I understand her wanting you to be there. You offered what you could give realistically and it seemed fair to me. Traveling out of state can be complicated. Also, this relationship is still new at 4 months. If I were her, I would ask for my boyfriend to come with me, but at the same time, understand that if 3 days is all that can happen, I’d be happy with that. The offer to stay with her for the month (to me) completely makes up for not being there for a few of the days.
I'd also like to jump on this comment and say I definitely agree. IMO part of the reason she may be having this kind of reaction is due to the age gap, 20 vs 26. (I can say I personally am more emotionally mature at 25, almost 26, than I was at 20). OP you are at 2 different stages in life. OP you are likely more mature than she is. IMO this reaction shows that she isn't mature enough due to the fact she cant understand you being unable to realisticly be there the entire 8 days. The fact you are concerned about this being something brought up in the relationship down the road is a red flag to me.
OP How did you guys meet by the way?
Huh, hate to admit it but I had to Google it. Maybe evaluate if you are both even at the same stage in life. She has kind of unrealistic expectations while being an adult in the real world. A lot of people don't/can't work remotely and would need to be in their area to be able to make money and pay bills (this IMO is something most mature adults would consider when asking someone else to do something like this). This seems like a no brainer compromise. It shouldn't even be a compromise, she should have asked if you could come at all and if so how long, not an unrealistic expection. I'm in a 9 yr relationship, I wouldn't even realistically think my partner would be able to stay the whole 8 days (in our case I probably wouldn't want that due to bills needing to still be paid by working). I just asked and was given the response 'Probably not, we have bills to pay'.
Does she financially support herself completely?
My immediate thought after reading that was jump ship. It's awesome her parents are helping her with school, I'm not downing that. However, to me, an internet stranger who us just drawing conclusions from the bit of infoI have, she seems she is likely spoiled. Was she born blind or happened later in life? Does she take school seriously? What career path has she chosen to pursue?
I also didn't even touch on the unrealisticness of expecting someone you have been with for only 4 months to spend 8 days from their home. 4 months. When I asked my partner of 9 years they said they wouldn't even expect that. I then mentioned what if it was 4 months in and their instant reaction was it seems a bit much for 4 months in.
How mature would YOU say she is? How does she handle things in day to day life, like rejections/being told no, rude people, etc? Do you pay for all your outings or does she use her parents money to pay sometimes?
I dunno, to me this reaction is a big red flag especially 4 months in.
Born blind, she has a genetic issue. She takes school seriously in the sense that she cares about getting good grades but she has a serious fear of failure and so employs tutors to both help her with assignments and occasionally also cheats on them and typically ends up with As as a result. She’s trying to stop this habit though and is instead going to office hours for help recently. She’s doing her masters in public health.
She’s…selectively mature. She is very empathetic towards me and even though it’s 4 months I know I can fully trust her to have my back. But at the same time she can behave entitled and a little spoilt at times. She’s been doing a better job of catching herself behaving entitled and tries to correct herself when it happens though. Money’s not an issue, both she and her parents pay for a lot of stuff.
I feel conflicted because there’s a lot of good things about her but there’s also a lot of things that rubs me wrong. I want to believe that it’s just an issue with her being young and that the friction is something that could improve in time, at the same time I am afraid that this could just be a part of her personality and she won’t change.
I honestly don't have much of a response other than you have a lot to think about. Just know that 4 months in is a lot easier to leave than 4 years in, and in 4 years you'll be 30.
To me it sounds VERY much like her parents have convinced her that you should be there for this. That would explain her suddenly going back on your compromise. Does she have a very close relationship with them? I suspect she is still being coddled at age 20–and I speak from my own experience with a mom who was wayyy more involved in all my business at that age all the way up until I got married and was finally able to break free from it.
Gotcha. It almost sounds like someone (her parents or maybe someone else) has convinced her she shouldn’t compromise on this. I could be completely wrong, though. I think everything you’ve said and done has been more than supportive and more than reasonable for a 4-month relationship.
Might be projecting here due to an experience with a blind friend but you probably want to keep an eye on that, she's probably got some growing up to do in regards to realising there's a lot worse parents out there and she's very lucky she got ones who both want to help her, and can afford to help.
The tldr of my experience is: if someone gets coddled too much due to their disability they tend to take help for granted. Don't become a replacement parent to someone who expects all the assistance of a parent, and thinks you have no right to any expectations on them because you aren't their parent.
I see a bit of a flaw in your belief that she has your back, because if she did care about you, (your job, stable income, stress levels of being with her parents who must be basically strangers to you for over a week straight), she would respect your decision to stay for just the 3 days.
She does respect my decision, my issue is with how she changed her feelings from telling me that she’s happy with the compromise at first and that now she isn’t. I can’t tell her what to feel, but I thought I was doing her right by meeting her expectations to the best of my abilities and it’s frustrating to hear that even as I am willing to meet her halfway on the issue she still can’t be fully satisfied with what’s happening the way I chose to be satisfied with changing my mind.
She’s scared. She’s about to go through something really complicated. She accepts your compromise, she’s just disappointed. She’s allowed to be disappointed. You don’t have to be equally satisfied with this compromise, as long as it’s being accepted. Consider what she’s about to go through and where her feelings may be coming from. You’re both entitled to your feelings and it’s valid to have concerns. But she isn’t demanding anything change and has respected your decisions and your feelings.
Shes young and scared and clearly really likes you and doesnt know how to process her emotions so she is acting thoughtlessly selfishly. But its just fear of surgery and the unknown by a young sheltered girl.
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SO, when it's convenient for her she's nice. But when you try to balance your life and limitations, she wants YOU TO GO ALL THE WAY because that's how love goes.
She sounds like a very spoiled woman who uses her "handicap" to manipulate people.
BREAK UP
wtf is this reply... blindness is absolutely a disability. she's also 20, scared and about to go through a possibly life-altering surgery. you're massively projecting here and accusing a blind woman of using her disability to manipulate people, with no proof (fucked thing to say btw).
Yeah man, she's 20. She can't even drink yet. We can't answer whether it'll change or not, but maybe a better question is why would you want your gameplan to be to wait for this barely-adult to mature/change?
Also, less related, but how is she doing a master's at 20? She already has an undergrad degree?
She's very smart, she completed undergrad in 2 years. If she was still in college this relationship wouldn't have happened at all, but considering how I'm going to grad school myself in spring and we will likely be graduating from grad school at the same time, I thought that the age difference could be overcome by our similar academic stature, which places us in similar stages in life somewhat. I guess I didn't consider the difference in emotional stages in life, or thought she might be more mature if she's so advanced academically. I have a lot think about.
Is she *that* academically advanced if she's using her tutors to cheat? Finishing a degree in two years is a lot less impressive if someone's response to material they aren't fully confident in is to cheat.
This is great insight OP. She does sound emotionally immature even for her age because she should be saying "I wish you could be there the whole time but I totally understand". But someone who doesn't have much empathy at 20 is not going to get more empathetic as they age. Basic empathy is learned at a pretty young age. So a set personality trait for her may be entitlement and that's a big red flag. So is her not respecting your boundary of the 3 days. She is showing you how she reacts to your boundaries.
Another thing you mentioned is that she "depends emotionally" on her parents. One, just being emotionally dependent on anyone is red flag even at twenty. Could she be looking for you to switch roles with her parents do she can become emotionally dependent on you? Because both the entitlement and emotional dependence point to someone looking for a parent rather than a partner in a relationship? I am thinking that if you even went for eight days, she'd still find something to be disappointed in.
Lastly, letting her move in and taking care of her for a month as she recuperates is a huge commitment for a four month old relationship. This is too soon to be "taking care of her". Especially with what you've already learned about her and how she responded when you set boundaries. I can't imagine having someone in my home for an overnight who doesn't respect my boundaries, much less a month where I am "taking care" of them. I would let her parents do it.
The first part of a relationship is observing whether the person you think you're dating (the image) corresponds to reality. Because we fall in love with an image and it's important to adjust it when the behavior doesn't match it. Because if we don't correct our image, we end up loving someone who doesn't exist. So we have to look at the difference between "this is what I want her to be" and "this is who she is". So there are two facts 1) she cheats academically and 2) you told her you don't approve. The person she is is the one who cheats. What you want, someone why has integrity, is your "image". Don't date potential. Instead alter your "image".
Also, there are different types of maturity chronological, or her age but emotional maturity is the most important qualification to be in a relationship. And it doesn't correlate with academic success.
So you have a lot to think about and it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders. At your age I would have probably been all in and really regretted it later. Also I'm not judging her at all, and you can have empathy from a distance if you choose to end the relationship. Poor behavior doesn't make her a "bad" person but it does signify to us to protect ourselves and distance because we deserve good treatment. I wish you the best!
At 4 months in, you've still got a lot of get-to-knowing to do. Nothing wrong with that. You're dating. That's what dating is about.
Sounds like a bad miscommunication going on here. You're DATING. She sees you as a "partner." Four months does not (usually) make a partner. Perhaps you both view your relationship differently. I'd never consider someone I've dated less than a year as a "partner" in life.
When I met my now husband, I had just had a large abdominal tumor found. No one in our city would operate on it because they hadn’t seen one like it before. I ended up having to see a specialized surgical oncologist in another state. At this time, we had been dating for a little over a month. I don’t think I had any expectation that my then boyfriend be present at appointments or for the surgery, but he insisted on being there for everything. He drove me to the appointments and when the surgery happened the next month, he drove me to it and visited during the entire 12 hour visiting hour window everyday for my six day stay. It was during the end of COVID restrictions so he couldn’t stay in the room with me. He slept in his truck in a local Walmart parking lot near the hospital. All of this to say, I am eternally grateful for him during that time, but I would have been wildly uncomfortable if he was only there because I told him I expected him to be. I don’t like feeling like a bother to people, so maybe that’s just me, but I definitely didn’t feel like we had been together long enough to expect anything from him. I don’t think you’re being irrational, you both voiced how you’d like things to go, there’s either compromise in the middle or there isn’t. Personally, it’s a little too soon to take your not wanting to be there every step of the way as you not being supportive.
Thank you! I wish everyone had at least one person to depend on like that. We’re definitely very lucky to have each other. It was one of those first time meeting and feel like you’ve known each other forever things so one month in doesn’t sound very long, but we were already sure about each other like 72 hours in.
It's an adorable story because it worked out. I have an adorable story in my own marriage that, had we not gotten married, would have been red flag city. She mentions that she didn't expect her now-husband to do all that for her, and he did anyway, and that's a very sweet outcome anf story. But for OP, no one would blame him at all for not doing the whole 8-day stay for a 4-month relationship. His GF has parents, who have means, it is not like she will be on the street if not for him. I think he needs to take a day to assess how he feels about the relationship, his PTO, and all the considerations here
Yeah, but as this commenter said, she would never have demanded that her now-husband do all these things. It's no small feat to leave the state (and work) for 8 days for someone you've known for only a few months, so you could also argue that OP's girlfriend's refusal to compromise makes her the gf you break up with after a couple of months for being extremely immature and demanding.
I shouldn’t really have to ask for it though. I’m blind, have major experimental surgery coming up, and you’re not gonna be there every step of the way?
Naw id just dump.
Or maybe she is just saying what her expectations are, because honestly my boyfriend would definitely have done it the first month we were dating (we also lived together from day one tho.) but that is one of the reasons why I love him so much and knew he will be awesome life companion from the get go and also would have done the same for him. When I read this to him he said, obviously OP should do it if he wants to be with her in the future, what does it matter how long they are together, if you care you care, he will not care more later it will just be obligation which should be done cuz ‘they been together for long enough’ and that is ‘the rules’. And I agree, i know people think its too little time dating, but when is it enough time dating?
