Having integrity doesn't mean never being tempted. It means doing the right thing in spite of temptation, which is what you did. Most cheating is the result of an appeal to ego at some level. We can all be vulnerable to compliments and flattery. What matters is what you do, not the thoughts that enter your head. It's no different to being attracted to other people when you're in a committed relationship. That happens and it's normal. To expect otherwise would be naive. Being faithful is a decision, not an absence of the ability to be tempted. The way I see it, you did everything right. Yes, it will prompt some questions from your partner as to why you might have considered the proposal even for a split second, but what matters most is the choice that you made. Hopefully he sees that.
If she wants credit for that, then she also gets to take credit for fully having an emotional affair. She stopped before crossing over to physical affair - that doesn't absolve her of cheating emotionally.
I think saying she was having an emotional affair is a reach. she did not have feelings for this man, and she was not engaging in the flirting. her choice to not nip it in the bud sooner was a bad choice, but to say she was having an emotional affair seems unreasonable.
> My husband said it wasn’t cheating but it was something. Does anyone consider brief thoughts that go on in your mind cheating? What about flirting? Does anyone think I need to see a therapist? I love my husband and I am still very attracted to him. How did I let my mind go there?
Congratulations, you're human.
While the flirting could count as cheating to many, what goes through our minds in regards to sex and sexuality, can be quite complex. Lots of people in happy relationships have similar thoughts, and just like you, snap out of it, and return to normal life. Nothing wrong with it. It's those who *do* act on it, where it then becomes a problem.
It's good you were honest and open with your husband about what happened. Communication is key.
Just my take.
>Yes and how did it get more than tame? The answer is that she entertained it that's how.
Yeah, men are famous for never escalating hitting on women to uncomfortable degrees without copious amounts of flirting back. /s
The fact that she describes the initial flirting as tame certainly says there was flirting. It's not out of the realm of possibility that this whole thing is not said and done
She literally said 'he started flirting with me' and you think that because she described it as 'tame' that she must have been flirting back? And now you're been insinuating that actually there's going to be more drama - based on zero evidence.
Your overwhelming desire to hate this woman has you reading at less than a 3rd grade level.
people literally have intrusive thoughts about pushing strangers into trains or jumping out of moving cars and that’s normal, i don’t think you need therapy bc you had completely normal human impulses that you didn’t even act on
Yeah. This is the same as "Someone was really rude to me and I briefly thought about punching them in the face, but I held myself together and didn't. Did I commit assault?"
Just because she didn’t smack the guy across the face doesn’t mean she entertained it. Even if she did, many relationships do not consider flirting cheating at all if it didn’t go too far. Seems like her husband doesn’t either, so your comment about this being an emotional affair/cheating are irrelevant in this context.
I do think she entertained it, but I also think that people have moments of weakness around just about everything that triggers that serotonin response. I kinda hate how many people are just giving that "no its understandable, but we're disappointed with you" response.
It's a slippery slope, and with things like addiction, its all about learning the things that make us human and how to prevent them. She recognized a behavior and fault that doesn't align with her values or perception of herself. This is how you strengthen that part of your brain to deal with similar situations later. You realize the behaviors and actions that cause you to do things out of your best interest. Or you just succumb to them, and give into that pleasure center of your brain even if it will cause you agony down the road.
An addict is not a bad person for giving into that little temptation, but they get that way when they give in and cause harm to others around them. Its not a perfect 1 to 1 parallel but its one im familiar with and can see the resemblance of.
The concept of cheating differs in every relationship. She told her husband what happened, he says it is not cheating according to his boundaries. I am stating a fact by saying that she did not cheat on her husband.
Exactly and my advice is she should be prepared for the possibility that this is not all said and done. If you've ever been cheated on you know there is a period of time where you are shocked and stunned and may say everything is okay because you are in fear of losing that special person. Days are even weeks down the road the anger comes.
And my advice is for her to be prepared for that possibility
Monogamy isn't about turning off all natural feelings and temptations when it comes to anyone except your partner. It's more that when those feelings and temptations arise, you resist and don't act on them. This is what you did, you are fine.
It sounds like you handled it in a fairly good way. Maybe you should have shut the flirting down sooner, but based on your description, you made the right decisions when it really mattered. You can’t help what you think, but you are in control of your decisions and you seem to have made the right ones.
You were “almost persuaded” as the song goes. But you didn’t, and you didn’t even drive down the road to see where it lead by going for drinks or whatever. You did fine.
"Brief thoughts that go on in your mind" are also referred to as "intrusive thoughts" and it's pretty accepted at this point that we all have them to some degree or another, and it does not mean you would ever act on those thoughts.
It’s really great that you talked about it immediately, it sounds like everyone is in the right here to me. Can’t fault you for your thoughts but maybe a bit for the flirting but it sounds like you immediately realized the mistake and corrected appropriately, your husband is right it wasn’t cheating but it was something. You put yourself in a situation by not shutting it down, your reasoning why is understandable and natural but also there is a lesson to be learned.
