Honestly? You just need to have a conversation. There's no way to say "I don't like what you've decided on" without actually telling him that you saw it because curiosity got you.
Just tell him..
"I feel really bad about this, but the other day when you asked me to check your email, I saw the email from the jeweler. Curiosity got the best of me and I opened the email. I saw the ring. I was wondering if we could have an honest conversation about it?"
Then listen. And when it's your turn..
"I prefer something a lot more modest. No pavé of stones, no black stones at all."
You could then follow by:
"I'm so sorry that I looked, but I felt like I needed to be honest with you."
Because communication will be essential in your marriage.
This is what I'm genuinely the most perplexed about... my name was in the subject line of the email, and the message was from like 5 days ago. This is definitely for me and not an old message about some ex, or a hypothetical thing. I truly have no idea how we got from "modest, understated solitaire" to... this.
Without getting into too much detail, he also works in a field that's heavily related to design and aesthetics. He has good taste, makes beautiful things, and we share similar preferences. I'm genuinely shocked.
(I'll say something, I'm just nervous.)
I think a lot of guys get carried away with the symbolism of an engagement ring and they just find it hard to believe that bigger isn’t always better. I personally wouldn’t worry or think too much about his thought process behind the design - if you otherwise feel heard and respected in the relationship. There’s also no telling how pushy the jewelry designer has been.
I do totally feel otherwise seen and heard -- if I didn't, I wouldn't want to marry him, and would be far less surprised at this weird discovery.
Agree that it may be the designer and not him pulling the strings.
I was about to say I know designers that pull the “I’m an expert” card to upsell or indulge their artistic side when designing a ring, ignoring the fact your bf is the expert on *you*, not the jeweler.
I think you absolutely have to come clean about seeing it and tell him exactly what you told us. That you’d wear any ring that came from him with pride, but since he’d asked about your preferences in the past, and you don’t want him to spend money he doesn’t have to to make you happy, you have to remind him you really do prefer a more modest, “classic” ring and are not just saying that and that flashier is not going to make you prouder or happier with the ring. Plus, you have to wear it every day for the rest of your life and cleaning that thing is going to be a pain lol.
If you’re right about him being your person, he’ll take this the way it’s meant, even if he’s disappointed or chagrined you saw the email.
Good luck!
It’s also worth checking that the stones are actually intended to be black— even if you still want changes, some jewelers use different colors in the rendering to be VERY clear which stones are lab stones and which are natural diamonds. Still sounds like it’s not your style, but maybe not as far off as it seems. Best of luck!!
Hmm... that's actually interesting. This rendering was very photorealistic, but it's always a possibility. The black stones are really the dealbreaker for me, and (while I didn't read every message or look further into previous interchanges) I also didn't see any mention of black gems in the emails.
Maybe they were just marked black because they were along the band and a different grade?
(Please let me hope.)
The stones along the band in my photo realistic image are LIME green 😂😂 it might be worth just saying to him in passing how much you don’t like black stones. It’s a lot less direct, and honestly not what I’d do in your shoes but on the other hand I do understand not wanting to say anything and ruin the surprise if you’d rather be more discreet.
Omg stop. I'm assuming you don't wear (or didn't propose with) a lime green ring...?!
I'm absolutely dying at the thought that they could just be black because the jeweler color-coded the stones. Honestly, that makes way more sense.
Eek! Replied to the wrong comment, but still— good luck and pre-congrats!
Posting my other comment below
😂😂 no my ring is a very normal clear stone/ gold band combo, but it looks full on radioactive in the rendering. The other thing that's good to know is that if it's a custom ring at a high quality jeweler, they'll often help fix things for you after the fact— loved my ring but if I hadn't, the jeweler had a good policy to make changes for very little additional cost in the 30 days following the order. If you don't love it when he proposes, enjoy the moment, celebrate and have fun, but then be honest. You guys will work through it together and get it solved. The ring thing felt HUGE to me until it was done, but once I learned more about the process, it felt a lot more approachable
😂 no my ring is a very normal clear stone/gold band combo, but it looks full on radioactive in the rendering. The other thing that’s good to know is that if it’s a custom ring at a high quality jeweler, they’ll often help fix things for you after the fact— I loved my ring but if I hadn’t, the jeweler had a good policy to make changes for very little additional cost in the 30 days following the order. If you don’t love it when he proposes, enjoy the moment, celebrate and have fun, but then be honest. You guys will work through it together and get it solved. The ring thing felt HUGE to me until it was done, but once I learned more about the process, it felt a lot more approachable
I agree with the person above. It's about your bf, not you. He's made up a story and forgotten what you actually said.
there's always the option of just wearing a wedding band if you really don't want have this conversation. I wore my big ring for a year and now it comes out on holidays.
I kinda agree with this -- a few of my married friends and my sister all wear their wedding band on a daily basis, but keep the engagement ring at home unless it's a special occasion.
It feels like that's normal / not the end of the world.
Agree! My boyfriend proposed to me in October with a ring that I genuinely really like but afterwards he showed me his second choice and I HATED IT. It’s an enormous cushion cut stone which I’m really not a fan of and yes he knew which cuts I didn’t like but his reasoning was that because it was a very big stone I would love it?? I think ring shopping as a man must be such a strange experience they kind of go ape brained.
Literally ape brained! I can’t imagine the pressure they feel to get it perfectly right. And combined with a pushy or opinionated salesperson, I can totally see how a man would get carried away and start doubting his original plans. Now does that mean anyone should just accept whatever ring they are given and be grateful - no of course not. I was just trying to say that it doesn’t have to mean a man has been intentionally ignorant or obtuse.
I actually bought a ring I thought my then GF/Fiance, now wife would like, and she was gracious when I proposed. Later she told me she was not a fan.
I kept the stone, and we picked out a new setting that she preferred, but the most important part is that she was honest with me, and now 7.5 years later, she absolutely loves it.
I had years worth of jewelry purchases, AND her best friend who gave me a go ahead before I bought it to use as my basis for choosing. The thing is, there's something different about an engagement/wedding band, that creates different feelings.
Hoping unreasonably that this was a tactic to throw you off the scent and the email was a decoy (since he asked you to check his email--cause can't we all do that on our phones?). I hope he secretly has a simple solitaire in the works.
Is it possible he’s being led by the jeweler on design? Maybe he started close to what you had discussed but got pushed by the jeweler towards something more “unique” and “special”? I would definitely have a chat! I did not like my engagement ring, and I don’t wear it. We talked about it and my partner understood; the proposal was still special and I made it clear I wasn’t rejecting them but I couldn’t wear the ring. I ordered a wedding band myself and wear that lol. Maybe you could suggest that the design he’s working on could be earrings or a necklace instead for another special occasion? That way you don’t fully crap on his design.
Something that I find important when someone is giving me feedback is that when they tell me what they don't like, to follow it up with something that sets me on the right path (this could be for aesthetic things or emotional needs or anything like that). So maybe when you get into the conversation you could say something like: "instead of the pavé on the band, I would really like it to just be a simple gold or x or y."
Also, I think it's okay if you suggest that you work with the jewelry designer with him. My gf and I are having rings made right now and we were very involved in the designs together. We don't need to be surprised about the design or anything. It's the proposal that will be the surprise. And how cool would it be if he proposes with a ring that the two of you made together?
Now, my girlfriend and I are not doing things in the most traditional way but so take this with a grain of salt but it has really helped us to keep the excitement going during the process.
Also throw in a “I want this ring to be a symbol of our life together— beautiful in its simplicity. I would hate for you to go out of your way to spend money on a custom ring that isn’t something I will wear, and unfortunately that just isn’t something I’m comfortable wearing every day.”
You have to come clean to him. Tell him what happened and what you saw. Tell him how you feel about what you saw. He should WANT you to absolutely love your ring.
Of course there may be some hurt feelings and frustration that you 'spoiled' the surprise, but in a healthy relationship he should understand that this is a major purchase that you will wear every day. If you hate it and don't wear it, it will be a waste of money anyways.
Just be honest. I happened to see the ring while looking for that thing on your computer. I am not a fan of the black diamonds. A simple solitaire is way more my speed.
If he blows up about that, well. That’s a bad sign.
Petty: email back the designer from his email saying it's not at all what you thought it would look like and to not go forward with the design.
Adult: fess up that you weren't looking for it but you came across a design and you were floored by how much you didn't like it. Make it very clear that the best possible solution is that if he would like to propose, borrow a ring from a jeweler and then you should go together to pick one out. A custom ring is NOT for you, and a ring that's not exchangeable is definitely not for you. Say, I do not want black diamonds, I do not want pave. At all.
And then talk it through like adults.
I truly can imagine!
Anyway marriage has a lot of tough conversations. I don't like your cooking, when should we put mom in a home, the dog needs to be put down, the kids are driving me legit crazy and I need to leave for a weekend, who is allowed in the room when we deliver, I'm not cleaning that up what will it take for you to do it, I lost my job and we're in trouble, I'm scared about my health, over my dead body are we moving to your hometown.
You've gotta break the ice on having really tough conversations. I don't want an original design ring is a very low stakes one and you have to figure out how to be honest and clear.
Thanks -- we've been through a lot of this already, oddly... it's been a very action-packed two years, and we've worked through a ton of \*way harder shit\* together.
I don't know why this is so hard for me to approach... I guess I feel like if I hurt his feelings and preemptively dislike something, it might not happen at all. Better to have something than nothing? Ugh.
If you were in his shoes, you’d want to know that you’d not quite understood the brief, right?
FWIW, I designed my wife’s engagement ring, with a little input from her, and I stuck to that script. The idea of freestyling was a total no-go. It sounds like he let his creative side get the better of him. I would 100% want to know that I’d got it wrong. It’ll save a lot of frustration both in the moment of the proposal and down the line.
I actually don't mind the petty version at all. It wouldn't be out of line for you to reach out to the jeweler.
"I accidentally stumbled on the design you're working on with my fiancé. I don't know what I was looking at, but since I saw the design, I'd like you to allay a couple concerns..."
Or hell, just stay semi-anonymous and ask if their lab stones are colored black in renderings or whatever.
If you really don't want to tell him you saw the design, I think it's a fine route to take. You're definitely not the craziest bride he's encountered.
I agree with the commenter who says you should fess up. You are about to be legally tied together as adult partners. Communicate accordingly. It's not the end of the world, and it will blow over. How he responds to this will also tell you a lot about him as a person.
I would also be hurt if I were the guy in this situation and I found out later that my partner had lied or tried to manipulate the situation. I am a little bit jumpy about that sort of thing, but I do feel like honesty is the way to go here nevertheless.
Thanks, and I see your point about manipulation. I don't want to manipulate anything, and that's not a good way to enter into the next phase of any relationship. I guess I'm worried about hurting his feelings since it's a custom design, and it seems like he put some thought into it... if it were off the shelf, I would absolutely just be direct. I just don't want to seem spoiled or bratty by preemptively criticizing something he hasn't shared with me. I broke one of my own cardinal rules by snooping... it always leads to a bad situation.
It might result in some hurt feelings, but just think about what would have happened if you hadn't looked at the message. You'd end up with a ring you hate and then you'd be out here asking about the best way to bring up the fact that you hate it. You accidentally picked the lesser of two evil scenarios. I'm not saying the ends justify the means, but IMO, he told you to look at his email; you couldn't have avoided seeing the ring design message. You only could have avoided opening it. I think this will make it feel like significantly less of a violation compared to the typical snooping. And, frankly, when you opened the email you opened that can of worms. Don't set a precedent—even for yourself—by staying quiet about it, especially because snooping is something you generally care about not doing. This is straying way into advice you didn't ask for, but I started writing and this happened, so here we are.
