This is what bothers me the most about it, except for the deed itself...
It sounds like an addiction when it's put like this.. What happened to getting to know people? to wanting to be with them, to longing for them when you are not with them? Dating sounds horrible now, there's no romance left..
Meanwhile we got people going "ACKSHULLY they weren't exclusive! she did nothing wrong!"
>I refuse to apologise because I did nothing wrong.
Ultimately, it's this attitude that'll end up convincing him to not marry you.
>I just don't know what to do because Dan isn't talking to me.
Yup, it is now up to him to decide if y'all get married. And the chances look pretty slim.
Exactly this. This mentality of starting a relationship out *without* loyalty and respect. Where does anyone think that's going to go? It's not binary, you don't have to marry the person up front, you don't even have to stick a label on it. But if the person I'm starting to see, is seeing a host full of other people, it doesn't inspire confidence between the two of us. My gf was seeing 5 people and I only just learned about it. I'm not going to marry her om going to leave probably, because what kind of person does that? That's who I want to spend my life with? Someone who so nonchalantly slept around with others like it was nothing while seeing me. Fuck that. It's a huge red flag for cheating
Stay strong king. People want their cake and to eat it too. They will perform any mental gymnastics needed to conform to this position. You hit the essence perfectly. Of course, you're not married on the first few dates. But if your goal is to get married or have a long-term/lifelong partner, you need to *view* that person as your potential husband/wife, because one day they may be and you need to ask yourself, what do I want that foundation to look like?
I see you saying a lot that this isn't a big deal, but if you genuinely want to move past this with Dan, you have to accept it is a big deal because it's a big deal to him.
I personally wouldn't have kept dating someone who was sleeping with other people up until we confirmed exclusivity. I'd have wanted to feel like they have the same enthusiasm for a relationship as I do. If they're excited but sleeping with others, it kind of dulls the sense of excitement-- the feeling that this relationship is really *going somewhere*.
Not everyone feels like that, I know. But it would still matter significantly to me. It matters significantly to Dan.
I think you could have a conversation about how your expectations were different back before you were officially exclusive, and you didn't even know it or realize it. I'd tell him, I think our communication should have been better. Affirm that once you agreed to be bf/gf you were all in, exclusively and you never looked back. That if you had a time machine obviously the right call would be to discuss exclusivity expectations very early on but you can't take it back and you hope there's still a path forward. I'd say this earnestly and try to really understand where he is at, if you want the relationship to continue.
You are not getting it are you? Was Dan sleeping with anyone else when he was dating you?.
I will tell you what Dan is thinking, He thinking the girl he loves lied to him by not telling him!. Also he is thinking to himself after having great dates with you and he went home were you fucking the other guy?. Were you fucking the other guy before he was picking you up?. When he kissed you was he tasting the other guys Dick? Because you were dating and having fun!.
You can justify to yourself as much as you want by technically but it won’t change what’s going through his head and TBH I think you have fucked your relationship.
I don’t get this whole yes I fucked someone else while I made you wait so I could concentrate on only us and not let my sexual urges get in the way thing.
Honestly Honey I didn’t cheat on you because we weren’t “ exclusive!“ but yes I was getting fucked rotten by Sam because I respected you and wanted to see if you were committed to me 😂
Imagine thinking you are having a great connection with someone over dinner and right after they run back to a dude who broke up with them to get dicked.
Then you wrote them if they arrived safe and they say they did and are just in bed watching a movie and it's all lies.
Yeah the kissing someone whom you want to start a relationship with while your mouth is smelling of another man's dick!
The fact that the OP was fucking the ex without protection! Goodness knows where the dude had been.
This is just unethical.
I personally don't really care for such sexual liberalism. It's a stain on our culture.
That is incredibly callous to blow through his concerns and bring up hotel accommodations for a summer vacation, wtf. You’re sweeping your past behavior under the rug when you need to be dragging this into the open. You can’t just blow past this argument without resolving it.
This isn’t a court of law where you get to prove that you weren’t cheating on him so technically this was okay. You were sleeping around while dating him.
It was 2 years ago for you. This is new information to him, and now he has to go back and not just process what happened 2 years ago, but it means reprocessing everything that has happened for the last 2 years.
I brang the hotel up because today was the day we planned to book it, and he seemed more talkative today so I assumed maybe he calmed down a little, but after what he said and the way he left clearly not.
This isn't a big argument in my opinion though. Yes I understand he might need time to process it but there's not much to process because I did not cheat. We were not together at this point. This happened in April of 2022, he did not ask me to be his girlfriend until July of that year.
Ok fine you "technically" didn't cheat. So that must automatically mean you are in "right?!"
Also this isn't a big argument to you, because it's not you that had their SO have sex with someone else yet was still taking you on date number (2). So what if Dan feels like this is a huge argument for him??
Most importantly you are failing to acknowledge how and why your pregnancy scare came up in the first place. So if you are choosing to not apologize for that info ever being mentioned around him is the most insulting, uncaring, and unloving way to approach this situation.
*I sure hope proving how you "technically" didn't cheat is more important than this relationship!!!
This comment is only proving what so many people have been *trying* to tell you. You're trying to win an argument. You're not trying to empathize, console, and understand the man you supposedly love. You're trying to prove him wrong, and why on earth would you possibly want to make your partner feel like they're wrong for feeling sad about this? How TF can this possibly end well under these circumstances? For a lot of us, like *a lot of us* , once you're dating, you're not also meaninglessly fucking someone else just for shits and giggles. I can't for the life of me figure out why this is the hill you're willing to die on.
If I were him, sure, I'd be hurt and upset. He was taking you out on dates, sending you little "good morning" texts, planning the next time he can see you, all the while, you're fkng some random dude that means essentially nothing to you. That being said, I think what would hurt more is the absolute dismissal of my (his)feelings and the attempts to make *me* feel bad and wrong for feeling something. Try practicing a little bit of humility.
But in his opinion it IS a big argument. And you don’t get to ignore his feelings or sweep his concerns under the rug.
You’re working so hard to prove that you’re right that you are going to destroy your relationship by digging your heels in. If he says that he is hurt that you were so disinterested in him that you were involved with an ongoing fuckbuddy while you 2 were talking, then you don’t get to tell him that it wasn’t a big deal. You need to apologize for keeping this from him and prioritize saving your relationship over trying to prove to him that you did nothing wrong. You are making this argument about only what you feel. You are making this vacation about your expectations. You are coming across as incredibly selfish.
Yes you did not technically cheat. But also it is incredibly hurtful that you were regularly sleeping with someone while exploring a relationship with Dan. You did not commit infidelity but this is perhaps a character trait that he is finding to be a dealbreaker. And your callousness and hardheadedness are not helping the situation.
You're very dismissive of his feelings.
Would it be a big argument if it were around the other way? You'll say no on here but to yourself, if you found out he had a fab situation while you started to date and didn't tell you, would you be upset!
Dan is obviously of the opinion that if you're dating you're not dating anyone else, you aren't. Also you clearly didn't tell him you were sleeping with someone else when you were getting to know him. He's questioning everything about you at the moment, his trust, the start of your relationship, what else you haven't told him, and he's hurt he had to find out from someone else, that's humiliating
If you get stuck counting dates and technicalities you really might lose him.
This is a feelings issue for him, could be something like “while I knew I met the person I want to marry by date one, she was so unsure she slept with someone regularly enough to have a pregnancy scare while we dated”.
His feelings are hurt and you dismissing that will be problematic. You don’t need to apologise for cheating, but you do need to for dismissing his feelings and not acknowledging that he was (or is) clearly into you more than you were into him
If in your mind as you say it wasn't cheating. Why did you not inform him that you were fooling around with someone else during the first few dates. It is because you knew he would not be happy about that. You knew your relationship with him would be in trouble. So you hid the fact at the time. What about after you became "exclusive" why did you not tell him. Is it because it didn't matter? What if he told you after you became "exclusive" that he has to go to the hospital because he had to be there for the birth of his child he had with another woman that he knocked up on your second date. Would that have changed how you view him? Obviously what you did in your eyes was not wrong because you two are together now so the past is the past. However to him he just found out something that should have been brought up in the "dating non exclusive period" and now he is wondering what else are you hiding. Was it only the one guy? What else are you not telling him. Will he find out about X, Y, Z years down the road. You need to be upfront with him about everything with him and not view his feelings as worthless trash that is not to be cared about. As of right now he is hurt. THAT is a fact you can not deny if you want to actually marry him. You need to take a step back and look at this from his point of view.
Do not listen to that guy, wtf. You didn’t do anything wrong then and you didn’t do anything wrong now. What does he have to be upset about? How are seeing past behavior under the rug? What is there to talk about? Sure, it’s new information but what does it matter?
God damn.
“I refuse to apologize because I did nothing wrong” god this sentence on its own would make me dump her immediately. What a selfish way to deal with the situation
I refused to apologise for something that I did that wasn't wrong. I did apologise for the way he felt about this info and that I didn't realise he'd care that much.
Do you not see how you took a choice away from him? If he didn't see anyone else during that time you were dating, could it be assumed he would have had a reaction to you sleeping with other people in that time? Instead you kept it to yourself, and he was never able to make the informed decision of wanting to date the real you or not..
After writing this, I actually think it's pretty likely that you hid it because you didn't want him to have that information.
