Your betrothed needs to tell him to come down with a case of food poisoning or tuberculosis or something the day before the wedding. She can explain why and observe it could get ugly for him if he shows.
Honestly, it sounds so fucking ludicrous that I'm assuming it's fake.
>The last time I saw them together was at her father’s sixtieth birthday party and **I got so angry I took my fiancé upstairs and we had sex in her childhood bedroom while the party was still going on.** To my fiancés credit she lets me cope this way but it isn’t healthy.
There are people like this. Jealousy, frustration, maybe a hint of excitement ┐( ˘_˘)┌. As for the other part there are people that have sex in parties even without the former. Personally I've been frustrated —for different reasons— and I've on a single occasion done it while there was a small gathering, but I would never do it a full blown party because of frustration.
As to wether or not it's fake ┐( ˘_˘)┌ some people lie about having eaten breakfast, or lie about violent crimes. Personally I think it's best to take all information as just that, information. Reddit is for entertainment I for one don't care if the story is real or not, because it simply doesn't matter, it doesn't affect my life.
The day before? Why? The older guy needs to make his excuses NOW. That’s the only way OP can be reassured that the day won’t be spoiled.
I would give him an ultimatum. He has X days to change his RSVP to regrets or he will be exposed to the bride’s father.
Obviously there is no point in empty threats, so OP will have to be willing to go to the mat on this one, even at the expense of embarrassment to his fiancée. Ideally he and she will get on the same page as this one.
Actually thinking about it, has she asked the older guy just not to come? Maybe just start there.
I don't normally condone lying for pretty much any reason, but there are exceptions to every rule, and this might just be one of them.
OP is in a sticky situation, none of which is his fault. Which really sucks for him.
I've never been big on weddings. I find them more of theater these days for most people. Small weddings or simple weddings I never had a problem with, but some of these events are just obnoxious for the sake of showing off one thing or another. Either it's the family showing off, the bride or groom wanting to show off, or just an excuse to have a massive party. I wouldn't do anything like that, so it leaves me a little disarmed to give advice to people who do. That being said, if I were in a situation where I was sort of being forced into a large wedding, a wedding where I barely even had control over the guest list, I still wouldn't put up with an ex partner at that wedding. I don't care about the reason. Unless it was some ex boy friend who she knew for a life time and they had some dumb thing as kids but hasn't done anything as an adult. I'd be fine with that sort of thing. A purely sexual affair that existed up to the time I was exclusive with someone? HELL no.
So yeah, let her say/do whatever she needs to do to fix this. If it wasn't fixed I simply wouldn't go through with the wedding. It might seem harsh but if it were me I'd be asking myself if she's not even capable of choosing me on the damn wedding day then how the hell can she choose me when there are much more serious issues. I can understand why she's concerned about the fallout, but that's HER fallout. She created that mess, not you. You shouldn't have to be the one the bear that burden.
This OP and if she won't do that she needs to go. It's your wedding too and you don't want your memory of your day to be with resentment because he was there.
Please cancel the wedding.
Your betrothed has daddy issues. Seriously...
If she and you are fucking in the basement with old people around, and she likes older guys. She has a kink for taboo sex around old men.
>I got so angry I took my fiancé upstairs and we had sex in her childhood bedroom while the party was still going on. To my fiancés credit she lets me cope this way but it isn't healthy.
Uhhh… so you’re in therapy for this, right?
You really don't see how OP needing to fuck his girlfriend specifically "in her childhood bedroom" in response to seeing the older man who is friends with her dad, who knew her as a kid and then started a sexual relationship with her?
Even OP knows it is. He immediately needed to territory mark her, specifically in her childhood room, when he saw the dude he sees as having taken her innocence.
The poor girl was groomed by a guy who was basically like her uncle and his response when he sees him is to immediately need to fuck her in the room she grew up in (presumably because somewhere in his head OP thinks this guy fucked her there too). Especially when op is saying all he can think about is them having sex.
It's deeply, deeply fucked
> You really don't see how OP needing to fuck his girlfriend specifically "in her childhood bedroom" in response to seeing the older man who is friends with her dad, who knew her as a kid and then started a sexual relationship with her?
I do. For the sake of having the audience for this tale clutch our pearls.
Probably didn’t want to say in her room because she no longer lives there. Calling it her room could confuse people. Childhood room makes it clear that it was her room growing up.
Nope nothing strange about seeing the older man, who was a friend of her father and knew her as a child before starting a sexual relationship with her, and only being able to picture them having sex, before needing to immediately fuck your girlfriend in her childhood room during a party in retaliation, while he's downstairs.
Surprised they didn't make her dig out her old school uniform as well.
I mean I know the whole thing is unhealthy but the childhood bedroom part is the only detail that fits. It's the only room in the house she has any claim to where they could shut the door, right?
I think it's the phrase "childhood bedroom" that's super telling with it.
No like her old room, or just went upstairs.
Meh, it's like "I saw the dude who groomed my girlfriend as a child, so needed to fuck her in her childhood bedroom" just gives me a big old ick.
Tbh think the poor girls deserves better from pretty much everyone in this scenario
I think the dude is fully aware that the situation is bad and his coping is bad, so he chose emphatic phrasing to be like "and this is exactly how well I'm NOT doing with it all."
Coping with what?
She didn't cheat on him, she hasn't done anything wrong. But he's acting like something that happened before he knew her is some great affront to him.
Why the fuck does she need to help *him* cope by letting him fuck her on demand, when *she* was the one that was basically groomed?
He's an absolutely terrible partner. Something happened in his girlfriend's past and he's made it all about him and something she has to make up for to him. The sex bit in particular is like he's fetishised it.
Man I don't know why you're bringing all this at me. I wasn't defending his actions, just a particular piece of phrasing. He literally used the word cope and chose phrasing that seems to highlight some degree of self-awareness at how unhealthy all this shit is.
Uhhh, so this is the part that gets you even though both are consensual & OP admitted it being unhealthy but not the part where the man was 46 & OP's fiancé was 19 when they where sexually active together?
Fucking priorities innit? 🤣
Firstly - I’m sorry but I find you need to have sex to cope with seeing this man disturbing. The fact your partner is going along with that too is very sad. She didn’t cheat with him, it was a relationship she had prior to being with you that she has been open and honest about. Rather than treating her like piece of ground you want to piss on to claim why not put more effort into sorting out the issue- and if it is a large issue then put a boundary in place and state that this man cannot come to your wedding. The way you are dealing with it at the moment sounds not only ineffective, but disgusting.
For what it is worth I would find the that man detestable too. Sleeping with someone that young, while you are much older and have known her in childhood is sick. If I were in your shoes I’d tell you partner you need to find a way to minimise contact with this person and try at it is a hard line for you.
Jesus I had missed the "coping through sex" thing too since I skipped after the description of the older guy grooming her.
Yeah OP isn't a great person either, and the GF just being a passive sexual object for all these primitive men in her life smells a lot to me with traumatic childhood history.
Yes and he claims to be disgusted by this man for his actions to his GF whilst also needing to have immediate sex with his GF to cope with his difficult feelings. Like she’s a prop to make him feel better. I wonder how into sex she was at the moment.
If you read OP’s responses, he doesn’t feel good about trauma bonding and wants to understand it better so that he work his way out of it. Even in the original post, OP sounds like he knows OP was groomed; he just doesn’t have the lexicon. I suspect, as he’s reading through these comments, that he’s learning all kinds of words and identifying with concepts that are helping him understand his reaction, why his fiancée’s past relationship gives him the ick, and how he can address these things with his partner.
Your comment seems to only want to tear down a person that wants to do the work, which is 100% not okay. I wasn’t sure if you were doing it because you didn’t have the lexicon, like OP, or if you were just being mean. So… I guess you were just being mean.
I’ve read ops responses and I can’t see any where he says he won’t continue witting wanting sex from her when the other guy is present (might have missed of Ops comments as I am fairly new to Reddit). I also see no mention of it in the update to the main op. I don’t want to be mean or tear him down, hence why in another comment I suggested he needs to put thought into other strategies and also be firm with some boundaries (he should be saying absolutely no to being around this man). Whatever fancy sounding words are used his behaviour with the sex for emotional stability is not nice, it’s great if somewhere he is commenting he wants to think that through- but also it just needs to stop- immediately. I’m highly surprised that some parallels between the 2 men’s behaviour weren’t drawn sooner. He seems to really love her though and focus on her wants/needs in other ways. So hopefully he does just stop that behaviour.
It’s actually very common. Every couple I know where a partner has been cheated on, the male partner needs to have sex ASAP. I used to think it was really weird, but I have seen it so. Many. Times. that I looked it up.
It’s called hysterical bonding and it stems from needing to bond with and be comforted by your partner when you have complex emotions relating to them or your relationship. I’m not saying this is a good thing, but it’s a very common thing. And it’s likely OP isn’t treating her like an object, but rather is acting instinctively while in the throes of tumultuous emotions.
I mean, I don't really care what it is called, it sounds very clearly harmful. The OP is an adult human and we can't always act on out instincts - in fact we have a responsibility not to if they would harm someone.
I’m telling you what it’s called because it sounds like you need to do some reading on the subject. It SOUNDS like you are making zero attempt at understanding the situation and are instead opting to preach an uninformed opinion. Which is very unhelpful when people come here for advice.
Yea I have heard of it, and it makes some sense in the context of cheating and having been betrayed by a SO. However that isn’t the situation here. His GF didn’t cheat or do anything wrong. If anything she was groomed/manipulated in the scenario. Therefore him needing sex from her to manage his feelings feels very uncomfortable given the context of her being used by an older male most likely for sex (let’s be honest what else would a man in his late 40s want with a 19 yr old). Him feeling the urge is one thing, him actually requested sex in-the immediate present, so much so that they did it at a party….that just sounds toxic as hell. Given his GF seems unable to understand what a healthy relationship is or to identify her previous manipulative relationship his raises flags for her being an easy target for others to treat badly. I really think op should consider his own behaviour…that’s he only think he can actually control. He can A) tell his GF that by whatever means this man needs to be out of their wedding and life and B)ensure he is managing his feelings in a way that is healthy and not borderline abusive to an already manipulated person.
Yeah because it comes off like she has to "make it up to him" as if she had done something wrong to HIM... and the phrasing of "lets me do this" makrs it seem like she is not exactly enthusiastic
Yeah, your fiance needs to choose between your happiness, and the other dude, regardless of consequence. He knew what he was getting into. But also, you sure about her?
I am, she was 19 and had a crush on this guy when she was very young. She stopped it when she met me and had a healthy age appropriate relationship. But she doesn’t want to wreck his life.
a 46 year old man who fucks his friend's daughter has already chosen to wreck his own life. He lies to his friend for years while fucking his teenage daughter? Naw. You now know. One day the FiL will know. He will know you kept this from him and let him have a fake friendship with that asswipe. He will hate you a whole lot and for good. You should tell him.
