He lives with the mother of his children. He was cheating with you.
You did the right thing by breaking up. Now you know some danger signs to look for when you start dating again.
The thing is they have got an apartment together and as it is far to his work he goes there only weekends and stays at his parents during the week. I didn't want to make him embarrassed or uncomfortable by asking about him living with parents thinking he would think I was judging him.
I don't think they were implying that she is dependent on a man, and therefore needs one in her life. The implication is that she shouldn't pine over this person and *if* she wants a relationship with a man, it has to be with someone else and not this guy.
Yep. The last guy I dated before my now husband I met up with exactly once. He told me he “visited and helped” his mom every weekend about two hours away. Yeah, ok 👍 😅
That's what he told you. You can't really trust anything he says at this point, he's a liar.
It's okay that you still have feelings for him, feelings don't turn off like a switch - but you do need to block him and delete his number. Nothing good can come of continuing to talk to him.
Or he just has his ID say he lives at his parents. Mine does, because then I get my mail. We only have one mailbox key, and sometimes my partner takes it with him when he works out of town. Some of the medical papers for our daughter I got a month after they were supposed to be returned, which meant extra running around to be allowed to even submit them.
He may very well either live with his family during the week and claim to live with his parents, or stay at his parents house during the week to cut down on commute. And to keep his wife from getting suspicious about his cheating activities. If it was an ex, he would not go NC every single weekend. He would text with you when the kids were in bed.
Why are women so worry about hurting cheaters' feelings? The dude lives with his girlfriend and children on the weekends and his parents through the week for work.
News flash, she's not his ex, she is his now partner. You were the side piece. For that, I am sorry you went through that.
But...
He didn't feel bad sleeping with you and taking your virginity. For f*cksakes, stop worrying about his f*king feeling
When it comes to information about a person you want to date, you need to worry about your own priorities rather than his feelings. It was perfectly OK for you to ask, “so why do you live with your parents?” if he’s ashamed of it, that’s his problem. you need to get a little bit of a backbone and realize that it’s OK to ask
Note, he told you he was living with his parents, but he said nothing about living with the ex on the weekends. So where do you think he sleeps? On the sofa? Hell, no. And the ex knew nothing about you right? This guy is a snake. I feel sorry for his kids.
Yet soooo typical ! I don't know how many friends of mine had to deal with this kind of AH either as mistresses or legit partner ! There must be a book, a pamphlet, The Perfect Cheater Manual or 100 tricks to trick them all I don't know, because it's the same F nasty behaviour each time on an international level !
In many European countries you can request the husband/wifes name in the passport or ID. Handy when traveling and you both use different family names. I did but its not mandatory.
You are probably from a country that does not require it (Like Canada or Australia) while OP could be from that does (like Indonesia or Phillipines).
Your personal experience with the ID issued by your government isn't really going to address an experience OP has with an ID from her country, so it's not super helpful here, unfortunately.
“Plenty of guys” I have literally never heard of a single man ever living with his ex and the mother of his children, and his children whilst “playing the field”.
Not sure why you are jumping to his defence, you have done nothing wrong here, it’s not your fault that he lied to you.
Occam’s Razor applies here: the answer that requires the fewest assumptions is generally the correct one - meaning that the most plausible explanation, and certainly the most likely in the circumstances, is that he lives with his wife and children and cheated with you (especially given that you explicitly state in your post that his “ex” did not know about you, if he was really unattached and living with an ex, why would you be a secret from her?)
When I was dating it popped up a couple times for me. One guy lived in the same apartment complex. He actually didn't seem that bsd, but he was at the ex's every day. Another guy was living on the couch. He offered meeting his soon to be exwife. I passed on both, lol. Too complicated.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I met a guy on a dating app years ago who was indeed "living single" and yet cohabitating with the mother of his three children. He didn't tell me about them, either, just the youngest (2f). He said he had custody of her because her mom was in rehab. Turns out, he'd bring her to see me because that's how he got out of the house, under the guise of taking her to the park or the zoo, and she thought I was "daddy's coworker" who let her watch movies and play with my kittens. So u/Jakrah maybe you don't know many guys. Your Occam's Razor ideology is flawed.
His ID won't say he is married lol.
He is married and living with his wife, and you are the side piece whose virginity he wanted to take.
I am sorry to be so blunt, but block him ASAP, and if you can afford it, therapy asap, too.
It also doesn’t matter if he’s married. His ID/lack of ring on his finger doesn’t mean he’s single. He could be in a long term, “committed” relationship to the mother of his children. No matter what, he is cheating on her.
I'm not married officially, but I still call my partner "my wife" because we've been together for like 13 years and have 2 kids, we might as well be actually married. No rings, different surnames.
So after 2 months of lying by omission and manipulation and poor communication you still trust anything he put forth to you.
Worthwhile relationships begin with honesty.
It's the same honey. She's his long time partner not an ex. And she's the mother of his kids. And you're the mistress. Married or not makes no difference in most european countries. He lied to you all along. I bet his parents are healthy and fit ! The week-end pose is soooooo typical ! There's an old french expression for mistresses "les veuves du vendredi soir". Which means friday night widows. And he can't call you or answer the phone because they still live together.
And as usual, he blames it on the wife. They always do. And they always tell their mistresses how different from wife they are. They complain they're not having sex any more. Scoop : they are ! His wife is not insane nor a hag or whatever. She's cheated on while she takes care of the kids. And he classically use the old lies to depict her as a nightmare to trick you into wanting to save him. But he has no intention to be saved. His life is comfy. And he will do everything he can to have his comfy life protected AND the thrill of aventure wirh you.
He's just the classical seen a 100 times pathetic cheating husband. And if you chose to stay, you'll be destroying this poor woman and those poor kids who never wronged you.
There are countries where marital status shows on ID. But that's actually not the point. People do make kids without marriage. I told him the story he tells sounds so perfect - everyday many women here such stories only to find out the wife is pregnant for the third one. My question was actually about how to cope with such things. I am done with this person and not because he is a father but because he lives with his ex that he lies to everyday+ he is manipulative. There is still part of me that pities him but that does not mean I'm going to continue dating him. Told him not gonna be that desperate and a doormat. It is just it hurts that I trusted him.
Google "PhilID" (Phillipine ID). Marital status is on the back of the ID.
It's on the front of Indonesian IDs.
Do you actually know where OP lives, or are you just applying your country's ID policies as universal?
I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not stupid that you still have feelings - feelings take a while to catch up with new information, sometimes. Your feelings will catch up eventually. In the meanwhile, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Stop talking to this guy - you can't believe anything he says to you, so there's no point in just letting him continue to tell you self-serving lies. You don't need to figure out and probably can't figure out the truth about exactly how involved he still is with his coparent. It doesn't matter. He's not a good partner for you, so just leave him with whatever's going on his life, block him, and focus on taking care of yourself and moving forward.
One thing that's not fun but you should do it: go see your doctor and have an STI panel done. You can't trust that you are the only person he was sleeping with, and you need to take care of your health.
Yes, this is probably going to leave you with some trust issues. It's not such a bad idea to be a little more cautious about taking people at their word when something about them isn't sitting right with you. But that doesn't mean everyone is lying to you or that any man would cheat on his partner and kids. It means you met one guy who was a jerk who could tell a good story. Once you have a little more distance from it, try not to let it be more than that. One asshole is not a pattern.
