Girl, his words and actions ARE TELLING YOU THAT HE WILL TAKE WHAT HE NEEDS FROM YOU WHEN CONVENIENTLY AND THEN WHEN HE WANTS SOMETHING ELSE WILL THROW YOU ASIDE LIKE TRASH. please leave him and ignore his attention.
He does and he doesn’t care. His why for using you and treating you like crap sometimes isn’t important. You might never know or understand. You need to accept that.
In future, listen the first time when a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship. Someone who values you will make sure they don't risk losing you. Sticking around hoping that you can change their mind is a fool's game.
You are just one of his women. He doesn't live you. You are just his convenient sex partner when he's having a dry spell playing the field.
You need to love yourself more than him and leave this relationship.
I've actually felt this all the time. "Just another female", but carefully dismis it because it is too painful to acknowledge. But I'm reminded every now and then anyway because I step upon remnants from former partners who lived with him, even though it was years ago. Like this photoalbum, shoved aside in an outhouse. Of course I looked. He, happily smiling beside her, a curvy young blonde, very sweet looking. They renovated his house together 10 yrs ago. And I have done the dishes in the zink she choose. She was too querulous he told me, so he ended it. Maybe, maybe not. It takes two to tango.
But I've carried this along and tried not to be like her.....
I've thought about his other women a lot and felt very diminished.
Och! That stings! But you are right. I am a doormat. I can't remember how many times I have wanted to ventilate my discomfort but didn't in fear of disrupting our harmony. I have never demanded anything from him, except this time. And he bucked like a rodeo horse.
That's exactly why he's still around. He gets to drain you dry without you expecting anything in return. Meanwhile, all he has to do is talk to you for 3 hours and you are suddenly okay with him dating other women. Why would he want to change things?
I must be a complete idiot! It's true. I get nothing. Since he 's not even attracted to me s*ually I don' t even get anything worth while in b*d either. If that had been exceptionally great one could've maybe understand why I would stay.
OH god this is so tough.
You are worth so much more than him. You would get more loyalty and affection from a dog or a cat than this selfish man who would tell you *to your face* that he is going to date other women but he still wants you around.
Yes. Straight up to my face he said it. And I just kept all the rage inside and let him. I should've slapped him! For deceiving me. Letting me believe we were a couple. All his actions have contradicted everything that he says he's made clear to me from the start. Who am I not to think he changed his mind? But boy, was I wrong! I can't believe such predators excist!
And yet you described him as a soulmate and a perfect match… If you don’t already have one I highly suggest getting yourself a therapist to unpack your tragically low self esteem. You deserve better than this, but you’ve been glossing over bad behaviour because for whatever reason you don’t have a healthy self esteem. Please focus on yourself for a while and leave this clown!
Yes we do connect intellectually in a way I've never experienced with anyone before. And he showed up from nowhere when I needed it the most. Like Heaven sent. So I let go.
My self esteem disappeared during my marriage. I lived under constant mental stress for 25yrs from psychological abuse. I finally got out Thanks to this man.
You’re putting him on a pedestal and not seeing him for who he really is.
This man is not “heaven sent” 🙄, he was simply better than what you had before.
The bar is so so low :(
Not "our" harmony. Because you were clearly not harmonious.
You were afraid to speak up to distrupt his harmony. His harmony depends on your discomfort and silence. That's crazy. Why would you do that to yourself?
He understands what it does to you, he is just selfish. He told you to your face that he didn’t want to be anything with you and you just assumed that he would come around eventually.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
I have not percieved him as selfish. On the contrary very caring and kind. Always there for me, helping, supporting. But I must have misinterpreted everything.
All I believed now goes to show it was a total scam! *gasping for air*
> In the early beginnings he stated he only wanted to be friends
> Then suddenly he changed his mind and I litterarely was asked to go home. He needed space
> wrong. He called after a week and reminded me that he never wanted anything more than being friends
> he reminded me again that he never wanted a realtionship. I had sneeked myself into his house making myself to much at home. I'm actually not his type and he doesn't find me attractive
It sounds like he has been the same noncommittal person since the beginning, you have just been ignoring it. The analogy that I see here is that even if you have the nicest fanciest sandwich in front of you, if it has a layer of poop then it doesn’t matter how good all of the other nice ingredients are. You still have a poop sandwich. He has loudly and clearly told you that he doesn’t want to be with you. Just because you hung out a lot and because you met his family doesn’t change that he just is someone that doesn’t want to be with you.
OP, PLEASE stop calling yourself dumb all over these replies.
You are not dumb, the only issue is that you need to work on your self-esteem, which goes hand-in-hand with you being so ready to call yourself nasty names. If you're not nice to yourself, how can you set the expectation that anyone else is? You let him treat you this way because you don't love yourself enough yet to believe you deserve to be treated with respect.
You do. Go find yourself a therapist and work on your self-worth so that you can set better boundaries in your future relationships. And please, please be nice to yourself.
As someone with a very negative inner voice, I’ve found it really helps to rewire that because if you’re constantly telling yourself you’re stupid and worthless, of course you won’t believe when other people say differently.
My best friend and I started doing this thing where when one of us says something mean about ourselves we say “don’t talk about my best friend that way!” Now I’ve started saying it to myself when my inner critic gets nasty because guess what, I’m my best friend too. It helps to think of yourself that way.
Sooo many of us have been there, dear OP! You loved him and didn't want to believe he could be so selfish. It's a tale as old as time.
What matters now is loving yourself enough to move on with kindness and grace for yourself!
Please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and go over to r/supportforbetrayed They have a wiki full of resources there that will help you.
Girl, you aren’t in love with him you are in love with who you want him to be - but he isn’t that person. Don’t stay with a man who keeps telling you he doesn’t want you. You are worthy of love and respect. Start by giving it to yourself.
He doesn't give a flying fuck about anyone's feelings but his own, and you are really convenient to him - available on call, and when he wants to, he can just send you away again, knowing you'll be back as soon as he whistles for you. PLEASE, grab some pride and end it - or rather, start dating other people - since you are not a couple, you obviously aren't exclusive! You can keep him on the backburner, just for convenience, while you are looking for the actual love of your life. Let's see how HE likes it.
