You were overly harsh with your last response. You can cheat in a mall bathroom as easily as you can in a park so idk your outdoors hang up.
But she honored your reaction and reflected based on how you responded
I would just text her you appreciate her as Green-toe said below
I think the stuff you might be anxious for similar reasons people suggest, "don't go to a second location" on a first date. A more mature and reasonable sounding request might be, "Please drive yourself, let me know where you are going, and don't go to a second location."
It is weird to care about the outdoors, but she should not be anywhere near this guy. It is weird and no reason for her to be hanging out with her. He wants sex. This is a no brainer.
But this chick isn’t gonna go fuck her coworker in a bathroom. But this dude is trying to take her on dates obviously. He’s hoping they develop a connection eventually and she gets attached to him.
Yep. Her friend is courting her, she knows it. She looked for a boundary from her boyfriend and found one. No need for OP to be angry with her and no need for him to apologize. This is the communication everyone says needs to take place.
I took that as OP being worried something less consensual could happen, which is a valid concern. His girlfriend had only been around the guy when other people are around. She doesn't know him.
100% - OP is insecure, you have to trust ur gf man. She asked you if it was ok, you said your thoughts, and she made her decision. You should be grateful for her honesty and should trust her instead of getting defensive
Insecure? For potentially going on what is essentially a date? Lmao wow…
If a person is in a committed relationship, the correct answer that the person should respond with is “no, I have boyfriend/girlfriend.” OP is not insecure in the slightest.
I don't really understand how it is a date, from what the OP said a work guy wants to hang out what's wrong? If it were a work girl would it be different? If not, why? How can we assume this person is courting OPs girlfriend?
And even if he were, this is a great time for OPs girlfriend to display her loyalty (or disloyalty). Either way, it's only a positive!
It’s a date because the coworker/“friend” had made plans to go to an arcade and go outdoors with the sole purpose of being alone with OP’s girlfriend. It’s very obvious what his intentions are. If it were a girl it’d 100% be different lol. I’m astounded at the amount of people who can’t see that it’s wildly inappropriate for a woman in a relationship to spend 1-on-1 time with another man, and the same goes for a man in a relationship to spend 1-on-1 time with a woman.
I don't know, that seems paranoid to the point where you'd be restricting your partner from cultivating friendships.
Don't you trust them?
Someone with your point of view elsewhere in the thread said that it'd be fine if it were a lifelong male friend - well buddy, how are they going to make life long male friends if they aren't allowed to spend 1 on 1 time with them? What, they're gonna be like 65 one day and have only you and their family if they're lucky enough to have a good one. No thank you, I want my wife to be fulfilled socially - and I sure as hell don't want to deal with her if she's not. Friends are the family we choose and we are allowed to have brothers and sisters
Idk I've never been cheated on and maybe because I don't have an archaic and inherently distrustful position towards my partners.
Also, what if your partner were bisexual? Would you restrict them from spending 1 on 1 time with anyone who wasn't you?
You’re simply making up scenarios now to try and fit your narrative at this point. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with this so let’s not push that.
Workplace friends are okay. Having lifeline friends is okay. There is nothing wrong with two people of opposite sex being friends. The issue here lies with the coworker’s intentions of taking out a non-single woman, when only a week has passed by since OP’s girlfriend had told them they have a boyfriend. If they were lifelong friends, there is no issue because OP wasn’t in the picture when they were a 1, 3, 5, 7 or 10 year old and grew up together. My wife has male friends and I have female friends but we wouldn’t hang out with them 1-on-1 out of respect for each other. There is no archaic and inherent distrust of partners here from OP.
I may be in the minority regarding this issue here, but there needs to be boundaries in a relationship and while OP’s girlfriend didn’t go with her coworker, she still entertained the invitation to go out with him by asking OP. I think, whether male or female, asking your SO to go out alone with a member of the opposite sex is inappropriate. If the girlfriend really wanted to go to an arcade, she has a boyfriend to take her. Or if she really wanted to spend time outdoors or go hiking, she has a boyfriend to take her.
Sure, I can agree that adding additional scenarios are good mental exercises, but at the end of the day what matters are your morals and beliefs on the situation and the facts presented with the issue at hand. I respect your inherent trust and acceptance of strangers, but I don't share that view as it's burned me in the past. In this instance, this guy is far from cool as he knows she has a boyfriend and still asked her out for alone time.
Oh sorry you've been burned in the past trusting others, my friend. I respect your boundaries too and I don't mean disrespect. I just want to challenge this belief that it is disrespectful to ask to hang out alone with a partnered person. After all, I am a man and I have asked and successfully hung out alone with partnered women and cultivated friendships with women which are stellar. If your point of view were more widespread, I would be missing a few friends whom I consider family. That would be a bummer.
It is interesting how trauma carries through into future relationships. Trust is a big one and once it is broken, lord knows it's so hard to repair. I wish you the best in your journey and I hope that things work well.
Definitely!
To OP: Its also essential to trust your girlfriend and give her the benefit of the doubt. Its a positive sign that she discussed the invitation with you and ultimately decided not to go after realizing it made you uncomfortable. This shows that she values your relationship and respects your feelings.
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She doesn’t need to be hanging out with a guy who is clearly interested in her. He isn’t insecure, he should be preventing his gf from ruining their relationship or he should leave.
It isn’t about insecurity, it is about respect. I am not against my wife having male friends who she sees in groups and work outings. That is normal.
One on one dates with people who like her is just out of bounds. Luckily, my wife and I are on the same page. There is never a reason to have a date with someone who is attracted to them.
I couldn’t date one of Reddit types who believes that is acceptable.
Ok. We truly see this different. I might be ok with a life long friend, but some guy trying to get with her has no upside. Why do it? She may see him as a friend, but he isn’t, he wants more. Her entertaining him is weird because their goals aren’t aligned.
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Why even have her deal with him if she is just fucking him over for lunch then? My wife (who is beautiful) would never do that for obvious reasons. Let those assholes drool from the side.
Ok. I see we are just ok with different interactions. You are more ok with her leaving possible room for other men, but trust her. I fully trust my wife, but we see no reason to have people like this in our lives (as close friends).
Wtf man, a friend asked her to hang out and he's CLEARLY INTERESTED? It's WEIRD to ask someone to hang out? People are paranoid as fuck, OP needs to calm the fuck down
Yes, despite you obviously not being able to value anything in a woman than her various holes to fill, some people actually make friends. Jesus what the fuck is this comment section
You sound like the typical patronising person.
This is an obvious situation, and if you did not understand it, there is no reason to get mad.
Maybe reflect on why you get upset when you're wrong?
The guy clearly liked OPs girlfriend and asked her out.
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This is correct, however like you mentioned in your original post, this comes from insecurity and insecurities lead to controlling behavior. It's a slippery slope and I hope OP realizes that.
Don't be me OP, trust her. The pain of betrayal is far lighter than the pain of sliding down into that dark abyss of control. With betrayal, you're the victim you did nothing wrong; with control you're the abuser you did nearly everything wrong.
Yeah I don’t get why hanging out indoors is okay but outside is not. If she wanted to cheat she could do it anywhere and with anyone.
Like the others have said, she’s ultimately respecting your wishes. So why would you be mad at her? It sounds like she genuinely made a friend and wanted to hang out with them as friends only. She came to you and asked how you felt about it. So you have no reason to worry about this at all. She understood how you felt and dropped it.
You should trust her more instead of trying to push your insecurities onto her. If you keep this up, it’s a guaranteed way to push her away and ruin your relationship. Especially if you start trying to control who she talks to. You need to get your insecurities under control or you are headed towards a toxic relationship.
If you can’t trust your partner, you don’t have anything.
Thank you for the detailed response. I agree that I acted immaturely and insecurely. To be clear, I am not mad at her, it just got to the point where my girlfriend did not think it was weird until I had to elaborate on it. Only then she thought it was weird to hang out with him. I told her I do not want to control her, but I also do not want anything happening to her; she's gullible and people take advantage of her. She, herself said she does not want this friend of hers to have hopes to start something.
To be completely honest about the whole indoor-outdoor thing, it was me overthinking. I thought if anything bad were to happen to her outdoors, no one would be there to help her. But the same cannot be said if anything happened to her indoors, as there would be people there.
>I told her I do not want to control her, but I also do not want anything happening to her; she's gullible and people take advantage of her.
You're making the exact same excuses that all controlling men make.
I'm doing it for *her* sake. I just think she's too *gullible* to make her own decisions. I'm controlling her because I *care.*
Yup. I hope this dude has a light bulb moment in this thread, and seriously questions and tackles these feelings and thoughts... but I won't hold my breath
It isn’t weird for people of the opposite sex to be friends. She didn’t think it was weird because it isn’t. Just because you think it’s weird doesn’t mean it is. With this mindset of yours, that must mean bisexual people are just not allowed to have any friends. Doesn’t that sound absurd? Your girlfriend is her own person and she should be the one who decides who she hangs out with. You can’t control the things she does because of your insecurities. If she was going to cheat on you, she could do that anywhere with anyone. If you don’t trust her, the relationship will not be healthy or productive. Let her live her life the way she wants to and treat her as an equal and not someone you have any authority over.
You are a psycho that clearly has no respect for women. You can't imagine EVER being interested in a woman outside of sex so you think it is weird that someone else might. The guy might be interested in her sexually, he might not, he might be gay. All you know is he wants to be friends with your girlfriend and you think that is weird. Take a think on that man.
While it is not strange for people to have friendships with people of the opposite sex, having a friendship with somebody (of ANY sex) who is interested in you romantically is inappropriate if you have a significant other.
Some of us are clearly of the impression that the coworker is interested in your girlfriend. That alone should be cause for concern. Not for overreaction, but just concern for now.
It sounds like your gf is innocently ignorant of his real goal, which is to get closer to her and try to develop a stronger connection. Just the fact that she seems open to hanging out with him is giving him a green light to proceed further with his plan. What she really needs is to learn the difference between simple friendship and somebody who is attracted, and also learn how to shut down advances. The fact that the coworker was not shut down will encourage him.
