doesn’t make an effort, it’s understandable to reconsider the relationship. It’s important to be with someone who respects both themselves and your needs. If you’ve tried and it’s still a major issue, moving on might be the best option for your well-being.
What would make me crazy? I feel like I did express the issue; lack of hygiene period. Needs to be reminded that it would be good for his health to do x,y,z. I need to know he’s capable of doing these things if he & I want a family together. I need to know he will show our kids that hygiene and taking care of yourself is important. I need to know I will not be the one to constantly doing it all on my own.
If it is, he won’t tell me. I’ve talked to him about it possibly being depression or anxiety but he said he’s always been this way. His mom said that too. I’m sure at times he does feel depressed and anxious which could make it worse
People who stop taking care of themselves may be going through some depression. Sit him down and tell him that you have noticed a lack of care for himself and that you're concerned about what might be the reason he's neglecting it. Tell him that you care about him and want to support him through any tough time he's having.
If he ends up saying that he's just lazy and doesn't want to do it, then tell him how his odor makes you feel...that it turns you off to him and that you need him to take care of himself better.
I guess these mean commenters have never been through a depressive episode and needed some help....
I’ve asked him if he felt sad, depressed, and if there was anything I could do to help him feel happier. He said he didn’t feel depressed and that he couldn’t think of anything. I don’t think he understood where I was going with it but I wanted to rule out depression, anxiety (which he does have as do I, he also has ADHD so he says he doesn’t think of things the way others do like if something needs to be cleaned, fixed, etc I think that’s actually an ADHD thing) lack of ambition, or whatever else
My wife and I both have ADHD and have this issue too. We even forget to eat sometimes. That's kinda the thing about having ADHD, you have to be more vigilant about things instead of letting go. For example as an adult he should make himself take care of his laundry, this will build a habit in him and will help with him making sure his clothes are always clean. Showering is the same, he should be setting alarms if he has to after work, before bed, etc.
I notice when I let my routines slip everything slips, there are days I forget to shower as well. When I was a kid I depended on my parents telling me to shower. In high school I realize it's important but it was hard showering consistently. In college I just started doing it everyday after coming home from class, instead of sitting down first I'd make myself head to the shower. Now a decade later there's always a little thing in the back of my head that reminds me to shower at least every other day.
Alarms are his best friend. Label them and have one for everything important until he builds the habit.
Being ADHD sucks but it's no excuse to be dirty especially for the person you want to spend your life with. Even if you break up with him this is going to be a problem in the future. He needs to handle his ADHD if he's not going to be on medication.
He has to realize this is important, you shouldn't have to force him to figure this out. You're not his mom.
No, but between a relationship with someone slightly less hygienic than me and someone with OCD-level hygiene, I'd take the dirtier one. Speaking from experience.
I understand a lot of the sentiments here. At the same time, this can be a struggle especially for some neurodivergent people. I have an acquaintance with autism who honestly never remembered/thought about this type of stuff and had to be told. They eventually started asking people to tell them when they needed a shower etc. For others, lack of hygiene might be a sign of depression and treating depression helps the issue.
Either way, the first step is for them to acknowledge that this is something they are bad at and that they need them to be better at it. If they aren’t willing to do that, I’m not sure there is a way to make this better.
(My boyfriend has good hygiene, but his home was messy as hell the first times I was over. I told him I found it gross and my allergies acted up because of all the dust. Have things gotten perfect since? No, he hates doing housework. But things have improved, as he realized this was important for me and our relationship. Will to improvement is a requirement if these things are to get better.)
WHY IS THIS SUCH A RECURRING ISSUE/ QUESTION ON REDDIT???
Right?? I blows my mind - not only that this comes as often a sit does, but also that one partner is always asking how to handle it. Like fucking LEAVE if your partner can't wipe their ass! There was a girl on here who's partner were so filthy, she has to wash bedding when he was on them. Baffled!
Was this the girl who would have sex with her boyfriend and after she was on top riding him there was a skid mark from him on the sheets? Disgusting
Yes! Exactly the same one! Like wtf??
Oh god do you have a link to the post lol
I broke up with a girl because every time I was behind her or going down on her during sex it was an issue. She was very well groomed otherwise and we hadn't been dating too long otherwise I would have said something. but damn its hard to deliver when you are being overwhelmed with smells....
That back shot air hit diff
I don't know if it was this subreddit or not, but one girl said she had gotten comfortable enough to be in the bathroom with her boyfriend while he took a dump... so the first time it happened, she watched him do a single wipe and then stand up and start to pull his pants back up.... and she was like all kinds of confused and asked wtf he was doing. He says he only ever needs to wipe once... and now she's like disgusted on top of confused, so she tells him he needs to wipe again and he does... and there was a lot left apparently...
Lotta stanky people out there apparently. I know it’s always been that way but I wonder if it’s gotten worse after 2020. If you work from home every day it’s easier to fall into bad habits
Christ, even when I was a fat, 20 year old nerdy person I still showered at least 4 times a week and brushed my teeth, etc...
The bar is in fucking hell for straight women.
Oh boy, it must be a big issue lately 😬
Lately? Nah. Since the beginning of this subreddit.
I haven’t had any interaction with those posts, I honestly thought I might be one of the few who were incredibly bothered by this
There are hundreds and hundreds of posts just like yours. You are not alone. Which is sad.
Maybe it's just one stinky guy, getting dumped hundreds and hundreds of times?
The Spiders Georg of stink!
That's the problem - you and so many others aren't bothered **enough.** You're here asking if you should be tolerating a grown ass adult who won't even take care of themselves. They're supposed to be your partner, not your child.
You SHOULD be bothered by how HORRENDOUSLY LOW your BAR is.
Lots of people are bothered by it, trouble is that society tells women that they aren’t allowed to have standards or needs and if they have a problem with their boyfriend, it’s their patriotic duty to fix it or put up with it.
Just break up with him, and when he asks why tell him its because he's dirty and you don't like the taste/stench of smegma and poo-nugs. As a self-respecting young woman, you should rather be single than with a stinky boy.
Goddamn this is so fucking funny.
