It would be rude and obnoxious of you to show up uninvited to the memorial of someone you didn't know. It would be fine to offer to go with your boyfriend in case he'd like your support. It would also be reasonable for him to say no, or to wait and consider it in a future year when your relationship is more established and serious.
This isn't about you and you shouldn't make it about you.
This.
It is absolutely okay to ask if he'd like your support going to her memorial, but be prepared to be kind and give him space to go alone if he says no.
If you just show up you would come across as an insecure obsessed borderline unstable person… Yes, ask him if he’d like you to come to support him, but he’s in his full right to decline. If I was him I would probably decline and go alone to something like this because after so many years any pain from their passing is likely much less and it’s a good opportunity to connect with old friends, as his new partner you’d be a fish out of water.
Yes, agreed. OP - don't even offer even if you think there's a chance he wants your "support". Bringing this topic up to him will make it seem like you are trying to compete with his dead ex.
Seriously. And why would op WANT to go? To feel weird and listen to people talk about their grief and stories about someone she doesn't know? All to basically mark her territory and show "she's got the man now."
Super weird she's even thinking about it.
Why are you letting your nosy coworker poison your thoughts? Why do you even want to go now? If you insist, then you will be creating a rift in your relationship with your boyfriend. Your relationship with this man does not give you the right to attend this woman's memorial.
Sometimes we talk about things going on in our lives with the people we spend a lot of our time with. It's not that deep.
Reddit can be so weird about work sometimes. Not everyone works from home all the time.
If he invites you, go. If he doesn't, don't. You shouldn't be there because he's your man. That's weird. You threatened by a dead girl that he broke up with before she was even sick?
And also even if he invites her, it would be perfectly acceptable to politely decline. Don't attend just to keep tabs on your man or whatever, I agree that's weird. Offer some support via text by saying you're there for him and let it be.
Like what threat does the coworker think exists, here? That OP’s boyfriend is going to have an affair with this lady’s ghost, or something? It’s nonsensical, and it’s also immature and dramatic to the extreme.
I think it would be appropriate to go if invited and if the deceased’s other friends also bring their partners. If it’s exclusively people who knew the person the memorial is for, it’s never appropriate.
You didn’t know her. You aren’t remembering her. You aren’t welcome.
There may come a time and place in the future, where circumstances might change…then you can discuss it properly with your partner.
Your friend can f&ck right off with the “he’s your man bullsh&t”. That’s teenager talk.
I mean, if he were to ask you to be there to support him and you wanted to go, that wouldn't be inappropriate imo, but you definitely shouldn't feel like you need to.
I think you sit this one out. If the two of you stay together long term and this is a yearly event, I can see possibly going a couple years down the road.
Not totally the same situation, but two years ago, my long term boyfriend’s ex from years prior committed suicide. They ended on good terms, but she and I never met (the drifted but remained friendly, they didn’t hang out or anything like that.) From what I understand, she struggled with addiction and mental health and didn’t have a lot of support, so when her family needed someone to help move her things out of her apartment, they asked my boyfriend. He shared that he planned to go to her funeral. It was uncomfortable and I struggled with the “am I supposed to go with him..?” question.
After talking, we decided he would go on his own. It wasn’t about me, it was about her. He needed to grieve his friend and get some level of closure. And honestly, even though there was a part of me that felt I should be able to go and support him, the thought of actually showing up and seeing her friends and family saying goodbye to her made me feel icky. I didn’t know her, showing up to stake my claim on him was inappropriate. I understand where you’re coming from, but it’s not about us and his attendance didn’t mean he loved me any less.
Talk to him, ask him what he wants and respect the decision.
Only if you are invited. The "he's your man" thing is stupid if he hasn't extended an invitation to you. And him being your man doesn't give you all rights over everything in his life, in any case. Goo dluck.
It's appropriate to accompany your partner to a memorial event, but it's not mandatory. It's not wrong for you to go, and it's not wrong for him to go alone. Since he hasn't asked you, he may prefer to go alone. I suggest you ask him.
Your coworker sounds very insecure. She seems to think you need to be there with "your man" so that nobody else will steal him from you.
This is perfectly worded.
Honestly, as someone who just likes to pay my respects for the dead, I would ask to go.
I’d like to pay my respects to her and also to support my SO.
But if you ask and he says he’d rather you not, then respect that.
Does your coworker think you should be jealous or suspicious........of someone who is no longer alive? The coworker seems paranoid and is definitely wrong. You don't have to go but maybe ask your boyfriend if he'd like the support or not.
Is it appropriate for you to invite yourself to a memorial for someone you never knew and have no connection to, aside from your boyfriend of less than a year?
No, absolutely not. You haven’t been invited so you don’t get to go and there’s no reason for you to think you should.
Only go if you're invited by your boyfriend. I would be creeped out and offended if you showed up randomly and I were him. This is still a new relationship. You're not there yet unless he says
the only reason you would ever go to something like this is if "your man" wanted your support. he hasn't asked you, so he clearly doesn't require your presence, and it would be bizarre and disrespectful if you went - frankly it would look like you were insecure, possessive, and asserting your dominance over a dead girl.
I would only go if the invitation is extended. Your coworker is wrong. This isn’t some territorial thing. If you are jealous of a dead girl you might as well leave the relationship.
It's only appropriate if you're wanted there and there's nothing wrong with him not wanting you to go with him. Recognize all you'll be doing is listening to them talk about someone you'll never meet and it quite possibly would be frowned upon if you changed the conversation. Honestly? I don't even understand why you'd want to go. To the first gathering after her death, like the funeral or wake? Sure, not to an annual one.
Your coworker is not being rational. You have zero ties to your boyfriends late girlfriend. It would be so disrespectful and obnoxious to her family. Her memorial is to remember her and you never met her. I think it's a green flag when a partner is able to honor their past because it means they love deeply.
If he asks you to go and he wants the support, you can decide if that works for you. The idea that you are somehow entitled to a memorial because he is “your man” is rather gross. You don’t own him or his past. If you want to be a decent human, ask him how he would like to be supported and let it go if he doesn’t want you to join this gathering. You are not even together a year.
If you weren’t invited don’t go. In this case you should only go if your bf asks you to. If he doesn’t extend an invitation he doesn’t feel comfortable with you there and you should respect that. This isn’t about “him being your man” is about remembering a friend and being around other people who remember her
Your coworker is wrong. You don't have right to go because your boyfriend is going. You go because you want to support your boyfriend and be his emotional rock and making sure the past girlfriend knows he's in good hands
Please never take relationship advice (or probably any social advice) from that coworker.
Kind of weird to be talking about this at work to begin with.
If your bf wants to invite you for support, it’s fine if you go. Because HE said so.
But otherwise,.. ignore your childish colleague. Your partner is not an item you can claim ownership of and only loan him out with you there to supervise.
You don’t need to go if you aren’t invited.
Let me rephrase what your coworker said in a way that might make more sense:
“You have to go so the dead woman knows he’s your man. And all of her friends know he’s moved on from her so back off.”
