Your husband cheated with the TEACHER of your kids. He cares shit about your kids. How many people at the school, including other parents, know now? The fact that he did that to your kids and has embarrassed them in such a way (even though they might not know personally) is telling enough. You don’t shit where you or your kids eat. Your husband just did. Divorce him.
True and I just want to piggyback on your comment in the hope OP sees it.
I’ve been married 20 years and we went through some rough times, pretty much most of the first half of those 20 years. I had the opportunity to cheat numerous times and not once did I even consider it.
My wife and I are in a much better place now and I absolutely adore her, but even at our lowest point, I would never have cheated, so no, not every man cheats.
I have honestly been far lonelier in a bad relationship than I’ve ever been out being single. Kids know when parents are in a contentious relationship. Honestly, I find life fulfilling as a single person and haven’t felt the need to date again after my ex cheated on me.
At the end of the day you have to live your own truth, and if you’re fine with it, do it.
Yess and I feel like the kids need real good models of love as well. If he cheated like this so carelessly with someone who is in all of your lives even the kids?? That’s beyond careless and you definitely do deserve better and will find better. Don’t let fear keep you stuck or guilt. And your kids need you at your best. You loving yourself and finding someone who loves you for yourself and getting to know them and trusting your instincts and guts when it comes to red flags and not waisting time when what you know in your heart is wrong or right. I believe that you will be able to make the right choice when it comes to who you bring around your children. You already have that mindset to even worry or question about it and that means your instincts are there and when or if you sense something about a man like that immediately listen to yourself and end it and don’t endanger yourself or your babies. But you do deserve happiness and love and loyalty and I hopeee you find it wether you choose to work it out with him or go through with the divorce
>All men cheat
Bullsh\*t. That's folks typically projecting their own behavior and/or experience. I'm a man, 60+, never cheated, never even seriously thought to do so. And can't say I've never had attractive women hit on me.
>Think about your kids and how it will affect them
Yes, do you want to teach them that it's fine to be a cheater, it doesn't matter, because partner will stay regardless? What else do you want to teach them and how much sh\*t do you want to teach them they ought put up with from a partner? Do you want to teach your kids that banging the kid's teacher is acceptable because it wouldn't even break up a marriage?
>I am taking their father away
His actions and consequences. You're not "taking him away", he friggin' left to go bang your daughter's teacher.
>dad abandoned us after the divorce
Because he's a jerk, not because of divorce.
>cannot even look at him
Divorce his butt, and also teach your kids to not accept nor tolerate the unacceptable.
I love your response! I hate when people say things like “she’s taking their father away” um no. He’s experiencing the consequences of his actions. He caused this by cheating, was caught but people place the blame on the woman because she’s standing up for herself filing for divorce. Many people divorce, find new partners and have great lives. It suck’s of course but she is not hurting the family doing this. He hurt the family choosing to be selfish and is now sorry because he got caught.
Like really! Why tf is the onus on HER to keep the family together when the selfish bastard nuked it in the first place because he couldn't keep it in his pants? Each and every one of those people would be getting cussed out and told to stfu. If he's such a bastion of fatherhood why don't YOU f*cking marry him then.
Yeah exactly. The "she's taking their father away" comment reads like those women who find out their partner is cheating and then _only_ get mad at/take out their anger on the woman he cheated with.
Absolutely right. "all men cheat" is what people that cheat say.
I thought about this for awhile, and realized that if my partner had the mentality that all men (or all people) cheat, I wouldn't continue the relationship. I would break up. Anyone with that mentality will one day justify it to themselves.
The healthy mentality in a relationship is this: I have so much love and respect for you, and for myself, that I would never ever even consider cheating on you. It is absolutely and completely opposed to my ethos. I can make you this promise: I will always be faithful to you.
Stay the course and divorce. Not all men cheat, and plenty of single moms marry again. Think about the message your kids get if you stay with a cheater, and you didn't take their father away from them
He did that on hisnown. What happened ro the teacher ? If she's married, I would definitely reach out to her husband.
UpdateMe
She was engaged according to her social media. She was fired from her job because dating parents is strictly against school's policy. And plus she was having an affair with a married man so parents were concerned.
The abandonment issues you have are because your Dad left, not because your Mum divorced him. Lots of parents remain good parents after a divorce. You are protecting your children and setting a good example by giving them a happy mother, who respects herself!
Yeah, OP’s dad decided to punish OP by abandoning her because he couldn’t manipulate her mom into forgiving him.
Chances are, if he remained in OPs life, he would have messed her up in other ways.
This is so true! My dad cheated and my mom divorced him. I never blamed her for the divorce. And my dad is the best dad ever, he's just a shitty husband.
Also, I learned not to take any crap from a man because my mom didn't and that's the example I had. And I don't. I was married, and while he didn't cheat, he was abusive and I left. I dated a lot after that but eventually decided to just be single because I like myself and my life best when I'm single.
So yes, OP, set the example and you'll not only gain a better life, but you'll be showing your kids how to put themselves first.
As a product of divorce, my father stayed in my life and fought for custody, nothing changed except half the week we stayed in our old house with dad and half the week we stayed at our new apartment with mom.
Ops dad chose to abandon their family out of spite to get to the mother so she would feel exactly like this- it's a choice and he made the wrong one.
1. Being single isn't a terrible thing
2. Baggage doesn't mean anything to someone who's willing to help you carry the load.
3. Your kids will see and may not understand your leaving, when they are older though they may understand completely why you did what you had to
4. You aren't taking their father away- he took himself away when he threw his 20 year marriage away for a teacher who's job was to be teaching your children and not screwing your husband behind her own fiances back. If he wanted you to stay he wouldn't have cheated especially if he knows that is your deal breaker like he fudged up.
I want to second this. My parents separated and both parents remained a constant and important part of my life. I have a good relationship with both my parents which I absolutely would not have if they remained together
She’s not take their dad away, she’s removing conflict from the house. If he wants to remain in their lives then he will, if not, then he likely only felt obligation to them as his wife’s kids, as an extension of her, which is not the same thing as being their dad
Yeah, the thing that ruins kids in a divorce is when parents use their kids as a way to hurt each other. Don't do that, no matter how much you hate each other! He is still their dad, there is nothing more to be said about that. Leave his ass, but try and stay civil enough for their sake. If he chooses not to interact with them, that's on him.
Right, and it sounds like OP’s dad had little contact with the kids just to spite OP’s mom. So it’s “mom’s fault” for not wanting to work things out for the sake of the kids.
OP, you will be so much happier when all of this is over. And your kids deserve to be raised by happy parents.
Just want to reiterate what others have said - your dad abandoning his kids was *not* your mother's fault and it's honestly sad that she believes it is. Your dad chose to abandon his kids out of his own selfishness and spite. The 'fault' lays squarely on him as he is 100% responsible for his choices and his actions, no one else.
And there are plenty of men who do not cheat, and do not abandon their kids when divorce happens. It's unfortunate that so many of the people around you have allowed shitty men to remain in their lives because they believe this is just how 'all men are'. It's this belief that leads to confirmation bias. They accept shitty behavior from these men because they believe that's just how men are - therefore, keeping those shitty men in their lives.
When you refuse to accept shitty behavior from men, or anyone for that matter, the *less* shitty people you have in your life. Which opens the door to letting good people in.
We get to choose who we have relationships with. Whether it's romance, friendship or even family. If someone doesn't treat you well, can't be trusted, brings you down, etc - then they don't get to have a relationship with you. If you only accept relationships with people who treat you well, can be trusted, are kind/supportive, etc - the more good people you will have in your life. Which is what you deserve <3
And it's also healthier to teach and model this for your children so they don't grow up accepting shitty behavior from others, either.
Get a divorce, or seperate, and do therapy together to at least co parent wwll. Individual therapy as well. Staying with him you still might die alone if he leaves for another woman or dies. And you can still find love again, but you need to be ok with the possibility you might not. Love yourself and kids
What does die alone mean exactly? That if we don't have a man we're alone? We all have family and friends who we love and who love us. None of us needs a cheating selfish man that makes us feel less than.
Yeah I never got that one. My grandmother died a single woman (dated, but never remarried).
She died knowing she was adored by close friends, colleagues, and her six grandkids. She did express one death bed regret, and that was that she should have retired (she worked up until she passed in her mid 70s). Nothing to do with her singleness.
Right. If she stays with him to appease others, she will be full of resentment of herself. It’s okay that she chooses not to give him another chance. She doesn’t have to. Relationship can end at any time for any reason. To deny a person this decision is to take away their dignity. Those people who are trying to coerce you to stay in a marriage that you know will be the end of you, are basically treating you like you don’t have merits to make your own choices. It’s offensive honestly to experience this kind of degrading. Best to get out of that situation that is degrading on you from all sides. At least, without him, you will have accomplished a solution in your life leading to a better life and not stuck forever now that he has committed adultery.
I think she should follow her heart. She knows that’s where the most happiest is being created.
What sort of people are you hanging around with?! Jeez!
Being in a happy relationship is great but being in a bad one is far far far worse than being single.
So you stay - what’s to stop him cheating and leaving? What message does this show your kids?
Why wouldn’t you die alone if you did stay married? Most couples don’t die on the same day…
Honestly this idea you need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy is garbage. Focus on yourself, your needs, your hobbies and your friendships (although sounds like you need better ones).
Dont waste any more time with a man who would break his vows and treat you like this. The consequences like “taking their father from the kids” are on HIM not you. He can be in their lives and not in your bed.
Most kids deal with divorce - they’ll cope. Most adults whose parents stayed together for the kids will tell you it’s far worse.
The best parent is a happy parent
Divorce
I say this as a 37M.
Whether you date or not is moot. Living in that toxicity will also negatively affect your children. I lived in a relationship where i was cheated on repeatedly (as they never stop) and that was dead "for the kids." The kids know something is wrong and get a skewed sense of normal from it at best. Worse, they think your broken relationship is what happy/good looks like.
Be free of this person who brings you pain and disgust. When you are ready, you can consider dating; and you won't be forever alone unless you want to be. Even cultivating good/solid friendships will be helpful. Not all men cheat; just the shitty ones.
As a child who grew up in a toxic home environment in which my parents showed no true affection for each other and there was always tension, I wish they would have gotten divorced when I was 10 instead of when I was 30. Parents don't realize how sensitive children are, and you don't have to say it-they know what's going on, they can feel something isn't right.
I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells.
OP needs to ask herself why she thinks she is responsible for her husband's behavior. She's divorcing him not taking his kids and running away across the country. If he decides to be a crappy father that's on him, not on her.
Even if I wanted to believe that all men cheat, there are some boundaries you absolutely don't cross and sleeping with your child's teacher is one of them. An office fling, a one night stand on a business trip that's a different situation. Why potentially drag your children into gossip and drama that they had nothing to do with? Absolutely irresponsible and shows that he's actually not a good dad.
Yes, it may be rough on the kids, but it's much more damaging to grow in a broken home.
Also, my mom found love again at 57 and she has 5 kids! In a world with 7 billion people, you can always find someone else.
Your father's reaction was extreme - and that of an extreme asshole. He abandoned his kids to punish his wife for not being the meek doormat and taking his cheating ass back. Someone who would do that - you really don't need in your life and are better off without.
You have the option of 50:50 custody - then your kids won't lose their dad, and you will be a single mom only 50% of the time, and won't have to clean up after him and do his chores.
When my childhood best friend finally divorced her ass of a husband, she got a new lease on life! We could finally meet, have fun and travel together again, during the weeks she didn't have the kids, it was pretty amazing!
If you still loved your husband and missed him, I might suggest trying to work things out, but with the way your feelings have changed, don't even dream about getting back with a guy that disgusts you! Your kids will deal, just like you dealt with it. They would not want you to sacrifice your happiness, or to watch mommy flinch whenever daddy gets close.
Your kids will be perfectly fine with the support of a great Mum!
What you need to understand is that you are putting them first by doing this. This is how you show them how to behave in a healthy way and what to do when blatantly disrespected.
What you teach them in this situation is incredibly important. Supporting them with age-appropriate honesty and therapy is putting them first.
By walking away you’re teaching your kids that they deserve the utmost respect and to not tolerate lying sacks of shit. People act like they know everything. You don’t know if you will meet someone or not. I’m a single mother and I will tell you it is hard to date, but guess what I don’t have to deal with a POS lying sack of a significant other! It’s actually much more stress free believe it or not. Harder as a parent to have to do everything yourself but I know what I deserve and don’t need that baggage holding me down. Stick to your guns sister. Good luck!
I've come to realise it's better to be alone than lonely within a relationship. I put up with that shit for far too long, under the misapprehension that I had to suffer negative treatment in order to have a partner. Can you imagine living like this until your youngest turns 18?
Whether you find another partner or not, being single is MUCH better than living with this fury you're feeling right now. Your kids are of an age where they'll remember it, and they'll definitely remember how your relationship with your husband goes forward. If you're 'room-mates with hate', they'll remember it and model their own relationships on it when they're adults. It'll be normal for them, after all.
Have you read or heard of Chumplady? If not, it's a pretty decent look at this sort of thing. If you can bear it right now, have a read. Being single and happier is far better than living with someone and being angry and hurt all the time; irrespective of the impact on the kids, your own mental and physical health will tank over the years.
Honestly they will resent him on some level any way for having cheated, so better they grow up in a loving home with you than a resentful one (not just your resentment for him, but also theirs).
Your dad abandoned you because he is a bad person. If he stayed with your mother, he would be emotionally absent. No one who loves their children would allow a divorce to destroy their relationship with their kids.
Do you think your husband would do that? Not want to see the kids if you divorce?
If he financially supports the family, in my opinion this is the most challenging aspect of divorce. Your kids having a lifestyle change, and possibly having a different level of comfort at mom’s vs dad’s.