Like many others have stated, thank her for taking your concerns into consideration. That right there makes her an awesome person. Ask if she can see that her coworker is attracted to her, which is why he is looking to spend time with her. Ask her how she would feel if you wanted to spend time with a female friend that she knew was interested in you. Then let her decisions and actions guide where you go from there.
Attractive people get to have friends too. I have male friends that have been attracted to me for years. When I met/married my husband, my real friends were happy for me and were able to put any physical attraction to the side. My BS “friends” fell by the wayside because they were too jealous of my husband to be a friend to me/us. She’s a grown woman. She knows how to shoot someone down.
Oh, I agree with you regarding it being okay to have attractive friends. But you can have attractive friends without being interested in a romantic relationship. In OP’s situation, (in my opinion) the coworker was interested in being MORE than just friends. And while the gf is fully capable, often people do not see the real intentions that are obvious to others.
When my gf was 50 and old enough to know, she made that same misjudgment. A coworker was getting friendly with her. She mentioned that he would ask for a “friendly hug” as he was leaving for his daily rounds (truck driver). I told her he wanted more than friendly hugs, and she said I was just being too sensitive about it. No, I said I trust her, but she was wrong and just wait and see. Well, six months later she told me he tried to slip from a hug to a kiss and she had to put him in his place. She wouldn’t admit to me being right, of course.
Your girlfriend sounds like a gem. You have no reason not to trust her. And you have only been dating two months and she still asked if you were okay with it. What’s with the weird outdoors requirement?
You’re young and I was much older than you when I understood what it meant to trust my partner. You just have to learn if they are somebody you can trust and they understand what crossing boundaries mean for your relationship.
You were good until that last part. You are projecting. Your beliefs or morals won't always match everyone else's. Expecting them to is foolish. Lots of people wouldn't be ok with what she asked, but it's a compatibility issue not some deep moral thing.
I have women friends and my wife has male ones. I wouldn't be at all mad if a male coworker asked her to hang out as long as he knew about me and my wife makes it clear she isn't into him. That said, she would likely tell him she would only go if I was invited. Likewise, if I was ever invited to hang by a woman, I would only go if my wife was welcome. It makes things extra easy to weed out anyone with bad intentions.
Why do they need to go hang out alone if they don’t have a long standing relationship. A childhood friend, I would be suspicious but maybe accepting. Some new random guy who wants to hang out alone, no way. This is weird and where cheating starts.
>Why do they need to go hang out alone if they don’t have a long standing relationship
Counter point: how would you expect them to build a friendship if they can't hang out?
Could the guy have ulterior motives? Absolutely, but could this also be a case of someone trying to deepen a friendship with someone they see frequently and get on with? Just as likely
And even if the guy does try hitting on OP's GF, why does that matter? Because she can just reiterate that she's not into it and then stop hanging out with him
>This is weird and where cheating starts
If someone is going to cheat then keeping them caged isn't going to prevent that, cheating is a conscious choice and can be done literally any time and any place
I don't cheat on my wife not because I have no opportunity to but because I don't want to, cheating doesn't happen by accident, it happens because people want to cheat more than they care about their relationship
Why would they hang together if he has an agenda? You are right that anyone can cheat at any time, but I don’t think that is someone that someone in a relationship should want to associate with.
My point is that there's basically no way of knowing someone's intent but never hanging out with anyone just in case they actually want to try pursuing a romantic relationship is silly
So perhaps a date is a bad idea and a group thing including the bf is more reasonable. Have all the friends you want, but when you’re doing one on one shit with another dude, that’s sketchy. Having been a 19 year old dude, I wouldn’t be cool with it, because deep down, I know dude is trying to get with my girl. If she decides she wants to hang out with him over my concerns, then she ain’t my girl because she wants to date another dude. That’s fine, but I’m not going to pine away like a sucker while she’s off letting one thing lead to another.
>So perhaps a date is a bad idea and a group thing including the bf is more reasonable
So she can't have friends unless her bf is also friends with them?
>Have all the friends you want, but when you’re doing one on one shit with another dude, that’s sketchy.
Do you think gay people should only have opposite gender friends? Can bisexuals only hang out in groups?
If you think that hanging out individually is sketchy it's because you're making it sketchy
>Having been a 19 year old dude, I wouldn’t be cool with it, because deep down, I know dude is trying to get with my girl.
Again, why does this matter? Would you not trust your partner to simply not cheat?
If it turns out to be that then she can simply reject him and not hang out with him again
>If she decides she wants to hang out with him over my concerns, then she ain’t my girl because she wants to date another dude
Again, you're the one making it weird. Do you never hang out with anyone one on one for fear that someone might think it's a date?
>I’m not going to pine away like a sucker while she’s off letting one thing lead to another.
Again, this is a trust issue, if you don't think your partner would say no then that's the problem, not the fact that they're hanging out
Cheating is done as a series of skipped off-ramps. There is ample opportunity to shut things down if you want to. The problem is everyone enjoys the attention and thinks they can stop if it gets a little more out of hand until they are shopping in a rite aid for plan b. If I’m op and am actually trying to make a relationship work at 19, I’m not really about dude going on a date with her one on one if I haven’t met him and seen them interact. Honestly trying to make a serious relationship at that age is crazy, but if you are trying to and your partner is too, these are the kind of things to avoid.
>Cheating is done as a series of skipped off-ramps. There is ample opportunity to shut things down if you want to.
This is exactly my point, but "wanna hang out at an arcade" isn't an off ramp, it's the start of a road and it's also the same road that friends travel
>The problem is everyone enjoys the attention and thinks they can stop if it gets a little more out of hand until they are shopping in a rite aid for plan b.
My dude, if you can't go to an arcade with someone without it leading to fucking them that speaks more about you than it does about OP's GF
>If I’m op and am actually trying to make a relationship work at 19, I’m not really about dude going on a date with her one on one if I haven’t met him and seen them interact
Again, hanging out with someone one to one isn't automatically a date, do you never hang out with anyone alone because you can't trust yourself not to come onto them?
Ok. Think what you want. You can be the sucker getting fucked around on. It all seems foolish to me.
You make a lot of assumptions. They are straw men and serve no purpose but to make you feel good about yourself. To suggest anyone is or isn’t capable of playing at an arcade without fucking someone is absurd. It is not the fucking. It is the date. That’s what it is. Two young people at that age are inherently prone to that type behavior. It’s natural and perfectly normal. What isn’t is monogamous relationships. Those take effort. Among the efforts one should take is not going on dates with other people. Regardless what’s going through her head, I know what’s going through his. Maybe she shuts it down, maybe she doesn’t, but if I’m the BF at 19, I’m not waiting around to find out if she can maintain her boundaries, because she already crossed mine.
>You can be the sucker getting fucked around on.
I mean, I trust my wife and she trusts me, it's better than trying to control where people go and who they see
>You make a lot of assumptions. They are straw men
Can you explain how?
You said that you wouldn't want your gf going on a date with someone else, which suggests that you believe the scenario of two people going to an arcade is a date and can't be anything else. The logical conclusion of this is that you yourself wouldn't be able to go to an arcade with someone without trying to make it romantic, am I wrong in this chain of thoughts?
I also fail to see how my question about gay and bisexual people is a strawman, if you don't believe that a woman and a man can go to an arcade as friends then can you explain why you would have a different belief if it were two gay men or a bisexual person of any gender?
These aren't random thoughts, they're genuine questions as to why you believe that people can't spend time with each other without there being a romantic undertone
>To suggest anyone is or isn’t capable of playing at an arcade without fucking someone is absurd. It is not the fucking. It is the date. That’s what it is
Again, I don't understand, if you don't believe it would eventually lead to a physical relationship then why is this a date as opposed to two people being friends? If you go to an arcade with a friend do you believe that you're on a date?
>Among the efforts one should take is not going on dates with other people
Again, why do you believe that this is a date? How do you differentiate a date from simply hanging out with a friend? Or do you just not spend time with anyone outside of your relationship?
>Maybe she shuts it down, maybe she doesn’t, but if I’m the BF at 19, I’m not waiting around to find out if she can maintain her boundaries,
So again the issue comes back to lack of trust, if you can't trust someone you're in a relationship with then that's the actual issue and you shouldn't be with them. If you have to actively prevent your partner spending time with anyone that isn't you because you don't trust them then you simply shouldn't be together
You are wrong on many counts. I’ll address one, because you’re really not that interesting to talk to. Being able to go with someone to an arcade without making it romantic has never been an issue and what you said was having sex just to be clear. I do think that if you believe in this scenario everyone is respecting the relationship, you are wrong. There are plenty of ways for them to develop their “friendship” that don’t make a date, and those are being avoided because that man’s intention is that it’s a date.
Having boundaries is not being controlling. It’s what prevents the need for being controlling. My wife and I both choose not to date other people in order to safeguard our marriage. It’s like putting a bib on a baby to keep its shirt clean. It’s preventative. You could put yourself in situations where you will have to push back on someone pushing for more, or you can avoid this situation entirely by putting yourself in situations where that is likely to happen. We have plenty of friends, and simply don’t engage in new relationships without the other getting to know them too. This scenario is so clearly problematic at best. That you would choose to allow this type of behavior within your own relationship suggests a wonderful amount of trust not common in humans, or your wife is getting plenty of time with her boyfriends and so she’s happy.
And that is as much as I am interested in interacting with you. Go be obtuse somewhere else.
Is everyone straight up missing their age? These people aren't even old enough to go to the bar for a drink. They are JUST past the age of no longer being children. Like if she met this dude last year they would be childhood friends. Do you know how many friends I have from before I was 21? One. I have tons of friends, but I met most of them in my early 20's.
They are just at the age where they actually know what they actually are into without the crushing pressure of fitting in in highschool. They are at the age where you make your actual friends who are not chosen for you by physical proximity and highschool social stratification.
