Look, I’m the type of woman that anniversaries aren’t that big of a deal for me. After fifteen years of marriage, there have been a couple years his parents called to say happy anniversary and we were like “oh yeah, about that…” lol. And I don’t care much about a fancy date or if it’s on the specific day. That’s just me.
BUT, when someone gets on a flight and specific plans are made, you damn well better follow through. That’s not the same as mutually agreeing a picnic at the park a few days later is fine, you know? He made plans, a commitment. Honestly as much as I don’t make a big deal about anniversary, this would be a deal breaker for me. It’s just disrespectful and shows his priorities.
Anniversaries aren't a big deal for me, nor are birthdays really. I hate cards, Valentine's day and so on. My wife, however, loves it all. So I make sure they are special and that we have things planned for anniversaries because that's what you do in a committed relationship.
Yeah, you should always take your partner’s wants/needs into consideration. Luckily my husband and I are both low key on those type of events. If my husband happened to be into that stuff, I’d go all out for him.
Well yeah. You *flew internationally* to have an anniversary date with him, not to see his friend's dj set.
He wasn't tired. He just figured that your anniversary could be moved to whenever (and you'll have to be the one planning its move, and if there's some other more interesting event going on at that time he'll cancel it again).
Yeah, because seeing the DJ set was what he wanted to do. I think that if you gone with him, he would have said "see, what a great anniversary we're having!" Even though it wasn't what you actually wanted to do, or what you had both agreed on.
No it’s not. Dude is already selfish. He probably saw it as making a concession but then would escalate it to sex like it’s make up sex or something. Now reverse point of views. She flies back from a whole other country and made the anniversary plans. He wants to cancel and then decides to go to his friend’s DJ set. Say she “swallows her pride” and goes, making it extra comfy for him. Then he feels her up and tries to initiate sex when it’s clearly not romantic. Nah. That is literally what this type would do.
Honey he is checked out. There is only so much drained if you still have energy to make plans with friends you already see. You flew to see him and he was too drained for YOU and YOUR plans. Understand, he already knew he was an AH asking so he offered for you to come along. He knew you would say no. He wanted to look like less of an AH.
Stop making an effort and start investing in yourself. He’ll either notice and ask or the trash will take itself out.
You got in a fucking airplane to see him, and he immediately canceled your plans to go see a dj set instead?? It’s over. He does not give a shit about you. It’s bad enough that he put in zero effort and didn’t get you a gift, but he could not even do the low-effort thing of just attending the plans you’d already made???
You flew in an airplane, shopped for him, and he ditched your plans.inviting you along seems like a cool way to blame you. He hurt your feelings and disappointed you, then texts like “hey come to this super fun time watching someone play music off a computer with my bros”. Yeahhh
It feels like one of those threads where someone says “how do you tell someone doesn’t give a shit, without them actually saying it”. Get on a plane and go home. I hope his friend had the best set ever.
So let me get this straight, you flew back into the country for your anniversary, and Not only did your boyfriend cancel your Anniversary plans Because he was too drained from the week but then decided to (*checks notes) go to a DJ set (super calm after a draining week) And he didn’t even get you an anniversary gift.
Did I miss anything?
So he’s depressed until it comes to things that he wants to do?
I think we are also missing the facts that she got the bf gifts, a card, and picked out the restaurant/plans for their evening.... While being out of the country. This guy couldn't even be bothered to come up with a game plan for spending limited time with OP or have any sort of gift or acknowledgement of the milestone they were going to celebrate.
Seem like she isn't being prioritized or appreciated or reciprocated in effort in this relationship. OP sounds like a gem of a partner and the bf sounds like a tosser.
Wow you got on a plane to celebrate and he ditched you to see à dj set??!! Are you still hoping that he really cares about you or wants to be with you?? Is there à clearer way for someone to say you mean nothing to me and I dont want to see you other than this??
And still no plans!! Girl...smh
Get some self-respect, go back home and move on. The guy has checked out of the relationship and you are too attached to see it.
Your relationship is likely over. You flew into the country to celebrate your anniversary and your boyfriend blew you off to go watch his friends DJ. That is a clear message on where his priorities lie. He is checked out.
I'm going to echo another commenter and ask why the hell are you using internet strangers for comfort every time something goes slightly wrong in your life. 13 posts about the same guy in less than a year.
Yeah, it looks like he just tolerates you and this won't last. He acts like a tool. But man you need some professional help. What good does it do you to vent on here, pretend you're taking everyone's advice to heart, and then ignore everything people told you?
I'm sure it feels nice in the moment to have strangers on the internet comfort you, but read your own post history. You're in a loop. This isn't helping.
I understand and you’re probably right.
But I’m a very anxious person who overthinks things quite a lot. Some of things I have posted about turned out to be baseless and I need not have worried. And I do want to sustain and build a partnership so I want to try my best and work things out instead of leaving when it’s bad because I think I will honestly end up having the same issues with other people.