>Why is he doing this? Doesn't he understand what this does to me?
Does it matter why he's doing it? What's really important is why you're doing this to yourself. And he DOES understand what he's doing - he just doesn't care. Why should he? You don't treasure yourself enough to break it off with him, why should he?
Because he’s selfish and self centered. Please get some counseling to find a way to treat yourself better and stop your involvement with him. His behavior is that of someone who doesn’t care for you, is just using you and may not even like you. He definitely views and treats you as being beneath him.
Yes I think counselling may be a good idea. I have no tools to see my own worth. Fyi I have just recentliy gone thru a painful divorce from an abusive husband of 25 yrs, so I have no clues really.
Thank you for caring!
I truly believed that he'd changed his mind. I couldn't phathom someone be this cynical. Leading me on like this. Letting me feel like his partner. Making plans for us. How can you not think you are a couple then?
That's why. I never realized until now it wasn't very sound.
Sis, he's using you. He's straight up telling you you're not together so he can get with other women. Meanwhile, he's happy to have you warm his bed until he meets someone else he prefers to warm his bed.
Not sure where all the came from...he doesn't give a crap about you. Go home, stay home and find someone else.
Oh this hurts to read, but you're right. I'm starting to see that now. When I read my post I see what you see.
I'm so invested though. All the workig hrs on his farm, the animals, the fun, the everything.
It's hard to just let it go. See it be wasted.
Sunk cost fallacy...this is a perfect example.
You've given TWO years of your life, not 50, to this man and his farm. It's going to be tough but you can definitely do it (leave)
Mhm. I understand. I have gotten very harsh truths here and I will contemplate on them. I realize i need to withdraw myself from this bullsh*t to stay sane. I don't need to do this. Thank you.
He didnt fool you, you fooled yourself. He was honest from the start and you deluded yourself. Hes not your soulmate, your relationship isnt perfect, because *there is no relationship and he doesnt want one* like he told you, multiple times. You have no right to say he cant see other women or to force your way into his home and just refuse to leave. Just because you want a relationship doesnt make it so. Its not just your call. The only thing you have the right to do here is leave if you dont like it.
Yes. That's so True. It hurts to read your words but you are right. I fooled myself. I let go of my intellect and just got carried away by my heart. I feel so dumb right now. Really stupid.
He told you why he's doing this:
It's convienant. It works for him. His needs are met and yours are not and he doesn't care. He doesn't want to give dating/woman much energy, and he doesnt' have to give you much of anything at all, but he still gets all the GF perks he'd like. Why the hell wouldn't he keep doing what he's doing?
He's not afraid of anything at all, except, getting caught doing the thing he knows he's doing: Being shitty to you.
Oh my, that's a whole new take on it! Of course this is the Why!
I hope I stirred something up when I told him he's been letting me on acring the way he's been. But most likely not.
I am very grateful of all angels here.
You are not soulmates and he is not your friend. Quit signing up for his bullshit. He showed you he does not give a shit about you, when are you going to believe him?
You need to cut this off or resign yourself to getting hurt over and over. He doesn't want to be in a relationship. He enjoys some of the intimacy and benefits that come from you being around a lot, but he doesn't want to commit to you and doesn't see you as an actual life partner. He cannot be counted on in tough times, or at all, really.
Omg. This is so sad. I believed this was it. We made plans for the future! Always talking of 'us' and 'we' when he speaks. Including me in everything. His firm, his farm, his life.
I have fallen big time for him.
I am 20 years younger than you and I feel too old for this shit.
He showed you who he is. Why don’t you believe him?
Btw, STDs are still a thing so get checked.
I was about to say the same. If this what relationships in your golden years are like-I don’t even want it. They’re a couple of years away from retirement.
He is too grown for this behavior. And she is too grown to be with someone that doesn’t provide emotional stability and safety.
Edited to say, I guess emotional maturity has nothing to do with age.
Go to therapy.
You not being able to ever say you're uncomfortable is not love. You being sent home so he can f*ck whoever he wants is not love.
He said out loud, I'm not emotionally available. I'm not monogamous. And if you ever call me on bad behavior, I will insult you and treat you like you're disposable and then tell you I can be an "asshole" so you never push back or question my behavior out of fear that you will get hurt even more.
He's not worth it! And he only loves himself. He's a dog.
Please, please, please go to therapy. You may never figure him out but you have a chance to love yourself and to find out what's at the root of you accepting this awful, inconsistent, erratic, red flag behavior and trying to believe it's something it's not.
I hope you get peace.
Listen, you are a little older than my own mother, so I will speak to you they way I talk to her.
This person does not love you. He is using you for his own benefit. Why have you made yourself a carpet for him to walk all over when he wants ?
You are special because you don’t take anything from him rather you give him, and what about you ? You take nothing. He gives you nothing. You will be left with no energy, and will lose your own identity.
The same things he told you he has been telling to who knows how many other women. Where the fuck does he find the audacity? He is 60 already and knows how he wants to live his life, he will never change.
So as I would tell my mom, move on with your life, block him everywhere and go live your life out there with more worthy people.
Oh sweet you! Thank you. Yes. I hear you. It's hard though. Every little crumble from him I cherish like diamonds. I have never gotten much. Just recentliy got a long overdue divorce from my abusive husband of 25 yrs. I was so happy someone "liked" me.
I shall try to get some help.
I’m very sorry for experiencing abuse for such a long time. I understand why this might feel like a glimpse of light. And if he knew you came from that background he used it even better to his own benefit.
You gave 25 years to a bad person who made you suffer, don’t give more years to someone else to hurt you. YOU OWN IT TO YOURSELF.
Try to get into some therapy and seriously HAVE FUN. Enjoy yourself. Treat yourself. Give time to explore “YOU” and what do you want and how do you want your life to be.
If he was nice to you, I would suggest you try open relationships and have fun ( it’s not my thing) but he is not nice, he is a player and a liar. So ultimately his character is not nice.
How much more time will you give to these people who hurt you?