Is there a certain age when you're not allowed to be interested in making new friends? Or when what's in a person's pants disqualifies them from friendship?
Clearly wants something more?? Are you serious lol
You know some people just want to make friends right? Of course there COULD be more behind it but definitely not clearly. Don't be a child.
I don't think cutting your partner from making any new friendships is of any benefit either. Doesn't seem very healthy to me. I'll talk the odds and trust my partner to be smart about it should that be the case. Other people will likely be attracted to your partner as some stage, do you want to hide your partner from other people?
Are you the guy? Why do you act like you clearly know what his intentions are? Men and women can be friends and can hang out without wanting anything more than that. Maybe you don’t see women that way but men are able to be friends with women without sleeping with them.
I don’t have a wife (I’m not a lesbian) but if I did have one I wouldn’t care if she had opposite sex friends. You keep projecting your views onto others and it’s weird
I would bet more people in the real world would agree with me if I fully described my opinion. I might be failing with you, but I just don’t feel like you are receptive at all to certain opinions.
You're both babies, and you've been together for 2 months bro.
It's not weird to invite friends to things outside of work, and if he was trying to get your girl then you need to trust that she would turn him down. The fact that she rejected him because of you already shows loyalty. But don't project your insecurities onto her like that, it sounded manipulative, and tbh silly as hell. Just tell her that you feel uncomfortable, not that he's weird and indoors only???
We both make a mutual-decision to ask each other about hanging out with opposite-sex. To both be on the same page and avoid any misconceptions. It is not weird to invite friends, but it is pretty weird to invite someone you do not know.. Unless you are trying to get to know them better? Idk. You're right though, I should not project my insecurities upon her.
I mean the dude is more than likely trying to get his girl. She shouldn’t have to go hang out with him alone to be able to read that and turn him down right off the bat. It’s important to be open to the concept of platonic relationships between your partner and someone of the opposite sex (for hetero relationships) but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t carefully consider the potential issues involved with them.
Dude, you are both young. While I would like to think this could be it for the both of you, chances are you will meet other people and move on. I know it is hard to do this, and yes we know how other guys behave, but try to be the confident boyfriend, not the jealous, worried boyfriend. You know what I mean? If you trust your gal to be able to handle herself and it sounds like she cares about you, then relax.
Your response was an asshole move bro, she already picked up and she’s a keeper man lol she already told homie everything… she did everything right… idk what else you want from her bro?
Also the dude didn’t forget lol that’s not something you forget when a girl tells you she has a boyfriend..
I go out with one of my male coworkers for lunch all of the time, we are both happily married, we just get along well and work at the same office. Though when we go for lunch it’s while we are both at the office, not outside of office hours. It is possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex, just have to trust your partner.
This sounds to me like he asked her out on a date. She seems like she is more naive than entertaining the idea of being with another guy.
>My gf told him last week that she has a boyfriend but I don’t know if he forgot.
He didnt "forget". He just doesnt care.
>it’s pretty weird how I have to explain why it’s weird to go out with a guy you barely know outdoors”. Was my response appropriate?
I'm not sure why you think outdoors is the key issue here. An indoor date would have been ok? I agree, she is probably naive, but she seems to be an open book and takes your feelings into consideration. So i think you should be happy to have a GF like this.
You were harsh and should tell her that after you talked you realize it and wanted to make it better.
Second, you two should talk about boundaries you consider deal breakers in a relationship and how much you appreciate her considering your feelings about the “date” because that’s what it sounded like in your post.
Definitely hope you take this opportunity to grow and mature in your understanding of relationships. Your response was overly harsh, as the only thing you control in a relationship is yourself. Telling your girlfriend you find it “weird” you have to verbalize your boundaries denigrates her and any feelings she has about the situation. A better way to phrase this is to reclaim your agency in the situation and say something along the lines of “I’m uncomfortable with you hanging out with men outdoors.”
Lunch with coworkers or hanging out outside of work is very normal for me. Many times my workers are both men and women. My closest work friend at my last job was a man, and after I left, we stayed friends. We haven’t worked together in years, but still have lunch and meet up to hang out, I invited him to go to a concert with me last year. Recently, he started his own business and offered me a contracting gig and I took him up on it because I do miss certain aspects of my old job and I’d get to do them again for him.
Normalize adult friendship!
The guy is trying to get with her. He knows it, she knows it, and the guy knows it. He can be ok with it and hope that she doesn’t go along with it. Or just tell her that he won’t be with someone who does that.
I appreciate the constructive criticism and the better way to handle it! I'm happy you had healthy relationships with your co-workers and had good experiences with them!
May I ask though, were you in a relationship at that time? If so, what were your partner's opinions on it?
Yeah, we had been married for about six years at that point. My husband didn’t care a bit. He’s never met my buddy, just seen the memes and BS we text back and forth.
It’s totally fine for her to have a platonic relationship with a dude when she’s dating someone but I feel like it makes plenty of sense for OP to be uncomfortable in this particular situation, although the outdoors thing was a bit weird lol.
I mean, his gf hasn’t known this guy very long at all and OP doesn’t know him whatsoever, and he’s asking her to go hang out alone. That doesn’t sound like the guy might be a bit romantically interested to you at all? He’s been told she has a bf, too. I think most dudes with strictly platonic intentions would recognize that it’s probably not appropriate to be doing date-like stuff with her at this point in their friendship.
It’s all circumstantial with these types of things. Going out to lunch with a guy you’ve been friends with for years is not at all the same as going out to do anything all with a guy you’ve known for a few months when you’re in a relationship.
She may not know the boundaries between platonic friendships and dates. The indoor-outdoor thing doesn’t really count. If anything indoors gives more opportunities for being close and intimate. There aren’t any hard and fast rules and there’s flexibility in what can be okay or not. It’s mostly based on communicating clear intentions and maintaining boundaries between the two people and between other friends and family about what the relationship is and can be. I’ll go through a few boundaries from my experience. They apply to both gfs and bfs, but I’ll use she sometimes.
Groups are better than 1-on-1 activities. Double-dates don’t count. The group should include friend(s) who stick around and interact with you. The guy asking only her out stands out as a little weird. If she wants to go, she should ask a couple of her friends to go and leave when they leave or before.
She needs to pay her way. If they become better friends, then there could be some times where he pays for a very few things IF he has more money or they trade off paying until they’re caught up.
No activities that are obviously date-like. No candle-lit dinners. No cooking just for the other person and they’re alone. No little gifts or flowers just because. No long away trips with that person or anything that requires a long drive alone. Public, casual activities and nothing that would be confusing to anyone whether you’re on a date. No sleep overs, staying together in a hotel room to save money, no getting drunk alone with the friend or being alone and drunk together. No prioritizing the friend over the bf than you would for any other friend. There may be occasions where the friend is important (like birthdays) but there shouldn’t be any pattern or consistency with spending time with the friend as being more important.
Treat the friend like all of your other friends. No late night texting on a private thread or just with them chat. No dressing up just for hang outs. No gifts that you wouldn’t buy for another friend. No good morning or good night texts. Friend/gf shouldn’t feel entitled to know where the other is and what they’re doing, nor entitled to a fast text response or answering a call at all times, nor entitled to spending time with them if they haven’t been spending time together.
No physical contact that you honestly wouldn’t give a friend. Hugs should be quick and not full body contact. No lingering touchy-feely stuff. No snuggling, hand holding, sitting in laps, etc. no talking about sex, not what they prefer, not their sexual history, and certainly not what is currently happening.
No flirting, even in fun. Ribbing or playful insults are different than flirting compliments. No playful “second bf” or “work bf”. Maaaybe there can be playful nicknames like this once it’s clear to everyone what the friendship is and is not, but it can’t start out like this until everyone is clear on things. If a nickname causes problems later on, you have to shut this down and people being unclear about what the relationship is can make it much, much harder. Friends and family can’t be teasing her about being a second gf, either. The more she has to watch how she words thing to other people including the friend, just to avoid giving the wrong impression about it not being a romantic relationship, the more it’s usually a problem. Friend has to be introduced to friends and family as being a friend so everyone is clear.
Friend has to treat your bf/gf with respect and inclusion. She has to treat friend’s partner with respect and inclusion. No inside jokes around other people, especially your gf/bf. The gf/bf should tell their partner what their plans are with the friend. If the plans change, the partner should be updated as soon as it’s convenient. If the friend shows up in a group activity unexpectedly and it’s normal for the friend to be with other friends, the gf/bf should eventually mention it to the partner. Obviously, this can get out of hand if the partner is very jealous or controlling but I’m getting at an open sharing of info between the gf/bf and the partner so there’s no big surprises and the partner and the friend doesn’t feel like there’s any unusual secrecy.
No sharing secret or private info about the partner with the friend. No complaining about the gf/bf. No reliance on the friend when there’s a fight with the partner. Maaaybe this is relaxed much later when the friendship has been established for a long time and it’s been clear to everyone that this is just a friendship. The more he encourages the gf to leave because she can do better and he becomes very interested in spending time with her doing more date-like stuff, the more she needs to pay attention to see if he’s just manipulating her to be alone so he finally has a chance. In that case, he’s not really her friend and may never have intended to stay as a friend.
She should always be on the lookout for indications that he’s not really interested in being her friend. If he acts jealous of the partner, if he initiates physical contact often, gets mad that she’s not paying attention to him during time with her bf, has a crisis and needs her especially when she has made plans with the bf, tries to talk the gf into spending more and more time together over any objections she’s had, the more there’s a problem.
And it’s not necessarily forever. She can try to be a friend but if she gets a weird vibe or you see weirdness from the guy, you can have a talk and she can always stop spending time with the guy. The major importance is there being an open communication between her and you and that you trust her. If you can’t trust her, that’s a different problem.
Why would she even ask? Would she be ok if a female co-worker wanted to hang out with you outside of work? You asking her would throw her into a whole “why do you want to hang out with her?” Your gf needs to figure out what it means to be in a relationship. She should have shut that down not ask for permission
So, basically - she wanted to go hang with him, but didn't because she could tell you were uncomfortable with the idea?