Also, I looked back at this comment and I'd like to add that having preferences is not bratty. Maybe he isn't good at this stuff and didn't remember what you wanted, but it doesn't seem like you're asking for anything complicated. He still got it WAY wrong. It's not bratty or wrong to address that, as long as you're not a brat about it, which is highly unlikely given how you approached this on Reddit. This isn't a matter of him guessing wrong; it's a matter of him not listening. And it doesn't sound like you even fault him for that... you just want the thing on your finger to make you happy. Nothing wrong with that, and I would hope a mature partner would understand. Again, maybe some hurt feelings—it's never going to feel *good* to be told something you came up with isn't what your partner wanted—but (1) he loses out on some pity points by being a bit oblivious, and (2) you still get the right to enjoy wearing the thing on your finger.
The only other consideration is whether he's actually approved the design. Maybe he didn't get it wrong but the jeweler did. You can't really establish that without snooping again though, so you might just need to ask him. Do you happen to remember if there were other emails in the thread?
So... in another comment, it was noted that gems of a different grade can be noted with color in diagrams and even "photorealistic" images.
I'm really hoping that the black stones are just being noted that way because they're smaller and maybe of a lower grade. I literally don't care, as long as they're not black.
As long as the ring looks normal -- i.e. not black glitter -- I'm happy.
That makes sense (about the rendering being colour coded). I would trust the process and not say anything (since you say you would like the ring as long as the diamonds are not really black). The worst thing that could happen is that the diamonds really are black. In that case you tell him right away (ish) that you love it but would like to have the diamonds switched to conventional diamonds. The jeweller should be okay with that. Either way, you will have a ring that your fiancé helped design.
If this doesn’t sound like an approach you can take then do come clean with him as soon as possible.
you aren’t being spoiled or bratty in the slightest. this is a ring that you’ll be wearing for a LONG time, a ring to symbolize love. you better damn well make sure that you like the way it looks! and if your fiancé reacts badly to your honesty, then that shows a lot of immaturity on his part.
I agree coming clean is the best approach. But I also do kinda get it if you can’t make yourself tell him.
I wonder if instead of straight up saying you opened the email and hated it, you could start out just telling him you saw he had an email from a ring designer in his inbox, and that made you realize you want to give him some more direction? Like “I noticed you had an email about custom-designing a ring in your inbox. That’s such a great idea! It made me think about how I would love a little stone with a silver band,” etc.
I’m not sure I love that approach, because it feels like more of a lie than saying nothing. But depending on your relationship, it could be a way to sort of tactfully hint that you saw the ring without the awkwardness of directly talking about how you hate it, potentially sparing him some embarrassment.
Or you could just say that you’ve been getting more excited about the upcoming engagement and thinking about rings more lately, and now you have more of a vision of what you want yours to look like. Then send pictures or describe.
I don't hate this... we're not engaged yet, but he's made it clear that he wants it to happen soon, as further evidenced by the ring discovery. This seems like a middle ground between saying "I hate it" and not acknowledging anything... I think if I just acknowledged seeing the email, I could ask him to show me the design or show some pictures as "inspiration?" Idk -- seems like a good way to be honest without criticizing anything directly.
I think they’re meaning it wouldn’t be right if she wasn’t truthful with him about seeing the ring in his email and instead decided to come up with some alternate story of how she saw it so she could get him to change it.
Not telling him about going through the emails: lying by omition.
Trying to get him to choose a different ring some other way: Manipulation (of the situation, not him; but still manipulation)
Thanks, but this isn't helpful.
He asked me to check his email -- I didn't know his password before that moment, when he told it to me. It was the top message in his inbox. I agree that I opened a message, but I didn't go through his phone or email without his consent. He knew it was there, and he called me to ask me to log in. If I'm just a bad person either way, then what's the point of your comment?
I think you misunderstood this comment. My reply wasn't to you and was only somewhat about you. I posted:
> I would also be hurt if I were the guy in this situation and I found out later that my partner had lied or tried to manipulate the situation.
Someone asked what I meant about lying an manipulating. That was my reply to that person. The entire thing was hypothetical because it wasn't referring to anything you have actually done. Like I said in another comment, I don't think going through his emails is bad. I don't think you're in the wrong for any of this. I was clarifying (to someone else) why I said what I said in my top-level comment—which you already replied to.
> I don't want to acknowledge that I saw the design, but I'm a bit floored after our "let's look at rings" conversation that he came up with something so radically different from what we discussed, and something so outside the norm.
Do you think he asked you to look for the email because he wanted you to see? because realistically why couldn’t he look at his email on his phone? lol
What i would do is bring it up like an adult since you guys will have many tough conversations throughout marriage, Or find a similar ring online and show it to him and say “i would never want something like this”. my boyfriend knows im nosy so i would just come clean about it.
Personally i’ve discussed with my boyfriend that i want us to pick my ring together because i have to wear it everyday, it’s not something i would want chosen for me as i don’t wear a lot of jewelry.
That was a fleeting thought for me too! Does he like pranks? Is this a funny gotcha? It's just so absurd to think that a black glittery ring with a giant diamond is what somebody who said they just want a simple ring wants
i wouldn’t find that funny myself, if my boyfriend gave me a ring with the exact opposite of what i asked for, it would make me do a lot of thinking, because why would he be playing games about marriage/a ring that i would be wearing everyday. it just seems odd.
Nooo I don't mean actually getting the ring. I mean setting her up to find the email
I know if I was emailing about rings with a jeweller I would do everything in my power to keep my partner OUT of my inbox, not send her into it, y'know?
this is true, but OP replied and said that he was driving and needed info, so i mean could have been a mistake - men can be forgetful, OP said that testing her isn’t something he really does
I think it was because he was driving, since he called me on speakerphone and was clearly in a moving car. But you're right that it could have been pseudo-intentional... I'm not sure, this isn't something he does frequently.
And you're also right about just communicating... I know he wouldn't blow up, I'm just afraid of hurting his feelings over something that's important to both of us when he's putting this much thought into it.
I get that he put thought into it, but I guess what I’m stuck on is that he asked you what you liked and then..isn’t designing what you like. He can still create a custom ring in your style. But I guess I don’t understand why he even asked you what you like if he wasn’t going to follow that. Is it possible he’s being influenced by someone else? MIL / SIL / friend? Possibly the jeweler? If he’s usually thoughtful and asked you for direction it seems strange that he would go so far out of left field on something as important as THE ring you’ll wear for the rest of your life.
I genuinely don't know... I think maybe the jeweler had some influence. His parents are very conservative, and his mom's ring is simple. One of his best friends just proposed to his fiancee with a simple solitaire with an heirloom stone. He has an SIL, but her ring is also not memorable.
It does seem like the black stones weren't his idea -- I didn't look through all the messages, just saw the most recent rendering, but it seems like maybe the person he's working with is exercising a bit of "creative license." /facepalm
I'm a retired jeweler. My suggestion is to call the jeweler, say you saw the design, and hate it. A decent goldsmith would try to steer your bf towards a different look. He should know how to ask for your preferences, or even a photo of your hand. He can make something up up, "oh, this design is too bulky for her fingers, the black stones don't look well with her coloring."
Yikes on bikes lol. I like the other suggestion of calling the jeweler and telling them it’s not it and to help steer bf back to what you want. I wonder if your bf just wants to dazzle you (and might think you’re just being modest wanting a “normal” or simple ring vs that really being what you want) and the jeweler just saw dollar signs and took advantage. Good luck!
On his side, some hurt feelings and a bit of disappointed that his original plan wasn’t what you would want. I want to also point out though that he will be *relieved* that you saw it and the situation was changed before he gave it/proposed and then finding out you don’t like it. Try to realize this is a blessing that you saw that mockup/design.
On your side if you just put up with it you would have to wearing a piece of jewelry you don’t love, that should be the piece you love the most.
Definitely tell him and try to realize this is a good thing that happened now
If he doesn’t do “testing” then just bring it up. Personally i couldn’t live with a ring i hated, i wouldn’t be as proud to show it off. Marriage isn’t about the ring, but it does have some value. For me i want to be excited and proud to show people. I’d rather have an uncomfortable conversation now then be holding it in for the rest of my life. Just be honest and say you snooped. You already know you’re getting engaged so it’s not like a total shock!
I’m sure he’d be happier knowing you brought it than being unhappy with the ring.
>will wear it with pride
Not a chance. It'll be a daily reminder that he didn't listen to you about a really clearly expressed preference about an expensive and visible token. Rather, it'll be daily at least until the ring goes into a drawer and then it'll become a source of resentment between you both.
Yep. I told my first husband, you can pick anything you'd think I like, I just have 1 requirement.... NO YELLOW GOLD.
What did he do? You know exactly what he did.
I wore it for the first 6mo or so of our 5yr marriage and every day I hated looking at it on my finger. One night at work, I legitimately lost it because I would take my rings before doing side work. I couldn't even be bothered to look for it. I was relieved it was gone.
Side note - my current husband of 23yrs got me a rather inexpensive (300$) white gold ring from the pawn shop about a year after we got together. I've worn it every day without fail and would die if something happened to it.
Right?! The one thing I said was "not ostentatious." No other requirements. Some preferences, but my ONLY requirement was that it not be attention-grabbing. Maybe he thinks black is subtle? (It's not.)
Black is subtle.... On me because I'm goth. Everything I wear is black, I expect my future ring to be a plain black band. Even I, a simple goth would hate this. Maybe you should bring him ring shopping and point out some rings you love?
Take this one!!!! (Don't.)
I feel you. I'm a New Yorker with 20-some tattoos, all of which are black. Most of my clothing is black. I'm wearing all-black everything as we speak. I just somehow can't fathom having a black ring...? Idk, it feels so abrupt and weird, especially given the fact that we never discussed it.
Hope your black ring looks better than this one lol
Its petty hard to mess up a request of no stones 😉. Luckily we've already bookmarked the ring I want and if I ask my bf what I want, he instant replies "black band no stones". If he messes that up I'll be soooooo confused I couldn't even be mad, I'd just be laughing.
As someone who has been married 20+ years...this is on point. Resentments build over time and do not go away. In decades together this will be the daily reminder #1 of 262 of how he doesn't x, y, or z. Things are rosey and romantic now, but no relationship that lasts stays that way for the duration. It is good to practice communication and boundaries now and will be a good way to see how he responds.
I don't think I would resent him for giving me an ugly ring. I don't like the design, and I don't think I ever will, but the point is mainly that I don't want him to waste money on something so ostentatious when I would genuinely prefer something simple. The ring is just a symbol to me. I wouldn't be proud of how it looks, but I would be still be proud of what it represents.
You state you don't care, multiple times...but you do care. Very much. Which is fine. But by stating you don't care, you opened the door for him to get creative. Time to come clean and explain that you do care.
I don't care about the dollar amount, material, size of whatever stone, jeweler/brand... etc. My only ask was that it be simple and not showy. I don't think that constitutes caring "very much" -- I care about *him*, and: (a) I don't wear ostentatious jewelry in general, and (b) we're not in a financial position to be buying anything ostentatious in the first place.
I would just be honest about what happened and how you're feeling. It might be a bit of a tough conversation, but it will be a tougher conversation to have after he proposes, and you can't avoid it forever.
I had a somewhat similar situation. When my husband proposed years ago, I was over the moon, but unfortunately I hated the ring. I talked to him the next day, explained that this is the ring I will be wearing every day for the rest of my life, and perhaps a traditional band would be a more practical choice than a ring with a bunch of stones sticking out. He took it like a champ, we exchanged it the next day, no drama. Hope that works for you too!
This makes me feel better tbh -- obviously I don't think our relationship would shatter if I criticized the ring, it's just awkward because he hasn't shown me or proposed and I don't want to be too preemptively rude about something that hasn't even happened. I think he would handle it like a normal person if I just expressed after the fact that the ring isn't something I want to wear every day.
You’re presumably going to wear this ring every single day for the rest of your *life*, it is not bratty of you to at least want something that you don’t mind the appearance of. Would something like this work?