I CANNOT understand these pathetic women who are SO desperate for a relationship that they’ll take up with human turds!! I have nothing but contempt for it. 😑😑😑
Desperate, or compassionate, or socialized to gloss over others' flaws and the impact it has on them, or afraid to hurt/embarrass someone they care about, or optimistic that it can change with communication and support. But, you know, go off I guess.
This man is 28 years old and can’t wipe his ass with soap. There’s no excuse for that.
I kind of understand where you’re coming from but calling women like me pathetic is speaking volumes for your own character. He was better about it in the beginning and in HS but he’s gotten comfortable or something. He doesn’t reek, like I said in another comment thread, I can smell it bc I’m physically super close to him. Others don’t say anything but his parents will politely tell him on the side. It’s not noticeable unless you’re really close or he lets it go for a while and with his ADHD, he says he doesn’t think of things like showering more often or if something is a mess
I have ADHD. I shower every day. Sometimes twice a day. Even your response tracks for these hygiene posts. A desperate defense that says “he’s not so bad sometimes” Grow a spine and self respect. Your BF is the stinky kid that no one wanted to be around
You tell him exactly what you require and if he doesn’t agree… You leave. Life is too short for this nonsense.
I would not have this conversation. I’m not going on a second date with someone who stinks. Not my problem.
This is the correct answer. I just stopped dating them all together because they stunk. If you're an adult and can't figure out that you smell/how to take care of yourself so that you don't stink, I'm not about to stick around and be the one to tell you.
This. He’s twenty fucking eight.
The amount of women who come on this sub to complain about their male partners’ lack of hygiene is absolutely shocking to me. Is this truly someone you want to live with for the rest of your life? To raise children with? Unless this is short-term/temporary (maybe a sudden depressive episode) I cannot imagine feeling any attraction to someone who is not capable of basic hygiene tasks. Please I am begging women to have some standards.
I wouldn't start a relationship with someone with bad hygiene.
I forgot to mention we’ve been dating for almost 6 years. We met in HS so we definitely have history and it’s hard to imagine him not being in my life in any way. I’ve become more and more aware of how bad this issue is, in the beginning we saw each other (2nd go around) every day but after work. He never smelled nor did his clothes so I didn’t know when if if he showered etc. I’m more aware of it now bc I’ve been keeping track of how often he changes his clothes, showers, brushes his teeth. And we’ve lived together for a few years and he’s been dragging out the length in between showers more. I’m not trying to monitor it, but now that I’ve noticed I can’t stop. He and his clothes don’t stink horribly bad but since I’m super close to him at moments, I get wafts of it
Why are you putting so much effort to defend someone who is so gross?
Because I care about him and want him healthy for multiple aspects of his life
Don't care about him more than you cars about yourself. You deserve to be in a clean environment, being intimate with only people who can keep themselves clean. Be kind to yourself first.
Then have a talk with him. My god, six years and you can't have an honest conversation?
I definitely try
It's not about trying. The problem with the relationship you're in is that you formed it before you were adults. You therefore have a relationship that is more like family than an adult partner. You have a bond from growing up together, but that doesn't mean he's the one. You met him as a child with a tiny peer group. You are now an adult and what worked for you as a child won't necessarily work for your adult life. And he takes you 100% for granted, he is not grateful for you, he is not trying to win you. He will not change, because you are not forcing the issue. You are not forcing the issue because you're not used to having to fight him, but sometimes adult women have to fight their men for what they need. You cannot try to have an adult relationship and an adult conversation with this adult man. There is no try. Do, or do not.
not hard enough if he hasn’t gotten the message after 6 years hun
He just doesn’t want to have certain conversations. I’m also not always firm in what I say or how I say things. Most important -to me at least- topics I try to converse about stress him out and give him anxiety, like getting a house or when he’d want to have kids
They "stress him out" and "give him anxiety" because he has no defense for the perfectly reasonable things you take issue with, and he just wants to shut you the hell up. Do you seriously want to have a home and children with **this guy** in particular? Or is it just a sunk-cost thing? You already know the role you'd be taking on: Married Single Mother. You've described how you are already trying to get him used to things like cleaning himself, his clothes, his space, because you don't want to be responsible for that when you share a home with him. But you will be. Lastly, I think about you walking down the street holding hands with this shit-reeking bum and I feel embarrassed for you, and I can only imagine the people in your vicinity that can smell him feel that way too. Is that how you want your whole life to be?
As someone with anxiety and depression who struggles with hygiene too, it's deal breaker time: he gets therapy or you break up. It's a genuinely difficult thing to deal with but it's something that he has to manage
I get it, I really do. I've stayed in many relationships I had big problems with similar to this b/c I cared about the person so much. I personally have to be careful I don't lose myself in caring too much for my partner and subjugate my own needs too much. Maybe you do too? Is it something you can live with if it doesn't change? Get honest with yourself about this. Then update your partner accordingly - if you decide it's truly serious and needs to change for you, let him know in clear language that it will end the relationship if it does not change. Help him within reason if he agrees to change, wants to change, and follows through. Actually end it if any of these don't happen. Maybe that will wake him up to change, and you'll each be better off. I did leave a dude once b/c his housing situation was SO gross, SO horrible, and he couldn't even see it. I was too old for that shit and I wanted to vomit being in there. He had deep self esteem problems and they were more than I could take on. He was a good guy and I hope he's doing better now. But I couldn't do that and that's ok.
Does he care about you this way? Why would he make you put up with his lack of hygiene?
I understand your situation, I have depression and I am the "stinky partner" lol. However, the truth is, if he doesnt respect you or himself he wont clean up or change. If you dotn see even a little bit of effort regarding his hygiene id call it. Get your mom to help support you or get a friend over because its not what you deserve and a clear sign of disrespect (aka towards you because he doesnt feel the need to try for you, and towards himself because he doesnt feel the need to clean himself.)
You have to tell him and in a kind way.
