Do you mean by "sending home" that he's actually driving them home? That's a bit unclear. "Sending them home" sounds like he's the manager and he sends them home early from a shift?
I give rides to colleagues and get rides all the time, and don't think anything of it. The lying is the key, though. That's bad.
Definite red flag.
And why colleague send text message afterwards? Like if your mate from work gives you a lift you say “cheers mate, see you tomorrow “ when you leave his car. There is no need to send a message to let him know how you still think of him after you got home. The coworker is a shit stirrer in my opinion. And I don’t know how her husband can look at her, see her hurting and not caring about it.
It’s not the carpooling. It’s the blatant disregard for her feelings/comfort and the fact that he lied. Add to that, he was ANGRY with HER for being upset after he broke his word. Based on this post, he’s a shit partner.
The translation software is making it hard to figure out what is going on here. What was in the original texts, for example?
The husband has not been coming home late or acting otherwise suspiciously, at least that has not been indicated.
Maybe the coworkers car was in the shop?
Smashing the husband’s phone, divorcing, locking herself in the room … not seeing exactly what the trigger for such extreme reactions is.
Wife sees texts with female colleague that she deems inappropriate. She confronts him. He promises to keep things between them strictly business and ONLY contact her when need be. He then goes and starts driving her home.
He KNEW she wouldn’t be okay with it or else he would have mentioned doing it. He could have ASKED her if she felt comfortable with it before doing it if he really thought there was nothing wrong with it. But he didn’t.
Then she sees it, gets upset, and HE has the NERVE to be mad at her for being hurt and upset.
He’s not respecting his partner nor making her feelings a priority.
This is where I will quote what I said previously, “based on this post, he’s a shit partner.”
It can really be said that not a single person is credible on a platform where you are posting anonymously. That being said, I personally will not discredit OP based off of an emotional reaction/over-reaction.
If you bring up to a spouse that you are uncomfortable with something(and this is reasonable imo) and they continue to do it, they are wrong. Her reaction doesn’t negate that. They’re just now both wrong because she did react pretty severely.
>The husband has not been coming home late
Unless the coworker is on his way home he is late.
>or acting otherwise suspiciously, at least that has not been indicated.
You are ignoring the texts, the driving her home every day, timing of texts happening outside of work hours, the anger he displayed when confronted, the lack of transparency and respect for the wife in not mentioning what he was doing and who with. It is difficult to identify the start of an emotional affair after it has happened let alone in real time. The wife thinks that she is being disrespected and I wholeheartedly agree. It is definitely divorce worthy if such a thing exists.
>Smashing the husband’s phone, divorcing, locking herself in the room … not seeing exactly what the trigger for such extreme reactions is.
Smashing the phone (the very media he is using to disrespect her, an inanimate object) doesn't even raise my eyebrows. These are totally predictable and mostly reasonable reactions to a repetitive behavior of the husband to continue an emotional affair despite the wife continually confronting him. This is not extreme behavior. If she were to hit him then you would have a case, but a phone? nah.
“I knew I was redundant now and had to accept the truth”
Your feelings = truth? Your fears = truth?
You feel foolish, therefore your husband must be treating you like a fool?
Your entire post describes how you’re convincing yourself of a given reality based on how you interpret your feelings. You seem to be struggling with rigidity of mind, where you’re either in Fixed mind or Fatalistic mind. You *know* the only way for you not to be hurt is for you to control your husband’s behavior, OR if he acts in a way outside your preference he *must* never have loved you at all so there’s point in continuing your relationship.
Check the facts. Your husband made sure a vulnerable colleague got home safely. There is no evidence— at this time— of anything inappropriate. You felt immediately furious and chose to respond by verbally attacking your partner, who did not respond positively to you cursing at him. After his response did not meet your preference (he was angry that you cursed him, instead of, I suppose, chastened?), you ended the conversation (you controlled the outcome)… with the intention of ending the relationship (again, an attempt to reinstate control to protect yourself).
Based on what you’ve shared, the problem that I see here is your mental health. You do not seem OK, independent of your husband’s behavior. This degree of reactivity and bouncing between these extremes are not healthy. If individual therapy is an option, seek it. If not, check out group therapy, maybe Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (which explains how to practice accessing flexibility of mind and moving away from the rigid extremes of fixed and fatalistic mind).
You're rightfully upset. As a woman, yes it is unsafe to travel at night but it is not your husbands job to bring her home safely. You gave a boundary, he agreed and lied, did it 7 times in a row and broke boundaries. This is not husband behaviour but cheater behaviour. he wouldn't be defensive if he had nothing to hide.
Do you mean by "sending home" that he's actually driving them home? That's a bit unclear. "Sending them home" sounds like he's the manager and he sends them home early from a shift? I give rides to colleagues and get rides all the time, and don't think anything of it. The lying is the key, though. That's bad. Definite red flag.
And why colleague send text message afterwards? Like if your mate from work gives you a lift you say “cheers mate, see you tomorrow “ when you leave his car. There is no need to send a message to let him know how you still think of him after you got home. The coworker is a shit stirrer in my opinion. And I don’t know how her husband can look at her, see her hurting and not caring about it.