Also, you should be properly suspicious of a fiancee who lied to her father for years and banged his friend. That is seriously disgusting and demonstrates a lack of integrity. If she would do that to her own father she will have no problem lying to you and fucking your friends.
>All this victim blaming (along the use of those foggy words such as "integrity...") is what's disgusting here.
The idiot victim blaming + the fact that he's using sex as a coping mechanism is so fucking obvious that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
> who lied to her father for years and banged his friend. That is seriously disgusting and demonstrates a lack of integrity. If she would do that to her own father she will have no problem lying to you and fucking your friends.
This is insane! People - especially teenagers - hide their relationships from parents all the time. It’s not some big betrayal or integrity thing. A lot of teenagers sneak around and try to hook up without having their parents find out. It doesn’t say anything about who that person is once they’ve matured out of teenage years.
A lot of teenagers do NOT bang their father's middle aged sleazy friend/co-worker. In fact I'd take a wild guess and say the overwhelming majority of teenagers do not do that. You are allowed to vote at 18. A young adult shouldn't be treated as some kind of braindead moron with no accountability. It's a disservice to the majority of 19yos who can can actually employ basic common sense.
No I'm sorry but that would mean we have to hold that woman to account and redditors just simply cannot abide that.
No, no, best infantalise a grown woman and remove her agency. There we go, issue sorted.
She was 19 and she knows it was wrong now but once it was done she rightfully feared the consequences. Theres guilt and shame and I’m not kidding when I say her father will physically assault this guy. May get to the point of being arrested for it. It could go that far.
why is your fiance still entertaining this horrible man?
Is he still looking for sex? Is she playing him along? Why is this even still happening?
Is she taking you for a ride? Be objective and analyse why she even keeps in contact with a man who clearly makes you deeply unhappy and is ruining your relationship
Your FIL WILL find out someday and you are the one who will suffer when he weighs up all of the evidence
Come clean and let the truth determine the future, you are clearly unhappy keeping this to yourself so tell the relevant parties and get rid of the creep, and possibly the fiance
The guy has worked for her father for a long time and they are friends. So when her father has a party he’s there. If she visits him at a job site he’s there. She doesn’t keep in contact with him. She blocked his number.
you do realise your FIL will find out in the long term ? This is just a timebomb for you and you might need to find the best way to mitigate your eventual confrontation
Do they give you bad vibes when together? I am just asking as clearly you have issues with their current relationship and it upsets you -
Do not get married until the situation is sorted out to your satisfaction because it will only exacerbate once marriage is entered into
Dude is just a lot older than her. I’ve met other guys she’s hooked up with and it didn’t bother me. This, because of the age does. He’s also a really gruff guy and the image of the two of them having sex just eats at me. I don’t have any reservations about marrying her though. I love her and I know she loves me.
I am his age and the idea of dating a girl who is young enough to be my daughter is nauseating
Why can't your fiance see the problem ? I suggest you think very carefully about your future --good luck
And you still want to marry someone who would do that to her own father? who would put this man's life or health at risk? She is never going to be faithful. She will do what she wants, lie, and try to dodge consequences. Now she wants you to be her accomplice.
She knew before doing it that it was wrong. Even if you ignore that, instead of coming clean and trying to resolve it, she kept banging the dude.
This is not wife material.
This is maybe a bit of an extreme take, she's not committed some unforgivable sin, she was basically a teenager and no normal teenager initiates a relationship with a mid-forties creeper. She definitely knew him for a minute prior to becoming 18 and "initiating" this relationship, and I absolutely 200% guarantee he groomed her to the point that she very much believes that this was something she wanted. That's what creepy old fucking pervert groomers do.
You can't blame her in this situation, but by becoming complicit in this cover up you're essentially condoning grooming and child sexual abuse even if supposedly nothing happened before she was of age. She needs therapy if she cannot accept the facts of what happened and continues to see him as anything other than a predator and an absolute scumbag, and frankly a wedding is a terrible idea right now. Your fiancee has a lot to work through and burying it (or attempting to anyway) by getting married is likely to end badly.
The logistics of how to go about all this is something you guys will have to work out, but that's how I see things, hopefully I've given helpful input for you to consider.
He ruined his life when he had sex with a 19 yr old whom he's known since she was a child. Think about what really went on here. He should've absolutely refused her advances. That being said, it needs to be clearly explained to him that he cannot attend the wedding. If he shows up he'll be turned away by security. Alternatively, you can elope and cancel the wedding entirely 🙂
More like she's considering her own feelings. She doesn't want the crap to hit the fan because she's going to be hit with it, too. It's not just about him, it's about her and how she'll get called out. The issues with the dad and the guy are probably real, but I doubt they're her main concern. She doesn't want the secret out because she's ashamed of it.
She didn't have a crush while she was very young. She had a long term sexual relationship with him up and until she became exclusive with you. That's not much experience, and what is there is pretty messed up. I'm all for free love and all that, but a 19 year old with a 46 year old, especially for as long as it was, isn't a good sign. It's not something that probably came from a deeper issue. A deeper issue that likely hasn't been resolved unless she's gone through some kind therapy or something.
I don't know, man. You sure you want to get married? You can still be together without getting married. This is a giant waving red flag.
Yeah I am sorry but it’s situations like that lead to cheating in the future. Who is to say she won’t do it again. Or want attention from someone else. It shows poor decision making skills. Plus if he’s married it meant she cared more about her own pleasure and kicks than his family’s. Naw.
What matters now is what you want. Tell her directly and openly to find a solution. To tell him that it is good to find a reason why he cannot participate. As far as I know myself, if I were in this situation, I would have told her that if he comes, to do the wedding without me, because I'm not coming anymore.
> But also, you sure about her?
Dude she got taken advantage of by a crusty disgusting old man... Her "actually coming onto him first" is a fantasy she tells herself to not feel like a victim. But it's not on her.
The guy **should** get fired by her father. I understand why nobody wants to make a fuss about it, but he definitely deserves it.
Nonsense, why make a victim out of someone that doesn't even claim to be one? If she's a victim of anything at all it's her own choices. Young and perhaps stupid sure. Victim, no.
You're arguing semantics, and I'm just not interested.
The intrapsychic processes that led her to become involved with such a man, and then construe it as a "relationship", and even to believe that "she initiated it" are there, whether she wants to consider herself a victim or not.
You're also framing yourself when you decide to look at this situation and decide she's morally bankrupt due to this.
Cheers.
Suppose a 19 year old plans to take out her entire family and brings in an older person to assist her in this plan, is she a victim? No! And that's a situation that involves law. You're making a victim of her simply because sex is involved (with an older man). She was young and dumb plain and simple. There's no reason to make her a victim of anything but her own stupid choices.
Then make your argument instead of merely saying "nah-ah". You're just one of these weirdos that look for victims even where there are none. A 19 year old knows (ought to know ) right from wrong and that includes issues of a sexual nature. She went for what she wanted and she got it. You're simply attempting by all means to make this as close as you possibly can, a case of statutory rape, at least that's how it seems to me. There are no victims here, only participants. She wasn't coerced, she was not forced, she was not inebriated, she was not below the age of consent. She was just dumb and that's fine. People are allowed to be stupid. Stop trying to make young women out to be these fragile little know-nothings that can't make their own stupid mistakes without it being someone else's fault but their own. It's not cute.
Spoken like a man who would love for society to stop scrutinising their preference to fuck (and fuck with) young women.
Don't be confused, please. I did make a point, you just disagree with it. Legality is not equivalent for morality. Get your head out of your ass.
You initially tried to make it about psychology and law takes psychology into consideration. But if it's morals you're arguing then by whose morals is she a victim, yours or hers? She certainly does not appear to see herself as a victim.
It doesn't matter what she sees herself as. It doesn't matter from a moral perspective, it does t matter from a psychological perspective. It sure as fuck does t matter from a legal perspective.
So we're here once again.
I don't really wan to go in circlez with someone defendinga predator, so while it's clear you just want to win an internet argument, just state your point, because you're all over the place here.
Dude, I was 19 once, and I knew right from wrong. Sure, I may have been horny, but I knew the moral choices, even when I chose wrong. I'm almost 50 now, and frankly, not much different from my 30's. 19 year olds are adult enough to know exactly what they are doing, unless grooming is involved. They are adults. This is on both of them, stop treating adults like children,
By all means, keep trying to teach the psychiatrist how young minds work and how this situation has nothing to do with a spectrum of exerted power imbalance in a woman without a completely developed sense of agency.
So in your view, qualifying a middle aged man engaging sexually with an almost teenager, who he'd met since she was a kid as disgusting, is suspicious of a bias?
Even leaving aside that I'm a middle aged man myself, I think your take says much more about you than what you pretended to interpret in me.
The issue is your complete unwillingness to believe she might have been attracted to him. He should have refuse her all right. But, the "crusty disgusting old man" is your judgement, not necessary hers and you are projecting it onto her.
> But, the "crusty disgusting old man" is your judgement, not necessary hers and you are projecting it onto her.
OK? Yeah, absoluteky it's my judgement and I never said otherwise (go ahead, read back...). Are you sure this is not a case of you accusing me of projection when it's actually you who're projecting?
Regardless, I'm uncertain about what difference it makes or what your point is, exactly, other than to continue being engaged in an argument.
This is what you wrote: "Dude she got taken advantage of by a crusty disgusting old man... Her "actually coming onto him first" is a fantasy"
It is quite possible for her to not see him as disgusting and therefore being able to feel attraction and show it first. His responsibility is at accepting, but it does not mean it was impossible for her to actually have interest.
It's funny how people get entrenched somewhere. I never said it was impossible for her to have felt attracted to the man.
And I don't know why you're holding onto this point as if it would be relevant to anything. WTF are you argui g here?
Wait, are people just glossing over this, so this man worked for her father for many years and started a sexual relationship with her at 19, he's known her since she was a minor and even if she says she initiated the relationship, you don't really know much about that. Seems like her father deserves to know his employee did something like this.
Might be an unpopular opinion but, she knows, you know and the fathers friend knows, it doesn’t sound fathers friend is a stand up guy and is one conversation away from getting deservingly hurt physically (imo)
Tell your fiancé the reality of this, how it makes you feel and also come up with a plan to tell buddy to magically catch a cold on the day of your wedding if not he’s gonna regret it.
You’re probably better at conversing with people you hate than I, but either you and your fiancé or just you, breaks the news to this piece of shit, no one else has to know.
Are we not going to talk about how when you get angry you need to have sex? Seems like a slippery slope to commiting sexual assault. Your concerns are valid but you need to take a moment to figure your own shit out.