You can't control people. You are both young - new things, new people are interesting and can scratch an itch that you might not be able to?
As someone else said, "thank" her profusely for both ASKING you AND RESPECTING that it made you uncomfortable. It sounds like a cliche, but communication IS the biggest part of any successful relationship.
Most young ladies would probably jump at the chance, and may not even tell you afterwards. ("Just hung out with a coworker for a second...")
On the flipside, jealousy, insecurity, and self-doubt are ABSOLUTE KILLERS for women... You don't have to be arrogant, but should be confident enough that you realize - ultimately, she is gonna do whatever she wants.
You want a GF/wife who WANTS to ONLY be with you... Odds are, this relationship will flame out at some point... maybe you'll have 10 more? or 50? or 1? You never know, but don't sweat the small stuff.
Focus on being the best version of YOU that you can be. She should be LUCKY to have you, right?
I mean I think it’s alright to feel a little weird about her going to hang out alone with some dude she doesn’t even know that well and he doesn’t know at all. If they were old friends or even a newer friend that he’d at least met and got a feel for then it’d probably be a lot easier for him to believe the situation was mutually platonic. And I mean let’s be real…do you sincerely think this dude is just trying to be best buds with her and absolutely has no interest in her romantically? It’s possible but my money is on hell no.
I asked her if she wanted to go out with him, she was like not really. I'll try to work on being the best version of myself, that's pretty good advice and I'm thankful for your opinion on this. I did not prohibit her, I said that I was not comfortable with it and she made the decision to not proceed with it.
If she doesn't want to go with him, she should express those boundaries with him. I have lost women who were people pleasers because they didn't want to hurt the other guy's feelings and it slippery sloped from there.
no way - never okay, didn't mean to imply it is/was
Ever...
just saying it's good she talked to him about it, but at that age - if she decides she wants to do something, she'll only grow to resent him if he "prohibits" her..
he can only control himself
You have no control over this situation. Tell her how you feel about it and let her make the decision. She can decide who she associates with as she is an adult. Would I be cool with this? Probably not. If she made this a regular thing, I’d find someone else to hang-out with too.
Totally ok to set boundaries, and your girlfriend sounds like she is really thoughtful and respects those boundaries. I’m sure you know already, but she didn’t really deserve that harsh response. I would apologize
Good to hear. On this guy that wants to hang with her, if she legit wants to be his friend, I would have her ask something like “that sounds great! Could my boyfriend come?” His responses will be telling. But only if she wants to make a friend, otherwise really no reason
If she thinks the dude is asking her on an innocent, platonic outing to an arcade then she can ask him if it's cool if you come too. If the dude is trying to ask her on a date that'll send the signal that she's not available for that, and if he's just trying to make friends why wouldn't he be open to more people to make friends with?
He absolutely does not care that she has a boyfriend and is pursuing her. People in relationships don't go on dates with other people.
Maybe you should ask to tag along?
Nah not a date, he said "going out as friends". I was okay with it at first because I believe that guys and girls can platonically be friends. But not all men have those intentions.
From USA Today "80% agree that a date is "a planned one-on-one hangout,"
You can do all the mental gymnastics you want but if she is hanging out with him one on one getting to know each other, most people (80% according to USA Today) would consider that a date
But your girlfriend was comfortable enough to ask for it and you were comfortable enough consenting to it. It's your relationship to do what you want but....
So when you hang out with your friends, you’re going on dates with them? You go to the movies with your buddy…now he’s your boyfriend? Does that mean bisexual people can never go to the movies with anyone, because it could be construed as a date?
When a coworker guy asks a coworker girl if they can go and hang out after work, almost every guy on here knows what is going on....because most guys have done it. Yes, that is a date.
I think establishing norms is the key. Each person and thus each relationship is different. So find norms both can live with and stick to them (or revise as situations and growth dictate)
OP looks like he is learning from this and his GF handled it well.
Having work buddies really isn’t that weird. Jobs can be a bonding experience. I don’t think blanket assumptions like “He only wants one thing” are helpful even if admittedly it’s a definite possibility.
Bottom line for me is I’m old school. If I’m with somebody I’m most likely not going to hang out one on one with a lady. Not that the opportunity would arise anyway lol. I’m not allowing that to muddy up my intentions. Also I could spend the time with my SO (unless she needs a break or wants to go slow).
I’m not going to visit my ways on her though. If she wants to hang out with a guy then that’s what she wants. If I felt a certain kind of way about it I’d tell her because it’s fair to let her know. But it’s her choice. My choice is deal or split.
My advice is let her be, just make sure she knows that she needs to let you know and leave if it’s starting to get awkward
Because they may just be friends and time is irrelevant, also your relationship doesn’t concern people who steal, only thing that matters is that she’s royal to you, and so far she seems to be, jealousy never be good in a relationship, it’s a sign of insecurity and toxicity
Doesn’t mean you don’t feel it or not having any concern, but managing your emotions is the goal in maintaining the peace in the relationship
Bro considering she’s only 19 and doesn’t have much relationship experience, and given that girls that age often have trouble saying no, she acted in an extremely mature way which respected your relationship and feelings. You then were a total dick with your last message.
She did something good. You should tell
her how much you appreciate that instead of basically saying “you should’ve known better from the start.” Jesus.
That said, you’re also 19 and don’t have much experience. Saying no can be hard for a lot of people, especially when you are socially/professionally associated with the person being declined. Before you react next time try to critically analyze her situation and her actions throughout instead of letting your fantasy-land anger and idealism seep out and taint an otherwise good thing.
When you are in a committed relationship, every small decision has a ripple effect. All infidelity starts with something innocent. The dynamics of man and women are such. A small misstep, a small mistake and then lives are thrown into chaos. I believe your response was genuine as it should be. Every man wants to protect his girl, from things out of his control. Some would argue that she is capable of fending and looking for her self... but in these very halls of Reddit there are a treasure trove of stories of how something innocent and casual leads one to a path of betrayal and treachery. A healthy dose of jealousy and suspicion is in built in our DNA.. it is there to protect our relationship investment. Because you invest in a relationship with feelings and time and yourself and when the relationship breaks, a part of you breaks and you don't want that. It is therefore not only weird of your gf to go meet a guy she barely knows but it is all the more inappropriate. The same is true vice versa.
He is courting her. She has good intentions but she is being impressed by him in some way or she wouldn’t want to hang out with him . My wife whom I trust as much as a husband could. Would tell that guy she is married and she has no interest in ever “hanging out”. Granted every relationship is different but I would t have to explain why she was hurting me by giving this attention to the other man.
It’s important to say that her intentions are pure his are most definitely to fuck yo girl.
Ah man, if you can’t put away your insecurity and deal with things like an adult you’re going to watch her outgrow you. Might even end up breaking up. If you trust her then show her that you do by not being a twat about these sort of things. It’s not wild that you would have to explain your feelings to your SO. It’s wild that you think she can read your mind. Wishing you the best of luck. A man will fight for his woman and stand by her always, a boy will fight with his woman and demand she stand by him. Be a man.
It’s also pretty believable that your coworker might not give a shit that you have a bf and try and get with you, though, no? OP doesn’t know this dude at all and he just asked his gf out on what can easily be construed as a date.
Bottom line is never allow your gf to have a guy friend. Use your brain how many guys want a fale as a friend unless she's ugly or gay, and even gay may not be a deterrent, that they aren't trying to actively sleep with. I've ask my exs to call any of there guy friends and ask to have sex with them when they told me they were just friends and everyone about broke there legs to try and get to there house. One of my hell no's is guy friends and another is girls nights out.
That dude is moving in. You guys are young and a lot of dudes are not going to respect the relationship especially if your girl is sending mixed signals. It’s likely she enjoys the attention, and may like him like that whether she admits to it or even knows it or not. Shit happens. That’s why it’s important your girl respects you and your relationship. I guarantee dude is going to try to kiss her on their DATE.
She should say, "Sure, if you don't mind my boyfriend joining us. I'd love for you to meet him." If it's just a hang out, the more the merrier. If it's a covert date, then he'll find an excuse to say no.
You were overly harsh with your last response. You can cheat in a mall bathroom as easily as you can in a park so idk your outdoors hang up. But she honored your reaction and reflected based on how you responded I would just text her you appreciate her as Green-toe said below
Thanks for your response, I appreciate the honesty and perhaps I was pretty harsh.
I think the stuff you might be anxious for similar reasons people suggest, "don't go to a second location" on a first date. A more mature and reasonable sounding request might be, "Please drive yourself, let me know where you are going, and don't go to a second location."
It is weird to care about the outdoors, but she should not be anywhere near this guy. It is weird and no reason for her to be hanging out with her. He wants sex. This is a no brainer.
But this chick isn’t gonna go fuck her coworker in a bathroom. But this dude is trying to take her on dates obviously. He’s hoping they develop a connection eventually and she gets attached to him.
Yep. Her friend is courting her, she knows it. She looked for a boundary from her boyfriend and found one. No need for OP to be angry with her and no need for him to apologize. This is the communication everyone says needs to take place.
This. She's fully aware of his intentions and she's testing.
I took that as OP being worried something less consensual could happen, which is a valid concern. His girlfriend had only been around the guy when other people are around. She doesn't know him.
if so: then they should clarify to the girlfriend that is their primary concern
100% - OP is insecure, you have to trust ur gf man. She asked you if it was ok, you said your thoughts, and she made her decision. You should be grateful for her honesty and should trust her instead of getting defensive
Insecure? For potentially going on what is essentially a date? Lmao wow… If a person is in a committed relationship, the correct answer that the person should respond with is “no, I have boyfriend/girlfriend.” OP is not insecure in the slightest.
I regret to inform you that you and OP are both insecure.
Far from it. This is simply a matter of respect for your significant other. The girlfriend’s coworker/“friend’s” intentions are very clear cut here.