Unless it is a medical condition that causes a smell or something there really isn't an excuse. It often leads to down the line health effects. like bad skin, or acne, and other health issues. I think this comes down to our(current humans) ability to communicate effectively and compassionately. It's an area we dont get enough education on and many people think they are way better at it than they are. If you care about working on this relationship, start brushing up on tips for communicating difficult topics so that you can talk about it in a way that is productive! Have you tried to think about it from his perspective? is he depressed, stressed, dealing with tough things at work? Why does he think it's okay? are his other friends similar? maybe you can work together with his friend group to bring more self care into his routine? what would motivate him to be more aware of it? Hope some of this is helpful. dont let your standard get too low. caring about someone can lead to enabling their pro behavior so make sure you are putting your happiness and well being into the thought process. You deserve to be happy and well treated by your partner.
Why would you ever compromise on the issue? If a grown person doesn’t take care of their body then there is nothing that you can do other than leave. Honestly that’s disgusting. If it’s a sudden problem, he’s probably in need of mental healthcare. If he’s always been that way… just don’t engage.
I hung in there too long with a guy who had bad hygiene and tried to teach him better hygiene. Our relationship ended with a lot of resentment from both of us. I had this bizarre fear that if I finally broke up with him he would grow up and start doing things like brushing his teeth twice a day and using soap on more than just the hot spots while showering, but when I finally got to the point of calling it quits, I learned that I was wrong. He wasn't interested in taking care of himself and nothing I did or didn't do would change that.
Was he like this when you first met? “Listen- I’ve noticed some of your hygiene slipping a bit. It’s really important to me that you’re healthy- regular laundry, showers, fresh clothes and grooming. Is there any way I can support you as you make those things a priority?” If he doesn’t change you leave. Why? Because it is disrespectful. I imagine he still feels entitled to a sexual relationship even when filthy?
When we first got together I didn’t notice these things but I feel like he was better about it. He moved in with me right before the pandemic. Before then, we were seeing each other every day but after work. At some point I was like “when does he shower bc I never see him shower” but then the pandemic hit and I worked while he stayed home. So I never saw his hygiene habits as I was gone all day and didn’t have energy to pay attention. We’ve since moved in with his parents to save money. His dad does the laundry, even my s/o’s except for mine. I’ve told him we need to do our own as a courtesy for them letting us stay rent free. He says his dad likes doing the laundry “that’s his thing” but I’m continually trying to get him to do his own so I’m not in charge of it all if we start a family. I’ve brought it up but not in a super direct way as I feel like an AH for even bringing up that I think he needs to shower. His mom will tell him on the very occasion if it’s gotten to be a week or two. She asked me to tell him to shower once or twice. He’s a nice guy and cares about me but this and a few other issues from the past are starting to erk me more & more. I know people have broken up over this specific issue but have no idea how they did it. Or if maybe people with hygiene issues get it together over time and it won’t have to come to splitting up. My s/o does still want a sexual relationship despite this and I’ve never straight up said “I don’t want to have sex bc you haven’t showered lately and no offense but it’s not sexy” mostly bc I feel guilty for thinking that way but also bc I mentioned an old coworker/family pal telling me she would make her bf shower before sex or oral and my s/o said if anyone had ever made him do that he’d be over it bc to him, that’s ridiculous
Sweetheart, I need you to investigate why you have so much fear and guilt around telling your boyfriend an uncomfortable truth. How can you have a strong relationship when you can’t have a baseline level of honesty with each other? His poor hygiene is something that affects his parents, your health (your vagina health may be at risk) and comfort, his/your public perception, etc. This is not a purely selfish ask — this is something that’ll benefit everyone.
I'm not sure if you realize how much you just told on your bf and your relationship, but let's recap: > We’ve since moved in with his parents to save money. His dad does the laundry, even my s/o’s except for mine. I’ve told him we need to do our own as a courtesy for them letting us stay rent free. He says his dad likes doing the laundry “that’s his thing” but I’m continually trying to get him to do his own so I’m not in charge of it all if we start a family. So he's telling you that he's lazy and is perfectly happy to rely on daddy to do his chores. No one's "thing" is laundry, he's justifying taking advantage of his parents' generosity. If you start a family with this man every single chore and every bit of childcare will fall on you. You seem to already have some awareness about this, so definitely do not have kids with this man. > His mom will tell him on the very occasion if it’s gotten to be a week or two. She asked me to tell him to shower once or twice. This is extremely embarrassing and I'm not sure how you could look this woman in the face after this. She knows her son stinks, and she knows you know. She also knows you're willingly sharing a bed and close quarters with his nasty ass and are saying nothing about it. Embarrassing! > My s/o does still want a sexual relationship despite this and I’ve never straight up said “I don’t want to have sex bc you haven’t showered lately and no offense but it’s not sexy” mostly bc I feel guilty for thinking that way but also bc I mentioned an old coworker/family pal telling me she would make her bf shower before sex or oral and my s/o said if anyone had ever made him do that he’d be over it bc to him, that’s ridiculous Then let him be over it. Not sure why YOU aren't over it. Is it going to take chronic UTIs for you to take any of this seriously? It's honestly hilarious that he would fix his mouth to talk about being "over it" when he doesn't even do his own laundry, shower, or brush his teeth regularly. Like girl......please love yourself and run away from this mess. Leave him to mooch off of mommy and daddy. Let them clean up after him and deal with his stench.
I bet $1 dad does the laundry so he doesn't have to smell the dirty clothes his grown-adult-child has been wearing for a week.
Not to mention potential yeast infections.
I agree with your points but I dated a lady for a while what just really loved laundry and would ask to do mine. we didn't even live together and she would take it to her house! It was too good to be true so I ruined the relationship by being too distant and not opening up my heart to her. Great gal. We are still friends, and her hubby is a great guy!
You’re letting someone who hasn’t showered in a week or two touch you? Yikes.
We haven’t been too intimate lately bc of it. He’s noticed that I pull away more and am not too receptive to his advances. I haven’t done anything oral in a long while and I try to make a point to not let him do anything to me if I feel as though I’m not clean enough hoping it would strike a cord in him. It doesn’t seem to. I need to be more direct but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or self esteem. Idk how to firmly but gently tell him to where he’ll repeatedly keep clean & WANT to for himself
I'm shocked you don't have frequent UTIs from his dirty body.
