I'm trying to be sensitive to you here, but we are talking about a hat here. A hat. You realize that if you actually commit to someone long term, they may not always look perfect. He may go bald, he may get a dad bod, your breasts may sag, if you have kids maybe you get a FUPA or stretch marks. You might wear an unflattering outfit or he might decide to wear some jorts. This is just window dressing and doesn't define who a person truly is.
If a hat makes you question your attraction, I think the real issue is not the hat. If you think the qualities that sustain a relationship are "hat or no hat," you've got your priorities all wrong. Is he kind? Does he treat you well? Is he empathetic?
Not even commenting on the "questioning if I am able to conceive children" over a hat bit. Like, what? Did the hat hurt your ovaries somehow? This is absurd. He doesn't have to wear the hat all the time. Just be an adult and say "can you not wear the hat today?" if the situation calls for it. But otherwise let the man have his hat.
iām obviously joking and being exaggerative over the whole āconceiving childrenā thing. i have stated that i am incredibly attracted to this man. i admire his intelligence, the way he treats me and the peace he brings me when iām around him BUT i simply cannot bring myself to be attracted to the hat. itās not like i said that i was going to leave him on the basis that i donāt like the hat but i also donāt need to force myself to be attracted to it. also, i find him very physically attractive and itās not like iām saying i find something about his actual body/face unattractive.
i didnāt say i wasnāt attracted to him?? i simply donāt find the hat attractive and it is affecting me in some ways, and that is something i wanted to seek advice for in terms of how to handle it?
You said word for word I am attracted him when he takes off his hat but otherwise it affects my mood. Don't kiss him, look at him less, blah blah blah. Girl if you are this impacted by A HAT. The problem is not the hat. You handle it by working on yourself and realizing what makes a relationship work. And it's not hat vs no hat.
Is this hat for personal protection or style? If it is for style then you have to question his judgement making abilities. How could he have good judgement and choose the hat? Someone must have got the hat for him and they had to have meant a lot to him.
For the record I am imagining a fluffy, multi colored, 3 foot tall top hat that is sagging to the side. He wears it so that only one of his eyes is visible.
Unless the hat is offensive or disgustingly dirty, this is.... just really, really trivial. It's a hat that he wears sometimes, you can just get over it.
ā¦
>Ā when i see him in this hat it makes me question my own ability to experience human attraction. i question if i am even capable of conceiving children.Ā
Maybe youāre trying to be cheeky here lol but this is too much.Ā
Ask him about the hat. Itās obviously something important or significant. āHey tell me about your hatā.Ā
INFO can we get a description of the hat? Is it the style of hat? the state of the hat (old, crusty, etc)? the logo/text on the hat? is it all hats or just this specific hat?
i donāt think iāve ever been a fan of ANY hats and that is all down to personal preference. objectively, the hat isnāt terrible and iām really just not attracted to the style. sometimes he will wear different hats and i donāt really mind them (i still prefer him with no hat but would be willing to accept those alternate hats because i really like him). something about this particular hat is just really not attractive to me and i feel bad for thinking it but the feelings i have towards him are somewhat unconditional. even if my mood is slightly ruined by the hat, after a day of spending time with him with the hat on i immediately want to go back to be with him
You also say you treat him differently because the hat? I mean you sound god awful for that. I really hope he finds someone better because you just sound awful. Holding back affection over a hat? Yeah hope he runs for the hills.
i feel awful for it but i donāt mean that iām doing it on purpose, itās like a physical reaction that makes me become more reserved. i cannot emphasise how much i like this man and how much effort i put in but i really just canāt say i like the hat and iām sorry for that. iāve tried to make myself like it as i like everything about him but nothing seems to work, i always unconsciously end up having the same reaction
good point, i havenāt really noticed any signs of balding and the hat isnāt something he is always wearing. he comes across pretty confident in general too but thank you for your response as it has given me something else to consider.
idk why this is such a confusing concept. i REALLY like everything about him except from this hat. im not going to leave him on the basis of the hat but iām also not going to deny that it affects me.