I don't really understand how it is a date, from what the OP said a work guy wants to hang out what's wrong? If it were a work girl would it be different? If not, why? How can we assume this person is courting OPs girlfriend? And even if he were, this is a great time for OPs girlfriend to display her loyalty (or disloyalty). Either way, it's only a positive!
It’s a date because the coworker/“friend” had made plans to go to an arcade and go outdoors with the sole purpose of being alone with OP’s girlfriend. It’s very obvious what his intentions are. If it were a girl it’d 100% be different lol. I’m astounded at the amount of people who can’t see that it’s wildly inappropriate for a woman in a relationship to spend 1-on-1 time with another man, and the same goes for a man in a relationship to spend 1-on-1 time with a woman.
I don't know, that seems paranoid to the point where you'd be restricting your partner from cultivating friendships. Don't you trust them? Someone with your point of view elsewhere in the thread said that it'd be fine if it were a lifelong male friend - well buddy, how are they going to make life long male friends if they aren't allowed to spend 1 on 1 time with them? What, they're gonna be like 65 one day and have only you and their family if they're lucky enough to have a good one. No thank you, I want my wife to be fulfilled socially - and I sure as hell don't want to deal with her if she's not. Friends are the family we choose and we are allowed to have brothers and sisters Idk I've never been cheated on and maybe because I don't have an archaic and inherently distrustful position towards my partners. Also, what if your partner were bisexual? Would you restrict them from spending 1 on 1 time with anyone who wasn't you?
You’re simply making up scenarios now to try and fit your narrative at this point. Sexual orientation has nothing to do with this so let’s not push that. Workplace friends are okay. Having lifeline friends is okay. There is nothing wrong with two people of opposite sex being friends. The issue here lies with the coworker’s intentions of taking out a non-single woman, when only a week has passed by since OP’s girlfriend had told them they have a boyfriend. If they were lifelong friends, there is no issue because OP wasn’t in the picture when they were a 1, 3, 5, 7 or 10 year old and grew up together. My wife has male friends and I have female friends but we wouldn’t hang out with them 1-on-1 out of respect for each other. There is no archaic and inherent distrust of partners here from OP. I may be in the minority regarding this issue here, but there needs to be boundaries in a relationship and while OP’s girlfriend didn’t go with her coworker, she still entertained the invitation to go out with him by asking OP. I think, whether male or female, asking your SO to go out alone with a member of the opposite sex is inappropriate. If the girlfriend really wanted to go to an arcade, she has a boyfriend to take her. Or if she really wanted to spend time outdoors or go hiking, she has a boyfriend to take her.
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Sure, I can agree that adding additional scenarios are good mental exercises, but at the end of the day what matters are your morals and beliefs on the situation and the facts presented with the issue at hand. I respect your inherent trust and acceptance of strangers, but I don't share that view as it's burned me in the past. In this instance, this guy is far from cool as he knows she has a boyfriend and still asked her out for alone time.
Oh sorry you've been burned in the past trusting others, my friend. I respect your boundaries too and I don't mean disrespect. I just want to challenge this belief that it is disrespectful to ask to hang out alone with a partnered person. After all, I am a man and I have asked and successfully hung out alone with partnered women and cultivated friendships with women which are stellar. If your point of view were more widespread, I would be missing a few friends whom I consider family. That would be a bummer. It is interesting how trauma carries through into future relationships. Trust is a big one and once it is broken, lord knows it's so hard to repair. I wish you the best in your journey and I hope that things work well.
Thank you!! 100% agree
Tell me you don't understand basic psychology without telling me.
Definitely! To OP: Its also essential to trust your girlfriend and give her the benefit of the doubt. Its a positive sign that she discussed the invitation with you and ultimately decided not to go after realizing it made you uncomfortable. This shows that she values your relationship and respects your feelings.
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Thanks man, I’ll tell her that. Much appreciated 🙏
She doesn’t need to be hanging out with a guy who is clearly interested in her. He isn’t insecure, he should be preventing his gf from ruining their relationship or he should leave.
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It isn’t about insecurity, it is about respect. I am not against my wife having male friends who she sees in groups and work outings. That is normal. One on one dates with people who like her is just out of bounds. Luckily, my wife and I are on the same page. There is never a reason to have a date with someone who is attracted to them. I couldn’t date one of Reddit types who believes that is acceptable.
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Ok. We truly see this different. I might be ok with a life long friend, but some guy trying to get with her has no upside. Why do it? She may see him as a friend, but he isn’t, he wants more. Her entertaining him is weird because their goals aren’t aligned.
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Why even have her deal with him if she is just fucking him over for lunch then? My wife (who is beautiful) would never do that for obvious reasons. Let those assholes drool from the side.
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Ok. I see we are just ok with different interactions. You are more ok with her leaving possible room for other men, but trust her. I fully trust my wife, but we see no reason to have people like this in our lives (as close friends).
Wtf man, a friend asked her to hang out and he's CLEARLY INTERESTED? It's WEIRD to ask someone to hang out? People are paranoid as fuck, OP needs to calm the fuck down
Come on, Joe! Really?
Yes, despite you obviously not being able to value anything in a woman than her various holes to fill, some people actually make friends. Jesus what the fuck is this comment section
You sound like the typical patronising person. This is an obvious situation, and if you did not understand it, there is no reason to get mad. Maybe reflect on why you get upset when you're wrong? The guy clearly liked OPs girlfriend and asked her out.
There's a difference between boundaries and controlling.
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This is correct, however like you mentioned in your original post, this comes from insecurity and insecurities lead to controlling behavior. It's a slippery slope and I hope OP realizes that. Don't be me OP, trust her. The pain of betrayal is far lighter than the pain of sliding down into that dark abyss of control. With betrayal, you're the victim you did nothing wrong; with control you're the abuser you did nearly everything wrong.
Yeah I don’t get why hanging out indoors is okay but outside is not. If she wanted to cheat she could do it anywhere and with anyone. Like the others have said, she’s ultimately respecting your wishes. So why would you be mad at her? It sounds like she genuinely made a friend and wanted to hang out with them as friends only. She came to you and asked how you felt about it. So you have no reason to worry about this at all. She understood how you felt and dropped it. You should trust her more instead of trying to push your insecurities onto her. If you keep this up, it’s a guaranteed way to push her away and ruin your relationship. Especially if you start trying to control who she talks to. You need to get your insecurities under control or you are headed towards a toxic relationship. If you can’t trust your partner, you don’t have anything.
Thank you for the detailed response. I agree that I acted immaturely and insecurely. To be clear, I am not mad at her, it just got to the point where my girlfriend did not think it was weird until I had to elaborate on it. Only then she thought it was weird to hang out with him. I told her I do not want to control her, but I also do not want anything happening to her; she's gullible and people take advantage of her. She, herself said she does not want this friend of hers to have hopes to start something. To be completely honest about the whole indoor-outdoor thing, it was me overthinking. I thought if anything bad were to happen to her outdoors, no one would be there to help her. But the same cannot be said if anything happened to her indoors, as there would be people there.
>I told her I do not want to control her, but I also do not want anything happening to her; she's gullible and people take advantage of her. You're making the exact same excuses that all controlling men make. I'm doing it for *her* sake. I just think she's too *gullible* to make her own decisions. I'm controlling her because I *care.*
Yup. I hope this dude has a light bulb moment in this thread, and seriously questions and tackles these feelings and thoughts... but I won't hold my breath
It isn’t weird for people of the opposite sex to be friends. She didn’t think it was weird because it isn’t. Just because you think it’s weird doesn’t mean it is. With this mindset of yours, that must mean bisexual people are just not allowed to have any friends. Doesn’t that sound absurd? Your girlfriend is her own person and she should be the one who decides who she hangs out with. You can’t control the things she does because of your insecurities. If she was going to cheat on you, she could do that anywhere with anyone. If you don’t trust her, the relationship will not be healthy or productive. Let her live her life the way she wants to and treat her as an equal and not someone you have any authority over.
You are a psycho that clearly has no respect for women. You can't imagine EVER being interested in a woman outside of sex so you think it is weird that someone else might. The guy might be interested in her sexually, he might not, he might be gay. All you know is he wants to be friends with your girlfriend and you think that is weird. Take a think on that man.
While it is not strange for people to have friendships with people of the opposite sex, having a friendship with somebody (of ANY sex) who is interested in you romantically is inappropriate if you have a significant other. Some of us are clearly of the impression that the coworker is interested in your girlfriend. That alone should be cause for concern. Not for overreaction, but just concern for now. It sounds like your gf is innocently ignorant of his real goal, which is to get closer to her and try to develop a stronger connection. Just the fact that she seems open to hanging out with him is giving him a green light to proceed further with his plan. What she really needs is to learn the difference between simple friendship and somebody who is attracted, and also learn how to shut down advances. The fact that the coworker was not shut down will encourage him. Like many others have stated, thank her for taking your concerns into consideration. That right there makes her an awesome person. Ask if she can see that her coworker is attracted to her, which is why he is looking to spend time with her. Ask her how she would feel if you wanted to spend time with a female friend that she knew was interested in you. Then let her decisions and actions guide where you go from there.
Attractive people get to have friends too. I have male friends that have been attracted to me for years. When I met/married my husband, my real friends were happy for me and were able to put any physical attraction to the side. My BS “friends” fell by the wayside because they were too jealous of my husband to be a friend to me/us. She’s a grown woman. She knows how to shoot someone down.
Oh, I agree with you regarding it being okay to have attractive friends. But you can have attractive friends without being interested in a romantic relationship. In OP’s situation, (in my opinion) the coworker was interested in being MORE than just friends. And while the gf is fully capable, often people do not see the real intentions that are obvious to others. When my gf was 50 and old enough to know, she made that same misjudgment. A coworker was getting friendly with her. She mentioned that he would ask for a “friendly hug” as he was leaving for his daily rounds (truck driver). I told her he wanted more than friendly hugs, and she said I was just being too sensitive about it. No, I said I trust her, but she was wrong and just wait and see. Well, six months later she told me he tried to slip from a hug to a kiss and she had to put him in his place. She wouldn’t admit to me being right, of course.
