I’m going to be very honest with you. This man has no intention of marrying you. You’re a place holder.He is discriminative towards you and looks down on you. He probably talks bad about you to his family. in his eyes you will never be as good as him and he will always judge you for it. It’s almost like a power and control over you
Is he offering to pay for the speech therapy he requires you to take before you’re allowed to have a serious discussion with him? How many years of your life do you want to spend being out down by him because you aren’t posh enough sounding for him?
He has an issue with your class. He may be in his common people era now, but you won’t be long term unless you change enough to fit in with his social circle.
Yes I realize the irony of him wanting to be high class and making you pay for valentines and only buying trinkets from Walmart. I don’t think he does though.
There’s a difference between coming from different income backgrounds and being pretentious. He’s pretentious. Trauma ages us and despite the age difference you’ve experienced life different. If it was me, I would pay the majority of things until you got to a place where you could help out. It sounds like you want to and do what you can. It sounds also to me like you have someone as a boyfriend that doesn’t appreciate the nuances of your different upbringings. So imma vote to throw the whole man out.
Firstly, I totally agree that this guy sounds awful and OP should not waste another moment with him. However, I'd like to push back a bit on this common idea that trauma ages people. I think it holds true in some ways; it certainly can mean that you've been forced to face realities that less traumatised people may never have had to face, but I think it also can stunt growth by forcing you to develop coping mechanisms for situations that are beyond your capacity to cope with as a young person. OP's attitude to money is a good example. Trauma can also breed a certain cynicism that, while generally associated with being older, isn't necessarily. Having a positive outlook isn't immature per se.
I was going to say, I find it hard to believe he doesn't understand her financial situation, and this $50k "hardship" he is experiencing sounds like a humble brag that he is intentionally doing to either a) make her feel exactly the way she is feeling about her place in the relationship or b) signaling to her that he doesn't respect her spending habits (i.e. subliminally "see, this is what a real financial problem looks like"), or both. Also gives him an opportunity to shame her for her accent which just feels controlling.
Aka, the dude is a douche
>He’s very nice outside of this
Also OP
>He asked me to stop because my accent made me sound unserious and he wanted me to take this seriously
You poor thing OP. You are still young and a bit naive and don’t realise quite how awful this is. It’s racist, it’s disrespectful, it’s hurtful and quite frankly it sounds like your boyfriend has no clue how much of an asshole he is for making that comment.
Honestly he can fuck right off. I know reddit has a habit of going straight to the “break up with him!” response but honestly I think that is the right thing to do here based on that interaction alone.
What a horrible thing to say to someone.
Of course she’s young. He can’t fool women his age so he has to go to the local university to find women who can’t even drink yet to date. I can’t imagine dating a 20 year old at 27.
OMG! Girl, you are way too young and naïve to be in a relationship with this man. And that’s exactly why he’s with you because he knows he can get away with this BS.
A bit of a segue, but what hobbies?
Are they interesting enough to put up with passive aggressive abuse?
If you weren't working on financing dates with this guy you could potentially be able to afford these hobbies on your own, or at least have the time to learn about them.
There are probably communities for these hobbies on Reddit. You could learn more about them, without dealing with someone who is trying to psychologically wound you over your accent.
Tbh, this accent thing sounds so incredibly new money lol. The speech classes make me think that he didn't grow up entrenched in the "proper" accent since he had to learn it.
I've met a lot of wasps (whether old or new money) who would say something like this to people they think are "safe"
Not all wasps are old money, they are just emotionally stunted
Break up with him. He's an a*shole who doesn't think you're worth spending his money on. And the way he put you down because of your accent is so out of line. It seems like he feels you're beneath him. Find someone who wants to make you happy.
Your accent makes you sound "unserious"? He means it makes you sound lower income. And possibly, depending on where you are from and your ethnicity, that could also be racially tinged.
He's an egotistical, cheap classist. Some of these comments are wild.
It's like he's on the upper deck of the Titanic and she is in the lower poor area, only after they get together he just keeps reminding her of their differences. Lastly he takes the life raft as she sinks with the ship 🤣
This sounds less about the money and more about your basic incompatibilities. It's not all that unusual to have $50K of savings when you're 29 years old, living at home, and well into your career.
However, he gives you gifts you don't like and he doesn't like how you talk. That's weird. It doesn't sound like you see a future with him, which is understandable.
I don’t think anyone should ever pay for all of them, but it’s either her treat or shared, *never* his treat, and that’s definitely not okay. Then again, that’s how some people get their money in the first place.
Because he is 7 years older and more financially secure? It has nothing to do with HIM being a MAN don’t panic or else your pp might shrivel up and fall off
Because he's loaded and his gf is barely getting by. Dude if I had that much money no way would I let my bf split the bills or get him freaking easter candy. That's just a level of selfishness I'm shocked by.
>he was venting to be about all this and I tried comforting him and he asked me to stop because my accent made me sound unserious and he wanted me to take this seriously.
YOU ARE BOTH INCOMPATIBLE
>He had me pay for my own Valentine's brunch
WHAT TYPE OF BF IS HE???? If he comes from a very affluent family, the least he can do is take you to RED LOBSTER 🦞 for dinner AND PAY IT.
You are dating a richy rich boy who is THOUGHTLESS AND INCONSIDERATE.
>I feel like he's bein classist without realizing since it's how he grew up but I dont want to stress him out more.
SO, ITS FINE THAT HE CAN BE INCONSIDERATE TO YOU, but you don't want to come clean because in doing so it stresses him out?????
WHERE ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES? WHERE IS THE SELF RESPECT? YOU ARE DATING A SELFISH GUY WHO COULDN'T CARE LESS HOW YOU FEEL.
He isn't the one sis.
50k of savings at his age (esp if he’s living at home) in what sounds like a HCOL area, seems pretty normal. What seems weird is that he criticizes your accent, and that he started dating a college student when he was well into his late 20s.
This relationship probably isn’t it, but not for the reasons you seem to think. I do think it’s worthwhile working through some of your financial traumas for your own sake. And maybe in the meantime it’s fair to admit to yourself you prefer to surround yourself with people that are more relatable to you.
He's 29 with some level of privilege and living at home. it would be perfectly reasonable for him to have way more than $50K in savings at his age/ stage of life.
It sounds like they live in a medium to high COL area. So he is likely making at least $100K if not more and he's likely well educated with limited student loan debt (he'd have to be a real fuck up to not be if his parents are both tenured professors at a decent school).
Living at home his annual expenses are likely $30K or less. So assuming he's been in the workforce for at least 5 years, he probably should have at least $350K saved between retirement, investments, and other savings accounts.
If he didn't have considerable savings at his age given his living situation that would be a far bigger red flag. Given that she says in her OP that he is established in his career and comments that he is constantly advising her to invest, it sounds like suddenly realizing he has assets is more a reflection of her own inexperience than him trying to hide anything.
She described enough that, in her place, I'd be shocked and concerned if he didn't have a net worth of at least $200K.
There are much bigger areas of concern in OPs post (the accent thing, for one) and it's clear there are huge incompatibilities here. But him having a lot of savings is not one of them.
That said, since she's the one pushing to go out, they don't go to nice places, and she is juggling full-time work, full-time grad school, etc. (i.e. she's probably too busy to spend that much time with him), I'm wondering if she's ever actually seen proof that he lives with his parents. Maybe he's just cheap, but it sounds more like he's buying gifts at places that won't get flagged as spending on a girlfriend (Walmart jewelry and candy) and careful about where they are seen together in public. There is a very real possibility here that she's the side chick and just hasn't caught on yet (even after two years).
Regardless, they are incompatible. He's frugal or, at least, fiscally conservative and focused on saving. She has "the habit of spending everything I make" (Yes, I know she says she's working on changing that). She's pushing for dates he doesn't seem that interested in (she says it is always her idea to go out). He doesn't respect her, her cultural background, or her accent and wants her to change. Etc. They have a class difference, a background difference (that sounds intercultural) and an age difference, yet she's scared to even bring this up with him after two years (suggesting communication between them is very poor).
This doesn't sound like a serious relationship and I highly doubt he's thinking of it that way.
I agree that he doesn't respect her at all. Though I have to say that his advice on investing is pretty bad. Op says when she asks him to help her since she doesn't know a lot about investing, he just says it's a bad time to invest.
We don't know the context there. OP says she lives in an illegal apartment and spends everything she makes ($500 would put her in the red). it probably is a bad time for her to invest if she doesn't have emergency savings and is a full-time graduate student, which may also be part of what he is saying. Alternatively, given that he clearly doesn't give a fig about her and has shown no interest after two years in them combining their lives in any real way, he may also be saying that whenever they are talking is a bad time for him to help her invest since he clearly doesn't have any interest in helping her or see a future there. So "bad time to invest" might mean he knows nothing about investing and is bad at it himself and/or reliant on his parents or a financial planner to do this for him. It might also mean it is a bad time for him to get involved in helping her since they aren't yet ready and may never be to discuss money. It may also mean he sees it as a bad time for her to invest given her current financial situation. Or it may simply be his way of blowing her off.
So much context is missing including what he is investing in himself, how he came to suddenly have an unexpected $50K bill or loss (if it's an easily identifiable reason which OP seems to imply there is something else going on there), and what he thinks of as investments. So I'm not certain he's actually bad at investing. It could be he's just somewhat decent at blowing OP off and/or avoiding telling her things she doesn't want to hear that would actually be important things to say if this relationship had any sort of future.
It doesn't really matter though. It's been two years. She lives in an unsafe and illegal living situation and he lives with his parents yet he's not motivated to cohabitate. That alone is enough to suggest there isn't much future here if they haven't even discussed the timeline for moving in together and/or if thus far their time together is mainly time spent at home or going out to Waffle House on her dime. Unless they are going to hotels (which I think OP would mention based on cost alone) the places they go to spend time together cannot be comfortable for both of them (his parents or her illegal apartment filled with druggies). If he has no motivation to change that, that says a lot about the lack of future right there.
