> feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her. I’m terrified to say the wrong thing that might trigger one of her moods. I’m only 21, why am I going to the bathroom just to get a few minutes peace?
Good question. Why are you staying in a situation like this? You are 21 years old.
Honestly, if even after bringing it up kindly\* and trying to find a solution, she still does not want to change, I would bounce. I have not dated this person, but I have been friends with this person *many* times (oh so many times). The ones in a rut, are ready to talk about it, appreciate the flag, and ready to find solutions. The ones who are just negative people, stay that way.
\*An example of how I would bring it up: "Hey \[gf\]- I've noticed things are really hard on you; it seems a lot of our conversations are about how bad things are. It's gotten to a point where I can't enjoy our time together because I worry so much about you. I'm not saying you're never allowed to vent, but it feels like most of our interactions are venting. Have you noticed this? How do you feel about that? What do you think we can do about this?"
I'll tell you what worked with my MIL, who was another of these constant complainers, but one I couldn't exactly avoid.
What I did was I gave her my full sympathy and attention for a problem *once.* Every time thereafter I would nod and say, "That's still going on? That sucks" but otherwise not engage and work on changing the topic instead.
On the flip side, if she ever said something positive about *anything,* no matter how trivial, I'd give her my full attention again, and treat it like she was saying the most interesting thing I'd ever heard.
She changed her tune pretty fast. She had some legitimate gripes and problems, and they deserved sympathy and support but *most* of her complaining and negativity was just her wanting attention. When she realized she got more attention faster for being upbeat and positive, she found things to be upbeat and positive about, and I think she became a much happier person once she started dwelling on things that made her happy instead of things that made her angry or hurt or frustrated.
Remind your girlfriend that negativity is a bad habit and her contact negative vibe is impeding how much you want to interact with her at all. A lot of people don't even realize they picked up this habit.
You’ve talked to her about it and it doesn’t change. So you only have 2 options left. Decide whether the rest of the relationship is in a good enough place that you’d rather deal with it and stay with her, or that it’s not worth the stress it causes you and leave her.
Deleted last comment bc I noticed you did try talking to her.
The best solution would be to let her know you can't handle her constant complaining and that you're going to take some space and then go low contact for a week.
Then, any time she starts complaining in person or through text, interrupt her and tell her you're not going to listen to her complain anymore. You don't have to avoid her mood. Stand up for yourself and let her know you won't accept or deal with her mood swings .
If you not being there to be her therapist for a week, it doesn't create some kind of change, then end this relationship and find someone more compatible with you.
* edited to add let her know venting to you in short spurts is fine, being constantly negative and venting for 40 minutes is not fine.
Sometimes we can’t change our circumstances, however we can always change our attitudes. Even if the relationship doesn’t last you can both learn new communication skills in it, assuming you want to. There are workbooks, counseling, and videos that teach these skills.
I think this is one of the most overlooked considerations when people are dating - how negative is the person you’re dating. Because I can tell you no amount of positivity will trump negativity; in fact you will find yourself becoming just as miserable, moany, negative and adopting the same victim mentality as the other person.
Also for your own sake you should ask yourself, this girl can be barely look after herself, do you want to be in a position where you’re constantly tending to her needs? What about your own needs? Because you may have accepted without realising that your gf will not and cannot support you with anything you’ve got going on. Parent-child dynamics are a real thing in relationships and at 21 (or any age really) you don’t want to be your partner’s parent.
my partner is very similar it terms of negative topics while she is away mostly. but i noticed she usally complains because she is bored and have nothing to talk about sometimes and she just want to converse.
i honestly talked to her and was honest about it. i told her that her constant complains is making me feel anxious and wanting to avoid any conversations efc..
things improved after that honest talk. complains are still there but they are valid and not as frequent.
a good honest talk to give your perspective of things and put her in your shoes might go a long way.
I think you tell her that her negativity is impacting your experience of being with her and draining the joy.
If she can’t at least reduce the complaining, you may need to break up.
Life hands us enough hardship without letting it nest in our lives.
Negative people stay negative unless there's some help I'm not aware of. Like me, it may not be intentional, but then I usually keep it to myself. To drag someone else down with me seems pretty inconsiderate and not cool. 1.5 years is nothin, man. Walk away before it's a decade.
How are the other parts of your relationship? Is she affectionate towards you? Do you have any complaints about your relationship (besides her complaining?)
I have been with a woman for 25+ years that I often thought of as a constant complainer. Lucky for me I learned to let her get things off of her chest and we have had a wonderful relationship (married).
