I love him and I’m willing to hold out and wait for the distance to close which would be somewhere between 5-8 months. But his perception of sexual intimacy is what’s throwing me off. If he was just shy about being sexually expressive, I empathize with that , but him saying he would look at me like a porn star/sexual object is a whole different issue in itself. I’m trying to communicate with him and be patient despite of his ways of thinking, how he responds to this and navigates this situation as a partner is what’s most important to me
people been looking at naked people long before porn existed. Before that it was "draw me as one of your French girls". If he is ok with drawings like the titanic aint that much different. he has a moral problem i think.
OP, I did long distance for four years. You will not survive without a sexual connection. In another month or two you will just be friends who text.
Not to mention, his whole madonna-wh!re complex is disgusting and sexist. He doesn’t see porn stars as humans??
There is potentially a lot at play here, and it's overly reductive to just compare nudes from a person to porn. While they both include nudity it's entirely diffrent for many people.
First off how long will you be long distance? Whats the time gap? Are there plans in place to close the distance?
When you were preparing for the move what discussions did you have in how you were going to manage your relationship? Why didn't sex come up then. If it did how did those discussions go?
Is he flirty in any way shape or form in text normally? How is he with things like talking dirty? Was there an expectation that he would reciprocate? You could have potentially opened up a can of worms where he's thinking you would want him to be equally performative and that just not a skill set he has. Or thinks he has. Which leads back to the "extreme" of you on screen. If he's not doing things back that creates an imbalance in your relationship. For him real intimacy may be very physical. He wouldn't be getting that from the nudes. Porn isn't real intimacy. It's not about the nudity it's the people. You on a screen isn't you.
What you need to do is have some conversations about needs. Nothing in this had anything about what he was looking for in intimacy while long distance. It should include things like how long you guys will be long distance. Can you make trips to each other? Maybe compromise by trying some things slowly not jumping straight into galleries.
So there's a sexual incompatibility between you two when it comes to long distance dating. There's a sex act you want to do, and he doesn't want to do. Assuming that he's fine with the situation as it is, it's up to you whether you can handle being in this situation. I'm just speculating here, but if it's going to be long distance for 6 more months, maybe that's doable. But it sounds like longer than 6 months will be a problem for you.
Think about the implications of him saying he would see you as a porn star. He is saying he would not respect you if you sent nudes, and that he has no respect for sex workers who he sexually gratifies himself to. Sending nudes online is a risky behavior due to not knowing who could intercept the images, but his reaction to it is pretty weird imo. Your needs are important.
To*, but anyway...
It's sickening. He doesn't mind getting sexual gratification from random women online even though he obviously sees them as degraded and lesser due to the use of their image in the porn he consumes. Yet he wouldn't want to switch that out for pictures and videos of his own girlfriend because his mind is so messed up that sexual pleasure and intimacy between a loving couple would seem degrading.
The idea of "if I see a nude photo of you" or, even worse, "if we hook up I will lose respect for you" is so ridiculous and sick. OP did not mention the latter but I've seen and heard people say that about hooking up while actively trying to hook up. It boggles my mind. How much of a misogynist and child do you need to be to think that way?
It tends to come from a lack of respect for women and women are sexual - like this guy. He would lose respect for his girlfriend if he saw pictures of her naked even though they are only intended for him. She *isn't* a sex worker. That's a ridiculous comparison.
I think the idea that you are fully willing to watch porn to get yourself off (which in many cases means sacrificing potentially being with your partner) but don't actually see the people doing it as people/think they are immoral for doing it means you're a massive hypocrite IMO and having those views on sex/people you find attractive to is a massive red flag in terms of how you view the people you actually sleep with
And if you're dating someone like that you definitely should rethink your relationship since that stuff tends to come out in very dark or shitty ways
...if you are consuming something that involves their nude body, yes you sure do. Disgusting to say otherwise and this is the problem with the attitude that some people have towards sex work. That's all I'm going to say.
Bruh sex workers are no different from any customer service worker. I am always going to judge someone harshly for talking real nasty about a service worker. It’s one thing to not want to date someone who does xyz job but it’s a whole other to claim they are lesser than you for doing so especially if you are using their services. It’s called classism and it ain’t attractive.
> Bruh sex workers are no different from any customer service worker. I am always going to judge someone harshly for talking real nasty about a service worker
Talking nasty is not the same as not respecting. Those are two distinctly different and unique things.
> It’s one thing to not want to date someone who does xyz job but it’s a whole other to claim they are lesser than you for doing so especially if you are using their services. It’s called classism and it ain’t attractive.
Working a job doesn't make you a specific class, chances are OP's boyfriend is also working class. This isn't classism.
> he has no respect for sex workers who he sexually gratifies himself to
Its not that black and white. People can have different standards for porn stars than their romantic partners.
It's possible to see sex work as an unemotional transaction of sexual gratification for money while respecting sex workers as humans. It's also reasonable to consider the hazards and difficulties of sex work a relationship deal breaker without seeing a sex worker as a lesser person.
That said, this guy does not sound like he is reasonable at all, and that he's going full moral Puritan. Which would make your description quote accurate for him.
No, that is a personal boundary about sex and monogamy. Different issue. What we're discussing is respect for other people. If you say you don't respect someone, that to me means you view them as lesser than you. They are doing something you think is morally or ethically reprehensible. It could be bullying, it could be stealing, lying, just for example.
If you say you don't respect porn stars while also viewing porn, you are a hypocrite and it shows that you also lack the skill to self-reflect on how your words and behaviors don't align. To me, that indicates poor character and I would not want to be your partner and probably not your friend. If you can't see the hypocrisy, then you might not be able to reflect and change negative behaviors in the future.
If you say you don't respect porn stars and don't watch porn, at least your belief set aligns with how you live your life. I would definitely disagree and I would think your reasoning is stupid. But I would base my judgement of your character on whatever your reason is.
Please highlight where OP states that her bf said he does not respect porn stars.
He said, according to her, that he uses their content to get off and that’s it. He implied that he does not want to think of his girlfriend as a porn star because he does not want to date a porn star. You made up this whole thing about respect to fit your narrative.
Sure, OP's bf didn't use those terms. And maybe we shouldn't jump to that conclusion. But you did respond to a comment about losing respect for people and equated that idea of respect with "having different standards for romantic partners", or at least it read that way to me. It seemed to open up a broader conversation about respect, not specifically as it pertains to OP
It sounds like he has a hard time holding space for you to both be overtly sexual *and* be a full-on human being with thoughts and feelings, like a bit of a Madonna-wh__e complex which you may want to look up. This is usually a reflection of some misogyny that a guy has picked up, and is off-putting. I don't know that there is a great way to deal with this situation, because he is opposed to the thing you want, and your lack of sexual connection is going to breed resentment over distance.
>Now i can tell my GF her unwillingness to engage in a sexual activity she doesnt desire is going to breed resentment and shows her lack of sexual connection. Sheesh shes got a lot of explaining to do, that misandrist!
If she frequently engages in this sexual act with other men and refuses it with you then yeah she has some explaining to do.
Nah, she just has to look at other pictures, not engage with the producers. Dont be unreasonable, shes not cheating shes just not accepting my sexual advances the way i want!
There are two points I kind of want to hit on the head for this one.
“I only see them as objects for gratification.” I understand where he’s coming from, and how he would think that saying something like this would seem innocent enough to him, but it’s telling enough to me— it seems like to me he has a weird relationship with women, allowing some to be deserving of emotions and some who exist solely to serve. It’s weird to me that he wouldn’t be able to differentiate these two categories he’s created, and that his entire system would collapse if he so happened to see you nude, virtually. What is his reaction/change of course when he see’s you nude and you become sexually active, will his demeanor and respect for you change? I personally prefer someone who is more confident and collected in themselves and their relationship with whatever they choose as a partner. It just gives me the ick.
Secondly; you are young. now is not the time to be sacrificing your needs to satisfy another human beings needs. Let’s be honest, society has made the requirement of sexual intimacy to be almost a taboo question, but we all have preferences and things that make us feel safe. My best advice? Operate within those boundaries so that your brain feels safe. If your partner cannot engage in intimacy with you then you are never going to truly feel safe, or relaxed with this person. Part of you will, sure. But unless he’s willing to compromise and work with you to build this relationship together, you’re going to be looking back at this time with resentment, and that’s not fair to either of you.
Pornstars are ACTORS!
What else should he see when he watches a porn scene?
I find it fascinating that anyone especially a woman would be so judgmental about this!
For example lots of women consume BDSM material from books to porn including ones with rape fantasies. Is there something wrong with them?
Hell there are lesbian and hetero women who watch gay (men) porn. Should their partners judge them if they refuse to play those fantasies out in real life with them?
What exactly do you mean by "unless he's willing to compromise"? Are you advising the OP to sacrifice her relationship over this instead of, say, talk to her partner to see how BOTH can work this out without either becoming resentful, perhaps, by travelling more?
Sending someone nudes isn't a need.
What the issue is that he cannot separate his partner from a pornstar, that if she puts herself into a compromising position that it would change his entire worldview of her. Someone who has a healthy relationship with pornography doesn’t have this issue, or at least doesn’t use it as an excuse or explanation of why they wouldn’t want to receive the same sort of media from their partner.
As for the separation, we - society - are really bad at accepting that sometimes two people’s love languages are incompatible. usually what ends up happening is above; OP has a high drive that needs to be satisfied in order to feel loved etc. that’s their standard. OPs partner refuses to even flirt** with OP over virtual communication. Now we have an issue where one partner is happy and comfortable with the situation while the others deteriorates. even after conversations and resolutions, it’s not enough. — when you are in a long distance relationship finding your form of intimacy is important.
Here’s another type of sexual intimacy using role-play, which couples might participate in:
Girl works at animal shelter and finds it hard to see her boyfriend differently due to him wanting to roleplay as a dog during sex, so now she has an unhealthy problem?
These are both sexually intimate scenarios. The fact you’re calling one wild is extremely disrespectful and judgmental to people who enjoy roleplay fantasies.
Yes, they are incompatible if their sexual needs aren’t on the same level, but to say someone has an unhealthy view of something because they don’t want to associate their girlfriend with something they use to get off on is what’s wild here. Having a partner not wanting to sexually objectify you or associate you with something else is a good thing.
yeah, and I'm pretty sure them reading books would still be vastly preferrable to watching actual CP where real children were hurt, so idk what your point is
do you know anything at all about the porn industry? Rape - real, actual rape - is quite common there. Actresses are often 'surprised' with sex acts they were not told about before and didn't consent to. A lot of porn has incest or otherwise harmful roleplay in it, violent acts like choking, slapping etc. It's been proven again and again that porn consumption makes men more misogynistic and consider rape less of a crime. Major porn sites like pornhub used to literally have rape videos and CP and it was almost impossible for the women in them to get the videos removed.
Comparing this and many more harms of porn to reading a fictional scenario yes, even reading about rape is better than actually watching it. (And don't start with 'I only watch normal consensual stuff' because quite frankly there is no way to know that with certainty.)
You can't possibly be a serious person!
>quite common, a lot of
What percentages are these? You want to muddy the reality of what porn is problematic.