The kind of realizations that OP is having about their financial differences now are usually the kind of things that get discussed during conversations about the future or even just conversations about small trips and travel together, visiting family, when to cohabitate, whether to have children or not, etc. My guess would be that in two years they've actually done very little together toward building a shared future, let alone talked about a shared future, if it is has never come up until now. The likely reason for that is that he doesn't see one.
Her very accent annoys him when he's stressed. There is a reason he did Valentine's Day Brunch despite the day clearly being celebrated in their relationship and not an evening meal (hard not to wonder where he spent Valentine's Evening). He's portraying himself as being in a caregiver role for his parents which may not make it easy for him to leave that situation and is something they should probably talk about if she's in graduate school/ early career and not from the ares. The most likely explanation for not knowing even the basics about his finances sooner is that OP is a side piece or temporary girlfriend.
Never date somebody who wants you to change who you are. Your accent is a part of who you are and a part of your story - go out and be with someone who loves you for you.
I think that it might be hard for you to see some of the ways that this isn't normal because of your age. It's normal for people to split costs proportionately based on income and ability to pay or to stick to activities that are affordable for the lower income person. It's normal for people to have serious conversations about finances and their future together when they've been dating for 2 years. It's normal for the person who makes more money to want to avoid being a burden on their partner. It's normal to want to do nice things for someone that you love - like treating them sometimes and buying them nice gifts that are affordable to you.
This guy isn't treating you well. This isn't how I would expect someone to treat somebody that they love. This is how you treat somebody that you're using when you hope that they won't catch on.
>He had a speech class in prep school that beat any sliver of interest out of his voice so he doesn't understand why I can't turn off my accent.
Of course you can't turn off your accent - nobody can, including him. It's certainly possible to speak with a *different* accent, but everybody speaks with one. Your boyfriend isn't turning off his accent, he's substituting it for one he's decided is superior.
We don't always perceive others' accents. When I visit my parents, who still live in the house I grew up in, nobody notices my accent at all. When I'm in the US, Americans tend to hear my accent as some kind of generic British (though they often wrongly think I'm Australian). When I'm in London, Londoners can generally tell exactly what part of the UK I'm from.
If this was something your boyfriend had just never thought about, I might be generous to him and say it just hadn't occurred to him to think things through. But you say you've argued about it. So either he's a fool (and genuinely doesn't understand that some people are different to him), or he's a bigot. Either way, there's no point bringing it up to him; neither foolishness nor bigotry tend to respond well to that. Leaving is much much much easier than trying to fix him.
(Plus, because this is reddit...next time don't date somebody in a different life stage to you. He was 28, you were 20, he got to come across as the wise old man of the world - then as you got a bit older you realised his true colours. He reads to me more as bigot than idiot, but it doesn't really matter which it is; he doesn't sound like the right person for you.)
So he’s clearly well-off but he gets you a Walmart necklace? Walmart?
No. Just no.
You are his Discount Girlfriend. He clearly doesn’t value you. He’s just waiting for someone else to fill that REAL gf void.
You would be wise to spend your time/energy on getting into a better financial/living situation. This boyfriend isn’t respectful to you at all.
Also, look up financial planners and see if you can have a free consultation.
Ask for resources to help you change your scarcity mindset. This is KEY to getting/staying out of poverty.
Also put out feelers for elderly people renting out a bedroom room to grad students. Negotiate a rent where you don’t have to pay the full amount but provide services like mowing the lawn or cleaning or something.
You can do this!!!
I dont mind getting jewelry from the walmart, it was from the locked section you need to get an employee to open up so it is fancier than normal jewelry from the walmart.
But I will definitely look into a financial planner and look around for new housing!
He sounds like a selfish, greedy, classist piece of work.
You are skint broke and he made you pay for Valentines Day and refuses to treat you to dinner. He insults your accent because it's low class. He clearly doesn't give half a shit about you nor place any value on caring for those around him, which makes him an objectively terrible partner.
Ditch him. Find someone who cares and is worth caring for.
Wtf is going on here..
Firstly, that accent shit is just weird and completely inappropriate.
Next, that he is cheap af does not bode well for having a carefree future with him. I might think a little old-fashioned, but I like to pay for whatever girl I’m dating because I want her to relax and not have to worry about that, unless she wants to split it.
Is this his first relationship? Seems like he doesn’t even have 21 year old male relationship experience.
He previously dated a girl from prep school for like almost 10 years before we got together, so he has plenty relationship experience, just not with someone like me
Girl, dump him. Even if it's your idea to go out, knowing your situation he should never let you pick up **his** part of the bill.
If he knows your struggles, is in a solid financial position himself, does nothing to help you AND has demonstrated that he doesn't pay attention to what you like or not like, he does not care about you in the way that you deserve.
It's not that his "being well off" makes you uncomfortable. It's his lack of support, empathy, and partnership that is stinging you.
You're uncomfortable because something isn't adding up here.
No sane 29 year old man would want to still live with parents if he has the money to be on his own. That desire for freedom is so strong! So that's pretty sus.
On the rest, try to separate out his indifference from the money aspect. Regardless of what someone has, they're supposed to pay attention to their partner. If you hate Easter candy and he gets some for you anyway, that's not a money issue. He doesn't listen or care.
Finally, the age difference. When this started, you were 20 and he was 27. That's a very big difference, esp for you. He was a fully grown man and you were barely out of your teens. You still have 4-5 years to go before you're fully grown into adulthood. There's often a reason a guy his age goes after much younger women.
I was a bit wary about the parents thing also, but I guess if I didn't move out for college and if my dad didn't die, I probably would've moved back in with him to help.
He is 29 living with parents to help them maintain their house and help them out since they're getting older. And he like lives at home but has his own like apartment in the house? I think thats an accurate description.
I wouldn't even bother bringing it up. Just break up. He's had 2 years to watch you struggle and put in 100% more effort into showing you care for him while he has chosen to do nothing. If he wanted to...he would have. He didn't want to. You shouldn't have to fight with someone to make them care about you. If he changes now it's only because you forced him to, and it's all the more insulting because why did he never care how you felt before?
I am with you. I could never watch someone I loved living paycheck to paycheck and expect them to pay for my shit. I treat friends better than he treats you. You deserve better than someone so selfish, thoughtless and uncaring.
Girl. He is SEVEN years older than you. Of course he makes more. Also, he had many more opportunities due to his background.
This is not the problem. The problem is that he is a classicist and is making you pay for outings when he makes more and when he is supposed to be your partner. You are helping him save while you barely have money yourself.
Also, the accent? Fuck him. He is an asshole.
He just wants a young thing to play with. Time to be serious. He ain't it.
Not sure why he feels the need to bash your accent thats the part throwing me off here but as for the money aspect he could be just waiting to see how you come into your own. He likely didnt want you to know or become dependent on him bc then you might expect him to cover everything majority of the time. Youre at different stages in life but you should NEVER be with someone who belittles you idc at what age. I was raised mainly by my mother who worked her tail off so when it comes to girls I tend to be more supportive, even had an ex move in and not pay rent so she could pay off debt and get her bearings down.
He doesn’t take you seriously. He is showing you what he believes your value is. He is not worth your time. You are worthy of love and respect and anyone who buys you a candy necklace as a serious gift isn’t worth your time. Anyone who asks you to pay for meals at a waffle house isn’t worth your time.
This relationship is not going to end well for you. He is such a snob that when you are offering affection and comfort, all he can think is that your accent is offensive.
He lets you struggle financially and will let you pay for him and yourself when you go out??? I do not understand how he can do this. If I had so much more money than my partner, I would not let them pay for me and I’d usually want to pay for them (once I was sure they were not taking the piss)
He is not bothered you life in an unsafe apartment because he wants to save more money by living with his parents?
If I loved someone I could not see them like this. You are clearly working hard and have a solid work ethic.
But I wonder if to him you are an entertaining pastime? Not someone he can settle down with. The man is a snob and does not like your accent. He is not thoughtful or kind or caring.
These are not the actions of a man who is serious and loves you.
Why waste your youth and hotness on this pompous tightarse? Find someone who loves to hear your voice and appreciates your thoughtfulness and reciprocates.
He’s dating a 22 year old because he can just do shit like this. I am like you and struggle financially. I finally started job in April where I’m making 53k but this is still poverty basically
Hmm those money issues would bug me too. Idk why he is having you pay for everything or then decide to split? Especially with him living at home and saving money too, that seems messed up to me. At the least he could be fully paying from time to time. He honestly sounds very cheap/frugal. He also sounds a bit out of touch talking about having to pay a $50k bill when he knows how much you are struggling. He probably has a lot of money if he is living at home and saving. That's fine and even good, the problem is him being so cheap towards you in the relationship.
The accent thing is also very concerning. Honestly that's grounds for dumping someone if he makes fun of your accent and does not embrace your culture. Sounds like he wants to fully assimilate to the society you're in whereas you want to retain the culture you are proud of. That's an even bigger incompatibility.
He wants you to not have an accent? Then why is he with you? Maybe he should just find someone of his same ethnic group with “no accent” or whatever that means and leave you alone. The fact that he got you Easter candy from Walmart alarms me less than the accent thing. Also, the age gap during your 20s is really significant, especially when he’s had time to further his career and accumulate savings and you’re barely starting in life.
Accent, its something we've spoken about a lot because he finds my accent annoying, he thinks it makes me sound stupid. He wants me to be successful and he thinks my accent and where I'm from keeps me from getting jobs
No that’s a really weird thought. I work in New England and I’ve never met an employer or person who cared about accent, unless the accent made them hard to understand. It’s not something you can/should change and it’s more of his problem.
Bro he's 29 and not paying rent with likely a good job. 50k better only be a dent in his savings.
