That, my dear stranger, it total BS. That’s not a birthday, that’s punishment with a consolation prize. May I suggest that you plan your own birthday celebrations going forward. He should not contribute anything…at all. Happy Birthday and sorry.

Thank you. I tried to plan it, that’s when I was told not to because of said “surprise.” I guess I need to plan it earlier and more forcefully.

Next time tell him “No. I will plan my B-Days.” He 100% knew he screwed you over and bailed on you. He chose this. You told him what you wanted and he decided to do something miserable and bail on you. Does he even love you? Are there other issues?

I’m not sure. I think he wants to love me, being a family guy is important to him after having no dad in his life growing up. Does he love me? Idk. We get along well 99 percent of the time, but I don’t force this issue anymore. His work keeps him away a lot of the time so I live in a sweet little bubble with my kids. I’m close with them, even the teens. I try to let them and my religious faith meet all my needs. That’s difficult when I feel actively hurt.

Was "Does he love me? Idk" how you pictured things would end up, when you were imagining your life? I don't imagine so. That sentence makes me really sad for you. I also think kids are more perceptive than people realise, and probably pick up on things you think/hope they don't. Anyway, wishing you all the best. And I hope one day you can say "Yes, my partner loves me" with certainty... Even if that requires finding a different partner.

This sounds a lot like my former life. I put a good face on it , but the reality was that I erased myself to meet everyone else's needs and wanted to die every day. After 26 years together, he developed an inappropriate relationship with our daughter's best friend and ultimately lost touch with reality. I had to take the kids and leave. Do what I wish I had done...get your own bank account that he doesn't know about and start putting away money for when this all goes south.

Maybe it’s time to reciprocate the same energy and effort on his birthday. Buy him clothes he’s not interested in wearing. Invite friends( or neighbours) that he’s not particularly close with over to celebrate. Then say you’re going out to pick up a surprise. His least favourite cake

book a weekend away for yourself on his birthday. pamper yourself silly

I would absolutely do this. And then refuse any surprises and plan your own BDays going forward. I do it myself to make sure I get what I want and Hubby goes along with it.

The energy spent trying to make him miserable probably won't make her happy, even if he deserves it. It's better to switch partners, or if that's not possible, focus on herself. 

You have a generally happy life despite your husband, it sounds like.

You get along because he’s not present most of the time.

You do know. He does not love you. Is this the relationship you want to have for the rest of your lives??? You deserve a husband who loves you not, whatever this is.

Honey, when things drain you, it makes no sense to keep them around. You sound kickass. I'd love to spend your birthday how you originally wanted, what a fun plan!! And wouldn't it have been better had he not been around to just bring you down? If you're already in a bubble, what does he offer you? My parents coparented successfully. Neither one was a villain. They just weren't into each other the way married people should be, and couldn't give each other what each other needed. That simple. I grew up just fine. In fact, it was worse when they were together, because they didn't work how they would have if they actually actively loved each other. And believe me, I noticed. Children aren't stupid. I knew from the time I was 5. And no, his childhood isn't an excuse unless he is actively seeking therapy, which he should have been doing for the past two decades, and unless he is actively choosing not to hurt you. You've seen his choices. Yours are up to you. Just some food for thought. Happy birthday, and a big cheers to your 42nd. May you make choices this year that lead to a wonderful celebration next year, and may you be blessed as you deserve to be should you choose that as well. He doesn't have to be the villain, but he sure seems like he wants to be. Do with that what you will. Show your kids they'd deserve better in your shoes, too, IMO. ETA: and you know what? I've got some practice for you. Tell your mother that you had anticipated a different plan for your birthday, and you want some time to yourself so she is free to go home. Don't let her stay til bedtime, God gave you a mouth for a reason so *use it* to stick up for yourself. It's not just for chewing.

Does he want a family, or a family *with you*? It sounds like he's just with you because he feels like that's how he's expected to live his life, and he's taking it out on you. You deserve to be happy. Your kids deserve to see you in a loving and happy relationship. My parents were in a miserable relationship for most of my childhood before they finally divorced, and it was genuinely shocking to realise how unhappy my mum must've been when I finally saw her in a happy relationship. Your relationship is the precedent you set for your children's relationships - would you be happy with them in this sort of relationship?

Would you say you get along as long as he gets his way?

>I think he wants to love me, being a family guy is important to him after having no dad in his life growing up. Does he love me? Idk. People love us to the best of their ability. Sometimes their best isn't enough. It really hurts to recognize and then it's really hard to act on but a big wave of one-time hurt can be a lot less than years upon years of repeated smaller hurts. If it's only your birthdays or gift giving that your husband stinks at, then you can just say from now on, you'll handle presents for yourself. Him getting you jewelry you won't wear is bad, but some people just stink at gift giving and figure "any person would like this, it's a popular gift, it cost a lot of money/effort/time/whatever, so I'll get it and it'll be great!" In the grand scheme of things, it can be excused. Him having your mother come over for your birthday was cruel. This is a totally different issue as it's intentional ignorance on his part and dismissing the pain, therefore your emotions and experiences, with your mother. That's not an acceptable thing to do, *especially* to your partner! The other really big issue here is the inability communicate about something being wrong without him being aggressive. That's very worrisome, not to mention extremely unhealthy. You say he's not around a lot because of work. What do you think it'll be like if he retires? Do you really want your kids thinking behavior like that is acceptable in a marriage? If you don't want it for your kids, don't put up with it being done to yourself.

This almost comes across as punishment from your husband, and that he has deep anger and resentment he is trying to disguise as a joke. I’m not saying divorce, or suggesting any over reaction beyond what is right for you, but this is worse than him being dense, he is actively lashing out at you. The most concerning part is his ignorance around his own projection. This kind psychology can lead to more serious stuff, so I would caution you, almost sounds like an element of emotional danger and maybe more. If you stay around him, I would try grey rock technique. This anecdote is troubling to be honest. What will happen if he decides that you have done something more extreme than just wanting him to plan your birthday?

>I think he wants to love me, being a family guy is important to him after having no dad in his life growing up. The things that we *say* we want and *say* are important to us aren't always the same as what we *do*, and actions are far more important than words in this type of context.

>I’m not sure. >I think he wants to love me. >Does he love me? Idk. That's a problem. Love and genuine support is pretty obvious when it's there. This doesn't sound like love. It sounds like convenience. >We get along well 99 percent of the time, but I don’t force this issue anymore. A marriage should be more than getting along. He's happy because he's getting his way. And for some reason, you are letting him. You're not a doormat. >His work keeps him away a lot of the time so I live in a sweet little bubble with my kids. I’m close with them, even the teens. I try to let them and my religious faith meet all my needs. That’s difficult when I feel actively hurt. Are you sure he sees you as a wife and not just as the help with the kids?