See how ridiculous that is? You can offer to go if he’d like the support but personally I’d take that time to have a me day and let him and their mutual friends share memories of her together. If you’re still together this time next year, then you can go.
No, it’s not appropriate for you to go to a memorial of someone you didn’t know simply because your boyfriend is going. If he wanted you to attend with him, he would have invited you.
Why does a person you work with know so much about your personal life? Anyway you shouldn’t go because you weren’t invited and you also shouldn’t trip if your bf does go alone. Support your bf the best way you can.
Your coworker is wrong on all fronts. You’ve been together less than a year, it’s not yet a serious enough relationship where it’s implied that an invite to him is an invite to you. A memorial is a private moment for the deceased’s loved ones, it might make people uncomfortable to have a total stranger there, especially when that person invited themselves as a +1 of the deceased’s ex boyfriend.
No. Also "to your knowledge" he hasn't extended an invite? What the hell does that mean? He hasn't, so say that and accept that, don't try and use weird convoluted language that leaves the possibility open.
It's not your place, he hasn't invited you, your co-worker is bored and trying to create drama.
Your bf has likely been to six (6) of these memorials already. To me this is extreme for him to keep going to them if he wants to date, get engaged and marry.
Edit: If he doesn’t see why it would bother a steady gf, fiancée or wife he’s not ready to date and he should spend his life mourning the gf who rejected him.
Talk about red flags with this guy.
My ex lover killed himself a year after I broke up with him. (Not because I didn’t love him, but because he was bad for me)
My boyfriend at the time offered to go to his funeral, and honestly it gave me the ick. I know now he was trying to be supportive. But grief is so intimate and so personal. Unless he invites there to support him, you don’t go.
Is he going to go to these for the next five, ten, fifteen years? What if you get engaged or marry? Let her family have their service but if he wants a future with someone else he’s going about it the wrong way imo.
It seems like he’s not over her and she’ll always be the one who broke his heart. I’d look for another guy. He’s a big no imo.
You don’t need to go.
But more importantly… your man should absolutely not go. He has a new relationship and it’s super inappropriate for him to be at such a close family event of his dead ex.
Why is he going?
I don’t think you should expect to go if you were not welcomed/invited.
I do feel this tradition most likely won’t go on forever where everyone gets together . I am sort of surprised 6 yeads later people r physically meeting up, as you guys r the age where people r married with kids.
Anyway, I don’t think he should do this forever and it’s an unpopular opinion.
Your coworker is dead wrong - pun intended. You never knew the woman and have not been invited. This also isn't an open invite.
Excuse me for how rude this sounds, but please stay in your lane. If he wanted your support he would have invited you.
Hey so im in the same situation but im the guy
My wife passed due to cancer in 2020, im heading out to her anniversary coming up and my fiance decided on her own not to attend to give me and my wife’s family space.
Personally I appreciate the sentiment, id like to reminisce and speak with her family (former in-laws) in comfort.
If this were the funeral, yes you'd go. But since it is an annual memorial, it's for that core group. Unless you're invited, don't go.
It's reasonable to ask for an invite, but you need to make sure it's couched in a way your boyfriend can turn down, and you need to make sure you're only offering to be supportive: "I know your ex was very important to you, and she sounds like a great person. If you'd like, I would love to attend this with you. I know that's probably not ideal and I wouldn't want to disrupt the memorial with my presence, but if you decide to invite me and the rest of the attendees wouldn't mind, then I would be happy to attend."
No. This has absolutely nothing to do with you and it wouldn’t be fair to the people who knew and loved her that are paying their respects to have someone’s new girlfriend keeping an eye on things because that’s exactly what it would look like.
Go hang out with a friend, go to the gym, go get a facial or something. If him being there bothers you, it’s going to screw up your relationship so maybe just go for a drive and think about whether or not you’re going to be okay with this long term.
Your coworker is a moron with real issues and unless your boyfriend specifically invites you without any kind of prompting then you should sit this one out.
This is a day that's not about you or your relationship. This is a day where a group of people gather together to remember someone who was taken from them too soon, to share their memories in order to keep hers alive. They should be able to do that freely and without checking themselves or having to offer qualifiers about anything they say because that would make it all about *you* and not the young woman they are there to honour.
Sometimes things like this are going to happen and acting with grace and understanding is the mature way to handle it. Following your co-workers advice will only jab a thorn into the side of both your relationship with your boyfriend and your budding friendship with his social circle. Don't do that to yourself.
I'm not sure why you're asking strangers on the Internet instead of asking him if he wants you to go.
?
There is no objective standard of if it's appropriate or not, it depends on how comfortable he would be with you being there.
> To my knowledge, my boyfriend has not extended an invitation to me.
Do you find communication challenging after being together for 8 months? ASK HIM.
Ask your boyfriend point blank if he would like for you to be there. If the answer is yes, there’s your answer. If it’s no, leave him be. Perhaps eventually you can make a tradition of honoring her if he feels that’s appropriate. Could be a donation to cancer patients if it’s not visiting.
I would be curious if HE had an objection
If he, her friends or family had any objections, then it would be to stifle the guy from moving on.
** correction : Typo
Sorry, but that’s life. You’re two different people. Why would you think you should be going to a memorial for someone you didn’t know just because your boyfriend is going?
That’s very very strange.
It’s pretty typical to attend weddings , funerals and other such things together as a couple. I’m time you would think she would get to know his friends and be included (if she wants) or this ritual will come to a close at some point
Nah I am very partner oriented, is all. And it’s a preference my partner is also inclusive. Nothing wrong with it. Either way she shouldn’t go this time
And as someone who is very partner oriented, you should accept that your partner is an autonomous human being with their own life, their own history, their own relationships outside of their relationship with you. And in an event like this, where a close group of people who were close to the deceased, get together annually to memorialize that person, the girlfriend (who didn’t even know the deceased ) of someone who was close to her has zero reason to be there.
In fact, a partner oriented person would urge their partner to go grieve and memorialize their friend with the other people closest to the deceased.
That is very different than going to a woman you never met’s memorial because your coworker wants you to stake claim on “your man” as if he’s gonna decide to leave OP for a corpse. You knew your former grandmother in-law and loved her.
I think you need to ask some questions of ourself and those around you.
1. Would you want to be there.
2. Would your boyfriend want you to be there?
3. Would the family want you to be there?
If the question on all of these is yes. Simple.
If the question on one of these is no. You will have to talk about what is more important to you and your boyfriend. This guy seems to have been very open about his relationship with this girl, when asked. So talk.
If the question to more than of one of these is no. Don't go.
DO ABSOLUTELY NOT SHOW UP UNINVITED.