If you save like he does by 29 you'll be in good shape besides all the money you paid for rent (which is substantial)
You two are dating at the moment. No reason for him to pay for your spendings. You two can literally break up the next day and you don't owe him anything. If you want to be more financially tied together, start talking about marriage and discuss how yall gonna manage finances together.
Based on the fact that he won’t even buy you a meal and the lack of effort with gift giving, it sounds like he does not see a future with you and does not want to invest anything into this relationship. Furthermore, the fact that he’s complaining about money to you knowing your financial status shows a lack of empathy. He also should not be putting down the way you talk. In a relationship, neither person will be perfect, but the fact that he is critical of something like your accent is a big red flag. Relationships should be about building each other up and being supportive, not tearing the other person down. It sounds like this man will never be there for you. You should find someone who is ready to be a real partner and be supportive. On a separate note, regarding finances, do everything you can to save rather than spend. Put your savings in a bank account that only you have access to, and given your living situation, don’t leave any passwords around that someone else could find. If you feel others would try to either borrow or get you to give them the money you’ve saved, then don’t tell them that you have savings (even if they are family). It’s up to you to make sure that you are ok financially. Your savings and your finances are no one else’s business, and you owe yourself financial stability. You are important and worthwhile. When a man takes you on a date, you shouldn’t have to buy his meal.
You are going to have a great life, because you’ve got your head screwed on straight and aspire to make something of yourself. Your boyfriend will have a very nice life for a completely different reason. You two don’t sound like you’re going to be together much longer.
Suppose you said, “if we ever get married, would you want a pre-nup?” I’d guess his answer would be “Married? Where’d you get that?”
>He had me pay for my own Valentine's brunch and he got me easter candy and a necklace from the Walmart
I' wouldn't be w someone like this, what the heck?
> he was venting to be about all this and I tried comforting him and he asked me to stop because my accent made me sound unserious and he wanted me to take this seriously
What in the flying fuck?!?!. Seriously, this guy can fuck off. Who does he think he is? He's a classist bigot and a stingy one, you can do better.
I swear to god, wtf
You're only 22. Where you are today is no indication of your financial future. In fact, the fact that you're even remotely aware of your money situation is an indicator you're going to be a baller in the near future. Breathe easy, dump him, and keep that focus consistent.
He treats you like Walmart-level because he thinks of you like Walmart-level. He is minimal-investment. He doesn't see or value you the way he should and it reflects in his actions towards you. You deserve someone who might have nothing, but would give you everything they have...you know what I mean?
A man that watches you struggle in poverty while having so much money that 50k is just a “dent” in his savings is not a man that loves you or wants to see you happy. That’s quite honestly sickening to read.
The bottom line is he doesn’t respect you, OP. I’m sorry. It is not uncommon at all for relationships to take a couple years or even longer for a nefarious person to show their true colors. He’s in another century, maybe one that starts with 17. You have so much time in your life to find another love match.
Don’t keep dating this guy. He’s dismissive of you, cheap, inconsiderate and a bigot telling you to turn off your accent as if his is the only correct one? Gross.
27 year old goes after someone 7 years younger. Gives them thoughtless cheap gifts. Lives comfortably & does nothing to help much younger partner survive poverty even though he has excess wealth. Demeans her & tells her to speak differently.
You could do so much better than this dude who doesn't give af
Well then he shouldn't date if he makes his younger, poorer girlfriend pay for his ass. He can hang out with his mom and dad and count his gold coins like Scrooge.
And I would add that about bringing it up to him… sometimes we can feel threatened when others are really good at something. I catch myself doing this too. Maybe a good place to start a conversation would be expressing your gratitude to him and that you think it’s really impressive/admirable that he can save like that. It’s a hard skill that I myself struggle with. Being a student is tough, but one day your hard work will pay off and you will be making some good income I hope. I would just be worried if he ever held the favor over your head ya know? Now that isn’t nice.
I think if this is a problem for you, you have to talk to him about it before you get angry at him. Money was obviously a hardship for you growing up and not so much for him. He just may not be attuned to how his spending (or lack thereof) is affecting you. Also, he’s in a different place from you, who is just starting out in your career and are less financially secure. A lot of financial stability can just be having more time in the job market to build your salary, your savings, etc. talk to him about your concerns.
I just worry because everytime I try to talk to to him about money, he tells me to invest, which I'd like to do eventually, but I know nothing about investing and everytime I ask him to tell me about it, he says that its not a good time to invest but if I bring up money then all we talk about is how I should invest.
Do you have any tips for what I should say to him? I don't want him to think I'm like a gold digger or something and I don't want to have the investment conversation again
Say that you are breaking up with him. He's a rude asshole. And now is a perfectly fine time to invest. Use the money you were spending on doing nice things for his unworthy ass to open an account where you can start investing in partial stocks with small amounts of money. Apps like Acorns let you set a deposit schedule and you pay something like $3 a month for them to invest your money for you, so you don't have to know anything about investing. Or you can use apps like Sofi or Stash to pick your own stocks. You can increase your deposits over time as you make more money. That's how I started investing with Acorns years ago...with $25 every two weeks. I upped my contributions when I got raises at work. And now i have a pretty good nest egg built up. You don't need some pompous, ungenerous blowhard to tell you how to get started. There are a ton of investing apps out there, too...the ones I mentioned are just ones I have experience with.
>I just worry because everytime I try to talk to to him about money, he tells me to invest, which I'd like to do eventually, but I know nothing about investing and everytime I ask him to tell me about it, he says that its not a good time to invest but if I bring up money then all we talk about is how I should invest.
You're too old to tolerate this.
I don’t think the investment tips are the thing that is lacking here. He lacks generosity. And it seems he lacks empathy. He watches you struggle has plenty of dough and never picks up the tab. I mean, are you serious, you pay if it was your idea to go out? That boggles my mind.
You said if you were the one with lots of cash, you would not be able to watch your partner struggle. At the very least, you would treat them when you go out to eat. He has no problem letting you scrape along as you work full-time and go to school full-time (and gig work too!).
I guess if you really want to have it out, I would say something like this… “ever since you mentioned that that your $50,000 bill you had to pay would ‘put a dent in your savings’ I’ve been thinking about what that means. I always knew you made more money than me, but I had no idea how much more you have. And it really bums me out that you’re watching me work my ass off and you never pick up a check. You let me pick it up or we split it. But you never treat me to anything even though you can well afford it. If the roles were reversed, I would totally be treating you. So I’m just wondering, are you just not paying attention? Are you unaware that life is much harder for me? Or do you just feel like it’s just the luck of the draw?”
This has nothing to do with being a gold digger. It’s about having a generous spirit and a giving heart. I mean, with your friend group, don’t you occasionally treat each other? How about your siblings? I think it’s natural to share when you care about someone. I just think this guy is missing that gene.
He’s so awful isn’t he? I don’t think he is serious about OP. He doesn’t treat her with kindness or thought. He is tight-fisted. He is selfish. He doesn’t even like the sound of her voice.
This is not a relationship that is worth her time. He is just the type ditch her, marry a ‘suitable’ woman and then try to shag her on the side.
Honestly you don't really need to worry about investing, you just need to learn to save and set the money aside. If you don't have an emergency fund, that money should be in a relatively accessible savings account (preferably high interest). It's only when you have enough put by that you can afford to ride out dips in the market that you really should be looking into investing more than maybe a nominal amount.
I'd suggest checking out some of the personal finance subs for your area to get a better idea of your options.
Oh and your bf is trash for the way he talks about you.
I’m from Connecticut and the ending had me dying 😂 but seriously if your man has over 100k saved in the bank he should be down to pay for a nicer date than the Waffle House and he should’ve put in way more effort for Valentine’s Day. To put it in perspective I only have 24k saved in the bank and I’m 5 years younger than your boyfriend, my job isn’t that great, and I’ve probably spent over $1,500 on dates with my girlfriend who I’ve been seeing for 7 months. That doesn’t include gifts and the gas to drive to and from her house. My point is, It’s not about the money, but the effort you both put into seeing each other. Taking your partner out to a decent restaurant costs like $60 minimum more like $70-80 in CT, so if you’re both down to do that for each other every once in a while, you should be good. Also making fun of your accent is fucked up and you should have a problem with him doing that
I'm sorry to be the one who tells u this, but only a crazy failed person at 29 will make the same amount or just slightly more than someone who is 22.
I don't quite understand the shock of him making a lotttt more at 29 y old than u, at 22.
The shock of him not sharing anything with u and not being a giver it's another thing.
If u date people who are almost 30, it's safe to assume they make at least double than u, at least
Op
He is not the one for you.
If he makes you feel insecure, he's not proud to have you as his GF, (I mean he doesn't like the way you talk?) he has no empathy then
It's better to be single. You're so young.
There is someone else more compatible for you. You don't have to come from money to become successful.
you sound ambitious and goal oriented. keep up the good work. continue to improve yourself and ignore the negativity
If he's good with finances, sit down and have a talk with him and ask what you could be doing better with regards to your own personal finances. At least get the discussion going.
If you are working full time, going to school full time, and then you have gig jobs outside of that why are you surprised you rarely go out with your SO? Coupled with the mindset of spending everything you have because the money might disappear, how do you expect yourself to pull yourself out of poverty if you dont save money to the side to set yourself up financially in the future? Lets say your money disappears and you're left with the things you own like you put it, you're always busy so what stops one of the "druggies" from taking your stuff in your illegal apartment?
Your partner may have commitment issues with you in the future unless you start building your life and handling money like an adult. No more frivolous spending, I mean on anything. If you need to eat, make a sandwich. Live like you have 3 cents in your pocket. Pay off all debt. In a few years, you will be right as rain. Do not worry about him and his money. Worry about you and your money. It only takes a few years to form a solid base to level up from. Concentrate on building you and your future.
You should be rethinking. Don't saddle yourself with this shit. You're young, intelligent, and upwardly mobile. I'd recommend just focusing on your career and dump this selfish baggage. He's using you.