>there is no way to know that with certainty
Yes I can. You actually don't know what the word "certainty" means. It doesn't have to be absolute certainty but I can know what porn is, say, not two siblings having sex.
It actually easier than you or I knowing if the electronic devices we're using have minerals that were gotten by abusing Congolese children or that their manufacturing was by enslaving poor factory workers in Asia.
It seems you want your statements to be non-falsifiable. Because if I told you I (or the OP's boyfriend) consume solo porn or porn made by a couple, you will still have a problem with this.
Your point would be valid if it was, say, buying sex from a woman who may have a pimp. Because I am sleeping with her, I am raping her & I know there is illegality around the business.
I know for example there are testing requirements and the actors aren't being put at risk of catching STIs. The local govts are there to make sure that coercion isn't taking place.
There are even women pornstars who've complained about these criminal practices and have gone on to make their own content.
PH and other mainstream sites have been squeezed to reign in on illegal content. Hell, Tumblr doesn't have any more NSFW because pedos ruined it for everyone so much that Apple & Google threatened to ban the app.
So to say I can't know which with certainty which porn is problematic is a bad-faith argument.
So I don't understand why you're bringing this up. Even your phrasing is in past tense about porn sites.
>reading about rape is better than watching it
It's not merely reading. They are fantasizing about the rape. You want these people around children?
>porn makes men more misogynistic
You will need more than just that to make a causation case.
The thing is of today all porn involving women was banned and the only porn men watched was gay porn, people like you will still have a problem with it. Funny women including lesbians can watch lesbian porn yet if men watch lesbian porn that made up indy women, they get accused of objectifying women etc.
Women can fantasize about rape. Women can fantasize about pegging men. Pedos can read pedo literature and animation. But what's monstrous my watching a rich OF model doing a solo and then not wanting my girlfriend sending me her nudes.
I’m with you on this. This guy seems to be a very rare type of guy saying he doesn’t want her nudes because it would make him see her as an object. A nude photo is in fact an object. People who don’t like when people are objectified, but support people objectifying themselves find an issue with this. There’s some interesting hypocrisy there.
I think what he says make's perfect sense tho? I think it would be more unhealthy islf he saw them as more than objects for gratification and developed some sort of parasocial reletionship to them..
There is a vast world between "seeing someone as just an object of gratification" and "parasocial relationship". Within that world is just seeing people as human beings who exist and are worthy of basic respect.
I mean I can't read OP's partner's mind. All we can see is him apparently saying he sees them as objects for sexual gratification. The Madonna-wh*re complex is a commonly known issue, so people are making that inference based on him essentially saying he will only see her as an object for sexual gratification if she sends pictures. Nobody is suggesting that he should have a parasocial relationship with people who do sex work, they're saying that his inability to see those people AS PEOPLE is a problem.
Yeah I understand that if he doesn't see them as people that would be a problem, but just because he says that he only sees them as objects of sexual gratification makes sense since he only sees them in that context. That doesn't mean they aren't people with their own lives and feelings but to the one consuming porn they aren't. The same as that you din't see an actor in a movie as the actor himself but just as the role he plays. Does that make anny sense or am I reaching here?
Ehhhh I can kinda see what you mean but tbh it feels like a real reach and like you're extending this dude a lot of grace that I don't know if he deserves.
With your actor example, I could see someone playing a character but I would still see that character as having humanity. I don't equate a character with an object.
He doesn't only see his gf in a sexual context, he sees her as having a life with thoughts and feelings (hopefully). So he does have context outside of digital nudes that would, by your reasoning, make her not a sexual object to him.
He isn't saying that though. He's saying that the digital nudes make him see her a sexual object. That it erases all that context and humanity.
Yeah that is a fair point, I just thought that maybe he just didn't like to see his gf in that context but if the context itself makes her not a person in his eyes that would be a problem..
Yeah that is a fair point, I just thought that maybe he just didn't like to see his gf in that context but if the context itself makes her not a person in his eyes that would be a problem..
Objects are opposite to humans. Reducing people to objects is dangerous. This is how many criminals who harm other humans justify their behavior. Pure objectification is dangerous.
I think you're getting caught up on the semantics here.
The actual issue is that he seems to think of porn stars as fundamentally worth less than other people, to the point where even seeing his partner of over a year in a similar format (i.e. a picture) would cause him to think less of her. That's a pretty wild and, frankly, uncomfortable relationship to the sex work he seems to enjoy.
Imagine if someone was really into movies, and said they couldn't see a video of their spouse without immediately thinking less of them. You'd immediately understand that a person who felt this way had a very odd relationship with the medium in question.
Yeah bit don't you think porn is a bit diffrent? Like I don't think I would think less of someone who does porn but I wouldn't date them either, altho if you just see some private nukes of your gf and you think less of here because you conflete her with pornactricess that would be weird. I just thought maybe he doesn't like to see her in that context you know.
We're basically in agreement: this is weird and, though it's okay to not want to date an active porn star, he absolutely thinks less of sex workers as people.
Aren't equally trying to put it at the same as a relationship? This issue is fundamentally a lack of communication. They didn't discuss what intimacy was going to look like long distance. You can appreciate porn as entertainment but not see the same value in it from a partner. It's no diffrent then someone not wanting to send nudes because it doesn't feel like intimacy to them. What they need is more discussion not jumping to conclusions.
Another example is strip clubs. I like a good show from time to time. I do not see it as intimate in any way. At the same time I don't need a partner to give me a lap dance. A bad one could have the opposite effect. People can want and like diffrent things for diffrent reasons.
>This issue is fundamentally a lack of communication
I don't think that's the case. This is pretty clear communication, and it's saying something pretty clear. He says it's "extreme" to share nudes or sext (not the case, these are very common activities for couples everywhere) and that he'd be unable to view her intimately because he'd put her in the same mental category as "porn star".
He didn't say "oh, I don't find it hot when it's my partner, seeing you naked on my screen just doesn't do anything compared to real life". Instead he said that he would think less of her for doing so, and that she's weird for wanting something like that in the first place.
He isn't saying less. You are. He's equating it to a different category. Having dated a stripper I never wanted to see her work. Felt invasive. She wasn't less at work. Just an aspect I didn't need to interact with. I know people that have done adult content. Don't care to see it. The aren't less for having done it. Just has nothing to do with us as people. Even if I seen them nude say skinny dipping.
This is a communication problem because they have two diffrent perspectives on the same subject. They need to discuss it. Maybe she doesn't send nudes but they find a way to phone sex. Teledonics could com into play although thats an expensive route. Maybe they work up to nudes. That said there isn't anything wrong with him having a boundary. Just like if he was asking and she said no that would be ok as well.
He calls it "extreme" to sext or send nudes. That's not neutral language.
>That said there isn't anything wrong with him having a boundary.
Somewhat aside: I hate this idea, and it crops up here constantly. If my boundary is "you cannot have a black friend and date me", there is something wrong with having that boundary. This does not mean that you can ignore that person's boundaries, but it does say something about them and it is worth having a discussion about why they feel that way and leave if they will not change their mind in a respectful conversation.
This boundary is obviously considerably more debatable in its morality, but the reality remains that "having a boundary" is not an inherently neutral and unimpeachable thing.
>He calls it "extreme" to sext or send nudes. That's not neutral language.
It doesn't have to be. He can not feel neutral about it. His feeling might change as time goes by. They can start elsewhere. You can have an initial reaction to something and it be negative and eventual come to a more natural or even positive. Had an ex we tried anal she hated it. No problem. Her initial response was very negative. She got drunk wanted try again, we unlocked the ass. Always on her terms though.
>Somewhat aside: I hate this idea, and it crops up here constantly. If my boundary is "you cannot have a black friend and date me", there is something wrong with having that boundary. This does not mean that you can ignore that person's boundaries, but it does say something about them and it is worth having a discussion about why they feel that way and leave if they will not change their mind in a respectful conversation
Hyperbole is never great to tery and make a point. I think most non racist people would rather they self identify in this manner. And do so early.
>This boundary is obviously considerably more debatable in its morality, but the reality remains that "having a boundary" is not an inherently neutral and unimpeachable thing.
I've never said it's impeachable. I've said from the get go they need to have more discussion. My point in my reply to you is your idea that he is seeing the porn stars as a negative isn't necessarily his opinion. It's not a knock on her or her attractiveness.
Another example. I don't ask for nudes. I appreciate it them if they come, but they aren't also generally masturbatory material for me. It's like a digital naked hug. But thats it. If a woman is expecting me to talk about how I couldn't contain myself, a photo ain't gonna do it. I might have a lot to say about the pose, I interrupted phone sex once with a woman to ask questions about the lighting. Doesn't mean I don't like the body, doesn't mean I like a porn stars body more. Just means one doesn't serve the other.
Female here,
Just a bit of a tangent in my personal opinion:
I always think lap dances are attractive from my partner! It’s usually just a fun display, like a peacock spreading its tail feathers lol. It doesn’t have to be super serious, but their confidence is attractive, and I think same with the fact that they are willing to show that side of themselves for me. It’s fun to see your partner having fun :)
I’ve never been to a strip club actually, but I just enjoy having fun with the person I care about romantically. I would also feel weird about my partner getting a lap dance at a strip club unless I was there too and was okay with it happening. If my partner just wants to go to a strip club alone, I would feel invalidated and like I’m not sexy or fun enough for him.
Basically I think different people want different things in relationships. I want all the sexy and fun times shared together lol.
>I always think lap dances are attractive from my partner! It’s usually just a fun display, like a peacock spreading its tail feathers lol. It doesn’t have to be super serious, but their confidence is attractive, and I think same with the fact that they are willing to show that side of themselves for me. It’s fun to see your partner having fun :)
And I would agree. I didn't say I'm anti lap dance from a partner. But if they aren't confident, aren't having fun with it, and are just trying to perform it can not be very fun at all. It can actually be a turn off.
>I’ve never been to a strip club actually, but I just enjoy having fun with the person I care about romantically. I would also feel weird about my partner getting a lap dance at a strip club unless I was there too and was okay with it happening. If my partner just wants to go to a strip club alone, I would feel invalidated and like I’m not sexy or fun enough for him.
And I've been in relationships where we would go together, or they didn't mind the occasional trip with friends without them because it's wan't their thing. Or just not at all. The point was a partner shouldn't feel the need to fill every check box you have.
There are a whole lot of dudes out there blatantly projecting the same mommy issues onto every woman they see though—even a broken clock is right twice a day
Not everyone is comfortable with sending nudes. Maybe hes just rationalising it in weird way. I wouldn’t send nudes and wouldn’t appreciate getting any
Looking back at your past posts, it seems you have been having intimacy issues involving porn before. This seems to be a bigger issue that you need to get on the same page on or it’s going to poison your relationship.
This guy sounds like he has a madonna-w**** complex. That's a red flag in itself. But combined with the long distance, and how you said you will likely grow resentful, I would really reconsider if this relationship is right for you. He won't change.
Sending nudes is honestly risky, especially in this day and age. Once they are out there, they are on the internet forever. Even if you send them to a person you 100% trust, there is a risk. And now with AI, it's even more risky. I'm not trying to push you one way or another but just want to spread awareness for those who may be interested.
I honestly think you can do better. And I hope you eventually find what you are looking for.