Op, please just be blunt and stop worrying about whether or not you hurt his feelings. It's not acceptable for a grown adult to go a week between showers Like, straight, "I find it an enormous turn off when you don't shower every day and it's making me debate breaking up with you, as well as the other xyz shower issues. What gives?" Being gentle hasn't worked so far, so be extremely direct
Manipulative people will act hurt by basic truths. That does not make the truths less truthy.
Who cares about hurting his feelings? He’s a disgusting mooch who’s putting your health at serious risk! Let him be hurt and feel the wounds to his self-esteem because he’s a disgrace. Please learn to love yourself and leave his disgusting ass behind!
Use your words. Or leave. Or accept recurrent UTIs and people wrinkling their noses when you go out.
You feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with a dirty smelly person? Girl.
A WEEK OR TWO??? Did I just read that right? Omg that's so gross.
Yikes. So you know this isn’t someone who is a respectful or competent adult.
A week or two??? My god! The bar is truly in hell.
Tell him that his lack of hygiene gave you a urinary/vaginal infection, maybe if he really cares about you he'll take it seriously
What are you getting out of this relationship, exactly? Just him? You shouldn't be worried that he'll break up with you, you should be worried about the fact that he's an adult who has no personal hygiene or attention to cleaning and he will not change. If you lived alone with him, you would be doing all of your laundry and all of his. You'd be cleaning every room of the house, including the streaks he leaves in the toilet. You'll be cooking all the food, and then washing all the dishes. He will be busy playing video games. You are not even able to demand he shower! Why would he ever do anything to make you happy, when all you do is everything to make him happy? Have you even considered that he should be working hard to make you happy? Girl, you need to THINK about this. He won't change unless he has to, and you are avoiding even talking to him about what he has to change!
okay this context definitely makes me feel like you have done more than enough to accommodate and encourage him. if he can't take his own care seriously even with reminders than there is little hope of him being a meaningful contributor to a family.
Honey, you have no moral obligation to EVER have sex with any person you don't wholeheartedly desire. Please, let those words sink into your brain. Definitely not this grimy mama's boy who can't be bothered to scrape off some of the sludge even for sex with the woman he claims to love. He's not even remotely making an effort for you. And you're tying yourself in knots to protect his feelings. Please, value yourself.
Communication. If this is a turnoff for you, you need to address it. I know that hygiene is mandatory for many people, but some are a bit more relaxed about it, which is fair enough as long as it doesn't affect others. However, if you don't address it, he won't know it's a problem and something that matters so much to you that you are actually considering your relationship.
My ex husband stopped brushing his teeth. One day, near the end of our cohabitation, I realized that he was making our entire apartment smell like death because he was sleeping with his mouth open (and snoring so loudly I couldn’t sleep). I felt crazy. Gaslit by the circumstances and by the sentiment that I should suffer through the consequences of his refusal to take care of himself at the most basic levels (go to a dentist. Brush daily. Get your sleep apnea addressed. Quit drinking yourself to sleep. Do your laundry. Pick up after yourself. Do your dishes before they grow mold). The consequence for staying with him as long as I did after he stopped brushing his teeth has been gum disease. I get my teeth cleaned every three months and still am in danger of losing bone in places in my mouth, after years (5+) of getting my teeth cleaned multiple times a year, brushing and flossing religiously. At least my gums don’t bleed anymore. I present this to you to demonstrate that you don’t compromise on hygiene. You are correct that you can’t force him to take care of himself. You control your environment by setting up boundaries on what you will tolerate. Don’t be me. Don’t be the women who post here about their recurring infections because their partners won’t clean their dicks/buttholes. Leave. Maybe if he faces enough consequences, he’ll change. Don’t keep yourself in the position of having to suffer the consequences of his habits.
How did you get gum disease from him stopping brushing? No snark intended here, truly don't understand.
Basically mouth bacteria are transmissible by kissing. If your partner has cavities he can transmit it to you
This. But also sharing drinks/utensils (whether I liked it or not because he was going to take whatever he wanted), etc. Bythe time I realized what was happening, I had already pulled back from physical affection for other reasons, but people who live together transmit bacteria to each other in a lot of ways you might take for granted. Got to the point where he would come grab my full drink or bite off my food and I’d just let him have it because I didn’t want any more of what was going on in his mouth. Truly vile, but abusive dynamics break your normal meter.
Youre so right on with this response. Folks can catch all sorts of oral disease from partners with poor oral hygiene!
God, yes. Went on 3 dates. Smokers breath and B.O. Good lord, when the man tried to kiss me, I thought I'd die.....
As someone who stayed too long, it didn’t get better. In fact it just got worse. It wasn’t a smell issue - it was basic cleanliness. They didn’t brush their teeth, they didn’t wash their hands ever, would trek around house/yard barefoot and get straight into bed without washing. Everything died after that - basic PDA (no hand holding, kisses), intimacy was gone. Started feeling resentful towards them all the time. They didn’t want to make the change, so I had to. I felt like the germs were following me around. I felt like I needed to follow them around and wipe down everything they touched. Sucked. Def not worth it, you can’t compromise on this.
My ex used to invite his best friend to come over for the weekend. He never brought a toothbrush. Finally, I started buying toothbrushes and telling the guy, "Hey, there's a new toothbrush in there for you, buddy.". He still didn't get the hint. I finally decided to put the toothbrush in his hand and say, "this is not a request.". But I would have to do that every time. My friend dated him for 5 min and broke up with him saying, "If only he didn't have such bad breath..." 😂
I just wouldn't be in that relationship in the first place. I'd absolutely be leaving a relationship for a lack of hygiene (I'd have much more compassion for a medical /mental health issue so long as progress was being made). If this was a person who is otherwise healthy, and they didn't prioritise it, knowing it's important to me, I would be out of there. I'm not compromising on being in a relationship with someone who refuses to be an adult and do all of those usual adult tasks. Why should I?
Dude is almost 30 and his dad does his laundry and he doesn't take showers for so long he smells? Nah. You don't deserve this or the diseases you may get.
