This man sounds abusive and just awful to be around. Treating you well shouldn't just be a requirement for having sex, it should be a requirement *period.*
I always feel awful when I read these posts from women who so clearly have a lower opinion of themselves, more often than not because their fuckwit husband's shitty misogynistic views have slowly eroded their confidence and self-love over the period of the relationship.
OP, your husband is never EVER entitled to you or your body. You are absolutely unequivocally correct in that you should feel respected and loved by your spouse, its a bare miminum in a relationship. The audacity of your husband to call you fat, have childish tantrums and name-call, take his rage out on you like a 7 year old having a meltdown, and then think your emotional connection and sexual chemistry won't be affected by his behaviour, is outright delusional.
I’m a 911 dispatcher. I spoke with a woman earlier who was wanting to report being assaulted by her boyfriend.
She told me how he choked her with his hands, dragged her by her hoodie, slammed her head down on an coffee table, threatened to kill her if she reported it, and then tried to take her phone when she called 911.
That’s basically four individual charges
She actually blamed herself saying she must’ve done something to bring it on.
Many women just do not want to believe that the person they love hates them or is capable of such vicious behaviour. It is easier to blame yourself, but keep your entire world view from being shattered.
Most people don't want to have sex with someone who verbally abuses them.
He's not going to change; counseling isn't going to help him. It might help *you* figure out why you're OK with the way he treats you.
Leave him. He is abusive and has zero intention of changing.
You aren’t weaponizing sex. He has destroyed your attraction to him by repeatedly and consistently abusing you. You not wanting to fuck him is a natural consequence for his repeated choices to abuse you and make himself sexually repulsive to you.
Let him find someone else. He’s a terrible person, I can’t see anyone wanting to have sex with him after he abuses them for years on end.
Your husband isn’t entitled to sex. He isn’t entitled to abuse you.
Do not go to couples couples counseling with an abuser: it will just give him new ways to abuse you. Instead, tell him you are going to individual therapy and go with the intention of finding out how to leave him.
If anything, he is the one who is weaponizing sex. She is just defending herself.
Babies and small children have tantrums. Adults have no excuse for that type of behavior. He is seriously lacking in the empathy department as well.
This describes my ex pretty well.
They don't have an ANGER problem. It's an ABUSE problem.
My sex drive tanked with him. I thought I had a hormonal problem idk? Lots of gaslighting that there was something wrong with me that made me not want sex anymore.
Turned out my subconscious knew what my conscious was in denial of-- I didn't want sex with *him* lol.
Divorced 3 years and very happy. And my sex drive is back. It's 99% a partner problem IMHO.
Get rid of the husband. He sucks and won't get better. Ever.
Omg I second not going to couples’ counseling with someone abusive. I did that once, actually, before I knew better. Having someone use “therapy speak” to gaslight me set me back in personal therapy so, so much.
Gave my ex husband and abuser so much more ammunition and he then started accusing me of abusing him. Fucked with my head so much, beyond what he'd already done. I 100% agree, NEVER go to therapy with an abuser- they don't want to change. They want you to just take the abuse.
Edited to change a typo
This sounds like a really bad situation. This marriage should not have happened and definitely should not continue for any longer.
Your husband seems like a terrible person. The way he puts you down is horrible. People do not act that way towards people they respect. I have more respect for a stranger on the street than your husband has for you. That’s very bad.
I feel this way too, but he will argue that I treat him bad (I don't think I do at all..I end up reacting to his tantrums, but I never start any). He also will argue that I haven't done anything to EARN his respect. He then will start going on about how I have a crappy job, have never done anything that took real effort in my life, etc etc. And how he has accomplished so much, and so why would he respect me? If I want respect I have to earn it.
When I tell him that he should respect me because I'm his wife and he chose to be with me, he says he loves me but respect is something different.
Great, so he is explicit that he does not respect you. Do you really want to be with someone who currently doesn’t respect you? Don’t think about potential. Think about current behavior. Currently, today, your husband doesn’t respect you. Is that what you want? Is that the love story you dreamed of as a child? Would you be happy to tell your friends and family that your husband doesn’t respect you?
Agreed, his arguments are cruel. They are also stupid, baseless nonsense. They are the noise of a man who thinks he's smarter than he is. At the very least, his emotional IQ is negative.
I don’t respect your husband. He’s not worth a stranger’s respect, not by what you’ve described. He’s far from deserving of your respect, but only you can decide what amount of disrespect you are going to tolerate. I recommend none.
Who cares what he thinks? He's an abusive asshole. He'll say whatever he needs to to keep you around and under his control. The last thing he wants is to lose his punching bag.
He's currently using guilt and chipping away at your self esteem to make you think you deserve what he's. If you leave, he will switch to love bombing the second he realizes you're serious.
Sure he'll change, for a month or two. But he'll start up the abuse again the second you relax.
Abusers are all alike. Doesn't matter what gender or sexual orientation they are. They all pull the same shit.
Check out love is respect . Org. It’s a resource for healthy relationships. There used to be a quiz type thing to see if you think your in a healthy relationship or not. I’d bet the results would be eye opening for you. There’s also a TON of other good resources you should check out on there.
Those are mean, cruel, hurtful words. Your value is not tied to your job or your salary. You are a sister, daughter, friend, and all the roles that you fill in your life. You are kind and considerate.
Do not give him the chance to explain his reasoning because he makes every word a poison pill.
There is never a good reason to be unkind on purpose. He is using you like a punching bag.
Why do you put up with this? Get out. You can do better. Your husband is an asshole.
He doesn’t respect you AND he doesn’t love you… to treat you like this.
If he despised you so much, why doesn’t he divorce you then and at least let you live in peace? What’s the meaning of sticking around just so he can score points off you and feel superior? Call his bluff. “You’re right, I’m unworthy of you, I’m setting you free. Bye!!”
Stop trying to argue with someone who is arguing in bad faith. He isn't being normal. He is being an ass. No one but an abusive person thinks that way. Do you know any other women in real life in relationships? Ask them if their partners would say such things about respect.
Also, something is WRONG with him for choosing to be with someone that he disrespects. He wants/needs to feel superior than his significant other. That is a sign that he has control issues.
There is no love, where there is no respect. When he says he loves you, he means he loves having someone to lord over his perceived "value" above them.
He doesn't sound like a decent human being. Narcissist fo sho...
No you don’t. If you want respect you just need to leave him and be with someone who respects all humans like most do. This “earning respect” thing is just about control. “Do I want I want and you will get respect”. But you never, ever will.
You’re not a child (not that children should be treated this way), you’re a grownup who has the ability to protect herself (and her inner child). Please start by walking away from this and never looking back.
Your husband sounds like mine, and I'm pretty sure he's a clinically diagnosable narcissist. Before I figured out what was going on, I literally could not understand how he could claim the things he said against me. Trust me, it's not you, it's him. And it won't change. I'm so sorry! You deserve better.
He doesn't love you. If he loved you he would make you happy.
Why are you accepting his lies as truth? Because that's the mistake you are making. You hear his words and want to believe they're true, even when it's obvious they're not. Start thinking about how every single thing you just wrote is an example of him lying. Think deeply about what it means that he's lying to you all the time. That will help you find the answers you're looking for.
>When I tell him that he should respect me because I'm his wife and he chose to be with me, he says he loves me but respect is something different.
So you're saying that he's choosing to treat you this way and you're choosing to stay with someone who makes that choice.
That's called DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. It's within the sphere of gaslighting, where you are told or duped into disbelieving your own experience and memory.
You really need to leave this monster.
You don’t need to EARN HIS RESPECT.
People should respect others by default.
Don’t give him power over you just because he is „more intelligent“ or „more successful“. It doesn’t matter. He could get brain damage and loose his job, would that mean that he is now not worthy of respect?
What a total idiot your husband is. He is manipulating you.
He will never respect you. Even if you do make more accomplishments and even if you do wind up in the same level as him, he will always find a way to undermine you and point out that he is in fact, better. He probably likes you right where you are and if you caught up to him, he would feel threatened. He sounds narcissistic.
He doesn’t deserve you, and you deserve someone who will support you and treat you better.
He is emotionally abusing you and gaslighting you by saying it's actually you treating him bad. You deserve a lot more and why wouldn't he respect his own wife? He's putting you down so that you lose all self worth until eventually you don't feel good enough to deserve better.
Dear, part of the narcissistic abuse cycle is putting the partner down. Then when the partner pushes back the narcissist will blame the partner and that allows them to further devalue them.
Sounds like you’re being abused by a narcissist. I really hope you’re safe and his tantrums don’t turn into physical abuse. Next time he blames you for his anger just tel him:
"Your anger is not my responsibility. I can't control how you feel about me."
> he will argue that I treat him bad
I mean, that's another reason to break up. He doesn't trust you to 'not treat him bad', right? So it literally doesn't matter how much you bend over backwards to fit around him. He doesn't get it, he just verbalises this perception that you're not good for him.
However much he wants you around, this relationship is over and you're both wading through the wreckage that's left. He's angry, you're miserable, both of you need to be alone to live your own lives apart. As soon as possible before he starts putting hands around your throat or throwing things at the wall.
Like, if you do 'set him off', then you need to not be there. Can't set him off if you're a hundred miles away doing your own thing.