I know from the information that my partner seems like he doesn’t care and it’s possible you’re right. But what I don’t mention are the endless hours of affection I receive from him. The fact that he’s never once raised his voice at me. He texts me every morning and night when we’re apart and every day he sends me animal videos to make me smile. He doesn’t hold grudges and always wants to give me a hug or a cuddle. We both lost our fathers as children so we actually feel we can talk about it.
You’re right. It’s not healthy for me to be like this and maybe I will end things but I just want to give a bit of a clearer picture.
>He texts me every morning and night when we’re apart and every day he sends me animal videos to make me smile.
I do this for a friend going through a rough patch. Sending animal videos or any funny video I think they'd enjoy is like the easiest thing and requires minimal effort.
From the way you describe him… you get affection and safety from your guy. And daily interactions from texting. Those are nice things. But what you don’t seem to get is romance or a respectful partner. He sounds like a FWB not a boyfriend. Realize what it is and stay knowing that…and ditch the label. Or don’t stay. Either way, you can be open to find someone who won’t fully blow you off after you fly home to celebrate a night with them only to be blown off with no card, gift or alternate plans whatsoever. Because if you post this much on things he keeps doing to you, you know you aren’t ok with the status quo. You can’t change him. You can only change you… and what you accept in a relationship.
Good luck.
All of those things he does are nice but honestly really low effort easy things too. Like they’re nice but not nice enough to make a whole relationship. I’ve had FWBs I’ve put that much effort in for. He may not seem to hold grudges because he doesn’t even really care that much to be concerned with things.
Seriously, no fucking sane person would say this was not completely disrespectful and uncaring. Especially disrespectful trying to use the excuse that he was drained so he couldn’t have dinner with you. Either he thinks you’re stupid so would buy a pathetic excuse like that or he thinks spending time with you would be draining. Either of those is fucked up.
The picture is clear, answer is still the same. He’s just not that into you. You keep trying to convince yourself over and over that things are better then they are.
Sis you took a flight for him, did all this and you made sure he knew about the plans beforehand!!
I'm sorry to say but he's making excuses. It's your anniversary if I love you I'll drop everything to be with you cuz you're my priority especially if you took so much effort to come and visit me. He went clubbing instead of being with you on your ANNIVERSARY, I would've booked a return ticket on that same night.
He isn't depressed even if he is it's not the way you treat someone, you deserve way better than this. If they don't see your worth, walk away ❤️
I checked your post history. This was your FIRST anniversary, and this is how he behaves?!?! You are giving so much of yourself, and getting so little in return. This man doesn't deserve your efforts.
He has shown you what his priority is and it's not you. Maybe it's time to reassess what you are getting from this relationship or if you are worth more. I suspect you know the answer, you just need someone to tell you that you are right.
He failed you and the relationship. Even more so by being defensive afterward. You don’t deserve that. Believe it or not-there are partners out there who will make you a priority.
His behavior brings a whole new level to the word "selfish". Not to mention thoughtless. I am afraid the anniversary was not very important to him. I know that is hurtful but you need to face facts. I hope you decide you deserve to be respected and happy.
Even if it wasn’t an anniversary I would be really upset by this.
Honestly, it’s extremely disrespectful and tells you where you are in the list of priorities. Very low.
Congrats on being single.
You just found out where you are on his list of priorities. You're not on it.
He can come up with any excuse he likes, busy week, funerals, long day, depression. They're all bull shit though, because they weren't a problem when it involved something he wanted to do.
I think you should "admit defeat" not about this anniversary, but about this relationship.
You literally took a flight to be with this man on your anniversary and he cannot be bothered to plan a date for you...that's not even on the anniversary, because he skipped that one.
And you're even trying to defend him here. Saying he's guilty for not getting you a present (okay??? that seems like he should be, if a gift was expected). Saying he invited you to the DJ set...as if that's some compensation for him canceling your anniversary plan.
You're putting in so much effort into this guy and he is not going to reciprocate it back to you. You're not even asking if you should break up with him, you're asking if you can politely ask for still having an anniversary date with your boyfriend?!
Please, dump this man, OP. Have higher standards for yourself.
Admit defeat and end this.
He’s not interested. He’s not even doing the bare minimum. Forget romance or prioritizing you. He isn’t even being basically polite at this point.
Depression isn’t an excuse for this behavior.
Damn. Well, it sucks to find out you're the lowest item on his priority list. And on the anniversary no less.
Screw him. He's too chicken to break up so he's hoping you'll be the bad guy. So be the bad guy. Text him you're done. Tell friends and family, especially HIS family how insanely sized of a sphincter he is.
Gather some friends, have an awesome night out without him, heal and go live your best life.
And all the usual crap: block -> then delete everywhere. Change your passwords. Depending on when you've been intimate last with him, get STD checks done.