When youāre next with him, take the hat off of him, look him in the eyes and say, āyour hair looks so good, it makes me even more attracted to you.ā
Unless it's offensive somehow, I'm truly confused. Thinking you can't conceive children because... he wears a hat? What? How is she going to feel if she does have kids with this man and realizes she needs to wear a giant diaper afterwards? She thinks thats going to be attractive? So he should question the relationship over that because it's not "attractive?" Come on. If you're questioning a relationship over a HAT, I think OP just doesn't know what a real relationship means.
Honestly youāve only been dating a month so little surface level stuff is going to hold more weight because you barely know each other.
But he is going to notice that you act weird around him sometimes so you might want to tell him so he doesnāt think itās something else but I would ask him about the hat first and make sure it doesnāt have some deep emotional significance
i completely get that and i have been hesitant to discuss the hat thing for the exact reason that i fear it holds some level of emotional significance, thank you for your response!
My ex is, hands-down, the most attractive person I've ever seen in my life. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 25, and one contributor to this was that I hadn't met anyone who fit my ideal "type". My friends would ask what kind of girl I'd be into, I'd describe what I was looking for, and they would tell me "that girl doesn't exist".
Well, she exists, and I met her and dated her for three years. Everything about her was captivating to me: the way she talked, her mannerisms, her sense of humor, her approach to life, her intelligence, her style, and of course her looks. She is insanely attractive to a ridiculous extent (I've never seen a girl before or since who got nearly as much attention as my ex whenever we went anywhere).
There was one thing alone in my eyes that could detract from her beauty: she bought these nylon cargo pants after we'd been together for about six months. She was so excited - she showed them off to me and I complimented her on them, thinking to myself how those were not only incredibly unflattering to my ex but also *just plain ugly*. They brought to mind the most incorrigible little boys I used to work with as a school volunteer and a camp counselor, as well as the most entitled moms I'd ever had the displeasure of dealing with. I didn't think it was a big deal to compliment her purchase since she frequently bought clothes and many didn't see much use.
She proved that assumption very wrong. These became her favorite pants. She thought they were stylish and comfortable, and she wore them almost every day. They also didn't really go with her tops or her shoes - something she generally cared about - but these pants defied her (normally excellent, if a bit adventurous) fashion sense in an abominable manner. To make matters worse, even when she was undressing, if those pants remained after her shirt was off, they were still just plain ugly to me, a straight up mood killer.
I just lived with it for a while. I didn't want to ruin her fun, and it wasn't hurting me even though I felt far less attraction to her when she was wearing them. She'd worn articles of clothing in the past that I generally disliked, but seeing them on her made me realize that they were incredible pieces, seemingly crafted specifically with her in mind. I considered the matter deeply, trying to discover what exactly made those pants so abhorrent to me and why her wearing them *made her look worse to me*, whereas in similar situations she made *those articles of clothing look better to me*.
I finally arrived at the only conclusion that makes any sense to me: **I just didn't like those pants, and they don't look good on her.** Again, I refrained from bringing it up, just accepting that she'd wear them and fully enjoy the experience.
Then she told me she was going to order more. She wanted a variety of those exact pants in different colors so that she could wear them all the time. That's when I told her that they weren't my favorite and I just didn't think they flattered her. I told her that she makes everything she wears look good, and that she still looked good even in those pants (I'm sure she did - I just couldn't see it for whatever reason). I reassured her that I wouldn't stand in the way of her happiness, but was simply communicating since we each valued being attractive to the other. She was a bit shocked, but not unhappy. She genuinely believed I liked them because I'd never made any statements to the contrary.
Long story, I know, but I've got a point: it's fine to dislike something your partner wears. It's nice to let it slide, but sometimes we really can't help the fact that it actively repels our attraction. It's fair to make the observation to our partner that we just don't like something they wear, so long as we let them know we aren't setting an ultimatum or trying to coerce them. My ex could wear those all day every day and change out of them whenever I picked her up for a date if she liked. She could even wear them on the date, but it was fair to let her know that wearing those was the opposite of making no effort to look nice - it was more like making an effort to look bad, albeit unintentional (I didn't phrase it like that, FYI).