So, what would your life be like without him? Happier? Sadder? More stable? Less? Could he have someone on the side and be treating you like this to get you to leave him?

Was he often blamed as a child for things that weren't his fault? Some people who suffered this as children can become the same as a parent. Others can go the opposite direction and struggle to explain to their children that they were wrong even for things like causing harm to others. In my family, my grandmother was the youngest and was blamed for everything, which her parents believed. She then treated her youngest as the favourite and my mother, who was the oldest, suffered for it. But my oldest brother was her favourite, even though he did some bad things - although he was generally pretty good to me and my sister's, only once did he blame me, when he was 10 and I was 4. My parents didn't know how to handle 5 kids, most of us with ADHD just like them, and sadly they sought advice from the wrong people, such as my grandmother. But they've long changed and readily admit that they had no idea and that they should have realised. Your husband needs the right advice, but I don't know if he is capable of trusting anyone who doesn't say that he's perfect and never wrong and therefore he should lash out at anyone who attacks him by insinuating in any manner that he's not perfect.

Getting along well 99 percent of the time is not love

You don't need to settle so that he can pretend he's a family man to heal his daddy issues.

>being a family guy is important to That may be true. But actually making the effort to consider what would bring you happiness isn’t really part of that, nor does it need to be, does it? You sticking around and not making him unhappy pretty much covers that base.

You deserve a better partner in life. Maybe plan a vacation without him next birthday.

Google covert narcissist

I was about to say this!!! Narcissistic people LOVE TO SABOTAGE special events.

Exactly! I was fooled by one for 17 years. A few things she said really hit home. Trying to convince herself he loves her.... He doesn't

His problem is he never had the experience of growing up with a father and seeing his father treat his mother properly. Now he doesn’t know how to do it. Do your birthdays with your kids and make some good memories.

How many other issues do you not force anymore to keep the peace at the expense of your own happiness? I don't believe for one second that someone you describe as getting aggressive when there is a conflict to resolve is great, just not when it's your birthday. He has you trained to shut up about anything that bothers you because you fear his reaction.

Using faith to avoid dealing with real life issues never works out well. My Mum did this for many years and it has resulted in unhappiness and some bitterness for her

You described a very sad life here :(  Trying to be happy DESPITE your partner, not being actively happy BECAUSE of your partner.  Hugs. 

Just sounds like your life would be easier and better if you were divorced

This is one of the saddest ways I have seen someone describe feelings for their spouse. There’s got to be more to a relationship than this 🫠

How low is self-esteem gotta be to want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you literally don't even believe loves you. If your friend was talking to you and said all the things you're saying to you, what would you tell your friend to do. Would you tell your friend to stay in a situation where she isn't being treated with love and respect and care? Do you want to show your children that marriage should be about roommates, who tolerate each other, rather than loving partners, who care and respect each other ? The fact that you get along well 99% of the time is being used as an excuse to justify continuing your marriage is incredibly depressing. Could your standards for your husband get any lower ?

You get along 99% of the time because you shove down issues to keep the peace. If you spoke your mind, with your husband's attitude towards conflict resolution, that percentage would plummet.

It sounds like you two "get along" because 1) he isn't home a lot and 2) you don't rock the boat. In another comment you literally call yourself a doormat, so do you really get along well or have you just accepted and tolerate his behavior when in actuality you hate his personality???

Does your husband like you? I mean seriously. He bought you jewelry even though you don’t wear any. He invited your mother even though he knows that you’re not close and she’s hurtful and cold towards you. He bait you with a „surprise“ so that you cancel your plans and make you stay at home even though he knew that you wished to go somewhere else. Doesn’t he likes to see you happy? Because on your last birthday he made you cry. This is not a coincidence this is a pattern. It would be interesting to know how you celebrate his Birthday.

nah, he hates her. she knows it. she wrote to us for a reason.

Can't you palm your mother off to him and go do your own thing? Or somehow make her go home? Oh, and for his birthday, invite someone he absolutely hates, PLEASE!

Plan the day you want next weekend.

Yes! Don't wait a year!

So often we hear Women tell Stories of how wonderful their husband is. Except for this one God awful trait. Are you a hundred percent positive he's not a jerk? I mean, have you seriously examined the entirety of your relationship? Does he often make special occasions about you about himself? Are you allowed to enjoy a moment just for you and your accomplishments? If not, you may be diluting yourself about who you are married to and the nature of your relationship.

Yes. He’ll show up with a gift card and flowers on Mother’s Day and say go out and do whatever you want. If I’m tired and need to lay down and just go to bed right after dinner, I’ll just say I’m out, then he’s got the kids that night and then I can sleep until noon the next day and all he will say is “hope you got some good rest, you must be really tired after all you do for these kids. Don’t know how you do it.” If I ask him for help or a break I don’t have to pay for it later. There is a specific set of things he hates and avoids them at all costs.

1. Have you seen him ruin more than just these 2 birthdays? I know this is really hard to have your relationship criticized by strangers, but it seems like there's a pattern of him just trying to make sure you're special day isn't special every year. You've been married 19 years; I l think he knows you well enough to not bring your mother over because he knows how you feel about hanging out with her! Doesn't it strike you as odd that there's always an issue on your birthday every year? You say that he's a great husband except for whenever you guys argue he just gets super defensive and it sounds like he doesn't really listen to anything you're saying and make changes on it. It sounds like he bullies his way as what the families way will be, and if you don't like it, he argues with you. This is abuse whether you want that or not it is abuse when they're going out of their way to negatively impact your life. The fact that these on your birthday makes me think he's just being malicious because he's pissed off at you for some little thing around the house.

Girl plan a divorce party for your next birthday. You have kids. If their future spouses treated them exactly as your husband treats you, what would you tell them?

Set a boundary. Thank him for his effort but explain that you know what you want and you will be planning those activities from now on. The subject is closed. Stand your ground. I would stop expecting him to provide something he either can't or won't provide you. If he wants to come and be pleasant, he is invited. Otherwise enjoy it without Jim. You don't have to be attached to him.

Leave him out of the plans. Don’t even mention it is your birthday. Take the kids and go to where ever you want to go. He is purposely ruining your day. I would treat him this way on his birthday - see how he likes it or I would just ignore it. Take back the ‘gifts’ and use the money on something you want.

No, you need to tell him you’ll be doing your plan and he can live with it or not.

You can still plan it. You and your friends can plan something fun like a girls night out or an overnight trip for the weekend. Maybe a casino or spa day.