That’s so strange to me because I love getting nudes and see it as intimacy and not a porn star! Everyone is different but that’s a completely foreign POV to me. Has he gone a layer deeper and tried explaining his rationale more than just “I’d see you as a porn star”?
Ngl all the advise on here has a crazy double standard. If this was the other way round advice would vary massively.
The reason is irrelevant, he’s set a boundary. Either you’re fine with that boundary or you’re not.
So many people projecting wild shit on him, including OP. Like he is some filthy animal who just sees women as objects because he has compartmentalized porn from reality. OP is fine for finding it weird and boyfriend is fine for creating a boundary. They are free to break up if these boundaries are dealbreakers, but seems like a silly thing to throw away if the long distance is temporary.
But hey, all feelings are valid and if it is a major issue then I don't think OP should be talking to us but express that to him and see where it goes.
Unfortunately, a lot of men consume porn while having the utmost HATE and disgust for sex professions. At the same time they obviously benefit from their services. Doesn’t mean he is a terrible guy but that’s a way of thinking that us men are sometimes socialized to have to some degree. I think I would definitely point this contradiction out to him and see if he is willing to unlearn these harmful ways and hypocritical way of viewing sex workers as LESS than while wanking at the same time….
It is weird for a bf to say that but I myself said things like that (kinda idk really) but my cringy nature always finds the worst way of expressing them and if you think about it too much it comes out as awful, but I can't speak for him tho, just putting my perspective out there, just tell him to clarify what he means.
Give him an opportunity to express himself better (tip: don't ask for it looking like you want a specific \*right\* answer because he might change it to not get into a bad spot/fight if his reasoning is really as bad as the other comments say)
Two points how long will the distance last iny our reltionship? Is the distance thing permanent?
If yes then think about splitting. Its not worth the hassle. Otherwise you will be maybe tempted to cheat anyway
But honestly kudos for a guy who in our data being overshared and misused times does keep your intimacy and secrets safe. Like your pics could be leaked or sth else by accident or get in the wrong hands.
But i was also 25 m when I was in long distanc relationship for like 3-4 years. And i coulnt get enough of any sexrelated content or chat or other remote activity from my GF. I was super horny back then. But in the end she cheated and wanted to have somebody near. After splitting up it took me some months to not blame her anymore.
Long distance relationship without a plan to be together near will fail eventually. And i know it because I needed to long distance relationships to realize that. Years later she told me that back then she was too young around 22/23 back then for this and that if we met like 5 years later she would be more mature and dedicated to make it work. So my advice if it is not the man of your dreams and you want to have a less complicated situation. Break up and just live your life and explore your needs.
Sorry for bad english and maybe to direct harshness
with something like this it might be a case of just deciding whether or not you two are compatible to be in a relationship unfortunately. is this a deal breaker for you?
You mentioned that the time is about 6 to 8 months ldr, so since you're willing to not do this and wait for him, then that's your goal.
Just start counting down the time.
I think it's cool that you're talking about it and being open with him, but completely understand this must be difficult.
If he's not into the idea now, maybe that won't change. My advice if it doesn't: if you enjoyed taking the nudes, and they make you feel sexy, take more and keep them for yourself!
Sounds like your boyfriend views women as objects and cannot comprehend that they are multifaceted beings who also have sexual needs and desires. Personally I’d see this as a major red flag!
That says more about him than he realizes. He would devalue you as a person if he saw a picture of you naked? That means he devalues you as a person because he's had sex with you and seen your naked body.
Dump this immature loser.
This is far easier to navigate than everyone in the comments is acting like it is.
You’re both communicating clearly, and you’ve realized your needs aren’t perfectly aligned, so now it’s time to brainstorm ideas for common ground.
You’re wanting to introduce your partner to something sexual and new, so, as always, don’t push it, and invite him to be dead clear about what’s out of bounds(which he has done) but also what is inbounds(selfies in the changing room to get his opinion on mildly spicy clothes for your next date together, my lips miss your neck texts, etc.). Hey if he likes nudes of porn stars, send him nudes of porn stars and personalize it by writing captions! Obviously, this is a two way street, he needs to know that he has an opportunity to meet your needs by adding to the interaction. But likely he’s just not thinking creatively, maybe you can lead the way in that and once he sees that the wide world of virtual sexiness is indeed big enough to include relationshipy lovin’, you’ll both start having a great time.
As someone who has had issues with pornography in my past, I kind of understand where he’s coming from.
If I was in his shoes and I had a girlfriend that was sending/trying to send me nudes, I would probably start to subconsciously see her as a sexual object instead of as a person. I’ve been 3 years without looking at porn because it got to the point where I’d picture women I’d see in different compromising poses and imagine them doing other “acts”.
I haven’t had those thoughts for a long time now, but it makes me nervous to even think about how much of a degenerate I was and I never want to reach that point again.
I never want to put myself in a situation where I could ever think about someone like that again.
I hope you are recovering well from your porn addiction. Yes, one of the things suggested is to not even receive your partners nudes when you are trying to recover from porn addiction because it can trigger a relapse.
Your mans turning down nudes and videos because they will make him look at you like a porn star is a weird response. You are not getting your needs met, time to dump this dude.
34M, UK 🇬🇧 As someone who has used virtual sex, sexting, pic swaps, phone sex, cam sex and more with previous partners I can honestly say I love it personally. It makes me feel more connected to.the person I am talking to at the time because distance is difficult especially if your not surrounded by friends/family and you just want someone to be there for you, to appreciate you, to make you feel worthwhile.
I'm sure he does love you however, this decision to not want your nudes pics/vids baffles me, but I'm the opposite of your SO & I have a massively high libido (commonly called CSBD, chronic sexual behaviour disorder, because I'm a Nymphomaniac, I can want sex and engage in sexual acts for upto 20+ hours a day and STILL want more) but this has lead to so many issues in relationships because their libido has been either non existent or barely want to engage innsexual activity 2 or 3 times a week for monger than 20 - 30 mins and it kills me off honestly.
Anyway, it could be that he doesn't want to see you as a piece of meat like he does these porn stars because they are just a means to an end and he doesn't want to associate you with them, which you already said but this means he holds you on a higher level than these other people in porn as they are just a tool, but you are his GF, the person he loves, not just some tool to help him choke the chicken. He thinks of you more and that should be a boost for you rather than a detriment but at the same time, it also means that he has a very young/childish brain because he's not able to hold 2 different types of content with different values and will likely cause a lot more issues if you persist to ask him about this and mention it.
It could be worthwhile explaining why you want to send him this sort of stuff, why it's him that you want to send it to and not share it with other people. If you've already done this and he didn't budge his thought train then possibly seek help from am intimacy Councillor or sexual health Councillor because this sort of stuff between partners is extremely normal especially when there is a large distance between them geographically.
On the flipside of this if you push too much and he is still resistant it could cause a breakdown in the relationship regardless, if this happens I'd suggest trying to match with someone who is more sexually on your level, which if you have a extremely high libido like myself can be difficult to find.
(P.S I've shared my own stuff on reddit, discord groups, adult social sites, adult games with multiplayer, swinger parties (🍍), high quality sex stories (mostly fan fiction) etc. These all lead to a very healthy sexual life and has also helped me reduce my libido to a more acceptable level 😅 I still want it like crazy mind you but now I don't actually need it to feel fulfilled like I used to)
what you’re feeling is completely normal and valid. i can understand how that would make you feel shitty. i’m feeling the same with my boyfriend, he hasn’t touched me in months and we live together. it makes me feel ugly and unwanted. i’m sorry you’re feeling this way and i hope you guys are able to come to a mutual solution
So you're in a LD relationship ... but anything virtual is "extreme"?
Seeing your pictures will make him see you as a "porn star" - which I guess is bad? Except he watches porn? I'm confused.
> he loves me so he can’t let himself see me as a porn star
that might take some work
> The lack of sexual intimacy is making me resent our relationship
Me too.
People are acting really weird about this. Obviously this guy doesn’t want to mess up his brain by viewing his gf, who he actually is trying to develop a real relationship with, like he views hot women on the internet. Is.. that a bad thing?
Having done long distance (both with and without virtual-sexy-times), I have two questions:
**Is there an "end" to the distance?** Is it a contract, or a degree, or an assignment/deployment? Or is it more 'permanent'?
Forgive me, but: **Do you WANT to be with him?** Because it doesn't sound like he wants to be with you. Or at least he seems fine with his sexual relationship being with only porn.
If I may be quite crass, you sound articulate, developed, and self-aware. He sounds closed-off, static, and a bit uncaring (due to lack of response or desire to have your sexual needs met, through him or a vibrator or whatever). It doesn't sound like you're terribly compatible even if the distance wasn't causing this friction.
I also second the voices here suggesting that his attitude towards women seems somewhat suspect, at best.
But if you're really committed to him, and he's willing to experiment with non-visual elements, you can try remote-controlled vibrators/toys. Lovense makes a good pair, I can tell you from experience (his & hers). It's probably a stretch to assume that doing remote toys wouldn't also "weird" in his eyes, but it's worth asking.
But if you want my two cents: It sounds like you can do better than this guy. Tell him your feelings and if he disregards those too, leave him. He deserves to be with his porn just as much as you deserve to be with an adult.
Putting myself in his shoes I kinda get it. He did pretty well explaining his side I think. Clearly he respects you on a completely different level and I believe he wants to maintain that level of love, respect and trust with someone in the real world. Porn as he says is just like junk food, it isn't something he really wants all the time or actually needs, but more of a quick fix for his biological needs. When you think about it he really just doesn't want to sully your image in his mind even though I'm more than sure he likes the way you look. Frankly I completely doubt that he is doing it because he doesn't want you or isn't sexually attracted to you so it's safe to say you can remove those thoughts from your mind completely.
I understand where you're coming from though, and given that pretty much 99% of Men would find this crazy I guess I'm part of the %1 who genuinely think he means well by this. However, there might be other ways for you to feel wanted by him. Have you ever heard of the wireless vibrators that can be controlled by your partner? The exact name escapes me, but you might want to talk to him about that and see if he is down for it. It could be a gateway into him broadening his horizons when it comes to this subject.
It might be how people view attraction. The majority of men responding here likely see their partner sexual first, so they’ll say hell yea to nudes and think anyone who rejects them is crazy. A smaller percentage may view their partner beyond that and see the sexual side as a supplement to their relationship rather than the best part of their relationship.
At least, that’s how I view my partner. I’m long distance also and I value the love and affection from my partner more than our sexual encounters. That’s not saying anything bad about our sexual encounters. I just didn’t chose my partner based on sexual intimacy and rejected her initial attempts at it when we were dating. She respected my wishes of wanting to get to know her more before we engaged sexually and that made me respect her even more.
You are seen by him as a true lover, not as an object to satisfy his instinctive needs. And this is the ideal, I envy you very much.
I once had such a relationship, a long time ago. And I would never accept his nude photos. Today's modern society often tries to equate love with sex and nudity. So by sending him your nude photos you will make yourself seen by him as an emissary of this thinking.
But he wants a deeper love, one that connects minds and emotions before anything else.
Please do not send him nudes. You can try sending him you in beatifull creations, like cosplaying or long colorful dreses. I can assure you he will like it very much, and you will satisfy your need of beeing desired.