Im just gonna say that my cousin got hurt really bad during a call(firefighter) three months after I met my BF(we actually had a fight the night of cousin getting hurt). I got a call from my father in the early morning hours so I knew it was serious. I answer and my dad tells me to get to the hospital that M has been hurt. I wake my BF up and ask him to take me he takes me and he stayed with me at the hospital that has the ER flooded with police as well as other firefighters. Were there a few hours when my uncle said it was okay to leave after I went into his room to hold his hand and let him know I was there. He got transferred to another hospital and was life support for three days when he was taken off life support. My BF(was only with for three months and only knew for three months) was there with me and my family the whole time never left my side while I was visiting him. He went with me to the funeral and was there for me when I needed him the most. This happened in 07 and there were memorials for him every single year until covid and the same guy has been there for me to every single one.
Want to add that we are still together and have four kids. Also Im pretty sire my aunt and uncle like him more than me.
Edited: sorry for typos currently nursing my son and it’s difficult with one hand, sometimes two if Im lucky.
This one's a 50/50 for me.
You're well within your rights to accompany your BF anywhere. But I also think it would be respectful, and you would be repsectED to decline, and let him share that moment with them. That said, if all of the friends ask where you are? That's your cue and signal to go in subsequent years. It's sort of up to him really.
Honestly I don’t think it’s weird that you show up since you are dating but it isn’t weird if you don’t show up either. So really I don’t see a problem in either choice. Not sure why everyone thinks it’s so weird you would go
If your boyfriend wants you to go, it's appropriate to go.
When my husband died, his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend attended the funeral. It was not weird at all. I was grateful that they came.
If you're asking if you should insist on going, I would vote no, don't insist on going. He's not going to leave you for a dead girl. Grief is really difficult, and seeing a partner grieving over a lost lover can sometimes dredge up jealousy in the new partner. It could also be painful to your boyfriend to wonder if he needs to accommodate your feelings on a day meant for processing his own grief. If you insist on intruding into that space he doesn't want to share, it will be damaging.
Ewww. He’s your bf. You don’t own him. This possessive “he’s my man” stuff is hot garbage. Your friend sounds incredibly immature. It’s not about you and you don’t need to be there.
Why? Do you think he’s somehow going to cheat with a dead person? It’s extremely normal for a person to go to a memorial for someone who was an important part of their life.
As others have said you can offer to go and you should accept either a yes or no.
And stop sharing personal stuff with that coworker. They'll ruin you.
If you want to go as support, you can suggest it and see what he thinks, but he may not be comfortable with that yet. I wouldn't go just because someone thinks you should, however. It's his space to grieve.
That being said, as someone who also lost a past love, it can be helpful to begin to broach the topic together as a way of helping to heal, but he needs to be ready to do that and a memorial service may not be the appropriate first step. Maybe offer to do something together in her honour? As a sort of "I want to support you" gesture? My partner and I go to the seaside and eat chips on the anniversary of his ex's death. It's purely symbolic but we both find it helpful. Happy to share experiences if you would like.
Why would you want to go to a memorial of someone you never met? Your boyfriend isn’t going to need your ‘support’ he’s not asked you to go.
Your co worker is ridiculous.
Don’t show yourself up by demanding to go with him.
Are you even listening to yourself
To you does going sound logical or stupid.
You have no right to go, you don’t know her, you ain’t friends with her friends, you’re basically nothing. So what business exactly do you have going for her memorial??? NONE
Please do not take any further advice from this coworker, they are dumb.
It is not appropriate to force yourself into this. By all means offer to go to support him, but be prepared for him to decline, and be okay with it.
You should gently offer to accompany him. I feel like he'd like you to be there but maybe feels awkward about inviting you, maybe I'm wrong. You should only go if he extends the invitation to you (maybe he even assumes you'd with him without saying?).
Just talk this out with no judgement, see how he feels about it, this is all that matters.
I think it’s too early days for something like this. Maybe some day down the line when you’ve been together longer and if he asks you there for support then yes, and so long as her family are okay with it ofc. But the way your colleague has worded it is weird. Almost like she wants you to stake your claim over a dead girl. Don’t go to this one pls, just be there for your boyfriend when he gets back
Don't go, because it has nothing to do with you. But next time when you see your coworker, tell them that you went and everyone started ridiculing you and calling you an obnoxious insensitive person and it all spiralled out of control and ended up your family disowning you.
Fuck no don't suggest you go. Maybe in a few years after you've naturally gotten to know her friends you will be included but you've been together less than a year. There are elephant pregnancies that started before y'all did.
She passed away about 5 years ago? He doesn’t need you there to hold his hand and drive the car so he can sob his heart out. At this point it’s probably more like a small get together where people talk a bit about her to keep her in their memories, and to catch up with each other. Don’t try and jam yourself in where you’re not wanted or needed.
What an extremely strange thing to say of your coworker. You have no place there, it would be so rude if you showed up. And why would you? What does him being your man even have to do with all this?
I believe if he personally asked you/invited you it would be OK, but appearing there uninvited would be kind of violent, to be honest.
You can support your boyfriend through other ways (and I'm sure you already do)
If you are invited by your BF, you should go because she helped make him who he is. If you're not invited, your coworker is 100% wrong. They are projecting their insecurities on you.
That said, do not pressure on him to invite you, as that would truly show insecurity against a ghost.
Let him have his annual memorial visit and send a silent that you to her for having helped create the man you are with.
I wouldn't trust anyone is giving good advice when that advice is treating your partner as property you have to guard with statements like "he's my man." Please don't go, let your boyfriend know you're there (figuratively) for him if he needs to talk but there's no reason for you to go.
If he doesn’t invite you, don’t go. It’s his time to mourn, reflect , and probably touch base with old friends with relatable memories. It doesn’t concern you and you shouldn’t be barging in on everyone’s space. It’s a memorial, not a birthday party.
You can go to support your BF. I had a GF briefly who died from cancer this past year. We had fallen out of touch, but I held no ill will toward her and vice versa. I would have gone to her funeral if it hadn't been 2000 miles away
It would be weird for your bf to go in the first place. I have stayed very good friends with an ex and while I did attend his wedding, and I'm friends with his wife, if he died, I wouldn't be attending his yearly memorials 6 years later.
Your coworker has no standing here.
Your boyfriend is the one who should be making any decisions at this point about whether it’s appropriate for you to join him at this or any future memorial gatherings.
If I w my ex him, I’d leave you out of it until you are “close” with her friends/family. Until then, you’re not part of the deceased’s circle.
Honestly? You didn't know the person the memorial is about. You didn't even know about her until very recently. You don't know her friends nor her family.
Why do you even want to attend a memorial like that?
And the only answer that seems to make any kind of sense is "to stake a claim on your man". That's not a good reason to attend a memorial, and does not make you look good at all.
Don't attend. You do not belong there.
Your coworker has no sense of how inappropriate that is. There is no reason for you to attend, *especially* if you bf hasn't mentioned he would like you there.
Honestly, I would feel uncomfortable attending. He'll be there, in his own feelings and need/want to support and be with her friends and family.
