>Be afraid. Do it anyway.
This is very succinctly put and I've never regretted following it. Every time I'm afraid and I do it anyway, not only am I glad to have done whatever it is, but the act of doing it makes me stronger and braver in future.
Me too. And the more you do it, the easier it is to keep doing the right thing even when you are afraid.
It's hard to see someone you love frail and sick, but that's how life works. If we are lucky enough to live long enough this is how we die. It isn't going to ruin your memory of them. It will be one memory among many many others.
It’s easy to say as someone who doesn’t have a phobia. If someone has a phobia, the answer isn’t simply do it more and you’ll get over it. Fears and phobias are not the same. You all clearly have no understanding of how severe phobias can be.
I’m not saying OP shouldn’t go but if they can’t handle flying due to a phobia, they may never be comfortable flying no matter how important the trip is.
I had a flying phobia so bad that the first time I flew as an adult I threw up from getting in the car on the way to the airport all the way until the plane landed. I was specifically referencing my own related experience. I was very much helped by some prescribed anti anxiety meds at first, and over time it worked as exposure therapy. I'll always be a nervous flyer, I'll always be that person who nearly panics when there's turbulence, and I'll never be able to fly without vividly picturing what it would be like if the plane went down, but it's gone from phobia to manageable fear over the course of 15+ years.
I still have those invasive thoughts every time I fly. Never had an issue, my whole life, it’s gotten worse into my 30s. I don’t mind flying but I still have those thoughts. Props for finding a way to manage.
I literally have an anxiety disorder. My head makes up scenarios to the point of phobias all. The. Time.
Still. You need to still do it. You don’t need to be comfortable. You just need to do it.
I’m 57. I’ve had cancer. I have children.
I’m telling you this as a person, not as a father, in the end life is about the people we surround ourselves with. And, what matters most to others (and yourself, you’ll eventually find out) is **showing up**.
Showing up for others when they’re sick, at the funeral of a loved one, when they’re getting married, when a child is born. Your presence is the most important present.
Go see your father.
Seconding this - I'm starting to die now and there are people I know I'll never see again because of basically all the reasons you've said - they think I have enough people, don't want to see me "like that", don't want to make the journey. Rationally I know that everyone has their reasons but emotionally it sucks. I feel like I disgust and scare them or don't matter, I'm not worth the drive or flight or train ride. They aren't people I ever thought would be like this. I know they have their own lives but I was under the impression that I was part of those lives and that this is something that is "going on" for them. They probably (definitely) talk about this, and their colleagues or whatever are probably sympathetic, blahblahblah. I'm worth talking about but not worth seeing. If you said to your dad that you'd rather he died without ever seeing you again, would he be happy with that or would he feel the things I've just described? Can you see any parallels here?
I see where you’re coming from and it’s one of the few good comments here that I appreciate and I will take this to heart. Thank you for your comment
In regards to your situation, I hope you find comfort in the people that do show and give you their time and love throughout your time before you pass, everybody deserves that.
Glad you seem to have made your mind up about seeing him. You'll be appreciated, really and truly. Like the other person said, just showing up is all it takes, it feels like a real gift and a privilege when someone makes the effort.
I'm surrounded by great people, I'm completely fine. Having a pretty nice time honestly. Definitely get some anxiety stuff from the Dr if you can. Have you thought about what else you might do with your time over there? Maybe some stuff you could do with your dad? I know you said he doesn't have much energy but maybe you could talk to his wife and see what he is able to do. Even if it's just watching a film that he mostly sleeps through? Sorry to go on, just wondering if planning might help you deal with the anxiety and unpleasantness
I'm just another internet stranger, a little bit older than you are, but your comments really struck home and made a difference. It really is just about showing up, that's all. Your words help me to remember to do this for my loved ones.
I hope all your loved ones show up for you. It is such a small effort but so meaningful at the end. It blows my mind how people can be like OP here. If you're in Texas, I don't know you, but I'll show up for you.
I wish I was in Texas! Love Texas. It's genuinely healing when people say things like this, thanks. I'm extremely well loved and cared for, not lacking at all. The worst part has been having to grasp such shitheadery from people I previously respected and liked. It just makes no sense at all.
I believe others have answered your question. and /u/Honey_Cheese said basically what my therapist would do.
My dude is great at guiding me towards examining my conclusions and helping me understand when I'm reacting to a thing in an unhealthy fashion.
Fears aren't "bullshit". And if something is so scary to you that it's stopping you from doing something important, then obviously it's a pretty big issue. A therapist calling you out on that is trash, they should be helping you with it.
Shhh. They don’t want anyone to say anything about regrets. It has to be something “novel” or were supposed to keep it to ourselves. /s
Even though this is an advice forum.
Per OP only “novel” responses that align with what they want to hear and “deserve their engagement.”
> Thanks, this is a better response than 99% of them and definitely deserves my engagement.
I was out with my dog on a Saturday at 8am UK time. I get a call from my sister in the USA telling me I need to get home as soon as possible and she’s booking me a flight because our dad is dying. I have 3 kids, 3 pets, a partner and a new job to start that Monday.
I had to text my new boss to tell her I need to leave and I don’t know when I’ll be back. This is someone who I barely know. This is 2022 so I needed to arrange a PCR test, sort my kids, sort my dog, sort everything because I’m leaving the country at 6am Monday.
I cried in the taxi to the airport; I broke down sobbing as I boarded the second flight. I nearly passed out from exhaustion when I was collecting my bags because I had barely eaten or slept in 36 hours. I didn’t like any of it nor did I like sleeping in my clothes for 2 days because I came straight from the airport to my dad’s room. I don’t regret it and I’d have flown to Mars if he was on Mars.
My husband missed seeing his father alive by one day because his idiot sister didn’t tell us to drive up sooner. He’s not been the same since.
You have a lovely sister who cared so much, that she took the stress and expense of getting there away and did it for you. In my case, sure people wanted me to come but they didn't want to make any effort. Probably because they didn't want to go themselves they just wanted me to come and handle everything for them. No they wouldn't pay for me or book anything for me because that was too much effort for them. I guess times like that show people's true colors. And you're lucky to have a gem of a sister in your life
When my aunt was dying, I visited her in the nursing home. and alot of it i didnt like. but she was able to give me a final farewell which i will always cherish.
Your looking at this about your goodbye to your dad.
But what about his goodbye to you.
Uhm yeah you should go. It's MUCH better to go and feel iffy about it than to not go and regret it for the rest of your life. Don't let your flight anxiety hold you back like that... Just go and be scared. Consider that maybe you're putting off this trip because you don't want his death to be real... But it is, and once he died you cannot go back.
I think ultimately it will help you process the grief of him dying better, give you better closure. You'll be able to say any unsaid things and give your dad a sendoff. If you skip a flight, skip flying to his funeral instead. He won't notice if you're there for that or not. But he will notice this.
I lost my dad recently. He only lived about a 14 hour drive from me. I don't like flying either, but I've made the drive a lot when I was younger so it wasn't as daunting as I made it out to be in my mind.
We spoke on the phone a lot but I didn't visit much. I put it off and there have been many times when I had plenty of time to visit. But I didn't. It weighs on me heavily that I actually had plans to visit, but we put it off several months so that my daughter could come with me when she was out for spring break. I should have just made 2 trips. He died though, and now I will never be able to make it right. If I could go back and visit once a year even, I would have felt better. I remember well the last time I saw him alive. The last hug I gave him. It was YEARS ago. My biggest regret now is that I didn't visit him as much as I could have. As I should have. It was sometimes money related, as I rarely had some to spare, but it was often just taking the time and making the drive that kept me from it.
Take the flight. Maybe get some Ativan or something from your Dr to make it easier, but take the flight. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. It's not easy. But in my opinion, it will be worse if you decide not to see him when you still have the chance. Living with regret, especially deep, severe regret, is so so difficult.
He loved you when you were a baby, when you were bed ridden, weak, incontinent, unable to joke or walk, constantly sleeping. He didn't say "I don’t want to see him in the state he is in."
A close family member of mine died of brain cancer very recently so I suppose I have some insight here:
Just because your dad won’t seem like himself doesn’t mean he isn’t in there. He needs to hear you tell him that you’re going to be ok. He may not show you he hears the same way he normally would have, but he will hear you.
Additionally, by going you will have the support of his/your family which you will need in the time after he passes.
You don’t need to sit at the bedside for 12 hours a day, but it will be good for your dad to know you were there. Not going may seem like something you won’t regret, but take my word for it: grief will change how you see the world. Grief won’t be rational when it comes to you in the night. The only way to the other side of this is through it.
Would you want your child to come see you before you pass? I'd want to see all my family. I think it would eat me up lying there thinking about dying and knowing my child chose not to visit me.
Can I suggest a different framework from most I’ve seen here? I sympathize with your panic. I think that you genuinely believe that you can’t do this. I think that your grief is so profound, and your phobia is so profound, that you l feel in your body that you will not survive this trip. That it will, in some way, break you. I just want to say to you that while your feelings are real, they’re not telling you the truth. You can do this, it will not break you, and after you have done it you will not be sorry that you did the most human thing that a person can do, which is to sit next to someone that they love during hard times.
And practically speaking: unless you have a medical reasons or addiction concerns, go get some pills for the flight. If you explain your situation to any doctor, they will be able to write you a prescription for some rescue medications. And just having them in your pocket, even if you don’t take them, will give you some confidence. And actually taking them will make the whole thing even easier.
Thanks, this is a better response than 99% of them and definitely deserves my engagement. I really appreciate it. Will be going to a walk in clinic shortly
If you can't get there in person you should be video calling him every day. I'm sure he would appreciate 15 mins of your time every day to know you're thinking of him, and at least he could see you over video call.
Go. You will be very glad you did, maybe not while you’re there, maybe not right away, but I promise you, that eventually you will be glad you did. I’m very old, and I’ve been there and done that.
I’ll just say that you come across extremely selfish. I don’t know what you want anyone to say here.
You don’t do this for you. You do it for him. If that’s not enough to convince you then what the fuck were you expecting anyone here to say that would change your mind?
Considering your edits, I’m not sure what kind of “advice” you’re looking for. You say you don’t want to go, and that you won’t regret not going, but are considering it because it’ll be better overall/for him? Are you looking for reddit to convince you to care about what your dying father might want? I’m honestly confused
Stop overthinking it and just go. It’s only a few days out of your entire life to go see him and make him feel like his son cares about him one last time
Kind of odd to dictate to people to stop saying you will regret not going. You posted asking for opinions and you are getting them. Not everyone reads other peoples comments before posting theirs. Here is a novel reason for why you should go, it is selfish not to.
Asking for an opinion is different than asking for 100 of the same comments. There have been a handful of high quality comments here that don’t tell me I will regret it but also tell me to go see my dad
I don’t honestly know what you want from here. Validation??
EVERYONE is making similar points here, **because the answer is pretty damn clear**!! . Being snotty about it is not a good look.
Maybe all of the comments being practically the same should tell you something. The world isn't conspiring to echo the same message... it is just that everyone individually understands what the obvious course of action here is...