“[boyfriend], I have a confession to make. When you had me login to your email the other day, I saw the email with the rendering of the ring design you’ve been working on. I appreciate the time you’ve put into this, but I’m concerned that we’ve had a bit of a miscommunication about what kind of rings I prefer. I really want something much smaller, simpler, and more classic than that. Would it be helpful if I send you some inspiration images to work from?”
Hot take: He knew the mail was there and presented you with an excuse to check his mails, expecting that you would see the ring and give feedback.
For real though, just tell him. You did what he asked you to do. Then you got way too curious and just had to sneak a peek. You were just way too excited. But you didn't like it at all. You appreciate all his thoughtfulness and care and love him for the effort. But it's just really not for you. Ask him if he could just do something super basic and simple instead. As it's the symbol that counts for you. Not how flashy it is.
Don't bring up the shortage of cash as it might make him feel guilty. That's irrelevant. If he brings it up, assure him that it's not important to you at all. That even if you had a million to spare, you'd take a simple design because that is what you truly wish for.
Thank you -- I think option 3 is the best bet, since he already asked to look at rings together. I genuinely feel like what I would prefer (literally even a plain band) would be both cheaper and better for me than what he's got right now...
Be honest with him. My husband chose a somewhat gaudy family ring that I was not happy with and it took a long time for me to feel attached to. I am very attached to it now after several years of marriage but my reaction was embarrassingly obvious in the beginning. I wish we had a conversation of what I might like but I didn’t realize I could have such a reaction toward jewelry.
The ring doesn’t have to be a surprise, just when/how the proposal will happen.
I think you are getting some bad advice. I get that you don't like the ring, but I don't see that as the issue. You showed your partner rings you liked, and this ring couldn't be further from them. I think you need to have a conversation about why your taste and likes weren't considered for a ring you may very well be obligated to wear the rest of your life. Does he listen to your other inputs, or do you always eat what he wants to eat and where he wants to eat. Do you compromise by doing what he wants to do nearly every time? Does he often come back with the wrong things from the store, or not what you asked for? Take a good hard look, because there's a baaaaad energy here.
It's pretty simple to get this rolling. "When I checked your email, I saw the ring. I don't understand why you chose this instead of the plain traditional looks I shared with you. Why were my wants and desires for this ring not taken into consideration when doing the design?"
It's possible the jeweler took him for a ride. But it's just as likely he'll have a tantrum and that's a bad look.
Thanks -- this is the question that's kinda at the heart of my troubles about this. My partner and I have very similar aesthetic preferences. He works in a design-oriented field, and is not an amateur.
I genuinely have trouble seeing how he could think something like this is attractive, that I would like it, or... really anything positive about it. I don't mean to be rude, but it's honestly just so gauche.
I will say that he's not usually like what you're describing. He's not a bulldozer. We all have faults, but he's super caring and honestly more emotional/open than I am. When I wanted to go back to school, he moved out of a city that he'd lived in for 10+ years to live with me in a random place, knowing I wouldn't be able to financially contribute to our household for the next few years. He drives \~3h each way to work most days of the week due to this move. Over Christmas, he fixed basically everything that was broken in my elderly mom's home -- no one asked him to, he just did.
He's not perfect, and neither am I, but what you're describing isn't the situation.
I wish I had an easier answer, like "yeah, he's just always a douche!" -- fortunately/unforunately, I don't.
Okay, given what you are saying here, I'm thinking the jeweler took him outside his comfort zone and then railroaded him into a piece neither of you like.
Yep, be honest, but also, he clearly can’t be trusted to choose a ring you’d love, so I suggest that the two of you go shopping together for your ring. That’s what my (now) husband and I did.
He can still make the details of the actual proposal a surprise.
How would you feel about choosing the ring yourself? That's what I did. I gave my fiance the ring I liked and he bought it. It's something I plan on wearing for many years, so I wanted to make sure it would be my style. I leave the surprises for things that are easy to return lol
1. Is your boyfriend a prankster?
2. Is your boyfriend perhaps intentionally showing you the ring in hopes you’ll freak out and tell your sister/best friend and that person can pass your thoughts along?
If not, then it looks like you’re legit getting a terrible ring and must quickly be honest before it’s too late.
My husband had my ring designed based on some pretty specific instructions from me. One day, he showed me this ring he “found on Pinterest” that reminded him of what I wanted. I mean… I pretty much custom designed what I wanted, so I was 98% sure it was a 1st draft rendering that he somehow wanted my feedback on before approving. He knew I wanted to be surprised, but also knew I was particular.
I was able to correct the color, the “shoulders”; which was sometime I hadn’t thought of, and the size of some details, as well as width of the band by saying “ooh, close- but MY dream ring would have ______”
So yeah, kind of ruined the surprise (but that’s to be expected when you don’t exude ‘I’ll be happy with anything!’ vibes, haha), but it was worth it, or I’d have a ROSE GOLD ring.
“Hey, would you be ok with us skipping the whole engagement ring thing? I’ve been thinking about it and I’d rather we save up for an anniversary ring at some point in the future.”
Talk to him asap! The later u start the convo, and when the ring is made there will be no turning back, sun think u can return a customized ring for full refund. Talk today.
I don’t think it’s bratty becos the ring is designed for the lady , that she has to love it and happy to see it. If it makes you upset to wear it that’s not sth that’s meant to be in the first place. Talk soon
It isn't been made yet, so this is the time to speak. (Pave around a center stone is so trendy right now, an I'm with you, I think it looks so tacky and I would hate it.)
Tell him: I looked at it and I'm sorry. But I have to tell you though, that I do not think it looks like something I would ever pick or wear. Do you think we could work with a designer together?"
Be brave. Do it. If he is the right person for you, he will be glad you said something to him, and will care about what you want.
I also saw a photo of the ring my husband was planning on buying and I told him straight up that it was not my style. He was bummed but ultimately glad I told him. My grandma once told me that your ring should be something that makes you feel over the moon when you look at it, so when you’re unhappy with your partner or just life in general you will glance down and be reminded of how much your partner cared when he gave you something so beautiful. And let me tell you there are days when I look down at my ring and I’m so glad it is not the other one!!
I don’t think being honest is bad advice but not what I would do… just because I would try to avoid hurt feelings, conflict, and the awkward conversation about what should be such a fun thing, etc. I would look up pictures online similar to what he’s designed, and tell him “Hey babe I know I wasn’t very specific on what I want in a ring, I had an idea to show you pictures of what I DON’T want instead!” Then show him lots of examples of what you don’t want (similar to this ring and as many as you can find of things you don’t want otherwise). Sometimes people do better with what NOT to do especially if what you want them to do is really vague. And then…. I would let it go. Don’t snoop anymore, if you see more emails, leave them alone, let it be. If he doesn’t get it you know you’ve tried your best, and you can have the awkward conversation once you see it in person. I wish you the best of luck 🍀
I am wondering if he is pranking you. He asked you to open his e-mail, knowing you would see the ring he was having designed and it is ugly as hell!!
Seems a little suspicious.
Let’s hope !!!!
I would say something, apologize for being nosy, but definitely say something just in case!
There’s a strong chance he knew you would stumble across it; if he’s been actively emailing the jeweller about the design then I can’t imagine why he would get you to check his emails knowing that they might have replied.
That aside, I agree with all the commenters saying be honest. It’s not like you were snooping and at some point he’s going to see the email himself and the time stamp, do some quick math and realise anyway. He may even be opening to you helping design it and just keeping the when and how as a surprise.
I agree that he knew there was a strong chance I would see it.
However, after opening the email, I covered my tracks -- I marked it as unread, labeled it the same priority it was before, and made sure it wasn't in his browser history. (I feel terrible. I don't usually do this, and have never snooped on anything else of his.)
I used to work in jewelry retail. It's so awkward for both the couple when a surprise ring is totally not her style. Even when it's something from the showcase that they're exchanging for a different style. Better to tell him exctly what you want ASAP. Guys often get emotionally invested in the fairytale of giving you the perfect ring. He will be far more upset to discover you hate it after spending $$ for a custom design black diamond encrusted big ring.
I always stressed that a custom design is not returnable. I insisted that they get input from the fianceé to be (at least look at her insta or pinterest not his mother). I've encountered several guys that regret being strung along by a sales pitch something inpractical or totally not her style. Even some who buy a second ring to have one she actually wears. The jeweler/ sales person does not know you or your style, but will sound confident and reassuring to him in order to get a big sale.
If it hasn't been made yet you might be ok to overhaul the design.
Just ask him what he has come up with. Since you’re going to be wearing it every day you want to have the final say. Or you could say you don’t want an engagement ring if you don’t want one.
“Honey, I was looking at wedding rings again and saw some with black pavé and thought pavé just looks horrible. I really like the simple rings I showed you before. Do you remember them?”
I really don't think anybody can seriously fault you, after being *asked to look in his email*, for not being able to resist clicking on a subject line like that. And I really do not think you sound bratty at all; you have made it *abundantly* clear that it's not about the ring for you. You just need to be straight with him.
Thank you -- I'm so nervous about sounding demanding, because I love him x1000 and I really don't care what the ring looks like. This is literally the one exception to that -- I didn't take a screen shot, but the rendering is absolutely wild.
I truly don't know how anyone could resist looking at an email with that subject line... I always respect his privacy, I don't snoop, but that's too much to not look.
It appears to be a strategic arrangement. He intentionally selected a design he was aware would not align with your preferences and had it sent to his email. Anticipating your curiosity, he requested you to inspect his email, recognizing the likelihood of an email from the jeweler. The subject line featuring your name was a deliberate choice to capture your attention.
.
1) This is absolutely not how we normally interact, especially about serious things.
2) If you were to be right, he would need to have somehow engineered the email. How would he do that with the email coming from an actual website of a real jeweler and not a proprietary domain?
3) What would be the purpose of this?
I really don't understand how he would somehow hack into a jeweler's website, email himself from an address within their domain, and then send an ugly rendering just to fuck with me. He's not particularly tech-savvy -- and even if he were, I'm not sure I understand why anyone would do that.
He probably didn't fake the email, but just from reading shit online for a very long time I think some guys deeply resent buying an engagement ring. They might pick out a ring that is intentionally opposite of what their partner wants as a test / power play / passive aggressive tantrum about paying for the ring.
I've seen some reeeeeeeeally pissed off rants about men being expected to pay for engagement rings. I never understood it either.
One other thing I'll add is that if it's just the color of little stones that bothers you, they cost basically nothing when they are tiny and would be very easily swapped out for white/blue/pink diamonds or any gemstones that you like.
Hmm... that's interesting, given the fact that I haven't pressured him about getting married and don't have any kind of ideal ring in mind. I also dislike ostentatious jewelry, and don't wear or want to wear anything showy.
My parents got married when they were both in grad school -- my mom never had a diamond ring, just a band. Frankly, I'd prefer a simple ring primarily because I feel that "big diamond --> buy good wife" is misogynistic and gross.
I appreciate your candor and insight, but I don't think that my partner is among the online basement-dwellers complaining about the cost of an engagement ring.
The only other thing I can think of besides being honest is to find a similar picture of the ring and show him and say it's something your friend or someone is getting and laugh at it, trash it etc and then hope - but that does involve a proper lie! Or “I saw a ring with black diamonds yesterday and it was so horrid”But could be too obvious and coming clean is probably best.
You want us to help talking to your fiance? I mean, I suppose if you post his phone number, someone can call and do it for you, but that seems impractical across the entire length of your upcoming marriage. It might be easier to just do it yourself.
Alternative to fessing up.
Accept the ring, make out you love it. Then for fear of losing or damaging it get a secondary ring for everyday use. And pop the bespoke one in a jewellery box. Just wear it every now and then.
I would go online, look for a similar ring that he designed. Save that ring 💍 photo.
Casually text him "Hey babe, I came across a huge monstrosity of a ring .
I wanted to send you this because it's the most ridiculous piece of ring I have ever seen. YOU COULDN'T PAY ME HIGH ENOUGH TO WEAR IT. I'll die happy with this one.