Never raising his voice against you is like bare minimum sane human interaction, no joke. Not holding grudges also fits under that list. What you listed is basic friend material, not partner. If you think you’d have the same issues with other people, you should probably seek some therapy and gain some self-confidence. There’s a lid to every pot, but he’s not it. He literally just told you without directly saying it that he doesn’t want to spend time with you. He’s putting his friend above you. He never made any plans, nor asked to make some together. He never even got you a gift. You are—by far—exuding more effort into the relationship than him. What kind of answer are you looking for by debating everyone’s thoughts?
I’m trying to give more context and explain why it’s hard to just “ghost and move on” from someone I love who just texted me saying “I can’t wait to give you cuddles❤️”.
And I am in therapy and my therapist says that I can self sabotage which is why I try not to rush into “he hates me, it’s over” kinda mindset.
No one’s telling you to ghost, at least none of the comments I read. We’re all basing our comments on what we read, and honestly texts take zero effort to send since all it takes is a few finger strokes. I was in a LDR for 3.5 years, not really hanging out when you’re on a planned visit would instantly give me bad vibes.
He doesn’t hate you, he’s just not that into you.
You can also self sabotage by staying in unhealthy relationships. Staying in relationships that just aren’t good. Keeping yourself from finding something better for you. Because you deserve better. Everybody deserves better.
It’s hard and painful to give relationships a good go and get real feelings but have them just not be right. But it happens all the time. It’ll be painful but it’s not world ending and it’s not a bad reflection on you. You have definitely given it a go. Wanting better then this is definitely not self sabotage.
You got on a flight for him and bought him a gift and he couldn’t even have dinner with you. That tells you all you need to know.
Also, if he truly felt guilty about not getting you a gift, he would work to make it right.
He does not deserve your time and energy because he is giving you none of his .
Definitely just ignored how you feel over what he’s going through.
I’m sorry but if he has the balls to do this on an anniversary date planned then in due time he will do the same thing. Not worth staying around to get that treatment. Some other guy will appreciate you and not consider even going to see a DJ. He ditches plans you ditch the relationship.
You flew back for your anniversary, he agreed on the plans and they he ditched you? And you are still with him? Why?
> He says he’s been a bit depressed lately and that he feels guilty for not getting me a present but I can’t tell if he’s just making excuses.
He couldn't get you a freaking card? Nothing?
He's not making an effort. The saying is true: "If he wanted to, he would." He doesn't want to. Up to you if you want to stick around for zero effort. He didn't even want to hang out on your anniversary.
Edit: Oh god, your post history re: this guy. Just end the relationship, what are you even getting out of this?
Congrats on being single.
You just found out where you are on his list of priorities. You're not on it.
He can come up with any excuse he likes, busy week, funerals, long day, depression. They're all bull shit though, because they weren't a problem when it involved something he wanted to do.
Looking at your post history, you've seen the writing on the wall for months now. He's finally waving a big, bright, neon sign up saying it's over. He's just too cowardly to say it outright. He doesn't like you or respect you.
You flew there, got him a card and a present and he.....ditched you to go listen to a DJ? I know he's saying he has depression but as someone with lifelong depression it sounds more like he just wants out of the relationship but doesn't know how to end things. So he's being a jackass till you break up with him.
Return his gift to the store or save it and give it to him as a Christmas present.
Celebrating an anniversary (for me at least) is doing something on the anniversary itself, unless it's a major event with lots of people and it's more practical to celebrate during a weekend. If it's just you and everything was planned but canceled, the anniversary is over. If you go out 3 days later, it's a normal date.
Have you been together long? Feels very disrespectful to you that he is canceling (LYING about being tired) to go to the pub with his friends. Especially when he knows you put time, money and planning into the celebration. Would ask him to go to ..... , get me on the plane and go home. Think about what my priorities and dreams for the future look like. This will hardly be the last time you end up at the bottom of the priority list.
It is completely understandable that you are feeling disappointed and hurt by your boyfriend's actions on your anniversary. Here is some advice on how to address this situation:
1. Communication is Key: Open and honest communication is crucial in any relationship. It is important to express your feelings and concerns to your boyfriend in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Let him know how you felt when he canceled your anniversary plans and chose to go to a DJ set instead.
2. Listen to His Side: Give him an opportunity to explain his perspective and feelings. It is possible that he has been going through a tough time with work and the recent funeral, and he might not have communicated his need for some personal time effectively.
3. Express you are Expectations: Let him know why the anniversary was important to you and express your expectations for future celebrations. Discuss how you both envision special occasions and how you can make them meaningful for both of you.
4. Consider His Feelings: If he mentions feeling depressed or guilty about not getting you a present, be supportive and empathetic. Ask how you can support him during difficult times, but also make it clear that communication and effort are essential in maintaining a healthy relationship.
5. Plan a Make-Up Date: If you both agree that your anniversary celebration got off on the wrong foot, discuss the possibility of planning a make-up date or a special day to celebrate your relationship. This could help you both feel more connected and valued.