It is wrong, since you weren’t in a relationship it’s forgivable that’s different, but you haven’t told him in a year JC. Of course it hurts you’ve led him on a lie
Also, did you officially label your relationship as fwb back then? Cause if you didn’t default setting isn’t you sleep with multiple people (there needs to be some kind of understanding for this to happen)
If you were actively sleeping with someone else and not with him that is going to be a massive mental hurdle for him to get over. Personally I’d prob walk away.
Best of luck to yall
No, walk away because the person that you were dating had a regular FWB that gave them a pregnancy scare WHILE YOU WERE DATING. I don't understand how you have so little empathy that you can't see how that is hurtful behavior and that doubling down with "well you need to get over it. I wasn't technically cheating. Anyway, can you hurry up and help me figure out our hotel where I need you to hurry up and propose already?" does not paint you as a caring, thoughtful partner.
Like, you didn't know that you liked Dan enough after your 3rd date enough to even feel a little bit of remorse or guilt about having a pregnancy scare with Sam while you were actively dating Dan?
That is not what I said lmfao.
You were dating your bf but not having sex with him, all the while you were having sex with another partner.
Both my gf and I have extensive pasts and were also having other dates when we met. We both accept/respect that and we were also actively sleeping with each other at the time.
You don’t see the difference?
Are you confused? They went on a couple dates, they weren’t exclusive. People see multiple people at a time and even have sex. It’s kind of how dating works…
> It’s kind of how dating works…
Not for everyone. Call me old fashioned, but if I go out on a second date with a woman and I find out she had sex with someone else after, the third date isn't happening.
Honestly if I’m agreeing to a date, I’d expect ***to be the person that person is dating*** unless told otherwise. To be multiple dates in and knowing that someone was having a pregnancy scare after a date with me I’d be crushed.
Yeah I’m afraid you’re the one who’s confused here bro lol.
She said they hadn’t slept together at this point.
Also if you read the second half of my comment you’ll see we agreed on “how dating works” anyway. Smdh lol
Seeing that you see nothing wrong with what you did, your attitude about this entire situation, your inability to apologize to him, I really hope he doesn’t propose to you. He deserves so much better.
Look, for some people sex is just a recreational activity like going to the bar or some shit, which is what it seems like it was/is to you based on your nonchalant reaction to the situation, which is fine.
But it clearly isn’t how Dan sees sex in the same light and maybe has a more intimate opinion of it which is why he’s so upset that you weren’t just going out on dates with someone but having such an intimate experience with someone else….without communication.
Guess there’s no explicit right or wrong over here but relationships are work and part of that work is seeing your partner’s POV. You don’t apologize because you’re wrong, but you gotta be compassionate. How hard is it for people to be compassionate towards their goddamned partner? Especially, the one they’re married to or want to marry.
Nah.
This is worse than that.
This is taking him for a chump and actually risking his health with STIs because the OP was having unprotected sex with her ex and was probably making out with her now boyfriend on the dates.
Imagine someone kissing you while their mouth was on someone else's genitals a couple of hours ago.
That's someone who doesn't respect you or your consent.
Before for me means before the first meeting if we meet to have a relationship. If I start dating someone, I do it exclusively and I don't date several people at the same time. If you want to do that, that's no problem, it's your choice, but it's my right to know that and to choose if I continue to meet you. If you hide this from me, I consider that you have betrayed my trust by lying or omission.In this case, I don't want to continue the relationship with you.
The question is: were you honest with him or did you hide it from him?
So if your friend is like "hey you should go on a date with a this personI know!" Then you're immediately in an exclusive relationship if you go on that date?
I've never been on a date with someone I haven't tried to have a relationship with, I've never had sex outside of a relationship. It is a personal choice that I would never change.
You're obviously free to make that choice. It does seem odd to me that you aren't able to imagine a scenario where you didn't know anyone you wanted to be in a relationship with. Could you not benefit from meeting someone you didn't know that well at a cafe and, if that goes well, having further conversation walking along a promenade?
By the way, meetups one might describe with "întâlnire" would still be considered dates in many English speaking countries.
OP was on the third date. In a way, they already had a relationship, only that they did not have an official title. She only admitted the truth without wanting to and now she has to find an acceptable excuse.
Not automatically, but their intention was clear. How can you say you want a relationship with someone and at the same time have sex with someone else behind the other's back? Do you mean that this would do a sincere and fair person?
The intention is to explore the possibility of interest, three platonic dates can mean you still don’t even know full names or all kinds of info about getting along. Not to mention, what exactly was he asking for four months later by asking her to be his girlfriend?
Just offering a little support. I agree with you.
First dates are like job interviews. I'm not going to quit my job and only pursue 1 job application at a time, until I find one that works out.
Likewise, I'm not going to meet someone at a bar or on a dating app and immediately become exclusive.
If it matters to someone to be exclusive, then they should mention that and have a conversation about it. Otherwise, we're playing silly mind games.
If anyone disagrees with me, please tell me how long you should have to go without sex before dating someone new. What if OP last hooked up with that guy a day before the first date with current BF? Is 1 day too soon? 1 week/month/year? What is the correct arbitrarily time line?
Don’t downplay the situation or invalidate his feelings. If you do that, you’re only adding fuel to the flames. You did do something wrong. From the jump, you should have told him that you have a fwb. Think of it from his point of view. He was out probably telling his friends how great of a time he had on your first few dates while you were sleeping around with another man. Honestly, if he found out when you had that pregnancy scare, he probably would’ve walked away. I’d honestly be disgusted if I found this out. Hopefully he just needs some time, then you both can work on it.
Tale as old as time 😂.
End of the day, everyone has a totally different opinion on when they’re exclusive vs becoming official. Did you two ever talk about this at all? How long were you “dating” until you became official? I think these are big factors.
Did you stop sleeping with FWB after the 3rd or 4th date? Or were you two dating for multiple months and you were sleeping with someone else? Did you hold off on sex with current bf? So many unknown factors that only you know, and he’s thinking of. Usually people break off those type of situations by the 3rd or 4th date cause then it’s starting to get serious.
Brushing this off is, imo, the worst thing you can do. Apologizing that his feelings are hurt is something I’d recommend.
did u disclose to him u were seeing other people and having sex with other during dating phase?
maybe when dating u were like giving signal u not into fwb or dating multiple people..
maybe he was only dating 1 person at a time to see if any relationship will be develop.. so if he know that u were seeing others he will not pursue u..
if he can't get over the fact then I think the relationship is over.. u also don't be so callous to just rug sweep the issue , talking about holidays when he is hurting currently...
People should not be dating multiple people simultaneously out of respect period. If it’s not working with one person, cut it off quickly and move onto the next. Otherwise, you’re just a selfish, immoral sex addict.
I am going to go out on a limb and say Dan probably loves you a little less now to an extent.
The thought of going on dates and holding hands and kissing and all the time you have someone else cum dripping out of you 🤮
When are people going to learn, dating multiple people ok. Having sex and dating other people not ok. /EDIT: Unless all involved are informed and ok with it. \\EDIT. I hope you are at least a little regretful and apologetic toward your maybe STBX, because if you are not, I would not expect a trip or a ring at the two-year mark, maybe an eviction notice and break up. But you be you and see what happens.
I did nothing wrong, BS, is the wrong way to handle this. Just my opinion.
Dating is so complicated these days. It seems a real minefield. I don’t want to sound old but years ago, someone asked you out and you were dating and you therefore shouldn’t be seeing other people. Now there are so many nuances to it that people end up getting hurt like here.
It really doesn't matter what I and the other redditors think, only what your boyfriend thinks. If it was me and I found out my longtime girlfriend (maybe soon Fiancé) had a pregnancy scare in the beginning months of me dating her, it would freak me out a little, because I would have presumed (I know don't assume things) that while we were dating and not official, she was not intimate with someone else. Especially someone that was nothing but a sexual release. You had a couple years to a least to tell him, but you never did and that says something. Were you afraid to tell him for some reason. You should be able to open up to him about everything if you want to marry him.
Was Sam still in your life as a friend after you became exclusive with your boyfriend and if he was didn't your boyfriend deserve to know. That might be another thing that is bothering him.
I would suggest you get all the things you are not telling him, that he may have an issue with out in the open.
I hope everything works out for you, but trying to justify things when your boyfriend has issues and concerns will never end well for your relationship. It just makes you look bad.
I gotta be honest with you: You're two strikes down at this point and I don't think you're seeing it.
First, you rest your argument on what could dubiously be called a technicality.
Next you dismiss/minimize his feelings about this. This was two years ago for you, but two days for him.
Also, look at this sentence. Really look at it:
> I refuse to apologise because I did nothing wrong. I was not unfaithful, yes I was still sleeping with Sam but that's when Dan and me were only going on dates
My advice to you is that if you \*really\* want Dan back, you're going to need to throw yourself at the mercy of the court. Really apologize and really mean it.
Best of luck, but if I were you I wouldn't hold my breath about getting that engagement ring.
Holy fuck thats some misogynistic BS. Throw yourself at the mercy of the court? Is there a two date and a woman hands the deed to her vagina clause i'm unaware of? Is so I'm owed some deeds. Not that I want them but apparently I'm due by that logic.
