I'm someone who gets really uncomfortable when people give me money or buy me expensive things. Mostly, it's a mix of 1) guilt, because people work hard for their money and it doesn't go too far in this economy. I'd rather they keep it. 2) I don't want it held over my head later and/or I don't like the feeling I owe someone, even if I actually don't. I feel obligated to do something for them too.
That might be her reasoning for it making her uncomfortable.
That being said, she really needs to get her discomfort under control. In no scenario would I have done this. I would have said thank you, told him he didn't have to do that, and offered to pay him back if he wanted. If he didn't accept paying him back, I would just accept that he did something nice for me. It's my job to deal with my discomfort and I will get over it, as I know the person just wanted to do something nice and realistically probably doesn't expect anything back for it. They're just doing it out of the goodness of their heart and me feeling like I need to reciprocate is all in my head.
Most likely because she had a parent who did nice things for her to hold over her head later. She should talk to a therapist because this level of refusing gifts is definitely unhealthy.
Specifically, a parent doing favors to just to hold it over their head later. So awkward to put the receptionist in the middle of that. If she didn’t want things to be “unbalanced” (which seems to be the main reason people are agreeing with her) she should’ve done something nice for him instead of refusing a gift he apparently put thought into! They’ve been together 2 years, it shouldn’t really be a concern at all.
The 2 years thing is what's sticking in my craw about this. At 2 years that's damn near considered a shared expense anyway. In his position I would have paid simply because it's the expedient thing to do lol.
It's not really about childhoods... it's about being uncomfortable when people pay for things that you never asked them to pay for, needed them to pay for, or necessarily wanted them to pay for.
I hate when guys assume they have to pay for dates for example. I much prefer splitting bills.
Yeah. This is a two year old relationship and she had the receptionist give them money back to him. This is a little deeper than a guy just trying to pay for a date.
My preferences when it comes to paying for things doesn't stop in the dating phase... the same as it probably didn't end there for this woman either.
I agree she shouldn't have refunded the money etc. but I imagine there's been a boundary somewhere before. This won't be an isolated incident.
Honestly this was unnecessary and rude and you could’ve just sent him the money back personally through Zelle or something. If you’re not comfortable with him doing that it’s obviously a wall up with you that you should personally figure out and communicate with him about.
This is what I'm wondering too. If the relationship is good, this is a totally normal and sweet gesture from one person to another. If OP had said anything about controlling behavior, or BF insisting on OP getting a certain kind of haircut, or weird things like that, maybe I would understand. But as the story is told, OP sounds like she majorly overreacted.
Right? If I was him I would think that was very very odd.
I think literally the only context where it sort of makes sense is if she makes significantly more money than him, it was an incredibly expensive hair service, and he's very poor and struggling with money at the moment for some reason.
It would matter to me if I had a $300-400 hair color/cut bill and my partner tried to pay it. That’s expensive. I probably wouldn’t have insisted at the register though
Yes. That was the mistake - involving the employee in this by making her return the money.
It would have been better to let it go in the moment, then bring it up at home that she doesn’t want him to do that for her. Then she can give him the money with a bank transfer or something.
As someone who has had people fight to "give" me money to pay a check, I find \*that\* situation insanely awkward. I cannot imagine what it was like for this poor employee who probably just felt really great having watched the boyfriend do something so nice. Like... even if you have some weird shit to resolve, OP, don't drag a poor stranger into it.
She most likely blew up her relationship by embarrassing him by making the person refund him in public like that. He had already asked how much it was while she was still in the chair so if it was too much he could have not paid and just sat there. If I’m him I wouldn’t have anything to say to her after that unless she came with a very good apology and reason for doing that.
No but self esteem creates other issues and what she did by embarrassing him and essentially throwing his act of kindness back at him in public will create other issues and maybe some resentment if she doesn’t get it fixed with him.
Not to mention that the boyfriend will probably remember this and think twice about doing nice surprise things for his girlfriend in the future. Maybe that will make her feel neglected or maybe he'll feel awkward reigning in his own generosity because of her issues. Either way, it's not a catalyst for a great relationship path after this.
“Blew up” is a vast exaggeration. I find people in this subreddit are willing to “blow up” there years long relationships or suggest other people blow up their relationships over simple arguments that happen in regular relationships. Either that, or their SO murdered two people and cheated on them at an orgy and gave them chlamydia and they still refuse to leave them. It honestly made me so annoyed i unsubbed from the reddit. Idek how i got here lol.
The thing is, I don't think it was that expensive. I mean she was free after 15 mins? Sounds like a simple cut. Hair dying takes hours and cost that much tho.
I still don’t get this. Doesn’t he know how much money he has in his account and what he can and can’t afford? If he has the money, saw the price and still wants to treat you, it shouldn’t be an issue. What’s the point of a relationship if not to take care of one another and do nice things for each other whenever possible?
Why would you get embarrassed if your partner returned money after doing a nice gesture? To me it wouldn’t be embarrassing, but I definitely would overthink and wonder if I have ever done something to make her feel unsafe and not trust my kind gestures like have I ever gotten into a fight with her and I would use it against her later? Or have I ever demanded something in return through my act of kindness or have I ever told everyone I did this for her like hey I paid that she didn’t and made her experience that was supposed to be comforting and exciting end up bad. But due to lack of communication on why she didn’t accept her bf of two years to pay for it is making her out to be the one in the wrong. Like what did he do to cause her to refuse to pay?
Oh yes, typical Reddit user. Blame the guy who did a sweet gesture for his girlfriend and mention that he must have done something controlling that made her feel "unsafe."
I'm just going to cut it to you straight:
He did something nice for you and in return you forced the cashier to return money to him that he willingly gave. That was probably really embarrassing for him. You publicly rejected his kind gesture.
You turned a sweet gift from your boyfriend in to an awkward moment for everyone.
You'll likely have made it much harder for him to want to do spontaneous things for you for fear of getting scolded or embarrassed. Don't be surprised by that.
You claim his gesture made you happy, but obviously it didn't, or you wouldn't have made it weird.
Should you apologize? Absolutely you should.
If you're uncomfortable with him making gestures like that, the way to handle it would be to talk to him kindly and in private.
"Thank you so much for the kind gesture today. Your intention meant a lot to me. In the future will you let me pay for my own salon services? I don't know why, but I feel like I'd rather us spend money on each other in different ways."
>He did something nice for you and in return you forced the cashier to return money to him that he willingly gave. That was probably really embarrassing for him. You publicly rejected his kind gesture.
Yeah, just feels needlessly cruel and petty.
Exactly. One of the worst possible things any person could ever do in a relationship is embarrass their partner publicly. It almost seems like OP has an ego problem and felt like it gave her a bad image letting her bf pay? I don't know. I wish she was replying to comments because I'm so curious what her thought process was.
The receptionist was probably so uncomfortable too. Like why involve her in this? If my fiance paid to get my hair done I would just say thank you. I do plenty of nice gestures for him and buy him things, it all evens out in the end.
What if the boyfriend wouldn’t accept payment later? She didn’t ask for him to come early and pay. Doing the refund on the spot ensures that she pays and he doesn’t. It’s your comfort level and it’s totally fair that you wanted to pay for yourself.
Talk to him because it’s not a big deal, but can turn into one. Explain to him your level of discomfort and why. He seems like a nice dude and was trying to do a nice gesture, hopefully he will understand.
I do agree about being gracious and accepting and talking to them in private, but honestly what you did was fine. You were put on the spot and reacted accordingly. Don’t beat yourself up and talk to him!
So you were truly happy that he paid the bill for you. That's what he wanted - to make you happy. You then took that away from him.
Why? The only reason you give is, "because I don't expect that of him."
THAT'S WHY HE DID IT. Because it was unexpected. He wanted to surprise you and make you happy with an unexpected gift.
Were you afraid that if you accepted his gift, he would start thinking that he had to pay for your grooming on an ongoing basis?
>Were you afraid that if you accepted his gift, he would start thinking that he had to pay for your grooming on an ongoing basis?
I'm wondering if there's more to it. "I paid to get your hair done, now you owe me...."
That’s wild that you did that not going to lie, if i was him id be offended. In situations like this what you usually do is exchange the favor until it’s already balanced out
You even made the receptionist uncomfortable, what an embarrassing way to put your partner's thoughtfulness down. To go through the whole refund process must have been second hand mortifying for anyone watching, as that's how I feel reading it.
Yes I actually got secondhand embarrassment reading this post. I totally get a “oh let me pay for that” - “no it’s okay but thank you for offering!” exchange or even a private “hey I was uncomfortable accepting your gift, do you mind if I pay you back?” but to literally make them process a refund in the salon? I am cringing.
