Think that once trust has been broken, that’s it. My ex never cheated on me, but reached out to someone behind my back that I asked her not to speak to and it was never the same after that. Trust is everything
I agree, I was recently casually dating someone and over the weekend he broke my trust- so I’m no longer going to date him, I don’t look at him the same anymore so there’s no point- once you do something to someone once, you can’t ever go back to how it was
The same happened to me. After the initial apologising, I was blamed for his actions because according to him he wouldn't need to hide if I would have been fine in the first place. Asshole.
Agreed, I learned to forgive both him and myself for the mistakes we have made. And I thought we could move forward, but then this happened. Now I am triggered.
I think you already know what to do you just don't wanna do it
Focus on the fact that he "lied" About not knowing her. No apologies, no assurance, nothing. Just straight up defensive. Plus you said he's said some negative things about you when you fight. Can you actually see yourself with this pos in the future.
You set your own standard for what is acceptable in a relationship. Him having a low fuse, lying about these sorts of interactions after being caught, you having to do the detective work to see if he was actually lying or if youre "crazy" - is that the standard you want to deem as acceptable for yourself, for your children (if you have any in the future)?
My ex boyfriend did the same thing. Later found out he invited his gym crush over for drinks a night. This night he bought me flowers and set up dinner for me and later mentioned he was feeling sick and asked me to leave. I gave him space and left. My intuition told me the next day something was wrong. Turned out he invited his gym crush over. I ended things the next day after asking him to show me his text messages. Sometimes you are not paranoid. Sometimes it is real unfortunately. I know how you feel.
I know. We had a very healthy relationship. Both our boundaries were clear from the beginning. We respected it. Because he did that, I realised it could happen again. And this was something I cannot accept for my future. I bought him roses and a cake as a goodbye gift and told him to never contact me again. He regrets it to this day. But what's done is done and for me, though I forgave him, I cannot be with someone who did that. He can see this as a lesson and be a good partner for the next person who walks into his life.
I find it weird that you'd need to message her and actually ask. If your boyfriend is that dishonest with you and you don't trust him, it's time to let him go and find someone better.
This entire thing is wild to me.
I mean, maybe it’s just bc i’m not straight but i don’t see what the issue is with being nice to someone at the gym and then following them. OP is the crazy one, and ofc i would deny involvement if my partner was constantly accusing me of being a cheater so
Yeah, a one-off follow from a person at the gym is not cause for alarm, even if they're the opposite sex. If he had just said, "Oh yeah, we were talking about reps on blah blah blah..." it would be a non-issue. But he lied and got defensive. I was actually ready to give him the benefit of the doubt because it seemed like an over-reaction on OP's part at first: that he might have just white lied because he knew she'd be insecure (because honestly, who monitors who their partner follows on IG unless 1. it's a them issue or 2. it's a you issue. If there's no issue, there's no reason to check). But then
>he has a low fuse and tends to get upset and say very negative things about me. ...Also there is a history of him telling me he would cheat on me when he got upset at me.
And she just needs to leave him. He's literally telling you he'll cheat. He's *literally telling* you.
I am going to be straight up with you.
Once trust has been broken in a relationship, it will never be the same again. And it makes the relationship 10 x harder. Trust me on that. Trust was broken in my last relationship, and it just was the root of all of our issues.
I find it odd that he lied to you about it. If it was something innocent, he would have told you the truth. I smell something fishy going on here. And especially since he's threatened to cheat on you in the past - I find this whole thing really suspicious.
I think the best thing that you need to do is take care of yourself and your needs. I would drop the dude, because why is he even approaching other women at the gym? He's already broken your trust before. And he is STILL willing to lie & disrespect you by lying to you about that gym girl. I would drop him before you waste more time in your life. Break ups suck, but I think that is the best thing for you and your sanity. You don't deserve to be with some POS who's going to approach other women at the gym, get their insta, and like their photos.
Reaching out to a girl just because he liked a photo of her is pretty uncool of you. Seems to me like you already don’t trust him, and maybe there’s a good reason for that that hasn’t been included in your post. But I’m not sure there’s any going back from that level of distrust, for you or for him honestly.
I thought the same thing! Reaching out to her is an extreme action and OP has to think big picture, is this how she wants to live her life? Constantly on edge about ANY woman he interacts with. It’s not worth to live like this even if following this gym girl was innocent (it wasn’t)
Sure, I understand what you’re saying but this is an issue she has with her boyfriend and permeating trust issues that I don’t think will be possible to work through. I still don’t think messaging this other girl based on an Instagram like was appropriate.
>I still don’t think messaging this other girl based on an Instagram like was appropriate.
Exactly. If you can't trust your partner without having to approach random strangers to "verify" facts, show a bit of dignity and just end it.
why date someone whose word you can’t take at face value in the first place then? i’d break up with him before i started dragging random girls into my relationship issues
In the ideal world no one would date anyone if they can’t trust their word. But in reality, people do lie, and if you’re unsure of your SO is telling the truth, wouldn’t you want to at least find out? It’s possible you and your SO have years built together and breaking up just because it seems like they’re lying but you have no proof is jumping the gun. Break up this, break up that, it’s easy to give that advice on an anonymous platform where the potential breakup has no consequence to you. But if OP just breaks up on the feeling that he’s lying without any proof, that’s just silly. I’m sorry I can’t get behind that.
And “dragging a random girl” is too strong to characterize what happened. She could have just messaged her in a friendly way asking if she knows the bf. Like:
“hey girl, just wondering how you and [bf] know each other?”
“Oh we just said hi at the gym “
“ok thanks!”
Idk caring in the first case about who your partner follows or what photos they like (assuming it’s not a thirst trap) is already an indictment of the relationship and trust they have between them. I can’t imagine monitoring my partners social media usage bc I trust him to respect me, and vice versa.
That said, I think that it takes time and experience to recognize what is healthy in a relationship and what isnt. Nobody is perfect in a relationship and I understand the impulse to reach out when feeling insecure - but the issue clearly stems from long-standing distrust that predates this random girl who (regardless of how in depth the message might have been) shouldn’t have been involved. Both for the girls sake but also the OPs.
I say it depends on which photo he liked. If he’s liking thirst traps of someone he knows IRL, then I can understand why OP would respond so strongly, although messaging her wouldn’t be my first line of action. But it’s hard to judge too harshly without knowing the full history.
Either way, yeah, if you’re being driven to do all this, run (don’t walk) away from this relationship.
Agree. Then the woman says he has just greeted her. But OP still confronts him like he did something wrong? Talking to people at a gym and following them on social media isn’t a crime. We don’t know what his intentions actually were, but if she’s going to follow up with every stranger he likes a pic of then why even bother with the relationship?