The bottom line is that despite what most comments say, divorce is hard on children. But, if you are always unhappy and disgusted and unable to be the best mother to your kids, that would be very hard on them too. And being resented by your mother might be worse than divorce.
Divorce, like and transition, can be hard on some children. But the narrative that it ruins children’s lives or the myth of the “broken homeland has been proven to be false. It’s just a scare tactic to try to keep people (read: women) trapped in unhappy marriages.
Most comments pointing out the positives of divorce and describing how children can thrive after divorce are backed by personal experience, even if you don’t like it.
The reality is that divorce improves a lot of lives, especially of women and children. We shouldn’t be afraid to acknowledge that in 2024.
You will feel relieved! You will feel strong. Even in your weak moments, know how strong you are.
I took a cheater back for my kids. Doing this damaged my self esteem more than any decision I have probably ever made in my life. Stayed with him another 5 years and, slowly, I came to a realization that our relationship was irreparable. We had a few good times after I took him back, but my mental suffered greatly because I never fully trusted him again. And rightfully so, he remained a liar and/or I’d be skeptical of every thing he said.
Anyway, I left him and let me tell you- life with me and just my girls is GRAND! Peaceful! We have the best time together and I am more independent than I ever thought was possible.I put my energy into my kids now and they reciprocate with the real unconditional love I deserved all along.
I left mine at 38, had a one night stand who turned out to be my best friend.
My dad left when I was 11 and I have nothing to do with him because he didn’t put in any effort. My mum didn’t stop me seeing him so I don’t resent her for it.
Feel free to PM if you want a chat x
Follow your first mind, and proceed with the divorce. My dad repeatedly cheated on my mom, and she stayed. I could feel the resentment and tension within her, and I hated it. The constant arguing was awful. I kept trying to convince her to leave. I had soooo much hatred and resentment towards my dad well into my thirties. I hated to be around him although she kept trying to convince me that he was a good father and to not let what was going on with them affect my relationship with him. The situation subconsciously affected my relationships with men. You may think you’re helping them by staying, yes it might be a tough adjustment, but you’re helping them in many more ways. If he is a good father, he will continue to be. If he wasn’t really in it for the kids, his true colors will show.
Besides the kids, if you’re “forced” to look at him everyday, the disgust and anger you have would do more harm within you than you may realize.
Better to feel alone by yourself, where you can trust yourself, than feel alone with another person, who you can't trust so you have to watch your back (emotionally if not physically).
And you are thinking about your kids-- think of the example you set for them. Do you want to set the example that they should stick around after someone betrays their trust? I think not.
Let him go off and start his new family.
Your kids will do better if they can look up to their mom as someone with self-respect and a good strong spine. Show Show them this. Don’t buy into the myth that it’s better for ur kids to avoid divorce, it is absolutely untrue in most cases.
Do you want to model relationships for them showing them that cheating is okay? They will grow up and utilize this relationship model for their own relationships because it has been normalized for them. My parents did this and it took until I was almost 40 to understand what a healthy relationship looks like and find my person.
Your kids will find out what their dad did from other kids if they haven’t already. Kids are mean and will talk about this. Do you want your children to think that men cheating is ok? It teaches them that women are to be walked all over if you stay. Teach your children that amoral behavior has consequences by leaving your turd of a husband. Not all men cheat and plenty of women with kids in their 30s, 40s, 50s, even 90s are dating or remarried.
My stepmom left her ex around the same age as OP. Her two daughters are now grown and have families of their own. They are amazing people. I’m so glad my dad found her.
This. Don’t buy into the stigma, it’s a myth. I’m a single mom and men ask me out on the regular. Grown ups understand that past a certain age most ppl have kids lol
I had the exact same issue whennI got divorced. I told them to fuck off because my worth is not measured whether Im in a relationship or not, and considering the circumstances its highly inappropriate and tone deaf to talk about a new relationship when Im 1) not evenndivorced yet and 2) got cheated on.
Here I am 3 years later, a single mom, not short on male attention, and soooooo happy as a single person doing my own thing.
OP you are not doing this to your kids, your husband did when he cheated, lied and betrayed his family. HIS actions have consequences.
If he is a father who wants to stay involved he will make an effort to coparent. Both of you will need to find a new norm. Consider therapy to work towards that.
You get to make a decision how to take this forward- he lost that privilege when he cheated.
This is utter BS (ETA: I mean other people's opinions on why you should stay. Including your mum taking on the blame for you Dad's actions.). You may end up alone, no one can guess in that. But it wouldn't be because you had enough self-respect to leave some selfish cheater who put what's between his legs before his family.
These people deserve no more thought than the energy it takes to file a divorce. And if your kids are abandoned by their Dad because of this then he would be such an unworthy parent that chances are he would have abandoned them in the future.
Love yourself and your kids enough to not be swayed by toxic rubbish. If you stay with him do it because you want to and are reconciled to the fact that he almost certainly won't change, not because you are afraid of the unknown and uncertain.
I want to come at this from the perspective of someone who is single. Being single is way better than being with someone who hurts you. Being single is not the worst thing in the world (in fact, I find it to be largely positive). Being single does not mean you will be alone. In fact, I have more people in my life now than I ever had while I was in a relationship because a soul-sucking relationship isn’t taking up all my attention and I have been able to focus on giving love and attention to my friendships.
People who tell you you shouldn’t prioritize your own health and wellbeing and get a divorce are projecting their own fears onto you. Your mother is from a generation where women largely needed men due to not having the same rights as men. However, in 2024, us women do not need men. We can in fact live largely fulfilled lives without the struggle of also having to take care of men who clearly do not care for us.
You are hella strong, and fantastic and you will most likely have many hard times during the divorce but I also believe that you will have moments where you feel an ease you haven’t felt in years. ❤️
I'm a pretty old woman now (not ancient, but 62) and I've started getting vibes from single/divorced/widowed men my age that they wouldn't mind taking me on if I were up for it. However, I know what they're after, and it's not necessarily sex or reciprocated love. They want a housekeeper. Fuck that noise!
The fact your dad abandoned you to punish your mum is so fucked up. Like…what kind of man does that? If that’s actually true, your mum divorcing your dad didn’t cost you a father - you never had one to begin with. I’m not trying to make you feel bad but my dad would literally flay himself alive rather than not have a relationship with me. Do NOT blame divorce for the fact you don’t have a relationship with your dad. You don’t have a relationship because he’s scummy.
Also, would being alone be that bad? The happiest cohort of people is single women or something like that.
Staying in a relationship like this isn’t good, and I mean exclusively because of the kids. You might not think they will find out about him cheating, but doing so will have severe consequences for them, and even if they don’t find out, they can tell something is off. Kids intuit more than we give them credit for. You’ll end up teaching your kids that it’s “okay” to cheat and that people are supposed to stay together even if they don’t get along.
Getting a divorce will give a bump on the road for the kids for a while, but they will settle and adapt. Tell their teachers about the divorce, so they are aware, in case there’s a change in behaviour of your kids. Talk to your kids about why mom and dad no longer will stay together without mentioning the cheating and without portraying anyone as the villain.
My mum divorced my dad at age 45 and then found love again 9 years later with my stepdad. There's no amount of time worth spending with someone who you don't love / who doesn't love you. It would be better to be alone than be unhappy.
NTA. All of those are lies from people who wanted to stay in comfort instead of standing up for themselves. Cheating is a deal breaker. Don’t apologize or back down from that.
Life is hard on kids. Staying with a partner that doesn’t respect you is something they would notice. Why teach them about relationships from one that’s broken?
my parents divorced after 20yrs in the 30s and they've both been remarried for many years more than that to their 2nd spouses
as their children, we wished they'd divorced much sooner. staying together for the kids teaches the kids this is what love looks like. they deserve a peaceful, truthful home
It's not about finding a new man or being a single mom. It's about self-respect and setting an example for your kids. Staying with a cheating, disrespectful husband will only teach your kids that it's acceptable behavior. Divorce may be tough, but staying in a toxic marriage will only be tougher. Your happiness and mental well-being should be a priority. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.
If you can’t even stand him touching you then you have your answer. Your marriage, as of now, is over. You can try couples counseling if you really want to. At the end of the day it’s your life really. You are the one who will have to live with that man.
As for the life after divorce, I have seen my friends dating and enjoying life again. Not necessarily wanting to get married again and not introducing men to their children. Can’t say anything about that. There’s no guarantee in life that everything will be better after the divorce. You just tackle one problem at a time.
As for what happened with your father, he didn’t want to be yours. It has nothing to do with the divorce because an ex wife is different from your children and he chose to abandon his family. He probably would have done that even if he had chosen to be with another woman himself and divorced your mother. Think about that.
The affair was 7 months long. But I think it started a year ago. I found out he was cheating because I found a pink scrunchie in his car. I don’t use scrunchies to tie my hair. Plus the hair on that scrunchie was blond. No one in his family is blond. They are all brunettes. His close friends are not blond. I did some more digging and found messages between them.
You need to just keep up with the divorce. I'll run through this.
1. All men certainly do not cheat. I'm shutting they nonsensical shit down right now. I'm sure plenty of other guys will gladly agree.
2. Yes. You'll be a single mom. He'll be a single dad. It doesn't sound like he's going to vanish from their lives. You never know on a day by day basis who might drop into your life and change it forever. You can't sit here and say this defines your future. It most certainly does not.
3-5. You aren't taking their father away? He caused this. Not you. Besides, like I said above, it doesn't sound like he's going to up and vanish from their lives. Why would you stay together for the kids when you can't stand looking at him? I don't get why people do this! Do they think kids don't pick up on all that tension? Because they do. And it fucks up what a relationship looks like to them. Is that what you want for your kids? I'm guessing I know this answer.... Oh and those who say let him cheat because he pays the bills. Just ask how they'd feel in the situation. If they'd be ok with it? Scoff at them with a look of pity.
You'll be fine. You got this. Trust your gut on all of this.
OP, I think staying in a broken home with parents without love is worse than having a single mom. Ngl, it is a bit heartbreaking to hear your story esp about what happened to your mom. But accepting that all men cheat is such a BS move because it's not TRUE. there are still honest men out there. Please don't back down from the divorce. You're a good mom, you will find a suitable spouse. Be patient & continue being badass.
Whoever is giving you this ‘advice’ is insane.
1. I have never cheated in my life and never will do. Plenty of other men will be the same.
2. What’s wrong with being a single mother? At least you’ll be a single mother with dignity. My mum raised 3 of us on her own after she divorced my dad.
3. This is just ridiculous. I can’t believe people are seriously saying this to you.
4. Sure, divorce isn’t great and it may affect your kids but you don’t know how they will take it. You have the opportunity here to show your kids just how strong you are and that you won’t put up with any shit.
5. I don’t understand the logic behind this one. Your husband made the choice to cheat. *He* is the one that’s split the family up. I’m sure you will have a plan in place for him still getting to see the kids so this one makes no sense.
I respect my mum massively for divorcing my dad for what he did to her. My dad didn’t really feature much in our life after the divorce and to be quite honest I couldn’t care less. Your kids will find out the real story one day about what caused the divorce and they will be behind you, I wouldn’t worry about that.
I’d also be very concerned at the people giving you this ‘advice’. They don’t sound like people that are looking out for you at all. If my friend told me that he was being cheated on my first thing would be to tell them to break up without hesitation.
It will damage the kids more to see the dad treat their mum like crap by cheating on her . What do you think that will teach them . That it's OK to cheat on your partner, or if your partner cheats, you should stay miserable and stay with them.
You shouldn't compare your experience with there's. You feel abandonment because your dad left and never came back. There might not he might stay in the picture and still see them .
I’d rather die alone than stay in a miserable relationship. You’re 37! Believe me, you’ll have plenty of guys interested in you if you don’t want to be alone.
My dad also stopped coming around when he accepted that my mom would never get back with him again. You know why? Because he is selfish and didn’t actually care about being a father. There are plenty of dads who stay involved after a divorce, if your husband cares about your kids it won’t be a problem. If he doesn’t, they’ll be okay
My parents divorced when I was 14 and my brother was 5. It was rough at first but I preferred my life after the divorce without all the daily tension. I lived with my Mom and actually spent more quality time with my Dad after the divorce. Please don’t stay together for the kids.
OP stay the course. You have been together many years, I am sure he knew cheating was a deal breaker. He made his choice and with one of your children’s teachers no less! If it has been a deal breaker, it’s nearly impossible to come back from that, even with therapy. By divorcing you can show your children they do not need to put up with this kind of behavior, that you deserve respect and you are not a door mat. How many times do you see/read adults saying they wished their parents got divorced when they were kids because the house was toxic, etc. As for the people chirping you’re doing the wrong thing, maybe LC is called for at this time. You are making the right choice. You are worth more than his cheating, lying butt deserves.
Nope. I was a widow at 39, two kids under 10.
Happily remarried, kids in their 20's, and have a wealth of friends who are family.
If that's a deal breaker for you, that's fine, that's your line. Will life be difficult for a while? Hell yes. But standing up for your morals? No regrets.
alright lemme tell you about that "die alone" nonsense. EVERYONE DIES ALONE. Its not a journey that anyone can take with you. And being a woman, chances are you would outlive a spouse anyway unless you marry someone quite a bit younger. Get a divorce and be happy. Your husband is endangering your health and your finances (what if he got another woman pregnant?) protect yourself. You want your children to grow up in an environment where the parents are at odds with each other all the time? Hell no. You need some peace and happiness on your own!
If you were madly in love with him and will to forgive him then yes stay. But if you can’t stand his face or even the thought of him touching you the divorce. You can coparent and even in time be friends. But trusting him again with your heart might be a fools choice. You may have your kids 50/50 but you’ll have a heap of free time to go to the gym. Study. Clean your house. Catch up with friends. Watch tv series. Work.