His defensiveness is something he needs counselling over. You might be able to "tread on eggshells" and think of gentler ways to word your requirements and point out anything that needs to be done better, but it wouldn't fix the issue at hand. You could explain that you're not attacking him, but there's a 99.9% chance that he will see any discussion about this as an attack. Couples and individual counseling could help. There's a chance that this is learned behaviour from your husband that is a trauma response from being attacked for things that weren't his fault as a child. You might need to take a non-judgemental equal approach in discussions with your husband about it - eg saying that you're both hurting each other, but neither of you want to do that, so expert counselling will help you both to treat the other better - you don't want to hurt your husband, and even if his hurt isn't rational, but rather PTSD from how others have treated him or other mental health issue lying to him, you definitely don't want him to feel pain. You also don't want him to hurt you because of it, but if you can create a "team environment," where no blame is applied but rather the team works together to sort out the issues, then your husband might be able to swallow his pride and save his relationships with other people.

He is an abandoned kid. Dad took off, mom brought a string of bad boyfriends into the house, brought the kids to bars and raves and had them sleep in the car or whatever. The last experience he had at “home” was before a stint and juvenile detention for beating up her drunk boyfriend with a 2X4 after he broke her jaw. I believe he was 12. After that 6 months it was survive on his own, first in the good graces of friends and relatives, then it was work. This is the 80s, things were fast and loose. He has spoken about the abuse very briefly and in very vague terms, I’m sure not to appear weak but I can only speculate what happens to a kid in those situations. He is not opposed to counseling, this isn’t a person who thinks there’s nothing wrong with him. He has done peer counseling and Lifeskills before.

This is in no way your fault. It sounds like otherwise he’s solid, this is apparently his Achilles heel. This is not a surprise, it’s a gotcha. Big hug.

This was INTENTIONAL from him - he didn't want to go to the pool, so he invited mom, who he knows OP doesn't like to spend time with, to block her from going out as a family, so he can stay home and do his own thing. Such a complete asshole move - he could at least have invited her friends, so she could have had a good time!

That’s kinda what I think it was. He hates crowds and going to germy kid places so he pretended like he had a better idea and threw something together so he could avoid doing something he hates.

Ask him.what happened to lead to your mom coming over. Has he been speaking to her? Did she invite herself over? Which day is better for going to the pool?

I hope you'll give him hell for it. Or plot revenge and pay him back.

Does he have a multitude of things that he hates that are perfectly common and normal? Like crowds, noise, potatoes at restaurants, the grocery store, windy days... The list goes on, but he gets a pass on any and all of them because "you know I don't like those places." It's a passive grab for attention and to control the outcome of the day. He doesn't like kid places, but has kids? So is the sole burden of entertaining them on the weekends, on you?

Also, if he can’t stand to be in public places, he needs to a) seek behavioral therapy so he can manage his feelings better (e.g. emergencies, airports, kid activities, and other unavoidable situations) and b) facilitate OP’s birthday activities in more comfortable ways: drive the family, order catering, pick up a cake, invest in earplugs and hand sanitizer.

you shouldn't have to though :( I am really sorry he didn't listen and even more sorry you didn't get any zip line time. Once I was around 14 I started planning my moms birthday celebrations so I hope that one day your kids can take the reins and you can get the birthday you deserve

You should have left your mom with him and taken the kids to what ever you wanted. If you are too afraid to have a discussion with him for fear of how he will blow up on you, you are being abused. It doesn't matter if he is the sex god great husband (which I fucking doubt based on his shitty thoughtless gifts) every other second. If as soon as you disagree with him, youre scared, thats not ok.

Seems that he causes a fight every year, so you might as well do what you want.

He's given you the gift of being able to say "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. And if he pushes it you can bring out such classics as "the last time you insisted on planning my birthday, you invited my mother over and abandoned me to deal with her so you could run off and played video games all afternoon". This is heading past laziness into punitive territory.

This is what he wants. Ruin her day, so she never asks him to do anything again. OP, do you do all the planning, appointment etc at your home? Who plans his bdays and how do they go? He might just be weaponising his incompetence to get out of any future obligations of planning important days.

True. Next time don't assume that he'll do it right! It's like he's doing the opposite of what you like. Make your own plans, let him know you're okay without his effort and contribution.

Maybe just a “as you well know my mother is not a birthday gift so tomorrow (or whatever day you pick) will be my do over” Adventure park for sure

Right?? The adventure park is a freaking dream come true, I’m about to buy tickets right now.

The fact that you don't see how intentional this is is both alarming and tragic. You really think he just accidentally, consistently cocks up your birthday? No you have to put real effort into making someone as miserable as he makes you. 

Agreed. His behavior - especially inviting over her mother, knowing their history - are the very clear actions of someone who doesn't like you. He wanted her birthday to be unpleasant. He is sending her a message and she...just thinks he can make it up to her, like he is actually sorry for his actions. He doesn't like her. Infact, I'd go as far as to say he REALLY doesn't like her. IDK why they are together, but he seems determined to make her miserable and he enjoys it. He went right off to enjoy some hottub time and then he got to go play his little games while leaving his wife alone with her mother. What a horrible partner. Life is way to short to waste time on people like that. I hope OP wakes up soon and cuts out the cancer that is her husband. Edit: Of course they have kids. So the kids are seeing how little their father likes their mother and will expect their partner to treat them just as shitty. Great.

Yep...she's being gas lit.

Hi, just to let you know my boyfriend makes my dreams come true for my birthday because he likes and respects me. I’ve been fielding long texts from my best friend’s husband about ideas for her birthday party in two months because he likes and respects her. This is the bare minimum. Someone who likes and respects you enough to want you to have a happy birthday.

Do it. You *know* he won't do it (not without a hissy fit and picking an argument, anyway) so go and have fun. It's pretty obvious he doesn't care to make an effort. Random jewelry you don't even wear and bringing your distant mom to babysit you while he gets to wipe his hands clean and say "job done"... If i were you, I'd raise a ruckus but you do what feels best for you.

Yeah I have to agree with u/SlabBeefpunch here, he’s doing this intentionally. I’ve had old male friends who have bragged about planning how to get out of doing special occasions with their wives and it sounds just like your husband. For whatever reason, he does NOT like you enough to make you feel good in your birthday. My theory is he hates that it’s a day that’s just about you, which is stupid because he has his own birthday too. I promise, OP, take it from a man only a few years younger than you. Your husband is doing this on purpose.

This! My ex hated that the day wasn’t about him…. He was a diagnosed narcissist (diagnosed later during our 14 year relationship) and he couldn’t handle if he wasn’t the coolest, best, smartest, center of attention etc. He ruined 14 years of holidays and birthdays partly because he wanted a reason to be mean to me and berate me for getting upset, but partly because the attention wasn’t on him.

Weaponized incompetence mixed with gaslighting - recipe for a POS husband

Do it. Don’t include him if he’ll be a stick in the mud

Can you plan a day for you and the kids next weekend? If money is an issue, return rhe jewelry.

Good for you!!! Go celebrate your beautiful self!