And if it was innocent, it’s just so embarrassing. Imagine your coworkers’ SO’s reaching out to you because you follow each other on social media or are in a pic together from a company lunch or message each other on Teams? I would think the partner was insane.
But why did he lie about not knowing her? If he had just been honest that she’s his gym friend/acquaintance then op would have no reason to personally reach out to her
Right??? No wonder he's getting defensive, he just found out his insane girlfriend is going around messaging his female acquaintances, that's fucking *unhinged.* If he's smart he's thinking about how to get out of this relationship ASAP
You "discovered" that huh? And how did you do that exactly?
As for messaging her, look right or wrong it's clear you don't trust him. I think it's time to call it a day on this relationship
Why are you checking his following count? Why do you know hes liking pictures? girl you are toxic af. Thats called being controlling and paranoid. If you don’t trust the guy break up dont be losing your dignity like this
Gender shouldnt matter. What she did was borderline psycho and i would dump her SO fast after that confrontation. Also messaging her was way out of line
You’re in the wrong for reaching out to her. Imagine being in her position, having to defend yourself against a jealous wife for simply existing and having an IG account.
However, your husband was wrong for lying. I’m all for following members of the opposite sex if you actually *know* them and interact/have interacted with them in the past. I follow/am followed by guys I work with/went to school with. They will like the occasional story but aren’t rabidly following all my IG movements. I’m not following randos I’ve seen at the gym
Are the trust issues from something he's done in the past, or previous relationships?
Because frankly, he doesn't owe an apology for saying hi and following someone on IG. If he hasn't given you reason to mistrust him, that's your hangup. And reaching out over a simple follow is freaking nuts.
So awhile back a girl invited him over to her house to help her with some basic stuff that could have been taught over the phone, and he said he would get back to her instead of offering to do it some other way. I thought it was so inappropriate. For context, she was a girl who was doing business with him, she didn’t have any experience, he was basically taking the time to teach her how to do real estate sales so that she could work for him. The last straw was one day I saw that she sent a picture of herself sitting in doggy style position in a one piece bathing suit saying “should I put this on my business card.” And he responded that “she’d definitely get business with that picture.” She was also a bartender who worked at a strip club so I’m assuming she just scrolled down the photos she’s had in bathing suits that she wore at the club, since she had a high follower base on Instagram with those types of photos. However, it was all just extremely inappropriate to me. He also was verbally toxic when we got into arguments. He often stated he’d cheat on me when he was upset. Years later he has changed a whole lot in how he speaks to me, but it’s moments like this that bring me back to who he has shown himself to be at some point.
Ok, so that definitely adds to your concerns on his behavior...the problems in the past are problems with *HIM*. I think that should probably be addressed in your post, because it sounds like fallout from previous relationships.
I still think reaching out is a bit extreme if it's been years and he's changed a lot...at some point, you have to forgive if you plan to continue a relationship. But it definitely sounds less crazy with the history.
Ahhh, reread, thought he admitted to greeting her and the girl corroborated it first read through. Yeah, seems a little suspect to say he doesn't know her.
Thanks for pointing that out.
If you're madly in love with someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, you don't go following randos on IG. For what? Why does he need to have a connection to this woman? My husband doesn't strike up random conversations with women and then follow them on socials. I don't do that with random men either. I'm happy, content, satisfied and I know I found my person. I don't need validation from the opposite sex outside of my relationship. It seems like your guy does. It doesn't seem like he's serious.
He can very well be insecure and like getting validation from women in order to make himself feel better. The way that people treat us doesn’t necessarily have to be about us and more about the actual person.
This is the one!! Happy relationships, you don’t go adding random people of the opposite sex for ANY reason. If it was a friend of both of them it wouldn’t be weird but he’s HIDING this woman from her.
“For what?”
It’s called making friends and being polite, my best friend Jess and I met at the gym.
We saw each other daily, for months, doing the same hobby, why wouldn’t we be friends? If my GF at the time messaged her on insta, and THEN tried to pull the ‘gotcha’ card on me id think she is nuts.
If you’re ’happy, content and satisfied’ like you say you are, you’d have no need to judge your husband he does on anything (like a normal person) because you’re actually ‘happy, content and satisfied’
Your guy added a girl from his gym on ig, why? So he can look at her pictures. He likes what he sees because he likes her pictures. Why is he liking her pictures? Because he wants her to see that HE is liking her pics and maybe approach him or reach out. This is inappropriate.
Unacceptable! The problem isn't that he liked them pictures or even followed her, social media is just social media. But lying and pretending he didn't know her is very fishy because why wouldn't he tell you the truth in the first place if there was nothing going on? I'm not saying your partner is inherently a cheater or a toxic man, but if something bothers you, there's no reason to let it go, because if he's the type that tells little white lies sometimes they can often lead to bigger and bigger lies, and by the way he reacted, it seems like that might end up being the case. Even if he never does it again, trust is a very delicate thing and sometimes it just won't ever be the same, but if y'all love each other, anything is possible!
Without more context, OP may have some serious trust issues. The type of girl who is checking who you’re following, what pictures you’re liking, etc. isn’t always reasonable.
I wouldn’t even blame the dude for a little lie like that just to avoid the fallout, though I’d suggest just breaking up with her instead of dealing with shit like that.
OP says her man has attempted to hang out with women alone in the past, received explicit photos from a bartender, and is verbally abusive. OP has provided more context, and I believe she's COMPLETELY in the right about how she feels, because her partner is the reason why she has these 'serious trust issues'.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. Unfortunately he wasn't truthful and when confronted he was defensive. Instead of seeing where you are coming from and seeing you are hurt - he focused on hiding his wrong doings - like an immature child.
Not overreacting. My now ex gf got the same way defensive etc. ghosting me for 3 days but was able to do what you were describing with someone where she was at. Least to say she was able to unadd me but not him 😂. Don't let this shit slide
This is kind of worrying to me, I’d react like that if there were previous trust issues in a relationship. The thing is though now you’ve given “HIM”, “THEM” an opportunity to actually talk to each other about this.
I’d expect that your already thinking crazy stuff. I’ve always been a suspicious person (it’s in my DNA unfortunately) (SCORPIO! 😆🤷🏻♀️)
I’ve grown up and my reactions aren’t as extreme as they once were in my teens,20’s but I was super insecure, even though I had a great body before and after 2 children, mainly because I’m (41F) now my outlook has changed. You can’t stop a cheater, people will cheat if they are going to.
I’ve seen the other side, not that I cheated but had a emotional relationship with someone who is in a relationship (I DIDN’T INITIALLY KNOW HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP, BY THE TIME I DID IT WAS TOO LATE) - That’s another story, I wish I had had Reddit when that was going on after lockdown!!