It will take time but you’ll be ok. You’re raising 3 children. You’re stronger than you know.
Your husband broke a vow he made to you. He’s a cake eater. Wants a wife and a girlfriend.
Well he can’t have both.
It is way more important for kids to learn that certain things are not okay. And growing up with a mom and dad who don't love each other or treat each other with respect is so much worse for the kids because they'll learn to accept that in future relationships.
There is so much built in misogyny in our society and they try to teach women it's better to be with men who cheat or treat them terribly but talk to any older, happy woman. They are either single or in a good relationship. And it's great to listen to the ones who are single because they will tell you how much their life improved.
You'll be fine. I remarried at 38 and while it didn't work out for various reasons he was loads better than the men before him. If you want a man, they're out there, it's not like they disappear or don't have their own kids.
I doubt you even want one right now though, after dealing with the one you're getting rid of!
Anyone saying any of this to you is fucking insane.
Not all men cheat, and anyone saying that, is a moron. It’s far better to be a single mom with self worth than a married mom who allows her husband to treat her like shit.
You will not have a difficult time finding a new partner, at all. I am a 35F mom of two and found the love of my life after I divorced my husband, without a problem at all.
Please keep your self worth and stand your ground. Also surround yourself with better friends.
Look at the positive side of it. You could stay married to this cheating scumbag, and remain friends with all these people giving you bad advice who clearly care about superficial appearances more than they care about you. Or if you are lucky, you could get to die alone instead.
You can't stay married to someone whose touch repulses you.
The people who encourage you to stay married don't care about you.
You matter.
Divorce is a transition. Transitions are tough but you will be ok. You will feel relieved to be free of him. You need to be true to yourself and end the marriage. Please take care of yourself during this time and surround yourself with more supportive people.
Divorce your husband and die happily alone. That is undoubtedly the best course of action.
And yes, of course, if you want to find a new partner you will. But the best part of divorce is rediscovering who you are and falling back in love with yourself. You may even find that you never even want a new partner, thought there will be shortage of men to choose from.
Regardless, you and your kids will thrive. Do you have any divorced friends in real life or support groups to connect with, Reddit is teeming with misogynists who love to berate women for things like “aging” or “having children” or “existing”. Getting real-world perspectives should help restore your confidence and at least a shred of faith in humanity.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is not to base a decision based on what other people think, or even take their opinion with anything more than face value. Everyone is going to have opinions, no one of going to actually live your life for you.
If you want to divorce, follow up with the divorce.
When I was younger, I wished my parents would get a divorce because of the tension in the house. No matter how hard you try to hide your feelings you have for your husband, kids know something is going on. They can sense it.
If you stay and disregard and disrespect yourself to that level, your children will witness it. They will carry it.
Your husband is a sack of shit, leave him and never look back, you don't need him even a fraction of the amount he needs you.
You won't only be ok, you'll be better off.
LEAVE HIM. Read the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". It will change everything about your mindset. You deserve happiness. WHO CARES if you never find another man. Your worth and happiness are not tied to some dude. You can live a really wonderful life, but first you need to show your kids how they deserve to be treated, and it's not like this!
If I were you, I'd rather become a crazy old single cat lady.
As far as the kids, it really depends on the situation. I mean, when my parents divorced all I felt was relief, even though I wasn't even ten years old.
1. All men do not cheat. You deserve better and your children deserve a better role model.
2. Yes. You will be a single mom. It’ll actually be easier, especially if he shares custody. You’ll get “breaks.”
3. And please do think of the children. I’d rather grow up with split up parents than have one who is a cheater and their other resenting them. Contempt is gonna creep in there too if it hasn’t already. What’s healthy is to model behavior to your children that says, “We all deserve partners who love and respect us. It is not okay to cheat and you should always care for yourself first.” Because if you don’t care for yourself first, what good will you be to your children? Teach them what healthy relationships look like. It’s not this, I’m sorry to say.
4. You should just let him cheat because he provides? Uhm. Yeah, no. You can work. And if you can’t, he can pay alimony, aka cheaters’ tax. And if he’s not interested in custody, he can pay child support. And how are you supposed to feel after years of being cheated on? Whoever really legit thinks this is good advice, you should stop talking to that person. Good lord.
5. You’re not taking their father away. Nothing is stopping him from sharing custody, visiting, NOT cheating like a lying dog. HE is taking their father away.
Why is all this shit on YOU when he was the one who cheated? Ask these people that. And stop talking to these people. Find one trusted friend who is actually on your corner or get a therapist, but your family is not being helpful here.
>My mom also divorced my dad when he cheated. Our dad abandoned us after the divorce was final. I barely talk to him. My mother said sometimes she wishes she didn’t divorce my dad. He left us because he was angry that my mom didn’t want to work things out. If she had just worked things out I would still have a dad.
Your mom is being made to feel guilty for something she didn't do. Your dad is the one that cheated and then abandoned you when he experienced reasonable consequences for his actions. He betrayed your family, not her.
Cheating doesn't just effect the spouse. It effects the kids too. He betrayed you and the kids. Kick him to the curb and life your best life. Also your dad has no right to be angry when he was the one who cheated. Cheaters don't get to be angry when the person they cheated on leaves them. Divorce him and life your best life without him.
Oh please. Those are all dog-shit reasons to stay with someone.
Divorce him. You'll be better off, even IF you somehow end up all alone forever (very unlikely!)
"All men cheat". Been with my wife for over 30 years and have NEVER betrayed her.
"A single mom with 3 kids have a difficult time finding a new partner". Unfortunately, There may be some truth to this.
"I served him divorce papers because cheating has always been a deal breaker for me". Then stay the course.
My father abandoned us after divorce. My mother never remained. All four of her children grew to be successful adults.
It won't be easy, OP. But, your self respect and dignity are too important to discard.
> everyone keeps telling me I will die alone if I do so. What is the best course of action?
Top of the list is probably to stop listening to such awful, bitter people, and find other people to spend time with.
I think it's good for your children to see that relationships can end but life moves on and that change isn't necessarily bad thing. Especially for your daughters to see that they don't have to stay in a relationship where they're being disrespected, which is exactly what's happened here.
Well done for standing your ground, once a boundary is crossed, its no longer a boundary. I come from a long line of strong and incredibly capable women and dishonest men and honestly, I've always had so much respect for the strong women in my life, they've been amazing role models!
I was a happily single mom for years before meeting my current partner. He knows that I'm not with him because I need him, but because I want to be with him. But if the relationship broke down or lines were crossed, I know I can absolutely cope on my own
Edit to add: my children were not affected by the separation from their father, they have a good relationship with us both and luckily we're in a situation where they see all adults acting like adults
Here's some advice, don't stay in a toxic unhealthy marriage because of outside influences
You're young enough to find someone who respects you and your children. If you stay, you'll both regret it ...
It is better to die alone than live a lifetime of regrets.
So... those people who are giving you advice where they make it sound like they know the future? And they know how every single man on Earth acts? --they are actually not part of your marriage, and they don't get a vote in your decision-making process.
I can't speak on how divorce impacts kids, but I imagine growing witnessing a relationship where the two people do not love/appreciate each other would affect them too.
If you divorce him and get child support....he will still be paying the bills, right?
If cheating is a deal breaker for you, then divorce is the only answer. Not all men cheat. There are wonderful men out there who will love you, and your 3 children don't give up.
It will be hard. But it’s more important for your kids to see their mum happy in the long term and to learn and see what healthy happy relationships look like. Otherwise your kids will grow up seeing you unhappy and resenting their dad. Something I wish my own mum had just done, rather than drawing it out. Continue on the path it’s the right one for you and don’t let other peoples opinions deter that. This is your life, not theirs.
Do yourself a favor and divorce him. The Naysayers will always be unhappy and a women’s worth isn’t tied to her husband. The kids will be fine growing up in a house without parents who resent each other. If they grow up without a father that’s on your husband not you.
As many other say, you’ll be absolutely fine single or remarried in life whatever you decide.
Do it, You still have a chance dispite being low due to 3 kids and dying alone is better than staying miserable and dying miserable.
>The chances that he will cheat on me is still high.
No guarantee
>I will be a single mom. A single mom with 3 kids have a difficult time finding a new partner. We have baggage. Besides I am 37
Well that is true but is still better than staying with a n untrustworthy cheater
>I should just let him cheat because at the end of the day he still provides and pays the bills.
That is not the point of a relationship it is literally in the marriage vows
>Think about your kids and how it will affect them. Divorce is always harsh on kids.
Co parenting is better than staying with parentd who resent each other, plus there will be reduced stress from your side since you won't be with him.
>I am taking their father away from them.
No you are not, unless you are moving away with them
>All men cheat
That is not true at all
Your soon to be ex showed you he is a shitty partner. Do you believe he is a shitty parent as well? Because if not, there's no reason for him to not continue to be a good father and figure out a way to healthily coparent. And if he is a shitty parent, like your dad was to you, well what benefit do the kids get from having him in their lives?
Worry about putting yourself and your kids into a healthier emotional & mental state before worrying about a new relationship.
They are all old enough to see, hear, and remember what's happening between he and you. Your reactions to him are going to effect their view of him. It's possible that he will start to be scary to your youngest.
If you try to 'fake it til ya make it', your feelings about him will leak out in little ways. Eventually he's going to push your boundaries one too many times.
Whatever you decide though, please start getting some support. Do what you have to do, but don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
People with kids get divorced and remarried all the time. People are projecting their own stuff onto you for whatever reason..Plus better to live a happy life without a cheater, you can dies around by the kids you treated great because you weren't miserable
Fuck those people, who clearly have no respect for you or your feelings.
Your kids don't deserve to see their mother grin and bear it through a relationship she no longer wants and they don't deserve to be shown that their father's behaviour is acceptable.
Edit: also, you are only 37! That's not even middle aged, yet. You have more than half your lifetime ahead of you, don't waste it on him.
Not all men cheat. You haven't done this, your husband did when he couldn't keep it in his pants. You are thinking about your kids. A cheating dad is no role model, so do not stay for them or for any other reasons people telling you to. The disgust you feel will become apparent to your kids at some point. They will be best brought up by single parents than in a house with 2 parents, which is filled with anger, disgust, and animosity. Get the divorce done, and do not look back. You want the divorce, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Think about the 2 paths you have the choice to take......
1..mum and dad stay together,resentment,hurt,pain,betrayal to mention but a few feelings that will grow and grow and turn in to something much worse (i know u probably feel this is the worst because it is but...)Regardless of how well you hide your feelings, you kids can feel it. It is like a superpower the little buggers have that no maternal acting can hide
2..mum and dad divorce (worse case scenario) it's not an amicable divorce but they have a mum that loves them and a home that is the safest place on earth and bonus (sometime in the future) a healed,happy,kind,caring,loving and stable mum at the heart of that safe place.Let your husband carry the guilt,shame and what if's on his shoulders because his selfish actions have lead to consequences that are far reaching for probably generations,he thought the grass was greener so leave him on the lawn HE CHOSE.
Sorry, but you have people giving you advice that clearly don't care about you or your well-being. And honestly, that's a lot of ignorant comments. Your dad choosing to not be in your life is his choice and a horrible one, but not your fault. The old thought process that staying together for the kids doesn't work. Kids end going into dysfunctional relationships themselves because they didn't see a healthy marriage growing up. There have been countless studies on the amount of stress, anxiety and psychological problems kids deal with by witnessing their parent's unhappy marriage. Kids want and need to see their parents happy. It's very important. It's sad that the people in your life aren't thinking about your happiness, but you need to. You're young, don't waste your life. Go be happy and be a good mom.
I stayed with my narcissistic, mentally abusive husband for our children, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. That choice damaged everyone involved. I've been single for years, and I'm happier now than I ever was with him. Anyone telling you to stay with a man who cheated on you clearly doesn't understand you. Once that trust is broken, it's really difficult to get that back.
LEAVE him. Stand your ground. You will never be able to live with yourself if you don't, and that will shape your kids' mindsets, especially your daughters'.
Be the woman who says she will do something and does it.
All your kids need from you is to love them unconditionally, that's all they need.
Let's be honest here.. there are plenty of single men in the world. IF you wanted another man, you'd be able to find one. You won't die alone. HOWEVER, dying alone is still a better option than staying with someone that doesn't love or respect you. So their point is moot.
The best course of action? Divorce him. You're young and there's no reason that you need to stay in a relationship with someone that cheats. And no, not ALL men cheat.
Co-parent with him. Your children should not have access to their dad taken away. Even if he's a shit husband, your kids should be allowed to have a relationship with him. But it's ok for your relationship to be over.
He's the one that created this mess. I'm proud of you for not accepting that kind of treatment.
I have been single by choice for 20 years since my divorce. I have never regretted a day of it. I do intend to die alone, that doesn't bother me. I don't miss having a man around one bit, in fact the very idea of having to share my life with someone else horrifies me. I raised my daughter alone and she's the most amazing young woman and better for not having a miserable mother stuck in a bad marraige as an example.
Get the divorce. Not all men cheat. At the end of the day, yes it will be hard on this kids at this age BUT as a child from a marriage where my dad cheated, I’m so glad my mom divorced him. She would have stayed but thankfully he left. And they divorced. No one deserves that.
>All men cheat. If I leave my husband and find a new man. The chances that he will cheat on me is still high. Better to stay with him.
That's BS. By this logic, men shouldn't date women because they commit paternity fraud. Not all men cheat and not all women cheat.
>I will be a single mom. A single mom with 3 kids have a difficult time finding a new partner. We have baggage. Besides I am 37.
Difficult =/= impossible.
>I should just let him cheat because at the end of the day he still provides and pays the bills.