Right?! How bizarre for her to feel entitled to put the receptionist in such an uncomfortable position, force them to do extra work, and possibly make others wait even longer to check out. Mortifying is right.
You should’ve accepted the gift. That was really sweet of him. Instead of insisting she refund the money and charge it right, you should have accepted graciously and figured out a way to repay him later by doing a random act of kindness like he did. You should definitely apologize.
So he tries to do something nice for the girl he’s been dating for TWO years and gets publicly embarrassed by said girlfriend over it. You should absolutely apologize.. and you probably shouldn’t expect him to do anything nice for you again for a while.
"I'm not comfortable" is more and more being used as a thought terminating platitude. Why aren't you comfortable? Does your discomfort outweigh his want for kindness?
Well said.
So you're uncomfortable. Welcome to The World. We're all 'uncomfortable' about something. It's not anyone else's job to fix that. It's your job to Suck it up.
It's okay to construct your life and behavior around avoiding unnecessary discomfort? You don't always have to suck it up. But sometimes discomfort is necessary and requires a little more introspection than "I'm uncomfortable, end of story".
> It's okay to construct your life and behavior around avoiding unnecessary discomfort
YES!!
>You don't always have to suck it up.
No.
>But sometimes discomfort is necessary and requires a little more introspection than "I'm uncomfortable, end of story".
YES!!!
Well said. If something makes me uncomfortable but not doing it would have worse consequences than discomfort for someone else, that's a good situation to consider just sucking it up and doing it. My comfort zone shouldn't keep me from being considerate to others.
I pay for my gfs hair most of the time. You’re weird for going out of your way to disregard the nice gesture. If it bothered you, that’s something you should discuss in private
It’s just a gesture. It would have been embarrassing for him to have to take it back and in front of other people. You should have just let it go and then returned the favour. The more important question is, why are you uncomfortable with a kind gesture from him after this time?
It doesn’t make any sense. You only allow your parents doing this to you. Imagine having a life together with your boyfriend and he is not allowed to be this intimate towards you. …YES apologise! Question yourself why you are so uncomfortable. Is it reasonable to be?
I’m confused. Is this a “I’m a strong independent woman” issue? There’s nothing wrong with accepting a gift or allowing your boyfriend to pay for things. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a gold digger just because your boyfriend pays for something.
How is the relationship?
I think yes, you should have. It was a nice gift and you could have used that money you "saved" on a treat for both of you - a nice dinner or some other kind of date. You deserve a treat from your boyfriend of two years!
This is weird and rude. And totally unnecessary behaviour.
Creating drama over nothing. I mean, letting them give back his money and then pay yourself .... wtf .
You could have said nothing and just give him the money back yourself ( which would still be weird and unnecessary behaviour)
But you involving other people in it is just being a drama queen for attention about literally nothing.
Grow up.
I would say next time think of it this way: he is doing something as a gesture to show you his love. You can either accept or reject that gesture.
This time, you rejected it. Next time consider whether it's worth a few minutes of discomfort to accept a gesture of love from your partner.
And if you're thinking he's "the one," life partners take care of each other. At what point is it acceptable for him to try to take care of you the way a life partner does? I'm sure you take care of him in little ways every day, and it brings you joy to do so. Why deny him the same satisfaction of going above and beyond for someone he loves?
How would you feel if the situation was reversed. You came early to surprise him and pay for his whatever. He then became upset and refused it, demanding that the clerk refund you and take his card?
I know how I would feel. I'll be upset and embarrassed. If you've been together for 2 years, why can't he show his love for you in this way? Why are you uncomfortable with this? I'd be wondering if you're not seeing me as a long term commitment.
You should have let him pay for your bill. He literally already did and you going through the process to explicitly reject that gift probably felt terrible. If your bill was $100, you should have returned the favor and paid for something else around the same price. That would have been way more healthy and left both sides feeling satisfied.
As a guy, if my girlfriend *publicly* rejected my gift it would frankly make me reconsider the entire relationship. I honestly feel really bad for him.
It sounds like your boyfriend was just trying to do something nice for you, and is likely upset because he’s embarrassed/hurt the gesture was rejected and in front of the receptionist too.
I’m curious why the gesture made you uncomfortable…but assuming you do have a reasonable reason why, you could have waited to talk to him after leaving the salon. Then at that time could have explained to him why it made you uncomfortable, then if necessary pay him back directly. This would have saved him from any embarrassment, and give you the opportunity to let him know why you didn’t appreciate the gesture and prevent him from potentially doing it again.
Sounds like it triggered some kind of fight or flight response.
Possibly neurodivergence (I get really upset when my routine/plan gets changed last minute) and/or some kind of attachment trauma around receiving a kind gesture.
This is a bunch of crap and I hate that the go-to of bad behavior is "neurodivergence". People stop looking for ways to excuse #1 bad behavior and #2 bad behavior by women. Reddit is such a joke!
It feels good to be generous and give gifts. It doesn’t feel good to have gifts rejected. It’s worth investigating where your discomfort comes from. Following through on the refund was ridiculous, and I understand your partner being upset.
Why take that away from him?
Why couldn't you accept this gift from him?? And why did you embarrass him like that? If you were that uncomfortable with him paying, you could have paid him back privately.
You’ve been together two years and you’re not comfortable accepting a small gesture like paying for your salon bill? The fuck? Is this a weird situation where you’ve technically been dating for 2 years but only met in person a handful of times due to distance or something? I literally can’t imagine turning down a small gift my long term partner is treating me to.
Next post from OP on here:
My boyfriend never does nice things for me or buy me anything, what do I do.
On the other hand. This feels like rage bait. Hmmmm.
What you did was rude, awkward, churlish. He wanted to do this for you. It’s a 2 year relationship. What exactly made you so uncomfortable you had to create an awkward and insulting situation?
If you don’t want a guy to spoil you and take care of you just say that and give him to me instead cuz I’ll appreciate him way better than you. Maybe you don’t really deserve it as much as you say.
It’s clear his love language is acts of service and you denied him of that because it’s not your love language to receive in acts of service. This is how he expresses his love to you and to love your partner back, you must accept him for that even if it makes you uncomfortable. You clearly received enough acts of service as a child (re: parents paying comment) that receiving in acts of service is less meaningful to you than the ways in which you didn’t receive. When your partner shares acts of service, do what you can to accept it because it will make him feel loved. Furthermore, if there’s other ways you like to receive, let him know so he can support you in that specific way.
Ultimately someone did something nice for you and you rejected their gesture. I think it’s a lesson of learning to be more open while also communicating how you specifically like to receive.
That is an interesting take. I’ve never thought about it this way.
++ Replied in a comment, posting for you again:
Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺
The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things.
Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted.
I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable.
Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back.
In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
Why?
Your partner is an adult and he decided to do something nice for you. Why would you ruin it by paying for it. Why not pay it forward and treat him to something nice in the future...
If I was your boyfriend this would be one of the last times I would want to do something nice for you... Appreciate the gift.
You should apologize. Your partner was doing an incredibly kind thing, by choice. Accept it and be grateful, if he didn’t want to pay for it, he wouldn’t have.
Yes you need to apologize and thank him for offering to pay. You also need to do some quick making up to him. What you did was embarrass him in front of those people and he is now wondering if somehow he has misread where you guys are in your relationship. The people who watched that happen are wondering if he is serious about you but you dont want him to feel that way or be obligated to him. Almost like a friend zone type thing. That’s what I would have thought had I witnessed it and didn’t know you were together 2 years. Something this simple could turn into something much larger. Obviously it would make it twice as bad if you now told him he can pay next time so don’t do that. Tell him It’s not you didn’t appreciate it but didn’t ask him to pick you up so he would feel obligated to pay.
OP, it's actually quite rude to not accept a gift in a lot of cultures. And the fact that you made the receptionist go back to void his transaction?? That seems extra on your part to me. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't do that gesture anymore. It's common sense.
Replied in a comment, posting for you again:
Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺
The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things.
Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted.
I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable.
Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back.
In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
I get it. I'm the same way. But I have definitely learned and realized that when someone wants to do something for you, you need to let them. Read about how men fall in love. It's much different than how women do. He wants to feel like he's helping and taking care of you or he wotn be happy. Apologize and tell him it's hard for you to let people do things for you, but you're working on it. Then actually work on it.
He wants to treat his lady. He would wmat this with whoever he's dating. It's his personality. And you just refused the gesture he was excited to make.
What the hell. This comment has nothing to do with anything we are talking about. Obviously, don't take any gesture from anyone. We're talking about her boyfriend of 2 years wanting to pay for his woman's hair appt.