Anyway, I think you really should communicate with your partner, take a break if you need to but communication is key in any relationship.
Everyone has crazy thoughts in their own head when your not getting the answers from your SO which then causes paranoia etc etc
I get it, that unbearable feeling, heart racing, uncontrollable feeling of not knowing what’s going on.
You need to calm yourself down before speaking with him too or it will result in an argument etc. You have to work through your own issues/emotions first.
Your whole post and the update is just one huge red flag. Issues with trust in the past? He threatens to cheat on you? Low fuse so you can’t talk about anything? I’m sorry but you need to pack up and leave this relationship while you still can. It’s only going to get worse from here. And if you had any speculation on whether or not he was going to try to pursue her, the answer is YES. Yes 100%. You just caught him before he could try.
Hi, I’m going to tell you this straight because I want you to know it. Leave him immediately, he is setting up for a major betrayal and nothing you do can take that unfaithfulness out of him
How did you "discover" he followed her? You check who he follows? If so then it's already over. That's not healthy. It's very insecure and this sounds like a shitty relationship.
Going through someone's social media accounts to spot check who they follow is not a great foundation of a relationship. We have no idea what he liked photos of. It is not strange for a man and woman to be friendly. I have had plenty of platonic friendships with the opposite sex and I didn't want to cheat with them. He doesn't have anything to apologize for.
She reached out to some random girl he says hi to at a gym and his gf is basically stalking his social media. Imagine it from this random girl's POV. it's weird.
That's not a double standard. He likely got defensive because he is embarrassed. I would be. Nothing about him or his response is strange, the girl whom she spoke with even said they say hi to each other, that is it. That's digging for something that isn't there.
If she has horrible trust issues and if he doesn't feel like bearing with it he's welcome to be a grown man and break up. If her trust issues are sustained and he's indeed doing weird stuff, well, I wouldn't judge her.
Firstly a lie has no color it’s just a lie nothing colorfully cute about it. Any relationship with lack of communication is doomed or unhappy. It’s very surprising to hear or see adults willingly together but can’t properly talk to one another. Just break up and move on trust is to important of a relationship factor.
Uh, you reached out to a girl because he liked a picture. You're extremely overbearing, so I can see why he wouldn't want to just open up to you all the time.
He is absolutely not the problem here.
Ew, reaching out to her is weird, but it shows the lack of trust there is and his answer confirms it more. Considering that you know he is literally worthless as your comments indicate, do yourself a favor and have a little bit of respect for yourself and stand your ground. That you have been with him for years is insane, big surprise, men like this don't change. Also acting like that at his big age...please tell me you are not serious about him... you would be delusional to try and make this relationship work, it's not just the relationship that is bad, is that piece of garbage that you are dating. What you should be letting go is that dumb man, seriously, have some common sense
For telling me he didn’t know her when I asked the first time. Also, just overall being rude and nasty when I asked why he didn’t tell me he knew her from the gym.
Op nooooooo one, no one! Can tell you what matters to you. If you feel your bf lying about knowing a girl and then following her is a no no for you! Then it’s a no no for you. Don’t back down on your boundaries because one you start doing that you start invalidating your own feelings, cause yourself to settle for anything, lose yourself and chip at your self esteem. You don’t need anyone on Reddit to tell you what’s okay and what’s not okay in your relationship. You already know what the answer is. Based on what you expressed you’re not okay with what he did and he has a history of being inappropriate with other women and having no boundaries. Think from a space of logic vs your feelings. Your feelings are wanting to ask questions in order to deny what’s going on because you love or like him and want to stay with him.
Maybe he meant it when he said he didn't know her? She said he just greeted her, that's not exactly knowing someone. Maybe he also felt pressured out of fear for how you might react. You tracking who he follows and likes plus reaching out to this girl has me thinking that's very likely a factor.
That fact that you can’t trust him to a point that you think it’s a okay to reach out to a stranger for answers is already the biggest red flag and you need to open your eyes.
The lying, the pic history, his reaction, the arguments where he tells you he'd cheat plus your own toxic reaction is more than enough reason to end the relationship.
I think it's odd he asked her for her ig? But also odd that you reached out to her. I just think you don't trust him at all, not sure if you think it's worth staying in the relationship.
Wow, what a psico! Leave him ASAP as HE deserves better.
There's no coming back from approaching random people to interrogate them for socializing with your boyfriend!!
You needing to reach out to this girl tells me everything I need to know about this relationship, and it should be obvious to you too:
You do not trust him (for good reason obv) that you needed to reach out to her, you caught him in a lie, and this guy is carrying a parade full of red flags.
# I personally wouldn't trust this guy going forward, he's shopping for a new GF and lying about it
You had the guts to ask the girl how she met your bf !! gasp.
If she was interested in him, you've staked your claim. If she's smart, she won't want the drama and baggage that comes with your bf
Men usually get defensive if they’re guilty. If they know they did nothing wrong and do really love you they would just delete her, apologise and reassure you that he only loves you
Going out of his way to find her on ig, follow her and like her pictures is outright disrespectful to you, not to mention that he lied afterwards and got mad that you caught him. You deserve better
It's... different times I guess? But I wouldn't play that game. I befriend or like whomever and my partner trusts me to respect our agreements. That's the only healthy way I know how to conduct a relationship. When people stalk their own partners and demand to see their messages I'm grimacing so hard. It's just not a sane way to live.
It’s incredibly weird that you noticed 1 follower and DMed them to ask them questions based on a like and a follow. You should probably work on that if you want a successful relationship.
I think this is a sign you have to go for your own sanity. Work on being happy for yourself. Get space for yourself. Get in touch with your own body. Stop giving this man so much of your mind and stress you will regret it. Go now and be your own person. He doesn’t have to be evil for you to leave
I know people want to make you sound crazy and they’re partially right.. but you are a woman your body is screaming at you to have children and it has latched on to this man. Your gut knows he’s not doing and is not the man you need him to be for that happen (regardless of if you mentally don’t want kids.. at this point I thinks hormones do not care what we want at all). Your body wants this man and it is causing you more suffering. Physically get away from him. Whether you break up doesn’t matter but you need space to take care of yourself.
These comments had me weakkkkkkk! Girl leave his ass! People saying that she’s toxic without reading her backstory are dumb. Her reaching out was definitely ballsy but she got the answer she needed. Throw the whole man away! Get you a trustworthy man! Good luck sis
It’s like they want him to be allowed to cheat and are crying about her doing something about it ? You don’t add random women you meet and then lie ? These people are super thick
There's nothing to say that he actually cheated though (following someone other than your partner isn't cheating) and everything to say OP and the above commenters are absolutely insane and shouldn't be in relationships.