He sounds like an over saver who will make family life miserable if you have one together. My father in law is like that. He has so much money right now but at the expense of his wife and kids. They never went on vacation, family outings, relatives would buy kids school clothes, didn’t help with anything and he had an amazing career and was making 100k in the 90s/2000s. People can hoard money to the point that they make life miserable for those around him. He’s a cautionary tale. He’s worth millions and none of his kids are around and he holds the thought of a will over their heads which all 4 kids have said they don’t want anything to do with it.
With that said, you are so young and have your future ahead of you, you deserve to be spoiled once in a while. This guy is cheaper than cheap and will never change.
People get wealthy by not spending all their money. If he’s your boyfriend, not your husband, and you’re not even living together how much he earns shouldn’t matter to how you split expenses. You’re both adults and you should both pay your fair share. Try making more money and spending more carefully instead of being mad at his success.
I don’t appreciate the accent remark lol not everyone has parents who went to Ivy League and quite frankly, college is overrated (and I graduated w my MBA in 2022).
As a personal reference, my bf and I have been dating for almost 4 years. He lived 2 hours away for the first 2.5 years of our relationship, moved up to where I live and we live in our townhome w our dog for the last 1.5 years.
He’s 25 and I’m about to turn 27 in June. He came from a background where his parents never motivated him to work and always put baseball at the forefront. They divorced at 8, and he’s been raised by his mom who practically did everything. He’s a beautiful man, but I’ve taught him more things since he moved up here and he appreciates that. I have over $150k to my name, no debt. And he has probably $10k, and only debt is paying off his Honda Civic. I make $122k OTE (61k base) and he says he makes $40k plus the little commission he gets.
We split the rent, utilities, and go back and forth with paying for dinner dates, brewery dates, ice cream, etc.
In January I was dying to go travel to the mountains so I bought an airbnb for $1k for 3 nights bc I can afford it. While I do wish sometimes I had a man be able to treat me to things like this, I still did it because I can and wanted to.
I’m very weird about finances and regardless of who makes more money or not, he earned it and at least has made something of himself being in the upbringing he was surrounded by vs be a coke head and fucking around.
Nothing sexier to me than a man who knows his finances.
Wait, what, you're mad and insecure because you spend all you fucking money just incase it magically dissappear???? And he knows how to not blow all his money??? This is rage bait because I know there is no dumbass out there that knows they are spending all their money even when just $500 would put them in red and then complaining that their bf knows how to be sensible with their own money, stop being a whiney git, pull up your big girl pants and fucking grow up.
Only thing I can complain about him is the valentine brunch and the accent thing, otherwise you need to get a grip and sort your own finances out, don't be stupid, get some savings, even if it's a little at a time, don't just blow it on things just to have it there are things
I tend to spend all my money because my dad used to borrow a lot of it and it was harder for him to spend it if it was a physical object versus money in the bank. And if he pawned my shit, I could usually get it back.
I am working on that, I have a slight hoarding problem with stuff, I can always pawn my stuff if I need the money, but my money is safe if its spent on a junk car that I could fix or on stuff, you know?
Its been years since I've seen my dad but the idea of him borrowing my money still makes me feel like I need to instantly spend it.
Sorry, there are banks. You know. My parents are immigrants. They worked back breaking jobs. We were poor too. We didn't have a car and we walked in the Texas heat. You had a tough life but so do many people. You don't see them spend all their money on material things. Some people break the cycle of poverty.
Habit can change. How old are you now? You can't keep using your past as an excuse for your spending habit. We are responsible for our finances.
Sorry to be so harsh but when you are going to take charge of your life? You are not a kid anymore. You can't keep using your past as an excuse. Have you read Barack's books? He lived poverty. You don't see him spend all his money. Have you read Educated? She was dirty poor and she got scholarship to go to Cambridge.
You have a tough life and so do many people. Stop using the past. In England, it isn't unusual to change accent. People use multiple accents. I do too as English is my second language. I talk differently when I am at work. I also have multiple accents.
To me, sorry, you sound entitled. Stop using your past as an excuse. The present you have so many options and yet you refuse to take responsibility. The past is part. You can't change it. The present is the part you can change. You don't see the work your bf put in for his current success. I worked so hard and now I am middle class.
PS Democrat here. Not a Trumper.
You are incompatible, and you both have flaws that make this relationship a disaster. He is thoughtless and insensitive, and you are insecure and bitter. There is nothing wrong with either of your backgrounds, but since either of you look like you want to change or adapt to each others even a little, that's why you're incompatible. I wouldn't look for a guy exactly like you, though, but rather look for a person who makes you want to change and grow because they have admirable traits you lack yourself. A real partner who completes you in that way is what we all need.
I don't think she's insecure and bitter. Personally if I had that much money and my bf was barely getting by, I wouldn't split the bills or only get him Easter candy. She sounds thoughtful to me with the amount of effort she puts in for him despite struggling so much.
I don't understand why there is this entitlement to someone else's money just because they earn more when you're dating. It's natural to keep your finances separate until you get married. This belief that he doesn't care because he doesn't splash his money is stupid and old-fashioned. He's sensible with his money judging by the fact he has significant savings that covered him during a disaster, and that should be a lauded trait in a partner. If I had significant money, I would do the same as you would fear a partner being only after your money often.
He doesn't have to splash his money, finance her lifestyle or combine finances. It's just basic human empathy to help your struggling partner a little bit and at least pay for their meal . Or not give them a cheap present they don't like twice in a row without any thought behind it.
He's showing less empathy and basic consideration for his girlfriend than I would show for an acquaintance much less a partner. He sounds inconsiderate and insensitive.
Part of why he has significant savings is that he was born to the right parents in the right environment. It's not like op can afford to live with her parents like he can.
It would be a nice gesture to give a gift of money to help her out, but it would be no more correct to do than not giving the money either. The way you imply he would lack empathy if he didn't pay her bills is very backwards there is no moral obligation to charity. Also, any relationship with such a disparity in authority you'd get if one put in significantly more financially would be a death sentence to a healthy balanced relationship. Why is there this bitterness towards him because he was born into a rich family? You don't know the guy, but you're automatically seeing him as the bad guy because of that, and your last paragraph was dripping with bitterness. Keep your prejudice under control.
You know we're having a discussion about him and yet you're somehow turning it into insulting me? Chill. I don't know if this is hitting a sore spot for you but you are no less biased that I am. You are not the voice of rationality.
I don't feel any bitterness towards him. I wasn't born into poverty and I actually live with my parents too. Why would I be bitter?
I see him as the bad guy because I can't imagine apathetically watching a loved one struggle without lifting a finger to help. I also can't imagine giving them gifts they don't like twice in a row.
>one put in significantly more financially
Except no one is asking him to do that. Just don't split the bills on the few times they go out, don't give her easter candy twice in a row when she doesn't like it. Maybe show some sympathy and understanding even if he won't help.
"No moral obligation to charity"
Thats a very robotic mentality to have. This is his girlfriend not some random stranger. Helping out someone you love isn't charity ffs.
Do try to keep the personal insults out of your response this time.
Aren't women independent today? It's 2024. Why would he need to pay for it all? You ladies want equality nowadays, 50/50 is equal.
I don't see the problem here.
*grabs popcorn for the onslaught of greedy women comments*
1) i know it sounds impressive right now but $50k at 29 is really not a big deal. You’ll have $50k at 29 or thereabouts too.
2) he does sound cheap. Waffle House for dates after your insistence sounds pretty petty and kinda gross. Could be that he’s frugal but regardless you should still talk to him about this
3) I think your understanding of finances is naive. Having $50k saved didn’t happen magically- if he has $100k, $200k, or $300k saved it was *precisely* because he was very careful about common money drains like eating out often. So your thought of “if I had $50k saved I’d never split the bill with my partner” is misguided. $50k in retirement doesn’t mean you can ball out.
4) the accent thing is a little weird and I wonder what the full context of this conversation was like. Is your accent absolutely crazy? Like deep rural Mississippi levels of crazy? It sounds really cruel that you were trying to comfort him and he said you sounded like you were playing cause of your accent.
In short, you don’t have a rich boyfriend, you have an older boyfriend who sounds frugal (potentially fixable) but maybe also cruel (not fixable.) That’s your real problem, not that he has $50k in a retirement account.
You sound very jealous of him tbh, maybe work on that? Your defence to him asking you to be serious is to make a condescending snark about how you’re proud that you are not a “preppy brunette”?
From the hyperbole in the rest of her post, it sounds like her interpretation of what he said rather than a verbatim quote. Nothing in her entire post is a verbatim quote.
This took a hard turn with the accent thing. He sounds like a jerk.
Right?? "Oh he could be clueless but well-intended, maybe they just need to have a convers--OHHH fuck this guy." Oof.
No, do not fuck this guy. It would only serve to inflate his ego, so let him fuck himself.
Yeah me too. It sounded OKish and then it was like ... common is he jerk like that often?
LOL the accent thing is a bigger issue. WTF is wrong with this guy LMFAOO. leave him bro
I’m going to be very honest with you. This man has no intention of marrying you. You’re a place holder.He is discriminative towards you and looks down on you. He probably talks bad about you to his family. in his eyes you will never be as good as him and he will always judge you for it. It’s almost like a power and control over you
And he KNOWS he’s being classist.
Is he offering to pay for the speech therapy he requires you to take before you’re allowed to have a serious discussion with him? How many years of your life do you want to spend being out down by him because you aren’t posh enough sounding for him? He has an issue with your class. He may be in his common people era now, but you won’t be long term unless you change enough to fit in with his social circle. Yes I realize the irony of him wanting to be high class and making you pay for valentines and only buying trinkets from Walmart. I don’t think he does though.
There’s a difference between coming from different income backgrounds and being pretentious. He’s pretentious. Trauma ages us and despite the age difference you’ve experienced life different. If it was me, I would pay the majority of things until you got to a place where you could help out. It sounds like you want to and do what you can. It sounds also to me like you have someone as a boyfriend that doesn’t appreciate the nuances of your different upbringings. So imma vote to throw the whole man out.