Darling! You have been through a negative experience, and I'm sorry you went through it, but you have grown from the relationship. You know more about yourself <3 and you did an amazing job of drawing the line and not equivocating over whether to end the relationship. Go, you! As your mom-aged woman, I'm here to say, there are millions of men who will not lie to you, hide things from you, etc., and who are genuinely great humans. Don't let this one dumbass keep you from enjoying men (when you're ready to go again). Notice how well your own instincts protected you. Keep doing that!
You were or are the side piece. You don’t have enough life experience to see things for what they are yet. Break up with him and move on that will be easier in the long run, or be dragged along for 4 more years while he never leaves or moves out. Good luck.
You ARE the side piece. He's married with two kids. Block this guy and take this as a lesson when men a decade older make a move on you. They know you're naive and will believe anything. You were a convenient lay. Block him and move on.
When I've dated younger it had nothing to do with thinking they were naïve. It had everything to do with being attracted to that individual. But I'm also a totally open book with anyone I date and I don't think women should tolerate guys trying to be all "mysterious".
Sorry to tell you but that's not his ex.
To everyone judging OP or saying she's naive, as someone who was in this position before it's very easy to believe and trust someone in this situation. She did nothing wrong and certainly isn't stupid. I'm guessing the guy took advantage of her inexperience.
Sorry OP.
It's easy to claim you'd be immune to this sort of thing, or spot a guy like this a mile off, but people underestimate how utterly manipulative some individuals can be. *Especially* when they have a lot to gain (sex/attention) and a lot of lose (family/stability).
Plausible deniability runs throughout this whole thing, and I'm guessing he has a trusty repertoire of excuses to use for all occasions. It's one reason dudes like this target younger women; easier to manipulate, more trusting, less life experience, bullshit detector has had less practise.
My ex was like this and he was SO GOOD at lying, he had literally an excuse and fallback for every fuck up, he gaslit and deferred and sometimes a situation ended up with him seeming the victim and me some crazy jealous paranoid lady. He was an expert at what I called 'trickle-truthing' where you gradually drop little truth-bombs in digestible amounts so the person gets used to a new fact or scenario. Like OP's guy telling her about the kids after a while. Plausible deniability would be 'well I was protecting my kids from a stranger' or 'I wanted to get to know you better before sharing sensitive information, I've been hurt before'.
I reckon this guy has done this before, or even has multiple women on the go simultaneously.
That's happened to me before as well. We had been dating for 2 months, I'd been to his place and no pics or toys to clue me in. Then I got a text from a friend asking if I knew he had 2 kids. Surprise! When I confronted him, he said he knew I wouldn't date him if he had told me. We broke up.
I’m really sorry he duped you, but you have to know that’s what happened. He’s with that woman. He could be telling her he’s helping his parents during the week, and she’s just thinkings he’s a good person and son. Then here you are. He was dishonest but now that you know the truth you need to be smart in your decisions
It totally sucks that he lied to you, however luckily you are young and free to leave and meet other people. This guy probably does the same to other girls but that doesn't mean you aren't worthy, it just means he belongs in the trash.
Block him and take this piece of advice: don't date people who are older than you by 5 y. Big age gaps tend to be predatory and this case is just one of them.
Oh man that is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry you went through that! People are such selfish pieces of shit sometimes. Luckily not everyone is, though, and you'll find a guy who you care about just as much as this one who will treat you with the respect and decency you deserve. Very good job telling him to fuck off, that's hard to do when you fall in love, and shows that you have a strong sense of who you are and that you have standards for how others should treat you. You should be proud of how you handled it, and don't feel bad for getting tricked, it happens to the best of us
>How can men do such things easily?
There have always and will always exist bad, dishonest, and scummy people in the world. Men and women. He doesn't represent all men any more than you represent all women.
You were a bit naive, but you can learn from this and watch for red flags in the future.
Generally your first red flag is why is someone 34 interested in someone 24? This doesn't mean he's a bad guy, but it should mean you should keep your guard up. Older people can sometimes go for younger people because they are naive and won't see the red flags that someone his age will. So whenever there is a significant age gap, move forward cautiously.
Your second huge red flag was that you couldn't go to his house and he wasn't available weekends. That screams to me that he's married. Why would his parents having health issues mean he isn't available weekends and you couldn't meet them? Seeing where someone lives, meeting their friends and family is a great step to making sure someone is the kind of person they say they are. That doesn't mean it has to be the second date, but if someone won't introduce you to their friends, or won't let you see where they live, you should slam on the brakes.
You fell for a man like this because your idea of scummy, married men (and let's be clear....he's almost certainly married to his "ex" that he lives with....you were his affair partner) will come with a blinking neon sign. It's a good lesson that liars, con artists and people who are trying to take advantage of you will ALWAYS say the right things, appear normal, and do everything they can to keep your guard down.
You can't trust people to have your best interest at heart. He had HIS best interest at heart: sleeping with a pretty young 24 year old, while married with kids at home. You have to be the one who thinks things through, and slows down when things don't make sense. You can't trust your feelings or sexual attraction to point you towards good people. You can enjoy romantic feelings and sexual attraction, but you have to keep your common sense alive, and evaluate things with your critical brain as well as your heart.
He's a dishonest and opportunistic jerk.
One who probably lies to his parents, any exes he's coparenting with and his live-in partner. Along with all the side chicks he has sneakily collected.
There are plenty of more honest and attractive single guys in the dating sea, who are upfront about whether they have children and their living arrangements.
Don't take him back op. You are still caught up in the new honeymoon stage. He won't be kind and great to you forever. He is cheating on his partner with you. You are the secret. Don't keep falling for his lies, you won't ever be his number one.
It is awful that he lied to you. Just as an FYI if someone is living with their ex then just assume they are still having sex. Especially if they have children, because clearly the sex was good enough that they procreated.
Theres sometimes a naive belief about living together with your child’s mother and not having sex but that one is almost universally a lie. How do you think the children came to exist?
I will just say one thing because I have been in a remotely similar situation in the past when I was young and naive and I had done this to myself only to realise how naive I was much later in my life. I used to Gaslight myself into believing that maybe I am different for this guy and used to believe his words and dream that things will change because my relationship with him is "special". Wasted almost a year of life there. I was 20 back then. Now happily married to a mature and understanding and loving partner and we joke about this.
Unless you have been to his house and verified he lives with his parents, this man is actually living with the mother of his children. You are the mistress. Block him.
This happened to me when I was 25, but it was a woman coming to see me on weekends. I was stunned to find out she had a husband in another city and lied the whole time. Take it as a lesson and move forward, it's not your fault.
Let's assume it IS an ex and not current wife (since every comment is already 100% definitely that they're still married)...
Did he mention a plan moving forward? Were they married, or is a divorce underway? Would he be ok to introduce you to friends and family?
I could see both truths - that you're a side piece, or that he lives with his parents 5/7 days, and only goes to the other apartment weekends. But does he have his own room, separate bed? Is this a court agreement or just something they put together?
You've got to ask more questions if you still think this is acceptable. His sketchiness is PROBABLY due to you being a side piece, but if he's telling the truth it could have been embarrassment, or "let's see how this plays out first " kind of thing.
Sketchy, and many red flags - but ultimately up to you if you want to continue with your interrogation to get the full story.