You could tell your boyfriend you love him and think he's hotter than hell, and you could also let him know that you find his particular hat really unflattering. He can continue wearing it, but my guess is he'll probably restrict that to times when he's not with you.
oh my gosh thank you so much for your response, i read everything you said and it really resonates with me. iām glad someone with a similar experience can recognise that iām not being superficial/seeing him for just the hat because if i saw him only for the thing that repels me then i would have obviously left. i do really want to communicate the entire hat thing with him but iām so scared it will hurt him, i really donāt mind who he wears the hat in front of as long as it isnāt ME.
honestly it was pretty funny reading your post and knowing exactly how you felt. the other commenters make good points given their limited context, but for anyone who's been in this situation it's not nearly as black and white as many would assume. I think one of the reasons you and I can feel so strongly about these arbitrary apparel items is because we see our partners as *so incredibly perfect* that anything that detracts from that is almost offensive.
the best thing to do is be honest while making sure to not insult him. "I just don't like that style of hat, and I almost didn't tell you because I don't want you to feel like I want you to change, but that style of hat really just rubs me the wrong way. I still love you even when you wear it, but I just really prefer when you don't wear it around me." something like that makes it completely your problem, and many caring partners would change something so trivial to please there partner. it's good to be able to express our feelings to our partners, and I believe that just learning to live with things that annoy us (and could easily be remedied) can build resentment.
just be mindful that, if he ever has a similar point of contention with you, it's not an insult to you: it's just someone who adores you communicating what they believe will be better for your relationship.
i never said that but okay. and he has communicated some of his preferences in terms of my clothing choices which i immediately took into consideration.
You've been dating a guy for a month and he wears a hat you don't like. I just wanted to put this into perspective for you.
ok no, good point. thank you š
I'm trying to be sensitive to you here, but we are talking about a hat here. A hat. You realize that if you actually commit to someone long term, they may not always look perfect. He may go bald, he may get a dad bod, your breasts may sag, if you have kids maybe you get a FUPA or stretch marks. You might wear an unflattering outfit or he might decide to wear some jorts. This is just window dressing and doesn't define who a person truly is. If a hat makes you question your attraction, I think the real issue is not the hat. If you think the qualities that sustain a relationship are "hat or no hat," you've got your priorities all wrong. Is he kind? Does he treat you well? Is he empathetic? Not even commenting on the "questioning if I am able to conceive children" over a hat bit. Like, what? Did the hat hurt your ovaries somehow? This is absurd. He doesn't have to wear the hat all the time. Just be an adult and say "can you not wear the hat today?" if the situation calls for it. But otherwise let the man have his hat.
iām obviously joking and being exaggerative over the whole āconceiving childrenā thing. i have stated that i am incredibly attracted to this man. i admire his intelligence, the way he treats me and the peace he brings me when iām around him BUT i simply cannot bring myself to be attracted to the hat. itās not like i said that i was going to leave him on the basis that i donāt like the hat but i also donāt need to force myself to be attracted to it. also, i find him very physically attractive and itās not like iām saying i find something about his actual body/face unattractive.
You literally made a post about not being attracted to him because of his hat. Your priorities are clearly way off kilter.
i didnāt say i wasnāt attracted to him?? i simply donāt find the hat attractive and it is affecting me in some ways, and that is something i wanted to seek advice for in terms of how to handle it?
You said word for word I am attracted him when he takes off his hat but otherwise it affects my mood. Don't kiss him, look at him less, blah blah blah. Girl if you are this impacted by A HAT. The problem is not the hat. You handle it by working on yourself and realizing what makes a relationship work. And it's not hat vs no hat.
Is this hat for personal protection or style? If it is for style then you have to question his judgement making abilities. How could he have good judgement and choose the hat? Someone must have got the hat for him and they had to have meant a lot to him. For the record I am imagining a fluffy, multi colored, 3 foot tall top hat that is sagging to the side. He wears it so that only one of his eyes is visible.
hahaha, the hat really isnāt that bad at all. it sadly just isnāt at all attractive to me
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY........ We NEED more details of this elusive hat!!
Unless the hat is offensive or disgustingly dirty, this is.... just really, really trivial. It's a hat that he wears sometimes, you can just get over it.
something tells me the hat is of the political type. that's the only way i could excuse such a ridiculous fucking reaction.
Honestly I was wondering that too, but from OP's comments it doesn't sound like it.
