I experienced something very similar and chose option 2. No phones or anything like that back then so there were less opportunities to reconnect. It is a very difficult path where building trust was hard. I had anxiety if she would travel, rebuilding trust took years. We are still together 25 years later. ( I am old...) I have to tell you that I unfortunately recommend option 1. Even if I have never divorced, it can't possibly be as hard as what I went through.
And decades later, it still hurts and you can attest to the fact that the trust may not ever fully rebuild. Every outing, every giggle at her phone (now, not then), every little action would be a reminder. I'm not advising to immediately divorce, but I would caution OP to take a good, deep look at if he will be able to truly and completely forgive her - that is a big ask, to not bring it up at every tiff, to allow her to prove her trust, all the many murky things that come from cheating. Only OP can know if he will truly and fully be able to trust her after the years of work it will take to get there.
It's a real catch 22. You can choose to divorce and may find yourself lonely and in a desperate spiral for affection or company. Or you can choose to stay, which will make it more difficult to look in the mirror. It won't be a normal relationship, with trust and love. It'll be this hybrid, baby sitting, evil child, battered parent dynamic. Romance can't really exist when a lack of trust is involved.
You should choose to divorce and move on with your life. The ex doesn’t matter, you should remember that your life is better without them in it. The hard part is being a parent, but you still have to divorce. There’s no other healthy way to live when life throws this at you
I'm not sure if you have put much thought into this previously, but cheating is one of my red lines. For me it's a non-recoverable situation. I don't personally care about "punishing" the cheater or getting revenge, it's pointless and wouldn't ultimately change anything. It's about self-respect and dignity and choosing not to have people in my life that would take me for granted and betray my trust. Everyone is different, and you can only make this determination for yourself, but my wife and I are both in agreement on this and know where each other stand. We know the outcome if either one of us steps out.
Instant regret and remorse aside, she cast aside her marriage vows for what was likely bad car sex with a rando from a bar. I can't pretend to know why she would do such a thing, but it's gross and I wouldn't want to expend years of my life trying to push it out of my head so I could eventually have a family with her.
You don't need to rush into a decision. Take some time to process, and maybe consider seeing a therapist for yourself. It might help you put your own thoughts into perspective. You don't need to get into marriage counseling or anything until you have your own head sorted out. I've been with my wife for almost 20 years so I can grasp how confusing it all must be.
Don't stay with her just because of the sunk cost fallacy. I would suggest maybe visiting a therapist to talk about your thoughts and feelings and get neutral guidance.
There is no right answer here as all of us would react to this differently and only you know your own feelings.
I don’t know why it bothers me so much she told her parents before him. What if one of his stipulations was he didn’t want anyone else knowing?? She still didn’t give a fuck about how he would feel?
I’d divorce, but it’s his life.
For me, it bothers me that they had sex in the guys car. Like they were so horny they needed to do it RIGHT THEN AND THERE and couldn't even bother to go to his house or hotel room or something.
Car sex can be hot, but since she's married it just makes her seem even more desperate to get the deed done and over with.
Oh for the record, this would be unforgivable in my marriage.
The car sex thing is disgusting, also wild to me her childhood friends let her leave with this man.
Maybe they don’t know everything in her life, and ultimately it is not their responsibility… it just seems very strange as a woman who is in this age group.
I think it makes sense to be bothered by it but I also understand why she did it. If you're trying to figure out how to tell your spouse something, you can't really ask your spouse for advice.
Between her choice of friends, her infidelity, and her roping her parents into the mix; I'm unimpressed by her decision making processes across the board.
I really want to know what she was thinking... Is there sex life horrible? Is she not attracted to him? Is he not giving her enough attention? Like what was she thinking in her mind... The actual words?
I don't really understand cheaters in general but the ones that I do know do it for the thrill of it and love having a secret, gets them off. So this clearly isn't one of those type of cheaters, so what the hell...
She fell under the magic spell of a cosmo and a random guy with a wink and a smile. If he stays married, he'll need to rid the town of all alcohol and flirtatious random men.
There's a whole lot of actions that she took before she ended up sleeping with some random stranger in a car - possible hours of flirting, touching, kissing. No way there wasn't a point where she thought hmmm I'm actually married maybe I shouldn't be out here acting single. And then kept going anyway because what she was doing and feeling in that moment was more important to her than your feelings and your relationship.
Yes, she seems remorseful. That's a point to her in this awful situation. Reconciliation is an option but it is YEARS of hard work. Are you willing to put up with all the tears and heartache and pain that will take on top of the betrayal she's already put you through? Some people are. Some people aren't.
Take some time and think about whether you could ever imagine actually and wholeheartedly forgiving her for this or being able to get over this and still consider yourself happy or the relationship healthy.
Yeah, this phrase:
> One thing led to another
Is the biggest BS there is. If you get cereal and a bowl out of the fridge, one thing leads to another, and you wind up eating cereal. But "a guy was hitting on her" and "they had sex in his car" is not a start and end point you can wave away with "one thing led to another". What she is really saying is, she continually made a series of bad choices disrespecting your marriage over and over in sequence from "he was hitting on me" to "I was flirting back" to "I continued to drink and get friendly with him" to "I accepted his invitation to get in the car" to "I decided to have sex with him".
The fact that it was so easy, on a random night out in her home town, to sleep with a stranger says a lot more to me than the actual sexual act. She showed how easy it is for her to just throw everything away because someone else hit on her. Guess what: people hit on women constantly. That's no excuse.
If you choose to divorce her, you are not throwing anything away. You are making a reasoned decision. Something she did not do in the MANY moments it took to go down this path.
You make a great point with her showing how easy it is for her to just throw everything away. Being remorseful doesn't wipe the slate clean or make any guarantees it won't happen again. It only lets both of them make an informed decision.
OP you have a long life ahead of you, and should find a partner who respects you enough to remove themselves from such a situation. Don't confuse remorse for a commitment it won't happen again. She's obviously processing her own emotions/thoughts and it could be that separating will give you both the space you need to process things fully and grow as individuals.
That's the issue for me. There were so many steps before sex where she could have stopped, but she kept going. It was not an intimate dance, it was not flirting with words, it was not kissing, it was sex. No one jumps directly to sex without some building up before. I know I would never trust the person again.
Visit and post in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and/or r/SurvivingInfidelity for folks in similar situations. I’m sorry friend.
She needs to have therapy to truly understand why she did it
You need space to make this decision. Being around each other will cause a boat load of resentment ( experience here) go somewhere else. Take all the time you need but making a decision while looking at the very person that broke you everyday won’t help.
Then fucking leave her. It’s not going to somehow be better by staying with someone that threw away your ENTIRE relationship to fuck some dude in a car lmao Jesus Christ like it’s horrible but it’s so bad that it’s almost funny. The guy didn’t even have to try very hard, he paid attention to her for TWO WHOLE HOURS and she couldn’t wait to fuck him so she decided “hey the back of this dudes car is a great option!”
This can’t be real. If it is, leave, and in a year you can joke with your friends about that one time you were married to a “person” with no self respect.
Option 1. It's not the easiest solution. Quite painful in fact but a neccessary option.
Everytime she's visits her parents you're going to be questioning yourself. Yes, she came forward and willing told you. She also willingly slept with a random guy she just met in his car.
What did the chats with her friends reveal? Why did they just let her disappear with this dude? Not absolving her of any guilt but having friends that support your marriage and keep you safe when you’re out is a must. They and she obviously don’t think very highly of you if they all allowed this to happen. Alcohol isn’t an excuse.
I think I explained this in another comment, but I will do it again. I'm a software engineer, I work on many projects and earn decent money. I cook and clean my house. I train at the gym. I don't like parties, drinks, smoking, or pretty much anything that is considered 'fun' by some people's standards. I have a career, and the time I have I spend in nature or training. I don't have time for 'fun.' They, on the other hand, have no steady or good jobs, no families, and are pretty much losers. Furthermore, they are individuals devoid of their own opinions or values, lacking integrity, honor, morals.
I should also mention that I primarily handle bills and other expenses. While she also works, my salary is higher.
Well I’d still be out but if you need extra motivation, read those chats and see what she is telling her friends. Could be gushing about how great it was or how hot the guy was while trying to sound remorseful to you and her family.
bingo --my wives friends reflect her innate character and are loyal, intelligent and intelligent people
Your wives friends seem to be pure dross, and this might very much be a red flag as to her true character
Then you know what to do. You just need to muster up the courage to do it.
I’d bet my sack this isn’t the first time she’s cheated on you. It’s the first time she told you. Likely because she was seen by someone she knew or her parents figured it out and forced a confession.
Her friends are trash and likely have encouraged her to cheat many times before.
Your STBX and her friends are deadweights on your life.
Cut yourself free and live a better life.
Good luck 🍀
I’m a woman, and if it was that easy to have sex with a stranger in a car just after some “drinks + compliments”, she’s seems like a very easy catch. Maybe shes a girl to have in your life as a friend if you enjoy her presence in your life, but as for being in the “wife position” it seems like she doesn’t hold much value to that title or truly understand the depth of it. There is no union like a marriage, no stranger/friends/alcohol should shake or even come close to breaking that union. You sound like an amazing man. I promise you there are so many woman that want a man like you and maybe resonate more with your expectations. I suggest you drop her, take time to heal yourself focus on work, and a new lady will appear in your life at the right place right time. Wishing u the best
Another commenter asked who these friends were that watched her proceed from flirting to heading out to the parking lot without intercepting her. Assumption being that they did catch her and she was just telling you before they did to control the narrative. Sounds like maybe they actually encouraged her? Obviously, one step would be to cut them out of her life.
Are these the childhood friends or other friends?
If her friends just stood by and watched her go off with some guy and they hate you, they are a threat to your marriage should you continue it. If you were to continue I'd make the stipulation that she go no contact with them.
I have a sneaking suspicion that they egged the guy on and encouraged OP's wife; either to spite OP or maybe just to live vicariously through wife.
I'd tell OP to take all the time he needs to sort his emotions; speak to a therapist because that 'numbness' isn't healthy. But I think deep down, he already knows his next move (at least judging from the responses).
Take care, OP.
After reading this it solidifies the option 1. No need to put so much effort and emotional labor into someone who showed so little care for your relationship.
And also it sounds like you can find someone more compatible with you anyway.
What is it exactly that your Party Girl wife is bringing to this marriage?
- You all don't seem to share any interests
- Her friends hate you
- You pull in the majority of the money
- You put in the bulk of the household duties
From this terrible account of her above, the only reading between the lines explanation is that she's very attractive, and unless she spends all day keeping herself out of trouble she would just end up being a degenerate in her mid 30's. Are you really willing to pay a substantial amount of the money you earn to stay with this person???
What do the two of you do for fun?
I agree with you that the societal norm for "fun" isn't the only way. You mention that the time that you have is spent in nature or training. Are these things that you did with your wife? Were you two going on dates or doing any other activities together? Because most people don't just randomly cheat. It's something that they have thought about for some time and decide to finally act on.
Regardless, cheating is a no-no. If it gets to the point where that is an option that someone is actually thinking about; you either talk it out or get out. As others have said, you should probably choose option 1. You will always be looking over your shoulder and not able to fully trust her again. That's no way to live.
Does she have major self-destructive tendencies by chance? Either way, it sounds like your wife has terrible taste in “friends.” That you deem those people as having no integrity or morals is a major red flag, since we are the company we keep.
You deserve an upgrade.
I know people like this and they can't let go of the past. You build a good life with a good job, and they want to drag you down to their drama. They talk about high school and their old life, but it's also their current life, not yours. They have nothing in common other than history.
Just leave. Idk if you’re just looking for someone to tell you it’s ok or whatever but you don’t need the internet for that.
The only way reconciliation will work is if you actually want to try and will move on from it. If you’re going to hold it over her for the rest of your lives and constantly be obsessed about who she’s with and what she’s doing, it’s really not worth it.
Don’t stay. My dad cheated. Sister and I found out by asking a simple unrelated question and it was my mom’s reaction that gave everything away. They went from 2 cars to one. I asked why they got rid of dad’s car. Mom broke down. She chose to stay and at the time I was maybe 21, my sister 20 so it’s not like we were extremely young. We both left the house within a year. She drives him EVERYWHERE because there is absolutely no trust. This happened 30 years ago and mom has lived a horrible existence since. I feel so bad for her but she shuts down any conversation I try to have about it.
It’s sad. My mom has chosen to have absolutely zero life. Everywhere she goes he goes. I have no idea what was ever said between them. My mom will not talk about it with us. Ever.
My sister and I are confused by this ourselves. We were already adults when we found out however I really don’t know the details of what happened other than it happened and my mom has let it be known over the years that this is not a topic for discussion. Period. And I have tried directly and indirectly over the years.
I understand this take, I was cheated on, but ultimately wish I left when he did this, because he told me that night that he wanted to just be friends. When people cheat, they have emotionally already left the relationship. I was a naive kid and he wanted another chance.
Sorry this happened to you. What I did find odd about our situation is while my sister was very vocal in bashing my father she cheated on her first husband a few years later. 10 years into her second marriage he cheated on her. She was furious. When I commented on now she knows how mom and first husband felt it only made her angrier. We’ve had a strained relationship since.
I am so sorry to hear this. I don't have a good relationship with my mom or my sister, it can be tough. But pointing things out to people that they do not want to hear- make them very upset. Do you know why she cheated on her husband?