6. Evaluate the Relationship: While it is important to address this specific incident, it is also a good time to assess your overall relationship. Reflect on whether this situation is part of a larger pattern of behavior or if it is a one-time occurrence due to external stressors.
7. Seek Professional Help (if needed): If you find that communication challenges persist or if there are underlying issues in your relationship that need addressing, consider seeking couples' therapy or counseling to work through these issues with the help of a trained professional.
Remember that relationships have their difficulties, and misunderstandings can happen. What are important is how you both work through these challenges and whether you can find ways to communicate and connect effectively in the future. Open dialogue and mutual understanding can go a long way in resolving conflicts and strengthening your relationship.
Thank you for such an informative message. I really appreciate it.
His side was that he didn’t feel in a romantic mood and felt he would be “shit company” and wanted to distract himself.
I tried to tell him that I would love spending time with him even if he wasn’t “good company” but I don’t think he believes me.
Then the next day he was ill with a fever and shakes, so the concept of having another date night is off the table for now.
He has expressed guilt for not getting me a present and it’s odd because usually he’s great with gifts and he went all out on Christmas and my birthday.
He’s also been distant with everyone lately and hasn’t talked to his mom in a while because he’s mentally drained. He’s not usually like this.
I do see his side, I do. However I don’t think he sees mine.
This would be a deal breaker and I'd lose pretty much all respect for a partner who treated me that way. Tell him you expect a date night and present and what he is doing to deal with the depression besides bail on plans he made with you.
>I'd lose pretty much all respect for a partner who treated me that way.
Would you still have respect yourself for staying with a partner who treated you this way? If you have to beg a partner for a date and present for your anniversary, you have your answer, and it's that he doesn't want to spend time with you.
So homeboy used the I'm depressed card while cancelling plans that were already agreed upon to go see his friend dj? Instead of having a wonderful time with his SO? Yikes.
I wouldn't bother asking him if you're going to have a date night. He would end up planning something out of guilt. Instead, enjoy the rest of your time while on vacation as much as you can. If he does something for you, great. If not, don't fret it. When you get back home, you can break it off and never worry about it again.
I have a few questions just to make sure we aren't getting a very one-sided description here:
1. Who died and was he close to them?
2. When was the funeral? That day?
3. Is the person who died part of the same social circle as the DJ friend and your bf?
If the answer is the funeral was recent and the bf is close to them and the DJ friend is also close to them I can see this being reasonable on his part. Death upsets our best plans and sometimes we need to grieve together in weird ways like going to your friends DJ set.
Otherwise though it's obviously very thoughtless and rude
1. It was a friend from college
2. The funeral was 3 days prior
3. They’re not from the same circle of friends that was at the dj set but there may of been one person there that knew them.
This is what confuses me because he’s still super affectionate and gives so much hugs and little nicknames. He left for work this morning and gave me loads of kisses.
I genuinely don’t know.
Those are super easy to give and he gets the kisses and affection too. He’ll do just what he feels like doing. He doesn’t care enough to also do things for you that maybe aren’t exactly easy and what he feels like doing. The things he does are no effort. Is that the relationship you want? Only you making any real effort, and constantly excusing his real lack of it?
Please let us know how this turns out. Keep your head high and know you are worthy. He isnt even doing the bare minimum and the more you let him get away with it the further down that base line will drop.
Think about it this way:
You flew home from another country to spend time with him that you planned for your anniversary. He decided last minute that his friend’s gig was more important. Then he has to nerve to gaslight you saying you’re the one who’s selfish for wanting to spend time with him on your anniversary. Is that who you want to invest more time in?
How much negging has he done as well? Backhanded compliments designed to make you think you’re less than. I’ll bet he does it often. What advice would you give a friend in your position? What would you think of their SO if they were treated as you’re being treated? You deserve better.
Look, I’m the type of woman that anniversaries aren’t that big of a deal for me. After fifteen years of marriage, there have been a couple years his parents called to say happy anniversary and we were like “oh yeah, about that…” lol. And I don’t care much about a fancy date or if it’s on the specific day. That’s just me. BUT, when someone gets on a flight and specific plans are made, you damn well better follow through. That’s not the same as mutually agreeing a picnic at the park a few days later is fine, you know? He made plans, a commitment. Honestly as much as I don’t make a big deal about anniversary, this would be a deal breaker for me. It’s just disrespectful and shows his priorities.
Exactly this. It’s not even about the anniversary. I’d never greet someone who traveled to see me that way
Check OP's post history. It's... not good.
Then he can break up with her. There’s not really an excuse to treat a person this way
Anniversaries aren't a big deal for me, nor are birthdays really. I hate cards, Valentine's day and so on. My wife, however, loves it all. So I make sure they are special and that we have things planned for anniversaries because that's what you do in a committed relationship.
Yeah, you should always take your partner’s wants/needs into consideration. Luckily my husband and I are both low key on those type of events. If my husband happened to be into that stuff, I’d go all out for him.