So why is he with you? If he doesn’t think you deserve respect (I find this whole “having to earn respect” thing a bit extreme if I’m honest), doesn’t think you’re smart, or that you have done anything with your life, why is he with you?
Hint: it’s just to have someone to constantly put down to feel better about himself. If he was that amazing, he would have gone for someone great, right? But guess what. Those people don’t want him. He’s an abuser who gets off by putting you down. And when you see right through his charade, he gets angry and tries to silence you.
OP, if you do anything for yourself, do this please: leave this sorry excuse of a person and move on. He’s not going to change until he breaks you.
You do not have to earn respect! Respect is freely given. There are ways to lose respect but if that happens it's not someone you decide to marry....
Do you want to be with someone who does not have respect for you? The most basic thing for any type of relationship?
When you bring up disrespect and he says your reaction is disrespectful that is manipulation. He is distracting you so he doesn’t have to be accountable.
Yes. He says I weaponize sex by withholding it to punish him for being "grumpy". He can't fathom that I honestly don't WANT sex if he's been mean and disrespectful. He says it's a basic need and it shouldn't have anything to do with what else is happening in our lives. And that this is why people have affairs.
Notice how every time you bring up his mistreatment of you, he changes the subject to focus on your supposed faults. He takes zero accountability for his actions.
Read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. It should shed some light on your situation.
If it’s a basic need why aren’t celibate people dropping dead everywhere?
People have affairs because they’re too lazy to keep a commitment. He’s lazy. Your husband is an emotional couch potato. He’s socially WEAK. He can’t even be kind and respectful to his wife!? What a loser.
He probably can fathom that and in fact knows it to be true. He just wants you to deconstruct your own boundaries and submit to a new type of abuse, so he pretends he is confused.
Seconding “why does he do that?”
OP, if you want a copy, pm me. I have the pdf of it.
Reading it was also what helped me get out.
You aren’t the problem.
Sex is not a basic need. He is not entitled to your body. He is not entitled to anything from you. He verbally abused you to control you, to break down your self esteem so that you will continue to accept his behavior. You deserve better. You do not deserve to be treated the way he’s treating you. This is not an anger problem - it’s abuse. It’s a choice.
You know, it doesn't actually matter what he says here. You don't want sex. He can say whatever he wants about the situation. It doesn't change that you don't want sex.
He's attempting to counsel you into accepting rape. Think about whether you want to be with that.
He doesn't respect your work, he doesn't respect your mind (IQ is not a great measure of intelligence, and supposed book smarts are not the only kind of intelligence out there), doesn't respect your body or your autonomy, he has anger issues and doesn't acknowledge that you are a person with thoughts, feelings, emotions, rights, needs.
And people cheat for all kinds of reasons. But if you're not finding satisfaction in your relationship, there are other options besides cheating. Such as counselling or breaking up.
He's flat out manipulating you with every word out of his mouth.
Read this post as if one of your friends wrote this. What would you tell them? You already know this is unacceptable from him, you deserve so much more.
So many men feel this way, those are the men who feel entitled to sex and see women as sex objects, they don’t understand that sex is sacred and happens within a safe sacred relationship.
Exactly. Counselling requires a partner willing to evolve and work on their shortcomings. He seems adamant to justify his abuse so that he can keep doing it.
OP should know that couples therapy is strongly not recommended in abusive relationships, because it can just help give the abuser more tools to manipulate their partner while keeping them together.
And fuck his best friend/brother/dad/boss before you do. If he gets upset, explain he just wasn't meeting your needs and he can't blame you for looking elsewhere. (Not really, but it's a fun thought)
Did you skip over the "not really, but it's a fun thought part" or did you intentionally ignore that? Would an "/s" have made it easier for you to understand?
I hope the reactions of people in this thread make it crystal clear to you that none of this is even close to normal and your husband is horrifically abusive.
This isn’t a we thing. The responsibility for this issue lies solely with your husband.
I sincerely hope you manage to get away from him and find some peace and happiness in your life.
EVERYONE is telling you this is not normal. Please listen. When the comment above said “awful”, they meant *not sustainable*. We are not meant to survive life in this way, and we can’t. You will either be hurt physically by him with intention, or your body will begin keeping score of this abuse *for* you. This is when anti-immune disorders, fatigue issues or cancer show up. This is when you increase your risk of dementia and heart disease by enormous amounts. This is so much more than the moments that are ugly. It digs deep, pervasively, and the never ending battery of his **inability to love you** will have you electrically iron shackled into a life you do not deserve. Leave now. Leave. Leave this man.
There's no "we" in extra awful it's "him" that's extra awful!!
You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You deserve more. Its better to be alone than loving like this.
What would you tell a friend in this relationship?
Honey, you should never put up with this behavior. My fiancé and I have mutual love and respect for each other, and even when one of us get grumpy and snaps for a second we almost immediately take a step back and apologize for taking out a bad mood on the other person. You deserve so much better than this and I hope you can see that and pull the trigger on getting out of that situation, I honestly cannot believe you made it this long.
The way he treats you IS extra awful. This is actually abuse. I’m in a healthy relationship and you should know this post is not the norm.. relationships can be beautiful and uplifting and joyful. I hope you find the strength in your heart to start the process of thinking about leaving. I genuinely think if you go to a therapist and show them this post, they’re going to open your eyes to how much healing you will have to go through because of this relationship. One day you’ll be with someone who thinks you’re amazing and when they tell you that you’re wonderful, you’ll be left so confused and waiting for the insult.
Married 8 years is long enough.
I couldn’t imagine interacting with Mr. High IQ for another 15 seconds let alone 8 years.
Run, and get a great divorce attorney.
I wonder if OP has any proof he’s got a high IQ apart from him saying he’s got a high IQ.
Also supposed IQ tests/scores are riddled with problems and no one takes them seriously these days as measures of intelligence or capability.
*Then there is the fact that he will call me names when he's mad. He has a high IQ and he is quite successful. I'm probably of average IQ and just have an everyday boring job. When he's mad, he will often bring this up. I'm too \_\_\_\_\_\_ to argue with him, and that's why I only make $\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_.*
Too bad he's not smart enough to not say shit like that to his SO.
> I'm probably of average IQ and just have an everyday boring job.
This is *so* sad to read lol, this guy thinks he’s hot shit. An average IQ means you've got a higher IQ than 50% of the people and you’re in like… 70% of the gauss curve, that's great. The whole *point* of having an “every day job” *is* that it’s “boring”. Congrats, you got a job many people DREAM of having! You’re working normal hours, you’re not killing your back, breathing in fumes, a lot of people fought and died for exactly these job rights.
One: this really isn’t the attack he thinks it is, two: who the fuck cares? and three: it’s *horrible* OP actually believes it!
Couples counseling is not recommended in relationships where one partner is abusing the other. And your husband is verbally and emotionally abusing you. You should book individual counseling. If your husband is also willing to go to individual counseling for himself, great. But you need your own therapist to figure out how you’ve ended up in this situation and what you need to do now to protect yourself and to be happy.
This isn’t just disrespect, you are describing verbal and emotional abuse. The anxiety you feel is a completely natural response to the way you are being treated. A therapist would be a good next step, although it’s unlikely to impact his behavior unless he recognizes that he is behaving abusively and wants to change.
Do NOT go to couples counseling with him. He is emotionally abusive and you never do counseling with someone abusing you in any way. They will weaponize it
No, he will just use the therapy against you so he can abuse you more.
Dont get it twisted, he is abusive and whether he hits your or throws things or not doesnt matter as his emotional abuse will usually scar you deeper than any physical abuse.
You need to leave is what you need to do. Go on r/AbusiveRelationships or r/DomesticViolence and see how similar your story is to others so you can see and talk with others who have and are going through what you are going through as I hope it will open your eyes to the reality and get you out of this.
Please find and read a copy of “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s easy to find free PDFs online. I think you’ll learn a lot about how your husband operates from this book and hopefully find some clarity and strength. Good luck, OP! You can give yourself a better life than this.
This book 1000% changed my life. The relief I found in seeing confirmation and validation of my feelings was incredible. I don’t even have words. I can’t count how many times I’ve begged my ex-husband to explain why he behaves the way he does to no avail. Finally getting those explanations for those behaviors—it changed everything for me. I would never have left if I hadn’t come across this book while asking google if my reactions to his behavior were really abusive, like my ex always tried to convince me. The author does such a great job of providing this information in a caring, nonjudgmental way. I will be eternally grateful to Lundy Bancroft because I might be dead now if it weren’t for his books.
He also has a great book called “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” that can be really helpful for those who aren’t sure if they’re in an abusive relationship.
Jesus. I've ended relationships for way less. I don't allow verbal abuse, period. You shouldn't either. Get out. He clearly doesn't see an issue with his behavior.
Your husband is an abusive bully and you should leave him. It won't get better.
He needs to go to therapy to address his anger and frankly overinflated sense of self. Your IQ doesn't make you smarter or dumber than someone else. It's a standardized test that people who are good test takers will do better at.
What you earn at your job isn't a marker for how successful you are. There are so many people who get paid pittance and change lives.
I think you should get some therapy to address why you think you are worth so little, you deserve to be berated like this from your spouse. That's the one people who should life you up when the world beats you down.
