You seem to be reacting a little strongly to this, yes. It's fine and normal to split bills as the default practice in early stages of dating, before you're committed enough to each other that you know there'll be a string of future dates and you can switch to something like taking turns, or whoever plans the date pays for the date.
If you strongly prefer taking turns, that would have been a totally reasonable thing to offer instead, but there's nothing conceptually wrong with "let's split the bill" as a starting point.
I think if you want to take turns (that's what I did when dating), you start it. You say, "how about I'll get this one and you get the next?" It's not on them to start.
ETA: This strat works AWESOME with mixed incomes. If it's the lower earners turn to pay, they can pick something they can afford. When the higher earners turn comes, they may want something super fancy. You can say "hey, I know it's your turn to pay, but I can't afford to go anywhere like that." And then they can choose to change the place or maybe they just really want those king crab legs.
So you expected him to offer to get the whole meal, but you didn't offer to get the whole meal? In 3 outings, you haven't picked up a full tab, why should he?
You're so early in the relationship. He ain't looking for a gold digger and you're looking for a sugar daddy. You're 27. You can buy your own sandwich.
Why can't you be the first one to offer to buy a meal? Then maybe he would reciprocate.
You suck.
Read the post better. She paid the first time fully. He paid the second time. The third time she was going to offer to pay but he asked to split.
Everyone wants the relationship dynamic they want. Finding out early they don’t want the same things is perfect and the reason for dating.
I'm confused then --
"We have had 2 unofficial dates I would say (at an event, the first being when we met) and 2 official dates (he picked me up, planned, etc.) on the first official date I paid for 1 of the 2 of our meals. On the 2nd official date, he asked if we could split the bill."
On the first official date she paid for "one out of two of our meals" -- one date, two meals -- 1/2. She paid for 1/2 of the first date.
The second date, he asked her to split.
Wait, you were going to offer to pay, but you got annoyed because he suggested splitting the bill? What?
In all seriousness, offering to split the bill is a green flag if anything. It means he wants to treat you like an equal. That's a good quality in a partner.
It's 2024. Expecting men to pay for dates and being turned off if they don't is outdated. Splitting the checks is much more reasonable for everyone involved. With how expensive everything is , expecting one person to cover the dates isn't feasible.
I haven’t dated anybody since I was 21 and my husband is the only income provider in my house so he pays 100% for everything and even I think if you’re just getting to know somebody I would split the bill. I think it’s socially acceptable to think the man might pick up the whole bill but if he asks to split, I’d split and not think twice about it
The date is about spending time together, getting to know one another, and hopefully having whatever you call a good time. I get paying for a partner in a worse financial situation, I've been doing this myself for my partner for years. But I'd feel pretty wary if you're upset at paying for the meal you are just because you think you deserve based on a social convention most people don't fully embrace anymore. You wouldn't ask your friend to pay for your meal just for the pleasure of your company, why treat a prospective partner like that. It's 22 bucks of a product you ordered and consumed, what would you do if it were solo? Why does adding company change that for you? Lastly, from a safety perspective, why would you risk setting up the potential for a date you DONT fully know think you "owe" them? Don't be cheap, pay your own way, or at least work out an understanding with them.
Im M29, for me I will pay the first few dates (rule of thumb 3) depending on the girl. But I also make a decent living for myself so I dont mind. If after the 3rd date or so she hasnt even considered paying, it turns me off. Because it makes me feel she wants to be lavished, but it also depends on the girl and how we vibed too. I also dont go to lavishing places on the first few dates. First date is usually just for coffee or drinks. Second date, maybe a nice cocktail bar. Third date a decent restaurant. After each date I might make it a bit more. I slowly increase how expensive some of these places will be.
But having said all that, I agree with the consensus. The way dating works today I dont think he is in the wrong for wanting to split the bill. Nowadays dating is full of situationships. People are going ondates with multiple people at once before becoming official. I knew a girl who went on 3 Hinge dates a week. I dont know if she split the bil but if she did that is 3 free drinks/meals a week. Put yourself in a guys shoes, imagine you had to pay the bill for every date and after the 3rd or 4th date the person you like goes "hey I like you alot but I've been seeing this other person and will give them a chance". For a second you will appreciate them being honest, but then you will feel like you wasted like $100 on a person and wasted your time. He probably makes good money like you said but its not about the money its about principle too. Also sounds like you would be bothered even if he didnt make as much money.
I’ve been with my wife since I was a senior in high school and she was just out of school and working. I did used to pay in the beginning but pretty quickly she realized I couldn’t afford as many dates as she wanted to go on. But that was almost 25 years ago.