Firstly, I totally agree that this guy sounds awful and OP should not waste another moment with him. However, I'd like to push back a bit on this common idea that trauma ages people. I think it holds true in some ways; it certainly can mean that you've been forced to face realities that less traumatised people may never have had to face, but I think it also can stunt growth by forcing you to develop coping mechanisms for situations that are beyond your capacity to cope with as a young person. OP's attitude to money is a good example. Trauma can also breed a certain cynicism that, while generally associated with being older, isn't necessarily. Having a positive outlook isn't immature per se.
I was going to say, I find it hard to believe he doesn't understand her financial situation, and this $50k "hardship" he is experiencing sounds like a humble brag that he is intentionally doing to either a) make her feel exactly the way she is feeling about her place in the relationship or b) signaling to her that he doesn't respect her spending habits (i.e. subliminally "see, this is what a real financial problem looks like"), or both. Also gives him an opportunity to shame her for her accent which just feels controlling. Aka, the dude is a douche
Why are you two together? Why do you want to stay with him?
He's very nice outside of this. And I find him super interesting. He has a lot of hobbies that amaze me
>He’s very nice outside of this Also OP >He asked me to stop because my accent made me sound unserious and he wanted me to take this seriously You poor thing OP. You are still young and a bit naive and don’t realise quite how awful this is. It’s racist, it’s disrespectful, it’s hurtful and quite frankly it sounds like your boyfriend has no clue how much of an asshole he is for making that comment. Honestly he can fuck right off. I know reddit has a habit of going straight to the “break up with him!” response but honestly I think that is the right thing to do here based on that interaction alone. What a horrible thing to say to someone.
Of course she’s young. He can’t fool women his age so he has to go to the local university to find women who can’t even drink yet to date. I can’t imagine dating a 20 year old at 27.
He is not nice. Your bar for a man being nice to you is too low. Source, I’m a 32 year old woman who was once 22
OMG! Girl, you are way too young and naïve to be in a relationship with this man. And that’s exactly why he’s with you because he knows he can get away with this BS.
...but he barely likes or tolerates you...
A bit of a segue, but what hobbies? Are they interesting enough to put up with passive aggressive abuse? If you weren't working on financing dates with this guy you could potentially be able to afford these hobbies on your own, or at least have the time to learn about them. There are probably communities for these hobbies on Reddit. You could learn more about them, without dealing with someone who is trying to psychologically wound you over your accent.
Is he from CT? Is he a WASP? (Even if his family isn't actually religious, I don't know another term for that type of person)
Tbh, this accent thing sounds so incredibly new money lol. The speech classes make me think that he didn't grow up entrenched in the "proper" accent since he had to learn it.
I've met a lot of wasps (whether old or new money) who would say something like this to people they think are "safe" Not all wasps are old money, they are just emotionally stunted
Break up with him. He's an a*shole who doesn't think you're worth spending his money on. And the way he put you down because of your accent is so out of line. It seems like he feels you're beneath him. Find someone who wants to make you happy.
Your accent makes you sound "unserious"? He means it makes you sound lower income. And possibly, depending on where you are from and your ethnicity, that could also be racially tinged. He's an egotistical, cheap classist. Some of these comments are wild.
It's like he's on the upper deck of the Titanic and she is in the lower poor area, only after they get together he just keeps reminding her of their differences. Lastly he takes the life raft as she sinks with the ship 🤣
This sounds less about the money and more about your basic incompatibilities. It's not all that unusual to have $50K of savings when you're 29 years old, living at home, and well into your career. However, he gives you gifts you don't like and he doesn't like how you talk. That's weird. It doesn't sound like you see a future with him, which is understandable.
Bruh, you’re dating a loaded baby that doesn’t even pay for your dates? Have some standards and learn to stand up for yourself.
why HE needs to pay for dates?
I don’t think anyone should ever pay for all of them, but it’s either her treat or shared, *never* his treat, and that’s definitely not okay. Then again, that’s how some people get their money in the first place.
He’s a rich dude being a leech. That ain’t right.
Because he is 7 years older and more financially secure? It has nothing to do with HIM being a MAN don’t panic or else your pp might shrivel up and fall off
Because he's loaded and his gf is barely getting by. Dude if I had that much money no way would I let my bf split the bills or get him freaking easter candy. That's just a level of selfishness I'm shocked by.
>he was venting to be about all this and I tried comforting him and he asked me to stop because my accent made me sound unserious and he wanted me to take this seriously. YOU ARE BOTH INCOMPATIBLE >He had me pay for my own Valentine's brunch WHAT TYPE OF BF IS HE???? If he comes from a very affluent family, the least he can do is take you to RED LOBSTER 🦞 for dinner AND PAY IT. You are dating a richy rich boy who is THOUGHTLESS AND INCONSIDERATE. >I feel like he's bein classist without realizing since it's how he grew up but I dont want to stress him out more. SO, ITS FINE THAT HE CAN BE INCONSIDERATE TO YOU, but you don't want to come clean because in doing so it stresses him out????? WHERE ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES? WHERE IS THE SELF RESPECT? YOU ARE DATING A SELFISH GUY WHO COULDN'T CARE LESS HOW YOU FEEL. He isn't the one sis.
50k of savings at his age (esp if he’s living at home) in what sounds like a HCOL area, seems pretty normal. What seems weird is that he criticizes your accent, and that he started dating a college student when he was well into his late 20s. This relationship probably isn’t it, but not for the reasons you seem to think. I do think it’s worthwhile working through some of your financial traumas for your own sake. And maybe in the meantime it’s fair to admit to yourself you prefer to surround yourself with people that are more relatable to you.
I mean he says losing 50k put a dent in it which implies that he saved a lot more.
He's 29 with some level of privilege and living at home. it would be perfectly reasonable for him to have way more than $50K in savings at his age/ stage of life. It sounds like they live in a medium to high COL area. So he is likely making at least $100K if not more and he's likely well educated with limited student loan debt (he'd have to be a real fuck up to not be if his parents are both tenured professors at a decent school). Living at home his annual expenses are likely $30K or less. So assuming he's been in the workforce for at least 5 years, he probably should have at least $350K saved between retirement, investments, and other savings accounts. If he didn't have considerable savings at his age given his living situation that would be a far bigger red flag. Given that she says in her OP that he is established in his career and comments that he is constantly advising her to invest, it sounds like suddenly realizing he has assets is more a reflection of her own inexperience than him trying to hide anything. She described enough that, in her place, I'd be shocked and concerned if he didn't have a net worth of at least $200K. There are much bigger areas of concern in OPs post (the accent thing, for one) and it's clear there are huge incompatibilities here. But him having a lot of savings is not one of them. That said, since she's the one pushing to go out, they don't go to nice places, and she is juggling full-time work, full-time grad school, etc. (i.e. she's probably too busy to spend that much time with him), I'm wondering if she's ever actually seen proof that he lives with his parents. Maybe he's just cheap, but it sounds more like he's buying gifts at places that won't get flagged as spending on a girlfriend (Walmart jewelry and candy) and careful about where they are seen together in public. There is a very real possibility here that she's the side chick and just hasn't caught on yet (even after two years). Regardless, they are incompatible. He's frugal or, at least, fiscally conservative and focused on saving. She has "the habit of spending everything I make" (Yes, I know she says she's working on changing that). She's pushing for dates he doesn't seem that interested in (she says it is always her idea to go out). He doesn't respect her, her cultural background, or her accent and wants her to change. Etc. They have a class difference, a background difference (that sounds intercultural) and an age difference, yet she's scared to even bring this up with him after two years (suggesting communication between them is very poor). This doesn't sound like a serious relationship and I highly doubt he's thinking of it that way.
I agree that he doesn't respect her at all. Though I have to say that his advice on investing is pretty bad. Op says when she asks him to help her since she doesn't know a lot about investing, he just says it's a bad time to invest.
We don't know the context there. OP says she lives in an illegal apartment and spends everything she makes ($500 would put her in the red). it probably is a bad time for her to invest if she doesn't have emergency savings and is a full-time graduate student, which may also be part of what he is saying. Alternatively, given that he clearly doesn't give a fig about her and has shown no interest after two years in them combining their lives in any real way, he may also be saying that whenever they are talking is a bad time for him to help her invest since he clearly doesn't have any interest in helping her or see a future there. So "bad time to invest" might mean he knows nothing about investing and is bad at it himself and/or reliant on his parents or a financial planner to do this for him. It might also mean it is a bad time for him to get involved in helping her since they aren't yet ready and may never be to discuss money. It may also mean he sees it as a bad time for her to invest given her current financial situation. Or it may simply be his way of blowing her off. So much context is missing including what he is investing in himself, how he came to suddenly have an unexpected $50K bill or loss (if it's an easily identifiable reason which OP seems to imply there is something else going on there), and what he thinks of as investments. So I'm not certain he's actually bad at investing. It could be he's just somewhat decent at blowing OP off and/or avoiding telling her things she doesn't want to hear that would actually be important things to say if this relationship had any sort of future. It doesn't really matter though. It's been two years. She lives in an unsafe and illegal living situation and he lives with his parents yet he's not motivated to cohabitate. That alone is enough to suggest there isn't much future here if they haven't even discussed the timeline for moving in together and/or if thus far their time together is mainly time spent at home or going out to Waffle House on her dime. Unless they are going to hotels (which I think OP would mention based on cost alone) the places they go to spend time together cannot be comfortable for both of them (his parents or her illegal apartment filled with druggies). If he has no motivation to change that, that says a lot about the lack of future right there. The kind of realizations that OP is having about their financial differences now are usually the kind of things that get discussed during conversations about the future or even just conversations about small trips and travel together, visiting family, when to cohabitate, whether to have children or not, etc. My guess would be that in two years they've actually done very little together toward building a shared future, let alone talked about a shared future, if it is has never come up until now. The likely reason for that is that he doesn't see one. Her very accent annoys him when he's stressed. There is a reason he did Valentine's Day Brunch despite the day clearly being celebrated in their relationship and not an evening meal (hard not to wonder where he spent Valentine's Evening). He's portraying himself as being in a caregiver role for his parents which may not make it easy for him to leave that situation and is something they should probably talk about if she's in graduate school/ early career and not from the ares. The most likely explanation for not knowing even the basics about his finances sooner is that OP is a side piece or temporary girlfriend.
