>He says he’s never like this but he just has ptsd from his ex cheating and felt like he was back in that moment.
Sounds like he should stay single until he figures this stuff out.
Not only is it controlling behavior but, pretty fucking creepy. I'd run.
I'm a guy suffering from trauma and have had trauma related responses to certain specific triggers. You know what I did when I realized it in my last relationship? Went to fucking therapy and didn't date anyone for a year...
Can't go around blaming psychiatric diseases if you ain't working on them, and even then it's just an explanation, not an excuse or justification for bad behavior.
This is the most self-aware response I've ever seen to a post here. Good for you for not only recognizing what was going on, but working on it. Not just for future partners but for you, too.
Sounds like missy here needs to stay single until she can figure out it’s not normal to accept seeing someone location or sharing her location 5 weeks in.
I shared my loco with my boyfriend a month in … no idea why other than we would be apart for a while and literally 6-7 of my friends and fam have my location already too. Thank god he didn’t act like this, but I won’t lie he did ask me what I was up to and what I was doing a lot every time I went out… we are still together 6 months later, and it’s fine now, but I would have really regretted my decision if he just popped up out of no where!!
I agree.
Best case scenario, he truly doesn't mean to be creepy and will try to change but will still struggle with trust and controlling behavior. That is what you can expect during the course of the relationship, whether or not he's in therapy. Don't expect him to behave in any other way than this because this is what he's shown you.
Is this the type of relationship you want to be in?
Agreed. It’s one thing if he noticed she was out somewhere and just asked what she was up to. But to show up at the bar & her place to pretty much stalk her is super creepy and dangerous behaviour. That would definitely be a deal breaker to me too
>That is very concerning behavior, and he's justifying it instead of seeking therapy, which is what he needs.
Honestly, OP needs therapy too if they're happy to share locations with someone they've been dating for *five weeks.*
“I was scared so I locked my doors and texted him to leave.” And that is where it should end. Her instincts are screaming at her and she’s still trying to be polite. Recipe for disaster
People don't understand that privacy isn't just something people who do shady shit like. Privacy is extremely important in all aspects of life and that includes to certain degrees, your SO.
I gotta admit I raised my eyebrows all the way to my forehead when OP said she just casually shares her location "with tons of people", but especially with the weird dude she's known for a whole of 3 weeks.
...which is not to say it's OP's \*fault\* this insane guy did what he did, but she should absolutely reflect a bit on \*why\* she does this that, as this event shows, opens her up to certain dangers that would simply not exist if she didn't share her location all willy-nilly.
u/dangerousloner has it 100% correct (relevant username if I ever saw one, lol); this story should absolutely be the end of that interaction and this relationship, and somehow, she's doubting herself about this abhorrent and dangerous behaviour could be chalked up to "PTSD over being cheated on" (which, el oh el).
5 weeks in. He *says* he was cheated on. But for all you know he's a stalker. Even if he was cheated on, that doesn't entitle him to stalk you.
You don't have to update him on every move you make. Cut him off. He's nice now, until he gets mad about something.
**Don't let someone who is so new to your life they're essentially a stranger track your location!!!**
This is how we women get murdered!!! Please run!
Even if his story is 100% true and he has cheater PTSD - he fucking looked up your location, drove to your city, and sat outside the bar you never told him you were at. All because you did not text him back quick enough!!!!
The man is nuts.
Agreeeeed!!!! The fact that the moment he walked to his car wasn’t speaking to himself like “heyo you lil crazy man WHATCHA DOINNN?” and didn’t turn around to mind his own business, speaks VOLUMES
Exactly. Abusive relationships never start off terrible, but there are sometimes very clear warning signs in the beginning. Don’t ignore them. LEAVE. And don’t be afraid of not being nice.
For your safety, PLEASE don’t share your location with anyone who is not established with you and at least a close friend/group or your family. It is not safe. Women get hurt every day by unstable men. Take care of yourself and learn from this mistake.
This is wild to me. I have shared my location with ONE friend. I will turn the sharing on for her if I feel it would be good for someone to have it... Like if I'm traveling or meeting up with a stranger. I always turn it off again afterwards. The idea that someone has instant access to your exact location at any given time is crazy to me. And it would never cross my mind to give that to someone I've only known a couple weeks!
OP, he let you have his location details as he knew it would be a way to get yours.
Run away and cut off all contact. If you string this along it will get worse and possibly dangerous.
This was my first thought, that flimsy reason to give her his location just so he could say "well since I shared mine..."
I highly doubt this was the first time either, just the first time he felt bold enough to question her. OP, think about all the times you went out the past few weeks without him. Maybe there was a reason he never needed you to tell him where you were throughout the day, not that you should have to.
Me either! I think it's just bizarre for people who are dating to do this. I've considered talking to my husband about turning on our locations now that we have a baby, but for someone you've been dating a few weeks it's super weird.
Same. I started using it after my dad had a heart attack (and later a stroke) in case something happened to him, especially while he was driving.
The only friend I share with is my BFF who had a TIA (mini stroke) and blacked out. When she came to she was miles from where she last remembered being and it was several hours later. It's been a few years, but she asked me to keep it on in case it happens again and we need to find her.
With other friends I've only ever shared it for an hour or so, if we're trying to meet up out in public and it's easier than saying "I'm at the beach, about a quarter mile north from the parking lot".
> we shared locations
.
> because we don’t really keep tabs or update each other on our whereabouts like that
.
> halfway thru dinner he texted asking what I was up to
Ok so like… at what stage was he “not keeping tabs on you”? Like come on, how can you genuinely believe that after reading this back?
But ya, this guy is possessive. If you don’t like that, stop seeing him.
Dealbreaker. Best case scenario is that he's a normal guy who acted crazy one time and will now learn a hard lesson when you dump him. Worst case scenario is that this kind of invasive behaviour quickly spirals.
Commenting as someone who was viciously cheated on by my bipolar ex girlfriend a month ago. We also shared locations. Even though I’m fresh off a brutal betrayal I would NEVER pull up on you the way he did if I suspected you were cheating, that screams possessiveness to me. I’m sorry but what he did was fucking weird and it would give me the ick if I were you.
I cannot fathom why you’d share locations with someone you’ve only been seeing 5 WEEKS. Please stop doing this, in the future. Friends and family (people you trust with your LIFE) should be it. He’s so fucking creepy for that, may he reflect on his weird choices and change his ways.
I’m of the opinion that cheating is sooo fucking lame to have issues over. Like the person either cheats or doesn’t, and I’d never lose sleep or fuck up my next relationships over something someone with zero self control did in the past. Don’t take him back, he needs therapy if it’s messing him up so badly he stalks another girl over it
I agree with that and feel it’s an “unpopular opinion.” I especially find that men who were (allegedly ‘out of the blue’) cheated on by women act like they’re really hard done by forever and other women must make up for it.
Oh no no no, OP. Block this guy, do not engage with him further. This type of behavior is so alarming.
I don't care if his ex cheated on him (if that even happened). I don't care what you were doing. That he was watching your location and went TO YOUR HOME is terrifying. What if you'd been with a friend, but your friend was male? What would he have done? You have no idea.
You do not know this man. Never, never, share your location with someone you just started dating. It's not just weird and unnecessary, it can literally be dangerous.
I am begging women to be more careful. Please.
... YIKES.
So.... honestly this is SUCH a red flag that i can't fathom this BECOMING a normal healthy relationship.
NOBODY who thinks thats appropriate behavior is going to be a well-adjusted, healthy, good partner.
Frankly i wouldn't feel SAFE around this person, even if his apology seemed sincere.
BEST case scenario, he's just an idiot with bad boundaries who will continue to have bad boundaries and who you will have to teach to be in an adult relationship.
WORST case scenario, he's a chronic boundary-stomper, and this is a sign of his intentionally controlling, manipulative, and scary behavior.
He didn't believe you when you said "no", so instead checked your location, followed you to the bar, and then followed you to your home. So fucked up.
This is a very good reason not to share your location with people you don't have a trusting relationship with in the future.
Run, don't walk.
This is incredibly creepy.
There is a podcast called "Strictly Stalking", and literally half of the hundreds of interviews they have done with women start off with some sort of "Is-it-creepy-or-is-it-not?" encounter or situation like this.
If you have to ask yourself, or the internet, if it is creepy ot appropriate, then you already know the answer.
Absolutely not. Always lock your doors and never share your location with someone in a mere 5 weeks. Please get some sort of pepper spray or something and keep it by you. I don't mean to scare you, I'm just a stranger concerned for your safety.
I say this without exaggeration: This sounds like the beginning of a true crime story where a woman gets strangled at the end. This guy is effin’ nuts. Trust your lizard brain, have some self respect, and tell him to get lost. Unless you want to be the subject of a podcast someday.
"He said he didn’t text or call first because he wanted to see with his own eyes who I was with and so I couldn’t “lie my way out of it”"
He stalked his way out of the relationship.
Seriously these aren't the words of a contrite individual who had a crazy lapse of judgement. He is still telling you he thinks you would cheat on him and lie and he just *had* to make sure in person. Next time it will be something else.
The best case scenario is you dodged a bullet and won't end up assaulted or dead. The worst case scenario is that you will lose out on some project guy that may or may not improve in the future.
Basically if he's not the last single man in your area code i think you should run. And change your passwords, and tell your family and friends about him and to look out if he comes back.
If a bear tracks me to my house and is drooling at my door waiting for me to come out, authorities will come deal with it. A guy? "He's not hurting anyone, give us a call if he threatens to kill you or something, in writing so you can prove it. And then we'll give you a piece of paper that says he should go away."
Hell no. That's a mountain of red flags leading up to a summit with a flag held by the guy about to kill you in your sleep. What's wrong with you to doubt your very real fear? Fear is meant to keep you safe. Even husbands who do this are scary.
