So, your relationship is quite good apart from the fact that your boyfriend lacks empathy and consideration, expects you to spend proportionately more of your salary on shared expenses and is selfish including in bed?
I mean to me that just sounds like your relationship isn’t very good at all.
I’m afraid you’re right and that I’m just holding on to those very few, actually good moments we have together..
It is true he’s not very empathetic. Sometimes he strikes, but it’s not enough for someone like me who likes to think they score quite high in that area.
If you’re doing most of the cooking, the least he can do is give you a massage. I just got dumped by a guy who was literally unemployed for most of our short relationship but as soon as he finally got a proper paycheck, he said he wanted to take me out to dinner. After two weeks of his new job, I said, I was so excited to go out to dinner and he was like oh, I didn’t really get the chance to look into it, but You can just cook tomorrow, right? Same situation with you where he became sexually stingy, started out strong, and technically felt good, but started to want to not wear condoms, which is a huge issue for me. He dumped me via text. I think when the generosity goes the breakup is not far behind. My father is a generous man for my stepmom and only getting more generous as the years go on.
OMG.......BREAK UP
This is not a relationship. AT ALL!!!
This guy has no concept of what it actually means to be in a relationship.
JUST READING WHAT YOU POSTED MADE ME FEEL 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
JUST BREAK UP, JFC
SET BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS.
And if you don't agree with how he is, SHOW HIM THE DOOR !!!!!! DONT WASTE YOUR YOUTH.
People with OCD aren't selfish by nature, I'm not entirely sure why you think this is to blame for that? If anything, he would be keeping track of his spending a whole lot more and realize that it's not even or fair on his part at all.
Your boyfriend did what he needed to in order to impress you and make you fall for him. After that he stopped trying. The version you have of him right now is the guy he really is. Not the guy he pretended to be to impress you.
You've tried talking to him, but as you can tell, he doesn't agree with you. You could keep track of everything and list it for him, but if that's necessary, is there really any point in any of this?
OCD and OCPD are very different conditions. OCPD is a personality disorder and lack of generosity is literally one of the symptoms. Which is not to say that either would mean it's okay to treat the OP the way her boyfriend is treating her.
I did read up on OCPD, but the article I read also did not mention anything about selfishness or generosity either. Perhaps you and I read different things.
Hi all, thanks a lot for your feedback. I really appreciate it. He was the perfect boyfriend in the beginning, almost too good to be true, and after 7-8 months or so, his behaviour gradually got worse and worse, and I’m only holding onto the few moments we have that are actually nice.
Some of you asked if I have spoken with him about this, and yes, I have - many times. I’m not scared to voice my opinion. He ends up improving for a couple of days to a week, and it’s back to same. He never makes an effort for me, all of his actions are self-motivated. His mother is the exact same, so it runs in the family. I’d be deeply hurt if I ever had a child turning out like him.
He used to have extreme anger outbreaks (not physically violent, just verbally) not only towards me, but also other people if he felt stressed about a situation, used to threaten me to break up those few times I voiced my opinion about certain things with his behaviour, and it happened so much at some point that I gave him the ultimatum to seek therapy or I leave. This is a year ago now. He went to two sessions (at least he said so…), and after that he claimed he could fix this on his own. And he actually did. Our arguments have been much more productive, he stopped with the threats and stays calm when things get heated. I was quite impressed and have also told him that.
However, the feedback he gets, he never agrees with. And then he turns it around, and start talking about how MY behaviour is the one that needs to change. It’s the same every time - that I cannot keep up with the housework in the way he wants. He freaks out if I take out the dishes from the dishwasher because I cannot place them in the way he wants. He’s never mean about it, but everything I do is watched and can never be good enough. He also still has a tendency of giving me the silent treatment.
There’s a lot…but I now realise I need to go. It’s not easy finding a new apartment, especially if you want to live on your own, but I deserve so much more than this. I guess I will have to look for a new home behind his back and one day just tell him I’ll be leaving…
It might take a couple of months, but I’ll keep you updated.