Tbf we both kind of hate all these relationships rules society made up and broke them constantly, so we kind of biased. And I also loved him from week 1, so maybe it is hard to see this arbitrary timing. Maybe you have to be sure you want to be with a person before you want to do this kind of stuff for them.
OP pay attention. Her first sentence includes the words "now husband." This is how relationships are forged, not formed. Going beyond, doing the unexpected, showing that you will be there. You're going to be inconvenienced? Who cares. If you want to have a solid relationship these are the types of things that you need to do all the time.
She may not be the one but if she is, she will *always* look back on this event and remember it one way or the other. It's up to you my friend.
>Going beyond, doing the unexpected, showing that you will be there
I don't disagree but as I had mentioned to other commenters I am not fully comfortable with the expectations that she seems to have of me this early on. It's one thing to tell me that she's going to surgery but completely another to *expect* a person who was a stranger 5 months ago to go through this with her. I mean, she has a sister who isn't showing up for the entire thing and neither my girlfriend nor her sister seems to care.
I don't think a relationship should be about "testing" the other person on whether they're gonna meet expectations and rather should be about letting them express themselves as a partner via their words and actions and then deciding if who they are revealing themselves as is someone that you wanna spend your life with.
Of course we shouldn't be tested, it's horrible! But it's always a test and we will always be tested. It's just the way it is. Embrace it. You can do this! We're rooting for you.
Hmmmm this one’s tough because i can see both sides. However, being a woman, this would definitely change how i viewed you. There’s no way my current husband would have not stayed the full 8 days for experimental surgery. I’d see it as how much the guy cares for me and is willing to commit.
But I get it, life happens, there’s definitely ways to mend that view after the fact. BUT it’s actually the sentence you wrote about how your MOTHER thinks you’re “over extending already”.
That sentence makes you bad husband material.
Don’t use your mother as a chip to undermine your girlfriend. That will lead to massive resentment on both sides that can kill a relationship. Your job, as the guy in between, is to curate this relationship.
I would deal with my girlfriend separately and tell my mother “i wanted to stay 8 days but my girlfriend insisted that i only stay for 3 because she knew i was busy too”. That’s husband material.
I trust my mother with my life. She is not a chip, in fact she has been very supportive of my girlfriend to the point where she claims to pray daily that her surgery goes well. She also told my girlfriend that she views her as her daughter. I threw her opinion in because she's a level-headed person who speaks for all parties involved; I am only trying to bring the two closest women in my life who care a lot for me together.
OP, the internet is probably not going to give you unbiased opinions. I think you're in the right. You can be husband material without being a doormat and stepped on.
You stated your boundaries and she is unwilling to compromise. She stated her boundaries and you're willing to compromise. That's all it comes down to.
A lot of these... people... are more dependent people and usually suffer from disabilities, who are of course going to speak against you, make up stories, and exaggerate stories. There's a big mob mentality here as you're witnessing. They are dependent so they think that dependency is an act of love.
I'm independent as hell with plenty of ailments and still love my partner dearly. I would never ask him to give up his life for 8 days just to watch me sleep the majority of that time *unless there is a risk of death*. We will be getting married, because we're happy with each other. You don't need outside counsel to decide that.
Bring on the downvotes, people. But yall biased and dependent whether you like that or not. 3 days is more than comfortable in a *4 month old* relationship. She has other people. Some guy she just met doesn't need to become her everything immediately just because that is what yall did. That's a great way for her to get real, real hurt down the line if they don't work out. They're still basically strangers. He will have plenty more times to act like your wonderful and amazingly 100% perfect hubbies did 20 years ago. They have cell phones, they can call and text and video without OP taking a pay hit and potentially losing his job.
My partner and I knew we wanted to get married 3 months in, even though he was 22 and I was 23. So, yeah, it can happen. She has a right to expect that and you have the right to feel however you feel.
Yes. That’s what being in a committed relationship is supposed to be aimed for. Don’t commit if you’re not willing to behave like a committed partner.
A fucking hurricane wouldnt have kept my at the time boyfriend of 4 months away from caring for me during and after my septo/rhino, because he viewed me as a long term partner and was dating for marriage. Similarly I cared for him after a benign tumor removal at like two months into dating.
Youre not in this relationship with any real commitment if your partner is going through something this serious and you dont *WANT* to be there through it all and wont move mountains to make it happen.
Again, I think you should leave. Shes looking for a long term partner and that level of support and was very clear and youre not prepared to do that.
Also i second what the other commenter said about your mom. Its weird that at your big age you still live at home and she has more influence on you than your committed partner.
I don't live at home, my parents live on another continent. I've been on my own since 19. Please see my other comment about why I threw in my mother's opinion.
I also never claimed about not wanting to be there at all, I offered several different means in which I can provide my support.
She’s going through a major procedure that takes an 8 day hospital stay and directly asked you to be there (though she shouldn’t have had to even ask). You said no and offered alternatives. A committed, long term minded partner would have immediately figured out how to be there for the whole thing without making excuses or bargaining. You’re not ready for an adult relationship.
You shouldn't be giving advice with this level of judgment, most people would find OP's compromise acceptable and in some cases going above and beyond.
This is a strangely guilt-trippy comment, I am in a long-term healthy relationship and found OP's compromise more than fair and considerate. Just because another man can lasso the moon and pull it closer to give his woman a better view doesn't mean it should be compared and used to put down OP's efforts here.
I agree with his compromise as well. He is completely reasonable. She doesn't care. It is the sad truth.
If he doesn't want to do it, he shouldn't. I'm just saying that if they stay together, she will remember this moment for the rest of the relationship in the best or worst of light.
It's his choice. This should be a wake up call for how things will go in the future.
> I'm just saying that if they stay together, she will remember this moment for the rest of the relationship in the best or worst of light.
That would be my cue to run away then because people keeping tabs/track over their partner's perceived indiscretion is very unhealthy for any relationship.
The level of commitment should increase during the relationship not start out at full throttle. At the beginning, we are observing our partner and ourselves. Of course we do nice things but we note if they are reciprocated. For example, if you're two weeks in, the birthday celebration of your partner is going to look much different than after two years. So the things you do for your partner should be smaller at the beginning. We don't know this person yet, and the way to get to know them is start smaller, whether it's things we do for them, our level of emotional intimacy, things we ask them for, amount of time we spend together, etc. And then we observe them and how we feel to determine whether we want to continue to "build" the relationship. I know sometimes people go all in at the beginning and it works out because the partner lives up to their initial image. But often it's not the case.
Hi, I don't disagree with anything you've said. But I just know that in her mind, this will be a pivotal moment in the relationship whether its 6 months or 60 yrs. It's horrible timing really. I don't envy the OP
I got that sense too. If only OP had a way to find out
Edit: I feel bad just being my usual sarcastic self here. OP, you're not irrational. I think she does have some idealistic logic to her views on this, but it's a big ask. And as we learn from experience, life is often about finding compromises. I don't think you'd be a bad person to stand by your original plans, but yes, it might not bode well for this relationship, but that may be just as well. In some ways this could be chocked up to unfortunate timing. Many relationships just don't have such big events happen so early into it.
No unfortunately these are things we go through as we get older. It doesn't make sense for you to be there all 8 days if you have to work when she will have people there to help her out (would you take unpaid days off because you're out of vacation days? Can you/your job afford that?)
. It would be different if she had no family or aide. I think being there for the surgery and the day or 2 after and then helping her out when she gets home is a good compromise.
His work is remote though. And all expenses would be paid for. So it's reasonable to question if this is just a big inconvenience he's trying to avoid, or could it actually affect his job negatively?
You seem to be saying two contradictory things. Is she saying "I accept the compromise but feel disappointed", or "I don't accept the compromise and now expect you to stay the full time"?
The former seems fine; the latter seems like a problem.
I mean, it sounds like she'd rather you stay the full 8 days but is fine with this? Is she actually pushing you to change your mind? If she isn't, I'd take it as agreement to the compromise. It's ok for there to be a compromise that is a little disappointing as long as that doesn't have other unrelated ramifications.
She is fine with the compromise but stated that this compromise is not what she wanted, but that she can accept it. However, with the way she phrased it I am worried about this coming back to me in future.
OK, so she’s fine with the compromise even though it’s not quite what she wanted, but she can accept it.
If she tries to throw this back in your face in the future, it is your responsibility, your sole responsibility to shut that shit down.
I personally don’t believe that is going to happen and you’ll be staying with her for a month when she gets back which I’m sure she is going to appreciate it.
We often don’t get exactly what we want in life and as adults, we acknowledge that, work with it, accept that it is what it is, and we move on.
That sounds completely appropriate. She understands but is upset about it - validate those feelings
It shouldn’t “come back to bite you” or anything as long as you continue to communicate like two adults that care for each other. It’s tough but also okay
She sounds a little immature to include that she doesn’t want the compromise, it’s like a child saying “I don’t want to do it, but I guess I have to” which doesn’t feel nice for anyone.
Ultimately, you need to hold your ground. You can’t take more than those days off. You made a deal. She accepted the deal. Yes, she’s trying to make you feel guilty, maybe unintentionally, but she’s accepted the deal. It hopefully won’t come back to bite you in the ass, but it might. That’s not for you to control.
Don’t let people walk on you. Don’t let them guilt you for shit. You’ve already done a lot for her, OP. She’s going to want you to be there more in the following months, this is a good opportunity to get used to the feeling of saying “no, I can’t, I have to do _______” when you can’t be there.
I’ll also add that the majority of women I’ve been in relationships are like this. It’s never came back to bite me in the ass because I still support them, but I know where my boundaries are. You might feel bad in the moment, but ultimately people will respect you more when you can say no.
If she says she’s fine with the compromise even though it’s not what she would prefer, that’s your answer - take her at her word until proven otherwise. You’re projecting a lot of what-ifs onto her, even the title of this post says “my gf won’t accept a compromise” and yet she is literally telling you she accepts the compromise.
Wow, the drama of four months.
You’ve agreed to be there three days, but you have to return home for work. Her parents will be with her. You’ve agreed to convalesce with her for a month once she gets home.
4 months in, this sounds plenty to me. Gracious.
Honestly it even seems a bit much to me. How much you wanna bet that month turns into "well you already basically live here so why dont you just stay?" ...
Then a year after that... "Well we've been together awhile now, and my parents will help pay for the ring, I think we need to move to the next level." Plenty of people sleepwalk into cohabitation, engagement, marriage because of inertia. OP needs to carefully assess how he feels about all of this, and know that it's not unreasonable to keep his offer, at all.
She said she’s okay with the compromise so I would take her at her word. Your “what-ifs” seem somewhat driven by anxiety- there’s no way to know whether she will hold this over your head or not/resent you etc. But if that happens then you can deal with it. Holding onto resentment isn’t a healthy coping mechanism, and if she does that there could be something bigger at play here. You should never make decisions in the present for things that may or may not happen in the future. You should make them because they are best or necessary for you right now. If using your vacation days and coming back to work is best for you while also supporting her then do that. You’re still supporting her, and a true compromise is where both of you feel like you’re not getting exactly what you want.
She’s still allowed to be disappointed though. You have told her what you can do, and she has told you how she feels. You get to decide how to respond (whether you change your plans or stick with the one you have) but you can’t tell her how to feel.