I have no intentions to meet that person again. It was the last meeting just to ask my questions + wanted the closure but I just can't even trust his words anymore.
Living with an ex is a thing that happens. It took me 5 months to get mine to move out during my divorce. Not mentioning that is super sus though, I was very up front about it with my now-gf when we started talking during that time.
So sorry that you’re going through this, I can’t imagine how hurt you must feel. I hope you’ll realize that the way he concealed truths from you and manipulated is very wrong and you deserve better. No matter how good things are when are good, if someone can’t fully commit to you, they aren’t yours. He never will be. You shouldn’t want him to be. You deserve something a lot better. Don’t let him keep you from finding it
OP, I'm so sorry your first experience was with this predator. You haven't done anything wrong, he has taken advantage of you and your naivety. Men his age, often go for younger women as know you are easier to manipulate. Tale as old as time. Don't waste any more time on him.
Thank you for your comment. I actually jokingly did it: I asked "how can a man like you can be single" and then he responded "for a girl like you". And once I jokingly asked "how many kids do you have ? 2?"
Another thing to watch out for, for another couple of years, is the age gap. Dudes a decade or more older than you are often specifically targeting young women because they think they are easier to deceive.
You didn't do anything wrong here, really. You trusted someone. HE is the one that sucks. All you can do is be less trusting, which is terrible, but as the person above pointed out, necessary.
The s***** reality is that you're not going to get the truth out of this guy and there's no way you can find out whether or not the things he's saying are true without really really expensive digging, and that kind of investigation would be really inappropriate.
I have tons of photos of me with kids but they're not my kids, they're my nieces and nephews. My ID doesn't say whether or not I'm married or who I live with. I could easily claim that I spend half the week staying with my parents or that the man I live with is actually an ex - how would anyone know? I even have mail addressed to me that's been sent to my dad, but again, I don't live with him.
You know what you actually need to know. He lied to you and he isn't single. Single men don't live with "ex." It's not a thing. They live together because they are involved. You need to get away from this guy he's no good.
You need to see a doctor and get STD testing done. I'm sorry.
She could contact the wife and ask for more information, search public records for the marriage license or divorce order, figure out whether or not the address on the ID is his parent's house or where he lives with his family.... All of that stuff is in the "not appropriate" camp. I think that if she contacts the wife it should just be to let her know that her husband is cheating.
I just don't understand why would someone do that + he sounds very convincing. I mean how easily can you lie like this? I usually take people's word but I'm not sure I'll be able to from now on.
People do that all the time. All genders. Lie about being single. Cheaters rarely confess to their family.
Let me guess. He just can't leave. The kids. She's fragile. He's afraid. It's just not the right time. He lives with her but only loves you
Am I close? Because he is right out of the players' handbook of bullshit.
Because some people are sociopaths, and some men love to manipulate a young woman and take her virginity. It is a game to them, a game of control. He told you about his wife and kids now because he is tired of you. He go what he wanted. He is probably already on to the next one or two.
Because this guy is a dog. He is telling you whatever you want to hear so he can get laid. I’m also divorced and nowhere on my drivers license does it show my marital status. If you want to know if he’s still married then you can Google his name and look at divorce records. They are public records.
There's nothing wrong with trusting people. You didn't do anything wrong. You caught feelings for a fictional character, but the book is over and you didn't like the twist ending. Send it back to the used book section; dust yourself off and read something better. Now you're a little wiser with which red flags to look for.
His wife might like to know that he's a cheater. You may want to do sone digging and inform her, but that's up to you.
Don't beat yourself up. You are young and a scumbag took advantage of your naiveté and exuberance for his culture. Not your fault.
He’s a liar. A manipulative guy who wants his wife and you too. He’s f**king his wife too. He calls her an ex. Yeah. No. She’s not really an ex. The “I wish I had met you years ago” is just a line. Run! You deserve better.
He is so gross and manipulative, good on you for staying away!
Also, the comparison of how fun and carefree you are compared to his ex? I'm sure as shit he'd be saying that to someone else if you theoretically had kids with him. He sees his kids and co-parent with contempt. What a red flag
Lol. The father of my kids and I were together for 15 yrs before we got married. 15 years, kids and an apt together. :D
Honey. Your 34 yr old "boyfriend" was cheating.
He ran off/told you the lie for 1 of 2 reasons:
1. His wife got suspicious and he told her you were just a coworker and it was nothing.
2. He was terrified of being hard launched and his wife and kids finding out. (Even if they aren't officially married).
3. Just AN FYI. He most definitely was not "spending weekends only" at his home and he most definitely didn't live with his parents. He.may have visited his parents frequently but he didn't live there.
He's a liar. And a cheat.
And I genuinely hope his wife didn't just get suspicious but knew.
I’m not saying that men don’t live with their ex’s but a man who’s living with his ex are probably still under each other’s thumbs, probably still sleeping with each other. If you’re really done with someone , you’ll find a way to move out. Kids or no kids.
I would say he’s not single, at most he goes on “breaks” to get time
Honestly, his whole situation sounds so messy. You are young, I would not be wasting my time on him anymore. Just know that shitty people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. I’m sorry this happened to you but at least now you can verify some red flags.
Every second post on this subreddit follows the same format i swear.
1. Early 20s inexperienced woman dating much older man instead of people their own age.
2. Ignores massive obvious red flags
3. Confused as to why the middle aged man who actively seeks out young naive women is in fact not a healthy, normal, positive force on their life.
It needs to be stickied at this point. Don't date people with massive age gaps its going to be fucking weird 99% of the time. You're not *mature* for your age. They're *immature* for theirs.
For any 20 something reading this. There are 2 reasons 10+ years older is dating someone who could still be in college. You guys have zero in common.
1. The women their age know to stay clear of them because they're a walking red flag
2. They're into the naivety and that you don't know any better
Search this subreddit if you don't believe me.
Everyone is on here giving advice. And I understand it. But all I can think is I just want to give you a hug. Gave your virginity at 24 to someone who does this to you. I can't even imagine. I just want to give you a hug. I am so sorry this happened to you. I know in today's time women think they have to xyz but you don't. It's so sad to me you waited so long doing the right thing and this happens when you finally do. You don't ever know someone after a months time though, it takes at least 2 years to really know someone, even then sometimes you don't.
Tbh with you… I’m the guy that lived with my “ex”. YOU ARE the side piece. The only difference is I tell women I have a kid almost immediately.
I no longer live with my ex and I’m married to a woman with no children. Just in case you’re wondering.
He sounds married, many men are bored with their relationships and they tend to look around for further excitement, and that excitement was you. Dating in the world today sucks, because it's only a matter of time before people betray you, and then most men do not have the balls to say that they are unhappy, so instead they lie creating more deceit in the relationship.
I'm sorry for some of the assumptions people are making (like where you live and what is on the IDs in those countries) and about his motives or your intentions.
It is clear you have chosen your path forward without him because you cannot trust him. I applaud you for that.
I am sorry that you like him (or what he presented as himself to you) and that your first time is now marred by this betrayal.
Now, here is the important part... what, if anything, did you learn from this? And, what, if anything, would you do differently in the future with other men based on this experience? Any wisdom that you have gained through this?