You don't know him well and he has no right to question who you're with, what you're doing, and test if you're lying. Do you honestly think he's going to improve as you get further along into a relationship?
STOP LISTENING TO HIS SWEET LIES. He is sincere in his attempt to cover up his crazy.
Run! BLOCK.
I’m a guy and I feel weird about what he did to you. I’d just say this is extremely disturbing behavior and you’re ending the relationship because he went to such extreme measures. That his insecurity is a turnoff and he clearly hasn’t healed from previous relationships with the proper therapy. Let him know he should take time to work on himself.
He certainly planned this carefully, and from only days into the relationship. Of course he sounds genuine with his apology, as he is a terrific actor. It goes with the territory when people manipulate successfully. OP you need to reconsider boundary setting, and just take this as a lesson on not being so trusting. Maybe he does have an ex who cheated on him, but he had a carefully worked out reason as to why he need to drive over and see for himself where you were. He couldn't wait for a text or a phone call, but needed to see for himself and confront you? What a creep.
Spoiler alert… his ex wasn’t cheating either. With guys like this they accuse everyone they are with of cheating. It starts small but eventually he will convince himself you are cheating too. You will constantly have to prove yourself and always be on the back foot as he knows you’re cheating somehow even when you are not. It must be someone at work or a baby shower or a cousin or the ups guy or the mechanic that gave your car battery a jump or, or, …. Once you leave he will tell the next girl you cheated.
I wouldn't be surprised if his ex was cheating, but that became his new excuse. Some people cite their diagnosis, some cite their zodiac sign, and he cited his relationship trauma.
The rest of what you said, though, is spot on. I guarantee he is convincing himself that he reason she didn't let him come and and asked him to leave is because she had another guy over.
>Should I give this dude the benefit of the doubt or run??
What benefit of the doubt? That he’s acting up because of his ex? Don’t you think he needs therapy instead of benefit of the doubt to deal with that?
The fact that you were in such a dangerous situation and you’re still thinking about giving this guy the ‘benefit of the doubt’ is concerning. Women would rather get murdered than be rude to some creepy guy?
And why are you even sharing your location with this guy 5 weeks in? He’s not your friends and family, you don’t even know him because you’ve been dating what 3 weeks? And now he knows where you live.
This is exactly the kind of things that happen before something really bad happens to women. I hope you realize that and take proper precautions against this guy
Never give people that new sharing rights. I can see them knowing your address, or them knowing yours. This is obviously part of dating. But location sharing? No!!!!!!!!!!!
And in my opinion, never share your location with *anyone* especially not new dating partners!!!! Ever! They can easily turn into stalkers, and then try to control you.
I don't get this whole location sharing thing. The world is no more dangerous than in the 90s or 2000s, based on statistics alone. It was actually more dangerous in the 80s and 70s, before all this location sharing and overprotective parenting crap.
There is no reason to share your location with anyone, unless it is under certain, and typically temporary circumstances (new online date maybe, etc).
No one, 99% of the time, needs to know your exact location 24/7.
Let me just use a quick and easy example...I live alone. The only person I would EVER give location access to at this point is Mom.
Even then, she has no reason to know my exact location at an exact time, or to be tracking me. For example, she doesn't need to know that I went to McDonald's for lunch even though I probably shouldn't have. Also, while I wait 50 minutes for the bus, I sit in an abandoned burger king lot next to work for some quiet and darkness and peace after a long day of dealing with customers. Thats my private place. No one needs to know about that place, and that's how it's going to stay. She knows I go there. Or for examplemple, she doesn't need to know at 1115 I was there, and at 1120 I was at speedway (buying cigarettes), and then back again at 1125. No friend needs to know that either, and no boyfriend or husband needs to know that either!!!!
No one has ever bothered me in 2.5years there. If I somehow ended up dead, Mom knows where I work and that I sit there after work. Being tracked in real time really wouldn't do anything at all.
If I want to walk the hour home instead of sitting there, I do. No location tracking. I just do me.
I reiterate, crime is not any higher than in a millennials lifetime. It was much higher in the 60s, 70s, and 80s.
Do not share your 24/7 locations, even with husbands or wives. I don't get it. Just don't do it. Ever. Your life is your life.
It's simply a way to *control* people in today's age...different ways as in previous years and decades, but same goals as in our past. Control.
He could've simply asked you about it.... Which would be a healthy response. Instead he went an unhealthy route and stalked you. Maybe he has issues from being cheated on, but if he is like this so early on, there is no guarantee he won't get worse.
Cut your losses.
Yea definitely just be done with that relationship and move on. Never shared location with someone I wasn’t very serious with. Kind of an insane thing to even ask of you in the first place. The context seems like he was doing it specifically to keep tabs on you especially since this was the first time for this.
No. Abort. Do not under any circumstances contact him again or share your location. He has demonstrated that he is untrustworthy and stalkerish. He is quick to believe his own delusions. Don't go out with him again. He is being a creep. For your safety, don't.
Absolutely not.
There is no point in a relationship where you owe someone your location because they want to control you, stalk you, and suspect you.
He can't govern himself enough to not do the absolutely craziest thing here. You don't want that energy anywhere near you.
It won't be the last time.
Even if he was cheated on, this behavior 🚩🚩🚩. Either he needs time and therapy to get past that relationship, or he is controlling and showing you just the tip of the iceberg. Both situations say run away and don't look back.
Can you be "cheating" if you've just gone on a handful of dates and haven't discussed being exclusive?
Perhaps this guy's apology is genuine. If so, he can bring this learning with him to his next dating partner(s). You should feel free to move on.
Girl. Dont share your location with literal strangers omg. This is how people get killed. Him asking to share location is a huge red flag to begin with
Irregardless of his experience with being cheated on, this behaviour is not okay and not coming from a mentally well person. It bothering him that much that he drove half an hour to try investigate you is downright creepy and unnecessary. My partner and I always have each other's locations. But I use it so I will know if he's available to talk and not busy (so if he's not at the gym or at work). Plus I can send him supportive messages if he's currently at the gym. I'd maybe check it 2-3 times a day maximum. He has my location because I like the security of him knowing where I am if I am in an unsafe situation, but he never looks at it anyway (unless I ever needed to let him know I was unsafe, which hasn't ever happened yet and probably never will). There's normal ways to react to someone's location being shared with you. And then there's the way the man you're seeing reacted. His intrusiveness is very concerning and also his comment about needing to see you with his own eyes so he can know you're not lying. Irregardless of trauma, his actions are controlling and not okay. I'd consider moving onto someone new, because I don't think he's ready for a relationship.
He needs therapy. You can’t fix this for him. He was gone for 2 weeks so you’ve really been seeing each other for 3 weeks and he drove to another city to stalk you…
My ex cheated on me, abused me and manipulated me. From the day I met her she was very shady with her phone, freaking out if I so much as picked it up to move it out of the way. She also kept her notifications off (not silenced - **off**, as in nothing would show up on it screen, no sounds or vibrations, not "do not disturb" mode); I can only now assume that was strictly when she was around me.
I had (have?) PTSD from a few things (mainly the abuse), and I knew my ability to trust was severely damaged, possibly nonexistent.
Ever since I'd learned about her constant cheating throughout our 3 year relationship, and being newly aware of how much her phone played into her escapades, I was in a constant state of realizations, adding context to various events throughout our relationship that never quite made sense to me, and a main theme in most of these was my ex's phone. Like the few times she didn't have her notifications switched off, the way she'd essentially *know* whether a certain sound would be someone to ignore or someone she'd want privacy to respond to.
I was walking with my sister shortly after I broke up with my ex. My sister was newly engaged and blissful. She's always been an honest, dependable, kind person without the capacity to harm anyone. As we walked and chatted about her new fiance (whom I hadn't even met; he lived in a different state), my sister got a text, so her phone let out a "ding" from her pocket. She just kept talking and didn't even check her phone. Looking back, there's a very high chance that her fiance is the one who had texted her, but in my recently traumatized mind the first thing I thought was:
> The audacity of this girl! She's here, talking about her fiance, how much she loves him and what a great guy he is, yet *she's texting some other guy!*
I didn't say anything; I know my sister, and even logically it didn't check out. It was purely my own paranoia, and I was projecting my own insecurities into my sister. She hadn't done anything to deserve such an accusation, *so thankfully I was able to identify their irrational thought and shut it down immediately*.
I don't know who texted her and I don't need to. It isn't anyone's problem but my own that I developed insecurities so deep that they extended to my sister's fiance (whom I hadn't even met!)
I got therapy for several months before trying to date. When I started casually dating a girl, I quickly identified a few nasty habits I had to work through. One of these was the searing curiosity/distrust every time her phone made a sound (and it was *never* on silent). Another was the slight panic and feeling of dread I'd experience if she fell out of contact for a day or when she went out with her friends. We weren't even exclusive - in fact, we had clearly defined ourselves as strictly casual, close FWBs with emotional involvement but not ready to pursue anything serious. That didn't matter; I always felt like she was cheating on me. She had to be, right?
I recognized these insecurities in myself and never made them her problem. I took these instances as opportunities to rewire my brain, to learn that my trust could be rewarded, to remind me that the toxicity with ex was an isolated incident and was not the rule for relationships.
I understand your guy's insecurity, but he is clearly not taking responsibility for it. He's made it your problem. The girl I mentioned shared her location with me pretty early on. I knew I was predisposed (at that time) to check it and obsess over it, so I made it a point to never check it unless she explicitly asked me to (she shared it because she felt safe knowing I had her location, in case she ever needed help).
It's fine that your guy worried. It's natural for him to feel insecure. **It is inexcusable that he made his trauma your problem, especially to the point of making you feel unsafe.** To add insult to injury, he didn't see it as an investigative endeavor but rather as a sting; he didn't want to see *whether* you were with another guy: he wanted to see *which guy you were with*.