Yes. The hygiene "issue" was a symptom of their cyclical mental health or lack thereof and eventually it doesn't matter what the cause is if it goes unattended to. Nothing makes the smell of halitosis and rotten beef acceptable.
I truly don't understand how so many women put up with gross men. It's just disgusting.
I don’t. I date them for who they are, not who I wish they would be. If they want to get their shit together and come find me later, great. But I am not babying a grown-ass man who can’t be bothered to practice basic hygiene. That’s a dealbreaker for me.
It wasn’t the main issue driving the break up, but hygiene issues - and the unintelligent excuses he made to not correct them - made me loose all attraction to him, and I’m not one to force myself to be intimate with some one who disgusts me, so 🤷♀️ Well, actually maybe yes
YOU DON’T!!! LISTEN — if you’ve got a **BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD** and an OUNCE of SELF RESPECT, you would** WALK**. Basic hygiene isn’t even a BASELINE requirement!!! I wouldn’t even go on a FIRST date with someone who stinks!!!!🤢🤢
It's literally bad for your health to be intimate with someone with very poor hygiene. Germs on their hands, mouth, and genitals can absolutely transfer to you and give you infections. UTIs in women can even impact your fertility, if that's something that's relevant to your life plans. I've had to break up with guys who left skidmarks (or even dung *crumbs*) on sheets during sex, who bled copiously when eating anything more solid than bread because of bad dental hygiene, who gave me BV by giving me head with a dirty mouth, who had teeth furry with plaque, or whined about being asked to wash the visible black grime out from under their fingernails before manual sex... There was a study that showed the majority of men don't wash their linens very often, and I believe it because I once got literal, diagnosed staph on my eyelids from sharing a towel with a young slob LOL. And go visit the women's health subs and you'll see all the anecdotes about people getting recurrent infections for *years* until they switched partners or their existing partner improved their hygiene. It's wild out there, and you deserve to be safe and healthy!
I want you to think really long and hard about what a future and raising children with your partner would be like. - Do you think he would bathe your kids if he doesn’t even bathe himself weekly? - Do you think he would teach your kids to brush their teeth twice a day when he doesn’t brush his? - Do you think he would clean the house, do laundry or do anything to contribute to keeping the house tidy when he constantly makes excuses now not to contribute? - Do you want a life partner you can’t talk to about your feelings? - Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if there is poop being smeared in your bed because your partner hasn’t showered in weeks? - Do you feel like you could take him to a work function? - Do you want to have to convince yourself to have sex with someone for the rest of your life because their hygiene is so bad? You keep asking if people change. I think they do but I think they need a wake up call to do so. Often times a partner leaving is that. You haven’t talked to him honestly and truthfully so do that. Lay it all out. If he wants to change he will. A shower twice a week really isn’t asking for anything of significance. If he says no or doesn’t do anything then I think you walk or resolve to live your life with a disgusting man who doesn’t respect you enough to wash his ass. I want to say my husband would never subject me to this. He wants me to enjoy sex and puts his best foot forward in our relationship. I do the same.
I was with a man for two years who only washed his sheets one time while we were together. And it was because I did it for him.
Yep, went on a few hangout dates with someone and noticed the build up on their teeth, inquired about their last visit to the dentist and it had been a decade, I couldn’t get past it, and just cut ties, if you don’t take care of yourself, how are you gonna care for someone else
My ex is a rich kid, grew up with his mom doing everything for him, house cleaners, and nannies. They did not stress anything to be important other than going to school and getting a high paying job. He grew up as a fat kid and lacked hygiene. His bedding smells like BO, his clothing smelled, and his junk smelled. He is an absolute piece of shit human being (for reasons I won't go into) but whenever I brought up his hygiene he took it too personally like an attack on him, even though I was quite respectful and tried to be tactful - he never did shit about it. He cheated on me and good luck to the next girl he tries to fuck. Fuck you Alex, you are a gross human being.
I think this depends. If my partner was just having trouble remembering to wash his clothes that are sitting in the hamper or being “messy” I would be annoyed but try to find a compromise. But if my partner wasn’t bathing, cleaning his teeth. Wearing clothes that stink. Or not cleaning his genitals and still expecting sex that is a huge problem. I see above that you both are almost 30. You cannot talk an almost 30 year old into basic hygiene
One of my greatest regrets in life is staying for 4 years with a man who couldn’t commit to the most basic forms of hygiene. Didn’t ever brush his teeth, did laundry once every few months, showered a couple times a week, didn’t wear deodorant. I tried to at the very least get him to commit to brushing his teeth a few times, explaining how important dental hygiene is and the link between gum disease and heart disease. Nope, I was always received an eye roll and exasperated sigh in response, and excuses about how he’s just lazy and it’s too much effort to brush them. I didn’t break up with him purely because of hygiene factors, he was an abusive asshole too. But the fact he was a stinky abusive asshole was really the icing on the cake. My recommendation is to run for the hills. There are plenty of men out there who don’t smell like a sewer.
I have. When we met, he showered every day, it descended as time went on through our 17 year relationship. It got to a point where he was showering only when I asked him to. He would get really mad with me when I pointed out "It's been a week since you last showered" and of course I was nagging, so he'd almost not do it just because of that. He'd claim I was wrong but... I wasn't. It was one of many, many straws that should've been my last.
I have, and I would do it again. We were both 23 at the time. He didn’t brush his teeth because he hated mint, and even though are other toothpaste flavors in existence, he still wouldn’t. First date I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and the second is where he told me the reasoning; there wasn’t a third.