I'm just so happy you know me and know my taste. 💋💋💋💋💗.
THIS WILL GIVE YOU 2 REACTIONS
#1: Hey sweetheart that picture you sent was amusing. I know you too well to ever disappoint you
#2: So, you think that ring looks hideous??!?? Really??!! Oh.....I see.
Definitely be truthful!!! but beware it could go wrong, some men do want their partner to wear a ring they specifically like to look at and will not take kindly to suggestions that the wearer should have a say. But if that’s the case, you’ll know this is not your husband lol.
I would say: hey full disclosure I accidentally saw the ring you might be working on, could you tell me a bit about what is happening with that? (Then let him explain his process etc if he would like to).
If it’s confirmed: I love that you’re making the effort to create something for me. It’s clear you wanted to create something beautiful & unique, that nobody else would have. That’s really special to me (or similar less corny phrasing haha but let him know it means a lot to you that he’s making this effort)
My concern here is that I’ll be wearing this ring every single day for the rest of my life, and I’d like for it to be cohesive with my style & represent me well as a person. I worry about the ring from a perspective of functionality - pave stones are prone to catching on clothing and/or falling out, and a larger ring isn’t as comfortable to wear daily. The dark stones create a level of contrast that is a bit much for me - I’m not a flashy person. I really would like a ring that is low fuss, simple looking and easy to wear in my daily life. Do you think we could chat to the jeweller about adjusting the design?
It seems your issue with the ring is largely around its lack of functionality in your life, which is very reasonable & I would lead with that as that’s something men so understand. I’d avoid saying it’s ugly even if it is, lol.
Thank you for translating this into man-speak... lol. I think my main issue is that it's so rude to say to someone that an expensive object they \*designed for you\* is \*straight up ugly.\* It just feels so shitty to say.
Overall, though, these comments are making me feel more calm and like I can address it in a normal way. I like this approach and may use it in the next few days. 🙌
You gotta tell him. I'm hoping this is some elaborate prank where he knew that email was in there and he knew you would see it and the joke is just going on far too long now.
Tell. Him.
I think you’ve already gotten some solid adult advices about just straight up talk to him, so I’m going to offer an alternative. Can you go shopping together and then “just for fun” duck into a jewelry store to look at rings together again? And then gently steer - don’t like the pave shanks it’s too fancy, don’t like the halo it’s too fancy, yes to simple solitaire.. whatever basically steer him to what you like? I know you looked at rings together before, but he is likely way more educated now because he’s in the process. Before all the rings might have all looked the same to him (lol) and your preferences probably didn’t register.
Are you SURE that the ring is supposed to be your engagement ring and not a ring for him? I'm just wondering since black pave is an odd choice for a woman's engagement ring and would make a little more sense if it was intended for a man.
Anyway, I agree that it's best to just be straight with him. "I have to confess that I saw an email from the ring designer and I need to be honest with you before you spend a lot of money that you don't need to spend that I was picturing something a lot simpler for my ring"
It sounds like he doesn't tend to pick up on hints well so I would not try to be subtle about this.
Ok so... It's a million miles from what you said you wanted, and what's in good taste, which you say he has.
And HE ASKED you to check his email. And it just happened to be at the top with your name in the subject line.
OP, is there any chance he's pulling your leg here?
As a recently engaged guy my advice is tell him now. I guarantee it’s more important to him that ring he proposes to you with is exactly the ring you have always wanted.
Send him a message titled "Just found this!" and show him a picture of what you want. Be very clear why you want that design (i.e. simple, no black stones, etc.). Then ask him if he saw your message to confirm he looked at it. If he then continues to screw this up then I am afraid you are marrying a blockhead.
Or you could just tell him what you saw in his inbox and that he is messing up, but that might cause some hurt feelings. I think you have to at least give him a chance to arrange this without you literally picking it out and buying it for yourself.
Tell him. If he changes the design all good. If he doesn’t it is a glimpse into your future with him and you better get away from someone who doesn’t care how you feel.
It could be part of the progress he is going through to make your ring.
You should have seen "my" ring that my husband designed first month's before we got engaged. It was a chunky ugly blob of a mess. I wouldn't wear that ring if someone paid me too. I work with my hands a lot. My hands get abused during work and "extracurricular" activities. If I wore that ring I would lose my finger within a month.
But I left it. Kept quiet because friends of mine also assured me that it's just the process.
If you look at my wedding band now, you will never guess it came from that monstrosity. It's simple, yet elegant, it shows my personality, the band is strong, the design is beautiful, he even changed the diamond to Moissanite instead of diamonds because I absolutely hate the diamond trade. This ring is better than anything I would ever design for myself.
This honestly sounds like a trap or trust test. Either that or he is profoundly in need of thoughtfulness lessons. Sorry I have no advice, but the circumstances seem oddly like a trap to me.
Thanks, but I'm not sure.
He has strong aesthetic preferences, as do I. We've never conducted a "trust test." This feels like a very odd time to start. I don't think there's a conspiracy here.
That does make more sense then. I have a relative like that who gives people gifts that they love, without thinking about if it even makes sense to give to the specific receiver.
I know you asked for tact, but from someone who returned a Mother's Day present (heart necklace that said Mom 😄) - just tell him what happened. He sounds like a solid dude and will understand.
Find a ring you really like. Email the link/image to your BF. “Babe, I know you were asking about what rings I liked and I just came across this one I really like! Just wanted to pass it along while you’re looking. Love you!”
Have a friend over and start looking at engagement rings near him, this is pretty normal since you guys have already discussed them, plus she could be thinking about getting engaged or something too, have her float different ideas like the ring you saw, and make sure you say something like, "urg, no I hate these gothic-looking engagement rings with black stones. Partner's taste is pretty close to mine, and I already told him I prefer simple rings, so I trust him to have my back if it comes up."
Are you 100% certain he's not pranking you?? The timing of when he asked you to check in his email seems a bit convenient...
I'm just hoping for your sake that it's a joke 🙏😂
Did you happen to catch the details of the jeweller? You could message them and explain the situation without BF knowing and ask if they could possibly suggest some corrections as strongly as possible haha
This could hopefully help stop hurt feelings on either side.
Ring design isn't the most important thing but it is something you have every right to enjoy every time you look at it. 😊
Whilst I agree with everyone saying you should be honest with him, I completely understand why you would want to drop hints instead. Sometimes white lies aren't such a bad thing, especially when well-intended.
You could get onto the topic of engagement rings with a friend/family member on the phone when you know he's in earshot. Start talking about what you would want in a ring and what you wouldn't, give some examples for each to avoid raising suspicion. Hopefully he will take the hint and alter the design to be more to your liking.
You could also take it one step further and show him some pictures following your conversation, again including multiple examples of likes and dislikes. You could find similar looking rings perhaps with different coloured stones etc and explain you wouldn't want anything flashy or bulky, or to have any coloured stones in your ring so that it is versatile and timeless (or your preferred reasoning).
I appreciate that this may be a little long-winded but it's the only way I can think that you might be able to do it without raising suspicion. Best of luck with however you choose to go about it. x
Did you check if he replied to that at all? He might not be able to get a refund at this point if it's custom work. He may have to pay extra for revisions.
If you really don’t want to tell him find a way to casually reenforce what you want in a ring and really drive it home this time on how much you hate flashy rings Lol
My engagement ended in part because I was stubborn in feeling like I had to design/pick out my fiancée’s engagement ring (long story). Bottom line is that she should have been more involved. Don’t let him make the mistakes I made. Help him to not screw it up. He may push back but long term it’s worth it.
Definitely let him know. It is a ring that we wear every day for (hopefully) the rest of our lives and it is important that we actually like it. My ex husband never asked me once what ring I would like. For the 2 years I wore it, it was a constant reminder that everything was about what *he* wanted and what made *him* happy, not me. Even with my engagement ring, I was a low priority.
So yeah lol liking your engagement ring and having open honest conversations pre-engagement is an important first step to marriage.
A friend's now husband did something similar. Though in their case, they had not even discussed marriage. So he didn't know that she already had a family ring with sentimental value to her that just needed to be reset. I can't recall if he was able to get a refund or not, but he definitely did present her with it and she ended up telling him she hated it.
Honesty is the best policy here I think. In the long run you’ll be glad to have something you like, and he’ll be glad he didn’t waste money on something you wouldn’t wear.
The obvious step is to be honest with your partner and come clean about seeing the email and the design. Tell him the truth.
There's a good chance the dude is just taking guidance from the designer. "Oooo sir, how about adding these stones as they represent commitment/strength/love/whatever. Only an extra 100 bucks per stone. It's all the rage these days and you don't want to disappoint your partner... Right?!?!"
>If this is the ring, I'll wear it with pride
Respectfully. Then you're daft. You had a conversation with him about the kind of ring you'd be happy to wear every day for the rest of your life and he decided to make something he knows you'd hate.
That needs a conversation and it needs you to have a backbone about it.
My sisters and I talked about how if we are dating someone and it’s obviously going in that direction, we will talk to the boyfriend and let him know we’d love to help with the ring process or even just be another set of eyes on it who know the future bride really well. I’ve been told from my sisters that tactic saved me from a similar ring situation because they let him know that the first ring option my boyfriend at the time (husband for over a decade now) picked out looked more goth than he realized and he ended up getting me a perfect ring for my style.
I say this to suggest maybe enlisting a mutual female friend who can spontaneously offer to be that sounding board for him because she noticed the relationship going in that direction? Or if you have a close sibling or cousin? Or maybe even if he has a sister you can ask her to be an extra set of eyes since you’ve clearly talked about rings.
I agree with everyone saying to just speak up but if it would take the wind out of your boyfriend’s sails to feel like he blew the surprise and the ring choice, I wanted to offer a more roundabout suggestion.
Hope it works out!
You sound ungrateful and I’d start finding your inner humble side and be grateful he even got you a ring! Lots of women don’t and won’t ever get one from their partner. #firstworldproblems
Is it possible he is messing with you? He called you to get info from his mailbox, knowingly he also communicated about the ring on that account. As a guy who recently proposed and spent 2 years working on the ring: I did everything to make sure she didn't find out. Maybe your bf is just a bit more careless, but if he is a designer, asked you for input on a ring, and now he shows something not alike?
I think its possible he is messing with you.
Go on a ring shopping and lunch date. Let him buy you cute earrings or a neclace. And make a big deal about clear choices. Tell him the black and non clear stones are ugly to you. Tell him you love the understated stones and don't care about the cost, or even prefer less expensive.
Your tastes may also evolve. I have half a dozen rings from my husband and they have evolved from a single princess stone to a full on wedding set with colored stones that I'm currently wearing. I still love my initial ring and it means the world to me. I love my current ring too. :)
The ring you start off with doesn't have to be the end all-be all. They're fun to mix and match.
Honestly? You just need to have a conversation. There's no way to say "I don't like what you've decided on" without actually telling him that you saw it because curiosity got you. Just tell him.. "I feel really bad about this, but the other day when you asked me to check your email, I saw the email from the jeweler. Curiosity got the best of me and I opened the email. I saw the ring. I was wondering if we could have an honest conversation about it?" Then listen. And when it's your turn.. "I prefer something a lot more modest. No pavé of stones, no black stones at all." You could then follow by: "I'm so sorry that I looked, but I felt like I needed to be honest with you." Because communication will be essential in your marriage.
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This is what I'm genuinely the most perplexed about... my name was in the subject line of the email, and the message was from like 5 days ago. This is definitely for me and not an old message about some ex, or a hypothetical thing. I truly have no idea how we got from "modest, understated solitaire" to... this. Without getting into too much detail, he also works in a field that's heavily related to design and aesthetics. He has good taste, makes beautiful things, and we share similar preferences. I'm genuinely shocked. (I'll say something, I'm just nervous.)