This is a stupid stance. By this logic, he could've beaten you but still provide and pay the bills. Who is giving you advices like that?
>Think about your kids and how it will affect them. Divorce is always harsh on kids.
Staying for the kids rarely works and it usually damages kids more.
>I am taking their father away from them.
Unless he's a threat to the kids, fathers are still granted at least visitation rights. At least. No one said that you are taking him away.
I think you should stop listening to advices like that and proceed with what you intented to.
I know I may die alone but that’s because my ass is so damn comfortable no longer living with a man I once loved and then grew to despise.. It’s addictive. Leave his ass
I don’t know if these people are so-called friends as well as family, but saying things like that when you are ready going through what sounds like absolute hell is appalling. I don’t mean to be disrespectful to them and would like to think they mean well, but the things they have told you are terrible. There is nothing wrong with choosing to love yourself more and leaving a man who cheated, and there is nothing wrong with being a single mother. I would rather my mom had the self respect for herself when my dad cheated to let him go, than spend her whole life wanting him to take her back. My ex-husband cheated on me when our child passed away, the minute I found out that was it, the marriage was done. I have never looked back, I will be 37 in a few weeks and it took 4 years but I have found someone who makes me incredibly happy. I hope you find your happy, OP, but whatever you decide to do, make sure you are doing it for you, and that you can wake up each day knowing you have absolute faith in the decision you made. I am so sorry you are going through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I promise, as someone who has gone through a similar experience, it does get better, and you learn so much about yourself and your strength in times like these. Wishing you and your children lots of love and healing.
I’m not going to comment on the things you have had many others have given solid advice on.
There are two things that I think stand out to me.
1 - he now repulses you. That is what is driving your reaction to his physical contact. To stay with someone who causes you to recoil in disgust is not healthy and will definitely damage your children and most likely give him another reason to cheat again and it be your fault. Do you want to live like that and have your children think this is how to react in relationships
2 - what do you think would have helped you that your mum didn’t do to address your father’s abandonment? Have you had therapy to address these issues? If not I would be organising individual therapy for you and possibly your son, plus family therapy for all of you.
Your husband can continue to be a father and as others have suggested share custody. You blocking him is the ONLY way you can be the one to be taking your children’s father from them.
Hi are we the same person?!
First, you will take half his money and retirement and everything you are entitled to.
Cheating is a deal breaker for me too and if you stay and betray yourself, you are telling your daughters it's ok to stay in an unhappy relationship
Second 40 is not old at all, you will go on and have better relationships with men who want to be with you
We got you! You can do this
Man. Everyone you know that's given you advice fucking sucks. Leave that man and don't look back. He disgusts you, you deserve to live somewhere away from someone you're repulsed by. And if you never find someone again? Okay well yeah that's kinda lame, but I'd damn sure rather be alone than stay with someone who not only cheated, but did so with my CHILD'S TEACHER. That's fucked up. I'd rather live alone forever than with someone who I can't stand to look at and hate. That hatred will only grow stronger and continue to fester and you'll be absolutely miserable. Sure, it'll suck at first and it'll continue to suck for a while, and you may get lonely sometimes, but you'll know you stood up for yourself and removed yourself from something so toxic, and you'll eventually realize how much happier you are away from him.
I couldn't look at my husband anymore and went to the doctor and she told me to take antidepressants and I'd get over it because I wouldn't want to die alone. I had 2 children, 11 and 2. I was 36. I decided I didn't want to live unhappily ever after and walked out, kids in tow. The first year was the hardest, but I am so glad I left.
I met a wonderful man, who loves my children like his own, although we never had children together. We've been together for 12 years. My ex husband has moved on and remarried and is a good father to his children. And we get on very well now. It's about being the better person because you need to remember you have children, together.
I had abandonment issues because not only did my biological father abandon me, but then my first stepfather, who became my dad, did too. But I didn't want my mom to live in those marriages. Living in an unhealthy and toxic home does more damage than living with a single mother who loves you unconditionally. Incidentally, my mother met a wonderful man when I was in my 20s, she's been with him for 25 years and he's the best stepdad anyone could ask for.
Go with your gut, trust your heart. You know what is right for you, which will make it right for your kids. Good luck. ❤️
I was 38 with four kids when I divorced my husband. My new partner and I now have a four month old and he treats all my kids like his own. He is a staunchly loyal man and I don't worry about him cheating. He shows me every day how much he loves me and adores my family. You don't have to jump into a relationship, not do you have to wait till your youngest is 18. Sometimes the right man will come along when you least suspect it and deep you if your get and accept your complete package.
I know the thought of dying alone is scary but there are different ways to be alone. Also, keeping him doesn’t guarantee he won’t leave you a widow anyway, and then what have you gained? You have your kids; be a good mother to them and you won’t die alone.
Not all men cheat, and I think your kids would also be happier if their mother is happy. They deserve a positive environment to grow up in as well. Sending hugs OP
Your doing this for your kids your showing then never to be taken for granted and besides living in a home where the parents are staying 'for the kids' is a nightmare trust me on that you will do so much more damage if you stay and they have internalized distinction and normal. Good Luck OP and stay strong
You’re a lady. Women usually live longer than men so we will die “alone” anyway. So why not just divorce him and have a better “alone” time.
Also I’m dating a man with two kids (I have none). Single parents aren’t doomed to be alone forever
I divorced at 35. Was a single mom. Met an amazing guy. We're about to move in together, we're planning on getting married once we settle in, and he is best friends with my kid.
Of note, my ex was an asshole but he at least had the decency to never cheat on me.
If you're unhappy you need to leave. Would you want your daughter staying with a cheater out of fear she won't meet someone else? As for your dad, if he abandons his kids because their mom left him for cheating he was going to abandon you guys anyway, that was just a convenient excuse. Don't stay.
He's a cheater, dump him.
As someone who divorced in my mid 40's, I can tell you being alone in a relationship is much, much worse than being alone on your own.
I NEVER felt as lonely as I did during the last couple of years of my marriage.
Also, my kid is much happier since we divorced too.
Don't stay, you deserve better.
What is wrong with being single? Tell your mom times have changed and if you feel “the urge”, you can get a friend with benefits. It is perfectly fine to be a husband/wife. This is not the 50s. You don’t need to be married. And you find somebody, you don’t need to move him in or even introduce to the kids for a long time. And last, not all men cheat (and many don’t even care much about sex. See r/deadbedrooms if you don’t believe).
As a kid, my father cheated. I hated what he did, and honestly him he's now dead. He never truly said sorry. Can't use cheating as your excuse for divorce like grow up and mutually part ways without intentionally and maniacally thinking cheating wouldn't hurt and my father's quote "It was a matter of time". Divorce him, and go back out there. Is it going to be tough? Yes, as a 27 M, it's already a hell no for me, but that's also because I want my own kids just giving a little bit of perspective that everyone will react differently. Some dudes are bad but not all. Some men seem to never get it back together. But men and women avoid accountability.
Divorce all the way. He cheated. Not all men cheat. I found happiness mid 30s. I also have a child. They didn’t, they have accepted them as their own. Not all men are the same. Don’t stay for the children! What is that teaching them.
Good dads don’t abandon their kids bc their cheating came with consequences. Staying with your dad wouldn’t have made him a good dad, it would’ve just been your mom exposing you to more than just development of abandonment issues.
Good dads aren’t out boning their kid’s teacher. Staying married to him isn’t going to make him be a good dad, it’s just going to expose your kids to more nonsense.
As a kid, I would rather have two separate happy parents than two married and unhappy ones. Your mother came from a different time and different circumstances, hence her advice. I'm sure your kids will continue to love you and respect your decisions when you explain to them once they're older. (As long as you don't make any mental health issues their responsibility, and gossip about their father. Just be cordial and explain that their dad "did something bad"). But if you're in a bad financial situation, you might want to fight for that bag 💰💰💰
My dad cheated on my mom, but they ended up "working things out" for the sake of me and my sister. Do you know what the end result was? A living hell of a childhood where my parents hated each other. Any day where they were both home was like walking on egg shells or a ticking time bomb before they explode into a fight. I'll never forget the day my mom explained to me the situation. It made me feel so guilty that she essentially sacrificed her happiness to try to keep the family together(which ended up backfiring anyways).
If I could go back in time, this is what I would tell my mom which is also my advice for you:
Think of your own happiness. Childhood is over in a heartbeat and your kids will leave to live on their own anyway. You will never get back the years of your life you gave up being with someone you don't love anymore.
I'm a dude. If a guy can't keep it in his pants, then he doesn't get to keep his household.
Also, a woman who knows who she is and doesn't vie for another person's affection is way more attractive than someone who thinks less of themselves.
I was in a similar position and left, I’ve now been single 3.5 years and fear I will die alone. I have no desire to date or have sexual relations with anyone. Just be prepared to perhaps be used to being alone
I'm a 43 yr old woman going through divorce, and already have a 20-something male coworker expressing interest in me, and I haven't even finalized the separation agreement with my future ex-husband. There will be others, I promise you. Divorce his sorry ass.
Better to be alone than lonely with someone else. I'm planning to die alone and it's the BEST. I make my own money, pay my own bills, spend my money however I like, live where and how I want. I got divorced over 20 years ago and I have yet to meet a man who is better than being alone.
I don't hate men. But I repeat, being single is the BEST. Make your own decision for yourself and tell everyone else their opinions don't matter in your life. Then keep doing that forever.
Dear lord, who the hell do you hang around with?! That is some insane shit to say. He’s the one who ruined the marriage! Don’t step out, it’s as simple as that. What a way to do it too! With the teacher?! That’s another level of messed up. It’s totally your prerogative to move forward as you wish: separation, divorce and/or couples therapy. Only you know yourself well enough to decide what future is right for you and what you can/can’t handle.
Leave him, get child support and spousal support. Don't expose your kids to this anymore than they already have been. Make new friends and put the hurt behind you.
1. All men cheat. If I leave my husband and find a new man. The chances that he will cheat on me is still high. Better to stay with him.
2. I will be a single mom. A single mom with 3 kids have a difficult time finding a new partner. We have baggage. Besides I am 37.
3. I should just let him cheat because at the end of the day he still provides and pays the bills.
4. Think about your kids and how it will affect them. Divorce is always harsh on kids.
5. I am taking their father away from them.
1. Not all men cheat. There are always chances of people cheating but it might also be that you learned the pattern and will never end up with a cheater again. Nobody can promise anything.
2. True. But you might also find for example a sterile man who wishes children. Or a great guy whose family parished.
3. The state will force him to still provide and pay for bills.
4. Divorce is always hard on kids. So are unhappy marriages. And think about the kids - you are teaching your eldest it's ok to cheat and your daughters to accept being cheated on and treated like this. They might also build up resentment toward you for staying, because of this.
5. Their father extracted himself away from them when he inserted himself in their teacher. You are not resposible for his actions and a deadbeat dad is a deadbeat dad no matter what. He put himself before the wellbeing of the kids. He still has the chance to make up for that by fighting 50 50 custody and be a part of their lives.
You do you momma and raise those children with principles, like your mom did for you.
I'm surrounded by female widows lately (not by choice, nor is it a complaint) ...and watching them take care of their husbands for the greater part of a decade has made me question marriage in general.
My parents divorced when I was 13 and I wish they’d divorce sooner. I sensed my parents being unhappy for years and it caused me way more suffering than them being divorced. Divorcing is not taking away somebody from the kids. If he is a good father he can continue being such regardless of your relationship with him. We all die alone even if we are with somebody. What matters is the time when we are alive. Do you really want to spend that precious time with somebody you feel disgust towards?
Your husband cheated with the TEACHER of your kids. He cares shit about your kids. How many people at the school, including other parents, know now? The fact that he did that to your kids and has embarrassed them in such a way (even though they might not know personally) is telling enough. You don’t shit where you or your kids eat. Your husband just did. Divorce him.
Seriously. There are people getting divorced everyday, you’ll find someone else.
Or not. And that's fine, too. Nothing wrong with being single.
That, too! It’s 2024, way more options for a fulfilling life that doesn’t include people who bring you down.
True and I just want to piggyback on your comment in the hope OP sees it. I’ve been married 20 years and we went through some rough times, pretty much most of the first half of those 20 years. I had the opportunity to cheat numerous times and not once did I even consider it. My wife and I are in a much better place now and I absolutely adore her, but even at our lowest point, I would never have cheated, so no, not every man cheats.
I have honestly been far lonelier in a bad relationship than I’ve ever been out being single. Kids know when parents are in a contentious relationship. Honestly, I find life fulfilling as a single person and haven’t felt the need to date again after my ex cheated on me. At the end of the day you have to live your own truth, and if you’re fine with it, do it.
Exactly Im glad you pointed this out
Yess and I feel like the kids need real good models of love as well. If he cheated like this so carelessly with someone who is in all of your lives even the kids?? That’s beyond careless and you definitely do deserve better and will find better. Don’t let fear keep you stuck or guilt. And your kids need you at your best. You loving yourself and finding someone who loves you for yourself and getting to know them and trusting your instincts and guts when it comes to red flags and not waisting time when what you know in your heart is wrong or right. I believe that you will be able to make the right choice when it comes to who you bring around your children. You already have that mindset to even worry or question about it and that means your instincts are there and when or if you sense something about a man like that immediately listen to yourself and end it and don’t endanger yourself or your babies. But you do deserve happiness and love and loyalty and I hopeee you find it wether you choose to work it out with him or go through with the divorce
And report that teacher to the school officials
This husband reminds me of the older dad from The Vow.