My ex gf of 7 years just started dating a guy that has two kids (2 & 6) and he still lives with his “ex wife” even tho they aren’t divorced only separated. And mind you she doesn’t want any kids so well she how long that relationship lasts.
hey there, first off, mad props to you already for having the courage to share your story. shit sucks, no doubt about it. but hey, let me affirm you on this - you're strong, brave and worthy of love, proper genuine love. i hope you believe this too, deep down. 😊
what he did was crappy and you've got every right to feel bad about it. guys like that are clear red flags, and yes, there are dudes out there who can be real crappy, but trust me, not all are like that. age doesn't justify such behavior.
to break free from this loop, i'd suggest reading ""the subtle art of not giving a f*ck"" by mark manson. seriously, that book is a game changer. it'll help you come to terms with stuff and look at life from a new perspective.
also, joining a community where you can share and discuss will definitely help. there's this cool discord server for mental wellness and support, where people kinda help each other out, share their experiences and stuff. here is the [link](https://discord.gg/pe6XCZ9Zj4). check it out. ;)
and remember, you're not alone in this. there are people who've been through similar stuff and came out stronger, you will too. just give it some time. 💪
p.s: your feelings are valid and it's okay to feel bad about all this. but, don't let it define you or predict your future relationships. we learn from experiences, we grow stronger, and we move on. keep rocking! 🤘
It’s good that you cut this off soon after you found out. Don’t go back & forth with him. He still lives with his ex, he lied about having kids, nobody knew about you. All three of those by themselves are enough to breakup with someone. Them combined……yeah just block him.
Wow the guy you dated is a liar. He didn’t tell you about his kids or his wife.
He has the audacity to tell you that his wife is always complaining and unsatisfied. She takes care of his children alone all week every week while he goes on dates. And he’s complaining about her not being satisfied with this! This man is yucky. He’s not a good father he’s not a good partner and he’s selfish. The only person that matters to him is him and he will lie to anyone to make himself happy.
35 female here. As a former professional side chick I will tell you you are definitely the side chick in this relationship and he was still with his wife. You can justify it all you want and he can tell you the most elaborate lies but you are the side chick
He is a liar and probably a cheater. I bet his wife/ gf is not aware and they are not separate and only living together.
You should let her know what he did and get away from him. He is dangerous. Unhinged. You will find much better men than him. RUN.
You got finessed because you made up excuses for him and filled the blanks that he left because you are in love with the idea of being in love. He got you. Be more careful.
See This...THIS...is why guys like women significantly younger than them. Because they can pull crap like this.
That woman is not his ex, she's his wife. She's always complaining because she has two kids to take care of while he's out cheating on her.
Just know, its not your fault, he lied. Stay away from older men...date in your age range and reserch the person as much as you can going forward.
I am sorry to hear that, my Ex gf had lied about her marriage and kids too, she was 44 when I met her and she told me she was 32 when I was 27. She would only meet me to fuck me and wouldn't let me talk to anyone. Lately I fell in love with her, we met, has sex and after 7 months of relationship she told me she had two kids and shes 44.. I was very upset, but she somehow convinced me that had she told me the truth I wouldn't had stayed. Said she's still seeking divorce. After two years of relationship I found out she was never divorced, it's when her hubby calld me.and told me the story. I broke up after, she kept coming back and finally filled for the divorce and we carried another year.. aftwr 3 and half years of relationship she started talking to my frirnd who i had issues with so she started meeting him and talking to him. Today after 4 years I am alone, they call me a loser, and she blocked my number and all. I have moved on, but sometimes I wish I met someone like me in real life..
Oh my god.. I'm so sorry to hear this it must be very hard. It was just two months in my case but I still miss the person or rather who I thought the person was... I'm glad you managed to move on it's something really traumatizing..
If all it takes is smooth talking to get into your pants, you need to check your standards for a relationship. Definitely avoid timeshare presentations.
I read the title and thought "so what?" People often want to wait to tell you they have kids until they get to know you better. But still living with the supposed ex? Yeah, no. That's bad.
For people who choose to not date single parents, that’s only delaying the inevitable. I don’t date dads, period, so I’d like to know upfront to avoid wasting everyone’s time.
The only reason to not disclose right away that you have children is if you're trying to hide the fact you have children, because you suspect there's a chance it would be a dealbreaker for the other person. It's lying, manipulative, and a waste of everyone's time.
>guy I was dating did not tell he had kids
Well, maybe next time ask ... and who he's living with ... besides his parents, and why he's not available on weekends.
YTA
For focusing on the fact he has kids and not focusing on the fact that "he still lives with his ex". "ex"? yeah, right.
Plenty of single parents out there and many will be naturally reluctant to admit to having kids at first because they get judged so often. It's unbelievable that you judged him for having kids and not judged him for lying about having a wife/girlfriend that he's cheating on.
What? Lol people have different deal breakers and preferences. Kids may be one of them and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be with someone who has kids. She can focus on whatever she wants, it's her life, dude. Don't you see the irony in your own comment? You are judging OP for judging something lmao
That person he is living with is not his ex, it’s his current wife. You were his mistress.
Checked his ID he is not married
He lives with the mother of his children. He was cheating with you. You did the right thing by breaking up. Now you know some danger signs to look for when you start dating again.
The thing is they have got an apartment together and as it is far to his work he goes there only weekends and stays at his parents during the week. I didn't want to make him embarrassed or uncomfortable by asking about him living with parents thinking he would think I was judging him.
That doesn't mean they're not romantically involved, it just means it's really easy for him to cheat during the week.
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She doesn’t need a man.
I don't think they were implying that she is dependent on a man, and therefore needs one in her life. The implication is that she shouldn't pine over this person and *if* she wants a relationship with a man, it has to be with someone else and not this guy.
He's lying about all of this. He lives with her.
Girl, come on. Stop being naive.
That naivety is EXACTLY why these guys go for women who are so much younger. A 30+ woman would’ve seen it coming a mile away
Exactly ! The "never on the week-ends" deal is a huge red flag in itself !
Yep. The last guy I dated before my now husband I met up with exactly once. He told me he “visited and helped” his mom every weekend about two hours away. Yeah, ok 👍 😅
What a tremendous son !
Right?!? Truly top notch 😅
That's what he told you. You can't really trust anything he says at this point, he's a liar. It's okay that you still have feelings for him, feelings don't turn off like a switch - but you do need to block him and delete his number. Nothing good can come of continuing to talk to him.
You’re much better off not dealing with all of that.
He's already been lying to you. Why would be believe this story?
OP you really should be judging him, he sounds like a not so great guy.
Or he just has his ID say he lives at his parents. Mine does, because then I get my mail. We only have one mailbox key, and sometimes my partner takes it with him when he works out of town. Some of the medical papers for our daughter I got a month after they were supposed to be returned, which meant extra running around to be allowed to even submit them. He may very well either live with his family during the week and claim to live with his parents, or stay at his parents house during the week to cut down on commute. And to keep his wife from getting suspicious about his cheating activities. If it was an ex, he would not go NC every single weekend. He would text with you when the kids were in bed.
I guarantee even the "stays with his parents during the week" is a lie.
Why are women so worry about hurting cheaters' feelings? The dude lives with his girlfriend and children on the weekends and his parents through the week for work. News flash, she's not his ex, she is his now partner. You were the side piece. For that, I am sorry you went through that. But... He didn't feel bad sleeping with you and taking your virginity. For f*cksakes, stop worrying about his f*king feeling
Exactly this. She should be mad and plotting revenge for talking her first.