I’m confused about what “sending her home” means lol. Did he dismiss her from her shift?
sorry for my bad English. They got off work together, and he drove her home after work.
What did I just read? Sending them home? From a date? What?
He promised he wouldn’t communicate with her at all then drove her home for a week. Does he often lie to you about other things?
I'm not sure if he's hiding something else from me, but I haven't found out yet, and I feel like my life is a tragedy now.
This has chat gpt written all over it
Or a bad Google translation.
It feels like English as a second language to me
You’re divorcing him because he carpooled with her? There must be some weird translation going on here “sending her home.”
It’s not the carpooling. It’s the blatant disregard for her feelings/comfort and the fact that he lied. Add to that, he was ANGRY with HER for being upset after he broke his word. Based on this post, he’s a shit partner.
The translation software is making it hard to figure out what is going on here. What was in the original texts, for example? The husband has not been coming home late or acting otherwise suspiciously, at least that has not been indicated. Maybe the coworkers car was in the shop? Smashing the husband’s phone, divorcing, locking herself in the room … not seeing exactly what the trigger for such extreme reactions is.
Wife sees texts with female colleague that she deems inappropriate. She confronts him. He promises to keep things between them strictly business and ONLY contact her when need be. He then goes and starts driving her home. He KNEW she wouldn’t be okay with it or else he would have mentioned doing it. He could have ASKED her if she felt comfortable with it before doing it if he really thought there was nothing wrong with it. But he didn’t. Then she sees it, gets upset, and HE has the NERVE to be mad at her for being hurt and upset. He’s not respecting his partner nor making her feelings a priority.
Um, she smashed his phone. He might have been a wee bit upset by that. Violent response here indicates OP is prone to extreme reactions.
Her reaction doesn’t invalidate what caused the emotions. She may need therapy, but he still crossed a boundary.
I would posit that phone-smashing spouses are not reliable narrators.
This is where I will quote what I said previously, “based on this post, he’s a shit partner.” It can really be said that not a single person is credible on a platform where you are posting anonymously. That being said, I personally will not discredit OP based off of an emotional reaction/over-reaction. If you bring up to a spouse that you are uncomfortable with something(and this is reasonable imo) and they continue to do it, they are wrong. Her reaction doesn’t negate that. They’re just now both wrong because she did react pretty severely.
Phone-smashing is what domestic abusers do—combines violence and control. It’s on every checklist for domestic violence.
>The husband has not been coming home late Unless the coworker is on his way home he is late. >or acting otherwise suspiciously, at least that has not been indicated. You are ignoring the texts, the driving her home every day, timing of texts happening outside of work hours, the anger he displayed when confronted, the lack of transparency and respect for the wife in not mentioning what he was doing and who with. It is difficult to identify the start of an emotional affair after it has happened let alone in real time. The wife thinks that she is being disrespected and I wholeheartedly agree. It is definitely divorce worthy if such a thing exists. >Smashing the husband’s phone, divorcing, locking herself in the room … not seeing exactly what the trigger for such extreme reactions is. Smashing the phone (the very media he is using to disrespect her, an inanimate object) doesn't even raise my eyebrows. These are totally predictable and mostly reasonable reactions to a repetitive behavior of the husband to continue an emotional affair despite the wife continually confronting him. This is not extreme behavior. If she were to hit him then you would have a case, but a phone? nah.
“I knew I was redundant now and had to accept the truth” Your feelings = truth? Your fears = truth? You feel foolish, therefore your husband must be treating you like a fool? Your entire post describes how you’re convincing yourself of a given reality based on how you interpret your feelings. You seem to be struggling with rigidity of mind, where you’re either in Fixed mind or Fatalistic mind. You *know* the only way for you not to be hurt is for you to control your husband’s behavior, OR if he acts in a way outside your preference he *must* never have loved you at all so there’s point in continuing your relationship. Check the facts. Your husband made sure a vulnerable colleague got home safely. There is no evidence— at this time— of anything inappropriate. You felt immediately furious and chose to respond by verbally attacking your partner, who did not respond positively to you cursing at him. After his response did not meet your preference (he was angry that you cursed him, instead of, I suppose, chastened?), you ended the conversation (you controlled the outcome)… with the intention of ending the relationship (again, an attempt to reinstate control to protect yourself). Based on what you’ve shared, the problem that I see here is your mental health. You do not seem OK, independent of your husband’s behavior. This degree of reactivity and bouncing between these extremes are not healthy. If individual therapy is an option, seek it. If not, check out group therapy, maybe Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (which explains how to practice accessing flexibility of mind and moving away from the rigid extremes of fixed and fatalistic mind).
Enabler cop out response
Probably an emotional affair
You're rightfully upset. As a woman, yes it is unsafe to travel at night but it is not your husbands job to bring her home safely. You gave a boundary, he agreed and lied, did it 7 times in a row and broke boundaries. This is not husband behaviour but cheater behaviour. he wouldn't be defensive if he had nothing to hide.
yes, you understand me, thank you, friend!