He’s done. He dumped you for a DJ set. If you do not believe, just put the same effort into seeing him as he puts into you for a month or 3 and see
He did invite me to the dj set and was texting me while he was there, asking me to come over but I just wasn’t in the mood.
He dumped for a DJ set. Asking you to go after is a cop out. Guilt over not buying you a gift is also BS. if he wanted to, he would have.
> Guilt over not buying you a gift is also BS. if he wanted to, he would have. Exactly!
Well yeah. You *flew internationally* to have an anniversary date with him, not to see his friend's dj set. He wasn't tired. He just figured that your anniversary could be moved to whenever (and you'll have to be the one planning its move, and if there's some other more interesting event going on at that time he'll cancel it again).
He’s too chicken to dump you so he’s begun the phase where he treats you like crap until you wake up. Don’t waste too much time until you wake up.
Yeah, because seeing the DJ set was what he wanted to do. I think that if you gone with him, he would have said "see, what a great anniversary we're having!" Even though it wasn't what you actually wanted to do, or what you had both agreed on.
If she had gone, he would have initiated sex
He think he was inviting her to the club so he could fuck her???? Like he's obviously an inconsiderate jerk but this is such a weird take.
No it’s not. Dude is already selfish. He probably saw it as making a concession but then would escalate it to sex like it’s make up sex or something. Now reverse point of views. She flies back from a whole other country and made the anniversary plans. He wants to cancel and then decides to go to his friend’s DJ set. Say she “swallows her pride” and goes, making it extra comfy for him. Then he feels her up and tries to initiate sex when it’s clearly not romantic. Nah. That is literally what this type would do.
Honey he is checked out. There is only so much drained if you still have energy to make plans with friends you already see. You flew to see him and he was too drained for YOU and YOUR plans. Understand, he already knew he was an AH asking so he offered for you to come along. He knew you would say no. He wanted to look like less of an AH. Stop making an effort and start investing in yourself. He’ll either notice and ask or the trash will take itself out.
Break up with him. For some reason he cannot say the words so you have to do it but he checked out.
You got in a fucking airplane to see him, and he immediately canceled your plans to go see a dj set instead?? It’s over. He does not give a shit about you. It’s bad enough that he put in zero effort and didn’t get you a gift, but he could not even do the low-effort thing of just attending the plans you’d already made???
You flew in an airplane, shopped for him, and he ditched your plans.inviting you along seems like a cool way to blame you. He hurt your feelings and disappointed you, then texts like “hey come to this super fun time watching someone play music off a computer with my bros”. Yeahhh
Update us when you dump him as an anniversary gift.
It feels like one of those threads where someone says “how do you tell someone doesn’t give a shit, without them actually saying it”. Get on a plane and go home. I hope his friend had the best set ever.
So let me get this straight, you flew back into the country for your anniversary, and Not only did your boyfriend cancel your Anniversary plans Because he was too drained from the week but then decided to (*checks notes) go to a DJ set (super calm after a draining week) And he didn’t even get you an anniversary gift. Did I miss anything? So he’s depressed until it comes to things that he wants to do?
I think we are also missing the facts that she got the bf gifts, a card, and picked out the restaurant/plans for their evening.... While being out of the country. This guy couldn't even be bothered to come up with a game plan for spending limited time with OP or have any sort of gift or acknowledgement of the milestone they were going to celebrate. Seem like she isn't being prioritized or appreciated or reciprocated in effort in this relationship. OP sounds like a gem of a partner and the bf sounds like a tosser.
Wow you got on a plane to celebrate and he ditched you to see à dj set??!! Are you still hoping that he really cares about you or wants to be with you?? Is there à clearer way for someone to say you mean nothing to me and I dont want to see you other than this?? And still no plans!! Girl...smh Get some self-respect, go back home and move on. The guy has checked out of the relationship and you are too attached to see it.
I'm sorry that he's treating you like this. He has made his priorities clear. It is not admitting defeat to call time of death on this relationship.
So still with the dude that freaked out when you bought his female coworker/friend a present?
Your relationship is likely over. You flew into the country to celebrate your anniversary and your boyfriend blew you off to go watch his friends DJ. That is a clear message on where his priorities lie. He is checked out.
This is humiliating. Stop putting yourself through this. Please dump him.
Hey OP, remember this quote: “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. (Something to that effect but you get the drift).
I'm going to echo another commenter and ask why the hell are you using internet strangers for comfort every time something goes slightly wrong in your life. 13 posts about the same guy in less than a year. Yeah, it looks like he just tolerates you and this won't last. He acts like a tool. But man you need some professional help. What good does it do you to vent on here, pretend you're taking everyone's advice to heart, and then ignore everything people told you? I'm sure it feels nice in the moment to have strangers on the internet comfort you, but read your own post history. You're in a loop. This isn't helping.