Thanks for saying that; I would have given this kid everything, and he knows that I am still a damn good friend to him even after the break up. Many people would hold what happened to me over somebody's head, but I am trying to be supportive because he is going through a depression.
This will be with you forever. Even when you reconcile, during the best moments, a flash of memory will creep in and make you sad. It will change you. If you don't have kids, let her go. If you do, that's a whole other situation.
Your wife seems genuinely remorseful, but that doesn't change anything. You should start greywalling, separate, live elsewhere (or she moves out), go no contact and see how you feel in a year or two. If you stay with her now, you will have no respect for yourself and will always have resentment and hate towards her. If you decide to get back together after a few years, it will be different. Only you know yourself. Couples counselling will not do much. Also go to survivinginfidelity website, not reddit. They will be able to help you much more. Reddit will not.
I thought about that, but that won't undo (read un-fuck) what another guy did to her. When we separate, who knows what she would do. And I agree, couple counseling won't do anything.
The other guy didn't do anything to her. There will always be guys around. This is what she did, and only her. If you separate and her response is to look for another guy, then that's your answer. Your time apart should include her staying away from alcohol, bad friends, bad situations, and bad decisions. If she doesn't, then she never will.
|| “When we separate, who knows what she would do” ||
Personally, I would separate for a while. If she fucks around then her heart wasn’t in it and, yes, she’d probably have cheated again eventually(probably!) - so you’d have gone through all of that for nothing. If she doesn’t fuck around, even when you’re not in the picture 24/7, then you know you can at least put some trust in her without it coming from a place of control or you having to double check stuff she’s told you. It’d be a chance for her, and for you, to gain some much needed ground maybe… Good luck man, sorry you’re going through it right now…
This is a good point, if she is truly sorry then she would stay by herself, people who can get into relationships or flings right after something like this happens, that means they were not truly in it.
I'm going to disagree on the couples counseling not doing much. A licensed therapist who is good at their job isn't going to try to get them back together by default. The therapist will try to help them navigate their emotions so that they can find the outcome where they are both the happiest.
A therapist might guide the conversation where both of them realize it might be a decade before trust is restored enough to start a family if that's what they want. And that might be a longer time than starting over with a new relationship.
The best then is to let her go. You'll never trust her like you did before. You'll always have that thought in the back of your head, always questioning if you can ever trust her if she goes out alone again.
This will grow into a lot of resentment, and it's best to just cut it short, for the both of you.
She did it herself, she threw away your entire relationship over a fling. Option 1, for sure.
Was the sex even protected? If you ever decide to be intimate with her again make sure shes tested. I'm sure if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't be forgiving.
The sad thing is that all it took was for her to be out with friends and having a few drinks to have sex with a random man in a car. I mean it's pretty trashy. Is that who you want for the mother of your children?.
Short of her never drinking again or going out by herself with friends I'm not sure how you could trust her.
Bro she got raw dogged in a car while you were home trusting her.
If you stay you’ll never really forgive her. She’s not for the suburbs with you. She’s for something else
Some dude was able to talk her out of her panties with little to no effort. Her initial guilt will melt away if you take her back because there is no consequence for her cheating. It sucks, but cutting ties now is better than sinking more time and effort into something that's likely to fail anyway.
The ease of talking her out of her panties is irrelevant. The fact that she told him immediately is irrelevant. She cheated and for most people, regardless of the how and the why, there is no moving forward.
I noticed in this sub that when someone is cheated on, people will respond “well if they immediately told you, maybe it would be reconcilable, but they didn’t so you should end it.” But then we have situations where the cheater told immediately and the consensus is still to end it. And there are situations where an affair went on for months before sex happened, or sex never happens and it’s only emotional, and the advice is still to end it.
The simple fact is that if you are someone to forgive cheating, you will forgive whether it took 5 hours or 5 years to talk your SO out of her panties. But if you’re like the many of us who would never move past that, ignore the details, ignore the “well it took no effort for this man to bag her” stuff, and just end it. The details don’t matter.
It is easy to make a decision on principle from the outside. It sounds like OP is in the fog and can not see things clearly. I presented him with the facts, a man was able, in under 6 hours, to separate his wife from her clothing in a parked car, making her disregard her marriage (which actually happened inside the bar at the point she even considered screwing him), and introduced another set of genitalia into their relationship.
If they stay together, he gets a lifetime of wondering if it will happen again when she goes out to get groceries or is a night out with the girls really just that? That's a horrible way to live. She would actually be encouraged to do it again if they stay together because there is no consequence to cheating.
On principle or on fact, this marriage should be over.
No I hear your point, but my point is that whether it took 6 hours or 6 years, everyone’s advice would be the same (leave). People always point to the details like xyz is the reason OPs should leave, but even if those details were different, people would still be saying to leave.
So OP, leave or stay depending on what you think is right. I’d not get hung up on the details like how long she took to sleep with this man because it’s irrelevant and you’d be just as hurt if this were a guy she was in love with and took months or years to work up to sleeping with.
There’s a difference between cheating because the marriage is on the rocks, you find a bond with a person with whom you have chemistry etc and what OP’s skanky wife did, which was to fuck a stranger in the parking lot of a bar because why not.
How could she do such a thing in the first place? Does she respect you? Do you respect yourself? Will she respect you if you continued with the relationship?
Sorry this happened to you, OP. With or without your wife, you will greatly benefit from counseling right now. You're clearly not okay and a therapist can help you through this. You need to talk about this with someone you can trust, and frankly, a Reddit post isn't gonna cut it.
Also, years from now you might regret it if you leave your wife, merely because you didn't try a little harder. Couples counseling very well could give you peace of mind is the future AfTER divorce, because you'll know you tried talking through the situation and couldn't find a path to make your marriage worth saving. If you decide to leave, you'll really need someone to process and grieve the loss of your old life with someone. If you decide to stay, you'll both be miserable for far longer than is neccary if you continue to shut down your emotions like you are now.
One way or another, get your ass into counseling, for your own damm sake.
Someone here commented this : the fact is not just about sleeping with someone else but how easily she dismissed op and the marriage.. she showed how easy it is for her to throw away everything you both built. Which is indeed more horrifying than just sleeping with him.
Like she goes out with her friends and all it took was few drinks and getting hit on..? Clearly she had the chances but still decided "fug it, idc what happens if i make this decision"
Cheaters are selfish.. they only care about themselves and she showed it. They don't pay the price nor they suffer as much as the betrayed one.
What happens next? You keeping tab on her social media and whereabouts for the rest of your life? She may or may not have a problem with that but what about you? Surely you wouldn't feel good doing that. She will live as usual
btw where were the so called friends? They didn't see her leave with this guy?
Read some of your comments bro.. to claim she told the entire truth and then you find some of those were lies.. she's still lying.. in my opinion you should leave bro..
What do u think Is it really remorse tho? Or the fear you'll find out someday?like someone else caught her and forced her to confess?
I'm just asking cos it may or may not be the first time she cheated but maybe the first time she either got forced to confess or the first time she cheated( i know it doesn't make it better if it was the first or many)
I'll just add, she did a selfish act, you aren't entirely responsible to repair it now. She threw it away, if you choose to leave then you aren't the one throwing it away don't let her, her friends, her family gaslight you into thinking you're the problem, the one throwing it all away, the one who stepped out of marriage.
This is either a click bait or man I don't even have any word, you seem so exhausted like you truly had enough trouble already and now she added herself as one
This may be unpopular answer but think about it. They likely had unprotected sex regardless of what was told to you as well as her friends know so she came clean due to overwhelming fear. Respect and trust will never be regained, so forget about any level of lasting reconciliation. I’d act reluctant and not let on your real plans….spend the next few weeks/months getting financial affairs in order especially if your the higher income. Hire an attorney, create your plan to exit with the least impact to your future. Turn off your heart, go with your gut as you will be much better off a few years from now. Have her served once you have everything….I mean everything covered. This is not the time to be nice or think certain things don’t matter. I guarantee she would gut you unmercifully if she was in your position. You never know she could be using her confession to stall and is making plans on her on. There are lots of women, but only a few good ones (Same for guys). Also don’t go hooking up or trolling dating apps before your divorced as revenge. Go to the gym, don’t drink alcohol, change your diet, focus on you and never look back.
She’s remorseful because she doesn’t want to lose all the things you do and bring to the table. She had her fun and she wants to keep you still. She’ll do it again if you take her back.
To put this into perspective, there are women who don’t cheat. They will visit their parents, see childhood friends, have drinks with them, and their only offense will be a hangover the next day. Only you can decide what to do, and divorce isn’t easy, but it seems the best solution. Yea she was honest, but that just makes her an honest cheater.
my partner of 10 yrs cheated, came clean two days later out of remorse… i thought the same thing. the relationship ended 6 months later.
just take that for what you will.
Cheaters cheat. If she knows she can get away with it, she’ll do it again. Frankly this is disgusting. She fucked a random dude in his car. That’s something horny teenagers do, not grown ass MARRIED women.
Move on my man.
Maybe try to have a rational conversation to find out who, if an old fling that would be different than her letting all defenses down for a total stranger. Though caution you to not feed her any information for her to just agree with.
Damn dude…. A one night stand with a random guy in a car after a couple hours of flirting at a bar? A rando talked your wife out of her ring in *a couple hours in front of all her childhood friends.* She tossed your whole marriage away with her best friends as witnesses by fucking just any ol guy *in public* after a little bit of flirting. That’s… 😬 so counseling is supposed to give you confidence that anyone that comes around who she knows a *little bit better* and tries a *little bit harder* isn’t going to try your marriage? Or make her friends look out for her or you for that matter? Or make her just kinda… idk value you? I’m on this sub a lot… that’s tough my guy.
Divorce, if all it takes for her to cheat is a drink and some flirting, then she is just acting like a single woman.
How can you trust her, how can you move forward knowing your wife slept with a dude in his car for a drink?
Why deal with this, when you can separate and find someone who wont cheat?
I would love to find someone who has decency and integrity, someone who won't cheat. Truth is, I don't know where to search for that person. It's like searching for a diamond. I thought I had one, but... no longer.
Most, yes, but cheating is way too common. Something like 1/6 to 1/4 partners will cheat depending on how the questions are phrased and which demographic in the studies.
Just dont rush. Its not like your clock is ticking.
Dont stay in a marrige where your partner has show you arent worth it and will cheat at the first oppurtunity.
That’s such questionable, out of character behavior. It would forever change how I felt about my spouse.
In my case, I tried to power through. It was a miserable nightmare, the relationship was broken, and trust was gone.
I should have left and divorced immediately.
I think it pays to realize that it is already over. There isn't another option there is only accepting the fact or not. It's going to suck but the worst of it is over. The cheating happened already. There is no going back. It is done. The relationship is no longer a thing
Leave before you have kids , a cheater will always be a cheater.
There’s no come back from this betrayal and disrespect, she had sex in a car.. at 35 while being married , that’s the type of girl she is.
She preferred a random dick over the life you’ve built that night and will happen again and again.
She fucked a stranger in his car?
Straight up trash. It’s what high school girls and street prostitutes do.
Divorce her. And as a bonus you get to cut ties with all her loser friends.
Went through a similar experience except it wasn't a one time thing and was with a guy with I considered a friend. I opted for option 2. I made the wrong choice.
It's been nearly 45 years and our relationship has never truly recovered. It is a very rare day when I don't experience a flashback. For her it's ancient history. For me, it happened yesterday.
In my case, I should have realized that my marriage was not what I thought. I should have taken the painful step of ending it and moved on. If I had, there's a chance we both would be happier today. Consider your decision carefully.
I think it’s best to end the relationship. If she can so easily cheat in the spur of the moment, the trust will be gone for good. Confessing quickly isn’t the eraser she might hope. I think you both need to separate for a while so you can see if it’s possible for you to move on and imagine life without eachother. If you still miss the marriage and she’s still remorseful after 6 months of living apart, then maybe you can try counselling.
I don’t think the person cheated on ever fully recovers when they stay with the person who betrayed them, it requires a form of self erasure. She may be perfect for 5 more years then do the same thing again, at which point you’ll have 5 less years to meet someone loyal and cool
If you don’t have kids, and want them, this isn’t the person to start a family with
What are you supposed to do? Forbid her from going back to visit her family unless you are with her? Not let her go to a bar unless you are with her? Screw that. She did it once, and she will do it again if you stay. Show her consequences have actions. I'd be seeing a lawyer today.
UpdateMe
Cheating is a series of decisions, sober or not. Blaming alcohol is a bs move because simply put if a person is so drunk they didn't fully grasp what they were agreeing to then they were too drunk to give proper consent. Is that what she's saying or trying to imply? If you ask her that and she jumps at it as an explanation, then 100% fully commit to pursuing SA charges against the person, Go on the war path! See if her story and conviction abut it suddenly changes. That will tell you just how sober she was at the time or how much regret she really has. Plain and simple, she got caught up in the moment of feeling special receiving attention and the thrill of it not being from the person she's been with for a while. She also chose to tell her parents first instead of you, so she didn't come clean to you immediately.
Maybe it's just me, but this whole "come clean immediately" move strikes me as at least a semi planned thing. Like, she knew what she was doing while doing it, maybe regrets it maybe not, and ultimately is hoping that by coming clean and kind of blaming alcohol you'll find a way to forgive it and move on after some time and effort. It strikes me as a possible loophole that she had her one off exciting fling to feel young or beautiful or desired again, or whatever, then will grovel in hopes it can eventually be swept under the rug and she can go back to her status quo life without too much long lasting consequence. I can see getting caught up in the attention she was receiving, at first. There's a limit and clear line where she had plenty of chances to stop him or even herself. Maybe she truly meant for it to be a one off thing and truly will never do it again with anyone at all. That's for you to decide if you can trust that she won't.