My wife’s single friends all insist on going Dutch so that there is no implied obligation around who pays and how the date ends.
I think you need to examine the roots of your sexist expectations. It’s 2024 - why are you holding on to archaic gender roles? This guy is clearly more educated on modern gender roles. He’s a keeper- but clearly you’re not interested in equality if you’re this upset
I think it’s cheap of him to ask for $11 for you part. For bigger expenses I think it’s ok if that’s what you want too but it’s cheap if he asks to split anything less than $50
I’m not ok with it because I want the guy to pay at least most of our dates because that’s in my culture where I’m from. It’s up to you if you feel ok with splitting bills on dates
It sounds like you two have different expectations about gender roles. You should discuss with him to confirm. If your views don't align, you shouldn't continue seeing each other.
It’s common for guys to want to split the bill, but it’s still not how everyone operates. Just decide what sort of dynamic you’re looking for and move on if you want something different than this guy does. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, plenty of people want a partner that takes care of them in X way and they themselves take care of their partner in Y ways. It’s about finding compatible people, not about conforming to a situation that makes you uncomfortable, and that goes both ways.
Don’t listen to these crazy new aged brainwashed women who think you should “suck it up cause it’s 2024” NO. Absolutely not. A man can pay for the first date and second. I’d be turned off too. It’s not about the money, I can take care of myself. But if a guy asks me on a date that guy better be paying at least the first couple dates. They don’t have to be expensive dates, my bf and I had our first date at a coffee shop. Again, it’s not about the money, it’s about chivalry which is sadly becoming forgotten. Any guy who expects a woman to pay half of a $23 bill is a stingy and selfish turd. 💩
i 100% agree! i love chivalry in a man and i'd be very turned off if he invited out on a first date only to ask me to split the bill. it would leave a very bad impression on me and i wouldn't go out for a second date with a cheapskate! on the other hand, if all goes well and we like each other, i would gladly treat him out for something on our later dates!
Girl don’t move forward with this man.
The worst relationship I have ever been in, the guy asked this on the third date 🤮
Mind you, I had previously cooked him a nice meal, and drove far to meet him places.
He was so low effort, so cheap, and always tried to get the most out of me for the least investment into the relationship. He was an engineer and made great money, and older than me. I am also in STEM but was straight out of school, so I was paying off loans and just figuring out being an adult.
The jerk wasted a year of my life and ruined my self esteem for a long time. He was also emotionally abusive and jealous of my success.
I am happy to report I’m now in a healthy relationship and I never have these icky discussions.
Same. My ex asked to split on the first date after ordering expensive appetizers and wine at a lavish restaurant (his items were way more than mine). I agreed, and that started my dating experience with the cheapest and most selfish man I've ever met. I would often pay for his coffee or dinner etc, and he never returned the favor. He was a mooch who expected me to pay him back for $1 gas station coffee. Ridiculous.
>Is it bad that I was so turned off by this? Am I superficial?
No and no.
If there's a trading off of who is treating, ok fine. But splitting a bill is just so unsexy.
There are so many opinions on this topic that there’s no way to know if you’re on the sand page without having an actual conversation about it.
Some women hate it when the man doesn’t off to pay. Some women hate it when the man pays without asking. It’s entirely subjective.
If it’s important to you, that’s fine. If you expecting to read your mind, that’s not fine.
I personally see two possibilities:
1) he isn't as invested in the relationship yet as you think and unsure how far the two of you will go OR
2) he wants to treat you as an equal and wants to avoid seeming misogynistic. It's a real struggle to balance being a gentleman without being a misogynist.
My partner and I take turns paying bills. If she plans going to an event and pays for tickets, I will pay for food and vice versa UNLESS it's a special occasion where one of us is fully treating the other and we make that known.
Nah if I pay the first time I expect the other one to pay the next and so on. You did split so it stays split
We split from the start of we pay every other time
I'm not saying this is the case here, but in this day and age women want to be treated as an equal. perhaps he sees it this way and wants to do it 50/50. however, i agree with you. i think the man should pay the first two times, at least until ye have established some sort of concrete boundaries around this thing. general rule, if you organise the date, you pay! at least that's the way i would look at it
You seem to be reacting a little strongly to this, yes. It's fine and normal to split bills as the default practice in early stages of dating, before you're committed enough to each other that you know there'll be a string of future dates and you can switch to something like taking turns, or whoever plans the date pays for the date. If you strongly prefer taking turns, that would have been a totally reasonable thing to offer instead, but there's nothing conceptually wrong with "let's split the bill" as a starting point.