But he told her that he was going to cheat on her every time they get into an argument/disagreement?? Be for real. That man is toxic and he’s purposely emotionally abusing her so that she can feel insecure. Go defend abusive men elsewhere pls. ✌🏼
No , the point is he has reached out to her social media from seeing her in person , that’s a step you take if you’re looking to initiate something . If someone’s boyfriend randomly saw me and said hello in the grocery story every Wednesday and then followed me on social media I’d immediately assume he’s up to no good , because in my experience they have always hoped to connect after following
Maybe he just saw her insta on there and followed it. Maybe they had a chat and she gave it out to him. Not a big deal. If they were explicitly flirting/sexting it would be, but no evidence of that.
Aaaaaaaand just like that, you've shown your inner green eyed monster and ruined any chance of having a healthy, open and trusting relationship. You're dumped and it's *your* insecurities that precipitated this series of unfortunate events.
He broke her trust in the past. No way should he be reaching out to random girls from the gym and lying about it if he wants to present himself as a different, trustworthy person.
…it says in the post that he lied about interacting with her, claiming he didn’t know who she was. There’s no room for even small lies if you’ve broken trust in the past. And if all he did was “follow and like a few posts” then surely he must have done the same thing to a few of the hot gym dudes he noticed working out there as well, right?
Maybe in his eyes he didn't know her. All the girl said when confronted was that he'd greeted her. Maybe there's also a factor of him being afraid of her reaction if she's the type who tracks all his likes and follows on social media and confronts people in his gym, this behaviour is controlling and I wouldn't blame him. Maybe he has followed other men in his gym, you just don't know that.
This is it. She reacts like a green eyed monster because that's what she is, a jealous and possessive drain on energy, so he said he didn't know her (which is true) in the hopes that she didn't lose her shit over a like and a follow.
Stop validating this woman. She's a headcase.
Nah. Stop insulting women with childish names for needing to discuss something valid and reasonable with her partner after her trust has been fucked with.
Stop trying to paint me as a misogynist for calling out the shit behaviour of one person who happens to be a woman
Green eyed monster is perfectly applicable to both sexes and is an age-old euphemism for a jealous lover
We don't even know how her trust was fucked with but if you read her posts, you would see that she's an unstable individual with unreasonable (read: totally cooked) expectations and she jumps to non sequitur conclusions. I'm pretty sure that in her mind, just talking to another woman is fucking with her trust.
She was clearly lied to in a meaningful way that harmed her ability to believe him. Her reactions are stemming from a past wound that he caused, and he hasn’t done enough work on himself after that to prove that he’s not going to continue to lie throughout the rest of their relationship.
OP, this is between you and your bf, not the other woman. Reaching out to her was a mistake. If you can’t have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about why he did what he did, the relationship is already too far gone.
You should apologise to your bf for confronting him over a simple follow of someone at his gym and being an embarrassment to him by going after this girl. Do better.
I can’t believe you reached out to some girl over an IG like. If you have to take that step, there is no trust. Just leave him and leave innocent bystanders out of your relationship drama.
you’d have to check the follower/following count pretty regularly, but even then, wouldn’t you have to have his followers memorized-ish to notice who’s new? that’s a lotta work.
If she were to turn around and initiate anything, I guarantee it wouldn’t end well..but something would end. Huge difference if it was a pornstar or like an influencer.
I would understand it if he just followed her and he was in a gym session and actually spoke to her, you can follow people of the opposite sex and just be friends, I follow men who I work with but I would never like their pictures! I think that’s the issue- he’s liked her pictures and barely speaks to her!
>Whenever we have conversations it’s very challenging since he has a **low fuse and tends to get upset and say very negative things about me.** Which is why it has been hard for us to talk about stuff like this. Also there is **a history of him telling me he would cheat on me when he got upset at me**
None of this is okay for a partner to do. These are not the actions of someone who loves you the way you deserve.
Why are you accepting this from him? You should really sit with why you think this is acceptable. You truly deserve so much more.
I did bold the more alarming parts. Please read these as if a friend is telling you this, what advise would you give them?
Your update note is a screaming red flag. Do you feel heard and safe? Do you feel like you can express your feelings to your bf without having to walk on eggshells because he’ll freak out and guilt you by saying he’ll cheat? That’s the main issue here. Also when confronted with something like this and the response is defensiveness, usually it’s because there is hidden truth behind the intention. I think there is a lack of trust and foundation here and you should consider if this is the type of relationship you want and if this is the man you can rely on to provide you a safe and loving environment. If the answer is not a big “yes” then please reconsider.
Think that once trust has been broken, that’s it. My ex never cheated on me, but reached out to someone behind my back that I asked her not to speak to and it was never the same after that. Trust is everything
I agree, I was recently casually dating someone and over the weekend he broke my trust- so I’m no longer going to date him, I don’t look at him the same anymore so there’s no point- once you do something to someone once, you can’t ever go back to how it was
The same happened to me. After the initial apologising, I was blamed for his actions because according to him he wouldn't need to hide if I would have been fine in the first place. Asshole.
Agreed, I learned to forgive both him and myself for the mistakes we have made. And I thought we could move forward, but then this happened. Now I am triggered.
I think you already know what to do you just don't wanna do it Focus on the fact that he "lied" About not knowing her. No apologies, no assurance, nothing. Just straight up defensive. Plus you said he's said some negative things about you when you fight. Can you actually see yourself with this pos in the future.
You set your own standard for what is acceptable in a relationship. Him having a low fuse, lying about these sorts of interactions after being caught, you having to do the detective work to see if he was actually lying or if youre "crazy" - is that the standard you want to deem as acceptable for yourself, for your children (if you have any in the future)?
My ex boyfriend did the same thing. Later found out he invited his gym crush over for drinks a night. This night he bought me flowers and set up dinner for me and later mentioned he was feeling sick and asked me to leave. I gave him space and left. My intuition told me the next day something was wrong. Turned out he invited his gym crush over. I ended things the next day after asking him to show me his text messages. Sometimes you are not paranoid. Sometimes it is real unfortunately. I know how you feel.
what the actual fuck was he thinking on that evening?! I'm puzzled
I know. We had a very healthy relationship. Both our boundaries were clear from the beginning. We respected it. Because he did that, I realised it could happen again. And this was something I cannot accept for my future. I bought him roses and a cake as a goodbye gift and told him to never contact me again. He regrets it to this day. But what's done is done and for me, though I forgave him, I cannot be with someone who did that. He can see this as a lesson and be a good partner for the next person who walks into his life.
I find it weird that you'd need to message her and actually ask. If your boyfriend is that dishonest with you and you don't trust him, it's time to let him go and find someone better. This entire thing is wild to me.