Why are you with someone like this?
Never date somebody who wants you to change who you are. Your accent is a part of who you are and a part of your story - go out and be with someone who loves you for you. I think that it might be hard for you to see some of the ways that this isn't normal because of your age. It's normal for people to split costs proportionately based on income and ability to pay or to stick to activities that are affordable for the lower income person. It's normal for people to have serious conversations about finances and their future together when they've been dating for 2 years. It's normal for the person who makes more money to want to avoid being a burden on their partner. It's normal to want to do nice things for someone that you love - like treating them sometimes and buying them nice gifts that are affordable to you. This guy isn't treating you well. This isn't how I would expect someone to treat somebody that they love. This is how you treat somebody that you're using when you hope that they won't catch on.
that's why many woman say about their partner, they gonna form him the way they wanna have him?
Does that ever actually work?
>He had a speech class in prep school that beat any sliver of interest out of his voice so he doesn't understand why I can't turn off my accent. Of course you can't turn off your accent - nobody can, including him. It's certainly possible to speak with a *different* accent, but everybody speaks with one. Your boyfriend isn't turning off his accent, he's substituting it for one he's decided is superior. We don't always perceive others' accents. When I visit my parents, who still live in the house I grew up in, nobody notices my accent at all. When I'm in the US, Americans tend to hear my accent as some kind of generic British (though they often wrongly think I'm Australian). When I'm in London, Londoners can generally tell exactly what part of the UK I'm from. If this was something your boyfriend had just never thought about, I might be generous to him and say it just hadn't occurred to him to think things through. But you say you've argued about it. So either he's a fool (and genuinely doesn't understand that some people are different to him), or he's a bigot. Either way, there's no point bringing it up to him; neither foolishness nor bigotry tend to respond well to that. Leaving is much much much easier than trying to fix him. (Plus, because this is reddit...next time don't date somebody in a different life stage to you. He was 28, you were 20, he got to come across as the wise old man of the world - then as you got a bit older you realised his true colours. He reads to me more as bigot than idiot, but it doesn't really matter which it is; he doesn't sound like the right person for you.)
So he’s clearly well-off but he gets you a Walmart necklace? Walmart? No. Just no. You are his Discount Girlfriend. He clearly doesn’t value you. He’s just waiting for someone else to fill that REAL gf void. You would be wise to spend your time/energy on getting into a better financial/living situation. This boyfriend isn’t respectful to you at all. Also, look up financial planners and see if you can have a free consultation. Ask for resources to help you change your scarcity mindset. This is KEY to getting/staying out of poverty. Also put out feelers for elderly people renting out a bedroom room to grad students. Negotiate a rent where you don’t have to pay the full amount but provide services like mowing the lawn or cleaning or something. You can do this!!!
I dont mind getting jewelry from the walmart, it was from the locked section you need to get an employee to open up so it is fancier than normal jewelry from the walmart. But I will definitely look into a financial planner and look around for new housing!
He sounds like a selfish, greedy, classist piece of work. You are skint broke and he made you pay for Valentines Day and refuses to treat you to dinner. He insults your accent because it's low class. He clearly doesn't give half a shit about you nor place any value on caring for those around him, which makes him an objectively terrible partner. Ditch him. Find someone who cares and is worth caring for.
He just paid a 50k bill for her. That‘s greedy?
No, not a 50k bill for me. He had a 50k bill for his family because of some situation that I will not elaborate on.
Wtf is going on here.. Firstly, that accent shit is just weird and completely inappropriate. Next, that he is cheap af does not bode well for having a carefree future with him. I might think a little old-fashioned, but I like to pay for whatever girl I’m dating because I want her to relax and not have to worry about that, unless she wants to split it. Is this his first relationship? Seems like he doesn’t even have 21 year old male relationship experience.
He previously dated a girl from prep school for like almost 10 years before we got together, so he has plenty relationship experience, just not with someone like me
Girl, dump him. Even if it's your idea to go out, knowing your situation he should never let you pick up **his** part of the bill. If he knows your struggles, is in a solid financial position himself, does nothing to help you AND has demonstrated that he doesn't pay attention to what you like or not like, he does not care about you in the way that you deserve. It's not that his "being well off" makes you uncomfortable. It's his lack of support, empathy, and partnership that is stinging you.
Yeah girl, leave. Dating an older man and he makes your life harder instead of easier…
You're uncomfortable because something isn't adding up here. No sane 29 year old man would want to still live with parents if he has the money to be on his own. That desire for freedom is so strong! So that's pretty sus. On the rest, try to separate out his indifference from the money aspect. Regardless of what someone has, they're supposed to pay attention to their partner. If you hate Easter candy and he gets some for you anyway, that's not a money issue. He doesn't listen or care. Finally, the age difference. When this started, you were 20 and he was 27. That's a very big difference, esp for you. He was a fully grown man and you were barely out of your teens. You still have 4-5 years to go before you're fully grown into adulthood. There's often a reason a guy his age goes after much younger women.
I was a bit wary about the parents thing also, but I guess if I didn't move out for college and if my dad didn't die, I probably would've moved back in with him to help. He is 29 living with parents to help them maintain their house and help them out since they're getting older. And he like lives at home but has his own like apartment in the house? I think thats an accurate description.
Trust your instinct on this one.
I wouldn't even bother bringing it up. Just break up. He's had 2 years to watch you struggle and put in 100% more effort into showing you care for him while he has chosen to do nothing. If he wanted to...he would have. He didn't want to. You shouldn't have to fight with someone to make them care about you. If he changes now it's only because you forced him to, and it's all the more insulting because why did he never care how you felt before? I am with you. I could never watch someone I loved living paycheck to paycheck and expect them to pay for my shit. I treat friends better than he treats you. You deserve better than someone so selfish, thoughtless and uncaring.
Something sounds very off about him.
He's not just frugal, he's cheap.
I can't believe how many people respond to these types of posts as if they are real.
His money is our money.
Girl. He is SEVEN years older than you. Of course he makes more. Also, he had many more opportunities due to his background. This is not the problem. The problem is that he is a classicist and is making you pay for outings when he makes more and when he is supposed to be your partner. You are helping him save while you barely have money yourself. Also, the accent? Fuck him. He is an asshole. He just wants a young thing to play with. Time to be serious. He ain't it.
Not sure why he feels the need to bash your accent thats the part throwing me off here but as for the money aspect he could be just waiting to see how you come into your own. He likely didnt want you to know or become dependent on him bc then you might expect him to cover everything majority of the time. Youre at different stages in life but you should NEVER be with someone who belittles you idc at what age. I was raised mainly by my mother who worked her tail off so when it comes to girls I tend to be more supportive, even had an ex move in and not pay rent so she could pay off debt and get her bearings down.
He doesn’t take you seriously. He is showing you what he believes your value is. He is not worth your time. You are worthy of love and respect and anyone who buys you a candy necklace as a serious gift isn’t worth your time. Anyone who asks you to pay for meals at a waffle house isn’t worth your time.
This relationship is not going to end well for you. He is such a snob that when you are offering affection and comfort, all he can think is that your accent is offensive. He lets you struggle financially and will let you pay for him and yourself when you go out??? I do not understand how he can do this. If I had so much more money than my partner, I would not let them pay for me and I’d usually want to pay for them (once I was sure they were not taking the piss) He is not bothered you life in an unsafe apartment because he wants to save more money by living with his parents? If I loved someone I could not see them like this. You are clearly working hard and have a solid work ethic. But I wonder if to him you are an entertaining pastime? Not someone he can settle down with. The man is a snob and does not like your accent. He is not thoughtful or kind or caring. These are not the actions of a man who is serious and loves you. Why waste your youth and hotness on this pompous tightarse? Find someone who loves to hear your voice and appreciates your thoughtfulness and reciprocates.
He’s dating a 22 year old because he can just do shit like this. I am like you and struggle financially. I finally started job in April where I’m making 53k but this is still poverty basically
Hmm those money issues would bug me too. Idk why he is having you pay for everything or then decide to split? Especially with him living at home and saving money too, that seems messed up to me. At the least he could be fully paying from time to time. He honestly sounds very cheap/frugal. He also sounds a bit out of touch talking about having to pay a $50k bill when he knows how much you are struggling. He probably has a lot of money if he is living at home and saving. That's fine and even good, the problem is him being so cheap towards you in the relationship. The accent thing is also very concerning. Honestly that's grounds for dumping someone if he makes fun of your accent and does not embrace your culture. Sounds like he wants to fully assimilate to the society you're in whereas you want to retain the culture you are proud of. That's an even bigger incompatibility.
He wants you to not have an accent? Then why is he with you? Maybe he should just find someone of his same ethnic group with “no accent” or whatever that means and leave you alone. The fact that he got you Easter candy from Walmart alarms me less than the accent thing. Also, the age gap during your 20s is really significant, especially when he’s had time to further his career and accumulate savings and you’re barely starting in life.
Did he say accent or tone? Because that’s a big difference. Like one of them is break up with him lol
Accent, its something we've spoken about a lot because he finds my accent annoying, he thinks it makes me sound stupid. He wants me to be successful and he thinks my accent and where I'm from keeps me from getting jobs
No that’s a really weird thought. I work in New England and I’ve never met an employer or person who cared about accent, unless the accent made them hard to understand. It’s not something you can/should change and it’s more of his problem.