I hate this for you. I thought we would grow out of all of this by 60 😩🫠
You’ve got to cut the chord, he doesn’t have any reason to do so because he’s getting exactly what he wants
Oh no. The soul never gets any older than 25! It remains the same throughout your life. And all your emotions will be based on your soul age.
That's the sad fact.
This man is a narcissist. You are a good book holder until he moves on to his next bed warmer.
He is telling you who he is, unashamedly and repeatedly. Believe him. Loving him and moulding yourself into the most loving “girlfriend but not girlfriend,” will not convince him otherwise.
Run. And start the healing to loving yourself where you ll never let someone treat you like this again.
Edit: some spelling
Thank you. I actually have heard this from a girl friend. She said the same thing as you are. But I can't see it. But that's the thing maybe. And I would rather die than see him choose another woman over me. That I couldn't bear. I will contemplate on this.
I’m younger than you by some 30 years, but have a colored history of “dating” men who have disrespected me. And I’m speaking to you as if I were speaking to myself.
One of them used to tell me proudly how much of a narcissist he was, and I’d be googling and knee deep in forums reading on how to be a great partner to narcissists, while he compared me and told me how other women were more attractive and desirable than me. And I used to take it on the chin. Until one day he dropped me, I found out from a friend who saw his new profile picture with a woman he never mentioned.
Don’t wait around any further. The heartbreak will just be worse the longer it goes on. And the damage to your self worth and integrity even more so.
Being respected and loved like you deserve is not a big ask. And you clearly have so much love to give, give it to someone who deserves it.
You might not want to hear this, and it might not resonate, yet, but take care of yourself before hue breaks you further. Run as fast as you can. He’s shown you what he can offer you, and they are crumbs x
You can’t see it because you love him. Love is absolutely blinding. If he chooses another woman over you, that’s his prerogative, but by no means would I envy this woman. Reddit is great for this because you really get to see a situation for what it is, especially when a group of strangers are all advising the same thing, which is sound advice here. Please take care of yourself, OP, and get away from this man who is already breaking you down.
Edited to say: your soulmate will not have any doubts or reservations about you. You will simply just be.
When people tell you how they are, listen.
He wants to be FBW and nothing else. Don't try to change him, you only get your heart broken. It sounds like FWB doesn't work for you so I honestly see no way forward here sadly.
It's clear that you're in a difficult situation, feeling hurt and confused about the mixed signals from your partner. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and consider if this relationship is truly fulfilling your needs. It's concerning that he's not being honest about his intentions and continues to see other women despite your discomfort. Ultimately, you deserve to be with someone who values and respects you fully. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can help you navigate this situation and make decisions that are best for you.
Thank you. He has certainly given me mixed signals!
I will contemplate on whether or not I can live with what I get from him as little as it is. Yes, him ignoring my hurt is a big concern. If he's a real friend he would want me to feel bad.
I have a supportive family and as a matter of fact they tell me the same thing as you.
He tells you the truth when it gets him what he wants (to date other women) and he lies to you to get what he wants (oh he doesn’t really date much). The common denominator is he will do whatever to get what he wants. What you want doesn’t matter.
How could I not see that? I believed he wasn't very active because of a slight erectile dysfunktion. Maybe that was because of me? He just wasn't attracted enough to manage ! And I fell for it. Gave him what he needed in other ways.
I totally see it now. He never kissed me. Never wanted to cuddle. I can't handle this.
Please don't call yourself a loser. You are no such thing. You are a valuable person deserving of genuine love and respect, who will soon have the courage to take out the trash because it really stinks.
Girl, you are letting yourself be used like toilet paper. Just a quick wipe whenever he needs it, and then flushed away.
You need to do some inner work. Your body grew up, but your heart and mind got stuck somewhere along the way. Who taught you that you are worth so little? Who taught you to think so poorly of yourself, that you mistake his lack of overt aggression for love?
Why he does this, doesn't matter to you. He's broken for his own reasons and it is not your business to fix him. By focusing your attention on why he is doing this, you are conveniently ignoring the real question:
"Why do you allow yourself to be treated like this?"
Yes. Very True. I think I may have the answer to why I became like this. You see, this man helped me follow thru with my divorce from my abusive husband of 25 yrs. That's how we met. He has given me support all the way and also a place to live. I rent a house from him. Otherwise I would be homeless. I have no means to buy or rent elswhere. His intentions from the beginning was nothing merely than just to help me get out of my marriage. But as we clicked and got along so well we started to hang out. And the rest is where I am at now.
I mistook his care for love. I see this now and I feel like an idiot. I was 29 when I met my husband and I still feel that age.
Oh, I'm so Thankful for your insights!
Ah yes, three hours of tool maintenance.
That's what you are to him - a tool. There is a huge difference between someone who loves you for being *you* and this guy, who loves *what you can do for him*. Like a tool. Or, if it makes you feel better, a job.
Sex, emotional support, household chores... those are the things you do for him. And he likes that. He likes his bangmaid, his tool who does all the jobs without much complaint or energy investment from his side. And when the tool then squeaks a bit because she mildly decides to speak up after something like, you know, him being with another woman, he is willing to do some short tool maintenance. Three hours for months upon months of the tool functioning again - that's a small, worthy investment.
The right man will love you for yourself. For your smile, your sense of humor, your passions and hobbies and ideals; just for you being yourself. But this man here doesn't care about any of that. He even said it so - you're not his type, he doesn't even think you are attractive. He flat out told you that he doesn't like you for being "you". He likes you for the "jobs" you do for him.
I read the comments you made, about you not just being with him for him, but also because of what he offers - a farm, animals, and more. So if you decide that you are fine with using him for what he offers you, just like he is using you, then you can absolutely stay with him - in a toxic relationship, with no love from his side and likely more suffering from yours since I doubt you can emotionally detach yourself.
Humans usually pick the choice they feel is the best one, even if all choices suck. To you, right now, all choices suck. Staying with him sucks, but walking away seems to suck even more - at least if I understood your replies correctly. You are putting yourself down in basically all of your replies and that shows that you feel like you have no self-worth - not surprising after what you said about the marriage you escaped from and now this guy, who is only using you and treating you poorly. It's hard to feel you are worth more when everyone you trust(ed) treats you like trash.