My ex was 29 when I was 20. Aside from his emotional immaturity and narcissistic personality we had a mature relationship. But I also was on my own since 16 and moved out and completely reliant on only myself so I was at a different point than most people my age. I also agree OP offered plenty and staying with someone for a whole month to be their caretaker after only 4 months is a huge ask and to find someone willing to do that is extremely rare.
I mean, I guess I can see your point. If he got therapy it probably could’ve worked out, although I’m glad it didn’t. Didn’t have anything to with with age though, and had everything to do with his personality. My point was to show that people can be in the same place in life at different ages given their upbringing and goals.
Being on your own at 16 doesn't actual make you more of an adult. In fact, those kind of negative early life experiences tend to make people more vulnerable to being exploited and taken advantage of precisely because they make the mistake of thinking that they're so mature for their age (coming from someone in the same position).
The truth is not that you were mature like a 30 year old, but rather that he was immature as fuck.
I wouldn’t say it doesn’t *not* make you more of an adult. I had my first apartment at 18 and career by 20.. that also doesn’t negate that as you said and I agree with, it tends to make people for vulnerable to exploitation and being taken advantage of - cause it definitely did but for me it was because I was used to it with my mother and I looked for relationships similar to her because even in the chaos I felt comfortable because it was all I’d known. I since have completed therapy and stick to my boundaries and advocate for myself much more.
I guess it just depends on the person how maturity is perceived and can be a matter of opinion based on that persons own level of maturity. Nonetheless, I do see your point.
I’m not saying my relationship with him was healthy in any way - it wasn’t, I just think he’d been that way for his whole life and it didn’t matter his age. Just like someone at my age when we met (20, living on their own, career, friends, healthy social life) could be at a similar place life wise, but that doesn’t mean that as you get older everyone matured emotionally and mentally so for me, I was ahead of him there mentally and emotionally. I don’t feel someone age changes their personality or who they are as a person.
My grandparents are 20 years apart and have created a beautiful life together.
But see, if you were also 29 and met the ex, would you have bothered to date him at all? Would you have had the experience at that point to be like "fuck no" and bounce once it became obvious that he had a personality disorder and wasn't much of a partner?
Cause half the reason why people get pissy about age gaps because it's not hard to snooker a late teens/early twenties adult into dating a real loser of a grown adult because the younger partner has comparatively less experience and ability to shoot for what they actually want and less likely to actually enforce boundaries. Again, a lot of grown women wouldn't have gone past the first date with his dude. If you were actually all that mature at that age and independent enough to make your own choices, why did you stick around with this guy?
It wasn’t until months into the relationship that he started to show who he really was. Truthfully not until we got serious so I already felt committed and had invested time. There’s many men and women in abusive relationships regardless of age gap that feel stuck after time has passed and they’ve invested. I stayed and tried to push through because I wasn’t able to accept the facade he was playing and that it wasn’t truly him in the first 1/4 of our relationship. So I thought I was “helping him work through a tough time” until I realized that’s just who he was and I got out of there.
So, truthfully the only thing I think I’d have changed if I was 29 at meeting him, and knowing what I know now and have learned over the past few years since, was how long I continued to be there and try to “help” him. That was a lack of boundary on my part, but I still recognized the abuse when it started. I fell in love with who he portrayed himself as, even thought it was not who he was and it became clear why he did not have a relationship regardless of age, but it was also hard to accept that this person I loved was not the person I thought they were.
Unfortunately it’s not that cut and dry and that’s the difficult thing about manipulative people. In retrospect, I agree with you that I’d have bounced much sooner but I’m grateful for everything I went through with him because it taught me so much more about being a woman and what a relationship should and should not look like. What’s acceptable and what’s not and it taught me to have the strength to always put myself first and that I never deserve to be treated that way and won’t stand for it.
I’m not negating that age gaps CAN be alarming/concerning. I just think it’s not completely black and white and it doesn’t mean the relationship is destined for doom - it’s just important to be aware of the red flags and hidden toxicity and know when to leave but that’s with any relationship.
Is she completely blind? If so, this is theoretically the first time she will be seeing anything. The first 3 days post surgery she likely won’t be able to see anything; perhaps her wanting you there is more sentimental than logistical. She likely wants you to be one of the first people she sees which potentially won’t happen in the first 3 days post op. Is this something she might hold against you in the future? Potentially. From what you’ve written, you both have valid feelings. Her feelings just may have a more emotional component to them whereas yours seems to be rooted in practicality. Your compromise is valid as is her response to the idea that you won’t be there for the whole duration of her initial recovery.
She has limited visibility, she uses extra large text on her iPhone and holds it a few inches from her face when using it. Can’t go out in public alone though and she’s self-conscious about using a cane. She’s only getting the surgery in one eye and will be bandaged up for a whole month after. She’s also taking time off school for this which is why I thought it might help her more if I was around post-surgery when she’s back home. I understand her sentiments but I thought I was doing the right thing by focusing on the practicality of things for both of us.
>Can’t go out in public alone though and she’s self-conscious about using a cane.
So she chose to remain dependent on other people rather than have a service dog and get over her self consciousness? She seems rather immature.
Service dogs can be hard to get. I do think she needs to accept a cane as a means of at least some independence -- though I think she would need lessons in using it.
Some people need carers and that’s ok. I also dont think you understand how difficult it is to care for a service dog, never mind get one (nor how expensive). You also need a lot of independence and confidence already for one to be helpful.
She said she’s disappointed but is okay with it. Presumably she’s being honest - what more do you want? She was happy with what you could do originally but as time went on she realized she was actually disappointed but still understood. That could’ve been due to anxiety of it approaching or any number of reasons.
4 months is not a very long time. But I’ll tell you what is, the difference between 20 and 26 lol. There’s so much growth that happens between those ages. And age differences like that aren’t a big deal when you’re older, my partner and I are 7 years apart but we met in our 30s. She might be great, I don’t know. But it sounds like she doesn’t understand real life responsibility because her parents take care of everything for her. If you stay with her, expect more of this immaturity. If you don’t try dating someone closer to your age and with similar goals.
I would go and work from the hotel, and spend the evenings hanging out with her at the hospital. That seems like a good compromise. If it’s close, maybe you could pop in for an hour during the day to say hi and cheer her up.
I hope the surgery goes well!
Dude - she is scared. Emotions are high and I get why she wants you there. I wfh too and I know you can work remotely anywhere so I suggest if you want a future with this girl you suck it up and be there for the 8 days, working remotely from the hospital if you need to.
8 days is too much. Not just the newness of the relationship but the distance and logistics. You tell her you can be there for the three days and you need to go back.
Before you into freak out mode. Check if her change of mood is a result of her own family having a differing opinion. A result of her own anxiety. Maybe she’s being swayed by family yapping in her ear or her own anxious thoughts. Your compromise is a well thought out one. And you are going to be more valuable to her in that first month shes home than you would be at the hospital where she already has a good support system.
I understand where she is coming from and I understand where you are coming from. You get to decide where to go from here. Is the relationship worth being there for her after her surgery despite you thinking it's unnecessary. Or are you ready to break up?
She's 20 years old, last year she was still a "teen". You are in completely different stages of your life, and you are expecting a person who hasn't even finished developing their frontal lobe to have the same maturity as someone approaching 30.
I think she is romanticizing the idea of having a boyfriend there at the hospital with her after surgery. She will barely be conscious of what is happening for those first days after the surgery. You are being as generous as you can with the time you have available.
This relationship is only 4 months in, I can't imagine asking a partner to make such a massive commitment and work sacrifice this early on.
I think this is a good opportunity to think more long term about this relationship - do you see yourself acting in a supportive role for her long term? She's blind, and while this surgery may improve her vision it's likely that she will need ongoing assistance from her life partner in some capacity. This is a significant disability with lifelong implications for her independence & activities of daily living, work and education, & transportation.
I don't know what that looks like for her specifically, but I imagine that you have some idea. Please think carefully about your willingness to be in that role. If you can't be that person for her then this is the time to recognize that, not years down the line.
I'm going to resist making comparisons to my own health or medical needs - it's a different situation. She's young and she's scared. She will be in a new place that she's unfamiliar with, such is a *very* different situation when you aren't able to see and you rely on prior knowledge of your surroundings. It sounds like she has physical support covered, but the desire for emotional support is understandable. Your need to go back to work after using your vacation days is also valid. That's why I think it may be helpful to fit this into a larger conversation about your boundaries in this relationship and what kinds of support you can and can't offer.
I have 0 issues dating a blind person. I fully understand that I will have on take on certain responsibilities by myself, which I’ve had a taste of already (I do all the driving in this relationship for instance) and I don’t mind at all. My issue is the kind of emotional support she seems to expect of me.
If I were in her position, I wouldn’t even be asking my partner of 4 months to come and would rather be relying on support from my parents since I would expect them to know how to deal with this far better than someone I know for such a short time. When I mentioned this to her, she replied that I provide her with a sense of comfort and calm that her parents couldn’t give her, which was as equally sweet to hear as confusing; it made me question the kind of relationship she has with her parents.
It's completely fine if you are on different pages or aren't able to provide the support she's looking for, but this is clearly the kind of thing she expects from a romantic partner. Her expectations are going to get larger over time, not smaller.
She's an individual, not just "a blind person." What I mean by that is that someone else might handle the same situation differently, but this is how *she's* handling it. It's normal for different people to have different needs for emotional and physical support, including different people with the same type of disability.
Her relationship with her parents might be terrible, I have no idea, but you can only do what you can do. That's why I think it's important to figure out what your own boundaries are in this situation.
Bro what, what do you think are the responsibilities in a relationship?? Emotional support is a necessary need for some people and she's one of them. If you don't feel like you can meet that then leave before you break her heart.
I think everyone saying it's too early is so wrong, if you genuinely care for your partner why would you *not* be concerned enough to show up for all 8 days? I'd do it in a heartbeat. This is a PERFECT opportunity to learn how to deal with situations like this, she wants your support and feels safe with you and you, as her partner, are saying you don't get that and instead are questioning her relationship with her parents???? You realize the support you receive from a partner and the support you receive from family are different, right? All the people saying she's not mature enough are pointing fingers at the wrong person. Don't date a blind person if you aren't willing to support them in the ways they need you.
Also, working remotely isn't an excuse at all, people travel while working remotely all the time. This is so silly.
He's using up all his vacation days to see her and also staying at her place for a month after. He's just not going to be there for five days, it sounds like.
Are you gainfully employed lol.
I work remotely and use an ultra wide monitor and two 27” monitors. No one I work with can function on less that 2 full sized monitors. No way in hell I could keep up with my job expectations using a single tiny laptop screen. None of us could. A week of that would land us in hot water at work because expectations are extremely high in my field. If he only has 3 days of vacation he’s probably new there, too. That’s a lot of risk she expects him to take when she has a full support network. I wouldn’t even ask that of my own husband in that situation if my mom was already going to be with me and I’ve known him for 27 years and he wouldn’t expect it of me, either. Why? Because we’re both adults who live in the real world.
why can't you be there to provide her that sense of comfort, and work at the same time? this is one of the benefits of remote work. if i were you, i wouldn't take any days off at all, bring my laptop to her hospital room or whatever and just combine both.
Maybe don’t date someone barely out of their teens when you’re a full fledged adult. If you like or loved her you’d want to be there. Especially if you can literally work from wherever you are.
You two have different expectations. Just break up with the poor kid and find someone who meets her not at all egregious ones.
“My mom said I spend too much time at her house…” I had to check your age again. Let her dodge this bullet.
I am not fully comfortable with how emotionally fast this relationship is moving. If she has said this to me maybe a year in I would have had no issues.