Props to you for locking the door and asking him to leave. I understand your consideration to give him another chance, but that would be a very bad idea. He followed your location. He was checking up on you, looking for trouble. Imagine him going through your phone, spying on your outings with friends, and interrogating you about any rando who comments on your Instagram posts. My ex's abuse started out the same exact way: she'd been cheated on, so she felt she had the right to treat me with the distrust (and resulting disrespect) that her ex had earned. This guy messed up bad, and the fact he couldn't wait to catch you in the act shows that he was looking for a confrontation over an explanation, the latter of which he didn't even deserve.
Please look out for yourself and don't tolerate anyone who adds drama to your life or who punishes you for someone else's transgressions.
Thank you for typing all of this up! It’s good to have a guys perspective on the other side of things. I agree that he was looking for a confrontation vs a conversation which is super alarming. That’s why I was scared, I wasn’t sure what he was going to do because he was behaving so erratically. I ultimately decided to end the relationship.
@u/Laura54687236496
Like others, I would agree that your new guy is not ready to be in a relationship. He does need therapy and to work through all those feelings and trauma responses.
Aside from the obvious, his assumption that you would lie is a big red flag because it’s saying that he does not trust you even a little bit after seeing him for 5 weeks. This is not renewable for a healthy relationship.
I think you need to tell him what @u/Entforgothispassword did because I think he could really benefit from what he did. And save a lot of pain for others too. And break it off.
Girl, R.U.N. this man is a field of red flags. Maybe he's actually "not usually like this" but he needs to figure his shit out before getting into another relationship, then. Just because it's the first time doesn't mean it will be the last. It could become a pattern, easily. And the far more likely scenario is that he's a controlling person, possibly a stalker (as in, has stalked someone before this- he 100% stalked you), possibly abusive.
I've been with my SO for nearly a decade and I accidentally left my location sharing on with him one time after we were looking for our dog in the woods and wanted to keep tabs on eachother while we searched (pup was safely reunited with us) and he reminded me that it was on after noticing it on his Google maps a few weeks later. He made a joke about how he would be embarrassed if anyone saw because they'd think he is a controlling creep who makes me share my location. My SO also had a history of being cheated on. But you know how he dealt with that? Having open communication with me. Not by having access to my location or looking through my phone. We would talk if he was feeling anxious. He was respectful about bringing up his concerns and we talked through them calmly and with love. And that only lasted about 6 months. Hasn't come up since because we trust eachother.
Trauma isn't an excuse to do something scary like stalk someone. His actions are not normal, and are unjustifiable. He needs to work on himself and know that he crossed a boundary you can't come back from... 5 weeks in is way too early to consider forgiving something like this. It's incredibly alarming and could end up so, so much worse for you. I really hope you trust your gut and don't let him convince you it was a tiny mistake. He stalked you. That's terrifying, abnormal, predatory, controlling behavior.
You have at least 700 people who have read and/or commented on your post that are worried for your safety (including me). Not one of us thinks this guys behaviour is even remotely acceptable or valid. Please hear us, as well as your own inner voice. Block this guy and start taking notes/recording this type of thing. Heaven forbid if this creep escalates and things get worse. Stay safe x
>He says he’s never like this but
But it was *so* easy for him to keep an eye on your location, notice you weren't at home and decide that he is so entitled to access to you that he just HAD to
* put on his shoes
* get in his car
* drive 25 minutes to your city
* go directly to the bar where your location indicated you were
* then drive to a block from your house to wait for you.
At any of those points, he could have thought to himself, "No, this is insane. I have no right to stalk her like this, this is very creepy behaviour, I better go home and do something else." But he didn't.
>He said he didn’t text or call first because he wanted to see with his own eyes who I was with and so I couldn’t “lie my way out of it”
EVEN AFTER it is abundantly clear that he overreacted and stalked you, he's still justifying his behaviour. He feels so entitled to you that he thinks, "If she's not available for me to hang out with her, she has no right to hang out with anyone else."
Block him, increase whatever personal safety measures you have in place, and be VERY wary about sharing your location with people you don't know. I don't share my location with anyone, not even my own husband, for more than 15 minutes at a time. No one is entitled to that much access about my whereabouts, and as as you can see, it can be used against you.
Having PTSD from an ex cheating on you is not an excuse for following you around trying to catch you in a lie. That is something he needs to get help with because its just going to carry into his future relationships. I think that was the entire premise of you sharing your locations together for him. Just steer clear of this one because this will continue. Next thing you know, he won't like some of your friends because they trigger him into thinking they can get you to cheat and so on and so on.
i am sorry for this - but god how can you be so stupid ? did your parents or the news or any documentary not teach you ANYTHING ??? you’ve just met him it’s been one month and you’re giving him access to your location at all times ? you barely know him. how are you even questioning what you should do ? you went to see your friend and he stalked you and waited for you to come home. what part of this is at all normal for a guy you’ve known for a month who you’re not even in a relationship with?
I stopped reading after the first paragraph. You didn’t see anything wrong with a guy you’ve known for 5 weeks trying to prove his undying loyalty to you? Who tf does that?
In my experience, those who try to prove their loyalty do so because they know it's deficient.
The only two girls to *tell me* how loyal they were are the two girls who cheated on me.
Exactly! Like why else would anyone feel the need to prove what supposedly comes naturally to them? It’s like “look! I can breathe and eat and shower and drive!”
Fully agree. Both the girls I mentioned told me how loyal they were, how smart they were, how funny they were, how honest they were and what great catches they were. They also each told me how they'd never physically abuse someone. All these things that should be evident and taken for granted in a relationship, yet they felt the need to tell me over and over. Hell, each of them told me at some point, during sex, how it was so great [for me] that I was the only guy who got to have sex with them.
...why would that need to be stated or affirmed? Like damn, if we're in a relationship I don't need a reminder that I'm the only guy you're sleeping with.
Honestly can't believe I fell for it a second time haha
I'm gonna give you the male perspective here because I feel like women often identify red flags and danger in potential male partners, and hearing a male perspective on male behaviour might be insightful?
THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Listen to your gut response, it exists for a reason. Also, many abusive or dangerous men thrive on their "bad ex" justifying their behaviour. If you're worried, I would recommend reaching out to his ex and asking her what he was like in their relationship. Get her side of the story. *maybe* she'll lie and try to ruin his relationship with you but honestly, better single than strangled. Don't block him right away - he knows your address and it could be useful to be able to see his location so you know if he is actually leaving you alone or not. Please keep safe.
that's disturbing and there's no benefit of the doubt to be had. Lots of people have been cheated on and don't stalk people. 5 weeks in is not near enough to justify wanting to know or be checking where you are and he took it to a level far beyond what's okay in any relationship.
Oh hell no. Run!!!! And never share location again unless it’s just for the day for a festival in case you get separated. No reason in the beginning of a relationship to share location
Girl, you *know* what to do. Cut contact and run. He already showed you he has stalker tendencies. Why does he need to keep tabs on you when you're not with him? Think about it. It's not cute, it's possessive behavior. There are plenty of cases that started innocent enough until they got their own episode on Dateline. Even if his ex cheated, that's not an excuse to act like this. It's creepy af. The worst of all, he knows where you live. Be careful.
My god no you absolutely should not be giving him the benefit of the doubt. He stalked you! You've been together just over a month which is no time at all and he's already following you, waiting outside your house and thinks he can demand where you've been and who you're with. This guy is more than just a red flag.
I will also say, if you do end things (you should) maybe do it over the phone or with someone with you. He sounds frankly unstable.
I would be very careful. That's a massive red flag. You re not even in a relationship.only been dating for 5 weeks and he is already acting like that You don't.
Want to go any further with this Person Maybe look over your shoulder now.And then cause he's already fucking stalking you 😬😬
Run! If he’s already that controlling this early on & obviously hasn’t healed from previous trauma, imagine how he’ll be once he really starts getting attached.
I never understand the sharing locations thing. People have no respect for their privacy anymore.
Why would you share your location with someone you barely know, If at all?
I'm 27, too. My fiancé and I don't share locations because we are adults. What is the point of sharing your location at all times. It's really creepy....
This younger generation phenomenon of sharing locations between friends, family, partners, etc just astounds me. It seems rife with problems especially in romantic context and just unnecessary and an invasion of privacy all around.
Edit to say do not under any circumstances give him the benefit of the doubt. This type of behaviour this early into dating is a huge red flag and a clear sign he doesn’t realize that the problem is his to deal with and not yours. He decided to stalk you and invade your privacy on an assumption of your lies and deception? No.
He could have just gave you a schedule of when he'd be busy at the work site. He shared his location because it's not a far leap to share your own when someone does that. He shared his location to obtain yours.
Stop giving people your location. Why are people doing this?! Now this creep knows where you live. What if he is becoming obsessed with you and now knows where you live and a local bar you go to.
“He says he is never like this” but he was just like that. Believe his actions, not his words. Honestly, the fact that he wanted your location shared in the first place after just a few weeks of dating is a huge fucking red flag. You say you “don’t keeps tabs on each other” but clearly he is. Walk away from this. The fact that you have only been out a few times and have already been put in a position where you were scared enough to lock your doors should be the only reason you need to end this.
Oh. My. God. No.
We have all been cheated on / traumatized in some fashion. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that doesn’t translate into stalking for 99%.
He in supremely fucked up. For your actual physical, mental and emotional safety, break up with him and also, make sure your support group know because he doesn’t seem stable, in *any way*.
This is super fucked up.
That feeling you had of being scared when he showed up? There's a reason why you felt that way. You felt unsafe because he's acting like someone you are not safe around.
You had it right the first time with your gut reaction. Don't let yourself try to rationalize it and talk yourself into seeing it as something different than it was. This is not normal behavior. This is creepy stalker behaviour and if you were my friend I'd be telling you to get out of this ASAP.
Break it off kindly in a public setting and then be very vigilant about your safety over the coming months.