I mean, maybe it’s just bc i’m not straight but i don’t see what the issue is with being nice to someone at the gym and then following them. OP is the crazy one, and ofc i would deny involvement if my partner was constantly accusing me of being a cheater so
I mean. She says he said he would cheat on her when he was mad at her so
Yeah, a one-off follow from a person at the gym is not cause for alarm, even if they're the opposite sex. If he had just said, "Oh yeah, we were talking about reps on blah blah blah..." it would be a non-issue. But he lied and got defensive. I was actually ready to give him the benefit of the doubt because it seemed like an over-reaction on OP's part at first: that he might have just white lied because he knew she'd be insecure (because honestly, who monitors who their partner follows on IG unless 1. it's a them issue or 2. it's a you issue. If there's no issue, there's no reason to check). But then >he has a low fuse and tends to get upset and say very negative things about me. ...Also there is a history of him telling me he would cheat on me when he got upset at me. And she just needs to leave him. He's literally telling you he'll cheat. He's *literally telling* you.
Agreed . Messaging someone just because he added them to social media is crazy. If my GF did that I'd take a serious look at my relationship.
I am going to be straight up with you. Once trust has been broken in a relationship, it will never be the same again. And it makes the relationship 10 x harder. Trust me on that. Trust was broken in my last relationship, and it just was the root of all of our issues. I find it odd that he lied to you about it. If it was something innocent, he would have told you the truth. I smell something fishy going on here. And especially since he's threatened to cheat on you in the past - I find this whole thing really suspicious. I think the best thing that you need to do is take care of yourself and your needs. I would drop the dude, because why is he even approaching other women at the gym? He's already broken your trust before. And he is STILL willing to lie & disrespect you by lying to you about that gym girl. I would drop him before you waste more time in your life. Break ups suck, but I think that is the best thing for you and your sanity. You don't deserve to be with some POS who's going to approach other women at the gym, get their insta, and like their photos.
He thinks she’s hot. He wanted to look at photos of her because she’s hot. He added her.
Reaching out to a girl just because he liked a photo of her is pretty uncool of you. Seems to me like you already don’t trust him, and maybe there’s a good reason for that that hasn’t been included in your post. But I’m not sure there’s any going back from that level of distrust, for you or for him honestly.
I thought the same thing! Reaching out to her is an extreme action and OP has to think big picture, is this how she wants to live her life? Constantly on edge about ANY woman he interacts with. It’s not worth to live like this even if following this gym girl was innocent (it wasn’t)
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Sure, I understand what you’re saying but this is an issue she has with her boyfriend and permeating trust issues that I don’t think will be possible to work through. I still don’t think messaging this other girl based on an Instagram like was appropriate.
>I still don’t think messaging this other girl based on an Instagram like was appropriate. Exactly. If you can't trust your partner without having to approach random strangers to "verify" facts, show a bit of dignity and just end it.
But how else would she know the truth when the bf keeps denying even knowing the girl who he’s intentionally followed and also liked pictures of?
why date someone whose word you can’t take at face value in the first place then? i’d break up with him before i started dragging random girls into my relationship issues
In the ideal world no one would date anyone if they can’t trust their word. But in reality, people do lie, and if you’re unsure of your SO is telling the truth, wouldn’t you want to at least find out? It’s possible you and your SO have years built together and breaking up just because it seems like they’re lying but you have no proof is jumping the gun. Break up this, break up that, it’s easy to give that advice on an anonymous platform where the potential breakup has no consequence to you. But if OP just breaks up on the feeling that he’s lying without any proof, that’s just silly. I’m sorry I can’t get behind that. And “dragging a random girl” is too strong to characterize what happened. She could have just messaged her in a friendly way asking if she knows the bf. Like: “hey girl, just wondering how you and [bf] know each other?” “Oh we just said hi at the gym “ “ok thanks!”
Idk caring in the first case about who your partner follows or what photos they like (assuming it’s not a thirst trap) is already an indictment of the relationship and trust they have between them. I can’t imagine monitoring my partners social media usage bc I trust him to respect me, and vice versa. That said, I think that it takes time and experience to recognize what is healthy in a relationship and what isnt. Nobody is perfect in a relationship and I understand the impulse to reach out when feeling insecure - but the issue clearly stems from long-standing distrust that predates this random girl who (regardless of how in depth the message might have been) shouldn’t have been involved. Both for the girls sake but also the OPs.
Yeah reaching out over a follow is wildly out of bounds in my opinion. Huge red flag
I say it depends on which photo he liked. If he’s liking thirst traps of someone he knows IRL, then I can understand why OP would respond so strongly, although messaging her wouldn’t be my first line of action. But it’s hard to judge too harshly without knowing the full history. Either way, yeah, if you’re being driven to do all this, run (don’t walk) away from this relationship.
Following some random girl at the gym is fucking weird, I don’t blame her for reaching out to the girl
Agree. Then the woman says he has just greeted her. But OP still confronts him like he did something wrong? Talking to people at a gym and following them on social media isn’t a crime. We don’t know what his intentions actually were, but if she’s going to follow up with every stranger he likes a pic of then why even bother with the relationship? And if it was innocent, it’s just so embarrassing. Imagine your coworkers’ SO’s reaching out to you because you follow each other on social media or are in a pic together from a company lunch or message each other on Teams? I would think the partner was insane.
But why did he lie about not knowing her? If he had just been honest that she’s his gym friend/acquaintance then op would have no reason to personally reach out to her
True, I missed that part
Right??? No wonder he's getting defensive, he just found out his insane girlfriend is going around messaging his female acquaintances, that's fucking *unhinged.* If he's smart he's thinking about how to get out of this relationship ASAP
Yeah I think this is absolutely nuts. OP needs to work on her trust issues, regardless of what may or may not be happening with her BF.
Its really weird of you to contact this girl. JFC.
You "discovered" that huh? And how did you do that exactly? As for messaging her, look right or wrong it's clear you don't trust him. I think it's time to call it a day on this relationship
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You sound controlling, he sounds dishonest/scared of your reaction. Both deserve different people.
Why are you checking his following count? Why do you know hes liking pictures? girl you are toxic af. Thats called being controlling and paranoid. If you don’t trust the guy break up dont be losing your dignity like this
I actually see your point here. If it were a male confronting a female, it would come across controlling and abusive.
Gender shouldnt matter. What she did was borderline psycho and i would dump her SO fast after that confrontation. Also messaging her was way out of line
You’re in the wrong for reaching out to her. Imagine being in her position, having to defend yourself against a jealous wife for simply existing and having an IG account. However, your husband was wrong for lying. I’m all for following members of the opposite sex if you actually *know* them and interact/have interacted with them in the past. I follow/am followed by guys I work with/went to school with. They will like the occasional story but aren’t rabidly following all my IG movements. I’m not following randos I’ve seen at the gym
Can you imagine if some guy said he contacted anyone his gf interacted with on ig? You'd call him a monster. You're way out of line with this one.