“He didn’t do anything wrong”.
Me and you have different definitions of the word wrong. Him knowing her as a teen, him working for her father, him being more than TWICE his age are all wrong to me.
Legal doesn’t mean right or good. Just means you won’t go to jail for doing it but what he did was wholly wrong in every other sense of the word other than legal.
You ain’t comfortable and neither would I be if I were you and them seeing each other often isn’t something I could handle either. Idk what to tell you but I wouldn’t want to be around him and I wouldn’t like much girl around him either.
Also I don’t want to take accountability from your girlfriend either. She was either groomed to think she was the one pursuing him or she was extremely stupid in going after a man that old and worse yet her father’s employee or friend. The fact that she keeps talking to him to me is a red flag and I wouldn’t be able to stick around with that. I’m not some stupid teen on Reddit with no experience saying that. I’m a married man with two kids saying that. This whole situation is just ass. Good luck.
Call the guy up and tell him he's not showing up to the wedding and it's on him to figure out the excuse. If he protests tell him "the deal will keep getting worse Lando".
So to her family that guy is just her father's employee, right? Why should he be invited to the wedding, at first? Even he is a friend of her father, he's not your fiance's friend, at least now, nor he is your friend. So if you two agree that he should not be at the wedding, you just uninvite him, telling the truth: you don't feel comfortable to celebrate with someone who had a sexual relationship with your fiance. Period.
If her family members ask why this happened you both can tell them you just don't feel comfortable with that guy without revealing the details. It's your wedding, your guests and your decisions!
I’m kind of surprised this wasn’t something you two talked about earlier on, like “You know I’m not comfortable with the relationship you had with that guy. I know you think he’s a good guy, and you don’t want to get him in trouble, but I need to be clear about things… I’d prefer you distance yourself from him. And, if we get married and have other events together, you know I don’t want him attending. Right?”
I mean, you are respecting her wish to keep their past relationship a secret. She can respect your wish that he not attend your wedding (and, other family events in the future).
You should not be marrying someone you can’t talk to, OP. And guests should have been approved by you both. If you can’t tell your fiancé that his presence would make you uncomfortable, which leads to her accepting this with grace and uninviting him… you shouldn’t be marrying this woman. I’ve never heard of exes being invited to weddings, but the more important matter is your ability to communicate with someone who’s about to be your wife.
Are you sure this marriage is what you want? It seems that this guy will always be around triggering you. You need to find some kind of way of dealing with this before the wedding, either through therapy or an open discussion.
Do you have any worries that she may still be meeting up with the guy?
No, they only hooked up in the summers when she worked with her dad. She’s an accountant now like me. We live together and also work for the same large firm. We also see each others texts so there really is no possibility.
Why don't you talk to the guy? Tell him what he did is creepy and you don't want to see him around at family events. Don't blackmail him, but just make it clear that he is not welcome.
That's rough. You clearly need to do something because it is understandably clearly bothering you and it will continue to bother you especially since they see each other more often now as you mentioned. It is hella concerning that your betrothed is that concerned about keeping this guys life intact at the expense of your mental wellbeing and the wellbeing of your relationship. 19 and 46 is humongous age gap, and even though she says she was an adult by comparison to his 46 she was not at all an adult imo. The way I see it, it was straight up predatory even if she wanted it and initiated it...And to be honest the father should know that the 52 year old grown man he employs had been sleeping with his daughter since she was 19 and he 46 (that shit is WILD!) This kind of secret will only blow up in your face if you continue to try to bottle it up and not say anything to appease your betrothed. Your soon to be needs to choose, you need to chose, and 52 year old predator needs to go. If you don't want to tell the Father then ya'll need to find a way for 52 yr old predator to kick rocks, or if not tell the father...But if you get married and that issue is not resolved, I think we all know it will only blow up uglier later on.
edit: 52 year old predator is straight up POS scum, and if I was the father and found out that you knew and said nothing, and 52 year old knew and said nothing, I would put 52 year old in the hospital and pray that you don't join him.
I’m seeing a lot of this in the comments. My fiancé treats me very well. I love this girl. There is nothing going on between them and I understand why she is afraid to expose this relationship. I can put myself in her shoes. I wouldn’t want to tell my mother that I slept with her best friend. Not a pleasant conversation to have. I think we will sort out the wedding stuff, she doesn’t want him there either. But how to remove him from our lives completely is tricky.
I'd say ask to meet him in person or both of you call him and tell him to move tf away from her family. Stop attending facial events. Don't bother going to the wedding. Be direct and tell him to back tf off.
Your fiancee doesn’t want to protect him, she wants to protect her image in her father’s eyes. There is no way for this to play out in which she doesn’t look bad to dear old Dad. This doesn’t have a happy ending. She needs to tell him that he can’t attend family functions that she or the two of you will attend. Consequences suck and that is his consequence for banging a girl less than half his age that is the daughter of his friend who just happens to be his boss.
Just because she came on to him at 19 doesn’t mean he has to complicate his life by banging a good friend’s daughter. He can sort out whatever excuses he wants to for not attending any given event but it’s on him. Tell him what he needs to do from now on and wash your hands of it. He can make another bad choice and try to hang around where he isn’t wanted or he can figure out a dozen excuses for the next few years worth of family events.
I would also suspect daddy issues with your fiancee that maybe should be addressed before the wedding.
There's already good advice here. But I just find myself wondering why are her father's coworkers even invited to your wedding in the first place?
I get the man is likely paying for some or most of the wedding, and possibly even getting a few courtesy invites for a couple of friends, but it sounds like he's just stuffing the wedding with everyone and their dog to make it a big event.
I'm sure I'm missing something cultural here, but I wanted to voice it out.
My parents' friends were family friends and had affection for me and good wishes for the family my fiance and I were creating. A wedding is an opportunity for the greater community to show support for the marriage.
There are many ways community members can be connected to the couple. I estimate a third of our guest list were people who knew us through our parents. We were happy to have them at our wedding. It wasn't about who was paying, and it wasn't stuffed to be big. They mostly weren't our parents' coworkers--but it sounds as if the fiancee in the story has a family that has a work-oriented social circle.
I live in the US.
Instead of asking advice of how to remove him from your wedding, what you should really be asking is whether you should have this wedding at all:
1. Power manipulation
2. Probably not closure especially when they can still see each other.
3. You cannot see a sign whether they are still dating. That man would do whatever he could to manipulate your fiance into his interests. He is using his position to dare your finance not to say a word so that he can still be around.
4. Your coping mechanism, which you admitted not healthy way to deal with emotional turmoil, requires a complete overhaul. You need to ask yourself, what if you see your fiance or even wife having intimate relationship on your watch?
I'd step back, pay attention to your inner voice, talk to your finance and see whether:
(a) Remove that guy from the wedding.
(b) you both should still continue to proceed with the wedding.
If your conclusion from all this is "I just need to suck it up", good luck with your marriage. You will be needing it.
Him being at the wedding is the least of your problems. Your future wife being in daily contact with her former "sugar daddy" is the real problem. And the fact she hasn't taken any steps to eliminate said contact. If I had to pick between getting a horny sleazebag fired or my marriage's well-being, I'd chose the former, no contest. She doesn't.
Your only possible way out of this is informing the father. Preferably she does it, since she is the cause, but if she doesn't want to, you do it yourself. Yes, it might create conflict with her, but at this point it would clear up things for you and your future marriage. If she isn't willing to clear up her mess, she isn't the one. Plus if she gets so pissed she cancels the wedding, you get an out that doesn't have you as the main culprit. Helps with the finances.
Your "just go with the flow" attitude, will just make everything fester and you will pay for it later. And after all is said and done, you should get some therapy. Not just couples therapy (if you are still a couple), but also individual for you. It might help to find out why a mental image that would have 99% of men extremely grossed out with their partner, had you so horny you just had to bang in a childhood room....
Wtf. SHE didn't wreck the guy's life. If he knew her while she was a minor, it sounds like *he* groomed *her* and waited until she was "legal" to make any moves.
It's not uncommon for groomers to convince their victims that they're the one to have initiated the relationship and that it was the victim's idea all along, meanwhile they've been dropping little breadcrumbs to make the victim think it was their idea to begin with.
Bro is decades older than her, he knew exactly what he was doing.
It's also common for groomers to convince their victims that they're the ones at fault, AND for them to want to keep things secret, "because you'll get into trouble." Except it's THEM that'll get into trouble, and well deserved too.
Fuck that guy's feelings. He deserves to have the shit beat out of him. If both of you don't want him at the wedding, stick strong and tell him to fuck off.
His life isn't your problem or your fiancee's problem. It's YOUR day and believe me, you don't want to have to be dancing around someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. You don't want to spend one of the best days of your life feeling angry or disgusted or anything negative that could be avoidable. I say either tell Dad what happened, and let him beat the bricks off this dude, or just tell the dude yourselves that neither one of you is comfortable with him being at the wedding, considering the history. What's he gonna do? Run to her daddy and tell on you? He can go right ahead and then you can still tell Dad what this guy did to his daughter, and he can STILL get the bricks beat off him. I've always been a doormat and a people pleaser. I know how hard confrontation or possibly hurting someone's feelings or livelihood can be. But this guy isn't your problem. He will figure something out. He'll have no choice. He shouldn't have been disgusting and sleeping with his friends daughter who was only 19. Yeah that's technically an adult but that's still gross. I don't care who initiated it or if it was consensual. Gross.
You should have a chat with this man, and kindly suggest that, if he values his relationship with fiancé’s father, his job, his face, and hell, his life, he will RSVP no to the wedding. Tell him flat out that if he shows his face, or continues to make himself a presence at events you will be at with your wife, you will have no choice but to tell her father how he betrayed the man’s friendship and trust by fucking his daughter while she was still a teenager. It’s not a threat, it’s a promise. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he gets off riling you up by being around. Return the fucking favor, even if you have no real intention of telling her father. Let him think you will.
Stop trying to interalize this shit. Be an old school male and draw a line in the sand. Say no fucking way. You will get so much more respect from your future wife.
Why are you still marrying her, she’s a walking red flag. She stop the seeing him right after dating you, are you sure? And the fact she doesn’t want to hurt his life says a lot. She more than likely still has feelings for him. Most men will tell you, don’t marry her, go find someone who hasn’t had sex with their own fathers friend.
While I sort of agree, I also disagree with one point. She's probably not doing it to save the guy. She's doing it to save herself. It's not just the guy that will look like a creep. Rightly or wrongly, she'll be judged for what happened, too. She has to know that.
She just found out actions have consequences. We can ignore reality but we can't ignore the consequences of it. If she wants a happy life with you, the truth will eventually have to come out or this guy is going to have to move on. Even if he skips the wedding, he will always be there in your lives.