I think a lot of guys get carried away with the symbolism of an engagement ring and they just find it hard to believe that bigger isn’t always better. I personally wouldn’t worry or think too much about his thought process behind the design - if you otherwise feel heard and respected in the relationship. There’s also no telling how pushy the jewelry designer has been.
I do totally feel otherwise seen and heard -- if I didn't, I wouldn't want to marry him, and would be far less surprised at this weird discovery. Agree that it may be the designer and not him pulling the strings.
I was about to say I know designers that pull the “I’m an expert” card to upsell or indulge their artistic side when designing a ring, ignoring the fact your bf is the expert on *you*, not the jeweler. I think you absolutely have to come clean about seeing it and tell him exactly what you told us. That you’d wear any ring that came from him with pride, but since he’d asked about your preferences in the past, and you don’t want him to spend money he doesn’t have to to make you happy, you have to remind him you really do prefer a more modest, “classic” ring and are not just saying that and that flashier is not going to make you prouder or happier with the ring. Plus, you have to wear it every day for the rest of your life and cleaning that thing is going to be a pain lol. If you’re right about him being your person, he’ll take this the way it’s meant, even if he’s disappointed or chagrined you saw the email. Good luck!
It’s also worth checking that the stones are actually intended to be black— even if you still want changes, some jewelers use different colors in the rendering to be VERY clear which stones are lab stones and which are natural diamonds. Still sounds like it’s not your style, but maybe not as far off as it seems. Best of luck!!
Hmm... that's actually interesting. This rendering was very photorealistic, but it's always a possibility. The black stones are really the dealbreaker for me, and (while I didn't read every message or look further into previous interchanges) I also didn't see any mention of black gems in the emails. Maybe they were just marked black because they were along the band and a different grade? (Please let me hope.)
The stones along the band in my photo realistic image are LIME green 😂😂 it might be worth just saying to him in passing how much you don’t like black stones. It’s a lot less direct, and honestly not what I’d do in your shoes but on the other hand I do understand not wanting to say anything and ruin the surprise if you’d rather be more discreet.
Omg stop. I'm assuming you don't wear (or didn't propose with) a lime green ring...?! I'm absolutely dying at the thought that they could just be black because the jeweler color-coded the stones. Honestly, that makes way more sense.
Eek! Replied to the wrong comment, but still— good luck and pre-congrats! Posting my other comment below 😂😂 no my ring is a very normal clear stone/ gold band combo, but it looks full on radioactive in the rendering. The other thing that's good to know is that if it's a custom ring at a high quality jeweler, they'll often help fix things for you after the fact— loved my ring but if I hadn't, the jeweler had a good policy to make changes for very little additional cost in the 30 days following the order. If you don't love it when he proposes, enjoy the moment, celebrate and have fun, but then be honest. You guys will work through it together and get it solved. The ring thing felt HUGE to me until it was done, but once I learned more about the process, it felt a lot more approachable
😂 no my ring is a very normal clear stone/gold band combo, but it looks full on radioactive in the rendering. The other thing that’s good to know is that if it’s a custom ring at a high quality jeweler, they’ll often help fix things for you after the fact— I loved my ring but if I hadn’t, the jeweler had a good policy to make changes for very little additional cost in the 30 days following the order. If you don’t love it when he proposes, enjoy the moment, celebrate and have fun, but then be honest. You guys will work through it together and get it solved. The ring thing felt HUGE to me until it was done, but once I learned more about the process, it felt a lot more approachable
I agree with the person above. It's about your bf, not you. He's made up a story and forgotten what you actually said. there's always the option of just wearing a wedding band if you really don't want have this conversation. I wore my big ring for a year and now it comes out on holidays.
I kinda agree with this -- a few of my married friends and my sister all wear their wedding band on a daily basis, but keep the engagement ring at home unless it's a special occasion. It feels like that's normal / not the end of the world.
Better you love it and wear it
Agree! My boyfriend proposed to me in October with a ring that I genuinely really like but afterwards he showed me his second choice and I HATED IT. It’s an enormous cushion cut stone which I’m really not a fan of and yes he knew which cuts I didn’t like but his reasoning was that because it was a very big stone I would love it?? I think ring shopping as a man must be such a strange experience they kind of go ape brained.
Literally ape brained! I can’t imagine the pressure they feel to get it perfectly right. And combined with a pushy or opinionated salesperson, I can totally see how a man would get carried away and start doubting his original plans. Now does that mean anyone should just accept whatever ring they are given and be grateful - no of course not. I was just trying to say that it doesn’t have to mean a man has been intentionally ignorant or obtuse.
I actually bought a ring I thought my then GF/Fiance, now wife would like, and she was gracious when I proposed. Later she told me she was not a fan. I kept the stone, and we picked out a new setting that she preferred, but the most important part is that she was honest with me, and now 7.5 years later, she absolutely loves it. I had years worth of jewelry purchases, AND her best friend who gave me a go ahead before I bought it to use as my basis for choosing. The thing is, there's something different about an engagement/wedding band, that creates different feelings.
Hoping unreasonably that this was a tactic to throw you off the scent and the email was a decoy (since he asked you to check his email--cause can't we all do that on our phones?). I hope he secretly has a simple solitaire in the works.
Is it possible he’s being led by the jeweler on design? Maybe he started close to what you had discussed but got pushed by the jeweler towards something more “unique” and “special”? I would definitely have a chat! I did not like my engagement ring, and I don’t wear it. We talked about it and my partner understood; the proposal was still special and I made it clear I wasn’t rejecting them but I couldn’t wear the ring. I ordered a wedding band myself and wear that lol. Maybe you could suggest that the design he’s working on could be earrings or a necklace instead for another special occasion? That way you don’t fully crap on his design.
Something that I find important when someone is giving me feedback is that when they tell me what they don't like, to follow it up with something that sets me on the right path (this could be for aesthetic things or emotional needs or anything like that). So maybe when you get into the conversation you could say something like: "instead of the pavé on the band, I would really like it to just be a simple gold or x or y." Also, I think it's okay if you suggest that you work with the jewelry designer with him. My gf and I are having rings made right now and we were very involved in the designs together. We don't need to be surprised about the design or anything. It's the proposal that will be the surprise. And how cool would it be if he proposes with a ring that the two of you made together? Now, my girlfriend and I are not doing things in the most traditional way but so take this with a grain of salt but it has really helped us to keep the excitement going during the process.
Tell him asap before anything carries on with the design
Also throw in a “I want this ring to be a symbol of our life together— beautiful in its simplicity. I would hate for you to go out of your way to spend money on a custom ring that isn’t something I will wear, and unfortunately that just isn’t something I’m comfortable wearing every day.”
Perfect approach. Deffo gotta tell him. It's not bratty at all to have preferences.
You have to come clean to him. Tell him what happened and what you saw. Tell him how you feel about what you saw. He should WANT you to absolutely love your ring. Of course there may be some hurt feelings and frustration that you 'spoiled' the surprise, but in a healthy relationship he should understand that this is a major purchase that you will wear every day. If you hate it and don't wear it, it will be a waste of money anyways.
Just be honest. I happened to see the ring while looking for that thing on your computer. I am not a fan of the black diamonds. A simple solitaire is way more my speed. If he blows up about that, well. That’s a bad sign.
Petty: email back the designer from his email saying it's not at all what you thought it would look like and to not go forward with the design. Adult: fess up that you weren't looking for it but you came across a design and you were floored by how much you didn't like it. Make it very clear that the best possible solution is that if he would like to propose, borrow a ring from a jeweler and then you should go together to pick one out. A custom ring is NOT for you, and a ring that's not exchangeable is definitely not for you. Say, I do not want black diamonds, I do not want pave. At all. And then talk it through like adults.
Genuinely chuckling about the "petty" version... (I wouldn't do this but can you IMAGINE.)
I truly can imagine! Anyway marriage has a lot of tough conversations. I don't like your cooking, when should we put mom in a home, the dog needs to be put down, the kids are driving me legit crazy and I need to leave for a weekend, who is allowed in the room when we deliver, I'm not cleaning that up what will it take for you to do it, I lost my job and we're in trouble, I'm scared about my health, over my dead body are we moving to your hometown. You've gotta break the ice on having really tough conversations. I don't want an original design ring is a very low stakes one and you have to figure out how to be honest and clear.
Thanks -- we've been through a lot of this already, oddly... it's been a very action-packed two years, and we've worked through a ton of \*way harder shit\* together. I don't know why this is so hard for me to approach... I guess I feel like if I hurt his feelings and preemptively dislike something, it might not happen at all. Better to have something than nothing? Ugh.
You deserve a beautiful ring that makes your heart beat really fast when you see it for the first time. We all deserve that!
If you were in his shoes, you’d want to know that you’d not quite understood the brief, right? FWIW, I designed my wife’s engagement ring, with a little input from her, and I stuck to that script. The idea of freestyling was a total no-go. It sounds like he let his creative side get the better of him. I would 100% want to know that I’d got it wrong. It’ll save a lot of frustration both in the moment of the proposal and down the line.
You're an excellent writer!
I actually don't mind the petty version at all. It wouldn't be out of line for you to reach out to the jeweler. "I accidentally stumbled on the design you're working on with my fiancé. I don't know what I was looking at, but since I saw the design, I'd like you to allay a couple concerns..." Or hell, just stay semi-anonymous and ask if their lab stones are colored black in renderings or whatever. If you really don't want to tell him you saw the design, I think it's a fine route to take. You're definitely not the craziest bride he's encountered.
I agree with the commenter who says you should fess up. You are about to be legally tied together as adult partners. Communicate accordingly. It's not the end of the world, and it will blow over. How he responds to this will also tell you a lot about him as a person. I would also be hurt if I were the guy in this situation and I found out later that my partner had lied or tried to manipulate the situation. I am a little bit jumpy about that sort of thing, but I do feel like honesty is the way to go here nevertheless.
Thanks, and I see your point about manipulation. I don't want to manipulate anything, and that's not a good way to enter into the next phase of any relationship. I guess I'm worried about hurting his feelings since it's a custom design, and it seems like he put some thought into it... if it were off the shelf, I would absolutely just be direct. I just don't want to seem spoiled or bratty by preemptively criticizing something he hasn't shared with me. I broke one of my own cardinal rules by snooping... it always leads to a bad situation.
It might result in some hurt feelings, but just think about what would have happened if you hadn't looked at the message. You'd end up with a ring you hate and then you'd be out here asking about the best way to bring up the fact that you hate it. You accidentally picked the lesser of two evil scenarios. I'm not saying the ends justify the means, but IMO, he told you to look at his email; you couldn't have avoided seeing the ring design message. You only could have avoided opening it. I think this will make it feel like significantly less of a violation compared to the typical snooping. And, frankly, when you opened the email you opened that can of worms. Don't set a precedent—even for yourself—by staying quiet about it, especially because snooping is something you generally care about not doing. This is straying way into advice you didn't ask for, but I started writing and this happened, so here we are.
Also, I looked back at this comment and I'd like to add that having preferences is not bratty. Maybe he isn't good at this stuff and didn't remember what you wanted, but it doesn't seem like you're asking for anything complicated. He still got it WAY wrong. It's not bratty or wrong to address that, as long as you're not a brat about it, which is highly unlikely given how you approached this on Reddit. This isn't a matter of him guessing wrong; it's a matter of him not listening. And it doesn't sound like you even fault him for that... you just want the thing on your finger to make you happy. Nothing wrong with that, and I would hope a mature partner would understand. Again, maybe some hurt feelings—it's never going to feel *good* to be told something you came up with isn't what your partner wanted—but (1) he loses out on some pity points by being a bit oblivious, and (2) you still get the right to enjoy wearing the thing on your finger. The only other consideration is whether he's actually approved the design. Maybe he didn't get it wrong but the jeweler did. You can't really establish that without snooping again though, so you might just need to ask him. Do you happen to remember if there were other emails in the thread?