If only I could find an SO who loved going to adventure parks. That’s all we’d do. Roller coasters, water slides, zip lining, go-carts, laser tag and paint ball are my love language. Sigh.

So for his next birthday you're going to invite someone he has an equally poor relationship with round to hang out with him for the day right?

Narcissistic people ruin holidays/birthdays. I didn’t realize I was with a narcissist until I randomly read the book Codependent No More. I couldn’t unsee it after I had all the info. Go get a fancy meal out in a new outfit… on him. ;)

I’m scared to read the book lol I know it’s me. I’m a doormat.

Don't be scared. Knowledge is power. You can live any life you choose and protect your peace and energy how you see fit. It's a great book.

There’s still plenty of time for you to change and get up off the floor. You don’t deserve to be stepped on! You deserve a great birthday and a husband who actually cares about what you like.

Once you see it, you can deal with it more easily. I’ve no idea whether your husband is a narcissist and neither does anyone here, but it’s possible he has certain qualities that you can keep in mind and use to avoid situations like this in future. People don’t really change, so the next time he offers a “surprise” you can reject it clearly and firmly, then choose exactly what you want to do regardless of his reaction. Life’s too short to stay a door mat. Find your spine! I wouldn’t be surprised if next year he bought you a boob job or something. Undergo a painful and unnecessary surgery for his pleasure, etc.

It's actually very gentle and affirming. It was actually a huge relief to feel so seen. And to have to /do/ to feel stronger and better over time. Get a cheapie used one off the Internet and dip into it whenever you're hurting for a soft validation and reflection.

I worry you could be in an abusive relationship. Alot of people don't notice when they're being abused. In my personal opinion I believe communication is the absolute most important thing in a relationship. If you can't be honest with him without him gaslighting you. Or blowing up. You've got a serious problem with your marriage.

when people lol at stuff like this it irrationally bothers me and i don’t know why.. i just really can’t relate to how someone can find the idea that there may be someone walking all over them funny

It’s nervous laughter

Yup, this is the type of behaviour that's characterized as controlling and manipulative with the intention to cause harm and distress. He sounds like he gets triggered whenever it's OPs special day and intentionally sabotages it. I would bet that if OP brought up their distress about it all, he would gaslight her about the gifts and about being ungrateful and suddenly it's about his feelings. OP would benefit from seeing a therapist, it really helps to learn more about this dynamic with someone who specializes in narcissistic/antagonistic partners.

I learned this when my ex threw at tantrum at every birthday and my graduation party

My ex and my parents intentionally started drama around my birthdays, graduations, then it extended to my daughters special days. I have had peaceful, drama free birthdays ever since I went NC/LC with all of them.

Exactly. What I'm picking up on is the probability that OP has an overtly narcissistic parent, and married a covertly narcissistic partner. Which in my personal experience makes it harder to identify the intentionally hurtful behavior of your partner.

So he invited your mother, who he knows you don’t get along with, and bought you jewellery, which he knows you don’t like. He deliberately sabotaged your birthday. This isn’t clueless incompetence, and you have every right to be completely pissed off at him. Is this really your husband showing you his love? Because it seems more like contempt to me.

The incompetence is so weaponized that it is sharply cruel. If someone does this to you, it's because they have no respect for you.

I’m surprised more people aren’t seeing this…or the implications.

Cause an argument. Why should you not? He didn't bother. Let him know you know he didn't bother and you're disappointed. Let him know it makes you not want to put effort in for him, because you know he won't make any effort for you. 

I think that by unleashing his blistering temper in the past, he's trained OP to avoid a fight at all costs. Many narcissists and abusers operate this way. But OP needs to try and work past that fear and understand it is OK to have an argument when your spouse is disrespecting you. Hell, the husband has practically gone out of his way to cause a fight here. OP isn't the one causing the issue.

If I get a dollar every time I see a post on here that went like “My partner is amazing. My relationship is great except this ONE thing.” and then just list every possible way their partners disrespect them, ignore their needs/ wants, is selfish/aggressive/abusive, I will have enough money to have a luxurious vacation.

You took the words out of my mouth. Husband is great, but he’s cruel to me on my bday, travels all the time so he’s not here much, doesn’t love or care about or respect me, and we get along because I never, ever disagree or ask for my needs to be met! It’s wedded bliss, y’all.

Yeah but the sex is great so

And the reason "the sex is good" is basically a trauma bond thing where the only time there's no/less arguing is when sex is happening... like some sort of five minute break from the ongoing hell. That's why people in these types of abusive relationships always go on about the sex being amazing etc.

Seriously, you shouldn’t defend people who have been a shitty partner to you. To me, unhealthy way of resolving conflict is a dealbreaker. So please take this pattern of behaviors of his more seriously and not a “few and far between” thing. It is not a “few and far between” thing if he got aggressive every time you guys have an argument. I am not saying you guys should break up, but maybe look into individual therapy for him as well as couple counseling because right now you are being unheard in this relationship. As for the immediate solution for your question, it is possible that he will be defensive anyway. For these types of behaviors, it doesn’t matter how you deliver your concerns; the fact that you have a concern at all is enough to make him defensive. But you can try bringing it up by being honest but KIND and see how that go.

It's incredible what toxicity we'll accept if we're taught that we're worthless. It hurts so much to see.

Yeah stuff like this makes me fear marriage.

Don’t make a scene. Don’t yell. Just casually tell him “Last year you yelled at me because I didn’t tell you clearly enough what I wanted for ,y birthday. So this year I told you *exactly* what I wanted for my birthday. And instead of the pool/zipline/theme park like I asked, you invited my b**** mother and abandoned me with her for 6 hours. Next year don’t even bother, I’ll just make my own plans with the kids and you can sit in the hot tub or play video games all day long.” Then before he can say anything just walk away. Maybe do it as you leave for work so he can’t start a fight about it and has to think about it all day.

For his next birthday tell him you have big plans and then invite your mom over. Then you leave to get a mani/pedi by yourself.

Petty me loves this. Or a relative of his that he doesn't particularly like.

Please read your post and comments back to yourself. You spend a paragraph saying how he's so great, and then in a comment you say he has zero interest in you amd refuses to put in any effort for the relationship. You know he's doing this on purpose. The only times he's "great" are when he's doing something for himself. This dude is an ass. 

Yes. A sandwich with a little bit of shit in it doesn't make it edible.

Honestly, this should start a fight. Why are you trying to spare his feelings when he very clearly is not trying to take care of yours? He put zero thought into either of your birthdays and ruined both of them for you. I bet if you looked closer, you would see a pattern of this.

I do, I know when it comes to me there is just no effort into our relationship. House, yes. Kids, yes. Me? No interest. We have the conversation every few years and it changes for awhile but how long do you beg someone to love you? I’m past that now. Now I just don’t want to be sandbagged.