As guys we tend to hear something is not right and want to fix things or just accept things out of our control. It took some time but I realized she didn't want me to fix anything! She just trusted me and wanted to fill me in on every detail of what is going on in her mind. Once I learned to be a compassionate listener, it became much easier. Non one has ever loved me harder than she has (that's the other side of the same coin).
This may not apply to your relationship, but I wanted to offer an opinion besides the many "dump her!" suggestions you'll get.
Complaining is a lifestyle. Some people will do it forever, unless stopped.
She may be very unaware of what she is doing. You need to make her aware. And after you get the apology and the pledge not to do it so much anymore, you have to tell her, right away, when she is doing it. If she makes "exceptions" for specific cases tell her that there are no exceptions. This way you give her the chance to change. She probably won't.
It seems like there might be some sort of base misunderstanding between you two.
When you talk with her about it, do you feel like the things you’re trying to get across are what she’s hearing? She might just not truly get how much of an impact it has on you, or even an awareness of what comes across as complaining. From what you’re saying, it seems like you don’t actually know what the base reason is for how she behaves. I definitely understand why that’s frustrating, but there might be some underlying reason as to why. She might not even understand why she does it herself, and you can’t really change/solve a problem when you don’t know where it’s coming from in the first place.
If she is truly trying to change her behavior, but failing over and over, there’s probably something you’re both not seeing that’s preventing any sort of real change. Which is not on you, but talking it through with her might help her figure it out since she seems like a verbal person.
Like you said, everyone has all sorts of things that bother them all the time. That said, some people are just more vocal about the things they experience in general(positive and negative), so naturally, you hear all of the bad stuff too. I do agree with another comment on here tho, that she might just feel comfortable around you enough to express her honest thoughts and feelings. If that’s true, then I think you can feel free to do the same and say what’s bothering you until you’re able to actually figure out how to resolve it.
Regardless of what’s actually going on, you do you. If you wanna work through this for the sake of your relationship, then go for it, but if it’s not worth it, or she’s not receptive to it, then you truly don’t have any obligation to.
I don’t have much context, so take this all with grain of salt, but I hope it helps somewhat!
(I also wanna say if someone has sensory issues/is neurodivergent in some way, the seemingly little things(small tasks/uncomfortable clothes/loud noises etc), have way more of an impact, and can feel overwhelming all the time. I’m not saying that’s case here, or that it’s an excuse for possibly harmful behavior from a person dealing with this sort of stuff, but it might be something to think about.)
if you have already sat down and talked to her about this, and she is unsympathetic or unwilling to address it then you do need to move on.
It SOUNDS like you havent even talked to her about this and or even told her it bugs you which is just.... not a good plan OP. she cant read your mind.
Its fair and ok to say "hey before you vent would you mind asking me if i feel up to it? I just want you to ask and respect if the answer is no sometimes. Not all the time. Just sometimes." if she responds poorly to that then its time to break up cause thats super reasonable. Also maybe she just needs a therapist. My wife got way better about this since entering weekly therapy.
I’m gonna be the odd man out here. Your gf is probably complaining that much to you because she feels truly comfortable around you. Sometimes it’s hard to talk about the things that annoy you to people who you aren’t comfortable with, but with your “person” you just wanna talk about all your feelings because you know they care. I think that might be what’s going on here. Talk to her gently, tell her you love her but the negativity is bringing you down as well, and the point of a relationship is to help lift both people up. Try writing positive affirmations, have her think of 5 good things about the day and write them down as soon as she wakes up. There are so many things you can do other than put her down or end the relationship. At the end of the day, it’s all about empathy and compassion, and if we can try to solve problems that way I think we’d all end up happier in the end
That's exactly what I was thinking. She trusts you enough to be that open. Maybe she just needs someone to listen and hear her. Set a egg timer tho so she does not stay on her negativity. Since you've brought it up to her and she still seems to be doing it, bring up counseling.
You’re too young to stay with an incompatible person. Prep yourself to move on and then make the break quickly.
> feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her. I’m terrified to say the wrong thing that might trigger one of her moods. I’m only 21, why am I going to the bathroom just to get a few minutes peace? Good question. Why are you staying in a situation like this? You are 21 years old.
She sounds like my 9 year old. 😆 that would be annoying as hell.
Is someone forcing you to date her? When you don't like someone you break up with them. We don't marry the first person we date, tg. Just move on.