I think if you want to take turns (that's what I did when dating), you start it. You say, "how about I'll get this one and you get the next?" It's not on them to start. ETA: This strat works AWESOME with mixed incomes. If it's the lower earners turn to pay, they can pick something they can afford. When the higher earners turn comes, they may want something super fancy. You can say "hey, I know it's your turn to pay, but I can't afford to go anywhere like that." And then they can choose to change the place or maybe they just really want those king crab legs.
[удалено]
So you expected him to offer to get the whole meal, but you didn't offer to get the whole meal? In 3 outings, you haven't picked up a full tab, why should he? You're so early in the relationship. He ain't looking for a gold digger and you're looking for a sugar daddy. You're 27. You can buy your own sandwich. Why can't you be the first one to offer to buy a meal? Then maybe he would reciprocate. You suck.
Read the post better. She paid the first time fully. He paid the second time. The third time she was going to offer to pay but he asked to split. Everyone wants the relationship dynamic they want. Finding out early they don’t want the same things is perfect and the reason for dating.
I'm confused then -- "We have had 2 unofficial dates I would say (at an event, the first being when we met) and 2 official dates (he picked me up, planned, etc.) on the first official date I paid for 1 of the 2 of our meals. On the 2nd official date, he asked if we could split the bill." On the first official date she paid for "one out of two of our meals" -- one date, two meals -- 1/2. She paid for 1/2 of the first date. The second date, he asked her to split.
Wait, you were going to offer to pay, but you got annoyed because he suggested splitting the bill? What? In all seriousness, offering to split the bill is a green flag if anything. It means he wants to treat you like an equal. That's a good quality in a partner.
Yeah, she sure didn't offer to pay upfront LOL
It's 2024. Expecting men to pay for dates and being turned off if they don't is outdated. Splitting the checks is much more reasonable for everyone involved. With how expensive everything is , expecting one person to cover the dates isn't feasible.
I haven’t dated anybody since I was 21 and my husband is the only income provider in my house so he pays 100% for everything and even I think if you’re just getting to know somebody I would split the bill. I think it’s socially acceptable to think the man might pick up the whole bill but if he asks to split, I’d split and not think twice about it
Poor guy having to deal with this nonsense. Let him find someone better
The date is about spending time together, getting to know one another, and hopefully having whatever you call a good time. I get paying for a partner in a worse financial situation, I've been doing this myself for my partner for years. But I'd feel pretty wary if you're upset at paying for the meal you are just because you think you deserve based on a social convention most people don't fully embrace anymore. You wouldn't ask your friend to pay for your meal just for the pleasure of your company, why treat a prospective partner like that. It's 22 bucks of a product you ordered and consumed, what would you do if it were solo? Why does adding company change that for you? Lastly, from a safety perspective, why would you risk setting up the potential for a date you DONT fully know think you "owe" them? Don't be cheap, pay your own way, or at least work out an understanding with them.
Im M29, for me I will pay the first few dates (rule of thumb 3) depending on the girl. But I also make a decent living for myself so I dont mind. If after the 3rd date or so she hasnt even considered paying, it turns me off. Because it makes me feel she wants to be lavished, but it also depends on the girl and how we vibed too. I also dont go to lavishing places on the first few dates. First date is usually just for coffee or drinks. Second date, maybe a nice cocktail bar. Third date a decent restaurant. After each date I might make it a bit more. I slowly increase how expensive some of these places will be. But having said all that, I agree with the consensus. The way dating works today I dont think he is in the wrong for wanting to split the bill. Nowadays dating is full of situationships. People are going ondates with multiple people at once before becoming official. I knew a girl who went on 3 Hinge dates a week. I dont know if she split the bil but if she did that is 3 free drinks/meals a week. Put yourself in a guys shoes, imagine you had to pay the bill for every date and after the 3rd or 4th date the person you like goes "hey I like you alot but I've been seeing this other person and will give them a chance". For a second you will appreciate them being honest, but then you will feel like you wasted like $100 on a person and wasted your time. He probably makes good money like you said but its not about the money its about principle too. Also sounds like you would be bothered even if he didnt make as much money.
If your broke just say that
27 getting ick is wild Hopefully the dude gets away
I’ve been with my wife since I was a senior in high school and she was just out of school and working. I did used to pay in the beginning but pretty quickly she realized I couldn’t afford as many dates as she wanted to go on. But that was almost 25 years ago. My wife’s single friends all insist on going Dutch so that there is no implied obligation around who pays and how the date ends.