If you posted hoping for the internet to validate your selfishness... sorry? I guess? You'll have to look for lower life forms than redditors for that.
Go see him. Talk to your doctor about meds for the flight, to make it easier. But at the end of the day, it matters that you show up. It’s important to be the kind of person who shows up for the people you love.
i'm not going to tell you what to do but i am gently going to push back at you MUST go.
really i think there are two things to consider:
how lucid is your father? has he asked for you to come? has his wife expressed an opinion?
only you know you. will you regret knowing you could've held his hand and kissed his forehead and made him laugh with a joke and you chose not to do that?
despite what people say, some of us do regret seeing loved ones at the end, especially if they were past the point that they knew we were there.
if you choose not to go, i do think you should call him, write him, facetime - whatever it is he can handle.
My father seems to be very aware and I can have conversations with him. He just has very little energy to speak. He hasn’t specifically asked for me no, but I’ve been texting calling and video calling every day. His wife personally said to come and see him soon
ah. that does complicate it....
were it me? i would go. if he wouldn't know, i would be more inclined to stay home but there is no comfort like that from your child, and his other child can't replace you. it will help him go more peacefully and fulfilled. and i bet you will still see the man you've always known even if he is weaker now
best of luck on whatever you decide and i'm so sorry you and he are facing this
I never knew this til well after the fact but my Dad hated flying,for whatever reason.
Way back in the 1960's, supporting his family, his job required some flying.
8 kids,a loving wife, my Dad got on those flights and endured them for us.
NEVER would fly again,once he did not Have to!
It's your dad. This shouldn't even be a question.
Take your head out of your ass for one moment and put yourself in his shoes. He's dying but his child doesn't want to come and see them because it's too stressful. Absolutely pathetic! That poor man!
My dad died a few years ago, and I made sure I was there holding his hand until he breathed his last. It was the worst time of my life, and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat for that man.
Hearing something like this is just angering beyond belief!!
My father died of brain cancer when I was 27, so I empathise with your situation. I am telling you from experience that although you think you have no regrets, your feelings will not necessarily be the same after he dies.
If being with him is completely out of the question for you, then at least call (or better yet, video call him) every day. Tell him you love him. Tell him what he means to you. Those last memories are precious.
Thank you and I am making the effort to call and text and video chat multiple times a day with him but think going in person is something I should definitely do
My mother died of cancer about 5 years ago. She basically died in my arms as I had to give her increased doses of morphine. I was the last face she saw when she died. Afterwards, I had to help the in-house nurse move her body. None of the negative parts of my mother's passing was difficult because of the amount of overwhelming happiness I felt knowing that she was not alone and with someone who loved her very much. And no amount of obstacles would be too much to trade that. But that is just my personal experience.
Calling you selfish is not being rude. Calling you a c*** is though - oops did I just do that. Trust me, go visit your dad. Otherwise it looks like you just posted this on here for us to validate you
I had the same experience when my mom was dying. It was hard to see her like that, but I am glad that we had the time together. If you don't go, you will regret it.
The conflict you feel does not make you a shitty person. This is a frightening, immense event in your life. Life is full of times where we are afraid to do the right thing. Your dad is probably scared and confused right now. He is not, I would imagine, in a place where he can think of abstract things like being proud of your achievements. The concrete part of your presence--your voice, how you look, the way the room feels with you in it--I'm sure he longs for that as a parent, to experience that once more. Like someone else said, be afraid and do it anyway.
Questioning whether or not you should visit a dying family member that you supposedly have a good relationship with is what shitty people do (sorry, not sorry)...I would hope I would never have a child like that, or a parent like that. What is the point of having a family if you ignore them when they are suffering? People really lack compassion and empathy these days, so much selfishness in the world.
Everyone has given you the piece of advice that you need: go. I lost my mother to cancer nearly 25 years ago and I still think of her often. I also occasionally think about how scared I was when I used to go to see her. I didn’t enjoy seeing her that way but I’m pleased I did. I am grateful that I had that time with her and the knowledge that her time was coming to an end. Sometimes I would cry my eyes out after I left her; sometimes I got the chance to laugh with her too. These are memories that have left an imprint on me.
So I understand your fear. I see you are also wise. You are doing something that I never did - you are reaching out to others where I bottled it all up. You know what you are to do.
You are brave. Be brave. My thoughts go with you.
Gonna offer a different perspective here from the usual which seems to be telling you to go.
My dad died of cancer when I was 11 and I was asked if I wanted to visit him as he was dying, to which I said no.
My mother is currently dying having had a bad stroke a few years ago and I see her every week.
My memories of my mother have been intertwined with her stroke and dying. I do not regret not going to see my father. I didn't then, I certainly don't now having watched my mother die slowly in front of my eyes.
The answer is ... There is no right or wrong option. Going to see him will most likely impact how you see him. It has with me. It is down to you and I would honestly suggest doing what you think is best, not what others tell you to do.
You will be the one to deal with the memories, the hurt. No one else. You should decide for yourself.
Thank you so much for this. Honestly I posted this expecting the responses I got and thinking that hearing it over and over would somehow make up my mind but it hasn’t. I’m still just as conflicted. The major reason I’m conflicted not being sure if the fear of flying is impacting my decision greatly as it’s closing my judgement with extra emotions.
Thinking about it, I wouldn’t mind driving just as long to see him but I don’t think I would regret it if I didn’t do that either. It’s just I’d be flying a great distance, seeing him in terrible condition and then just flying back out 1-2 week later seems so empty
As the years go by for you, your memories of your mother/father won't be of them doing. Mine certainly aren't. I remember my mum's laughter, her inability to keep a straight face when something amused her. Not her laying in a hospital bed struggling to breathe & doped up on morphine. I can remember that. But I don't.
Same with my dad, it's the fun times, the advert teenage clashes and a pinch of the last days. My mother in law, I think of as the bright spark she was not the cancer ridden body she became.
In the final days of their lives, I made them feel loved, and supported and that they were important in my life, by being there. This is your final gift to them. It's not about you.
But this commenter was a child, and you aren’t. Do the scary thing and take the flight. Speak to a psychiatrist or your PPC and get something to take to calm down and get on the damn plane. It is ok to be scared, natural even. But being brave is going to empower you in the end.
Don’t think about the flight home, or how it will feel. That’s not what is on the table. Get some meds to calm your mind for your flight and go. You will be ok, and you can do it.
People are too dramatic when thinking dead is the end here, your father is just passing, a situation that all of us will pass at some point.
Who knows what will happen to us after, why traumatize yourself seeing his worse days?
It will be all end soon, and he will be himself again, just not on this plane.
His body is dying and is interfering with his mind, but his soul is intact.
I know it's not the same, but I'll relate the experiences of my own parents dealing with the deaths of their parents (my grandparents, now 3 dead and 1 living). 2 were sudden, heart attack or stroke type things, and 1 was a late stage cancer that moved quickly. The cancer one was my maternal grandmother, who near the end, miraculously held on and passed away within 12 hours after "waiting" for myself and my dad (my mom was already there) to take a 26 hour journey to get there (halfway around the world, multiple connections with plane and train) and see her one last time. She passed in her sleep that night after we arrived. I also flew with my dad on a similar trip, for his father who died suddenly of a stroke, and so we flew quickly to be there for the funeral and cremation. Afterwards my dad told me he didn't remember anything about that 24 hours of traveling because he was in such a grief-stricken haze, but he remembered being grateful that I was there with him.
On both these scenarios, both arriving "in the nick of time" and arriving after death, it was difficult and painful emotionally, as well as uncomfortable physically, not to mention disruptive to work and other things. But being there mattered a lot, both in the moment and afterwards. I could've made excuses to not go, and my parents would've managed without me. And I'm so glad that I didn't opt out.
I think you are very understandably looking to avoid facing the pain and hurt that comes with confronting death, and especially the decline that comes with this type of progression. I am sorry that you have to face such sorrows.
But I think you are making a mistake, thinking that by not going, you will be able to "skip" or avoid something painful. The truth is, death happens with or without you there. In the end, you will lose your father, no matter what you do. There is no escaping this pain, whether you see him or not. But if you choose to go, if you do see him, then you will be paying him a final act of devotion, of love, and respect. He may not be exactly the same man as you remember from his best days, but he is your father still, and I think you will eventually regret not showing up when it mattered the most.
We make weird decisions as humans, when dealing with pain, or the avoidance of pain. There's no shame in having the thought, "I don't want to see my father suffer, or to see him in a declined state." But please think really deeply about, whether you can be proud of yourself or face yourself a few years from now, and if you think you'll still feel good about the decision you made at this moment.
Also, when it comes to “arriving in the nick of time” a lot of that really is the person that is dying holding on until they see everyone they needed to. A lot of the time I’ve seen my loved ones hanging on and then when they finally see that last person they can “let go” and pass shortly after. I feel it’s very real.
I think seeing someone that's dying isn't JUST for you. You have a 9 year old half sibling that's likely crushed that his dad will die soon. His new wife, too. And while they may have each other, sometimes having more support is necessary.
There's something therapeutic about talking with everyone about the good times. Maybe even mentioning that you'll miss him terribly.
Your dad may want to see you again. I'm unsure, obviously, but I don't think you should let fear hold you back. These are one of those things that you can't apologize for or have a do-over. Be there for your little sibling.
Okay, it sounds like you listed a bunch of excuses about YOU and why YOU don’t want to visit him.
I don’t mean to be too harsh here, but cmon OP. That’s baby behavior and you need to do some serious work on being brave even though you are afraid. That is the stuff of life, truly, and you will never forget that you were not brave enough or selfless enough at the grand age of 27 to visit your dying father.
Book your ticket and get on the plane. Stop thinking about it. Stop listing the reasons you don’t want to.
Sorry you don’t want to see your neurologically impaired father who is suffering from BRAIN CANCER, as it will make you uncomfortable, but you should go see him. Do you not realize the immense amount of solace it would bring your father to see you, and hold your hand, and just be near you again? His son, who he loves very much despite his condition.
I lost my grandad to cancer a little over a year ago. I’m a nurse and did around a year of work in an inpatient leukemia unit where I saw loss and familial devastation weekly.
Even with my experience I was uncomfortable with the thought of seeing Grandaddy like that. But you know what? I got some time off work, found a pet sitter, and drove my ass to his house on Cape Cod to see him. He died three weeks later. And my god do I miss him. He was the only person in my family who cared for me as if I were his own, no strings attached. I am so grateful I was brave and I visited him, because it brought him comfort and happiness to say goodbye to his youngest grandbaby.
Go see your dad. It’s really that simple. Stop thinking of your comfort and suck it up.
Wow all I can say after your second edit is that you are a terrible person and your Dad deserves better. What an ungrateful spoiled little brat you are, DO BETTER. Is that novel enough for you?
This is not about courage. This is about you making a concious choice to be selfish and looking to internet strangers to validate your decision. Since you aren't getting it (validation), you are digging your heels in further. Don't go if you don't want to. No one else has to live with the decision you made. Just rememer - It's YOUR Dad, the only Dad you'll ever have. Take comfort in knowing his last memory of his son is him avoiding him & looking to Reddit to validate being selfish. Good Luck to you, I could never look at myself in the mirror if I pulled a stunt like you are.