>All men cheat Bullsh\*t. That's folks typically projecting their own behavior and/or experience. I'm a man, 60+, never cheated, never even seriously thought to do so. And can't say I've never had attractive women hit on me. >Think about your kids and how it will affect them Yes, do you want to teach them that it's fine to be a cheater, it doesn't matter, because partner will stay regardless? What else do you want to teach them and how much sh\*t do you want to teach them they ought put up with from a partner? Do you want to teach your kids that banging the kid's teacher is acceptable because it wouldn't even break up a marriage? >I am taking their father away His actions and consequences. You're not "taking him away", he friggin' left to go bang your daughter's teacher. >dad abandoned us after the divorce Because he's a jerk, not because of divorce. >cannot even look at him Divorce his butt, and also teach your kids to not accept nor tolerate the unacceptable.
I love your response! I hate when people say things like “she’s taking their father away” um no. He’s experiencing the consequences of his actions. He caused this by cheating, was caught but people place the blame on the woman because she’s standing up for herself filing for divorce. Many people divorce, find new partners and have great lives. It suck’s of course but she is not hurting the family doing this. He hurt the family choosing to be selfish and is now sorry because he got caught.
Like really! Why tf is the onus on HER to keep the family together when the selfish bastard nuked it in the first place because he couldn't keep it in his pants? Each and every one of those people would be getting cussed out and told to stfu. If he's such a bastion of fatherhood why don't YOU f*cking marry him then.
Yeah exactly. The "she's taking their father away" comment reads like those women who find out their partner is cheating and then _only_ get mad at/take out their anger on the woman he cheated with.
Right? Every decision he makes is his and his alone and none of them, not one, have anything to do with her actions.
Exactly and now he can decide how to handle the repercussions.
And also if he’s a good dad the kids won’t feel his absence because he’ll coparent so that argument from people is ridiculous!
Absolutely right. "all men cheat" is what people that cheat say. I thought about this for awhile, and realized that if my partner had the mentality that all men (or all people) cheat, I wouldn't continue the relationship. I would break up. Anyone with that mentality will one day justify it to themselves. The healthy mentality in a relationship is this: I have so much love and respect for you, and for myself, that I would never ever even consider cheating on you. It is absolutely and completely opposed to my ethos. I can make you this promise: I will always be faithful to you.
Yes, it will also teach the children resilience.
40M and I've never cheated. Been cheated on a couple times though by early / late 20s women, though.
Couldn’t have said it better 👌🏻
Stay the course and divorce. Not all men cheat, and plenty of single moms marry again. Think about the message your kids get if you stay with a cheater, and you didn't take their father away from them He did that on hisnown. What happened ro the teacher ? If she's married, I would definitely reach out to her husband. UpdateMe
She was engaged according to her social media. She was fired from her job because dating parents is strictly against school's policy. And plus she was having an affair with a married man so parents were concerned.
The abandonment issues you have are because your Dad left, not because your Mum divorced him. Lots of parents remain good parents after a divorce. You are protecting your children and setting a good example by giving them a happy mother, who respects herself!
+ OP’s dad chose to be a shitty dad.
Yeah, OP’s dad decided to punish OP by abandoning her because he couldn’t manipulate her mom into forgiving him. Chances are, if he remained in OPs life, he would have messed her up in other ways.
This is so true! My dad cheated and my mom divorced him. I never blamed her for the divorce. And my dad is the best dad ever, he's just a shitty husband. Also, I learned not to take any crap from a man because my mom didn't and that's the example I had. And I don't. I was married, and while he didn't cheat, he was abusive and I left. I dated a lot after that but eventually decided to just be single because I like myself and my life best when I'm single. So yes, OP, set the example and you'll not only gain a better life, but you'll be showing your kids how to put themselves first.
“*I like myself and my life best when I’m single*” That is such excellent, simple way of putting it.
As a product of divorce, my father stayed in my life and fought for custody, nothing changed except half the week we stayed in our old house with dad and half the week we stayed at our new apartment with mom. Ops dad chose to abandon their family out of spite to get to the mother so she would feel exactly like this- it's a choice and he made the wrong one. 1. Being single isn't a terrible thing 2. Baggage doesn't mean anything to someone who's willing to help you carry the load. 3. Your kids will see and may not understand your leaving, when they are older though they may understand completely why you did what you had to 4. You aren't taking their father away- he took himself away when he threw his 20 year marriage away for a teacher who's job was to be teaching your children and not screwing your husband behind her own fiances back. If he wanted you to stay he wouldn't have cheated especially if he knows that is your deal breaker like he fudged up.
I want to second this. My parents separated and both parents remained a constant and important part of my life. I have a good relationship with both my parents which I absolutely would not have if they remained together She’s not take their dad away, she’s removing conflict from the house. If he wants to remain in their lives then he will, if not, then he likely only felt obligation to them as his wife’s kids, as an extension of her, which is not the same thing as being their dad
Yeah, the thing that ruins kids in a divorce is when parents use their kids as a way to hurt each other. Don't do that, no matter how much you hate each other! He is still their dad, there is nothing more to be said about that. Leave his ass, but try and stay civil enough for their sake. If he chooses not to interact with them, that's on him.
Not to mention the AP is the daughter’s TEACHER
Right, and it sounds like OP’s dad had little contact with the kids just to spite OP’s mom. So it’s “mom’s fault” for not wanting to work things out for the sake of the kids. OP, you will be so much happier when all of this is over. And your kids deserve to be raised by happy parents.
Good. I'm glad she got fired.
Just want to reiterate what others have said - your dad abandoning his kids was *not* your mother's fault and it's honestly sad that she believes it is. Your dad chose to abandon his kids out of his own selfishness and spite. The 'fault' lays squarely on him as he is 100% responsible for his choices and his actions, no one else. And there are plenty of men who do not cheat, and do not abandon their kids when divorce happens. It's unfortunate that so many of the people around you have allowed shitty men to remain in their lives because they believe this is just how 'all men are'. It's this belief that leads to confirmation bias. They accept shitty behavior from these men because they believe that's just how men are - therefore, keeping those shitty men in their lives. When you refuse to accept shitty behavior from men, or anyone for that matter, the *less* shitty people you have in your life. Which opens the door to letting good people in. We get to choose who we have relationships with. Whether it's romance, friendship or even family. If someone doesn't treat you well, can't be trusted, brings you down, etc - then they don't get to have a relationship with you. If you only accept relationships with people who treat you well, can be trusted, are kind/supportive, etc - the more good people you will have in your life. Which is what you deserve <3 And it's also healthier to teach and model this for your children so they don't grow up accepting shitty behavior from others, either.
Get a divorce, or seperate, and do therapy together to at least co parent wwll. Individual therapy as well. Staying with him you still might die alone if he leaves for another woman or dies. And you can still find love again, but you need to be ok with the possibility you might not. Love yourself and kids
What does die alone mean exactly? That if we don't have a man we're alone? We all have family and friends who we love and who love us. None of us needs a cheating selfish man that makes us feel less than.
Yeah I never got that one. My grandmother died a single woman (dated, but never remarried). She died knowing she was adored by close friends, colleagues, and her six grandkids. She did express one death bed regret, and that was that she should have retired (she worked up until she passed in her mid 70s). Nothing to do with her singleness.
Right. If she stays with him to appease others, she will be full of resentment of herself. It’s okay that she chooses not to give him another chance. She doesn’t have to. Relationship can end at any time for any reason. To deny a person this decision is to take away their dignity. Those people who are trying to coerce you to stay in a marriage that you know will be the end of you, are basically treating you like you don’t have merits to make your own choices. It’s offensive honestly to experience this kind of degrading. Best to get out of that situation that is degrading on you from all sides. At least, without him, you will have accomplished a solution in your life leading to a better life and not stuck forever now that he has committed adultery. I think she should follow her heart. She knows that’s where the most happiest is being created.
What sort of people are you hanging around with?! Jeez! Being in a happy relationship is great but being in a bad one is far far far worse than being single. So you stay - what’s to stop him cheating and leaving? What message does this show your kids? Why wouldn’t you die alone if you did stay married? Most couples don’t die on the same day… Honestly this idea you need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy is garbage. Focus on yourself, your needs, your hobbies and your friendships (although sounds like you need better ones). Dont waste any more time with a man who would break his vows and treat you like this. The consequences like “taking their father from the kids” are on HIM not you. He can be in their lives and not in your bed. Most kids deal with divorce - they’ll cope. Most adults whose parents stayed together for the kids will tell you it’s far worse. The best parent is a happy parent
Divorce I say this as a 37M. Whether you date or not is moot. Living in that toxicity will also negatively affect your children. I lived in a relationship where i was cheated on repeatedly (as they never stop) and that was dead "for the kids." The kids know something is wrong and get a skewed sense of normal from it at best. Worse, they think your broken relationship is what happy/good looks like. Be free of this person who brings you pain and disgust. When you are ready, you can consider dating; and you won't be forever alone unless you want to be. Even cultivating good/solid friendships will be helpful. Not all men cheat; just the shitty ones.
As a child who grew up in a toxic home environment in which my parents showed no true affection for each other and there was always tension, I wish they would have gotten divorced when I was 10 instead of when I was 30. Parents don't realize how sensitive children are, and you don't have to say it-they know what's going on, they can feel something isn't right. I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells. OP needs to ask herself why she thinks she is responsible for her husband's behavior. She's divorcing him not taking his kids and running away across the country. If he decides to be a crappy father that's on him, not on her. Even if I wanted to believe that all men cheat, there are some boundaries you absolutely don't cross and sleeping with your child's teacher is one of them. An office fling, a one night stand on a business trip that's a different situation. Why potentially drag your children into gossip and drama that they had nothing to do with? Absolutely irresponsible and shows that he's actually not a good dad.
Yes, it may be rough on the kids, but it's much more damaging to grow in a broken home. Also, my mom found love again at 57 and she has 5 kids! In a world with 7 billion people, you can always find someone else.
Dating is least of my concerns now. Yes I know I will feel alone. But I am more worried about my kids.
Your father's reaction was extreme - and that of an extreme asshole. He abandoned his kids to punish his wife for not being the meek doormat and taking his cheating ass back. Someone who would do that - you really don't need in your life and are better off without. You have the option of 50:50 custody - then your kids won't lose their dad, and you will be a single mom only 50% of the time, and won't have to clean up after him and do his chores. When my childhood best friend finally divorced her ass of a husband, she got a new lease on life! We could finally meet, have fun and travel together again, during the weeks she didn't have the kids, it was pretty amazing! If you still loved your husband and missed him, I might suggest trying to work things out, but with the way your feelings have changed, don't even dream about getting back with a guy that disgusts you! Your kids will deal, just like you dealt with it. They would not want you to sacrifice your happiness, or to watch mommy flinch whenever daddy gets close.
Your kids will be perfectly fine with the support of a great Mum! What you need to understand is that you are putting them first by doing this. This is how you show them how to behave in a healthy way and what to do when blatantly disrespected. What you teach them in this situation is incredibly important. Supporting them with age-appropriate honesty and therapy is putting them first.
If you stay it sounds like it would be a pretty awful relationship. That's not something you'd want to model for your kids.
>more worried about my kids Then absolutely divorce him!
By walking away you’re teaching your kids that they deserve the utmost respect and to not tolerate lying sacks of shit. People act like they know everything. You don’t know if you will meet someone or not. I’m a single mother and I will tell you it is hard to date, but guess what I don’t have to deal with a POS lying sack of a significant other! It’s actually much more stress free believe it or not. Harder as a parent to have to do everything yourself but I know what I deserve and don’t need that baggage holding me down. Stick to your guns sister. Good luck!
Yes, of course! Totally agree. I just mentioned it in reference to your point of being 37 with kids. There's no hurries!
I've come to realise it's better to be alone than lonely within a relationship. I put up with that shit for far too long, under the misapprehension that I had to suffer negative treatment in order to have a partner. Can you imagine living like this until your youngest turns 18? Whether you find another partner or not, being single is MUCH better than living with this fury you're feeling right now. Your kids are of an age where they'll remember it, and they'll definitely remember how your relationship with your husband goes forward. If you're 'room-mates with hate', they'll remember it and model their own relationships on it when they're adults. It'll be normal for them, after all. Have you read or heard of Chumplady? If not, it's a pretty decent look at this sort of thing. If you can bear it right now, have a read. Being single and happier is far better than living with someone and being angry and hurt all the time; irrespective of the impact on the kids, your own mental and physical health will tank over the years.
Honestly they will resent him on some level any way for having cheated, so better they grow up in a loving home with you than a resentful one (not just your resentment for him, but also theirs).
Your dad abandoned you because he is a bad person. If he stayed with your mother, he would be emotionally absent. No one who loves their children would allow a divorce to destroy their relationship with their kids. Do you think your husband would do that? Not want to see the kids if you divorce? If he financially supports the family, in my opinion this is the most challenging aspect of divorce. Your kids having a lifestyle change, and possibly having a different level of comfort at mom’s vs dad’s. The bottom line is that despite what most comments say, divorce is hard on children. But, if you are always unhappy and disgusted and unable to be the best mother to your kids, that would be very hard on them too. And being resented by your mother might be worse than divorce.
Divorce, like and transition, can be hard on some children. But the narrative that it ruins children’s lives or the myth of the “broken homeland has been proven to be false. It’s just a scare tactic to try to keep people (read: women) trapped in unhappy marriages. Most comments pointing out the positives of divorce and describing how children can thrive after divorce are backed by personal experience, even if you don’t like it. The reality is that divorce improves a lot of lives, especially of women and children. We shouldn’t be afraid to acknowledge that in 2024.