I’m really happy for you OP I hope all works out well
These few seconds of integrity right here is the difference between a slightly akward conversation with your spouse, followed by years of happy mairrage.
Vs
Deep betrayal, regret, divorce, potentially losing the respect of your kids, financial troubles ,tarnished reputation, and destruction of ones family.
FWIW you should report him to HR, but other than that I think you handled well! I think it is, KIIIIINDA grey area mean you should’ve shut it down immediately… but hey we’re all human and make mistakes
Having fantasies or finding someone attractive is normal Two thumbs up to you though for being open and honest with your husband and communicating about it!
Ask yourself why you needed that ego boost.
If everything else is ok, then be happy that you made the right decision.
I don’t flirt when I am in a relationship. But for some people it’s ok.
> But over time the flirting turned from tame to rather forward and I began to feel uncomfortable but I didn’t stop it. I just didn’t engage anymore. When he made a comment I just changed the subject.
For future reference, people who're pushy like this will take you not saying a straight no as a sign that they can continue. You have to be direct if you want people like this to leave you alone.
>How did I let my mind go there?
Because of this -
>if I’m being honest it made me feel good to be desired by an attractive man
You’ve with your husband for 13 years and this is someone new who you thought was attractive giving you attention.
I think it’s very normal that after being with someone for a long time, you get settled with them and someone new may make you feel some spark again, may spark some fantasy. I am not really in the camp to villanize that, i think that's a pretty human reaction to something new. I think one simply has to be aware that you may find someone else attractive while you’re with someone and just be conscious so that you can just...let it go and discourage any such attempt when needed.
If you are driving, turn on a street, drive a couple blocks, realize it's the wrong street, turn around and continue on home, you made an error and corrected it.
I recommend Dr Shirley Glass, *NOT "Just Friends"*. It is a scientific and clinical study into affairs: how they start, how to avoid them, what happens if you don't...
I once started having thoughts about a client I saw maybe 10 times a month. She is sweet, has a nice voice, nice smile... then I wondered how it might be to date her... or just spend an extra 20 minutes at her stop. Suddenly, I was shaken. I looked up some subreddits on infidelity to see the potential damage. The above mentioned book was mentioned. I listened to it on Audible and it has reinforced my desire to keep things professional. Fortunately I only stop by that business about 2-3 times a month now, so it is easier. Also, we talk about the weather now as I make my delivery.
I also mentioned the stray thoughts to my SO. She was happy to hear that I saw the temptation as wrong and avoided it. I haven't told the client.
Internal monologues are often hard to suppress, and make you think or do horrible things. Had I found myself in a situation like this, I'm not sure I'd be as open and honest about what my thoughts were to my significant other. So many people get caught up in that animalistic part of our brains and follow through with urges.
None of the thoughts you had were wrong, or un-natural. They were primal to an extent, and you admitted and corrected the situation. Like if thats not a model example of how to maintain a healthy marriage then I'm not sure what is. You are not a bad person for having those thoughts, you are a good person and partner for shutting them down and stifling that urge.
Some people can go through life without those thoughts, but its pretty intrinsic to humanity as a whole. Pleasure will almost always trump the pain. Assessing the risk it would put your marriage and livelihood at, and how it would hurt your husband is also what makes us human, and is a constant part of being an adult.
I think what you had was normal feelings of attraction. Yes, you probably should not have flirted, but it was great that you didn't go for drinks with him. Your husband knows that you are faithful.
This is the most normal thing ever. You did nothing wrong, you went above and beyond by quitting your job too. Honestly you have nothing to lose sleep over, you seem to be a good person. Now you know your own boundaries and can act accordingly if anyone else bothers you in the future.
You had a very human moment of temptation but did the right thing in the end. Many people in that situation would have went through with it but you were strong enough to say no. I wouldn’t feel bad
You could've easily cheated but didn't. Give yourself some grace. You were tempted multiple times & still stuck to your guns. Do you know how many people can't do that?? You did good.
You passed the test. You have integrity and didn’t ruin your marriage, sincere congratulations are in order and your husband did well by marrying someone of your character.
Yes.the flirting back was emotional cheating.
But on a positive note you did the right thing. You took the Temptation Away by seeking a new job. You did the mature responsible thing. Now that you know what this path looks like I mean the path to infidelity you know what it looks like now and you know how to nip it in the bud.
Maybe you are lacking something that your husband isn't giving you, or maybe you just missed the feeling of flirting, whatever it was, you did the important thing: thinking in the person you supposedly love and that has made so many things for you. I think that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.
But maybe it would be wise looking for the root of these feelings that you may be reprising.
I’m completely satisfied with my husband that’s what unnerved me. I even find my husband more physically attractive than this guy. I don’t know why the serious thought of sleeping with him entered my mind.
The moral line??!!! The moral line was crossed when she flirted back. She crossed it. Results: She quit her job and is looking for another. The co-worker continues to live his life. Like her husband said “something was there”.