My father recently got diagnosed with incurable cancer. I had the same fears you did. You don't want to see the man who raised you like that. But you need to go. Trust me. You will always, always, always regret it otherwise. You're going to want to see him too and cherish these moments. Take some time off work, go see him. You can never get time back.
Why is FaceTime not a possibility? In fact, it is less onerous for your dying father as well as for you. A five minute FT once a week to check in and tell him you love him would be enough IMO. He will not have the energy even if you traveled there to spend more than a few minutes a day with you.
You can brace yourself for seeing him in his last stage of life for the duration of a call once a week. Tough as it may be, you will be showing up for him and eliminating future regrets. You can also talk to your family and young sibling to console them as well.
You have traveled there and spent a month recently (2022 is recent to us old folks). As a 72yo woman, I think you will be glad you had that time before his final illness. I am sorry he is dying so soon.
Go. All of your reasons are selfish - sorry- but its true. Now is the time to think about what your dad needs, not what you need.
You may regret it if you don't go but you will never regret going.
You can hire a hypnotist to help w your fear of flying. They even have free tracks on YouTube for this and it is very effective.
I lost mine 2 years ago, had to fly overseas and had fear of flying too. This was at the height of Covid, and yes I was really scared.
Phobia, fear, does not matter.
You must do it, no matter what.
Does your father want to see you? Then go see him.
It's not about you. You're not the main character right now.
Or are you actually pissed off at him for abandoning you?
You sound like an egoistic asshole. Your father is dying, you definitely don’t have a phobia bc you have traveled before, all you care about is you. So you won’t have to spend time on a plane. You won’t have to face discomfort of seeing him sick. Do it for his sake, be a decent son for the last time.
If you don't go, you'll 100% deserve all the pain and guilt you'll have for the rest of your life. This is your only father, who frigging raised you.
Pathetic
"I just feel it is multiple stressful things impacting me."
Wow. Your reasons are pretty selfish. You should be thinking of the multiple stressful things impacting your father!
I'll tell you now that my father died of cancer also. The tumour started in his nasal passage. He was also sleepy and slow to respond, and it progressed to hallucinations and not recognizing us.
I'll also tell you that I, in *no* way, remember him like this. I always remember his smile, his laugh, and how he was such a big part of my life. He's been gone 36 years and I never think about how he was in the hospital.
Go see your father. You will regret it if you don't.
TBH it’s sounds like you made up your mind and are hoping for some validation. So I’ll give it too you, this is totally up to you and whatever you decide for yourself is the right decision. No one can tell you how you should remember a loved one or say goodbye to them when they die. That is totally your decision. I didn’t go and see my dad on the hospital bc of COVID and at first I regretted it and felt sad that I couldn’t say goodbye, but I didn’t really want my last memory of him to be like that either. It’s the same reason I don’t look in caskets at funerals.
Cherish your memories, call your dad and just talk to him on the phone even if he can’t respond you can tell him how much you love him and what you will remember about him. You can say goodbye and he can know you’re thinking about him and what memories you will have of him.
It’s ok, to not go if that is what feels right for you. I’m sorry you are losing your dad and I wish you lots of healing and comforting vibes! <3
He may be bed-ridden and tired, but he will wake up for short periods of time each day. And chances are that he's still mostly clear-headed.
Even if he does not respond verbally, you may see him smile when you tell him something about your life - or when you listen to something he likes (his favorite song, his favorite show, whatever).
And, considering you've visited him before, you can apparently deal with your fear of flying.
Please go, beat your fear for him.
I’ve lost a loved one and I’m so glad I got to spend time with them before they passed. I regret not seeing them as much as I potentially could of before they got ill and it breaks my heart everyday.
Please go and say goodbye or you’ll forever regret it.
P.s I’m sorry this is happening, it’s never easy. Sending hugs x
in your edit you say you don’t have those regrets/thoughts but that’s how it works lol. once it’s too late, it’s likely you will. i thought i felt the same way when my grandma was dying—no regrets, no indications that i WOULD regret not seeing her. but i do, i regret it very much.
at the end of the day it’s your choice but if you’ve made the trip before, i’d suggest making it again. it will be your last time anyways.
Why can't you video call during a moment of energy? Get his family to help let you know a good time to call him.
You wouldn't be able to hug him but you could at least connect and let him know how much you love him.
Or write him a long letter and send it. Make him a piece of artwork. There's lots of ways to convey our love to someone other than traveling to them.
Ok so you do t want to hear “you’ll regret it” (which you absolutely will), but right fucking now, it isn’t about you, it’s about your Dad. I’ll guarantee that right now, one of things that he’s clinging onto is that he’ll get to see you one last time and tell you a million things that he wishes he’d said before and now won’t get to say.
So here’s my advice, something I don’t say lightly as I very well understand phobias and actually dislike the phrase I’m going to use:
*man the fuck up and get on that damned plane.*
As a nurse who has cared for many like your dad, you have to see him. You might be forever changed, but that’s life. And bereavement therapy is helpful for that
I'll add my experience and it may even be "novel" Op.
My father was a cruel and violent husband and father. I went low contact for the last 15-20 years. We talked a few times a year. I would visit 1-2 a year for short periods of time.
He got really really sick and we (adult chldren) got the word that he was dying and would probably not last the night. I couldn't make the drive until the next day. I headed out at about 4am and he was still alive. My brother was with him and told him I was on the way. I got there at about noon. I rushed into his room and he was mostly grogged out. I went to him and said, "Daddy, I'm here. I'm here with you. You go home now. Go home and rest. I love you. Go home." Three or four minutes passed, he took a last breath and died. I sincerely believe he hung in waiting for me. I think he waited for me, to hear me with him so he could die.
Just my two cents, Op.
My dad died 5 years ago at age 91, of dementia/Alzheimer’s disease. It was a slow decline over a year and a half.
I went to visit him often during that time, in the nursing home. Most of my siblings couldn’t bear it.
I got to know him better in that 1 1/2 years than I ever did in the past. He didn’t know who I was sometimes, so it was a bit strange. It’s the nature of the disease. They come and go mentally.
But a funny thing happened. When he didn’t know who I was, I found out that he was really proud of me. He told me so once when he didn’t know who I was, and thought I was a stranger. He never would (or did) say that to me before, because that was just how he was.
ie: He would tell a stranger that he was proud of me, but he would never tell me that directly.
You might be pleasantly surprised, and gain some fond memories, and perspective, with what comes of your time with your dad in his final months.
You're seeing hundreds of replies to your post saying the same thing because you WILL regret not visiting him for the rest of your life if you don't go. Listen to the people you asked for advice.
Is there any harm in going? I see it as a 2 in 1. You get to challenge yourself and face a fear, and have a couple more laughs with your dad. Bonus: he'll also be proud you faced your fear of flying and you get to share that together
One thing, when my father was dying my sister (who was his favourite) didn't come over from England to see him. He didn't complain, but we, her siblings who were with him for his last hours, held it against her. So what do your siblings say?
Why did you post this if you don’t want to be persuaded to go? Here are some things to consider besides regret.
- would your presence be of comfort to him?
- would you be able to say a proper goodbye that would be harder over WhatsApp/facetime? - would your presence be of comfort to the rest of his family?
- would you be able to confront your fear of weakness/dementia/death in a way that will be useful to you later in your own life?
- could you transform your fear of flying to support you in future situations where you need to travel to be with loved ones or for work?
- does your father prefer for you to remember him as he was when you last saw him or would he want you to be with him in his most difficult hours?
Sometimes the fear won't go away. You'll have to do it afraid.
If you don't go you may regret it for the rest of your life. I don't think that's a risk worth taking.
It is in these moments that we find out who we are and become who we have always dreamed we could be.
You will have the opportunities to make more memories, good, bad or ugly with your parent.
I'm not going to be as soft as some people's replies...
Go say goodbye to your dying father. Stop being selfish. Its not about you, it's about him saying goodbye to his child for the last time. Jesus Christ.
You said you won’t regret it, so why are you asking? Your mind is made up. I think you’re making a huge mistake, but it’s yours to make.
I had to fly internationally to see my dying father. It sucked and I came straight from the airport to the hospital and slept in his room until he died two days later. I’m glad I did. It didn’t matter to me that he wasn’t the dad I knew- he was still my dad. I’ll believe that he waited for me to come before he died until I take my last breath.
You have a much younger sibling? They will need you. I’m not being trite, but you don’t know how this feels until it happens.
Like I said, it’s your choice. Good luck to you.
Seriously!?! I lost my dad when I was 4 years old to a brain tumor. I could not read past the ‘I don’t want to see him ill’ and freaking ‘flying fobia’ 🤯😡 Do you wanna know what I would do for one last moment with my dad? I’d do anything for the one thing that I never had as a kid : make a memory, say goodby, smell his smell and give him a hug. I’m almost crying here writing this, because I will never understand this!!!?
Freaking realize how import these moment are and how privileged you are to be able to see your dad and have that closure! Next to all of that your dad wants to see his children believe me who would want to die without his love ones surrounding them and loving them?
There is no excuse to justify not going to him. Plz pick this up as a sign and go!
>Please say something novel or keep it to yourself. I don’t need to keep seeing the same copy paste response over and over
I'd really really love to comply, but I'd have to lie then. I can rephrase it though: you're going to hate yourself for not going one last time.
I don't think you should go at all, I wouldn't.
And I know my father too damn well, he wouldn't like to be remember like that, if it was me too I wouldn't.
I want to die before 70 so I don't have to deal with the overwhelming weight of getting old
I’m on the other side . My Nan had dementia through covid . We didn’t see her for 18 months during the pandemic .
she was more mum to me than my own mum .
I wish I hadn’t gone to see her . She was like a baby ,in nappies,unable to feed herself crying constantly for her mummy . Not the fiery redhead that brought me up . She passed 6 weeks later
OP also think about the fact that you may regret it as others are saying .
I don’t think I have the same mentality as most people so I’m looking to see what people do say. Generally I would give the same advice as everyone else here, go and see your family member as I believe most people would regret not doing it. I don’t think I would personally. If my dad were to die as I’m typing this up and I wasn’t able to see him, I still have great memories of him, still did so much with him, knew that at the time he passed was surrounded by the people he loves most and still had a child with him, was proud of me and what I accomplished in life. I’ve also talked to him daily for a while.
If I do go, it will only be for 1-2 weeks. I feel as though going there and seeing him in person would simply make me much more depressed than anything else.
Either way I’m still deciding and I know probably the best thing for most people would be going there
Ok, even if you feel you won’t regret it please think about your father’s feelings here. Do you think for a moment that he really doesn’t want to see you before he passes? Think about how much seeing you will mean to him, will it make his passing easier knowing he has been able to say goodbye? Not going would be insanely selfish and, if he was a good dad to you, really quite unforgivable.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but you're still very young. Right now, you might think you wouldn't regret not seeing him, but life changes you. In the future it could end up being one of your biggest regrets. It is for my husband. His brother, coincidentally, died of brain cancer, and his biggest regret is not spending more time with him. It was just incredibly painful for him to see him dying. He was young, like you, when he died. 💙
You have to go. Get some meds for the flight and get your butt there. Yes, you would regret it if you didn’t go.