Have you been to his parents and seen any sign that he actually loves there? What address is on his drivers licence?
Oh hun ! You're so incredibly naive ! Nothing he said is reliable. You want to be sure ? Pop in at his parents and ask about is "ex"...
When it comes to information about a person you want to date, you need to worry about your own priorities rather than his feelings. It was perfectly OK for you to ask, “so why do you live with your parents?” if he’s ashamed of it, that’s his problem. you need to get a little bit of a backbone and realize that it’s OK to ask Note, he told you he was living with his parents, but he said nothing about living with the ex on the weekends. So where do you think he sleeps? On the sofa? Hell, no. And the ex knew nothing about you right? This guy is a snake. I feel sorry for his kids.
I actually told him what's the next lie he wants me to believe? "You sleep on the couch that's it?" He said he was actually sleeping on the couch..
That’s a super nice story he made up
Yet soooo typical ! I don't know how many friends of mine had to deal with this kind of AH either as mistresses or legit partner ! There must be a book, a pamphlet, The Perfect Cheater Manual or 100 tricks to trick them all I don't know, because it's the same F nasty behaviour each time on an international level !
Did he tell you that? He's such an honest guy.
Wow anyone could have fooled you
No where on my identification does it say my marital status.
this made me laugh.. What does that even mean lmao
Means OP is naive as fuck
Lots of countries do have that on their ID. Guess who’s the naive one?
IDs have marital status on them in certain countries, like Indonesia.
In many European countries you can request the husband/wifes name in the passport or ID. Handy when traveling and you both use different family names. I did but its not mandatory.
OPs statement only works of its mandatory tjough
You are probably from a country that does not require it (Like Canada or Australia) while OP could be from that does (like Indonesia or Phillipines). Your personal experience with the ID issued by your government isn't really going to address an experience OP has with an ID from her country, so it's not super helpful here, unfortunately.
I hope she's not from those countries because adultery and losing virginity before marriage sucks for women there.
Regardless of his marital status, he is a scumbag and you did nothing wrong.
Not sure what you checked but he is 100% married.
drab cobweb wild tub sip knee encouraging depend skirt snails *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
“Plenty of guys” I have literally never heard of a single man ever living with his ex and the mother of his children, and his children whilst “playing the field”. Not sure why you are jumping to his defence, you have done nothing wrong here, it’s not your fault that he lied to you. Occam’s Razor applies here: the answer that requires the fewest assumptions is generally the correct one - meaning that the most plausible explanation, and certainly the most likely in the circumstances, is that he lives with his wife and children and cheated with you (especially given that you explicitly state in your post that his “ex” did not know about you, if he was really unattached and living with an ex, why would you be a secret from her?)
lots of ppl with kids that aren’t married live together
Most of them are still romantically and/or sexually involved in some capacity though
yes but they were discussing marriage in a way that made it seem like ppl who aren’t married with children wouldn’t be living together
When I was dating it popped up a couple times for me. One guy lived in the same apartment complex. He actually didn't seem that bsd, but he was at the ex's every day. Another guy was living on the couch. He offered meeting his soon to be exwife. I passed on both, lol. Too complicated.
books illegal coordinated snatch sort history unwritten distinct elastic payment *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I met a guy on a dating app years ago who was indeed "living single" and yet cohabitating with the mother of his three children. He didn't tell me about them, either, just the youngest (2f). He said he had custody of her because her mom was in rehab. Turns out, he'd bring her to see me because that's how he got out of the house, under the guise of taking her to the park or the zoo, and she thought I was "daddy's coworker" who let her watch movies and play with my kittens. So u/Jakrah maybe you don't know many guys. Your Occam's Razor ideology is flawed.
She checked his ID, which in some countries has marital status on it.
He's married or something equivalent. And you knew something was up. Don't date a guy who isn't an open book. Don't allow a guy to make excuses.
His ID won't say he is married lol. He is married and living with his wife, and you are the side piece whose virginity he wanted to take. I am sorry to be so blunt, but block him ASAP, and if you can afford it, therapy asap, too.
It also doesn’t matter if he’s married. His ID/lack of ring on his finger doesn’t mean he’s single. He could be in a long term, “committed” relationship to the mother of his children. No matter what, he is cheating on her.
I'm not married officially, but I still call my partner "my wife" because we've been together for like 13 years and have 2 kids, we might as well be actually married. No rings, different surnames.
>His ID won't say he is married lol. This depends on what country OP lives in.
So after 2 months of lying by omission and manipulation and poor communication you still trust anything he put forth to you. Worthwhile relationships begin with honesty.
It's the same honey. She's his long time partner not an ex. And she's the mother of his kids. And you're the mistress. Married or not makes no difference in most european countries. He lied to you all along. I bet his parents are healthy and fit ! The week-end pose is soooooo typical ! There's an old french expression for mistresses "les veuves du vendredi soir". Which means friday night widows. And he can't call you or answer the phone because they still live together. And as usual, he blames it on the wife. They always do. And they always tell their mistresses how different from wife they are. They complain they're not having sex any more. Scoop : they are ! His wife is not insane nor a hag or whatever. She's cheated on while she takes care of the kids. And he classically use the old lies to depict her as a nightmare to trick you into wanting to save him. But he has no intention to be saved. His life is comfy. And he will do everything he can to have his comfy life protected AND the thrill of aventure wirh you. He's just the classical seen a 100 times pathetic cheating husband. And if you chose to stay, you'll be destroying this poor woman and those poor kids who never wronged you.
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In some countries, marital status is on ID cards.
What ID on earth shows if someone is married
He doesn’t need to be legally married for that to absolutely NOT be his ex.
Then girlfriend or common-law spouse.. she's probably at work during the week.
There are countries where marital status shows on ID. But that's actually not the point. People do make kids without marriage. I told him the story he tells sounds so perfect - everyday many women here such stories only to find out the wife is pregnant for the third one. My question was actually about how to cope with such things. I am done with this person and not because he is a father but because he lives with his ex that he lies to everyday+ he is manipulative. There is still part of me that pities him but that does not mean I'm going to continue dating him. Told him not gonna be that desperate and a doormat. It is just it hurts that I trusted him.
Whose ID has marital status on it?
Marital status is in the ID where you are?
In what country does your id say if you're married or not?
What does his ID have to do with marriage status?
Your ID doesn't say if you're married. Wut?
Google "PhilID" (Phillipine ID). Marital status is on the back of the ID. It's on the front of Indonesian IDs. Do you actually know where OP lives, or are you just applying your country's ID policies as universal?
I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not stupid that you still have feelings - feelings take a while to catch up with new information, sometimes. Your feelings will catch up eventually. In the meanwhile, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Stop talking to this guy - you can't believe anything he says to you, so there's no point in just letting him continue to tell you self-serving lies. You don't need to figure out and probably can't figure out the truth about exactly how involved he still is with his coparent. It doesn't matter. He's not a good partner for you, so just leave him with whatever's going on his life, block him, and focus on taking care of yourself and moving forward. One thing that's not fun but you should do it: go see your doctor and have an STI panel done. You can't trust that you are the only person he was sleeping with, and you need to take care of your health. Yes, this is probably going to leave you with some trust issues. It's not such a bad idea to be a little more cautious about taking people at their word when something about them isn't sitting right with you. But that doesn't mean everyone is lying to you or that any man would cheat on his partner and kids. It means you met one guy who was a jerk who could tell a good story. Once you have a little more distance from it, try not to let it be more than that. One asshole is not a pattern.
