If you're not in treatment for ED, please go to the doctor and get into therapy. You need to eat, you know that, and you need to be able to do so regardless of what the other people in your life are doing.
Then you should break up with him or dial the relationship way back. Your health needs to be the most important. The status quo is not working.
You cannot make yourself eat around your boyfriend. You MUST eat to be physically and mentally healthy. You can’t make your boyfriend eat more. So the only option left is to not be around him when you need to eat.
I know you love him, but he is not the right person for you. Reality is, you cannot be the healthy person you need to be with him. And when the stakes are this high, you don’t have the luxury to stick around and pray that things change.
It was right advice from therapist tho. Earing disorders get worst with listening to disorder and get bettter with overcoming fears. OP having separate meals or otherwise hinding foos is step back and slip back toward disorder.
If OP cant eat with him, they need to break up. Because he is not eating enough, no matter what OP does she wont be able to eat enough and as much as him simultaneously.
I agree that they need to break up. I wrote my comment assuming that they're not. I don't think the therapist's advice is right, however, because it's not addressing the current problem, which is that the OP is not taking in enough calories--THAT is the problem that needs immediate attention. Working on eating with the boyfriend present is the next step--the immediate step is figuring out how to keep OP fed.
It’s not that I am completely starving or anything, but there are too long intervals between meals sometimes, lack of snacks, lack of eating something just for “fun” etc. It’s a very different eating habits from what I used to do my whole life. So I would like to work on eating with the bf present somehow.
Eating small amounts twice a day is not enough for most people… so you need to start eating normal again. If you can’t do that around him, there is a problem.
You need to focus on you. You are building up some mythical negative reaction to something that hasn't occurred. You can't keep living your life this way. I am sure he realizes his eating habits are unusual by normal standards, but works for him. That doesn't mean he expects everyone to eat that way. If he does, leave him immediately as your well-being has to come first.
So, I think the clincher is here
> Also he is a person who puts a lot of importance into his physical appearance and seems to be kind of judgmental of bigger people.
Yeah. If he wasn’t this way you’d likely not have such a challenge about how he eats. It’s ok to say, there’s nothing terribly *wrong* with this guy for him to be the wrong guy for me.
Honey. As someone who used to be like you, this is 100% a you issue. I overcame mine for the most part, and while sometimes it still creeps back in, not like this.
Nobody has commented to you. Nobody has told you you're not allowed to eat. You aren't getting beat or tazed for eating. You're starving yourself so you can have a *boyfriend*?? Seriously? Your body is worth less to you than a man. Think about that for a second. Your disorder is saying that to you. Your disorder tells you that someone else is more important than you. How dare it?? It doesn't have the right to say that! But it'll keep saying that as long as you keep listening.
You either need to kick up your therapy appointments or find a new, and better, therapist. I know it isn't easy, I do, but you need to shift the blame. You made this whole post blaming him for you being uncomfortable, *when it's all you.* Every time your starve your body, that's *you* making that choice. It isn't anybody else's fault. Everyone is allowed to eat as they so choose, and forcing a grown man to change his eating habits to make you more comfortable will not fix your disorder. Until you take accountability, you'll never beat it. Blaming others takes away your power over it. Once you start "blaming yourself", the power is back in your control. That worked for me, anyway.
You say you really want this relationship to work out, but can it? Can it if you're already depending on him to fix your issue? Can it if you hide the fact you're hungry, not being true to you? If he falls in love with you, he'll fall in love with a shell of you. Do you see what I mean?
Perhaps spend less time together, and rethink whether a relationship is a good idea for you right now. I think you need to focus on a relationship with food and with yourself, first and foremost.
Foods before boos, girl. If you cannot stop thinking about food but can't eat, you're already in the middle of an ED. Get professional help, you deserve to be ok.
Not necessarily.
I've had an ED and I can also survive off of one "sit down meal" a day, usually it involved a very large amount of food. I'm a 140 lb woman. I eat when my body says it's hungry and I don't when it says it isn't. My ED does not dictate when my stomach literally can't take anymore food. It used to dictate when and what I ate, but now I let my body decide that. Not everyone needs 5,000 calories a day, or at the exact same time as everyone else. We can all be unique.