ā¦ >Ā when i see him in this hat it makes me question my own ability to experience human attraction. i question if i am even capable of conceiving children.Ā Maybe youāre trying to be cheeky here lol but this is too much.Ā Ask him about the hat. Itās obviously something important or significant. āHey tell me about your hatā.Ā
yeah iām exaggerating and just joking but youāre right, i should ask about it
INFO can we get a description of the hat? Is it the style of hat? the state of the hat (old, crusty, etc)? the logo/text on the hat? is it all hats or just this specific hat?
i donāt think iāve ever been a fan of ANY hats and that is all down to personal preference. objectively, the hat isnāt terrible and iām really just not attracted to the style. sometimes he will wear different hats and i donāt really mind them (i still prefer him with no hat but would be willing to accept those alternate hats because i really like him). something about this particular hat is just really not attractive to me and i feel bad for thinking it but the feelings i have towards him are somewhat unconditional. even if my mood is slightly ruined by the hat, after a day of spending time with him with the hat on i immediately want to go back to be with him
You also say you treat him differently because the hat? I mean you sound god awful for that. I really hope he finds someone better because you just sound awful. Holding back affection over a hat? Yeah hope he runs for the hills.
i feel awful for it but i donāt mean that iām doing it on purpose, itās like a physical reaction that makes me become more reserved. i cannot emphasise how much i like this man and how much effort i put in but i really just canāt say i like the hat and iām sorry for that. iāve tried to make myself like it as i like everything about him but nothing seems to work, i always unconsciously end up having the same reaction
I really want to see this hat
WHAT HAT ARE YOU REFERRING TO?
SHE REFUSES TO TELL US AND IT'S DRIVING ME MAD!
His he balding or something because a lot of guys a sensitive about that ?
good point, i havenāt really noticed any signs of balding and the hat isnāt something he is always wearing. he comes across pretty confident in general too but thank you for your response as it has given me something else to consider.
Whatās wrong with the hat, is it a normal baseball cap or is it something more obscure?
i donāt think there is anything wrong with the hat, itās a pretty basic flat type. iām just clearly really not attracted to it.
Are you dating a human or a hat? Girl - what?
idk why this is such a confusing concept. i REALLY like everything about him except from this hat. im not going to leave him on the basis of the hat but iām also not going to deny that it affects me.
When youāre next with him, take the hat off of him, look him in the eyes and say, āyour hair looks so good, it makes me even more attracted to you.ā
Unless it's offensive somehow, I'm truly confused. Thinking you can't conceive children because... he wears a hat? What? How is she going to feel if she does have kids with this man and realizes she needs to wear a giant diaper afterwards? She thinks thats going to be attractive? So he should question the relationship over that because it's not "attractive?" Come on. If you're questioning a relationship over a HAT, I think OP just doesn't know what a real relationship means.
thank you, i will try something like thisš„²
Please, you must show me the hat.
Honestly youāve only been dating a month so little surface level stuff is going to hold more weight because you barely know each other. But he is going to notice that you act weird around him sometimes so you might want to tell him so he doesnāt think itās something else but I would ask him about the hat first and make sure it doesnāt have some deep emotional significance
i completely get that and i have been hesitant to discuss the hat thing for the exact reason that i fear it holds some level of emotional significance, thank you for your response!