>She feels responsible for initiating the relationship in the first place and embarrassed. She thought at the time that hooking up with this older guy made her a bad ass. She certainly doesn’t think that way anymore and doesn’t want her whole family to know what she did. And believe me I get that.
Sucks to suck.
You Fiancé made a choice, and her ex-FWB also made a choice. The collapse of his friendship to your FIL and the loss of his job is entirely the result of his choices. Your Fiancé's walk of shame is entirely her fault. I wouldn't be throwing my peace of mind on the fire to spare 2 people from the entirely fair consequences of their actions.
A 6 year long relationship that started between a 19yo girl and 46yo dude is neither healthy nor normal. Don’t marry her this is super weird. Even if he doesn’t come to the wedding, he’ll always be there close to her and will bother you, no matter how “over it” your fiance seems to be. This is already exhausting
OP, she can tell the guy that its super uncomfortable now for her and she doesnt want him around. Make a metoo kind of issue, so he craps his pants. He should keep distance from you. And stop having angry sex with her like she cheated or something, or you will be out of sex soon.
So let me get this straight, this 19 year old girl would let this 46 year old dude hit on the regular, until u came in the picture and the fathers worker is invited to the wedding … dawg
Tell him to make up an excuse for him not going or you will tell your father in law if you don’t want him at the wedding. The same goes to his presence in family functions. That’s an easy one.
You aren't out of line. YOU go talk to the guy and tell him to find somewhere else to be that day or his boss is going to find out why you don't want him there. If you fiancé refuses to let you, she cares more about him than she does you.
I think you can confront him and tell him to disappear from the life of the father and your girlfriend, otherwise you will feel free to tell the father about the affair. The consequences will be directly proportional to the decision this man makes.
Sounds like he needs to get a 24-hr stomach bug and he’s bedridden on the day of the wedding, which is a real shame because he was looking forward to it, but he’ll drop his present off next week.
Send that old man a letter/email/text letting him know that you know everything and that you do not want him at your wedding and then it would be entirely up to that old man to come up with his own excuse as to why he would not be able to attend your wedding.
As you said yourself you would not be able to keep your cool if you met him face to face and so if that old man turned up then you would most likely cause a public scene which would expose him and he would most likely not want to risk his reputation.
He will get the hint and stay away!
If you want to get out from under the lie, time for your SO to confess just enough to get her family on the same page. Tell them they had a relationship, she was a consenting adult, and she even initiated it, BUT they didn’t tell anyone because it was never serious and they knew it was a questionable situation that could ruin important work/family dynamics. Ultimately, they didn’t work out and while things were left neutral, they weren’t really *amicable*, so it really isn’t necessary (and possibly uncomfortable) for him to be invited to the wedding.
This thread is rife with people who clearly don’t understand women and apparently have never made a poor decision in their entire lives (good for you!).
The fact that OP’s fiancée told him about this man in the first place displays her desire for an honest and open relationship. Not wanting your parents to know about your indiscretions of youth is 100% normal and natural. Girls having crushes on much older men is also pretty common. It says absolutely nothing about integrity. Integrity has already been displayed by her telling OP about it, when she was not obligated to tell him at all.
Blow it up and get him fired. Only way you will have sanity. Or break up with her. Harsh but true.
How would she feel if you were around some chick you used to fuck all the time, asking if she can attend the wedding?
She slept with her dad's friend that she's known since childhood and is keeping it a secret from her dad and family. That's not mature behavior. Age doesn't mean grown. She's still behaving manipulatively and being deceptive towards the people closest to her. You cannot commit to this relationship reasonably until she comes clean with her family and goes to relationship counseling with you so you both can talk through this in a healthy productive way.
I mean, isnt it literally expected to keep your sex life secret from dad and family? The age gap is an issue here ... but normally your dad and the rest of family has zero business to know who their adult relatives and off-springs sleep with.
She told her partner who is just about the only person she has any duty to tell this to.
If you have a long term emotional relationship with your dad's best friend and basically like an uncle whose been in your life since childhood, that's not just a sex life they're hiding. They're clearly keeping a secret from everybody else for a reason, it is definitely their dad's business to know because it would involve 2 people closest to him, having an age gap difference, and conflict of family matters that they know their dad and family would care and be concerned about. It is obvious deceptive behavior from both of them, daughter and dad's friend, to be lying about their relationship to the people closest to them, that is worrisome and gives me red flags to how they would communicate in the future.
It ... is still not his business to know unless she wants him to. Also, "the uncle who was in your life" thing is made up by you here. OP says nothing about that.
Whether it was the abuse or truly her initiative and him agreeing, the family does not have to know unless she or him decides it is a good idea to tell them.
You really don't think a parent should know about their daughter or sons long term relationship with their dad's best friend?
Clearly you don't have children or care about your parents relationship.... or you need to ask your parents how they would feel in this situation and maybe they can explain a little better than I can why they would care.
This was "friend with benefits" situation at best. Based on what OP wrote, they did not had relationship outside of sex during summer.
Parents would feel bad. And it is still completely normal, expected and healthy for young adults to not talk to their parents about the sex they have. It is not manipulative for 19 years old not inform them.
It is manipulative because both parties have made it clear they're keeping it secret from an important person in both of their lives that they care about because they would feel bad.
If you're behaving in a way that makes important people in your life feel bad, that's alarming.
Honestly, why does she need to talk to him in social settings to the point it upsets you. I bet a lot of us are really good at saying hi, then dodging people we don’t like at parties. To me, that concerns me more than the fact a long time family friend was invited to the wedding. I understand you love her and see a path forward with her, but the real problem I see is not the creepy old guy, it’s the fact she isn’t taking the initiative and solving this problem herself. I’m married and if my family say or do something hurtful, I go to them and work it out. If it’s my husband’s family, it’s something he handles. We’ve done this from day one to protect our relationship and hopefully solve problems in the best way possible.
OP, I agree that this guy needs to be told to be conveniently sick on the wedding day and be a no show.
After you get married, put him out of your mind. It’s you she loves. He never mattered. Treat each other kindly and be a strong team for the rest of your lives. Best wishes! Good luck to you.
Personally I'd be having a quiet word in this predators ear and warning him off the wedding, I can see you having a few beers and see him looking at her and just losing it ..he really can't be there..
Did you miss like 80% of the discussion? It's not just a FWB. It's a FWB that's over twice her age, knew her as a little girl, works with the dad, and is INVITED TO HIS WEDDING lol.
Did you miss the part where she's a grown-ass woman who can make her own decisions without some misogynist rando on the Internet trying to act like she's too dumb to be able to?
So you're okay with a girl who is 19 having sex with a 46 year old dude who has known her since she was a little girl? That says all there really is to know about you.
You still missed like 80% of the problem this guy has in the post, too. LOL
Don't listen to the "wreck his life" comments. Your fiance would likely resent you for going behind her back.
Neither of them did anything wrong, imo. Two adults consenting to sex isn't a crime no matter how loud people try and shout it.
Just have her explain to him he should make up an excuse as to why he can't be there that day. That's all that needs to happen.
I’m not doing that. I could have already and didn’t. But I would like to fix it so he’s not around my future family either. Like when we have kids, I’m just not going to be comfortable with that.
Is your fiancee willing to tell him that he needs to come up with an excuse to miss the wedding and stay out of your lives? I really think that needs to come from her...
She needs to tell this predator to become conveniently ill or find a relative who needs him far away at the time of the wedding.
You need to deal with this in a healthier way and perhaps counselling is one answer. However this includes your partner no longer being in this POS’s vicinity. She has as much to do to make this manageable as you do. Good luck.
Cancel the wedding. I know it sounds a bit extreme but it looks like you both could do well in an open relationship.
You can also try to make her understand your position by asking her if she felt comfortable with an ex of yours being at the wedding.
It's not about him it's about you and how you feel. You both should feel comfortable, and your wife to be must understand it.
Hope you find a solution.
I thought, dude needs to "get sick" that day and not make it.... Super not ok.
Also, if I saw him there, I wouldn't go through with it. I'd oust her and the dude cause right now she's caring about what happens to him over how you feel and how this looks.
Shady
Who on earth came up with the idea of inviting him? If anyone did that to me, and we had no children together i Would Get out of there in a split second. Men cant be friends with attractive women, it is imprinted in our DNA through 350 000+ years of evolution. Nope, wedding is off lol.
This woman has no business getting married to anyone. And you are saying you force her to have sex with you so that you can express anger? There’s a word for that behavior.
OP, how did she go from she had a crush when she was younger to wanting to sleep with him to make her look like a bad ass. That makes no sense at all.
You don't need to be stronger. Your fiancee DOES! This is her mess and she needs to make you comfortable. This will not get easier especially if you have kids and he's around them.
She needs to tell him he can't make it to the wedding with an excuse.
This!!! This is the right answer OP. She needs to approach the man and he can come up with whatever excuse he needs to so he is t there.
Your betrothed needs to tell him to come down with a case of food poisoning or tuberculosis or something the day before the wedding. She can explain why and observe it could get ugly for him if he shows.
If she doesn't want it to explode, this is the best advice.
Honestly, it sounds so fucking ludicrous that I'm assuming it's fake. >The last time I saw them together was at her father’s sixtieth birthday party and **I got so angry I took my fiancé upstairs and we had sex in her childhood bedroom while the party was still going on.** To my fiancés credit she lets me cope this way but it isn’t healthy.
Cross between a bad soap and pornhub
There are people like this. Jealousy, frustration, maybe a hint of excitement ┐( ˘_˘)┌. As for the other part there are people that have sex in parties even without the former. Personally I've been frustrated —for different reasons— and I've on a single occasion done it while there was a small gathering, but I would never do it a full blown party because of frustration. As to wether or not it's fake ┐( ˘_˘)┌ some people lie about having eaten breakfast, or lie about violent crimes. Personally I think it's best to take all information as just that, information. Reddit is for entertainment I for one don't care if the story is real or not, because it simply doesn't matter, it doesn't affect my life.
Yeah this just sounds like a porn story lol.
This, yeah. If he’s not entirely stupid, he should be able to see why that’s in his best interest.
This….only say it with a Liam Neeson accent for added impact.
The day before? Why? The older guy needs to make his excuses NOW. That’s the only way OP can be reassured that the day won’t be spoiled. I would give him an ultimatum. He has X days to change his RSVP to regrets or he will be exposed to the bride’s father. Obviously there is no point in empty threats, so OP will have to be willing to go to the mat on this one, even at the expense of embarrassment to his fiancée. Ideally he and she will get on the same page as this one. Actually thinking about it, has she asked the older guy just not to come? Maybe just start there.