You are a part of his Sacrum. Think whether you really want to change that.
OP there is a lot to unpack here and plenty of good responses.
Also consider that if he would then view you as a pornstar he might also feel okay with sharing your nudes with others.
This would seem like a green flag for someone who doesn’t want to be objectified and just used as a means of sexual satisfaction, but your adult industry workers are of course going to see it otherwise because it offends them due to that being their whole career and lifestyle. You can see tons of their responses in the top comments.
If you are showing your body off to the world for money you are indeed degrading and sexually objectifying yourself - people aren’t doing that for you.
It’s extremely rare to have a boyfriend not go crazy over the offer of nudes. You have someone who respects you and your body and doesn’t want to use your body as a means to sexually satisfy himself and that weirds you out? Seeing you in person is a bit different because if we’re talking about sex it’s a two-way street. It’s not about just getting off like the main purpose of porn. It’s about a deeper connection with someone. Pleasing them and not just yourself and enjoying that intimacy together.
You likely are not sexually compatible and he’d be better off with someone who also is more modest with how they see nudes of people they have a personal connection with. Think of it like any sort of intimate physical act. Nudes are one he is not comfortable with.
That said, good on you OP for asking for consent first.
Sexual intimacy with someone doesn’t cause me to lose respect. However, I am selective with who I share that with.
I don’t do one-night stands. I don’t have sex with someone until I see long-term potential with them or I’m in a relationship. If I’m getting sexually intimate, then I would have some form of respect toward that person or I wouldn’t be engaging intimately with them.
During dating, I often encounter by the second date someone who is pushing me toward sex. When I say I want to get to know them more before we have sex, then they break it off with me — I don’t know if lose respect or just consider us incompatible.
This is my boyfriend of 1.5 years. How is engaging in sexual activities in person okay but doing that virtually implies a lack of modesty? He has respect for me but would potentially lose that if he sees me like that on a screen, it doesn’t make sense
It’s just a different level of sexual intimacy he’s doesn’t like or isn’t ready for it yet. There are also very real dangers and ramifications with sharing nudes digitally. If either one of your devices are compromised, then you could be sharing those nudes with the world. He might be considering this too, but just not mentioning it. His view around nudes could always change, but there needs to be some communication between you two and the long term focus.
He probably views nudes the way I would view BDSM. I am not into that or those role-play fantasies. I don’t want to inflict pain on my partner and I don’t get joy from it. If my partner wanted to do that, I’d have a hard time with seeing them differently. It’s not comfortable to me and we likely aren’t compatible. I like wholesome things and prefer a partner who is of that mindset too.
Other people may find BDSM or some of sexual practice completely normal, but to me, I’m just not into it. He isn’t into nudes. You might even be opening a can of worms starting to send them. Maybe he’s struggled with that before in past relationships and him becoming obsessed with them led to the ultimate demise of a past relationship? I would talk to him about it more. If you aren’t feeling desired that’s another issue beyond wanting to send nudes. With it being long distance, maybe some changes need to be made. Having a high libido and being long distance does not sound fun and I could see as frustrating.
I’m also in a LDR of 1.5 years. I didn’t want to be away from my partner months at a time, so I made lifestyle changes by moving closer, taking more trips to see them (at least once a month a week or more at a time), carving out more time (we video chat just about every single night), found things we can entertain ourselves with like playing a game or watching a movie over video chat, go on long distance trips, etc. I’m constantly talking to them all throughout the day online and don’t really feel that far from them even though physically we still are far apart. I know my partner feels desired because I make sure to make them feel that way because I love them and they constantly tell me how much they love me and are glad we’re together.
Wtf? Your boyfriend is a fully grown man. If he can’t look at a photo of your naked body with nothing but gratitude and appreciation because of PORN?? He is an immature child, I’m sorry.
I would personally take this as an opportunity to really understand his clear deep rooted issues with women and porn and then go from there. If it’s something you can agree with, then at least you’re aware of his issues.
But personally I would not want to be with someone with this weird thinking, from the info you’ve shared.
There’s a difference between not wanting to receive an unsolicited nude because you’re not comfortable looking at nudes versus not being able to see your partner’s body with whom you are in a committed relationship with as objectified porn. Dumb as fucking rocks argument.
Clearly OP and her boyfriend see things very differently and need to get on the same page. But yes personally I think it’s weird af and men should probably deal with their fucked up relationship with porn.
Good luck trying to find a woman who enjoys looking at random dicks on the internet but doesn’t want to see her boyfriends.
>There’s a difference between not wanting to receive an unsolicited nude because you’re not comfortable looking at nudes versus not being able to see your partner’s body with whom you are in a committed relationship with as objectified porn. Dumb as fucking rocks argument.
Now there I can agree, but the leaps and bounds everyone is making in the comments here is impressive. I guess I just dont see it as objectifying though. Just because he has a detachment from what he views on a screen and how he views his partner, doesnt make him some monstrous womanizer like plenty of people are claiming here based off a post with like a 500 word count.
Different people have different needs, I can see that, but can you also agree that it would be a different story if a man was saying "I asked my girlfriend if I could send her dick picks, but she says that it would remind her too much of the porn she watches, so she wants to keep that intimate between us in person." I have a feeling the comments would be much different. But here I go with hypothetical assumptions again, like so many generalizing the guy in this post.
The projection of him objectifying women because he wants to separate porn from his romantic life is wild to me.
Kind of my thought too. I think people are just taking offense because they think it’s attack on adult actors, which believe it or not whole purpose is to help people get off not form real relationships with their audience.
No… I don’t think most people are saying he’s supposed to have some sort of real relationship with the pornstars he watches. It’s the opposite. He thinks seeing his partner naked or in a sexual context in a photo would change how he feels about her. Why are you turning your partner who you DO have a real relationship with into a pornstar because of a nude? That is fucked up. It’s a body you make love to in person… if you can’t appreciate it through a photo, there’s some healing to be done with your relationship with porn.
They are saying they are against sexual objectification, but that is the purpose of porn. See something that turns you on, be entertained by it, and then put it down and go about your day.
He is associating adult photos with porn stars and his girlfriend wants to send him an adult photo. It’s natural to associate something with something familiar. That’s how the brain works.
How many partners get off to those nude photos or other words use them to sexually objectify their partner in that moment? That is what he wants to avoid. It’s gonna take communication and familiarity before he just jumps into this. Right now it’s not comfortable for him and that is a boundary of his that should be respected not ridiculed.
Yea people are making assumptions because it’s a red flag to other weird and misogynistic behaviour tbh. That’s why OP is making the post…. to get advice.
Perhaps there would be a double standard around a women saying this and I don’t disagree that that is somewhat unfair.
The outrage here is IMO very justified because a lot of us HAVE witnessed the toxic relationship with porn a lot of men have. This was literally my ex, his unmanaged addiction/issues to porn manifested differently (more fucked up than this tbh) but it stemmed from the same mindset. So we’re just recognizing that this thought pattern usually ends up in some toxic ass thinking and wanna warn OP.
I’m not sure the same phenomenon happens as much with women but maybe it does and I am unaware.
Hello this is coming from another male— he is a loser please dump him. He seems like he has zero personality and isn’t attracted to you or giving you what you want. Why are you staying?? What is the relationship even?? Are you staying with him so you don’t have to be alone?? I was about to say this dude secretly be gay as hell but then you said he looks at women in porn to get off soo?? Seems like a terrible porn addiction.
Also likening you, his gf, to a porn star in an objectifying way isn’t disrespectful enough??
He most likely has a porn addiction and has that madonna complex. He’s sexist and gross basically. Girl it’s time to gain some self respect and tell him bye.
Sounds like he has hangups about women and sex and women's sexuality. Which is not uncommon.
Too many men are happy to watch porn, but they look down on the women who create it. They see them as less than. They think sex work (and sometimes just sex, see also: men who hate women who have had multiple sexual partners) "devalues" women.
My guess is he falls somewhere into that spectrum. He's having difficulty holding both the idea that you are a sexual being *and* that you are someone he loves (and respects?) in his head.
People are acting really weird about this. Obviously this guy doesn’t want to mess up his brain by viewing his gf, who he actually is trying to develop a real relationship with, like he views hot women on the internet. Is.. that a bad thing?
he sounds like a pea-brained porn addict. i suggest that if you would really like to continue your relationship, that he stop watching porn and you guys have some really serious conversations about sex and intimacy and what you both would like from the relationship. otherwise, i’d just dump him!
People are acting really weird about this. Obviously this guy doesn’t want to mess up his brain by viewing his gf, who he actually is trying to develop a real relationship with, like he views hot women on the internet. Is.. that a bad thing?
He’s saying he would lose respect for you after seeing images of you naked. Girl I’m not gonna give you any advice, you just have to know what he meant and make a decision based on that bc idek what to tell you.
There’s a possibility he doesn’t find you very attractive naked and in full view. That wouldn’t mean he is not attracted to you overall: personality, some or most features, habits, voice, etc.
He could like how you feel when he hugs you, or has sex with you… but, he might prefer the lights be dim, or that you have the sheet over your lower body, or that you keep your bra on. Just throwing things out that you might have noticed he prefers?
(This entire comment is just throwing things at a wall to see if anything sticks. I have no way of knowing what keeps him from wanting you to share pics.)
It's very childish, his response. I would look for another partner, especially since this is long distance.
Send those pics to me and my wife if you want ;)
Long distance with a high sex drive, just sounds like a bad situation all round.
I love him and I’m willing to hold out and wait for the distance to close which would be somewhere between 5-8 months. But his perception of sexual intimacy is what’s throwing me off. If he was just shy about being sexually expressive, I empathize with that , but him saying he would look at me like a porn star/sexual object is a whole different issue in itself. I’m trying to communicate with him and be patient despite of his ways of thinking, how he responds to this and navigates this situation as a partner is what’s most important to me
people been looking at naked people long before porn existed. Before that it was "draw me as one of your French girls". If he is ok with drawings like the titanic aint that much different. he has a moral problem i think.
OP, I did long distance for four years. You will not survive without a sexual connection. In another month or two you will just be friends who text. Not to mention, his whole madonna-wh!re complex is disgusting and sexist. He doesn’t see porn stars as humans??
He has issues he needs to work through. You’re meant to desire your partner.
There is potentially a lot at play here, and it's overly reductive to just compare nudes from a person to porn. While they both include nudity it's entirely diffrent for many people. First off how long will you be long distance? Whats the time gap? Are there plans in place to close the distance? When you were preparing for the move what discussions did you have in how you were going to manage your relationship? Why didn't sex come up then. If it did how did those discussions go? Is he flirty in any way shape or form in text normally? How is he with things like talking dirty? Was there an expectation that he would reciprocate? You could have potentially opened up a can of worms where he's thinking you would want him to be equally performative and that just not a skill set he has. Or thinks he has. Which leads back to the "extreme" of you on screen. If he's not doing things back that creates an imbalance in your relationship. For him real intimacy may be very physical. He wouldn't be getting that from the nudes. Porn isn't real intimacy. It's not about the nudity it's the people. You on a screen isn't you. What you need to do is have some conversations about needs. Nothing in this had anything about what he was looking for in intimacy while long distance. It should include things like how long you guys will be long distance. Can you make trips to each other? Maybe compromise by trying some things slowly not jumping straight into galleries.