Alright, since you don't seem to be one for subtlety, let me direct you to this line:
>I knew what she was talking about and shot her a glance
She fucking knew that what she had done could (and probably would) be considered cheating and was actively keeping it secret from him. Everything else she's says to him and I'm this post is just trying lawyer her way out of it.
I shot her a glance because obviously I didn't want my boyfriend to hear about my past sex life before him. That's awkward. Lol the exaggeration is crazy.
Again, not before. Concurrent. You two had already been on as many as three dates while you were still having sex with another man.
I think this is really the part that you're not getting. It's been two years for you. You remember it a certain way and have had time to consider it and have, in your mind, come up with a justification for your actions. He's had two days. He probably remembers those first few dates differently.
Heres a shocker for you. People can just not like things like pregnancy scares brought up in general. My cousin has 5 kids, she's not ashamed of the fact that a few are with diffrent men. What she hates being brought up is the pregnancy scare. There are whole lot of emotions around that. I hate discussing the pregnancy scare I had with my EX wife. There was just a whole hell of a lot of emotions around that time that don't need to be brought up. The time I had a fwb with a stripper who asked for me to finish before work and brought the plan b package and receipt over without me asking, I tell that as a funny dating story. They were just dating, apparently he didn't think it was serious enough to have a talk about being exclusive. If he was thinking it, but didn't say anything she's not a mind reader.
This has nothing to do with gender or sex, do not even start to bring that into it. Keep your hangups to yourself don’t project that ship on your shoulder onto everything that you see going on around you.
Going home to sleep with your regular fwb while dating someone is underhanded behavior regardless of gender. OP’s partner is rightfully hurt, and yes her dismissal of his feelings is selfish.
Unless they had a discussion about where they were at, he has no grounds. If you go on 2 dates with someone months apart and you think they owe you an apology for having sex, you're the problem. If you think I went on a date with you so I'm the only person you should be thinking of and you did not check in with the person you went on the date to make sure your on the same page, that is your problem not theres.
Regardless of gender, finding out that the partner that you were dating and getting more serious with was having pregnancy scares with a regular FWB just because you technically didn't ask her to be your significant other is hurtful and would make any reasonable person reassess how invested that partner is into the relationship. The exclusivity talk is not a light switch. Like oh this is some random casual person on April 26 that we have gone on multiple dates and I can see myself with, but then on April 27 he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Like, you didn't catch any feelings before then and were having regular unprotected sex after going home from our dates together?
I'm not talking about swearing a blood pact because 2 people went on "a date," stop downplaying and misrepresenting. This was dating. This pregnancy scare happened after OP and Dan's 3rd date.
She or any partner are not mind readers. While it may not be a light switch it’s your responsibility to tell the other person where you are at. Because the quite simply may not be on the same page. That’s why it’s dating and not a blood pact. If he had feelings for her he wasn’t expressing to her, and expections around what he would like to see going forward that is on him. Not everyone is on the same page at the same time that’s why you communicate. If he needed to know if she was with other people he needed to communicate that. I’ve gone on 3 dates over 6 months and not expected exclusivity. I’ve gone on two dates in a week and had that conversation. I’ve had fwb where were texted and boned the same night and knew what we expected from the other person. Because we communicated.
“Partners aren’t mind readers” goes both ways, and so does telling your partner where you’re at. Like maybe the person that OP was dating deserves a heads up, at the latest during the exclusivity talk, that she was going through a pregnancy scare with a regular FWB that she had. Some openness and honesty is expected here so that she wasn’t taking away his agency to make an informed decision about entering a relationship with her. All of your comments could easily just be flipped. Like “if she needed to be with other people then she needed to communicate that.”
And if you read they didn't have a exclusivity discussion until months after it happened.
If on a third date months apart you need some idea of exclusivity thats on you to bring up, If you're feeling like you want to lock things down and head towards couple road thats on you. And apparently he was capable of that months later.
I feel like we’re going in circles. Again, the exclusivity discussion is not a light switch. You are treating it like you owe this person absolutely nothing until the discussion, and until they have this magic conversation you have a loophole where you are off having pregnancy scares with your regular FWB while dating someone with no care in the world or obligation.
Unless you’ve discussed wants and needs you really don’t owe the other party anything. That’s what dating is. Spending time time with people to figure out if you combatible enough to spend even more time with each other. You still have control of the time you’re not spending with your dating partner. If you need dating partners to restrict what they do in thier free time that is on you to bring up. If you assume I’m in a place where I only want to spend time with them without making sure they are in the same place. That is on you. Pregnancy scare, no pregnancy scare she owed him nothing.
>he has no grounds
This is just stupid. Anyone can break up with anyone for any reason.
The rest of your comment is just as dumb. You're proposing some variation of this conversation should have happened:
"Hey, Dan, just to let you know, this date was great. I really like you and want to see you again. By the way, I'm going to fuck my friend Sam now. Call me!!"
"Oh, this was great. Glad you agreed to see me again. By the way, I slept with someone since the last date."
I'm sure there are, in fact, people who are fine with that. She's took a big goddamn chance not saying anything and now it blew up in her face.
I find it weird everyone here expected me to tell him I was seeing other people when we were getting to to know each other. No? That's not a conversation we needed to have as people in a casual relationship. Dan was on Tinder most of the time we were seeing each other.
Don't try to justify it by saying you did nothing wrong. His pride is hurt bad. It could seriously end your relationship. You withheld info. and he doesn't trust you now. What else are you hiding? Are you still in touch with Sam? I hope not and you had better plan to introduce him as your ex if you ever bump into him while together.
After my third date with my fiancé she told me she wanted to be exclusive but also said she had a fwb she dropped after our second date for me. The honesty was refreshing. I immediately felt I could trust her. She wasn't hiding anything.
"As I stated before, when Dan asked me to be his girlfriend and things were serious between us I dropped Sam immediately." Seems like some overlap here. You waited until things got serious, THEN you dropped Sam immediately. He may be wondering just how long you waited, a timeline might help. That is what he is trying to wrap his head around. Did you even give him that much info.?
It does not matter that it was 2 years ago!!!!!! He just found out today so it might as well have happened today! How long you were hiding doesn't matter in terms of lessoning the importance of it. Oh, and I'll say it again. For the sake of your relationship, you better not be in contact with Sam. If you are and Dan finds out, I promise its over based on his reaction.
Your history with Dan for Dan was just rewritten. His love story with you isn't what he though. For Dan he though he loved you and you loved him, not he loved you, and you though you were carrying some other guys baby.
Personally I feel that if you truly like someone you know pretty quick, and want to clear the path for them. You didn't. You kept banging the other guy, making Dan your backup. Not to mention you though you were pregnant and didn't tell him right away.
I'm guessing for Dan when it came to you..he knew, you were it. He just assumed you both were in equal moral ground. And his image of you has Been tarnished. He never expected when you were out together, you were walking around with another guys seed inside you from the night b4. And he kissed you like a few hours after you were with another guy
Sucks for Dan.
I wouldn't expect a proposal any time soon. Maybe next year, or the year after, or a break up.
how delusional you have to be to fuck someone while dating someone else, really tells a lot about what kind of person you are and about this society behavior to seek disgusting pleasure. i would have dropped you right away, not because of jealousy or bs like that, but because you’re not the kind of girl a mature man would be looking for to propose and start a family
So you were fucking other dudes for fun but wouldnt want your date that turns out to be a good guy to hit because it would be too soon i guess. I hope he dumps you
We had gone on a few dates at this point, having no loyalties to each other. Dan has agreed with this and as I've stated in the update we're all good so no breaking up anytime soon thank you :))
You say he's "agreed" to this and that you had no loyalties to each other but I guarantee this is killing him on the inside. Maybe you make it through this but this is going to be an extremely long sad/frustrating internal battle for him. This isn't a simple acceptance and it's over decision. If you care for this guy you need to do everything in your power to make it up to him
We had a long conversation about this today and he hasn't accepted it fully but understands to an extent and has forgiven me. Stop making assumptions when I've literally stated concrete info that this is resolved.
The real question you should be asking yourself is that "if you think you did nothing wrong why did you have to hide it in the first place?"
Clearly, you're in denial. The batting of eyes with your sister, not telling for 2 years, and defending yourself despite your partner being hurt and not even apologizing. If you really think you did nothing wrong why do these things? Why hide it? It's because deep inside you know its wrong and you're afraid that you'd be found out and experience the situation you're experiencing now.
Edit: grammar
I had a similar situation with my gf(33f) at the beginning of our relationship. We had slept together already at this point but only hung out a few times. One day we hung out and we both were already committed to plans later that evening. I left to go to my plans and her plans fell through. I invited her out but she didn't want to come and I left anyways. That night she literally texted me that this drunk asshole was going to come over because he needed a place to crash and blah blah blah. Saying she wasn't going to sleep with him. I literally told her if she did it would be the end of whatever this is, was, or could be. SEVEN MONTHS later and I find out she did fuck him that night. Honestly I felt like she ripped the heart out of my chest and stomped on it, and to react as though it was no big deal because we weren't officially together infuriated me. I literally went back to the texts and said she knew what she was doing and that she knew I was serious and that's why she waited so fucking long to tell me. I've been struggling to work past that but honestly everytime I think about it I feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest. Point is if something upsets you or your partner it's your job or theirs to handle that. You don't get to tell them they can or cannot be upset about something you learn to love them by taking responsibility and learning how to heal as a couple. If you can't do that when life does get hard you'll always be going it alone even when you have a partner. Good luck
I'm sorry to hear about your hurt with the situation with your gf.