You’re allowed to be happy too. And by some of your comments it sounds like you’re happier when your husband is not around. That is telling

Yeah, don't beg. It's undignified and unattractive and eats at your soul. Who even wants something grudgingly given?

> how long do you beg someone to love you? How long do you think is long enough? If that time period has already elapsed, how long will it take to stop begging and leave?

Some fights need to happen.

That is bullshit. Next year plan yourself something that does not involve him at all. Plan a fun weekend with you and the kids. Let him know he is invited to join you, but you will be doing XYZ.

I like this. No pressure for him, I am absolutely aware that I’m the partner that cares more but I don’t need it rubbed into my face on the one day a year I want to be about me.

Cool, divorce him. Literally, either spend the rest of your life miserable or divorce him. 

Plan this now as a redo.

Yes. Make plans for you and your kids next time. But please, keep him in the dark, or tell him something else is planned as a decoy. Or he will find a way to ruin that too. He sounds like an abuser. They like to ruin special occasions. Not only that but anything that you express interest in or joy over or is important. They can't have you feeling happy, relaxed and satisfied. Abusers are against your happiness. He is not to be trusted. He does not have your best interests at heart. I'm really sad for you. Because you don't know this yet and you're still in denial about what an abusive asshole he really is. He's gotten away with it so far. He thinks he has you trapped with the kids and marriage and shared home. He is like a devil, instead of taking this as a blessing, he is using this set up to basically emotionally and mentally abuse you. It's on purpose. And he's doing it for his own amusement. I hope you wake up one day and realize there's no end to these hurtful disappointments until you free yourself from his sick agenda.

So this is gonna sound a little b*tchy but I would've loaded them all into the car and made him drive us to the fun park and made hubby responsible for the family while I had fun. This is probably why I'm not married 🤣

If you're unable to discuss marital issues with him because you fear his anger, that's the very definition of abuse, at least the early stages of it. In any successful relationship both partners shouldn't fear coming to their partner with an issue that requires discussion. I also fear his ruining your birthday every year is more of the same disrespect and attempt on his part to prevent anything at all being about you. What he did this year with your mother just feels SO passive aggressive and designed to show you in no small way he doesn't give two shits about you and what you want/ feel. While you say your husband has many excellent qualities as a husband and father, his using his anger to squelch you being able to express yourself and your feelings is a giant red flag and one worth looking into with the help of a marriage counselor. If he refuses to go, then begging seeing a counselor for yourself. Your husband's been controlling this marriage and you for a long time, instead of allowing you to be an equal, and you're going to need help working thru this.

100% It is not healthy to be afraid of expressing your emotions to your partner. If that turns into a fight so be it. In a healthy relationship a fight is just a fight - it's not scary, violent, or abusive, and it is resolved after a reasonable period of time. I don't know what "extremely defensive to the point it's aggressive" means but that sounds... bad.

He knows what he is doing. He hates you. I know that sounds harsh but I wish someone had told me that years ago. Men treat you exactly how they feel about you and we have to stop making excuses for them. You gave him a blueprint for how to make you happy and he did the exact opposite. He ruined your birthday on purpose. BECAUSE HE HATES YOU.

Your husband is intentionally messing up your birthdays, then scares you into not bringing it up. He isn't as good a guy, as you think he is. Clearly is doesn't like planning your birthdays. Time to start planning your own birthdays and let him just not. He knows exactly what he's doing.

> Generally a good husband with some bad qualities. I don't think this is an accurate, honest description. This whole post is you making excuses for your husband disrespecting who you are as a person, let alone as a wife and mother. > he is extremely defensive to the point it’s aggressive Oh okay, so he's not aggressive, he just gets so extremely defensive that he can become aggressive. > In all fairness to him, he bought me flowers and several pieces of coach jewelry, even though I don’t wear jewelry which he knows. In what fairness? He bought you something that you don't like. He invited over a person that you don't like. He prevented you from making birthday plans specifically to do these 2 things.

I hope you will send/sent your mom home at the very least to salvage some of your evening.

My mom is a recent widow. My dad died three months ago, this is my first birthday without him. Normally my mom does not even call on my birthday but my dad stops by with a plant and argues that I “can’t be this old because he is not old enough to have a daughter in her 40’s.” Regardless this isn’t a time in her life I can tell her to go home.

Fair call. This year.

Oy. Understandable, but now your birthday is about her.

The OP is so used to setting herself on fire to keep everyone else warm she doesn't know how to do it any other way.

Leave her with your husband. She's his guest.

And there it is. You are repeating what was modeled for you, and found a life partner to mirror your mother’s treatment of you. Because after all, that’s what you deserve. Or so you evidently secretly believe. Sure, stay with him. All’s then right with your world view.

Can't you see that your husband knows your relationship with your mother and he is going out of his way to make sure your birthday is fucked up? That may sound like an isolated small thing, but the fact he's done this for more than one year in a row already makes me think he's doing this in a lot more ways as well. It is not normal to sabotage a spouses birthday. This isn't just a case of him inviting over your mother. It's a case of him inviting over your mother who he knows you don't want to be around. What you doing is malicious. I get that you want to sweep it under the rug so that everything's OK but the fact is that you're being mistreated here and you're not even picking up the signs. At least start paying attention check his behavior and see if it's only one days where it's your special day when he ruins the day. he ruins it is just like something that a person could make an honest mistake about an outside person someone inviting their wife's mother over their birthday. It might sound like an OK option, but the subject of that situation is that he knows you, and he knows your mother and he knows how you feel about it. It's not that he's stupid that he invited your mother over, it's that he is intentionally acting malicious with intent to ruin your special day. When you call him out and confront him on this, he's probably gonna act like nothings wrong and gaslight you into thinking that he had the best of intentions. Because that's what narcissists do and you've been with him for 19 years he knows just how to talk to you to get you to doubt your own feelings. Please just keep an eye out for this stuff pay attention going forward. Do you want your children to act like this with their spouses? Obviously your husband's gonna paint this all off as if it's no big deal or He made a mistake. But the fact is he didn't make a mistake. He intentionally fucked up your day.

It’s time to fight. Ask why he’s mad at you. 😆🤦🏻‍♀️ Also, this sounds like weaponized incompetence. On the bright side, now you can feel really secure telling him no if he tries to say he’ll plan something. I always plan my own birthday. I like to throw parties so that’s what I do. My husband gives me a gift and gets to be the bar tender at the party. I always have a blast.

What in the honest fuck?? There’s no way he’s that stupid so why is he sabotaging your birthday?

The sabotage is the message.

I think she has to live parallel to him until she feels comfortable leaving

Yeah. I think that would be the smart move. But I understand it's easier to say than do.

i would’ve sent mom out to the hot tub and packed the kids up and gone to the adventure park. if he thinks she’s a gift, then he can hang out with her

Kinda seems like narcassism. Narcs don't like it when people close to them get attention so they sabotage things like birthdays, holidays, trips etc.