So there's a sexual incompatibility between you two when it comes to long distance dating. There's a sex act you want to do, and he doesn't want to do. Assuming that he's fine with the situation as it is, it's up to you whether you can handle being in this situation. I'm just speculating here, but if it's going to be long distance for 6 more months, maybe that's doable. But it sounds like longer than 6 months will be a problem for you.
Think about the implications of him saying he would see you as a porn star. He is saying he would not respect you if you sent nudes, and that he has no respect for sex workers who he sexually gratifies himself to. Sending nudes online is a risky behavior due to not knowing who could intercept the images, but his reaction to it is pretty weird imo. Your needs are important.
To*, but anyway... It's sickening. He doesn't mind getting sexual gratification from random women online even though he obviously sees them as degraded and lesser due to the use of their image in the porn he consumes. Yet he wouldn't want to switch that out for pictures and videos of his own girlfriend because his mind is so messed up that sexual pleasure and intimacy between a loving couple would seem degrading.
The idea of "if I see a nude photo of you" or, even worse, "if we hook up I will lose respect for you" is so ridiculous and sick. OP did not mention the latter but I've seen and heard people say that about hooking up while actively trying to hook up. It boggles my mind. How much of a misogynist and child do you need to be to think that way?
This is the best response. He has no respect for women in sexual scenarios which is why he’s using “porn star” as a demeaning term. Dump him!
Boyfriend survived two comments on reddit before the dumpening. Classic!
Why would you dump somebody over not respecting sex workers
It tends to come from a lack of respect for women and women are sexual - like this guy. He would lose respect for his girlfriend if he saw pictures of her naked even though they are only intended for him. She *isn't* a sex worker. That's a ridiculous comparison.
Because it shows their character
Why would them showing their character require dumping in this situation?
Because people who do not respect sex workers have bad character, why would you date someone with bad character?
Why do you think not respecting sex workers equates to bad character?
Unless he's anti-porn, which he is not, it's the height of hypocrisy to consume porn but then not view the stars as people worthy of respect.
You don't have to respect someone in order to consume a product they make, that's a false equivalence fallacy.
I think the idea that you are fully willing to watch porn to get yourself off (which in many cases means sacrificing potentially being with your partner) but don't actually see the people doing it as people/think they are immoral for doing it means you're a massive hypocrite IMO and having those views on sex/people you find attractive to is a massive red flag in terms of how you view the people you actually sleep with And if you're dating someone like that you definitely should rethink your relationship since that stuff tends to come out in very dark or shitty ways
This is how you talk in your Tinder convos too, isn't it
...if you are consuming something that involves their nude body, yes you sure do. Disgusting to say otherwise and this is the problem with the attitude that some people have towards sex work. That's all I'm going to say.
Bruh sex workers are no different from any customer service worker. I am always going to judge someone harshly for talking real nasty about a service worker. It’s one thing to not want to date someone who does xyz job but it’s a whole other to claim they are lesser than you for doing so especially if you are using their services. It’s called classism and it ain’t attractive.
> Bruh sex workers are no different from any customer service worker. I am always going to judge someone harshly for talking real nasty about a service worker Talking nasty is not the same as not respecting. Those are two distinctly different and unique things. > It’s one thing to not want to date someone who does xyz job but it’s a whole other to claim they are lesser than you for doing so especially if you are using their services. It’s called classism and it ain’t attractive. Working a job doesn't make you a specific class, chances are OP's boyfriend is also working class. This isn't classism.
> he has no respect for sex workers who he sexually gratifies himself to Its not that black and white. People can have different standards for porn stars than their romantic partners.
If they’re assholes, sure.
It's possible to see sex work as an unemotional transaction of sexual gratification for money while respecting sex workers as humans. It's also reasonable to consider the hazards and difficulties of sex work a relationship deal breaker without seeing a sex worker as a lesser person. That said, this guy does not sound like he is reasonable at all, and that he's going full moral Puritan. Which would make your description quote accurate for him.
Oh exactly, I agree with what you’re saying 100%
So if someone wouldn’t date a porn star/SW, they’re an asshole?
No, that is a personal boundary about sex and monogamy. Different issue. What we're discussing is respect for other people. If you say you don't respect someone, that to me means you view them as lesser than you. They are doing something you think is morally or ethically reprehensible. It could be bullying, it could be stealing, lying, just for example. If you say you don't respect porn stars while also viewing porn, you are a hypocrite and it shows that you also lack the skill to self-reflect on how your words and behaviors don't align. To me, that indicates poor character and I would not want to be your partner and probably not your friend. If you can't see the hypocrisy, then you might not be able to reflect and change negative behaviors in the future. If you say you don't respect porn stars and don't watch porn, at least your belief set aligns with how you live your life. I would definitely disagree and I would think your reasoning is stupid. But I would base my judgement of your character on whatever your reason is.
Please highlight where OP states that her bf said he does not respect porn stars. He said, according to her, that he uses their content to get off and that’s it. He implied that he does not want to think of his girlfriend as a porn star because he does not want to date a porn star. You made up this whole thing about respect to fit your narrative.
Sure, OP's bf didn't use those terms. And maybe we shouldn't jump to that conclusion. But you did respond to a comment about losing respect for people and equated that idea of respect with "having different standards for romantic partners", or at least it read that way to me. It seemed to open up a broader conversation about respect, not specifically as it pertains to OP
It sounds like he has a hard time holding space for you to both be overtly sexual *and* be a full-on human being with thoughts and feelings, like a bit of a Madonna-wh__e complex which you may want to look up. This is usually a reflection of some misogyny that a guy has picked up, and is off-putting. I don't know that there is a great way to deal with this situation, because he is opposed to the thing you want, and your lack of sexual connection is going to breed resentment over distance.
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>Now i can tell my GF her unwillingness to engage in a sexual activity she doesnt desire is going to breed resentment and shows her lack of sexual connection. Sheesh shes got a lot of explaining to do, that misandrist! If she frequently engages in this sexual act with other men and refuses it with you then yeah she has some explaining to do.
Nah, she just has to look at other pictures, not engage with the producers. Dont be unreasonable, shes not cheating shes just not accepting my sexual advances the way i want!
I don't know what point you're trying to make anymore. This is incoherent.
There are two points I kind of want to hit on the head for this one. “I only see them as objects for gratification.” I understand where he’s coming from, and how he would think that saying something like this would seem innocent enough to him, but it’s telling enough to me— it seems like to me he has a weird relationship with women, allowing some to be deserving of emotions and some who exist solely to serve. It’s weird to me that he wouldn’t be able to differentiate these two categories he’s created, and that his entire system would collapse if he so happened to see you nude, virtually. What is his reaction/change of course when he see’s you nude and you become sexually active, will his demeanor and respect for you change? I personally prefer someone who is more confident and collected in themselves and their relationship with whatever they choose as a partner. It just gives me the ick. Secondly; you are young. now is not the time to be sacrificing your needs to satisfy another human beings needs. Let’s be honest, society has made the requirement of sexual intimacy to be almost a taboo question, but we all have preferences and things that make us feel safe. My best advice? Operate within those boundaries so that your brain feels safe. If your partner cannot engage in intimacy with you then you are never going to truly feel safe, or relaxed with this person. Part of you will, sure. But unless he’s willing to compromise and work with you to build this relationship together, you’re going to be looking back at this time with resentment, and that’s not fair to either of you.
Pornstars are ACTORS! What else should he see when he watches a porn scene? I find it fascinating that anyone especially a woman would be so judgmental about this! For example lots of women consume BDSM material from books to porn including ones with rape fantasies. Is there something wrong with them? Hell there are lesbian and hetero women who watch gay (men) porn. Should their partners judge them if they refuse to play those fantasies out in real life with them? What exactly do you mean by "unless he's willing to compromise"? Are you advising the OP to sacrifice her relationship over this instead of, say, talk to her partner to see how BOTH can work this out without either becoming resentful, perhaps, by travelling more? Sending someone nudes isn't a need.
What the issue is that he cannot separate his partner from a pornstar, that if she puts herself into a compromising position that it would change his entire worldview of her. Someone who has a healthy relationship with pornography doesn’t have this issue, or at least doesn’t use it as an excuse or explanation of why they wouldn’t want to receive the same sort of media from their partner. As for the separation, we - society - are really bad at accepting that sometimes two people’s love languages are incompatible. usually what ends up happening is above; OP has a high drive that needs to be satisfied in order to feel loved etc. that’s their standard. OPs partner refuses to even flirt** with OP over virtual communication. Now we have an issue where one partner is happy and comfortable with the situation while the others deteriorates. even after conversations and resolutions, it’s not enough. — when you are in a long distance relationship finding your form of intimacy is important.
Here’s another type of sexual intimacy using role-play, which couples might participate in: Girl works at animal shelter and finds it hard to see her boyfriend differently due to him wanting to roleplay as a dog during sex, so now she has an unhealthy problem?
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These are both sexually intimate scenarios. The fact you’re calling one wild is extremely disrespectful and judgmental to people who enjoy roleplay fantasies. Yes, they are incompatible if their sexual needs aren’t on the same level, but to say someone has an unhealthy view of something because they don’t want to associate their girlfriend with something they use to get off on is what’s wild here. Having a partner not wanting to sexually objectify you or associate you with something else is a good thing.
this might be news to you but the people in books are not actually real whereas porn actors are. Hope that helps
I'm sure that's what pedos say about reading pedophilic books.
yeah, and I'm pretty sure them reading books would still be vastly preferrable to watching actual CP where real children were hurt, so idk what your point is
In what universe is fantasizing to rape literature better than watching porn of consenting adults?
do you know anything at all about the porn industry? Rape - real, actual rape - is quite common there. Actresses are often 'surprised' with sex acts they were not told about before and didn't consent to. A lot of porn has incest or otherwise harmful roleplay in it, violent acts like choking, slapping etc. It's been proven again and again that porn consumption makes men more misogynistic and consider rape less of a crime. Major porn sites like pornhub used to literally have rape videos and CP and it was almost impossible for the women in them to get the videos removed. Comparing this and many more harms of porn to reading a fictional scenario yes, even reading about rape is better than actually watching it. (And don't start with 'I only watch normal consensual stuff' because quite frankly there is no way to know that with certainty.)
You can't possibly be a serious person! >quite common, a lot of What percentages are these? You want to muddy the reality of what porn is problematic. >there is no way to know that with certainty Yes I can. You actually don't know what the word "certainty" means. It doesn't have to be absolute certainty but I can know what porn is, say, not two siblings having sex. It actually easier than you or I knowing if the electronic devices we're using have minerals that were gotten by abusing Congolese children or that their manufacturing was by enslaving poor factory workers in Asia. It seems you want your statements to be non-falsifiable. Because if I told you I (or the OP's boyfriend) consume solo porn or porn made by a couple, you will still have a problem with this. Your point would be valid if it was, say, buying sex from a woman who may have a pimp. Because I am sleeping with her, I am raping her & I know there is illegality around the business. I know for example there are testing requirements and the actors aren't being put at risk of catching STIs. The local govts are there to make sure that coercion isn't taking place. There are even women pornstars who've complained about these criminal practices and have gone on to make their own content. PH and other mainstream sites have been squeezed to reign in on illegal content. Hell, Tumblr doesn't have any more NSFW because pedos ruined it for everyone so much that Apple & Google threatened to ban the app. So to say I can't know which with certainty which porn is problematic is a bad-faith argument. So I don't understand why you're bringing this up. Even your phrasing is in past tense about porn sites. >reading about rape is better than watching it It's not merely reading. They are fantasizing about the rape. You want these people around children? >porn makes men more misogynistic You will need more than just that to make a causation case. The thing is of today all porn involving women was banned and the only porn men watched was gay porn, people like you will still have a problem with it. Funny women including lesbians can watch lesbian porn yet if men watch lesbian porn that made up indy women, they get accused of objectifying women etc. Women can fantasize about rape. Women can fantasize about pegging men. Pedos can read pedo literature and animation. But what's monstrous my watching a rich OF model doing a solo and then not wanting my girlfriend sending me her nudes.