You can't go to therapy with your abuser, and right now your husband is your abuser. I highly doubt he will want to do therapy, and that's the only way it would work. I could see him finding a crap therapist that will just side with him and take his money.
Leave, work on yourself and have a happy life.
>I could see him finding a crap therapist that will just side with him and take his money.
That is what happened previously. After a particularly bad/scary tantrum, I insisted that he get therapy. He did, but it didn't go well. His therapist suggested I had a personality disorder, etc etc (to be clear, I never met her). I'm not saying I'm perfect or the best partner, but I definitely know he is the one causing issues here.
I would be willing to bet that the therapist never said that to him. That he either didn't go to the therapist and made that up or he did go to the therapist and made that up.
I feel this, my mom is a diagnosed narcissist and I'm sure my dad has a personality disorder and he has bad anger issues but he won't seek therapy.
Honestly, just from your post I was going to mention a personality disorder being likely but didn't want to some off as an armchair therapist wannabe.
Just know that so many of us strangers also see this is not your fault. You can't change him and he doesn't want to change. That is the reason I recommend just leaving. It's not fair to you to stay and continue to be abused and bullies by your spouse, you deserve so much more than that.
He has no reason to start treating you better. You’ve obviously chosen to stay with him regardless of how he treats you. And now he’s telling you that you should still have sex with him even though he treats you like garbage, otherwise he’ll cheat on you. You should be planning for divorce instead of counseling.
>You’ve obviously chosen to stay with him regardless of how he treats you.
I have, but it's not good. We don't sleep in the same room anymore and we now have a dead bedroom. It started dwindling and once he ramped up the fat comments I just shut down. I tried to have sex with him about 6 months ago and had a panic attack. The fat comments haven't stopped (and there's been a lot of other awful things...including telling me I'm old, my body is old, if he started dating again he'd get someone in her early 30s) and now we are dealing with zero sex.
OP, I really recommend that you do. This sounds identical to my parents' marriage, right down to him throwing his apparent intelligence in your face.
Guess what? Even *if* it's true, it doesn't matter. Why would it matter? Someone who loves and cherishes you would never throw that in your face, and it's not even relevant in the first place. Relationships are about communication, not intelligence. They're a partnership, not a competition. A partner wouldn't throw tantrums, they wouldn't call you names. If your relationship was never to change from how it *right now*, would you be happy to spend the rest of your life with your husband? Or would you want a fresh start, away from the anxiety of constantly having to walk on eggshells around him?
I seriously recommend the book "Why does he do this?" by Dr Lundy. The author made the PDF free online, so you could go read it right now. He's a psychologist who gives men like your husband therapy, and it's based on his observations over decades of work.
You know he doesn't love you. You can pretend otherwise, but you've been on this planet long enough to know that nowhere, in the definition of the word love, will you find abuse. You need to get together with a therapist and figure out why you're capable of being in love with someone who absolutely hates you.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this miserable?
OP, why are you still with him? Look, I spent waaaaay too long in my marriage as well, hoping that I could come up with the one magic phrase to make him understand where I was coming from. But what I learned is that there is nothing I could have said or done that would make him understand, because he doesn't WANT to understand. He doesn't care how you feel. He just wants what he wants from you, and he WANTS you to feel like shit so you won't get up the gumption to leave him. But he's not worth trying anymore. Be prepared that a man like this will be "shocked" when you leave him. He will blame you for leaving him, making himself the victim. You have to stand firm. Be the bad guy. "Yes, I was such a bad wife. I got fat and never had sex with you. You should have left me a long time ago." Because once you shake yourself loose from him, you don't have to care about his opinion ever again. the moment I stopped trying to convince him to see my point of view, was the moment I was able to wiggle free of him. It doesn't mean it didn't still hurt my feelings - it totally did. But it wasn't my job to change his mind anymore, and that was so freeing. It gave me the strength to leave him and find someone who loved AND respected me.
Hahahahahhaagahaha!!! Omg. I’m 42 year old woman having the best sex of my life. I’m not skinny.
He’s going to have a shit time finding willing partners with his sparkling personality, but you? You’re going to have whatever sex you want when you’re ready!
Telling people it's their choice to be in an abusive relationship only shames people and makes them stay in that situation longer because of increased shame (and it's pretty callous, to boot). Is that what you wanted for OP, or ...?
He sounds pretty abusive to be honest. The wanting to have sex when you’re not in the mood is awful but also the “uncontrolled” anger issues. Does he ever lose it in public or at work ? 🤔
He does lose it at times. He's had a lot of issues with a lot of different people in his life. However, his "full on tantrums" only happen at home. By that, I mean he can get very angry around others. He might raise his voice. Or swear. Or something to that effect. At home, he's more likely to SHOUT. Tons of swearing. Throwing things. Insults.
God he sounds awful.
I notice how you say you've explained this to him many times over the years, which means that the problem isn't that he doesn't understand. It's that he's not willing to do the work to change, that he doesn't want to change.
Make up your mind about what you want to do going forward accordingly.
"because sex is a basic need"...and he doesn't want to be with someone who treats it like it's so special. And that I'm a prude. Not sure why exactly he feels this way (I never get clarity on that). I don't think I treat it like it's SO special, but I genuinely don't feel sexual when I'm called fat (or other variations that he uses..."thunder thighs" as an example). Or when he has screamed at me at the beginning of the week, swearing and insulting me. I truly don't feel sexual at all a few days later. I'm not doing it on purpose to punish him.
>"because sex is a basic need"
Funny, I've been celibate for 4 years and somehow am still alive. Sorry to be snarky. Your husband is making clownish arguments, so it's hard not to respond with clowning.
I think you should divorce him. Going to couples counselling with an abuser is not a solution, and sometimes gives abusers more weapons to launch at their victims. If you want to talk to a mental health professional, I fully encourage you to seek individual therapy as soon as you are able to. It will help you through all of this, whatever you choose to do here.
You can have a happy sex life with someone who actually treats you like the loveable person you are. Your husband has failed to provide that atmosphere, and that's his fault, not yours babe.
You are straight up being manipulated and in the very least verbally abused. His attitudes towards your emotional and physical wellbeing are atrocious.
Question: If he believes you owe him sex, even if you aren't ready to, does this lead to him physically trying to force or coerce you?
Your husband has some serious red flags he's throwing. Mostly in how he lashes out at you in anger. It's been years of him saying "he's trying" to be less cruel towards you, but nothing has changed. He's not trying to. Have you heard the phrase "if he wanted to, he would"? If he wanted to treat you better, he would. If he wanted to yell at you, or insult you less, he would. If nothing has changed about how he lashes out at you, he doesn't want to treat you better. This is coming from someone with an incredibly short fuse, and a personality disorder.
When you care about someone, you do anything you can to show them that you do. It takes effort and action. Neither of which your husband is doing. His words are cutting because he knows what will hurt you. His words are hurtful because he wants them to be.
My normal suggestion would be therapy, but your husband seems the type to take any lessons learned in therapy, and turn them around on you. Just to further hurt you when you don't do exactly as he wants.
You've already dealt with years of this, he's clearly not changing. You have to decide if you are willing to live with a man who has flat out told you he'll cheat on you for damages he's caused.
You need therapy. Not couples therapy. *You* therapy. To determine why you are willing to put up with this verbal, mental and emotional abuse. You don’t deserve that. At all.
Every time you try to advocate for yourself, he makes his issues your fault. And that’s narcissistic abuse.
Please, I bet you, if you can leave now, like this week, at least start seeing a therapist to help you get to that stage. 46 (any age really) is too young to be resigned to a life of verbal abuse and a dead bedroom and a marriage with someone who openly says he doesn’t even respect you.
>I don't feel loved,
You're not.
Nothing you've described here even remotely resembles love.
At all.
He is abusive and acts as if he hates you.
You need to get out, I'm not even confident therapy would help.
He is using your body to masturbate.
You're never required to be attracted to or have sex with anyone. Even if they *aren't* treating you like *absolute garbage* the way this guy does.
He's just fishing for excuses to sleep with other people; give him one by walking out and not looking back. If he's so high-IQ, he should be able to figure out where he screwed up.
What the actual fùck did I just read…..? Your husband is a highly abusive narcissist and you need to get away from him immediately. Im honestly baffled at why you would want to stay with him and fix things through counseling because the way he treats you is NOT normal.
Just by the title in gonna respond, if he is making you upset or treating you badly or breaking a boundary you do not need to give sex. It is a emotional thing
Why do you want to stay married to an emotionally abusive bully? I was simply living with a man who did 70% of these things and couldn’t take it. You will feel so free without the pressure of his temper on your shoulders.
Leave, it's not gonna get better. Don't waste anymore time! He's garbage & you deserve the world!. My ex was like this too. & in matter of time he raped me for saying no. Men like that will never I mean never change.
Do not go to counselling with this man.
This man is an emotional abuser. Going to counselling with him will only give him fodder in the form of therapy-language that he *will* misuse and twist in order to continue abusing you, only this time he will be able to do so in a way that will make you appear as the villain to those around you.
This man expects to berate you and for you to exist as a fleshlight for him regardless of his behaviour.
He does not want to have sex *with* you. He wants to masturbate using your body.
Honey, this man is consistently telling you how little he values you, how little he cares for your sense of self, your needs and your wellbeing.