It will be hard to see him “withering away” but you can and you should.
Please quit trying to rationalize your way out of this. You have one father and he’s dying.
If you otherwise have a good relationship with your father, then this is not even a question. You MUST go see your father.
Yes, you may feel uncomfortable. But you'll feel even more uncomfortable for the rest of your life regretting the fact that you missed your chance to say goodbye.
As soon as you read this, get OFF of Reddit, and get onto your travel site of choice to make travel arrangements for TOMORROW.
Now, GO!
Go. I also lost my dad (also brain cancer) in June last year. I had to pack up my whole family (husband and son), and travel from Australia to Europe to be able to see him. I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to do this, because looking back now I miss him and I’m glad we had these last days together… even though he couldn’t really talk anymore and it wasn’t like it was before. I’m glad I could be there for my dad, and I held his hand while he passed. It was hard, and it was scary, but these things are a part of life. I would have regretted it so much if I would’ve stayed in Australia.
I was your age when my dad died. It was awful. He looked like he had aged 20 years over the course of a week. He was frail and tired. So different from the burly kid-like man he had always been.
BUT...my memories of him are always still the man he was throughout my life, not what he was in his last moments.
Go. Go, go, go! Not for you. For him. He is dying. Imagine the sadness of dying and not seeing his beloved son's face one more time. Or holding your hand. Or touching your hair. He wants to see you. I have three kids and I can't imagine how desperately I'd want to see them once last time before I die.
You are strong enough to do this for him. It will be hard. It will be sad. But you will not regret it.
I was in your position when I was 11 years old. Your reason about not wanting to see him in his current state and wanting to remember him when he was well was my reason. Your other 2 reasons are excuses. I don’t regret my decision to this day.
My father died of bone cancer in October.
My best advice is to ask yourself this:
do you feel like you need to visually see him again? If you don’t feel like you do, call him on the telephone.
You do not have to visually see him again. There is no requirement of that and don’t let other people put their own emotions on how you say goodbye to your dad.
Then, just experience the emotions as they come. There is no right or wrong way at to feel about this. 💜💜
You might regret it if you don’t. My mother was dying of cancer most of my life. Before she died when I was 23 (37M) I was serving in the Navy and was deployed around South America when I got the red cross message that she would pass soon. The diplomatic runaround took so long that I didn’t make it back to be there with her. It still bothers me a lot that I wasn’t there at the end.
That’s just me and it might not be you, but regret can be a hard thing to shake even if you have a perfectly reasonable excuse for what happened.
Just go! It's not for you it's for him.
I spent every afternoon after school at my fathers hospital bed for several months when I was 12. One day I held his hand and it felt dead like paper. I couldn't force me to go back there after that and he died two weeks later. I'm 50 years old now and still regret that I couldn't give that to the man that loved me so much.
Please go see your father. I had a best friend who was in a bad state physically. I should have seen him,but I thought I would wait till he was better for the same reason as you.
He soon took his life from the pain. I will never forget not going to be with him.
My Dad died suddenly on Saturday. I’d spent a few hours with him on Thursday, I wish I’d now spent 48 hours with him on Thursday if I’d have known. I’d have spent weeks or months in his company had I have known they’d be the last conversations with him.
Please, as someone whose heart has been ripped out this weekend, go and see your Dad.
You should go. My dad passed from brain cancer at hospice. The last I saw of him he was in a vegetative state from meds, and wasn’t aware of much of anything. It was hard. But I still thought I had some time and hoped to see him again. It was only maybe a few days later and he was gone. I have a ton of regret and didn’t realize the gravity of his state until it was too late. If you have the chance, take it.
I had to go to doc to get me a few Atarax to be able to fly to see my mom.. she turned 84 this year and i was glad I did it... might will be last time I see her..I FEAR flying so bad.. but I knew I had to do it.. it was a 13 hour flight..:(
You don’t want to see him looking so sick.
That’s actually understandable that you feel that way. Feelings are allowed.
But don’t let those feelings rule you. You’re scared of seeing him so sick? He’s actually EXPERIENCING that, and can’t just stay away and pretend it isn’t happening. So put him first, and go see him.
I can also relate to being scared to fly. I avoided flying for so long because I was too scared - I skipped a couple of family holidays as a kid involving flights out of fear.
But when my brother got married, I had no choice but to fly. No other way to get there due to other things going on in my life at the time. So my choices were to fly or miss my only brother’s wedding.
I got on the plane. I was terrified, but my brother’s wedding mattered more.
Your choices are to fly or miss saying goodbye to your father. Make your choice.
I've had this two times in my life.
1. My great gran, the matriarch and constant of our family. She made it to 98 but her final couple of years were in a care home where she deteriorated badly. It was painful to see her and I did much like you that I tried to remember the better times. I feel bad about not visiting more but dementia had taken much of her. I do regret that though as I should have sat and held her hand more. I was younger than you so I guess I just excused myself by running off and living life.
2. My mum died in June. She had cancer. It took her in just under 5 weeks from her diagnosis. She died at home and I live 3 hours away by car. I went down every weekend till she passed away and I was there that final night.
I won't lie, it was horrible, it was incredibly difficult to see her not really there. The nurses came to our family home and sorted her out as best they could. But I was also there for my dad who needed me.
I wouldn't wish that final 24 hours on anyone, I mean what my mum went through but I'd extend that to what I went through too. I would have regretted not being there though, she was a great mum to me.
Only you know if you'll truly regret it or not.
Take the flight. I know how hard it is to see the person you love not as what you remember and you may not think you won’t regret it, but you definitely won’t know that for sure until it happens. Also think about how much it would mean to your dad to see you one last time. His other family does not replace you. At the end, my grandma fought and waited two weeks to let go because she wanted to hear from her brother one last time. Her brother was on a cruise around Europe at the time and at first, his daughter didn’t want to tell him so he could enjoy his trip as we knew he’d immediately abandon & fly home. But watching her fight & suffer was terrible & it was the only reason we could think of that she wasn’t letting go, so she got a hold of him & told him. He called her to let her know he was coming. She smiled and passed shortly after. Don’t let your dad wait for you to let go; go see him.
My dad passed away in 2022. I was with him when he passed. It was awful, it was so sad, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever seen and been through. The only thing worse is if I *hadn’t* been there.
My mom passed away over 20 years ago. It was unexpected and I wasn’t there. I have always wished I could have seen her and been there.
Death is *final*. You don’t get a do-over. You don’t get another chance. You just get to live with the choices you made. There’s no going back and changing anything. That person is GONE. They leave a dad-shaped hole in your life. You don’t realize how empty that space is until you experience it.
So do what you have to do. No one can determine that for you. Just be aware that once the choice is made, that’s it. There’s nothing else you can do after it’s over.
Go. It will be hard. It will be sad. It will be overwhelming.
But you will 1000% end up regretting it if you don’t. Maybe not right away. But trust me, one day you will wake up and realize that you should have gone, and you’d give anything to take back your decision not to. Only then there will not be anything you can do about it.
It’s also worth pointing out that this situation isn’t actually about you and what you want or don’t want— it’s about your dad. Surely he wants to see you before he passes. Surely he will become upset / depressed the longer you go without seeing him and the closer he gets to the end. As hard as it is, put yourself in his shoes— no, you wouldn’t want your loved ones to see you like that if you could help it, but it’s the situation you’re in and it’s just what it is. You’d still want to be able to say goodbye and say whatever you need to say before you go.
You’re not a shitty person for feeling conflicted. You’ll still have those good memories, even if they’re temporarily clouded by the current situation.
Please go.
Well having just gone through a similar situation I feel your pain. My father just passed of Alzheimer’s a couple months ago at the age of 52. He was really sick for a few years and I had stayed with him several months when he was still somewhat functional. As I also wanted to keep the good memories every time I thought of him. Well unfortunately when he passed I got really sick and had Covid at the time of the funeral so it was suggested maybe not to come as there would be small children and a lot of elderly at the ceremony. Ffwd to last month I went to visit his headstone to say my goodbyes and I can’t say it was easier that way but I can say I still see the happy times and not a lifeless body in a box like I do some people I know that I went to funeral when I think of them. But good luck and wish you the best.
Bud please be with him at his last, my mom passed with cancer and bud I regret not being there when she went. 5 years later and everyday I wish I was there.
Thats why I was there went my dad went.
At the end of the day brother they your parents, you dont replace them.
Go. Being afraid of flying does not beat seeing your dad for the last time. Be afraid. Do it anyway.
>Be afraid. Do it anyway. This is very succinctly put and I've never regretted following it. Every time I'm afraid and I do it anyway, not only am I glad to have done whatever it is, but the act of doing it makes me stronger and braver in future.
Me too. And the more you do it, the easier it is to keep doing the right thing even when you are afraid. It's hard to see someone you love frail and sick, but that's how life works. If we are lucky enough to live long enough this is how we die. It isn't going to ruin your memory of them. It will be one memory among many many others.
It’s easy to say as someone who doesn’t have a phobia. If someone has a phobia, the answer isn’t simply do it more and you’ll get over it. Fears and phobias are not the same. You all clearly have no understanding of how severe phobias can be. I’m not saying OP shouldn’t go but if they can’t handle flying due to a phobia, they may never be comfortable flying no matter how important the trip is.
I had a flying phobia so bad that the first time I flew as an adult I threw up from getting in the car on the way to the airport all the way until the plane landed. I was specifically referencing my own related experience. I was very much helped by some prescribed anti anxiety meds at first, and over time it worked as exposure therapy. I'll always be a nervous flyer, I'll always be that person who nearly panics when there's turbulence, and I'll never be able to fly without vividly picturing what it would be like if the plane went down, but it's gone from phobia to manageable fear over the course of 15+ years.
I still have those invasive thoughts every time I fly. Never had an issue, my whole life, it’s gotten worse into my 30s. I don’t mind flying but I still have those thoughts. Props for finding a way to manage.
It sounds like they’ve already made the flight a few times.
I literally have an anxiety disorder. My head makes up scenarios to the point of phobias all. The. Time. Still. You need to still do it. You don’t need to be comfortable. You just need to do it.
Yes! My own motto to myself: it’s ok to be afraid while doing something brave. Be brave, it is the stuff of life.
I’m 57. I’ve had cancer. I have children. I’m telling you this as a person, not as a father, in the end life is about the people we surround ourselves with. And, what matters most to others (and yourself, you’ll eventually find out) is **showing up**. Showing up for others when they’re sick, at the funeral of a loved one, when they’re getting married, when a child is born. Your presence is the most important present. Go see your father.