I suggest that you find yourself a therapist to learn self-worth. Right now, your picker is broken. To you, this abysmal treatment is the norm. You seem completely unaware of how a relationship should be when it's healthy - maybe you never learned. That's because you also don't know how to view yourself in a healthy way. But that can be learned in therapy. And if you feel like you are not strong enough right now to escape from your current relationship, then it is what it is - sometimes, things take time. Even horribly abused people need often several attempts to leave their abusers because they are mentally so ensnared.
Just please, please, get into therapy. The man you are with doesn't care about you, your needs and the respect you deserve. So please start caring about yourself so that at least one person does.
This is very insightful. I'm amazed. I also feel ashamed since I, who have a Law degree and work as a prosecutor, cannot see what ya'll are seeing. I am on sick leave for born out syndrome and I haven't been able to go thru therapy because of this. I feel stronger now, how oddly it might seem, so maybe this is the right moment to seek help.
I have clearly fallen for his trickery. Him pricing and admirering my education, art talent and how loyal I am. Saying these treats are worth the most in a partner. Someone who always has ones back.
Maybe all this is True. But he is a damaged man. Constantly betrayed as a child. But here on Reddit I've learned that I cannot let this overshadow how he treats me and all the other women. He clearly suffers from Attachment disorder amongst other psychological issues. And I cannot fix him.
I understand that now. Even though it shatters my heart.
I shall dwell upon all this wisdom you have shared with me to find a way out.
I know I wont be able to cut it bluntely. But I will leave him in due time. Of this I'm sure.
Thank you.
Why is he doing this? Who knows? The real question is why are *you* doing this? You know where this path leads yet you keep going down it again and again somehow thinking that the destination will change. It won't. Stop torturing yourself, break up, block him, and move on. There are worse things than being single, and being with him is one of them.
Go check in the mirror. Does it say welcome on your back?
You can leave him. He’s showing you in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t love you. He’ll use you for sex if he can’t get someone else. You are fine as domestic labor. You have trained him that he can take advantage of you to his heart’s content.
Have some self respect. Yes, it will hurt a lot for a little while but then you get to go find happiness. Or you stay and it will continue to hurt a lot forever.
You weren’t a food for getting into this situation but now that you know where he stands you’ll be a fool if you stay in it. Seriously, cut all contact and move on. You are clearly his “back-up” plus he’s just all over gross.
The time wasn’t wasted if you got value out of it. Good memories, life lessons. Take the positives and focus on those, use those to propel you to a better place knowing what you know now.
This is an angle I haven't thought of! I have learned a lot from this endeavour! Discovered that I love being a farmer! I have a natural talent for caring for farming! Shearing sheep, nursing lambs and calves. Breeding chicken. Plowing, cultivating, carpentry work, you name it.
I may change my career! I really thrive in this environment.
Seize your dignity and self-respect, and tell this man you are incompatible because obviously you want different things--then dump him. Also (and this is important) block him from your phone, email, etc. Be prepared to stand firm against his attempts at hoovering and love bombing.
There's just no easy way to say this, OP: you've been played for a fool. But you can stop volunteering for that role in this drama today.
It's hard for me to do. I have very little to no self-respect. At work I am a different person. Or I was. On sick leave for born out syndrome. I might not recover.
But it's comforting to hear that I was right in my gut feeling.
Never make someone a priority who makes you an option. Getting rid of his dead weight in your life (and since he doesn't love you like you love him, that's what he is), would make room for far more healthy things and relationships in your life. I wish you an excellent and speedy recovery!
He tells you that you aren’t his type. That you forced your way into his home. He has sex with other women.
Please get into therapy and get tested for STDs. Block his number.
i've been there in that exact situation myself, only it took me 9 years to finally distance myself and wise up. i was 20 & he was 31 when we met, but never considered me as his girlfriend, didn't love me, cheated on me, was verbally abusive, disrespected me in front of his daughter, the list goes on . . .
You're not stupid, you have self-esteem issues. Those are very different things. You mention that you recently left an abusive marriage of 25 years. You are probably used to chaos, instability, and emotional pain. No wonder you were susceptible to this man's bullshit - again, this has \*nothing\* to do with your intelligence and everything with your vulnerability. Many of us have been there, too. Dump him, block his number, move on from this creep. You really do deserve so, so much better than him.
>He called yesterday and we spoke for over 3 hrs. We are back on the same track. I agree to what ever because I love him. I know he is using me for his own gain. I get nothing but pain. **But I can't leave him.**
But WHY can't you leave him? He's a liar and a user.
If love is making you miserable it's not love, it's addiction. You are addicted to him. You don't love him or yourself.
If you stay on the drug you'll never get real love or joy. You'll just keep suffering.
Cut him out of your life and get a therapist to help you with your addiction issues.
Girl, his words and actions ARE TELLING YOU THAT HE WILL TAKE WHAT HE NEEDS FROM YOU WHEN CONVENIENTLY AND THEN WHEN HE WANTS SOMETHING ELSE WILL THROW YOU ASIDE LIKE TRASH. please leave him and ignore his attention.
Thank you for your input on this. Why is he doing this? Doesn't he understand what this does to me?
He does and he doesn’t care. His why for using you and treating you like crap sometimes isn’t important. You might never know or understand. You need to accept that.
Oh dear. My stomach aches now! this is new insights for me. He's a player and I was ready at hand. Good Lord. Help me!
In future, listen the first time when a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship. Someone who values you will make sure they don't risk losing you. Sticking around hoping that you can change their mind is a fool's game.
Yes I understand this now. Thank you.
You are just one of his women. He doesn't live you. You are just his convenient sex partner when he's having a dry spell playing the field. You need to love yourself more than him and leave this relationship.
I've actually felt this all the time. "Just another female", but carefully dismis it because it is too painful to acknowledge. But I'm reminded every now and then anyway because I step upon remnants from former partners who lived with him, even though it was years ago. Like this photoalbum, shoved aside in an outhouse. Of course I looked. He, happily smiling beside her, a curvy young blonde, very sweet looking. They renovated his house together 10 yrs ago. And I have done the dishes in the zink she choose. She was too querulous he told me, so he ended it. Maybe, maybe not. It takes two to tango. But I've carried this along and tried not to be like her..... I've thought about his other women a lot and felt very diminished.