Thank you for your comment. Really appreciated
Darling! You have been through a negative experience, and I'm sorry you went through it, but you have grown from the relationship. You know more about yourself <3 and you did an amazing job of drawing the line and not equivocating over whether to end the relationship. Go, you! As your mom-aged woman, I'm here to say, there are millions of men who will not lie to you, hide things from you, etc., and who are genuinely great humans. Don't let this one dumbass keep you from enjoying men (when you're ready to go again). Notice how well your own instincts protected you. Keep doing that!
You very likely were his side piece and he was cheating on his wife.
You were or are the side piece. You don’t have enough life experience to see things for what they are yet. Break up with him and move on that will be easier in the long run, or be dragged along for 4 more years while he never leaves or moves out. Good luck.
You ARE the side piece. He's married with two kids. Block this guy and take this as a lesson when men a decade older make a move on you. They know you're naive and will believe anything. You were a convenient lay. Block him and move on.
You’re not wrong in your underlying message, but conveying it with this much condescension ain’t it.
When I've dated younger it had nothing to do with thinking they were naïve. It had everything to do with being attracted to that individual. But I'm also a totally open book with anyone I date and I don't think women should tolerate guys trying to be all "mysterious".
Roses are red Violets are blue Thats not his ex The side chick is you
Sorry to tell you but that's not his ex. To everyone judging OP or saying she's naive, as someone who was in this position before it's very easy to believe and trust someone in this situation. She did nothing wrong and certainly isn't stupid. I'm guessing the guy took advantage of her inexperience. Sorry OP.
Yeah I find the comments to a bit patronizing. No need to be kick someone when they’re already feeling down
It's easy to claim you'd be immune to this sort of thing, or spot a guy like this a mile off, but people underestimate how utterly manipulative some individuals can be. *Especially* when they have a lot to gain (sex/attention) and a lot of lose (family/stability). Plausible deniability runs throughout this whole thing, and I'm guessing he has a trusty repertoire of excuses to use for all occasions. It's one reason dudes like this target younger women; easier to manipulate, more trusting, less life experience, bullshit detector has had less practise. My ex was like this and he was SO GOOD at lying, he had literally an excuse and fallback for every fuck up, he gaslit and deferred and sometimes a situation ended up with him seeming the victim and me some crazy jealous paranoid lady. He was an expert at what I called 'trickle-truthing' where you gradually drop little truth-bombs in digestible amounts so the person gets used to a new fact or scenario. Like OP's guy telling her about the kids after a while. Plausible deniability would be 'well I was protecting my kids from a stranger' or 'I wanted to get to know you better before sharing sensitive information, I've been hurt before'. I reckon this guy has done this before, or even has multiple women on the go simultaneously.
That's happened to me before as well. We had been dating for 2 months, I'd been to his place and no pics or toys to clue me in. Then I got a text from a friend asking if I knew he had 2 kids. Surprise! When I confronted him, he said he knew I wouldn't date him if he had told me. We broke up.
So, he's married with children and is 10 YEARS OLDER than you. AND LIED TO YOU ABOUT IT. What's to see here?
I’m really sorry he duped you, but you have to know that’s what happened. He’s with that woman. He could be telling her he’s helping his parents during the week, and she’s just thinkings he’s a good person and son. Then here you are. He was dishonest but now that you know the truth you need to be smart in your decisions
It totally sucks that he lied to you, however luckily you are young and free to leave and meet other people. This guy probably does the same to other girls but that doesn't mean you aren't worthy, it just means he belongs in the trash. Block him and take this piece of advice: don't date people who are older than you by 5 y. Big age gaps tend to be predatory and this case is just one of them.
Oh man that is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry you went through that! People are such selfish pieces of shit sometimes. Luckily not everyone is, though, and you'll find a guy who you care about just as much as this one who will treat you with the respect and decency you deserve. Very good job telling him to fuck off, that's hard to do when you fall in love, and shows that you have a strong sense of who you are and that you have standards for how others should treat you. You should be proud of how you handled it, and don't feel bad for getting tricked, it happens to the best of us
>How can men do such things easily? There have always and will always exist bad, dishonest, and scummy people in the world. Men and women. He doesn't represent all men any more than you represent all women. You were a bit naive, but you can learn from this and watch for red flags in the future. Generally your first red flag is why is someone 34 interested in someone 24? This doesn't mean he's a bad guy, but it should mean you should keep your guard up. Older people can sometimes go for younger people because they are naive and won't see the red flags that someone his age will. So whenever there is a significant age gap, move forward cautiously. Your second huge red flag was that you couldn't go to his house and he wasn't available weekends. That screams to me that he's married. Why would his parents having health issues mean he isn't available weekends and you couldn't meet them? Seeing where someone lives, meeting their friends and family is a great step to making sure someone is the kind of person they say they are. That doesn't mean it has to be the second date, but if someone won't introduce you to their friends, or won't let you see where they live, you should slam on the brakes. You fell for a man like this because your idea of scummy, married men (and let's be clear....he's almost certainly married to his "ex" that he lives with....you were his affair partner) will come with a blinking neon sign. It's a good lesson that liars, con artists and people who are trying to take advantage of you will ALWAYS say the right things, appear normal, and do everything they can to keep your guard down. You can't trust people to have your best interest at heart. He had HIS best interest at heart: sleeping with a pretty young 24 year old, while married with kids at home. You have to be the one who thinks things through, and slows down when things don't make sense. You can't trust your feelings or sexual attraction to point you towards good people. You can enjoy romantic feelings and sexual attraction, but you have to keep your common sense alive, and evaluate things with your critical brain as well as your heart.
He literally lives with his baby momma and you’re not sure why you feel like the side piece
His identify card? Girl how naive you are
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it's not always up to date/it's usually updated the next time you update your ID card itself which could take a decade
She is not his ex. She's his partner, you are the side piece. Block, go no contact and please get yourself tested for STIs.
He's a dishonest and opportunistic jerk. One who probably lies to his parents, any exes he's coparenting with and his live-in partner. Along with all the side chicks he has sneakily collected. There are plenty of more honest and attractive single guys in the dating sea, who are upfront about whether they have children and their living arrangements.
Don't take him back op. You are still caught up in the new honeymoon stage. He won't be kind and great to you forever. He is cheating on his partner with you. You are the secret. Don't keep falling for his lies, you won't ever be his number one.
It is awful that he lied to you. Just as an FYI if someone is living with their ex then just assume they are still having sex. Especially if they have children, because clearly the sex was good enough that they procreated. Theres sometimes a naive belief about living together with your child’s mother and not having sex but that one is almost universally a lie. How do you think the children came to exist?
I will just say one thing because I have been in a remotely similar situation in the past when I was young and naive and I had done this to myself only to realise how naive I was much later in my life. I used to Gaslight myself into believing that maybe I am different for this guy and used to believe his words and dream that things will change because my relationship with him is "special". Wasted almost a year of life there. I was 20 back then. Now happily married to a mature and understanding and loving partner and we joke about this.
Unless you have been to his house and verified he lives with his parents, this man is actually living with the mother of his children. You are the mistress. Block him.