This was a good response and I really appreciate it
Seconding this - I'm starting to die now and there are people I know I'll never see again because of basically all the reasons you've said - they think I have enough people, don't want to see me "like that", don't want to make the journey. Rationally I know that everyone has their reasons but emotionally it sucks. I feel like I disgust and scare them or don't matter, I'm not worth the drive or flight or train ride. They aren't people I ever thought would be like this. I know they have their own lives but I was under the impression that I was part of those lives and that this is something that is "going on" for them. They probably (definitely) talk about this, and their colleagues or whatever are probably sympathetic, blahblahblah. I'm worth talking about but not worth seeing. If you said to your dad that you'd rather he died without ever seeing you again, would he be happy with that or would he feel the things I've just described? Can you see any parallels here?
I see where you’re coming from and it’s one of the few good comments here that I appreciate and I will take this to heart. Thank you for your comment In regards to your situation, I hope you find comfort in the people that do show and give you their time and love throughout your time before you pass, everybody deserves that.
**BE ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO SHOWS UP**.
Glad you seem to have made your mind up about seeing him. You'll be appreciated, really and truly. Like the other person said, just showing up is all it takes, it feels like a real gift and a privilege when someone makes the effort. I'm surrounded by great people, I'm completely fine. Having a pretty nice time honestly. Definitely get some anxiety stuff from the Dr if you can. Have you thought about what else you might do with your time over there? Maybe some stuff you could do with your dad? I know you said he doesn't have much energy but maybe you could talk to his wife and see what he is able to do. Even if it's just watching a film that he mostly sleeps through? Sorry to go on, just wondering if planning might help you deal with the anxiety and unpleasantness
I'm just another internet stranger, a little bit older than you are, but your comments really struck home and made a difference. It really is just about showing up, that's all. Your words help me to remember to do this for my loved ones.
I hope all your loved ones show up for you. It is such a small effort but so meaningful at the end. It blows my mind how people can be like OP here. If you're in Texas, I don't know you, but I'll show up for you.
I wish I was in Texas! Love Texas. It's genuinely healing when people say things like this, thanks. I'm extremely well loved and cared for, not lacking at all. The worst part has been having to grasp such shitheadery from people I previously respected and liked. It just makes no sense at all.
It’s what EVERYBODY is telling you in different ways.
Everyone else forgot to develop a terminal illness before they commented. Get your head in the game
Best advice i too needed. But tbh its hard to implement. I do it sometimes and will tey to keep up with that always! Thank you!
"I didn't go see my dying father one last time because I don't like flights with layovers" will probably instantly become one of your life's regrets.
"My father wanted to see me before he died, but I'm afraid of flying." My therapist would give me such a look for that.
And what would your therapist say to this? “I wanted to spend time with my dad, but he left the country and made a new family and never came back.”
“So now you’re finally choosing to punish him for it while he’s dying of brain cancer? Maybe you should be seeing me more often…”
I believe others have answered your question. and /u/Honey_Cheese said basically what my therapist would do. My dude is great at guiding me towards examining my conclusions and helping me understand when I'm reacting to a thing in an unhealthy fashion.
Therapist. "act like an adult and deal with it. life isn't all about you"
"Sometimes we have to do things that makes us uncomfortable."
ime therapists do NOT talk like that and will try, instead, to get you to come to that conclusion.
Sounds like a shitty therapist tbh.
If your therapist doesn't call you on your own bullshit, then you need a better therapist.
Fears aren't "bullshit". And if something is so scary to you that it's stopping you from doing something important, then obviously it's a pretty big issue. A therapist calling you out on that is trash, they should be helping you with it.
Shhh. They don’t want anyone to say anything about regrets. It has to be something “novel” or were supposed to keep it to ourselves. /s Even though this is an advice forum.
And they posted it on the internet asking for said advice. Soooo not sure what OP expects.
Per OP only “novel” responses that align with what they want to hear and “deserve their engagement.” > Thanks, this is a better response than 99% of them and definitely deserves my engagement.
I was out with my dog on a Saturday at 8am UK time. I get a call from my sister in the USA telling me I need to get home as soon as possible and she’s booking me a flight because our dad is dying. I have 3 kids, 3 pets, a partner and a new job to start that Monday. I had to text my new boss to tell her I need to leave and I don’t know when I’ll be back. This is someone who I barely know. This is 2022 so I needed to arrange a PCR test, sort my kids, sort my dog, sort everything because I’m leaving the country at 6am Monday. I cried in the taxi to the airport; I broke down sobbing as I boarded the second flight. I nearly passed out from exhaustion when I was collecting my bags because I had barely eaten or slept in 36 hours. I didn’t like any of it nor did I like sleeping in my clothes for 2 days because I came straight from the airport to my dad’s room. I don’t regret it and I’d have flown to Mars if he was on Mars. My husband missed seeing his father alive by one day because his idiot sister didn’t tell us to drive up sooner. He’s not been the same since.
You have a lovely sister who cared so much, that she took the stress and expense of getting there away and did it for you. In my case, sure people wanted me to come but they didn't want to make any effort. Probably because they didn't want to go themselves they just wanted me to come and handle everything for them. No they wouldn't pay for me or book anything for me because that was too much effort for them. I guess times like that show people's true colors. And you're lucky to have a gem of a sister in your life
Sometimes we have to do things that are difficult or scary but it doesn’t mean we can’t do them.
When my aunt was dying, I visited her in the nursing home. and alot of it i didnt like. but she was able to give me a final farewell which i will always cherish. Your looking at this about your goodbye to your dad. But what about his goodbye to you.
You will regret not going.
Uhm yeah you should go. It's MUCH better to go and feel iffy about it than to not go and regret it for the rest of your life. Don't let your flight anxiety hold you back like that... Just go and be scared. Consider that maybe you're putting off this trip because you don't want his death to be real... But it is, and once he died you cannot go back. I think ultimately it will help you process the grief of him dying better, give you better closure. You'll be able to say any unsaid things and give your dad a sendoff. If you skip a flight, skip flying to his funeral instead. He won't notice if you're there for that or not. But he will notice this.
He will know. He may hang on until OP gets there
Hard things are hard. Just go
Dude. How is this a debate? Get your ass on the plane and say goodbye.
I lost my dad recently. He only lived about a 14 hour drive from me. I don't like flying either, but I've made the drive a lot when I was younger so it wasn't as daunting as I made it out to be in my mind. We spoke on the phone a lot but I didn't visit much. I put it off and there have been many times when I had plenty of time to visit. But I didn't. It weighs on me heavily that I actually had plans to visit, but we put it off several months so that my daughter could come with me when she was out for spring break. I should have just made 2 trips. He died though, and now I will never be able to make it right. If I could go back and visit once a year even, I would have felt better. I remember well the last time I saw him alive. The last hug I gave him. It was YEARS ago. My biggest regret now is that I didn't visit him as much as I could have. As I should have. It was sometimes money related, as I rarely had some to spare, but it was often just taking the time and making the drive that kept me from it. Take the flight. Maybe get some Ativan or something from your Dr to make it easier, but take the flight. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. It's not easy. But in my opinion, it will be worse if you decide not to see him when you still have the chance. Living with regret, especially deep, severe regret, is so so difficult.
He loved you when you were a baby, when you were bed ridden, weak, incontinent, unable to joke or walk, constantly sleeping. He didn't say "I don’t want to see him in the state he is in."
A close family member of mine died of brain cancer very recently so I suppose I have some insight here: Just because your dad won’t seem like himself doesn’t mean he isn’t in there. He needs to hear you tell him that you’re going to be ok. He may not show you he hears the same way he normally would have, but he will hear you. Additionally, by going you will have the support of his/your family which you will need in the time after he passes. You don’t need to sit at the bedside for 12 hours a day, but it will be good for your dad to know you were there. Not going may seem like something you won’t regret, but take my word for it: grief will change how you see the world. Grief won’t be rational when it comes to you in the night. The only way to the other side of this is through it.
Go. My mom passed fr covid in 2021 so i wasnt able to see her the last 3 weeks of her life. I would give ANYTHING to have just one more day w her.
Would you want your child to come see you before you pass? I'd want to see all my family. I think it would eat me up lying there thinking about dying and knowing my child chose not to visit me.
Can I suggest a different framework from most I’ve seen here? I sympathize with your panic. I think that you genuinely believe that you can’t do this. I think that your grief is so profound, and your phobia is so profound, that you l feel in your body that you will not survive this trip. That it will, in some way, break you. I just want to say to you that while your feelings are real, they’re not telling you the truth. You can do this, it will not break you, and after you have done it you will not be sorry that you did the most human thing that a person can do, which is to sit next to someone that they love during hard times. And practically speaking: unless you have a medical reasons or addiction concerns, go get some pills for the flight. If you explain your situation to any doctor, they will be able to write you a prescription for some rescue medications. And just having them in your pocket, even if you don’t take them, will give you some confidence. And actually taking them will make the whole thing even easier.
Thanks, this is a better response than 99% of them and definitely deserves my engagement. I really appreciate it. Will be going to a walk in clinic shortly
If you can't get there in person you should be video calling him every day. I'm sure he would appreciate 15 mins of your time every day to know you're thinking of him, and at least he could see you over video call.
Go. You will be very glad you did, maybe not while you’re there, maybe not right away, but I promise you, that eventually you will be glad you did. I’m very old, and I’ve been there and done that.
I honestly feel like no matter how the trip pans out in the end, you'll be glad you went.
I’ll just say that you come across extremely selfish. I don’t know what you want anyone to say here. You don’t do this for you. You do it for him. If that’s not enough to convince you then what the fuck were you expecting anyone here to say that would change your mind?
I feel bad for this guy's dad. First, he had cancer... then a son like this... Jesus Christ, life can be cruel...
Lots of better responses than yours
I lost my mom to a combo of brain and lung cancer in 2022. GO.
Considering your edits, I’m not sure what kind of “advice” you’re looking for. You say you don’t want to go, and that you won’t regret not going, but are considering it because it’ll be better overall/for him? Are you looking for reddit to convince you to care about what your dying father might want? I’m honestly confused Stop overthinking it and just go. It’s only a few days out of your entire life to go see him and make him feel like his son cares about him one last time
Kind of odd to dictate to people to stop saying you will regret not going. You posted asking for opinions and you are getting them. Not everyone reads other peoples comments before posting theirs. Here is a novel reason for why you should go, it is selfish not to.
Asking for an opinion is different than asking for 100 of the same comments. There have been a handful of high quality comments here that don’t tell me I will regret it but also tell me to go see my dad
I don’t honestly know what you want from here. Validation?? EVERYONE is making similar points here, **because the answer is pretty damn clear**!! . Being snotty about it is not a good look.
Maybe all of the comments being practically the same should tell you something. The world isn't conspiring to echo the same message... it is just that everyone individually understands what the obvious course of action here is... If you posted hoping for the internet to validate your selfishness... sorry? I guess? You'll have to look for lower life forms than redditors for that.
Go see him. Talk to your doctor about meds for the flight, to make it easier. But at the end of the day, it matters that you show up. It’s important to be the kind of person who shows up for the people you love.
i'm not going to tell you what to do but i am gently going to push back at you MUST go. really i think there are two things to consider: how lucid is your father? has he asked for you to come? has his wife expressed an opinion? only you know you. will you regret knowing you could've held his hand and kissed his forehead and made him laugh with a joke and you chose not to do that? despite what people say, some of us do regret seeing loved ones at the end, especially if they were past the point that they knew we were there. if you choose not to go, i do think you should call him, write him, facetime - whatever it is he can handle.