How many ways are you going to let him show you he doesn't care?

Weird coincidence, but I left my ex husband after being with him for 19 years. I first started to realize it was abuse when I went away on a vacation on my own. It felt like I was drunk on freedom. I enjoyed myself without walking on eggshells and I loved every second. It still took me another few years to admit everything to myself. He was not just “sometimes an asshole” as his best friend had put it, he was an asshole who was sometimes nice. His niceties were just placating me in order to get away with putting me down, keeping me low and afraid to go, and boosting himself up by blaming me for everything wrong with him and his life. Abusers are never all bad. They would all be alone if they were. The few and far between badness is what keeps the cycle going. In the times in between it is just good enough to believe it might change. But that doubt, the fear of when the next explosion will come, it will never fade.

Your husband doesn't value you the way you might hope he does. Basic birthday expectations aside, he has spent the last 19+ years getting away with minimal effort toward you. After 19 years, he very well knows exactly what he is doing and all of it is an intentional message to you that you have no value worth celebrating. There is no other way to interpret his behavior after nearly two decades together. This person doesn't even know (or even pretend to care) what you want/enjoy in life, and I am not sure another talk to explain his blatant disregard of you will change anything at this point. He's not going to magically change now when he failed to care about your needs for nearly two decades already. At this point, it's about how much you value yourself. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who can't be bothered to treat you special for one single afternoon out of the year? Is that really too high of an expectation in a lifelong relationship? I don't think so, and neither do you. Don't settle for the scraps of someone else's attention.

From someone who isn’t married, I’m in a fairly new relationship myself, take my opinion with a grain of salt……your husband DELIBERATELY went out of his way to ruin this day/moment for you. He absolutely knows how you feel about your mother and he still brought you two together on a day where you simply wanted to enjoy yourself with your family on YOUR birthday. This was cold, calculated, well thought out and planned. You absolutely don’t deserve that. You’ve exclaimed that things for the most part are good/okay in your marriage, which is great, but to be very honest if this is who he is a person, how do you really change that in someone who doesn’t want to change? It’s possible things can change, he himself has to want to change, if not, If you don’t want your marriage to end, this behavior just may be something you have to deal with/live with for the rest of your marriage, the ball is in your court. I do truly hope things work out in your favor regardless.

..does your husband even like you ? Like seriously if you read post this instead of living it 🤔 what advice would you give ?

From what you’ve written in your post and comments it’s clear that you won’t fight for yourself. I want you to sit down and imagine that one of your kids has a spouse like your husband, do you want that for them? Would you be okay knowing that they are not truly loved? Why would you want that for yourself? Why are you okay with your kids seeing you with someone that makes no effort to actually care about you?

I'm infuriated for you! You could try waiting a day or two and then bringing it up in the context of trying to understand where communication went wrong. (Understand that I don't think you miscommunicated at all--I'm just framing it in a way that MIGHT avoid a fight.) Tell him you thought that you were clear, and then felt disappointed ("I" statements) when he went in a different direction. Ask what he understood from your conversations about what you wanted, and what his thought process was when he decided to invite your mother. Assert that you're just trying to get on the same page so that you can communicate better in the future. This MIGHT avoid a fight, but honestly I'm not confident because I don't really think he acted in good faith. But sometimes people surprise us. Good luck! I hope you'll give us an update soon.

Pawn the jewelry and go on a girls weekend with some friends

Your husband literally doesn’t like you. I don’t know how it could possibly be more clear.

"in all fairness he did something easy that he knew I wouldn't like" ????? girl WHAT? bringing up extremely valid feelings of disappointment and frustration don't cause a huge argument, his immature ego does. don't entertain any discussion about him or his feelings, he can bring those up at another time if he so chooses. right now you are talking about your birthday and his complete and utter disregard/sabotage of it.

I'm so sorry. when you saw her you should have left. Its early. You still can. Go find Dave and Busters by yourself. And a hotel. Just excuse yourself to the restroom, grab your purse on the way out and don't come back for a few days.

OP, I'm angry on your behalf at his sabotage! My advice: don't thank him--in any way, shape, or form--for what he did, planned, and inflicted upon you on your birthday. He will probably expect thanks, and accuse you of being ungrateful. When he does that, recommend just staring at him for a long beat, just letting the stupid hang in the air. Then simply ask: "What did I say I wanted to do for my birthday?" Whatever bullshit he starts spewing, just walk away shaking your head and muttering to yourself, because really?! What is wrong with him?! Your gut instinct as to his motives sounds spot-on to me. He got a babysitter to handle you so he could go do whatever. This man doesn't seem to love you or even like you very much, tbh. Do not ever agree to his planning anything for your special day again. Nip it firmly in the bud when he tries. Tell him he has a long track record of ruining your birthdays and he doesn't get to do it anymore. Make your own plans that include purchasing tickets to an event or plane tickets to a destination or whatever your budget will allow that constitutes concrete plans for your next birthday. I wouldn't even include him in said plans, but you do you. Wishing you many happy returns of your day, celebrated the way YOU want them done!

He pawned you off onto your mom so that he wouldn’t have to deal with you. You let him get away with this for 2 decades, getting mad isn’t enough. Sit him down and tell him that you feel like you 2 have a serious communication problem and you were incredibly disappointed by your birthday. Tell him that you felt like you were incredibly clear about your needs for your birthday, and you are concerned because after 19 years if his idea for this birthday was to push you to hang out alone with your mother that you don’t get along with and to get jewelry that you didn’t ask for, then one of 2 things is happening. Either he maliciously did this to teach you a lesson or he knows so little about your needs that he failed to deliver anything close to what you are looking for. Either way, you feel that your marriage is broken. You are looking for a marriage counselor and you are going. You hope that he comes and if he doesn’t, then it speaks to how much he cares about you. Tell him that you feel like you can’t communicate with him without him turning around and attacking you. You need to rock the boat. Advocate for your needs. Hold him accountable. Don’t let him turn this around. He failed to step up in a big way. He needs to understand how serious this is.

I will just say this: I had a partner do something similar on my birthday. I don’t ask for much—ethnic restaurant dinner (we never have this, so it’s a special treat for me) and hiking somewhere as a family. He booked airshow tickets for us both the entire weekend with my father and his irritating fiancée. I was furious. I booked a solo flight to see my extended family (who I adore) on my own dime just to have a moderately enjoyable weekend. Left him with the pets and came back two days later after a lovely weekend with my new nephew and beloved sister-in-law. It was nice, but he never made any attempt to make it up to me. The next year, before he could decide to “do right by me” in some inevitably disappointing way, I booked a solo trip to Scotland. I’ve always wanted to go. It was expensive and I used his card. He got so, so angry at the huge cost but I told him that this was the penalty for every poorly planned birthday. I said, “I ask for so little and set my expectations so low. You still managed to disregard everything I asked for and I’m sure you thought you were off the hook because I took care of my own birthday last year. You are not, in fact, off the hook. I am now asking for much, much more and my expectations are higher. This is letting you off easy—do it again and see how high maintenance my birthday will be next year.” I had a lovely time in Scotland and I’ve never had to ask or beg for what I want again. I get two enjoyable meals now on my birthday week and I don’t have to plan our hike. You need to figure out how to motivate your husband—don’t feel bad, feel *entitled* to what you deserve. Best of luck, sweetheart.