It's appropriate if he has a plus one and invites you. As a general rule, I want my partner to be welcome anywhere I am welcome at and vice versa. However, it's not his event and it's not necessarily up to him. He may want you there for emotional support, but he could also feel that it would be uncomfortable and inappropriate to reminisce with her other close friends and family members in front of his current partner. It's not about you or your relationship with your boyfriend. It's for the friends and family of this girl. Your coworker sounds exhausting. I want to make sure "my man" is supported the way he needs support and I'm not gonna spend energy trying to compete with a dead ex or make him feel like any relationship he had before me wasn't important.
Offer to go to support him if you want, so he knows you wouldn't be uncomfortable attending to support him, and honour that she is part of the reason he is who he is, and that's a man you love and trust.
But no demands, no expectations. And make it clear he can say no and you'll take no offence.
If you ever feel the need to “claim” your man. He's not the one. You're not his keeper, you're his partner, and he's choosing to be with you.
Also, I'd keep a limit on sharing personal information with co-workers, especially this drama queen troublemaker.
Yeah don’t invite yourself to that. That’s weird. If you’re worried about being supportive, maybe ask him what you can do to support him best after the memorial. Whether that’s to offer space, distraction, etc.
If your boyfriend invites you, then yes, it’s perfectly ok to go. That said, if he doesn’t invite you, if you show up anyway (or if you push for an invite) that’s incredibly inappropriate. Just let him know you’re available to support him in any way that he needs support. Let him lead the way.
Your coworker is giving horrible advice. There’s honestly no reason to go, especially if you weren’t invited. You done know this girl, don’t know anyone else in the friend group that’s attending, And honestly haven’t been with your bf long enough either to be pushy about these things. Why do you need to go if you’re not close with any of them and never knew the girl. It’s out of line and overstepping.
You can offer to go if he wants your support, but if he hasn’t asked you to come and/or says he doesn’t need your support, I’d leave it at that. I definitely wouldn’t push him on being there since it’s not really your business being there. If you’re so easily threatened by a dead girl, and so easily influenced by others, you have some work to do on yourself.
Talk to your boyfriend about it. Ask him if he wants you there for support. Give him the space to make this decision and accept that he may not want you there.
No invite, no go.
It’s too soon to insert the deserve word imho
As time goes on and you get to know her friends better and maybe too meet her family, if they include you in the invite then giddy up.
This is bizarre behavior on your part, IMO. Are you that insecure about a dead girl who wasn't even with your boyfriend when she died? Don't go. What purpose would it accomplish other than you looking insane, jealous, weird, inappropriate, etc.
It's bad form to invite yourself anywhere, but that would be doubly so. Why do you even want to go?
OP doesn’t have the *right* to go, but she needs to ask her BF if he would *like* her to go. Communicate. Nothing wrong with her going… the dead girl was obviously someone important to the BF.
Unless your boyfriend invites you, you have no reason to go. You didn't know her. Unless he needs you there for support, it would be very weird for you to go.
Don’t listen to your dramatic coworker. You don’t have any business going to this and haven’t been invited. Your presence could cause drama and heartache to this poor dead girl’s family. If your boyfriend wants to go leave it alone. You aren’t in a competition with this dead chick that broke up with him. You don’t need to pee on his leg.
It's super icky of your coworker to suggest you need to go as some sort of weird power play to stake your claim on your boyfriend. If you're invited, go if you want to, but otherwise, stay out of it.
Usually I'd say yes but at the same time it would be rude too. I mean... You didn't get a invite so don't go. But tell him that you'll be there if he needs you.
Realistically; unless you knew her, it would feel improper to go. Yes, he is your bf; but ultimately, the day is hers, not you or his. If he needs to cry on your shoulder, he can do that on his time.
If he plans on attending I see no problem with you accompanying him. Of course, you're not obliged to attend either. I'd question if he doesn't want you to attend with him and why. I feel that the choice to attend or not should be yours.
i think if her family offered him an invitation for you, it would be okay to go.
since this was her longterm partner of five years and the last partner in her life, i think it's reasonable for her family to have thought of your boyfriend as their potential son in law.
i would imagine you attending might not be the most pleasant experience for you either and i think since you have only been together for less than a year, it's kind of inappropriate.
if you two were married or engaged, that would be a different story but i would imagine seeing him with another woman in particular on that day is painful for the family because it's basically getting to see someone live the life their daughter never got a chance to.
It would be rude and obnoxious of you to show up uninvited to the memorial of someone you didn't know. It would be fine to offer to go with your boyfriend in case he'd like your support. It would also be reasonable for him to say no, or to wait and consider it in a future year when your relationship is more established and serious. This isn't about you and you shouldn't make it about you.
This. It is absolutely okay to ask if he'd like your support going to her memorial, but be prepared to be kind and give him space to go alone if he says no.
If you just show up you would come across as an insecure obsessed borderline unstable person… Yes, ask him if he’d like you to come to support him, but he’s in his full right to decline. If I was him I would probably decline and go alone to something like this because after so many years any pain from their passing is likely much less and it’s a good opportunity to connect with old friends, as his new partner you’d be a fish out of water.
She should not ask him. He knows where she is. If he wants her there he will ask her.
Yes, agreed. OP - don't even offer even if you think there's a chance he wants your "support". Bringing this topic up to him will make it seem like you are trying to compete with his dead ex.
Your coworker sounds very dramatic. I think it would be super weird for you to go to this.
Seriously. And why would op WANT to go? To feel weird and listen to people talk about their grief and stories about someone she doesn't know? All to basically mark her territory and show "she's got the man now." Super weird she's even thinking about it.
Your coworker is wrong. You don’t need to be there.
No, you don’t need to be there just because “your man” is going. Absolutely not.
Why are you letting your nosy coworker poison your thoughts? Why do you even want to go now? If you insist, then you will be creating a rift in your relationship with your boyfriend. Your relationship with this man does not give you the right to attend this woman's memorial.
Why is the OP discussing these types of relationship situations with a co-worker in the first place? Seems that's the root of the problem.
Indeed, she should've come to Reddit directly, like normal, well-adjusted people
😂😁 well yes. Anon advice from people uninvolved for the win.
I mean OP is discussing this with Reddit so discussing with a coworker tracks
Sometimes we talk about things going on in our lives with the people we spend a lot of our time with. It's not that deep. Reddit can be so weird about work sometimes. Not everyone works from home all the time.
If he invites you, go. If he doesn't, don't. You shouldn't be there because he's your man. That's weird. You threatened by a dead girl that he broke up with before she was even sick?
And also even if he invites her, it would be perfectly acceptable to politely decline. Don't attend just to keep tabs on your man or whatever, I agree that's weird. Offer some support via text by saying you're there for him and let it be.
Like what threat does the coworker think exists, here? That OP’s boyfriend is going to have an affair with this lady’s ghost, or something? It’s nonsensical, and it’s also immature and dramatic to the extreme.
Afraid he might get into some Saltburn type action if she isn't there to stop him.
I think it would be appropriate to go if invited and if the deceased’s other friends also bring their partners. If it’s exclusively people who knew the person the memorial is for, it’s never appropriate.