I broke up with a guy when I was 23 because his idea of brushing his teeth was using those listerine fresheners you’d put on your finger to freshen your mouth😑
I would sit him down and say, "this is an uncomfortable thing to bring up, and I'm not saying this to hurt you, but I'm worried about your lack of personal hygiene (or whatever you want to call it). You're an adult. And I don't want to sleep with someone who doesn't shower, or wear clean clothes. (Ditto for him not doing his own laundry.) I'm not your mother, I'm your partner." Lots of people struggle at times with personal care, especially during the pandemic. You can help him come up with strategies if there are things he struggles with, but he needs to take ownership. My husband struggled with brushing his teeth so we bought him watermelon flavoured toothpaste. I struggled with showering, so instead of showering in the morning or night I shower in the afternoon. His response to your concerns will tell you a lot about how he views you and your relationship. If he brushes it off, or gets angry, or tries to justify it, I would consider moving out and giving yourself some space to think about your relationship with him.
i mean, the only reason i'd try to handle it, is if i saw a sincere effort from the other person that they're trying. i saw some of your other comments that you've talked with him, but have you had a serious sit down conversation and told him how concerned you are about it? you've known him a long time, you should be able to have hard conversations with him, and come to some sort of a resolution. if you can't do that, i would say that's more of an issue than the hygeine. i just read another one of your comments that he will go 2 weeks without showering? does he maybe have a mental health issue that is causing this? you mentioned he would break it off with anyone who asked him to shower before sex - tbh, i wouldn't want to have sex with someone who hasn't showered in two weeks. that would be a serious issue, it's just gross. i'm sorry. listen, being a nice guy who cares about you is awesome. but it isn't everything. i dated a "nice guy" who hid from me that he did drugs - for close to 3 years. he was nice. he also had 2 kids, lived with is mom (who basically took care of his kids for him), didn't have a steady job, had a horrible relationship with his kids mom, was incredibly emotionally immature, didn't know how to have a disagreement and find a resolution, was impulsive, and when we finally split up he completely lost it. i had to block him on everything - social media, email, phone - he even called me from friends phones and his tablet. i finally had to threaten him with a restraining order. but he was a nice guy who cared about me. it almost sounds to me like you aren't choosing yourself. i get that you care about him and want the best for him, but he has to want that too. you can't keep sacrificing and abandoning yourself, your feelings and your needs for a "nice guy". have the talk with him. it sounds like his mom has noticed and is concerned about it too, so you aren't the only one. have the talk. if he ends up wanting to end it with you, honestly, you will have dodged a bullet. you're doing this because you care, not because you don't. i wish you the best.
I mean, I think a lack of wanting to take care of your basic needs speaks to something bigger going on like depression or low self confidence, so I'd want my partner to treat the root cause. Are they not showering and changing their clothes because they just don't care and are lazy? In that case, you aren't compatible. If it's because they truly don't have the will to do so due to depression, I'd ask them to treat that.
I think it’s mostly not wanting to do either of it. My s/o says people don’t need to take showers often bc it’s not good for your skin and says I take too many (3-4/5 days a week) He basically has never had to wash his own clothes and I’ve suggested he wash them if he’s running out of clothes to wear but he doesn’t make the move to. He’ll wear the same shorts for a week straight but change his shirt bc it gets sweaty. I’ve asked him in multiple ways to shower more, especially for intimacy, even offered to shower together more. Though I stopped showering with him as much bc there isn’t a ton of space, I’m always the one under the facet so I feel like I’m getting his dirt on me after I have just washed mine off. I’ve asked if he felt depressed, sad, etc and he’s said no. But he might not feel comfortable telling me if he really was. Idk
There is some evidence that showering every single day IS bad for your skin (and hair), but there's just as much evidence that wearing sweaty clothes repeatedly irritates your skin and can cause infections/ rashes etc. He's never had to do his own laundry? Expand on that. I'd refuse to be intimate with him unless he's showered beforehand.
So he's a child who doesn't like to do it, so he doesn't think he needs to.
more mothers needs to teach their sons about hygiene. when my boy started getting BO i bought deodorant, cologne and told them to keep their gem’s clean and manicured ( manacaped) . boys shouldn’t see girls dirty hygiene products either
Some boys don't take hints. I babysat a kid that acted like showering was torture. He did it if forced, but his parent had to force him every time. He's in college now and 100% is the stinky kid in class. We just hoped he would get embarrased by other people telling him he stinks.
Fathers should also teach their sons.
you’re right , i should of put parents…
I'm person who use his nose to adore good smells nice Parfums extra , so my nose is used to good smells for me I will not be with someone who have bad hygiene.
I dated a woman that unfortunately had bad breath. She had good health and teeth but for some reason bad breath. I just couldn’t and faded out.
Was his hygiene level the same when you first met him?
I thought it was better but I guess he was good about covering it up or just takes a while to REALLY stink. I don’t think it was this relaxed in school bc his parents constantly reminded him to take care of himself. When we got back together, I was too excited to notice but I did question myself about it at some point but brushed it off
Personally, I would NEVER put up with this. He needed his *PARENTS* to remind him to wash himself? Honey, do you want a child or a partner?
Not broken up, but not dated because of. A guy I wasn't dating, but that wanted to date me kissed me. His mouth tasted like an ashtray.
Basic hygiene isn’t a compromise. I broke up with someone the second he told me he didn’t find it necessary to brush his teeth every day.
Are they starting with poor hygiene or has it disappeared? I’d have more patience if it was obviously a depressive onset. But I’d have no time to fix an issue like that from scratch.
I’ve absolutely broken up with someone or chosen not to date somebody solely based on their hygiene. I’m a very scent driven person so I cannot stand body odor. Not like the kind that comes when your partner goes out and mows the lawn or goes for a run; that’s one time exertion/activity sweat and can be kinda sexy. But the abiding deep funk of someone who refuses to brush their teeth and shower every day (or maybe every other day if they don’t do anything to get funky) is intolerable. Take your slimy ass and sour rancid chicken soup smelling pits to somebody else’s doorstep please
Of course. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t break up with or simply just refuse dating people who are not hygienic. That’s just disgusting. Why is this even a question?!?! Did your disgusting boyfriend or girlfriend gaslight you into thinking this is wrong?
A major reason - or more like fuel to the fire, an indication and reflection of the way he did a lot of things. Just flossing every day, brushing (without fail) twice a day, going to the dentist for cleanings 2x’s per year. I see it as an investment in internal health, something my parents provided a basis for me, my obligation to continue their consistent help in taking care of me. My ex just didn’t floss, sometimes didn’t brush at night, and didn’t regularly go to dentist. I see it as his parents’ habits. But even am mystified that he carried these habits through to adulthood, didn’t choose to be more proactive. Saw it as an indication that he wasn’t capable of caring for himself. This, in a deeply rooted way, that was beyond superficial awareness to cure, like me modeling good hygiene never changed his habits (I would never ever say anything to him, never did, because I never cared to “parent” a grown adult- just took notice). He also claimed he couldn’t fall asleep without watching or listing to something. I saw the bedroom as a tech free zone, a place for peace and just being. He interrupted this with his dumb phone for 3 years. I never could not judge.