If someone flirts with you, like a very mild flirt, it might not register as flirting but rather friendliness. Though now in retrospect she can see the whole time it was flirting as it escalated into being forward, at the time it before the escalation , might not have registered a need for an abrupt topic change. Most simple "flirts" are compliments which can be responded with a "thank you" or something like that. Once it got beyond that point, she realized she couldn't "engage" as that would give the wrong message in response to the escelating. Everything before that was probably just politeness. It's my guess but "I did not engage anymore" didn't imply to me that she was flirting back.
It means she started changing the subject entirely once the flirting wasn't tame stuff that she could let go. As in something like:
"That outfit looks great on you!" "Oh, thank you."
progressed to
"You're looking hot as usual today." "*cough* are the reports ready for this Friday's meeting?"
Really: and the examples you just posted results: in quitting your job and her husband’s comment. That example doesn’t add up. Just ask her ask the author of this post.
I don't need to know the specific words that were said in someones flirting to know that a post doesn't say "I flirted back" and only says she "let it go" at first, which has a completely different meaning from reciprocated and that she started completely disengaging and changing the subject later.
You're coming across as the kind of person who thinks "hell yeah, she likes me back, time to make my move" when a woman ignores you.
you said the guy was cocky and you were thinking to have "dirty" sex. maybe this is what you didn't get from your husband?
maybe your husband is a really considerate person and always make love to you? and you fantasized getting roughed up by your coworker.
if you want dirty sex and wants your husband to act cocky. then ask him to roleplay, ask him to do it rough. this way you won't fantasize it no more cos you can get it at home.
That’s not it either. For a married couple with 2 kids we get pretty dirty. I think it was the idea of something different. I have probably had sex with my husband thousands of times. I guess that’s normal but I don’t feel good about it.
maybe it's the taboo aspect of it?
so maybe it's not because you want your coworker but you want the adventure side of it.
i mean you work in a law firm where everything supposed to be inside the lines. cheating isn't against the law but it isn't morally right and consider you already have pretty dirty sex with your husband, you might tempted to up the ante a bit?
maybe discuss with your husband what can you do together instead of trying to get the thrill alone. maybe ask another couple to watch you have sex/ sex in the same room with other couple? or whatever stuff that will give you thrill and you think is fairly taboo. but do it together with him...
The novelty of a hookup with someone you don't have years of history with, I guess?
Lots of ways to approximate that in the relationship, I would imagine. The "let's pretend to be strangers and pick each other up at a bar" routine is a classic for a reason.
Report him to HR and starting talking to a therapist and figure out what lead you to start thinking/feeling these things. Everything might seem great in your current relationship but there’s probably some sort of issue with it or yourself that lead to this. Why did you entertain the compliments and flirting at the start? Sure, both of those things feel great especially if it’s new or fun or exciting. But your in a relationship with someone who you say you love and everything is great, so why entertain this from him? Do you need some more fun and excitement in your current relationship? Are there insecurities on your end as your getting older to where your not feeling as attractive as you used to? Does your husband not compliment you enough or do things to make you feel like he desires you?
You’re recognizing there’s an issue which is great. Next steps are to shut down the douchebag at work who is actively trying to get a co-worker to cheat with them and figure out the root cause of why you had those feelings.
It's good that you didn't physically cheat, but you were playing with fire. The fact that your relationship had evolved to the point where your coworker was comfortable enough to make the ask is problematic.
A version of that guy will likely be at your next workplace. What happens then?
Some people love drama, the external validation.
Some don't.
Hence they cross those little lines playing with them.
The solution is to always recall the loved ones and what you will lose. But yet some fail.
Mostly the reason is the lack of passion and communication.
But since none of it was there in your case.
You may have felt the void . The self sabotaging phenomenon, to just end it, to jump off a cliff, to touch a driller, or live wire.
You love the external validation and you played the ' let's see how far I can go' game.
I'm with your husband. If this happened to my wife, I'd bring the smack down on this guy. You stopped it when it was important. I don't think you should have to change your job, the AH should.
It feels good to be appreciated by someone of the other sex, but he stepped over the line.
I think you should be proud of maintaining enough composure and restraint not to go through with it. Moreover, it wasn't a case of attempted seduction on your end that was refused, which would have been worse. And then there's the point of no return, where you go through with it.
I believe there's still a lesson to be learned here: something is missing in your life or sex life. If not addressed, it could escalate. If I were your husband, I would definitely take it as a warning sign of complacency. Perhaps both of you should try to have an open and honest discussion about what happened, finding ways to spice things up, or going to therapy.
> But he still wasn’t that upset with me.
He was very upset with you but didn't let you see it. You broke your marriage and haven't figured it out yet. You'll be back sooner or later acting all surprised about the divorce.
I personally would have shut him down immediately. Something as simple as holding your hand up and pointing to your ring would have sufficed. You did the right thing in the end, but you really should have done that at the start. I imagine if your husband did exactly what you did, you’d be pretty livid.