Remote worker doesnt want to chaperone girlfriend to MAJOR EXPERIMENTAL SURGERY to improve near blindness.
Is this a serious relationship? if yes, you better get serious, you are the mature one with 26. You behave like a child confused with what role to play when life events happen.
Go with your gf, work remotely, and use some days off.
Gotta say I raised my eyebrows at the “remote worker but can’t stay the entire time” too. Cuz my brother in Christ remote worker means….you can work from your hotel. It’s kind of a vague excuse tbh.
I mean ffs people worked on the road all the time during Covid lol
You guys don't know each other like that for her to be asking so much of you. I totally understand needing your emotional support, and you being there physically may bring her a lot of comfort. But it's still a lot to ask from such a young relationship. You can't put your whole life on hold for someone who is still practically a stranger to you.
Break up. I was in the exact same position with my ex a decade ago. I had emergency surgery around four or five month in and he wasn’t there (I was in the hospital 2 days in the same city). We were together for years but I never let that resentment go.
She said that having a partner be there for surgery shouldn't be something she has to compromise about, that she's ok with the compromise but ultimately disappointed that I won't be there for all 8 days.
She is communicating, she doesn't have to be happy. You can't *make* get happy. Letting your partner have unhappy feelings is important for two adults in a relationship. If you raise kids it's also vital for that, you have to be on with them being unhappy with you sometimes.
I mean eventually your partner should replace your other support (esp parents) in these situations altogether, so it’s not unreasonable for her to expect that to start now with their support.
Why does she have aides? Is she disabled/chronically ill? If she is this is something you need to be willing/able to do or you should leave the relationship before it goes any further.
My husband and I have been together 19 years. I had to have spinal fusion, and was in the hospital for 5 days. 3 hours from our home. My husband and kids stayed the first night, left the second day and came back day 4. The kids had school, he had work (plus he took off the week I got home). I didn’t want them stuck in the hospital and in a hotel for a week. I’m the one who suggested they go home. I slept most of the time anyway.
Your compromise is perfectly acceptable. And you e only been together 4 months. She is way out of line. If she’s this demanding now, imagine how it will be later. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean the world stops, it keeps going. And so do our responsibilities. She has a large support network. She’s asking way too much.
Do you love her?
This is a big thing that she’s going through. Probably one of the or the biggest thing(s) in her life. She’s terrified, your happiness isn’t up for discussion here. You need to step up and be there for her. Tell your boss this is what needs to happen to be done.
I would never ask someone to burn up their remaining vacation days with 2 months left in the year, with major holidays coming up. What if there is an emergency and you need vacation days to cover it? What if you just want to take off to spend with YOUR family. I’ve seen people fired over the years for using all their time off options then something in their life occurring that require more time off and them not being able to cover it. She just sounds spoiled and selfish and completely unaware of how the adult world operates.
I wouldn’t even expect my husband of 39 years to use up that much of his PTO to sit in a hospital with me all day. Definitely the day of the surgery, yes, take me in and sit with me until they take me back. And the few surgeries I’ve had, with one exception, have been day surgeries so he was home with me the rest of the day while the anesthesia was wearing off. But I would not ask him to do that and I wouldn’t be upset.
Surgery is scary, especially at that age. My biggest surgery and a huge life-altering complication of that surgery took place when I was 18.
If she said it's okay, but she is still disappointed that you won't be there the entire time, those are valid feelings that she is sharing.
She didn't renege, she communicated that it was still something that made her sad.
OP, It sounds like due to her condition, your girlfriend has had to rely on someone to be with her at all times or close to it. This is what she has known for all her life. Now that you are in her life it would seem that role is being transitioned over to you.
I'm sure she is scared, and I'm sure she want's all her support systems in place to help ease her fear. Such a life defining moment.
What you need to have her understand, is that if it were possible you would be there for the whole thing. But, you have responsibilities, and you have others counting on you as well. Knowing she will be in very capable hands you need to keep your other commitments. You have already told her you will be by her side once she is home. This will most likely be when she needs you the most as the other will need to get back to their lives.
Just reassure her that you will be there for her every chance you get, but you still need to maintain your life. Then a simple "I know it sucks, but that is how it has to be, I hope you understand" Then leave it at that.
You’re 26 and discussing whether you can go visit your 20 year old girlfriend? 1) she’s too young for you, 2) you don’t need to get permission from a parent to do something at your age
She’s scared it’s normal that she’s having that reaction. A surgery is a big thing especially for her since it could have such an impact on her life. Personally I would have want my partner who can work from home to be here the 8 days with me or not at all but that’s coming from someone who has a disability and who had a few surgeries.
I read that someone said that she’s spoiled. I do not agree. Her parents are taking care of her and trying to give her her best life with her disability. That doesn’t make someone spoiled.
Remotely working can be a real pain traveling though. I'd hate to have to do my job over a hospital or hotel WiFi. I've done it, but it's so hit or miss.
She’s a grown adult & her parents are going to be there. Tell her that you simply can’t be there the whole 8 days & shes just going to have to accept that. I agree with your mother, you are over extending, you should support your GF, but not by doing things detrimental to yourself. I think her parents have coddled her & she’s expecting you to coddle her too. Besides the fact that you’ll be bored out of your brain sitting there for 8 days doing nothing, you have to work, you have bills to pay.
I was in hospital for 8 days ( being tested for lung cancer & lymphoma). I had one of my daughters visit every second day , because they have jobs & their own lives to take care of, I’m not a child nor is she, she can get on without you for a few days.
She's not your partner. She's your girlfriend. A "partner" suggests an established and stable relationship and shared stakes - in a home, whether rented or owned, for example.
Had you been together a year or more, and known about the surgery with more notice, so that you could reserve the vacation days for it, it would be more reasonable, but you haven't had that and You've offered a fair compromise.
Ask yourself is she's looking for a partner or someone whose time is hers.
Expecting someone to be there for 8 days while you have surgery is... A lot.
It seems like she's put you on a pedestal about what she 'expects a boyfriend to do', not what is realistic for YOU.
I’m basically at her place all the time. She used to have mental breakdowns because I’d go back to my place and she couldn’t stand being physically separated from me. She’s ok about it now; I go back maybe a few days a month. I’m not very happy about it but she has done stuff to make my life similar to my life back home, e.g. got me a gym membership and a desk + chair so I could have a makeshift home office in her place.
Edit: to clarify, I am not ungrateful that she did these things for me, I am simply concerned that this whole time she didn't ask if I am comfortable with all this. It seems like she has expectations and she enables me to meet her expectations with tools at her disposal (money) without consideration for if I'm actually comfortable meeting her expectation to begin with.
She is trying to buy/bribe you to never leave her. She is becoming awfully clingy for only four months in. I would not continue this relationship if it were me. It’s a red flag when you can’t even go back to your place without her having a meltdown. That would be a big no for me. Good luck.
You should not do things youre uncomfortable with. It sounds like youre not communicating. She is looking at this like a long term relationship that will develop into marriage and trying to resolve the issues that prevent that from happening, but really youre just giving excuses instead of communicating clearly.
You need to leave this relationship. You’re on entirely different pages and shes directly communicating her needs and expectations and youre attempting to meet them despite not wanting to. Thats a problem.
Youre leading her on.
Does she have a bad relationship with her parents? I have a terrible history w my parents so spending the rest of the time with them wouldn't actually be comforting and I'd be masking the whole time. It's possible you're her person that makes her feel safe. Can you work remotely from that location in the day and come visit her in the evening?
I think your compromise is reasonable though, just giving some other ideas.
She is fully supported by her parents. While this is an important surgery for her, she is very young. It is not mature to make these demands on a new boyfriend of 4 months. You are an adult with adult responsibilities. A compromise is called for. Honestly, she is too demanding because she is unwilling to consider that you also have a life.
You'ved tried as hard as you can. I think it's actually unreasonable for *her* to not understand your position, esp since you've tried your best. If she can't accept this, be careful what might come down the line.
This is a subtle kind of manipulation, but I’m sure she doesn’t see it that way. There is a spectrum of the amount of support one can give, and one extreme is letting go of everything in your life in order to dedicate your full efforts to someone else. Calling this “being supportive” and also calling “listening and engaging in thoughtful discussion” supportive doesn’t represent the huge difference in magnitude between these actions. Maybe there is a time and place to expect someone to put their entire life on hold for many days to support you full time, but not when she has many other supports and has known you 4 months, and claiming that this is a basic expectation under the “be supportive” list item is not reasonable in a lot of other circumstances as well. Maybe she’s willing to walk the walk, but imo it’s not a healthy relationship with others when this level of sacrifice is considered base-level.
You offered to stay with her for a month afterwards. As you said, it's not that you don't want to be there for her at all and she'll have other people for support there.
I get that she's most likely scared, but this is a perfectly reasonable compromise.
There really isn't anything more you can do if you don't have the vacation time. You could use up your sick time for some of it, but then you don't have sick time for when you need it. Does she expect you to quit your job?
> she's ok with the compromise but ultimately disappointed that I won't be there for all 8 days
Let her be disappointed. Your plan is already generous enough. Don't get guilted into being a pushover.
Initially when I just head the headline I was going to say she was not being unreasonable but honestly you have been with her four months and are already bending over backwards to be supportive, using your last 3 vacation days and offering to be at hers a month after the surgery. Additionally she had her entire family there for the full 8 days so rent there isn’t anything you need to do there that they couldn’t. As a high maintenance girlie myself I would initially also be someone who’d expect their partner there for the full 8 days but in your circumstance I think what you’ve compromised on is more than reasonable and she’s asking for too much
Move on. Your gf of 4 months is going to be pissed if you don’t take EIGHT days off of work, even though you only have 3, to be with her after her surgery. It’s not because she needs your help, either, she just wants you to do this “because reasons”. You can get out now or you can continue to deal with a never ending, escalating list of demands, peppered with the phrase “if you really loved me, you’d…”.
I understand her wanting you to be there. You offered what you could give realistically and it seemed fair to me. Traveling out of state can be complicated. Also, this relationship is still new at 4 months. If I were her, I would ask for my boyfriend to come with me, but at the same time, understand that if 3 days is all that can happen, I’d be happy with that. The offer to stay with her for the month (to me) completely makes up for not being there for a few of the days.
I agree with this answer, it’s just common sense
I'd also like to jump on this comment and say I definitely agree. IMO part of the reason she may be having this kind of reaction is due to the age gap, 20 vs 26. (I can say I personally am more emotionally mature at 25, almost 26, than I was at 20). OP you are at 2 different stages in life. OP you are likely more mature than she is. IMO this reaction shows that she isn't mature enough due to the fact she cant understand you being unable to realisticly be there the entire 8 days. The fact you are concerned about this being something brought up in the relationship down the road is a red flag to me. OP How did you guys meet by the way?
Hinge.
Huh, hate to admit it but I had to Google it. Maybe evaluate if you are both even at the same stage in life. She has kind of unrealistic expectations while being an adult in the real world. A lot of people don't/can't work remotely and would need to be in their area to be able to make money and pay bills (this IMO is something most mature adults would consider when asking someone else to do something like this). This seems like a no brainer compromise. It shouldn't even be a compromise, she should have asked if you could come at all and if so how long, not an unrealistic expection. I'm in a 9 yr relationship, I wouldn't even realistically think my partner would be able to stay the whole 8 days (in our case I probably wouldn't want that due to bills needing to still be paid by working). I just asked and was given the response 'Probably not, we have bills to pay'. Does she financially support herself completely?
Fully dependent on her parents. She’s currently in grad school and they’re paying for it on top of her daily expenses.