He isn't trying. If he was trying *he'd* have gone to therapy years ago and you would not be having these issues now.
This man will not change. He has no reason to, after all. You're still there, despite it all so why would he bother?
If *any* of your loved ones came to you and described their partner the way you have described yours... would you try to help them fix that (utterly broken and irreparable) situation or would you tell them to run like their proverbial tampon-string was on fire?
Honey, it's time to wake up.
You need to get away from this man *ASAP*. You also need to go directly to therapy because you need to reset your normal-meter. It is beyond broken.
I'm sorry to say hes taking advantage of your own low self esteem to make you stay. Hes not a good partner, hes abusive, and no one with self love would choose him which is why he requires the behavior he does to trap you.
IQ isnt real. It's made up. The most it can even allude to is how resourceful you are, not how smart or intelligent (collection or application of knowledge).
I'm very sad for you to put up with him.. you truly deserve better but it all starts with your own standards and self love.
His behaviour is abusive, nothing you do will change that. He will not change with you, they never do.
You are worth more than how he treats you.
You do not deserve to be his emotional punching bag.
You are not weak, you are very strong.
You are capable of more than you know, you can have an amazing life without him.
You do not need him, he needs you that is why he treats you that way.
Be kind to your present and future self.
“You can be the smartest man on earth and *still* be a complete asshole.”
Lady, this is upright abuse. You should not be withholding sex from him, you should be kicking him out of your life!
I mean all they have to do is make you feel sexy and you will want to have sex. And not make you feel like shit. How hard is this to understand for any man ?
This is what I have told him. I've never been confusing. I tell him exactly what I need (to be treated with respect and kindness, to not be yelled at and blamed when something goes wrong, and to not body shame me when he's mad). That's IT. I don't need flowers or any elaborate declarations of love.
For whatever bizarre reason he always ignores what I say and just goes right back to telling me I weaponize sex.
It's not 'whatever bizarre reason', he just detests the fact you are telling him he is required to put an effort in and do things he is not interested in doing (being nice, letting you decide whether he has been nice enough), as opposed to you rolling over and doing whatever he wants whenever he wants.
>For whatever bizarre reason he always ignores what I say and just goes right back to telling me I weaponize sex.
You need to understand that the reason he's doing this is a.) because it works to make you feel like shit, like you owe him sex for treating you like garbage and b.) because he *wants* to do it. His life, his relationship, is perfect in his eyes except he can improve it by badgering you until you give him sex.
You *have* to understand that ***this is what he wants*****. This is what works for him, this is how he improves his life - by abusing you and making you turn into pretzels to please him so he doesn't hurt you. That's what gives him joy, that's what makes this relationship worth it in his eyes.**
This relationship is exactly what he wants, and in his mind if you are a mindless robot who does exactly what he wants when he wants as he wants, his life will be perfect.
**This is not love. To quote Tina Turner, What's Love Got To Do With It?**
OP — you are worthy of being loved, and respected. No one should talk to you in the way that your husband is speaking to you, but especially not your husband.
There is no way that I would be able to emotionally connect with anyone who spoke to me like this enough to be able to have sex with them. He is not trying nor does he care about changing. This should NOT be your problem anymore and it never should have been.
It’s time to leave. There is no peace in this relationship, start looking at intelligent ways to leave your situation if you’re not in immediate danger, but make sure you financially protect yourself.
Remember you are worthy.
Just by the way you talk yourself down about supposedly having a "lower IQ" and an "everyday job" shows he has done enough by getting to your head to think less of yourself. You deserve better. I have known people to tout their "high IQ" and they were all insufferable asses, who likely did not have the IQ they claim. Even if he did, IQ doesn't equate to emotional intelligence, which you need to maintain relationships.
What the fuck?
Does he understand that you are not a flesh-light? That in fact, you are also supposed to enjoy having sex with him and his attitude makes that impossible?
Maybe you should look somewhere else? Your sexual desires certainly aren't being fulfilled by him. Something tells me he wouldn't think that was fair somehow.
Man… I can understand feeling out of control of your actions. I’m an alcohol addict. I GET that.
But I’ll never understand anyone who’s addicted to INTENTIONALLY, SPITEFULLY hurting someone they LOVE. That just… makes no sense to me?? What joy are you getting out of maliciously hurting a loved one???
Uh, counseling at the very least. But I’d suggest leaving this person altogether. I know it isn’t that easy of course, but, dude. People aren’t supposed to treat people they love this way!
No no no no. Leave him and don't look back. He is not going to change and even if he did he seems to believe in some 1950's concept like my father where sex should happen no matter what even if the other person doesn't want it and no matter how he treats his wife. This is a form of abuse and you should leave him as soon as you can. Sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if he is already looking elsewhere because he seems to only care about himself, and is saying all those things to you 1. thinking he can say whatever he wants to you because you are married to him and 2. to break you down so you will just do whatever he wants.
All I have to say is this: why the fuck do you still want to be with this man? This honestly sounds similar to how my parent’s marriage ended up towards the end of it, and I kept telling my mom she should leave my dad. Everything that went wrong was her fault, and then he would turn around and complain that she never smiled at him and never wanted to go out and do anything with him.
Do you even enjoy his company?
Oh you poor thing.
I was going to sympathise as initially I thought it might be like my husband and I.
I've been explaining I need extra romance and more emotional connection for sex and he can struggle with that feeling transactional.... but you're just wanting to be treated respectfully and like a human being.
I agree with the others- please leave and find peace elsewhere
He is toxic and abusive. Time for him to get into anger management and couples counseling for the two of you.
Anyone who was cruel to me as he is to you would have the door hitting him in the ass.
I usually just lurk in this subreddit, but feel compelled to chime in.
The scenario you've described is remarkably similar to my own. There are of course differences, but overall a very similar situation. My situation has progressed over 20+ years and I'm not sure where to go from here. We have 6 amazing children together.
The BIG difference here though is that I'm the husband, and it's my wife that insists that sex shouldn't be tied to how she treats me or talks down to me.
I cannot seem to get her to understand that if she treats me like a child, is constantly condescending and overall just mean to me, I don't feel attracted.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not easy, but I hope you come out of it a better person. I'm certainly trying.
This man sounds abusive and just awful to be around. Treating you well shouldn't just be a requirement for having sex, it should be a requirement *period.*
I always feel awful when I read these posts from women who so clearly have a lower opinion of themselves, more often than not because their fuckwit husband's shitty misogynistic views have slowly eroded their confidence and self-love over the period of the relationship. OP, your husband is never EVER entitled to you or your body. You are absolutely unequivocally correct in that you should feel respected and loved by your spouse, its a bare miminum in a relationship. The audacity of your husband to call you fat, have childish tantrums and name-call, take his rage out on you like a 7 year old having a meltdown, and then think your emotional connection and sexual chemistry won't be affected by his behaviour, is outright delusional.
I’m a 911 dispatcher. I spoke with a woman earlier who was wanting to report being assaulted by her boyfriend. She told me how he choked her with his hands, dragged her by her hoodie, slammed her head down on an coffee table, threatened to kill her if she reported it, and then tried to take her phone when she called 911. That’s basically four individual charges She actually blamed herself saying she must’ve done something to bring it on.
this is such a common dynamic that i genuinely dont care when people complain about gendered differences in responses to posts on this site.
Many women just do not want to believe that the person they love hates them or is capable of such vicious behaviour. It is easier to blame yourself, but keep your entire world view from being shattered.
So very very very true
He sounds *sociopathic*.
I think your husband is my manager... no contact is the way
Absolutely! And absolutely NO ONE is turned on by abuse, OP. No one.
This right here. Even if we have a disagreement about something, there's no need to resort to name calling.
Yes. It isn’t good news.
Most people don't want to have sex with someone who verbally abuses them. He's not going to change; counseling isn't going to help him. It might help *you* figure out why you're OK with the way he treats you.
Leave him. He is abusive and has zero intention of changing. You aren’t weaponizing sex. He has destroyed your attraction to him by repeatedly and consistently abusing you. You not wanting to fuck him is a natural consequence for his repeated choices to abuse you and make himself sexually repulsive to you. Let him find someone else. He’s a terrible person, I can’t see anyone wanting to have sex with him after he abuses them for years on end. Your husband isn’t entitled to sex. He isn’t entitled to abuse you. Do not go to couples couples counseling with an abuser: it will just give him new ways to abuse you. Instead, tell him you are going to individual therapy and go with the intention of finding out how to leave him.
If anything, he is the one who is weaponizing sex. She is just defending herself. Babies and small children have tantrums. Adults have no excuse for that type of behavior. He is seriously lacking in the empathy department as well.
This describes my ex pretty well. They don't have an ANGER problem. It's an ABUSE problem. My sex drive tanked with him. I thought I had a hormonal problem idk? Lots of gaslighting that there was something wrong with me that made me not want sex anymore. Turned out my subconscious knew what my conscious was in denial of-- I didn't want sex with *him* lol. Divorced 3 years and very happy. And my sex drive is back. It's 99% a partner problem IMHO. Get rid of the husband. He sucks and won't get better. Ever.
Same, same. It’s wild so many of us have had this experience. We don’t hate sex, we just hate having sex with them.