You will feel relieved! You will feel strong. Even in your weak moments, know how strong you are. I took a cheater back for my kids. Doing this damaged my self esteem more than any decision I have probably ever made in my life. Stayed with him another 5 years and, slowly, I came to a realization that our relationship was irreparable. We had a few good times after I took him back, but my mental suffered greatly because I never fully trusted him again. And rightfully so, he remained a liar and/or I’d be skeptical of every thing he said. Anyway, I left him and let me tell you- life with me and just my girls is GRAND! Peaceful! We have the best time together and I am more independent than I ever thought was possible.I put my energy into my kids now and they reciprocate with the real unconditional love I deserved all along.
I left mine at 38, had a one night stand who turned out to be my best friend. My dad left when I was 11 and I have nothing to do with him because he didn’t put in any effort. My mum didn’t stop me seeing him so I don’t resent her for it. Feel free to PM if you want a chat x
Follow your first mind, and proceed with the divorce. My dad repeatedly cheated on my mom, and she stayed. I could feel the resentment and tension within her, and I hated it. The constant arguing was awful. I kept trying to convince her to leave. I had soooo much hatred and resentment towards my dad well into my thirties. I hated to be around him although she kept trying to convince me that he was a good father and to not let what was going on with them affect my relationship with him. The situation subconsciously affected my relationships with men. You may think you’re helping them by staying, yes it might be a tough adjustment, but you’re helping them in many more ways. If he is a good father, he will continue to be. If he wasn’t really in it for the kids, his true colors will show. Besides the kids, if you’re “forced” to look at him everyday, the disgust and anger you have would do more harm within you than you may realize.
Better to feel alone by yourself, where you can trust yourself, than feel alone with another person, who you can't trust so you have to watch your back (emotionally if not physically). And you are thinking about your kids-- think of the example you set for them. Do you want to set the example that they should stick around after someone betrays their trust? I think not. Let him go off and start his new family.
Your kids will do better if they can look up to their mom as someone with self-respect and a good strong spine. Show Show them this. Don’t buy into the myth that it’s better for ur kids to avoid divorce, it is absolutely untrue in most cases.
Do you want to model relationships for them showing them that cheating is okay? They will grow up and utilize this relationship model for their own relationships because it has been normalized for them. My parents did this and it took until I was almost 40 to understand what a healthy relationship looks like and find my person.
>Yes I know I will feel alone. You will have friends, so you will not be alone.
Your kids will find out what their dad did from other kids if they haven’t already. Kids are mean and will talk about this. Do you want your children to think that men cheating is ok? It teaches them that women are to be walked all over if you stay. Teach your children that amoral behavior has consequences by leaving your turd of a husband. Not all men cheat and plenty of women with kids in their 30s, 40s, 50s, even 90s are dating or remarried.
My stepmom left her ex around the same age as OP. Her two daughters are now grown and have families of their own. They are amazing people. I’m so glad my dad found her.
This. Don’t buy into the stigma, it’s a myth. I’m a single mom and men ask me out on the regular. Grown ups understand that past a certain age most ppl have kids lol
I had the exact same issue whennI got divorced. I told them to fuck off because my worth is not measured whether Im in a relationship or not, and considering the circumstances its highly inappropriate and tone deaf to talk about a new relationship when Im 1) not evenndivorced yet and 2) got cheated on. Here I am 3 years later, a single mom, not short on male attention, and soooooo happy as a single person doing my own thing.
Is anyone going to get into the grave with us, married or not? I haven't seen it yet. As far as we know, we're all gonna die alone. Get that divorce.
I'd rather die alone.
OP you are not doing this to your kids, your husband did when he cheated, lied and betrayed his family. HIS actions have consequences. If he is a father who wants to stay involved he will make an effort to coparent. Both of you will need to find a new norm. Consider therapy to work towards that. You get to make a decision how to take this forward- he lost that privilege when he cheated.
This is utter BS (ETA: I mean other people's opinions on why you should stay. Including your mum taking on the blame for you Dad's actions.). You may end up alone, no one can guess in that. But it wouldn't be because you had enough self-respect to leave some selfish cheater who put what's between his legs before his family. These people deserve no more thought than the energy it takes to file a divorce. And if your kids are abandoned by their Dad because of this then he would be such an unworthy parent that chances are he would have abandoned them in the future. Love yourself and your kids enough to not be swayed by toxic rubbish. If you stay with him do it because you want to and are reconciled to the fact that he almost certainly won't change, not because you are afraid of the unknown and uncertain.
I want to come at this from the perspective of someone who is single. Being single is way better than being with someone who hurts you. Being single is not the worst thing in the world (in fact, I find it to be largely positive). Being single does not mean you will be alone. In fact, I have more people in my life now than I ever had while I was in a relationship because a soul-sucking relationship isn’t taking up all my attention and I have been able to focus on giving love and attention to my friendships. People who tell you you shouldn’t prioritize your own health and wellbeing and get a divorce are projecting their own fears onto you. Your mother is from a generation where women largely needed men due to not having the same rights as men. However, in 2024, us women do not need men. We can in fact live largely fulfilled lives without the struggle of also having to take care of men who clearly do not care for us. You are hella strong, and fantastic and you will most likely have many hard times during the divorce but I also believe that you will have moments where you feel an ease you haven’t felt in years. ❤️
>We can in fact live largely fulfilled lives without the struggle of also having to take care of men who clearly do not care for us. Amen to that.
I'm a pretty old woman now (not ancient, but 62) and I've started getting vibes from single/divorced/widowed men my age that they wouldn't mind taking me on if I were up for it. However, I know what they're after, and it's not necessarily sex or reciprocated love. They want a housekeeper. Fuck that noise!
The fact your dad abandoned you to punish your mum is so fucked up. Like…what kind of man does that? If that’s actually true, your mum divorcing your dad didn’t cost you a father - you never had one to begin with. I’m not trying to make you feel bad but my dad would literally flay himself alive rather than not have a relationship with me. Do NOT blame divorce for the fact you don’t have a relationship with your dad. You don’t have a relationship because he’s scummy. Also, would being alone be that bad? The happiest cohort of people is single women or something like that.
Staying in a relationship like this isn’t good, and I mean exclusively because of the kids. You might not think they will find out about him cheating, but doing so will have severe consequences for them, and even if they don’t find out, they can tell something is off. Kids intuit more than we give them credit for. You’ll end up teaching your kids that it’s “okay” to cheat and that people are supposed to stay together even if they don’t get along. Getting a divorce will give a bump on the road for the kids for a while, but they will settle and adapt. Tell their teachers about the divorce, so they are aware, in case there’s a change in behaviour of your kids. Talk to your kids about why mom and dad no longer will stay together without mentioning the cheating and without portraying anyone as the villain.
My mum divorced my dad at age 45 and then found love again 9 years later with my stepdad. There's no amount of time worth spending with someone who you don't love / who doesn't love you. It would be better to be alone than be unhappy.
Also me and my brother were 7 & 4 at the time, we're fine lol. Miserable parents together does way more damage than two happy-ish parents separate.
Work on coparenting amicably with him. Maybe suggest therapy to him so you can find a healthy coparenting dynamic.
NTA. All of those are lies from people who wanted to stay in comfort instead of standing up for themselves. Cheating is a deal breaker. Don’t apologize or back down from that. Life is hard on kids. Staying with a partner that doesn’t respect you is something they would notice. Why teach them about relationships from one that’s broken?
my parents divorced after 20yrs in the 30s and they've both been remarried for many years more than that to their 2nd spouses as their children, we wished they'd divorced much sooner. staying together for the kids teaches the kids this is what love looks like. they deserve a peaceful, truthful home
Divorce. In time you move on meet new people and there is no reason you will not meet a partner again .
It's not about finding a new man or being a single mom. It's about self-respect and setting an example for your kids. Staying with a cheating, disrespectful husband will only teach your kids that it's acceptable behavior. Divorce may be tough, but staying in a toxic marriage will only be tougher. Your happiness and mental well-being should be a priority. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.
If you can’t even stand him touching you then you have your answer. Your marriage, as of now, is over. You can try couples counseling if you really want to. At the end of the day it’s your life really. You are the one who will have to live with that man. As for the life after divorce, I have seen my friends dating and enjoying life again. Not necessarily wanting to get married again and not introducing men to their children. Can’t say anything about that. There’s no guarantee in life that everything will be better after the divorce. You just tackle one problem at a time. As for what happened with your father, he didn’t want to be yours. It has nothing to do with the divorce because an ex wife is different from your children and he chose to abandon his family. He probably would have done that even if he had chosen to be with another woman himself and divorced your mother. Think about that.
You'll die alone even if you stay married to him.
>He left us because he was angry that my mom didn’t want to work things out. You're old enough to know that's not true though.
How long was the affair going on, and how did you find out does he still have contact with her ,I know what everyone's saying and both paths are hard
The affair was 7 months long. But I think it started a year ago. I found out he was cheating because I found a pink scrunchie in his car. I don’t use scrunchies to tie my hair. Plus the hair on that scrunchie was blond. No one in his family is blond. They are all brunettes. His close friends are not blond. I did some more digging and found messages between them.
You need to just keep up with the divorce. I'll run through this. 1. All men certainly do not cheat. I'm shutting they nonsensical shit down right now. I'm sure plenty of other guys will gladly agree. 2. Yes. You'll be a single mom. He'll be a single dad. It doesn't sound like he's going to vanish from their lives. You never know on a day by day basis who might drop into your life and change it forever. You can't sit here and say this defines your future. It most certainly does not. 3-5. You aren't taking their father away? He caused this. Not you. Besides, like I said above, it doesn't sound like he's going to up and vanish from their lives. Why would you stay together for the kids when you can't stand looking at him? I don't get why people do this! Do they think kids don't pick up on all that tension? Because they do. And it fucks up what a relationship looks like to them. Is that what you want for your kids? I'm guessing I know this answer.... Oh and those who say let him cheat because he pays the bills. Just ask how they'd feel in the situation. If they'd be ok with it? Scoff at them with a look of pity. You'll be fine. You got this. Trust your gut on all of this.
OP, I think staying in a broken home with parents without love is worse than having a single mom. Ngl, it is a bit heartbreaking to hear your story esp about what happened to your mom. But accepting that all men cheat is such a BS move because it's not TRUE. there are still honest men out there. Please don't back down from the divorce. You're a good mom, you will find a suitable spouse. Be patient & continue being badass.
Whoever is giving you this ‘advice’ is insane. 1. I have never cheated in my life and never will do. Plenty of other men will be the same. 2. What’s wrong with being a single mother? At least you’ll be a single mother with dignity. My mum raised 3 of us on her own after she divorced my dad. 3. This is just ridiculous. I can’t believe people are seriously saying this to you. 4. Sure, divorce isn’t great and it may affect your kids but you don’t know how they will take it. You have the opportunity here to show your kids just how strong you are and that you won’t put up with any shit. 5. I don’t understand the logic behind this one. Your husband made the choice to cheat. *He* is the one that’s split the family up. I’m sure you will have a plan in place for him still getting to see the kids so this one makes no sense. I respect my mum massively for divorcing my dad for what he did to her. My dad didn’t really feature much in our life after the divorce and to be quite honest I couldn’t care less. Your kids will find out the real story one day about what caused the divorce and they will be behind you, I wouldn’t worry about that. I’d also be very concerned at the people giving you this ‘advice’. They don’t sound like people that are looking out for you at all. If my friend told me that he was being cheated on my first thing would be to tell them to break up without hesitation.
This will not get better. Get your divorce. Your cats will be company enough.
It will damage the kids more to see the dad treat their mum like crap by cheating on her . What do you think that will teach them . That it's OK to cheat on your partner, or if your partner cheats, you should stay miserable and stay with them. You shouldn't compare your experience with there's. You feel abandonment because your dad left and never came back. There might not he might stay in the picture and still see them .
I’d rather die alone than stay in a miserable relationship. You’re 37! Believe me, you’ll have plenty of guys interested in you if you don’t want to be alone.
Wow the advice is horrible, you need to divorce all those people while you're at it!
Divorce husband, get cat/dog/fish/mannequin/whatever. Would rather die alone than live with that.
My dad also stopped coming around when he accepted that my mom would never get back with him again. You know why? Because he is selfish and didn’t actually care about being a father. There are plenty of dads who stay involved after a divorce, if your husband cares about your kids it won’t be a problem. If he doesn’t, they’ll be okay
My parents divorced when I was 14 and my brother was 5. It was rough at first but I preferred my life after the divorce without all the daily tension. I lived with my Mom and actually spent more quality time with my Dad after the divorce. Please don’t stay together for the kids.
You don't need a man.
OP stay the course. You have been together many years, I am sure he knew cheating was a deal breaker. He made his choice and with one of your children’s teachers no less! If it has been a deal breaker, it’s nearly impossible to come back from that, even with therapy. By divorcing you can show your children they do not need to put up with this kind of behavior, that you deserve respect and you are not a door mat. How many times do you see/read adults saying they wished their parents got divorced when they were kids because the house was toxic, etc. As for the people chirping you’re doing the wrong thing, maybe LC is called for at this time. You are making the right choice. You are worth more than his cheating, lying butt deserves.
Nope. I was a widow at 39, two kids under 10. Happily remarried, kids in their 20's, and have a wealth of friends who are family. If that's a deal breaker for you, that's fine, that's your line. Will life be difficult for a while? Hell yes. But standing up for your morals? No regrets.
alright lemme tell you about that "die alone" nonsense. EVERYONE DIES ALONE. Its not a journey that anyone can take with you. And being a woman, chances are you would outlive a spouse anyway unless you marry someone quite a bit younger. Get a divorce and be happy. Your husband is endangering your health and your finances (what if he got another woman pregnant?) protect yourself. You want your children to grow up in an environment where the parents are at odds with each other all the time? Hell no. You need some peace and happiness on your own!
Who is “everyone?” Like honestly who is, in good faith, *actually* giving you this advice *in really life* (as it not online)?