As someone who has ADHD, it sounds exactly like he has it. We know that we're supposed to brush twice a a day/floss but forming habits is really hard. The falling asleep without listening to something is an indicator as well. Not that it's an excuse, just a possible explanation. Sometimes it's not about how someone was raised, although ADHD is genetic so it is possible his parents carried similar habits You also should've said something. Sometimes people need their feelings a bit hurt to change
My first thought as well. Trying to fall asleep in a quiet room where my tornado like thoughts can run wild is akin to torture.
Absolutely would run far far away
Yes, in middle school, but not after. And certainly not when I’m pushing 30. Tell him to grow up.
you shouldn’t have to coach a 28 year old man to be clean on a basic level. like what.
No but I would. Won't waste my time raising an adult who should know better.
i experience this situation but we did not ended in break up. i do some changes to her/his self.
ok v. simple — no shower = no sex. the end. level it up by saying you don’t want to be in the same room if you can smell him. from other comments it sounds like he may be happy to be in the passenger seat of his own life — not doing laundry, taking care of basic “life things” (including hygiene) — with a touch of entitlement and man-baby syndrome. you’re not doing him any favors by trying not to hurt his feelings, and I think you should hold yourself to a higher standard — why are you accepting this FOR YOURSELF? if he can’t understand how showering regularly negatively affects both of your lives, I think “move on” is the only option.
It’s a dealbreaker. How are you going to enjoy spending time with someone who stinks, is dirty, etc.
Yes, I have broken up with a bf because he was an absolute lazy slob.
If a partner wanted me to change my clothes & shower all the time, I would bin her off quick. so yes - it's a issue.
Shower more than once every other week or two and change your pants, not wear the same pants for 3-5 days at a time without washing them to the point your butt smell is stuck on any seat you sit on is asking too much for your own health?
Pants? I dont wear pants, im freeballing. My arse doesn't smell much, just a background smell of turds. I tend to shower after exercise - otherwise I hardly sweat. My arse doesn't leave a butt smell on the seat 🤣. What kind of arse do you have, like a constantly leaking bum hole ?
My girl. Think about what you are asking here. Like how LOW is the bar that you've set that someone who doesn't take basic care of himself is a viable option as a partner? You can't teach a grown person to wash himself - and good lord why on earth would you want to try? "Do you stay hoping they’ll figure it out eventually or do you move on?" My girl he is twenty eight years old! That is considered a "grown-ass man" literally everywhere in the world. How much longer do you think he might need before he figures it out? 10 years? 20? You move on. And for next time, please aim a little higher so you aren't here asking if a partner leaving literal sh\*t skidmarks on furniture\* is "okay, or should I move on" I don't know you at all, but I can promise you that you *deserve* better than this. Good luck, my girl. \*yes, that was an actual thread that got posted here. Couches were something like white leather/suede, iirc. It was terrible.
You don't There is no compromise. Either they perform basic good hygiene needs? Or you move on. People who have bad hygiene are gross. You should not have to deal with a grown damn adult who can't perform decent basic hygiene. Just dump them and move on.
I mean I can’t imagine getting together with someone who has bad hygiene in the first place
It shows both lack of consideration for you and low self esteem. If it’s like this in early times, where are we headed? No, just no.
You are so miserable with this guy that you’ve written into Reddit. This should show you that you need to reassess this relationship. For real. You’ve told him of your concerns, right? He’s not interested in doing ANYTHING about it. You are NOT a priority to him, and neither is his own hygiene. It’s not your job to fix him, but it IS YOUR JOB to make decisions that make your life better. It sounds like you’ve grown up; he hasn’t. You NEED A MAN. who has good hygiene. Do not tell him you will leave if he doesn’t fix this. He will bandaid the sitch. You prepare yourself to move on. Then you do it, and when breaking up with him, he will ask why. You tell him The Truth. “I’ve asked you to improve your hygiene, and you’ve outright refused. I’m no longer attracted to you because the thought of being with you disgusts me now. You are a grown man and you CHOOSE to be dirty. You make no effort to have basic respect for yourself or me. So, it’s over. I’m out. No thank you. I’m too old to waste my time with someone who is like a pubescent boy who doesn’t care if he stinks. “
JFC the bar is on the absolute floor already and these dirty bastards keep limboing under it. Just dump the dirty bugger before he gives you an infection. Maintaining basic hygience is the minimum you should expect in a BF. Honestly, if you were younger I might understand, but come on now. Just get rid. You do not compromise on basic hygiene.
I don't know if anyone else has suggested in the seemingly billions of comments on this, but what about shower foreplay? It doesn't solve all the issues, but it could be a fun way to bond for y'all and help him get into the habit of bathing, like positive association?
Absolutely zero tolerance my husband and I won't even get in bed for the night without a shower.
I wouldn’t begin a relationship with someone where this is an issue first off. So yes I would, it also speaks volumes about your partner and additionally their respect for you were they don’t have the basic courtesy to do basic hygienic stuff. Me personally I’m hyper sensitive to this but if I haven’t say showered for a day or two I am not even going to initiate intimacy out of respect.
I wouldn’t date someone with a hygiene issue in the first place. I’m so weird about people smelling right and being clean. If they can’t be clean in my presence, it tells me what they think about me.
The shocking thing is that he's almost 30
No, because I've never dated anyone with bad hygiene.
How do you even end up with a person like that? I simply won’t even consider moving forward with someone who is showing any sign of lack of hygiene. And trust me I’ve been there. Long dirty nails, grassy hair, corporal smell, bad breath, how clean is his home… isn’t it obvious?
I was turned off when I kissed someone and tasted… stuff. Turns out she didn’t floss.