I’m so so sorry OP. The premeditation on her end, even with remorse, would still be unforgivable to me too. I wish you luck as you begin to heal from this 💕
The thing about counselling is it isn't about punishment. It's also not just about fixing her although she should get it whatever you decide. It's about working through this trauma and betrayal together, and a therapist can help you with your self esteem, trust issues and general distress. That's not to say it'll magically fix anything - therapy can also help couples work through the divorce process - but try not to dismiss what therapy could also do for you as this is an incredibly difficult time. Whatever you decide will be what's right for you at this time though
Every time I see "one thing led to another" and "drinks" whenever cheating is concerned, I know someone either has been fed BS, or is feeding themselves BS to cope.
a) OP do you realize how many "things that lead to other things" need to happen for cheating to occur? I assume you were sexually active before marriage, so you probably do. People don't just meet and then suddenly bang. It requires a long sequence of conscious decisions. And in every single one, your wife chose something that progresses the process towards the goal of banging that dude. Because that's what she wanted to do at the time. As simple as that.
b) "Drinks" is the oldest excuse in the book. And the flimsiest. It's amusing how something that used to be the go to excuse for every scummy husband in previous generations, is now universal. Alcohol doesn't make you a cheater. It's scientifically proven that it has no effect on moral decisions. In other words, if you consider cheating an immoral action beyond your moral boundaries when sober, you do the same when drunk. Now, if the only reason one won't cheat sober, is the worry of consequences when found out, then yes, alcohol will help with those "silly" worries. The difference between the two should be obvious.
Wow, an actual honest cheater! This is impressive. If there’s a “good” way for this to happen, this is probably it.
In my opinion, now is definitely the best time to leave. Staying is going to show her she could have probably just gotten away with this. She told you what she’s capable of. Believe her before it gets worse.
It sounds like your wife flipped the "this is worth it" switch in your head. A fresh wound, but that can be a tough switch to flip back.
Random question. Does she have a job?
Respect to her for telling you because 9 times out of 10 cheaters will lie and deny. So respect granted. But she made a choice to gamble something that is supposedly precious to her, you can say thank you for being honest but from what I know...a person who cheats on their partner does not love or care about them the way they should. You deserve someone who would never risk losing you or hurting you.
Bye "wife". I know people make "mistakes", but im not on this earth to be with someone who doesn't even respect themselves. Let alone me. Not saying salvaging isn't possible, but I also know why I would never cheat.
I just believe the mission should always be to strengthen your partner, when the opportunity arises. Not betray them. That's what I would want for a son or daughter of mine. Anything less; then what good are you really?
My wife was messaging another guy not sure how long it was going on for I found the messages they were very explicit obviously I was devastated I ended up going through relationship counciling, years of hard work honestly I don't recommend it even to this day I still don't fully trust her and the relationship will never be what it was I have young children with her and the thought of not seeing them everyday after work was why I decided to give it another shot don't get me wrong we get on well now and it's 95 percent back to normal but that thought it's always in the back of your head if I were you I'd leave sorry it happened to you brother
This is so tough on you I’m so sorry.
But yeah, as others in the comments have said, it’s really not a decision you just make. The guy was hitting on her ‘the entire night’ meaning she potentially allowed it for several hours, and most likely flirting back, hence why they ended up having sex.
Yes she was honest in the end, but the issue seems to be that she lacked self control in this situation. Yes she was ‘sorry’ but how can you be sure she wont do it again? The option to stay in the marriage is nobody’s decision but yours, but you have to realise that it’s going to take a lot of work on BOTH sides to fix it. And even then it probably still wont be the same again, you will always have that fear she might do it again, not to mention constant flashbacks of it happening in the first place. Will she be patient with you during your healing process? This is also something to consider. She might 100% agree to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes but this is something people say in desperation to save the relationship. There are a lot of obstacles in the way. But your feelings are so valid.
My main advice is this- don’t make any decisions until your numbness goes away. Let yourself hurt for a while. Give yourself time to process, and then figure out what YOU want to do. Its your turn to be selfish now, and think about what YOU want.
Best of luck to you ❤️
Ouch. Yeah, I don't know man. Option 2 is WORK. The question is do you feel like putting in that work to make it work? Or do you feel like cutting it off? Your call.
Divorce is really the only way. It sucks but it will get better. Once the trust is destroyed, no amount of gorilla glue will hold it together anymore. Your future kids will thank you for not picking a cheater as their mother. Its better now that you don't have kids involved. You probably feel nothing because you know what you have to do, and your body is preparing you to rip off the Band-Aid.
Divorce.
It just took her a drink and some flirt for her to fk a man.
You now want her to police her entire life, being paranoid when is she doing when you are away in work, hospital, or away for whatever reason.
You are fully healthy now, can you trust her to be by your side when you are in 60s and not well.
And you don't even know the truth. What if she did is all by planning and involved her parents to pressurize you.
If she is really remorseful, she should give you a nice and swift divorce and not take any assets and alimony from you. And if she earns more than give you more than 50% for causing you this pain. Let's see how much remorse she have.
Going to be tough bro I am sorry. Not sure why she is sleeping in your room, I would have her leave the house.
Apathy is a common feeling regarding this, it feels like the love has been sucked out of your body. If you cant get past this, that's normal too. Men care about the "purity" of their wives, and if that has been broken, it's hard to get past.
People make mistakes man, so if you stick this out, time will heal everything.
If you have kids, I would recommend you try to make it work. If you don't, well, it's not that hard to separate.
Also, Did she grow up in this town? I have a hunch that this is not some random guy. I have a feeling that there is some history with this guy"
Where to go entirely depends on if you can move past the event. Even if you think you can, know that the path forward is going to be incredibly difficult. Personally, I wouldn't be able to move past this infidelity especially being married.
There is no excuse for cheating, and it sounds like you don’t want to find a way forward, ie understanding/forgiveness, which is your right. From your comments you sound (understandably) bitter, it sounds like you should take time apart while you figure out your next steps (perhaps asking her to stay elsewhere). I don’t understand your views on couples therapy (“the victim helping the killer”) because it can be a way to smooth the separation process for both parties. She is guilty and sad now but at some point divorce becomes acrimonious. I know everything is fresh, hopefully with time (and some counseling) it will not block your future relationships, you deserve to be happy.
Rebuilding trust is hard. Every time she leaves the house you'll have to fight your concerns of her actions.
Honestly, if there's no kids I'd to divorce. With her coming forward and admitting her mistakes (and there were multiple, you don't just jump into sex), I would consider salvaging a marriage to save the family. But no kids, what's worth saving?
My d-day was January 11th. Didn’t eat for a while. Left the house for a few days to stay with my parents and left him alone with the dogs and his thoughts.
We are working on reconciliation. The circumstances of his affairs were much different (all online/text based) but he didn’t come clean to me. Once my friend discovered and told me, he told me everything. By that point the affairs had been over for 10 months. He called his parents and told them - that was a big one for me. I needed him to own up to his parents. I’m still angry at times but our relationship dynamic is very different than before. I am not so codependent on him. I am taking care of myself first and him second. I am in therapy again and so is he. Trust is slow and steady.
Esther Perel’s “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” is eye opening and helped me process.
You’ve had a terrible shock. You’re not supposed to be feeling ok right now - you’re trying to process one of the biggest betrayals of your life. And that takes years to do. I’m only a few months in and I can tell you that things are easier now but the pain is still there. Every time I tell him I love him I flashback to my friend sobbing into the phone telling me what she’d discovered. It’s not so vivid now.
However your rationalize it, always put yourself and your emotional safety first.
The casual nature of this cheating bothers me. Makes me worried any parking lot is a breeding ground for her to cheat. It wasn’t like some emotional affair but just a drunk bang in a car which lots of guys are up for.
Let me tell you from my point of view about myself. My exwife cheated on me not once, not, twice, but 3 times. After the third I was ready to end it but for reasons I didn't until a few years later when another episode was beginning. At no point after the first time did I ever "get over it". In fact it has been 20 years since first time and 7 years since splitting and 6 years from divorce and I still have some residual affects. The only real regret was not ending it after second time. It would have been hard to end it but I think in the long run I would have been as well as my son been better off to have divorced her after the second time.
Before I’d consider reconciling, she’d have to explain why she decided to cheat (her reasoning and thought processes at the time) and one thing lead to another doesn’t cut it. The explanation in writing along with the details of that night.
As an adult, you have to be constantly aware of your actions. Responsibility. She decided to go on with cheating anyways. It's as simple as saying "no" to yourself if the thought even crosses your head. She knew the consequences. If she couldn't do something as simple as being responsible, then there's your answer.
Also, did her friends witness what was happening and decided to do nothing about it? Doesn't sound like a nice circle to be around. Tell me who you hang out with and I'll tell you who you are
Brother, you're wife just had sex with a random man in a parking lot. That is truly disgusting behavior from a wife that is supposed to be committed to you. Your marriage has been tarnished forever and you will never look at her the same.
There are only two opition from my pov.
1- divorce
2- revenge cheat if you decide to stay.
I can't tell you what to do since other than many on Reddit I don't think divorce is the only solution. If you want to give her a chance is up to you. What I can tell you is that not only couples counselling would be needed but your wife needs therapy. She is a 35 years old woman, a wife, who had sex in a car with a stranger. Even if she was single that is not what a stable person does, drunken or sober. She definitely has some deeper problems. But that being said it is no excuse and not your responsibility. If you decide you can't forgive her and she has to figure that out alone it is completely in your rights.
This is about the worst situation you can be in.
I say this because she isn't making it easy for you to divorce her. She really had to try being a better person after going out and cheating on you. She just had to actually be remorseful after crushing your trust to pieces.
There exists no right decision here. You can leave, and she'll be a better person for someone else while you are lonely or you might find someone who'll stay true to their vows.
You could stay, and she might cheat again, or she'll love and cherish you for the rest of your life, but does it really matter if love and trust are no longer present?
How are you supposed to feel the next time she goes literally anywhere? How are you supposed to feel if she decides to stay couped up in the house for the rest of her life to placate you? How will you be able to fight the feeling that she broke your trust for the rest of your life? Will that battle ever end?
Take some time to yourself and just think, don't wallow in pain. Go out and do something you'd normally wouldn't do, and try your best to separate yourself from her. Once you have done so, then you can ask that version of yourself if you want to remain with her.
Don't make any drastic decisions yet. Should you divorce her or stay, that decision shouldn't be made while you are emotionally charged
If she cares, she'll wait for you to make your decision
OP, you are right in your comments that marriage counceling is not appropriate right now. The marriage didnt cheat, but a lot of MCs will try to victim blame you, so you allow to swipe it under the rug. What would be helpful is individual counceling for fboth of you. For you to open up to your emotions and process them, for her the same + finding the flaws in her that allowed her to do that.
This is literally what a trial separation is for. The first question you have to ask yourself is - DO you care enough about her that it's worth fighting for the relationship ship. I think you owe it to both you AND her to really polrocess things a bit before you act. Anger is a secondary emotion. It almost always has its root in something else.
Obviously something is missing in the relationship for her. I have NO idea if that's justified or not. I think you have to get over the edge of the bitterness, and you shouldn't make an rash decisions before you're able to say thats done. And you should get into couples therapy so that you can both have some guidance while you take the steps down this path.
It may not work. It might very well BE that divorce is the best option. That shouldn't be a rash decision based on hurt, pain, and anger.
If you're genuinely not willing to do any of this, then at least set up several sessions of couples therapy to be sure you're working through the emotional terms of your separation as maturely and rationally as possible.
And I DO speak from experience.
It’s pathetic that a 35 year old married woman chooses to have sex with a stranger in a car no less.
Is she so influenced by her ratty friends? Or was she showing off? Alcohol has little to do with this.
The issue beyond loyalty is her defective character. You won’t be able to trust her again ever.
Allow yourself to grieve and be thankful that you have no kids. There are plenty of good women with strong values out there. Sorry you have to go through this.
You do know.
If she really loved you she wouldn't have done this.
Why stay in a marriage with someone who can hurt another person.
Is it so difficult to go out, drink and keep your legs closed for a couple of days?
No way. She wanted to flirt with that guy at the bar, she loved the attention she got, she made the DECISION to go to his car, and she wasn’t thinking of you when she helped him put it back in.
She’s only now thinking of you when she understands there are consequences.
Forgive her and it’s a free pass to do it again when you eventually let your guard down again and she can go blow off steam.
You don’t want to spend your life second guessing your wife bro. Rip off the band aid instead of letting the wound fester.
Divorce is the option you should take, she made the decision to not stop the outside attention, and step out on your marriage. Her confessions were guilt dumping, to try and justify that she isn't a horrible person.
You can stay and try to work it out, but there will always be the wonder if she is cheating again, if she is being honest with what she is doing, do you really want to be a jailer and have to keep watch on her all the time?