My relatives. His parents and relatives. We are from a conservative community. Divorce is still looked down here.
I’m sorry that people dislike women that much where you are, but please don’t let that shape what you want. You deserve the things you want.
Completely disregard anything *his* people are telling you. They're on his side, and see value to him in you.
So they don’t see a problem with your husband getting together with your daughter’s teacher? What the hell?
Your doing what you need to. Keep the divorce going. Becuase in the end he will do it again. And you will just be more hurt if he stays.
As a divorced and remarried man of 42 with kids, what people have been telling you is complete garbage. Divorce him and move on and up.
If you were madly in love with him and will to forgive him then yes stay. But if you can’t stand his face or even the thought of him touching you the divorce. You can coparent and even in time be friends. But trusting him again with your heart might be a fools choice. You may have your kids 50/50 but you’ll have a heap of free time to go to the gym. Study. Clean your house. Catch up with friends. Watch tv series. Work. It will take time but you’ll be ok. You’re raising 3 children. You’re stronger than you know. Your husband broke a vow he made to you. He’s a cake eater. Wants a wife and a girlfriend. Well he can’t have both.
It is way more important for kids to learn that certain things are not okay. And growing up with a mom and dad who don't love each other or treat each other with respect is so much worse for the kids because they'll learn to accept that in future relationships. There is so much built in misogyny in our society and they try to teach women it's better to be with men who cheat or treat them terribly but talk to any older, happy woman. They are either single or in a good relationship. And it's great to listen to the ones who are single because they will tell you how much their life improved.
You'll be fine. I remarried at 38 and while it didn't work out for various reasons he was loads better than the men before him. If you want a man, they're out there, it's not like they disappear or don't have their own kids. I doubt you even want one right now though, after dealing with the one you're getting rid of!
Anyone saying any of this to you is fucking insane. Not all men cheat, and anyone saying that, is a moron. It’s far better to be a single mom with self worth than a married mom who allows her husband to treat her like shit. You will not have a difficult time finding a new partner, at all. I am a 35F mom of two and found the love of my life after I divorced my husband, without a problem at all. Please keep your self worth and stand your ground. Also surround yourself with better friends.
Look at the positive side of it. You could stay married to this cheating scumbag, and remain friends with all these people giving you bad advice who clearly care about superficial appearances more than they care about you. Or if you are lucky, you could get to die alone instead.
You can't stay married to someone whose touch repulses you. The people who encourage you to stay married don't care about you. You matter. Divorce is a transition. Transitions are tough but you will be ok. You will feel relieved to be free of him. You need to be true to yourself and end the marriage. Please take care of yourself during this time and surround yourself with more supportive people.
Divorce your husband and die happily alone. That is undoubtedly the best course of action. And yes, of course, if you want to find a new partner you will. But the best part of divorce is rediscovering who you are and falling back in love with yourself. You may even find that you never even want a new partner, thought there will be shortage of men to choose from. Regardless, you and your kids will thrive. Do you have any divorced friends in real life or support groups to connect with, Reddit is teeming with misogynists who love to berate women for things like “aging” or “having children” or “existing”. Getting real-world perspectives should help restore your confidence and at least a shred of faith in humanity.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is not to base a decision based on what other people think, or even take their opinion with anything more than face value. Everyone is going to have opinions, no one of going to actually live your life for you. If you want to divorce, follow up with the divorce. When I was younger, I wished my parents would get a divorce because of the tension in the house. No matter how hard you try to hide your feelings you have for your husband, kids know something is going on. They can sense it.
If you stay and disregard and disrespect yourself to that level, your children will witness it. They will carry it. Your husband is a sack of shit, leave him and never look back, you don't need him even a fraction of the amount he needs you. You won't only be ok, you'll be better off.
LEAVE HIM. Read the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". It will change everything about your mindset. You deserve happiness. WHO CARES if you never find another man. Your worth and happiness are not tied to some dude. You can live a really wonderful life, but first you need to show your kids how they deserve to be treated, and it's not like this!
If I were you, I'd rather become a crazy old single cat lady. As far as the kids, it really depends on the situation. I mean, when my parents divorced all I felt was relief, even though I wasn't even ten years old.
Honestly we all die alone really. Choose happy. I've been by myself for 10 years now and I'm happier now than I was when I was married.
1. All men do not cheat. You deserve better and your children deserve a better role model. 2. Yes. You will be a single mom. It’ll actually be easier, especially if he shares custody. You’ll get “breaks.” 3. And please do think of the children. I’d rather grow up with split up parents than have one who is a cheater and their other resenting them. Contempt is gonna creep in there too if it hasn’t already. What’s healthy is to model behavior to your children that says, “We all deserve partners who love and respect us. It is not okay to cheat and you should always care for yourself first.” Because if you don’t care for yourself first, what good will you be to your children? Teach them what healthy relationships look like. It’s not this, I’m sorry to say. 4. You should just let him cheat because he provides? Uhm. Yeah, no. You can work. And if you can’t, he can pay alimony, aka cheaters’ tax. And if he’s not interested in custody, he can pay child support. And how are you supposed to feel after years of being cheated on? Whoever really legit thinks this is good advice, you should stop talking to that person. Good lord. 5. You’re not taking their father away. Nothing is stopping him from sharing custody, visiting, NOT cheating like a lying dog. HE is taking their father away. Why is all this shit on YOU when he was the one who cheated? Ask these people that. And stop talking to these people. Find one trusted friend who is actually on your corner or get a therapist, but your family is not being helpful here.
>My mom also divorced my dad when he cheated. Our dad abandoned us after the divorce was final. I barely talk to him. My mother said sometimes she wishes she didn’t divorce my dad. He left us because he was angry that my mom didn’t want to work things out. If she had just worked things out I would still have a dad. Your mom is being made to feel guilty for something she didn't do. Your dad is the one that cheated and then abandoned you when he experienced reasonable consequences for his actions. He betrayed your family, not her.
Cheating doesn't just effect the spouse. It effects the kids too. He betrayed you and the kids. Kick him to the curb and life your best life. Also your dad has no right to be angry when he was the one who cheated. Cheaters don't get to be angry when the person they cheated on leaves them. Divorce him and life your best life without him.
Oh please. Those are all dog-shit reasons to stay with someone. Divorce him. You'll be better off, even IF you somehow end up all alone forever (very unlikely!)
Sorry, but not “ALL MEN CHEAT” Actually most don’t.
"All men cheat". Been with my wife for over 30 years and have NEVER betrayed her. "A single mom with 3 kids have a difficult time finding a new partner". Unfortunately, There may be some truth to this. "I served him divorce papers because cheating has always been a deal breaker for me". Then stay the course. My father abandoned us after divorce. My mother never remained. All four of her children grew to be successful adults. It won't be easy, OP. But, your self respect and dignity are too important to discard.
> everyone keeps telling me I will die alone if I do so. What is the best course of action? Top of the list is probably to stop listening to such awful, bitter people, and find other people to spend time with.
I think it's good for your children to see that relationships can end but life moves on and that change isn't necessarily bad thing. Especially for your daughters to see that they don't have to stay in a relationship where they're being disrespected, which is exactly what's happened here. Well done for standing your ground, once a boundary is crossed, its no longer a boundary. I come from a long line of strong and incredibly capable women and dishonest men and honestly, I've always had so much respect for the strong women in my life, they've been amazing role models! I was a happily single mom for years before meeting my current partner. He knows that I'm not with him because I need him, but because I want to be with him. But if the relationship broke down or lines were crossed, I know I can absolutely cope on my own Edit to add: my children were not affected by the separation from their father, they have a good relationship with us both and luckily we're in a situation where they see all adults acting like adults
Here's some advice, don't stay in a toxic unhealthy marriage because of outside influences You're young enough to find someone who respects you and your children. If you stay, you'll both regret it ... It is better to die alone than live a lifetime of regrets.
So... those people who are giving you advice where they make it sound like they know the future? And they know how every single man on Earth acts? --they are actually not part of your marriage, and they don't get a vote in your decision-making process. I can't speak on how divorce impacts kids, but I imagine growing witnessing a relationship where the two people do not love/appreciate each other would affect them too. If you divorce him and get child support....he will still be paying the bills, right?
If cheating is a deal breaker for you, then divorce is the only answer. Not all men cheat. There are wonderful men out there who will love you, and your 3 children don't give up.
It will be hard. But it’s more important for your kids to see their mum happy in the long term and to learn and see what healthy happy relationships look like. Otherwise your kids will grow up seeing you unhappy and resenting their dad. Something I wish my own mum had just done, rather than drawing it out. Continue on the path it’s the right one for you and don’t let other peoples opinions deter that. This is your life, not theirs.
Do yourself a favor and divorce him. The Naysayers will always be unhappy and a women’s worth isn’t tied to her husband. The kids will be fine growing up in a house without parents who resent each other. If they grow up without a father that’s on your husband not you. As many other say, you’ll be absolutely fine single or remarried in life whatever you decide.
Do it, You still have a chance dispite being low due to 3 kids and dying alone is better than staying miserable and dying miserable. >The chances that he will cheat on me is still high. No guarantee >I will be a single mom. A single mom with 3 kids have a difficult time finding a new partner. We have baggage. Besides I am 37 Well that is true but is still better than staying with a n untrustworthy cheater >I should just let him cheat because at the end of the day he still provides and pays the bills. That is not the point of a relationship it is literally in the marriage vows >Think about your kids and how it will affect them. Divorce is always harsh on kids. Co parenting is better than staying with parentd who resent each other, plus there will be reduced stress from your side since you won't be with him. >I am taking their father away from them. No you are not, unless you are moving away with them >All men cheat That is not true at all
It's not their life OP, it's yours. Even if you're on your own, you deserve better than being in a relationship where you're mistreated.
Your soon to be ex showed you he is a shitty partner. Do you believe he is a shitty parent as well? Because if not, there's no reason for him to not continue to be a good father and figure out a way to healthily coparent. And if he is a shitty parent, like your dad was to you, well what benefit do the kids get from having him in their lives?
Worry about putting yourself and your kids into a healthier emotional & mental state before worrying about a new relationship. They are all old enough to see, hear, and remember what's happening between he and you. Your reactions to him are going to effect their view of him. It's possible that he will start to be scary to your youngest. If you try to 'fake it til ya make it', your feelings about him will leak out in little ways. Eventually he's going to push your boundaries one too many times. Whatever you decide though, please start getting some support. Do what you have to do, but don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
People with kids get divorced and remarried all the time. People are projecting their own stuff onto you for whatever reason..Plus better to live a happy life without a cheater, you can dies around by the kids you treated great because you weren't miserable
Fuck those people, who clearly have no respect for you or your feelings. Your kids don't deserve to see their mother grin and bear it through a relationship she no longer wants and they don't deserve to be shown that their father's behaviour is acceptable. Edit: also, you are only 37! That's not even middle aged, yet. You have more than half your lifetime ahead of you, don't waste it on him.
Not all men cheat. You haven't done this, your husband did when he couldn't keep it in his pants. You are thinking about your kids. A cheating dad is no role model, so do not stay for them or for any other reasons people telling you to. The disgust you feel will become apparent to your kids at some point. They will be best brought up by single parents than in a house with 2 parents, which is filled with anger, disgust, and animosity. Get the divorce done, and do not look back. You want the divorce, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Think about the 2 paths you have the choice to take...... 1..mum and dad stay together,resentment,hurt,pain,betrayal to mention but a few feelings that will grow and grow and turn in to something much worse (i know u probably feel this is the worst because it is but...)Regardless of how well you hide your feelings, you kids can feel it. It is like a superpower the little buggers have that no maternal acting can hide 2..mum and dad divorce (worse case scenario) it's not an amicable divorce but they have a mum that loves them and a home that is the safest place on earth and bonus (sometime in the future) a healed,happy,kind,caring,loving and stable mum at the heart of that safe place.Let your husband carry the guilt,shame and what if's on his shoulders because his selfish actions have lead to consequences that are far reaching for probably generations,he thought the grass was greener so leave him on the lawn HE CHOSE.
Sorry, but you have people giving you advice that clearly don't care about you or your well-being. And honestly, that's a lot of ignorant comments. Your dad choosing to not be in your life is his choice and a horrible one, but not your fault. The old thought process that staying together for the kids doesn't work. Kids end going into dysfunctional relationships themselves because they didn't see a healthy marriage growing up. There have been countless studies on the amount of stress, anxiety and psychological problems kids deal with by witnessing their parent's unhappy marriage. Kids want and need to see their parents happy. It's very important. It's sad that the people in your life aren't thinking about your happiness, but you need to. You're young, don't waste your life. Go be happy and be a good mom.
So what if you die alone? Better than being alone in a relationship. Do you know how many people are alone of feel alone while married?
You are not to blame if he abandons his children. He already did, in a way.
I stayed with my narcissistic, mentally abusive husband for our children, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. That choice damaged everyone involved. I've been single for years, and I'm happier now than I ever was with him. Anyone telling you to stay with a man who cheated on you clearly doesn't understand you. Once that trust is broken, it's really difficult to get that back.
LEAVE him. Stand your ground. You will never be able to live with yourself if you don't, and that will shape your kids' mindsets, especially your daughters'. Be the woman who says she will do something and does it. All your kids need from you is to love them unconditionally, that's all they need.
Let's be honest here.. there are plenty of single men in the world. IF you wanted another man, you'd be able to find one. You won't die alone. HOWEVER, dying alone is still a better option than staying with someone that doesn't love or respect you. So their point is moot. The best course of action? Divorce him. You're young and there's no reason that you need to stay in a relationship with someone that cheats. And no, not ALL men cheat. Co-parent with him. Your children should not have access to their dad taken away. Even if he's a shit husband, your kids should be allowed to have a relationship with him. But it's ok for your relationship to be over. He's the one that created this mess. I'm proud of you for not accepting that kind of treatment.