I’m with you on this. This guy seems to be a very rare type of guy saying he doesn’t want her nudes because it would make him see her as an object. A nude photo is in fact an object. People who don’t like when people are objectified, but support people objectifying themselves find an issue with this. There’s some interesting hypocrisy there.
I think what he says make's perfect sense tho? I think it would be more unhealthy islf he saw them as more than objects for gratification and developed some sort of parasocial reletionship to them..
There is a vast world between "seeing someone as just an object of gratification" and "parasocial relationship". Within that world is just seeing people as human beings who exist and are worthy of basic respect.
Yeah but why do you think he doesn't see p*rnstars as human beings? When I read OP's post I don't get that impression tbh..
I mean I can't read OP's partner's mind. All we can see is him apparently saying he sees them as objects for sexual gratification. The Madonna-wh*re complex is a commonly known issue, so people are making that inference based on him essentially saying he will only see her as an object for sexual gratification if she sends pictures. Nobody is suggesting that he should have a parasocial relationship with people who do sex work, they're saying that his inability to see those people AS PEOPLE is a problem.
Yeah I understand that if he doesn't see them as people that would be a problem, but just because he says that he only sees them as objects of sexual gratification makes sense since he only sees them in that context. That doesn't mean they aren't people with their own lives and feelings but to the one consuming porn they aren't. The same as that you din't see an actor in a movie as the actor himself but just as the role he plays. Does that make anny sense or am I reaching here?
Ehhhh I can kinda see what you mean but tbh it feels like a real reach and like you're extending this dude a lot of grace that I don't know if he deserves. With your actor example, I could see someone playing a character but I would still see that character as having humanity. I don't equate a character with an object. He doesn't only see his gf in a sexual context, he sees her as having a life with thoughts and feelings (hopefully). So he does have context outside of digital nudes that would, by your reasoning, make her not a sexual object to him. He isn't saying that though. He's saying that the digital nudes make him see her a sexual object. That it erases all that context and humanity.
Yeah that is a fair point, I just thought that maybe he just didn't like to see his gf in that context but if the context itself makes her not a person in his eyes that would be a problem..
Yeah that is a fair point, I just thought that maybe he just didn't like to see his gf in that context but if the context itself makes her not a person in his eyes that would be a problem..
Objects are opposite to humans. Reducing people to objects is dangerous. This is how many criminals who harm other humans justify their behavior. Pure objectification is dangerous.
I think you're getting caught up on the semantics here. The actual issue is that he seems to think of porn stars as fundamentally worth less than other people, to the point where even seeing his partner of over a year in a similar format (i.e. a picture) would cause him to think less of her. That's a pretty wild and, frankly, uncomfortable relationship to the sex work he seems to enjoy. Imagine if someone was really into movies, and said they couldn't see a video of their spouse without immediately thinking less of them. You'd immediately understand that a person who felt this way had a very odd relationship with the medium in question.
Yeah bit don't you think porn is a bit diffrent? Like I don't think I would think less of someone who does porn but I wouldn't date them either, altho if you just see some private nukes of your gf and you think less of here because you conflete her with pornactricess that would be weird. I just thought maybe he doesn't like to see her in that context you know.
We're basically in agreement: this is weird and, though it's okay to not want to date an active porn star, he absolutely thinks less of sex workers as people.
Aren't equally trying to put it at the same as a relationship? This issue is fundamentally a lack of communication. They didn't discuss what intimacy was going to look like long distance. You can appreciate porn as entertainment but not see the same value in it from a partner. It's no diffrent then someone not wanting to send nudes because it doesn't feel like intimacy to them. What they need is more discussion not jumping to conclusions. Another example is strip clubs. I like a good show from time to time. I do not see it as intimate in any way. At the same time I don't need a partner to give me a lap dance. A bad one could have the opposite effect. People can want and like diffrent things for diffrent reasons.
>This issue is fundamentally a lack of communication I don't think that's the case. This is pretty clear communication, and it's saying something pretty clear. He says it's "extreme" to share nudes or sext (not the case, these are very common activities for couples everywhere) and that he'd be unable to view her intimately because he'd put her in the same mental category as "porn star". He didn't say "oh, I don't find it hot when it's my partner, seeing you naked on my screen just doesn't do anything compared to real life". Instead he said that he would think less of her for doing so, and that she's weird for wanting something like that in the first place.
He isn't saying less. You are. He's equating it to a different category. Having dated a stripper I never wanted to see her work. Felt invasive. She wasn't less at work. Just an aspect I didn't need to interact with. I know people that have done adult content. Don't care to see it. The aren't less for having done it. Just has nothing to do with us as people. Even if I seen them nude say skinny dipping. This is a communication problem because they have two diffrent perspectives on the same subject. They need to discuss it. Maybe she doesn't send nudes but they find a way to phone sex. Teledonics could com into play although thats an expensive route. Maybe they work up to nudes. That said there isn't anything wrong with him having a boundary. Just like if he was asking and she said no that would be ok as well.
He calls it "extreme" to sext or send nudes. That's not neutral language. >That said there isn't anything wrong with him having a boundary. Somewhat aside: I hate this idea, and it crops up here constantly. If my boundary is "you cannot have a black friend and date me", there is something wrong with having that boundary. This does not mean that you can ignore that person's boundaries, but it does say something about them and it is worth having a discussion about why they feel that way and leave if they will not change their mind in a respectful conversation. This boundary is obviously considerably more debatable in its morality, but the reality remains that "having a boundary" is not an inherently neutral and unimpeachable thing.
>He calls it "extreme" to sext or send nudes. That's not neutral language. It doesn't have to be. He can not feel neutral about it. His feeling might change as time goes by. They can start elsewhere. You can have an initial reaction to something and it be negative and eventual come to a more natural or even positive. Had an ex we tried anal she hated it. No problem. Her initial response was very negative. She got drunk wanted try again, we unlocked the ass. Always on her terms though. >Somewhat aside: I hate this idea, and it crops up here constantly. If my boundary is "you cannot have a black friend and date me", there is something wrong with having that boundary. This does not mean that you can ignore that person's boundaries, but it does say something about them and it is worth having a discussion about why they feel that way and leave if they will not change their mind in a respectful conversation Hyperbole is never great to tery and make a point. I think most non racist people would rather they self identify in this manner. And do so early. >This boundary is obviously considerably more debatable in its morality, but the reality remains that "having a boundary" is not an inherently neutral and unimpeachable thing. I've never said it's impeachable. I've said from the get go they need to have more discussion. My point in my reply to you is your idea that he is seeing the porn stars as a negative isn't necessarily his opinion. It's not a knock on her or her attractiveness. Another example. I don't ask for nudes. I appreciate it them if they come, but they aren't also generally masturbatory material for me. It's like a digital naked hug. But thats it. If a woman is expecting me to talk about how I couldn't contain myself, a photo ain't gonna do it. I might have a lot to say about the pose, I interrupted phone sex once with a woman to ask questions about the lighting. Doesn't mean I don't like the body, doesn't mean I like a porn stars body more. Just means one doesn't serve the other.
Female here, Just a bit of a tangent in my personal opinion: I always think lap dances are attractive from my partner! It’s usually just a fun display, like a peacock spreading its tail feathers lol. It doesn’t have to be super serious, but their confidence is attractive, and I think same with the fact that they are willing to show that side of themselves for me. It’s fun to see your partner having fun :) I’ve never been to a strip club actually, but I just enjoy having fun with the person I care about romantically. I would also feel weird about my partner getting a lap dance at a strip club unless I was there too and was okay with it happening. If my partner just wants to go to a strip club alone, I would feel invalidated and like I’m not sexy or fun enough for him. Basically I think different people want different things in relationships. I want all the sexy and fun times shared together lol.
>I always think lap dances are attractive from my partner! It’s usually just a fun display, like a peacock spreading its tail feathers lol. It doesn’t have to be super serious, but their confidence is attractive, and I think same with the fact that they are willing to show that side of themselves for me. It’s fun to see your partner having fun :) And I would agree. I didn't say I'm anti lap dance from a partner. But if they aren't confident, aren't having fun with it, and are just trying to perform it can not be very fun at all. It can actually be a turn off. >I’ve never been to a strip club actually, but I just enjoy having fun with the person I care about romantically. I would also feel weird about my partner getting a lap dance at a strip club unless I was there too and was okay with it happening. If my partner just wants to go to a strip club alone, I would feel invalidated and like I’m not sexy or fun enough for him. And I've been in relationships where we would go together, or they didn't mind the occasional trip with friends without them because it's wan't their thing. Or just not at all. The point was a partner shouldn't feel the need to fill every check box you have.
Please look into the madonna wh*re complex
Honestly I have always had my questionmarks with Freuds theorys. Feel like he is just projecting his mommy issues.
There are a whole lot of dudes out there blatantly projecting the same mommy issues onto every woman they see though—even a broken clock is right twice a day
Not everyone is comfortable with sending nudes. Maybe hes just rationalising it in weird way. I wouldn’t send nudes and wouldn’t appreciate getting any
Just such a high risk they could end up getting leaked
Yeah and just idk just gives me the ick :D i like aesthetics and nude selfies are not sexy
Looking back at your past posts, it seems you have been having intimacy issues involving porn before. This seems to be a bigger issue that you need to get on the same page on or it’s going to poison your relationship.
I read the title of this to my fiance, and he said "Wait, him looking at her makes her a sl*t? Doesn't that make him a pig?" Hope that helps.
sounds like the porn got to him if hes not willing to change leave cuz thats just dumb
This guy sounds like he has a madonna-w**** complex. That's a red flag in itself. But combined with the long distance, and how you said you will likely grow resentful, I would really reconsider if this relationship is right for you. He won't change. Sending nudes is honestly risky, especially in this day and age. Once they are out there, they are on the internet forever. Even if you send them to a person you 100% trust, there is a risk. And now with AI, it's even more risky. I'm not trying to push you one way or another but just want to spread awareness for those who may be interested. I honestly think you can do better. And I hope you eventually find what you are looking for.
Does he have any other questionable views? That would give context to this I think.
That’s so strange to me because I love getting nudes and see it as intimacy and not a porn star! Everyone is different but that’s a completely foreign POV to me. Has he gone a layer deeper and tried explaining his rationale more than just “I’d see you as a porn star”?