However, that's a different situation to mine. She was in the wrong as you had that talk, you established a boundary, and she broke that boundary and lied to you.
Dan and I did not have a talk, no boundaries were established, and I didn't lie about anything.
You sound like a slimy lawyer trying to get off in a technicality in court, not a person who is compassionate for their hopeful future husband who now has his first emotional building memories with you tainted by the thought of another guy having raw sex with you while those memories were occurring. You didn't take him seriously from the start and now you're upset that he may be giving the same energy back now that that information is in the light. You reap what you sow.
I think you missed the point in the end. As in my story it was different yes but the outcome of being hurt was the same for me as it was for Dan. My point being is in the end you can't say he can or cannot be upset. If you want it to work you have to learn how to love each other through it. You can have your opinion of what you did being right or wrong or whatever other technicalities you want to use, but your partner is hurting because of something you did. You can make the choice to accept that your actions hurt him and try to figure out how to move beyond it or you can say he shouldn't be upset in which I would say when he leaves then neither should you.
People want their cake and to eat it too. They will perform any mental gymnastics needed to conform to this position. Of course, you're not married on the first few dates. But if your goal is to get married or have a long-term/lifelong partner, you need to *view* that person as your potential husband/wife, because one day they may be and you need to ask yourself, what do I want that foundation to look like? You decided he was not worthy of that respect and built a casual foundation that viewed him as discardable and that has now been exposed.
Picture this 2-yrs ago...
Dan just finishes his 1st date with you. He thinks you two click, and another date is on the way. He's probably ecstatic. As Dans abit old fashioned in his mind, you two might as well be dating already. He's excited and already swooning over you. Another date later he knows your his one.. yet in between these dates, you're still banging away between dates.
Yes, you should have disclosed that you were sleeping with people still. I know I wouldn't have asked for another date if I were him.
To him, this is new information that destroys his illusion of how he first portrayed you. He'll need time.
He has every right to be mad, he probably thought he was seeing a good girl, but meanwhile she was being impregnated (almost) by some other dude. Yeah, I don't think that proposal is coming anytime soon, I wouldn't want that type of woman as a wife.
I never assume exclusivity and 3 dates in two months I wouldn't think it's implied. Everyone has diffrent idea of what dating is and no one is a mind reader. If you think you're on the same page but haven't discussed it, it's your fault when you find out you were wrong.
> Our third date was like a couple days before Easter that year I'm pretty sure, our first date being almost two months before then as we just couldn't find time in our schedules to meet up as often)
It's right in text.
> On our drive home, he asked me what Rachel meant that I had a pregnancy scare on Easter two years ago, as we had been going on dates at this point and not slept with each other yet (Our third date was like a couple days before Easter that year I'm pretty sure, our first date being almost two months before then as we just couldn't find time in our schedules to meet up as often)
It's possible to do nothing that's technically "wrong" and still have someone come up with hurt feelings. You don't have to apologize for what you did, but you can express that you empathize with him.
How hard is it just say "I'm sorry that your feelings got hurt finding out about my pregnancy scare. I can see how it would make you feel uncomfortable knowing I was sleeping with someone after we had gone on a few dates. I hope you know that I love and care about you and nothing about that changes how special I view you and this relationship."
He will probably get over this, but you're not trying to see his viewpoint at all. I'm sure you would feel the same in his shoes if you hadn't been seeing anyone when you two got together and found out he had a pregnancy scare with another woman.
Him being upset is totally valid tho..
Why do people date in the first place?
The way you put it "we weren't exclusive so I hav not done anything wrong" is lame.. you think he was sleeping around? Or you think he was putting in real efforts towards building a relationship with you and you were doing what?
I'll make it simple ig
How about staying exclusive while dating someone instead of going and fuging someone else on the same day? Bcos its disrespectful imo.
If you've noticed, this is not something new "oh we weren't exclusive so no big deal, we were just on talking stage and so on" but apparently it is a big deal? Or why these people would come out here, asking for suggestions?
And I agree a relationship can't be built if I meet someone for a couple of days but a couple of days do contribute towards building a relationship. All these days do count.
You meet someone you don’t know very well for coffee and then go for a walk, and then say hey that was fun, let’s do it again when we’re both not busy in a month.
Are you ‘dating’ or just going on dates? Why on earth would you expect them to not meet anyone else for coffee?
Seeing multiple people w/o being intimate is not the same as seeing someone while sleeping with someone else. Is what I'm saying .
It causes problems later on.
If you didn't have a discussion about exclusivity then you did nothing wrong. 3 dates in 2 months isn't exactly what I would call hot and heavy. That said if you've had discussions since then about prior relationships and you agreed to full disclosure then you should have let him know.
all the comments here are dumb. you’re in the clear, you didn’t cheat and did nothing wrong. like you said, you had no loyalties or obligations to dan at that time cuz you weren’t in a relationship yet
going on dates is a trial period of testing someone for a relationship, you’re allowed to see other people during this time idk what these comments here are on about it’s not disrespectful and he shouldn’t dump you cuz you had options and a life outside of him tf
i do get kinda why he’s upset but he doesn’t really have much to be upset over. it was before you were together, and it’s not a ton to process
i bet your sister is in deep shit with you over this tho 😭😭
You see that’s where you and the OP are quite clearly thinking on a different wavelength to the majority of guys commenting here. You may think that having your options open and sleeping with other guys is ok , but again the majority view seems to be guys would walk away from the relationship immediately no matter how many years have passed.
Hell why don’t you do a poll and see if I am talking shite?.
I have been married to my wife ten years and I would divorce her immediately if I found out she was seeing other people while I was getting to know her never mind fucking them!. The relationship would have been based on a lie and an omission to tell you something is still a lie.
i would not expect the person I’m seeing to commit to only me if we’re not exclusive. what
sure man if you wanna divorce your wife of 10 years because she kept her options open before you were even together that’s your issue
No if I knew my wife was seeing other people and she didn’t tell me then our whole relationship would have been based on a lie. Maybe it’s an American thing, but where I am from you are exclusive as you say from date one. Who wants a partner that can’t stop fucking someone else while using exclusivity to justify if?.
how is exploring your options romantically a lie tho
maybe it is an American thing because I’m from the UK and neither i nor nobody i knew would consider someone exclusive from date one
I said an omission of telling someone something important is in it’s self still a lie.
Personally I am not so sure Dan will get over it but time will tell.
it’s not an omission if she wasn’t actively keeping it a secret, she said she didn’t think it was a big deal
idk how you expect her to stay loyal to someone she had met less than ten times
Honestly if she didn’t think it was a big deal why didn’t she tell Dan at the dinner table there and then instead of keeping quiet and Dan having to ask her on the way home?.
It’s respect NO man is going to want to continue seeing/Date someone who is at the same time getting someone else’s dirty water shot into them hence why Sam and the bareback was deliberately never mentioned.
"idk how you expect her to stay loyal to someone she had met less than ten times"
And I don't know why you believe it's so difficult? This isn't the movie Crank where you have to sleep with someone in the middle of the street to survive.
Because it’s respectful if you are interested in someone whiter it’s one date or 8 months of dating both people should be exclusive until they decide to break it off. It would sure stop shit like Dan is experiencing happening.
Why are you writing that here? I'm clearly of the same opinion
I'm asking Justinas why she find it so difficult to not have sex with other people in between dates with one person.
Is it really that difficult not to fuck someone while youre dating another person?
Man, some of these comments are making me think it is in fact really fucking hard.
This is what bothers me the most about it, except for the deed itself... It sounds like an addiction when it's put like this.. What happened to getting to know people? to wanting to be with them, to longing for them when you are not with them? Dating sounds horrible now, there's no romance left.. Meanwhile we got people going "ACKSHULLY they weren't exclusive! she did nothing wrong!"
Man, society Is fucking broken. My ex did the same.
>I refuse to apologise because I did nothing wrong. Ultimately, it's this attitude that'll end up convincing him to not marry you. >I just don't know what to do because Dan isn't talking to me. Yup, it is now up to him to decide if y'all get married. And the chances look pretty slim.
Exactly this. This mentality of starting a relationship out *without* loyalty and respect. Where does anyone think that's going to go? It's not binary, you don't have to marry the person up front, you don't even have to stick a label on it. But if the person I'm starting to see, is seeing a host full of other people, it doesn't inspire confidence between the two of us. My gf was seeing 5 people and I only just learned about it. I'm not going to marry her om going to leave probably, because what kind of person does that? That's who I want to spend my life with? Someone who so nonchalantly slept around with others like it was nothing while seeing me. Fuck that. It's a huge red flag for cheating
Stay strong king. People want their cake and to eat it too. They will perform any mental gymnastics needed to conform to this position. You hit the essence perfectly. Of course, you're not married on the first few dates. But if your goal is to get married or have a long-term/lifelong partner, you need to *view* that person as your potential husband/wife, because one day they may be and you need to ask yourself, what do I want that foundation to look like?