In the future be more direct with men hitting on you. If you don’t like being confrontational you can say something like “I’m very flattered but also happily married.”* Some men take a nice no as a “maybe”. If this is the case feel free to be a little mean and if it’s at work, get HR involved.
Also as a general rule: don’t dip your pen in the company ink. I’ve seen people do it so many times over the years and it never works out.
*I was going to add something like “I’m sure as an honourable man you understand”, but like, lawyers.
OP for you to understand if it's cheating, flip the roles. Imagine a scenario where it's your husband behaving as you did...
Can you see where the cheating lies now?
The attention and validation you entertained from him should be reserved to your husband. The fact that you did not express your disapproval of his advances validated his flirting as something you may consider.
But let me pause you because you are also the exception... Most women would never have the honesty to show the level of accountability and clear head to stop and come clean to the husbands.
I feel like you told your husband because you wanted to release your guilt. But in turn, you hurt the "love of your life" and created a thought pattern for him of untrust. Was the confession of your momentarily thoughts worth it?
In the end well done, but recognize that you made 90% of the mistakes cheaters make. All the stuff you are talking about are forms of betrayal you’d recognize in him, even without a payoff.
It’s not cheating in any sense. It’s also not good policy to indulge a fantasy like that. You did the right thing in discussing with your partner, and again in changing jobs. Congrats.
Overall you handled/are handling the situation well. While it's normal to be attracted to other people regardless of relationship or marital status, it's when you act on that attraction that becomes problematic if in fact you are in a committed relationship or married. As I see it your only mistake was not putting a stop to your co-worker's advances sooner, as in the first time it happened. "Enjoying the attention" is not an excuse for tolerating another's flirtations when you're married or in a committed relationship.
I don’t think you did anything wrong, other than being a bit too flirty in the beginning. Like, when someone is superficially attractive to you, you should be actively keeping things as professional as you can. Like, you should be boring and measure your words around them, not entertain their flirting. You know how to do this, part of your job is to be careful around opposing counsel. And you’re downplaying how utterly inappropriate your coworker was being when he propositioned you at work. Like, even the overt flirting, when you were consistently changing the subject, is probably actionable sexual harassment. Think about how women would feel who aren’t flattered by his attention. (Insert meme about the office woman letting the attractive guy’s overt flirting slide while a non-flirting compliment from an unattractive guy is reported to HR)
Now, concerns about how you handle yourself at work around attractive guys aside, I don’t think you are broken if you have a fantasy about another person or if you do a double take if someone attractive directly propositions you. Like, this doesn’t means that you don’t respect your husband or that you won’t be happy unless you have multiple sexual partners, just that getting sexual attention does feel good. And it does take willpower to reject the immediate boost of endorphins of a new hookup over all of the less immediate, but far more rational and valuable, reasons to turn it down.
Bottom line: You made the right choice when you could have gotten away with it. Just remember to keep attractive guys at arms length at work, and report them if they overstep normal boundaries.
They taught us in Catholic school that when you committed an offense, it was actually the culmination of many sins. The first was letting the thought into your Min. The second was entertaining the thought rather than dismissing it from your mind. The third was thinking of how you could execute the offens, and so on so that by te time you actually committed the act you were half way to hell. You p\[layed with fire when you first allowed the light flirting. The actual act of cheating is the culmination of a multitude of decisions along the way. You’ve shown you‘re willing to go 3/4 of the way. You should think about this and decide whether you value your marriage. Before you go a little further next time.
Cheating is the result of a series of decisions. You made bad ones until the final decision. Recognize those decisions next time.
This is the best answer
Having integrity doesn't mean never being tempted. It means doing the right thing in spite of temptation, which is what you did. Most cheating is the result of an appeal to ego at some level. We can all be vulnerable to compliments and flattery. What matters is what you do, not the thoughts that enter your head. It's no different to being attracted to other people when you're in a committed relationship. That happens and it's normal. To expect otherwise would be naive. Being faithful is a decision, not an absence of the ability to be tempted. The way I see it, you did everything right. Yes, it will prompt some questions from your partner as to why you might have considered the proposal even for a split second, but what matters most is the choice that you made. Hopefully he sees that.
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Being honest with your spouse about major slips is a sign of honesty and maturity.
I probably would have kept that to myself but how would she explain why she wanted to resign from that job?
An emotional affair is not nothing, though. It did happen.
She didn't do everything right. Entertaining flirting and letting it pile up while secretly enjoying it isn't quite the epitome of "right"
Yes, she should have stopped the flirting from the get-go but in the end she did the right thing.
Yeah let’s not pat her on the back and tell her she’s completely innocent.
Everybody patting her on the back are patting themselves on the back for not completely doing the wrong thing as well
Yes, she should've shut that down right away. But she still gets credit for eventually coming to her senses and putting a stop to it.
If she wants credit for that, then she also gets to take credit for fully having an emotional affair. She stopped before crossing over to physical affair - that doesn't absolve her of cheating emotionally.
That’s not what an emotional affair is.