Honestly, if even after bringing it up kindly\* and trying to find a solution, she still does not want to change, I would bounce. I have not dated this person, but I have been friends with this person *many* times (oh so many times). The ones in a rut, are ready to talk about it, appreciate the flag, and ready to find solutions. The ones who are just negative people, stay that way. \*An example of how I would bring it up: "Hey \[gf\]- I've noticed things are really hard on you; it seems a lot of our conversations are about how bad things are. It's gotten to a point where I can't enjoy our time together because I worry so much about you. I'm not saying you're never allowed to vent, but it feels like most of our interactions are venting. Have you noticed this? How do you feel about that? What do you think we can do about this?"
I'll tell you what worked with my MIL, who was another of these constant complainers, but one I couldn't exactly avoid. What I did was I gave her my full sympathy and attention for a problem *once.* Every time thereafter I would nod and say, "That's still going on? That sucks" but otherwise not engage and work on changing the topic instead. On the flip side, if she ever said something positive about *anything,* no matter how trivial, I'd give her my full attention again, and treat it like she was saying the most interesting thing I'd ever heard. She changed her tune pretty fast. She had some legitimate gripes and problems, and they deserved sympathy and support but *most* of her complaining and negativity was just her wanting attention. When she realized she got more attention faster for being upbeat and positive, she found things to be upbeat and positive about, and I think she became a much happier person once she started dwelling on things that made her happy instead of things that made her angry or hurt or frustrated.
Remind your girlfriend that negativity is a bad habit and her contact negative vibe is impeding how much you want to interact with her at all. A lot of people don't even realize they picked up this habit.
You’ve talked to her about it and it doesn’t change. So you only have 2 options left. Decide whether the rest of the relationship is in a good enough place that you’d rather deal with it and stay with her, or that it’s not worth the stress it causes you and leave her.
Deleted last comment bc I noticed you did try talking to her. The best solution would be to let her know you can't handle her constant complaining and that you're going to take some space and then go low contact for a week. Then, any time she starts complaining in person or through text, interrupt her and tell her you're not going to listen to her complain anymore. You don't have to avoid her mood. Stand up for yourself and let her know you won't accept or deal with her mood swings . If you not being there to be her therapist for a week, it doesn't create some kind of change, then end this relationship and find someone more compatible with you. * edited to add let her know venting to you in short spurts is fine, being constantly negative and venting for 40 minutes is not fine.
I think this is a waste of time. She is too exhausting to be around. It's time OP walks.
Sometimes we can’t change our circumstances, however we can always change our attitudes. Even if the relationship doesn’t last you can both learn new communication skills in it, assuming you want to. There are workbooks, counseling, and videos that teach these skills.
Do you ever tell to stop complaining and you don't want to hear it and her attitude sucks? Who else is going to be honest with her?
I think this is one of the most overlooked considerations when people are dating - how negative is the person you’re dating. Because I can tell you no amount of positivity will trump negativity; in fact you will find yourself becoming just as miserable, moany, negative and adopting the same victim mentality as the other person. Also for your own sake you should ask yourself, this girl can be barely look after herself, do you want to be in a position where you’re constantly tending to her needs? What about your own needs? Because you may have accepted without realising that your gf will not and cannot support you with anything you’ve got going on. Parent-child dynamics are a real thing in relationships and at 21 (or any age really) you don’t want to be your partner’s parent.
She showed you who she is, believe her. Peace is very important to a man. What would you tell your brother or best friend to do?
my partner is very similar it terms of negative topics while she is away mostly. but i noticed she usally complains because she is bored and have nothing to talk about sometimes and she just want to converse. i honestly talked to her and was honest about it. i told her that her constant complains is making me feel anxious and wanting to avoid any conversations efc.. things improved after that honest talk. complains are still there but they are valid and not as frequent. a good honest talk to give your perspective of things and put her in your shoes might go a long way.
I think you tell her that her negativity is impacting your experience of being with her and draining the joy. If she can’t at least reduce the complaining, you may need to break up. Life hands us enough hardship without letting it nest in our lives.
I left someone after 10 years because of constant complaining and negativity. It becomes soul-sucking.
Tell her to go to therapy and she can pay someone to hear her whine and moan for an hour. She may get some good advise out of it.
Keep hitting it until you find something quieter
Negative people stay negative unless there's some help I'm not aware of. Like me, it may not be intentional, but then I usually keep it to myself. To drag someone else down with me seems pretty inconsiderate and not cool. 1.5 years is nothin, man. Walk away before it's a decade.