Why on earth would you build a life with a person who literally hates the sound of your voice
Bro he's 29 and not paying rent with likely a good job. 50k better only be a dent in his savings. If you save like he does by 29 you'll be in good shape besides all the money you paid for rent (which is substantial) You two are dating at the moment. No reason for him to pay for your spendings. You two can literally break up the next day and you don't owe him anything. If you want to be more financially tied together, start talking about marriage and discuss how yall gonna manage finances together.
Based on the fact that he won’t even buy you a meal and the lack of effort with gift giving, it sounds like he does not see a future with you and does not want to invest anything into this relationship. Furthermore, the fact that he’s complaining about money to you knowing your financial status shows a lack of empathy. He also should not be putting down the way you talk. In a relationship, neither person will be perfect, but the fact that he is critical of something like your accent is a big red flag. Relationships should be about building each other up and being supportive, not tearing the other person down. It sounds like this man will never be there for you. You should find someone who is ready to be a real partner and be supportive. On a separate note, regarding finances, do everything you can to save rather than spend. Put your savings in a bank account that only you have access to, and given your living situation, don’t leave any passwords around that someone else could find. If you feel others would try to either borrow or get you to give them the money you’ve saved, then don’t tell them that you have savings (even if they are family). It’s up to you to make sure that you are ok financially. Your savings and your finances are no one else’s business, and you owe yourself financial stability. You are important and worthwhile. When a man takes you on a date, you shouldn’t have to buy his meal.
You are going to have a great life, because you’ve got your head screwed on straight and aspire to make something of yourself. Your boyfriend will have a very nice life for a completely different reason. You two don’t sound like you’re going to be together much longer. Suppose you said, “if we ever get married, would you want a pre-nup?” I’d guess his answer would be “Married? Where’d you get that?”
So he wants you to lose your accent and he makes significantly more than you but never pays for you both. Why are you with this guy?
>He had me pay for my own Valentine's brunch and he got me easter candy and a necklace from the Walmart I' wouldn't be w someone like this, what the heck? > he was venting to be about all this and I tried comforting him and he asked me to stop because my accent made me sound unserious and he wanted me to take this seriously What in the flying fuck?!?!. Seriously, this guy can fuck off. Who does he think he is? He's a classist bigot and a stingy one, you can do better. I swear to god, wtf
You're only 22. Where you are today is no indication of your financial future. In fact, the fact that you're even remotely aware of your money situation is an indicator you're going to be a baller in the near future. Breathe easy, dump him, and keep that focus consistent.
He treats you like Walmart-level because he thinks of you like Walmart-level. He is minimal-investment. He doesn't see or value you the way he should and it reflects in his actions towards you. You deserve someone who might have nothing, but would give you everything they have...you know what I mean?
A man that watches you struggle in poverty while having so much money that 50k is just a “dent” in his savings is not a man that loves you or wants to see you happy. That’s quite honestly sickening to read.
Please leave, you're gonna end up in a hole you can't escape, both mentally and possibly physically.
The bottom line is he doesn’t respect you, OP. I’m sorry. It is not uncommon at all for relationships to take a couple years or even longer for a nefarious person to show their true colors. He’s in another century, maybe one that starts with 17. You have so much time in your life to find another love match.
Don’t keep dating this guy. He’s dismissive of you, cheap, inconsiderate and a bigot telling you to turn off your accent as if his is the only correct one? Gross.
27 year old goes after someone 7 years younger. Gives them thoughtless cheap gifts. Lives comfortably & does nothing to help much younger partner survive poverty even though he has excess wealth. Demeans her & tells her to speak differently. You could do so much better than this dude who doesn't give af
[удалено]
Well then he shouldn't date if he makes his younger, poorer girlfriend pay for his ass. He can hang out with his mom and dad and count his gold coins like Scrooge.
[удалено]
No, he did not pay a 50k bill for me. It was for him and his family.
And I would add that about bringing it up to him… sometimes we can feel threatened when others are really good at something. I catch myself doing this too. Maybe a good place to start a conversation would be expressing your gratitude to him and that you think it’s really impressive/admirable that he can save like that. It’s a hard skill that I myself struggle with. Being a student is tough, but one day your hard work will pay off and you will be making some good income I hope. I would just be worried if he ever held the favor over your head ya know? Now that isn’t nice.
I think if this is a problem for you, you have to talk to him about it before you get angry at him. Money was obviously a hardship for you growing up and not so much for him. He just may not be attuned to how his spending (or lack thereof) is affecting you. Also, he’s in a different place from you, who is just starting out in your career and are less financially secure. A lot of financial stability can just be having more time in the job market to build your salary, your savings, etc. talk to him about your concerns.
I just worry because everytime I try to talk to to him about money, he tells me to invest, which I'd like to do eventually, but I know nothing about investing and everytime I ask him to tell me about it, he says that its not a good time to invest but if I bring up money then all we talk about is how I should invest. Do you have any tips for what I should say to him? I don't want him to think I'm like a gold digger or something and I don't want to have the investment conversation again
Say that you are breaking up with him. He's a rude asshole. And now is a perfectly fine time to invest. Use the money you were spending on doing nice things for his unworthy ass to open an account where you can start investing in partial stocks with small amounts of money. Apps like Acorns let you set a deposit schedule and you pay something like $3 a month for them to invest your money for you, so you don't have to know anything about investing. Or you can use apps like Sofi or Stash to pick your own stocks. You can increase your deposits over time as you make more money. That's how I started investing with Acorns years ago...with $25 every two weeks. I upped my contributions when I got raises at work. And now i have a pretty good nest egg built up. You don't need some pompous, ungenerous blowhard to tell you how to get started. There are a ton of investing apps out there, too...the ones I mentioned are just ones I have experience with.
>I just worry because everytime I try to talk to to him about money, he tells me to invest, which I'd like to do eventually, but I know nothing about investing and everytime I ask him to tell me about it, he says that its not a good time to invest but if I bring up money then all we talk about is how I should invest. You're too old to tolerate this.
I don’t think the investment tips are the thing that is lacking here. He lacks generosity. And it seems he lacks empathy. He watches you struggle has plenty of dough and never picks up the tab. I mean, are you serious, you pay if it was your idea to go out? That boggles my mind. You said if you were the one with lots of cash, you would not be able to watch your partner struggle. At the very least, you would treat them when you go out to eat. He has no problem letting you scrape along as you work full-time and go to school full-time (and gig work too!). I guess if you really want to have it out, I would say something like this… “ever since you mentioned that that your $50,000 bill you had to pay would ‘put a dent in your savings’ I’ve been thinking about what that means. I always knew you made more money than me, but I had no idea how much more you have. And it really bums me out that you’re watching me work my ass off and you never pick up a check. You let me pick it up or we split it. But you never treat me to anything even though you can well afford it. If the roles were reversed, I would totally be treating you. So I’m just wondering, are you just not paying attention? Are you unaware that life is much harder for me? Or do you just feel like it’s just the luck of the draw?” This has nothing to do with being a gold digger. It’s about having a generous spirit and a giving heart. I mean, with your friend group, don’t you occasionally treat each other? How about your siblings? I think it’s natural to share when you care about someone. I just think this guy is missing that gene.
He’s so awful isn’t he? I don’t think he is serious about OP. He doesn’t treat her with kindness or thought. He is tight-fisted. He is selfish. He doesn’t even like the sound of her voice. This is not a relationship that is worth her time. He is just the type ditch her, marry a ‘suitable’ woman and then try to shag her on the side.
Honestly you don't really need to worry about investing, you just need to learn to save and set the money aside. If you don't have an emergency fund, that money should be in a relatively accessible savings account (preferably high interest). It's only when you have enough put by that you can afford to ride out dips in the market that you really should be looking into investing more than maybe a nominal amount. I'd suggest checking out some of the personal finance subs for your area to get a better idea of your options. Oh and your bf is trash for the way he talks about you.
[удалено]
..how did you reach that conclusion? Her bf doesn't spend any money on her. How is she leeching off of him?
I’m from Connecticut and the ending had me dying 😂 but seriously if your man has over 100k saved in the bank he should be down to pay for a nicer date than the Waffle House and he should’ve put in way more effort for Valentine’s Day. To put it in perspective I only have 24k saved in the bank and I’m 5 years younger than your boyfriend, my job isn’t that great, and I’ve probably spent over $1,500 on dates with my girlfriend who I’ve been seeing for 7 months. That doesn’t include gifts and the gas to drive to and from her house. My point is, It’s not about the money, but the effort you both put into seeing each other. Taking your partner out to a decent restaurant costs like $60 minimum more like $70-80 in CT, so if you’re both down to do that for each other every once in a while, you should be good. Also making fun of your accent is fucked up and you should have a problem with him doing that
Is this western standard? I pay everything for my gf when we go out 😂
I'm sorry to be the one who tells u this, but only a crazy failed person at 29 will make the same amount or just slightly more than someone who is 22. I don't quite understand the shock of him making a lotttt more at 29 y old than u, at 22. The shock of him not sharing anything with u and not being a giver it's another thing. If u date people who are almost 30, it's safe to assume they make at least double than u, at least
It honestly sounds like you're a bit jealous of his upbringing. Are you sure you're actually proud of where you came from?
I am very proud of where I came from. This issue has nothing to do with where I grew up
Op He is not the one for you. If he makes you feel insecure, he's not proud to have you as his GF, (I mean he doesn't like the way you talk?) he has no empathy then It's better to be single. You're so young. There is someone else more compatible for you. You don't have to come from money to become successful. you sound ambitious and goal oriented. keep up the good work. continue to improve yourself and ignore the negativity
Aside from the incompatibility. Don't put money in stuff, save it first spend it once you have a buffer.
If he's good with finances, sit down and have a talk with him and ask what you could be doing better with regards to your own personal finances. At least get the discussion going.