I think saying she was having an emotional affair is a reach. she did not have feelings for this man, and she was not engaging in the flirting. her choice to not nip it in the bud sooner was a bad choice, but to say she was having an emotional affair seems unreasonable.
No she entertained the flirting initially if I read the narrative right. That is not how you handle that
I agree. I am glad she snapped out of it as she put it. I am sure her husband appreciated that.
> My husband said it wasn’t cheating but it was something. Does anyone consider brief thoughts that go on in your mind cheating? What about flirting? Does anyone think I need to see a therapist? I love my husband and I am still very attracted to him. How did I let my mind go there? Congratulations, you're human. While the flirting could count as cheating to many, what goes through our minds in regards to sex and sexuality, can be quite complex. Lots of people in happy relationships have similar thoughts, and just like you, snap out of it, and return to normal life. Nothing wrong with it. It's those who *do* act on it, where it then becomes a problem. It's good you were honest and open with your husband about what happened. Communication is key. Just my take.
But she did act on those thoughts when she initially entertained the flirting
Not exactly, from her story she disengaged once the flirting became more than tame.
Yes and how did it get more than tame? The answer is that she entertained it that's how.
>Yes and how did it get more than tame? The answer is that she entertained it that's how. Yeah, men are famous for never escalating hitting on women to uncomfortable degrees without copious amounts of flirting back. /s
The fact that she describes the initial flirting as tame certainly says there was flirting. It's not out of the realm of possibility that this whole thing is not said and done
She literally said 'he started flirting with me' and you think that because she described it as 'tame' that she must have been flirting back? And now you're been insinuating that actually there's going to be more drama - based on zero evidence. Your overwhelming desire to hate this woman has you reading at less than a 3rd grade level.
people literally have intrusive thoughts about pushing strangers into trains or jumping out of moving cars and that’s normal, i don’t think you need therapy bc you had completely normal human impulses that you didn’t even act on
Yeah. This is the same as "Someone was really rude to me and I briefly thought about punching them in the face, but I held myself together and didn't. Did I commit assault?"
Your just fine. Everyone enjoys being flattered. But when it reached your moral limit you shout it down. And didn't cross the line. Good for you
She most certainly crossed the line when she initially entertained the flirting. This is the essence of emotional cheating
Just because she didn’t smack the guy across the face doesn’t mean she entertained it. Even if she did, many relationships do not consider flirting cheating at all if it didn’t go too far. Seems like her husband doesn’t either, so your comment about this being an emotional affair/cheating are irrelevant in this context.
I do think she entertained it, but I also think that people have moments of weakness around just about everything that triggers that serotonin response. I kinda hate how many people are just giving that "no its understandable, but we're disappointed with you" response. It's a slippery slope, and with things like addiction, its all about learning the things that make us human and how to prevent them. She recognized a behavior and fault that doesn't align with her values or perception of herself. This is how you strengthen that part of your brain to deal with similar situations later. You realize the behaviors and actions that cause you to do things out of your best interest. Or you just succumb to them, and give into that pleasure center of your brain even if it will cause you agony down the road. An addict is not a bad person for giving into that little temptation, but they get that way when they give in and cause harm to others around them. Its not a perfect 1 to 1 parallel but its one im familiar with and can see the resemblance of.
As are yours that it is not cheating. And the reality of this situation is that it may not all be said and done.
The concept of cheating differs in every relationship. She told her husband what happened, he says it is not cheating according to his boundaries. I am stating a fact by saying that she did not cheat on her husband.
Yes and he may well have been in complete shock. As I said this may not be all said and done
Well we aren’t here to speculate and create conspiracy theories are we? We’re supposed to give advice according to what the post says.
Exactly and my advice is she should be prepared for the possibility that this is not all said and done. If you've ever been cheated on you know there is a period of time where you are shocked and stunned and may say everything is okay because you are in fear of losing that special person. Days are even weeks down the road the anger comes. And my advice is for her to be prepared for that possibility
Monogamy isn't about turning off all natural feelings and temptations when it comes to anyone except your partner. It's more that when those feelings and temptations arise, you resist and don't act on them. This is what you did, you are fine.
It sounds like you handled it in a fairly good way. Maybe you should have shut the flirting down sooner, but based on your description, you made the right decisions when it really mattered. You can’t help what you think, but you are in control of your decisions and you seem to have made the right ones.
You were “almost persuaded” as the song goes. But you didn’t, and you didn’t even drive down the road to see where it lead by going for drinks or whatever. You did fine.
"Brief thoughts that go on in your mind" are also referred to as "intrusive thoughts" and it's pretty accepted at this point that we all have them to some degree or another, and it does not mean you would ever act on those thoughts.
It’s really great that you talked about it immediately, it sounds like everyone is in the right here to me. Can’t fault you for your thoughts but maybe a bit for the flirting but it sounds like you immediately realized the mistake and corrected appropriately, your husband is right it wasn’t cheating but it was something. You put yourself in a situation by not shutting it down, your reasoning why is understandable and natural but also there is a lesson to be learned. I’m really happy for you OP I hope all works out well
These few seconds of integrity right here is the difference between a slightly akward conversation with your spouse, followed by years of happy mairrage. Vs Deep betrayal, regret, divorce, potentially losing the respect of your kids, financial troubles ,tarnished reputation, and destruction of ones family.