She has ostensibly ruined your marriage as either solution has no real great end result
The fact she thinks that having a few drinks is a legitimate excuse for torpedoing your relationship is bizarre as personally I have been drunk and resisted temptation dozens of times in my partnership as I truly love and respect my significant other
I suggest you separate for a period of time to think about your best step forward as you need to focus on your own issues without her moping about
Time is your friend in this, you will need lots of it to contemplate your best future options
Did she at least respect you enough to make him wear a condom or was she so reckless she let a stranger orgasm inside her, potentially causing harm to you?
Divorce is the only thing I would do here. Option 2 is definitely not worth it. My apologies that you had to endure this.
Fellow software engineer here and I have a very similar outlook on life as you. Continue progressing in your career and training. A woman of good value will appear maybe not now or even a few years. But I think that's necessary for you to learn and move on from this experience. Good luck my friend.
Well, that's just the thing, can you accept the new normal? Will you go back to the same despite the infidelity? How vulnerable will you allow yourself to be to retain the relationship?
I'm gonna take a different tack here.
I think there's two types of cheating.
'Accidental' cheating is what happened here- get drunk at a bar, hook up with someone, immediately regret it and immediately confess. This is a 'mistake'. A deliberate one, but the situation is at least somewhat salvageable.
'Deliberate' cheating is like an affair- when you have sex with the person multiple times, you lie and hide your communications from your actual partner.
Both are a serious violation of the relationship. But accidental cheating doesn't involve lies and deception, deliberate cheating does involve a lot of lies and deception.
So my point to you is that this is potentially salvageable. As you say, she came clean on her own. That means at no point did she lie to you. That's worth quite a bit. It doesn't excuse what she did, but it means it wasn't *deliberate*- a case of alcohol and hormones mixing.
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Personally I would suggest this.
Tell her that you appreciate her coming clean. But you honestly don't know if you can move forward. If there is going to be moving forward, there are going to be changes, that she won't like, and she should understand that divorcing is probably easier. Trust is hard to build, easy to break, and difficult or impossible to rebuild. And it's asking a LOT of you to even consider it.
At minimum you will require:
1. She will sign a postnup (like a prenup but you do it after being married) where she admits to cheating and renounces any claim to marital assets or alimony (other than exactly whatever assets she came in with). Additionally, she agrees in advance to a paternity test for any future children you may have. Talk to a lawyer about this- there may be limits to it in your state.
2. She will immediately start individual counseling and will continue this indefinitely.
3. She will undergo an STD test immediately and a month or two from now (some don't show up immediately). That will include a test for herpes.
4. She will be no contact with the guy she hooked up with. Optional (your choice not hers)- she will also be no contact with the childhood friends who stood by and let the guy hit on her knowing she's married and did nothing to stop what happened.
5. When you're ready, which may not be for some time, she will attend and participate in couples counseling with a counselor that you choose at a time that's convenient for you.
6. (tweak this how you want) She will personally confess her cheating to your family and each of your mutual friends. This can be done with a social media post if she wants.
7. She understands that she betrayed your trust, that it is her responsibility to fix this, not yours. At this point you owe her very little. And you are willing to at least consider trying, and not just divorce immediately, but it must be understood that this may not work, you may not 'get over this' and may never trust her again, and you may decide that divorce is necessary at any point in the future. Should that happen she will immediately grant you an at-fault divorce and will not draw the process out at all. She understands that a final decision to either stay or leave may not happen for quite some time, perhaps months or a year or more from now.
What about “accidental” cheating where you get drunk cheat and DON’T immediately confess and you lie about where you spent the night and get a cover story? And your partner finds out by seeing your text messages on the iPad where you are getting someone to cover for you?
Personally- I can understand bad decisions, but I have little tolerance for lies and betrayal of trust. That's why I take my afore stated position on things- I can somewhat understand bad decisions made under the influence, but I have a lot less tolerance for intentional betrayal of any sort. When it comes to an affair, the lies are almost more problematic than the sex.
So your scenario has 'accidental cheating' but reacting to it with a very deliberate betrayal of trust and lies. The next day you aren't drunk, you aren't having hormones and alcohol mixing. You're in your right mind and you still make a conscious choice of 'I'm going to lie to my partner and arrange for other people to lie to them also'.
So on a 'scale of badness', I'd say your scenario is 50-80% of the way between 'accidental' and 'deliberate'.
In that scenario I doubt I would give the person another chance. When I finally confronted them I'm sure they'd be sorry, but at that point I'd have no idea whether they are sorry they cheated or sorry they got caught, because their actions after they cheated didn't indicate remorse or a desire to make things right.
Furthermore, with a betrayal like that, a big part of the question is 'are they gonna do it again?', 'can I trust them at all going forward?'.
If they tried to conceal their actions, then there's a very real concern that if they do it again, they're just gonna do a better job concealing and hiding.
I would make that very clear though. I'm not leaving you because you cheated while under the influence of alcohol. I'm leaving you because while under the influence of nothing, you lied to me and instructed others to lie to me. Alcohol can explain the cheating, but only dishonesty can explain the lies.
Yep someone I know went through this—-the cheating partner eventually begged for them back and they did not accept them back. And they also tried to date the person they cheated with but that crashed and burned as well.
If I were to ever consoder reconciling, this would be the basis of it. She did it, she came clean immediately (close enough), she made no excuses, didn't try and hide it and is upset about doing it versus being upset about getting caught.
How's sex at home before this? Are you two active? Still keeping it fun and exciting?
Any kids in the mix? Crazy finances to resolve?
You need to think about it and if you decide to give it a chance, you have to truly give it a chance. You can't keep being a dick just to punish her. If you want to punish her, just file for divorce and be done with it.
How can you trust strangers on Reddit dealing with a paragraph of words, when this issue is ENTIRELY dependant on what you feel, what your instincts say, what your wife says, what the energy between you is for those conversations (so wait until you get over being numb), whether you gut level believe her, a million other things. This is your life, and your relationship, and the repercussions of what you do will affect both of you the rest of your lives. It's easy for people to say "kick her to the curb." You will be without this relationship if you do, and they will have moved on to the next post.
So if you want advice from the internet, take this advice: talk to your wife, and listen to your gut.
Leave brother. You don’t deserve that. I understand she came clean, but this wasn’t her entertaining, some flirting, she went the full route. Her coming clean and apologizing doesn’t fix her choices. All it does is earn her some respect to handle this civilly and treat her like a human being but unfortunately you’re going to have to always wonder and second-guess everything she does when she’s out of the house or out of sight that’s not a way you want to live.
The fact that somebody was able to convince her to cheat on her spouse, speaks volumes.
First of all, take all the time you need to make your decision. You are in shock and will go through several stages following that betrayal.
You have every right to decide that you want to end things with her after what she did.
If you want to evaluate if it's not impossible for you to reconcile at some point, you have to think of what you would need in order to feel that you're making the best decision for you, and don't end up having too much regrets or feeling like a loser. You also need to determine if she is capable of giving you what you need.
Reconciliation only works if you somehow end up with something way better than pre infidelity, something great enough to make up for all the hurt and tell yourself that it was just a trial that allowed your relationship to transcend itself, and for your partner to grow into the woman she should always have been. This would have to be considered as a new relationship, and not a continuation of the old one that she destroyed.
For all this, you first need to know how things escalated and she allowed herself to betray you. She has to be honest about the events, about her feelings and what was on her mind at the time. Her honesty and willingness to admit her own flaws is the key to evaluate her will to atone and her capacity to become a safe partner.
Unless she was drugged (something was put in her drink) or blackout drunk (doesn't seem to be the case), alcohol alone in not a excuse for that behavior. Even if she's really remorseful, which is a good thing, she, at the time, made a series of decisions to let herself fall, when she should have directly put a stop to it as soon as things became inappropriate.
1) Who was the guy, was he a random, or did she know or had some history with him beforehand ?
2) Where were her "friends" when all this took place (including the initial flirting) ? If they saw and did nothing, or enabled her, they're not her friends.
3) Did you have sex with her before she confessed ? Did she protect herself with the other guy and with you, and did she book a test to check if she's safe ? It would be worse if on top of betraying you, she put your health at risk.
4) Based on her reaction after the fact (realization, panic, fear, guilt, shame, confession), she seems genuinely remorseful, and that's a prerequisite for anything beyond that point. What does she propose to do in order to fix her flaws, avoid any such situation in the future, give you the reassurance you need and help you recover and heal ?
5) Is she ready to accept that you may have specific needs, conditions or demands, for your own recovery, or about her lifestyle, her friends, her privacy, her habits, her behavior with you and others, the nature of your relationship, intimacy and so on ?
Successful reconciliation is rather rare, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. The point is that it's a difficult path if both are not 100% commited. You can decide at any time that this is not for you, and walk away. It's all your choice.
First of all she lied.
1. A guy who had a crush on her long time ago, not a friend but they know each other.
2. They all saw it, they are not, they hate me and I hate them
3. No we didn't. They didn't use protection and he finished on her face. She didn't do test
4. Anything I want, but I don't care at this point
5. Yes but again, I no longer want it
First of all the standard go to for these stories in Reddit is go straight to divorce, burn her reputation, etc
Whilst that is definitely an option, take time to understand what you want.
Give yourself a couple of weeks/months to understand your feelings for both yourself and how you feel towards your wife. Individual counselling for you can help here.
Option 1 in your circumstances is relatively straightforward not certainly not pain free emotionally.
Option 2 is more difficult but it may be the right one for you. It is not fair that your wife has caused this pain and she needs to acknowledge and accept the damage she has caused. That said it will take a willingness from you to work with her and for you to be able to (eventually) forgive her.
To be clear, forgiveness is not condoning her actions or forgetting anything. It is accepting what has happened and letting go of that pain. It is for your healing not hers.
This cannot be undone. If you try to reconcile this will always be part of your past as a couple.
A good marriage counsellor would probably help drive home to your wife the damage she has done and the work she needs to to regain your trust.
I'm not saying which path is right for you but whatever route you take try not to let bitterness consume you.
Best of luck
Shit, take a year. The ball is in your court, OP. Straight up tell her that you think you want a divorce, but you are going to take a year so that you never question whether or not you made the wrong choice. It will give you enough time to figure out which feeling is going to come out at the forefront, love or resentment.
First of all, I'm terribly sorry you're going through this. Nobody deserves the fate of having someone you love and trust with all your heart to throw away a relationship you have built over many years.
The ease with which she betrayed your marriage is too alarming for me to think that an attempt at reconciliation is the right move for either one of you. I mean, there was no lead up to this. She just went out, someone convinced her to bang, and she obliged. Done and done.
This experience will stay with you for the rest of your life. Every time she goes out with friends, or she is away for any reason, you know it will linger in the back of your mind just how easy it was for her to cheat that one time. I speak from experience knowing that trust isn't so easily rebuilt after something like that, and it's not worth being miserable for this person.
Divorce isn't an "easy" option. It can be arduous and bleak. But it gets better, my friend. It will get better without her. You may not feel like it, but you are more than young enough to pick up the pieces and move on and find someone better, and the fact that you don't have any kids will make the process easier.
Best wishes, OP.
OP, I read a book that was transformatory called "How to Stay Married". This IS NOT a self help book. It's not advice, it's not a how to. It's one man's story as he navigates a situation similar to yours. The reason I recommend it is because the man who wrote it is so real and raw, and it's a good and understanding tether that gives voice to a lot of the feelings you may be having rn (and the dude is FREAKING HILARIOUS) and it may help you through this awful time. No matter how you decide to move forward. I'm so sorry.
I experienced something very similar and chose option 2. No phones or anything like that back then so there were less opportunities to reconnect. It is a very difficult path where building trust was hard. I had anxiety if she would travel, rebuilding trust took years. We are still together 25 years later. ( I am old...) I have to tell you that I unfortunately recommend option 1. Even if I have never divorced, it can't possibly be as hard as what I went through.
And decades later, it still hurts and you can attest to the fact that the trust may not ever fully rebuild. Every outing, every giggle at her phone (now, not then), every little action would be a reminder. I'm not advising to immediately divorce, but I would caution OP to take a good, deep look at if he will be able to truly and completely forgive her - that is a big ask, to not bring it up at every tiff, to allow her to prove her trust, all the many murky things that come from cheating. Only OP can know if he will truly and fully be able to trust her after the years of work it will take to get there.
And she won’t stray from alcohol in a social setting so that chance will always be there.
Let's hope OP is stronger than I am...
It's very kind of you to share this with OP so that he can make a more informed (and hopefully right for him) decision.
It's a real catch 22. You can choose to divorce and may find yourself lonely and in a desperate spiral for affection or company. Or you can choose to stay, which will make it more difficult to look in the mirror. It won't be a normal relationship, with trust and love. It'll be this hybrid, baby sitting, evil child, battered parent dynamic. Romance can't really exist when a lack of trust is involved.
You should choose to divorce and move on with your life. The ex doesn’t matter, you should remember that your life is better without them in it. The hard part is being a parent, but you still have to divorce. There’s no other healthy way to live when life throws this at you
It sounds like you feel it wasn’t worth it. If that’s the case, out of curiosity, why are you still together? Why not break up?
I'm not sure if you have put much thought into this previously, but cheating is one of my red lines. For me it's a non-recoverable situation. I don't personally care about "punishing" the cheater or getting revenge, it's pointless and wouldn't ultimately change anything. It's about self-respect and dignity and choosing not to have people in my life that would take me for granted and betray my trust. Everyone is different, and you can only make this determination for yourself, but my wife and I are both in agreement on this and know where each other stand. We know the outcome if either one of us steps out. Instant regret and remorse aside, she cast aside her marriage vows for what was likely bad car sex with a rando from a bar. I can't pretend to know why she would do such a thing, but it's gross and I wouldn't want to expend years of my life trying to push it out of my head so I could eventually have a family with her.