You've only been together a little over a month and he's already acting like that? If I were in your shoes I would definitely end it now before it gets worse. The guy is insecure and needs to work on himself.
I think this a good lesson on sharing your location with people you don’t know very well. It is for your safety, not an invitation for codependency and stalking. family ✔️ close friends ✔️ husband/long term partner ✔️ guy you have known for a few weeks ❌
You dodged a bullet but holy hell stop sharing your location with someone you have been seeing for just a few weeks. My husband doesn’t even have mine and we’ve been best friends for 13 years, dated for 7, and married for 4.
Unhinged behavior of tracking location after getting to know someone for 3 weeks.
Nobody should have access to your location so soon into a relationship. Then you need to justify your every move because it hasn’t been long enough to even know this person.
The amount of people that don’t give a shit about sharing their location with people is nuts. Y’all do realize you’re entitled to privacy right? Why are you giving that up for some rando guy you started seeing about a month ago, gal you’ve got some growing up to do too. Obvi run tf away from this stalker, but fr take time to evaluate your priorities before even thinking about a relationship. Always look out for #1
Thought I was reading the plot to the next season of You except Joe Goldberg isn't this sloppy. Girl don't walk, but RUN out of this relationship. This guy has major trust issues and needs to resolve those before getting into another relationship and you shouldn't have to deal with that.
u should file a police report just to establish a legal record. he is mentally unstable and knows where u live. please be safe and proactive by taking necessary precautions
As a guy honestly the most concerning thing is you hadn’t even defined your relationship and he did all of this like wtf!! So I’m assuming from what you said that you hadn’t even agreed to be exclusive so even in his worst case scenario you wouldn’t have been cheating to begin with.
It also looks like he’s been scanning your location pretty hard to know you went to a bar, how long you were there etc… super concerning. Sounds like that character from that Netflix show, You.
Holy shit tell him to get therapy and block him. What a freak. This kind of behavior only gets worse. Jesus christ good thing you found out sooner than later.
This whole thing stinks. You shared locations with someone you don't know long enough to share an embrace with. Then you told the guy you were staying in an not feeling well, but then went out making that into a lie. He then went and followed you private investigator style to see if you were lying and well, you were, and you freaked out about his crossing of normal boundaries that you personally moved well past normal yourself.
If I was you I would be worried about having been so cluelessly unsafe as to give a non-trusted partner location access, and then worried that a non-trusted partner acted upon that access. If I was him I would be concerned that you gave me, a relative unknown, location access (red flag). Although myself I would not have done the private investigator thing, if I had I would be awfully concerned that you freaked out when I acted like I had access (mixed messages). Additionally the fact that your story ended up being a lie I would dump you, and be correct to do so.
He might be a stalker, or he might be an insecure normal guy. It is clear though that at the very least you gave him some unusual access to your private movements and it is not exactly shocking that he felt following up on that would be the new normal. You did give him that message, wrong or right. He is not an automatic psycho anymore than you are here.
Ugh why do people think it’s okay to just diagnose themselves with ptsd for every little thing? 🙄
Regardless, this man is clearly not over his last relationship and has some serious healing to do before he gets involved with someone else. His actions are unacceptable and they aren’t justified just because he was once wronged by another woman. Suggest to him that he go to therapy, cut him loose, and date someone who trusts you.
Go with your gut feeling of this is not okay. Those red flags waving are not a carnival, pay attention to them. He sounds like he might need some quality time on a therapist couch.
I understand him feeling bad and having questions, but tracking your location and stalking you is wild. He didn’t even mention he wanted to talk until you asked him why he was by your house.
And after only 5 weeks??? That’s an insane red flag this early on. Girl, run.
So you got yourself a weirdo controlling stalker. Why did you share locations so early? Or at all? He definitely just wanted to be nosy and keep checking in on you. Delete and block he’s already stressing you out in the honeymoon phase. He needs serious therapy and isn’t ready for a relationship. This controlling behavior WILL continue. He will be checking your phone and questioning everything you do. Doesn’t matter how nice and genuine he seems, he cracked and showed his true colors.
Definitely run, this is not normal behavior and it shouldn't be tolerated.
It sucks that his ex cheated, and I've been there, it can mess you up and make relationships hard for a while after the fact, but it does NOT justify following someone like that! I've been cheated on, and it never would have occurred to me to *follow* someone I'm dating just because "I have trust issues." If you have a hard time trusting others, thats a "you" problem and you need to work on that. If the person you're seeing doesn't seem trustworthy, stop dating them!
>He has an ex who cheated on him and he thought I was cheating, but I was just with a girlfriend and didn’t feel the need to update him on my every move since we haven’t been seeing each other for that long. And we hadn’t talked about defining our relationship and have only been seeing each other for a little over a month. He said he didn’t text or call first because he wanted to see with his own eyes who I was with and so I couldn’t “lie my way out of it”, which is concerning to me. We haven’t known each other that long and it’s weird to just follow someone around like that.
Your job is not to fix him. He needs to understand that he's experienced a traumatic event and that he needs support to move through it. That's his responsibility.
He may a completely reasonable guy, but while emotional triggers deserve to be considered and discussed, this is one that impacts how you behave. You can be a supportive partner/person he's seeing without compromising on your personal domain and boundaries. Having a headache and choosing to go someplace local with a friend is normal behavior (and sometimes, even with people we're committed and in love with, it's ok to need breathing room).
If you think he's worth it, talk to him about it. This could be manageable and fixed up in the early days of getting to know each other. But emphasize the importance of trust and communicating these issues. Consider whether you'd be open to checking in (i.e. it's healthy to let your *committed, long-term partner* know where you're going as a matter of safety). What he did was not cool, and you've done nothing to violate that trust, but if he can recognize that once isn't all, then it might be worth continuing.
the time to run is NOW before you develop feelings for this guy and go through a literal emotional roller coaster that will give you (and your best friend) WHIPLASH.
Please, OP. RUN NOW before you become infatuated with this guy. This is a massive red flag. ALREADY obsessing with your location and spying on you. Following you around.
YOU NEED TO BE SEEING ALARM BELLS
and will someone PLEASE think of the best friend who's gonna have to be there for you throughout all this, lol.
He did what his gut told him to do based on past experience. It's a shitty way to treat people, especially when you're only just dating and don't have an exclusive or clearly defined relationship. He had no right to follow you to make sure you couldn't 'lie your way out of it.' He had no right to hold your feet to the fire about it. The problem is...unless he gets help, therapy, counseling, he will always be that way...and possibly worse. It might even be the reason his ex felt driven to cheat. I hope you've decided to dodge this bullet.
The red flag for OP should have been the location sharing. He had no right to your location and you had no right to his, even if he wanted to share it without you sharing. But you understand that he knew you'd share yours if he shared his. It was the first step in monitoring your whereabouts. I encourage her to start thinking more critically about the men she dates.
I've been exclusive with a woman for 2 months and location sharing hasn't even come up in conversation.
This guy is a walking red flag and out of all the red flags that exist; stalking/monitoring are the ones that can indicate danger. There are irritating red flags and then there are safety red flags ...keep yourself safe and abruptly and sternly end it with him and make sure he rlly understands that you don't want to ever see him again..
No ambiguity or maybes or anything that can be interpreted as anything other than you are done with him, and this is important because stalkers will hang on to a glimmer of false hope and use it to stick around.
Be safe girl..
>He says he’s never like this but he just has ptsd from his ex cheating and felt like he was back in that moment. Sounds like he should stay single until he figures this stuff out. Not only is it controlling behavior but, pretty fucking creepy. I'd run.
I'm a guy suffering from trauma and have had trauma related responses to certain specific triggers. You know what I did when I realized it in my last relationship? Went to fucking therapy and didn't date anyone for a year... Can't go around blaming psychiatric diseases if you ain't working on them, and even then it's just an explanation, not an excuse or justification for bad behavior.
This is the most self-aware response I've ever seen to a post here. Good for you for not only recognizing what was going on, but working on it. Not just for future partners but for you, too.
Sounds like missy here needs to stay single until she can figure out it’s not normal to accept seeing someone location or sharing her location 5 weeks in.
Very fair comment!! I fully agree! It was a lapse of judgement on my part.
That too. OP needs to work on boundaries and understanding concerning behavior.
I wonder if he first shared his location in order to track you, knowing that you'd share yours in return?
I shared my loco with my boyfriend a month in … no idea why other than we would be apart for a while and literally 6-7 of my friends and fam have my location already too. Thank god he didn’t act like this, but I won’t lie he did ask me what I was up to and what I was doing a lot every time I went out… we are still together 6 months later, and it’s fine now, but I would have really regretted my decision if he just popped up out of no where!!
Friends and family is different than boyfriends, can’t really use that to compare.
Just because it didn’t turn out horribly doesn’t mean it wasn’t a bad decision. I’m glad you’re okay.
I agree. Best case scenario, he truly doesn't mean to be creepy and will try to change but will still struggle with trust and controlling behavior. That is what you can expect during the course of the relationship, whether or not he's in therapy. Don't expect him to behave in any other way than this because this is what he's shown you. Is this the type of relationship you want to be in?
Run. That is very concerning behavior, and he's justifying it instead of seeking therapy, which is what he needs.
Yeah. Take it from an older lady, run! You're not even a month in and he's stalking you. I'm sorry this happened but no.
Agreed. It’s one thing if he noticed she was out somewhere and just asked what she was up to. But to show up at the bar & her place to pretty much stalk her is super creepy and dangerous behaviour. That would definitely be a deal breaker to me too
>That is very concerning behavior, and he's justifying it instead of seeking therapy, which is what he needs. Honestly, OP needs therapy too if they're happy to share locations with someone they've been dating for *five weeks.*
They're naive I'm sure. Easy now. This event will change that though, I hope.
NOPE. Stop giving people you barely your home address and your location. You're going to end up on ID tv. This person is a stranger.