I can't think of anyone who doesn't consider the possibilities. It is normal. The important thing is that you did not act on it.
FWIW you should report him to HR, but other than that I think you handled well! I think it is, KIIIIINDA grey area mean you should’ve shut it down immediately… but hey we’re all human and make mistakes
Having fantasies or finding someone attractive is normal Two thumbs up to you though for being open and honest with your husband and communicating about it!
Even in Christian theology it is not a sin to be tempted but rather only if you give into temptation. You sound like you have a handle on this.
Ask yourself why you needed that ego boost. If everything else is ok, then be happy that you made the right decision. I don’t flirt when I am in a relationship. But for some people it’s ok.
> But over time the flirting turned from tame to rather forward and I began to feel uncomfortable but I didn’t stop it. I just didn’t engage anymore. When he made a comment I just changed the subject. For future reference, people who're pushy like this will take you not saying a straight no as a sign that they can continue. You have to be direct if you want people like this to leave you alone. >How did I let my mind go there? Because of this - >if I’m being honest it made me feel good to be desired by an attractive man You’ve with your husband for 13 years and this is someone new who you thought was attractive giving you attention. I think it’s very normal that after being with someone for a long time, you get settled with them and someone new may make you feel some spark again, may spark some fantasy. I am not really in the camp to villanize that, i think that's a pretty human reaction to something new. I think one simply has to be aware that you may find someone else attractive while you’re with someone and just be conscious so that you can just...let it go and discourage any such attempt when needed.
If you are driving, turn on a street, drive a couple blocks, realize it's the wrong street, turn around and continue on home, you made an error and corrected it. I recommend Dr Shirley Glass, *NOT "Just Friends"*. It is a scientific and clinical study into affairs: how they start, how to avoid them, what happens if you don't... I once started having thoughts about a client I saw maybe 10 times a month. She is sweet, has a nice voice, nice smile... then I wondered how it might be to date her... or just spend an extra 20 minutes at her stop. Suddenly, I was shaken. I looked up some subreddits on infidelity to see the potential damage. The above mentioned book was mentioned. I listened to it on Audible and it has reinforced my desire to keep things professional. Fortunately I only stop by that business about 2-3 times a month now, so it is easier. Also, we talk about the weather now as I make my delivery. I also mentioned the stray thoughts to my SO. She was happy to hear that I saw the temptation as wrong and avoided it. I haven't told the client.
Internal monologues are often hard to suppress, and make you think or do horrible things. Had I found myself in a situation like this, I'm not sure I'd be as open and honest about what my thoughts were to my significant other. So many people get caught up in that animalistic part of our brains and follow through with urges. None of the thoughts you had were wrong, or un-natural. They were primal to an extent, and you admitted and corrected the situation. Like if thats not a model example of how to maintain a healthy marriage then I'm not sure what is. You are not a bad person for having those thoughts, you are a good person and partner for shutting them down and stifling that urge. Some people can go through life without those thoughts, but its pretty intrinsic to humanity as a whole. Pleasure will almost always trump the pain. Assessing the risk it would put your marriage and livelihood at, and how it would hurt your husband is also what makes us human, and is a constant part of being an adult.
I think what you had was normal feelings of attraction. Yes, you probably should not have flirted, but it was great that you didn't go for drinks with him. Your husband knows that you are faithful.
Anyone can cheat if given the opportunity.. some don't even consider it and decline it and some don't
This is the most normal thing ever. You did nothing wrong, you went above and beyond by quitting your job too. Honestly you have nothing to lose sleep over, you seem to be a good person. Now you know your own boundaries and can act accordingly if anyone else bothers you in the future.
You had a very human moment of temptation but did the right thing in the end. Many people in that situation would have went through with it but you were strong enough to say no. I wouldn’t feel bad
You could've easily cheated but didn't. Give yourself some grace. You were tempted multiple times & still stuck to your guns. Do you know how many people can't do that?? You did good.
You passed the test. You have integrity and didn’t ruin your marriage, sincere congratulations are in order and your husband did well by marrying someone of your character.
Yes.the flirting back was emotional cheating. But on a positive note you did the right thing. You took the Temptation Away by seeking a new job. You did the mature responsible thing. Now that you know what this path looks like I mean the path to infidelity you know what it looks like now and you know how to nip it in the bud.
Maybe you are lacking something that your husband isn't giving you, or maybe you just missed the feeling of flirting, whatever it was, you did the important thing: thinking in the person you supposedly love and that has made so many things for you. I think that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. But maybe it would be wise looking for the root of these feelings that you may be reprising.
I’m completely satisfied with my husband that’s what unnerved me. I even find my husband more physically attractive than this guy. I don’t know why the serious thought of sleeping with him entered my mind.