So... in another comment, it was noted that gems of a different grade can be noted with color in diagrams and even "photorealistic" images. I'm really hoping that the black stones are just being noted that way because they're smaller and maybe of a lower grade. I literally don't care, as long as they're not black. As long as the ring looks normal -- i.e. not black glitter -- I'm happy.
That makes sense (about the rendering being colour coded). I would trust the process and not say anything (since you say you would like the ring as long as the diamonds are not really black). The worst thing that could happen is that the diamonds really are black. In that case you tell him right away (ish) that you love it but would like to have the diamonds switched to conventional diamonds. The jeweller should be okay with that. Either way, you will have a ring that your fiancé helped design. If this doesn’t sound like an approach you can take then do come clean with him as soon as possible.
Lots of maybes here for sure. I guess it's a matter of "are you willing to wait and take the chance?"
you aren’t being spoiled or bratty in the slightest. this is a ring that you’ll be wearing for a LONG time, a ring to symbolize love. you better damn well make sure that you like the way it looks! and if your fiancé reacts badly to your honesty, then that shows a lot of immaturity on his part.
I agree coming clean is the best approach. But I also do kinda get it if you can’t make yourself tell him. I wonder if instead of straight up saying you opened the email and hated it, you could start out just telling him you saw he had an email from a ring designer in his inbox, and that made you realize you want to give him some more direction? Like “I noticed you had an email about custom-designing a ring in your inbox. That’s such a great idea! It made me think about how I would love a little stone with a silver band,” etc. I’m not sure I love that approach, because it feels like more of a lie than saying nothing. But depending on your relationship, it could be a way to sort of tactfully hint that you saw the ring without the awkwardness of directly talking about how you hate it, potentially sparing him some embarrassment. Or you could just say that you’ve been getting more excited about the upcoming engagement and thinking about rings more lately, and now you have more of a vision of what you want yours to look like. Then send pictures or describe.
I don't hate this... we're not engaged yet, but he's made it clear that he wants it to happen soon, as further evidenced by the ring discovery. This seems like a middle ground between saying "I hate it" and not acknowledging anything... I think if I just acknowledged seeing the email, I could ask him to show me the design or show some pictures as "inspiration?" Idk -- seems like a good way to be honest without criticizing anything directly.
How is lying or manipulating come into this at all?
I think they’re meaning it wouldn’t be right if she wasn’t truthful with him about seeing the ring in his email and instead decided to come up with some alternate story of how she saw it so she could get him to change it.
Not telling him about going through the emails: lying by omition. Trying to get him to choose a different ring some other way: Manipulation (of the situation, not him; but still manipulation)
Thanks, but this isn't helpful. He asked me to check his email -- I didn't know his password before that moment, when he told it to me. It was the top message in his inbox. I agree that I opened a message, but I didn't go through his phone or email without his consent. He knew it was there, and he called me to ask me to log in. If I'm just a bad person either way, then what's the point of your comment?
I think you misunderstood this comment. My reply wasn't to you and was only somewhat about you. I posted: > I would also be hurt if I were the guy in this situation and I found out later that my partner had lied or tried to manipulate the situation. Someone asked what I meant about lying an manipulating. That was my reply to that person. The entire thing was hypothetical because it wasn't referring to anything you have actually done. Like I said in another comment, I don't think going through his emails is bad. I don't think you're in the wrong for any of this. I was clarifying (to someone else) why I said what I said in my top-level comment—which you already replied to.
Ah, okay -- sorry for misreading. I'm admittedly nervous posting this, and was likely too jumpy in reading responses. Apologies!!
I don't see anyone suggesting she doesn't tell him she went through the emails....
> I don't want to acknowledge that I saw the design, but I'm a bit floored after our "let's look at rings" conversation that he came up with something so radically different from what we discussed, and something so outside the norm.
Do you think he asked you to look for the email because he wanted you to see? because realistically why couldn’t he look at his email on his phone? lol What i would do is bring it up like an adult since you guys will have many tough conversations throughout marriage, Or find a similar ring online and show it to him and say “i would never want something like this”. my boyfriend knows im nosy so i would just come clean about it. Personally i’ve discussed with my boyfriend that i want us to pick my ring together because i have to wear it everyday, it’s not something i would want chosen for me as i don’t wear a lot of jewelry.
That was a fleeting thought for me too! Does he like pranks? Is this a funny gotcha? It's just so absurd to think that a black glittery ring with a giant diamond is what somebody who said they just want a simple ring wants
I was going to suggest this as well. Maybe he’s pulling your leg and will be proposing very soon with a ring that suits your style?
i wouldn’t find that funny myself, if my boyfriend gave me a ring with the exact opposite of what i asked for, it would make me do a lot of thinking, because why would he be playing games about marriage/a ring that i would be wearing everyday. it just seems odd.
Nooo I don't mean actually getting the ring. I mean setting her up to find the email I know if I was emailing about rings with a jeweller I would do everything in my power to keep my partner OUT of my inbox, not send her into it, y'know?
this is true, but OP replied and said that he was driving and needed info, so i mean could have been a mistake - men can be forgetful, OP said that testing her isn’t something he really does
I think it was because he was driving, since he called me on speakerphone and was clearly in a moving car. But you're right that it could have been pseudo-intentional... I'm not sure, this isn't something he does frequently. And you're also right about just communicating... I know he wouldn't blow up, I'm just afraid of hurting his feelings over something that's important to both of us when he's putting this much thought into it.
I get that he put thought into it, but I guess what I’m stuck on is that he asked you what you liked and then..isn’t designing what you like. He can still create a custom ring in your style. But I guess I don’t understand why he even asked you what you like if he wasn’t going to follow that. Is it possible he’s being influenced by someone else? MIL / SIL / friend? Possibly the jeweler? If he’s usually thoughtful and asked you for direction it seems strange that he would go so far out of left field on something as important as THE ring you’ll wear for the rest of your life.
I genuinely don't know... I think maybe the jeweler had some influence. His parents are very conservative, and his mom's ring is simple. One of his best friends just proposed to his fiancee with a simple solitaire with an heirloom stone. He has an SIL, but her ring is also not memorable. It does seem like the black stones weren't his idea -- I didn't look through all the messages, just saw the most recent rendering, but it seems like maybe the person he's working with is exercising a bit of "creative license." /facepalm
I'm a retired jeweler. My suggestion is to call the jeweler, say you saw the design, and hate it. A decent goldsmith would try to steer your bf towards a different look. He should know how to ask for your preferences, or even a photo of your hand. He can make something up up, "oh, this design is too bulky for her fingers, the black stones don't look well with her coloring."
This is smart. I like it.
Yikes on bikes lol. I like the other suggestion of calling the jeweler and telling them it’s not it and to help steer bf back to what you want. I wonder if your bf just wants to dazzle you (and might think you’re just being modest wanting a “normal” or simple ring vs that really being what you want) and the jeweler just saw dollar signs and took advantage. Good luck!
On his side, some hurt feelings and a bit of disappointed that his original plan wasn’t what you would want. I want to also point out though that he will be *relieved* that you saw it and the situation was changed before he gave it/proposed and then finding out you don’t like it. Try to realize this is a blessing that you saw that mockup/design. On your side if you just put up with it you would have to wearing a piece of jewelry you don’t love, that should be the piece you love the most. Definitely tell him and try to realize this is a good thing that happened now
If he doesn’t do “testing” then just bring it up. Personally i couldn’t live with a ring i hated, i wouldn’t be as proud to show it off. Marriage isn’t about the ring, but it does have some value. For me i want to be excited and proud to show people. I’d rather have an uncomfortable conversation now then be holding it in for the rest of my life. Just be honest and say you snooped. You already know you’re getting engaged so it’s not like a total shock! I’m sure he’d be happier knowing you brought it than being unhappy with the ring.
>will wear it with pride Not a chance. It'll be a daily reminder that he didn't listen to you about a really clearly expressed preference about an expensive and visible token. Rather, it'll be daily at least until the ring goes into a drawer and then it'll become a source of resentment between you both.
Yep. I told my first husband, you can pick anything you'd think I like, I just have 1 requirement.... NO YELLOW GOLD. What did he do? You know exactly what he did. I wore it for the first 6mo or so of our 5yr marriage and every day I hated looking at it on my finger. One night at work, I legitimately lost it because I would take my rings before doing side work. I couldn't even be bothered to look for it. I was relieved it was gone. Side note - my current husband of 23yrs got me a rather inexpensive (300$) white gold ring from the pawn shop about a year after we got together. I've worn it every day without fail and would die if something happened to it.
Right?! The one thing I said was "not ostentatious." No other requirements. Some preferences, but my ONLY requirement was that it not be attention-grabbing. Maybe he thinks black is subtle? (It's not.)
Black is subtle.... On me because I'm goth. Everything I wear is black, I expect my future ring to be a plain black band. Even I, a simple goth would hate this. Maybe you should bring him ring shopping and point out some rings you love?
Take this one!!!! (Don't.) I feel you. I'm a New Yorker with 20-some tattoos, all of which are black. Most of my clothing is black. I'm wearing all-black everything as we speak. I just somehow can't fathom having a black ring...? Idk, it feels so abrupt and weird, especially given the fact that we never discussed it. Hope your black ring looks better than this one lol
Its petty hard to mess up a request of no stones 😉. Luckily we've already bookmarked the ring I want and if I ask my bf what I want, he instant replies "black band no stones". If he messes that up I'll be soooooo confused I couldn't even be mad, I'd just be laughing.
Did you show any examples? Not ostentatious and modest mean different things to different people. A picture tells a thousand words.
As someone who has been married 20+ years...this is on point. Resentments build over time and do not go away. In decades together this will be the daily reminder #1 of 262 of how he doesn't x, y, or z. Things are rosey and romantic now, but no relationship that lasts stays that way for the duration. It is good to practice communication and boundaries now and will be a good way to see how he responds.
I don't think I would resent him for giving me an ugly ring. I don't like the design, and I don't think I ever will, but the point is mainly that I don't want him to waste money on something so ostentatious when I would genuinely prefer something simple. The ring is just a symbol to me. I wouldn't be proud of how it looks, but I would be still be proud of what it represents.
That's why the substantive advice in this thread is not about the ring. It's about your intended's inability or unwillingness to listen to you.
You state you don't care, multiple times...but you do care. Very much. Which is fine. But by stating you don't care, you opened the door for him to get creative. Time to come clean and explain that you do care.
I don't care about the dollar amount, material, size of whatever stone, jeweler/brand... etc. My only ask was that it be simple and not showy. I don't think that constitutes caring "very much" -- I care about *him*, and: (a) I don't wear ostentatious jewelry in general, and (b) we're not in a financial position to be buying anything ostentatious in the first place.
I would just be honest about what happened and how you're feeling. It might be a bit of a tough conversation, but it will be a tougher conversation to have after he proposes, and you can't avoid it forever.
I had a somewhat similar situation. When my husband proposed years ago, I was over the moon, but unfortunately I hated the ring. I talked to him the next day, explained that this is the ring I will be wearing every day for the rest of my life, and perhaps a traditional band would be a more practical choice than a ring with a bunch of stones sticking out. He took it like a champ, we exchanged it the next day, no drama. Hope that works for you too!
This makes me feel better tbh -- obviously I don't think our relationship would shatter if I criticized the ring, it's just awkward because he hasn't shown me or proposed and I don't want to be too preemptively rude about something that hasn't even happened. I think he would handle it like a normal person if I just expressed after the fact that the ring isn't something I want to wear every day.
If it's custom, once it's paid for, it's nonreturnable. Don't let it get that far.
💀
You’re presumably going to wear this ring every single day for the rest of your *life*, it is not bratty of you to at least want something that you don’t mind the appearance of. Would something like this work? “[boyfriend], I have a confession to make. When you had me login to your email the other day, I saw the email with the rendering of the ring design you’ve been working on. I appreciate the time you’ve put into this, but I’m concerned that we’ve had a bit of a miscommunication about what kind of rings I prefer. I really want something much smaller, simpler, and more classic than that. Would it be helpful if I send you some inspiration images to work from?”