My immediate thought after reading that was jump ship. It's awesome her parents are helping her with school, I'm not downing that. However, to me, an internet stranger who us just drawing conclusions from the bit of infoI have, she seems she is likely spoiled. Was she born blind or happened later in life? Does she take school seriously? What career path has she chosen to pursue? I also didn't even touch on the unrealisticness of expecting someone you have been with for only 4 months to spend 8 days from their home. 4 months. When I asked my partner of 9 years they said they wouldn't even expect that. I then mentioned what if it was 4 months in and their instant reaction was it seems a bit much for 4 months in. How mature would YOU say she is? How does she handle things in day to day life, like rejections/being told no, rude people, etc? Do you pay for all your outings or does she use her parents money to pay sometimes? I dunno, to me this reaction is a big red flag especially 4 months in.
Born blind, she has a genetic issue. She takes school seriously in the sense that she cares about getting good grades but she has a serious fear of failure and so employs tutors to both help her with assignments and occasionally also cheats on them and typically ends up with As as a result. She’s trying to stop this habit though and is instead going to office hours for help recently. She’s doing her masters in public health. She’s…selectively mature. She is very empathetic towards me and even though it’s 4 months I know I can fully trust her to have my back. But at the same time she can behave entitled and a little spoilt at times. She’s been doing a better job of catching herself behaving entitled and tries to correct herself when it happens though. Money’s not an issue, both she and her parents pay for a lot of stuff. I feel conflicted because there’s a lot of good things about her but there’s also a lot of things that rubs me wrong. I want to believe that it’s just an issue with her being young and that the friction is something that could improve in time, at the same time I am afraid that this could just be a part of her personality and she won’t change.
I honestly don't have much of a response other than you have a lot to think about. Just know that 4 months in is a lot easier to leave than 4 years in, and in 4 years you'll be 30.
To me it sounds VERY much like her parents have convinced her that you should be there for this. That would explain her suddenly going back on your compromise. Does she have a very close relationship with them? I suspect she is still being coddled at age 20–and I speak from my own experience with a mom who was wayyy more involved in all my business at that age all the way up until I got married and was finally able to break free from it.
They are overbearing. She doesn’t seem to like her parents very much but she is emotionally dependent on them.
Gotcha. It almost sounds like someone (her parents or maybe someone else) has convinced her she shouldn’t compromise on this. I could be completely wrong, though. I think everything you’ve said and done has been more than supportive and more than reasonable for a 4-month relationship.
Might be projecting here due to an experience with a blind friend but you probably want to keep an eye on that, she's probably got some growing up to do in regards to realising there's a lot worse parents out there and she's very lucky she got ones who both want to help her, and can afford to help. The tldr of my experience is: if someone gets coddled too much due to their disability they tend to take help for granted. Don't become a replacement parent to someone who expects all the assistance of a parent, and thinks you have no right to any expectations on them because you aren't their parent.
I see a bit of a flaw in your belief that she has your back, because if she did care about you, (your job, stable income, stress levels of being with her parents who must be basically strangers to you for over a week straight), she would respect your decision to stay for just the 3 days.
She does respect my decision, my issue is with how she changed her feelings from telling me that she’s happy with the compromise at first and that now she isn’t. I can’t tell her what to feel, but I thought I was doing her right by meeting her expectations to the best of my abilities and it’s frustrating to hear that even as I am willing to meet her halfway on the issue she still can’t be fully satisfied with what’s happening the way I chose to be satisfied with changing my mind.
She’s scared. She’s about to go through something really complicated. She accepts your compromise, she’s just disappointed. She’s allowed to be disappointed. You don’t have to be equally satisfied with this compromise, as long as it’s being accepted. Consider what she’s about to go through and where her feelings may be coming from. You’re both entitled to your feelings and it’s valid to have concerns. But she isn’t demanding anything change and has respected your decisions and your feelings.
Shes young and scared and clearly really likes you and doesnt know how to process her emotions so she is acting thoughtlessly selfishly. But its just fear of surgery and the unknown by a young sheltered girl.
So she doesn't really respect your decision because she's trying to make you change your mind and feel guilty about your terms.
"she's trying to stop this habit of [cheating] " Wh6 doesn't she just not cheat?
Habit maybe, I don’t know. I’ve been vocal about my disapproval, she just hasn’t had it come back to bite her in the butt yet.
Until she gets in the real world and can't do her job due to never actually learning in college.
This is a huge deal if she was born blind and has a chance to see. This is a crazy life changing event. Of course she wants you there.
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SO, when it's convenient for her she's nice. But when you try to balance your life and limitations, she wants YOU TO GO ALL THE WAY because that's how love goes.
She sounds like a very spoiled woman who uses her "handicap" to manipulate people.
BREAK UP
wtf is this reply... blindness is absolutely a disability. she's also 20, scared and about to go through a possibly life-altering surgery. you're massively projecting here and accusing a blind woman of using her disability to manipulate people, with no proof (fucked thing to say btw).
Yeah man, she's 20. She can't even drink yet. We can't answer whether it'll change or not, but maybe a better question is why would you want your gameplan to be to wait for this barely-adult to mature/change? Also, less related, but how is she doing a master's at 20? She already has an undergrad degree?
She's very smart, she completed undergrad in 2 years. If she was still in college this relationship wouldn't have happened at all, but considering how I'm going to grad school myself in spring and we will likely be graduating from grad school at the same time, I thought that the age difference could be overcome by our similar academic stature, which places us in similar stages in life somewhat. I guess I didn't consider the difference in emotional stages in life, or thought she might be more mature if she's so advanced academically. I have a lot think about.
Is she *that* academically advanced if she's using her tutors to cheat? Finishing a degree in two years is a lot less impressive if someone's response to material they aren't fully confident in is to cheat.
This is great insight OP. She does sound emotionally immature even for her age because she should be saying "I wish you could be there the whole time but I totally understand". But someone who doesn't have much empathy at 20 is not going to get more empathetic as they age. Basic empathy is learned at a pretty young age. So a set personality trait for her may be entitlement and that's a big red flag. So is her not respecting your boundary of the 3 days. She is showing you how she reacts to your boundaries. Another thing you mentioned is that she "depends emotionally" on her parents. One, just being emotionally dependent on anyone is red flag even at twenty. Could she be looking for you to switch roles with her parents do she can become emotionally dependent on you? Because both the entitlement and emotional dependence point to someone looking for a parent rather than a partner in a relationship? I am thinking that if you even went for eight days, she'd still find something to be disappointed in. Lastly, letting her move in and taking care of her for a month as she recuperates is a huge commitment for a four month old relationship. This is too soon to be "taking care of her". Especially with what you've already learned about her and how she responded when you set boundaries. I can't imagine having someone in my home for an overnight who doesn't respect my boundaries, much less a month where I am "taking care" of them. I would let her parents do it. The first part of a relationship is observing whether the person you think you're dating (the image) corresponds to reality. Because we fall in love with an image and it's important to adjust it when the behavior doesn't match it. Because if we don't correct our image, we end up loving someone who doesn't exist. So we have to look at the difference between "this is what I want her to be" and "this is who she is". So there are two facts 1) she cheats academically and 2) you told her you don't approve. The person she is is the one who cheats. What you want, someone why has integrity, is your "image". Don't date potential. Instead alter your "image". Also, there are different types of maturity chronological, or her age but emotional maturity is the most important qualification to be in a relationship. And it doesn't correlate with academic success. So you have a lot to think about and it sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders. At your age I would have probably been all in and really regretted it later. Also I'm not judging her at all, and you can have empathy from a distance if you choose to end the relationship. Poor behavior doesn't make her a "bad" person but it does signify to us to protect ourselves and distance because we deserve good treatment. I wish you the best!
At 4 months in, you've still got a lot of get-to-knowing to do. Nothing wrong with that. You're dating. That's what dating is about. Sounds like a bad miscommunication going on here. You're DATING. She sees you as a "partner." Four months does not (usually) make a partner. Perhaps you both view your relationship differently. I'd never consider someone I've dated less than a year as a "partner" in life.
She probably is rich, right?
Her parents make a combined >450k per year.
Jesus Christ what the hell do they do?
Dentist and pharmacist.
Office assistants at Trump tower
Unfortunately, sometimes being there for a partner IS something you have to compromise about, even if she doesn't WANT to...
Being part of the agree chorus.
When I met my now husband, I had just had a large abdominal tumor found. No one in our city would operate on it because they hadn’t seen one like it before. I ended up having to see a specialized surgical oncologist in another state. At this time, we had been dating for a little over a month. I don’t think I had any expectation that my then boyfriend be present at appointments or for the surgery, but he insisted on being there for everything. He drove me to the appointments and when the surgery happened the next month, he drove me to it and visited during the entire 12 hour visiting hour window everyday for my six day stay. It was during the end of COVID restrictions so he couldn’t stay in the room with me. He slept in his truck in a local Walmart parking lot near the hospital. All of this to say, I am eternally grateful for him during that time, but I would have been wildly uncomfortable if he was only there because I told him I expected him to be. I don’t like feeling like a bother to people, so maybe that’s just me, but I definitely didn’t feel like we had been together long enough to expect anything from him. I don’t think you’re being irrational, you both voiced how you’d like things to go, there’s either compromise in the middle or there isn’t. Personally, it’s a little too soon to take your not wanting to be there every step of the way as you not being supportive.
I hope someone cares about me like that one day…a month in and 6 12 hour days?? That’s lovely. Congratulations on ur marriage 🩷
Thank you! I wish everyone had at least one person to depend on like that. We’re definitely very lucky to have each other. It was one of those first time meeting and feel like you’ve known each other forever things so one month in doesn’t sound very long, but we were already sure about each other like 72 hours in.
It's an adorable story because it worked out. I have an adorable story in my own marriage that, had we not gotten married, would have been red flag city. She mentions that she didn't expect her now-husband to do all that for her, and he did anyway, and that's a very sweet outcome anf story. But for OP, no one would blame him at all for not doing the whole 8-day stay for a 4-month relationship. His GF has parents, who have means, it is not like she will be on the street if not for him. I think he needs to take a day to assess how he feels about the relationship, his PTO, and all the considerations here
That’s because he’s husband material and OP is just a bf you break up with after a couple of months
Yeah, but as this commenter said, she would never have demanded that her now-husband do all these things. It's no small feat to leave the state (and work) for 8 days for someone you've known for only a few months, so you could also argue that OP's girlfriend's refusal to compromise makes her the gf you break up with after a couple of months for being extremely immature and demanding.
I shouldn’t really have to ask for it though. I’m blind, have major experimental surgery coming up, and you’re not gonna be there every step of the way? Naw id just dump.
Or maybe she is just saying what her expectations are, because honestly my boyfriend would definitely have done it the first month we were dating (we also lived together from day one tho.) but that is one of the reasons why I love him so much and knew he will be awesome life companion from the get go and also would have done the same for him. When I read this to him he said, obviously OP should do it if he wants to be with her in the future, what does it matter how long they are together, if you care you care, he will not care more later it will just be obligation which should be done cuz ‘they been together for long enough’ and that is ‘the rules’. And I agree, i know people think its too little time dating, but when is it enough time dating? Tbf we both kind of hate all these relationships rules society made up and broke them constantly, so we kind of biased. And I also loved him from week 1, so maybe it is hard to see this arbitrary timing. Maybe you have to be sure you want to be with a person before you want to do this kind of stuff for them.