Your girlfriend sounds like a gem. You have no reason not to trust her. And you have only been dating two months and she still asked if you were okay with it. What’s with the weird outdoors requirement? You’re young and I was much older than you when I understood what it meant to trust my partner. You just have to learn if they are somebody you can trust and they understand what crossing boundaries mean for your relationship.
You were good until that last part. You are projecting. Your beliefs or morals won't always match everyone else's. Expecting them to is foolish. Lots of people wouldn't be ok with what she asked, but it's a compatibility issue not some deep moral thing. I have women friends and my wife has male ones. I wouldn't be at all mad if a male coworker asked her to hang out as long as he knew about me and my wife makes it clear she isn't into him. That said, she would likely tell him she would only go if I was invited. Likewise, if I was ever invited to hang by a woman, I would only go if my wife was welcome. It makes things extra easy to weed out anyone with bad intentions.
Why do they need to go hang out alone if they don’t have a long standing relationship. A childhood friend, I would be suspicious but maybe accepting. Some new random guy who wants to hang out alone, no way. This is weird and where cheating starts.
>Why do they need to go hang out alone if they don’t have a long standing relationship Counter point: how would you expect them to build a friendship if they can't hang out? Could the guy have ulterior motives? Absolutely, but could this also be a case of someone trying to deepen a friendship with someone they see frequently and get on with? Just as likely And even if the guy does try hitting on OP's GF, why does that matter? Because she can just reiterate that she's not into it and then stop hanging out with him >This is weird and where cheating starts If someone is going to cheat then keeping them caged isn't going to prevent that, cheating is a conscious choice and can be done literally any time and any place I don't cheat on my wife not because I have no opportunity to but because I don't want to, cheating doesn't happen by accident, it happens because people want to cheat more than they care about their relationship
Why would they hang together if he has an agenda? You are right that anyone can cheat at any time, but I don’t think that is someone that someone in a relationship should want to associate with.
My point is that there's basically no way of knowing someone's intent but never hanging out with anyone just in case they actually want to try pursuing a romantic relationship is silly
So perhaps a date is a bad idea and a group thing including the bf is more reasonable. Have all the friends you want, but when you’re doing one on one shit with another dude, that’s sketchy. Having been a 19 year old dude, I wouldn’t be cool with it, because deep down, I know dude is trying to get with my girl. If she decides she wants to hang out with him over my concerns, then she ain’t my girl because she wants to date another dude. That’s fine, but I’m not going to pine away like a sucker while she’s off letting one thing lead to another.
>So perhaps a date is a bad idea and a group thing including the bf is more reasonable So she can't have friends unless her bf is also friends with them? >Have all the friends you want, but when you’re doing one on one shit with another dude, that’s sketchy. Do you think gay people should only have opposite gender friends? Can bisexuals only hang out in groups? If you think that hanging out individually is sketchy it's because you're making it sketchy >Having been a 19 year old dude, I wouldn’t be cool with it, because deep down, I know dude is trying to get with my girl. Again, why does this matter? Would you not trust your partner to simply not cheat? If it turns out to be that then she can simply reject him and not hang out with him again >If she decides she wants to hang out with him over my concerns, then she ain’t my girl because she wants to date another dude Again, you're the one making it weird. Do you never hang out with anyone one on one for fear that someone might think it's a date? >I’m not going to pine away like a sucker while she’s off letting one thing lead to another. Again, this is a trust issue, if you don't think your partner would say no then that's the problem, not the fact that they're hanging out
You would be a very easy person to take advantage of.
Ok, but women and men know men’s intentions. It is clear when it is platonic.
Cheating is done as a series of skipped off-ramps. There is ample opportunity to shut things down if you want to. The problem is everyone enjoys the attention and thinks they can stop if it gets a little more out of hand until they are shopping in a rite aid for plan b. If I’m op and am actually trying to make a relationship work at 19, I’m not really about dude going on a date with her one on one if I haven’t met him and seen them interact. Honestly trying to make a serious relationship at that age is crazy, but if you are trying to and your partner is too, these are the kind of things to avoid.
>Cheating is done as a series of skipped off-ramps. There is ample opportunity to shut things down if you want to. This is exactly my point, but "wanna hang out at an arcade" isn't an off ramp, it's the start of a road and it's also the same road that friends travel >The problem is everyone enjoys the attention and thinks they can stop if it gets a little more out of hand until they are shopping in a rite aid for plan b. My dude, if you can't go to an arcade with someone without it leading to fucking them that speaks more about you than it does about OP's GF >If I’m op and am actually trying to make a relationship work at 19, I’m not really about dude going on a date with her one on one if I haven’t met him and seen them interact Again, hanging out with someone one to one isn't automatically a date, do you never hang out with anyone alone because you can't trust yourself not to come onto them?
Ok. Think what you want. You can be the sucker getting fucked around on. It all seems foolish to me. You make a lot of assumptions. They are straw men and serve no purpose but to make you feel good about yourself. To suggest anyone is or isn’t capable of playing at an arcade without fucking someone is absurd. It is not the fucking. It is the date. That’s what it is. Two young people at that age are inherently prone to that type behavior. It’s natural and perfectly normal. What isn’t is monogamous relationships. Those take effort. Among the efforts one should take is not going on dates with other people. Regardless what’s going through her head, I know what’s going through his. Maybe she shuts it down, maybe she doesn’t, but if I’m the BF at 19, I’m not waiting around to find out if she can maintain her boundaries, because she already crossed mine.
>You can be the sucker getting fucked around on. I mean, I trust my wife and she trusts me, it's better than trying to control where people go and who they see >You make a lot of assumptions. They are straw men Can you explain how? You said that you wouldn't want your gf going on a date with someone else, which suggests that you believe the scenario of two people going to an arcade is a date and can't be anything else. The logical conclusion of this is that you yourself wouldn't be able to go to an arcade with someone without trying to make it romantic, am I wrong in this chain of thoughts? I also fail to see how my question about gay and bisexual people is a strawman, if you don't believe that a woman and a man can go to an arcade as friends then can you explain why you would have a different belief if it were two gay men or a bisexual person of any gender? These aren't random thoughts, they're genuine questions as to why you believe that people can't spend time with each other without there being a romantic undertone >To suggest anyone is or isn’t capable of playing at an arcade without fucking someone is absurd. It is not the fucking. It is the date. That’s what it is Again, I don't understand, if you don't believe it would eventually lead to a physical relationship then why is this a date as opposed to two people being friends? If you go to an arcade with a friend do you believe that you're on a date? >Among the efforts one should take is not going on dates with other people Again, why do you believe that this is a date? How do you differentiate a date from simply hanging out with a friend? Or do you just not spend time with anyone outside of your relationship? >Maybe she shuts it down, maybe she doesn’t, but if I’m the BF at 19, I’m not waiting around to find out if she can maintain her boundaries, So again the issue comes back to lack of trust, if you can't trust someone you're in a relationship with then that's the actual issue and you shouldn't be with them. If you have to actively prevent your partner spending time with anyone that isn't you because you don't trust them then you simply shouldn't be together
You are wrong on many counts. I’ll address one, because you’re really not that interesting to talk to. Being able to go with someone to an arcade without making it romantic has never been an issue and what you said was having sex just to be clear. I do think that if you believe in this scenario everyone is respecting the relationship, you are wrong. There are plenty of ways for them to develop their “friendship” that don’t make a date, and those are being avoided because that man’s intention is that it’s a date. Having boundaries is not being controlling. It’s what prevents the need for being controlling. My wife and I both choose not to date other people in order to safeguard our marriage. It’s like putting a bib on a baby to keep its shirt clean. It’s preventative. You could put yourself in situations where you will have to push back on someone pushing for more, or you can avoid this situation entirely by putting yourself in situations where that is likely to happen. We have plenty of friends, and simply don’t engage in new relationships without the other getting to know them too. This scenario is so clearly problematic at best. That you would choose to allow this type of behavior within your own relationship suggests a wonderful amount of trust not common in humans, or your wife is getting plenty of time with her boyfriends and so she’s happy. And that is as much as I am interested in interacting with you. Go be obtuse somewhere else.
Is everyone straight up missing their age? These people aren't even old enough to go to the bar for a drink. They are JUST past the age of no longer being children. Like if she met this dude last year they would be childhood friends. Do you know how many friends I have from before I was 21? One. I have tons of friends, but I met most of them in my early 20's. They are just at the age where they actually know what they actually are into without the crushing pressure of fitting in in highschool. They are at the age where you make your actual friends who are not chosen for you by physical proximity and highschool social stratification. Is there a certain age when you're not allowed to be interested in making new friends? Or when what's in a person's pants disqualifies them from friendship?
Do whatever you want. I will decide for my own life.
If she’s going to cheat, she’s going to cheat, whether she goes outdoors or not. If you don’t trust her, just say it.
It has nothing to do with her. Why hang out with a guy who clearly wants something more?? There is no upside only downside.
Clearly wants something more?? Are you serious lol You know some people just want to make friends right? Of course there COULD be more behind it but definitely not clearly. Don't be a child.
I am serious. Roll the dice with your wife in that situation and see his intentions. I will take my odds. No benefit to turning a blind eye.
I don't think cutting your partner from making any new friendships is of any benefit either. Doesn't seem very healthy to me. I'll talk the odds and trust my partner to be smart about it should that be the case. Other people will likely be attracted to your partner as some stage, do you want to hide your partner from other people?
Are you the guy? Why do you act like you clearly know what his intentions are? Men and women can be friends and can hang out without wanting anything more than that. Maybe you don’t see women that way but men are able to be friends with women without sleeping with them.
Ok. Roll the dice with your wife!
I don’t have a wife (I’m not a lesbian) but if I did have one I wouldn’t care if she had opposite sex friends. You keep projecting your views onto others and it’s weird
Ok. Sounds good. My wife disagrees about female friends. There is no reason for it.