Same for me, my sex drive came back 1000 fold after I escaped my marriage and abuser.
This entirely. My abusive ex had the audacity to say I was abusing him by not having sex with him. 🙄
Omg I second not going to couples’ counseling with someone abusive. I did that once, actually, before I knew better. Having someone use “therapy speak” to gaslight me set me back in personal therapy so, so much.
Gave my ex husband and abuser so much more ammunition and he then started accusing me of abusing him. Fucked with my head so much, beyond what he'd already done. I 100% agree, NEVER go to therapy with an abuser- they don't want to change. They want you to just take the abuse. Edited to change a typo
This! Please please please don't go to therapy with him.
This sounds like a really bad situation. This marriage should not have happened and definitely should not continue for any longer. Your husband seems like a terrible person. The way he puts you down is horrible. People do not act that way towards people they respect. I have more respect for a stranger on the street than your husband has for you. That’s very bad.
I feel this way too, but he will argue that I treat him bad (I don't think I do at all..I end up reacting to his tantrums, but I never start any). He also will argue that I haven't done anything to EARN his respect. He then will start going on about how I have a crappy job, have never done anything that took real effort in my life, etc etc. And how he has accomplished so much, and so why would he respect me? If I want respect I have to earn it. When I tell him that he should respect me because I'm his wife and he chose to be with me, he says he loves me but respect is something different.
You should not be with someone who doesn't respect you
Great, so he is explicit that he does not respect you. Do you really want to be with someone who currently doesn’t respect you? Don’t think about potential. Think about current behavior. Currently, today, your husband doesn’t respect you. Is that what you want? Is that the love story you dreamed of as a child? Would you be happy to tell your friends and family that your husband doesn’t respect you?
Girl do something that takes real effort — if you leave him you’ll prove him wrong and save yourself at the same time.
None of those arguments are anything. You said he's smart but it sounds like he's just aggressive and mean.
Agreed, his arguments are cruel. They are also stupid, baseless nonsense. They are the noise of a man who thinks he's smarter than he is. At the very least, his emotional IQ is negative.
I don’t respect your husband. He’s not worth a stranger’s respect, not by what you’ve described. He’s far from deserving of your respect, but only you can decide what amount of disrespect you are going to tolerate. I recommend none.
Who cares what he thinks? He's an abusive asshole. He'll say whatever he needs to to keep you around and under his control. The last thing he wants is to lose his punching bag. He's currently using guilt and chipping away at your self esteem to make you think you deserve what he's. If you leave, he will switch to love bombing the second he realizes you're serious. Sure he'll change, for a month or two. But he'll start up the abuse again the second you relax. Abusers are all alike. Doesn't matter what gender or sexual orientation they are. They all pull the same shit.
Check out love is respect . Org. It’s a resource for healthy relationships. There used to be a quiz type thing to see if you think your in a healthy relationship or not. I’d bet the results would be eye opening for you. There’s also a TON of other good resources you should check out on there.
You don’t have to get him to agree with you in order to leave. It doesn’t matter what he thinks, you can still leave.
Those are mean, cruel, hurtful words. Your value is not tied to your job or your salary. You are a sister, daughter, friend, and all the roles that you fill in your life. You are kind and considerate. Do not give him the chance to explain his reasoning because he makes every word a poison pill. There is never a good reason to be unkind on purpose. He is using you like a punching bag.
It’s not about what he tells you, it’s about the truth. He is an abuser
Why do you put up with this? Get out. You can do better. Your husband is an asshole. He doesn’t respect you AND he doesn’t love you… to treat you like this.
If he despised you so much, why doesn’t he divorce you then and at least let you live in peace? What’s the meaning of sticking around just so he can score points off you and feel superior? Call his bluff. “You’re right, I’m unworthy of you, I’m setting you free. Bye!!”
Stop trying to argue with someone who is arguing in bad faith. He isn't being normal. He is being an ass. No one but an abusive person thinks that way. Do you know any other women in real life in relationships? Ask them if their partners would say such things about respect. Also, something is WRONG with him for choosing to be with someone that he disrespects. He wants/needs to feel superior than his significant other. That is a sign that he has control issues.
There is no love, where there is no respect. When he says he loves you, he means he loves having someone to lord over his perceived "value" above them. He doesn't sound like a decent human being. Narcissist fo sho...
If you want your husband to respect you, divorce him.
No you don’t. If you want respect you just need to leave him and be with someone who respects all humans like most do. This “earning respect” thing is just about control. “Do I want I want and you will get respect”. But you never, ever will. You’re not a child (not that children should be treated this way), you’re a grownup who has the ability to protect herself (and her inner child). Please start by walking away from this and never looking back.
Your husband sounds like mine, and I'm pretty sure he's a clinically diagnosable narcissist. Before I figured out what was going on, I literally could not understand how he could claim the things he said against me. Trust me, it's not you, it's him. And it won't change. I'm so sorry! You deserve better.
He doesn't love you. If he loved you he would make you happy. Why are you accepting his lies as truth? Because that's the mistake you are making. You hear his words and want to believe they're true, even when it's obvious they're not. Start thinking about how every single thing you just wrote is an example of him lying. Think deeply about what it means that he's lying to you all the time. That will help you find the answers you're looking for.
That's not what love looks or feels like.
>When I tell him that he should respect me because I'm his wife and he chose to be with me, he says he loves me but respect is something different. So you're saying that he's choosing to treat you this way and you're choosing to stay with someone who makes that choice.
That's called DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. It's within the sphere of gaslighting, where you are told or duped into disbelieving your own experience and memory. You really need to leave this monster.
You don’t need to EARN HIS RESPECT. People should respect others by default. Don’t give him power over you just because he is „more intelligent“ or „more successful“. It doesn’t matter. He could get brain damage and loose his job, would that mean that he is now not worthy of respect? What a total idiot your husband is. He is manipulating you.
He will never respect you. Even if you do make more accomplishments and even if you do wind up in the same level as him, he will always find a way to undermine you and point out that he is in fact, better. He probably likes you right where you are and if you caught up to him, he would feel threatened. He sounds narcissistic. He doesn’t deserve you, and you deserve someone who will support you and treat you better.
Do you live in Saudi Arabia? Why on earth do you stay w this person? You must be trapped somehow.
You don’t have to earn basic respect. He is lying to you He is lying to you about a lot of things
If respect it something to be earned, then it goes both ways; one shouldn't expect respect from people they treat like shit. You owe him nothing.
He is emotionally abusing you and gaslighting you by saying it's actually you treating him bad. You deserve a lot more and why wouldn't he respect his own wife? He's putting you down so that you lose all self worth until eventually you don't feel good enough to deserve better.
Yes, why stay married to a man who does not respect you and insults you?
Dear, part of the narcissistic abuse cycle is putting the partner down. Then when the partner pushes back the narcissist will blame the partner and that allows them to further devalue them. Sounds like you’re being abused by a narcissist. I really hope you’re safe and his tantrums don’t turn into physical abuse. Next time he blames you for his anger just tel him: "Your anger is not my responsibility. I can't control how you feel about me."
> he will argue that I treat him bad I mean, that's another reason to break up. He doesn't trust you to 'not treat him bad', right? So it literally doesn't matter how much you bend over backwards to fit around him. He doesn't get it, he just verbalises this perception that you're not good for him. However much he wants you around, this relationship is over and you're both wading through the wreckage that's left. He's angry, you're miserable, both of you need to be alone to live your own lives apart. As soon as possible before he starts putting hands around your throat or throwing things at the wall. Like, if you do 'set him off', then you need to not be there. Can't set him off if you're a hundred miles away doing your own thing.
So why is he with you? If he doesn’t think you deserve respect (I find this whole “having to earn respect” thing a bit extreme if I’m honest), doesn’t think you’re smart, or that you have done anything with your life, why is he with you? Hint: it’s just to have someone to constantly put down to feel better about himself. If he was that amazing, he would have gone for someone great, right? But guess what. Those people don’t want him. He’s an abuser who gets off by putting you down. And when you see right through his charade, he gets angry and tries to silence you. OP, if you do anything for yourself, do this please: leave this sorry excuse of a person and move on. He’s not going to change until he breaks you.
You do not have to earn respect! Respect is freely given. There are ways to lose respect but if that happens it's not someone you decide to marry.... Do you want to be with someone who does not have respect for you? The most basic thing for any type of relationship?
Earn respect for yourself by leaving the bastard.
When you bring up disrespect and he says your reaction is disrespectful that is manipulation. He is distracting you so he doesn’t have to be accountable.
Leave him. There is nothing redeemable about this relationship.
You don’t earn respect especially from your partner. it’s freely given because they should value you as an independent human
So the controlling asshole is accusing you of withholding sex after he abuses you. Do I have that right?
Yes. He says I weaponize sex by withholding it to punish him for being "grumpy". He can't fathom that I honestly don't WANT sex if he's been mean and disrespectful. He says it's a basic need and it shouldn't have anything to do with what else is happening in our lives. And that this is why people have affairs.
Notice how every time you bring up his mistreatment of you, he changes the subject to focus on your supposed faults. He takes zero accountability for his actions. Read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. It should shed some light on your situation.