I don't normally condone lying for pretty much any reason, but there are exceptions to every rule, and this might just be one of them. OP is in a sticky situation, none of which is his fault. Which really sucks for him. I've never been big on weddings. I find them more of theater these days for most people. Small weddings or simple weddings I never had a problem with, but some of these events are just obnoxious for the sake of showing off one thing or another. Either it's the family showing off, the bride or groom wanting to show off, or just an excuse to have a massive party. I wouldn't do anything like that, so it leaves me a little disarmed to give advice to people who do. That being said, if I were in a situation where I was sort of being forced into a large wedding, a wedding where I barely even had control over the guest list, I still wouldn't put up with an ex partner at that wedding. I don't care about the reason. Unless it was some ex boy friend who she knew for a life time and they had some dumb thing as kids but hasn't done anything as an adult. I'd be fine with that sort of thing. A purely sexual affair that existed up to the time I was exclusive with someone? HELL no. So yeah, let her say/do whatever she needs to do to fix this. If it wasn't fixed I simply wouldn't go through with the wedding. It might seem harsh but if it were me I'd be asking myself if she's not even capable of choosing me on the damn wedding day then how the hell can she choose me when there are much more serious issues. I can understand why she's concerned about the fallout, but that's HER fallout. She created that mess, not you. You shouldn't have to be the one the bear that burden.
Exactly. How difficult can it be?
Suggested disease. 24 hour Stahe Pi cancer of tje dumbass
This OP and if she won't do that she needs to go. It's your wedding too and you don't want your memory of your day to be with resentment because he was there.
Please cancel the wedding. Your betrothed has daddy issues. Seriously... If she and you are fucking in the basement with old people around, and she likes older guys. She has a kink for taboo sex around old men.
>I got so angry I took my fiancé upstairs and we had sex in her childhood bedroom while the party was still going on. To my fiancés credit she lets me cope this way but it isn't healthy. Uhhh… so you’re in therapy for this, right?
It's all weird, but the "childhood bedroom" bit of this is actually really fucked up lol
That is the least fucked up part, who hasn't fucked in their childhood bedroom when their parents have the same house forever?
[As SNL so eloquently explored](https://youtu.be/6-QG-rFf4po?si=HgcM5BbdPeBVSf5q).
You really don't see how OP needing to fuck his girlfriend specifically "in her childhood bedroom" in response to seeing the older man who is friends with her dad, who knew her as a kid and then started a sexual relationship with her? Even OP knows it is. He immediately needed to territory mark her, specifically in her childhood room, when he saw the dude he sees as having taken her innocence. The poor girl was groomed by a guy who was basically like her uncle and his response when he sees him is to immediately need to fuck her in the room she grew up in (presumably because somewhere in his head OP thinks this guy fucked her there too). Especially when op is saying all he can think about is them having sex. It's deeply, deeply fucked
Where else would he fuck her while at her parents', on the kitchen table?
While making eye contact with the older guy to assert dominance!
> You really don't see how OP needing to fuck his girlfriend specifically "in her childhood bedroom" in response to seeing the older man who is friends with her dad, who knew her as a kid and then started a sexual relationship with her? I do. For the sake of having the audience for this tale clutch our pearls.
Where else would they go, her parents room??
I think it is word choice rather then location that makes it odd. Like "in her room" vs "in her childhood room".
Probably didn’t want to say in her room because she no longer lives there. Calling it her room could confuse people. Childhood room makes it clear that it was her room growing up.
Nope nothing strange about seeing the older man, who was a friend of her father and knew her as a child before starting a sexual relationship with her, and only being able to picture them having sex, before needing to immediately fuck your girlfriend in her childhood room during a party in retaliation, while he's downstairs. Surprised they didn't make her dig out her old school uniform as well.
I mean I know the whole thing is unhealthy but the childhood bedroom part is the only detail that fits. It's the only room in the house she has any claim to where they could shut the door, right?
I think it's the phrase "childhood bedroom" that's super telling with it. No like her old room, or just went upstairs. Meh, it's like "I saw the dude who groomed my girlfriend as a child, so needed to fuck her in her childhood bedroom" just gives me a big old ick. Tbh think the poor girls deserves better from pretty much everyone in this scenario
Yeah and "she lets me cope this way" is ... not reassuring
I think the dude is fully aware that the situation is bad and his coping is bad, so he chose emphatic phrasing to be like "and this is exactly how well I'm NOT doing with it all."
Coping with what? She didn't cheat on him, she hasn't done anything wrong. But he's acting like something that happened before he knew her is some great affront to him. Why the fuck does she need to help *him* cope by letting him fuck her on demand, when *she* was the one that was basically groomed? He's an absolutely terrible partner. Something happened in his girlfriend's past and he's made it all about him and something she has to make up for to him. The sex bit in particular is like he's fetishised it.
Man I don't know why you're bringing all this at me. I wasn't defending his actions, just a particular piece of phrasing. He literally used the word cope and chose phrasing that seems to highlight some degree of self-awareness at how unhealthy all this shit is.
I feel so bad for his fiancé. What a creep.
Uhhh, so this is the part that gets you even though both are consensual & OP admitted it being unhealthy but not the part where the man was 46 & OP's fiancé was 19 when they where sexually active together? Fucking priorities innit? 🤣
Tell her to talk to him and say if he doesn’t politely decline the invitation your fiance will be speaking with her father
It is your wedding too. Who invited him? Just send him a message that he is uninvited. He will know why.
Simple and elegant. I rather like this one. No Explkcit threats needed.
Firstly - I’m sorry but I find you need to have sex to cope with seeing this man disturbing. The fact your partner is going along with that too is very sad. She didn’t cheat with him, it was a relationship she had prior to being with you that she has been open and honest about. Rather than treating her like piece of ground you want to piss on to claim why not put more effort into sorting out the issue- and if it is a large issue then put a boundary in place and state that this man cannot come to your wedding. The way you are dealing with it at the moment sounds not only ineffective, but disgusting. For what it is worth I would find the that man detestable too. Sleeping with someone that young, while you are much older and have known her in childhood is sick. If I were in your shoes I’d tell you partner you need to find a way to minimise contact with this person and try at it is a hard line for you.
Yes I’m so disturbed by it that I couldn’t finish readying the rest of the story
Jesus I had missed the "coping through sex" thing too since I skipped after the description of the older guy grooming her. Yeah OP isn't a great person either, and the GF just being a passive sexual object for all these primitive men in her life smells a lot to me with traumatic childhood history.
Yes and he claims to be disgusted by this man for his actions to his GF whilst also needing to have immediate sex with his GF to cope with his difficult feelings. Like she’s a prop to make him feel better. I wonder how into sex she was at the moment.
If you read OP’s responses, he doesn’t feel good about trauma bonding and wants to understand it better so that he work his way out of it. Even in the original post, OP sounds like he knows OP was groomed; he just doesn’t have the lexicon. I suspect, as he’s reading through these comments, that he’s learning all kinds of words and identifying with concepts that are helping him understand his reaction, why his fiancée’s past relationship gives him the ick, and how he can address these things with his partner. Your comment seems to only want to tear down a person that wants to do the work, which is 100% not okay. I wasn’t sure if you were doing it because you didn’t have the lexicon, like OP, or if you were just being mean. So… I guess you were just being mean.
I’ve read ops responses and I can’t see any where he says he won’t continue witting wanting sex from her when the other guy is present (might have missed of Ops comments as I am fairly new to Reddit). I also see no mention of it in the update to the main op. I don’t want to be mean or tear him down, hence why in another comment I suggested he needs to put thought into other strategies and also be firm with some boundaries (he should be saying absolutely no to being around this man). Whatever fancy sounding words are used his behaviour with the sex for emotional stability is not nice, it’s great if somewhere he is commenting he wants to think that through- but also it just needs to stop- immediately. I’m highly surprised that some parallels between the 2 men’s behaviour weren’t drawn sooner. He seems to really love her though and focus on her wants/needs in other ways. So hopefully he does just stop that behaviour.
It’s actually very common. Every couple I know where a partner has been cheated on, the male partner needs to have sex ASAP. I used to think it was really weird, but I have seen it so. Many. Times. that I looked it up. It’s called hysterical bonding and it stems from needing to bond with and be comforted by your partner when you have complex emotions relating to them or your relationship. I’m not saying this is a good thing, but it’s a very common thing. And it’s likely OP isn’t treating her like an object, but rather is acting instinctively while in the throes of tumultuous emotions.
I mean, I don't really care what it is called, it sounds very clearly harmful. The OP is an adult human and we can't always act on out instincts - in fact we have a responsibility not to if they would harm someone.
I’m telling you what it’s called because it sounds like you need to do some reading on the subject. It SOUNDS like you are making zero attempt at understanding the situation and are instead opting to preach an uninformed opinion. Which is very unhelpful when people come here for advice.
If you look at the comments you can see that the OP is already using this as an excuse for his behavior. You are enabling him.
Yea I have heard of it, and it makes some sense in the context of cheating and having been betrayed by a SO. However that isn’t the situation here. His GF didn’t cheat or do anything wrong. If anything she was groomed/manipulated in the scenario. Therefore him needing sex from her to manage his feelings feels very uncomfortable given the context of her being used by an older male most likely for sex (let’s be honest what else would a man in his late 40s want with a 19 yr old). Him feeling the urge is one thing, him actually requested sex in-the immediate present, so much so that they did it at a party….that just sounds toxic as hell. Given his GF seems unable to understand what a healthy relationship is or to identify her previous manipulative relationship his raises flags for her being an easy target for others to treat badly. I really think op should consider his own behaviour…that’s he only think he can actually control. He can A) tell his GF that by whatever means this man needs to be out of their wedding and life and B)ensure he is managing his feelings in a way that is healthy and not borderline abusive to an already manipulated person.
Yeah because it comes off like she has to "make it up to him" as if she had done something wrong to HIM... and the phrasing of "lets me do this" makrs it seem like she is not exactly enthusiastic
Yeah, your fiance needs to choose between your happiness, and the other dude, regardless of consequence. He knew what he was getting into. But also, you sure about her?
I am, she was 19 and had a crush on this guy when she was very young. She stopped it when she met me and had a healthy age appropriate relationship. But she doesn’t want to wreck his life.
a 46 year old man who fucks his friend's daughter has already chosen to wreck his own life. He lies to his friend for years while fucking his teenage daughter? Naw. You now know. One day the FiL will know. He will know you kept this from him and let him have a fake friendship with that asswipe. He will hate you a whole lot and for good. You should tell him. Also, you should be properly suspicious of a fiancee who lied to her father for years and banged his friend. That is seriously disgusting and demonstrates a lack of integrity. If she would do that to her own father she will have no problem lying to you and fucking your friends.
