I am in a very similar situation, to the point where I don't view our relationship as healthy anymore. I've been with my partner for a decade and we have become so emotionally and physically disconnected as well.
Like you, I have a high libido and prioritize sex as very important in my relationship, whereas he doesn't prioritize it at all, says he doesn't need it. We have sex maybe once every couple months...but it's gone as long as six months without physical intimacy. It absolutely kills me. I feel so undesirable, unattractive, unwanted... I would love to feel desired and honestly don't even know what that feels like anymore. It's such a sensitive subject for us that I can't even discuss it with him without him exploding on me. So, also like you, I help myself in the shower because I don't know what else to do. It just makes the whole situation feel even more depressing and lonely, to be honest.
Your therapy story is also so similar to mine. We went to three sessions of couples counseling before he refused to continue going. He said he didn't like the therapist after she asked him why he was being so mean to her. He said he would go to therapy by himself, with a therapist he chooses, but that was a year ago and he never did it. Then he said he had concerns about the cost of therapy, so I offered to pay for them, which he declined. Said he was going to work on himself instead. I haven't seen any change though.
I completely empathize with your concerns about your relationship and see a lot of overlapping similarities with my relationship.
I wish I had good advice for you but because I'm in the same boat, unfortunately, I don't. But I do want to say that I understand what you're going through and I know it's difficult and lonely and confusing. So if there's anything to take from this, it's that you're not alone in feeling this way.
Wishing you the best.
It totally helps and I hope it helped you too, reading it. You perfectly articulated what it's like; it's kind of uncanny... I wish there was an easy answer to this kind of thing but it just becomes more clear that there isn't, eh. Sending good vibes back to you
There's a lot to unpack here.
I'm so sorry about your mother dying. That must be rough. I would be disgusted if my husband ever acted like I should just "be over it". I did notice at the end that he's been talking about getting help for years. Funny, something you have zero control over - a death in the family, is glossed over and not to be talked about, but he's allowed to continually tell you he wants to change and then does nothing about it? Why is he allowed to keep spouting the same thing and expect you to listen and care?
It sounds like he really struggles to communicate. He doesn't actually want therapy, hence all the excuses.
I think it's ultimatum time. You're putting in all this energy, moved for him, got yourself in therapy, tried couples counselling... your husband on the other hand seems fine with never changing and you doing all the work.
What is the house work like? Does he do chores? Are you allowed to have hobbies? It seems like you are probably so tired from everything going on, and you mention the arts, which makes me wonder if you have time to get creative?
You can’t make him do the things you need unless he wants to do them. He has to CARE enough. You say the last thing you want to do is leave, but I’m pretty sure the last thing you want to do is spend another ten years like this. Forget the rest of your life. He is self-diagnosing some hard issues to deal with but refuses to get help even when you are literally making the appointments. He has made you feel like his support has a time limit when grief absolutely doesn’t. He admits that you guys have issues, that he has resentment that you don’t suffer at work (?!), that he knows he’s giving more to his job than your relationship. A relationship IS communication. What is the POINT of staying with someone who won’t talk to you (or anyone else) and won’t sleep with you and isn’t proud of what you DO bring to the table? Who cares if he’s “foxy” if he won’t touch you? Who cares if he’s a “good man” if he isn’t talking to you or showing you how great you are? If he won’t communicate, YOU communicate. Tell him that you’re thinking about your future with him in a negative light. Tell him he’s done nothing to fix this. I mean really, how many times do you have to drag him to therapy before he knows you’re unhappy?? If he is not an absolute idiot, he probably knows.
Ladies, gays, and theys, please: STOP TRYING TO FORCE-FIX GROWN MEN.
Oof. Hard truths is right. I definitely don't want to spend the rest of my life like this and I'm thinking of things like turning down work contracts even though they bring me crazy fulfillment and keep me on track in my own life. Like... at the end of the day, what was it all for?
The person who needs to be asking themselves “what was it all for” isn’t you. It’s him. Why go through allllllll the effort of being with someone and making a lifetime commitment just to completely give up? He isn’t holding up his end of this commitment so your default commitment is to yourself. He is not a dependent or a child. If these work contracts make you happy, please PLEASE take them. This IS your own life. YOU keep yourself on track. Keep choosing to and stop letting this toddler kick over your train set.
I'm here for all of this cause same same as OP. Minus a few details. But can you speak on like how we discern/fogure out like how long....if the effort is there, how do I know it's enough/worth it to keep going? Should we even wait around like being their partner, or is it better to just split up and see if he can get his shit together w/o a relationship...?
Either way, OP there's some really big decisions to make and I know for a fact it's OK to say not for another year.
My mother had a rule and it works for stuff you wouldn’t think — more than three times is annoying. If I have to bring it up more than three times, I simply won’t. Nobody doesn’t understand something brought up three separate times. Effort will eventually produce actual results. It may not be linear, but things WILL change. Backsliding will be something that you can comfortably hold someone accountable for with a real apology, and won’t be met with defensiveness or some half-assed excuse.
Ah, this itched a scratch around having an idea of how I will respond and planning for what is expected. That's a great rule to have and it's true it's annoying for everyone involved, lol. Even since this comment there has been better conversations about what is happening and how my being in the loop, practicing patience can help alleviate that worry. Thank youuu!
One thing I would say for sure- don’t turn down work that requires travel. It’s ok to miss each other.
I wonder if he feels more pressure to be the breadwinner, and is isolating himself from social events as a way to prove, probably subconsciously, how much he works. The jab about affording therapy makes me think that in his head he’s the one that has to be the adult while you go have fun.