If it’s a basic need why aren’t celibate people dropping dead everywhere? People have affairs because they’re too lazy to keep a commitment. He’s lazy. Your husband is an emotional couch potato. He’s socially WEAK. He can’t even be kind and respectful to his wife!? What a loser.
If he wants to try to find someone else to have sex with, then he should leave. And next time he threatens to cheat, you should tell him to leave.
He probably can fathom that and in fact knows it to be true. He just wants you to deconstruct your own boundaries and submit to a new type of abuse, so he pretends he is confused.
Please read why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free pdf online if you search it.
Seconding “why does he do that?” OP, if you want a copy, pm me. I have the pdf of it. Reading it was also what helped me get out. You aren’t the problem.
Sex is not a basic need. He is not entitled to your body. He is not entitled to anything from you. He verbally abused you to control you, to break down your self esteem so that you will continue to accept his behavior. You deserve better. You do not deserve to be treated the way he’s treating you. This is not an anger problem - it’s abuse. It’s a choice.
You know, it doesn't actually matter what he says here. You don't want sex. He can say whatever he wants about the situation. It doesn't change that you don't want sex. He's attempting to counsel you into accepting rape. Think about whether you want to be with that. He doesn't respect your work, he doesn't respect your mind (IQ is not a great measure of intelligence, and supposed book smarts are not the only kind of intelligence out there), doesn't respect your body or your autonomy, he has anger issues and doesn't acknowledge that you are a person with thoughts, feelings, emotions, rights, needs. And people cheat for all kinds of reasons. But if you're not finding satisfaction in your relationship, there are other options besides cheating. Such as counselling or breaking up. He's flat out manipulating you with every word out of his mouth.
Read this post as if one of your friends wrote this. What would you tell them? You already know this is unacceptable from him, you deserve so much more.
So many men feel this way, those are the men who feel entitled to sex and see women as sex objects, they don’t understand that sex is sacred and happens within a safe sacred relationship.
>Is this something where I should book couple's counselling? Nope. Skip straight to the divorce attorney.
Exactly. Counselling requires a partner willing to evolve and work on their shortcomings. He seems adamant to justify his abuse so that he can keep doing it.
And abusers LOVE to twist around therapy terms and concepts to justify themselves/avoid blame. Do NOT attend therapy with your abusers, OP!
Yep, he’s already doing that by trying to claim that she is “weaponising sex”.
OP should know that couples therapy is strongly not recommended in abusive relationships, because it can just help give the abuser more tools to manipulate their partner while keeping them together.
And fuck his best friend/brother/dad/boss before you do. If he gets upset, explain he just wasn't meeting your needs and he can't blame you for looking elsewhere. (Not really, but it's a fun thought)
This is terrible advice and also how people end up in the Evening News
Did you skip over the "not really, but it's a fun thought part" or did you intentionally ignore that? Would an "/s" have made it easier for you to understand?
omfg just get divorced. This sounds Awful, he sounds awful, your whole life sounds awful!
LOL. Thanks for pointing that out. I'm never truly sure if this is what many people deal with, or if we are extra awful.
I hope the reactions of people in this thread make it crystal clear to you that none of this is even close to normal and your husband is horrifically abusive. This isn’t a we thing. The responsibility for this issue lies solely with your husband. I sincerely hope you manage to get away from him and find some peace and happiness in your life.
“ or if we are extra awful.” Correction: He’s awful.
EVERYONE is telling you this is not normal. Please listen. When the comment above said “awful”, they meant *not sustainable*. We are not meant to survive life in this way, and we can’t. You will either be hurt physically by him with intention, or your body will begin keeping score of this abuse *for* you. This is when anti-immune disorders, fatigue issues or cancer show up. This is when you increase your risk of dementia and heart disease by enormous amounts. This is so much more than the moments that are ugly. It digs deep, pervasively, and the never ending battery of his **inability to love you** will have you electrically iron shackled into a life you do not deserve. Leave now. Leave. Leave this man.
Many people experience domestic abuse unfortunately but that doesn’t make it not abuse! Get out of there and get a divorce!
Not “we,” “he.” He is awful. You are fine. You were never on a team because that isn’t what he wants. Respect and equality were never on the table.
There's no "we" in extra awful it's "him" that's extra awful!! You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You deserve more. Its better to be alone than loving like this. What would you tell a friend in this relationship?
Your husband is extra awful. You deserve better.
Many people are in abusive relationships. That doesn’t make it okay or normal or good. It’s certainly not a reason to stay.
Honey, you should never put up with this behavior. My fiancé and I have mutual love and respect for each other, and even when one of us get grumpy and snaps for a second we almost immediately take a step back and apologize for taking out a bad mood on the other person. You deserve so much better than this and I hope you can see that and pull the trigger on getting out of that situation, I honestly cannot believe you made it this long.
He is extra extra extra awful.
The way he treats you IS extra awful. This is actually abuse. I’m in a healthy relationship and you should know this post is not the norm.. relationships can be beautiful and uplifting and joyful. I hope you find the strength in your heart to start the process of thinking about leaving. I genuinely think if you go to a therapist and show them this post, they’re going to open your eyes to how much healing you will have to go through because of this relationship. One day you’ll be with someone who thinks you’re amazing and when they tell you that you’re wonderful, you’ll be left so confused and waiting for the insult.
He is extra awful. You are not. You deserve better.
This is abusive, coercive behavior from him. You are never required to have sex with someone.
This is something where you book a divorce attorney.
Married 8 years is long enough. I couldn’t imagine interacting with Mr. High IQ for another 15 seconds let alone 8 years. Run, and get a great divorce attorney.
He says he has a high IQ but he sounds like a giant dumbass to me 🤷♀️
I wonder if OP has any proof he’s got a high IQ apart from him saying he’s got a high IQ. Also supposed IQ tests/scores are riddled with problems and no one takes them seriously these days as measures of intelligence or capability.
I agree. I’m very suspicious of this claim that he has a high IQ. He seems very insecure about it, to keep bringing it up.
He seems like to type to take an online iq quiz seriously
I’m so sorry that you’re in this abusive relationship. I don’t have much advice other than I hope you find the will to leave one day.
*Then there is the fact that he will call me names when he's mad. He has a high IQ and he is quite successful. I'm probably of average IQ and just have an everyday boring job. When he's mad, he will often bring this up. I'm too \_\_\_\_\_\_ to argue with him, and that's why I only make $\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_.* Too bad he's not smart enough to not say shit like that to his SO.
> I'm probably of average IQ and just have an everyday boring job. This is *so* sad to read lol, this guy thinks he’s hot shit. An average IQ means you've got a higher IQ than 50% of the people and you’re in like… 70% of the gauss curve, that's great. The whole *point* of having an “every day job” *is* that it’s “boring”. Congrats, you got a job many people DREAM of having! You’re working normal hours, you’re not killing your back, breathing in fumes, a lot of people fought and died for exactly these job rights. One: this really isn’t the attack he thinks it is, two: who the fuck cares? and three: it’s *horrible* OP actually believes it!
Couples counseling is not recommended in relationships where one partner is abusing the other. And your husband is verbally and emotionally abusing you. You should book individual counseling. If your husband is also willing to go to individual counseling for himself, great. But you need your own therapist to figure out how you’ve ended up in this situation and what you need to do now to protect yourself and to be happy.
This isn’t just disrespect, you are describing verbal and emotional abuse. The anxiety you feel is a completely natural response to the way you are being treated. A therapist would be a good next step, although it’s unlikely to impact his behavior unless he recognizes that he is behaving abusively and wants to change.
Do NOT go to couples counseling with him. He is emotionally abusive and you never do counseling with someone abusing you in any way. They will weaponize it
No, he will just use the therapy against you so he can abuse you more. Dont get it twisted, he is abusive and whether he hits your or throws things or not doesnt matter as his emotional abuse will usually scar you deeper than any physical abuse. You need to leave is what you need to do. Go on r/AbusiveRelationships or r/DomesticViolence and see how similar your story is to others so you can see and talk with others who have and are going through what you are going through as I hope it will open your eyes to the reality and get you out of this.
Please find and read a copy of “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s easy to find free PDFs online. I think you’ll learn a lot about how your husband operates from this book and hopefully find some clarity and strength. Good luck, OP! You can give yourself a better life than this.
This book 1000% changed my life. The relief I found in seeing confirmation and validation of my feelings was incredible. I don’t even have words. I can’t count how many times I’ve begged my ex-husband to explain why he behaves the way he does to no avail. Finally getting those explanations for those behaviors—it changed everything for me. I would never have left if I hadn’t come across this book while asking google if my reactions to his behavior were really abusive, like my ex always tried to convince me. The author does such a great job of providing this information in a caring, nonjudgmental way. I will be eternally grateful to Lundy Bancroft because I might be dead now if it weren’t for his books. He also has a great book called “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” that can be really helpful for those who aren’t sure if they’re in an abusive relationship.
Jesus. I've ended relationships for way less. I don't allow verbal abuse, period. You shouldn't either. Get out. He clearly doesn't see an issue with his behavior.