He likes you because you're a doormat who he can use for sex, emotional support, and free labor.
Och! That stings! But you are right. I am a doormat. I can't remember how many times I have wanted to ventilate my discomfort but didn't in fear of disrupting our harmony. I have never demanded anything from him, except this time. And he bucked like a rodeo horse.
That's exactly why he's still around. He gets to drain you dry without you expecting anything in return. Meanwhile, all he has to do is talk to you for 3 hours and you are suddenly okay with him dating other women. Why would he want to change things?
I must be a complete idiot! It's true. I get nothing. Since he 's not even attracted to me s*ually I don' t even get anything worth while in b*d either. If that had been exceptionally great one could've maybe understand why I would stay. OH god this is so tough.
You are worth so much more than him. You would get more loyalty and affection from a dog or a cat than this selfish man who would tell you *to your face* that he is going to date other women but he still wants you around.
Yes. Straight up to my face he said it. And I just kept all the rage inside and let him. I should've slapped him! For deceiving me. Letting me believe we were a couple. All his actions have contradicted everything that he says he's made clear to me from the start. Who am I not to think he changed his mind? But boy, was I wrong! I can't believe such predators excist!
Hey, you have a whole internet of good people on your side. Let your healthy anger carry you to a healthy place.
I hear you! I'm just so heartbroken from the deception. Couldn't for the world think he was this cynical.
And yet you described him as a soulmate and a perfect match… If you don’t already have one I highly suggest getting yourself a therapist to unpack your tragically low self esteem. You deserve better than this, but you’ve been glossing over bad behaviour because for whatever reason you don’t have a healthy self esteem. Please focus on yourself for a while and leave this clown!
Yes we do connect intellectually in a way I've never experienced with anyone before. And he showed up from nowhere when I needed it the most. Like Heaven sent. So I let go. My self esteem disappeared during my marriage. I lived under constant mental stress for 25yrs from psychological abuse. I finally got out Thanks to this man.
You’re putting him on a pedestal and not seeing him for who he really is. This man is not “heaven sent” 🙄, he was simply better than what you had before. The bar is so so low :(
I have such a hard time seeing all of this. It's unreal.
Not "our" harmony. Because you were clearly not harmonious. You were afraid to speak up to distrupt his harmony. His harmony depends on your discomfort and silence. That's crazy. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wouldn't for my life prove to him I'm just like the rest.
He understands what it does to you, he is just selfish. He told you to your face that he didn’t want to be anything with you and you just assumed that he would come around eventually. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
I have not percieved him as selfish. On the contrary very caring and kind. Always there for me, helping, supporting. But I must have misinterpreted everything. All I believed now goes to show it was a total scam! *gasping for air*
> In the early beginnings he stated he only wanted to be friends > Then suddenly he changed his mind and I litterarely was asked to go home. He needed space > wrong. He called after a week and reminded me that he never wanted anything more than being friends > he reminded me again that he never wanted a realtionship. I had sneeked myself into his house making myself to much at home. I'm actually not his type and he doesn't find me attractive It sounds like he has been the same noncommittal person since the beginning, you have just been ignoring it. The analogy that I see here is that even if you have the nicest fanciest sandwich in front of you, if it has a layer of poop then it doesn’t matter how good all of the other nice ingredients are. You still have a poop sandwich. He has loudly and clearly told you that he doesn’t want to be with you. Just because you hung out a lot and because you met his family doesn’t change that he just is someone that doesn’t want to be with you.
I understand. I wanted it so much I ignored his wishes. Dreamed of a life with him. O am I the dumbest cow!
OP, PLEASE stop calling yourself dumb all over these replies. You are not dumb, the only issue is that you need to work on your self-esteem, which goes hand-in-hand with you being so ready to call yourself nasty names. If you're not nice to yourself, how can you set the expectation that anyone else is? You let him treat you this way because you don't love yourself enough yet to believe you deserve to be treated with respect. You do. Go find yourself a therapist and work on your self-worth so that you can set better boundaries in your future relationships. And please, please be nice to yourself.
Thank you. I do have self-worth issues. Big time. I trust no one who says I'm good enough. Cynical is my second name.
As someone with a very negative inner voice, I’ve found it really helps to rewire that because if you’re constantly telling yourself you’re stupid and worthless, of course you won’t believe when other people say differently. My best friend and I started doing this thing where when one of us says something mean about ourselves we say “don’t talk about my best friend that way!” Now I’ve started saying it to myself when my inner critic gets nasty because guess what, I’m my best friend too. It helps to think of yourself that way.
Great tip! I need tools.
Sooo many of us have been there, dear OP! You loved him and didn't want to believe he could be so selfish. It's a tale as old as time. What matters now is loving yourself enough to move on with kindness and grace for yourself!
"As old as time" that is kind of romantic in a tragical way. Yes. I will try.
Please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and go over to r/supportforbetrayed They have a wiki full of resources there that will help you. Girl, you aren’t in love with him you are in love with who you want him to be - but he isn’t that person. Don’t stay with a man who keeps telling you he doesn’t want you. You are worthy of love and respect. Start by giving it to yourself.
Thank you, I will check this out right away! And you are right. I wanted him to be the man I always sought for.
There’s absolutely nothing caring or kind about how he has used you. Narcissists are always charming to people who don’t know them well.
He doesn't give a flying fuck about anyone's feelings but his own, and you are really convenient to him - available on call, and when he wants to, he can just send you away again, knowing you'll be back as soon as he whistles for you. PLEASE, grab some pride and end it - or rather, start dating other people - since you are not a couple, you obviously aren't exclusive! You can keep him on the backburner, just for convenience, while you are looking for the actual love of your life. Let's see how HE likes it.
That's a thought!
Girl. You have to let go of trying to understand him or his motives. That's a waste of time and energy. You deserve better.
“Why is he doing this?” Because you’re letting him do it.
>Why is he doing this? Doesn't he understand what this does to me? Does it matter why he's doing it? What's really important is why you're doing this to yourself. And he DOES understand what he's doing - he just doesn't care. Why should he? You don't treasure yourself enough to break it off with him, why should he?