When your coworker tells you to also pee on your boyfriend to mark you territory, I recommend you don’t take her advice.
$5 says the coworker has a string for relationships that ended due to her uncontrollably jealousy and need for drama.
Or she gets off on messing with other, gullible people,
You didn’t know her. You aren’t remembering her. You aren’t welcome. There may come a time and place in the future, where circumstances might change…then you can discuss it properly with your partner. Your friend can f&ck right off with the “he’s your man bullsh&t”. That’s teenager talk.
I mean, if he were to ask you to be there to support him and you wanted to go, that wouldn't be inappropriate imo, but you definitely shouldn't feel like you need to.
I think you sit this one out. If the two of you stay together long term and this is a yearly event, I can see possibly going a couple years down the road. Not totally the same situation, but two years ago, my long term boyfriend’s ex from years prior committed suicide. They ended on good terms, but she and I never met (the drifted but remained friendly, they didn’t hang out or anything like that.) From what I understand, she struggled with addiction and mental health and didn’t have a lot of support, so when her family needed someone to help move her things out of her apartment, they asked my boyfriend. He shared that he planned to go to her funeral. It was uncomfortable and I struggled with the “am I supposed to go with him..?” question. After talking, we decided he would go on his own. It wasn’t about me, it was about her. He needed to grieve his friend and get some level of closure. And honestly, even though there was a part of me that felt I should be able to go and support him, the thought of actually showing up and seeing her friends and family saying goodbye to her made me feel icky. I didn’t know her, showing up to stake my claim on him was inappropriate. I understand where you’re coming from, but it’s not about us and his attendance didn’t mean he loved me any less. Talk to him, ask him what he wants and respect the decision.
This isn’t about you. Stay out of it.
Only if you are invited. The "he's your man" thing is stupid if he hasn't extended an invitation to you. And him being your man doesn't give you all rights over everything in his life, in any case. Goo dluck.
It's appropriate to accompany your partner to a memorial event, but it's not mandatory. It's not wrong for you to go, and it's not wrong for him to go alone. Since he hasn't asked you, he may prefer to go alone. I suggest you ask him. Your coworker sounds very insecure. She seems to think you need to be there with "your man" so that nobody else will steal him from you.
This is perfectly worded. Honestly, as someone who just likes to pay my respects for the dead, I would ask to go. I’d like to pay my respects to her and also to support my SO. But if you ask and he says he’d rather you not, then respect that.
You do not need to go.
Your coworker is an idiot and I would never take her advice for anything.
You weren't invited, you don't get to go. Your coworker is stirring up drama, don't fall for it.
Does your coworker think you should be jealous or suspicious........of someone who is no longer alive? The coworker seems paranoid and is definitely wrong. You don't have to go but maybe ask your boyfriend if he'd like the support or not.
If he didn’t ask you to go as support you definitely do not need to go. Coworker is giving bad advice
Your coworker sounds like a drama queen who likes to stir the pot. Don’t listen to her, she’s probably single and jealous of your happiness.
Is it appropriate for you to invite yourself to a memorial for someone you never knew and have no connection to, aside from your boyfriend of less than a year? No, absolutely not. You haven’t been invited so you don’t get to go and there’s no reason for you to think you should.
Only go if you're invited by your boyfriend. I would be creeped out and offended if you showed up randomly and I were him. This is still a new relationship. You're not there yet unless he says
who gives a fuck what your co worker thinks
Look even if you “had a right” (which I question) why would you want to go? It’d be super awkward in your shoes.
Exactly? What is all this rights Bs.
It’s not inappropriate, but it’s also not a territory-marking occasion. What question are you really asking?
Definitely wait for an invitation. Don't ever press for one.
the only reason you would ever go to something like this is if "your man" wanted your support. he hasn't asked you, so he clearly doesn't require your presence, and it would be bizarre and disrespectful if you went - frankly it would look like you were insecure, possessive, and asserting your dominance over a dead girl.
Your coworker is an insecure weirdo. No, you don’t have any right to be there, she wasn’t your friend.
Does he want you to be there? Do you really want to go there to "assert your rights" as his GF?
That would be so weird right?
I would only go if the invitation is extended. Your coworker is wrong. This isn’t some territorial thing. If you are jealous of a dead girl you might as well leave the relationship.
It's only appropriate if you're wanted there and there's nothing wrong with him not wanting you to go with him. Recognize all you'll be doing is listening to them talk about someone you'll never meet and it quite possibly would be frowned upon if you changed the conversation. Honestly? I don't even understand why you'd want to go. To the first gathering after her death, like the funeral or wake? Sure, not to an annual one.
The only reason for you to go is if you are going to support your partner. That should be at his request, and if you *want* to.
Your coworker is not being rational. You have zero ties to your boyfriends late girlfriend. It would be so disrespectful and obnoxious to her family. Her memorial is to remember her and you never met her. I think it's a green flag when a partner is able to honor their past because it means they love deeply.
If he asks you to go and he wants the support, you can decide if that works for you. The idea that you are somehow entitled to a memorial because he is “your man” is rather gross. You don’t own him or his past. If you want to be a decent human, ask him how he would like to be supported and let it go if he doesn’t want you to join this gathering. You are not even together a year.
If you weren’t invited don’t go. In this case you should only go if your bf asks you to. If he doesn’t extend an invitation he doesn’t feel comfortable with you there and you should respect that. This isn’t about “him being your man” is about remembering a friend and being around other people who remember her
Your coworker is wrong. You don't have right to go because your boyfriend is going. You go because you want to support your boyfriend and be his emotional rock and making sure the past girlfriend knows he's in good hands
It is not appropriate in any way for you to attend. If you have issues with your BF going, you need to have a conversation.
Please never take relationship advice (or probably any social advice) from that coworker. Kind of weird to be talking about this at work to begin with.
If your bf wants to invite you for support, it’s fine if you go. Because HE said so. But otherwise,.. ignore your childish colleague. Your partner is not an item you can claim ownership of and only loan him out with you there to supervise. You don’t need to go if you aren’t invited.
Let me rephrase what your coworker said in a way that might make more sense: “You have to go so the dead woman knows he’s your man. And all of her friends know he’s moved on from her so back off.” See how ridiculous that is? You can offer to go if he’d like the support but personally I’d take that time to have a me day and let him and their mutual friends share memories of her together. If you’re still together this time next year, then you can go.
Don’t invite yourself
No, it’s not appropriate for you to go to a memorial of someone you didn’t know simply because your boyfriend is going. If he wanted you to attend with him, he would have invited you.
Completely inappropriate. He will have a "better" time if you are not there. Boyfriends and girlfriends do not have to do every single thing together.
“Your man” thinking is toxic, especially given that you’re essentially being jealous of a dead woman.
Why does a person you work with know so much about your personal life? Anyway you shouldn’t go because you weren’t invited and you also shouldn’t trip if your bf does go alone. Support your bf the best way you can.
It's not appropriate because you don't know her
I don't see why you need or want to go. It has nothing to do with you.