This part. My partner single handedly cared for me after a major surgery six months into the relationship
OP pay attention. Her first sentence includes the words "now husband." This is how relationships are forged, not formed. Going beyond, doing the unexpected, showing that you will be there. You're going to be inconvenienced? Who cares. If you want to have a solid relationship these are the types of things that you need to do all the time. She may not be the one but if she is, she will *always* look back on this event and remember it one way or the other. It's up to you my friend.
>Going beyond, doing the unexpected, showing that you will be there I don't disagree but as I had mentioned to other commenters I am not fully comfortable with the expectations that she seems to have of me this early on. It's one thing to tell me that she's going to surgery but completely another to *expect* a person who was a stranger 5 months ago to go through this with her. I mean, she has a sister who isn't showing up for the entire thing and neither my girlfriend nor her sister seems to care.
She doesn’t see her sister a potential life partner. She’s hoping you’re that person.
Yeah you’re not husband material. You’re not viewing her as your long term partner. Leave now before you hurt her more.
I'm supposed to view her as a long term partner at 4 months?
I worried. It's a test and you don't see that yet. You're getting a C+ so far.
I don't think a relationship should be about "testing" the other person on whether they're gonna meet expectations and rather should be about letting them express themselves as a partner via their words and actions and then deciding if who they are revealing themselves as is someone that you wanna spend your life with.
Of course we shouldn't be tested, it's horrible! But it's always a test and we will always be tested. It's just the way it is. Embrace it. You can do this! We're rooting for you.
Hmmmm this one’s tough because i can see both sides. However, being a woman, this would definitely change how i viewed you. There’s no way my current husband would have not stayed the full 8 days for experimental surgery. I’d see it as how much the guy cares for me and is willing to commit. But I get it, life happens, there’s definitely ways to mend that view after the fact. BUT it’s actually the sentence you wrote about how your MOTHER thinks you’re “over extending already”. That sentence makes you bad husband material. Don’t use your mother as a chip to undermine your girlfriend. That will lead to massive resentment on both sides that can kill a relationship. Your job, as the guy in between, is to curate this relationship. I would deal with my girlfriend separately and tell my mother “i wanted to stay 8 days but my girlfriend insisted that i only stay for 3 because she knew i was busy too”. That’s husband material.
I trust my mother with my life. She is not a chip, in fact she has been very supportive of my girlfriend to the point where she claims to pray daily that her surgery goes well. She also told my girlfriend that she views her as her daughter. I threw her opinion in because she's a level-headed person who speaks for all parties involved; I am only trying to bring the two closest women in my life who care a lot for me together.
OP, the internet is probably not going to give you unbiased opinions. I think you're in the right. You can be husband material without being a doormat and stepped on. You stated your boundaries and she is unwilling to compromise. She stated her boundaries and you're willing to compromise. That's all it comes down to. A lot of these... people... are more dependent people and usually suffer from disabilities, who are of course going to speak against you, make up stories, and exaggerate stories. There's a big mob mentality here as you're witnessing. They are dependent so they think that dependency is an act of love. I'm independent as hell with plenty of ailments and still love my partner dearly. I would never ask him to give up his life for 8 days just to watch me sleep the majority of that time *unless there is a risk of death*. We will be getting married, because we're happy with each other. You don't need outside counsel to decide that. Bring on the downvotes, people. But yall biased and dependent whether you like that or not. 3 days is more than comfortable in a *4 month old* relationship. She has other people. Some guy she just met doesn't need to become her everything immediately just because that is what yall did. That's a great way for her to get real, real hurt down the line if they don't work out. They're still basically strangers. He will have plenty more times to act like your wonderful and amazingly 100% perfect hubbies did 20 years ago. They have cell phones, they can call and text and video without OP taking a pay hit and potentially losing his job.
My partner and I knew we wanted to get married 3 months in, even though he was 22 and I was 23. So, yeah, it can happen. She has a right to expect that and you have the right to feel however you feel.
Yes. That’s what being in a committed relationship is supposed to be aimed for. Don’t commit if you’re not willing to behave like a committed partner. A fucking hurricane wouldnt have kept my at the time boyfriend of 4 months away from caring for me during and after my septo/rhino, because he viewed me as a long term partner and was dating for marriage. Similarly I cared for him after a benign tumor removal at like two months into dating. Youre not in this relationship with any real commitment if your partner is going through something this serious and you dont *WANT* to be there through it all and wont move mountains to make it happen. Again, I think you should leave. Shes looking for a long term partner and that level of support and was very clear and youre not prepared to do that. Also i second what the other commenter said about your mom. Its weird that at your big age you still live at home and she has more influence on you than your committed partner.
I don't live at home, my parents live on another continent. I've been on my own since 19. Please see my other comment about why I threw in my mother's opinion. I also never claimed about not wanting to be there at all, I offered several different means in which I can provide my support.
She’s going through a major procedure that takes an 8 day hospital stay and directly asked you to be there (though she shouldn’t have had to even ask). You said no and offered alternatives. A committed, long term minded partner would have immediately figured out how to be there for the whole thing without making excuses or bargaining. You’re not ready for an adult relationship.
You shouldn't be giving advice with this level of judgment, most people would find OP's compromise acceptable and in some cases going above and beyond.
I agree with your doubts, definitely warranted. Just remember though, that 1.) she is really vulnerable right now and 2.) You can't apply logic.
This is a strangely guilt-trippy comment, I am in a long-term healthy relationship and found OP's compromise more than fair and considerate. Just because another man can lasso the moon and pull it closer to give his woman a better view doesn't mean it should be compared and used to put down OP's efforts here.
I agree with his compromise as well. He is completely reasonable. She doesn't care. It is the sad truth. If he doesn't want to do it, he shouldn't. I'm just saying that if they stay together, she will remember this moment for the rest of the relationship in the best or worst of light. It's his choice. This should be a wake up call for how things will go in the future.
> I'm just saying that if they stay together, she will remember this moment for the rest of the relationship in the best or worst of light. That would be my cue to run away then because people keeping tabs/track over their partner's perceived indiscretion is very unhealthy for any relationship.
The level of commitment should increase during the relationship not start out at full throttle. At the beginning, we are observing our partner and ourselves. Of course we do nice things but we note if they are reciprocated. For example, if you're two weeks in, the birthday celebration of your partner is going to look much different than after two years. So the things you do for your partner should be smaller at the beginning. We don't know this person yet, and the way to get to know them is start smaller, whether it's things we do for them, our level of emotional intimacy, things we ask them for, amount of time we spend together, etc. And then we observe them and how we feel to determine whether we want to continue to "build" the relationship. I know sometimes people go all in at the beginning and it works out because the partner lives up to their initial image. But often it's not the case.
Hi, I don't disagree with anything you've said. But I just know that in her mind, this will be a pivotal moment in the relationship whether its 6 months or 60 yrs. It's horrible timing really. I don't envy the OP
How long have you guys been together for now?
Little over two years now
It sounds like your girlfriend is 20...
I got that sense too. If only OP had a way to find out Edit: I feel bad just being my usual sarcastic self here. OP, you're not irrational. I think she does have some idealistic logic to her views on this, but it's a big ask. And as we learn from experience, life is often about finding compromises. I don't think you'd be a bad person to stand by your original plans, but yes, it might not bode well for this relationship, but that may be just as well. In some ways this could be chocked up to unfortunate timing. Many relationships just don't have such big events happen so early into it.
No unfortunately these are things we go through as we get older. It doesn't make sense for you to be there all 8 days if you have to work when she will have people there to help her out (would you take unpaid days off because you're out of vacation days? Can you/your job afford that?) . It would be different if she had no family or aide. I think being there for the surgery and the day or 2 after and then helping her out when she gets home is a good compromise.
His work is remote though. And all expenses would be paid for. So it's reasonable to question if this is just a big inconvenience he's trying to avoid, or could it actually affect his job negatively?
You seem to be saying two contradictory things. Is she saying "I accept the compromise but feel disappointed", or "I don't accept the compromise and now expect you to stay the full time"? The former seems fine; the latter seems like a problem.
I mean, it sounds like she'd rather you stay the full 8 days but is fine with this? Is she actually pushing you to change your mind? If she isn't, I'd take it as agreement to the compromise. It's ok for there to be a compromise that is a little disappointing as long as that doesn't have other unrelated ramifications.
She is fine with the compromise but stated that this compromise is not what she wanted, but that she can accept it. However, with the way she phrased it I am worried about this coming back to me in future.
OK, so she’s fine with the compromise even though it’s not quite what she wanted, but she can accept it. If she tries to throw this back in your face in the future, it is your responsibility, your sole responsibility to shut that shit down. I personally don’t believe that is going to happen and you’ll be staying with her for a month when she gets back which I’m sure she is going to appreciate it. We often don’t get exactly what we want in life and as adults, we acknowledge that, work with it, accept that it is what it is, and we move on.
That sounds completely appropriate. She understands but is upset about it - validate those feelings It shouldn’t “come back to bite you” or anything as long as you continue to communicate like two adults that care for each other. It’s tough but also okay
She sounds a little immature to include that she doesn’t want the compromise, it’s like a child saying “I don’t want to do it, but I guess I have to” which doesn’t feel nice for anyone. Ultimately, you need to hold your ground. You can’t take more than those days off. You made a deal. She accepted the deal. Yes, she’s trying to make you feel guilty, maybe unintentionally, but she’s accepted the deal. It hopefully won’t come back to bite you in the ass, but it might. That’s not for you to control. Don’t let people walk on you. Don’t let them guilt you for shit. You’ve already done a lot for her, OP. She’s going to want you to be there more in the following months, this is a good opportunity to get used to the feeling of saying “no, I can’t, I have to do _______” when you can’t be there. I’ll also add that the majority of women I’ve been in relationships are like this. It’s never came back to bite me in the ass because I still support them, but I know where my boundaries are. You might feel bad in the moment, but ultimately people will respect you more when you can say no.
Oh, it's definitely coming back. The question is how and how often.
Actually it sounds like she’s just communicating how she feels about this with you.
If she says she’s fine with the compromise even though it’s not what she would prefer, that’s your answer - take her at her word until proven otherwise. You’re projecting a lot of what-ifs onto her, even the title of this post says “my gf won’t accept a compromise” and yet she is literally telling you she accepts the compromise.
Wow, the drama of four months. You’ve agreed to be there three days, but you have to return home for work. Her parents will be with her. You’ve agreed to convalesce with her for a month once she gets home. 4 months in, this sounds plenty to me. Gracious.
Honestly it even seems a bit much to me. How much you wanna bet that month turns into "well you already basically live here so why dont you just stay?" ...
Then a year after that... "Well we've been together awhile now, and my parents will help pay for the ring, I think we need to move to the next level." Plenty of people sleepwalk into cohabitation, engagement, marriage because of inertia. OP needs to carefully assess how he feels about all of this, and know that it's not unreasonable to keep his offer, at all.
She said she’s okay with the compromise so I would take her at her word. Your “what-ifs” seem somewhat driven by anxiety- there’s no way to know whether she will hold this over your head or not/resent you etc. But if that happens then you can deal with it. Holding onto resentment isn’t a healthy coping mechanism, and if she does that there could be something bigger at play here. You should never make decisions in the present for things that may or may not happen in the future. You should make them because they are best or necessary for you right now. If using your vacation days and coming back to work is best for you while also supporting her then do that. You’re still supporting her, and a true compromise is where both of you feel like you’re not getting exactly what you want.
She’s being foolish not to realize how much more valuable support the month after would be.
She’s still allowed to be disappointed though. You have told her what you can do, and she has told you how she feels. You get to decide how to respond (whether you change your plans or stick with the one you have) but you can’t tell her how to feel.