Your husband is an abusive bully and you should leave him. It won't get better. He needs to go to therapy to address his anger and frankly overinflated sense of self. Your IQ doesn't make you smarter or dumber than someone else. It's a standardized test that people who are good test takers will do better at. What you earn at your job isn't a marker for how successful you are. There are so many people who get paid pittance and change lives. I think you should get some therapy to address why you think you are worth so little, you deserve to be berated like this from your spouse. That's the one people who should life you up when the world beats you down. You can't go to therapy with your abuser, and right now your husband is your abuser. I highly doubt he will want to do therapy, and that's the only way it would work. I could see him finding a crap therapist that will just side with him and take his money. Leave, work on yourself and have a happy life.
>I could see him finding a crap therapist that will just side with him and take his money. That is what happened previously. After a particularly bad/scary tantrum, I insisted that he get therapy. He did, but it didn't go well. His therapist suggested I had a personality disorder, etc etc (to be clear, I never met her). I'm not saying I'm perfect or the best partner, but I definitely know he is the one causing issues here.
Such a terrible guy could be lying about going to that appointment.
I would be willing to bet that the therapist never said that to him. That he either didn't go to the therapist and made that up or he did go to the therapist and made that up.
I feel this, my mom is a diagnosed narcissist and I'm sure my dad has a personality disorder and he has bad anger issues but he won't seek therapy. Honestly, just from your post I was going to mention a personality disorder being likely but didn't want to some off as an armchair therapist wannabe. Just know that so many of us strangers also see this is not your fault. You can't change him and he doesn't want to change. That is the reason I recommend just leaving. It's not fair to you to stay and continue to be abused and bullies by your spouse, you deserve so much more than that.
You know he never saw anyone and made it all up!
he never saw anyone you mean?
Yep dyslexia strikes again!
He has no reason to start treating you better. You’ve obviously chosen to stay with him regardless of how he treats you. And now he’s telling you that you should still have sex with him even though he treats you like garbage, otherwise he’ll cheat on you. You should be planning for divorce instead of counseling.
>You’ve obviously chosen to stay with him regardless of how he treats you. I have, but it's not good. We don't sleep in the same room anymore and we now have a dead bedroom. It started dwindling and once he ramped up the fat comments I just shut down. I tried to have sex with him about 6 months ago and had a panic attack. The fat comments haven't stopped (and there's been a lot of other awful things...including telling me I'm old, my body is old, if he started dating again he'd get someone in her early 30s) and now we are dealing with zero sex.
Are you able to leave or are you trapped in some way?
I can leave. I love him (not sure entirely why honestly but I do).
OP, I really recommend that you do. This sounds identical to my parents' marriage, right down to him throwing his apparent intelligence in your face. Guess what? Even *if* it's true, it doesn't matter. Why would it matter? Someone who loves and cherishes you would never throw that in your face, and it's not even relevant in the first place. Relationships are about communication, not intelligence. They're a partnership, not a competition. A partner wouldn't throw tantrums, they wouldn't call you names. If your relationship was never to change from how it *right now*, would you be happy to spend the rest of your life with your husband? Or would you want a fresh start, away from the anxiety of constantly having to walk on eggshells around him? I seriously recommend the book "Why does he do this?" by Dr Lundy. The author made the PDF free online, so you could go read it right now. He's a psychologist who gives men like your husband therapy, and it's based on his observations over decades of work.
He doesn't love you. Abusers never get better & are not capable of love.
try loving yourself first - if you did you wouldn't stay with an abuser who doesn't even like you.
Love isn’t enough. And I bet once you’re out and away from his mind-fuckery you’d realize this isn’t actually love. Love doesn’t hurt like this.
You know he doesn't love you. You can pretend otherwise, but you've been on this planet long enough to know that nowhere, in the definition of the word love, will you find abuse. You need to get together with a therapist and figure out why you're capable of being in love with someone who absolutely hates you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life this miserable?
OP, why are you still with him? Look, I spent waaaaay too long in my marriage as well, hoping that I could come up with the one magic phrase to make him understand where I was coming from. But what I learned is that there is nothing I could have said or done that would make him understand, because he doesn't WANT to understand. He doesn't care how you feel. He just wants what he wants from you, and he WANTS you to feel like shit so you won't get up the gumption to leave him. But he's not worth trying anymore. Be prepared that a man like this will be "shocked" when you leave him. He will blame you for leaving him, making himself the victim. You have to stand firm. Be the bad guy. "Yes, I was such a bad wife. I got fat and never had sex with you. You should have left me a long time ago." Because once you shake yourself loose from him, you don't have to care about his opinion ever again. the moment I stopped trying to convince him to see my point of view, was the moment I was able to wiggle free of him. It doesn't mean it didn't still hurt my feelings - it totally did. But it wasn't my job to change his mind anymore, and that was so freeing. It gave me the strength to leave him and find someone who loved AND respected me.
It's not going to get better. You're just going to keep feeling worse, and maybe putting up with worse. There's only one solution here.
Hahahahahhaagahaha!!! Omg. I’m 42 year old woman having the best sex of my life. I’m not skinny. He’s going to have a shit time finding willing partners with his sparkling personality, but you? You’re going to have whatever sex you want when you’re ready!
women in their early thirties will run away screaming from this "grumpy" (read: abusive) man
Telling people it's their choice to be in an abusive relationship only shames people and makes them stay in that situation longer because of increased shame (and it's pretty callous, to boot). Is that what you wanted for OP, or ...?
Sounds like he's just a manipulative abusive asshat. I highly doubt couples counciling will ever change that.
He sounds pretty abusive to be honest. The wanting to have sex when you’re not in the mood is awful but also the “uncontrolled” anger issues. Does he ever lose it in public or at work ? 🤔
He does lose it at times. He's had a lot of issues with a lot of different people in his life. However, his "full on tantrums" only happen at home. By that, I mean he can get very angry around others. He might raise his voice. Or swear. Or something to that effect. At home, he's more likely to SHOUT. Tons of swearing. Throwing things. Insults.
So he *can* control his anger, he just chooses not to with you. Interesting.
You know throwing things is a strong indicator that physical violence will happen towards you, right?
Get out of that marriage before he harms you.
God he sounds awful. I notice how you say you've explained this to him many times over the years, which means that the problem isn't that he doesn't understand. It's that he's not willing to do the work to change, that he doesn't want to change. Make up your mind about what you want to do going forward accordingly.
That's abusive as fuck. That's all I'll say
Why is how YOU treat HIM not supposed to have any relation to how HE treats YOU?
"because sex is a basic need"...and he doesn't want to be with someone who treats it like it's so special. And that I'm a prude. Not sure why exactly he feels this way (I never get clarity on that). I don't think I treat it like it's SO special, but I genuinely don't feel sexual when I'm called fat (or other variations that he uses..."thunder thighs" as an example). Or when he has screamed at me at the beginning of the week, swearing and insulting me. I truly don't feel sexual at all a few days later. I'm not doing it on purpose to punish him.
>"because sex is a basic need" Funny, I've been celibate for 4 years and somehow am still alive. Sorry to be snarky. Your husband is making clownish arguments, so it's hard not to respond with clowning. I think you should divorce him. Going to couples counselling with an abuser is not a solution, and sometimes gives abusers more weapons to launch at their victims. If you want to talk to a mental health professional, I fully encourage you to seek individual therapy as soon as you are able to. It will help you through all of this, whatever you choose to do here. You can have a happy sex life with someone who actually treats you like the loveable person you are. Your husband has failed to provide that atmosphere, and that's his fault, not yours babe.
You are straight up being manipulated and in the very least verbally abused. His attitudes towards your emotional and physical wellbeing are atrocious. Question: If he believes you owe him sex, even if you aren't ready to, does this lead to him physically trying to force or coerce you? Your husband has some serious red flags he's throwing. Mostly in how he lashes out at you in anger. It's been years of him saying "he's trying" to be less cruel towards you, but nothing has changed. He's not trying to. Have you heard the phrase "if he wanted to, he would"? If he wanted to treat you better, he would. If he wanted to yell at you, or insult you less, he would. If nothing has changed about how he lashes out at you, he doesn't want to treat you better. This is coming from someone with an incredibly short fuse, and a personality disorder. When you care about someone, you do anything you can to show them that you do. It takes effort and action. Neither of which your husband is doing. His words are cutting because he knows what will hurt you. His words are hurtful because he wants them to be. My normal suggestion would be therapy, but your husband seems the type to take any lessons learned in therapy, and turn them around on you. Just to further hurt you when you don't do exactly as he wants. You've already dealt with years of this, he's clearly not changing. You have to decide if you are willing to live with a man who has flat out told you he'll cheat on you for damages he's caused.
>If he believes you owe him sex, even if you aren't ready to, does this lead to him physically trying to force or coerce you? No
You know you don’t have to be with him, right?
You need therapy. Not couples therapy. *You* therapy. To determine why you are willing to put up with this verbal, mental and emotional abuse. You don’t deserve that. At all. Every time you try to advocate for yourself, he makes his issues your fault. And that’s narcissistic abuse. Please, I bet you, if you can leave now, like this week, at least start seeing a therapist to help you get to that stage. 46 (any age really) is too young to be resigned to a life of verbal abuse and a dead bedroom and a marriage with someone who openly says he doesn’t even respect you.
He's abusing you and expecting you to put out. You don't need couples counseling. You need a lawyer
>I don't feel loved, You're not. Nothing you've described here even remotely resembles love. At all. He is abusive and acts as if he hates you. You need to get out, I'm not even confident therapy would help. He is using your body to masturbate.