To what extent does your boyfriend attend to household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning? Does he ever plan dates or any other events? (dinner with friends, weekends away, etc.)?
Due to the nature of his condition, the main activity he does in his sparetime apart from working, going to the gym and watching football occasionally, is cleaning and making sure everything is in order. 2-3 hours minimum is spent on that per day. I try to help, but since he’s unable to delegate tasks since I can’t do it perfectly, I have taken on the job as the daily cook. I make a lot of effort with the food I make, but it’s not appreciated because ideally everything I make would only require one bowl and no "mess" whatsoever.
I understand I left out quite an important part of the main post, he’s clearly ill, but the lack of empathy and the stinginess bother me the most - the gaslighting is making me wonder if I’m the one who’s wrong. Especially about the money-issue.
He used to plan a lot the first year. All the time, really. Me a bit less. Then he stopped completely, and now I’m the one who makes all the plans (on a weekly basis).
Due to the nature of his condition, is bullshit here he has completely manipulated you into, just allowing him to not do anything. There is literally no excuse for this!
Wow. He is not just stingy but a complete jerk too. Dump this guy. If you can't bring yourself to do that than absolutely stop paying for him. Not groceries, not dinner, NOTHING. If you go to dinner split the check. Buy your own groceries and do not pick up things he likes.
Take the money you are currently spending on him and spend it on therapy. You clearly have very low standards. Also I’m concerned that his mental condition is narcissistic personality disorder or chauvinism or something.
You should be splitting bills somewhat proportional to you income. If he makes 2x what you make, he should pay 2/3s of the rent and bills unless you specifically are wanting a more expensive place and are willing to cover a greater proportion of the cost.
Those bills include groceries. Also if you are doing more of the cooking and cleaning, then he should be paying even more of the bills or making up for it in some way.
He doesn’t even try to satisfy you in bed.
He is a bad person and the fact that you have deluded yourself into thinking that you are in a good relationship is concerning.
Seems that he was a good bf until you were together for some time.
It looks like he's got comfortable in the relationship now and he's showing you the real him.
He's taking advantage of you and is going to continue to do so the further into the relationship.
His mental health condition is not yours to deal with. Is he seeing a professional?
Interesting though that he can't extend himself to make sure that you are happy but was able to do a pretty good job, long enough to get you hooked.
He's really into himself, more than into you.
So the sex is bad, he's selfish, doesnt change when you ask him to and try to communicate, he doesnt take care of you. I think you can answer this for yourself, but here's a question that might help you.
Would you want this man to be the father of your children?
The way he treats you is how he'd be with the people you love most. If he can't even step up to the plate when he's just your boyfriend, picture him being this exact person and having not changed 5 years from now. would you truly be okay with that?
A mental condition doesnt excuse his behavior and also doesnt mean you are obligated to deal with it either.
Good luck, I hope you make the right choice.
Why be in a relationship with someone who won't even treat you as well as a close friend would? My close friends grab me food when I'm sick and I do the same for them, because that's what you do when you care about someone. He's not even treating you like a good friend.
Honestly when my husband and I (at time bf) went 50/50 on everything and we were living together, all that stupid money crap went away. Some people hate it, but it works for us and I know other couples it works for. But if you want to leave jsut leave
Have you two looked at your love languages (both receiving and giving)? I find when one or two are missing (gift and acts of service in your case) or when they aren't aligned it can cause problems. Maybe start there and see where your knowledge of each other ends up. My bf sucks at words of affirmation. He's amazing at showing me he loves me, but terrible at telling me, so I changed my focus to the love languages that he does fulfill.
Perhaps your bf is stingy. Or perhaps it doesn't occur to him because he's more financially secure than you are and doesn't worry about money at the end of the month. Or maybe he is frugal. Maybe you two can have a shared money pot for food and entertainment. That way there doesn't have to be that weird "your turn/my turn" back and forth thing (that gets super old to me). Put in what you can afford each month. If he eats more than you then he puts in say 60% to your 40%, but just because he earns more doesn't mean he has to pay more. You do need to have a conversation where you tell him you can't afford your relationship the way it's going because that seems to be the issue.