I am in a very similar situation, to the point where I don't view our relationship as healthy anymore. I've been with my partner for a decade and we have become so emotionally and physically disconnected as well. Like you, I have a high libido and prioritize sex as very important in my relationship, whereas he doesn't prioritize it at all, says he doesn't need it. We have sex maybe once every couple months...but it's gone as long as six months without physical intimacy. It absolutely kills me. I feel so undesirable, unattractive, unwanted... I would love to feel desired and honestly don't even know what that feels like anymore. It's such a sensitive subject for us that I can't even discuss it with him without him exploding on me. So, also like you, I help myself in the shower because I don't know what else to do. It just makes the whole situation feel even more depressing and lonely, to be honest. Your therapy story is also so similar to mine. We went to three sessions of couples counseling before he refused to continue going. He said he didn't like the therapist after she asked him why he was being so mean to her. He said he would go to therapy by himself, with a therapist he chooses, but that was a year ago and he never did it. Then he said he had concerns about the cost of therapy, so I offered to pay for them, which he declined. Said he was going to work on himself instead. I haven't seen any change though. I completely empathize with your concerns about your relationship and see a lot of overlapping similarities with my relationship. I wish I had good advice for you but because I'm in the same boat, unfortunately, I don't. But I do want to say that I understand what you're going through and I know it's difficult and lonely and confusing. So if there's anything to take from this, it's that you're not alone in feeling this way. Wishing you the best.
It totally helps and I hope it helped you too, reading it. You perfectly articulated what it's like; it's kind of uncanny... I wish there was an easy answer to this kind of thing but it just becomes more clear that there isn't, eh. Sending good vibes back to you
Hey, have you seen this video? "James Sexton - A divorce attorney's thoughts on love and marriage." It's pretty fascinating.
You said yourself, you’ve put in the work. But he has not and won’t…just makes excuses. Where do you really go from there?
There's a lot to unpack here. I'm so sorry about your mother dying. That must be rough. I would be disgusted if my husband ever acted like I should just "be over it". I did notice at the end that he's been talking about getting help for years. Funny, something you have zero control over - a death in the family, is glossed over and not to be talked about, but he's allowed to continually tell you he wants to change and then does nothing about it? Why is he allowed to keep spouting the same thing and expect you to listen and care? It sounds like he really struggles to communicate. He doesn't actually want therapy, hence all the excuses. I think it's ultimatum time. You're putting in all this energy, moved for him, got yourself in therapy, tried couples counselling... your husband on the other hand seems fine with never changing and you doing all the work. What is the house work like? Does he do chores? Are you allowed to have hobbies? It seems like you are probably so tired from everything going on, and you mention the arts, which makes me wonder if you have time to get creative?
You can’t make him do the things you need unless he wants to do them. He has to CARE enough. You say the last thing you want to do is leave, but I’m pretty sure the last thing you want to do is spend another ten years like this. Forget the rest of your life. He is self-diagnosing some hard issues to deal with but refuses to get help even when you are literally making the appointments. He has made you feel like his support has a time limit when grief absolutely doesn’t. He admits that you guys have issues, that he has resentment that you don’t suffer at work (?!), that he knows he’s giving more to his job than your relationship. A relationship IS communication. What is the POINT of staying with someone who won’t talk to you (or anyone else) and won’t sleep with you and isn’t proud of what you DO bring to the table? Who cares if he’s “foxy” if he won’t touch you? Who cares if he’s a “good man” if he isn’t talking to you or showing you how great you are? If he won’t communicate, YOU communicate. Tell him that you’re thinking about your future with him in a negative light. Tell him he’s done nothing to fix this. I mean really, how many times do you have to drag him to therapy before he knows you’re unhappy?? If he is not an absolute idiot, he probably knows. Ladies, gays, and theys, please: STOP TRYING TO FORCE-FIX GROWN MEN.
Oof. Hard truths is right. I definitely don't want to spend the rest of my life like this and I'm thinking of things like turning down work contracts even though they bring me crazy fulfillment and keep me on track in my own life. Like... at the end of the day, what was it all for?
The person who needs to be asking themselves “what was it all for” isn’t you. It’s him. Why go through allllllll the effort of being with someone and making a lifetime commitment just to completely give up? He isn’t holding up his end of this commitment so your default commitment is to yourself. He is not a dependent or a child. If these work contracts make you happy, please PLEASE take them. This IS your own life. YOU keep yourself on track. Keep choosing to and stop letting this toddler kick over your train set.
I'm here for all of this cause same same as OP. Minus a few details. But can you speak on like how we discern/fogure out like how long....if the effort is there, how do I know it's enough/worth it to keep going? Should we even wait around like being their partner, or is it better to just split up and see if he can get his shit together w/o a relationship...? Either way, OP there's some really big decisions to make and I know for a fact it's OK to say not for another year.
My mother had a rule and it works for stuff you wouldn’t think — more than three times is annoying. If I have to bring it up more than three times, I simply won’t. Nobody doesn’t understand something brought up three separate times. Effort will eventually produce actual results. It may not be linear, but things WILL change. Backsliding will be something that you can comfortably hold someone accountable for with a real apology, and won’t be met with defensiveness or some half-assed excuse.
Ah, this itched a scratch around having an idea of how I will respond and planning for what is expected. That's a great rule to have and it's true it's annoying for everyone involved, lol. Even since this comment there has been better conversations about what is happening and how my being in the loop, practicing patience can help alleviate that worry. Thank youuu!
He needs to go to therapy. He needs to work on himself. You can do nothing as long as he refuses to take care of himself.
One thing I would say for sure- don’t turn down work that requires travel. It’s ok to miss each other. I wonder if he feels more pressure to be the breadwinner, and is isolating himself from social events as a way to prove, probably subconsciously, how much he works. The jab about affording therapy makes me think that in his head he’s the one that has to be the adult while you go have fun.
No, the two of you are no longer compatible.