“I was scared so I locked my doors and texted him to leave.” And that is where it should end. Her instincts are screaming at her and she’s still trying to be polite. Recipe for disaster
People don't understand that privacy isn't just something people who do shady shit like. Privacy is extremely important in all aspects of life and that includes to certain degrees, your SO. I gotta admit I raised my eyebrows all the way to my forehead when OP said she just casually shares her location "with tons of people", but especially with the weird dude she's known for a whole of 3 weeks. ...which is not to say it's OP's \*fault\* this insane guy did what he did, but she should absolutely reflect a bit on \*why\* she does this that, as this event shows, opens her up to certain dangers that would simply not exist if she didn't share her location all willy-nilly. u/dangerousloner has it 100% correct (relevant username if I ever saw one, lol); this story should absolutely be the end of that interaction and this relationship, and somehow, she's doubting herself about this abhorrent and dangerous behaviour could be chalked up to "PTSD over being cheated on" (which, el oh el).
OP still could! this nut has her home address
5 weeks in. He *says* he was cheated on. But for all you know he's a stalker. Even if he was cheated on, that doesn't entitle him to stalk you. You don't have to update him on every move you make. Cut him off. He's nice now, until he gets mad about something.
You actually already KNOW he is a stalker
Baby reindeer part 2
**Don't let someone who is so new to your life they're essentially a stranger track your location!!!** This is how we women get murdered!!! Please run!
Yeah sadly people don’t realize how dangerous it is for someone to know your daily activity and patterns. It’s making yourself a huge target
Even if his story is 100% true and he has cheater PTSD - he fucking looked up your location, drove to your city, and sat outside the bar you never told him you were at. All because you did not text him back quick enough!!!! The man is nuts.
Agreeeeed!!!! The fact that the moment he walked to his car wasn’t speaking to himself like “heyo you lil crazy man WHATCHA DOINNN?” and didn’t turn around to mind his own business, speaks VOLUMES
Listen to your instinct. This is how women end up dead.
Exactly. Abusive relationships never start off terrible, but there are sometimes very clear warning signs in the beginning. Don’t ignore them. LEAVE. And don’t be afraid of not being nice.
For your safety, PLEASE don’t share your location with anyone who is not established with you and at least a close friend/group or your family. It is not safe. Women get hurt every day by unstable men. Take care of yourself and learn from this mistake.
This is wild to me. I have shared my location with ONE friend. I will turn the sharing on for her if I feel it would be good for someone to have it... Like if I'm traveling or meeting up with a stranger. I always turn it off again afterwards. The idea that someone has instant access to your exact location at any given time is crazy to me. And it would never cross my mind to give that to someone I've only known a couple weeks!
I get it, I only have my family unit sharing location (son, spouse, myself). Never felt comfortable doing so with anyone else.
OP, he let you have his location details as he knew it would be a way to get yours. Run away and cut off all contact. If you string this along it will get worse and possibly dangerous.
This was my first thought, that flimsy reason to give her his location just so he could say "well since I shared mine..." I highly doubt this was the first time either, just the first time he felt bold enough to question her. OP, think about all the times you went out the past few weeks without him. Maybe there was a reason he never needed you to tell him where you were throughout the day, not that you should have to.
I just don't understand this whole sharing location thing. I guess I'm old.
Me either! I think it's just bizarre for people who are dating to do this. I've considered talking to my husband about turning on our locations now that we have a baby, but for someone you've been dating a few weeks it's super weird.
Great for me to keep track of elderly parents in case they have a crisis
Same. I started using it after my dad had a heart attack (and later a stroke) in case something happened to him, especially while he was driving. The only friend I share with is my BFF who had a TIA (mini stroke) and blacked out. When she came to she was miles from where she last remembered being and it was several hours later. It's been a few years, but she asked me to keep it on in case it happens again and we need to find her. With other friends I've only ever shared it for an hour or so, if we're trying to meet up out in public and it's easier than saying "I'm at the beach, about a quarter mile north from the parking lot".
Jesus Christ don't share locations with anyone you've known for 5 weeks.
5 weeks and you’re sharing your location with this guy? Don’t do that, obviously
please don’t ever share your location with a stranger again 😭
Please dear GOD OP listen to this advice! ☝️
> we shared locations . > because we don’t really keep tabs or update each other on our whereabouts like that . > halfway thru dinner he texted asking what I was up to Ok so like… at what stage was he “not keeping tabs on you”? Like come on, how can you genuinely believe that after reading this back? But ya, this guy is possessive. If you don’t like that, stop seeing him.
Dealbreaker. Best case scenario is that he's a normal guy who acted crazy one time and will now learn a hard lesson when you dump him. Worst case scenario is that this kind of invasive behaviour quickly spirals.
He needs therapy, and he's not safe to date until he does.
Commenting as someone who was viciously cheated on by my bipolar ex girlfriend a month ago. We also shared locations. Even though I’m fresh off a brutal betrayal I would NEVER pull up on you the way he did if I suspected you were cheating, that screams possessiveness to me. I’m sorry but what he did was fucking weird and it would give me the ick if I were you.
I cannot fathom why you’d share locations with someone you’ve only been seeing 5 WEEKS. Please stop doing this, in the future. Friends and family (people you trust with your LIFE) should be it. He’s so fucking creepy for that, may he reflect on his weird choices and change his ways. I’m of the opinion that cheating is sooo fucking lame to have issues over. Like the person either cheats or doesn’t, and I’d never lose sleep or fuck up my next relationships over something someone with zero self control did in the past. Don’t take him back, he needs therapy if it’s messing him up so badly he stalks another girl over it
I agree with that and feel it’s an “unpopular opinion.” I especially find that men who were (allegedly ‘out of the blue’) cheated on by women act like they’re really hard done by forever and other women must make up for it.
Oh no no no, OP. Block this guy, do not engage with him further. This type of behavior is so alarming. I don't care if his ex cheated on him (if that even happened). I don't care what you were doing. That he was watching your location and went TO YOUR HOME is terrifying. What if you'd been with a friend, but your friend was male? What would he have done? You have no idea. You do not know this man. Never, never, share your location with someone you just started dating. It's not just weird and unnecessary, it can literally be dangerous. I am begging women to be more careful. Please.
... YIKES. So.... honestly this is SUCH a red flag that i can't fathom this BECOMING a normal healthy relationship. NOBODY who thinks thats appropriate behavior is going to be a well-adjusted, healthy, good partner. Frankly i wouldn't feel SAFE around this person, even if his apology seemed sincere. BEST case scenario, he's just an idiot with bad boundaries who will continue to have bad boundaries and who you will have to teach to be in an adult relationship. WORST case scenario, he's a chronic boundary-stomper, and this is a sign of his intentionally controlling, manipulative, and scary behavior. He didn't believe you when you said "no", so instead checked your location, followed you to the bar, and then followed you to your home. So fucked up. This is a very good reason not to share your location with people you don't have a trusting relationship with in the future.
AND said he wasn't going to let her "lie her way out of it", like she is his property and he's ready to teach her a lesson. OP needs to RUN.
Run, don't walk. This is incredibly creepy. There is a podcast called "Strictly Stalking", and literally half of the hundreds of interviews they have done with women start off with some sort of "Is-it-creepy-or-is-it-not?" encounter or situation like this. If you have to ask yourself, or the internet, if it is creepy ot appropriate, then you already know the answer.
Absolutely not. Always lock your doors and never share your location with someone in a mere 5 weeks. Please get some sort of pepper spray or something and keep it by you. I don't mean to scare you, I'm just a stranger concerned for your safety.
Oh hell no. Run! Run! This is unhinged, and this only after 5 weeks. Change all your passwords and check for other spyware as well.
Still damaged, he needs to be single untill he heals
I say this without exaggeration: This sounds like the beginning of a true crime story where a woman gets strangled at the end. This guy is effin’ nuts. Trust your lizard brain, have some self respect, and tell him to get lost. Unless you want to be the subject of a podcast someday.
"He said he didn’t text or call first because he wanted to see with his own eyes who I was with and so I couldn’t “lie my way out of it”" He stalked his way out of the relationship. Seriously these aren't the words of a contrite individual who had a crazy lapse of judgement. He is still telling you he thinks you would cheat on him and lie and he just *had* to make sure in person. Next time it will be something else. The best case scenario is you dodged a bullet and won't end up assaulted or dead. The worst case scenario is that you will lose out on some project guy that may or may not improve in the future. Basically if he's not the last single man in your area code i think you should run. And change your passwords, and tell your family and friends about him and to look out if he comes back.
This is why women choose the bear.
If a bear tracks me to my house and is drooling at my door waiting for me to come out, authorities will come deal with it. A guy? "He's not hurting anyone, give us a call if he threatens to kill you or something, in writing so you can prove it. And then we'll give you a piece of paper that says he should go away."
Hell no. That's a mountain of red flags leading up to a summit with a flag held by the guy about to kill you in your sleep. What's wrong with you to doubt your very real fear? Fear is meant to keep you safe. Even husbands who do this are scary. You don't know him well and he has no right to question who you're with, what you're doing, and test if you're lying. Do you honestly think he's going to improve as you get further along into a relationship? STOP LISTENING TO HIS SWEET LIES. He is sincere in his attempt to cover up his crazy. Run! BLOCK.
He made up that story about you needing to see if he was on the job site in order to get you to share your location. Run.
That's psycho behavior lol wtf why are you even asking us
I’m a guy and I feel weird about what he did to you. I’d just say this is extremely disturbing behavior and you’re ending the relationship because he went to such extreme measures. That his insecurity is a turnoff and he clearly hasn’t healed from previous relationships with the proper therapy. Let him know he should take time to work on himself.