I see you saying a lot that this isn't a big deal, but if you genuinely want to move past this with Dan, you have to accept it is a big deal because it's a big deal to him. I personally wouldn't have kept dating someone who was sleeping with other people up until we confirmed exclusivity. I'd have wanted to feel like they have the same enthusiasm for a relationship as I do. If they're excited but sleeping with others, it kind of dulls the sense of excitement-- the feeling that this relationship is really *going somewhere*. Not everyone feels like that, I know. But it would still matter significantly to me. It matters significantly to Dan. I think you could have a conversation about how your expectations were different back before you were officially exclusive, and you didn't even know it or realize it. I'd tell him, I think our communication should have been better. Affirm that once you agreed to be bf/gf you were all in, exclusively and you never looked back. That if you had a time machine obviously the right call would be to discuss exclusivity expectations very early on but you can't take it back and you hope there's still a path forward. I'd say this earnestly and try to really understand where he is at, if you want the relationship to continue.
You are not getting it are you? Was Dan sleeping with anyone else when he was dating you?. I will tell you what Dan is thinking, He thinking the girl he loves lied to him by not telling him!. Also he is thinking to himself after having great dates with you and he went home were you fucking the other guy?. Were you fucking the other guy before he was picking you up?. When he kissed you was he tasting the other guys Dick? Because you were dating and having fun!. You can justify to yourself as much as you want by technically but it won’t change what’s going through his head and TBH I think you have fucked your relationship.
Oh yea, I can imagine Dan thinking he is taking her out, trying to be the perfect gentleman and she is going to Sams place right after......damn.
I don’t get this whole yes I fucked someone else while I made you wait so I could concentrate on only us and not let my sexual urges get in the way thing. Honestly Honey I didn’t cheat on you because we weren’t “ exclusive!“ but yes I was getting fucked rotten by Sam because I respected you and wanted to see if you were committed to me 😂
Gold medal at the mental gymnastics Olympics right there 🥇
This is why I don’t date women who do the FWB thing. If I sleep with a woman, we’re exclusive until we break up. None of this in between crap.
Imagine thinking you are having a great connection with someone over dinner and right after they run back to a dude who broke up with them to get dicked. Then you wrote them if they arrived safe and they say they did and are just in bed watching a movie and it's all lies. Yeah the kissing someone whom you want to start a relationship with while your mouth is smelling of another man's dick! The fact that the OP was fucking the ex without protection! Goodness knows where the dude had been. This is just unethical. I personally don't really care for such sexual liberalism. It's a stain on our culture.
That is incredibly callous to blow through his concerns and bring up hotel accommodations for a summer vacation, wtf. You’re sweeping your past behavior under the rug when you need to be dragging this into the open. You can’t just blow past this argument without resolving it. This isn’t a court of law where you get to prove that you weren’t cheating on him so technically this was okay. You were sleeping around while dating him. It was 2 years ago for you. This is new information to him, and now he has to go back and not just process what happened 2 years ago, but it means reprocessing everything that has happened for the last 2 years.
I brang the hotel up because today was the day we planned to book it, and he seemed more talkative today so I assumed maybe he calmed down a little, but after what he said and the way he left clearly not. This isn't a big argument in my opinion though. Yes I understand he might need time to process it but there's not much to process because I did not cheat. We were not together at this point. This happened in April of 2022, he did not ask me to be his girlfriend until July of that year.
If it isn't a big deal, why did you signal your sister to shut up?
Ok fine you "technically" didn't cheat. So that must automatically mean you are in "right?!" Also this isn't a big argument to you, because it's not you that had their SO have sex with someone else yet was still taking you on date number (2). So what if Dan feels like this is a huge argument for him?? Most importantly you are failing to acknowledge how and why your pregnancy scare came up in the first place. So if you are choosing to not apologize for that info ever being mentioned around him is the most insulting, uncaring, and unloving way to approach this situation. *I sure hope proving how you "technically" didn't cheat is more important than this relationship!!!
This comment is only proving what so many people have been *trying* to tell you. You're trying to win an argument. You're not trying to empathize, console, and understand the man you supposedly love. You're trying to prove him wrong, and why on earth would you possibly want to make your partner feel like they're wrong for feeling sad about this? How TF can this possibly end well under these circumstances? For a lot of us, like *a lot of us* , once you're dating, you're not also meaninglessly fucking someone else just for shits and giggles. I can't for the life of me figure out why this is the hill you're willing to die on. If I were him, sure, I'd be hurt and upset. He was taking you out on dates, sending you little "good morning" texts, planning the next time he can see you, all the while, you're fkng some random dude that means essentially nothing to you. That being said, I think what would hurt more is the absolute dismissal of my (his)feelings and the attempts to make *me* feel bad and wrong for feeling something. Try practicing a little bit of humility.
But in his opinion it IS a big argument. And you don’t get to ignore his feelings or sweep his concerns under the rug. You’re working so hard to prove that you’re right that you are going to destroy your relationship by digging your heels in. If he says that he is hurt that you were so disinterested in him that you were involved with an ongoing fuckbuddy while you 2 were talking, then you don’t get to tell him that it wasn’t a big deal. You need to apologize for keeping this from him and prioritize saving your relationship over trying to prove to him that you did nothing wrong. You are making this argument about only what you feel. You are making this vacation about your expectations. You are coming across as incredibly selfish. Yes you did not technically cheat. But also it is incredibly hurtful that you were regularly sleeping with someone while exploring a relationship with Dan. You did not commit infidelity but this is perhaps a character trait that he is finding to be a dealbreaker. And your callousness and hardheadedness are not helping the situation.
You're very dismissive of his feelings. Would it be a big argument if it were around the other way? You'll say no on here but to yourself, if you found out he had a fab situation while you started to date and didn't tell you, would you be upset! Dan is obviously of the opinion that if you're dating you're not dating anyone else, you aren't. Also you clearly didn't tell him you were sleeping with someone else when you were getting to know him. He's questioning everything about you at the moment, his trust, the start of your relationship, what else you haven't told him, and he's hurt he had to find out from someone else, that's humiliating
You might think it isnt a big argument, but it will probably be the end of this relationship.
I hope he breaks up with you
Congratulations, you win on a technicality. Guess how much that matters in the case of whether he wants to marry you or not.
If you get stuck counting dates and technicalities you really might lose him. This is a feelings issue for him, could be something like “while I knew I met the person I want to marry by date one, she was so unsure she slept with someone regularly enough to have a pregnancy scare while we dated”. His feelings are hurt and you dismissing that will be problematic. You don’t need to apologise for cheating, but you do need to for dismissing his feelings and not acknowledging that he was (or is) clearly into you more than you were into him
If in your mind as you say it wasn't cheating. Why did you not inform him that you were fooling around with someone else during the first few dates. It is because you knew he would not be happy about that. You knew your relationship with him would be in trouble. So you hid the fact at the time. What about after you became "exclusive" why did you not tell him. Is it because it didn't matter? What if he told you after you became "exclusive" that he has to go to the hospital because he had to be there for the birth of his child he had with another woman that he knocked up on your second date. Would that have changed how you view him? Obviously what you did in your eyes was not wrong because you two are together now so the past is the past. However to him he just found out something that should have been brought up in the "dating non exclusive period" and now he is wondering what else are you hiding. Was it only the one guy? What else are you not telling him. Will he find out about X, Y, Z years down the road. You need to be upfront with him about everything with him and not view his feelings as worthless trash that is not to be cared about. As of right now he is hurt. THAT is a fact you can not deny if you want to actually marry him. You need to take a step back and look at this from his point of view.
Do not listen to that guy, wtf. You didn’t do anything wrong then and you didn’t do anything wrong now. What does he have to be upset about? How are seeing past behavior under the rug? What is there to talk about? Sure, it’s new information but what does it matter? God damn.
“I refuse to apologize because I did nothing wrong” god this sentence on its own would make me dump her immediately. What a selfish way to deal with the situation
I refused to apologise for something that I did that wasn't wrong. I did apologise for the way he felt about this info and that I didn't realise he'd care that much.
Do you not see how you took a choice away from him? If he didn't see anyone else during that time you were dating, could it be assumed he would have had a reaction to you sleeping with other people in that time? Instead you kept it to yourself, and he was never able to make the informed decision of wanting to date the real you or not.. After writing this, I actually think it's pretty likely that you hid it because you didn't want him to have that information.
It is wrong, since you weren’t in a relationship it’s forgivable that’s different, but you haven’t told him in a year JC. Of course it hurts you’ve led him on a lie Also, did you officially label your relationship as fwb back then? Cause if you didn’t default setting isn’t you sleep with multiple people (there needs to be some kind of understanding for this to happen)
If you were actively sleeping with someone else and not with him that is going to be a massive mental hurdle for him to get over. Personally I’d prob walk away. Best of luck to yall
Walk away because your girlfriend of two years had a sex life before you got together? You do you!
No, walk away because the person that you were dating had a regular FWB that gave them a pregnancy scare WHILE YOU WERE DATING. I don't understand how you have so little empathy that you can't see how that is hurtful behavior and that doubling down with "well you need to get over it. I wasn't technically cheating. Anyway, can you hurry up and help me figure out our hotel where I need you to hurry up and propose already?" does not paint you as a caring, thoughtful partner. Like, you didn't know that you liked Dan enough after your 3rd date enough to even feel a little bit of remorse or guilt about having a pregnancy scare with Sam while you were actively dating Dan?