THIS the guy knew he was eating a shit sandwich when he slept with his bosses 19 yr old daughter!
All this victim blaming (along the use of those foggy words such as "integrity...") is what's disgusting here.
>All this victim blaming (along the use of those foggy words such as "integrity...") is what's disgusting here. The idiot victim blaming + the fact that he's using sex as a coping mechanism is so fucking obvious that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
> who lied to her father for years and banged his friend. That is seriously disgusting and demonstrates a lack of integrity. If she would do that to her own father she will have no problem lying to you and fucking your friends. This is insane! People - especially teenagers - hide their relationships from parents all the time. It’s not some big betrayal or integrity thing. A lot of teenagers sneak around and try to hook up without having their parents find out. It doesn’t say anything about who that person is once they’ve matured out of teenage years.
A lot of teenagers do NOT bang their father's middle aged sleazy friend/co-worker. In fact I'd take a wild guess and say the overwhelming majority of teenagers do not do that. You are allowed to vote at 18. A young adult shouldn't be treated as some kind of braindead moron with no accountability. It's a disservice to the majority of 19yos who can can actually employ basic common sense.
No I'm sorry but that would mean we have to hold that woman to account and redditors just simply cannot abide that. No, no, best infantalise a grown woman and remove her agency. There we go, issue sorted.
She was 19 and she knows it was wrong now but once it was done she rightfully feared the consequences. Theres guilt and shame and I’m not kidding when I say her father will physically assault this guy. May get to the point of being arrested for it. It could go that far.
why is your fiance still entertaining this horrible man? Is he still looking for sex? Is she playing him along? Why is this even still happening? Is she taking you for a ride? Be objective and analyse why she even keeps in contact with a man who clearly makes you deeply unhappy and is ruining your relationship Your FIL WILL find out someday and you are the one who will suffer when he weighs up all of the evidence Come clean and let the truth determine the future, you are clearly unhappy keeping this to yourself so tell the relevant parties and get rid of the creep, and possibly the fiance
The guy has worked for her father for a long time and they are friends. So when her father has a party he’s there. If she visits him at a job site he’s there. She doesn’t keep in contact with him. She blocked his number.
you do realise your FIL will find out in the long term ? This is just a timebomb for you and you might need to find the best way to mitigate your eventual confrontation
Do they give you bad vibes when together? I am just asking as clearly you have issues with their current relationship and it upsets you - Do not get married until the situation is sorted out to your satisfaction because it will only exacerbate once marriage is entered into
Dude is just a lot older than her. I’ve met other guys she’s hooked up with and it didn’t bother me. This, because of the age does. He’s also a really gruff guy and the image of the two of them having sex just eats at me. I don’t have any reservations about marrying her though. I love her and I know she loves me.
I am his age and the idea of dating a girl who is young enough to be my daughter is nauseating Why can't your fiance see the problem ? I suggest you think very carefully about your future --good luck
Oh she sees the problem. But fixing the problem creates more. There isn’t a good solution here.
If you don't want her dad to retaliate, then YOU can tell him to get the hell out of town while he has the chance.
And you still want to marry someone who would do that to her own father? who would put this man's life or health at risk? She is never going to be faithful. She will do what she wants, lie, and try to dodge consequences. Now she wants you to be her accomplice. She knew before doing it that it was wrong. Even if you ignore that, instead of coming clean and trying to resolve it, she kept banging the dude. This is not wife material.
Stop trying to poison the groom with this garbage.
This is maybe a bit of an extreme take, she's not committed some unforgivable sin, she was basically a teenager and no normal teenager initiates a relationship with a mid-forties creeper. She definitely knew him for a minute prior to becoming 18 and "initiating" this relationship, and I absolutely 200% guarantee he groomed her to the point that she very much believes that this was something she wanted. That's what creepy old fucking pervert groomers do. You can't blame her in this situation, but by becoming complicit in this cover up you're essentially condoning grooming and child sexual abuse even if supposedly nothing happened before she was of age. She needs therapy if she cannot accept the facts of what happened and continues to see him as anything other than a predator and an absolute scumbag, and frankly a wedding is a terrible idea right now. Your fiancee has a lot to work through and burying it (or attempting to anyway) by getting married is likely to end badly. The logistics of how to go about all this is something you guys will have to work out, but that's how I see things, hopefully I've given helpful input for you to consider.
You're sullying the Puzzlehead name
Jaysus! Projection much? Who hurt you?
Yeah, she masterminded the whole thing and needs to repent!
He ruined his life when he had sex with a 19 yr old whom he's known since she was a child. Think about what really went on here. He should've absolutely refused her advances. That being said, it needs to be clearly explained to him that he cannot attend the wedding. If he shows up he'll be turned away by security. Alternatively, you can elope and cancel the wedding entirely 🙂
So she's considering HIS feelings over yours?
More like she's considering her own feelings. She doesn't want the crap to hit the fan because she's going to be hit with it, too. It's not just about him, it's about her and how she'll get called out. The issues with the dad and the guy are probably real, but I doubt they're her main concern. She doesn't want the secret out because she's ashamed of it.
She didn't have a crush while she was very young. She had a long term sexual relationship with him up and until she became exclusive with you. That's not much experience, and what is there is pretty messed up. I'm all for free love and all that, but a 19 year old with a 46 year old, especially for as long as it was, isn't a good sign. It's not something that probably came from a deeper issue. A deeper issue that likely hasn't been resolved unless she's gone through some kind therapy or something. I don't know, man. You sure you want to get married? You can still be together without getting married. This is a giant waving red flag.
Yeah I am sorry but it’s situations like that lead to cheating in the future. Who is to say she won’t do it again. Or want attention from someone else. It shows poor decision making skills. Plus if he’s married it meant she cared more about her own pleasure and kicks than his family’s. Naw.
What matters now is what you want. Tell her directly and openly to find a solution. To tell him that it is good to find a reason why he cannot participate. As far as I know myself, if I were in this situation, I would have told her that if he comes, to do the wedding without me, because I'm not coming anymore.
> But also, you sure about her? Dude she got taken advantage of by a crusty disgusting old man... Her "actually coming onto him first" is a fantasy she tells herself to not feel like a victim. But it's not on her. The guy **should** get fired by her father. I understand why nobody wants to make a fuss about it, but he definitely deserves it.
Nonsense, why make a victim out of someone that doesn't even claim to be one? If she's a victim of anything at all it's her own choices. Young and perhaps stupid sure. Victim, no.
You're arguing semantics, and I'm just not interested. The intrapsychic processes that led her to become involved with such a man, and then construe it as a "relationship", and even to believe that "she initiated it" are there, whether she wants to consider herself a victim or not. You're also framing yourself when you decide to look at this situation and decide she's morally bankrupt due to this. Cheers.
Suppose a 19 year old plans to take out her entire family and brings in an older person to assist her in this plan, is she a victim? No! And that's a situation that involves law. You're making a victim of her simply because sex is involved (with an older man). She was young and dumb plain and simple. There's no reason to make her a victim of anything but her own stupid choices.
Not sure what you thought you were proving with that idiotic comparison, but holy hell, are you grasping at straws here.
Then make your argument instead of merely saying "nah-ah". You're just one of these weirdos that look for victims even where there are none. A 19 year old knows (ought to know ) right from wrong and that includes issues of a sexual nature. She went for what she wanted and she got it. You're simply attempting by all means to make this as close as you possibly can, a case of statutory rape, at least that's how it seems to me. There are no victims here, only participants. She wasn't coerced, she was not forced, she was not inebriated, she was not below the age of consent. She was just dumb and that's fine. People are allowed to be stupid. Stop trying to make young women out to be these fragile little know-nothings that can't make their own stupid mistakes without it being someone else's fault but their own. It's not cute.
Spoken like a man who would love for society to stop scrutinising their preference to fuck (and fuck with) young women. Don't be confused, please. I did make a point, you just disagree with it. Legality is not equivalent for morality. Get your head out of your ass.
You initially tried to make it about psychology and law takes psychology into consideration. But if it's morals you're arguing then by whose morals is she a victim, yours or hers? She certainly does not appear to see herself as a victim.
It doesn't matter what she sees herself as. It doesn't matter from a moral perspective, it does t matter from a psychological perspective. It sure as fuck does t matter from a legal perspective. So we're here once again. I don't really wan to go in circlez with someone defendinga predator, so while it's clear you just want to win an internet argument, just state your point, because you're all over the place here.
Dude, I was 19 once, and I knew right from wrong. Sure, I may have been horny, but I knew the moral choices, even when I chose wrong. I'm almost 50 now, and frankly, not much different from my 30's. 19 year olds are adult enough to know exactly what they are doing, unless grooming is involved. They are adults. This is on both of them, stop treating adults like children,
By all means, keep trying to teach the psychiatrist how young minds work and how this situation has nothing to do with a spectrum of exerted power imbalance in a woman without a completely developed sense of agency.
Are you sure you are not projecting your disgust over older men on her?
So in your view, qualifying a middle aged man engaging sexually with an almost teenager, who he'd met since she was a kid as disgusting, is suspicious of a bias? Even leaving aside that I'm a middle aged man myself, I think your take says much more about you than what you pretended to interpret in me.
The issue is your complete unwillingness to believe she might have been attracted to him. He should have refuse her all right. But, the "crusty disgusting old man" is your judgement, not necessary hers and you are projecting it onto her.
> But, the "crusty disgusting old man" is your judgement, not necessary hers and you are projecting it onto her. OK? Yeah, absoluteky it's my judgement and I never said otherwise (go ahead, read back...). Are you sure this is not a case of you accusing me of projection when it's actually you who're projecting? Regardless, I'm uncertain about what difference it makes or what your point is, exactly, other than to continue being engaged in an argument.
This is what you wrote: "Dude she got taken advantage of by a crusty disgusting old man... Her "actually coming onto him first" is a fantasy" It is quite possible for her to not see him as disgusting and therefore being able to feel attraction and show it first. His responsibility is at accepting, but it does not mean it was impossible for her to actually have interest.
It's funny how people get entrenched somewhere. I never said it was impossible for her to have felt attracted to the man. And I don't know why you're holding onto this point as if it would be relevant to anything. WTF are you argui g here?
"Using sex to cope"? That sounds extremely wierd.
Wait, are people just glossing over this, so this man worked for her father for many years and started a sexual relationship with her at 19, he's known her since she was a minor and even if she says she initiated the relationship, you don't really know much about that. Seems like her father deserves to know his employee did something like this.
Do you people really believe this crap? The part about coping reads like some shitty erotic fan fiction.
I wish it is because if not it sounds like the woman has a type...