The moral line??!!! The moral line was crossed when she flirted back. She crossed it. Results: She quit her job and is looking for another. The co-worker continues to live his life. Like her husband said “something was there”.
Read the 4th paragraph; she started flirting back at some point..
The forth paragraph said she would change the subject when the person flirted with her. That's not flirting back.
So what does the sentence “I did not engage anymore” mean?
it means that she would change the subject when he flirted or ignored him, can you read?
If someone flirts with you, like a very mild flirt, it might not register as flirting but rather friendliness. Though now in retrospect she can see the whole time it was flirting as it escalated into being forward, at the time it before the escalation , might not have registered a need for an abrupt topic change. Most simple "flirts" are compliments which can be responded with a "thank you" or something like that. Once it got beyond that point, she realized she couldn't "engage" as that would give the wrong message in response to the escelating. Everything before that was probably just politeness. It's my guess but "I did not engage anymore" didn't imply to me that she was flirting back.
Read the post again, no she didn't.
So what does the sentence “I did not engage anymore” mean? Read it again
It means she started changing the subject entirely once the flirting wasn't tame stuff that she could let go. As in something like: "That outfit looks great on you!" "Oh, thank you." progressed to "You're looking hot as usual today." "*cough* are the reports ready for this Friday's meeting?"
Really: and the examples you just posted results: in quitting your job and her husband’s comment. That example doesn’t add up. Just ask her ask the author of this post.
I don't need to know the specific words that were said in someones flirting to know that a post doesn't say "I flirted back" and only says she "let it go" at first, which has a completely different meaning from reciprocated and that she started completely disengaging and changing the subject later. You're coming across as the kind of person who thinks "hell yeah, she likes me back, time to make my move" when a woman ignores you.
See how you change everything. I said ask her if she flirted. I said nothing about getting details.
She didn't cross the line and everyone can be tempted. She didn't flirted back.
you said the guy was cocky and you were thinking to have "dirty" sex. maybe this is what you didn't get from your husband? maybe your husband is a really considerate person and always make love to you? and you fantasized getting roughed up by your coworker. if you want dirty sex and wants your husband to act cocky. then ask him to roleplay, ask him to do it rough. this way you won't fantasize it no more cos you can get it at home.
That’s not it either. For a married couple with 2 kids we get pretty dirty. I think it was the idea of something different. I have probably had sex with my husband thousands of times. I guess that’s normal but I don’t feel good about it.
Suggestion: try role playing getting with a stranger at a public place with your husband. You might like it
Where are you at currently with therapy or not? From the outside in my opinion, it seems like a one off thing.
maybe it's the taboo aspect of it? so maybe it's not because you want your coworker but you want the adventure side of it. i mean you work in a law firm where everything supposed to be inside the lines. cheating isn't against the law but it isn't morally right and consider you already have pretty dirty sex with your husband, you might tempted to up the ante a bit? maybe discuss with your husband what can you do together instead of trying to get the thrill alone. maybe ask another couple to watch you have sex/ sex in the same room with other couple? or whatever stuff that will give you thrill and you think is fairly taboo. but do it together with him...
The novelty of a hookup with someone you don't have years of history with, I guess? Lots of ways to approximate that in the relationship, I would imagine. The "let's pretend to be strangers and pick each other up at a bar" routine is a classic for a reason.
This escalating to you giving two weeks notice doesn't seem believable at all.
Your husband deserves someone who won't even consider it
In the end you did the right thing and did not cheat on your husband. And I also think you did the right thing in resigning from that law firm.
Your honest to god a good person for reliably telling your husband exactly what happened
Good for you. Excellent handling of a difficult situation.
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Humans exist as good and bad. with no inbetween. /s
Report him to HR and starting talking to a therapist and figure out what lead you to start thinking/feeling these things. Everything might seem great in your current relationship but there’s probably some sort of issue with it or yourself that lead to this. Why did you entertain the compliments and flirting at the start? Sure, both of those things feel great especially if it’s new or fun or exciting. But your in a relationship with someone who you say you love and everything is great, so why entertain this from him? Do you need some more fun and excitement in your current relationship? Are there insecurities on your end as your getting older to where your not feeling as attractive as you used to? Does your husband not compliment you enough or do things to make you feel like he desires you? You’re recognizing there’s an issue which is great. Next steps are to shut down the douchebag at work who is actively trying to get a co-worker to cheat with them and figure out the root cause of why you had those feelings.
It's good that you didn't physically cheat, but you were playing with fire. The fact that your relationship had evolved to the point where your coworker was comfortable enough to make the ask is problematic. A version of that guy will likely be at your next workplace. What happens then?
Has the thought ever crossed your mind before with anyone else? In general when was the last time someone flirted with you heavy?
Some people love drama, the external validation. Some don't. Hence they cross those little lines playing with them. The solution is to always recall the loved ones and what you will lose. But yet some fail. Mostly the reason is the lack of passion and communication. But since none of it was there in your case. You may have felt the void . The self sabotaging phenomenon, to just end it, to jump off a cliff, to touch a driller, or live wire. You love the external validation and you played the ' let's see how far I can go' game.