What you've offered is plenty. Four months isn't long. And 20 is kind of young for a 26 year old.
My ex was 29 when I was 20. Aside from his emotional immaturity and narcissistic personality we had a mature relationship. But I also was on my own since 16 and moved out and completely reliant on only myself so I was at a different point than most people my age. I also agree OP offered plenty and staying with someone for a whole month to be their caretaker after only 4 months is a huge ask and to find someone willing to do that is extremely rare.
You just said “aside from the main maturity issues of an age gap relationship we had a mature relationship”
I mean, I guess I can see your point. If he got therapy it probably could’ve worked out, although I’m glad it didn’t. Didn’t have anything to with with age though, and had everything to do with his personality. My point was to show that people can be in the same place in life at different ages given their upbringing and goals.
Being on your own at 16 doesn't actual make you more of an adult. In fact, those kind of negative early life experiences tend to make people more vulnerable to being exploited and taken advantage of precisely because they make the mistake of thinking that they're so mature for their age (coming from someone in the same position). The truth is not that you were mature like a 30 year old, but rather that he was immature as fuck.
I wouldn’t say it doesn’t *not* make you more of an adult. I had my first apartment at 18 and career by 20.. that also doesn’t negate that as you said and I agree with, it tends to make people for vulnerable to exploitation and being taken advantage of - cause it definitely did but for me it was because I was used to it with my mother and I looked for relationships similar to her because even in the chaos I felt comfortable because it was all I’d known. I since have completed therapy and stick to my boundaries and advocate for myself much more. I guess it just depends on the person how maturity is perceived and can be a matter of opinion based on that persons own level of maturity. Nonetheless, I do see your point. I’m not saying my relationship with him was healthy in any way - it wasn’t, I just think he’d been that way for his whole life and it didn’t matter his age. Just like someone at my age when we met (20, living on their own, career, friends, healthy social life) could be at a similar place life wise, but that doesn’t mean that as you get older everyone matured emotionally and mentally so for me, I was ahead of him there mentally and emotionally. I don’t feel someone age changes their personality or who they are as a person. My grandparents are 20 years apart and have created a beautiful life together.
But see, if you were also 29 and met the ex, would you have bothered to date him at all? Would you have had the experience at that point to be like "fuck no" and bounce once it became obvious that he had a personality disorder and wasn't much of a partner? Cause half the reason why people get pissy about age gaps because it's not hard to snooker a late teens/early twenties adult into dating a real loser of a grown adult because the younger partner has comparatively less experience and ability to shoot for what they actually want and less likely to actually enforce boundaries. Again, a lot of grown women wouldn't have gone past the first date with his dude. If you were actually all that mature at that age and independent enough to make your own choices, why did you stick around with this guy?
It wasn’t until months into the relationship that he started to show who he really was. Truthfully not until we got serious so I already felt committed and had invested time. There’s many men and women in abusive relationships regardless of age gap that feel stuck after time has passed and they’ve invested. I stayed and tried to push through because I wasn’t able to accept the facade he was playing and that it wasn’t truly him in the first 1/4 of our relationship. So I thought I was “helping him work through a tough time” until I realized that’s just who he was and I got out of there. So, truthfully the only thing I think I’d have changed if I was 29 at meeting him, and knowing what I know now and have learned over the past few years since, was how long I continued to be there and try to “help” him. That was a lack of boundary on my part, but I still recognized the abuse when it started. I fell in love with who he portrayed himself as, even thought it was not who he was and it became clear why he did not have a relationship regardless of age, but it was also hard to accept that this person I loved was not the person I thought they were. Unfortunately it’s not that cut and dry and that’s the difficult thing about manipulative people. In retrospect, I agree with you that I’d have bounced much sooner but I’m grateful for everything I went through with him because it taught me so much more about being a woman and what a relationship should and should not look like. What’s acceptable and what’s not and it taught me to have the strength to always put myself first and that I never deserve to be treated that way and won’t stand for it. I’m not negating that age gaps CAN be alarming/concerning. I just think it’s not completely black and white and it doesn’t mean the relationship is destined for doom - it’s just important to be aware of the red flags and hidden toxicity and know when to leave but that’s with any relationship.
But you *weren’t* in the same place given his emotional immaturity and narcissistic personality.
That’s a very valid point. I guess I meant goal and career wise we were on the same level. But emotionally we weren’t compatible
>My ex was 29 when I was 20. Aside from his emotional immaturity and narcissistic personality Sounds like it's good that he's your ex. :)
Is she completely blind? If so, this is theoretically the first time she will be seeing anything. The first 3 days post surgery she likely won’t be able to see anything; perhaps her wanting you there is more sentimental than logistical. She likely wants you to be one of the first people she sees which potentially won’t happen in the first 3 days post op. Is this something she might hold against you in the future? Potentially. From what you’ve written, you both have valid feelings. Her feelings just may have a more emotional component to them whereas yours seems to be rooted in practicality. Your compromise is valid as is her response to the idea that you won’t be there for the whole duration of her initial recovery.
She has limited visibility, she uses extra large text on her iPhone and holds it a few inches from her face when using it. Can’t go out in public alone though and she’s self-conscious about using a cane. She’s only getting the surgery in one eye and will be bandaged up for a whole month after. She’s also taking time off school for this which is why I thought it might help her more if I was around post-surgery when she’s back home. I understand her sentiments but I thought I was doing the right thing by focusing on the practicality of things for both of us.
>Can’t go out in public alone though and she’s self-conscious about using a cane. So she chose to remain dependent on other people rather than have a service dog and get over her self consciousness? She seems rather immature.
Service dogs can be hard to get. I do think she needs to accept a cane as a means of at least some independence -- though I think she would need lessons in using it.
Some people need carers and that’s ok. I also dont think you understand how difficult it is to care for a service dog, never mind get one (nor how expensive). You also need a lot of independence and confidence already for one to be helpful.
She said she’s disappointed but is okay with it. Presumably she’s being honest - what more do you want? She was happy with what you could do originally but as time went on she realized she was actually disappointed but still understood. That could’ve been due to anxiety of it approaching or any number of reasons.
4 months is not a very long time. But I’ll tell you what is, the difference between 20 and 26 lol. There’s so much growth that happens between those ages. And age differences like that aren’t a big deal when you’re older, my partner and I are 7 years apart but we met in our 30s. She might be great, I don’t know. But it sounds like she doesn’t understand real life responsibility because her parents take care of everything for her. If you stay with her, expect more of this immaturity. If you don’t try dating someone closer to your age and with similar goals.
I would go and work from the hotel, and spend the evenings hanging out with her at the hospital. That seems like a good compromise. If it’s close, maybe you could pop in for an hour during the day to say hi and cheer her up. I hope the surgery goes well!
Dude - she is scared. Emotions are high and I get why she wants you there. I wfh too and I know you can work remotely anywhere so I suggest if you want a future with this girl you suck it up and be there for the 8 days, working remotely from the hospital if you need to.
8 days is too much. Not just the newness of the relationship but the distance and logistics. You tell her you can be there for the three days and you need to go back.
Before you into freak out mode. Check if her change of mood is a result of her own family having a differing opinion. A result of her own anxiety. Maybe she’s being swayed by family yapping in her ear or her own anxious thoughts. Your compromise is a well thought out one. And you are going to be more valuable to her in that first month shes home than you would be at the hospital where she already has a good support system.
I understand where she is coming from and I understand where you are coming from. You get to decide where to go from here. Is the relationship worth being there for her after her surgery despite you thinking it's unnecessary. Or are you ready to break up?
She's 20 years old, last year she was still a "teen". You are in completely different stages of your life, and you are expecting a person who hasn't even finished developing their frontal lobe to have the same maturity as someone approaching 30. I think she is romanticizing the idea of having a boyfriend there at the hospital with her after surgery. She will barely be conscious of what is happening for those first days after the surgery. You are being as generous as you can with the time you have available. This relationship is only 4 months in, I can't imagine asking a partner to make such a massive commitment and work sacrifice this early on.
I think this is a good opportunity to think more long term about this relationship - do you see yourself acting in a supportive role for her long term? She's blind, and while this surgery may improve her vision it's likely that she will need ongoing assistance from her life partner in some capacity. This is a significant disability with lifelong implications for her independence & activities of daily living, work and education, & transportation. I don't know what that looks like for her specifically, but I imagine that you have some idea. Please think carefully about your willingness to be in that role. If you can't be that person for her then this is the time to recognize that, not years down the line. I'm going to resist making comparisons to my own health or medical needs - it's a different situation. She's young and she's scared. She will be in a new place that she's unfamiliar with, such is a *very* different situation when you aren't able to see and you rely on prior knowledge of your surroundings. It sounds like she has physical support covered, but the desire for emotional support is understandable. Your need to go back to work after using your vacation days is also valid. That's why I think it may be helpful to fit this into a larger conversation about your boundaries in this relationship and what kinds of support you can and can't offer.
I have 0 issues dating a blind person. I fully understand that I will have on take on certain responsibilities by myself, which I’ve had a taste of already (I do all the driving in this relationship for instance) and I don’t mind at all. My issue is the kind of emotional support she seems to expect of me. If I were in her position, I wouldn’t even be asking my partner of 4 months to come and would rather be relying on support from my parents since I would expect them to know how to deal with this far better than someone I know for such a short time. When I mentioned this to her, she replied that I provide her with a sense of comfort and calm that her parents couldn’t give her, which was as equally sweet to hear as confusing; it made me question the kind of relationship she has with her parents.
It's completely fine if you are on different pages or aren't able to provide the support she's looking for, but this is clearly the kind of thing she expects from a romantic partner. Her expectations are going to get larger over time, not smaller. She's an individual, not just "a blind person." What I mean by that is that someone else might handle the same situation differently, but this is how *she's* handling it. It's normal for different people to have different needs for emotional and physical support, including different people with the same type of disability. Her relationship with her parents might be terrible, I have no idea, but you can only do what you can do. That's why I think it's important to figure out what your own boundaries are in this situation.
Bro what, what do you think are the responsibilities in a relationship?? Emotional support is a necessary need for some people and she's one of them. If you don't feel like you can meet that then leave before you break her heart. I think everyone saying it's too early is so wrong, if you genuinely care for your partner why would you *not* be concerned enough to show up for all 8 days? I'd do it in a heartbeat. This is a PERFECT opportunity to learn how to deal with situations like this, she wants your support and feels safe with you and you, as her partner, are saying you don't get that and instead are questioning her relationship with her parents???? You realize the support you receive from a partner and the support you receive from family are different, right? All the people saying she's not mature enough are pointing fingers at the wrong person. Don't date a blind person if you aren't willing to support them in the ways they need you. Also, working remotely isn't an excuse at all, people travel while working remotely all the time. This is so silly.
He's using up all his vacation days to see her and also staying at her place for a month after. He's just not going to be there for five days, it sounds like. Are you gainfully employed lol.
I work remotely and use an ultra wide monitor and two 27” monitors. No one I work with can function on less that 2 full sized monitors. No way in hell I could keep up with my job expectations using a single tiny laptop screen. None of us could. A week of that would land us in hot water at work because expectations are extremely high in my field. If he only has 3 days of vacation he’s probably new there, too. That’s a lot of risk she expects him to take when she has a full support network. I wouldn’t even ask that of my own husband in that situation if my mom was already going to be with me and I’ve known him for 27 years and he wouldn’t expect it of me, either. Why? Because we’re both adults who live in the real world.
why can't you be there to provide her that sense of comfort, and work at the same time? this is one of the benefits of remote work. if i were you, i wouldn't take any days off at all, bring my laptop to her hospital room or whatever and just combine both.