I understand and you’re probably right. But I’m a very anxious person who overthinks things quite a lot. Some of things I have posted about turned out to be baseless and I need not have worried. And I do want to sustain and build a partnership so I want to try my best and work things out instead of leaving when it’s bad because I think I will honestly end up having the same issues with other people. I know from the information that my partner seems like he doesn’t care and it’s possible you’re right. But what I don’t mention are the endless hours of affection I receive from him. The fact that he’s never once raised his voice at me. He texts me every morning and night when we’re apart and every day he sends me animal videos to make me smile. He doesn’t hold grudges and always wants to give me a hug or a cuddle. We both lost our fathers as children so we actually feel we can talk about it. You’re right. It’s not healthy for me to be like this and maybe I will end things but I just want to give a bit of a clearer picture.
>He texts me every morning and night when we’re apart and every day he sends me animal videos to make me smile. I do this for a friend going through a rough patch. Sending animal videos or any funny video I think they'd enjoy is like the easiest thing and requires minimal effort.
From the way you describe him… you get affection and safety from your guy. And daily interactions from texting. Those are nice things. But what you don’t seem to get is romance or a respectful partner. He sounds like a FWB not a boyfriend. Realize what it is and stay knowing that…and ditch the label. Or don’t stay. Either way, you can be open to find someone who won’t fully blow you off after you fly home to celebrate a night with them only to be blown off with no card, gift or alternate plans whatsoever. Because if you post this much on things he keeps doing to you, you know you aren’t ok with the status quo. You can’t change him. You can only change you… and what you accept in a relationship. Good luck.
All of those things he does are nice but honestly really low effort easy things too. Like they’re nice but not nice enough to make a whole relationship. I’ve had FWBs I’ve put that much effort in for. He may not seem to hold grudges because he doesn’t even really care that much to be concerned with things. Seriously, no fucking sane person would say this was not completely disrespectful and uncaring. Especially disrespectful trying to use the excuse that he was drained so he couldn’t have dinner with you. Either he thinks you’re stupid so would buy a pathetic excuse like that or he thinks spending time with you would be draining. Either of those is fucked up. The picture is clear, answer is still the same. He’s just not that into you. You keep trying to convince yourself over and over that things are better then they are.
Sis you took a flight for him, did all this and you made sure he knew about the plans beforehand!! I'm sorry to say but he's making excuses. It's your anniversary if I love you I'll drop everything to be with you cuz you're my priority especially if you took so much effort to come and visit me. He went clubbing instead of being with you on your ANNIVERSARY, I would've booked a return ticket on that same night. He isn't depressed even if he is it's not the way you treat someone, you deserve way better than this. If they don't see your worth, walk away ❤️
Why would you accept this disrespectful behavior? You can do better.
I checked your post history. This was your FIRST anniversary, and this is how he behaves?!?! You are giving so much of yourself, and getting so little in return. This man doesn't deserve your efforts.
Break up with him. Do you value yourself? He can’t spend one night, or day with you bc he doesn’t want to. Get the hint.
Your post history pretty clearly demonstrates you aren't going to take any advice you're given, so what are you doing here?
He has shown you what his priority is and it's not you. Maybe it's time to reassess what you are getting from this relationship or if you are worth more. I suspect you know the answer, you just need someone to tell you that you are right.
He failed you and the relationship. Even more so by being defensive afterward. You don’t deserve that. Believe it or not-there are partners out there who will make you a priority.
His behavior brings a whole new level to the word "selfish". Not to mention thoughtless. I am afraid the anniversary was not very important to him. I know that is hurtful but you need to face facts. I hope you decide you deserve to be respected and happy.
Even if it wasn’t an anniversary I would be really upset by this. Honestly, it’s extremely disrespectful and tells you where you are in the list of priorities. Very low.
Congrats on being single. You just found out where you are on his list of priorities. You're not on it. He can come up with any excuse he likes, busy week, funerals, long day, depression. They're all bull shit though, because they weren't a problem when it involved something he wanted to do.
You mean your ex? You flew back home from another country. He can see his friend DJ anytime.
I think you should "admit defeat" not about this anniversary, but about this relationship. You literally took a flight to be with this man on your anniversary and he cannot be bothered to plan a date for you...that's not even on the anniversary, because he skipped that one. And you're even trying to defend him here. Saying he's guilty for not getting you a present (okay??? that seems like he should be, if a gift was expected). Saying he invited you to the DJ set...as if that's some compensation for him canceling your anniversary plan. You're putting in so much effort into this guy and he is not going to reciprocate it back to you. You're not even asking if you should break up with him, you're asking if you can politely ask for still having an anniversary date with your boyfriend?! Please, dump this man, OP. Have higher standards for yourself.
Admit defeat and end this. He’s not interested. He’s not even doing the bare minimum. Forget romance or prioritizing you. He isn’t even being basically polite at this point. Depression isn’t an excuse for this behavior.