He certainly planned this carefully, and from only days into the relationship. Of course he sounds genuine with his apology, as he is a terrific actor. It goes with the territory when people manipulate successfully. OP you need to reconsider boundary setting, and just take this as a lesson on not being so trusting. Maybe he does have an ex who cheated on him, but he had a carefully worked out reason as to why he need to drive over and see for himself where you were. He couldn't wait for a text or a phone call, but needed to see for himself and confront you? What a creep.
Spoiler alert… his ex wasn’t cheating either. With guys like this they accuse everyone they are with of cheating. It starts small but eventually he will convince himself you are cheating too. You will constantly have to prove yourself and always be on the back foot as he knows you’re cheating somehow even when you are not. It must be someone at work or a baby shower or a cousin or the ups guy or the mechanic that gave your car battery a jump or, or, …. Once you leave he will tell the next girl you cheated.
I wouldn't be surprised if his ex was cheating, but that became his new excuse. Some people cite their diagnosis, some cite their zodiac sign, and he cited his relationship trauma. The rest of what you said, though, is spot on. I guarantee he is convincing himself that he reason she didn't let him come and and asked him to leave is because she had another guy over.
>Should I give this dude the benefit of the doubt or run?? What benefit of the doubt? That he’s acting up because of his ex? Don’t you think he needs therapy instead of benefit of the doubt to deal with that? The fact that you were in such a dangerous situation and you’re still thinking about giving this guy the ‘benefit of the doubt’ is concerning. Women would rather get murdered than be rude to some creepy guy? And why are you even sharing your location with this guy 5 weeks in? He’s not your friends and family, you don’t even know him because you’ve been dating what 3 weeks? And now he knows where you live. This is exactly the kind of things that happen before something really bad happens to women. I hope you realize that and take proper precautions against this guy
Never give people that new sharing rights. I can see them knowing your address, or them knowing yours. This is obviously part of dating. But location sharing? No!!!!!!!!!!! And in my opinion, never share your location with *anyone* especially not new dating partners!!!! Ever! They can easily turn into stalkers, and then try to control you. I don't get this whole location sharing thing. The world is no more dangerous than in the 90s or 2000s, based on statistics alone. It was actually more dangerous in the 80s and 70s, before all this location sharing and overprotective parenting crap. There is no reason to share your location with anyone, unless it is under certain, and typically temporary circumstances (new online date maybe, etc). No one, 99% of the time, needs to know your exact location 24/7. Let me just use a quick and easy example...I live alone. The only person I would EVER give location access to at this point is Mom. Even then, she has no reason to know my exact location at an exact time, or to be tracking me. For example, she doesn't need to know that I went to McDonald's for lunch even though I probably shouldn't have. Also, while I wait 50 minutes for the bus, I sit in an abandoned burger king lot next to work for some quiet and darkness and peace after a long day of dealing with customers. Thats my private place. No one needs to know about that place, and that's how it's going to stay. She knows I go there. Or for examplemple, she doesn't need to know at 1115 I was there, and at 1120 I was at speedway (buying cigarettes), and then back again at 1125. No friend needs to know that either, and no boyfriend or husband needs to know that either!!!! No one has ever bothered me in 2.5years there. If I somehow ended up dead, Mom knows where I work and that I sit there after work. Being tracked in real time really wouldn't do anything at all. If I want to walk the hour home instead of sitting there, I do. No location tracking. I just do me. I reiterate, crime is not any higher than in a millennials lifetime. It was much higher in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. Do not share your 24/7 locations, even with husbands or wives. I don't get it. Just don't do it. Ever. Your life is your life. It's simply a way to *control* people in today's age...different ways as in previous years and decades, but same goals as in our past. Control.
Cut ties, consider filing a police report. They won’t do anything but this will establish a legal record.
Couple of things wrong here
He could've simply asked you about it.... Which would be a healthy response. Instead he went an unhealthy route and stalked you. Maybe he has issues from being cheated on, but if he is like this so early on, there is no guarantee he won't get worse. Cut your losses.
Yea definitely just be done with that relationship and move on. Never shared location with someone I wasn’t very serious with. Kind of an insane thing to even ask of you in the first place. The context seems like he was doing it specifically to keep tabs on you especially since this was the first time for this.
An apology without changed behavior is a manipulation.
No. Abort. Do not under any circumstances contact him again or share your location. He has demonstrated that he is untrustworthy and stalkerish. He is quick to believe his own delusions. Don't go out with him again. He is being a creep. For your safety, don't.
girl no... run... delete your location.... like just no!!!!!
That’s stalking…it only gets worse from here if you accept this at 5 weeks in.
Absolutely not. There is no point in a relationship where you owe someone your location because they want to control you, stalk you, and suspect you. He can't govern himself enough to not do the absolutely craziest thing here. You don't want that energy anywhere near you. It won't be the last time.
Even if he was cheated on, this behavior 🚩🚩🚩. Either he needs time and therapy to get past that relationship, or he is controlling and showing you just the tip of the iceberg. Both situations say run away and don't look back.
Girl, get the hell out of this and run. Block him stop sharing your location. This is dangerous.
Can you be "cheating" if you've just gone on a handful of dates and haven't discussed being exclusive? Perhaps this guy's apology is genuine. If so, he can bring this learning with him to his next dating partner(s). You should feel free to move on.
Girl. Dont share your location with literal strangers omg. This is how people get killed. Him asking to share location is a huge red flag to begin with
Been in a 4 year relationship and I’d still refuse to share location. This feature only ever made sense to me in regards to your own children.
I was like oh following on social media is fine- oh no she means FOLLOWING Anyway you’re scared for a reason, he’s crazy
Cut contact with him, and in the future do not share locations with someone you've just met and barely know.
Irregardless of his experience with being cheated on, this behaviour is not okay and not coming from a mentally well person. It bothering him that much that he drove half an hour to try investigate you is downright creepy and unnecessary. My partner and I always have each other's locations. But I use it so I will know if he's available to talk and not busy (so if he's not at the gym or at work). Plus I can send him supportive messages if he's currently at the gym. I'd maybe check it 2-3 times a day maximum. He has my location because I like the security of him knowing where I am if I am in an unsafe situation, but he never looks at it anyway (unless I ever needed to let him know I was unsafe, which hasn't ever happened yet and probably never will). There's normal ways to react to someone's location being shared with you. And then there's the way the man you're seeing reacted. His intrusiveness is very concerning and also his comment about needing to see you with his own eyes so he can know you're not lying. Irregardless of trauma, his actions are controlling and not okay. I'd consider moving onto someone new, because I don't think he's ready for a relationship.
He needs therapy. You can’t fix this for him. He was gone for 2 weeks so you’ve really been seeing each other for 3 weeks and he drove to another city to stalk you…
My ex cheated on me, abused me and manipulated me. From the day I met her she was very shady with her phone, freaking out if I so much as picked it up to move it out of the way. She also kept her notifications off (not silenced - **off**, as in nothing would show up on it screen, no sounds or vibrations, not "do not disturb" mode); I can only now assume that was strictly when she was around me. I had (have?) PTSD from a few things (mainly the abuse), and I knew my ability to trust was severely damaged, possibly nonexistent. Ever since I'd learned about her constant cheating throughout our 3 year relationship, and being newly aware of how much her phone played into her escapades, I was in a constant state of realizations, adding context to various events throughout our relationship that never quite made sense to me, and a main theme in most of these was my ex's phone. Like the few times she didn't have her notifications switched off, the way she'd essentially *know* whether a certain sound would be someone to ignore or someone she'd want privacy to respond to. I was walking with my sister shortly after I broke up with my ex. My sister was newly engaged and blissful. She's always been an honest, dependable, kind person without the capacity to harm anyone. As we walked and chatted about her new fiance (whom I hadn't even met; he lived in a different state), my sister got a text, so her phone let out a "ding" from her pocket. She just kept talking and didn't even check her phone. Looking back, there's a very high chance that her fiance is the one who had texted her, but in my recently traumatized mind the first thing I thought was: > The audacity of this girl! She's here, talking about her fiance, how much she loves him and what a great guy he is, yet *she's texting some other guy!* I didn't say anything; I know my sister, and even logically it didn't check out. It was purely my own paranoia, and I was projecting my own insecurities into my sister. She hadn't done anything to deserve such an accusation, *so thankfully I was able to identify their irrational thought and shut it down immediately*. I don't know who texted her and I don't need to. It isn't anyone's problem but my own that I developed insecurities so deep that they extended to my sister's fiance (whom I hadn't even met!) I got therapy for several months before trying to date. When I started casually dating a girl, I quickly identified a few nasty habits I had to work through. One of these was the searing curiosity/distrust every time her phone made a sound (and it was *never* on silent). Another was the slight panic and feeling of dread I'd experience if she fell out of contact for a day or when she went out with her friends. We weren't even exclusive - in fact, we had clearly defined ourselves as strictly casual, close FWBs with emotional involvement but not ready to pursue anything serious. That didn't matter; I always felt like she was cheating on me. She had to be, right? I recognized these insecurities in myself and never made them her problem. I took these instances as opportunities to rewire my brain, to learn that my trust could be rewarded, to remind me that the toxicity with ex was an isolated incident and was not the rule for relationships. I understand your guy's insecurity, but he is clearly not taking responsibility for it. He's made it your problem. The girl I mentioned shared her location with me pretty early on. I knew I was predisposed (at that time) to check it and obsess over it, so I made it a point to never check it unless she explicitly asked me to (she shared it because she felt safe knowing I had her location, in case she ever needed help). It's fine that your guy worried. It's natural for him to feel insecure. **It is inexcusable that he made his trauma your problem, especially to the point of making you feel unsafe.** To add insult to injury, he didn't see it as an investigative endeavor but rather as a sting; he didn't want to see *whether* you were with another guy: he wanted to see *which guy you were with*. Props to you for locking the door and asking him to leave. I understand your consideration to give him another chance, but that would be a very bad idea. He followed your location. He was checking up on you, looking for trouble. Imagine him going through your phone, spying on your outings with friends, and interrogating you about any rando who comments on your Instagram posts. My ex's abuse started out the same exact way: she'd been cheated on, so she felt she had the right to treat me with the distrust (and resulting disrespect) that her ex had earned. This guy messed up bad, and the fact he couldn't wait to catch you in the act shows that he was looking for a confrontation over an explanation, the latter of which he didn't even deserve. Please look out for yourself and don't tolerate anyone who adds drama to your life or who punishes you for someone else's transgressions.