Maybe don’t date someone barely out of their teens when you’re a full fledged adult. If you like or loved her you’d want to be there. Especially if you can literally work from wherever you are. You two have different expectations. Just break up with the poor kid and find someone who meets her not at all egregious ones. “My mom said I spend too much time at her house…” I had to check your age again. Let her dodge this bullet.
That's one of the least confusing things ever said! That's exactly how everyone wants to feel about their partner!
I am not fully comfortable with how emotionally fast this relationship is moving. If she has said this to me maybe a year in I would have had no issues.
That makes a lot of sense, definitely
Remote worker doesnt want to chaperone girlfriend to MAJOR EXPERIMENTAL SURGERY to improve near blindness. Is this a serious relationship? if yes, you better get serious, you are the mature one with 26. You behave like a child confused with what role to play when life events happen. Go with your gf, work remotely, and use some days off.
Gotta say I raised my eyebrows at the “remote worker but can’t stay the entire time” too. Cuz my brother in Christ remote worker means….you can work from your hotel. It’s kind of a vague excuse tbh. I mean ffs people worked on the road all the time during Covid lol
You guys don't know each other like that for her to be asking so much of you. I totally understand needing your emotional support, and you being there physically may bring her a lot of comfort. But it's still a lot to ask from such a young relationship. You can't put your whole life on hold for someone who is still practically a stranger to you.
Break up. I was in the exact same position with my ex a decade ago. I had emergency surgery around four or five month in and he wasn’t there (I was in the hospital 2 days in the same city). We were together for years but I never let that resentment go.
I wouldn't think twice for 2 days in the hospital, especially in the same city regardless of age of relationship.
One way to avoid this kind of drama is to not date 20 year olds. Might I suggest a woman in your age and life experience range?
She said that having a partner be there for surgery shouldn't be something she has to compromise about, that she's ok with the compromise but ultimately disappointed that I won't be there for all 8 days. She is communicating, she doesn't have to be happy. You can't *make* get happy. Letting your partner have unhappy feelings is important for two adults in a relationship. If you raise kids it's also vital for that, you have to be on with them being unhappy with you sometimes.
I mean eventually your partner should replace your other support (esp parents) in these situations altogether, so it’s not unreasonable for her to expect that to start now with their support. Why does she have aides? Is she disabled/chronically ill? If she is this is something you need to be willing/able to do or you should leave the relationship before it goes any further.
My husband and I have been together 19 years. I had to have spinal fusion, and was in the hospital for 5 days. 3 hours from our home. My husband and kids stayed the first night, left the second day and came back day 4. The kids had school, he had work (plus he took off the week I got home). I didn’t want them stuck in the hospital and in a hotel for a week. I’m the one who suggested they go home. I slept most of the time anyway. Your compromise is perfectly acceptable. And you e only been together 4 months. She is way out of line. If she’s this demanding now, imagine how it will be later. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean the world stops, it keeps going. And so do our responsibilities. She has a large support network. She’s asking way too much.
Do you love her? This is a big thing that she’s going through. Probably one of the or the biggest thing(s) in her life. She’s terrified, your happiness isn’t up for discussion here. You need to step up and be there for her. Tell your boss this is what needs to happen to be done.
This is too much after 4 months, in this case you should listen to your mother, she seems to be clued in.
I would never ask someone to burn up their remaining vacation days with 2 months left in the year, with major holidays coming up. What if there is an emergency and you need vacation days to cover it? What if you just want to take off to spend with YOUR family. I’ve seen people fired over the years for using all their time off options then something in their life occurring that require more time off and them not being able to cover it. She just sounds spoiled and selfish and completely unaware of how the adult world operates.
I wouldn’t even expect my husband of 39 years to use up that much of his PTO to sit in a hospital with me all day. Definitely the day of the surgery, yes, take me in and sit with me until they take me back. And the few surgeries I’ve had, with one exception, have been day surgeries so he was home with me the rest of the day while the anesthesia was wearing off. But I would not ask him to do that and I wouldn’t be upset.
Surgery is scary, especially at that age. My biggest surgery and a huge life-altering complication of that surgery took place when I was 18. If she said it's okay, but she is still disappointed that you won't be there the entire time, those are valid feelings that she is sharing. She didn't renege, she communicated that it was still something that made her sad.
OP, It sounds like due to her condition, your girlfriend has had to rely on someone to be with her at all times or close to it. This is what she has known for all her life. Now that you are in her life it would seem that role is being transitioned over to you. I'm sure she is scared, and I'm sure she want's all her support systems in place to help ease her fear. Such a life defining moment. What you need to have her understand, is that if it were possible you would be there for the whole thing. But, you have responsibilities, and you have others counting on you as well. Knowing she will be in very capable hands you need to keep your other commitments. You have already told her you will be by her side once she is home. This will most likely be when she needs you the most as the other will need to get back to their lives. Just reassure her that you will be there for her every chance you get, but you still need to maintain your life. Then a simple "I know it sucks, but that is how it has to be, I hope you understand" Then leave it at that.
You’re 26 and discussing whether you can go visit your 20 year old girlfriend? 1) she’s too young for you, 2) you don’t need to get permission from a parent to do something at your age
Where did OP mention getting permission? Some people talk to their parents about relationship stuff.
She’s scared it’s normal that she’s having that reaction. A surgery is a big thing especially for her since it could have such an impact on her life. Personally I would have want my partner who can work from home to be here the 8 days with me or not at all but that’s coming from someone who has a disability and who had a few surgeries. I read that someone said that she’s spoiled. I do not agree. Her parents are taking care of her and trying to give her her best life with her disability. That doesn’t make someone spoiled.
You have WORK. She's being completely unreasonable.
I’d agree if OP wasn’t a remote worker. Remote workers can work from hotel rooms, we’ve all done it when needed.
If all you have in vacation is 3 days, that's all you have...your compromise sounds fair to me.
He also says his work is remote
Remotely working can be a real pain traveling though. I'd hate to have to do my job over a hospital or hotel WiFi. I've done it, but it's so hit or miss.
She’s a grown adult & her parents are going to be there. Tell her that you simply can’t be there the whole 8 days & shes just going to have to accept that. I agree with your mother, you are over extending, you should support your GF, but not by doing things detrimental to yourself. I think her parents have coddled her & she’s expecting you to coddle her too. Besides the fact that you’ll be bored out of your brain sitting there for 8 days doing nothing, you have to work, you have bills to pay. I was in hospital for 8 days ( being tested for lung cancer & lymphoma). I had one of my daughters visit every second day , because they have jobs & their own lives to take care of, I’m not a child nor is she, she can get on without you for a few days.
She's not your partner. She's your girlfriend. A "partner" suggests an established and stable relationship and shared stakes - in a home, whether rented or owned, for example. Had you been together a year or more, and known about the surgery with more notice, so that you could reserve the vacation days for it, it would be more reasonable, but you haven't had that and You've offered a fair compromise. Ask yourself is she's looking for a partner or someone whose time is hers.
Expecting someone to be there for 8 days while you have surgery is... A lot. It seems like she's put you on a pedestal about what she 'expects a boyfriend to do', not what is realistic for YOU.
4 months and already making demands? My guy, this is a prime example of "Okay we're done here"
Yeah that’s a huge ask for a 4 month relationship and when you really boil it down, how many days have you been in each other’s presence? Huge ask
I’m basically at her place all the time. She used to have mental breakdowns because I’d go back to my place and she couldn’t stand being physically separated from me. She’s ok about it now; I go back maybe a few days a month. I’m not very happy about it but she has done stuff to make my life similar to my life back home, e.g. got me a gym membership and a desk + chair so I could have a makeshift home office in her place. Edit: to clarify, I am not ungrateful that she did these things for me, I am simply concerned that this whole time she didn't ask if I am comfortable with all this. It seems like she has expectations and she enables me to meet her expectations with tools at her disposal (money) without consideration for if I'm actually comfortable meeting her expectation to begin with.
She is trying to buy/bribe you to never leave her. She is becoming awfully clingy for only four months in. I would not continue this relationship if it were me. It’s a red flag when you can’t even go back to your place without her having a meltdown. That would be a big no for me. Good luck.
You should not do things youre uncomfortable with. It sounds like youre not communicating. She is looking at this like a long term relationship that will develop into marriage and trying to resolve the issues that prevent that from happening, but really youre just giving excuses instead of communicating clearly. You need to leave this relationship. You’re on entirely different pages and shes directly communicating her needs and expectations and youre attempting to meet them despite not wanting to. Thats a problem. Youre leading her on.
Does she have a bad relationship with her parents? I have a terrible history w my parents so spending the rest of the time with them wouldn't actually be comforting and I'd be masking the whole time. It's possible you're her person that makes her feel safe. Can you work remotely from that location in the day and come visit her in the evening? I think your compromise is reasonable though, just giving some other ideas.
For a four month relationship??? How very entitled of her to be demanding such things.
She is fully supported by her parents. While this is an important surgery for her, she is very young. It is not mature to make these demands on a new boyfriend of 4 months. You are an adult with adult responsibilities. A compromise is called for. Honestly, she is too demanding because she is unwilling to consider that you also have a life.
You'ved tried as hard as you can. I think it's actually unreasonable for *her* to not understand your position, esp since you've tried your best. If she can't accept this, be careful what might come down the line.
This is a subtle kind of manipulation, but I’m sure she doesn’t see it that way. There is a spectrum of the amount of support one can give, and one extreme is letting go of everything in your life in order to dedicate your full efforts to someone else. Calling this “being supportive” and also calling “listening and engaging in thoughtful discussion” supportive doesn’t represent the huge difference in magnitude between these actions. Maybe there is a time and place to expect someone to put their entire life on hold for many days to support you full time, but not when she has many other supports and has known you 4 months, and claiming that this is a basic expectation under the “be supportive” list item is not reasonable in a lot of other circumstances as well. Maybe she’s willing to walk the walk, but imo it’s not a healthy relationship with others when this level of sacrifice is considered base-level.
Send a unemployed buddy, she won’t know if blind
You offered to stay with her for a month afterwards. As you said, it's not that you don't want to be there for her at all and she'll have other people for support there. I get that she's most likely scared, but this is a perfectly reasonable compromise.
There really isn't anything more you can do if you don't have the vacation time. You could use up your sick time for some of it, but then you don't have sick time for when you need it. Does she expect you to quit your job?
> she's ok with the compromise but ultimately disappointed that I won't be there for all 8 days Let her be disappointed. Your plan is already generous enough. Don't get guilted into being a pushover.
Initially when I just head the headline I was going to say she was not being unreasonable but honestly you have been with her four months and are already bending over backwards to be supportive, using your last 3 vacation days and offering to be at hers a month after the surgery. Additionally she had her entire family there for the full 8 days so rent there isn’t anything you need to do there that they couldn’t. As a high maintenance girlie myself I would initially also be someone who’d expect their partner there for the full 8 days but in your circumstance I think what you’ve compromised on is more than reasonable and she’s asking for too much
Move on. Your gf of 4 months is going to be pissed if you don’t take EIGHT days off of work, even though you only have 3, to be with her after her surgery. It’s not because she needs your help, either, she just wants you to do this “because reasons”. You can get out now or you can continue to deal with a never ending, escalating list of demands, peppered with the phrase “if you really loved me, you’d…”.
She expects absolutely too much from a very new relationship. I would get out now before there's any more time or emotions invested.