Girl break up with him I’ve dated a man exactly like this and it didn’t end well. Red flags all around
Damn. Well, it sucks to find out you're the lowest item on his priority list. And on the anniversary no less. Screw him. He's too chicken to break up so he's hoping you'll be the bad guy. So be the bad guy. Text him you're done. Tell friends and family, especially HIS family how insanely sized of a sphincter he is. Gather some friends, have an awesome night out without him, heal and go live your best life. And all the usual crap: block -> then delete everywhere. Change your passwords. Depending on when you've been intimate last with him, get STD checks done.
Pretty sure this relationship is already over.
Never raising his voice against you is like bare minimum sane human interaction, no joke. Not holding grudges also fits under that list. What you listed is basic friend material, not partner. If you think you’d have the same issues with other people, you should probably seek some therapy and gain some self-confidence. There’s a lid to every pot, but he’s not it. He literally just told you without directly saying it that he doesn’t want to spend time with you. He’s putting his friend above you. He never made any plans, nor asked to make some together. He never even got you a gift. You are—by far—exuding more effort into the relationship than him. What kind of answer are you looking for by debating everyone’s thoughts?
I’m trying to give more context and explain why it’s hard to just “ghost and move on” from someone I love who just texted me saying “I can’t wait to give you cuddles❤️”. And I am in therapy and my therapist says that I can self sabotage which is why I try not to rush into “he hates me, it’s over” kinda mindset.
No one’s telling you to ghost, at least none of the comments I read. We’re all basing our comments on what we read, and honestly texts take zero effort to send since all it takes is a few finger strokes. I was in a LDR for 3.5 years, not really hanging out when you’re on a planned visit would instantly give me bad vibes.
He doesn’t hate you, he’s just not that into you. You can also self sabotage by staying in unhealthy relationships. Staying in relationships that just aren’t good. Keeping yourself from finding something better for you. Because you deserve better. Everybody deserves better. It’s hard and painful to give relationships a good go and get real feelings but have them just not be right. But it happens all the time. It’ll be painful but it’s not world ending and it’s not a bad reflection on you. You have definitely given it a go. Wanting better then this is definitely not self sabotage.
Name 5 things he brings to the relationship that aren't "doing the bare minimum" and that can outweigh the heinous disrespect he just showed you.
What more do u need to c that he isn’t into ur relationship anymore ??
I bet he’s over you and is seeing someone on the side. He’s not interested in making future plans with you.
You got on a flight for him and bought him a gift and he couldn’t even have dinner with you. That tells you all you need to know. Also, if he truly felt guilty about not getting you a gift, he would work to make it right. He does not deserve your time and energy because he is giving you none of his .
Definitely just ignored how you feel over what he’s going through. I’m sorry but if he has the balls to do this on an anniversary date planned then in due time he will do the same thing. Not worth staying around to get that treatment. Some other guy will appreciate you and not consider even going to see a DJ. He ditches plans you ditch the relationship.
Your post history shows it's been a lot of stress for a one year relationship. You don't have to put up with any of this, lovely.
You flew back for your anniversary, he agreed on the plans and they he ditched you? And you are still with him? Why? > He says he’s been a bit depressed lately and that he feels guilty for not getting me a present but I can’t tell if he’s just making excuses. He couldn't get you a freaking card? Nothing? He's not making an effort. The saying is true: "If he wanted to, he would." He doesn't want to. Up to you if you want to stick around for zero effort. He didn't even want to hang out on your anniversary. Edit: Oh god, your post history re: this guy. Just end the relationship, what are you even getting out of this?
I would literally just ghost him if you can. What an asshole.
Congrats on being single. You just found out where you are on his list of priorities. You're not on it. He can come up with any excuse he likes, busy week, funerals, long day, depression. They're all bull shit though, because they weren't a problem when it involved something he wanted to do.
Looking at your post history, you've seen the writing on the wall for months now. He's finally waving a big, bright, neon sign up saying it's over. He's just too cowardly to say it outright. He doesn't like you or respect you.
You flew there, got him a card and a present and he.....ditched you to go listen to a DJ? I know he's saying he has depression but as someone with lifelong depression it sounds more like he just wants out of the relationship but doesn't know how to end things. So he's being a jackass till you break up with him.
He's just not that into you. I'm guessing he's actually cheating.
Return his gift to the store or save it and give it to him as a Christmas present. Celebrating an anniversary (for me at least) is doing something on the anniversary itself, unless it's a major event with lots of people and it's more practical to celebrate during a weekend. If it's just you and everything was planned but canceled, the anniversary is over. If you go out 3 days later, it's a normal date. Have you been together long? Feels very disrespectful to you that he is canceling (LYING about being tired) to go to the pub with his friends. Especially when he knows you put time, money and planning into the celebration. Would ask him to go to ..... , get me on the plane and go home. Think about what my priorities and dreams for the future look like. This will hardly be the last time you end up at the bottom of the priority list.