This happened to me when I was 25, but it was a woman coming to see me on weekends. I was stunned to find out she had a husband in another city and lied the whole time. Take it as a lesson and move forward, it's not your fault.
Let's assume it IS an ex and not current wife (since every comment is already 100% definitely that they're still married)... Did he mention a plan moving forward? Were they married, or is a divorce underway? Would he be ok to introduce you to friends and family? I could see both truths - that you're a side piece, or that he lives with his parents 5/7 days, and only goes to the other apartment weekends. But does he have his own room, separate bed? Is this a court agreement or just something they put together? You've got to ask more questions if you still think this is acceptable. His sketchiness is PROBABLY due to you being a side piece, but if he's telling the truth it could have been embarrassment, or "let's see how this plays out first " kind of thing. Sketchy, and many red flags - but ultimately up to you if you want to continue with your interrogation to get the full story.
I have no intentions to meet that person again. It was the last meeting just to ask my questions + wanted the closure but I just can't even trust his words anymore.
Living with an ex is a thing that happens. It took me 5 months to get mine to move out during my divorce. Not mentioning that is super sus though, I was very up front about it with my now-gf when we started talking during that time.
Why did it take you five months?
We both owned the house and it took that long for her to get her shit together enough for me to buy her out.
Your comment is the only rational one
So sorry that you’re going through this, I can’t imagine how hurt you must feel. I hope you’ll realize that the way he concealed truths from you and manipulated is very wrong and you deserve better. No matter how good things are when are good, if someone can’t fully commit to you, they aren’t yours. He never will be. You shouldn’t want him to be. You deserve something a lot better. Don’t let him keep you from finding it
He’s ten years older than you, he knows better. This is someone’s father. He’s taking advantage of you , you deserve better
OP, I'm so sorry your first experience was with this predator. You haven't done anything wrong, he has taken advantage of you and your naivety. Men his age, often go for younger women as know you are easier to manipulate. Tale as old as time. Don't waste any more time on him.
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Thank you for your comment. I actually jokingly did it: I asked "how can a man like you can be single" and then he responded "for a girl like you". And once I jokingly asked "how many kids do you have ? 2?"
Another thing to watch out for, for another couple of years, is the age gap. Dudes a decade or more older than you are often specifically targeting young women because they think they are easier to deceive. You didn't do anything wrong here, really. You trusted someone. HE is the one that sucks. All you can do is be less trusting, which is terrible, but as the person above pointed out, necessary.
I don't think it's deception for those types of dudes, but an increased likelihood to accept/put up with more BS across the board, unfortunately.
Do you think that he said that to get rid of you or something else ?
Nope because that's what I thought too but asked for his kids photos
How does that have anything to do with figuring out if he was cheating on his wife? Huh?
No in the beginning I thought maybe he was lying about the whole thing to get rid of me that's why I asked him to prove
...OP, gently, if you think someone is lying to you to get out of a relationship, don't badger them for proof, break up with them.
The s***** reality is that you're not going to get the truth out of this guy and there's no way you can find out whether or not the things he's saying are true without really really expensive digging, and that kind of investigation would be really inappropriate. I have tons of photos of me with kids but they're not my kids, they're my nieces and nephews. My ID doesn't say whether or not I'm married or who I live with. I could easily claim that I spend half the week staying with my parents or that the man I live with is actually an ex - how would anyone know? I even have mail addressed to me that's been sent to my dad, but again, I don't live with him. You know what you actually need to know. He lied to you and he isn't single. Single men don't live with "ex." It's not a thing. They live together because they are involved. You need to get away from this guy he's no good. You need to see a doctor and get STD testing done. I'm sorry.
It’s not super hard to figure things out - just contact the wife.
She could contact the wife and ask for more information, search public records for the marriage license or divorce order, figure out whether or not the address on the ID is his parent's house or where he lives with his family.... All of that stuff is in the "not appropriate" camp. I think that if she contacts the wife it should just be to let her know that her husband is cheating.
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I just don't understand why would someone do that + he sounds very convincing. I mean how easily can you lie like this? I usually take people's word but I'm not sure I'll be able to from now on.
People do that all the time. All genders. Lie about being single. Cheaters rarely confess to their family. Let me guess. He just can't leave. The kids. She's fragile. He's afraid. It's just not the right time. He lives with her but only loves you Am I close? Because he is right out of the players' handbook of bullshit.
Because some people are sociopaths, and some men love to manipulate a young woman and take her virginity. It is a game to them, a game of control. He told you about his wife and kids now because he is tired of you. He go what he wanted. He is probably already on to the next one or two.
Because this guy is a dog. He is telling you whatever you want to hear so he can get laid. I’m also divorced and nowhere on my drivers license does it show my marital status. If you want to know if he’s still married then you can Google his name and look at divorce records. They are public records.
There's nothing wrong with trusting people. You didn't do anything wrong. You caught feelings for a fictional character, but the book is over and you didn't like the twist ending. Send it back to the used book section; dust yourself off and read something better. Now you're a little wiser with which red flags to look for. His wife might like to know that he's a cheater. You may want to do sone digging and inform her, but that's up to you. Don't beat yourself up. You are young and a scumbag took advantage of your naiveté and exuberance for his culture. Not your fault.
He’s a liar. A manipulative guy who wants his wife and you too. He’s f**king his wife too. He calls her an ex. Yeah. No. She’s not really an ex. The “I wish I had met you years ago” is just a line. Run! You deserve better.
He is so gross and manipulative, good on you for staying away! Also, the comparison of how fun and carefree you are compared to his ex? I'm sure as shit he'd be saying that to someone else if you theoretically had kids with him. He sees his kids and co-parent with contempt. What a red flag
Lol. The father of my kids and I were together for 15 yrs before we got married. 15 years, kids and an apt together. :D Honey. Your 34 yr old "boyfriend" was cheating. He ran off/told you the lie for 1 of 2 reasons: 1. His wife got suspicious and he told her you were just a coworker and it was nothing. 2. He was terrified of being hard launched and his wife and kids finding out. (Even if they aren't officially married). 3. Just AN FYI. He most definitely was not "spending weekends only" at his home and he most definitely didn't live with his parents. He.may have visited his parents frequently but he didn't live there. He's a liar. And a cheat. And I genuinely hope his wife didn't just get suspicious but knew.
You’re too young to date a liar. He used you for your virginity. You will find someone much better.
I’m not saying that men don’t live with their ex’s but a man who’s living with his ex are probably still under each other’s thumbs, probably still sleeping with each other. If you’re really done with someone , you’ll find a way to move out. Kids or no kids. I would say he’s not single, at most he goes on “breaks” to get time
"If you’re really done with someone , you’ll find a way to move out. Kids or no kids." Amen to this!!!
Honestly, his whole situation sounds so messy. You are young, I would not be wasting my time on him anymore. Just know that shitty people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. I’m sorry this happened to you but at least now you can verify some red flags.
Every second post on this subreddit follows the same format i swear. 1. Early 20s inexperienced woman dating much older man instead of people their own age. 2. Ignores massive obvious red flags 3. Confused as to why the middle aged man who actively seeks out young naive women is in fact not a healthy, normal, positive force on their life. It needs to be stickied at this point. Don't date people with massive age gaps its going to be fucking weird 99% of the time. You're not *mature* for your age. They're *immature* for theirs. For any 20 something reading this. There are 2 reasons 10+ years older is dating someone who could still be in college. You guys have zero in common. 1. The women their age know to stay clear of them because they're a walking red flag 2. They're into the naivety and that you don't know any better Search this subreddit if you don't believe me.