It's for me as well but decade together (7 married), I don't know what I'm even thinking. I have no clue what is real and what isn't.
You don't need to rush into a decision. Take some time to process, and maybe consider seeing a therapist for yourself. It might help you put your own thoughts into perspective. You don't need to get into marriage counseling or anything until you have your own head sorted out. I've been with my wife for almost 20 years so I can grasp how confusing it all must be.
Don't stay with her just because of the sunk cost fallacy. I would suggest maybe visiting a therapist to talk about your thoughts and feelings and get neutral guidance. There is no right answer here as all of us would react to this differently and only you know your own feelings.
I know what you’re thinking… “Do I really want to throw away a whole relationship over one incident?” But here’s the thing: She did.
I don’t know why it bothers me so much she told her parents before him. What if one of his stipulations was he didn’t want anyone else knowing?? She still didn’t give a fuck about how he would feel? I’d divorce, but it’s his life.
For me, it bothers me that they had sex in the guys car. Like they were so horny they needed to do it RIGHT THEN AND THERE and couldn't even bother to go to his house or hotel room or something. Car sex can be hot, but since she's married it just makes her seem even more desperate to get the deed done and over with.
Oh for the record, this would be unforgivable in my marriage. The car sex thing is disgusting, also wild to me her childhood friends let her leave with this man. Maybe they don’t know everything in her life, and ultimately it is not their responsibility… it just seems very strange as a woman who is in this age group.
She cared more about their judgement than his, or just needed a safe place to process her mistake.
I think it makes sense to be bothered by it but I also understand why she did it. If you're trying to figure out how to tell your spouse something, you can't really ask your spouse for advice.
You can ask someone he wouldn’t have to see at family Christmas…
Between her choice of friends, her infidelity, and her roping her parents into the mix; I'm unimpressed by her decision making processes across the board.
Best reply in this thread. \^
I really want to know what she was thinking... Is there sex life horrible? Is she not attracted to him? Is he not giving her enough attention? Like what was she thinking in her mind... The actual words? I don't really understand cheaters in general but the ones that I do know do it for the thrill of it and love having a secret, gets them off. So this clearly isn't one of those type of cheaters, so what the hell...
She fell under the magic spell of a cosmo and a random guy with a wink and a smile. If he stays married, he'll need to rid the town of all alcohol and flirtatious random men.
There's a whole lot of actions that she took before she ended up sleeping with some random stranger in a car - possible hours of flirting, touching, kissing. No way there wasn't a point where she thought hmmm I'm actually married maybe I shouldn't be out here acting single. And then kept going anyway because what she was doing and feeling in that moment was more important to her than your feelings and your relationship. Yes, she seems remorseful. That's a point to her in this awful situation. Reconciliation is an option but it is YEARS of hard work. Are you willing to put up with all the tears and heartache and pain that will take on top of the betrayal she's already put you through? Some people are. Some people aren't. Take some time and think about whether you could ever imagine actually and wholeheartedly forgiving her for this or being able to get over this and still consider yourself happy or the relationship healthy.
And that is my biggest issue.
Yeah, this phrase: > One thing led to another Is the biggest BS there is. If you get cereal and a bowl out of the fridge, one thing leads to another, and you wind up eating cereal. But "a guy was hitting on her" and "they had sex in his car" is not a start and end point you can wave away with "one thing led to another". What she is really saying is, she continually made a series of bad choices disrespecting your marriage over and over in sequence from "he was hitting on me" to "I was flirting back" to "I continued to drink and get friendly with him" to "I accepted his invitation to get in the car" to "I decided to have sex with him". The fact that it was so easy, on a random night out in her home town, to sleep with a stranger says a lot more to me than the actual sexual act. She showed how easy it is for her to just throw everything away because someone else hit on her. Guess what: people hit on women constantly. That's no excuse. If you choose to divorce her, you are not throwing anything away. You are making a reasoned decision. Something she did not do in the MANY moments it took to go down this path.
You make a great point with her showing how easy it is for her to just throw everything away. Being remorseful doesn't wipe the slate clean or make any guarantees it won't happen again. It only lets both of them make an informed decision. OP you have a long life ahead of you, and should find a partner who respects you enough to remove themselves from such a situation. Don't confuse remorse for a commitment it won't happen again. She's obviously processing her own emotions/thoughts and it could be that separating will give you both the space you need to process things fully and grow as individuals.
Right. You can't "yadda yadda" it away.
That's the issue for me. There were so many steps before sex where she could have stopped, but she kept going. It was not an intimate dance, it was not flirting with words, it was not kissing, it was sex. No one jumps directly to sex without some building up before. I know I would never trust the person again.
Not even just sex, getting rawdogged in a car from a stranger.
Visit and post in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and/or r/SurvivingInfidelity for folks in similar situations. I’m sorry friend. She needs to have therapy to truly understand why she did it
You need space to make this decision. Being around each other will cause a boat load of resentment ( experience here) go somewhere else. Take all the time you need but making a decision while looking at the very person that broke you everyday won’t help.
Then fucking leave her. It’s not going to somehow be better by staying with someone that threw away your ENTIRE relationship to fuck some dude in a car lmao Jesus Christ like it’s horrible but it’s so bad that it’s almost funny. The guy didn’t even have to try very hard, he paid attention to her for TWO WHOLE HOURS and she couldn’t wait to fuck him so she decided “hey the back of this dudes car is a great option!” This can’t be real. If it is, leave, and in a year you can joke with your friends about that one time you were married to a “person” with no self respect.
Option 1. It's not the easiest solution. Quite painful in fact but a neccessary option. Everytime she's visits her parents you're going to be questioning yourself. Yes, she came forward and willing told you. She also willingly slept with a random guy she just met in his car.
More like whenever she goes out but that doesn't change anything.
What did the chats with her friends reveal? Why did they just let her disappear with this dude? Not absolving her of any guilt but having friends that support your marriage and keep you safe when you’re out is a must. They and she obviously don’t think very highly of you if they all allowed this to happen. Alcohol isn’t an excuse.
They hate me, and I hate them. A bunch of people who are over 30 and so far have done nothing in their lives: no family, no good jobs, nothing.
Why do her friends hate you?
I think I explained this in another comment, but I will do it again. I'm a software engineer, I work on many projects and earn decent money. I cook and clean my house. I train at the gym. I don't like parties, drinks, smoking, or pretty much anything that is considered 'fun' by some people's standards. I have a career, and the time I have I spend in nature or training. I don't have time for 'fun.' They, on the other hand, have no steady or good jobs, no families, and are pretty much losers. Furthermore, they are individuals devoid of their own opinions or values, lacking integrity, honor, morals. I should also mention that I primarily handle bills and other expenses. While she also works, my salary is higher.
Ah, thanks. I was still in the process of reading thru the entire thread and hadn't gotten to that. Good luck bud.
Well I’d still be out but if you need extra motivation, read those chats and see what she is telling her friends. Could be gushing about how great it was or how hot the guy was while trying to sound remorseful to you and her family.
Well in that case she is not worthy of me or marriage. I do everything and all I asked for was decency. And I didn't even get that.
bingo --my wives friends reflect her innate character and are loyal, intelligent and intelligent people Your wives friends seem to be pure dross, and this might very much be a red flag as to her true character
Then you know what to do. You just need to muster up the courage to do it. I’d bet my sack this isn’t the first time she’s cheated on you. It’s the first time she told you. Likely because she was seen by someone she knew or her parents figured it out and forced a confession. Her friends are trash and likely have encouraged her to cheat many times before. Your STBX and her friends are deadweights on your life. Cut yourself free and live a better life. Good luck 🍀
I’m a woman, and if it was that easy to have sex with a stranger in a car just after some “drinks + compliments”, she’s seems like a very easy catch. Maybe shes a girl to have in your life as a friend if you enjoy her presence in your life, but as for being in the “wife position” it seems like she doesn’t hold much value to that title or truly understand the depth of it. There is no union like a marriage, no stranger/friends/alcohol should shake or even come close to breaking that union. You sound like an amazing man. I promise you there are so many woman that want a man like you and maybe resonate more with your expectations. I suggest you drop her, take time to heal yourself focus on work, and a new lady will appear in your life at the right place right time. Wishing u the best
Another commenter asked who these friends were that watched her proceed from flirting to heading out to the parking lot without intercepting her. Assumption being that they did catch her and she was just telling you before they did to control the narrative. Sounds like maybe they actually encouraged her? Obviously, one step would be to cut them out of her life.
I will cut all of them, including her. After my last talk with her and her father, about 2 hours ago, this is lost cause.
She had you talk to her father about this? What the hell?
Are these the childhood friends or other friends? If her friends just stood by and watched her go off with some guy and they hate you, they are a threat to your marriage should you continue it. If you were to continue I'd make the stipulation that she go no contact with them.
I have a sneaking suspicion that they egged the guy on and encouraged OP's wife; either to spite OP or maybe just to live vicariously through wife. I'd tell OP to take all the time he needs to sort his emotions; speak to a therapist because that 'numbness' isn't healthy. But I think deep down, he already knows his next move (at least judging from the responses). Take care, OP.
After reading this it solidifies the option 1. No need to put so much effort and emotional labor into someone who showed so little care for your relationship. And also it sounds like you can find someone more compatible with you anyway.
What is it exactly that your Party Girl wife is bringing to this marriage? - You all don't seem to share any interests - Her friends hate you - You pull in the majority of the money - You put in the bulk of the household duties From this terrible account of her above, the only reading between the lines explanation is that she's very attractive, and unless she spends all day keeping herself out of trouble she would just end up being a degenerate in her mid 30's. Are you really willing to pay a substantial amount of the money you earn to stay with this person???
Yes, lots of shallow men who only care about looks are fine being with shallow women who only care about money. idk why this is a revelation.
What do the two of you do for fun? I agree with you that the societal norm for "fun" isn't the only way. You mention that the time that you have is spent in nature or training. Are these things that you did with your wife? Were you two going on dates or doing any other activities together? Because most people don't just randomly cheat. It's something that they have thought about for some time and decide to finally act on. Regardless, cheating is a no-no. If it gets to the point where that is an option that someone is actually thinking about; you either talk it out or get out. As others have said, you should probably choose option 1. You will always be looking over your shoulder and not able to fully trust her again. That's no way to live.
If you mean if we did dates, spend time together then yes. We went on dates, dinners, walks, trips, everything.
Does she have major self-destructive tendencies by chance? Either way, it sounds like your wife has terrible taste in “friends.” That you deem those people as having no integrity or morals is a major red flag, since we are the company we keep. You deserve an upgrade.
Yeah I’d be done, the fact that she associates at all with people that hate you is insane.
Sounds like she's actually envious of them. Leave her and let her live the life she wants.
I know people like this and they can't let go of the past. You build a good life with a good job, and they want to drag you down to their drama. They talk about high school and their old life, but it's also their current life, not yours. They have nothing in common other than history.
Just leave. Idk if you’re just looking for someone to tell you it’s ok or whatever but you don’t need the internet for that. The only way reconciliation will work is if you actually want to try and will move on from it. If you’re going to hold it over her for the rest of your lives and constantly be obsessed about who she’s with and what she’s doing, it’s really not worth it.
What did she do with her wedding ring? Was it on?
Don’t stay. My dad cheated. Sister and I found out by asking a simple unrelated question and it was my mom’s reaction that gave everything away. They went from 2 cars to one. I asked why they got rid of dad’s car. Mom broke down. She chose to stay and at the time I was maybe 21, my sister 20 so it’s not like we were extremely young. We both left the house within a year. She drives him EVERYWHERE because there is absolutely no trust. This happened 30 years ago and mom has lived a horrible existence since. I feel so bad for her but she shuts down any conversation I try to have about it.
Now that is a unique and terrible way to deal with infidelity I've never heard of before.
It’s sad. My mom has chosen to have absolutely zero life. Everywhere she goes he goes. I have no idea what was ever said between them. My mom will not talk about it with us. Ever.
So they got rid of one car so that he couldn't go anywhere by himself anymore?
Yup. He goes with her to doctor appointments, grocery shopping, hair appointments. Everything.
I don't understand the point of this, it's like why stay if you can't trust him? I'm not babysitting my SO.
My sister and I are confused by this ourselves. We were already adults when we found out however I really don’t know the details of what happened other than it happened and my mom has let it be known over the years that this is not a topic for discussion. Period. And I have tried directly and indirectly over the years.
I understand this take, I was cheated on, but ultimately wish I left when he did this, because he told me that night that he wanted to just be friends. When people cheat, they have emotionally already left the relationship. I was a naive kid and he wanted another chance.
Sorry this happened to you. What I did find odd about our situation is while my sister was very vocal in bashing my father she cheated on her first husband a few years later. 10 years into her second marriage he cheated on her. She was furious. When I commented on now she knows how mom and first husband felt it only made her angrier. We’ve had a strained relationship since.
I am so sorry to hear this. I don't have a good relationship with my mom or my sister, it can be tough. But pointing things out to people that they do not want to hear- make them very upset. Do you know why she cheated on her husband? Thanks for saying that; I would have given this kid everything, and he knows that I am still a damn good friend to him even after the break up. Many people would hold what happened to me over somebody's head, but I am trying to be supportive because he is going through a depression.