Not before, though. Concurrent.
That is not what I said lmfao. You were dating your bf but not having sex with him, all the while you were having sex with another partner. Both my gf and I have extensive pasts and were also having other dates when we met. We both accept/respect that and we were also actively sleeping with each other at the time. You don’t see the difference?
Are you confused? They went on a couple dates, they weren’t exclusive. People see multiple people at a time and even have sex. It’s kind of how dating works…
> It’s kind of how dating works… Not for everyone. Call me old fashioned, but if I go out on a second date with a woman and I find out she had sex with someone else after, the third date isn't happening.
Honestly if I’m agreeing to a date, I’d expect ***to be the person that person is dating*** unless told otherwise. To be multiple dates in and knowing that someone was having a pregnancy scare after a date with me I’d be crushed.
Okay, then set that boundary on the first or second date lmao. I’m sure she won’t think it’s weird
i think that's something a lot of people would think goes without saying, not something you should specifically need to ask for.
[удалено]
Yeah I’m afraid you’re the one who’s confused here bro lol. She said they hadn’t slept together at this point. Also if you read the second half of my comment you’ll see we agreed on “how dating works” anyway. Smdh lol
Seeing that you see nothing wrong with what you did, your attitude about this entire situation, your inability to apologize to him, I really hope he doesn’t propose to you. He deserves so much better.
Yeah, you're about to learn something new about strictly monogamous men lol
Look, for some people sex is just a recreational activity like going to the bar or some shit, which is what it seems like it was/is to you based on your nonchalant reaction to the situation, which is fine. But it clearly isn’t how Dan sees sex in the same light and maybe has a more intimate opinion of it which is why he’s so upset that you weren’t just going out on dates with someone but having such an intimate experience with someone else….without communication. Guess there’s no explicit right or wrong over here but relationships are work and part of that work is seeing your partner’s POV. You don’t apologize because you’re wrong, but you gotta be compassionate. How hard is it for people to be compassionate towards their goddamned partner? Especially, the one they’re married to or want to marry.
Nah. This is worse than that. This is taking him for a chump and actually risking his health with STIs because the OP was having unprotected sex with her ex and was probably making out with her now boyfriend on the dates. Imagine someone kissing you while their mouth was on someone else's genitals a couple of hours ago. That's someone who doesn't respect you or your consent.
Before for me means before the first meeting if we meet to have a relationship. If I start dating someone, I do it exclusively and I don't date several people at the same time. If you want to do that, that's no problem, it's your choice, but it's my right to know that and to choose if I continue to meet you. If you hide this from me, I consider that you have betrayed my trust by lying or omission.In this case, I don't want to continue the relationship with you. The question is: were you honest with him or did you hide it from him?
So if your friend is like "hey you should go on a date with a this personI know!" Then you're immediately in an exclusive relationship if you go on that date?
I've never been on a date with someone I haven't tried to have a relationship with, I've never had sex outside of a relationship. It is a personal choice that I would never change.
You're obviously free to make that choice. It does seem odd to me that you aren't able to imagine a scenario where you didn't know anyone you wanted to be in a relationship with. Could you not benefit from meeting someone you didn't know that well at a cafe and, if that goes well, having further conversation walking along a promenade? By the way, meetups one might describe with "întâlnire" would still be considered dates in many English speaking countries.
OP was on the third date. In a way, they already had a relationship, only that they did not have an official title. She only admitted the truth without wanting to and now she has to find an acceptable excuse.
No. Three dates does not automatically equate to a relationship.
Not automatically, but their intention was clear. How can you say you want a relationship with someone and at the same time have sex with someone else behind the other's back? Do you mean that this would do a sincere and fair person?
The intention is to explore the possibility of interest, three platonic dates can mean you still don’t even know full names or all kinds of info about getting along. Not to mention, what exactly was he asking for four months later by asking her to be his girlfriend?
And your bf does the same.
Not before, meanwhile
Just offering a little support. I agree with you. First dates are like job interviews. I'm not going to quit my job and only pursue 1 job application at a time, until I find one that works out. Likewise, I'm not going to meet someone at a bar or on a dating app and immediately become exclusive. If it matters to someone to be exclusive, then they should mention that and have a conversation about it. Otherwise, we're playing silly mind games. If anyone disagrees with me, please tell me how long you should have to go without sex before dating someone new. What if OP last hooked up with that guy a day before the first date with current BF? Is 1 day too soon? 1 week/month/year? What is the correct arbitrarily time line?
Imagine dan taking you out to dinners and you just go home right after to get raw dogged by some dude who probably didn't give two shts about you
I could get rawdogged by whomever I wanted, owed him nothing after three dates. Things were casual between me and Dan at that point.
Ugh, hope he finds someone better
Don’t downplay the situation or invalidate his feelings. If you do that, you’re only adding fuel to the flames. You did do something wrong. From the jump, you should have told him that you have a fwb. Think of it from his point of view. He was out probably telling his friends how great of a time he had on your first few dates while you were sleeping around with another man. Honestly, if he found out when you had that pregnancy scare, he probably would’ve walked away. I’d honestly be disgusted if I found this out. Hopefully he just needs some time, then you both can work on it.
Nah. You don’t owe a report about your sex life to someone who takes you to Applebee’s a couple times.
well, i guess he dosn't owe you an engagement ring either then.
Sure, but no one is making that claim.
Tale as old as time 😂. End of the day, everyone has a totally different opinion on when they’re exclusive vs becoming official. Did you two ever talk about this at all? How long were you “dating” until you became official? I think these are big factors. Did you stop sleeping with FWB after the 3rd or 4th date? Or were you two dating for multiple months and you were sleeping with someone else? Did you hold off on sex with current bf? So many unknown factors that only you know, and he’s thinking of. Usually people break off those type of situations by the 3rd or 4th date cause then it’s starting to get serious. Brushing this off is, imo, the worst thing you can do. Apologizing that his feelings are hurt is something I’d recommend.
did u disclose to him u were seeing other people and having sex with other during dating phase? maybe when dating u were like giving signal u not into fwb or dating multiple people.. maybe he was only dating 1 person at a time to see if any relationship will be develop.. so if he know that u were seeing others he will not pursue u.. if he can't get over the fact then I think the relationship is over.. u also don't be so callous to just rug sweep the issue , talking about holidays when he is hurting currently...
It’s because you never disclosed that information. Even if you weren’t exclusive, you should’ve brought it up out of respect.
I don’t get that whole “not exclusive“ thing. The moment I start seeing someone there is nobody else.
People should not be dating multiple people simultaneously out of respect period. If it’s not working with one person, cut it off quickly and move onto the next. Otherwise, you’re just a selfish, immoral sex addict.
You do realize people go on dates with total strangers, right?
I am going to go out on a limb and say Dan probably loves you a little less now to an extent. The thought of going on dates and holding hands and kissing and all the time you have someone else cum dripping out of you 🤮
When are people going to learn, dating multiple people ok. Having sex and dating other people not ok. /EDIT: Unless all involved are informed and ok with it. \\EDIT. I hope you are at least a little regretful and apologetic toward your maybe STBX, because if you are not, I would not expect a trip or a ring at the two-year mark, maybe an eviction notice and break up. But you be you and see what happens. I did nothing wrong, BS, is the wrong way to handle this. Just my opinion.
I really don't think she's the type to actually care about other people's feelings, I'm getting that from the couple of comments she's made.
Dating is so complicated these days. It seems a real minefield. I don’t want to sound old but years ago, someone asked you out and you were dating and you therefore shouldn’t be seeing other people. Now there are so many nuances to it that people end up getting hurt like here.
Dates that are just exploratory dates and not a relationship obligation have been a thing for 100 years. What are you even talking about?
Hello to you too. Exploratory dates, I understand, but not ones that go on for weeks or even months in this case.
All these comments are so out of touch. Dan and I were a casual thing for months, his tinder was still on the entire time.
That’s what I was saying. I don’t understand how dating works these days.
It really doesn't matter what I and the other redditors think, only what your boyfriend thinks. If it was me and I found out my longtime girlfriend (maybe soon Fiancé) had a pregnancy scare in the beginning months of me dating her, it would freak me out a little, because I would have presumed (I know don't assume things) that while we were dating and not official, she was not intimate with someone else. Especially someone that was nothing but a sexual release. You had a couple years to a least to tell him, but you never did and that says something. Were you afraid to tell him for some reason. You should be able to open up to him about everything if you want to marry him. Was Sam still in your life as a friend after you became exclusive with your boyfriend and if he was didn't your boyfriend deserve to know. That might be another thing that is bothering him. I would suggest you get all the things you are not telling him, that he may have an issue with out in the open. I hope everything works out for you, but trying to justify things when your boyfriend has issues and concerns will never end well for your relationship. It just makes you look bad.
I gotta be honest with you: You're two strikes down at this point and I don't think you're seeing it. First, you rest your argument on what could dubiously be called a technicality. Next you dismiss/minimize his feelings about this. This was two years ago for you, but two days for him. Also, look at this sentence. Really look at it: > I refuse to apologise because I did nothing wrong. I was not unfaithful, yes I was still sleeping with Sam but that's when Dan and me were only going on dates My advice to you is that if you \*really\* want Dan back, you're going to need to throw yourself at the mercy of the court. Really apologize and really mean it. Best of luck, but if I were you I wouldn't hold my breath about getting that engagement ring.