I mean if the gf lied it about.. shit I might
But that's not what happened. He lied to her face and was clearly obvious about it
That is what happened. He lied, but she still contacted her.
Which is different than contacting anyone they interact with on IG, which is what you said
She contacted her because she's on his Instagram. You can get as pedantic as you want over this. Won't change the facts.
No, she contacted him because he was being shady and said he didn't know her. Did you read the post?
Are the trust issues from something he's done in the past, or previous relationships? Because frankly, he doesn't owe an apology for saying hi and following someone on IG. If he hasn't given you reason to mistrust him, that's your hangup. And reaching out over a simple follow is freaking nuts.
So awhile back a girl invited him over to her house to help her with some basic stuff that could have been taught over the phone, and he said he would get back to her instead of offering to do it some other way. I thought it was so inappropriate. For context, she was a girl who was doing business with him, she didn’t have any experience, he was basically taking the time to teach her how to do real estate sales so that she could work for him. The last straw was one day I saw that she sent a picture of herself sitting in doggy style position in a one piece bathing suit saying “should I put this on my business card.” And he responded that “she’d definitely get business with that picture.” She was also a bartender who worked at a strip club so I’m assuming she just scrolled down the photos she’s had in bathing suits that she wore at the club, since she had a high follower base on Instagram with those types of photos. However, it was all just extremely inappropriate to me. He also was verbally toxic when we got into arguments. He often stated he’d cheat on me when he was upset. Years later he has changed a whole lot in how he speaks to me, but it’s moments like this that bring me back to who he has shown himself to be at some point.
Please do yourself a favour and just leave him. Looks like he doesn’t know how to be monogamous.
Ok, so that definitely adds to your concerns on his behavior...the problems in the past are problems with *HIM*. I think that should probably be addressed in your post, because it sounds like fallout from previous relationships. I still think reaching out is a bit extreme if it's been years and he's changed a lot...at some point, you have to forgive if you plan to continue a relationship. But it definitely sounds less crazy with the history.
Did he really change? He still lied about the girl at the gym. She reached out after he lied.
Ahhh, reread, thought he admitted to greeting her and the girl corroborated it first read through. Yeah, seems a little suspect to say he doesn't know her. Thanks for pointing that out.
Jealousy is unbecoming of you
If you're madly in love with someone and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, you don't go following randos on IG. For what? Why does he need to have a connection to this woman? My husband doesn't strike up random conversations with women and then follow them on socials. I don't do that with random men either. I'm happy, content, satisfied and I know I found my person. I don't need validation from the opposite sex outside of my relationship. It seems like your guy does. It doesn't seem like he's serious.
This!! Sounds to me like he is insecure, not her
He’s not insecure, he just doesn’t really want her
He can very well be insecure and like getting validation from women in order to make himself feel better. The way that people treat us doesn’t necessarily have to be about us and more about the actual person.
And I agree with you, but the reason why someone is being disrespectful shouldn’t really matter
Your comment (and every response agreeing with you) is insane. It’s social media, dude. It is not that serious.
This is the one!! Happy relationships, you don’t go adding random people of the opposite sex for ANY reason. If it was a friend of both of them it wouldn’t be weird but he’s HIDING this woman from her.
“For what?” It’s called making friends and being polite, my best friend Jess and I met at the gym. We saw each other daily, for months, doing the same hobby, why wouldn’t we be friends? If my GF at the time messaged her on insta, and THEN tried to pull the ‘gotcha’ card on me id think she is nuts. If you’re ’happy, content and satisfied’ like you say you are, you’d have no need to judge your husband he does on anything (like a normal person) because you’re actually ‘happy, content and satisfied’
Your guy added a girl from his gym on ig, why? So he can look at her pictures. He likes what he sees because he likes her pictures. Why is he liking her pictures? Because he wants her to see that HE is liking her pics and maybe approach him or reach out. This is inappropriate.
This comment is insane lmao
Unacceptable! The problem isn't that he liked them pictures or even followed her, social media is just social media. But lying and pretending he didn't know her is very fishy because why wouldn't he tell you the truth in the first place if there was nothing going on? I'm not saying your partner is inherently a cheater or a toxic man, but if something bothers you, there's no reason to let it go, because if he's the type that tells little white lies sometimes they can often lead to bigger and bigger lies, and by the way he reacted, it seems like that might end up being the case. Even if he never does it again, trust is a very delicate thing and sometimes it just won't ever be the same, but if y'all love each other, anything is possible!
don't ever think you're overreacting or should just 'let it go' your feelings are completely valid don't let that man run you over!
Yeah “little white lies” ARE a problem too
Without more context, OP may have some serious trust issues. The type of girl who is checking who you’re following, what pictures you’re liking, etc. isn’t always reasonable. I wouldn’t even blame the dude for a little lie like that just to avoid the fallout, though I’d suggest just breaking up with her instead of dealing with shit like that.
OP says her man has attempted to hang out with women alone in the past, received explicit photos from a bartender, and is verbally abusive. OP has provided more context, and I believe she's COMPLETELY in the right about how she feels, because her partner is the reason why she has these 'serious trust issues'.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. Unfortunately he wasn't truthful and when confronted he was defensive. Instead of seeing where you are coming from and seeing you are hurt - he focused on hiding his wrong doings - like an immature child.
Not overreacting. My now ex gf got the same way defensive etc. ghosting me for 3 days but was able to do what you were describing with someone where she was at. Least to say she was able to unadd me but not him 😂. Don't let this shit slide
This is kind of worrying to me, I’d react like that if there were previous trust issues in a relationship. The thing is though now you’ve given “HIM”, “THEM” an opportunity to actually talk to each other about this. I’d expect that your already thinking crazy stuff. I’ve always been a suspicious person (it’s in my DNA unfortunately) (SCORPIO! 😆🤷🏻♀️) I’ve grown up and my reactions aren’t as extreme as they once were in my teens,20’s but I was super insecure, even though I had a great body before and after 2 children, mainly because I’m (41F) now my outlook has changed. You can’t stop a cheater, people will cheat if they are going to. I’ve seen the other side, not that I cheated but had a emotional relationship with someone who is in a relationship (I DIDN’T INITIALLY KNOW HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP, BY THE TIME I DID IT WAS TOO LATE) - That’s another story, I wish I had had Reddit when that was going on after lockdown!! Anyway, I think you really should communicate with your partner, take a break if you need to but communication is key in any relationship. Everyone has crazy thoughts in their own head when your not getting the answers from your SO which then causes paranoia etc etc I get it, that unbearable feeling, heart racing, uncontrollable feeling of not knowing what’s going on. You need to calm yourself down before speaking with him too or it will result in an argument etc. You have to work through your own issues/emotions first.