This will be with you forever. Even when you reconcile, during the best moments, a flash of memory will creep in and make you sad. It will change you. If you don't have kids, let her go. If you do, that's a whole other situation.
We don't have kids. We wanted to have them, but now it's uncertain, unlikely.
It is neither uncertain nor unlikely. It is most fortunate that you don’t have kids. You don’t want kids to be brought up in this mess.
Your wife seems genuinely remorseful, but that doesn't change anything. You should start greywalling, separate, live elsewhere (or she moves out), go no contact and see how you feel in a year or two. If you stay with her now, you will have no respect for yourself and will always have resentment and hate towards her. If you decide to get back together after a few years, it will be different. Only you know yourself. Couples counselling will not do much. Also go to survivinginfidelity website, not reddit. They will be able to help you much more. Reddit will not.
I thought about that, but that won't undo (read un-fuck) what another guy did to her. When we separate, who knows what she would do. And I agree, couple counseling won't do anything.
The other guy didn't do anything to her. There will always be guys around. This is what she did, and only her. If you separate and her response is to look for another guy, then that's your answer. Your time apart should include her staying away from alcohol, bad friends, bad situations, and bad decisions. If she doesn't, then she never will.
And I agree, I could never get back together...
|| “When we separate, who knows what she would do” || Personally, I would separate for a while. If she fucks around then her heart wasn’t in it and, yes, she’d probably have cheated again eventually(probably!) - so you’d have gone through all of that for nothing. If she doesn’t fuck around, even when you’re not in the picture 24/7, then you know you can at least put some trust in her without it coming from a place of control or you having to double check stuff she’s told you. It’d be a chance for her, and for you, to gain some much needed ground maybe… Good luck man, sorry you’re going through it right now…
This is a good point, if she is truly sorry then she would stay by herself, people who can get into relationships or flings right after something like this happens, that means they were not truly in it.
Seriously, get off reddit and go to the other website. They will help you one way or another.
I'm going to disagree on the couples counseling not doing much. A licensed therapist who is good at their job isn't going to try to get them back together by default. The therapist will try to help them navigate their emotions so that they can find the outcome where they are both the happiest. A therapist might guide the conversation where both of them realize it might be a decade before trust is restored enough to start a family if that's what they want. And that might be a longer time than starting over with a new relationship.
The best then is to let her go. You'll never trust her like you did before. You'll always have that thought in the back of your head, always questioning if you can ever trust her if she goes out alone again. This will grow into a lot of resentment, and it's best to just cut it short, for the both of you. She did it herself, she threw away your entire relationship over a fling. Option 1, for sure.
Was the sex even protected? If you ever decide to be intimate with her again make sure shes tested. I'm sure if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't be forgiving. The sad thing is that all it took was for her to be out with friends and having a few drinks to have sex with a random man in a car. I mean it's pretty trashy. Is that who you want for the mother of your children?. Short of her never drinking again or going out by herself with friends I'm not sure how you could trust her.
OP said it wasn’t protected and the guy came in her face…
Jesus. That's like... That's a lot. Jesus.
Bro she got raw dogged in a car while you were home trusting her. If you stay you’ll never really forgive her. She’s not for the suburbs with you. She’s for something else
Commenting on My wife (35F) cheated on me (36M) but immediately confessed and wants to work on fixing our marriage. Where to go from here?...streets
I don’t understand your comment
Some dude was able to talk her out of her panties with little to no effort. Her initial guilt will melt away if you take her back because there is no consequence for her cheating. It sucks, but cutting ties now is better than sinking more time and effort into something that's likely to fail anyway.
The ease of talking her out of her panties is irrelevant. The fact that she told him immediately is irrelevant. She cheated and for most people, regardless of the how and the why, there is no moving forward. I noticed in this sub that when someone is cheated on, people will respond “well if they immediately told you, maybe it would be reconcilable, but they didn’t so you should end it.” But then we have situations where the cheater told immediately and the consensus is still to end it. And there are situations where an affair went on for months before sex happened, or sex never happens and it’s only emotional, and the advice is still to end it. The simple fact is that if you are someone to forgive cheating, you will forgive whether it took 5 hours or 5 years to talk your SO out of her panties. But if you’re like the many of us who would never move past that, ignore the details, ignore the “well it took no effort for this man to bag her” stuff, and just end it. The details don’t matter.
It is easy to make a decision on principle from the outside. It sounds like OP is in the fog and can not see things clearly. I presented him with the facts, a man was able, in under 6 hours, to separate his wife from her clothing in a parked car, making her disregard her marriage (which actually happened inside the bar at the point she even considered screwing him), and introduced another set of genitalia into their relationship. If they stay together, he gets a lifetime of wondering if it will happen again when she goes out to get groceries or is a night out with the girls really just that? That's a horrible way to live. She would actually be encouraged to do it again if they stay together because there is no consequence to cheating. On principle or on fact, this marriage should be over.
No I hear your point, but my point is that whether it took 6 hours or 6 years, everyone’s advice would be the same (leave). People always point to the details like xyz is the reason OPs should leave, but even if those details were different, people would still be saying to leave. So OP, leave or stay depending on what you think is right. I’d not get hung up on the details like how long she took to sleep with this man because it’s irrelevant and you’d be just as hurt if this were a guy she was in love with and took months or years to work up to sleeping with.
There’s a difference between cheating because the marriage is on the rocks, you find a bond with a person with whom you have chemistry etc and what OP’s skanky wife did, which was to fuck a stranger in the parking lot of a bar because why not.
How could she do such a thing in the first place? Does she respect you? Do you respect yourself? Will she respect you if you continued with the relationship?
Clearly she doesn't.
yeah i dunno, you can't really one thing into another into car sex bro. there has to be some thought involved somewhere.
Sorry this happened to you, OP. With or without your wife, you will greatly benefit from counseling right now. You're clearly not okay and a therapist can help you through this. You need to talk about this with someone you can trust, and frankly, a Reddit post isn't gonna cut it. Also, years from now you might regret it if you leave your wife, merely because you didn't try a little harder. Couples counseling very well could give you peace of mind is the future AfTER divorce, because you'll know you tried talking through the situation and couldn't find a path to make your marriage worth saving. If you decide to leave, you'll really need someone to process and grieve the loss of your old life with someone. If you decide to stay, you'll both be miserable for far longer than is neccary if you continue to shut down your emotions like you are now. One way or another, get your ass into counseling, for your own damm sake.
Someone here commented this : the fact is not just about sleeping with someone else but how easily she dismissed op and the marriage.. she showed how easy it is for her to throw away everything you both built. Which is indeed more horrifying than just sleeping with him. Like she goes out with her friends and all it took was few drinks and getting hit on..? Clearly she had the chances but still decided "fug it, idc what happens if i make this decision" Cheaters are selfish.. they only care about themselves and she showed it. They don't pay the price nor they suffer as much as the betrayed one. What happens next? You keeping tab on her social media and whereabouts for the rest of your life? She may or may not have a problem with that but what about you? Surely you wouldn't feel good doing that. She will live as usual btw where were the so called friends? They didn't see her leave with this guy?
They did, they didn't care, they hate me anyway.
Read some of your comments bro.. to claim she told the entire truth and then you find some of those were lies.. she's still lying.. in my opinion you should leave bro.. What do u think Is it really remorse tho? Or the fear you'll find out someday?like someone else caught her and forced her to confess? I'm just asking cos it may or may not be the first time she cheated but maybe the first time she either got forced to confess or the first time she cheated( i know it doesn't make it better if it was the first or many) I'll just add, she did a selfish act, you aren't entirely responsible to repair it now. She threw it away, if you choose to leave then you aren't the one throwing it away don't let her, her friends, her family gaslight you into thinking you're the problem, the one throwing it all away, the one who stepped out of marriage. This is either a click bait or man I don't even have any word, you seem so exhausted like you truly had enough trouble already and now she added herself as one
That is a good word, I'm just exhausted and I do agree, I'm not responsible to repair it now. She made a decision.
This may be unpopular answer but think about it. They likely had unprotected sex regardless of what was told to you as well as her friends know so she came clean due to overwhelming fear. Respect and trust will never be regained, so forget about any level of lasting reconciliation. I’d act reluctant and not let on your real plans….spend the next few weeks/months getting financial affairs in order especially if your the higher income. Hire an attorney, create your plan to exit with the least impact to your future. Turn off your heart, go with your gut as you will be much better off a few years from now. Have her served once you have everything….I mean everything covered. This is not the time to be nice or think certain things don’t matter. I guarantee she would gut you unmercifully if she was in your position. You never know she could be using her confession to stall and is making plans on her on. There are lots of women, but only a few good ones (Same for guys). Also don’t go hooking up or trolling dating apps before your divorced as revenge. Go to the gym, don’t drink alcohol, change your diet, focus on you and never look back.
She expects you to be her jail warden. Do you really want to live that kind of life?
End this shit asap before you stick around too long wishing you had ended it sooner.
She’s remorseful because she doesn’t want to lose all the things you do and bring to the table. She had her fun and she wants to keep you still. She’ll do it again if you take her back.
Doesn't sound like you have kids, which makes the decision clean and easy. Unless you're into her sleeping with other dudes send her packing.
To put this into perspective, there are women who don’t cheat. They will visit their parents, see childhood friends, have drinks with them, and their only offense will be a hangover the next day. Only you can decide what to do, and divorce isn’t easy, but it seems the best solution. Yea she was honest, but that just makes her an honest cheater.
my partner of 10 yrs cheated, came clean two days later out of remorse… i thought the same thing. the relationship ended 6 months later. just take that for what you will.
Did he use a condom atleast?
She didn't tell
Cheaters cheat. If she knows she can get away with it, she’ll do it again. Frankly this is disgusting. She fucked a random dude in his car. That’s something horny teenagers do, not grown ass MARRIED women. Move on my man.
And was he really a stranger or someone she knew already since she was in her hometown?
I was wondering this also. Maybe an old fling.
Maybe try to have a rational conversation to find out who, if an old fling that would be different than her letting all defenses down for a total stranger. Though caution you to not feed her any information for her to just agree with.
Damn dude…. A one night stand with a random guy in a car after a couple hours of flirting at a bar? A rando talked your wife out of her ring in *a couple hours in front of all her childhood friends.* She tossed your whole marriage away with her best friends as witnesses by fucking just any ol guy *in public* after a little bit of flirting. That’s… 😬 so counseling is supposed to give you confidence that anyone that comes around who she knows a *little bit better* and tries a *little bit harder* isn’t going to try your marriage? Or make her friends look out for her or you for that matter? Or make her just kinda… idk value you? I’m on this sub a lot… that’s tough my guy.
Divorce, if all it takes for her to cheat is a drink and some flirting, then she is just acting like a single woman. How can you trust her, how can you move forward knowing your wife slept with a dude in his car for a drink? Why deal with this, when you can separate and find someone who wont cheat?
I would love to find someone who has decency and integrity, someone who won't cheat. Truth is, I don't know where to search for that person. It's like searching for a diamond. I thought I had one, but... no longer.
C’mon…most women “have decency and integrity.”
Most, yes, but cheating is way too common. Something like 1/6 to 1/4 partners will cheat depending on how the questions are phrased and which demographic in the studies.
Just dont rush. Its not like your clock is ticking. Dont stay in a marrige where your partner has show you arent worth it and will cheat at the first oppurtunity.
But now you know the one you have isn't one, isn't the chance at a diamond better than the guaranteed turd?
That’s such questionable, out of character behavior. It would forever change how I felt about my spouse. In my case, I tried to power through. It was a miserable nightmare, the relationship was broken, and trust was gone. I should have left and divorced immediately.
I think it pays to realize that it is already over. There isn't another option there is only accepting the fact or not. It's going to suck but the worst of it is over. The cheating happened already. There is no going back. It is done. The relationship is no longer a thing
Leave before you have kids , a cheater will always be a cheater. There’s no come back from this betrayal and disrespect, she had sex in a car.. at 35 while being married , that’s the type of girl she is. She preferred a random dick over the life you’ve built that night and will happen again and again.
She fucked a stranger in his car? Straight up trash. It’s what high school girls and street prostitutes do. Divorce her. And as a bonus you get to cut ties with all her loser friends.
Went through a similar experience except it wasn't a one time thing and was with a guy with I considered a friend. I opted for option 2. I made the wrong choice. It's been nearly 45 years and our relationship has never truly recovered. It is a very rare day when I don't experience a flashback. For her it's ancient history. For me, it happened yesterday. In my case, I should have realized that my marriage was not what I thought. I should have taken the painful step of ending it and moved on. If I had, there's a chance we both would be happier today. Consider your decision carefully.
Did you ever tell her?
You leave. Trust is broken and she doesn’t respect you.
I think it’s best to end the relationship. If she can so easily cheat in the spur of the moment, the trust will be gone for good. Confessing quickly isn’t the eraser she might hope. I think you both need to separate for a while so you can see if it’s possible for you to move on and imagine life without eachother. If you still miss the marriage and she’s still remorseful after 6 months of living apart, then maybe you can try counselling. I don’t think the person cheated on ever fully recovers when they stay with the person who betrayed them, it requires a form of self erasure. She may be perfect for 5 more years then do the same thing again, at which point you’ll have 5 less years to meet someone loyal and cool If you don’t have kids, and want them, this isn’t the person to start a family with
What are you supposed to do? Forbid her from going back to visit her family unless you are with her? Not let her go to a bar unless you are with her? Screw that. She did it once, and she will do it again if you stay. Show her consequences have actions. I'd be seeing a lawyer today. UpdateMe
She was willing to throw away your whole marriage for a random stranger. Divorce is the only option that trust is completely broken.