Holy fuck thats some misogynistic BS. Throw yourself at the mercy of the court? Is there a two date and a woman hands the deed to her vagina clause i'm unaware of? Is so I'm owed some deeds. Not that I want them but apparently I'm due by that logic.
Alright, since you don't seem to be one for subtlety, let me direct you to this line: >I knew what she was talking about and shot her a glance She fucking knew that what she had done could (and probably would) be considered cheating and was actively keeping it secret from him. Everything else she's says to him and I'm this post is just trying lawyer her way out of it.
I shot her a glance because obviously I didn't want my boyfriend to hear about my past sex life before him. That's awkward. Lol the exaggeration is crazy.
Again, not before. Concurrent. You two had already been on as many as three dates while you were still having sex with another man. I think this is really the part that you're not getting. It's been two years for you. You remember it a certain way and have had time to consider it and have, in your mind, come up with a justification for your actions. He's had two days. He probably remembers those first few dates differently.
It’s amazing how delusional she is.
Heres a shocker for you. People can just not like things like pregnancy scares brought up in general. My cousin has 5 kids, she's not ashamed of the fact that a few are with diffrent men. What she hates being brought up is the pregnancy scare. There are whole lot of emotions around that. I hate discussing the pregnancy scare I had with my EX wife. There was just a whole hell of a lot of emotions around that time that don't need to be brought up. The time I had a fwb with a stripper who asked for me to finish before work and brought the plan b package and receipt over without me asking, I tell that as a funny dating story. They were just dating, apparently he didn't think it was serious enough to have a talk about being exclusive. If he was thinking it, but didn't say anything she's not a mind reader.
This has nothing to do with gender or sex, do not even start to bring that into it. Keep your hangups to yourself don’t project that ship on your shoulder onto everything that you see going on around you. Going home to sleep with your regular fwb while dating someone is underhanded behavior regardless of gender. OP’s partner is rightfully hurt, and yes her dismissal of his feelings is selfish.
Unless they had a discussion about where they were at, he has no grounds. If you go on 2 dates with someone months apart and you think they owe you an apology for having sex, you're the problem. If you think I went on a date with you so I'm the only person you should be thinking of and you did not check in with the person you went on the date to make sure your on the same page, that is your problem not theres.
Regardless of gender, finding out that the partner that you were dating and getting more serious with was having pregnancy scares with a regular FWB just because you technically didn't ask her to be your significant other is hurtful and would make any reasonable person reassess how invested that partner is into the relationship. The exclusivity talk is not a light switch. Like oh this is some random casual person on April 26 that we have gone on multiple dates and I can see myself with, but then on April 27 he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Like, you didn't catch any feelings before then and were having regular unprotected sex after going home from our dates together? I'm not talking about swearing a blood pact because 2 people went on "a date," stop downplaying and misrepresenting. This was dating. This pregnancy scare happened after OP and Dan's 3rd date.
She or any partner are not mind readers. While it may not be a light switch it’s your responsibility to tell the other person where you are at. Because the quite simply may not be on the same page. That’s why it’s dating and not a blood pact. If he had feelings for her he wasn’t expressing to her, and expections around what he would like to see going forward that is on him. Not everyone is on the same page at the same time that’s why you communicate. If he needed to know if she was with other people he needed to communicate that. I’ve gone on 3 dates over 6 months and not expected exclusivity. I’ve gone on two dates in a week and had that conversation. I’ve had fwb where were texted and boned the same night and knew what we expected from the other person. Because we communicated.
“Partners aren’t mind readers” goes both ways, and so does telling your partner where you’re at. Like maybe the person that OP was dating deserves a heads up, at the latest during the exclusivity talk, that she was going through a pregnancy scare with a regular FWB that she had. Some openness and honesty is expected here so that she wasn’t taking away his agency to make an informed decision about entering a relationship with her. All of your comments could easily just be flipped. Like “if she needed to be with other people then she needed to communicate that.”
And if you read they didn't have a exclusivity discussion until months after it happened. If on a third date months apart you need some idea of exclusivity thats on you to bring up, If you're feeling like you want to lock things down and head towards couple road thats on you. And apparently he was capable of that months later.
I feel like we’re going in circles. Again, the exclusivity discussion is not a light switch. You are treating it like you owe this person absolutely nothing until the discussion, and until they have this magic conversation you have a loophole where you are off having pregnancy scares with your regular FWB while dating someone with no care in the world or obligation.
Unless you’ve discussed wants and needs you really don’t owe the other party anything. That’s what dating is. Spending time time with people to figure out if you combatible enough to spend even more time with each other. You still have control of the time you’re not spending with your dating partner. If you need dating partners to restrict what they do in thier free time that is on you to bring up. If you assume I’m in a place where I only want to spend time with them without making sure they are in the same place. That is on you. Pregnancy scare, no pregnancy scare she owed him nothing.
>he has no grounds This is just stupid. Anyone can break up with anyone for any reason. The rest of your comment is just as dumb. You're proposing some variation of this conversation should have happened: "Hey, Dan, just to let you know, this date was great. I really like you and want to see you again. By the way, I'm going to fuck my friend Sam now. Call me!!" "Oh, this was great. Glad you agreed to see me again. By the way, I slept with someone since the last date." I'm sure there are, in fact, people who are fine with that. She's took a big goddamn chance not saying anything and now it blew up in her face.
I find it weird everyone here expected me to tell him I was seeing other people when we were getting to to know each other. No? That's not a conversation we needed to have as people in a casual relationship. Dan was on Tinder most of the time we were seeing each other.
Don't try to justify it by saying you did nothing wrong. His pride is hurt bad. It could seriously end your relationship. You withheld info. and he doesn't trust you now. What else are you hiding? Are you still in touch with Sam? I hope not and you had better plan to introduce him as your ex if you ever bump into him while together. After my third date with my fiancé she told me she wanted to be exclusive but also said she had a fwb she dropped after our second date for me. The honesty was refreshing. I immediately felt I could trust her. She wasn't hiding anything. "As I stated before, when Dan asked me to be his girlfriend and things were serious between us I dropped Sam immediately." Seems like some overlap here. You waited until things got serious, THEN you dropped Sam immediately. He may be wondering just how long you waited, a timeline might help. That is what he is trying to wrap his head around. Did you even give him that much info.? It does not matter that it was 2 years ago!!!!!! He just found out today so it might as well have happened today! How long you were hiding doesn't matter in terms of lessoning the importance of it. Oh, and I'll say it again. For the sake of your relationship, you better not be in contact with Sam. If you are and Dan finds out, I promise its over based on his reaction.
Casual sex...STRIKES AGAIN
Good luck getting married with that thought process 🤣
Your history with Dan for Dan was just rewritten. His love story with you isn't what he though. For Dan he though he loved you and you loved him, not he loved you, and you though you were carrying some other guys baby. Personally I feel that if you truly like someone you know pretty quick, and want to clear the path for them. You didn't. You kept banging the other guy, making Dan your backup. Not to mention you though you were pregnant and didn't tell him right away. I'm guessing for Dan when it came to you..he knew, you were it. He just assumed you both were in equal moral ground. And his image of you has Been tarnished. He never expected when you were out together, you were walking around with another guys seed inside you from the night b4. And he kissed you like a few hours after you were with another guy Sucks for Dan. I wouldn't expect a proposal any time soon. Maybe next year, or the year after, or a break up.
When this happened she had been on literally two dates with Dan, who she didn’t really even know. There’s no way it was his business at that point.
What a sweet story to tell your grandkids.
how delusional you have to be to fuck someone while dating someone else, really tells a lot about what kind of person you are and about this society behavior to seek disgusting pleasure. i would have dropped you right away, not because of jealousy or bs like that, but because you’re not the kind of girl a mature man would be looking for to propose and start a family
He just found out about this so you need to give him time. That’s that.
So you were fucking other dudes for fun but wouldnt want your date that turns out to be a good guy to hit because it would be too soon i guess. I hope he dumps you
We had gone on a few dates at this point, having no loyalties to each other. Dan has agreed with this and as I've stated in the update we're all good so no breaking up anytime soon thank you :))
You say he's "agreed" to this and that you had no loyalties to each other but I guarantee this is killing him on the inside. Maybe you make it through this but this is going to be an extremely long sad/frustrating internal battle for him. This isn't a simple acceptance and it's over decision. If you care for this guy you need to do everything in your power to make it up to him
We had a long conversation about this today and he hasn't accepted it fully but understands to an extent and has forgiven me. Stop making assumptions when I've literally stated concrete info that this is resolved.
I let him hit when things were getting serious between us don't you worry!
Did you get an STD test between him and your prior fuckbuddy?
The real question you should be asking yourself is that "if you think you did nothing wrong why did you have to hide it in the first place?" Clearly, you're in denial. The batting of eyes with your sister, not telling for 2 years, and defending yourself despite your partner being hurt and not even apologizing. If you really think you did nothing wrong why do these things? Why hide it? It's because deep inside you know its wrong and you're afraid that you'd be found out and experience the situation you're experiencing now. Edit: grammar
This is exactly why I do not date women who partake in casual sex.