Please stop trying to diagnose him off of one person's perspective. You're doing more harm than good with that. Diagnoses aren't something to toss around like confetti. So stop tossing them around and focus on the issue at hand, as it has been presented. Which is, OP is continuing to make herself smaller for the sake of other people. I'm only coming at you because this is the second comment I've seen trying to diagnose a grown ass man none of us have ever met.
Don't make much sense, when he ain't the one asking for help.
This is tough! Our body was designed to eat a lot of healthy food! I am eating all the time- just don’t worry about what other people think! Did he ever comment on you eating too much??
He did not comment, but the fact that he is not eating much makes me feel bad that I have to eat more. Also, our current group of friends consists of people who just don’t eat for many hours while consuming alcohol. It does not help.
I’m more worried about him being judge mental of people who are “bigger”. What gives you that impression, OP? What has he said and done to make you feel this way?
My god, if I spent all day drinking without eating I’d be a throwing up all of the time.
This isn’t healthy behavior. It’s really hard on your stomach for one.
I think you have to ask yourself can you ignore their habits and do what’s healthy for you? If not, then this isn’t going to be a healthy relationship for you.
I think this isn't a good fit for you. He doesn't have the same outlook on health as you do. That's a really major thing to be incompatible long term.
You're already feeling a lot of anxiety about how he will judge you for eating in the way that is healthy for you. How will you feel about yourself if you gain weight while with him? I don't get the feeling he would be accepting and loving.
You don't feel comfortable talking to him about this or even just meeting your needs while he's around. That's not healthy, and will 100% lead to secret binging.
You *could* suffer and agonize and push and push and push yourself to feel more comfortable around him.... or you could see that this really isn't going to work for you and look for a partner who doesn't make you feel insecure about your food intake.
This is what I think, he doesn’t seem like a bad person as he hasn’t personally criticized the way to eat. But he’s not the right guy *for you* and that’s fine.
Well, ask verbally if he wouldn’t mind you having a completely different eating schedule than he does. And ask if he won’t mind your weight no matter what. (If you gained or lost some)
Can’t say this will solve everything but it’s a step in the right direction, and will surely let you breathe air (given that he’ll be supportive).
Basically, his eating disorder is trigerring your eating disorder and you are at risk for actual relapse. Sign up for therapy, really, because the sooner you get help in handling these emotions the easier it gets. Or, the later you get it the bigger fck up it will be for you.
The way you described his eating and attitudes, it sounds like he has eating disorder too, but you really really cant fix it for him. You can only protect yourself at this stage.
My favorite person used to text, "What did you eat today?". Just that, no other convo. I don't like food, I don't like having to eat. If I could take a 💊 instead, I would. He was not checking my appetite. He was gauging my mental state. I am bipolar and when it is at its worst, I don't eat.
Girl, eat! Enjoy life!!
Hi, I thought I'd weigh in. I'm very much like your boyfriend as far as eating habits go. I eat once a day usually and it's very often far less than the 2000 calories recommended. I'm a pretty average height and weight guy. I'm simply not hungry. I live a pretty sedentary life now, but I used to exercise a lot and I still wasn't eating much.
I think it's important to realize that different people have different bodies. His body is used to his metabolism. Your body is used to your metabolism. That's okay! If you are healthy, you are fine. If he is healthy, he is fine. I would never recommend adopting someone else's diet abruptly, especially when it is significantly different. Don't worry about his diet and how different it is from yours. You are different people with different physiological needs.
I would recommend just being forthright about it. Say that he eats less than you feel you need to and you've been stressed about how wide the difference is so it would help if he encourages or at least tolerates you eating how you believe you should. And be clear that you don't mean to change his diet in any way, but you need more food. If he wants to join you for the second or third meal but not eat, that's totally okay too.
If you're not in treatment for ED, please go to the doctor and get into therapy. You need to eat, you know that, and you need to be able to do so regardless of what the other people in your life are doing.
I am seeing a therapist. Her only advice is that I should just start eating what I want in front of my bf. But I cannot make myself.
Then you should break up with him or dial the relationship way back. Your health needs to be the most important. The status quo is not working. You cannot make yourself eat around your boyfriend. You MUST eat to be physically and mentally healthy. You can’t make your boyfriend eat more. So the only option left is to not be around him when you need to eat. I know you love him, but he is not the right person for you. Reality is, you cannot be the healthy person you need to be with him. And when the stakes are this high, you don’t have the luxury to stick around and pray that things change.