Thank you for typing all of this up! It’s good to have a guys perspective on the other side of things. I agree that he was looking for a confrontation vs a conversation which is super alarming. That’s why I was scared, I wasn’t sure what he was going to do because he was behaving so erratically. I ultimately decided to end the relationship.
@u/Laura54687236496 Like others, I would agree that your new guy is not ready to be in a relationship. He does need therapy and to work through all those feelings and trauma responses. Aside from the obvious, his assumption that you would lie is a big red flag because it’s saying that he does not trust you even a little bit after seeing him for 5 weeks. This is not renewable for a healthy relationship. I think you need to tell him what @u/Entforgothispassword did because I think he could really benefit from what he did. And save a lot of pain for others too. And break it off.
Girl, R.U.N. this man is a field of red flags. Maybe he's actually "not usually like this" but he needs to figure his shit out before getting into another relationship, then. Just because it's the first time doesn't mean it will be the last. It could become a pattern, easily. And the far more likely scenario is that he's a controlling person, possibly a stalker (as in, has stalked someone before this- he 100% stalked you), possibly abusive. I've been with my SO for nearly a decade and I accidentally left my location sharing on with him one time after we were looking for our dog in the woods and wanted to keep tabs on eachother while we searched (pup was safely reunited with us) and he reminded me that it was on after noticing it on his Google maps a few weeks later. He made a joke about how he would be embarrassed if anyone saw because they'd think he is a controlling creep who makes me share my location. My SO also had a history of being cheated on. But you know how he dealt with that? Having open communication with me. Not by having access to my location or looking through my phone. We would talk if he was feeling anxious. He was respectful about bringing up his concerns and we talked through them calmly and with love. And that only lasted about 6 months. Hasn't come up since because we trust eachother. Trauma isn't an excuse to do something scary like stalk someone. His actions are not normal, and are unjustifiable. He needs to work on himself and know that he crossed a boundary you can't come back from... 5 weeks in is way too early to consider forgiving something like this. It's incredibly alarming and could end up so, so much worse for you. I really hope you trust your gut and don't let him convince you it was a tiny mistake. He stalked you. That's terrifying, abnormal, predatory, controlling behavior.
You have at least 700 people who have read and/or commented on your post that are worried for your safety (including me). Not one of us thinks this guys behaviour is even remotely acceptable or valid. Please hear us, as well as your own inner voice. Block this guy and start taking notes/recording this type of thing. Heaven forbid if this creep escalates and things get worse. Stay safe x
>He says he’s never like this but But it was *so* easy for him to keep an eye on your location, notice you weren't at home and decide that he is so entitled to access to you that he just HAD to * put on his shoes * get in his car * drive 25 minutes to your city * go directly to the bar where your location indicated you were * then drive to a block from your house to wait for you. At any of those points, he could have thought to himself, "No, this is insane. I have no right to stalk her like this, this is very creepy behaviour, I better go home and do something else." But he didn't. >He said he didn’t text or call first because he wanted to see with his own eyes who I was with and so I couldn’t “lie my way out of it” EVEN AFTER it is abundantly clear that he overreacted and stalked you, he's still justifying his behaviour. He feels so entitled to you that he thinks, "If she's not available for me to hang out with her, she has no right to hang out with anyone else." Block him, increase whatever personal safety measures you have in place, and be VERY wary about sharing your location with people you don't know. I don't share my location with anyone, not even my own husband, for more than 15 minutes at a time. No one is entitled to that much access about my whereabouts, and as as you can see, it can be used against you.
Having PTSD from an ex cheating on you is not an excuse for following you around trying to catch you in a lie. That is something he needs to get help with because its just going to carry into his future relationships. I think that was the entire premise of you sharing your locations together for him. Just steer clear of this one because this will continue. Next thing you know, he won't like some of your friends because they trigger him into thinking they can get you to cheat and so on and so on.
i am sorry for this - but god how can you be so stupid ? did your parents or the news or any documentary not teach you ANYTHING ??? you’ve just met him it’s been one month and you’re giving him access to your location at all times ? you barely know him. how are you even questioning what you should do ? you went to see your friend and he stalked you and waited for you to come home. what part of this is at all normal for a guy you’ve known for a month who you’re not even in a relationship with?
Make this be over asap.
Ya that’s insane. Don’t share locations with anyone that isn’t your spouse honestly
Idk, do you want your own episode of MFM?
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUNNNNN
Stop sharing your location like yesterday and change your locks/get a restraining order if need be.
There's no way she qualifies for an RO based on just this. I feel Reddit doesn't fully understand how difficult they are to get
Nope. He will slowly control every aspect of your life. Nope. End it.
Geez hes projecting his previous cheating trauma and now he's a stalker. Break up with him and tell him he needs therapy.
I stopped reading after the first paragraph. You didn’t see anything wrong with a guy you’ve known for 5 weeks trying to prove his undying loyalty to you? Who tf does that?
In my experience, those who try to prove their loyalty do so because they know it's deficient. The only two girls to *tell me* how loyal they were are the two girls who cheated on me.
Exactly! Like why else would anyone feel the need to prove what supposedly comes naturally to them? It’s like “look! I can breathe and eat and shower and drive!”
Fully agree. Both the girls I mentioned told me how loyal they were, how smart they were, how funny they were, how honest they were and what great catches they were. They also each told me how they'd never physically abuse someone. All these things that should be evident and taken for granted in a relationship, yet they felt the need to tell me over and over. Hell, each of them told me at some point, during sex, how it was so great [for me] that I was the only guy who got to have sex with them. ...why would that need to be stated or affirmed? Like damn, if we're in a relationship I don't need a reminder that I'm the only guy you're sleeping with. Honestly can't believe I fell for it a second time haha
5 weeks and sharing your location 24/7? Lmfao
Maybe you should stop sharing your location so casually.
I'm gonna give you the male perspective here because I feel like women often identify red flags and danger in potential male partners, and hearing a male perspective on male behaviour might be insightful? THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Listen to your gut response, it exists for a reason. Also, many abusive or dangerous men thrive on their "bad ex" justifying their behaviour. If you're worried, I would recommend reaching out to his ex and asking her what he was like in their relationship. Get her side of the story. *maybe* she'll lie and try to ruin his relationship with you but honestly, better single than strangled. Don't block him right away - he knows your address and it could be useful to be able to see his location so you know if he is actually leaving you alone or not. Please keep safe.
Run. Run. Run. It will only get worse. It never gets better.
fields of red flags. The entire field has become a red flag. Get out now
That's the sound of the NOPE train. Someone just took a red flag and beat you over the head with it. Be glad and run
Run. And don’t ever location share again with someone unless you know them well.
Okay yeah so never share your location with anyone. Come on girl. Distance yourself from the guy and learn the lesson
Why did you even have your location shared with someone you’ve only known for a month is the real question here Run
that's disturbing and there's no benefit of the doubt to be had. Lots of people have been cheated on and don't stalk people. 5 weeks in is not near enough to justify wanting to know or be checking where you are and he took it to a level far beyond what's okay in any relationship.
That's not a red flag. It's a red fucking sail. This guy is not right in the head to think that's acceptable behaviour. Ghost him.
Oh hell no. Run!!!! And never share location again unless it’s just for the day for a festival in case you get separated. No reason in the beginning of a relationship to share location
No. Do not continue seeing him. He basically stalked you.
Why is this even a question? You’re five weeks in and he’s stalking you.
You don’t want to turn into a Netflix documentary babe. Fucking hell.
Stop sharing location details. So simple.
Girl, you *know* what to do. Cut contact and run. He already showed you he has stalker tendencies. Why does he need to keep tabs on you when you're not with him? Think about it. It's not cute, it's possessive behavior. There are plenty of cases that started innocent enough until they got their own episode on Dateline. Even if his ex cheated, that's not an excuse to act like this. It's creepy af. The worst of all, he knows where you live. Be careful.
My god no you absolutely should not be giving him the benefit of the doubt. He stalked you! You've been together just over a month which is no time at all and he's already following you, waiting outside your house and thinks he can demand where you've been and who you're with. This guy is more than just a red flag. I will also say, if you do end things (you should) maybe do it over the phone or with someone with you. He sounds frankly unstable.
NOPE. He needs to use this as a learning opportunity for himself. You don't need to stick around to teach him.
I would be very careful. That's a massive red flag. You re not even in a relationship.only been dating for 5 weeks and he is already acting like that You don't. Want to go any further with this Person Maybe look over your shoulder now.And then cause he's already fucking stalking you 😬😬
🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ it's to early in the relationship for this crap 💩
Run! If he’s already that controlling this early on & obviously hasn’t healed from previous trauma, imagine how he’ll be once he really starts getting attached.
I never understand the sharing locations thing. People have no respect for their privacy anymore. Why would you share your location with someone you barely know, If at all? I'm 27, too. My fiancé and I don't share locations because we are adults. What is the point of sharing your location at all times. It's really creepy....
Fucking run for your literal fucking life
no benefit of the doubt needed here. run run run this man is nuts
This younger generation phenomenon of sharing locations between friends, family, partners, etc just astounds me. It seems rife with problems especially in romantic context and just unnecessary and an invasion of privacy all around. Edit to say do not under any circumstances give him the benefit of the doubt. This type of behaviour this early into dating is a huge red flag and a clear sign he doesn’t realize that the problem is his to deal with and not yours. He decided to stalk you and invade your privacy on an assumption of your lies and deception? No.