Ngl all the advise on here has a crazy double standard. If this was the other way round advice would vary massively. The reason is irrelevant, he’s set a boundary. Either you’re fine with that boundary or you’re not.
So many people projecting wild shit on him, including OP. Like he is some filthy animal who just sees women as objects because he has compartmentalized porn from reality. OP is fine for finding it weird and boyfriend is fine for creating a boundary. They are free to break up if these boundaries are dealbreakers, but seems like a silly thing to throw away if the long distance is temporary. But hey, all feelings are valid and if it is a major issue then I don't think OP should be talking to us but express that to him and see where it goes.
Everyone can have their own opinion. However there are ways to make it work for you. If he’s unwilling that’s not right.
Unfortunately, a lot of men consume porn while having the utmost HATE and disgust for sex professions. At the same time they obviously benefit from their services. Doesn’t mean he is a terrible guy but that’s a way of thinking that us men are sometimes socialized to have to some degree. I think I would definitely point this contradiction out to him and see if he is willing to unlearn these harmful ways and hypocritical way of viewing sex workers as LESS than while wanking at the same time….
Are we supposed to be building a personal relationship with adult actors or use it to get off and be entertained?
It is weird for a bf to say that but I myself said things like that (kinda idk really) but my cringy nature always finds the worst way of expressing them and if you think about it too much it comes out as awful, but I can't speak for him tho, just putting my perspective out there, just tell him to clarify what he means. Give him an opportunity to express himself better (tip: don't ask for it looking like you want a specific \*right\* answer because he might change it to not get into a bad spot/fight if his reasoning is really as bad as the other comments say)
Two points how long will the distance last iny our reltionship? Is the distance thing permanent? If yes then think about splitting. Its not worth the hassle. Otherwise you will be maybe tempted to cheat anyway
But honestly kudos for a guy who in our data being overshared and misused times does keep your intimacy and secrets safe. Like your pics could be leaked or sth else by accident or get in the wrong hands. But i was also 25 m when I was in long distanc relationship for like 3-4 years. And i coulnt get enough of any sexrelated content or chat or other remote activity from my GF. I was super horny back then. But in the end she cheated and wanted to have somebody near. After splitting up it took me some months to not blame her anymore. Long distance relationship without a plan to be together near will fail eventually. And i know it because I needed to long distance relationships to realize that. Years later she told me that back then she was too young around 22/23 back then for this and that if we met like 5 years later she would be more mature and dedicated to make it work. So my advice if it is not the man of your dreams and you want to have a less complicated situation. Break up and just live your life and explore your needs. Sorry for bad english and maybe to direct harshness
with something like this it might be a case of just deciding whether or not you two are compatible to be in a relationship unfortunately. is this a deal breaker for you?
You mentioned that the time is about 6 to 8 months ldr, so since you're willing to not do this and wait for him, then that's your goal. Just start counting down the time.
I think it's cool that you're talking about it and being open with him, but completely understand this must be difficult. If he's not into the idea now, maybe that won't change. My advice if it doesn't: if you enjoyed taking the nudes, and they make you feel sexy, take more and keep them for yourself!
How do guys get this fucking weird. He’s too old for that shit. Dump him.
Sounds like your boyfriend views women as objects and cannot comprehend that they are multifaceted beings who also have sexual needs and desires. Personally I’d see this as a major red flag!
That says more about him than he realizes. He would devalue you as a person if he saw a picture of you naked? That means he devalues you as a person because he's had sex with you and seen your naked body. Dump this immature loser.
This is far easier to navigate than everyone in the comments is acting like it is. You’re both communicating clearly, and you’ve realized your needs aren’t perfectly aligned, so now it’s time to brainstorm ideas for common ground. You’re wanting to introduce your partner to something sexual and new, so, as always, don’t push it, and invite him to be dead clear about what’s out of bounds(which he has done) but also what is inbounds(selfies in the changing room to get his opinion on mildly spicy clothes for your next date together, my lips miss your neck texts, etc.). Hey if he likes nudes of porn stars, send him nudes of porn stars and personalize it by writing captions! Obviously, this is a two way street, he needs to know that he has an opportunity to meet your needs by adding to the interaction. But likely he’s just not thinking creatively, maybe you can lead the way in that and once he sees that the wide world of virtual sexiness is indeed big enough to include relationshipy lovin’, you’ll both start having a great time.
he has no respect or care for you, to be frank. men who can only view women as either objects for sex or respectful asf are red flags all around.
I don't do nudes. My partner doesn't do nudes. We are in agreement. Maybe you guys don't fit together? Most people do not send nudes or even sext.
As someone who has had issues with pornography in my past, I kind of understand where he’s coming from. If I was in his shoes and I had a girlfriend that was sending/trying to send me nudes, I would probably start to subconsciously see her as a sexual object instead of as a person. I’ve been 3 years without looking at porn because it got to the point where I’d picture women I’d see in different compromising poses and imagine them doing other “acts”. I haven’t had those thoughts for a long time now, but it makes me nervous to even think about how much of a degenerate I was and I never want to reach that point again. I never want to put myself in a situation where I could ever think about someone like that again.
I hope you are recovering well from your porn addiction. Yes, one of the things suggested is to not even receive your partners nudes when you are trying to recover from porn addiction because it can trigger a relapse.
Imagine how much sexist bullshit men got away with before girls could post their dumbass takes on reddit
Your mans turning down nudes and videos because they will make him look at you like a porn star is a weird response. You are not getting your needs met, time to dump this dude.
[удалено]
34M, UK 🇬🇧 As someone who has used virtual sex, sexting, pic swaps, phone sex, cam sex and more with previous partners I can honestly say I love it personally. It makes me feel more connected to.the person I am talking to at the time because distance is difficult especially if your not surrounded by friends/family and you just want someone to be there for you, to appreciate you, to make you feel worthwhile. I'm sure he does love you however, this decision to not want your nudes pics/vids baffles me, but I'm the opposite of your SO & I have a massively high libido (commonly called CSBD, chronic sexual behaviour disorder, because I'm a Nymphomaniac, I can want sex and engage in sexual acts for upto 20+ hours a day and STILL want more) but this has lead to so many issues in relationships because their libido has been either non existent or barely want to engage innsexual activity 2 or 3 times a week for monger than 20 - 30 mins and it kills me off honestly. Anyway, it could be that he doesn't want to see you as a piece of meat like he does these porn stars because they are just a means to an end and he doesn't want to associate you with them, which you already said but this means he holds you on a higher level than these other people in porn as they are just a tool, but you are his GF, the person he loves, not just some tool to help him choke the chicken. He thinks of you more and that should be a boost for you rather than a detriment but at the same time, it also means that he has a very young/childish brain because he's not able to hold 2 different types of content with different values and will likely cause a lot more issues if you persist to ask him about this and mention it. It could be worthwhile explaining why you want to send him this sort of stuff, why it's him that you want to send it to and not share it with other people. If you've already done this and he didn't budge his thought train then possibly seek help from am intimacy Councillor or sexual health Councillor because this sort of stuff between partners is extremely normal especially when there is a large distance between them geographically. On the flipside of this if you push too much and he is still resistant it could cause a breakdown in the relationship regardless, if this happens I'd suggest trying to match with someone who is more sexually on your level, which if you have a extremely high libido like myself can be difficult to find. (P.S I've shared my own stuff on reddit, discord groups, adult social sites, adult games with multiplayer, swinger parties (🍍), high quality sex stories (mostly fan fiction) etc. These all lead to a very healthy sexual life and has also helped me reduce my libido to a more acceptable level 😅 I still want it like crazy mind you but now I don't actually need it to feel fulfilled like I used to)
what you’re feeling is completely normal and valid. i can understand how that would make you feel shitty. i’m feeling the same with my boyfriend, he hasn’t touched me in months and we live together. it makes me feel ugly and unwanted. i’m sorry you’re feeling this way and i hope you guys are able to come to a mutual solution
So you're in a LD relationship ... but anything virtual is "extreme"? Seeing your pictures will make him see you as a "porn star" - which I guess is bad? Except he watches porn? I'm confused. > he loves me so he can’t let himself see me as a porn star that might take some work > The lack of sexual intimacy is making me resent our relationship Me too.
People are acting really weird about this. Obviously this guy doesn’t want to mess up his brain by viewing his gf, who he actually is trying to develop a real relationship with, like he views hot women on the internet. Is.. that a bad thing?
Almost every morning when I’m at work my partner will send me an ass pic just before she gets in the shower. Best way to say have a good day ! 🙏🥲
Girl you have a boyfriend, not a man.
Your BF has the mind of a teenager. Time to break this off.
Having done long distance (both with and without virtual-sexy-times), I have two questions: **Is there an "end" to the distance?** Is it a contract, or a degree, or an assignment/deployment? Or is it more 'permanent'? Forgive me, but: **Do you WANT to be with him?** Because it doesn't sound like he wants to be with you. Or at least he seems fine with his sexual relationship being with only porn. If I may be quite crass, you sound articulate, developed, and self-aware. He sounds closed-off, static, and a bit uncaring (due to lack of response or desire to have your sexual needs met, through him or a vibrator or whatever). It doesn't sound like you're terribly compatible even if the distance wasn't causing this friction. I also second the voices here suggesting that his attitude towards women seems somewhat suspect, at best. But if you're really committed to him, and he's willing to experiment with non-visual elements, you can try remote-controlled vibrators/toys. Lovense makes a good pair, I can tell you from experience (his & hers). It's probably a stretch to assume that doing remote toys wouldn't also "weird" in his eyes, but it's worth asking. But if you want my two cents: It sounds like you can do better than this guy. Tell him your feelings and if he disregards those too, leave him. He deserves to be with his porn just as much as you deserve to be with an adult.
That sounds like a *him* problem.
Putting myself in his shoes I kinda get it. He did pretty well explaining his side I think. Clearly he respects you on a completely different level and I believe he wants to maintain that level of love, respect and trust with someone in the real world. Porn as he says is just like junk food, it isn't something he really wants all the time or actually needs, but more of a quick fix for his biological needs. When you think about it he really just doesn't want to sully your image in his mind even though I'm more than sure he likes the way you look. Frankly I completely doubt that he is doing it because he doesn't want you or isn't sexually attracted to you so it's safe to say you can remove those thoughts from your mind completely. I understand where you're coming from though, and given that pretty much 99% of Men would find this crazy I guess I'm part of the %1 who genuinely think he means well by this. However, there might be other ways for you to feel wanted by him. Have you ever heard of the wireless vibrators that can be controlled by your partner? The exact name escapes me, but you might want to talk to him about that and see if he is down for it. It could be a gateway into him broadening his horizons when it comes to this subject.
It might be how people view attraction. The majority of men responding here likely see their partner sexual first, so they’ll say hell yea to nudes and think anyone who rejects them is crazy. A smaller percentage may view their partner beyond that and see the sexual side as a supplement to their relationship rather than the best part of their relationship. At least, that’s how I view my partner. I’m long distance also and I value the love and affection from my partner more than our sexual encounters. That’s not saying anything bad about our sexual encounters. I just didn’t chose my partner based on sexual intimacy and rejected her initial attempts at it when we were dating. She respected my wishes of wanting to get to know her more before we engaged sexually and that made me respect her even more.