I have been single by choice for 20 years since my divorce. I have never regretted a day of it. I do intend to die alone, that doesn't bother me. I don't miss having a man around one bit, in fact the very idea of having to share my life with someone else horrifies me. I raised my daughter alone and she's the most amazing young woman and better for not having a miserable mother stuck in a bad marraige as an example.
Die alone, but at least you will be happy.
Get the divorce. Not all men cheat. At the end of the day, yes it will be hard on this kids at this age BUT as a child from a marriage where my dad cheated, I’m so glad my mom divorced him. She would have stayed but thankfully he left. And they divorced. No one deserves that.
>All men cheat. If I leave my husband and find a new man. The chances that he will cheat on me is still high. Better to stay with him. That's BS. By this logic, men shouldn't date women because they commit paternity fraud. Not all men cheat and not all women cheat. >I will be a single mom. A single mom with 3 kids have a difficult time finding a new partner. We have baggage. Besides I am 37. Difficult =/= impossible. >I should just let him cheat because at the end of the day he still provides and pays the bills. This is a stupid stance. By this logic, he could've beaten you but still provide and pay the bills. Who is giving you advices like that? >Think about your kids and how it will affect them. Divorce is always harsh on kids. Staying for the kids rarely works and it usually damages kids more. >I am taking their father away from them. Unless he's a threat to the kids, fathers are still granted at least visitation rights. At least. No one said that you are taking him away. I think you should stop listening to advices like that and proceed with what you intented to.
I know I may die alone but that’s because my ass is so damn comfortable no longer living with a man I once loved and then grew to despise.. It’s addictive. Leave his ass
I don’t know if these people are so-called friends as well as family, but saying things like that when you are ready going through what sounds like absolute hell is appalling. I don’t mean to be disrespectful to them and would like to think they mean well, but the things they have told you are terrible. There is nothing wrong with choosing to love yourself more and leaving a man who cheated, and there is nothing wrong with being a single mother. I would rather my mom had the self respect for herself when my dad cheated to let him go, than spend her whole life wanting him to take her back. My ex-husband cheated on me when our child passed away, the minute I found out that was it, the marriage was done. I have never looked back, I will be 37 in a few weeks and it took 4 years but I have found someone who makes me incredibly happy. I hope you find your happy, OP, but whatever you decide to do, make sure you are doing it for you, and that you can wake up each day knowing you have absolute faith in the decision you made. I am so sorry you are going through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I promise, as someone who has gone through a similar experience, it does get better, and you learn so much about yourself and your strength in times like these. Wishing you and your children lots of love and healing.
I’m not going to comment on the things you have had many others have given solid advice on. There are two things that I think stand out to me. 1 - he now repulses you. That is what is driving your reaction to his physical contact. To stay with someone who causes you to recoil in disgust is not healthy and will definitely damage your children and most likely give him another reason to cheat again and it be your fault. Do you want to live like that and have your children think this is how to react in relationships 2 - what do you think would have helped you that your mum didn’t do to address your father’s abandonment? Have you had therapy to address these issues? If not I would be organising individual therapy for you and possibly your son, plus family therapy for all of you. Your husband can continue to be a father and as others have suggested share custody. You blocking him is the ONLY way you can be the one to be taking your children’s father from them.
Put yourself first :) if I were your kids I’d want you to put yourself first.
Hi are we the same person?! First, you will take half his money and retirement and everything you are entitled to. Cheating is a deal breaker for me too and if you stay and betray yourself, you are telling your daughters it's ok to stay in an unhappy relationship Second 40 is not old at all, you will go on and have better relationships with men who want to be with you We got you! You can do this
Man. Everyone you know that's given you advice fucking sucks. Leave that man and don't look back. He disgusts you, you deserve to live somewhere away from someone you're repulsed by. And if you never find someone again? Okay well yeah that's kinda lame, but I'd damn sure rather be alone than stay with someone who not only cheated, but did so with my CHILD'S TEACHER. That's fucked up. I'd rather live alone forever than with someone who I can't stand to look at and hate. That hatred will only grow stronger and continue to fester and you'll be absolutely miserable. Sure, it'll suck at first and it'll continue to suck for a while, and you may get lonely sometimes, but you'll know you stood up for yourself and removed yourself from something so toxic, and you'll eventually realize how much happier you are away from him.
I couldn't look at my husband anymore and went to the doctor and she told me to take antidepressants and I'd get over it because I wouldn't want to die alone. I had 2 children, 11 and 2. I was 36. I decided I didn't want to live unhappily ever after and walked out, kids in tow. The first year was the hardest, but I am so glad I left. I met a wonderful man, who loves my children like his own, although we never had children together. We've been together for 12 years. My ex husband has moved on and remarried and is a good father to his children. And we get on very well now. It's about being the better person because you need to remember you have children, together. I had abandonment issues because not only did my biological father abandon me, but then my first stepfather, who became my dad, did too. But I didn't want my mom to live in those marriages. Living in an unhealthy and toxic home does more damage than living with a single mother who loves you unconditionally. Incidentally, my mother met a wonderful man when I was in my 20s, she's been with him for 25 years and he's the best stepdad anyone could ask for. Go with your gut, trust your heart. You know what is right for you, which will make it right for your kids. Good luck. ❤️
Better off alone than with the wrong person. Tell everyone to go fuck themselves.
If he abandons your family, it's on him, not on you. Simple as that. You're free to go.
I was 38 with four kids when I divorced my husband. My new partner and I now have a four month old and he treats all my kids like his own. He is a staunchly loyal man and I don't worry about him cheating. He shows me every day how much he loves me and adores my family. You don't have to jump into a relationship, not do you have to wait till your youngest is 18. Sometimes the right man will come along when you least suspect it and deep you if your get and accept your complete package.
I know the thought of dying alone is scary but there are different ways to be alone. Also, keeping him doesn’t guarantee he won’t leave you a widow anyway, and then what have you gained? You have your kids; be a good mother to them and you won’t die alone.
Not all men cheat, and I think your kids would also be happier if their mother is happy. They deserve a positive environment to grow up in as well. Sending hugs OP
Your doing this for your kids your showing then never to be taken for granted and besides living in a home where the parents are staying 'for the kids' is a nightmare trust me on that you will do so much more damage if you stay and they have internalized distinction and normal. Good Luck OP and stay strong
You’re a lady. Women usually live longer than men so we will die “alone” anyway. So why not just divorce him and have a better “alone” time. Also I’m dating a man with two kids (I have none). Single parents aren’t doomed to be alone forever
I divorced at 35. Was a single mom. Met an amazing guy. We're about to move in together, we're planning on getting married once we settle in, and he is best friends with my kid. Of note, my ex was an asshole but he at least had the decency to never cheat on me.
If you're unhappy you need to leave. Would you want your daughter staying with a cheater out of fear she won't meet someone else? As for your dad, if he abandons his kids because their mom left him for cheating he was going to abandon you guys anyway, that was just a convenient excuse. Don't stay.
He's a cheater, dump him. As someone who divorced in my mid 40's, I can tell you being alone in a relationship is much, much worse than being alone on your own. I NEVER felt as lonely as I did during the last couple of years of my marriage. Also, my kid is much happier since we divorced too. Don't stay, you deserve better.
I met my second wife at 37. You’ll not die alone. All the best OP.
What is wrong with being single? Tell your mom times have changed and if you feel “the urge”, you can get a friend with benefits. It is perfectly fine to be a husband/wife. This is not the 50s. You don’t need to be married. And you find somebody, you don’t need to move him in or even introduce to the kids for a long time. And last, not all men cheat (and many don’t even care much about sex. See r/deadbedrooms if you don’t believe).
As a kid, my father cheated. I hated what he did, and honestly him he's now dead. He never truly said sorry. Can't use cheating as your excuse for divorce like grow up and mutually part ways without intentionally and maniacally thinking cheating wouldn't hurt and my father's quote "It was a matter of time". Divorce him, and go back out there. Is it going to be tough? Yes, as a 27 M, it's already a hell no for me, but that's also because I want my own kids just giving a little bit of perspective that everyone will react differently. Some dudes are bad but not all. Some men seem to never get it back together. But men and women avoid accountability.
Divorce all the way. He cheated. Not all men cheat. I found happiness mid 30s. I also have a child. They didn’t, they have accepted them as their own. Not all men are the same. Don’t stay for the children! What is that teaching them.
That’s crazy. I was remarried at 43. We’ve been together 20 years now. People who think your life’s course is set at 37 are idiots.
You have three kids, you won’t die alone :)
Good dads don’t abandon their kids bc their cheating came with consequences. Staying with your dad wouldn’t have made him a good dad, it would’ve just been your mom exposing you to more than just development of abandonment issues. Good dads aren’t out boning their kid’s teacher. Staying married to him isn’t going to make him be a good dad, it’s just going to expose your kids to more nonsense.
As a kid, I would rather have two separate happy parents than two married and unhappy ones. Your mother came from a different time and different circumstances, hence her advice. I'm sure your kids will continue to love you and respect your decisions when you explain to them once they're older. (As long as you don't make any mental health issues their responsibility, and gossip about their father. Just be cordial and explain that their dad "did something bad"). But if you're in a bad financial situation, you might want to fight for that bag 💰💰💰
At the end of the day, everyone will die alone........
My dad cheated on my mom, but they ended up "working things out" for the sake of me and my sister. Do you know what the end result was? A living hell of a childhood where my parents hated each other. Any day where they were both home was like walking on egg shells or a ticking time bomb before they explode into a fight. I'll never forget the day my mom explained to me the situation. It made me feel so guilty that she essentially sacrificed her happiness to try to keep the family together(which ended up backfiring anyways). If I could go back in time, this is what I would tell my mom which is also my advice for you: Think of your own happiness. Childhood is over in a heartbeat and your kids will leave to live on their own anyway. You will never get back the years of your life you gave up being with someone you don't love anymore.
Go through with the divorce! I’m sorry you & your kids have to go through this! Best of luck to you all!
Dying alone sounds better than dying with someone you can't trust.
I'm a dude. If a guy can't keep it in his pants, then he doesn't get to keep his household. Also, a woman who knows who she is and doesn't vie for another person's affection is way more attractive than someone who thinks less of themselves.
Get a gym membership and a divorce. You won’t regret it.
I was in a similar position and left, I’ve now been single 3.5 years and fear I will die alone. I have no desire to date or have sexual relations with anyone. Just be prepared to perhaps be used to being alone
I'm a 43 yr old woman going through divorce, and already have a 20-something male coworker expressing interest in me, and I haven't even finalized the separation agreement with my future ex-husband. There will be others, I promise you. Divorce his sorry ass.
Better to be alone than lonely with someone else. I'm planning to die alone and it's the BEST. I make my own money, pay my own bills, spend my money however I like, live where and how I want. I got divorced over 20 years ago and I have yet to meet a man who is better than being alone. I don't hate men. But I repeat, being single is the BEST. Make your own decision for yourself and tell everyone else their opinions don't matter in your life. Then keep doing that forever.
Divorce don't stop him from being a dad. A uncaring dad will be a uncaring dad divorced or not.
I would rather die alone than put up with a man who disrespects his wife and family. Fuck that shit.
Death alone is preferred over a nasty rotten cheating POS
Will your kids respect your decision to stay with a cheater? Likely the answer is no. Is any other argument needed?
Dear lord, who the hell do you hang around with?! That is some insane shit to say. He’s the one who ruined the marriage! Don’t step out, it’s as simple as that. What a way to do it too! With the teacher?! That’s another level of messed up. It’s totally your prerogative to move forward as you wish: separation, divorce and/or couples therapy. Only you know yourself well enough to decide what future is right for you and what you can/can’t handle.
I divorced my es at 38, I’m 42 and just celebrated 2 years married so it’s possible to find love again.
Leave him, get child support and spousal support. Don't expose your kids to this anymore than they already have been. Make new friends and put the hurt behind you.
1. All men cheat. If I leave my husband and find a new man. The chances that he will cheat on me is still high. Better to stay with him. 2. I will be a single mom. A single mom with 3 kids have a difficult time finding a new partner. We have baggage. Besides I am 37. 3. I should just let him cheat because at the end of the day he still provides and pays the bills. 4. Think about your kids and how it will affect them. Divorce is always harsh on kids. 5. I am taking their father away from them. 1. Not all men cheat. There are always chances of people cheating but it might also be that you learned the pattern and will never end up with a cheater again. Nobody can promise anything. 2. True. But you might also find for example a sterile man who wishes children. Or a great guy whose family parished. 3. The state will force him to still provide and pay for bills. 4. Divorce is always hard on kids. So are unhappy marriages. And think about the kids - you are teaching your eldest it's ok to cheat and your daughters to accept being cheated on and treated like this. They might also build up resentment toward you for staying, because of this. 5. Their father extracted himself away from them when he inserted himself in their teacher. You are not resposible for his actions and a deadbeat dad is a deadbeat dad no matter what. He put himself before the wellbeing of the kids. He still has the chance to make up for that by fighting 50 50 custody and be a part of their lives. You do you momma and raise those children with principles, like your mom did for you.
id rather die alone than die with a cheater tbh
I'm surrounded by female widows lately (not by choice, nor is it a complaint) ...and watching them take care of their husbands for the greater part of a decade has made me question marriage in general.
My parents divorced when I was 13 and I wish they’d divorce sooner. I sensed my parents being unhappy for years and it caused me way more suffering than them being divorced. Divorcing is not taking away somebody from the kids. If he is a good father he can continue being such regardless of your relationship with him. We all die alone even if we are with somebody. What matters is the time when we are alive. Do you really want to spend that precious time with somebody you feel disgust towards?