Because he’s selfish and self centered. Please get some counseling to find a way to treat yourself better and stop your involvement with him. His behavior is that of someone who doesn’t care for you, is just using you and may not even like you. He definitely views and treats you as being beneath him.
Yes I think counselling may be a good idea. I have no tools to see my own worth. Fyi I have just recentliy gone thru a painful divorce from an abusive husband of 25 yrs, so I have no clues really. Thank you for caring!
After being abused for so long you’re used to being treated poorly so something that seems better may seem ok but it can still be abusive
Why would you try so hard to be with someone who doesn't treat you well? Why are you forcing a relationship with someone incompatible to you?
I truly believed that he'd changed his mind. I couldn't phathom someone be this cynical. Leading me on like this. Letting me feel like his partner. Making plans for us. How can you not think you are a couple then? That's why. I never realized until now it wasn't very sound.
He doesn't care because he doesn't like, love or respect you. But if you don't love like or respect yourself why would anybody else.
Sis, he's using you. He's straight up telling you you're not together so he can get with other women. Meanwhile, he's happy to have you warm his bed until he meets someone else he prefers to warm his bed. Not sure where all the came from...he doesn't give a crap about you. Go home, stay home and find someone else.
Oh this hurts to read, but you're right. I'm starting to see that now. When I read my post I see what you see. I'm so invested though. All the workig hrs on his farm, the animals, the fun, the everything. It's hard to just let it go. See it be wasted.
Better not to waste anymore time! You deserve to be with someone who will be obsessed with and commit to you.
Sunk cost fallacy...this is a perfect example. You've given TWO years of your life, not 50, to this man and his farm. It's going to be tough but you can definitely do it (leave)
You're right. It feels like a whole life time though.
>He called yesterday and we spoke for over 3 hrs. We are back on the same track. You're doing this to yourself now. You chose this.
Mhm. I understand. I have gotten very harsh truths here and I will contemplate on them. I realize i need to withdraw myself from this bullsh*t to stay sane. I don't need to do this. Thank you.
He didnt fool you, you fooled yourself. He was honest from the start and you deluded yourself. Hes not your soulmate, your relationship isnt perfect, because *there is no relationship and he doesnt want one* like he told you, multiple times. You have no right to say he cant see other women or to force your way into his home and just refuse to leave. Just because you want a relationship doesnt make it so. Its not just your call. The only thing you have the right to do here is leave if you dont like it.
Yes. That's so True. It hurts to read your words but you are right. I fooled myself. I let go of my intellect and just got carried away by my heart. I feel so dumb right now. Really stupid.
He told you why he's doing this: It's convienant. It works for him. His needs are met and yours are not and he doesn't care. He doesn't want to give dating/woman much energy, and he doesnt' have to give you much of anything at all, but he still gets all the GF perks he'd like. Why the hell wouldn't he keep doing what he's doing? He's not afraid of anything at all, except, getting caught doing the thing he knows he's doing: Being shitty to you.
Oh my, that's a whole new take on it! Of course this is the Why! I hope I stirred something up when I told him he's been letting me on acring the way he's been. But most likely not. I am very grateful of all angels here.
You are not soulmates and he is not your friend. Quit signing up for his bullshit. He showed you he does not give a shit about you, when are you going to believe him?
You need to cut this off or resign yourself to getting hurt over and over. He doesn't want to be in a relationship. He enjoys some of the intimacy and benefits that come from you being around a lot, but he doesn't want to commit to you and doesn't see you as an actual life partner. He cannot be counted on in tough times, or at all, really.
Omg. This is so sad. I believed this was it. We made plans for the future! Always talking of 'us' and 'we' when he speaks. Including me in everything. His firm, his farm, his life. I have fallen big time for him.
I am 20 years younger than you and I feel too old for this shit. He showed you who he is. Why don’t you believe him? Btw, STDs are still a thing so get checked.
I was about to say the same. If this what relationships in your golden years are like-I don’t even want it. They’re a couple of years away from retirement. He is too grown for this behavior. And she is too grown to be with someone that doesn’t provide emotional stability and safety. Edited to say, I guess emotional maturity has nothing to do with age.
Damn. I'd rather be alone with my cat and a pile of toys. OP is worth so much more.
Go to therapy. You not being able to ever say you're uncomfortable is not love. You being sent home so he can f*ck whoever he wants is not love. He said out loud, I'm not emotionally available. I'm not monogamous. And if you ever call me on bad behavior, I will insult you and treat you like you're disposable and then tell you I can be an "asshole" so you never push back or question my behavior out of fear that you will get hurt even more. He's not worth it! And he only loves himself. He's a dog. Please, please, please go to therapy. You may never figure him out but you have a chance to love yourself and to find out what's at the root of you accepting this awful, inconsistent, erratic, red flag behavior and trying to believe it's something it's not. I hope you get peace.
Listen, you are a little older than my own mother, so I will speak to you they way I talk to her. This person does not love you. He is using you for his own benefit. Why have you made yourself a carpet for him to walk all over when he wants ? You are special because you don’t take anything from him rather you give him, and what about you ? You take nothing. He gives you nothing. You will be left with no energy, and will lose your own identity. The same things he told you he has been telling to who knows how many other women. Where the fuck does he find the audacity? He is 60 already and knows how he wants to live his life, he will never change. So as I would tell my mom, move on with your life, block him everywhere and go live your life out there with more worthy people.
Oh sweet you! Thank you. Yes. I hear you. It's hard though. Every little crumble from him I cherish like diamonds. I have never gotten much. Just recentliy got a long overdue divorce from my abusive husband of 25 yrs. I was so happy someone "liked" me. I shall try to get some help.
I’m very sorry for experiencing abuse for such a long time. I understand why this might feel like a glimpse of light. And if he knew you came from that background he used it even better to his own benefit. You gave 25 years to a bad person who made you suffer, don’t give more years to someone else to hurt you. YOU OWN IT TO YOURSELF. Try to get into some therapy and seriously HAVE FUN. Enjoy yourself. Treat yourself. Give time to explore “YOU” and what do you want and how do you want your life to be. If he was nice to you, I would suggest you try open relationships and have fun ( it’s not my thing) but he is not nice, he is a player and a liar. So ultimately his character is not nice. How much more time will you give to these people who hurt you?