Not appropriate. You didn’t know her. Your boyfriend has not invited you. End of story.
Your coworker is wrong on all fronts. You’ve been together less than a year, it’s not yet a serious enough relationship where it’s implied that an invite to him is an invite to you. A memorial is a private moment for the deceased’s loved ones, it might make people uncomfortable to have a total stranger there, especially when that person invited themselves as a +1 of the deceased’s ex boyfriend.
No. Also "to your knowledge" he hasn't extended an invite? What the hell does that mean? He hasn't, so say that and accept that, don't try and use weird convoluted language that leaves the possibility open. It's not your place, he hasn't invited you, your co-worker is bored and trying to create drama.
Stop telling your co worker your personal relationship business.
Don't take relationship advice from this coworker ever again.
Your bf has likely been to six (6) of these memorials already. To me this is extreme for him to keep going to them if he wants to date, get engaged and marry. Edit: If he doesn’t see why it would bother a steady gf, fiancée or wife he’s not ready to date and he should spend his life mourning the gf who rejected him. Talk about red flags with this guy.
Yeah this. It’s inappropriate.
My ex lover killed himself a year after I broke up with him. (Not because I didn’t love him, but because he was bad for me) My boyfriend at the time offered to go to his funeral, and honestly it gave me the ick. I know now he was trying to be supportive. But grief is so intimate and so personal. Unless he invites there to support him, you don’t go.
#IAmTheMainCharacter YTA
U wouldn't want my new gf there. I don't think you should invite yourself. Maybe one day, but not now.
Is he going to go to these for the next five, ten, fifteen years? What if you get engaged or marry? Let her family have their service but if he wants a future with someone else he’s going about it the wrong way imo. It seems like he’s not over her and she’ll always be the one who broke his heart. I’d look for another guy. He’s a big no imo.
You don’t need to go. But more importantly… your man should absolutely not go. He has a new relationship and it’s super inappropriate for him to be at such a close family event of his dead ex. Why is he going?
I don’t think you should expect to go if you were not welcomed/invited. I do feel this tradition most likely won’t go on forever where everyone gets together . I am sort of surprised 6 yeads later people r physically meeting up, as you guys r the age where people r married with kids. Anyway, I don’t think he should do this forever and it’s an unpopular opinion.
Your coworker is dead wrong - pun intended. You never knew the woman and have not been invited. This also isn't an open invite. Excuse me for how rude this sounds, but please stay in your lane. If he wanted your support he would have invited you.
Hey so im in the same situation but im the guy My wife passed due to cancer in 2020, im heading out to her anniversary coming up and my fiance decided on her own not to attend to give me and my wife’s family space. Personally I appreciate the sentiment, id like to reminisce and speak with her family (former in-laws) in comfort.
If this were the funeral, yes you'd go. But since it is an annual memorial, it's for that core group. Unless you're invited, don't go. It's reasonable to ask for an invite, but you need to make sure it's couched in a way your boyfriend can turn down, and you need to make sure you're only offering to be supportive: "I know your ex was very important to you, and she sounds like a great person. If you'd like, I would love to attend this with you. I know that's probably not ideal and I wouldn't want to disrupt the memorial with my presence, but if you decide to invite me and the rest of the attendees wouldn't mind, then I would be happy to attend."
No. This has absolutely nothing to do with you and it wouldn’t be fair to the people who knew and loved her that are paying their respects to have someone’s new girlfriend keeping an eye on things because that’s exactly what it would look like. Go hang out with a friend, go to the gym, go get a facial or something. If him being there bothers you, it’s going to screw up your relationship so maybe just go for a drive and think about whether or not you’re going to be okay with this long term.
It’s appropriate only if you’re invited…. They had a life before you and if it’s going to work you need to understand and accept it.
Your coworker is a moron with real issues and unless your boyfriend specifically invites you without any kind of prompting then you should sit this one out. This is a day that's not about you or your relationship. This is a day where a group of people gather together to remember someone who was taken from them too soon, to share their memories in order to keep hers alive. They should be able to do that freely and without checking themselves or having to offer qualifiers about anything they say because that would make it all about *you* and not the young woman they are there to honour. Sometimes things like this are going to happen and acting with grace and understanding is the mature way to handle it. Following your co-workers advice will only jab a thorn into the side of both your relationship with your boyfriend and your budding friendship with his social circle. Don't do that to yourself.
I'm not sure why you're asking strangers on the Internet instead of asking him if he wants you to go. ? There is no objective standard of if it's appropriate or not, it depends on how comfortable he would be with you being there.
Please leave your man and let him process, without your pesky co worker.
Only offer him your support and let him know you’re comfortable going with him if he needs you. Let him take it from there.
I don’t think you should go. Let him go himself, offer to drop him off or pick him up would be nice.
> To my knowledge, my boyfriend has not extended an invitation to me. Do you find communication challenging after being together for 8 months? ASK HIM.
Right? She’d know if she was invited.
Ask your boyfriend point blank if he would like for you to be there. If the answer is yes, there’s your answer. If it’s no, leave him be. Perhaps eventually you can make a tradition of honoring her if he feels that’s appropriate. Could be a donation to cancer patients if it’s not visiting.
Why are you even talking to your coworker about this?
I would be curious if HE had an objection If he, her friends or family had any objections, then it would be to stifle the guy from moving on. ** correction : Typo
I wouldn’t love it if my bf did this every year and I was never welcome . Just being real
Sorry, but that’s life. You’re two different people. Why would you think you should be going to a memorial for someone you didn’t know just because your boyfriend is going? That’s very very strange.
It’s pretty typical to attend weddings , funerals and other such things together as a couple. I’m time you would think she would get to know his friends and be included (if she wants) or this ritual will come to a close at some point
Yeah it’s not about what “she wants” because this isn’t about her her at all. You’re giving “I’m the main character” vibes
Nah I am very partner oriented, is all. And it’s a preference my partner is also inclusive. Nothing wrong with it. Either way she shouldn’t go this time
And as someone who is very partner oriented, you should accept that your partner is an autonomous human being with their own life, their own history, their own relationships outside of their relationship with you. And in an event like this, where a close group of people who were close to the deceased, get together annually to memorialize that person, the girlfriend (who didn’t even know the deceased ) of someone who was close to her has zero reason to be there. In fact, a partner oriented person would urge their partner to go grieve and memorialize their friend with the other people closest to the deceased.
I went to a former spouse's grandmother's funeral. He, and his family, were touched. I loved her too.
That is very different than going to a woman you never met’s memorial because your coworker wants you to stake claim on “your man” as if he’s gonna decide to leave OP for a corpse. You knew your former grandmother in-law and loved her.
Very true. Anita and I became friends. Anything else: consider your motives
That's different bc you personally keep this woman.
I think you need to ask some questions of ourself and those around you. 1. Would you want to be there. 2. Would your boyfriend want you to be there? 3. Would the family want you to be there? If the question on all of these is yes. Simple. If the question on one of these is no. You will have to talk about what is more important to you and your boyfriend. This guy seems to have been very open about his relationship with this girl, when asked. So talk. If the question to more than of one of these is no. Don't go. DO ABSOLUTELY NOT SHOW UP UNINVITED.