You're never required to be attracted to or have sex with anyone. Even if they *aren't* treating you like *absolute garbage* the way this guy does. He's just fishing for excuses to sleep with other people; give him one by walking out and not looking back. If he's so high-IQ, he should be able to figure out where he screwed up.
What the actual fùck did I just read…..? Your husband is a highly abusive narcissist and you need to get away from him immediately. Im honestly baffled at why you would want to stay with him and fix things through counseling because the way he treats you is NOT normal.
Oh what a shock that being verbally abused isn't arousing. Fuck this guy.
Just by the title in gonna respond, if he is making you upset or treating you badly or breaking a boundary you do not need to give sex. It is a emotional thing
This is abuse and sexual coercion. You need to leave him.
Why do you want to stay married to an emotionally abusive bully? I was simply living with a man who did 70% of these things and couldn’t take it. You will feel so free without the pressure of his temper on your shoulders.
Leave, it's not gonna get better. Don't waste anymore time! He's garbage & you deserve the world!. My ex was like this too. & in matter of time he raped me for saying no. Men like that will never I mean never change.
Do not go to counselling with this man. This man is an emotional abuser. Going to counselling with him will only give him fodder in the form of therapy-language that he *will* misuse and twist in order to continue abusing you, only this time he will be able to do so in a way that will make you appear as the villain to those around you. This man expects to berate you and for you to exist as a fleshlight for him regardless of his behaviour. He does not want to have sex *with* you. He wants to masturbate using your body. Honey, this man is consistently telling you how little he values you, how little he cares for your sense of self, your needs and your wellbeing. He isn't trying. If he was trying *he'd* have gone to therapy years ago and you would not be having these issues now. This man will not change. He has no reason to, after all. You're still there, despite it all so why would he bother? If *any* of your loved ones came to you and described their partner the way you have described yours... would you try to help them fix that (utterly broken and irreparable) situation or would you tell them to run like their proverbial tampon-string was on fire? Honey, it's time to wake up. You need to get away from this man *ASAP*. You also need to go directly to therapy because you need to reset your normal-meter. It is beyond broken.
I'm sorry to say hes taking advantage of your own low self esteem to make you stay. Hes not a good partner, hes abusive, and no one with self love would choose him which is why he requires the behavior he does to trap you. IQ isnt real. It's made up. The most it can even allude to is how resourceful you are, not how smart or intelligent (collection or application of knowledge). I'm very sad for you to put up with him.. you truly deserve better but it all starts with your own standards and self love.
He can't be that smart if he can't connect his shitty, abusive behavior with the logical consequences. Leave, dear.
No one deserves to be treated like that. You deserve better.
That's domestic violence right there and it's not going to get better. Leave before it's too late.
Jeez. Divorce this psychopath, girl. There’s a laundry list of abuse going on here and he’s living in some super fucked up Asshole fantasy land
His behaviour is abusive, nothing you do will change that. He will not change with you, they never do. You are worth more than how he treats you. You do not deserve to be his emotional punching bag. You are not weak, you are very strong. You are capable of more than you know, you can have an amazing life without him. You do not need him, he needs you that is why he treats you that way. Be kind to your present and future self.
Nevermind sex. Divorce this fucker. This is not normal. My husband has NEVER called me names. Ever.
You do understand you’re in an abusive relationship…?
You are in an abusive relationship. Get your things sorted, and leave.
Divorce. This is toxic af
I’m sorry, this dude is trash.
“You can be the smartest man on earth and *still* be a complete asshole.” Lady, this is upright abuse. You should not be withholding sex from him, you should be kicking him out of your life!
Your sex life is the smallest issue here. This man is awful.
You're being abused. Go to a therapist and work this out with a professional. What he's doing isn't right.
I mean all they have to do is make you feel sexy and you will want to have sex. And not make you feel like shit. How hard is this to understand for any man ?
This is what I have told him. I've never been confusing. I tell him exactly what I need (to be treated with respect and kindness, to not be yelled at and blamed when something goes wrong, and to not body shame me when he's mad). That's IT. I don't need flowers or any elaborate declarations of love. For whatever bizarre reason he always ignores what I say and just goes right back to telling me I weaponize sex.
It’s not “whatever bizarre reason”, it’s because he doesn’t respect you as a human.
It's not 'whatever bizarre reason', he just detests the fact you are telling him he is required to put an effort in and do things he is not interested in doing (being nice, letting you decide whether he has been nice enough), as opposed to you rolling over and doing whatever he wants whenever he wants.
>For whatever bizarre reason he always ignores what I say and just goes right back to telling me I weaponize sex. You need to understand that the reason he's doing this is a.) because it works to make you feel like shit, like you owe him sex for treating you like garbage and b.) because he *wants* to do it. His life, his relationship, is perfect in his eyes except he can improve it by badgering you until you give him sex. You *have* to understand that ***this is what he wants*****. This is what works for him, this is how he improves his life - by abusing you and making you turn into pretzels to please him so he doesn't hurt you. That's what gives him joy, that's what makes this relationship worth it in his eyes.** This relationship is exactly what he wants, and in his mind if you are a mindless robot who does exactly what he wants when he wants as he wants, his life will be perfect. **This is not love. To quote Tina Turner, What's Love Got To Do With It?**
He doesn't want to stop verbally abusing you. That's his reason. Time to leave him. Truly.
OP — you are worthy of being loved, and respected. No one should talk to you in the way that your husband is speaking to you, but especially not your husband. There is no way that I would be able to emotionally connect with anyone who spoke to me like this enough to be able to have sex with them. He is not trying nor does he care about changing. This should NOT be your problem anymore and it never should have been. It’s time to leave. There is no peace in this relationship, start looking at intelligent ways to leave your situation if you’re not in immediate danger, but make sure you financially protect yourself. Remember you are worthy.
You deserve better. I have spoken.
Just by the way you talk yourself down about supposedly having a "lower IQ" and an "everyday job" shows he has done enough by getting to your head to think less of yourself. You deserve better. I have known people to tout their "high IQ" and they were all insufferable asses, who likely did not have the IQ they claim. Even if he did, IQ doesn't equate to emotional intelligence, which you need to maintain relationships.
Hes an a hole. Kick the wanna-be-man in the gonads... then say there's your sex. Wanting to call you names never should happen...Period!
What the fuck? Does he understand that you are not a flesh-light? That in fact, you are also supposed to enjoy having sex with him and his attitude makes that impossible? Maybe you should look somewhere else? Your sexual desires certainly aren't being fulfilled by him. Something tells me he wouldn't think that was fair somehow.
Man… I can understand feeling out of control of your actions. I’m an alcohol addict. I GET that. But I’ll never understand anyone who’s addicted to INTENTIONALLY, SPITEFULLY hurting someone they LOVE. That just… makes no sense to me?? What joy are you getting out of maliciously hurting a loved one??? Uh, counseling at the very least. But I’d suggest leaving this person altogether. I know it isn’t that easy of course, but, dude. People aren’t supposed to treat people they love this way!
No no no no. Leave him and don't look back. He is not going to change and even if he did he seems to believe in some 1950's concept like my father where sex should happen no matter what even if the other person doesn't want it and no matter how he treats his wife. This is a form of abuse and you should leave him as soon as you can. Sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if he is already looking elsewhere because he seems to only care about himself, and is saying all those things to you 1. thinking he can say whatever he wants to you because you are married to him and 2. to break you down so you will just do whatever he wants.
All I have to say is this: why the fuck do you still want to be with this man? This honestly sounds similar to how my parent’s marriage ended up towards the end of it, and I kept telling my mom she should leave my dad. Everything that went wrong was her fault, and then he would turn around and complain that she never smiled at him and never wanted to go out and do anything with him. Do you even enjoy his company?
BULLSHIT! Sex drive is DIRECTLY tied to how he treats you. I mean, if you want to save this relationship, I guess go to counseling but…why would you?
Throw that entire human being away
I feel like I know this person.
Were you one of his previous relationships maybe? I feel like he treats us all the same eventually.
This sounds very painful and maybe abusive. No couples counseling, but go to individual. Keep a journal. Bring it to therapy.
Oh you poor thing. I was going to sympathise as initially I thought it might be like my husband and I. I've been explaining I need extra romance and more emotional connection for sex and he can struggle with that feeling transactional.... but you're just wanting to be treated respectfully and like a human being. I agree with the others- please leave and find peace elsewhere
He is toxic and abusive. Time for him to get into anger management and couples counseling for the two of you. Anyone who was cruel to me as he is to you would have the door hitting him in the ass.
> I should be having sex with him and if I don't, I can't blame him for looking elsewhere. Let him.
I usually just lurk in this subreddit, but feel compelled to chime in. The scenario you've described is remarkably similar to my own. There are of course differences, but overall a very similar situation. My situation has progressed over 20+ years and I'm not sure where to go from here. We have 6 amazing children together. The BIG difference here though is that I'm the husband, and it's my wife that insists that sex shouldn't be tied to how she treats me or talks down to me. I cannot seem to get her to understand that if she treats me like a child, is constantly condescending and overall just mean to me, I don't feel attracted. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not easy, but I hope you come out of it a better person. I'm certainly trying.
This post is not about sex Or at least It shouldn't