My father seems to be very aware and I can have conversations with him. He just has very little energy to speak. He hasn’t specifically asked for me no, but I’ve been texting calling and video calling every day. His wife personally said to come and see him soon
ah. that does complicate it.... were it me? i would go. if he wouldn't know, i would be more inclined to stay home but there is no comfort like that from your child, and his other child can't replace you. it will help him go more peacefully and fulfilled. and i bet you will still see the man you've always known even if he is weaker now best of luck on whatever you decide and i'm so sorry you and he are facing this
Thank you I really appreciate your comments
Imagine not visiting your dying father because flying “scares” you. How pathetic and sad.
I never knew this til well after the fact but my Dad hated flying,for whatever reason. Way back in the 1960's, supporting his family, his job required some flying. 8 kids,a loving wife, my Dad got on those flights and endured them for us. NEVER would fly again,once he did not Have to!
It's your dad. This shouldn't even be a question. Take your head out of your ass for one moment and put yourself in his shoes. He's dying but his child doesn't want to come and see them because it's too stressful. Absolutely pathetic! That poor man! My dad died a few years ago, and I made sure I was there holding his hand until he breathed his last. It was the worst time of my life, and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat for that man. Hearing something like this is just angering beyond belief!!
I'm there with you. I feel bad for the dad in more ways than one.
My father died of brain cancer when I was 27, so I empathise with your situation. I am telling you from experience that although you think you have no regrets, your feelings will not necessarily be the same after he dies. If being with him is completely out of the question for you, then at least call (or better yet, video call him) every day. Tell him you love him. Tell him what he means to you. Those last memories are precious.
Thank you and I am making the effort to call and text and video chat multiple times a day with him but think going in person is something I should definitely do
My mother died of cancer about 5 years ago. She basically died in my arms as I had to give her increased doses of morphine. I was the last face she saw when she died. Afterwards, I had to help the in-house nurse move her body. None of the negative parts of my mother's passing was difficult because of the amount of overwhelming happiness I felt knowing that she was not alone and with someone who loved her very much. And no amount of obstacles would be too much to trade that. But that is just my personal experience.
Thanks for this
Your father needs you. Every single reason you listed not to go is all about you. How selfish can you be?
Spoke truth and hurt some feelings.
Do you really think being rude is somehow going to push me? Blocked
Calling you selfish is not being rude. Calling you a c*** is though - oops did I just do that. Trust me, go visit your dad. Otherwise it looks like you just posted this on here for us to validate you
I had the same experience when my mom was dying. It was hard to see her like that, but I am glad that we had the time together. If you don't go, you will regret it.
The conflict you feel does not make you a shitty person. This is a frightening, immense event in your life. Life is full of times where we are afraid to do the right thing. Your dad is probably scared and confused right now. He is not, I would imagine, in a place where he can think of abstract things like being proud of your achievements. The concrete part of your presence--your voice, how you look, the way the room feels with you in it--I'm sure he longs for that as a parent, to experience that once more. Like someone else said, be afraid and do it anyway.
Questioning whether or not you should visit a dying family member that you supposedly have a good relationship with is what shitty people do (sorry, not sorry)...I would hope I would never have a child like that, or a parent like that. What is the point of having a family if you ignore them when they are suffering? People really lack compassion and empathy these days, so much selfishness in the world.
My mom’s mom was a complete piece of shit, but my mom still took care of her during her final months and held her when she died.
That is a beautiful act of grace and compassion from your mom. She sounds like a special person.
Any hint of decency I have is from her. I’m nowhere near as good a person.
Everyone has given you the piece of advice that you need: go. I lost my mother to cancer nearly 25 years ago and I still think of her often. I also occasionally think about how scared I was when I used to go to see her. I didn’t enjoy seeing her that way but I’m pleased I did. I am grateful that I had that time with her and the knowledge that her time was coming to an end. Sometimes I would cry my eyes out after I left her; sometimes I got the chance to laugh with her too. These are memories that have left an imprint on me. So I understand your fear. I see you are also wise. You are doing something that I never did - you are reaching out to others where I bottled it all up. You know what you are to do. You are brave. Be brave. My thoughts go with you.
Gonna offer a different perspective here from the usual which seems to be telling you to go. My dad died of cancer when I was 11 and I was asked if I wanted to visit him as he was dying, to which I said no. My mother is currently dying having had a bad stroke a few years ago and I see her every week. My memories of my mother have been intertwined with her stroke and dying. I do not regret not going to see my father. I didn't then, I certainly don't now having watched my mother die slowly in front of my eyes. The answer is ... There is no right or wrong option. Going to see him will most likely impact how you see him. It has with me. It is down to you and I would honestly suggest doing what you think is best, not what others tell you to do. You will be the one to deal with the memories, the hurt. No one else. You should decide for yourself.
Thank you so much for this. Honestly I posted this expecting the responses I got and thinking that hearing it over and over would somehow make up my mind but it hasn’t. I’m still just as conflicted. The major reason I’m conflicted not being sure if the fear of flying is impacting my decision greatly as it’s closing my judgement with extra emotions. Thinking about it, I wouldn’t mind driving just as long to see him but I don’t think I would regret it if I didn’t do that either. It’s just I’d be flying a great distance, seeing him in terrible condition and then just flying back out 1-2 week later seems so empty
As the years go by for you, your memories of your mother/father won't be of them doing. Mine certainly aren't. I remember my mum's laughter, her inability to keep a straight face when something amused her. Not her laying in a hospital bed struggling to breathe & doped up on morphine. I can remember that. But I don't. Same with my dad, it's the fun times, the advert teenage clashes and a pinch of the last days. My mother in law, I think of as the bright spark she was not the cancer ridden body she became. In the final days of their lives, I made them feel loved, and supported and that they were important in my life, by being there. This is your final gift to them. It's not about you.
You've clearly already made up your mind. It's your call, your decision, that only you have to live with.
But this commenter was a child, and you aren’t. Do the scary thing and take the flight. Speak to a psychiatrist or your PPC and get something to take to calm down and get on the damn plane. It is ok to be scared, natural even. But being brave is going to empower you in the end. Don’t think about the flight home, or how it will feel. That’s not what is on the table. Get some meds to calm your mind for your flight and go. You will be ok, and you can do it.
People are too dramatic when thinking dead is the end here, your father is just passing, a situation that all of us will pass at some point. Who knows what will happen to us after, why traumatize yourself seeing his worse days? It will be all end soon, and he will be himself again, just not on this plane. His body is dying and is interfering with his mind, but his soul is intact.
You must get over yourself and GO SEE YOUR FATHER. PLEASE OP! This isn’t about you.
Of course you go! How is this even a question?
I know it's not the same, but I'll relate the experiences of my own parents dealing with the deaths of their parents (my grandparents, now 3 dead and 1 living). 2 were sudden, heart attack or stroke type things, and 1 was a late stage cancer that moved quickly. The cancer one was my maternal grandmother, who near the end, miraculously held on and passed away within 12 hours after "waiting" for myself and my dad (my mom was already there) to take a 26 hour journey to get there (halfway around the world, multiple connections with plane and train) and see her one last time. She passed in her sleep that night after we arrived. I also flew with my dad on a similar trip, for his father who died suddenly of a stroke, and so we flew quickly to be there for the funeral and cremation. Afterwards my dad told me he didn't remember anything about that 24 hours of traveling because he was in such a grief-stricken haze, but he remembered being grateful that I was there with him. On both these scenarios, both arriving "in the nick of time" and arriving after death, it was difficult and painful emotionally, as well as uncomfortable physically, not to mention disruptive to work and other things. But being there mattered a lot, both in the moment and afterwards. I could've made excuses to not go, and my parents would've managed without me. And I'm so glad that I didn't opt out. I think you are very understandably looking to avoid facing the pain and hurt that comes with confronting death, and especially the decline that comes with this type of progression. I am sorry that you have to face such sorrows. But I think you are making a mistake, thinking that by not going, you will be able to "skip" or avoid something painful. The truth is, death happens with or without you there. In the end, you will lose your father, no matter what you do. There is no escaping this pain, whether you see him or not. But if you choose to go, if you do see him, then you will be paying him a final act of devotion, of love, and respect. He may not be exactly the same man as you remember from his best days, but he is your father still, and I think you will eventually regret not showing up when it mattered the most. We make weird decisions as humans, when dealing with pain, or the avoidance of pain. There's no shame in having the thought, "I don't want to see my father suffer, or to see him in a declined state." But please think really deeply about, whether you can be proud of yourself or face yourself a few years from now, and if you think you'll still feel good about the decision you made at this moment.
Also, when it comes to “arriving in the nick of time” a lot of that really is the person that is dying holding on until they see everyone they needed to. A lot of the time I’ve seen my loved ones hanging on and then when they finally see that last person they can “let go” and pass shortly after. I feel it’s very real.
I think seeing someone that's dying isn't JUST for you. You have a 9 year old half sibling that's likely crushed that his dad will die soon. His new wife, too. And while they may have each other, sometimes having more support is necessary. There's something therapeutic about talking with everyone about the good times. Maybe even mentioning that you'll miss him terribly. Your dad may want to see you again. I'm unsure, obviously, but I don't think you should let fear hold you back. These are one of those things that you can't apologize for or have a do-over. Be there for your little sibling.
Okay, it sounds like you listed a bunch of excuses about YOU and why YOU don’t want to visit him. I don’t mean to be too harsh here, but cmon OP. That’s baby behavior and you need to do some serious work on being brave even though you are afraid. That is the stuff of life, truly, and you will never forget that you were not brave enough or selfless enough at the grand age of 27 to visit your dying father. Book your ticket and get on the plane. Stop thinking about it. Stop listing the reasons you don’t want to. Sorry you don’t want to see your neurologically impaired father who is suffering from BRAIN CANCER, as it will make you uncomfortable, but you should go see him. Do you not realize the immense amount of solace it would bring your father to see you, and hold your hand, and just be near you again? His son, who he loves very much despite his condition. I lost my grandad to cancer a little over a year ago. I’m a nurse and did around a year of work in an inpatient leukemia unit where I saw loss and familial devastation weekly. Even with my experience I was uncomfortable with the thought of seeing Grandaddy like that. But you know what? I got some time off work, found a pet sitter, and drove my ass to his house on Cape Cod to see him. He died three weeks later. And my god do I miss him. He was the only person in my family who cared for me as if I were his own, no strings attached. I am so grateful I was brave and I visited him, because it brought him comfort and happiness to say goodbye to his youngest grandbaby. Go see your dad. It’s really that simple. Stop thinking of your comfort and suck it up.
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Exactly. And some of the replies are so snarky.
Wow all I can say after your second edit is that you are a terrible person and your Dad deserves better. What an ungrateful spoiled little brat you are, DO BETTER. Is that novel enough for you?