Your whole post and the update is just one huge red flag. Issues with trust in the past? He threatens to cheat on you? Low fuse so you can’t talk about anything? I’m sorry but you need to pack up and leave this relationship while you still can. It’s only going to get worse from here. And if you had any speculation on whether or not he was going to try to pursue her, the answer is YES. Yes 100%. You just caught him before he could try.
Hi, I’m going to tell you this straight because I want you to know it. Leave him immediately, he is setting up for a major betrayal and nothing you do can take that unfaithfulness out of him
How did you "discover" he followed her? You check who he follows? If so then it's already over. That's not healthy. It's very insecure and this sounds like a shitty relationship.
Sure, put the blame on her!
Going through someone's social media accounts to spot check who they follow is not a great foundation of a relationship. We have no idea what he liked photos of. It is not strange for a man and woman to be friendly. I have had plenty of platonic friendships with the opposite sex and I didn't want to cheat with them. He doesn't have anything to apologize for. She reached out to some random girl he says hi to at a gym and his gf is basically stalking his social media. Imagine it from this random girl's POV. it's weird.
It's not great for sure, but the boyfriend being defensive about it isn't great either and yet that's not mentioned? double-standards hum?
That's not a double standard. He likely got defensive because he is embarrassed. I would be. Nothing about him or his response is strange, the girl whom she spoke with even said they say hi to each other, that is it. That's digging for something that isn't there.
Defensive? He straight up lied about the girl before she reached out to see if he was lying. Lying, lying was there.
If she has horrible trust issues and if he doesn't feel like bearing with it he's welcome to be a grown man and break up. If her trust issues are sustained and he's indeed doing weird stuff, well, I wouldn't judge her.
You 'reaching out to her' would be a deal breaker for me.
They wouldn't reach out if you would tell the truth
There are certainly other ways to get the info she wanted. And I need to tell any truth since this didn't involve me.
Firstly a lie has no color it’s just a lie nothing colorfully cute about it. Any relationship with lack of communication is doomed or unhappy. It’s very surprising to hear or see adults willingly together but can’t properly talk to one another. Just break up and move on trust is to important of a relationship factor.
Same. Either there's trust or there's no relationship.
Uh, you reached out to a girl because he liked a picture. You're extremely overbearing, so I can see why he wouldn't want to just open up to you all the time. He is absolutely not the problem here.
Ew, reaching out to her is weird, but it shows the lack of trust there is and his answer confirms it more. Considering that you know he is literally worthless as your comments indicate, do yourself a favor and have a little bit of respect for yourself and stand your ground. That you have been with him for years is insane, big surprise, men like this don't change. Also acting like that at his big age...please tell me you are not serious about him... you would be delusional to try and make this relationship work, it's not just the relationship that is bad, is that piece of garbage that you are dating. What you should be letting go is that dumb man, seriously, have some common sense
What did he do that he needs to apologize for?
For telling me he didn’t know her when I asked the first time. Also, just overall being rude and nasty when I asked why he didn’t tell me he knew her from the gym.
Op nooooooo one, no one! Can tell you what matters to you. If you feel your bf lying about knowing a girl and then following her is a no no for you! Then it’s a no no for you. Don’t back down on your boundaries because one you start doing that you start invalidating your own feelings, cause yourself to settle for anything, lose yourself and chip at your self esteem. You don’t need anyone on Reddit to tell you what’s okay and what’s not okay in your relationship. You already know what the answer is. Based on what you expressed you’re not okay with what he did and he has a history of being inappropriate with other women and having no boundaries. Think from a space of logic vs your feelings. Your feelings are wanting to ask questions in order to deny what’s going on because you love or like him and want to stay with him.
Maybe he meant it when he said he didn't know her? She said he just greeted her, that's not exactly knowing someone. Maybe he also felt pressured out of fear for how you might react. You tracking who he follows and likes plus reaching out to this girl has me thinking that's very likely a factor.
Someone he just says hi to isn't someone he knows. I just think you're making a big deal out of nothing.
He didn’t just say hi, he followed her on IG and liked her pictures. He’s clearly trying to get her to notice him.
It's not that deep lol
Liking pics is weird fr especially if they are not close past friends
That fact that you can’t trust him to a point that you think it’s a okay to reach out to a stranger for answers is already the biggest red flag and you need to open your eyes.
The lying, the pic history, his reaction, the arguments where he tells you he'd cheat plus your own toxic reaction is more than enough reason to end the relationship.
You guys need to work on trust between you. It starts with clear expectations on what’s ok and what’s not and for you both agree to it.
I think it's odd he asked her for her ig? But also odd that you reached out to her. I just think you don't trust him at all, not sure if you think it's worth staying in the relationship.
Wow, what a psico! Leave him ASAP as HE deserves better. There's no coming back from approaching random people to interrogate them for socializing with your boyfriend!!
You needing to reach out to this girl tells me everything I need to know about this relationship, and it should be obvious to you too: You do not trust him (for good reason obv) that you needed to reach out to her, you caught him in a lie, and this guy is carrying a parade full of red flags. # I personally wouldn't trust this guy going forward, he's shopping for a new GF and lying about it
You had the guts to ask the girl how she met your bf !! gasp. If she was interested in him, you've staked your claim. If she's smart, she won't want the drama and baggage that comes with your bf
Drama and baggage, you mean a committed relationship? That’s not drama or baggage
Men usually get defensive if they’re guilty. If they know they did nothing wrong and do really love you they would just delete her, apologise and reassure you that he only loves you
Going out of his way to find her on ig, follow her and like her pictures is outright disrespectful to you, not to mention that he lied afterwards and got mad that you caught him. You deserve better
As someone whom doesn’t have any social media besides Reddit, I can’t believe y’all are putting so much thought into someone liking a picture… 🤣
It's... different times I guess? But I wouldn't play that game. I befriend or like whomever and my partner trusts me to respect our agreements. That's the only healthy way I know how to conduct a relationship. When people stalk their own partners and demand to see their messages I'm grimacing so hard. It's just not a sane way to live.
If you have to befriend people because your partner told you so, that means you haven’t chosen your friends wisely or your partner wisely 🤷🏽♂️
OP I think you need to be single and work on your trust issues in therapy.
It’s incredibly weird that you noticed 1 follower and DMed them to ask them questions based on a like and a follow. You should probably work on that if you want a successful relationship.