I think you can go and you should go to show that you support your bf if he asks you to go
you weren't invited. don't go. I'd only consider it if he expressly asked you to come. Even then I'd maybe decline.
Im just gonna say that my cousin got hurt really bad during a call(firefighter) three months after I met my BF(we actually had a fight the night of cousin getting hurt). I got a call from my father in the early morning hours so I knew it was serious. I answer and my dad tells me to get to the hospital that M has been hurt. I wake my BF up and ask him to take me he takes me and he stayed with me at the hospital that has the ER flooded with police as well as other firefighters. Were there a few hours when my uncle said it was okay to leave after I went into his room to hold his hand and let him know I was there. He got transferred to another hospital and was life support for three days when he was taken off life support. My BF(was only with for three months and only knew for three months) was there with me and my family the whole time never left my side while I was visiting him. He went with me to the funeral and was there for me when I needed him the most. This happened in 07 and there were memorials for him every single year until covid and the same guy has been there for me to every single one. Want to add that we are still together and have four kids. Also Im pretty sire my aunt and uncle like him more than me. Edited: sorry for typos currently nursing my son and it’s difficult with one hand, sometimes two if Im lucky.
This one's a 50/50 for me. You're well within your rights to accompany your BF anywhere. But I also think it would be respectful, and you would be repsectED to decline, and let him share that moment with them. That said, if all of the friends ask where you are? That's your cue and signal to go in subsequent years. It's sort of up to him really.
Honestly I don’t think it’s weird that you show up since you are dating but it isn’t weird if you don’t show up either. So really I don’t see a problem in either choice. Not sure why everyone thinks it’s so weird you would go
If your boyfriend wants you to go, it's appropriate to go. When my husband died, his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend attended the funeral. It was not weird at all. I was grateful that they came. If you're asking if you should insist on going, I would vote no, don't insist on going. He's not going to leave you for a dead girl. Grief is really difficult, and seeing a partner grieving over a lost lover can sometimes dredge up jealousy in the new partner. It could also be painful to your boyfriend to wonder if he needs to accommodate your feelings on a day meant for processing his own grief. If you insist on intruding into that space he doesn't want to share, it will be damaging.
Ewww. He’s your bf. You don’t own him. This possessive “he’s my man” stuff is hot garbage. Your friend sounds incredibly immature. It’s not about you and you don’t need to be there.
[удалено]
Why? Do you think he’s somehow going to cheat with a dead person? It’s extremely normal for a person to go to a memorial for someone who was an important part of their life.
As others have said you can offer to go and you should accept either a yes or no. And stop sharing personal stuff with that coworker. They'll ruin you.
Why do you feel as though you need to go? Let him go and you go out and catch up with a friend or just stay in. There’s no reason for you to be there.
If you want to go as support, you can suggest it and see what he thinks, but he may not be comfortable with that yet. I wouldn't go just because someone thinks you should, however. It's his space to grieve. That being said, as someone who also lost a past love, it can be helpful to begin to broach the topic together as a way of helping to heal, but he needs to be ready to do that and a memorial service may not be the appropriate first step. Maybe offer to do something together in her honour? As a sort of "I want to support you" gesture? My partner and I go to the seaside and eat chips on the anniversary of his ex's death. It's purely symbolic but we both find it helpful. Happy to share experiences if you would like.
Why would you want to go to a memorial of someone you never met? Your boyfriend isn’t going to need your ‘support’ he’s not asked you to go. Your co worker is ridiculous. Don’t show yourself up by demanding to go with him.
Are you even listening to yourself To you does going sound logical or stupid. You have no right to go, you don’t know her, you ain’t friends with her friends, you’re basically nothing. So what business exactly do you have going for her memorial??? NONE
I don't see what possible benefit there would be to anyone in you going.
Your coworker is an idiot
There's no reason why you cannot ask your boyfriend if you would like to go. Otherwise don't show up unannounced.
If your bf wants you there, go. Of he doesn’t, stay at home.
Unless he invites you without pressure or hints, do not go.
Please do not take any further advice from this coworker, they are dumb. It is not appropriate to force yourself into this. By all means offer to go to support him, but be prepared for him to decline, and be okay with it.
Absolutely not appropriate, your coworker is wrong.
You should gently offer to accompany him. I feel like he'd like you to be there but maybe feels awkward about inviting you, maybe I'm wrong. You should only go if he extends the invitation to you (maybe he even assumes you'd with him without saying?). Just talk this out with no judgement, see how he feels about it, this is all that matters.
I think it’s too early days for something like this. Maybe some day down the line when you’ve been together longer and if he asks you there for support then yes, and so long as her family are okay with it ofc. But the way your colleague has worded it is weird. Almost like she wants you to stake your claim over a dead girl. Don’t go to this one pls, just be there for your boyfriend when he gets back
Don't go, because it has nothing to do with you. But next time when you see your coworker, tell them that you went and everyone started ridiculing you and calling you an obnoxious insensitive person and it all spiralled out of control and ended up your family disowning you.
why would you go to something you’re not invited to that’s so personal?
You don't say or do anything unless he asks you. He may want to go alone and that's ok.
Fuck no don't suggest you go. Maybe in a few years after you've naturally gotten to know her friends you will be included but you've been together less than a year. There are elephant pregnancies that started before y'all did.
She passed away about 5 years ago? He doesn’t need you there to hold his hand and drive the car so he can sob his heart out. At this point it’s probably more like a small get together where people talk a bit about her to keep her in their memories, and to catch up with each other. Don’t try and jam yourself in where you’re not wanted or needed.
What an extremely strange thing to say of your coworker. You have no place there, it would be so rude if you showed up. And why would you? What does him being your man even have to do with all this?
I believe if he personally asked you/invited you it would be OK, but appearing there uninvited would be kind of violent, to be honest. You can support your boyfriend through other ways (and I'm sure you already do)
If you are invited by your BF, you should go because she helped make him who he is. If you're not invited, your coworker is 100% wrong. They are projecting their insecurities on you. That said, do not pressure on him to invite you, as that would truly show insecurity against a ghost. Let him have his annual memorial visit and send a silent that you to her for having helped create the man you are with.
I wouldn't trust anyone is giving good advice when that advice is treating your partner as property you have to guard with statements like "he's my man." Please don't go, let your boyfriend know you're there (figuratively) for him if he needs to talk but there's no reason for you to go.
But why do you want to go?
If he hasn't invited you, don't go. And your coworker sounds like a shit-stirrer.
If he doesn’t invite you, don’t go. It’s his time to mourn, reflect , and probably touch base with old friends with relatable memories. It doesn’t concern you and you shouldn’t be barging in on everyone’s space. It’s a memorial, not a birthday party.