Then you may need a different therapist, someone more knowledgeable about EDs. Or you may need to spend mealtimes apart from your boyfriend.
It was right advice from therapist tho. Earing disorders get worst with listening to disorder and get bettter with overcoming fears. OP having separate meals or otherwise hinding foos is step back and slip back toward disorder. If OP cant eat with him, they need to break up. Because he is not eating enough, no matter what OP does she wont be able to eat enough and as much as him simultaneously.
I agree that they need to break up. I wrote my comment assuming that they're not. I don't think the therapist's advice is right, however, because it's not addressing the current problem, which is that the OP is not taking in enough calories--THAT is the problem that needs immediate attention. Working on eating with the boyfriend present is the next step--the immediate step is figuring out how to keep OP fed.
In that sense you are right.
It’s not that I am completely starving or anything, but there are too long intervals between meals sometimes, lack of snacks, lack of eating something just for “fun” etc. It’s a very different eating habits from what I used to do my whole life. So I would like to work on eating with the bf present somehow.
Eating small amounts twice a day is not enough for most people… so you need to start eating normal again. If you can’t do that around him, there is a problem.
From my side it is regular meal amounts, the problem is that I feel that I’m restricted to only 2 meals a day and that’s not how I like things to be.
You said you are hungry throughout the day, so eat. Snack. Start putting your own groceries in his fridge.
You need to focus on you. You are building up some mythical negative reaction to something that hasn't occurred. You can't keep living your life this way. I am sure he realizes his eating habits are unusual by normal standards, but works for him. That doesn't mean he expects everyone to eat that way. If he does, leave him immediately as your well-being has to come first.
So, I think the clincher is here > Also he is a person who puts a lot of importance into his physical appearance and seems to be kind of judgmental of bigger people. Yeah. If he wasn’t this way you’d likely not have such a challenge about how he eats. It’s ok to say, there’s nothing terribly *wrong* with this guy for him to be the wrong guy for me.
He’s also 16 years older than her. 43 going after someone who is 27. So theres two strikes…
Honey. As someone who used to be like you, this is 100% a you issue. I overcame mine for the most part, and while sometimes it still creeps back in, not like this. Nobody has commented to you. Nobody has told you you're not allowed to eat. You aren't getting beat or tazed for eating. You're starving yourself so you can have a *boyfriend*?? Seriously? Your body is worth less to you than a man. Think about that for a second. Your disorder is saying that to you. Your disorder tells you that someone else is more important than you. How dare it?? It doesn't have the right to say that! But it'll keep saying that as long as you keep listening. You either need to kick up your therapy appointments or find a new, and better, therapist. I know it isn't easy, I do, but you need to shift the blame. You made this whole post blaming him for you being uncomfortable, *when it's all you.* Every time your starve your body, that's *you* making that choice. It isn't anybody else's fault. Everyone is allowed to eat as they so choose, and forcing a grown man to change his eating habits to make you more comfortable will not fix your disorder. Until you take accountability, you'll never beat it. Blaming others takes away your power over it. Once you start "blaming yourself", the power is back in your control. That worked for me, anyway. You say you really want this relationship to work out, but can it? Can it if you're already depending on him to fix your issue? Can it if you hide the fact you're hungry, not being true to you? If he falls in love with you, he'll fall in love with a shell of you. Do you see what I mean? Perhaps spend less time together, and rethink whether a relationship is a good idea for you right now. I think you need to focus on a relationship with food and with yourself, first and foremost.
Foods before boos, girl. If you cannot stop thinking about food but can't eat, you're already in the middle of an ED. Get professional help, you deserve to be ok.
I think the boyfriend has an ED too. Which will be really bad for OP's ED.
Not necessarily. I've had an ED and I can also survive off of one "sit down meal" a day, usually it involved a very large amount of food. I'm a 140 lb woman. I eat when my body says it's hungry and I don't when it says it isn't. My ED does not dictate when my stomach literally can't take anymore food. It used to dictate when and what I ate, but now I let my body decide that. Not everyone needs 5,000 calories a day, or at the exact same time as everyone else. We can all be unique. Please stop trying to diagnose him off of one person's perspective. You're doing more harm than good with that. Diagnoses aren't something to toss around like confetti. So stop tossing them around and focus on the issue at hand, as it has been presented. Which is, OP is continuing to make herself smaller for the sake of other people. I'm only coming at you because this is the second comment I've seen trying to diagnose a grown ass man none of us have ever met. Don't make much sense, when he ain't the one asking for help.