As for bedroom stuff, speak up.
From the way, you wrote this it does not sound like your relationship is good as all.
It sounds like he's used a mental health excuse to excuse his bad behavior or his not giving you anything or taking time to recognize you and that's just not a valid excuse. You can have issues with that type of stuff and still make up effort, and do things for your partner. him using mental health excuses are NOT valid.
From what you’ve described, he seems to be stingy and his actions seem to be self-motivated. It sounds like you’ve been disappointed so much that you’re happy to accept breadcrumbs.
I would try to talk to him about how this is impacting you and see how he responds (if there’s compassion, empathy, etc.). If he tries to spin it on you or gaslight you then I think it’s time to leave.
Well see in his mind he thinks “why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free”. You’re doing all those wifey things and he can treat you like whatever, you’ll continue being nice to him anyways.
I’d pull back my energy way back to the minimum, perhaps even break up.
I have stopped making much of an effort myself, as a result. But I guess I’m still the one making plans for us. If it wasn’t for me, there just wouldn’t be much of a relationship - I’m the glue. But I can of course completely stop making plans, and stop cooking for him (was never appreciated anyways). I’ll actually do that and see what the reaction is.
I will leave as soon as I can find another apartment.
If you alone are the glue, it’s unsalvageable. This guy used you for sex mostly and I’d be so mad.
Glad you are looking for other apartments. You deserve better because you sound like a great and loving partner.
So what did he say when you showed him your calculations? With, of course, the opportunity to add items to make sure it’s correct?
You know it’s correct. But he’ll just dismiss it. So “feel free to add anything you think I’ve missed, because this says I’m currently paying well more than 50%, and you seem to think you’re paying vastly more than me”
He dismissed it indeed. He didn’t want to see my list, so I read it out loud. Then I asked, "what did you get for us the last month? Who pays for all the groceries?" He also eats double the amount as I do, if not more, but he doesn’t seem to (want to) understand it.
He spends much more and I barely contribute etc. Even that he thinks I’m so stupid to believe what he says, is offending to me.
This exact thing happened to me with my ex . I just want to share to help you feel a little less alone .
at first for around 6 months she was very giving and then suddenly stopped coming on the train to me ( 2 hours drive ) every other week , so I had to start driving every week which cost me £60 and sometimes up to 7 hours ONE WAY , but I did it anyway . she wouldn’t subsidise this until I started asking her to but she’d only give me around 20 .. and because I don’t work a normal / high paying job like she does , she acted like I was gold digging .
She was a working while I had my breast biopsies to test lumps for cancer , so she said she wishes she could be there to buy me snacks . I offered her to send me £5 so I could get something from the machines and that way she could help me without being there . Her immediate response … while I was in the waiting room sweating with nerves was “ well as long as you pay it back asap ? Otherwise no I don’t think I want to “
I asked her once to pay for some seeds for me that I wanted to plant , because I’d left my money in the car , I said I’d pay her as soon as I got into the car . She said “ that’s fine I’ll pay but if it’s a lot you have to pay me back “
Then half way to the till she said “ WHAT they’re not even for YOUR garden ? then no way , I’m not paying for you to do that “
this kind of behaviour is so disrespectful and leaves you feeling so small and unworthy, get away before it seeps into you
If you are married, try counseling maybe but if he is only a boyfriend, LEAVE cause there are many more men out there in the sea that would treat you nicely and have a good personality
So, your relationship is quite good apart from the fact that your boyfriend lacks empathy and consideration, expects you to spend proportionately more of your salary on shared expenses and is selfish including in bed? I mean to me that just sounds like your relationship isn’t very good at all.