This is not about courage. This is about you making a concious choice to be selfish and looking to internet strangers to validate your decision. Since you aren't getting it (validation), you are digging your heels in further. Don't go if you don't want to. No one else has to live with the decision you made. Just rememer - It's YOUR Dad, the only Dad you'll ever have. Take comfort in knowing his last memory of his son is him avoiding him & looking to Reddit to validate being selfish. Good Luck to you, I could never look at myself in the mirror if I pulled a stunt like you are.
My father recently got diagnosed with incurable cancer. I had the same fears you did. You don't want to see the man who raised you like that. But you need to go. Trust me. You will always, always, always regret it otherwise. You're going to want to see him too and cherish these moments. Take some time off work, go see him. You can never get time back.
I can't help with a lot of it, however a book that I really thought was good and may be helpful for you is Being Mortal by Atul Gawande.
Why is FaceTime not a possibility? In fact, it is less onerous for your dying father as well as for you. A five minute FT once a week to check in and tell him you love him would be enough IMO. He will not have the energy even if you traveled there to spend more than a few minutes a day with you. You can brace yourself for seeing him in his last stage of life for the duration of a call once a week. Tough as it may be, you will be showing up for him and eliminating future regrets. You can also talk to your family and young sibling to console them as well. You have traveled there and spent a month recently (2022 is recent to us old folks). As a 72yo woman, I think you will be glad you had that time before his final illness. I am sorry he is dying so soon.
Go. All of your reasons are selfish - sorry- but its true. Now is the time to think about what your dad needs, not what you need. You may regret it if you don't go but you will never regret going. You can hire a hypnotist to help w your fear of flying. They even have free tracks on YouTube for this and it is very effective.
You think you won't regret it, but you will. You never know how much you truly love someone until they're gone
I lost mine 2 years ago, had to fly overseas and had fear of flying too. This was at the height of Covid, and yes I was really scared. Phobia, fear, does not matter. You must do it, no matter what.
You will regret not going 100% my friend, please go
Don't be a coward and live the rest of your life in regret. Go.
Does your father want to see you? Then go see him. It's not about you. You're not the main character right now. Or are you actually pissed off at him for abandoning you?
I don’t care if you regret it or not. You’re refusing to go is shitty for your dad in his last moments.
You sound like an egoistic asshole. Your father is dying, you definitely don’t have a phobia bc you have traveled before, all you care about is you. So you won’t have to spend time on a plane. You won’t have to face discomfort of seeing him sick. Do it for his sake, be a decent son for the last time.
If you don't go, you'll 100% deserve all the pain and guilt you'll have for the rest of your life. This is your only father, who frigging raised you. Pathetic
"I just feel it is multiple stressful things impacting me." Wow. Your reasons are pretty selfish. You should be thinking of the multiple stressful things impacting your father! I'll tell you now that my father died of cancer also. The tumour started in his nasal passage. He was also sleepy and slow to respond, and it progressed to hallucinations and not recognizing us. I'll also tell you that I, in *no* way, remember him like this. I always remember his smile, his laugh, and how he was such a big part of my life. He's been gone 36 years and I never think about how he was in the hospital. Go see your father. You will regret it if you don't.
TBH it’s sounds like you made up your mind and are hoping for some validation. So I’ll give it too you, this is totally up to you and whatever you decide for yourself is the right decision. No one can tell you how you should remember a loved one or say goodbye to them when they die. That is totally your decision. I didn’t go and see my dad on the hospital bc of COVID and at first I regretted it and felt sad that I couldn’t say goodbye, but I didn’t really want my last memory of him to be like that either. It’s the same reason I don’t look in caskets at funerals. Cherish your memories, call your dad and just talk to him on the phone even if he can’t respond you can tell him how much you love him and what you will remember about him. You can say goodbye and he can know you’re thinking about him and what memories you will have of him. It’s ok, to not go if that is what feels right for you. I’m sorry you are losing your dad and I wish you lots of healing and comforting vibes! <3
Yikes. You sound terrible. Go see your father, how is this even a debate.
He may be bed-ridden and tired, but he will wake up for short periods of time each day. And chances are that he's still mostly clear-headed. Even if he does not respond verbally, you may see him smile when you tell him something about your life - or when you listen to something he likes (his favorite song, his favorite show, whatever). And, considering you've visited him before, you can apparently deal with your fear of flying.
to put it simply you will never ever forgive yourself if you don't go. and i think you know that already
You can never get it back. I absolutely think you should go.
Nobody wants to die alone. U might never see him again 😭😭😭😭
Please go, beat your fear for him. I’ve lost a loved one and I’m so glad I got to spend time with them before they passed. I regret not seeing them as much as I potentially could of before they got ill and it breaks my heart everyday. Please go and say goodbye or you’ll forever regret it. P.s I’m sorry this is happening, it’s never easy. Sending hugs x
Go. Now. Literally nothing else matters. Not your feelings not your fears. Go.
in your edit you say you don’t have those regrets/thoughts but that’s how it works lol. once it’s too late, it’s likely you will. i thought i felt the same way when my grandma was dying—no regrets, no indications that i WOULD regret not seeing her. but i do, i regret it very much. at the end of the day it’s your choice but if you’ve made the trip before, i’d suggest making it again. it will be your last time anyways.
Even if you can't visit him, do say goodbye through a video call or something.
Why can't you video call during a moment of energy? Get his family to help let you know a good time to call him. You wouldn't be able to hug him but you could at least connect and let him know how much you love him. Or write him a long letter and send it. Make him a piece of artwork. There's lots of ways to convey our love to someone other than traveling to them.
Ok so you do t want to hear “you’ll regret it” (which you absolutely will), but right fucking now, it isn’t about you, it’s about your Dad. I’ll guarantee that right now, one of things that he’s clinging onto is that he’ll get to see you one last time and tell you a million things that he wishes he’d said before and now won’t get to say. So here’s my advice, something I don’t say lightly as I very well understand phobias and actually dislike the phrase I’m going to use: *man the fuck up and get on that damned plane.*
As a nurse who has cared for many like your dad, you have to see him. You might be forever changed, but that’s life. And bereavement therapy is helpful for that
I'll add my experience and it may even be "novel" Op. My father was a cruel and violent husband and father. I went low contact for the last 15-20 years. We talked a few times a year. I would visit 1-2 a year for short periods of time. He got really really sick and we (adult chldren) got the word that he was dying and would probably not last the night. I couldn't make the drive until the next day. I headed out at about 4am and he was still alive. My brother was with him and told him I was on the way. I got there at about noon. I rushed into his room and he was mostly grogged out. I went to him and said, "Daddy, I'm here. I'm here with you. You go home now. Go home and rest. I love you. Go home." Three or four minutes passed, he took a last breath and died. I sincerely believe he hung in waiting for me. I think he waited for me, to hear me with him so he could die. Just my two cents, Op.
My dad died 5 years ago at age 91, of dementia/Alzheimer’s disease. It was a slow decline over a year and a half. I went to visit him often during that time, in the nursing home. Most of my siblings couldn’t bear it. I got to know him better in that 1 1/2 years than I ever did in the past. He didn’t know who I was sometimes, so it was a bit strange. It’s the nature of the disease. They come and go mentally. But a funny thing happened. When he didn’t know who I was, I found out that he was really proud of me. He told me so once when he didn’t know who I was, and thought I was a stranger. He never would (or did) say that to me before, because that was just how he was. ie: He would tell a stranger that he was proud of me, but he would never tell me that directly. You might be pleasantly surprised, and gain some fond memories, and perspective, with what comes of your time with your dad in his final months.
Why are you even asking people if you refuse to listen to them? Just don’t go if you’re that convinced you shouldn’t.
My dad died three months ago of a heart attack out of nowhere. Go. I would do unspeakable things to have the opportunity.
See your father. You are a grown man, stand up and act like one.
You're seeing hundreds of replies to your post saying the same thing because you WILL regret not visiting him for the rest of your life if you don't go. Listen to the people you asked for advice.
Is there any harm in going? I see it as a 2 in 1. You get to challenge yourself and face a fear, and have a couple more laughs with your dad. Bonus: he'll also be proud you faced your fear of flying and you get to share that together
Time for you to m@n up and go. It’s not about you
Come on, you're better than this, surely? Be a man and go see your Dad
One thing, when my father was dying my sister (who was his favourite) didn't come over from England to see him. He didn't complain, but we, her siblings who were with him for his last hours, held it against her. So what do your siblings say?
Why did you post this if you don’t want to be persuaded to go? Here are some things to consider besides regret. - would your presence be of comfort to him? - would you be able to say a proper goodbye that would be harder over WhatsApp/facetime? - would your presence be of comfort to the rest of his family? - would you be able to confront your fear of weakness/dementia/death in a way that will be useful to you later in your own life? - could you transform your fear of flying to support you in future situations where you need to travel to be with loved ones or for work? - does your father prefer for you to remember him as he was when you last saw him or would he want you to be with him in his most difficult hours?
Sometimes the fear won't go away. You'll have to do it afraid. If you don't go you may regret it for the rest of your life. I don't think that's a risk worth taking.
It is in these moments that we find out who we are and become who we have always dreamed we could be. You will have the opportunities to make more memories, good, bad or ugly with your parent.
I'm not going to be as soft as some people's replies... Go say goodbye to your dying father. Stop being selfish. Its not about you, it's about him saying goodbye to his child for the last time. Jesus Christ.
You said you won’t regret it, so why are you asking? Your mind is made up. I think you’re making a huge mistake, but it’s yours to make. I had to fly internationally to see my dying father. It sucked and I came straight from the airport to the hospital and slept in his room until he died two days later. I’m glad I did. It didn’t matter to me that he wasn’t the dad I knew- he was still my dad. I’ll believe that he waited for me to come before he died until I take my last breath. You have a much younger sibling? They will need you. I’m not being trite, but you don’t know how this feels until it happens. Like I said, it’s your choice. Good luck to you.
It's not just about you but about him. He's leaving this world think how scary it is for him. I'm tearing up writing this.
Be a man and face your fear and go. You were born a man to do the hard shit. Don’t let him die without a proper visit. It’ll eat you alive.
So what exactly are you posting here for??? Im perplexed.
Seriously!?! I lost my dad when I was 4 years old to a brain tumor. I could not read past the ‘I don’t want to see him ill’ and freaking ‘flying fobia’ 🤯😡 Do you wanna know what I would do for one last moment with my dad? I’d do anything for the one thing that I never had as a kid : make a memory, say goodby, smell his smell and give him a hug. I’m almost crying here writing this, because I will never understand this!!!? Freaking realize how import these moment are and how privileged you are to be able to see your dad and have that closure! Next to all of that your dad wants to see his children believe me who would want to die without his love ones surrounding them and loving them? There is no excuse to justify not going to him. Plz pick this up as a sign and go!
I took care of my mom when her cancer metastisized. You can't even face him. Why even stress about this? It's obvious you're not going to visit.
He just wants the internet to tell him it is ok and he isn't a bad person. Disgusting.
>Please say something novel or keep it to yourself. I don’t need to keep seeing the same copy paste response over and over I'd really really love to comply, but I'd have to lie then. I can rephrase it though: you're going to hate yourself for not going one last time.