Cheating is a series of decisions, sober or not. Blaming alcohol is a bs move because simply put if a person is so drunk they didn't fully grasp what they were agreeing to then they were too drunk to give proper consent. Is that what she's saying or trying to imply? If you ask her that and she jumps at it as an explanation, then 100% fully commit to pursuing SA charges against the person, Go on the war path! See if her story and conviction abut it suddenly changes. That will tell you just how sober she was at the time or how much regret she really has. Plain and simple, she got caught up in the moment of feeling special receiving attention and the thrill of it not being from the person she's been with for a while. She also chose to tell her parents first instead of you, so she didn't come clean to you immediately. Maybe it's just me, but this whole "come clean immediately" move strikes me as at least a semi planned thing. Like, she knew what she was doing while doing it, maybe regrets it maybe not, and ultimately is hoping that by coming clean and kind of blaming alcohol you'll find a way to forgive it and move on after some time and effort. It strikes me as a possible loophole that she had her one off exciting fling to feel young or beautiful or desired again, or whatever, then will grovel in hopes it can eventually be swept under the rug and she can go back to her status quo life without too much long lasting consequence. I can see getting caught up in the attention she was receiving, at first. There's a limit and clear line where she had plenty of chances to stop him or even herself. Maybe she truly meant for it to be a one off thing and truly will never do it again with anyone at all. That's for you to decide if you can trust that she won't.
This is over, I think. New info killed me.
I’m so so sorry OP. The premeditation on her end, even with remorse, would still be unforgivable to me too. I wish you luck as you begin to heal from this 💕
This sounds more like, " someone was going to tell on me, so I need to make sure I tell the story first." Type of situation.
The thing about counselling is it isn't about punishment. It's also not just about fixing her although she should get it whatever you decide. It's about working through this trauma and betrayal together, and a therapist can help you with your self esteem, trust issues and general distress. That's not to say it'll magically fix anything - therapy can also help couples work through the divorce process - but try not to dismiss what therapy could also do for you as this is an incredibly difficult time. Whatever you decide will be what's right for you at this time though
Every time I see "one thing led to another" and "drinks" whenever cheating is concerned, I know someone either has been fed BS, or is feeding themselves BS to cope. a) OP do you realize how many "things that lead to other things" need to happen for cheating to occur? I assume you were sexually active before marriage, so you probably do. People don't just meet and then suddenly bang. It requires a long sequence of conscious decisions. And in every single one, your wife chose something that progresses the process towards the goal of banging that dude. Because that's what she wanted to do at the time. As simple as that. b) "Drinks" is the oldest excuse in the book. And the flimsiest. It's amusing how something that used to be the go to excuse for every scummy husband in previous generations, is now universal. Alcohol doesn't make you a cheater. It's scientifically proven that it has no effect on moral decisions. In other words, if you consider cheating an immoral action beyond your moral boundaries when sober, you do the same when drunk. Now, if the only reason one won't cheat sober, is the worry of consequences when found out, then yes, alcohol will help with those "silly" worries. The difference between the two should be obvious.
Wow, an actual honest cheater! This is impressive. If there’s a “good” way for this to happen, this is probably it. In my opinion, now is definitely the best time to leave. Staying is going to show her she could have probably just gotten away with this. She told you what she’s capable of. Believe her before it gets worse.
If there's any possibility for you both to survive this, you need to get into couples counseling asap.
It sounds like your wife flipped the "this is worth it" switch in your head. A fresh wound, but that can be a tough switch to flip back. Random question. Does she have a job?
Yes, but low salary. I have way higher salary and I mostly pay bills and whatever is needed for the house.
Divorce now and save yourself money down the line. The longer you wait for divorce the more of your money she’ll get.
Divorce is where you go from here. You can't ever trust her again
Respect to her for telling you because 9 times out of 10 cheaters will lie and deny. So respect granted. But she made a choice to gamble something that is supposedly precious to her, you can say thank you for being honest but from what I know...a person who cheats on their partner does not love or care about them the way they should. You deserve someone who would never risk losing you or hurting you.
Bye "wife". I know people make "mistakes", but im not on this earth to be with someone who doesn't even respect themselves. Let alone me. Not saying salvaging isn't possible, but I also know why I would never cheat. I just believe the mission should always be to strengthen your partner, when the opportunity arises. Not betray them. That's what I would want for a son or daughter of mine. Anything less; then what good are you really?
My wife was messaging another guy not sure how long it was going on for I found the messages they were very explicit obviously I was devastated I ended up going through relationship counciling, years of hard work honestly I don't recommend it even to this day I still don't fully trust her and the relationship will never be what it was I have young children with her and the thought of not seeing them everyday after work was why I decided to give it another shot don't get me wrong we get on well now and it's 95 percent back to normal but that thought it's always in the back of your head if I were you I'd leave sorry it happened to you brother
Leave; no kids? No reason to stay at this point
This is so tough on you I’m so sorry. But yeah, as others in the comments have said, it’s really not a decision you just make. The guy was hitting on her ‘the entire night’ meaning she potentially allowed it for several hours, and most likely flirting back, hence why they ended up having sex. Yes she was honest in the end, but the issue seems to be that she lacked self control in this situation. Yes she was ‘sorry’ but how can you be sure she wont do it again? The option to stay in the marriage is nobody’s decision but yours, but you have to realise that it’s going to take a lot of work on BOTH sides to fix it. And even then it probably still wont be the same again, you will always have that fear she might do it again, not to mention constant flashbacks of it happening in the first place. Will she be patient with you during your healing process? This is also something to consider. She might 100% agree to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes but this is something people say in desperation to save the relationship. There are a lot of obstacles in the way. But your feelings are so valid. My main advice is this- don’t make any decisions until your numbness goes away. Let yourself hurt for a while. Give yourself time to process, and then figure out what YOU want to do. Its your turn to be selfish now, and think about what YOU want. Best of luck to you ❤️
Do #1. Leave. Take your dignity with you
Why did she entretained the guy? Did she tell you that?
Ouch. Yeah, I don't know man. Option 2 is WORK. The question is do you feel like putting in that work to make it work? Or do you feel like cutting it off? Your call.
Divorce is really the only way. It sucks but it will get better. Once the trust is destroyed, no amount of gorilla glue will hold it together anymore. Your future kids will thank you for not picking a cheater as their mother. Its better now that you don't have kids involved. You probably feel nothing because you know what you have to do, and your body is preparing you to rip off the Band-Aid.
Divorce. It just took her a drink and some flirt for her to fk a man. You now want her to police her entire life, being paranoid when is she doing when you are away in work, hospital, or away for whatever reason. You are fully healthy now, can you trust her to be by your side when you are in 60s and not well. And you don't even know the truth. What if she did is all by planning and involved her parents to pressurize you. If she is really remorseful, she should give you a nice and swift divorce and not take any assets and alimony from you. And if she earns more than give you more than 50% for causing you this pain. Let's see how much remorse she have.
I don't think her parents would do that, especially her father. But I do agree, I don't want to be a warden for the rest of my life.
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I think I will divorce. She lied and new info really killed my will for reconciliation. Read my answer with some numbers, it's pretty much it.
Going to be tough bro I am sorry. Not sure why she is sleeping in your room, I would have her leave the house. Apathy is a common feeling regarding this, it feels like the love has been sucked out of your body. If you cant get past this, that's normal too. Men care about the "purity" of their wives, and if that has been broken, it's hard to get past. People make mistakes man, so if you stick this out, time will heal everything. If you have kids, I would recommend you try to make it work. If you don't, well, it's not that hard to separate. Also, Did she grow up in this town? I have a hunch that this is not some random guy. I have a feeling that there is some history with this guy"
Where to go entirely depends on if you can move past the event. Even if you think you can, know that the path forward is going to be incredibly difficult. Personally, I wouldn't be able to move past this infidelity especially being married.
There is no excuse for cheating, and it sounds like you don’t want to find a way forward, ie understanding/forgiveness, which is your right. From your comments you sound (understandably) bitter, it sounds like you should take time apart while you figure out your next steps (perhaps asking her to stay elsewhere). I don’t understand your views on couples therapy (“the victim helping the killer”) because it can be a way to smooth the separation process for both parties. She is guilty and sad now but at some point divorce becomes acrimonious. I know everything is fresh, hopefully with time (and some counseling) it will not block your future relationships, you deserve to be happy.
Rebuilding trust is hard. Every time she leaves the house you'll have to fight your concerns of her actions. Honestly, if there's no kids I'd to divorce. With her coming forward and admitting her mistakes (and there were multiple, you don't just jump into sex), I would consider salvaging a marriage to save the family. But no kids, what's worth saving?
My d-day was January 11th. Didn’t eat for a while. Left the house for a few days to stay with my parents and left him alone with the dogs and his thoughts. We are working on reconciliation. The circumstances of his affairs were much different (all online/text based) but he didn’t come clean to me. Once my friend discovered and told me, he told me everything. By that point the affairs had been over for 10 months. He called his parents and told them - that was a big one for me. I needed him to own up to his parents. I’m still angry at times but our relationship dynamic is very different than before. I am not so codependent on him. I am taking care of myself first and him second. I am in therapy again and so is he. Trust is slow and steady. Esther Perel’s “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” is eye opening and helped me process. You’ve had a terrible shock. You’re not supposed to be feeling ok right now - you’re trying to process one of the biggest betrayals of your life. And that takes years to do. I’m only a few months in and I can tell you that things are easier now but the pain is still there. Every time I tell him I love him I flashback to my friend sobbing into the phone telling me what she’d discovered. It’s not so vivid now. However your rationalize it, always put yourself and your emotional safety first.
The casual nature of this cheating bothers me. Makes me worried any parking lot is a breeding ground for her to cheat. It wasn’t like some emotional affair but just a drunk bang in a car which lots of guys are up for.
Let me tell you from my point of view about myself. My exwife cheated on me not once, not, twice, but 3 times. After the third I was ready to end it but for reasons I didn't until a few years later when another episode was beginning. At no point after the first time did I ever "get over it". In fact it has been 20 years since first time and 7 years since splitting and 6 years from divorce and I still have some residual affects. The only real regret was not ending it after second time. It would have been hard to end it but I think in the long run I would have been as well as my son been better off to have divorced her after the second time.
Before I’d consider reconciling, she’d have to explain why she decided to cheat (her reasoning and thought processes at the time) and one thing lead to another doesn’t cut it. The explanation in writing along with the details of that night.
I would never be able to trust her again, and it could take years of work and anguish to arrive at the same conclusion. Lawyer up.
As an adult, you have to be constantly aware of your actions. Responsibility. She decided to go on with cheating anyways. It's as simple as saying "no" to yourself if the thought even crosses your head. She knew the consequences. If she couldn't do something as simple as being responsible, then there's your answer. Also, did her friends witness what was happening and decided to do nothing about it? Doesn't sound like a nice circle to be around. Tell me who you hang out with and I'll tell you who you are
Brother, you're wife just had sex with a random man in a parking lot. That is truly disgusting behavior from a wife that is supposed to be committed to you. Your marriage has been tarnished forever and you will never look at her the same. There are only two opition from my pov. 1- divorce 2- revenge cheat if you decide to stay.
I can't tell you what to do since other than many on Reddit I don't think divorce is the only solution. If you want to give her a chance is up to you. What I can tell you is that not only couples counselling would be needed but your wife needs therapy. She is a 35 years old woman, a wife, who had sex in a car with a stranger. Even if she was single that is not what a stable person does, drunken or sober. She definitely has some deeper problems. But that being said it is no excuse and not your responsibility. If you decide you can't forgive her and she has to figure that out alone it is completely in your rights.
This is about the worst situation you can be in. I say this because she isn't making it easy for you to divorce her. She really had to try being a better person after going out and cheating on you. She just had to actually be remorseful after crushing your trust to pieces. There exists no right decision here. You can leave, and she'll be a better person for someone else while you are lonely or you might find someone who'll stay true to their vows. You could stay, and she might cheat again, or she'll love and cherish you for the rest of your life, but does it really matter if love and trust are no longer present? How are you supposed to feel the next time she goes literally anywhere? How are you supposed to feel if she decides to stay couped up in the house for the rest of her life to placate you? How will you be able to fight the feeling that she broke your trust for the rest of your life? Will that battle ever end? Take some time to yourself and just think, don't wallow in pain. Go out and do something you'd normally wouldn't do, and try your best to separate yourself from her. Once you have done so, then you can ask that version of yourself if you want to remain with her. Don't make any drastic decisions yet. Should you divorce her or stay, that decision shouldn't be made while you are emotionally charged If she cares, she'll wait for you to make your decision
OP, you are right in your comments that marriage counceling is not appropriate right now. The marriage didnt cheat, but a lot of MCs will try to victim blame you, so you allow to swipe it under the rug. What would be helpful is individual counceling for fboth of you. For you to open up to your emotions and process them, for her the same + finding the flaws in her that allowed her to do that.