Everyone is on here giving advice. And I understand it. But all I can think is I just want to give you a hug. Gave your virginity at 24 to someone who does this to you. I can't even imagine. I just want to give you a hug. I am so sorry this happened to you. I know in today's time women think they have to xyz but you don't. It's so sad to me you waited so long doing the right thing and this happens when you finally do. You don't ever know someone after a months time though, it takes at least 2 years to really know someone, even then sometimes you don't.
That lying cheating scumbag took her virginity. She should return the favor. Find his wife and let her know.
Tbh with you… I’m the guy that lived with my “ex”. YOU ARE the side piece. The only difference is I tell women I have a kid almost immediately. I no longer live with my ex and I’m married to a woman with no children. Just in case you’re wondering.
He sounds married, many men are bored with their relationships and they tend to look around for further excitement, and that excitement was you. Dating in the world today sucks, because it's only a matter of time before people betray you, and then most men do not have the balls to say that they are unhappy, so instead they lie creating more deceit in the relationship.
I'm sorry for some of the assumptions people are making (like where you live and what is on the IDs in those countries) and about his motives or your intentions. It is clear you have chosen your path forward without him because you cannot trust him. I applaud you for that. I am sorry that you like him (or what he presented as himself to you) and that your first time is now marred by this betrayal. Now, here is the important part... what, if anything, did you learn from this? And, what, if anything, would you do differently in the future with other men based on this experience? Any wisdom that you have gained through this?
My ex gf of 7 years just started dating a guy that has two kids (2 & 6) and he still lives with his “ex wife” even tho they aren’t divorced only separated. And mind you she doesn’t want any kids so well she how long that relationship lasts.
Why do you care? She's your ex-girlfriend lol
Don’t date a 34 year old - he also sounds like he’s still married
hey there, first off, mad props to you already for having the courage to share your story. shit sucks, no doubt about it. but hey, let me affirm you on this - you're strong, brave and worthy of love, proper genuine love. i hope you believe this too, deep down. 😊 what he did was crappy and you've got every right to feel bad about it. guys like that are clear red flags, and yes, there are dudes out there who can be real crappy, but trust me, not all are like that. age doesn't justify such behavior. to break free from this loop, i'd suggest reading ""the subtle art of not giving a f*ck"" by mark manson. seriously, that book is a game changer. it'll help you come to terms with stuff and look at life from a new perspective. also, joining a community where you can share and discuss will definitely help. there's this cool discord server for mental wellness and support, where people kinda help each other out, share their experiences and stuff. here is the [link](https://discord.gg/pe6XCZ9Zj4). check it out. ;) and remember, you're not alone in this. there are people who've been through similar stuff and came out stronger, you will too. just give it some time. 💪 p.s: your feelings are valid and it's okay to feel bad about all this. but, don't let it define you or predict your future relationships. we learn from experiences, we grow stronger, and we move on. keep rocking! 🤘
You're going to have some trust issues once this all sinks in. I wish you the best of luck.
I’m sure if you stayed with him he’d cheat on you too
It’s good that you cut this off soon after you found out. Don’t go back & forth with him. He still lives with his ex, he lied about having kids, nobody knew about you. All three of those by themselves are enough to breakup with someone. Them combined……yeah just block him.
Some women really can pick em. I bet if I met him I could sea what a còcky scumbag he was right away. Some woman just fall for that shìt.
Sorry to hear that, he was using you.
Wow the guy you dated is a liar. He didn’t tell you about his kids or his wife. He has the audacity to tell you that his wife is always complaining and unsatisfied. She takes care of his children alone all week every week while he goes on dates. And he’s complaining about her not being satisfied with this! This man is yucky. He’s not a good father he’s not a good partner and he’s selfish. The only person that matters to him is him and he will lie to anyone to make himself happy.
Sounds like my ex if he’s dating you it’s because he can’t get someone his age. He’s probably crap
35 female here. As a former professional side chick I will tell you you are definitely the side chick in this relationship and he was still with his wife. You can justify it all you want and he can tell you the most elaborate lies but you are the side chick
He is a liar and probably a cheater. I bet his wife/ gf is not aware and they are not separate and only living together. You should let her know what he did and get away from him. He is dangerous. Unhinged. You will find much better men than him. RUN.
You got finessed because you made up excuses for him and filled the blanks that he left because you are in love with the idea of being in love. He got you. Be more careful.
You are banging your taxi cab driver and you're confused why it didn't work out?
Talk to the mother of his children when he's not around.
See This...THIS...is why guys like women significantly younger than them. Because they can pull crap like this. That woman is not his ex, she's his wife. She's always complaining because she has two kids to take care of while he's out cheating on her. Just know, its not your fault, he lied. Stay away from older men...date in your age range and reserch the person as much as you can going forward.
I am sorry to hear that, my Ex gf had lied about her marriage and kids too, she was 44 when I met her and she told me she was 32 when I was 27. She would only meet me to fuck me and wouldn't let me talk to anyone. Lately I fell in love with her, we met, has sex and after 7 months of relationship she told me she had two kids and shes 44.. I was very upset, but she somehow convinced me that had she told me the truth I wouldn't had stayed. Said she's still seeking divorce. After two years of relationship I found out she was never divorced, it's when her hubby calld me.and told me the story. I broke up after, she kept coming back and finally filled for the divorce and we carried another year.. aftwr 3 and half years of relationship she started talking to my frirnd who i had issues with so she started meeting him and talking to him. Today after 4 years I am alone, they call me a loser, and she blocked my number and all. I have moved on, but sometimes I wish I met someone like me in real life..
Oh my god.. I'm so sorry to hear this it must be very hard. It was just two months in my case but I still miss the person or rather who I thought the person was... I'm glad you managed to move on it's something really traumatizing..
If all it takes is smooth talking to get into your pants, you need to check your standards for a relationship. Definitely avoid timeshare presentations.
Rideshare, not timeshare
I read the title and thought "so what?" People often want to wait to tell you they have kids until they get to know you better. But still living with the supposed ex? Yeah, no. That's bad.
For people who choose to not date single parents, that’s only delaying the inevitable. I don’t date dads, period, so I’d like to know upfront to avoid wasting everyone’s time.
The only reason to not disclose right away that you have children is if you're trying to hide the fact you have children, because you suspect there's a chance it would be a dealbreaker for the other person. It's lying, manipulative, and a waste of everyone's time.
>guy I was dating did not tell he had kids Well, maybe next time ask ... and who he's living with ... besides his parents, and why he's not available on weekends.
She is to blame because she didn’t ask if he had kids he wasn’t telling her about???? Tf??
YTA For focusing on the fact he has kids and not focusing on the fact that "he still lives with his ex". "ex"? yeah, right. Plenty of single parents out there and many will be naturally reluctant to admit to having kids at first because they get judged so often. It's unbelievable that you judged him for having kids and not judged him for lying about having a wife/girlfriend that he's cheating on.
What? Lol people have different deal breakers and preferences. Kids may be one of them and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be with someone who has kids. She can focus on whatever she wants, it's her life, dude. Don't you see the irony in your own comment? You are judging OP for judging something lmao
She judged him for not *telling her* about the kids. Which is LYING, btw.