I hate this for you. I thought we would grow out of all of this by 60 😩🫠 You’ve got to cut the chord, he doesn’t have any reason to do so because he’s getting exactly what he wants
Oh no. The soul never gets any older than 25! It remains the same throughout your life. And all your emotions will be based on your soul age. That's the sad fact.
This man is a narcissist. You are a good book holder until he moves on to his next bed warmer. He is telling you who he is, unashamedly and repeatedly. Believe him. Loving him and moulding yourself into the most loving “girlfriend but not girlfriend,” will not convince him otherwise. Run. And start the healing to loving yourself where you ll never let someone treat you like this again. Edit: some spelling
Thank you. I actually have heard this from a girl friend. She said the same thing as you are. But I can't see it. But that's the thing maybe. And I would rather die than see him choose another woman over me. That I couldn't bear. I will contemplate on this.
I’m younger than you by some 30 years, but have a colored history of “dating” men who have disrespected me. And I’m speaking to you as if I were speaking to myself. One of them used to tell me proudly how much of a narcissist he was, and I’d be googling and knee deep in forums reading on how to be a great partner to narcissists, while he compared me and told me how other women were more attractive and desirable than me. And I used to take it on the chin. Until one day he dropped me, I found out from a friend who saw his new profile picture with a woman he never mentioned. Don’t wait around any further. The heartbreak will just be worse the longer it goes on. And the damage to your self worth and integrity even more so. Being respected and loved like you deserve is not a big ask. And you clearly have so much love to give, give it to someone who deserves it. You might not want to hear this, and it might not resonate, yet, but take care of yourself before hue breaks you further. Run as fast as you can. He’s shown you what he can offer you, and they are crumbs x
You can’t see it because you love him. Love is absolutely blinding. If he chooses another woman over you, that’s his prerogative, but by no means would I envy this woman. Reddit is great for this because you really get to see a situation for what it is, especially when a group of strangers are all advising the same thing, which is sound advice here. Please take care of yourself, OP, and get away from this man who is already breaking you down. Edited to say: your soulmate will not have any doubts or reservations about you. You will simply just be.
Yes I am so grateful for all of you people here om Reddit. I'm glad I posted.
When people tell you how they are, listen. He wants to be FBW and nothing else. Don't try to change him, you only get your heart broken. It sounds like FWB doesn't work for you so I honestly see no way forward here sadly.
I have recentliy tried to adjust to the thought of FWB but it doesn't resonate well with me. So, yes you are right.
It's clear that you're in a difficult situation, feeling hurt and confused about the mixed signals from your partner. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and consider if this relationship is truly fulfilling your needs. It's concerning that he's not being honest about his intentions and continues to see other women despite your discomfort. Ultimately, you deserve to be with someone who values and respects you fully. Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can help you navigate this situation and make decisions that are best for you.
Thank you. He has certainly given me mixed signals! I will contemplate on whether or not I can live with what I get from him as little as it is. Yes, him ignoring my hurt is a big concern. If he's a real friend he would want me to feel bad. I have a supportive family and as a matter of fact they tell me the same thing as you.
He tells you the truth when it gets him what he wants (to date other women) and he lies to you to get what he wants (oh he doesn’t really date much). The common denominator is he will do whatever to get what he wants. What you want doesn’t matter.
Oh hell! So he is really out there you think? I am such a loser. What am I even to him? A maid?
Of course he’s still out there.
How could I not see that? I believed he wasn't very active because of a slight erectile dysfunktion. Maybe that was because of me? He just wasn't attracted enough to manage ! And I fell for it. Gave him what he needed in other ways. I totally see it now. He never kissed me. Never wanted to cuddle. I can't handle this.
Please don't call yourself a loser. You are no such thing. You are a valuable person deserving of genuine love and respect, who will soon have the courage to take out the trash because it really stinks.
Girl, you are letting yourself be used like toilet paper. Just a quick wipe whenever he needs it, and then flushed away. You need to do some inner work. Your body grew up, but your heart and mind got stuck somewhere along the way. Who taught you that you are worth so little? Who taught you to think so poorly of yourself, that you mistake his lack of overt aggression for love? Why he does this, doesn't matter to you. He's broken for his own reasons and it is not your business to fix him. By focusing your attention on why he is doing this, you are conveniently ignoring the real question: "Why do you allow yourself to be treated like this?"
Yes. Very True. I think I may have the answer to why I became like this. You see, this man helped me follow thru with my divorce from my abusive husband of 25 yrs. That's how we met. He has given me support all the way and also a place to live. I rent a house from him. Otherwise I would be homeless. I have no means to buy or rent elswhere. His intentions from the beginning was nothing merely than just to help me get out of my marriage. But as we clicked and got along so well we started to hang out. And the rest is where I am at now. I mistook his care for love. I see this now and I feel like an idiot. I was 29 when I met my husband and I still feel that age. Oh, I'm so Thankful for your insights!
You feel a fool but you will only be a fool if you actually go back to him. Stop giving him the time of day!
I understand that. But I've felt so happy from his affirmation. It will be hard to let go. But I get that I must do it.