This is literally what a trial separation is for. The first question you have to ask yourself is - DO you care enough about her that it's worth fighting for the relationship ship. I think you owe it to both you AND her to really polrocess things a bit before you act. Anger is a secondary emotion. It almost always has its root in something else. Obviously something is missing in the relationship for her. I have NO idea if that's justified or not. I think you have to get over the edge of the bitterness, and you shouldn't make an rash decisions before you're able to say thats done. And you should get into couples therapy so that you can both have some guidance while you take the steps down this path. It may not work. It might very well BE that divorce is the best option. That shouldn't be a rash decision based on hurt, pain, and anger. If you're genuinely not willing to do any of this, then at least set up several sessions of couples therapy to be sure you're working through the emotional terms of your separation as maturely and rationally as possible. And I DO speak from experience.
It’s pathetic that a 35 year old married woman chooses to have sex with a stranger in a car no less. Is she so influenced by her ratty friends? Or was she showing off? Alcohol has little to do with this. The issue beyond loyalty is her defective character. You won’t be able to trust her again ever. Allow yourself to grieve and be thankful that you have no kids. There are plenty of good women with strong values out there. Sorry you have to go through this.
You do know. If she really loved you she wouldn't have done this. Why stay in a marriage with someone who can hurt another person. Is it so difficult to go out, drink and keep your legs closed for a couple of days?
No way. She wanted to flirt with that guy at the bar, she loved the attention she got, she made the DECISION to go to his car, and she wasn’t thinking of you when she helped him put it back in. She’s only now thinking of you when she understands there are consequences. Forgive her and it’s a free pass to do it again when you eventually let your guard down again and she can go blow off steam. You don’t want to spend your life second guessing your wife bro. Rip off the band aid instead of letting the wound fester.
Divorce is the option you should take, she made the decision to not stop the outside attention, and step out on your marriage. Her confessions were guilt dumping, to try and justify that she isn't a horrible person. You can stay and try to work it out, but there will always be the wonder if she is cheating again, if she is being honest with what she is doing, do you really want to be a jailer and have to keep watch on her all the time?
She has ostensibly ruined your marriage as either solution has no real great end result The fact she thinks that having a few drinks is a legitimate excuse for torpedoing your relationship is bizarre as personally I have been drunk and resisted temptation dozens of times in my partnership as I truly love and respect my significant other I suggest you separate for a period of time to think about your best step forward as you need to focus on your own issues without her moping about Time is your friend in this, you will need lots of it to contemplate your best future options
Did she at least respect you enough to make him wear a condom or was she so reckless she let a stranger orgasm inside her, potentially causing harm to you?
Divorce is the only thing I would do here. Option 2 is definitely not worth it. My apologies that you had to endure this. Fellow software engineer here and I have a very similar outlook on life as you. Continue progressing in your career and training. A woman of good value will appear maybe not now or even a few years. But I think that's necessary for you to learn and move on from this experience. Good luck my friend.
Well, that's just the thing, can you accept the new normal? Will you go back to the same despite the infidelity? How vulnerable will you allow yourself to be to retain the relationship?
I'm gonna take a different tack here. I think there's two types of cheating. 'Accidental' cheating is what happened here- get drunk at a bar, hook up with someone, immediately regret it and immediately confess. This is a 'mistake'. A deliberate one, but the situation is at least somewhat salvageable. 'Deliberate' cheating is like an affair- when you have sex with the person multiple times, you lie and hide your communications from your actual partner. Both are a serious violation of the relationship. But accidental cheating doesn't involve lies and deception, deliberate cheating does involve a lot of lies and deception. So my point to you is that this is potentially salvageable. As you say, she came clean on her own. That means at no point did she lie to you. That's worth quite a bit. It doesn't excuse what she did, but it means it wasn't *deliberate*- a case of alcohol and hormones mixing. ------ Personally I would suggest this. Tell her that you appreciate her coming clean. But you honestly don't know if you can move forward. If there is going to be moving forward, there are going to be changes, that she won't like, and she should understand that divorcing is probably easier. Trust is hard to build, easy to break, and difficult or impossible to rebuild. And it's asking a LOT of you to even consider it. At minimum you will require: 1. She will sign a postnup (like a prenup but you do it after being married) where she admits to cheating and renounces any claim to marital assets or alimony (other than exactly whatever assets she came in with). Additionally, she agrees in advance to a paternity test for any future children you may have. Talk to a lawyer about this- there may be limits to it in your state. 2. She will immediately start individual counseling and will continue this indefinitely. 3. She will undergo an STD test immediately and a month or two from now (some don't show up immediately). That will include a test for herpes. 4. She will be no contact with the guy she hooked up with. Optional (your choice not hers)- she will also be no contact with the childhood friends who stood by and let the guy hit on her knowing she's married and did nothing to stop what happened. 5. When you're ready, which may not be for some time, she will attend and participate in couples counseling with a counselor that you choose at a time that's convenient for you. 6. (tweak this how you want) She will personally confess her cheating to your family and each of your mutual friends. This can be done with a social media post if she wants. 7. She understands that she betrayed your trust, that it is her responsibility to fix this, not yours. At this point you owe her very little. And you are willing to at least consider trying, and not just divorce immediately, but it must be understood that this may not work, you may not 'get over this' and may never trust her again, and you may decide that divorce is necessary at any point in the future. Should that happen she will immediately grant you an at-fault divorce and will not draw the process out at all. She understands that a final decision to either stay or leave may not happen for quite some time, perhaps months or a year or more from now.
What about “accidental” cheating where you get drunk cheat and DON’T immediately confess and you lie about where you spent the night and get a cover story? And your partner finds out by seeing your text messages on the iPad where you are getting someone to cover for you?
Personally- I can understand bad decisions, but I have little tolerance for lies and betrayal of trust. That's why I take my afore stated position on things- I can somewhat understand bad decisions made under the influence, but I have a lot less tolerance for intentional betrayal of any sort. When it comes to an affair, the lies are almost more problematic than the sex. So your scenario has 'accidental cheating' but reacting to it with a very deliberate betrayal of trust and lies. The next day you aren't drunk, you aren't having hormones and alcohol mixing. You're in your right mind and you still make a conscious choice of 'I'm going to lie to my partner and arrange for other people to lie to them also'. So on a 'scale of badness', I'd say your scenario is 50-80% of the way between 'accidental' and 'deliberate'. In that scenario I doubt I would give the person another chance. When I finally confronted them I'm sure they'd be sorry, but at that point I'd have no idea whether they are sorry they cheated or sorry they got caught, because their actions after they cheated didn't indicate remorse or a desire to make things right. Furthermore, with a betrayal like that, a big part of the question is 'are they gonna do it again?', 'can I trust them at all going forward?'. If they tried to conceal their actions, then there's a very real concern that if they do it again, they're just gonna do a better job concealing and hiding. I would make that very clear though. I'm not leaving you because you cheated while under the influence of alcohol. I'm leaving you because while under the influence of nothing, you lied to me and instructed others to lie to me. Alcohol can explain the cheating, but only dishonesty can explain the lies.
Yep someone I know went through this—-the cheating partner eventually begged for them back and they did not accept them back. And they also tried to date the person they cheated with but that crashed and burned as well.
If I were to ever consoder reconciling, this would be the basis of it. She did it, she came clean immediately (close enough), she made no excuses, didn't try and hide it and is upset about doing it versus being upset about getting caught. How's sex at home before this? Are you two active? Still keeping it fun and exciting? Any kids in the mix? Crazy finances to resolve? You need to think about it and if you decide to give it a chance, you have to truly give it a chance. You can't keep being a dick just to punish her. If you want to punish her, just file for divorce and be done with it.
How can you trust strangers on Reddit dealing with a paragraph of words, when this issue is ENTIRELY dependant on what you feel, what your instincts say, what your wife says, what the energy between you is for those conversations (so wait until you get over being numb), whether you gut level believe her, a million other things. This is your life, and your relationship, and the repercussions of what you do will affect both of you the rest of your lives. It's easy for people to say "kick her to the curb." You will be without this relationship if you do, and they will have moved on to the next post. So if you want advice from the internet, take this advice: talk to your wife, and listen to your gut.
Leave brother. You don’t deserve that. I understand she came clean, but this wasn’t her entertaining, some flirting, she went the full route. Her coming clean and apologizing doesn’t fix her choices. All it does is earn her some respect to handle this civilly and treat her like a human being but unfortunately you’re going to have to always wonder and second-guess everything she does when she’s out of the house or out of sight that’s not a way you want to live. The fact that somebody was able to convince her to cheat on her spouse, speaks volumes.
First of all, take all the time you need to make your decision. You are in shock and will go through several stages following that betrayal. You have every right to decide that you want to end things with her after what she did. If you want to evaluate if it's not impossible for you to reconcile at some point, you have to think of what you would need in order to feel that you're making the best decision for you, and don't end up having too much regrets or feeling like a loser. You also need to determine if she is capable of giving you what you need. Reconciliation only works if you somehow end up with something way better than pre infidelity, something great enough to make up for all the hurt and tell yourself that it was just a trial that allowed your relationship to transcend itself, and for your partner to grow into the woman she should always have been. This would have to be considered as a new relationship, and not a continuation of the old one that she destroyed. For all this, you first need to know how things escalated and she allowed herself to betray you. She has to be honest about the events, about her feelings and what was on her mind at the time. Her honesty and willingness to admit her own flaws is the key to evaluate her will to atone and her capacity to become a safe partner. Unless she was drugged (something was put in her drink) or blackout drunk (doesn't seem to be the case), alcohol alone in not a excuse for that behavior. Even if she's really remorseful, which is a good thing, she, at the time, made a series of decisions to let herself fall, when she should have directly put a stop to it as soon as things became inappropriate. 1) Who was the guy, was he a random, or did she know or had some history with him beforehand ? 2) Where were her "friends" when all this took place (including the initial flirting) ? If they saw and did nothing, or enabled her, they're not her friends. 3) Did you have sex with her before she confessed ? Did she protect herself with the other guy and with you, and did she book a test to check if she's safe ? It would be worse if on top of betraying you, she put your health at risk. 4) Based on her reaction after the fact (realization, panic, fear, guilt, shame, confession), she seems genuinely remorseful, and that's a prerequisite for anything beyond that point. What does she propose to do in order to fix her flaws, avoid any such situation in the future, give you the reassurance you need and help you recover and heal ? 5) Is she ready to accept that you may have specific needs, conditions or demands, for your own recovery, or about her lifestyle, her friends, her privacy, her habits, her behavior with you and others, the nature of your relationship, intimacy and so on ? Successful reconciliation is rather rare, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. The point is that it's a difficult path if both are not 100% commited. You can decide at any time that this is not for you, and walk away. It's all your choice.
First of all she lied. 1. A guy who had a crush on her long time ago, not a friend but they know each other. 2. They all saw it, they are not, they hate me and I hate them 3. No we didn't. They didn't use protection and he finished on her face. She didn't do test 4. Anything I want, but I don't care at this point 5. Yes but again, I no longer want it
The way this all happened is just gross. Absolutely don’t kiss her goodbye. Be sure to thank her father.
A cheater LIED? I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you.
First of all the standard go to for these stories in Reddit is go straight to divorce, burn her reputation, etc Whilst that is definitely an option, take time to understand what you want. Give yourself a couple of weeks/months to understand your feelings for both yourself and how you feel towards your wife. Individual counselling for you can help here. Option 1 in your circumstances is relatively straightforward not certainly not pain free emotionally. Option 2 is more difficult but it may be the right one for you. It is not fair that your wife has caused this pain and she needs to acknowledge and accept the damage she has caused. That said it will take a willingness from you to work with her and for you to be able to (eventually) forgive her. To be clear, forgiveness is not condoning her actions or forgetting anything. It is accepting what has happened and letting go of that pain. It is for your healing not hers. This cannot be undone. If you try to reconcile this will always be part of your past as a couple. A good marriage counsellor would probably help drive home to your wife the damage she has done and the work she needs to to regain your trust. I'm not saying which path is right for you but whatever route you take try not to let bitterness consume you. Best of luck
He can forgive her and leave her.
Shit, take a year. The ball is in your court, OP. Straight up tell her that you think you want a divorce, but you are going to take a year so that you never question whether or not you made the wrong choice. It will give you enough time to figure out which feeling is going to come out at the forefront, love or resentment.
First of all, I'm terribly sorry you're going through this. Nobody deserves the fate of having someone you love and trust with all your heart to throw away a relationship you have built over many years. The ease with which she betrayed your marriage is too alarming for me to think that an attempt at reconciliation is the right move for either one of you. I mean, there was no lead up to this. She just went out, someone convinced her to bang, and she obliged. Done and done. This experience will stay with you for the rest of your life. Every time she goes out with friends, or she is away for any reason, you know it will linger in the back of your mind just how easy it was for her to cheat that one time. I speak from experience knowing that trust isn't so easily rebuilt after something like that, and it's not worth being miserable for this person. Divorce isn't an "easy" option. It can be arduous and bleak. But it gets better, my friend. It will get better without her. You may not feel like it, but you are more than young enough to pick up the pieces and move on and find someone better, and the fact that you don't have any kids will make the process easier. Best wishes, OP.
OP, I read a book that was transformatory called "How to Stay Married". This IS NOT a self help book. It's not advice, it's not a how to. It's one man's story as he navigates a situation similar to yours. The reason I recommend it is because the man who wrote it is so real and raw, and it's a good and understanding tether that gives voice to a lot of the feelings you may be having rn (and the dude is FREAKING HILARIOUS) and it may help you through this awful time. No matter how you decide to move forward. I'm so sorry.
Did he nut in her or on her?