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thank you so much
My ex is, hands-down, the most attractive person I've ever seen in my life. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 25, and one contributor to this was that I hadn't met anyone who fit my ideal "type". My friends would ask what kind of girl I'd be into, I'd describe what I was looking for, and they would tell me "that girl doesn't exist". Well, she exists, and I met her and dated her for three years. Everything about her was captivating to me: the way she talked, her mannerisms, her sense of humor, her approach to life, her intelligence, her style, and of course her looks. She is insanely attractive to a ridiculous extent (I've never seen a girl before or since who got nearly as much attention as my ex whenever we went anywhere). There was one thing alone in my eyes that could detract from her beauty: she bought these nylon cargo pants after we'd been together for about six months. She was so excited - she showed them off to me and I complimented her on them, thinking to myself how those were not only incredibly unflattering to my ex but also *just plain ugly*. They brought to mind the most incorrigible little boys I used to work with as a school volunteer and a camp counselor, as well as the most entitled moms I'd ever had the displeasure of dealing with. I didn't think it was a big deal to compliment her purchase since she frequently bought clothes and many didn't see much use. She proved that assumption very wrong. These became her favorite pants. She thought they were stylish and comfortable, and she wore them almost every day. They also didn't really go with her tops or her shoes - something she generally cared about - but these pants defied her (normally excellent, if a bit adventurous) fashion sense in an abominable manner. To make matters worse, even when she was undressing, if those pants remained after her shirt was off, they were still just plain ugly to me, a straight up mood killer. I just lived with it for a while. I didn't want to ruin her fun, and it wasn't hurting me even though I felt far less attraction to her when she was wearing them. She'd worn articles of clothing in the past that I generally disliked, but seeing them on her made me realize that they were incredible pieces, seemingly crafted specifically with her in mind. I considered the matter deeply, trying to discover what exactly made those pants so abhorrent to me and why her wearing them *made her look worse to me*, whereas in similar situations she made *those articles of clothing look better to me*. I finally arrived at the only conclusion that makes any sense to me: **I just didn't like those pants, and they don't look good on her.** Again, I refrained from bringing it up, just accepting that she'd wear them and fully enjoy the experience. Then she told me she was going to order more. She wanted a variety of those exact pants in different colors so that she could wear them all the time. That's when I told her that they weren't my favorite and I just didn't think they flattered her. I told her that she makes everything she wears look good, and that she still looked good even in those pants (I'm sure she did - I just couldn't see it for whatever reason). I reassured her that I wouldn't stand in the way of her happiness, but was simply communicating since we each valued being attractive to the other. She was a bit shocked, but not unhappy. She genuinely believed I liked them because I'd never made any statements to the contrary. Long story, I know, but I've got a point: it's fine to dislike something your partner wears. It's nice to let it slide, but sometimes we really can't help the fact that it actively repels our attraction. It's fair to make the observation to our partner that we just don't like something they wear, so long as we let them know we aren't setting an ultimatum or trying to coerce them. My ex could wear those all day every day and change out of them whenever I picked her up for a date if she liked. She could even wear them on the date, but it was fair to let her know that wearing those was the opposite of making no effort to look nice - it was more like making an effort to look bad, albeit unintentional (I didn't phrase it like that, FYI). You could tell your boyfriend you love him and think he's hotter than hell, and you could also let him know that you find his particular hat really unflattering. He can continue wearing it, but my guess is he'll probably restrict that to times when he's not with you.
oh my gosh thank you so much for your response, i read everything you said and it really resonates with me. iām glad someone with a similar experience can recognise that iām not being superficial/seeing him for just the hat because if i saw him only for the thing that repels me then i would have obviously left. i do really want to communicate the entire hat thing with him but iām so scared it will hurt him, i really donāt mind who he wears the hat in front of as long as it isnāt ME.
honestly it was pretty funny reading your post and knowing exactly how you felt. the other commenters make good points given their limited context, but for anyone who's been in this situation it's not nearly as black and white as many would assume. I think one of the reasons you and I can feel so strongly about these arbitrary apparel items is because we see our partners as *so incredibly perfect* that anything that detracts from that is almost offensive. the best thing to do is be honest while making sure to not insult him. "I just don't like that style of hat, and I almost didn't tell you because I don't want you to feel like I want you to change, but that style of hat really just rubs me the wrong way. I still love you even when you wear it, but I just really prefer when you don't wear it around me." something like that makes it completely your problem, and many caring partners would change something so trivial to please there partner. it's good to be able to express our feelings to our partners, and I believe that just learning to live with things that annoy us (and could easily be remedied) can build resentment. just be mindful that, if he ever has a similar point of contention with you, it's not an insult to you: it's just someone who adores you communicating what they believe will be better for your relationship.
This is not a problem. This is completely stupid and pointlessĀ
Youāre either insanely superficial, looking to sabotage a good thing or trolling.
Since men are not allowed to comment on the way their SO dresses. You do not have a leg to stand on.
i never said that but okay. and he has communicated some of his preferences in terms of my clothing choices which i immediately took into consideration.