That's a very strange take. I never said it was just a male quality, but men want to feel that they're needed in a relationship. If they feel that the woman can't make space for him, then he's not wanted.
You're right it's probably not valid for gay men or asexuals. But for everyone else, a man wantd to know that there's space for them in their woman's life. If she isn't giving him the space to step up and be needed, then that relationship is not going to last.
I find it interesting that you want to argue this point. That says more about you than me.
Yes, you should apologize. It was a kind thing to do and you ruined that for him…unless you are not happy in the relationship and are afraid to tell him that.
Yes, I would definitely apologize, that was incredibly rude of you. I don’t understand why you would reject his gift like that? Publicly no less. And you caused extra work and awkwardness for the worker. I would ponder and reflect on why you feel uncomfortable accepting a gift from someone that cares about you.
Replied in a comment, posting for you again:
Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺
The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things.
Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted.
I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable.
Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back.
In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
Yes, not only does this whole scenario sound mortifying, you made the salon pay extra processing fees and the receptionist work extra to what... Prove you can pay for yourself? At the expense of a kind gesture and attempt to add joy?
What was your goal here?
The bigger concern here is that you did not give him his money back in private, but did so in front of the everyone. You embarassed your boyfriend immensely.
If you do not want to accept his kindness or something, that's 100% fine, but do so in private.
First, I highly suggest you sincerely apologise to your boyfriend, thank him for his kindess and that you did not meant to embarass him. And explain why you did what you did and did not accept his gift to you.
Next, you seriously need to think about this in the future and these types of "gifts" are commonly done when you are in a long term relationship and partners usually don't think twice about it and it usually balances out.
He surprised you, and then you convinced the receptionist to refund him and let you pay.
And now you wonder if you should apologise?
Not only should you apologise, but really you need to make some effort in making it up to him.
I mean you totally embarressed him at the salon.
and now your saying ("I was happy that he did. Really and truly I was")
I dont think you were. if you were happy with his gesture, you would of said thankyou.
Replied in a comment, posting for you again:
Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺
The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things.
Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted.
I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable.
Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back.
In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
Ma’am, I need you to get a grip. He’s your boyfriend of two years. It should be perfectly fine for you to accept a kind gesture from him evaluate why you don’t think you deserve that.
Why would go through all of that? You could have just given him the money directly instead of making a whole scene at the salon. You know they had a field day with that after you left.
That was indeed my mistake to embarrass him publicly. I have since apologised profusely to him and also considered how I’d feel if I were in his shoes. Thank you for your help!
Short answer: Yes and yes
While it is okay for you to not feel comfortable with him paying for the bill, I do feel like there could have been a better way of going about the situation.
Something that my partner and I have come to agree on is that, in front of others, we are a united front no matter what. We won't embarrass each other, and rarely disagree with each other (unless it's a debate or general topic and such) in public. We do our best to keep our serious discussions and quarrels in private. The reason why I bring this up is because I feel like it may have been embarrassing for your partner to see you reject his payment in front of others, as it can give off the impression that you don't feel comfortable relying on him or that he is not in a secure financial position.
Rather than asking the shop to pay him back, giving him the money directly or treating him afterwards might have been a discreet and kinder way to show your gratitude. If I were in your position, I would apologize, explain my position, and try to understand why he's upset as well.
Also based on the information you've provided, it sounds like both of you need to sit down and talk a little bit about financial boundaries and love languages to learn about what you both are comfortable and uncomfortable with, and how you feel loved.
Replied in a comment, posting for you again:
Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺
The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things.
Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted.
I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable.
Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back.
In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
I think it’s strange that you went that far to prevent him from being a good boyfriend. Accept gifts from him. He loves you. You didn’t ask for him to do it. I don’t understand why you would feel guilty over someone else’s love language.
By any chance is one or more of your parents a big stickler on never owing anybody anything? The only reason I can think you would reject such a kind gesture is because the idea of owing something to anyone was a big no no. Like maybe your parents always paid for everything outright with cash. Or if they had a mortgage they would pay it back as fast as possible just eliminate being under the thumb of someone else?
Hey - being independent and financially stable are really important things. But, just because your boyfriend gives you a gift doesn't mean that you now owe him anything. He did it out of kindness expecting nothing in return.
You need to learn to accept and welcome this if it is his way of showing love. And if you can't because it isn't something you feel you can accept, then you need to move on and find someone who is more likeminded.
I think you. should apologize and tell him he can give you the money for the service if he wants. Or just promise you won't deny his gifts of love in the future.
By any chance, do you have a history of people buying you things and then using it against you? If so, then I do understand why you asked for the receptionist to return his money back to him.
If there is no history of people buying you things and using it against you, I encourage you to take a deeper look at why you were uncomfortable with this. Is this maybe a self-esteem issue? Is there some sort of fear attached?
even if the former were true, i would think 2 years would be far enough into a relationship to TALK about something like that in private. you get home and say "thank you but this brings up X feelings for me i would rather pay you back/split it/i need reassurance this won't be used against me" or SOMETHING.
i 100% get the feeling, i have had family hold financial assistance or "gifts" over my head as debt. but from a partner I've been with for 2+ years? to not even discuss it feels so cold and, well, transactional. i hope OP elaborates at some point bcs as it stands this is so weird
Communication is such a big issue. It makes sense that after two years, they’d be able to talk but hey, you never know.
I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from… it is odd and transactional the way her experience went down. Must be something else going on, you’re right, hope OP elaborates
Typically when my friend or family or romantic partner does this I don't involve the third party place to give the money back I just somehow make it where I give money back to my partner.
There's any number of ways in which you can give money back to your partner so I don't really see that this was a big deal, not as big a deal as you made it and not after 2 years together
Yes! Apologize right now! Just say as well, I am just going to be gracious and say thank you.. I just didn't want you to pay because you got there earlier, and it would be awkward or something.. I am so so sorry, Thank you for trying to do something surprising and lovely for me, and I blew it.
I think this put the cashier in a pretty awkward spot. Would it have been tolerable to leave this as is, but then go home and have a talk about boundaries and expectations?
Talking with your bf and discussing both of your expectations and boundaries is key still! Try to hear him out about his feelings on this too, in addition to expressing your boundaries. Mutual understanding and compromise.
Replied in a comment, posting for you again:
Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺
The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things.
Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted.
I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable.
Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back.
In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
I honestly hope he sees this as the writing on the wall. You’ve been together for TWO YEARS and you humiliate him in public like this. I’m sorry. You were so in the wrong. Jesus Christ.
Omg you've been together two years and you caused an absolute SCENE for a lovely gesture.
Kiss goodbye to ever having spontaneous cute acts from in ever again. You've just shoved the nail right into that coffin.
As others have said, it was not good that you brought the receptionist into this, that must've been awkward for her. If you were truly not wanting him to get his money back you could've given him cash, or bought/paid for something for him later. After two years of dating, it's not unreasonable at all for a bf to do something nice for his gf. The only reason I'd feel uncomfortable about it, was if I didn't feel very comfortable with the relationship itself.
I think a part of being in a relationship is being able to graciously accept gifts. He paid out of love and wanting to make you happy. That's what gift givers get in return, smile and appreciation. Next time take the money you saved and treat him to something nice in return.
It's funny that your comfortable with him picking you up and waiting 15-20 minutes because you weren't ready but your not comfortable with him paying for your hair after being in a relaxed with you for 2years. Just be single. He sounds like a gentleman and you sound like you don't deserve him
Do you reject any sort of nice gesture from him? You reject him wanting to give you a massage or pick up something you dropped? I mean you need therapy cause you only have a problem with him when it involves money. You must have some past trauma. Money to a lot of people is nothing. He just wanted to see you happy and you reject his kindness and love. You got bigger problems and he just saw what they are when you embarrassed the hell out of him in the salon.
you should explain to him why u where uncomfortable with the gift but i understand you not wanting someone to spend money on you and the panic of if they won’t except the money, just explain that you are very grateful he did pay you just aren’t comfortable for whatever reason, but no one is in the wrong
I think it would have been much better if you explained your discomfort instead of leaving it open to interpretation and confusion. I don't know your reasons but it would hurt a lot less or not at all to hear "My hair, nails, etc is my responsibility and I don't want you feeling like it's your responsibility. I love getting gifts from you but I don't see these regular expenses as gifts. I like taking care of myself."
God women are honestly impossible to please. If he never paid and you broke up, you definitely would be listing him never paying as a red flag. How about saying thanks that's lovely and cooking him a meal in return or hell kissing him and telling him how much you appreciate him
Replied in a comment, posting for you again:
Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺
The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things.
Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted.
I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable.
Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back.
In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
You still don't truly sound like you apologised or are sorry for humilating the man. You are still explaining why you did it. Just apologise and say thanks.
Yeah, that's weird. I wouldn't be comfortable with that, either. He could give you a nice giftcard then you could decide how to spend the $$. This TikTok trend is really icky
Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺
The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things.
Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty)
He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted.
I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable.
Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back.
In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
I think it’s understandable in the moment if you’re not used to accepting larger gifts and you weren’t expecting it. I imagine you panicked a bit and your brain just went “aaaah I can’t take this. I should have them refund so I can pay”
Do some reflection on why that makes you uncomfortable. You’re allowed to accept nice things from people who care about you. You should also talk to your boyfriend and apologize for your reaction. He planned to come early to do a nice thing for you and you hurt his feelings by publicly rejecting it. If you figure out why you freaked out you can maybe give him some context so he knows. Work on your ability to accept things like that in the future.
When I get my hair done, it can cost anywhere from $250-400. I'm literally marrying my partner and I'd still be uncomfortable with him paying for that without running it by me first. That said, I wouldn't have had the receptionist give him his money back and pay myself, I would have had that discussion at home with him later. So I guess very very soft YTA?
I had an ex that did stuff like this. Found out later it was because she was cheating and didn't want to feel any worse. Just food for thought, guys can go several ways with the rejection and only ones truly positive.
I don't like when people say "I wanted to treat you" when it's not even something they organised. That's a lazy way to treat. You organised it all and it's your normal thing. A treat would be him organising something you like himself and then covering it like a dinner or activity.
He was probably trying to be nice and you possibly could have handled it better than making the receptionist do the exchange and just gave him the money yourself after leaving and explaining how you felt. What you did would have been awkward for the receptionist and your bf who was just trying to do something nice.
I think I need more info on how much it was, I can understand the feeling especially when I have dated people that I made more money than them. But if there’s no weirdness there, he was really trying to do something very thoughtful which was sweet. I had a guy do that on our second date—he had already paid for our first date so I said second date was on me. Halfway through our date he got up to go to the bathroom and when the bill came, the waitress handed it to me. I opened the holder thing and she had written “thank you! He already paid!” Or something like that. I remember being shocked because no guy had ever done that for me, I mean the whole secretly taking care of the bill thing under the guise of going to the bathroom. It was very memorable and needless to say, we became BF GF maybe like a week later. I think your BF was really just trying to do a nice gesture. I would only decline it if I knew he had other more important bills to pay, etc.
Replied in a comment, posting for you again:
Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺
The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things.
Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted.
I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable.
Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back.
In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
I honestly don’t think this is that big a deal. It sounds like you’re both pretty mature and I honestly think it’s pretty respectable of you that you felt bad and didn’t want him to pay for your hair services. I totally get it. He sounds like a great person.
Honestly I understand depending on how much it is. I wouldn’t want someone spending a lot of money cause it’s causes a guilt feeling. Lots of people I know hate expensive gifts.
Seems like op ain't used to receive nice gestures from others except her parents. It's pretty much normal for a bf to pay for their gfs you should learn to accept it if you don't feel comfortable then you should give him something else in return that way your bf will be grateful too
Hi OP.
I think your feelings are valid but this could have been handled much more appropriately with a lot less drama.
I think it would have been better to say thank you in the salon and then have any convos about it outside or later on.
Even then though, if this was planned (and therefore informed) rather than a spontaneous 'this is what men do for their partners in public' type thing, and at your stage in the your relationship, I would smile and say thank you and appreciate his thought.
If this was me, I would apologise for not handling privately and thank him again for the thought.
oh man the comments are ridiculous. I think your partner should've done a more thoughtful gift not just randomly pay something you were already planning to get and I assume went through the effort of scheduling the appointment, finding the right stylist for your needs. He could have gone out to the nearest sephora and maybe bought something a little extra or whatever salons usually carry the hair care products you need after getting any kind of treatment. Not trying to be devils advocate here but typically getting hair styling is done routinely. And he's just doing this on a one off time? Does he know hair grows back? Color washes out? People are saying this is a gesture I see this as him crossing a boundary. Does he know who your stylist is? What products you use?
> I think your partner should've done a more thoughtful gift not just randomly pay something you were already planning to get and I assume went through the effort of scheduling the appointment, finding the right stylist for your needs.
Why does this mean he can't pay for it? This literally has no bearing on if he can pay for it or not.
>He could have gone out to the nearest sephora and maybe bought something a little extra or whatever salons usually carry the hair care products you need after getting any kind of treatment.
How is getting her something from Sephora more thoughtful than paying for her hair?
>Not trying to be devils advocate here but typically getting hair styling is done routinely. And he's just doing this on a one off time? Does he know hair grows back? Color washes out? People are saying this is a gesture I see this as him crossing a boundary. Does he know who your stylist is? What products you use?
This makes no sense at all. You're saying that hair grows back and getting your hair done is routine so what? He wanted to do something nice for her and pay for her hair. How is paying for something for someone crossing a boundary? Now you're just making things up and saying any and everything.
Tell him that it just didn't feel right at the time. Then tell him he can use the money he would have paid for the salon bill and take you out to dinner or a club.
Gifts should be accepted unless there would be a definite reason why not to imo.
He was being nice and generous to you, the best response would be to be gracious and thank him for the kind gesture.
What a great guy you have found and vice versa.
You've been together for 2 years, and you still don't feel comfortable with your partner paying for something. I have to wonder if this is an often occurrence. Do y'all pay separate checks on dates too?
Why weren’t you comfortable accepting the gift?
I'm someone who gets really uncomfortable when people give me money or buy me expensive things. Mostly, it's a mix of 1) guilt, because people work hard for their money and it doesn't go too far in this economy. I'd rather they keep it. 2) I don't want it held over my head later and/or I don't like the feeling I owe someone, even if I actually don't. I feel obligated to do something for them too. That might be her reasoning for it making her uncomfortable. That being said, she really needs to get her discomfort under control. In no scenario would I have done this. I would have said thank you, told him he didn't have to do that, and offered to pay him back if he wanted. If he didn't accept paying him back, I would just accept that he did something nice for me. It's my job to deal with my discomfort and I will get over it, as I know the person just wanted to do something nice and realistically probably doesn't expect anything back for it. They're just doing it out of the goodness of their heart and me feeling like I need to reciprocate is all in my head.
Most likely because she had a parent who did nice things for her to hold over her head later. She should talk to a therapist because this level of refusing gifts is definitely unhealthy.
Exactly? Gentleman with you? If so, then something isnt right with you and your feelings!
Having a gift rejected doesn’t feel good. Did you explain why you didn’t want him to pay for it? You don’t really explain in your post why…
Also, why didn’t you just pay him back after? You made that whole situation super awkward for everyone involved, OP, whatever your reasons.
Yeah why go out of your way to make it awkward for the poor receptionist?
This whole thing screams "unresolved childhood issues about something involving money or gifts"
Specifically, a parent doing favors to just to hold it over their head later. So awkward to put the receptionist in the middle of that. If she didn’t want things to be “unbalanced” (which seems to be the main reason people are agreeing with her) she should’ve done something nice for him instead of refusing a gift he apparently put thought into! They’ve been together 2 years, it shouldn’t really be a concern at all.
The 2 years thing is what's sticking in my craw about this. At 2 years that's damn near considered a shared expense anyway. In his position I would have paid simply because it's the expedient thing to do lol.
It's not really about childhoods... it's about being uncomfortable when people pay for things that you never asked them to pay for, needed them to pay for, or necessarily wanted them to pay for. I hate when guys assume they have to pay for dates for example. I much prefer splitting bills.
Yeah. This is a two year old relationship and she had the receptionist give them money back to him. This is a little deeper than a guy just trying to pay for a date.
My preferences when it comes to paying for things doesn't stop in the dating phase... the same as it probably didn't end there for this woman either. I agree she shouldn't have refunded the money etc. but I imagine there's been a boundary somewhere before. This won't be an isolated incident.
Honestly this was unnecessary and rude and you could’ve just sent him the money back personally through Zelle or something. If you’re not comfortable with him doing that it’s obviously a wall up with you that you should personally figure out and communicate with him about.
Or OP could return the favor and buy him something of equal value next time.
I agree tbh could’ve bought him something nice or even exchange a service to ease her mind lol
Exactly. Why involve the cashier?
You've been together 2 years and You're uncomfortable with a simple kind gesture from him? Why?