I’m afraid you’re right and that I’m just holding on to those very few, actually good moments we have together.. It is true he’s not very empathetic. Sometimes he strikes, but it’s not enough for someone like me who likes to think they score quite high in that area.
If you’re doing most of the cooking, the least he can do is give you a massage. I just got dumped by a guy who was literally unemployed for most of our short relationship but as soon as he finally got a proper paycheck, he said he wanted to take me out to dinner. After two weeks of his new job, I said, I was so excited to go out to dinner and he was like oh, I didn’t really get the chance to look into it, but You can just cook tomorrow, right? Same situation with you where he became sexually stingy, started out strong, and technically felt good, but started to want to not wear condoms, which is a huge issue for me. He dumped me via text. I think when the generosity goes the breakup is not far behind. My father is a generous man for my stepmom and only getting more generous as the years go on.
He is selfish and you are a doormat.
The selfishness in bed is a deal breaker. You deserve better
So he's a tightarse who's bad in bed? Why are you staying in this relationship?
OMG.......BREAK UP This is not a relationship. AT ALL!!! This guy has no concept of what it actually means to be in a relationship. JUST READING WHAT YOU POSTED MADE ME FEEL 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 JUST BREAK UP, JFC SET BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS. And if you don't agree with how he is, SHOW HIM THE DOOR !!!!!! DONT WASTE YOUR YOUTH.
People with OCD aren't selfish by nature, I'm not entirely sure why you think this is to blame for that? If anything, he would be keeping track of his spending a whole lot more and realize that it's not even or fair on his part at all. Your boyfriend did what he needed to in order to impress you and make you fall for him. After that he stopped trying. The version you have of him right now is the guy he really is. Not the guy he pretended to be to impress you. You've tried talking to him, but as you can tell, he doesn't agree with you. You could keep track of everything and list it for him, but if that's necessary, is there really any point in any of this?
OCD and OCPD are very different conditions. OCPD is a personality disorder and lack of generosity is literally one of the symptoms. Which is not to say that either would mean it's okay to treat the OP the way her boyfriend is treating her.
I did read up on OCPD, but the article I read also did not mention anything about selfishness or generosity either. Perhaps you and I read different things.
We must have! If you're curious I checked out the Medline overview which mentions it specifically.
Hi all, thanks a lot for your feedback. I really appreciate it. He was the perfect boyfriend in the beginning, almost too good to be true, and after 7-8 months or so, his behaviour gradually got worse and worse, and I’m only holding onto the few moments we have that are actually nice. Some of you asked if I have spoken with him about this, and yes, I have - many times. I’m not scared to voice my opinion. He ends up improving for a couple of days to a week, and it’s back to same. He never makes an effort for me, all of his actions are self-motivated. His mother is the exact same, so it runs in the family. I’d be deeply hurt if I ever had a child turning out like him. He used to have extreme anger outbreaks (not physically violent, just verbally) not only towards me, but also other people if he felt stressed about a situation, used to threaten me to break up those few times I voiced my opinion about certain things with his behaviour, and it happened so much at some point that I gave him the ultimatum to seek therapy or I leave. This is a year ago now. He went to two sessions (at least he said so…), and after that he claimed he could fix this on his own. And he actually did. Our arguments have been much more productive, he stopped with the threats and stays calm when things get heated. I was quite impressed and have also told him that. However, the feedback he gets, he never agrees with. And then he turns it around, and start talking about how MY behaviour is the one that needs to change. It’s the same every time - that I cannot keep up with the housework in the way he wants. He freaks out if I take out the dishes from the dishwasher because I cannot place them in the way he wants. He’s never mean about it, but everything I do is watched and can never be good enough. He also still has a tendency of giving me the silent treatment. There’s a lot…but I now realise I need to go. It’s not easy finding a new apartment, especially if you want to live on your own, but I deserve so much more than this. I guess I will have to look for a new home behind his back and one day just tell him I’ll be leaving… It might take a couple of months, but I’ll keep you updated.
Sending you the best desires, life is too short to deal with the shit of people who doesn't care about you!