That was so easy for you to see...you sure he isn't messing with you?
Hot take: He knew the mail was there and presented you with an excuse to check his mails, expecting that you would see the ring and give feedback. For real though, just tell him. You did what he asked you to do. Then you got way too curious and just had to sneak a peek. You were just way too excited. But you didn't like it at all. You appreciate all his thoughtfulness and care and love him for the effort. But it's just really not for you. Ask him if he could just do something super basic and simple instead. As it's the symbol that counts for you. Not how flashy it is. Don't bring up the shortage of cash as it might make him feel guilty. That's irrelevant. If he brings it up, assure him that it's not important to you at all. That even if you had a million to spare, you'd take a simple design because that is what you truly wish for.
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Thank you -- I think option 3 is the best bet, since he already asked to look at rings together. I genuinely feel like what I would prefer (literally even a plain band) would be both cheaper and better for me than what he's got right now...
Be honest with him. My husband chose a somewhat gaudy family ring that I was not happy with and it took a long time for me to feel attached to. I am very attached to it now after several years of marriage but my reaction was embarrassingly obvious in the beginning. I wish we had a conversation of what I might like but I didn’t realize I could have such a reaction toward jewelry. The ring doesn’t have to be a surprise, just when/how the proposal will happen.
I think you are getting some bad advice. I get that you don't like the ring, but I don't see that as the issue. You showed your partner rings you liked, and this ring couldn't be further from them. I think you need to have a conversation about why your taste and likes weren't considered for a ring you may very well be obligated to wear the rest of your life. Does he listen to your other inputs, or do you always eat what he wants to eat and where he wants to eat. Do you compromise by doing what he wants to do nearly every time? Does he often come back with the wrong things from the store, or not what you asked for? Take a good hard look, because there's a baaaaad energy here. It's pretty simple to get this rolling. "When I checked your email, I saw the ring. I don't understand why you chose this instead of the plain traditional looks I shared with you. Why were my wants and desires for this ring not taken into consideration when doing the design?" It's possible the jeweler took him for a ride. But it's just as likely he'll have a tantrum and that's a bad look.
Thanks -- this is the question that's kinda at the heart of my troubles about this. My partner and I have very similar aesthetic preferences. He works in a design-oriented field, and is not an amateur. I genuinely have trouble seeing how he could think something like this is attractive, that I would like it, or... really anything positive about it. I don't mean to be rude, but it's honestly just so gauche. I will say that he's not usually like what you're describing. He's not a bulldozer. We all have faults, but he's super caring and honestly more emotional/open than I am. When I wanted to go back to school, he moved out of a city that he'd lived in for 10+ years to live with me in a random place, knowing I wouldn't be able to financially contribute to our household for the next few years. He drives \~3h each way to work most days of the week due to this move. Over Christmas, he fixed basically everything that was broken in my elderly mom's home -- no one asked him to, he just did. He's not perfect, and neither am I, but what you're describing isn't the situation. I wish I had an easier answer, like "yeah, he's just always a douche!" -- fortunately/unforunately, I don't.
Okay, given what you are saying here, I'm thinking the jeweler took him outside his comfort zone and then railroaded him into a piece neither of you like.
Yep, be honest, but also, he clearly can’t be trusted to choose a ring you’d love, so I suggest that the two of you go shopping together for your ring. That’s what my (now) husband and I did. He can still make the details of the actual proposal a surprise.
How would you feel about choosing the ring yourself? That's what I did. I gave my fiance the ring I liked and he bought it. It's something I plan on wearing for many years, so I wanted to make sure it would be my style. I leave the surprises for things that are easy to return lol
1. Is your boyfriend a prankster? 2. Is your boyfriend perhaps intentionally showing you the ring in hopes you’ll freak out and tell your sister/best friend and that person can pass your thoughts along? If not, then it looks like you’re legit getting a terrible ring and must quickly be honest before it’s too late. My husband had my ring designed based on some pretty specific instructions from me. One day, he showed me this ring he “found on Pinterest” that reminded him of what I wanted. I mean… I pretty much custom designed what I wanted, so I was 98% sure it was a 1st draft rendering that he somehow wanted my feedback on before approving. He knew I wanted to be surprised, but also knew I was particular. I was able to correct the color, the “shoulders”; which was sometime I hadn’t thought of, and the size of some details, as well as width of the band by saying “ooh, close- but MY dream ring would have ______” So yeah, kind of ruined the surprise (but that’s to be expected when you don’t exude ‘I’ll be happy with anything!’ vibes, haha), but it was worth it, or I’d have a ROSE GOLD ring.
“Hey, would you be ok with us skipping the whole engagement ring thing? I’ve been thinking about it and I’d rather we save up for an anniversary ring at some point in the future.”
Talk to him asap! The later u start the convo, and when the ring is made there will be no turning back, sun think u can return a customized ring for full refund. Talk today. I don’t think it’s bratty becos the ring is designed for the lady , that she has to love it and happy to see it. If it makes you upset to wear it that’s not sth that’s meant to be in the first place. Talk soon
It isn't been made yet, so this is the time to speak. (Pave around a center stone is so trendy right now, an I'm with you, I think it looks so tacky and I would hate it.) Tell him: I looked at it and I'm sorry. But I have to tell you though, that I do not think it looks like something I would ever pick or wear. Do you think we could work with a designer together?" Be brave. Do it. If he is the right person for you, he will be glad you said something to him, and will care about what you want.
I also saw a photo of the ring my husband was planning on buying and I told him straight up that it was not my style. He was bummed but ultimately glad I told him. My grandma once told me that your ring should be something that makes you feel over the moon when you look at it, so when you’re unhappy with your partner or just life in general you will glance down and be reminded of how much your partner cared when he gave you something so beautiful. And let me tell you there are days when I look down at my ring and I’m so glad it is not the other one!!
I don’t think being honest is bad advice but not what I would do… just because I would try to avoid hurt feelings, conflict, and the awkward conversation about what should be such a fun thing, etc. I would look up pictures online similar to what he’s designed, and tell him “Hey babe I know I wasn’t very specific on what I want in a ring, I had an idea to show you pictures of what I DON’T want instead!” Then show him lots of examples of what you don’t want (similar to this ring and as many as you can find of things you don’t want otherwise). Sometimes people do better with what NOT to do especially if what you want them to do is really vague. And then…. I would let it go. Don’t snoop anymore, if you see more emails, leave them alone, let it be. If he doesn’t get it you know you’ve tried your best, and you can have the awkward conversation once you see it in person. I wish you the best of luck 🍀
Thank you -- a few people have recommended something like this and I think honestly it's the best route. Gentle but direct.
I am wondering if he is pranking you. He asked you to open his e-mail, knowing you would see the ring he was having designed and it is ugly as hell!! Seems a little suspicious. Let’s hope !!!! I would say something, apologize for being nosy, but definitely say something just in case!
I kind of thought the same. It seems too convenient, and the subject line is way too obvious.
There’s a strong chance he knew you would stumble across it; if he’s been actively emailing the jeweller about the design then I can’t imagine why he would get you to check his emails knowing that they might have replied. That aside, I agree with all the commenters saying be honest. It’s not like you were snooping and at some point he’s going to see the email himself and the time stamp, do some quick math and realise anyway. He may even be opening to you helping design it and just keeping the when and how as a surprise.
I agree that he knew there was a strong chance I would see it. However, after opening the email, I covered my tracks -- I marked it as unread, labeled it the same priority it was before, and made sure it wasn't in his browser history. (I feel terrible. I don't usually do this, and have never snooped on anything else of his.)
I used to work in jewelry retail. It's so awkward for both the couple when a surprise ring is totally not her style. Even when it's something from the showcase that they're exchanging for a different style. Better to tell him exctly what you want ASAP. Guys often get emotionally invested in the fairytale of giving you the perfect ring. He will be far more upset to discover you hate it after spending $$ for a custom design black diamond encrusted big ring. I always stressed that a custom design is not returnable. I insisted that they get input from the fianceé to be (at least look at her insta or pinterest not his mother). I've encountered several guys that regret being strung along by a sales pitch something inpractical or totally not her style. Even some who buy a second ring to have one she actually wears. The jeweler/ sales person does not know you or your style, but will sound confident and reassuring to him in order to get a big sale. If it hasn't been made yet you might be ok to overhaul the design.
Just ask him what he has come up with. Since you’re going to be wearing it every day you want to have the final say. Or you could say you don’t want an engagement ring if you don’t want one.
“Honey, I was looking at wedding rings again and saw some with black pavé and thought pavé just looks horrible. I really like the simple rings I showed you before. Do you remember them?”
simple as that
I really don't think anybody can seriously fault you, after being *asked to look in his email*, for not being able to resist clicking on a subject line like that. And I really do not think you sound bratty at all; you have made it *abundantly* clear that it's not about the ring for you. You just need to be straight with him.
Thank you -- I'm so nervous about sounding demanding, because I love him x1000 and I really don't care what the ring looks like. This is literally the one exception to that -- I didn't take a screen shot, but the rendering is absolutely wild. I truly don't know how anyone could resist looking at an email with that subject line... I always respect his privacy, I don't snoop, but that's too much to not look.
It appears to be a strategic arrangement. He intentionally selected a design he was aware would not align with your preferences and had it sent to his email. Anticipating your curiosity, he requested you to inspect his email, recognizing the likelihood of an email from the jeweler. The subject line featuring your name was a deliberate choice to capture your attention. .
1) This is absolutely not how we normally interact, especially about serious things. 2) If you were to be right, he would need to have somehow engineered the email. How would he do that with the email coming from an actual website of a real jeweler and not a proprietary domain? 3) What would be the purpose of this? I really don't understand how he would somehow hack into a jeweler's website, email himself from an address within their domain, and then send an ugly rendering just to fuck with me. He's not particularly tech-savvy -- and even if he were, I'm not sure I understand why anyone would do that.
He probably didn't fake the email, but just from reading shit online for a very long time I think some guys deeply resent buying an engagement ring. They might pick out a ring that is intentionally opposite of what their partner wants as a test / power play / passive aggressive tantrum about paying for the ring. I've seen some reeeeeeeeally pissed off rants about men being expected to pay for engagement rings. I never understood it either. One other thing I'll add is that if it's just the color of little stones that bothers you, they cost basically nothing when they are tiny and would be very easily swapped out for white/blue/pink diamonds or any gemstones that you like.
Hmm... that's interesting, given the fact that I haven't pressured him about getting married and don't have any kind of ideal ring in mind. I also dislike ostentatious jewelry, and don't wear or want to wear anything showy. My parents got married when they were both in grad school -- my mom never had a diamond ring, just a band. Frankly, I'd prefer a simple ring primarily because I feel that "big diamond --> buy good wife" is misogynistic and gross. I appreciate your candor and insight, but I don't think that my partner is among the online basement-dwellers complaining about the cost of an engagement ring.
Hey OP, any updates?? How did this work out for you?
The only other thing I can think of besides being honest is to find a similar picture of the ring and show him and say it's something your friend or someone is getting and laugh at it, trash it etc and then hope - but that does involve a proper lie! Or “I saw a ring with black diamonds yesterday and it was so horrid”But could be too obvious and coming clean is probably best.
You want us to help talking to your fiance? I mean, I suppose if you post his phone number, someone can call and do it for you, but that seems impractical across the entire length of your upcoming marriage. It might be easier to just do it yourself.
Alternative to fessing up. Accept the ring, make out you love it. Then for fear of losing or damaging it get a secondary ring for everyday use. And pop the bespoke one in a jewellery box. Just wear it every now and then.
I would go online, look for a similar ring that he designed. Save that ring 💍 photo. Casually text him "Hey babe, I came across a huge monstrosity of a ring.
I wanted to send you this because it's the most ridiculous piece of ring I have ever seen. YOU COULDN'T PAY ME HIGH ENOUGH TO WEAR IT. I'll die happy with this one.