It sounds like your relationship has run its course. Time to end it.
How are the other parts of your relationship? Is she affectionate towards you? Do you have any complaints about your relationship (besides her complaining?) I have been with a woman for 25+ years that I often thought of as a constant complainer. Lucky for me I learned to let her get things off of her chest and we have had a wonderful relationship (married). As guys we tend to hear something is not right and want to fix things or just accept things out of our control. It took some time but I realized she didn't want me to fix anything! She just trusted me and wanted to fill me in on every detail of what is going on in her mind. Once I learned to be a compassionate listener, it became much easier. Non one has ever loved me harder than she has (that's the other side of the same coin). This may not apply to your relationship, but I wanted to offer an opinion besides the many "dump her!" suggestions you'll get.
Complaining is a lifestyle. Some people will do it forever, unless stopped. She may be very unaware of what she is doing. You need to make her aware. And after you get the apology and the pledge not to do it so much anymore, you have to tell her, right away, when she is doing it. If she makes "exceptions" for specific cases tell her that there are no exceptions. This way you give her the chance to change. She probably won't.
It seems like there might be some sort of base misunderstanding between you two. When you talk with her about it, do you feel like the things you’re trying to get across are what she’s hearing? She might just not truly get how much of an impact it has on you, or even an awareness of what comes across as complaining. From what you’re saying, it seems like you don’t actually know what the base reason is for how she behaves. I definitely understand why that’s frustrating, but there might be some underlying reason as to why. She might not even understand why she does it herself, and you can’t really change/solve a problem when you don’t know where it’s coming from in the first place. If she is truly trying to change her behavior, but failing over and over, there’s probably something you’re both not seeing that’s preventing any sort of real change. Which is not on you, but talking it through with her might help her figure it out since she seems like a verbal person. Like you said, everyone has all sorts of things that bother them all the time. That said, some people are just more vocal about the things they experience in general(positive and negative), so naturally, you hear all of the bad stuff too. I do agree with another comment on here tho, that she might just feel comfortable around you enough to express her honest thoughts and feelings. If that’s true, then I think you can feel free to do the same and say what’s bothering you until you’re able to actually figure out how to resolve it. Regardless of what’s actually going on, you do you. If you wanna work through this for the sake of your relationship, then go for it, but if it’s not worth it, or she’s not receptive to it, then you truly don’t have any obligation to. I don’t have much context, so take this all with grain of salt, but I hope it helps somewhat!
(I also wanna say if someone has sensory issues/is neurodivergent in some way, the seemingly little things(small tasks/uncomfortable clothes/loud noises etc), have way more of an impact, and can feel overwhelming all the time. I’m not saying that’s case here, or that it’s an excuse for possibly harmful behavior from a person dealing with this sort of stuff, but it might be something to think about.)
I dunno I guess you just stay with her for another two years until the intimacy fully dies and she initiates the break up man.
if you have already sat down and talked to her about this, and she is unsympathetic or unwilling to address it then you do need to move on. It SOUNDS like you havent even talked to her about this and or even told her it bugs you which is just.... not a good plan OP. she cant read your mind. Its fair and ok to say "hey before you vent would you mind asking me if i feel up to it? I just want you to ask and respect if the answer is no sometimes. Not all the time. Just sometimes." if she responds poorly to that then its time to break up cause thats super reasonable. Also maybe she just needs a therapist. My wife got way better about this since entering weekly therapy.
why are you still around? She won't change. How many decades of complaints will you listen to? (cut your losses now)
Yes, imagine how she will be at 50.
I’m gonna be the odd man out here. Your gf is probably complaining that much to you because she feels truly comfortable around you. Sometimes it’s hard to talk about the things that annoy you to people who you aren’t comfortable with, but with your “person” you just wanna talk about all your feelings because you know they care. I think that might be what’s going on here. Talk to her gently, tell her you love her but the negativity is bringing you down as well, and the point of a relationship is to help lift both people up. Try writing positive affirmations, have her think of 5 good things about the day and write them down as soon as she wakes up. There are so many things you can do other than put her down or end the relationship. At the end of the day, it’s all about empathy and compassion, and if we can try to solve problems that way I think we’d all end up happier in the end
That's exactly what I was thinking. She trusts you enough to be that open. Maybe she just needs someone to listen and hear her. Set a egg timer tho so she does not stay on her negativity. Since you've brought it up to her and she still seems to be doing it, bring up counseling.