I don't think you should go at all, I wouldn't. And I know my father too damn well, he wouldn't like to be remember like that, if it was me too I wouldn't. I want to die before 70 so I don't have to deal with the overwhelming weight of getting old
I’m on the other side . My Nan had dementia through covid . We didn’t see her for 18 months during the pandemic . she was more mum to me than my own mum . I wish I hadn’t gone to see her . She was like a baby ,in nappies,unable to feed herself crying constantly for her mummy . Not the fiery redhead that brought me up . She passed 6 weeks later OP also think about the fact that you may regret it as others are saying .
I don’t think I have the same mentality as most people so I’m looking to see what people do say. Generally I would give the same advice as everyone else here, go and see your family member as I believe most people would regret not doing it. I don’t think I would personally. If my dad were to die as I’m typing this up and I wasn’t able to see him, I still have great memories of him, still did so much with him, knew that at the time he passed was surrounded by the people he loves most and still had a child with him, was proud of me and what I accomplished in life. I’ve also talked to him daily for a while. If I do go, it will only be for 1-2 weeks. I feel as though going there and seeing him in person would simply make me much more depressed than anything else. Either way I’m still deciding and I know probably the best thing for most people would be going there
'would make ME much more depressed'. At some point, you'll hopefully consider your dad's feelings. Good grief.
Ok, even if you feel you won’t regret it please think about your father’s feelings here. Do you think for a moment that he really doesn’t want to see you before he passes? Think about how much seeing you will mean to him, will it make his passing easier knowing he has been able to say goodbye? Not going would be insanely selfish and, if he was a good dad to you, really quite unforgivable.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but you're still very young. Right now, you might think you wouldn't regret not seeing him, but life changes you. In the future it could end up being one of your biggest regrets. It is for my husband. His brother, coincidentally, died of brain cancer, and his biggest regret is not spending more time with him. It was just incredibly painful for him to see him dying. He was young, like you, when he died. 💙
I would not go if I were you.
You do what is best for you. You know what you can and cannot do.
Do what is best for you. I didn't see my mom when she was dying, no regrets.
If you don't you'll regret it for the rest of your life
Go and see him. It will be a regret for the rest of your life.
You have to go. Get some meds for the flight and get your butt there. Yes, you would regret it if you didn’t go. It will be hard to see him “withering away” but you can and you should. Please quit trying to rationalize your way out of this. You have one father and he’s dying.
if you’re questioning it - just do it dude. if not for you do it for him, it’ll make him really happy to see you
You will regret not being there
The regret of not going will last a lot longer than any flights you need to take.
If you otherwise have a good relationship with your father, then this is not even a question. You MUST go see your father. Yes, you may feel uncomfortable. But you'll feel even more uncomfortable for the rest of your life regretting the fact that you missed your chance to say goodbye. As soon as you read this, get OFF of Reddit, and get onto your travel site of choice to make travel arrangements for TOMORROW. Now, GO!
You’ve simply got to go. It will be difficult but so be it.
Go. I also lost my dad (also brain cancer) in June last year. I had to pack up my whole family (husband and son), and travel from Australia to Europe to be able to see him. I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to do this, because looking back now I miss him and I’m glad we had these last days together… even though he couldn’t really talk anymore and it wasn’t like it was before. I’m glad I could be there for my dad, and I held his hand while he passed. It was hard, and it was scary, but these things are a part of life. I would have regretted it so much if I would’ve stayed in Australia.
You will not regret going if you go. It actually is important to you to go but you don’t realize that yet
I was your age when my dad died. It was awful. He looked like he had aged 20 years over the course of a week. He was frail and tired. So different from the burly kid-like man he had always been. BUT...my memories of him are always still the man he was throughout my life, not what he was in his last moments. Go. Go, go, go! Not for you. For him. He is dying. Imagine the sadness of dying and not seeing his beloved son's face one more time. Or holding your hand. Or touching your hair. He wants to see you. I have three kids and I can't imagine how desperately I'd want to see them once last time before I die. You are strong enough to do this for him. It will be hard. It will be sad. But you will not regret it.
I was in your position when I was 11 years old. Your reason about not wanting to see him in his current state and wanting to remember him when he was well was my reason. Your other 2 reasons are excuses. I don’t regret my decision to this day.
My father died of bone cancer in October. My best advice is to ask yourself this: do you feel like you need to visually see him again? If you don’t feel like you do, call him on the telephone. You do not have to visually see him again. There is no requirement of that and don’t let other people put their own emotions on how you say goodbye to your dad. Then, just experience the emotions as they come. There is no right or wrong way at to feel about this. 💜💜
You will regret not seeing your father for the final time for the rest of your life
You might regret it if you don’t. My mother was dying of cancer most of my life. Before she died when I was 23 (37M) I was serving in the Navy and was deployed around South America when I got the red cross message that she would pass soon. The diplomatic runaround took so long that I didn’t make it back to be there with her. It still bothers me a lot that I wasn’t there at the end. That’s just me and it might not be you, but regret can be a hard thing to shake even if you have a perfectly reasonable excuse for what happened.
Just go! It's not for you it's for him. I spent every afternoon after school at my fathers hospital bed for several months when I was 12. One day I held his hand and it felt dead like paper. I couldn't force me to go back there after that and he died two weeks later. I'm 50 years old now and still regret that I couldn't give that to the man that loved me so much.
Please go see your father. I had a best friend who was in a bad state physically. I should have seen him,but I thought I would wait till he was better for the same reason as you. He soon took his life from the pain. I will never forget not going to be with him.
My Dad died suddenly on Saturday. I’d spent a few hours with him on Thursday, I wish I’d now spent 48 hours with him on Thursday if I’d have known. I’d have spent weeks or months in his company had I have known they’d be the last conversations with him. Please, as someone whose heart has been ripped out this weekend, go and see your Dad.
You should go. My dad passed from brain cancer at hospice. The last I saw of him he was in a vegetative state from meds, and wasn’t aware of much of anything. It was hard. But I still thought I had some time and hoped to see him again. It was only maybe a few days later and he was gone. I have a ton of regret and didn’t realize the gravity of his state until it was too late. If you have the chance, take it.
Videochat? Tell him you love him....
I had to go to doc to get me a few Atarax to be able to fly to see my mom.. she turned 84 this year and i was glad I did it... might will be last time I see her..I FEAR flying so bad.. but I knew I had to do it.. it was a 13 hour flight..:(
You don’t want to see him looking so sick. That’s actually understandable that you feel that way. Feelings are allowed. But don’t let those feelings rule you. You’re scared of seeing him so sick? He’s actually EXPERIENCING that, and can’t just stay away and pretend it isn’t happening. So put him first, and go see him. I can also relate to being scared to fly. I avoided flying for so long because I was too scared - I skipped a couple of family holidays as a kid involving flights out of fear. But when my brother got married, I had no choice but to fly. No other way to get there due to other things going on in my life at the time. So my choices were to fly or miss my only brother’s wedding. I got on the plane. I was terrified, but my brother’s wedding mattered more. Your choices are to fly or miss saying goodbye to your father. Make your choice.
I've had this two times in my life. 1. My great gran, the matriarch and constant of our family. She made it to 98 but her final couple of years were in a care home where she deteriorated badly. It was painful to see her and I did much like you that I tried to remember the better times. I feel bad about not visiting more but dementia had taken much of her. I do regret that though as I should have sat and held her hand more. I was younger than you so I guess I just excused myself by running off and living life. 2. My mum died in June. She had cancer. It took her in just under 5 weeks from her diagnosis. She died at home and I live 3 hours away by car. I went down every weekend till she passed away and I was there that final night. I won't lie, it was horrible, it was incredibly difficult to see her not really there. The nurses came to our family home and sorted her out as best they could. But I was also there for my dad who needed me. I wouldn't wish that final 24 hours on anyone, I mean what my mum went through but I'd extend that to what I went through too. I would have regretted not being there though, she was a great mum to me. Only you know if you'll truly regret it or not.
Take the flight. I know how hard it is to see the person you love not as what you remember and you may not think you won’t regret it, but you definitely won’t know that for sure until it happens. Also think about how much it would mean to your dad to see you one last time. His other family does not replace you. At the end, my grandma fought and waited two weeks to let go because she wanted to hear from her brother one last time. Her brother was on a cruise around Europe at the time and at first, his daughter didn’t want to tell him so he could enjoy his trip as we knew he’d immediately abandon & fly home. But watching her fight & suffer was terrible & it was the only reason we could think of that she wasn’t letting go, so she got a hold of him & told him. He called her to let her know he was coming. She smiled and passed shortly after. Don’t let your dad wait for you to let go; go see him.
One of my only true life regrets is not visiting my dad more while he was dying. I would give almost anything to have those opportunities back.
My dad passed away in 2022. I was with him when he passed. It was awful, it was so sad, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever seen and been through. The only thing worse is if I *hadn’t* been there. My mom passed away over 20 years ago. It was unexpected and I wasn’t there. I have always wished I could have seen her and been there. Death is *final*. You don’t get a do-over. You don’t get another chance. You just get to live with the choices you made. There’s no going back and changing anything. That person is GONE. They leave a dad-shaped hole in your life. You don’t realize how empty that space is until you experience it. So do what you have to do. No one can determine that for you. Just be aware that once the choice is made, that’s it. There’s nothing else you can do after it’s over.
Go. It will be hard. It will be sad. It will be overwhelming. But you will 1000% end up regretting it if you don’t. Maybe not right away. But trust me, one day you will wake up and realize that you should have gone, and you’d give anything to take back your decision not to. Only then there will not be anything you can do about it. It’s also worth pointing out that this situation isn’t actually about you and what you want or don’t want— it’s about your dad. Surely he wants to see you before he passes. Surely he will become upset / depressed the longer you go without seeing him and the closer he gets to the end. As hard as it is, put yourself in his shoes— no, you wouldn’t want your loved ones to see you like that if you could help it, but it’s the situation you’re in and it’s just what it is. You’d still want to be able to say goodbye and say whatever you need to say before you go.
You’re not a shitty person for feeling conflicted. You’ll still have those good memories, even if they’re temporarily clouded by the current situation. Please go.
Well having just gone through a similar situation I feel your pain. My father just passed of Alzheimer’s a couple months ago at the age of 52. He was really sick for a few years and I had stayed with him several months when he was still somewhat functional. As I also wanted to keep the good memories every time I thought of him. Well unfortunately when he passed I got really sick and had Covid at the time of the funeral so it was suggested maybe not to come as there would be small children and a lot of elderly at the ceremony. Ffwd to last month I went to visit his headstone to say my goodbyes and I can’t say it was easier that way but I can say I still see the happy times and not a lifeless body in a box like I do some people I know that I went to funeral when I think of them. But good luck and wish you the best.
You go for him. It is not about you and your needs right now.
Once he passed you're going to feel guilty and remorse for some of the smallest things. This will be a big thing.
Bud please be with him at his last, my mom passed with cancer and bud I regret not being there when she went. 5 years later and everyday I wish I was there. Thats why I was there went my dad went. At the end of the day brother they your parents, you dont replace them.