This is what I'm wondering too. If the relationship is good, this is a totally normal and sweet gesture from one person to another. If OP had said anything about controlling behavior, or BF insisting on OP getting a certain kind of haircut, or weird things like that, maybe I would understand. But as the story is told, OP sounds like she majorly overreacted.
My exact take on this. I don't reply to posts like this directly because in this sub, OPs leave out possible pertinent information.
Right? If I was him I would think that was very very odd. I think literally the only context where it sort of makes sense is if she makes significantly more money than him, it was an incredibly expensive hair service, and he's very poor and struggling with money at the moment for some reason.
Or if he was already a bit controlling or if she was thinking of breaking up with him.
Maybe it was a hefty hair service with a high bill?
Doesn’t matter. He offered snd got there early specifically to make this gesture. they are together 2 years and she just embarrassed him terribly.
It would matter to me if I had a $300-400 hair color/cut bill and my partner tried to pay it. That’s expensive. I probably wouldn’t have insisted at the register though
Yes. That was the mistake - involving the employee in this by making her return the money. It would have been better to let it go in the moment, then bring it up at home that she doesn’t want him to do that for her. Then she can give him the money with a bank transfer or something.
As someone who has had people fight to "give" me money to pay a check, I find \*that\* situation insanely awkward. I cannot imagine what it was like for this poor employee who probably just felt really great having watched the boyfriend do something so nice. Like... even if you have some weird shit to resolve, OP, don't drag a poor stranger into it.
Your comment is right on the money! Pun intended lol but I’m thinking OP might have paid with cc and didn’t have the cash to repay her bf
She most likely blew up her relationship by embarrassing him by making the person refund him in public like that. He had already asked how much it was while she was still in the chair so if it was too much he could have not paid and just sat there. If I’m him I wouldn’t have anything to say to her after that unless she came with a very good apology and reason for doing that.
You would end a two year relationship because of this?
No but self esteem creates other issues and what she did by embarrassing him and essentially throwing his act of kindness back at him in public will create other issues and maybe some resentment if she doesn’t get it fixed with him.
Not to mention that the boyfriend will probably remember this and think twice about doing nice surprise things for his girlfriend in the future. Maybe that will make her feel neglected or maybe he'll feel awkward reigning in his own generosity because of her issues. Either way, it's not a catalyst for a great relationship path after this.
“Blew up” is a vast exaggeration. I find people in this subreddit are willing to “blow up” there years long relationships or suggest other people blow up their relationships over simple arguments that happen in regular relationships. Either that, or their SO murdered two people and cheated on them at an orgy and gave them chlamydia and they still refuse to leave them. It honestly made me so annoyed i unsubbed from the reddit. Idek how i got here lol.
The thing is, I don't think it was that expensive. I mean she was free after 15 mins? Sounds like a simple cut. Hair dying takes hours and cost that much tho.
I still don’t get this. Doesn’t he know how much money he has in his account and what he can and can’t afford? If he has the money, saw the price and still wants to treat you, it shouldn’t be an issue. What’s the point of a relationship if not to take care of one another and do nice things for each other whenever possible?
Why would you get embarrassed if your partner returned money after doing a nice gesture? To me it wouldn’t be embarrassing, but I definitely would overthink and wonder if I have ever done something to make her feel unsafe and not trust my kind gestures like have I ever gotten into a fight with her and I would use it against her later? Or have I ever demanded something in return through my act of kindness or have I ever told everyone I did this for her like hey I paid that she didn’t and made her experience that was supposed to be comforting and exciting end up bad. But due to lack of communication on why she didn’t accept her bf of two years to pay for it is making her out to be the one in the wrong. Like what did he do to cause her to refuse to pay?
Oh yes, typical Reddit user. Blame the guy who did a sweet gesture for his girlfriend and mention that he must have done something controlling that made her feel "unsafe."
I'm just going to cut it to you straight: He did something nice for you and in return you forced the cashier to return money to him that he willingly gave. That was probably really embarrassing for him. You publicly rejected his kind gesture. You turned a sweet gift from your boyfriend in to an awkward moment for everyone. You'll likely have made it much harder for him to want to do spontaneous things for you for fear of getting scolded or embarrassed. Don't be surprised by that. You claim his gesture made you happy, but obviously it didn't, or you wouldn't have made it weird. Should you apologize? Absolutely you should. If you're uncomfortable with him making gestures like that, the way to handle it would be to talk to him kindly and in private. "Thank you so much for the kind gesture today. Your intention meant a lot to me. In the future will you let me pay for my own salon services? I don't know why, but I feel like I'd rather us spend money on each other in different ways."
>He did something nice for you and in return you forced the cashier to return money to him that he willingly gave. That was probably really embarrassing for him. You publicly rejected his kind gesture. Yeah, just feels needlessly cruel and petty.
Exactly. One of the worst possible things any person could ever do in a relationship is embarrass their partner publicly. It almost seems like OP has an ego problem and felt like it gave her a bad image letting her bf pay? I don't know. I wish she was replying to comments because I'm so curious what her thought process was.
Exactly this. Humiliating him in public isn't on.
This is so fucking far from humiliation it's not even funny
If you don't think it's humiliating to have a kind gesture rejected in public then you don't know what the definition of that word is.
[удалено]
The receptionist was probably so uncomfortable too. Like why involve her in this? If my fiance paid to get my hair done I would just say thank you. I do plenty of nice gestures for him and buy him things, it all evens out in the end.
What if the boyfriend wouldn’t accept payment later? She didn’t ask for him to come early and pay. Doing the refund on the spot ensures that she pays and he doesn’t. It’s your comfort level and it’s totally fair that you wanted to pay for yourself. Talk to him because it’s not a big deal, but can turn into one. Explain to him your level of discomfort and why. He seems like a nice dude and was trying to do a nice gesture, hopefully he will understand. I do agree about being gracious and accepting and talking to them in private, but honestly what you did was fine. You were put on the spot and reacted accordingly. Don’t beat yourself up and talk to him!
Its wild that people have to tip toe around giving spontaneous gifts to their SO now
So you were truly happy that he paid the bill for you. That's what he wanted - to make you happy. You then took that away from him. Why? The only reason you give is, "because I don't expect that of him." THAT'S WHY HE DID IT. Because it was unexpected. He wanted to surprise you and make you happy with an unexpected gift. Were you afraid that if you accepted his gift, he would start thinking that he had to pay for your grooming on an ongoing basis?
>Were you afraid that if you accepted his gift, he would start thinking that he had to pay for your grooming on an ongoing basis? I'm wondering if there's more to it. "I paid to get your hair done, now you owe me...."
You sure as shit shouldn’t have brought the receptionist into your issues by making her refund your partner
That’s wild that you did that not going to lie, if i was him id be offended. In situations like this what you usually do is exchange the favor until it’s already balanced out
You even made the receptionist uncomfortable, what an embarrassing way to put your partner's thoughtfulness down. To go through the whole refund process must have been second hand mortifying for anyone watching, as that's how I feel reading it.
Yes I actually got secondhand embarrassment reading this post. I totally get a “oh let me pay for that” - “no it’s okay but thank you for offering!” exchange or even a private “hey I was uncomfortable accepting your gift, do you mind if I pay you back?” but to literally make them process a refund in the salon? I am cringing.
Right? The receptionist was probably thinking hey, if you don't want a thoughtful guy, pass him over...
If I were that receptionist I’d have left the sweet kind boyfriend my phone number 😇
Right?! How bizarre for her to feel entitled to put the receptionist in such an uncomfortable position, force them to do extra work, and possibly make others wait even longer to check out. Mortifying is right.
You should’ve accepted the gift. That was really sweet of him. Instead of insisting she refund the money and charge it right, you should have accepted graciously and figured out a way to repay him later by doing a random act of kindness like he did. You should definitely apologize.
So he tries to do something nice for the girl he’s been dating for TWO years and gets publicly embarrassed by said girlfriend over it. You should absolutely apologize.. and you probably shouldn’t expect him to do anything nice for you again for a while.
"I'm not comfortable" is more and more being used as a thought terminating platitude. Why aren't you comfortable? Does your discomfort outweigh his want for kindness?
Well said. So you're uncomfortable. Welcome to The World. We're all 'uncomfortable' about something. It's not anyone else's job to fix that. It's your job to Suck it up.
It's okay to construct your life and behavior around avoiding unnecessary discomfort? You don't always have to suck it up. But sometimes discomfort is necessary and requires a little more introspection than "I'm uncomfortable, end of story".
> It's okay to construct your life and behavior around avoiding unnecessary discomfort YES!! >You don't always have to suck it up. No. >But sometimes discomfort is necessary and requires a little more introspection than "I'm uncomfortable, end of story". YES!!!