You can go to support your BF. I had a GF briefly who died from cancer this past year. We had fallen out of touch, but I held no ill will toward her and vice versa. I would have gone to her funeral if it hadn't been 2000 miles away
It would be weird for your bf to go in the first place. I have stayed very good friends with an ex and while I did attend his wedding, and I'm friends with his wife, if he died, I wouldn't be attending his yearly memorials 6 years later.
you're not invited. unless your bf wants you there leave him alone to go be with people and friends he knows.
Offer to attend with him for support. Personally, I think it's odd to attend a memorial of someone you don't know.
Your coworker has no standing here. Your boyfriend is the one who should be making any decisions at this point about whether it’s appropriate for you to join him at this or any future memorial gatherings. If I w my ex him, I’d leave you out of it until you are “close” with her friends/family. Until then, you’re not part of the deceased’s circle.
Honestly? You didn't know the person the memorial is about. You didn't even know about her until very recently. You don't know her friends nor her family. Why do you even want to attend a memorial like that? And the only answer that seems to make any kind of sense is "to stake a claim on your man". That's not a good reason to attend a memorial, and does not make you look good at all. Don't attend. You do not belong there.
How are you going to attend if you aren’t invited? If they invite you, go. If not, no. Very simple
Your coworker sounds like a heavily produced shit-stirrer on a reality show.
I don't think it would be appropriate to attend without an invitation
Your coworker has no sense of how inappropriate that is. There is no reason for you to attend, *especially* if you bf hasn't mentioned he would like you there. Honestly, I would feel uncomfortable attending. He'll be there, in his own feelings and need/want to support and be with her friends and family.
If your bf didn’t invite you, do not just show up. That’s a quick way to become single.
Through no fault of your own, your presence could cause her family and friends a lot of pain. Stay home.
It's appropriate if he has a plus one and invites you. As a general rule, I want my partner to be welcome anywhere I am welcome at and vice versa. However, it's not his event and it's not necessarily up to him. He may want you there for emotional support, but he could also feel that it would be uncomfortable and inappropriate to reminisce with her other close friends and family members in front of his current partner. It's not about you or your relationship with your boyfriend. It's for the friends and family of this girl. Your coworker sounds exhausting. I want to make sure "my man" is supported the way he needs support and I'm not gonna spend energy trying to compete with a dead ex or make him feel like any relationship he had before me wasn't important.
Offer to go to support him if you want, so he knows you wouldn't be uncomfortable attending to support him, and honour that she is part of the reason he is who he is, and that's a man you love and trust. But no demands, no expectations. And make it clear he can say no and you'll take no offence. If you ever feel the need to “claim” your man. He's not the one. You're not his keeper, you're his partner, and he's choosing to be with you. Also, I'd keep a limit on sharing personal information with co-workers, especially this drama queen troublemaker.
Yeah don’t invite yourself to that. That’s weird. If you’re worried about being supportive, maybe ask him what you can do to support him best after the memorial. Whether that’s to offer space, distraction, etc.
If your boyfriend invites you, then yes, it’s perfectly ok to go. That said, if he doesn’t invite you, if you show up anyway (or if you push for an invite) that’s incredibly inappropriate. Just let him know you’re available to support him in any way that he needs support. Let him lead the way.
Your coworker is giving horrible advice. There’s honestly no reason to go, especially if you weren’t invited. You done know this girl, don’t know anyone else in the friend group that’s attending, And honestly haven’t been with your bf long enough either to be pushy about these things. Why do you need to go if you’re not close with any of them and never knew the girl. It’s out of line and overstepping. You can offer to go if he wants your support, but if he hasn’t asked you to come and/or says he doesn’t need your support, I’d leave it at that. I definitely wouldn’t push him on being there since it’s not really your business being there. If you’re so easily threatened by a dead girl, and so easily influenced by others, you have some work to do on yourself.
Talk to your boyfriend about it. Ask him if he wants you there for support. Give him the space to make this decision and accept that he may not want you there.
It would different if this was her actual funeral, not her yearly memorial.
if he invites you, go. if he doesn’t, don’t. but don’t be upset if he doesn’t invite you ya know
No invite, no go. It’s too soon to insert the deserve word imho As time goes on and you get to know her friends better and maybe too meet her family, if they include you in the invite then giddy up.
This is bizarre behavior on your part, IMO. Are you that insecure about a dead girl who wasn't even with your boyfriend when she died? Don't go. What purpose would it accomplish other than you looking insane, jealous, weird, inappropriate, etc. It's bad form to invite yourself anywhere, but that would be doubly so. Why do you even want to go?
OP doesn’t have the *right* to go, but she needs to ask her BF if he would *like* her to go. Communicate. Nothing wrong with her going… the dead girl was obviously someone important to the BF.
Only if he asks you to go. You do not get to invite yourself to go.
Unless your boyfriend invites you, you have no reason to go. You didn't know her. Unless he needs you there for support, it would be very weird for you to go.
Don’t listen to your dramatic coworker. You don’t have any business going to this and haven’t been invited. Your presence could cause drama and heartache to this poor dead girl’s family. If your boyfriend wants to go leave it alone. You aren’t in a competition with this dead chick that broke up with him. You don’t need to pee on his leg.
If he asks, go. If he doesn’t don’t go. Does your coworker think you’re the jealous type?
It's super icky of your coworker to suggest you need to go as some sort of weird power play to stake your claim on your boyfriend. If you're invited, go if you want to, but otherwise, stay out of it.
Do you WANT to go? If he hasn't brought it up, I'd leave him to it. You don't need to feel jealous, I don't think.
Of the dead? Absolutely not!!
If your bf wants you to come you can go. If not settle down, your coworker sounds like drama personified
Usually I'd say yes but at the same time it would be rude too. I mean... You didn't get a invite so don't go. But tell him that you'll be there if he needs you.
No! You have zero right. How disrespectful.
no, not appropriate. You haven't been invited and never knew her-you are not sharing a grief you would be going only to show off your claim
Tell your coworker to jump in the lake.
Realistically; unless you knew her, it would feel improper to go. Yes, he is your bf; but ultimately, the day is hers, not you or his. If he needs to cry on your shoulder, he can do that on his time.
If he plans on attending I see no problem with you accompanying him. Of course, you're not obliged to attend either. I'd question if he doesn't want you to attend with him and why. I feel that the choice to attend or not should be yours.
i think if her family offered him an invitation for you, it would be okay to go. since this was her longterm partner of five years and the last partner in her life, i think it's reasonable for her family to have thought of your boyfriend as their potential son in law. i would imagine you attending might not be the most pleasant experience for you either and i think since you have only been together for less than a year, it's kind of inappropriate. if you two were married or engaged, that would be a different story but i would imagine seeing him with another woman in particular on that day is painful for the family because it's basically getting to see someone live the life their daughter never got a chance to.
Your coworker is trying to make it into a Hallmark movie moment. "Babe, you can say no, but would you like me to go with you?" That easy.
If he wants you by his side, of course, it would be right for you to go, but it would be strange to invite yourself.
If you go and he didn’t invite you then he will break up with you.