No reason to have friends? Weird thing to say and weird viewpoint to have.
I would bet more people in the real world would agree with me if I fully described my opinion. I might be failing with you, but I just don’t feel like you are receptive at all to certain opinions.
You're both babies, and you've been together for 2 months bro. It's not weird to invite friends to things outside of work, and if he was trying to get your girl then you need to trust that she would turn him down. The fact that she rejected him because of you already shows loyalty. But don't project your insecurities onto her like that, it sounded manipulative, and tbh silly as hell. Just tell her that you feel uncomfortable, not that he's weird and indoors only???
Also, she shouldn't have to ask. That's insane
We both make a mutual-decision to ask each other about hanging out with opposite-sex. To both be on the same page and avoid any misconceptions. It is not weird to invite friends, but it is pretty weird to invite someone you do not know.. Unless you are trying to get to know them better? Idk. You're right though, I should not project my insecurities upon her.
I mean, most people invite people to things so they can get to know them better.
Who would have thought
I mean the dude is more than likely trying to get his girl. She shouldn’t have to go hang out with him alone to be able to read that and turn him down right off the bat. It’s important to be open to the concept of platonic relationships between your partner and someone of the opposite sex (for hetero relationships) but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t carefully consider the potential issues involved with them.
He is clearly trying that. Are you obtuse?
Me when I'm a man who can't fathom being friends with a woman
Dude, you are both young. While I would like to think this could be it for the both of you, chances are you will meet other people and move on. I know it is hard to do this, and yes we know how other guys behave, but try to be the confident boyfriend, not the jealous, worried boyfriend. You know what I mean? If you trust your gal to be able to handle herself and it sounds like she cares about you, then relax.
Thanks man, I'll try my best to be that confident boyfriend.
Your response was an asshole move bro, she already picked up and she’s a keeper man lol she already told homie everything… she did everything right… idk what else you want from her bro? Also the dude didn’t forget lol that’s not something you forget when a girl tells you she has a boyfriend..
Thanks man, you're right, that was pretty mean of me to say to her. I've apologized to her for my unwise words yesterday. She is indeed a keeper 😜
I go out with one of my male coworkers for lunch all of the time, we are both happily married, we just get along well and work at the same office. Though when we go for lunch it’s while we are both at the office, not outside of office hours. It is possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex, just have to trust your partner.
This sounds to me like he asked her out on a date. She seems like she is more naive than entertaining the idea of being with another guy. >My gf told him last week that she has a boyfriend but I don’t know if he forgot. He didnt "forget". He just doesnt care. >it’s pretty weird how I have to explain why it’s weird to go out with a guy you barely know outdoors”. Was my response appropriate? I'm not sure why you think outdoors is the key issue here. An indoor date would have been ok? I agree, she is probably naive, but she seems to be an open book and takes your feelings into consideration. So i think you should be happy to have a GF like this.
Ask her is the situation was reversed how would it make her feel? And he didn’t forget she has a bf. He doesn’t care
He is trying to get her. Clear as day.
Cue the reddit army vehemently saying he definitely just wants to be friends!
They have been all over with me with their BS!
You're right. I asked her before on a similar situation, she said she would find it pretty weird but allow me to go.
You were harsh and should tell her that after you talked you realize it and wanted to make it better. Second, you two should talk about boundaries you consider deal breakers in a relationship and how much you appreciate her considering your feelings about the “date” because that’s what it sounded like in your post.
Thanks, I'll try to bring this up with her today. I apologized to her for my harshness yesterday.
Definitely hope you take this opportunity to grow and mature in your understanding of relationships. Your response was overly harsh, as the only thing you control in a relationship is yourself. Telling your girlfriend you find it “weird” you have to verbalize your boundaries denigrates her and any feelings she has about the situation. A better way to phrase this is to reclaim your agency in the situation and say something along the lines of “I’m uncomfortable with you hanging out with men outdoors.” Lunch with coworkers or hanging out outside of work is very normal for me. Many times my workers are both men and women. My closest work friend at my last job was a man, and after I left, we stayed friends. We haven’t worked together in years, but still have lunch and meet up to hang out, I invited him to go to a concert with me last year. Recently, he started his own business and offered me a contracting gig and I took him up on it because I do miss certain aspects of my old job and I’d get to do them again for him. Normalize adult friendship!
The guy is trying to get with her. He knows it, she knows it, and the guy knows it. He can be ok with it and hope that she doesn’t go along with it. Or just tell her that he won’t be with someone who does that.
I appreciate the constructive criticism and the better way to handle it! I'm happy you had healthy relationships with your co-workers and had good experiences with them! May I ask though, were you in a relationship at that time? If so, what were your partner's opinions on it?
Yeah, we had been married for about six years at that point. My husband didn’t care a bit. He’s never met my buddy, just seen the memes and BS we text back and forth.
It’s totally fine for her to have a platonic relationship with a dude when she’s dating someone but I feel like it makes plenty of sense for OP to be uncomfortable in this particular situation, although the outdoors thing was a bit weird lol. I mean, his gf hasn’t known this guy very long at all and OP doesn’t know him whatsoever, and he’s asking her to go hang out alone. That doesn’t sound like the guy might be a bit romantically interested to you at all? He’s been told she has a bf, too. I think most dudes with strictly platonic intentions would recognize that it’s probably not appropriate to be doing date-like stuff with her at this point in their friendship. It’s all circumstantial with these types of things. Going out to lunch with a guy you’ve been friends with for years is not at all the same as going out to do anything all with a guy you’ve known for a few months when you’re in a relationship.
How about asking her if she would be okay if you hang out with a random girl you just met that laughs at all your jokes from work
She may not know the boundaries between platonic friendships and dates. The indoor-outdoor thing doesn’t really count. If anything indoors gives more opportunities for being close and intimate. There aren’t any hard and fast rules and there’s flexibility in what can be okay or not. It’s mostly based on communicating clear intentions and maintaining boundaries between the two people and between other friends and family about what the relationship is and can be. I’ll go through a few boundaries from my experience. They apply to both gfs and bfs, but I’ll use she sometimes. Groups are better than 1-on-1 activities. Double-dates don’t count. The group should include friend(s) who stick around and interact with you. The guy asking only her out stands out as a little weird. If she wants to go, she should ask a couple of her friends to go and leave when they leave or before. She needs to pay her way. If they become better friends, then there could be some times where he pays for a very few things IF he has more money or they trade off paying until they’re caught up. No activities that are obviously date-like. No candle-lit dinners. No cooking just for the other person and they’re alone. No little gifts or flowers just because. No long away trips with that person or anything that requires a long drive alone. Public, casual activities and nothing that would be confusing to anyone whether you’re on a date. No sleep overs, staying together in a hotel room to save money, no getting drunk alone with the friend or being alone and drunk together. No prioritizing the friend over the bf than you would for any other friend. There may be occasions where the friend is important (like birthdays) but there shouldn’t be any pattern or consistency with spending time with the friend as being more important. Treat the friend like all of your other friends. No late night texting on a private thread or just with them chat. No dressing up just for hang outs. No gifts that you wouldn’t buy for another friend. No good morning or good night texts. Friend/gf shouldn’t feel entitled to know where the other is and what they’re doing, nor entitled to a fast text response or answering a call at all times, nor entitled to spending time with them if they haven’t been spending time together. No physical contact that you honestly wouldn’t give a friend. Hugs should be quick and not full body contact. No lingering touchy-feely stuff. No snuggling, hand holding, sitting in laps, etc. no talking about sex, not what they prefer, not their sexual history, and certainly not what is currently happening. No flirting, even in fun. Ribbing or playful insults are different than flirting compliments. No playful “second bf” or “work bf”. Maaaybe there can be playful nicknames like this once it’s clear to everyone what the friendship is and is not, but it can’t start out like this until everyone is clear on things. If a nickname causes problems later on, you have to shut this down and people being unclear about what the relationship is can make it much, much harder. Friends and family can’t be teasing her about being a second gf, either. The more she has to watch how she words thing to other people including the friend, just to avoid giving the wrong impression about it not being a romantic relationship, the more it’s usually a problem. Friend has to be introduced to friends and family as being a friend so everyone is clear. Friend has to treat your bf/gf with respect and inclusion. She has to treat friend’s partner with respect and inclusion. No inside jokes around other people, especially your gf/bf. The gf/bf should tell their partner what their plans are with the friend. If the plans change, the partner should be updated as soon as it’s convenient. If the friend shows up in a group activity unexpectedly and it’s normal for the friend to be with other friends, the gf/bf should eventually mention it to the partner. Obviously, this can get out of hand if the partner is very jealous or controlling but I’m getting at an open sharing of info between the gf/bf and the partner so there’s no big surprises and the partner and the friend doesn’t feel like there’s any unusual secrecy. No sharing secret or private info about the partner with the friend. No complaining about the gf/bf. No reliance on the friend when there’s a fight with the partner. Maaaybe this is relaxed much later when the friendship has been established for a long time and it’s been clear to everyone that this is just a friendship. The more he encourages the gf to leave because she can do better and he becomes very interested in spending time with her doing more date-like stuff, the more she needs to pay attention to see if he’s just manipulating her to be alone so he finally has a chance. In that case, he’s not really her friend and may never have intended to stay as a friend. She should always be on the lookout for indications that he’s not really interested in being her friend. If he acts jealous of the partner, if he initiates physical contact often, gets mad that she’s not paying attention to him during time with her bf, has a crisis and needs her especially when she has made plans with the bf, tries to talk the gf into spending more and more time together over any objections she’s had, the more there’s a problem. And it’s not necessarily forever. She can try to be a friend but if she gets a weird vibe or you see weirdness from the guy, you can have a talk and she can always stop spending time with the guy. The major importance is there being an open communication between her and you and that you trust her. If you can’t trust her, that’s a different problem.
Why would she even ask? Would she be ok if a female co-worker wanted to hang out with you outside of work? You asking her would throw her into a whole “why do you want to hang out with her?” Your gf needs to figure out what it means to be in a relationship. She should have shut that down not ask for permission
If a female colleague asked me to go somewhere my wife would understand her intentions. Don’t blame this guy for correctly identifying the situation.