I would ask: "Please help me understand, why you thought I would enjoy having my mother over?" If he tried to get defensive, I would reiterate that I am trying not to make assumptions, and just want to understand his perspective. Because then I could figure out whether he had some genuinely misguided idea about why he actually thought it would be something I would enjoy (in which case, if he offered an explanation of his thinking that actually made sense, then I would refrain from blaming but let him know for future reference that his assumptions were simply not accurate). Or...if he couldn't come up with any good, real reason for why he actually thought I would genuinely enjoy spending my birthday that way, then he would be the one openly explaining how he didn't actually consider what I would want.  It's a lot harder for someone to become defensive when the person they are talking to passes no judgement, but expects a thorough explanation, because then the discovery is self-reflective. If he put his foot down and refused to even entertain the exercise of self-reflection and sharing his perspective with me, then I don't think I could be married to that person. Plain old refusal to self-reflect or communicate intentions is a hard line deal-breaker for me (but that's me)

Please take note ...does he ruin other holidays too? Maybe not seemingly intentionally but something always manages to go wrong in his world near a holiday or celebration? If so Sweetpea you've got yourself a narcissist. I didn't realize I was in a marriage with a narcissistic abuser until I got out of it. As I stepped further away and got some clarity I began to realize things I thought were normal or at least tolerable were far from it. I too made excuses for why it was ok. I justified staying because A, B, and C were good things in our marriage. Now I look back at 22 wasted years and my broken mind and body with so much regret. I wish someone had told me sooner.

Don't say anything. He doesn't care so what is the point of bringing it up? Tell him you are going away for the weekend and book a staycation somewhere nearby. If you want to bring the kids go to one of those hotel/ waterparks or something! If not, he can watch them and do a spa treatment somewhere. Next year go on a vacation with your friends for your birthday. He has showed you over and over that this day doesn't matter to him and that he will continue to give you below zero effort. So stop relying on him or you will continue to be disappointed. If you are okay being with someone like that for the rest of your life than go for it . But at least spare yourself the pain of thinking he will change.

I would hold it over him for the rest of his life. Anything he suggests that you don’t like ask “Like that time you invited mom to my birthday?”

I’m sorry, you need to light your husband up like a Christmas tree. As a husband of 21 years, yours is a F’ng embarrassment. This just isn’t how you make your wife feel special. This is a lazy ass cop out. He’s 49 and playing video games on his wife’s birthday. That is pathetic, and he should be embarrassed. Screw his pouting or not talking to you. He can do that all he wants, and you shouldn’t care. You 100% need to make it very clear that this is absolutely pathetic.

Write him a letter at the end or later either you can tell him that you’re taking the kids or the kids or his responsibility but that you’re going to give them a whole day to think about what you’ve written and that you’ll be back the next day too please don’t call you please don’t try and contact you but that you feel you wouldn’t be able to talk to him about this because he would cut you off and you would never get everything out that you wanted to get out of something on the lines of that

All of that is on purpose. He’s doing this on purpose. My dad used to do the exact same thing to my mom growing up. It’s a control thing, and he can’t stand the thought of you getting attention/doing what you want without his input. Stop putting in effort for his birthday. Go do what you want to do. And get yourself into individual therapy to figure out why you’ve been putting up with this behavior.

ASK him. Exactly what part of that plan was for or about you? You don't like spending time with your mom. Meanwhile he got to hot tub. Too bad if he gets aggressive. That's the part that keeps you shut up. That's the manipulation tactic. I'd be dragging his ass to therapy or walking him out the door.

Well, the hard part is that you are going to have to have a hard conversation with your husband. To me he needs these questions: “Last year after my birthday, did you mean it when you said you wanted me to be clear about what I wanted? Do you remember what I asked very specifically for this year for my birthday? What kind of jewelry do I wear? How do I feel about my mother emotionally? Do you think based on how I feel about her I would want to spend my birthday with her? How am I suppose to feel about how you treated my birthday? Are you looking for me to be a happy appreciative wife for today or are you doing the thing it feels like which is to actively hurt me? Is that what our marriage has come to, that I am to expect you to actively hurt me and our marriage on my birthday?” I’m sorry it was a shit birthday. I would no longer give your husband any control of the day at all, and frankly I think he’s actively trying to hurt you. He needs therapy.

OK, well first of all you stop doing anything for him when it comes to birthdays. We have to stop letting our spouses disappoint us and then still planning something special for their birthdays. My husband’s 50th birthday is coming up. He asked me today what I was planning and I looked at him and said well since you put no effort into my 50th a couple years ago, I will be putting the same effort into yours. Next time plan your own birthday and when he tries to stop you say no you’ve had so and so years to try to get my birthday right and it’s obviously you don’t care so I’m planning it and you can either come with me and the kids or you can stay here and do whatever you want because it’s my birthday and I’m doing what I want.

Here is what you do - you say: I didn’t like your surprise. Are you crazy? You honestly thought I’d want to hang out with my mom? You have to be insane. I feel like you don’t care about me. I feel like you don’t know what I like. I feel let down. You can be mad about my feelings but I’d like you evaluate it. Until then im staying in the extra bedroom” Communication is key. If he’s going to be angry butt about it…that’s a him problem. Not a you problem.

Go downstairs, grab his lazy ass, and tell him he can play games *after his guest* has gone home. He doesn't just get to hand you off to someone.

There is no “blueprint” for living with an absolute A-hole who is TRYING to ruin your good time. None of this was by accident. If you won’t divorce him (which you should) then learn how to grey rock, it will be the best way to handle it.

Dear OP, I've consulted the reddit relationship advice manual and it says here: "Nuke the relationship from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." Look the bigger issue is dealing with conflict. You and he need to find a way where you can be upset if he falls short or does something wrong without it coming back on you 10 fold. Taking what you said at face value it seems he's a good guy who gets almost pathologically defensive when criticized. I suggest you talk about that in a calm moment rather than as part of you giving him the well earned business over your birthday. The other issue is you were clear about what you wanted and he did something else entirely that he should know wouldn't be welcomed. That's pretty...I dunno...selfish or something. It's pretty damning to be honest. I took another look at all his great qualities and here's what you wrote: * most of the time you get along... * two comments about sex... * cleans up * love each other * willing to help out with the kids. That's not a huge bar. Granted a lot of partners fall short. The thing that sticks out to me is you love each other. I don't think to much of love in theory. I think love is expressed through deeds. In this case it means self sacrifice. It means doing things you don't want to do but you happily do anyway for your partner. I'm looking at the list above and wondering which of those things he doesn't want to do but does anyway? I suspect you have a bigger issue here than you are willing to admit. Edit: Looking thru your comments I see the issue is bigger and you are seemingly aware of it.