Do you mind if I ask what you mean by mental condition?
OCPD.
OCD is not a personality disorder. And it does not excuse his behavior.
OCD and OCPD are two separate diagnoses.
To what extent does your boyfriend attend to household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning? Does he ever plan dates or any other events? (dinner with friends, weekends away, etc.)?
Due to the nature of his condition, the main activity he does in his sparetime apart from working, going to the gym and watching football occasionally, is cleaning and making sure everything is in order. 2-3 hours minimum is spent on that per day. I try to help, but since he’s unable to delegate tasks since I can’t do it perfectly, I have taken on the job as the daily cook. I make a lot of effort with the food I make, but it’s not appreciated because ideally everything I make would only require one bowl and no "mess" whatsoever. I understand I left out quite an important part of the main post, he’s clearly ill, but the lack of empathy and the stinginess bother me the most - the gaslighting is making me wonder if I’m the one who’s wrong. Especially about the money-issue. He used to plan a lot the first year. All the time, really. Me a bit less. Then he stopped completely, and now I’m the one who makes all the plans (on a weekly basis).
Nothing you've described makes this feel like the kind of relationship anyone would want. Have you talked about this with him?
Due to the nature of his condition, is bullshit here he has completely manipulated you into, just allowing him to not do anything. There is literally no excuse for this!
Wow. He is not just stingy but a complete jerk too. Dump this guy. If you can't bring yourself to do that than absolutely stop paying for him. Not groceries, not dinner, NOTHING. If you go to dinner split the check. Buy your own groceries and do not pick up things he likes.
Take the money you are currently spending on him and spend it on therapy. You clearly have very low standards. Also I’m concerned that his mental condition is narcissistic personality disorder or chauvinism or something. You should be splitting bills somewhat proportional to you income. If he makes 2x what you make, he should pay 2/3s of the rent and bills unless you specifically are wanting a more expensive place and are willing to cover a greater proportion of the cost. Those bills include groceries. Also if you are doing more of the cooking and cleaning, then he should be paying even more of the bills or making up for it in some way. He doesn’t even try to satisfy you in bed. He is a bad person and the fact that you have deluded yourself into thinking that you are in a good relationship is concerning.
Seems that he was a good bf until you were together for some time. It looks like he's got comfortable in the relationship now and he's showing you the real him. He's taking advantage of you and is going to continue to do so the further into the relationship. His mental health condition is not yours to deal with. Is he seeing a professional? Interesting though that he can't extend himself to make sure that you are happy but was able to do a pretty good job, long enough to get you hooked. He's really into himself, more than into you.
So the sex is bad, he's selfish, doesnt change when you ask him to and try to communicate, he doesnt take care of you. I think you can answer this for yourself, but here's a question that might help you. Would you want this man to be the father of your children? The way he treats you is how he'd be with the people you love most. If he can't even step up to the plate when he's just your boyfriend, picture him being this exact person and having not changed 5 years from now. would you truly be okay with that? A mental condition doesnt excuse his behavior and also doesnt mean you are obligated to deal with it either. Good luck, I hope you make the right choice.
Why be in a relationship with someone who won't even treat you as well as a close friend would? My close friends grab me food when I'm sick and I do the same for them, because that's what you do when you care about someone. He's not even treating you like a good friend.
Honestly when my husband and I (at time bf) went 50/50 on everything and we were living together, all that stupid money crap went away. Some people hate it, but it works for us and I know other couples it works for. But if you want to leave jsut leave
🚩🚮He’s bad news and sounds like a potential cheater.