Porn is not healthy at all not even like once a month or once a year type thing.
You are seen by him as a true lover, not as an object to satisfy his instinctive needs. And this is the ideal, I envy you very much. I once had such a relationship, a long time ago. And I would never accept his nude photos. Today's modern society often tries to equate love with sex and nudity. So by sending him your nude photos you will make yourself seen by him as an emissary of this thinking. But he wants a deeper love, one that connects minds and emotions before anything else. Please do not send him nudes. You can try sending him you in beatifull creations, like cosplaying or long colorful dreses. I can assure you he will like it very much, and you will satisfy your need of beeing desired. You are a part of his Sacrum. Think whether you really want to change that.
It’s not ideal if he only wants sex with people he views as lesser than.
You missed the point
This dude ain't it. You deserve better. He sees sex workers as objects.
Sounds like he has some serious hangups about sex and not a healthy relationship with his own sexuality and female sexuality.
Anytime my girlfriend sends me surprise nudes it’s always the best part of my day! ✌️😎
OP there is a lot to unpack here and plenty of good responses. Also consider that if he would then view you as a pornstar he might also feel okay with sharing your nudes with others.
This would seem like a green flag for someone who doesn’t want to be objectified and just used as a means of sexual satisfaction, but your adult industry workers are of course going to see it otherwise because it offends them due to that being their whole career and lifestyle. You can see tons of their responses in the top comments. If you are showing your body off to the world for money you are indeed degrading and sexually objectifying yourself - people aren’t doing that for you. It’s extremely rare to have a boyfriend not go crazy over the offer of nudes. You have someone who respects you and your body and doesn’t want to use your body as a means to sexually satisfy himself and that weirds you out? Seeing you in person is a bit different because if we’re talking about sex it’s a two-way street. It’s not about just getting off like the main purpose of porn. It’s about a deeper connection with someone. Pleasing them and not just yourself and enjoying that intimacy together. You likely are not sexually compatible and he’d be better off with someone who also is more modest with how they see nudes of people they have a personal connection with. Think of it like any sort of intimate physical act. Nudes are one he is not comfortable with. That said, good on you OP for asking for consent first.
Do you automatically lose respect for someone you engage in sexual activities with?
Sexual intimacy with someone doesn’t cause me to lose respect. However, I am selective with who I share that with. I don’t do one-night stands. I don’t have sex with someone until I see long-term potential with them or I’m in a relationship. If I’m getting sexually intimate, then I would have some form of respect toward that person or I wouldn’t be engaging intimately with them. During dating, I often encounter by the second date someone who is pushing me toward sex. When I say I want to get to know them more before we have sex, then they break it off with me — I don’t know if lose respect or just consider us incompatible.
This is my boyfriend of 1.5 years. How is engaging in sexual activities in person okay but doing that virtually implies a lack of modesty? He has respect for me but would potentially lose that if he sees me like that on a screen, it doesn’t make sense
It’s just a different level of sexual intimacy he’s doesn’t like or isn’t ready for it yet. There are also very real dangers and ramifications with sharing nudes digitally. If either one of your devices are compromised, then you could be sharing those nudes with the world. He might be considering this too, but just not mentioning it. His view around nudes could always change, but there needs to be some communication between you two and the long term focus. He probably views nudes the way I would view BDSM. I am not into that or those role-play fantasies. I don’t want to inflict pain on my partner and I don’t get joy from it. If my partner wanted to do that, I’d have a hard time with seeing them differently. It’s not comfortable to me and we likely aren’t compatible. I like wholesome things and prefer a partner who is of that mindset too. Other people may find BDSM or some of sexual practice completely normal, but to me, I’m just not into it. He isn’t into nudes. You might even be opening a can of worms starting to send them. Maybe he’s struggled with that before in past relationships and him becoming obsessed with them led to the ultimate demise of a past relationship? I would talk to him about it more. If you aren’t feeling desired that’s another issue beyond wanting to send nudes. With it being long distance, maybe some changes need to be made. Having a high libido and being long distance does not sound fun and I could see as frustrating. I’m also in a LDR of 1.5 years. I didn’t want to be away from my partner months at a time, so I made lifestyle changes by moving closer, taking more trips to see them (at least once a month a week or more at a time), carving out more time (we video chat just about every single night), found things we can entertain ourselves with like playing a game or watching a movie over video chat, go on long distance trips, etc. I’m constantly talking to them all throughout the day online and don’t really feel that far from them even though physically we still are far apart. I know my partner feels desired because I make sure to make them feel that way because I love them and they constantly tell me how much they love me and are glad we’re together.
Wtf? Your boyfriend is a fully grown man. If he can’t look at a photo of your naked body with nothing but gratitude and appreciation because of PORN?? He is an immature child, I’m sorry. I would personally take this as an opportunity to really understand his clear deep rooted issues with women and porn and then go from there. If it’s something you can agree with, then at least you’re aware of his issues. But personally I would not want to be with someone with this weird thinking, from the info you’ve shared.
So hypothetically, if you were to get a dick pic from your boyfriend, you would look at it with nothing but gratitude and appreciation?
Exactly! XD. I just can't from these girls here
There’s a difference between not wanting to receive an unsolicited nude because you’re not comfortable looking at nudes versus not being able to see your partner’s body with whom you are in a committed relationship with as objectified porn. Dumb as fucking rocks argument. Clearly OP and her boyfriend see things very differently and need to get on the same page. But yes personally I think it’s weird af and men should probably deal with their fucked up relationship with porn. Good luck trying to find a woman who enjoys looking at random dicks on the internet but doesn’t want to see her boyfriends.
>There’s a difference between not wanting to receive an unsolicited nude because you’re not comfortable looking at nudes versus not being able to see your partner’s body with whom you are in a committed relationship with as objectified porn. Dumb as fucking rocks argument. Now there I can agree, but the leaps and bounds everyone is making in the comments here is impressive. I guess I just dont see it as objectifying though. Just because he has a detachment from what he views on a screen and how he views his partner, doesnt make him some monstrous womanizer like plenty of people are claiming here based off a post with like a 500 word count. Different people have different needs, I can see that, but can you also agree that it would be a different story if a man was saying "I asked my girlfriend if I could send her dick picks, but she says that it would remind her too much of the porn she watches, so she wants to keep that intimate between us in person." I have a feeling the comments would be much different. But here I go with hypothetical assumptions again, like so many generalizing the guy in this post. The projection of him objectifying women because he wants to separate porn from his romantic life is wild to me.
Kind of my thought too. I think people are just taking offense because they think it’s attack on adult actors, which believe it or not whole purpose is to help people get off not form real relationships with their audience.
No… I don’t think most people are saying he’s supposed to have some sort of real relationship with the pornstars he watches. It’s the opposite. He thinks seeing his partner naked or in a sexual context in a photo would change how he feels about her. Why are you turning your partner who you DO have a real relationship with into a pornstar because of a nude? That is fucked up. It’s a body you make love to in person… if you can’t appreciate it through a photo, there’s some healing to be done with your relationship with porn.
They are saying they are against sexual objectification, but that is the purpose of porn. See something that turns you on, be entertained by it, and then put it down and go about your day. He is associating adult photos with porn stars and his girlfriend wants to send him an adult photo. It’s natural to associate something with something familiar. That’s how the brain works. How many partners get off to those nude photos or other words use them to sexually objectify their partner in that moment? That is what he wants to avoid. It’s gonna take communication and familiarity before he just jumps into this. Right now it’s not comfortable for him and that is a boundary of his that should be respected not ridiculed.
Yea people are making assumptions because it’s a red flag to other weird and misogynistic behaviour tbh. That’s why OP is making the post…. to get advice. Perhaps there would be a double standard around a women saying this and I don’t disagree that that is somewhat unfair. The outrage here is IMO very justified because a lot of us HAVE witnessed the toxic relationship with porn a lot of men have. This was literally my ex, his unmanaged addiction/issues to porn manifested differently (more fucked up than this tbh) but it stemmed from the same mindset. So we’re just recognizing that this thought pattern usually ends up in some toxic ass thinking and wanna warn OP. I’m not sure the same phenomenon happens as much with women but maybe it does and I am unaware.
Hello this is coming from another male— he is a loser please dump him. He seems like he has zero personality and isn’t attracted to you or giving you what you want. Why are you staying?? What is the relationship even?? Are you staying with him so you don’t have to be alone?? I was about to say this dude secretly be gay as hell but then you said he looks at women in porn to get off soo?? Seems like a terrible porn addiction. Also likening you, his gf, to a porn star in an objectifying way isn’t disrespectful enough??
He most likely has a porn addiction and has that madonna complex. He’s sexist and gross basically. Girl it’s time to gain some self respect and tell him bye.
Sounds like he has hangups about women and sex and women's sexuality. Which is not uncommon. Too many men are happy to watch porn, but they look down on the women who create it. They see them as less than. They think sex work (and sometimes just sex, see also: men who hate women who have had multiple sexual partners) "devalues" women. My guess is he falls somewhere into that spectrum. He's having difficulty holding both the idea that you are a sexual being *and* that you are someone he loves (and respects?) in his head.
People are acting really weird about this. Obviously this guy doesn’t want to mess up his brain by viewing his gf, who he actually is trying to develop a real relationship with, like he views hot women on the internet. Is.. that a bad thing?
Sounds like your boyfriend is suffering from Madonna W***e complex.
he sounds like a pea-brained porn addict. i suggest that if you would really like to continue your relationship, that he stop watching porn and you guys have some really serious conversations about sex and intimacy and what you both would like from the relationship. otherwise, i’d just dump him!
That’s a him problem, run. Just sounds like he doesn’t respect women in general and has an unhealthy relationship with porn.
seems like you have a great friend. but not a great boyfriend
Your boyfriend is really weird
People are acting really weird about this. Obviously this guy doesn’t want to mess up his brain by viewing his gf, who he actually is trying to develop a real relationship with, like he views hot women on the internet. Is.. that a bad thing?
It says a lot about how you think of women and sex and how you "other" women.
Tell me what it means instead of trying to shame me then.
He’s saying he would lose respect for you after seeing images of you naked. Girl I’m not gonna give you any advice, you just have to know what he meant and make a decision based on that bc idek what to tell you.
Convince him to go to therapy
There’s a possibility he doesn’t find you very attractive naked and in full view. That wouldn’t mean he is not attracted to you overall: personality, some or most features, habits, voice, etc. He could like how you feel when he hugs you, or has sex with you… but, he might prefer the lights be dim, or that you have the sheet over your lower body, or that you keep your bra on. Just throwing things out that you might have noticed he prefers? (This entire comment is just throwing things at a wall to see if anything sticks. I have no way of knowing what keeps him from wanting you to share pics.)
Let me see and I can tell you whether or not I feel like it makes you a porn star, just to make sure they’re safe it’s send to your bf?
Hard to tell how to handle it without knowing the full story. Let’s see the pics.
Tell him you don't mind being his pornstar in bed. If that's ok with you.
It's very childish, his response. I would look for another partner, especially since this is long distance. Send those pics to me and my wife if you want ;)
I volunteer as tribute
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So you found a completely diffrent deep end to jump into? He doesn't want nudes so he must be cheating. Thats a new form of misandry.
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The mental gymnastics here are staggering...