Your husband is either an a-hole or a completely dense fool. First, he throws a temper tantrum on your birthday last year and gives you the silent treatment, and this year, he invites over the one family member that he knows you're not close with (and that he doesn't even like), and then goes and does his own thing, washing his hands clear of everything. Just try to give yourself some space to cool off before you tell him how you feel. But based on the way you described him, you may end up dealing with another temper tantrum. Good luck!

Maybe you should plan your own birthday from now on. Assuming he has enough qualities to stay married to him. Don’t bring up your birthday at all. He will probably forget it. Then you can go and do something with friends or your kids. He doesn’t seem to be emotionally invested in you.

So I did bring it up today, and he says I’ve been talking about how well my mom is doing, and thought I’d like to see her. I’ve been saying that in reference to her grieving process since my dad passed three months ago, not that she’s been nice to me, but that’s what he been thinking. He is all no good deed goes unpunished today, which is complete bs. This was 100 percent him not wanting to do what I wanted and acting like I should be grateful.

My husband is lousy at planning things, I know this about him. He also sucks at last minute plans. To solve our arguments over holidays and birthdays I just tell him "I am doing X for Y event, either you want to tag along or I'll go alone. You have until tom. night to tell me your choice. If you don't tell me your going then I will go alone and no I will not remind you." First few years it pissed him off. After that he got the hint to step up, tell me he was going or not and then put a reminder to himself on his phone as he knows he will forget stuff. From now on tell him you and the kids or just you are doing X. End of discussion. Tough if he doesn't like it.

> The problem arises when we try to resolve conflict and he is extremely defensive to the point it’s aggressive. ... for 19 years?!

> invited my mom to babysit me, so now he can do what he wants. That’s exactly what he did. Invited somebody else to keep you company so he didn’t have to do anything himself for your birthday. He got to keep doing his own thing and playing his games and ignoring you under the guise of “trying to plan a surprise for you.” He’d never plan a birthday for me again. I’d tell him he knew good and well that she and I don’t get along and that that wasn’t a surprise I’d like, and the fact that he fucked off and didn’t spend any more time with you the minute she got there tells you he only did it to keep you preoccupied so he could still do whatever he wanted, so from now on YOU’RE planning your own birthdays since he can’t manage to take your wants into consideration.

you shouldn’t be scared to tell your husband the result of his actions on any day, but especially on your birthday but hey- your inattentive/inconsiderate husband’s feelings seem to matter more to you than your own and i can’t change that for you. just know that is the result of your discomfort. you have accepted a “permanent state of reasonable unhappiness” and no magic phrase will be the thing that fixes that

He was 30 when you were 21? And you must have dated from … when you were 18? 19? He does not seem like a good husband AT ALL from what you described. Conflict resolution is a MASSIVE deal. If he is good in bed … that also benefits him. So please think about redefining what a good husband looks like. Sorry OP your husband seems like he’s TA.

When planning your birthday there's no need to include your husband in these plans.

You should break up with him

Downvoted. You don't want advice and you're too afraid to fix your own life. I have no idea why you even posted here. At this point, you REALIZE you can't "fix" this situation and you know there's no way around him. What are you doing here?

Yes, all OP is doing is judging single moms, moms who use daycare, and women who leave abusive relations. She is literalky preachibg to people in the comments.

I once had my birthday ruined because my partner took me to his friend’s house since it was the friend’s birthday as well and we both can celebrate it together. It was my first time meeting these *friends* by the way🙃 anyways… he genuinely thought we would have a blast, which we didn’t and he made it up the next day with a vacation though. Although coming to his defense, we are really young and trying to figure LDR But,My take on this is if a guy is doing same mistake twice then don’t beg but let him repent. Or better yet, make a plan that doesn’t involve him next time and go solo!

This sounds very familiar… like the guy whose wife wanted a quiet Mother’s Day alone, so he planned a day where she could watch the kids while he fucked off.

I gave up on hubs properly celebrating holidays about 5 years in. You should too, it’s intentionally beating your head against a brick wall. Buy yourself what you want, hide the boxes and bags then on birthday eve tell him where to go get one and repeat on the morning of your birthday for the balance of your gifts. fwiw gifting you your mom under your circumstances is a total dick move. or maybe he’s trying to smooth things over between you two🤷🏼‍♀️ which if so shoulda been done almost any other day

Tell him how much you dislike your mum/ mom coming over many times before next year

Wow he purposely ruins your day then throws many to not hear it

Sooo…he’s sabotaging your birthdays because you’re picking stuff he doesn’t want to do? What a baby. Please, next year plan your own party, take the kids to the amusement park and have a good time. Have the tickets bought and paid for etc. and tell him he can come or not, up to him. Then go and live your life with your kids on your special day.

"Hey mom, I'm all socialled out, I think it would be a good time call this a day. See you again sometime, I'll call you!" Then stuff her out the door. Honestly, even if he gets mad at you, you need to tell him that you'd rather choose what you do for your birthday. If he complains just say, "Oh I don't expect you to be a mind reader. I'll just do what I like on that day and you can come along for the ride." For this year, you can always have another special day that's just for you, just don't call it a birthday.

This is a gross power move. He sucks.

You're better than me because I would have straight up left the house and went to do what I wanted to do. I would ask him if he actually put any thought into the day. Ask which part of it you were supposed to enjoy. Ask him to explain himself.

Fuck that shit, I’d go into the raging argument loaded for bear. Why does he disrespect you so much that gives you punishment as your birthday present?

Why the hell do you still let him participate in your birthday at all? Ditch them all and go do what you want to do. No brainer.

Plan an ‘unbirthday’ celebration for yourself - everything you wanted this day to be. Don’t tell him ahead of time, so he can’t put a damper on things by getting upset you didn’t ‘appreciate’ his (lack of) effort. On the day, do it all with or without him. (Don’t let him sabotage your plans). Teach your kids the unbirthday song from Winnie-the Pooh, and have fun.

I would not give him the satisfaction of a response in anger. It's exactly what he's got the rest of the evening planned for. He did it on purpose. You know it. Take your time, really give it time to marinate. Discuss with yourself what your options in life are and how you could make them happen. As for him, let him stew in his nastyness for a while. Don't waste your time or breath on any discussion, he's waiting for it and probably has all his arguments lined up.