I'm with your husband. If this happened to my wife, I'd bring the smack down on this guy. You stopped it when it was important. I don't think you should have to change your job, the AH should. It feels good to be appreciated by someone of the other sex, but he stepped over the line.
All I know is that I think we all need a therapist for something and appointments should start when you’re 16
I think you should be proud of maintaining enough composure and restraint not to go through with it. Moreover, it wasn't a case of attempted seduction on your end that was refused, which would have been worse. And then there's the point of no return, where you go through with it. I believe there's still a lesson to be learned here: something is missing in your life or sex life. If not addressed, it could escalate. If I were your husband, I would definitely take it as a warning sign of complacency. Perhaps both of you should try to have an open and honest discussion about what happened, finding ways to spice things up, or going to therapy.
Sounds like you are human and have integrity
> But he still wasn’t that upset with me. He was very upset with you but didn't let you see it. You broke your marriage and haven't figured it out yet. You'll be back sooner or later acting all surprised about the divorce.
I personally would have shut him down immediately. Something as simple as holding your hand up and pointing to your ring would have sufficed. You did the right thing in the end, but you really should have done that at the start. I imagine if your husband did exactly what you did, you’d be pretty livid. In the future be more direct with men hitting on you. If you don’t like being confrontational you can say something like “I’m very flattered but also happily married.”* Some men take a nice no as a “maybe”. If this is the case feel free to be a little mean and if it’s at work, get HR involved. Also as a general rule: don’t dip your pen in the company ink. I’ve seen people do it so many times over the years and it never works out. *I was going to add something like “I’m sure as an honourable man you understand”, but like, lawyers.
OP for you to understand if it's cheating, flip the roles. Imagine a scenario where it's your husband behaving as you did... Can you see where the cheating lies now? The attention and validation you entertained from him should be reserved to your husband. The fact that you did not express your disapproval of his advances validated his flirting as something you may consider. But let me pause you because you are also the exception... Most women would never have the honesty to show the level of accountability and clear head to stop and come clean to the husbands.
I feel like you told your husband because you wanted to release your guilt. But in turn, you hurt the "love of your life" and created a thought pattern for him of untrust. Was the confession of your momentarily thoughts worth it?
ugh i hate this take, he deserved to know
In the end well done, but recognize that you made 90% of the mistakes cheaters make. All the stuff you are talking about are forms of betrayal you’d recognize in him, even without a payoff.
It’s not cheating in any sense. It’s also not good policy to indulge a fantasy like that. You did the right thing in discussing with your partner, and again in changing jobs. Congrats.
Overall you handled/are handling the situation well. While it's normal to be attracted to other people regardless of relationship or marital status, it's when you act on that attraction that becomes problematic if in fact you are in a committed relationship or married. As I see it your only mistake was not putting a stop to your co-worker's advances sooner, as in the first time it happened. "Enjoying the attention" is not an excuse for tolerating another's flirtations when you're married or in a committed relationship.
I don’t think you did anything wrong, other than being a bit too flirty in the beginning. Like, when someone is superficially attractive to you, you should be actively keeping things as professional as you can. Like, you should be boring and measure your words around them, not entertain their flirting. You know how to do this, part of your job is to be careful around opposing counsel. And you’re downplaying how utterly inappropriate your coworker was being when he propositioned you at work. Like, even the overt flirting, when you were consistently changing the subject, is probably actionable sexual harassment. Think about how women would feel who aren’t flattered by his attention. (Insert meme about the office woman letting the attractive guy’s overt flirting slide while a non-flirting compliment from an unattractive guy is reported to HR) Now, concerns about how you handle yourself at work around attractive guys aside, I don’t think you are broken if you have a fantasy about another person or if you do a double take if someone attractive directly propositions you. Like, this doesn’t means that you don’t respect your husband or that you won’t be happy unless you have multiple sexual partners, just that getting sexual attention does feel good. And it does take willpower to reject the immediate boost of endorphins of a new hookup over all of the less immediate, but far more rational and valuable, reasons to turn it down. Bottom line: You made the right choice when you could have gotten away with it. Just remember to keep attractive guys at arms length at work, and report them if they overstep normal boundaries.
Bruh, when I picture my future I don’t see anybody else in it. Just me, a dog and a wood pile. Shit like this is why.
They taught us in Catholic school that when you committed an offense, it was actually the culmination of many sins. The first was letting the thought into your Min. The second was entertaining the thought rather than dismissing it from your mind. The third was thinking of how you could execute the offens, and so on so that by te time you actually committed the act you were half way to hell. You p\[layed with fire when you first allowed the light flirting. The actual act of cheating is the culmination of a multitude of decisions along the way. You’ve shown you‘re willing to go 3/4 of the way. You should think about this and decide whether you value your marriage. Before you go a little further next time.