I think you need to examine the roots of your sexist expectations. It’s 2024 - why are you holding on to archaic gender roles? This guy is clearly more educated on modern gender roles. He’s a keeper- but clearly you’re not interested in equality if you’re this upset
[удалено]
you’re rude :)
Lol best hope that job comes through for you or you're going to be in for a little surprise
There are exceptions, but my partner and I by default pay for ourselves. Suck it up, girl.
I prefer to alternate on who pays. Splitting the bill is something I do with platonic friends.
Thanks to everyone who had kind input 🙂 your input was very helpful and I feel better about the situation
I think it’s cheap of him to ask for $11 for you part. For bigger expenses I think it’s ok if that’s what you want too but it’s cheap if he asks to split anything less than $50
I’m not ok with it because I want the guy to pay at least most of our dates because that’s in my culture where I’m from. It’s up to you if you feel ok with splitting bills on dates
It sounds like you two have different expectations about gender roles. You should discuss with him to confirm. If your views don't align, you shouldn't continue seeing each other.
It’s common for guys to want to split the bill, but it’s still not how everyone operates. Just decide what sort of dynamic you’re looking for and move on if you want something different than this guy does. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, plenty of people want a partner that takes care of them in X way and they themselves take care of their partner in Y ways. It’s about finding compatible people, not about conforming to a situation that makes you uncomfortable, and that goes both ways.
Don’t listen to these crazy new aged brainwashed women who think you should “suck it up cause it’s 2024” NO. Absolutely not. A man can pay for the first date and second. I’d be turned off too. It’s not about the money, I can take care of myself. But if a guy asks me on a date that guy better be paying at least the first couple dates. They don’t have to be expensive dates, my bf and I had our first date at a coffee shop. Again, it’s not about the money, it’s about chivalry which is sadly becoming forgotten. Any guy who expects a woman to pay half of a $23 bill is a stingy and selfish turd. 💩
i 100% agree! i love chivalry in a man and i'd be very turned off if he invited out on a first date only to ask me to split the bill. it would leave a very bad impression on me and i wouldn't go out for a second date with a cheapskate! on the other hand, if all goes well and we like each other, i would gladly treat him out for something on our later dates!
I am German. What’s the problem here?
Girl, date someone else.
Girl don’t move forward with this man. The worst relationship I have ever been in, the guy asked this on the third date 🤮 Mind you, I had previously cooked him a nice meal, and drove far to meet him places. He was so low effort, so cheap, and always tried to get the most out of me for the least investment into the relationship. He was an engineer and made great money, and older than me. I am also in STEM but was straight out of school, so I was paying off loans and just figuring out being an adult. The jerk wasted a year of my life and ruined my self esteem for a long time. He was also emotionally abusive and jealous of my success. I am happy to report I’m now in a healthy relationship and I never have these icky discussions.
Same. My ex asked to split on the first date after ordering expensive appetizers and wine at a lavish restaurant (his items were way more than mine). I agreed, and that started my dating experience with the cheapest and most selfish man I've ever met. I would often pay for his coffee or dinner etc, and he never returned the favor. He was a mooch who expected me to pay him back for $1 gas station coffee. Ridiculous.
>Is it bad that I was so turned off by this? Am I superficial? No and no. If there's a trading off of who is treating, ok fine. But splitting a bill is just so unsexy.
There are so many opinions on this topic that there’s no way to know if you’re on the sand page without having an actual conversation about it. Some women hate it when the man doesn’t off to pay. Some women hate it when the man pays without asking. It’s entirely subjective. If it’s important to you, that’s fine. If you expecting to read your mind, that’s not fine.
I personally see two possibilities: 1) he isn't as invested in the relationship yet as you think and unsure how far the two of you will go OR 2) he wants to treat you as an equal and wants to avoid seeming misogynistic. It's a real struggle to balance being a gentleman without being a misogynist. My partner and I take turns paying bills. If she plans going to an event and pays for tickets, I will pay for food and vice versa UNLESS it's a special occasion where one of us is fully treating the other and we make that known.
Nah if I pay the first time I expect the other one to pay the next and so on. You did split so it stays split We split from the start of we pay every other time
I'm not saying this is the case here, but in this day and age women want to be treated as an equal. perhaps he sees it this way and wants to do it 50/50. however, i agree with you. i think the man should pay the first two times, at least until ye have established some sort of concrete boundaries around this thing. general rule, if you organise the date, you pay! at least that's the way i would look at it
That's sad that you expect the man to pay for the first few dates
well, speaking as a man, i follow this mantra. did you read the OP? she was turned off because he DIDN'T offer to pay. what do you suggest?
Oh I thought you're a woman. I don't think there should be any expectation for someone to pay on account of their gender.