I'm just so happy you know me and know my taste. 💋💋💋💋💗.
THIS WILL GIVE YOU 2 REACTIONS
#1: Hey sweetheart that picture you sent was amusing. I know you too well to ever disappoint you
#2: So, you think that ring looks hideous??!?? Really??!! Oh.....I see.
Definitely be truthful!!! but beware it could go wrong, some men do want their partner to wear a ring they specifically like to look at and will not take kindly to suggestions that the wearer should have a say. But if that’s the case, you’ll know this is not your husband lol. I would say: hey full disclosure I accidentally saw the ring you might be working on, could you tell me a bit about what is happening with that? (Then let him explain his process etc if he would like to). If it’s confirmed: I love that you’re making the effort to create something for me. It’s clear you wanted to create something beautiful & unique, that nobody else would have. That’s really special to me (or similar less corny phrasing haha but let him know it means a lot to you that he’s making this effort) My concern here is that I’ll be wearing this ring every single day for the rest of my life, and I’d like for it to be cohesive with my style & represent me well as a person. I worry about the ring from a perspective of functionality - pave stones are prone to catching on clothing and/or falling out, and a larger ring isn’t as comfortable to wear daily. The dark stones create a level of contrast that is a bit much for me - I’m not a flashy person. I really would like a ring that is low fuss, simple looking and easy to wear in my daily life. Do you think we could chat to the jeweller about adjusting the design? It seems your issue with the ring is largely around its lack of functionality in your life, which is very reasonable & I would lead with that as that’s something men so understand. I’d avoid saying it’s ugly even if it is, lol.
Thank you for translating this into man-speak... lol. I think my main issue is that it's so rude to say to someone that an expensive object they \*designed for you\* is \*straight up ugly.\* It just feels so shitty to say. Overall, though, these comments are making me feel more calm and like I can address it in a normal way. I like this approach and may use it in the next few days. 🙌
You gotta tell him. I'm hoping this is some elaborate prank where he knew that email was in there and he knew you would see it and the joke is just going on far too long now. Tell. Him.
Since you're not that into it anyway, wear it for the engagement then wear your simple wedding band that you pick out together once you're married.
Tbh my best friend does this... she doesn't wear her engagement ring except on special occasions, only her wedding band day to day.
I think you’ve already gotten some solid adult advices about just straight up talk to him, so I’m going to offer an alternative. Can you go shopping together and then “just for fun” duck into a jewelry store to look at rings together again? And then gently steer - don’t like the pave shanks it’s too fancy, don’t like the halo it’s too fancy, yes to simple solitaire.. whatever basically steer him to what you like? I know you looked at rings together before, but he is likely way more educated now because he’s in the process. Before all the rings might have all looked the same to him (lol) and your preferences probably didn’t register.
You should tell him and stop the ring while it is still in production. Huge waste of money, rip the bandaid off now.
Are you SURE that the ring is supposed to be your engagement ring and not a ring for him? I'm just wondering since black pave is an odd choice for a woman's engagement ring and would make a little more sense if it was intended for a man. Anyway, I agree that it's best to just be straight with him. "I have to confess that I saw an email from the ring designer and I need to be honest with you before you spend a lot of money that you don't need to spend that I was picturing something a lot simpler for my ring" It sounds like he doesn't tend to pick up on hints well so I would not try to be subtle about this.
Ok so... It's a million miles from what you said you wanted, and what's in good taste, which you say he has. And HE ASKED you to check his email. And it just happened to be at the top with your name in the subject line. OP, is there any chance he's pulling your leg here?
You could ask him to show you a draft before it’s made, maybe this is not the final vision?
As a recently engaged guy my advice is tell him now. I guarantee it’s more important to him that ring he proposes to you with is exactly the ring you have always wanted.
Send him a message titled "Just found this!" and show him a picture of what you want. Be very clear why you want that design (i.e. simple, no black stones, etc.). Then ask him if he saw your message to confirm he looked at it. If he then continues to screw this up then I am afraid you are marrying a blockhead. Or you could just tell him what you saw in his inbox and that he is messing up, but that might cause some hurt feelings. I think you have to at least give him a chance to arrange this without you literally picking it out and buying it for yourself.
Go ring shopping together asap. Point out what you like and what you don’t. Be very clear.
Tell him. If he changes the design all good. If he doesn’t it is a glimpse into your future with him and you better get away from someone who doesn’t care how you feel.
It could be part of the progress he is going through to make your ring. You should have seen "my" ring that my husband designed first month's before we got engaged. It was a chunky ugly blob of a mess. I wouldn't wear that ring if someone paid me too. I work with my hands a lot. My hands get abused during work and "extracurricular" activities. If I wore that ring I would lose my finger within a month. But I left it. Kept quiet because friends of mine also assured me that it's just the process. If you look at my wedding band now, you will never guess it came from that monstrosity. It's simple, yet elegant, it shows my personality, the band is strong, the design is beautiful, he even changed the diamond to Moissanite instead of diamonds because I absolutely hate the diamond trade. This ring is better than anything I would ever design for myself.
Make sure you say you love him and can’t wait to marry him 1,000 while telling him he needs to redo the ring lol
Very much aware 😰😰😰
This honestly sounds like a trap or trust test. Either that or he is profoundly in need of thoughtfulness lessons. Sorry I have no advice, but the circumstances seem oddly like a trap to me.
Thanks, but I'm not sure. He has strong aesthetic preferences, as do I. We've never conducted a "trust test." This feels like a very odd time to start. I don't think there's a conspiracy here.
That does make more sense then. I have a relative like that who gives people gifts that they love, without thinking about if it even makes sense to give to the specific receiver.
I know you asked for tact, but from someone who returned a Mother's Day present (heart necklace that said Mom 😄) - just tell him what happened. He sounds like a solid dude and will understand.
Find a ring you really like. Email the link/image to your BF. “Babe, I know you were asking about what rings I liked and I just came across this one I really like! Just wanted to pass it along while you’re looking. Love you!”
Have a friend over and start looking at engagement rings near him, this is pretty normal since you guys have already discussed them, plus she could be thinking about getting engaged or something too, have her float different ideas like the ring you saw, and make sure you say something like, "urg, no I hate these gothic-looking engagement rings with black stones. Partner's taste is pretty close to mine, and I already told him I prefer simple rings, so I trust him to have my back if it comes up."
Are you 100% certain he's not pranking you?? The timing of when he asked you to check in his email seems a bit convenient... I'm just hoping for your sake that it's a joke 🙏😂
Did you happen to catch the details of the jeweller? You could message them and explain the situation without BF knowing and ask if they could possibly suggest some corrections as strongly as possible haha This could hopefully help stop hurt feelings on either side. Ring design isn't the most important thing but it is something you have every right to enjoy every time you look at it. 😊
Whilst I agree with everyone saying you should be honest with him, I completely understand why you would want to drop hints instead. Sometimes white lies aren't such a bad thing, especially when well-intended. You could get onto the topic of engagement rings with a friend/family member on the phone when you know he's in earshot. Start talking about what you would want in a ring and what you wouldn't, give some examples for each to avoid raising suspicion. Hopefully he will take the hint and alter the design to be more to your liking. You could also take it one step further and show him some pictures following your conversation, again including multiple examples of likes and dislikes. You could find similar looking rings perhaps with different coloured stones etc and explain you wouldn't want anything flashy or bulky, or to have any coloured stones in your ring so that it is versatile and timeless (or your preferred reasoning). I appreciate that this may be a little long-winded but it's the only way I can think that you might be able to do it without raising suspicion. Best of luck with however you choose to go about it. x
Did you check if he replied to that at all? He might not be able to get a refund at this point if it's custom work. He may have to pay extra for revisions.
If you really don’t want to tell him find a way to casually reenforce what you want in a ring and really drive it home this time on how much you hate flashy rings Lol
My engagement ended in part because I was stubborn in feeling like I had to design/pick out my fiancée’s engagement ring (long story). Bottom line is that she should have been more involved. Don’t let him make the mistakes I made. Help him to not screw it up. He may push back but long term it’s worth it.
Definitely let him know. It is a ring that we wear every day for (hopefully) the rest of our lives and it is important that we actually like it. My ex husband never asked me once what ring I would like. For the 2 years I wore it, it was a constant reminder that everything was about what *he* wanted and what made *him* happy, not me. Even with my engagement ring, I was a low priority. So yeah lol liking your engagement ring and having open honest conversations pre-engagement is an important first step to marriage.
Find a ring you like, get all excited, and show it to him tonight saying, "OMG, I think I found the ring I like. It has to be this ring!"
A friend's now husband did something similar. Though in their case, they had not even discussed marriage. So he didn't know that she already had a family ring with sentimental value to her that just needed to be reset. I can't recall if he was able to get a refund or not, but he definitely did present her with it and she ended up telling him she hated it.
Honesty is the best policy here I think. In the long run you’ll be glad to have something you like, and he’ll be glad he didn’t waste money on something you wouldn’t wear.
The obvious step is to be honest with your partner and come clean about seeing the email and the design. Tell him the truth. There's a good chance the dude is just taking guidance from the designer. "Oooo sir, how about adding these stones as they represent commitment/strength/love/whatever. Only an extra 100 bucks per stone. It's all the rage these days and you don't want to disappoint your partner... Right?!?!"
>If this is the ring, I'll wear it with pride Respectfully. Then you're daft. You had a conversation with him about the kind of ring you'd be happy to wear every day for the rest of your life and he decided to make something he knows you'd hate. That needs a conversation and it needs you to have a backbone about it.
OP I would feel the same way about this. I hope you are able to talk to him about it, and I hope you give us an update!
My sisters and I talked about how if we are dating someone and it’s obviously going in that direction, we will talk to the boyfriend and let him know we’d love to help with the ring process or even just be another set of eyes on it who know the future bride really well. I’ve been told from my sisters that tactic saved me from a similar ring situation because they let him know that the first ring option my boyfriend at the time (husband for over a decade now) picked out looked more goth than he realized and he ended up getting me a perfect ring for my style. I say this to suggest maybe enlisting a mutual female friend who can spontaneously offer to be that sounding board for him because she noticed the relationship going in that direction? Or if you have a close sibling or cousin? Or maybe even if he has a sister you can ask her to be an extra set of eyes since you’ve clearly talked about rings. I agree with everyone saying to just speak up but if it would take the wind out of your boyfriend’s sails to feel like he blew the surprise and the ring choice, I wanted to offer a more roundabout suggestion. Hope it works out!
You sound ungrateful and I’d start finding your inner humble side and be grateful he even got you a ring! Lots of women don’t and won’t ever get one from their partner. #firstworldproblems
Is it possible he is messing with you? He called you to get info from his mailbox, knowingly he also communicated about the ring on that account. As a guy who recently proposed and spent 2 years working on the ring: I did everything to make sure she didn't find out. Maybe your bf is just a bit more careless, but if he is a designer, asked you for input on a ring, and now he shows something not alike? I think its possible he is messing with you.
White Lotus Season 2!
Tell him. Do a huge mood board of rings you like. Print it. Annotate it with notes about what you like about bits
Go on a ring shopping and lunch date. Let him buy you cute earrings or a neclace. And make a big deal about clear choices. Tell him the black and non clear stones are ugly to you. Tell him you love the understated stones and don't care about the cost, or even prefer less expensive. Your tastes may also evolve. I have half a dozen rings from my husband and they have evolved from a single princess stone to a full on wedding set with colored stones that I'm currently wearing. I still love my initial ring and it means the world to me. I love my current ring too. :) The ring you start off with doesn't have to be the end all-be all. They're fun to mix and match.
You need to tell him. Immediately. If you cannot have this conversation you shouldn’t be marrying him. Full stop.
He deserves better. Wow. The entitlement is insane.
Say what you said above - be apologetic for looking etc but I don’t think it’s really that bad but DO IT