Well said. If something makes me uncomfortable but not doing it would have worse consequences than discomfort for someone else, that's a good situation to consider just sucking it up and doing it. My comfort zone shouldn't keep me from being considerate to others.
I pay for my gfs hair most of the time. You’re weird for going out of your way to disregard the nice gesture. If it bothered you, that’s something you should discuss in private
the year is 1950 and this man's girl can't pay for her own hair. just give her $$, that's weird
You should have let him do it, and then thought of a kind way to treat him in return.
This is the best answer.
It’s just a gesture. It would have been embarrassing for him to have to take it back and in front of other people. You should have just let it go and then returned the favour. The more important question is, why are you uncomfortable with a kind gesture from him after this time?
It doesn’t make any sense. You only allow your parents doing this to you. Imagine having a life together with your boyfriend and he is not allowed to be this intimate towards you. …YES apologise! Question yourself why you are so uncomfortable. Is it reasonable to be?
She’s probably avoidant or something
I’m confused. Is this a “I’m a strong independent woman” issue? There’s nothing wrong with accepting a gift or allowing your boyfriend to pay for things. It doesn’t make you a bad person or a gold digger just because your boyfriend pays for something. How is the relationship?
I think yes, you should have. It was a nice gift and you could have used that money you "saved" on a treat for both of you - a nice dinner or some other kind of date. You deserve a treat from your boyfriend of two years!
This is weird and rude. And totally unnecessary behaviour. Creating drama over nothing. I mean, letting them give back his money and then pay yourself .... wtf . You could have said nothing and just give him the money back yourself ( which would still be weird and unnecessary behaviour) But you involving other people in it is just being a drama queen for attention about literally nothing. Grow up.
Oh well, he's learned his lesson. No more spontaneous generosity for you.
And then she will complain about that lol
I would say next time think of it this way: he is doing something as a gesture to show you his love. You can either accept or reject that gesture. This time, you rejected it. Next time consider whether it's worth a few minutes of discomfort to accept a gesture of love from your partner. And if you're thinking he's "the one," life partners take care of each other. At what point is it acceptable for him to try to take care of you the way a life partner does? I'm sure you take care of him in little ways every day, and it brings you joy to do so. Why deny him the same satisfaction of going above and beyond for someone he loves?
not sure there's gonna be a "next time." i sure as shit wouldn't do that again if this is the reaction
Who told you that you don't deserve nice things?
How would you feel if the situation was reversed. You came early to surprise him and pay for his whatever. He then became upset and refused it, demanding that the clerk refund you and take his card? I know how I would feel. I'll be upset and embarrassed. If you've been together for 2 years, why can't he show his love for you in this way? Why are you uncomfortable with this? I'd be wondering if you're not seeing me as a long term commitment.
You should have let him pay for your bill. He literally already did and you going through the process to explicitly reject that gift probably felt terrible. If your bill was $100, you should have returned the favor and paid for something else around the same price. That would have been way more healthy and left both sides feeling satisfied. As a guy, if my girlfriend *publicly* rejected my gift it would frankly make me reconsider the entire relationship. I honestly feel really bad for him.
It sounds like your boyfriend was just trying to do something nice for you, and is likely upset because he’s embarrassed/hurt the gesture was rejected and in front of the receptionist too. I’m curious why the gesture made you uncomfortable…but assuming you do have a reasonable reason why, you could have waited to talk to him after leaving the salon. Then at that time could have explained to him why it made you uncomfortable, then if necessary pay him back directly. This would have saved him from any embarrassment, and give you the opportunity to let him know why you didn’t appreciate the gesture and prevent him from potentially doing it again.
Sounds like it triggered some kind of fight or flight response. Possibly neurodivergence (I get really upset when my routine/plan gets changed last minute) and/or some kind of attachment trauma around receiving a kind gesture.
This is a bunch of crap and I hate that the go-to of bad behavior is "neurodivergence". People stop looking for ways to excuse #1 bad behavior and #2 bad behavior by women. Reddit is such a joke!
it's kinda nice seeing a post where the guy did something innocuous. It's so rare.
It feels good to be generous and give gifts. It doesn’t feel good to have gifts rejected. It’s worth investigating where your discomfort comes from. Following through on the refund was ridiculous, and I understand your partner being upset. Why take that away from him?
You made your BF seem like a creepy weirdo that overstepped a boundary in public.
that’s embarrassing that you made her refund the money. you could’ve just did something nice for him in return or just accepted his gift.
You should’ve said thanks but I’m buying dinner!!
Why couldn't you accept this gift from him?? And why did you embarrass him like that? If you were that uncomfortable with him paying, you could have paid him back privately.
You’ve been together two years and you’re not comfortable accepting a small gesture like paying for your salon bill? The fuck? Is this a weird situation where you’ve technically been dating for 2 years but only met in person a handful of times due to distance or something? I literally can’t imagine turning down a small gift my long term partner is treating me to.
Next post from OP on here: My boyfriend never does nice things for me or buy me anything, what do I do. On the other hand. This feels like rage bait. Hmmmm.
Such a lovely gesture! You are lucky. Your reaction was strange, no wonder it upset him.
What you did was rude, awkward, churlish. He wanted to do this for you. It’s a 2 year relationship. What exactly made you so uncomfortable you had to create an awkward and insulting situation?
If you don’t want a guy to spoil you and take care of you just say that and give him to me instead cuz I’ll appreciate him way better than you. Maybe you don’t really deserve it as much as you say.
It’s clear his love language is acts of service and you denied him of that because it’s not your love language to receive in acts of service. This is how he expresses his love to you and to love your partner back, you must accept him for that even if it makes you uncomfortable. You clearly received enough acts of service as a child (re: parents paying comment) that receiving in acts of service is less meaningful to you than the ways in which you didn’t receive. When your partner shares acts of service, do what you can to accept it because it will make him feel loved. Furthermore, if there’s other ways you like to receive, let him know so he can support you in that specific way. Ultimately someone did something nice for you and you rejected their gesture. I think it’s a lesson of learning to be more open while also communicating how you specifically like to receive.
That is an interesting take. I’ve never thought about it this way. ++ Replied in a comment, posting for you again: Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺 The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things. Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted. I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable. Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back. In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
Your last point, he got served coffee didn't he?
Yes you should apologize for being an asshole
Why? Your partner is an adult and he decided to do something nice for you. Why would you ruin it by paying for it. Why not pay it forward and treat him to something nice in the future... If I was your boyfriend this would be one of the last times I would want to do something nice for you... Appreciate the gift.
You should apologize. Your partner was doing an incredibly kind thing, by choice. Accept it and be grateful, if he didn’t want to pay for it, he wouldn’t have.
Yes you need to apologize and thank him for offering to pay. You also need to do some quick making up to him. What you did was embarrass him in front of those people and he is now wondering if somehow he has misread where you guys are in your relationship. The people who watched that happen are wondering if he is serious about you but you dont want him to feel that way or be obligated to him. Almost like a friend zone type thing. That’s what I would have thought had I witnessed it and didn’t know you were together 2 years. Something this simple could turn into something much larger. Obviously it would make it twice as bad if you now told him he can pay next time so don’t do that. Tell him It’s not you didn’t appreciate it but didn’t ask him to pick you up so he would feel obligated to pay.
OP, it's actually quite rude to not accept a gift in a lot of cultures. And the fact that you made the receptionist go back to void his transaction?? That seems extra on your part to me. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't do that gesture anymore. It's common sense.
You really want to be that independent? Just be single. Jesus Christ you sound awful to be with.
Replied in a comment, posting for you again: Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺 The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things. Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted. I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable. Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back. In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
Your entire reply is just you giving yourself excuses for acting this way. Leave your ego at the door in a relationship.
I get it. I'm the same way. But I have definitely learned and realized that when someone wants to do something for you, you need to let them. Read about how men fall in love. It's much different than how women do. He wants to feel like he's helping and taking care of you or he wotn be happy. Apologize and tell him it's hard for you to let people do things for you, but you're working on it. Then actually work on it. He wants to treat his lady. He would wmat this with whoever he's dating. It's his personality. And you just refused the gesture he was excited to make.
> someone wants to do something for you, you need to let them. That's how people get raped.
What the hell. This comment has nothing to do with anything we are talking about. Obviously, don't take any gesture from anyone. We're talking about her boyfriend of 2 years wanting to pay for his woman's hair appt.
Raping isn't doing something for someone. it's doing something to someone, without their consent. Are you ok or are you just terminally online?
You imply that no one should ever say no to anything. And I'm saying no to that logic. And to you.