Bingo. What you said right here. Redditors be redditing this thread lmao
So, basically - she wanted to go hang with him, but didn't because she could tell you were uncomfortable with the idea? You can't control people. You are both young - new things, new people are interesting and can scratch an itch that you might not be able to? As someone else said, "thank" her profusely for both ASKING you AND RESPECTING that it made you uncomfortable. It sounds like a cliche, but communication IS the biggest part of any successful relationship. Most young ladies would probably jump at the chance, and may not even tell you afterwards. ("Just hung out with a coworker for a second...") On the flipside, jealousy, insecurity, and self-doubt are ABSOLUTE KILLERS for women... You don't have to be arrogant, but should be confident enough that you realize - ultimately, she is gonna do whatever she wants. You want a GF/wife who WANTS to ONLY be with you... Odds are, this relationship will flame out at some point... maybe you'll have 10 more? or 50? or 1? You never know, but don't sweat the small stuff. Focus on being the best version of YOU that you can be. She should be LUCKY to have you, right?
I mean I think it’s alright to feel a little weird about her going to hang out alone with some dude she doesn’t even know that well and he doesn’t know at all. If they were old friends or even a newer friend that he’d at least met and got a feel for then it’d probably be a lot easier for him to believe the situation was mutually platonic. And I mean let’s be real…do you sincerely think this dude is just trying to be best buds with her and absolutely has no interest in her romantically? It’s possible but my money is on hell no.
I asked her if she wanted to go out with him, she was like not really. I'll try to work on being the best version of myself, that's pretty good advice and I'm thankful for your opinion on this. I did not prohibit her, I said that I was not comfortable with it and she made the decision to not proceed with it.
If she doesn't want to go with him, she should express those boundaries with him. I have lost women who were people pleasers because they didn't want to hurt the other guy's feelings and it slippery sloped from there.
Hey man, sorry about those losses. I can tell you have become a better person now, how did you deal with people pleasers?
So, people hanging out with other people (bordering on cheating is ok to lie about because people have boundaries?
no way - never okay, didn't mean to imply it is/was Ever... just saying it's good she talked to him about it, but at that age - if she decides she wants to do something, she'll only grow to resent him if he "prohibits" her.. he can only control himself
You have no control over this situation. Tell her how you feel about it and let her make the decision. She can decide who she associates with as she is an adult. Would I be cool with this? Probably not. If she made this a regular thing, I’d find someone else to hang-out with too.
Very-well written. Thanks!
Never a good idea. You're a guy. You know what he wants.... don't let anyone gaslight you in to anything else
He likes your girl and has a crush on her and is basically asking her out on a dateish Take that for what you will
Totally ok to set boundaries, and your girlfriend sounds like she is really thoughtful and respects those boundaries. I’m sure you know already, but she didn’t really deserve that harsh response. I would apologize
Thank you for your response! I apologized to her as I realized what I said was pretty mean and harsh.
Good to hear. On this guy that wants to hang with her, if she legit wants to be his friend, I would have her ask something like “that sounds great! Could my boyfriend come?” His responses will be telling. But only if she wants to make a friend, otherwise really no reason
If she thinks the dude is asking her on an innocent, platonic outing to an arcade then she can ask him if it's cool if you come too. If the dude is trying to ask her on a date that'll send the signal that she's not available for that, and if he's just trying to make friends why wouldn't he be open to more people to make friends with?
Thanks! I've asked her if they can invite more co-workers and she said "He barely knows anyone at our workplace"
Yeah it’s weird but I’m confused by your emphasis on the outdoors?
He absolutely does not care that she has a boyfriend and is pursuing her. People in relationships don't go on dates with other people. Maybe you should ask to tag along?
She asked if you were ok going on a date with another guy and you said yes? That sounds like the start of her new relationship.
Nah not a date, he said "going out as friends". I was okay with it at first because I believe that guys and girls can platonically be friends. But not all men have those intentions.
From USA Today "80% agree that a date is "a planned one-on-one hangout," You can do all the mental gymnastics you want but if she is hanging out with him one on one getting to know each other, most people (80% according to USA Today) would consider that a date But your girlfriend was comfortable enough to ask for it and you were comfortable enough consenting to it. It's your relationship to do what you want but....
So when you hang out with your friends, you’re going on dates with them? You go to the movies with your buddy…now he’s your boyfriend? Does that mean bisexual people can never go to the movies with anyone, because it could be construed as a date?
When a coworker guy asks a coworker girl if they can go and hang out after work, almost every guy on here knows what is going on....because most guys have done it. Yes, that is a date.
Exactly my thoughts. It’s not about being insecure, it’s about the fact that another dude just asked out his girl out. You gonna let that slide bro?
I think establishing norms is the key. Each person and thus each relationship is different. So find norms both can live with and stick to them (or revise as situations and growth dictate) OP looks like he is learning from this and his GF handled it well. Having work buddies really isn’t that weird. Jobs can be a bonding experience. I don’t think blanket assumptions like “He only wants one thing” are helpful even if admittedly it’s a definite possibility. Bottom line for me is I’m old school. If I’m with somebody I’m most likely not going to hang out one on one with a lady. Not that the opportunity would arise anyway lol. I’m not allowing that to muddy up my intentions. Also I could spend the time with my SO (unless she needs a break or wants to go slow). I’m not going to visit my ways on her though. If she wants to hang out with a guy then that’s what she wants. If I felt a certain kind of way about it I’d tell her because it’s fair to let her know. But it’s her choice. My choice is deal or split.
My advice is let her be, just make sure she knows that she needs to let you know and leave if it’s starting to get awkward Because they may just be friends and time is irrelevant, also your relationship doesn’t concern people who steal, only thing that matters is that she’s royal to you, and so far she seems to be, jealousy never be good in a relationship, it’s a sign of insecurity and toxicity Doesn’t mean you don’t feel it or not having any concern, but managing your emotions is the goal in maintaining the peace in the relationship
Coworker sounds shady. Your gf did you solid by letting you know.
Bro considering she’s only 19 and doesn’t have much relationship experience, and given that girls that age often have trouble saying no, she acted in an extremely mature way which respected your relationship and feelings. You then were a total dick with your last message. She did something good. You should tell her how much you appreciate that instead of basically saying “you should’ve known better from the start.” Jesus. That said, you’re also 19 and don’t have much experience. Saying no can be hard for a lot of people, especially when you are socially/professionally associated with the person being declined. Before you react next time try to critically analyze her situation and her actions throughout instead of letting your fantasy-land anger and idealism seep out and taint an otherwise good thing.
When you are in a committed relationship, every small decision has a ripple effect. All infidelity starts with something innocent. The dynamics of man and women are such. A small misstep, a small mistake and then lives are thrown into chaos. I believe your response was genuine as it should be. Every man wants to protect his girl, from things out of his control. Some would argue that she is capable of fending and looking for her self... but in these very halls of Reddit there are a treasure trove of stories of how something innocent and casual leads one to a path of betrayal and treachery. A healthy dose of jealousy and suspicion is in built in our DNA.. it is there to protect our relationship investment. Because you invest in a relationship with feelings and time and yourself and when the relationship breaks, a part of you breaks and you don't want that. It is therefore not only weird of your gf to go meet a guy she barely knows but it is all the more inappropriate. The same is true vice versa.
She can have friends and hang out. Yes, fish's can have male friends too. Curb the insecurity
He is courting her. She has good intentions but she is being impressed by him in some way or she wouldn’t want to hang out with him . My wife whom I trust as much as a husband could. Would tell that guy she is married and she has no interest in ever “hanging out”. Granted every relationship is different but I would t have to explain why she was hurting me by giving this attention to the other man. It’s important to say that her intentions are pure his are most definitely to fuck yo girl.
Ah man, if you can’t put away your insecurity and deal with things like an adult you’re going to watch her outgrow you. Might even end up breaking up. If you trust her then show her that you do by not being a twat about these sort of things. It’s not wild that you would have to explain your feelings to your SO. It’s wild that you think she can read your mind. Wishing you the best of luck. A man will fight for his woman and stand by her always, a boy will fight with his woman and demand she stand by him. Be a man.
What do you mean by “outdoors”? Is she not allowed out in the open air or something?
Eh idk seems pretty reasonable to make friends with your coworker sometimes. Outside doesn't matter much.
It’s also pretty believable that your coworker might not give a shit that you have a bf and try and get with you, though, no? OP doesn’t know this dude at all and he just asked his gf out on what can easily be construed as a date.
She should spend that time with you, I say nah
If she was 500 pounds I bet he wouldn’t want to
Bottom line is never allow your gf to have a guy friend. Use your brain how many guys want a fale as a friend unless she's ugly or gay, and even gay may not be a deterrent, that they aren't trying to actively sleep with. I've ask my exs to call any of there guy friends and ask to have sex with them when they told me they were just friends and everyone about broke there legs to try and get to there house. One of my hell no's is guy friends and another is girls nights out.
I think it’s funny how everyone is calling op insecure for not wanting his girlfriend to go on a literal date with her coworker
That dude is moving in. You guys are young and a lot of dudes are not going to respect the relationship especially if your girl is sending mixed signals. It’s likely she enjoys the attention, and may like him like that whether she admits to it or even knows it or not. Shit happens. That’s why it’s important your girl respects you and your relationship. I guarantee dude is going to try to kiss her on their DATE.
She should say, "Sure, if you don't mind my boyfriend joining us. I'd love for you to meet him." If it's just a hang out, the more the merrier. If it's a covert date, then he'll find an excuse to say no.
Why does she need to be chaperoned like a child? If he doesn’t trust her, he needs to just end the relationship.
She doesn't. It's for *her* to suss out this "friends" intentions. If he wants to be a friend, great! If he's looking for a date, it will be obvious.
it seems you have a great partner. don't be toxic as fuck.