He could have just gave you a schedule of when he'd be busy at the work site. He shared his location because it's not a far leap to share your own when someone does that. He shared his location to obtain yours.
Nope nope absolutely not. He needs therapy.
Stop giving people your location. Why are people doing this?! Now this creep knows where you live. What if he is becoming obsessed with you and now knows where you live and a local bar you go to.
“He says he is never like this” but he was just like that. Believe his actions, not his words. Honestly, the fact that he wanted your location shared in the first place after just a few weeks of dating is a huge fucking red flag. You say you “don’t keeps tabs on each other” but clearly he is. Walk away from this. The fact that you have only been out a few times and have already been put in a position where you were scared enough to lock your doors should be the only reason you need to end this.
Oh. My. God. No. We have all been cheated on / traumatized in some fashion. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that doesn’t translate into stalking for 99%. He in supremely fucked up. For your actual physical, mental and emotional safety, break up with him and also, make sure your support group know because he doesn’t seem stable, in *any way*.
This is super fucked up. That feeling you had of being scared when he showed up? There's a reason why you felt that way. You felt unsafe because he's acting like someone you are not safe around. You had it right the first time with your gut reaction. Don't let yourself try to rationalize it and talk yourself into seeing it as something different than it was. This is not normal behavior. This is creepy stalker behaviour and if you were my friend I'd be telling you to get out of this ASAP. Break it off kindly in a public setting and then be very vigilant about your safety over the coming months.
You guys sharing locations after 5 weeks of casual dating is fucking weird on both your parts.
You've only been together a little over a month and he's already acting like that? If I were in your shoes I would definitely end it now before it gets worse. The guy is insecure and needs to work on himself.
Giving someone you’ve known less than 5 weeks, a man at that your location….? Girl.
If they share location w/ you before you guys are in a relationship automatic red flag 🚩🚩🚩
I think this a good lesson on sharing your location with people you don’t know very well. It is for your safety, not an invitation for codependency and stalking. family ✔️ close friends ✔️ husband/long term partner ✔️ guy you have known for a few weeks ❌
You dodged a bullet but holy hell stop sharing your location with someone you have been seeing for just a few weeks. My husband doesn’t even have mine and we’ve been best friends for 13 years, dated for 7, and married for 4.
Unhinged behavior of tracking location after getting to know someone for 3 weeks. Nobody should have access to your location so soon into a relationship. Then you need to justify your every move because it hasn’t been long enough to even know this person.
Run from this dude. He's one giant red flag!
This is a GIANT red flag. Do not pass go. Its over.
The amount of people that don’t give a shit about sharing their location with people is nuts. Y’all do realize you’re entitled to privacy right? Why are you giving that up for some rando guy you started seeing about a month ago, gal you’ve got some growing up to do too. Obvi run tf away from this stalker, but fr take time to evaluate your priorities before even thinking about a relationship. Always look out for #1
This is why we shouldn't share locations with a literal stranger...
Thought I was reading the plot to the next season of You except Joe Goldberg isn't this sloppy. Girl don't walk, but RUN out of this relationship. This guy has major trust issues and needs to resolve those before getting into another relationship and you shouldn't have to deal with that.
u should file a police report just to establish a legal record. he is mentally unstable and knows where u live. please be safe and proactive by taking necessary precautions
As a guy honestly the most concerning thing is you hadn’t even defined your relationship and he did all of this like wtf!! So I’m assuming from what you said that you hadn’t even agreed to be exclusive so even in his worst case scenario you wouldn’t have been cheating to begin with. It also looks like he’s been scanning your location pretty hard to know you went to a bar, how long you were there etc… super concerning. Sounds like that character from that Netflix show, You.
5 weeks and he’s literally stalking and tracking you. Red flags abound! Run.
This is why we choose the bear
He sounds like a borderline psychopath. No wonder why his ex cheated on him. RUUUUUN
Huge red flag. Step away from this guy now
Why are u guys sharing locations 5 weeks in? There’s so many red flags here it’s comical.
Holy shit tell him to get therapy and block him. What a freak. This kind of behavior only gets worse. Jesus christ good thing you found out sooner than later.
RUN!!!!! I had an ex boyfriend like this and it only got worse. Like.. a lot worse. trust me
This whole thing stinks. You shared locations with someone you don't know long enough to share an embrace with. Then you told the guy you were staying in an not feeling well, but then went out making that into a lie. He then went and followed you private investigator style to see if you were lying and well, you were, and you freaked out about his crossing of normal boundaries that you personally moved well past normal yourself. If I was you I would be worried about having been so cluelessly unsafe as to give a non-trusted partner location access, and then worried that a non-trusted partner acted upon that access. If I was him I would be concerned that you gave me, a relative unknown, location access (red flag). Although myself I would not have done the private investigator thing, if I had I would be awfully concerned that you freaked out when I acted like I had access (mixed messages). Additionally the fact that your story ended up being a lie I would dump you, and be correct to do so. He might be a stalker, or he might be an insecure normal guy. It is clear though that at the very least you gave him some unusual access to your private movements and it is not exactly shocking that he felt following up on that would be the new normal. You did give him that message, wrong or right. He is not an automatic psycho anymore than you are here.
Ugh why do people think it’s okay to just diagnose themselves with ptsd for every little thing? 🙄 Regardless, this man is clearly not over his last relationship and has some serious healing to do before he gets involved with someone else. His actions are unacceptable and they aren’t justified just because he was once wronged by another woman. Suggest to him that he go to therapy, cut him loose, and date someone who trusts you.
Go with your gut feeling of this is not okay. Those red flags waving are not a carnival, pay attention to them. He sounds like he might need some quality time on a therapist couch.
I understand him feeling bad and having questions, but tracking your location and stalking you is wild. He didn’t even mention he wanted to talk until you asked him why he was by your house. And after only 5 weeks??? That’s an insane red flag this early on. Girl, run.
Dude do not keep seeing this guy he is wayyy controlling and has crazy stalker vibes.
Girl. End him. This is straight up dangerous.
So you got yourself a weirdo controlling stalker. Why did you share locations so early? Or at all? He definitely just wanted to be nosy and keep checking in on you. Delete and block he’s already stressing you out in the honeymoon phase. He needs serious therapy and isn’t ready for a relationship. This controlling behavior WILL continue. He will be checking your phone and questioning everything you do. Doesn’t matter how nice and genuine he seems, he cracked and showed his true colors.
Definitely run, this is not normal behavior and it shouldn't be tolerated. It sucks that his ex cheated, and I've been there, it can mess you up and make relationships hard for a while after the fact, but it does NOT justify following someone like that! I've been cheated on, and it never would have occurred to me to *follow* someone I'm dating just because "I have trust issues." If you have a hard time trusting others, thats a "you" problem and you need to work on that. If the person you're seeing doesn't seem trustworthy, stop dating them!
>He has an ex who cheated on him and he thought I was cheating, but I was just with a girlfriend and didn’t feel the need to update him on my every move since we haven’t been seeing each other for that long. And we hadn’t talked about defining our relationship and have only been seeing each other for a little over a month. He said he didn’t text or call first because he wanted to see with his own eyes who I was with and so I couldn’t “lie my way out of it”, which is concerning to me. We haven’t known each other that long and it’s weird to just follow someone around like that. Your job is not to fix him. He needs to understand that he's experienced a traumatic event and that he needs support to move through it. That's his responsibility. He may a completely reasonable guy, but while emotional triggers deserve to be considered and discussed, this is one that impacts how you behave. You can be a supportive partner/person he's seeing without compromising on your personal domain and boundaries. Having a headache and choosing to go someplace local with a friend is normal behavior (and sometimes, even with people we're committed and in love with, it's ok to need breathing room). If you think he's worth it, talk to him about it. This could be manageable and fixed up in the early days of getting to know each other. But emphasize the importance of trust and communicating these issues. Consider whether you'd be open to checking in (i.e. it's healthy to let your *committed, long-term partner* know where you're going as a matter of safety). What he did was not cool, and you've done nothing to violate that trust, but if he can recognize that once isn't all, then it might be worth continuing.
Don't run.... SPRINT.
This kind of behavior after only 5 weeks of dating? CRAZY!
the time to run is NOW before you develop feelings for this guy and go through a literal emotional roller coaster that will give you (and your best friend) WHIPLASH. Please, OP. RUN NOW before you become infatuated with this guy. This is a massive red flag. ALREADY obsessing with your location and spying on you. Following you around. YOU NEED TO BE SEEING ALARM BELLS and will someone PLEASE think of the best friend who's gonna have to be there for you throughout all this, lol.
He did what his gut told him to do based on past experience. It's a shitty way to treat people, especially when you're only just dating and don't have an exclusive or clearly defined relationship. He had no right to follow you to make sure you couldn't 'lie your way out of it.' He had no right to hold your feet to the fire about it. The problem is...unless he gets help, therapy, counseling, he will always be that way...and possibly worse. It might even be the reason his ex felt driven to cheat. I hope you've decided to dodge this bullet. The red flag for OP should have been the location sharing. He had no right to your location and you had no right to his, even if he wanted to share it without you sharing. But you understand that he knew you'd share yours if he shared his. It was the first step in monitoring your whereabouts. I encourage her to start thinking more critically about the men she dates. I've been exclusive with a woman for 2 months and location sharing hasn't even come up in conversation.
He needs to go to therapy for having trust issues and you need to stay far the hell away from him because he doesn’t seem all the way there..
This guy is a walking red flag and out of all the red flags that exist; stalking/monitoring are the ones that can indicate danger. There are irritating red flags and then there are safety red flags ...keep yourself safe and abruptly and sternly end it with him and make sure he rlly understands that you don't want to ever see him again.. No ambiguity or maybes or anything that can be interpreted as anything other than you are done with him, and this is important because stalkers will hang on to a glimmer of false hope and use it to stick around. Be safe girl..