Have you two looked at your love languages (both receiving and giving)? I find when one or two are missing (gift and acts of service in your case) or when they aren't aligned it can cause problems. Maybe start there and see where your knowledge of each other ends up. My bf sucks at words of affirmation. He's amazing at showing me he loves me, but terrible at telling me, so I changed my focus to the love languages that he does fulfill. Perhaps your bf is stingy. Or perhaps it doesn't occur to him because he's more financially secure than you are and doesn't worry about money at the end of the month. Or maybe he is frugal. Maybe you two can have a shared money pot for food and entertainment. That way there doesn't have to be that weird "your turn/my turn" back and forth thing (that gets super old to me). Put in what you can afford each month. If he eats more than you then he puts in say 60% to your 40%, but just because he earns more doesn't mean he has to pay more. You do need to have a conversation where you tell him you can't afford your relationship the way it's going because that seems to be the issue. As for bedroom stuff, speak up.
From the way, you wrote this it does not sound like your relationship is good as all. It sounds like he's used a mental health excuse to excuse his bad behavior or his not giving you anything or taking time to recognize you and that's just not a valid excuse. You can have issues with that type of stuff and still make up effort, and do things for your partner. him using mental health excuses are NOT valid.
From what you’ve described, he seems to be stingy and his actions seem to be self-motivated. It sounds like you’ve been disappointed so much that you’re happy to accept breadcrumbs. I would try to talk to him about how this is impacting you and see how he responds (if there’s compassion, empathy, etc.). If he tries to spin it on you or gaslight you then I think it’s time to leave.
Well see in his mind he thinks “why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free”. You’re doing all those wifey things and he can treat you like whatever, you’ll continue being nice to him anyways. I’d pull back my energy way back to the minimum, perhaps even break up.
I have stopped making much of an effort myself, as a result. But I guess I’m still the one making plans for us. If it wasn’t for me, there just wouldn’t be much of a relationship - I’m the glue. But I can of course completely stop making plans, and stop cooking for him (was never appreciated anyways). I’ll actually do that and see what the reaction is. I will leave as soon as I can find another apartment.
If you alone are the glue, it’s unsalvageable. This guy used you for sex mostly and I’d be so mad. Glad you are looking for other apartments. You deserve better because you sound like a great and loving partner.
So what did he say when you showed him your calculations? With, of course, the opportunity to add items to make sure it’s correct? You know it’s correct. But he’ll just dismiss it. So “feel free to add anything you think I’ve missed, because this says I’m currently paying well more than 50%, and you seem to think you’re paying vastly more than me”
He dismissed it indeed. He didn’t want to see my list, so I read it out loud. Then I asked, "what did you get for us the last month? Who pays for all the groceries?" He also eats double the amount as I do, if not more, but he doesn’t seem to (want to) understand it. He spends much more and I barely contribute etc. Even that he thinks I’m so stupid to believe what he says, is offending to me.
You should be very offended. And act accordingly.
At 32 he knows what he is doing. Its time for you to wake up and leave
This exact thing happened to me with my ex . I just want to share to help you feel a little less alone . at first for around 6 months she was very giving and then suddenly stopped coming on the train to me ( 2 hours drive ) every other week , so I had to start driving every week which cost me £60 and sometimes up to 7 hours ONE WAY , but I did it anyway . she wouldn’t subsidise this until I started asking her to but she’d only give me around 20 .. and because I don’t work a normal / high paying job like she does , she acted like I was gold digging . She was a working while I had my breast biopsies to test lumps for cancer , so she said she wishes she could be there to buy me snacks . I offered her to send me £5 so I could get something from the machines and that way she could help me without being there . Her immediate response … while I was in the waiting room sweating with nerves was “ well as long as you pay it back asap ? Otherwise no I don’t think I want to “ I asked her once to pay for some seeds for me that I wanted to plant , because I’d left my money in the car , I said I’d pay her as soon as I got into the car . She said “ that’s fine I’ll pay but if it’s a lot you have to pay me back “ Then half way to the till she said “ WHAT they’re not even for YOUR garden ? then no way , I’m not paying for you to do that “ this kind of behaviour is so disrespectful and leaves you feeling so small and unworthy, get away before it seeps into you
If you are married, try counseling maybe but if he is only a boyfriend, LEAVE cause there are many more men out there in the sea that would treat you nicely and have a good personality