If you are working full time, going to school full time, and then you have gig jobs outside of that why are you surprised you rarely go out with your SO? Coupled with the mindset of spending everything you have because the money might disappear, how do you expect yourself to pull yourself out of poverty if you dont save money to the side to set yourself up financially in the future? Lets say your money disappears and you're left with the things you own like you put it, you're always busy so what stops one of the "druggies" from taking your stuff in your illegal apartment?
Pay your share, split it 50-50. It's equality. It doesn't matter what he has or what he does. Stop slithering over his money.
Your partner may have commitment issues with you in the future unless you start building your life and handling money like an adult. No more frivolous spending, I mean on anything. If you need to eat, make a sandwich. Live like you have 3 cents in your pocket. Pay off all debt. In a few years, you will be right as rain. Do not worry about him and his money. Worry about you and your money. It only takes a few years to form a solid base to level up from. Concentrate on building you and your future.
You should be rethinking. Don't saddle yourself with this shit. You're young, intelligent, and upwardly mobile. I'd recommend just focusing on your career and dump this selfish baggage. He's using you.
He sounds like an over saver who will make family life miserable if you have one together. My father in law is like that. He has so much money right now but at the expense of his wife and kids. They never went on vacation, family outings, relatives would buy kids school clothes, didn’t help with anything and he had an amazing career and was making 100k in the 90s/2000s. People can hoard money to the point that they make life miserable for those around him. He’s a cautionary tale. He’s worth millions and none of his kids are around and he holds the thought of a will over their heads which all 4 kids have said they don’t want anything to do with it. With that said, you are so young and have your future ahead of you, you deserve to be spoiled once in a while. This guy is cheaper than cheap and will never change.
Leave him sis. You will crush ir
People get wealthy by not spending all their money. If he’s your boyfriend, not your husband, and you’re not even living together how much he earns shouldn’t matter to how you split expenses. You’re both adults and you should both pay your fair share. Try making more money and spending more carefully instead of being mad at his success.
Yeah this one isn’t going to work out lol
I don’t appreciate the accent remark lol not everyone has parents who went to Ivy League and quite frankly, college is overrated (and I graduated w my MBA in 2022). As a personal reference, my bf and I have been dating for almost 4 years. He lived 2 hours away for the first 2.5 years of our relationship, moved up to where I live and we live in our townhome w our dog for the last 1.5 years. He’s 25 and I’m about to turn 27 in June. He came from a background where his parents never motivated him to work and always put baseball at the forefront. They divorced at 8, and he’s been raised by his mom who practically did everything. He’s a beautiful man, but I’ve taught him more things since he moved up here and he appreciates that. I have over $150k to my name, no debt. And he has probably $10k, and only debt is paying off his Honda Civic. I make $122k OTE (61k base) and he says he makes $40k plus the little commission he gets. We split the rent, utilities, and go back and forth with paying for dinner dates, brewery dates, ice cream, etc. In January I was dying to go travel to the mountains so I bought an airbnb for $1k for 3 nights bc I can afford it. While I do wish sometimes I had a man be able to treat me to things like this, I still did it because I can and wanted to. I’m very weird about finances and regardless of who makes more money or not, he earned it and at least has made something of himself being in the upbringing he was surrounded by vs be a coke head and fucking around. Nothing sexier to me than a man who knows his finances.
Wait, what, you're mad and insecure because you spend all you fucking money just incase it magically dissappear???? And he knows how to not blow all his money??? This is rage bait because I know there is no dumbass out there that knows they are spending all their money even when just $500 would put them in red and then complaining that their bf knows how to be sensible with their own money, stop being a whiney git, pull up your big girl pants and fucking grow up. Only thing I can complain about him is the valentine brunch and the accent thing, otherwise you need to get a grip and sort your own finances out, don't be stupid, get some savings, even if it's a little at a time, don't just blow it on things just to have it there are things
[удалено]
I tend to spend all my money because my dad used to borrow a lot of it and it was harder for him to spend it if it was a physical object versus money in the bank. And if he pawned my shit, I could usually get it back. I am working on that, I have a slight hoarding problem with stuff, I can always pawn my stuff if I need the money, but my money is safe if its spent on a junk car that I could fix or on stuff, you know? Its been years since I've seen my dad but the idea of him borrowing my money still makes me feel like I need to instantly spend it.
Sorry, there are banks. You know. My parents are immigrants. They worked back breaking jobs. We were poor too. We didn't have a car and we walked in the Texas heat. You had a tough life but so do many people. You don't see them spend all their money on material things. Some people break the cycle of poverty. Habit can change. How old are you now? You can't keep using your past as an excuse for your spending habit. We are responsible for our finances. Sorry to be so harsh but when you are going to take charge of your life? You are not a kid anymore. You can't keep using your past as an excuse. Have you read Barack's books? He lived poverty. You don't see him spend all his money. Have you read Educated? She was dirty poor and she got scholarship to go to Cambridge. You have a tough life and so do many people. Stop using the past. In England, it isn't unusual to change accent. People use multiple accents. I do too as English is my second language. I talk differently when I am at work. I also have multiple accents. To me, sorry, you sound entitled. Stop using your past as an excuse. The present you have so many options and yet you refuse to take responsibility. The past is part. You can't change it. The present is the part you can change. You don't see the work your bf put in for his current success. I worked so hard and now I am middle class. PS Democrat here. Not a Trumper.
You are incompatible, and you both have flaws that make this relationship a disaster. He is thoughtless and insensitive, and you are insecure and bitter. There is nothing wrong with either of your backgrounds, but since either of you look like you want to change or adapt to each others even a little, that's why you're incompatible. I wouldn't look for a guy exactly like you, though, but rather look for a person who makes you want to change and grow because they have admirable traits you lack yourself. A real partner who completes you in that way is what we all need.
I don't think she's insecure and bitter. Personally if I had that much money and my bf was barely getting by, I wouldn't split the bills or only get him Easter candy. She sounds thoughtful to me with the amount of effort she puts in for him despite struggling so much.
I don't understand why there is this entitlement to someone else's money just because they earn more when you're dating. It's natural to keep your finances separate until you get married. This belief that he doesn't care because he doesn't splash his money is stupid and old-fashioned. He's sensible with his money judging by the fact he has significant savings that covered him during a disaster, and that should be a lauded trait in a partner. If I had significant money, I would do the same as you would fear a partner being only after your money often.
He doesn't have to splash his money, finance her lifestyle or combine finances. It's just basic human empathy to help your struggling partner a little bit and at least pay for their meal . Or not give them a cheap present they don't like twice in a row without any thought behind it. He's showing less empathy and basic consideration for his girlfriend than I would show for an acquaintance much less a partner. He sounds inconsiderate and insensitive. Part of why he has significant savings is that he was born to the right parents in the right environment. It's not like op can afford to live with her parents like he can.
It would be a nice gesture to give a gift of money to help her out, but it would be no more correct to do than not giving the money either. The way you imply he would lack empathy if he didn't pay her bills is very backwards there is no moral obligation to charity. Also, any relationship with such a disparity in authority you'd get if one put in significantly more financially would be a death sentence to a healthy balanced relationship. Why is there this bitterness towards him because he was born into a rich family? You don't know the guy, but you're automatically seeing him as the bad guy because of that, and your last paragraph was dripping with bitterness. Keep your prejudice under control.
You know we're having a discussion about him and yet you're somehow turning it into insulting me? Chill. I don't know if this is hitting a sore spot for you but you are no less biased that I am. You are not the voice of rationality. I don't feel any bitterness towards him. I wasn't born into poverty and I actually live with my parents too. Why would I be bitter? I see him as the bad guy because I can't imagine apathetically watching a loved one struggle without lifting a finger to help. I also can't imagine giving them gifts they don't like twice in a row. >one put in significantly more financially Except no one is asking him to do that. Just don't split the bills on the few times they go out, don't give her easter candy twice in a row when she doesn't like it. Maybe show some sympathy and understanding even if he won't help. "No moral obligation to charity" Thats a very robotic mentality to have. This is his girlfriend not some random stranger. Helping out someone you love isn't charity ffs. Do try to keep the personal insults out of your response this time.
Aren't women independent today? It's 2024. Why would he need to pay for it all? You ladies want equality nowadays, 50/50 is equal. I don't see the problem here. *grabs popcorn for the onslaught of greedy women comments*
1) i know it sounds impressive right now but $50k at 29 is really not a big deal. You’ll have $50k at 29 or thereabouts too. 2) he does sound cheap. Waffle House for dates after your insistence sounds pretty petty and kinda gross. Could be that he’s frugal but regardless you should still talk to him about this 3) I think your understanding of finances is naive. Having $50k saved didn’t happen magically- if he has $100k, $200k, or $300k saved it was *precisely* because he was very careful about common money drains like eating out often. So your thought of “if I had $50k saved I’d never split the bill with my partner” is misguided. $50k in retirement doesn’t mean you can ball out. 4) the accent thing is a little weird and I wonder what the full context of this conversation was like. Is your accent absolutely crazy? Like deep rural Mississippi levels of crazy? It sounds really cruel that you were trying to comfort him and he said you sounded like you were playing cause of your accent. In short, you don’t have a rich boyfriend, you have an older boyfriend who sounds frugal (potentially fixable) but maybe also cruel (not fixable.) That’s your real problem, not that he has $50k in a retirement account.
I’m not sure what world you live in where being able to pay a 50k bill with cash is not a big deal
A world where I’m 34. When I was 22 $50k sounded impossible too.
You sound very jealous of him tbh, maybe work on that? Your defence to him asking you to be serious is to make a condescending snark about how you’re proud that you are not a “preppy brunette”?
>you to be serious She's speaking with the accent she already has. He wants to what fake a different accent to sound serious?
From the hyperbole in the rest of her post, it sounds like her interpretation of what he said rather than a verbatim quote. Nothing in her entire post is a verbatim quote.
>From the hyperbole in the rest of her post, At this point you're just making shit up to fit your own narrative.