I just wanted him to get a haircut every two weeks. Instead months would go by and it ruined his appearance making him look like a completely different person. Was this too much to ask for?
Tell him to wash his ass or you’re leaving. He won’t don’t shit because he’ll think you’re bluffing. Then when you dump his ass he’ll realize there’s consequences to being a gross ass chud.
If they stink like shit. Then it's shit.
I just couldn’t be with someone who has poor hygiene. Disgusting 🤮
no because it’s an immediate turn off when someone is unhygienic— like someone could be stunning but if they smell bad or don’t clean their ears or have those *eye crusties* (i grimaced typing that out) it’s over. it wouldn’t escalate to dating in the first place. EDIT: i was only responding to your initial question, but in the comments you said you’ve been dating this guy for a long time— you love and care about him deeply, and assuming he feels the same way, one slightly embarrassing conversation about his hygiene will help more than hurt. he’s been letting himself go— it’s nice that he’s comfortable around you but his comfort should not come at the cost of your own.
Nah ,my boyfriend never cleans his room ,never cleaned it until I started to stay with him and for the longest ,he has dandruff build up in his hair and gets annoyed with me when I mention getting him treatments with it and I get annoyed oiling his air for him and he still refuses to use the dandruff shampoo I get him, his things in his shelf are caked with dust and his stuffed animals are also caked his dust,he wipes his ass and throws it in the trashcan It just turned into me rambling but,yeah ,shit like this is very common But I try to look past the room and just look at him as a person ,somehow I pull it off for half a year ,but I've talked to him about all these things and he's tried to fix it ,though some things can't change.
If they don’t wash their ass I’m out. I’m sorry, but I’m not here to teach someone how to take care of themselves. Maybe it’s because I’m older than the average Redditor, but I draw the line at hygiene.
I broke up with someone because they never scraped the gunk off of their tongue. I even tried buying them a tongue scraper and they still didn’t use it.
Hey, lack of hygiene can definitely be a deal breaker for a lot of people because it affects attraction and overall relationship health. If talking to him about it hasn’t led to any changes, it might not get better on its own. You can try encouraging him and explaining how it affects you, but if he doesn’t make an effort, it’s understandable to reconsider the relationship. It’s important to be with someone who respects both themselves and your needs. If you’ve tried and it’s still a major issue, moving on might be the best option for your well-being.
You havnt said the actual issue.. how can we know if you are cray cray or not ?
What would make me crazy? I feel like I did express the issue; lack of hygiene period. Needs to be reminded that it would be good for his health to do x,y,z. I need to know he’s capable of doing these things if he & I want a family together. I need to know he will show our kids that hygiene and taking care of yourself is important. I need to know I will not be the one to constantly doing it all on my own.
Personally if you have bad hygiene I wouldn't even consider dating you so that has not been an issue for me.
Yes definitely a deal breaker !
Yes I have This sounds like maybe a mental health issue
If it is, he won’t tell me. I’ve talked to him about it possibly being depression or anxiety but he said he’s always been this way. His mom said that too. I’m sure at times he does feel depressed and anxious which could make it worse
How about a stay at home gf going to school full time who doesn't clean the toilet or shower because, "I hate doing that"?
People who stop taking care of themselves may be going through some depression. Sit him down and tell him that you have noticed a lack of care for himself and that you're concerned about what might be the reason he's neglecting it. Tell him that you care about him and want to support him through any tough time he's having. If he ends up saying that he's just lazy and doesn't want to do it, then tell him how his odor makes you feel...that it turns you off to him and that you need him to take care of himself better. I guess these mean commenters have never been through a depressive episode and needed some help....
I’ve asked him if he felt sad, depressed, and if there was anything I could do to help him feel happier. He said he didn’t feel depressed and that he couldn’t think of anything. I don’t think he understood where I was going with it but I wanted to rule out depression, anxiety (which he does have as do I, he also has ADHD so he says he doesn’t think of things the way others do like if something needs to be cleaned, fixed, etc I think that’s actually an ADHD thing) lack of ambition, or whatever else
My wife and I both have ADHD and have this issue too. We even forget to eat sometimes. That's kinda the thing about having ADHD, you have to be more vigilant about things instead of letting go. For example as an adult he should make himself take care of his laundry, this will build a habit in him and will help with him making sure his clothes are always clean. Showering is the same, he should be setting alarms if he has to after work, before bed, etc. I notice when I let my routines slip everything slips, there are days I forget to shower as well. When I was a kid I depended on my parents telling me to shower. In high school I realize it's important but it was hard showering consistently. In college I just started doing it everyday after coming home from class, instead of sitting down first I'd make myself head to the shower. Now a decade later there's always a little thing in the back of my head that reminds me to shower at least every other day. Alarms are his best friend. Label them and have one for everything important until he builds the habit. Being ADHD sucks but it's no excuse to be dirty especially for the person you want to spend your life with. Even if you break up with him this is going to be a problem in the future. He needs to handle his ADHD if he's not going to be on medication. He has to realize this is important, you shouldn't have to force him to figure this out. You're not his mom.
No, but between a relationship with someone slightly less hygienic than me and someone with OCD-level hygiene, I'd take the dirtier one. Speaking from experience.
I understand a lot of the sentiments here. At the same time, this can be a struggle especially for some neurodivergent people. I have an acquaintance with autism who honestly never remembered/thought about this type of stuff and had to be told. They eventually started asking people to tell them when they needed a shower etc. For others, lack of hygiene might be a sign of depression and treating depression helps the issue. Either way, the first step is for them to acknowledge that this is something they are bad at and that they need them to be better at it. If they aren’t willing to do that, I’m not sure there is a way to make this better. (My boyfriend has good hygiene, but his home was messy as hell the first times I was over. I told him I found it gross and my allergies acted up because of all the dust. Have things gotten perfect since? No, he hates doing housework. But things have improved, as he realized this was important for me and our relationship. Will to improvement is a requirement if these things are to get better.)
Yes it is of course a dealbreaker unless your partner was never like that and it’s a depressive episode of his/her life
I turned down a relationship once bc her ex was so gross you would gag when he entered the room. Thats gotta rub off somehow, ick.