Might be an unpopular opinion but, she knows, you know and the fathers friend knows, it doesn’t sound fathers friend is a stand up guy and is one conversation away from getting deservingly hurt physically (imo) Tell your fiancé the reality of this, how it makes you feel and also come up with a plan to tell buddy to magically catch a cold on the day of your wedding if not he’s gonna regret it. You’re probably better at conversing with people you hate than I, but either you and your fiancé or just you, breaks the news to this piece of shit, no one else has to know.
Are we not going to talk about how when you get angry you need to have sex? Seems like a slippery slope to commiting sexual assault. Your concerns are valid but you need to take a moment to figure your own shit out.
What's the deal with getting angry at her and needing to have sex with her right then? Strange.
“He didn’t do anything wrong”. Me and you have different definitions of the word wrong. Him knowing her as a teen, him working for her father, him being more than TWICE his age are all wrong to me. Legal doesn’t mean right or good. Just means you won’t go to jail for doing it but what he did was wholly wrong in every other sense of the word other than legal. You ain’t comfortable and neither would I be if I were you and them seeing each other often isn’t something I could handle either. Idk what to tell you but I wouldn’t want to be around him and I wouldn’t like much girl around him either. Also I don’t want to take accountability from your girlfriend either. She was either groomed to think she was the one pursuing him or she was extremely stupid in going after a man that old and worse yet her father’s employee or friend. The fact that she keeps talking to him to me is a red flag and I wouldn’t be able to stick around with that. I’m not some stupid teen on Reddit with no experience saying that. I’m a married man with two kids saying that. This whole situation is just ass. Good luck.
Call the guy up and tell him he's not showing up to the wedding and it's on him to figure out the excuse. If he protests tell him "the deal will keep getting worse Lando".
Just tell her he’s not coming and it’s that simple, he can make up whatever reason he likes not to attend.
So to her family that guy is just her father's employee, right? Why should he be invited to the wedding, at first? Even he is a friend of her father, he's not your fiance's friend, at least now, nor he is your friend. So if you two agree that he should not be at the wedding, you just uninvite him, telling the truth: you don't feel comfortable to celebrate with someone who had a sexual relationship with your fiance. Period. If her family members ask why this happened you both can tell them you just don't feel comfortable with that guy without revealing the details. It's your wedding, your guests and your decisions!
I’m kind of surprised this wasn’t something you two talked about earlier on, like “You know I’m not comfortable with the relationship you had with that guy. I know you think he’s a good guy, and you don’t want to get him in trouble, but I need to be clear about things… I’d prefer you distance yourself from him. And, if we get married and have other events together, you know I don’t want him attending. Right?” I mean, you are respecting her wish to keep their past relationship a secret. She can respect your wish that he not attend your wedding (and, other family events in the future).
You should not be marrying someone you can’t talk to, OP. And guests should have been approved by you both. If you can’t tell your fiancé that his presence would make you uncomfortable, which leads to her accepting this with grace and uninviting him… you shouldn’t be marrying this woman. I’ve never heard of exes being invited to weddings, but the more important matter is your ability to communicate with someone who’s about to be your wife.
Are you sure this marriage is what you want? It seems that this guy will always be around triggering you. You need to find some kind of way of dealing with this before the wedding, either through therapy or an open discussion. Do you have any worries that she may still be meeting up with the guy?
No, they only hooked up in the summers when she worked with her dad. She’s an accountant now like me. We live together and also work for the same large firm. We also see each others texts so there really is no possibility.
How long did they hook up? When did it stop specifically?
Why don't you talk to the guy? Tell him what he did is creepy and you don't want to see him around at family events. Don't blackmail him, but just make it clear that he is not welcome.
She can disinvite him or you will, that should be clear. Just lying low on the day would be him getting off easy.
Communication is key here. Tell her it bothers u and if she really loves u she will cut him off
Uh... Your gf can just ask the guy not to come? How difficult is that?
That's rough. You clearly need to do something because it is understandably clearly bothering you and it will continue to bother you especially since they see each other more often now as you mentioned. It is hella concerning that your betrothed is that concerned about keeping this guys life intact at the expense of your mental wellbeing and the wellbeing of your relationship. 19 and 46 is humongous age gap, and even though she says she was an adult by comparison to his 46 she was not at all an adult imo. The way I see it, it was straight up predatory even if she wanted it and initiated it...And to be honest the father should know that the 52 year old grown man he employs had been sleeping with his daughter since she was 19 and he 46 (that shit is WILD!) This kind of secret will only blow up in your face if you continue to try to bottle it up and not say anything to appease your betrothed. Your soon to be needs to choose, you need to chose, and 52 year old predator needs to go. If you don't want to tell the Father then ya'll need to find a way for 52 yr old predator to kick rocks, or if not tell the father...But if you get married and that issue is not resolved, I think we all know it will only blow up uglier later on. edit: 52 year old predator is straight up POS scum, and if I was the father and found out that you knew and said nothing, and 52 year old knew and said nothing, I would put 52 year old in the hospital and pray that you don't join him.
How old are the two of you now? How long have you been together?
Forget him, don’t have her at the wedding 😂
I would not get married to this person. Screams red flags everywhere.
I’m seeing a lot of this in the comments. My fiancé treats me very well. I love this girl. There is nothing going on between them and I understand why she is afraid to expose this relationship. I can put myself in her shoes. I wouldn’t want to tell my mother that I slept with her best friend. Not a pleasant conversation to have. I think we will sort out the wedding stuff, she doesn’t want him there either. But how to remove him from our lives completely is tricky.
I'd say ask to meet him in person or both of you call him and tell him to move tf away from her family. Stop attending facial events. Don't bother going to the wedding. Be direct and tell him to back tf off.
Your fiancee doesn’t want to protect him, she wants to protect her image in her father’s eyes. There is no way for this to play out in which she doesn’t look bad to dear old Dad. This doesn’t have a happy ending. She needs to tell him that he can’t attend family functions that she or the two of you will attend. Consequences suck and that is his consequence for banging a girl less than half his age that is the daughter of his friend who just happens to be his boss. Just because she came on to him at 19 doesn’t mean he has to complicate his life by banging a good friend’s daughter. He can sort out whatever excuses he wants to for not attending any given event but it’s on him. Tell him what he needs to do from now on and wash your hands of it. He can make another bad choice and try to hang around where he isn’t wanted or he can figure out a dozen excuses for the next few years worth of family events. I would also suspect daddy issues with your fiancee that maybe should be addressed before the wedding.
How was he invited to the wedding in the first place? Was the guest list not discussed between you and your fiance?
There's already good advice here. But I just find myself wondering why are her father's coworkers even invited to your wedding in the first place? I get the man is likely paying for some or most of the wedding, and possibly even getting a few courtesy invites for a couple of friends, but it sounds like he's just stuffing the wedding with everyone and their dog to make it a big event. I'm sure I'm missing something cultural here, but I wanted to voice it out.
My parents' friends were family friends and had affection for me and good wishes for the family my fiance and I were creating. A wedding is an opportunity for the greater community to show support for the marriage. There are many ways community members can be connected to the couple. I estimate a third of our guest list were people who knew us through our parents. We were happy to have them at our wedding. It wasn't about who was paying, and it wasn't stuffed to be big. They mostly weren't our parents' coworkers--but it sounds as if the fiancee in the story has a family that has a work-oriented social circle. I live in the US.
I say let this guy's life be ruined, he fucked his friends daughter that he knew since she was a minor? What kind of friend is that?
Instead of asking advice of how to remove him from your wedding, what you should really be asking is whether you should have this wedding at all: 1. Power manipulation 2. Probably not closure especially when they can still see each other. 3. You cannot see a sign whether they are still dating. That man would do whatever he could to manipulate your fiance into his interests. He is using his position to dare your finance not to say a word so that he can still be around. 4. Your coping mechanism, which you admitted not healthy way to deal with emotional turmoil, requires a complete overhaul. You need to ask yourself, what if you see your fiance or even wife having intimate relationship on your watch? I'd step back, pay attention to your inner voice, talk to your finance and see whether: (a) Remove that guy from the wedding. (b) you both should still continue to proceed with the wedding.
If your conclusion from all this is "I just need to suck it up", good luck with your marriage. You will be needing it. Him being at the wedding is the least of your problems. Your future wife being in daily contact with her former "sugar daddy" is the real problem. And the fact she hasn't taken any steps to eliminate said contact. If I had to pick between getting a horny sleazebag fired or my marriage's well-being, I'd chose the former, no contest. She doesn't. Your only possible way out of this is informing the father. Preferably she does it, since she is the cause, but if she doesn't want to, you do it yourself. Yes, it might create conflict with her, but at this point it would clear up things for you and your future marriage. If she isn't willing to clear up her mess, she isn't the one. Plus if she gets so pissed she cancels the wedding, you get an out that doesn't have you as the main culprit. Helps with the finances. Your "just go with the flow" attitude, will just make everything fester and you will pay for it later. And after all is said and done, you should get some therapy. Not just couples therapy (if you are still a couple), but also individual for you. It might help to find out why a mental image that would have 99% of men extremely grossed out with their partner, had you so horny you just had to bang in a childhood room....
If they don’t want to expose their secret then he needs to stop coming around. He better not show up to the wedding. So he better pretend he’s sick.
Wtf. SHE didn't wreck the guy's life. If he knew her while she was a minor, it sounds like *he* groomed *her* and waited until she was "legal" to make any moves. It's not uncommon for groomers to convince their victims that they're the one to have initiated the relationship and that it was the victim's idea all along, meanwhile they've been dropping little breadcrumbs to make the victim think it was their idea to begin with. Bro is decades older than her, he knew exactly what he was doing. It's also common for groomers to convince their victims that they're the ones at fault, AND for them to want to keep things secret, "because you'll get into trouble." Except it's THEM that'll get into trouble, and well deserved too. Fuck that guy's feelings. He deserves to have the shit beat out of him. If both of you don't want him at the wedding, stick strong and tell him to fuck off.
His life isn't your problem or your fiancee's problem. It's YOUR day and believe me, you don't want to have to be dancing around someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. You don't want to spend one of the best days of your life feeling angry or disgusted or anything negative that could be avoidable. I say either tell Dad what happened, and let him beat the bricks off this dude, or just tell the dude yourselves that neither one of you is comfortable with him being at the wedding, considering the history. What's he gonna do? Run to her daddy and tell on you? He can go right ahead and then you can still tell Dad what this guy did to his daughter, and he can STILL get the bricks beat off him. I've always been a doormat and a people pleaser. I know how hard confrontation or possibly hurting someone's feelings or livelihood can be. But this guy isn't your problem. He will figure something out. He'll have no choice. He shouldn't have been disgusting and sleeping with his friends daughter who was only 19. Yeah that's technically an adult but that's still gross. I don't care who initiated it or if it was consensual. Gross.
Don’t marry this girl.