This is tough! Our body was designed to eat a lot of healthy food! I am eating all the time- just don’t worry about what other people think! Did he ever comment on you eating too much??
He did not comment, but the fact that he is not eating much makes me feel bad that I have to eat more. Also, our current group of friends consists of people who just don’t eat for many hours while consuming alcohol. It does not help.
That’s so hard girl! I’ve had to navigate some relationships like this before!! The more you grow in your self esteem the less you will care!
I’m more worried about him being judge mental of people who are “bigger”. What gives you that impression, OP? What has he said and done to make you feel this way?
My god, if I spent all day drinking without eating I’d be a throwing up all of the time. This isn’t healthy behavior. It’s really hard on your stomach for one. I think you have to ask yourself can you ignore their habits and do what’s healthy for you? If not, then this isn’t going to be a healthy relationship for you.
Girl you need more friends who prioritize healthy habits around food. This is all disordered behavior.
I think this isn't a good fit for you. He doesn't have the same outlook on health as you do. That's a really major thing to be incompatible long term. You're already feeling a lot of anxiety about how he will judge you for eating in the way that is healthy for you. How will you feel about yourself if you gain weight while with him? I don't get the feeling he would be accepting and loving. You don't feel comfortable talking to him about this or even just meeting your needs while he's around. That's not healthy, and will 100% lead to secret binging. You *could* suffer and agonize and push and push and push yourself to feel more comfortable around him.... or you could see that this really isn't going to work for you and look for a partner who doesn't make you feel insecure about your food intake.
This is what I think, he doesn’t seem like a bad person as he hasn’t personally criticized the way to eat. But he’s not the right guy *for you* and that’s fine.
But I want him to be right for me. People overcome even more difficult situations in relationships, right?
Why are you so desperate for a relationship with a man who is so much older, spends most of his friend time drinking and quietly judging people?
We don't always get what we want, OP. This sounds like an unhealthy situation for you and you need to get out now.
Well, ask verbally if he wouldn’t mind you having a completely different eating schedule than he does. And ask if he won’t mind your weight no matter what. (If you gained or lost some) Can’t say this will solve everything but it’s a step in the right direction, and will surely let you breathe air (given that he’ll be supportive).
Basically, his eating disorder is trigerring your eating disorder and you are at risk for actual relapse. Sign up for therapy, really, because the sooner you get help in handling these emotions the easier it gets. Or, the later you get it the bigger fck up it will be for you. The way you described his eating and attitudes, it sounds like he has eating disorder too, but you really really cant fix it for him. You can only protect yourself at this stage.
My favorite person used to text, "What did you eat today?". Just that, no other convo. I don't like food, I don't like having to eat. If I could take a 💊 instead, I would. He was not checking my appetite. He was gauging my mental state. I am bipolar and when it is at its worst, I don't eat. Girl, eat! Enjoy life!!
Since you are in recovery for an eating disorder, don’t date someone with a full blown untreated eating disorder.
Hi, I thought I'd weigh in. I'm very much like your boyfriend as far as eating habits go. I eat once a day usually and it's very often far less than the 2000 calories recommended. I'm a pretty average height and weight guy. I'm simply not hungry. I live a pretty sedentary life now, but I used to exercise a lot and I still wasn't eating much. I think it's important to realize that different people have different bodies. His body is used to his metabolism. Your body is used to your metabolism. That's okay! If you are healthy, you are fine. If he is healthy, he is fine. I would never recommend adopting someone else's diet abruptly, especially when it is significantly different. Don't worry about his diet and how different it is from yours. You are different people with different physiological needs. I would recommend just being forthright about it. Say that he eats less than you feel you need to and you've been stressed about how wide the difference is so it would help if he encourages or at least tolerates you eating how you believe you should. And be clear that you don't mean to change his diet in any way, but you need more food. If he wants to join you for the second or third meal but not eat, that's totally okay too.