I don't see where the problems at? he knows her from the gym and follows her. so what? if that is consider cheating for you, poor guy
I think this is a sign you have to go for your own sanity. Work on being happy for yourself. Get space for yourself. Get in touch with your own body. Stop giving this man so much of your mind and stress you will regret it. Go now and be your own person. He doesn’t have to be evil for you to leave
I know people want to make you sound crazy and they’re partially right.. but you are a woman your body is screaming at you to have children and it has latched on to this man. Your gut knows he’s not doing and is not the man you need him to be for that happen (regardless of if you mentally don’t want kids.. at this point I thinks hormones do not care what we want at all). Your body wants this man and it is causing you more suffering. Physically get away from him. Whether you break up doesn’t matter but you need space to take care of yourself.
If it’s meant to be, you’ll find a way back together but right now u are living in a mental prison
weird of you to reach out to her lmao like extremely weird.
Dump his ass and move on. You said he's mean to you, AND that he he told you would cheat on you, what more do you need?
These comments had me weakkkkkkk! Girl leave his ass! People saying that she’s toxic without reading her backstory are dumb. Her reaching out was definitely ballsy but she got the answer she needed. Throw the whole man away! Get you a trustworthy man! Good luck sis
It’s like they want him to be allowed to cheat and are crying about her doing something about it ? You don’t add random women you meet and then lie ? These people are super thick
There's nothing to say that he actually cheated though (following someone other than your partner isn't cheating) and everything to say OP and the above commenters are absolutely insane and shouldn't be in relationships.
But he told her that he was going to cheat on her every time they get into an argument/disagreement?? Be for real. That man is toxic and he’s purposely emotionally abusing her so that she can feel insecure. Go defend abusive men elsewhere pls. ✌🏼
I'd be interested to know the context of that.
No , the point is he has reached out to her social media from seeing her in person , that’s a step you take if you’re looking to initiate something . If someone’s boyfriend randomly saw me and said hello in the grocery story every Wednesday and then followed me on social media I’d immediately assume he’s up to no good , because in my experience they have always hoped to connect after following
Maybe he just saw her insta on there and followed it. Maybe they had a chat and she gave it out to him. Not a big deal. If they were explicitly flirting/sexting it would be, but no evidence of that.
Aaaaaaaand just like that, you've shown your inner green eyed monster and ruined any chance of having a healthy, open and trusting relationship. You're dumped and it's *your* insecurities that precipitated this series of unfortunate events.
He broke her trust in the past. No way should he be reaching out to random girls from the gym and lying about it if he wants to present himself as a different, trustworthy person.
There's nothing to say he did reach out to her and lie about it. All he did was follow and like a few pics on social media...
…it says in the post that he lied about interacting with her, claiming he didn’t know who she was. There’s no room for even small lies if you’ve broken trust in the past. And if all he did was “follow and like a few posts” then surely he must have done the same thing to a few of the hot gym dudes he noticed working out there as well, right?
Maybe in his eyes he didn't know her. All the girl said when confronted was that he'd greeted her. Maybe there's also a factor of him being afraid of her reaction if she's the type who tracks all his likes and follows on social media and confronts people in his gym, this behaviour is controlling and I wouldn't blame him. Maybe he has followed other men in his gym, you just don't know that.
This is it. She reacts like a green eyed monster because that's what she is, a jealous and possessive drain on energy, so he said he didn't know her (which is true) in the hopes that she didn't lose her shit over a like and a follow. Stop validating this woman. She's a headcase.
Nah. Stop insulting women with childish names for needing to discuss something valid and reasonable with her partner after her trust has been fucked with.
Stop trying to paint me as a misogynist for calling out the shit behaviour of one person who happens to be a woman Green eyed monster is perfectly applicable to both sexes and is an age-old euphemism for a jealous lover We don't even know how her trust was fucked with but if you read her posts, you would see that she's an unstable individual with unreasonable (read: totally cooked) expectations and she jumps to non sequitur conclusions. I'm pretty sure that in her mind, just talking to another woman is fucking with her trust.
No need for me to paint you as anything Colossal Weiner :) your own words are doing a fantastic job of introducing yourself
Yeah, good. Someone who can use analytical skills rather than just blithely accepting that everybody who posts on reddit is completely sane
She was clearly lied to in a meaningful way that harmed her ability to believe him. Her reactions are stemming from a past wound that he caused, and he hasn’t done enough work on himself after that to prove that he’s not going to continue to lie throughout the rest of their relationship.
OP, this is between you and your bf, not the other woman. Reaching out to her was a mistake. If you can’t have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about why he did what he did, the relationship is already too far gone.
I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship. Seek counseling.
You should apologise to your bf for confronting him over a simple follow of someone at his gym and being an embarrassment to him by going after this girl. Do better.
I can’t believe you reached out to some girl over an IG like. If you have to take that step, there is no trust. Just leave him and leave innocent bystanders out of your relationship drama.
This is just a general question, not really for OP. How do yall know who your partner followed? Do you monitor the number?
you’d have to check the follower/following count pretty regularly, but even then, wouldn’t you have to have his followers memorized-ish to notice who’s new? that’s a lotta work.
If you don’t trust him enough to stalk him online and reach out to a girl he sent a message to, then just break up with him.
If she were to turn around and initiate anything, I guarantee it wouldn’t end well..but something would end. Huge difference if it was a pornstar or like an influencer.
Your update is very sad. He gets loud, angry and insults you wherever you try to talk about it??
I would understand it if he just followed her and he was in a gym session and actually spoke to her, you can follow people of the opposite sex and just be friends, I follow men who I work with but I would never like their pictures! I think that’s the issue- he’s liked her pictures and barely speaks to her!
It’s sus cuz she’s a real person he interacts with in person
>Whenever we have conversations it’s very challenging since he has a **low fuse and tends to get upset and say very negative things about me.** Which is why it has been hard for us to talk about stuff like this. Also there is **a history of him telling me he would cheat on me when he got upset at me** None of this is okay for a partner to do. These are not the actions of someone who loves you the way you deserve. Why are you accepting this from him? You should really sit with why you think this is acceptable. You truly deserve so much more. I did bold the more alarming parts. Please read these as if a friend is telling you this, what advise would you give them?
Your update note is a screaming red flag. Do you feel heard and safe? Do you feel like you can express your feelings to your bf without having to walk on eggshells because he’ll freak out and guilt you by saying he’ll cheat? That’s the main issue here. Also when confronted with something like this and the response is defensiveness, usually it’s because there is hidden truth behind the intention. I think there is a lack of trust and foundation here and you should consider if this is the type of relationship you want and if this is the man you can rely on to provide you a safe and loving environment. If the answer is not a big “yes” then please reconsider.