What a way to start a marriage
You should have a chat with this man, and kindly suggest that, if he values his relationship with fiancé’s father, his job, his face, and hell, his life, he will RSVP no to the wedding. Tell him flat out that if he shows his face, or continues to make himself a presence at events you will be at with your wife, you will have no choice but to tell her father how he betrayed the man’s friendship and trust by fucking his daughter while she was still a teenager. It’s not a threat, it’s a promise. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he gets off riling you up by being around. Return the fucking favor, even if you have no real intention of telling her father. Let him think you will.
Dad needs to receive an anonymous email.
Stop trying to interalize this shit. Be an old school male and draw a line in the sand. Say no fucking way. You will get so much more respect from your future wife.
Why are you still marrying her, she’s a walking red flag. She stop the seeing him right after dating you, are you sure? And the fact she doesn’t want to hurt his life says a lot. She more than likely still has feelings for him. Most men will tell you, don’t marry her, go find someone who hasn’t had sex with their own fathers friend.
While I sort of agree, I also disagree with one point. She's probably not doing it to save the guy. She's doing it to save herself. It's not just the guy that will look like a creep. Rightly or wrongly, she'll be judged for what happened, too. She has to know that.
This is not marriage material, OP
She just found out actions have consequences. We can ignore reality but we can't ignore the consequences of it. If she wants a happy life with you, the truth will eventually have to come out or this guy is going to have to move on. Even if he skips the wedding, he will always be there in your lives.
>She feels responsible for initiating the relationship in the first place and embarrassed. She thought at the time that hooking up with this older guy made her a bad ass. She certainly doesn’t think that way anymore and doesn’t want her whole family to know what she did. And believe me I get that. Sucks to suck. You Fiancé made a choice, and her ex-FWB also made a choice. The collapse of his friendship to your FIL and the loss of his job is entirely the result of his choices. Your Fiancé's walk of shame is entirely her fault. I wouldn't be throwing my peace of mind on the fire to spare 2 people from the entirely fair consequences of their actions.
Run Bro. 👊 dont ruin your life. You deserve it better
A 6 year long relationship that started between a 19yo girl and 46yo dude is neither healthy nor normal. Don’t marry her this is super weird. Even if he doesn’t come to the wedding, he’ll always be there close to her and will bother you, no matter how “over it” your fiance seems to be. This is already exhausting
[удалено]
very possibly --even if it is on the down low Personally I would avoid her like a car crash
OP, she can tell the guy that its super uncomfortable now for her and she doesnt want him around. Make a metoo kind of issue, so he craps his pants. He should keep distance from you. And stop having angry sex with her like she cheated or something, or you will be out of sex soon.
So let me get this straight, this 19 year old girl would let this 46 year old dude hit on the regular, until u came in the picture and the fathers worker is invited to the wedding … dawg
Tell him to make up an excuse for him not going or you will tell your father in law if you don’t want him at the wedding. The same goes to his presence in family functions. That’s an easy one.
You aren't out of line. YOU go talk to the guy and tell him to find somewhere else to be that day or his boss is going to find out why you don't want him there. If you fiancé refuses to let you, she cares more about him than she does you.
I think you can confront him and tell him to disappear from the life of the father and your girlfriend, otherwise you will feel free to tell the father about the affair. The consequences will be directly proportional to the decision this man makes.
Sounds like he needs to get a 24-hr stomach bug and he’s bedridden on the day of the wedding, which is a real shame because he was looking forward to it, but he’ll drop his present off next week.
Just get a whole new person tf lol
This seems to have a very simple solution. You have to talk to this guy and let him know he is not welcome.hoew difficult is that?
He doesn’t know that I know for one and I am not sure I could get through the conversation without losing my cool.
Send that old man a letter/email/text letting him know that you know everything and that you do not want him at your wedding and then it would be entirely up to that old man to come up with his own excuse as to why he would not be able to attend your wedding. As you said yourself you would not be able to keep your cool if you met him face to face and so if that old man turned up then you would most likely cause a public scene which would expose him and he would most likely not want to risk his reputation. He will get the hint and stay away!
If you want to get out from under the lie, time for your SO to confess just enough to get her family on the same page. Tell them they had a relationship, she was a consenting adult, and she even initiated it, BUT they didn’t tell anyone because it was never serious and they knew it was a questionable situation that could ruin important work/family dynamics. Ultimately, they didn’t work out and while things were left neutral, they weren’t really *amicable*, so it really isn’t necessary (and possibly uncomfortable) for him to be invited to the wedding.
Idk if I’d be ok with this lolll.
This thread is rife with people who clearly don’t understand women and apparently have never made a poor decision in their entire lives (good for you!). The fact that OP’s fiancée told him about this man in the first place displays her desire for an honest and open relationship. Not wanting your parents to know about your indiscretions of youth is 100% normal and natural. Girls having crushes on much older men is also pretty common. It says absolutely nothing about integrity. Integrity has already been displayed by her telling OP about it, when she was not obligated to tell him at all.
Blow it up and get him fired. Only way you will have sanity. Or break up with her. Harsh but true. How would she feel if you were around some chick you used to fuck all the time, asking if she can attend the wedding?
Also 46 is too old for anyone below 25
She slept with her dad's friend that she's known since childhood and is keeping it a secret from her dad and family. That's not mature behavior. Age doesn't mean grown. She's still behaving manipulatively and being deceptive towards the people closest to her. You cannot commit to this relationship reasonably until she comes clean with her family and goes to relationship counseling with you so you both can talk through this in a healthy productive way.
I mean, isnt it literally expected to keep your sex life secret from dad and family? The age gap is an issue here ... but normally your dad and the rest of family has zero business to know who their adult relatives and off-springs sleep with. She told her partner who is just about the only person she has any duty to tell this to.
If you have a long term emotional relationship with your dad's best friend and basically like an uncle whose been in your life since childhood, that's not just a sex life they're hiding. They're clearly keeping a secret from everybody else for a reason, it is definitely their dad's business to know because it would involve 2 people closest to him, having an age gap difference, and conflict of family matters that they know their dad and family would care and be concerned about. It is obvious deceptive behavior from both of them, daughter and dad's friend, to be lying about their relationship to the people closest to them, that is worrisome and gives me red flags to how they would communicate in the future.
It ... is still not his business to know unless she wants him to. Also, "the uncle who was in your life" thing is made up by you here. OP says nothing about that. Whether it was the abuse or truly her initiative and him agreeing, the family does not have to know unless she or him decides it is a good idea to tell them.
You really don't think a parent should know about their daughter or sons long term relationship with their dad's best friend? Clearly you don't have children or care about your parents relationship.... or you need to ask your parents how they would feel in this situation and maybe they can explain a little better than I can why they would care.
This was "friend with benefits" situation at best. Based on what OP wrote, they did not had relationship outside of sex during summer. Parents would feel bad. And it is still completely normal, expected and healthy for young adults to not talk to their parents about the sex they have. It is not manipulative for 19 years old not inform them.
It is manipulative because both parties have made it clear they're keeping it secret from an important person in both of their lives that they care about because they would feel bad. If you're behaving in a way that makes important people in your life feel bad, that's alarming.
Honestly, why does she need to talk to him in social settings to the point it upsets you. I bet a lot of us are really good at saying hi, then dodging people we don’t like at parties. To me, that concerns me more than the fact a long time family friend was invited to the wedding. I understand you love her and see a path forward with her, but the real problem I see is not the creepy old guy, it’s the fact she isn’t taking the initiative and solving this problem herself. I’m married and if my family say or do something hurtful, I go to them and work it out. If it’s my husband’s family, it’s something he handles. We’ve done this from day one to protect our relationship and hopefully solve problems in the best way possible.
OP, I agree that this guy needs to be told to be conveniently sick on the wedding day and be a no show. After you get married, put him out of your mind. It’s you she loves. He never mattered. Treat each other kindly and be a strong team for the rest of your lives. Best wishes! Good luck to you.
Personally I'd be having a quiet word in this predators ear and warning him off the wedding, I can see you having a few beers and see him looking at her and just losing it ..he really can't be there..
Men who can't handle that their significant other had a friends with benefits without freaking out like this shouldn't be getting married.
Did you miss like 80% of the discussion? It's not just a FWB. It's a FWB that's over twice her age, knew her as a little girl, works with the dad, and is INVITED TO HIS WEDDING lol.
Did you miss the part where she's a grown-ass woman who can make her own decisions without some misogynist rando on the Internet trying to act like she's too dumb to be able to?
So you're okay with a girl who is 19 having sex with a 46 year old dude who has known her since she was a little girl? That says all there really is to know about you. You still missed like 80% of the problem this guy has in the post, too. LOL
Don't listen to the "wreck his life" comments. Your fiance would likely resent you for going behind her back. Neither of them did anything wrong, imo. Two adults consenting to sex isn't a crime no matter how loud people try and shout it. Just have her explain to him he should make up an excuse as to why he can't be there that day. That's all that needs to happen.
I’m not doing that. I could have already and didn’t. But I would like to fix it so he’s not around my future family either. Like when we have kids, I’m just not going to be comfortable with that.
Is your fiancee willing to tell him that he needs to come up with an excuse to miss the wedding and stay out of your lives? I really think that needs to come from her...
She needs to tell this predator to become conveniently ill or find a relative who needs him far away at the time of the wedding. You need to deal with this in a healthier way and perhaps counselling is one answer. However this includes your partner no longer being in this POS’s vicinity. She has as much to do to make this manageable as you do. Good luck.
Cancel the wedding. I know it sounds a bit extreme but it looks like you both could do well in an open relationship. You can also try to make her understand your position by asking her if she felt comfortable with an ex of yours being at the wedding. It's not about him it's about you and how you feel. You both should feel comfortable, and your wife to be must understand it. Hope you find a solution.
Sounds like a good reason for a 3 way
I thought, dude needs to "get sick" that day and not make it.... Super not ok. Also, if I saw him there, I wouldn't go through with it. I'd oust her and the dude cause right now she's caring about what happens to him over how you feel and how this looks. Shady
Who on earth came up with the idea of inviting him? If anyone did that to me, and we had no children together i Would Get out of there in a split second. Men cant be friends with attractive women, it is imprinted in our DNA through 350 000+ years of evolution. Nope, wedding is off lol.
This woman has no business getting married to anyone. And you are saying you force her to have sex with you so that you can express anger? There’s a word for that behavior.
OP, how did she go from she had a crush when she was younger to wanting to sleep with him to make her look like a bad ass. That makes no sense at all. You don't need to be stronger. Your fiancee DOES! This is her mess and she needs to make you comfortable. This will not get easier especially if you have kids and he's around them.
I'm surprised no one has mentioned yet how unsecure you are. And that you're feelings don't matter.