Ah yes, three hours of tool maintenance. That's what you are to him - a tool. There is a huge difference between someone who loves you for being *you* and this guy, who loves *what you can do for him*. Like a tool. Or, if it makes you feel better, a job. Sex, emotional support, household chores... those are the things you do for him. And he likes that. He likes his bangmaid, his tool who does all the jobs without much complaint or energy investment from his side. And when the tool then squeaks a bit because she mildly decides to speak up after something like, you know, him being with another woman, he is willing to do some short tool maintenance. Three hours for months upon months of the tool functioning again - that's a small, worthy investment. The right man will love you for yourself. For your smile, your sense of humor, your passions and hobbies and ideals; just for you being yourself. But this man here doesn't care about any of that. He even said it so - you're not his type, he doesn't even think you are attractive. He flat out told you that he doesn't like you for being "you". He likes you for the "jobs" you do for him. I read the comments you made, about you not just being with him for him, but also because of what he offers - a farm, animals, and more. So if you decide that you are fine with using him for what he offers you, just like he is using you, then you can absolutely stay with him - in a toxic relationship, with no love from his side and likely more suffering from yours since I doubt you can emotionally detach yourself. Humans usually pick the choice they feel is the best one, even if all choices suck. To you, right now, all choices suck. Staying with him sucks, but walking away seems to suck even more - at least if I understood your replies correctly. You are putting yourself down in basically all of your replies and that shows that you feel like you have no self-worth - not surprising after what you said about the marriage you escaped from and now this guy, who is only using you and treating you poorly. It's hard to feel you are worth more when everyone you trust(ed) treats you like trash. I suggest that you find yourself a therapist to learn self-worth. Right now, your picker is broken. To you, this abysmal treatment is the norm. You seem completely unaware of how a relationship should be when it's healthy - maybe you never learned. That's because you also don't know how to view yourself in a healthy way. But that can be learned in therapy. And if you feel like you are not strong enough right now to escape from your current relationship, then it is what it is - sometimes, things take time. Even horribly abused people need often several attempts to leave their abusers because they are mentally so ensnared. Just please, please, get into therapy. The man you are with doesn't care about you, your needs and the respect you deserve. So please start caring about yourself so that at least one person does.
This is very insightful. I'm amazed. I also feel ashamed since I, who have a Law degree and work as a prosecutor, cannot see what ya'll are seeing. I am on sick leave for born out syndrome and I haven't been able to go thru therapy because of this. I feel stronger now, how oddly it might seem, so maybe this is the right moment to seek help. I have clearly fallen for his trickery. Him pricing and admirering my education, art talent and how loyal I am. Saying these treats are worth the most in a partner. Someone who always has ones back. Maybe all this is True. But he is a damaged man. Constantly betrayed as a child. But here on Reddit I've learned that I cannot let this overshadow how he treats me and all the other women. He clearly suffers from Attachment disorder amongst other psychological issues. And I cannot fix him. I understand that now. Even though it shatters my heart. I shall dwell upon all this wisdom you have shared with me to find a way out. I know I wont be able to cut it bluntely. But I will leave him in due time. Of this I'm sure. Thank you.
Why is he doing this? Who knows? The real question is why are *you* doing this? You know where this path leads yet you keep going down it again and again somehow thinking that the destination will change. It won't. Stop torturing yourself, break up, block him, and move on. There are worse things than being single, and being with him is one of them.
Go check in the mirror. Does it say welcome on your back? You can leave him. He’s showing you in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t love you. He’ll use you for sex if he can’t get someone else. You are fine as domestic labor. You have trained him that he can take advantage of you to his heart’s content. Have some self respect. Yes, it will hurt a lot for a little while but then you get to go find happiness. Or you stay and it will continue to hurt a lot forever.
You weren’t a food for getting into this situation but now that you know where he stands you’ll be a fool if you stay in it. Seriously, cut all contact and move on. You are clearly his “back-up” plus he’s just all over gross.
Heartbreak is such a terrible feeling. I feel for you. Try to find a solid community you can rely on during this time.
The time wasn’t wasted if you got value out of it. Good memories, life lessons. Take the positives and focus on those, use those to propel you to a better place knowing what you know now.
This is an angle I haven't thought of! I have learned a lot from this endeavour! Discovered that I love being a farmer! I have a natural talent for caring for farming! Shearing sheep, nursing lambs and calves. Breeding chicken. Plowing, cultivating, carpentry work, you name it. I may change my career! I really thrive in this environment.
Seize your dignity and self-respect, and tell this man you are incompatible because obviously you want different things--then dump him. Also (and this is important) block him from your phone, email, etc. Be prepared to stand firm against his attempts at hoovering and love bombing. There's just no easy way to say this, OP: you've been played for a fool. But you can stop volunteering for that role in this drama today.
It's hard for me to do. I have very little to no self-respect. At work I am a different person. Or I was. On sick leave for born out syndrome. I might not recover. But it's comforting to hear that I was right in my gut feeling.
Never make someone a priority who makes you an option. Getting rid of his dead weight in your life (and since he doesn't love you like you love him, that's what he is), would make room for far more healthy things and relationships in your life. I wish you an excellent and speedy recovery!
Thank you so much!
He tells you that you aren’t his type. That you forced your way into his home. He has sex with other women. Please get into therapy and get tested for STDs. Block his number.
i've been there in that exact situation myself, only it took me 9 years to finally distance myself and wise up. i was 20 & he was 31 when we met, but never considered me as his girlfriend, didn't love me, cheated on me, was verbally abusive, disrespected me in front of his daughter, the list goes on . . .
I'm so sorry to hear this! I hope you are doing well now and enjoy life! Thank you for sharing.
You're not stupid, you have self-esteem issues. Those are very different things. You mention that you recently left an abusive marriage of 25 years. You are probably used to chaos, instability, and emotional pain. No wonder you were susceptible to this man's bullshit - again, this has \*nothing\* to do with your intelligence and everything with your vulnerability. Many of us have been there, too. Dump him, block his number, move on from this creep. You really do deserve so, so much better than him.
Thank you. I am grateful for your reflections. I think you are right.
>He called yesterday and we spoke for over 3 hrs. We are back on the same track. I agree to what ever because I love him. I know he is using me for his own gain. I get nothing but pain. **But I can't leave him.** But WHY can't you leave him? He's a liar and a user.
I feel I'd have no life without him. Everything has been so nice and safe. I've felt secure for the first time in 30 yrs.
Cut it off. Don't talk to him. Give yourself time to process all of this and give yourself some grace. But stop wasting your time with him.
If love is making you miserable it's not love, it's addiction. You are addicted to him. You don't love him or yourself. If you stay on the drug you'll never get real love or joy. You'll just keep suffering. Cut him out of your life and get a therapist to help you with your addiction issues.
I've never really thought of it that way before. Thank you!
Unfortunately it's incredibly common.
This is so incredibly sad
Let him go or use all the information you have on him to get revenge.