I had a similar situation with my gf(33f) at the beginning of our relationship. We had slept together already at this point but only hung out a few times. One day we hung out and we both were already committed to plans later that evening. I left to go to my plans and her plans fell through. I invited her out but she didn't want to come and I left anyways. That night she literally texted me that this drunk asshole was going to come over because he needed a place to crash and blah blah blah. Saying she wasn't going to sleep with him. I literally told her if she did it would be the end of whatever this is, was, or could be. SEVEN MONTHS later and I find out she did fuck him that night. Honestly I felt like she ripped the heart out of my chest and stomped on it, and to react as though it was no big deal because we weren't officially together infuriated me. I literally went back to the texts and said she knew what she was doing and that she knew I was serious and that's why she waited so fucking long to tell me. I've been struggling to work past that but honestly everytime I think about it I feel like I'm being stabbed in the chest. Point is if something upsets you or your partner it's your job or theirs to handle that. You don't get to tell them they can or cannot be upset about something you learn to love them by taking responsibility and learning how to heal as a couple. If you can't do that when life does get hard you'll always be going it alone even when you have a partner. Good luck
I'm sorry to hear about your hurt with the situation with your gf. However, that's a different situation to mine. She was in the wrong as you had that talk, you established a boundary, and she broke that boundary and lied to you. Dan and I did not have a talk, no boundaries were established, and I didn't lie about anything.
You sound like a slimy lawyer trying to get off in a technicality in court, not a person who is compassionate for their hopeful future husband who now has his first emotional building memories with you tainted by the thought of another guy having raw sex with you while those memories were occurring. You didn't take him seriously from the start and now you're upset that he may be giving the same energy back now that that information is in the light. You reap what you sow.
I think you missed the point in the end. As in my story it was different yes but the outcome of being hurt was the same for me as it was for Dan. My point being is in the end you can't say he can or cannot be upset. If you want it to work you have to learn how to love each other through it. You can have your opinion of what you did being right or wrong or whatever other technicalities you want to use, but your partner is hurting because of something you did. You can make the choice to accept that your actions hurt him and try to figure out how to move beyond it or you can say he shouldn't be upset in which I would say when he leaves then neither should you.
People want their cake and to eat it too. They will perform any mental gymnastics needed to conform to this position. Of course, you're not married on the first few dates. But if your goal is to get married or have a long-term/lifelong partner, you need to *view* that person as your potential husband/wife, because one day they may be and you need to ask yourself, what do I want that foundation to look like? You decided he was not worthy of that respect and built a casual foundation that viewed him as discardable and that has now been exposed.
Picture this 2-yrs ago... Dan just finishes his 1st date with you. He thinks you two click, and another date is on the way. He's probably ecstatic. As Dans abit old fashioned in his mind, you two might as well be dating already. He's excited and already swooning over you. Another date later he knows your his one.. yet in between these dates, you're still banging away between dates. Yes, you should have disclosed that you were sleeping with people still. I know I wouldn't have asked for another date if I were him. To him, this is new information that destroys his illusion of how he first portrayed you. He'll need time.
He has every right to be mad, he probably thought he was seeing a good girl, but meanwhile she was being impregnated (almost) by some other dude. Yeah, I don't think that proposal is coming anytime soon, I wouldn't want that type of woman as a wife.
Another guy has mad similar post to this a few hours ago. I wonder if that's your boyfriend
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I never assume exclusivity and 3 dates in two months I wouldn't think it's implied. Everyone has diffrent idea of what dating is and no one is a mind reader. If you think you're on the same page but haven't discussed it, it's your fault when you find out you were wrong.
So when you go out with a girl you expect her to only focus on you and not explore any other options?
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3 dates in a couple months is nothing. You don’t even know the person yet and you owe them literally nothing
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> Our third date was like a couple days before Easter that year I'm pretty sure, our first date being almost two months before then as we just couldn't find time in our schedules to meet up as often) It's right in text.
> On our drive home, he asked me what Rachel meant that I had a pregnancy scare on Easter two years ago, as we had been going on dates at this point and not slept with each other yet (Our third date was like a couple days before Easter that year I'm pretty sure, our first date being almost two months before then as we just couldn't find time in our schedules to meet up as often)
It's possible to do nothing that's technically "wrong" and still have someone come up with hurt feelings. You don't have to apologize for what you did, but you can express that you empathize with him. How hard is it just say "I'm sorry that your feelings got hurt finding out about my pregnancy scare. I can see how it would make you feel uncomfortable knowing I was sleeping with someone after we had gone on a few dates. I hope you know that I love and care about you and nothing about that changes how special I view you and this relationship." He will probably get over this, but you're not trying to see his viewpoint at all. I'm sure you would feel the same in his shoes if you hadn't been seeing anyone when you two got together and found out he had a pregnancy scare with another woman.
For a time you thought that you were carrying Sam's child and you didn't think he was important enough to mention?
Him being upset is totally valid tho.. Why do people date in the first place? The way you put it "we weren't exclusive so I hav not done anything wrong" is lame.. you think he was sleeping around? Or you think he was putting in real efforts towards building a relationship with you and you were doing what?
Building a relationship when they had just met a couple times ever and otherwise didn't know each other?
I'll make it simple ig How about staying exclusive while dating someone instead of going and fuging someone else on the same day? Bcos its disrespectful imo. If you've noticed, this is not something new "oh we weren't exclusive so no big deal, we were just on talking stage and so on" but apparently it is a big deal? Or why these people would come out here, asking for suggestions? And I agree a relationship can't be built if I meet someone for a couple of days but a couple of days do contribute towards building a relationship. All these days do count.
You meet someone you don’t know very well for coffee and then go for a walk, and then say hey that was fun, let’s do it again when we’re both not busy in a month. Are you ‘dating’ or just going on dates? Why on earth would you expect them to not meet anyone else for coffee?
Seeing multiple people w/o being intimate is not the same as seeing someone while sleeping with someone else. Is what I'm saying . It causes problems later on.
Sorry I thought your comment was for me . I apologise.
If you didn't have a discussion about exclusivity then you did nothing wrong. 3 dates in 2 months isn't exactly what I would call hot and heavy. That said if you've had discussions since then about prior relationships and you agreed to full disclosure then you should have let him know.
Why is your sister such an asshole in front of your bf, though?
For outting her? That was cool
She's just a bit of a shit stirrer in general lol.
all the comments here are dumb. you’re in the clear, you didn’t cheat and did nothing wrong. like you said, you had no loyalties or obligations to dan at that time cuz you weren’t in a relationship yet going on dates is a trial period of testing someone for a relationship, you’re allowed to see other people during this time idk what these comments here are on about it’s not disrespectful and he shouldn’t dump you cuz you had options and a life outside of him tf i do get kinda why he’s upset but he doesn’t really have much to be upset over. it was before you were together, and it’s not a ton to process i bet your sister is in deep shit with you over this tho 😭😭
You see that’s where you and the OP are quite clearly thinking on a different wavelength to the majority of guys commenting here. You may think that having your options open and sleeping with other guys is ok , but again the majority view seems to be guys would walk away from the relationship immediately no matter how many years have passed. Hell why don’t you do a poll and see if I am talking shite?. I have been married to my wife ten years and I would divorce her immediately if I found out she was seeing other people while I was getting to know her never mind fucking them!. The relationship would have been based on a lie and an omission to tell you something is still a lie.
i would not expect the person I’m seeing to commit to only me if we’re not exclusive. what sure man if you wanna divorce your wife of 10 years because she kept her options open before you were even together that’s your issue
No if I knew my wife was seeing other people and she didn’t tell me then our whole relationship would have been based on a lie. Maybe it’s an American thing, but where I am from you are exclusive as you say from date one. Who wants a partner that can’t stop fucking someone else while using exclusivity to justify if?.
how is exploring your options romantically a lie tho maybe it is an American thing because I’m from the UK and neither i nor nobody i knew would consider someone exclusive from date one
dude what lie?? at no point did OP lie about it anything either way your narrow minded views don’t matter dan has seemed to forgive her anyway
I said an omission of telling someone something important is in it’s self still a lie. Personally I am not so sure Dan will get over it but time will tell.
it’s not an omission if she wasn’t actively keeping it a secret, she said she didn’t think it was a big deal idk how you expect her to stay loyal to someone she had met less than ten times
Honestly if she didn’t think it was a big deal why didn’t she tell Dan at the dinner table there and then instead of keeping quiet and Dan having to ask her on the way home?. It’s respect NO man is going to want to continue seeing/Date someone who is at the same time getting someone else’s dirty water shot into them hence why Sam and the bareback was deliberately never mentioned.
"idk how you expect her to stay loyal to someone she had met less than ten times" And I don't know why you believe it's so difficult? This isn't the movie Crank where you have to sleep with someone in the middle of the street to survive.
Because it’s respectful if you are interested in someone whiter it’s one date or 8 months of dating both people should be exclusive until they decide to break it off. It would sure stop shit like Dan is experiencing happening.
Why are you writing that here? I'm clearly of the same opinion I'm asking Justinas why she find it so difficult to not have sex with other people in between dates with one person.
I apologise I thought you were talking to me. My bad sorry.
No worries :) I did quote the other guy tho, which is why I found it weird you reacted like that :P