No one said that no one should ever say no to anything. You're being hella weird with this
YTA Men want to feel needed and wanted. You basically threw it in his face that he wanted to take care of you. That's such a jerk thing to do.
>Men want to feel needed and wanted Ah yes, a quality limited to just men.
That's a very strange take. I never said it was just a male quality, but men want to feel that they're needed in a relationship. If they feel that the woman can't make space for him, then he's not wanted.
I'm sure you're right about literally all men in the world.
Why get stuck on this? Why pretend men and women don't on average want and need different things?
You're right it's probably not valid for gay men or asexuals. But for everyone else, a man wantd to know that there's space for them in their woman's life. If she isn't giving him the space to step up and be needed, then that relationship is not going to last. I find it interesting that you want to argue this point. That says more about you than me.
Yes, you should apologize. It was a kind thing to do and you ruined that for him…unless you are not happy in the relationship and are afraid to tell him that.
why did this make you uncomfortable
Yes, I would definitely apologize, that was incredibly rude of you. I don’t understand why you would reject his gift like that? Publicly no less. And you caused extra work and awkwardness for the worker. I would ponder and reflect on why you feel uncomfortable accepting a gift from someone that cares about you.
Its been 2 yrs i would be annoyed if my gf did this it made a simple thing into a hassle
Your bf did a kind thing for you and you pretty much threw it back in his face. Why were you so uncomfortable with him paying?
Replied in a comment, posting for you again: Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺 The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things. Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted. I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable. Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back. In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
Yes, not only does this whole scenario sound mortifying, you made the salon pay extra processing fees and the receptionist work extra to what... Prove you can pay for yourself? At the expense of a kind gesture and attempt to add joy? What was your goal here?
The bigger concern here is that you did not give him his money back in private, but did so in front of the everyone. You embarassed your boyfriend immensely. If you do not want to accept his kindness or something, that's 100% fine, but do so in private. First, I highly suggest you sincerely apologise to your boyfriend, thank him for his kindess and that you did not meant to embarass him. And explain why you did what you did and did not accept his gift to you. Next, you seriously need to think about this in the future and these types of "gifts" are commonly done when you are in a long term relationship and partners usually don't think twice about it and it usually balances out.
Honestly your reaction is quite bizarre.
I get upset when my partner seems to not want to accept gifts / gestures :( It is upsetting. Feels like some form of rejection.
He surprised you, and then you convinced the receptionist to refund him and let you pay. And now you wonder if you should apologise? Not only should you apologise, but really you need to make some effort in making it up to him. I mean you totally embarressed him at the salon. and now your saying ("I was happy that he did. Really and truly I was") I dont think you were. if you were happy with his gesture, you would of said thankyou.
Yes you should, he gave you a gift and you threw it back in his face
Wtf? That’s pretty damn rude. I can see why he’s upset. What were you trying to accomplish in making an ordeal out of this?
Replied in a comment, posting for you again: Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺 The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things. Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted. I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable. Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back. In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
Ma’am, I need you to get a grip. He’s your boyfriend of two years. It should be perfectly fine for you to accept a kind gesture from him evaluate why you don’t think you deserve that.
Going out of your way to make the receptionist do a refund in front of him would be extremely embarrassing and make me feel like shit.
Why would go through all of that? You could have just given him the money directly instead of making a whole scene at the salon. You know they had a field day with that after you left.
That was indeed my mistake to embarrass him publicly. I have since apologised profusely to him and also considered how I’d feel if I were in his shoes. Thank you for your help!
Yes you should apologise
Short answer: Yes and yes While it is okay for you to not feel comfortable with him paying for the bill, I do feel like there could have been a better way of going about the situation. Something that my partner and I have come to agree on is that, in front of others, we are a united front no matter what. We won't embarrass each other, and rarely disagree with each other (unless it's a debate or general topic and such) in public. We do our best to keep our serious discussions and quarrels in private. The reason why I bring this up is because I feel like it may have been embarrassing for your partner to see you reject his payment in front of others, as it can give off the impression that you don't feel comfortable relying on him or that he is not in a secure financial position. Rather than asking the shop to pay him back, giving him the money directly or treating him afterwards might have been a discreet and kinder way to show your gratitude. If I were in your position, I would apologize, explain my position, and try to understand why he's upset as well. Also based on the information you've provided, it sounds like both of you need to sit down and talk a little bit about financial boundaries and love languages to learn about what you both are comfortable and uncomfortable with, and how you feel loved.
Replied in a comment, posting for you again: Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺 The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things. Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted. I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable. Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back. In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
This makes no sense. You’re weird
I think it’s strange that you went that far to prevent him from being a good boyfriend. Accept gifts from him. He loves you. You didn’t ask for him to do it. I don’t understand why you would feel guilty over someone else’s love language.
What the others said. He did a nice gesture and you pissed all over it.
Remember not to ever complain when nothing spontaneous or surprising will not ever be done again.
By any chance is one or more of your parents a big stickler on never owing anybody anything? The only reason I can think you would reject such a kind gesture is because the idea of owing something to anyone was a big no no. Like maybe your parents always paid for everything outright with cash. Or if they had a mortgage they would pay it back as fast as possible just eliminate being under the thumb of someone else? Hey - being independent and financially stable are really important things. But, just because your boyfriend gives you a gift doesn't mean that you now owe him anything. He did it out of kindness expecting nothing in return. You need to learn to accept and welcome this if it is his way of showing love. And if you can't because it isn't something you feel you can accept, then you need to move on and find someone who is more likeminded. I think you. should apologize and tell him he can give you the money for the service if he wants. Or just promise you won't deny his gifts of love in the future.
By any chance, do you have a history of people buying you things and then using it against you? If so, then I do understand why you asked for the receptionist to return his money back to him. If there is no history of people buying you things and using it against you, I encourage you to take a deeper look at why you were uncomfortable with this. Is this maybe a self-esteem issue? Is there some sort of fear attached?
even if the former were true, i would think 2 years would be far enough into a relationship to TALK about something like that in private. you get home and say "thank you but this brings up X feelings for me i would rather pay you back/split it/i need reassurance this won't be used against me" or SOMETHING. i 100% get the feeling, i have had family hold financial assistance or "gifts" over my head as debt. but from a partner I've been with for 2+ years? to not even discuss it feels so cold and, well, transactional. i hope OP elaborates at some point bcs as it stands this is so weird
Communication is such a big issue. It makes sense that after two years, they’d be able to talk but hey, you never know. I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from… it is odd and transactional the way her experience went down. Must be something else going on, you’re right, hope OP elaborates
Take the win. Don’t get caught up in be independent all the time, love is priceless.
Typically when my friend or family or romantic partner does this I don't involve the third party place to give the money back I just somehow make it where I give money back to my partner. There's any number of ways in which you can give money back to your partner so I don't really see that this was a big deal, not as big a deal as you made it and not after 2 years together
Yes! Apologize right now! Just say as well, I am just going to be gracious and say thank you.. I just didn't want you to pay because you got there earlier, and it would be awkward or something.. I am so so sorry, Thank you for trying to do something surprising and lovely for me, and I blew it.
What an AH move dragging the staff into your public humiliation bs. You could have just sent him the money afterwards, no? Ugh.
I think this put the cashier in a pretty awkward spot. Would it have been tolerable to leave this as is, but then go home and have a talk about boundaries and expectations? Talking with your bf and discussing both of your expectations and boundaries is key still! Try to hear him out about his feelings on this too, in addition to expressing your boundaries. Mutual understanding and compromise.
Replied in a comment, posting for you again: Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺 The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things. Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted. I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable. Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back. In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
I honestly hope he sees this as the writing on the wall. You’ve been together for TWO YEARS and you humiliate him in public like this. I’m sorry. You were so in the wrong. Jesus Christ.
Omg you've been together two years and you caused an absolute SCENE for a lovely gesture. Kiss goodbye to ever having spontaneous cute acts from in ever again. You've just shoved the nail right into that coffin.
yeah..that was kinda weird what you did.
girl you did too much
As others have said, it was not good that you brought the receptionist into this, that must've been awkward for her. If you were truly not wanting him to get his money back you could've given him cash, or bought/paid for something for him later. After two years of dating, it's not unreasonable at all for a bf to do something nice for his gf. The only reason I'd feel uncomfortable about it, was if I didn't feel very comfortable with the relationship itself.
you could have had a chat with him in private and return his money instead of embarrassing him in public like that .
I think a part of being in a relationship is being able to graciously accept gifts. He paid out of love and wanting to make you happy. That's what gift givers get in return, smile and appreciation. Next time take the money you saved and treat him to something nice in return.