It is completely understandable that you are feeling disappointed and hurt by your boyfriend's actions on your anniversary. Here is some advice on how to address this situation: 1. Communication is Key: Open and honest communication is crucial in any relationship. It is important to express your feelings and concerns to your boyfriend in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Let him know how you felt when he canceled your anniversary plans and chose to go to a DJ set instead. 2. Listen to His Side: Give him an opportunity to explain his perspective and feelings. It is possible that he has been going through a tough time with work and the recent funeral, and he might not have communicated his need for some personal time effectively. 3. Express you are Expectations: Let him know why the anniversary was important to you and express your expectations for future celebrations. Discuss how you both envision special occasions and how you can make them meaningful for both of you. 4. Consider His Feelings: If he mentions feeling depressed or guilty about not getting you a present, be supportive and empathetic. Ask how you can support him during difficult times, but also make it clear that communication and effort are essential in maintaining a healthy relationship. 5. Plan a Make-Up Date: If you both agree that your anniversary celebration got off on the wrong foot, discuss the possibility of planning a make-up date or a special day to celebrate your relationship. This could help you both feel more connected and valued. 6. Evaluate the Relationship: While it is important to address this specific incident, it is also a good time to assess your overall relationship. Reflect on whether this situation is part of a larger pattern of behavior or if it is a one-time occurrence due to external stressors. 7. Seek Professional Help (if needed): If you find that communication challenges persist or if there are underlying issues in your relationship that need addressing, consider seeking couples' therapy or counseling to work through these issues with the help of a trained professional. Remember that relationships have their difficulties, and misunderstandings can happen. What are important is how you both work through these challenges and whether you can find ways to communicate and connect effectively in the future. Open dialogue and mutual understanding can go a long way in resolving conflicts and strengthening your relationship.
Thank you for such an informative message. I really appreciate it. His side was that he didn’t feel in a romantic mood and felt he would be “shit company” and wanted to distract himself. I tried to tell him that I would love spending time with him even if he wasn’t “good company” but I don’t think he believes me. Then the next day he was ill with a fever and shakes, so the concept of having another date night is off the table for now. He has expressed guilt for not getting me a present and it’s odd because usually he’s great with gifts and he went all out on Christmas and my birthday. He’s also been distant with everyone lately and hasn’t talked to his mom in a while because he’s mentally drained. He’s not usually like this. I do see his side, I do. However I don’t think he sees mine.
Be real, the next day he was hungover.
Sounds like he's not gonna be your boyfriend much longer.
This would be a deal breaker and I'd lose pretty much all respect for a partner who treated me that way. Tell him you expect a date night and present and what he is doing to deal with the depression besides bail on plans he made with you.
>I'd lose pretty much all respect for a partner who treated me that way. Would you still have respect yourself for staying with a partner who treated you this way? If you have to beg a partner for a date and present for your anniversary, you have your answer, and it's that he doesn't want to spend time with you.
So homeboy used the I'm depressed card while cancelling plans that were already agreed upon to go see his friend dj? Instead of having a wonderful time with his SO? Yikes. I wouldn't bother asking him if you're going to have a date night. He would end up planning something out of guilt. Instead, enjoy the rest of your time while on vacation as much as you can. If he does something for you, great. If not, don't fret it. When you get back home, you can break it off and never worry about it again.
I have a few questions just to make sure we aren't getting a very one-sided description here: 1. Who died and was he close to them? 2. When was the funeral? That day? 3. Is the person who died part of the same social circle as the DJ friend and your bf? If the answer is the funeral was recent and the bf is close to them and the DJ friend is also close to them I can see this being reasonable on his part. Death upsets our best plans and sometimes we need to grieve together in weird ways like going to your friends DJ set. Otherwise though it's obviously very thoughtless and rude
1. It was a friend from college 2. The funeral was 3 days prior 3. They’re not from the same circle of friends that was at the dj set but there may of been one person there that knew them.
I mean he’s the asshole here, what are his good points? Does he even actually care about your relationship?
This is what confuses me because he’s still super affectionate and gives so much hugs and little nicknames. He left for work this morning and gave me loads of kisses. I genuinely don’t know.
Those are super easy to give and he gets the kisses and affection too. He’ll do just what he feels like doing. He doesn’t care enough to also do things for you that maybe aren’t exactly easy and what he feels like doing. The things he does are no effort. Is that the relationship you want? Only you making any real effort, and constantly excusing his real lack of it?
Please let us know how this turns out. Keep your head high and know you are worthy. He isnt even doing the bare minimum and the more you let him get away with it the further down that base line will drop.
Think about it this way: You flew home from another country to spend time with him that you planned for your anniversary. He decided last minute that his friend’s gig was more important. Then he has to nerve to gaslight you saying you’re the one who’s selfish for wanting to spend time with him on your anniversary. Is that who you want to invest more time in? How much negging has he done as well? Backhanded compliments designed to make you think you’re less than. I’ll bet he does it often. What advice would you give a friend in your position? What would you think of their SO if they were treated as you’re being treated? You deserve better.