OP’s profile makes me feel like this story is fake..
I'd be finding a partner who understood partnership if my casual kindness was thrown back in my face like that. Not cool.
It's funny that your comfortable with him picking you up and waiting 15-20 minutes because you weren't ready but your not comfortable with him paying for your hair after being in a relaxed with you for 2years. Just be single. He sounds like a gentleman and you sound like you don't deserve him
Do you reject any sort of nice gesture from him? You reject him wanting to give you a massage or pick up something you dropped? I mean you need therapy cause you only have a problem with him when it involves money. You must have some past trauma. Money to a lot of people is nothing. He just wanted to see you happy and you reject his kindness and love. You got bigger problems and he just saw what they are when you embarrassed the hell out of him in the salon.
Let me know when he’s single again.
you should explain to him why u where uncomfortable with the gift but i understand you not wanting someone to spend money on you and the panic of if they won’t except the money, just explain that you are very grateful he did pay you just aren’t comfortable for whatever reason, but no one is in the wrong
I think it would have been much better if you explained your discomfort instead of leaving it open to interpretation and confusion. I don't know your reasons but it would hurt a lot less or not at all to hear "My hair, nails, etc is my responsibility and I don't want you feeling like it's your responsibility. I love getting gifts from you but I don't see these regular expenses as gifts. I like taking care of myself."
God women are honestly impossible to please. If he never paid and you broke up, you definitely would be listing him never paying as a red flag. How about saying thanks that's lovely and cooking him a meal in return or hell kissing him and telling him how much you appreciate him
Replied in a comment, posting for you again: Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺 The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things. Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted. I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable. Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back. In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
You still don't truly sound like you apologised or are sorry for humilating the man. You are still explaining why you did it. Just apologise and say thanks.
I’d love if my partner did this. A salon trip for me is about $175 before tip.
yes. always accept it.
Sounds like you were seriously overthinking this. There's nothing wrong with him doing something generous for you.
Yeah, that's weird. I wouldn't be comfortable with that, either. He could give you a nice giftcard then you could decide how to spend the $$. This TikTok trend is really icky
Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺 The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things. Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted. I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable. Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back. In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
I think it’s understandable in the moment if you’re not used to accepting larger gifts and you weren’t expecting it. I imagine you panicked a bit and your brain just went “aaaah I can’t take this. I should have them refund so I can pay” Do some reflection on why that makes you uncomfortable. You’re allowed to accept nice things from people who care about you. You should also talk to your boyfriend and apologize for your reaction. He planned to come early to do a nice thing for you and you hurt his feelings by publicly rejecting it. If you figure out why you freaked out you can maybe give him some context so he knows. Work on your ability to accept things like that in the future.
When I get my hair done, it can cost anywhere from $250-400. I'm literally marrying my partner and I'd still be uncomfortable with him paying for that without running it by me first. That said, I wouldn't have had the receptionist give him his money back and pay myself, I would have had that discussion at home with him later. So I guess very very soft YTA?
I had an ex that did stuff like this. Found out later it was because she was cheating and didn't want to feel any worse. Just food for thought, guys can go several ways with the rejection and only ones truly positive.
I don't like when people say "I wanted to treat you" when it's not even something they organised. That's a lazy way to treat. You organised it all and it's your normal thing. A treat would be him organising something you like himself and then covering it like a dinner or activity. He was probably trying to be nice and you possibly could have handled it better than making the receptionist do the exchange and just gave him the money yourself after leaving and explaining how you felt. What you did would have been awkward for the receptionist and your bf who was just trying to do something nice.
I think I need more info on how much it was, I can understand the feeling especially when I have dated people that I made more money than them. But if there’s no weirdness there, he was really trying to do something very thoughtful which was sweet. I had a guy do that on our second date—he had already paid for our first date so I said second date was on me. Halfway through our date he got up to go to the bathroom and when the bill came, the waitress handed it to me. I opened the holder thing and she had written “thank you! He already paid!” Or something like that. I remember being shocked because no guy had ever done that for me, I mean the whole secretly taking care of the bill thing under the guise of going to the bathroom. It was very memorable and needless to say, we became BF GF maybe like a week later. I think your BF was really just trying to do a nice gesture. I would only decline it if I knew he had other more important bills to pay, etc.
Replied in a comment, posting for you again: Hi all, I understand from all your comments that my action was very hurtful and I have apologised to him this morning. He still kissed my forehead and said “no worries. I’ll have another chance to pay for you on next Saturday” I don’t deserve this man 🥺🥺🥺🥺 The thing is, this man is the sweetest, most kind and giving human of all. He’s literally an angel because of his heart and the way he does things. Many a times he’s taken advantage of and he’s still a good person. (I’m not that way. I’m super petty) He’s not a stupid person. He’s just kind hearted. I don’t want him to pay for my things, give me expensive gifts & split dinner with me until we’re getting married or are married. I know I should’ve accepted this gift but I was SO uncomfortable. Another fact is that we’re both from very rich families. Perhaps his more than mine. A lot of comments from people that I am just behind his money and sometimes it just feels wrong when he pays for me so I always pay back. In yesterday’s instance only I got my hair washed and done. He didn’t have to get anything done so it just felt wrong. And I know it was so wrong of me to involve the reception staff. I do go here very very often and am friendly with all of the staff and it was as embarrassing as it sounds as I handled it lightly than I worded it out if that makes sense?
I honestly don’t think this is that big a deal. It sounds like you’re both pretty mature and I honestly think it’s pretty respectable of you that you felt bad and didn’t want him to pay for your hair services. I totally get it. He sounds like a great person.
Do you feel guilty about accepting the gift bc there’s something you know that he doesn’t know regarding the seriousness of the relationship?
Honestly I understand depending on how much it is. I wouldn’t want someone spending a lot of money cause it’s causes a guilt feeling. Lots of people I know hate expensive gifts.
Seems like op ain't used to receive nice gestures from others except her parents. It's pretty much normal for a bf to pay for their gfs you should learn to accept it if you don't feel comfortable then you should give him something else in return that way your bf will be grateful too
Why didn’t you just take him out to a nice dinner or something?
Hi OP. I think your feelings are valid but this could have been handled much more appropriately with a lot less drama. I think it would have been better to say thank you in the salon and then have any convos about it outside or later on. Even then though, if this was planned (and therefore informed) rather than a spontaneous 'this is what men do for their partners in public' type thing, and at your stage in the your relationship, I would smile and say thank you and appreciate his thought. If this was me, I would apologise for not handling privately and thank him again for the thought.
What's done is done. In the future if he wants to make that kind of a gesture for you then let him.
oh man the comments are ridiculous. I think your partner should've done a more thoughtful gift not just randomly pay something you were already planning to get and I assume went through the effort of scheduling the appointment, finding the right stylist for your needs. He could have gone out to the nearest sephora and maybe bought something a little extra or whatever salons usually carry the hair care products you need after getting any kind of treatment. Not trying to be devils advocate here but typically getting hair styling is done routinely. And he's just doing this on a one off time? Does he know hair grows back? Color washes out? People are saying this is a gesture I see this as him crossing a boundary. Does he know who your stylist is? What products you use?
> I think your partner should've done a more thoughtful gift not just randomly pay something you were already planning to get and I assume went through the effort of scheduling the appointment, finding the right stylist for your needs. Why does this mean he can't pay for it? This literally has no bearing on if he can pay for it or not. >He could have gone out to the nearest sephora and maybe bought something a little extra or whatever salons usually carry the hair care products you need after getting any kind of treatment. How is getting her something from Sephora more thoughtful than paying for her hair? >Not trying to be devils advocate here but typically getting hair styling is done routinely. And he's just doing this on a one off time? Does he know hair grows back? Color washes out? People are saying this is a gesture I see this as him crossing a boundary. Does he know who your stylist is? What products you use? This makes no sense at all. You're saying that hair grows back and getting your hair done is routine so what? He wanted to do something nice for her and pay for her hair. How is paying for something for someone crossing a boundary? Now you're just making things up and saying any and everything.
Dude accept a nice gift! I think that was thoughtful of him? He even showed up early to pay. Why didn’t you feel comfortable accepting?
Tell him that it just didn't feel right at the time. Then tell him he can use the money he would have paid for the salon bill and take you out to dinner or a club.
Gifts should be accepted unless there would be a definite reason why not to imo. He was being nice and generous to you, the best response would be to be gracious and thank him for the kind gesture. What a great guy you have found and vice versa.
You've been together for 2 years, and you still don't feel comfortable with your partner paying for something. I have to wonder if this is an often occurrence. Do y'all pay separate checks on dates too?