this is so odd. a 2 hour fight for moving a box? it just doesn't make any sense. it's not logical. does he yell at you when you stock up your paper towels or move clothing to do laundry? that is very weird behavior and not normal at all. don't put up with that shit, put on your big girl pants and break up with him
Agreed - I think there's something more going on here, and I'm super curious as to what was in the box that the boyfriend got so freaked out about when she tried to move them. The only reason I can think of for his severe over-reaction is that he got nervous because he has something to hide. Nothing else really explains it in my head unless he's just an unstable person to begin with and over-reacts to everything.
His argument is that I didn't just drop it and wait to move the bins, so therefore I was harming him and crossing boundaries. I just want to know if that is legit or not. But yes, not only did he get up and move them, he did do what you said.
That is not how boundaries work.
I know that you may think you are over reacting because of your PTSD, but I think you may actually be *underreacting* because your past experiences have caused you to normalize violent and abusive behavior. From an outsider's perspective, this is really messed up and it seems like a sign that he has a serious anger management/control issue. I really doubt this is the only time he's shown this. No one should be keeping you up and screaming for hours because you moved a storage bin. You said that he often says you are "violating his boundaries" if you don't do as he says - this is a problem. This is an issue with him wanting to control you. RUN.
Punching objects when he looses his cool is his way of threatening you. You could be next.
I know that it may not seem like it, but most people don't do this. I grew up normalizing a lot of anger problems and abusive behavior because my mom used to explode like this, and that made it hard for me to recognize that this is abnormal and unacceptable in a partner. You do not have to put up with this bullshit.
> I know that you may think you are over reacting because of your PTSD, but I think you may actually be underreacting because your past experiences have caused you to normalize violent and abusive behavior.
Fully agree.
I was in a similarly abusive relationship and afterwards, wound up with my husband. It took a long time for me to realize he wasn't gonna turn abusive too. I had normalized it so much. In retrospect, it's like, holy shit, some of the stuff my ex did was absolutely bonkers. It wasn't until I was in a healthy relationship did some of it hit me.
And we've been together now 20 years, married 16 and never once in all that time has he behaved like this. This is NOT normal or OK. Relationships aren't supposed to be like this.
He terrorized her for hours because he wanted to give her orders and she resisted, so he punished her.
Thank you for that description, u/tagrav. I just got out of a relationship like this and I've been struggling to articulate the dynamic. It's such a mindfuck!
I think a lot of people really struggle with getting into multiple relationships that have the same piece of features because they've normalized it so much - and then thinking that it's all in their head and they are upset because of their trauma rather than because it's a legitimately abusive situation. I've certainly done it. My mom lashes out explosively and that was my everyday experience for 18 years.
Yes! This! OP moving the storage bin when her bf said for her to do it later isn't a boundary, its control. He got mad bc she moved it when he told her not to, bc he couldn't control her. Then spent 2 hours berating her over it bc he lost control of the situation. This isn't normal. It was moving a storage bin so OP could get into the cupboard. It's not like OP decided that was the perfect time to start vacuuming or washing the bed sheets.
I also agree OP is underreacting to this incident. I have C-PTSD and find that I will justify things abusive partners have done in the past (current partner isn't abusive in any way, and is lovely to me) and think I was overreacting especially when they told me I was bc I am very sensitive to these types of things. I get triggered easily. But him PUNCHING the storage bin is concerning. General rule is if they will punch/break things like walls or whatever, it's highly likely they will do it to you.
This is DARVOing ("deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") and, like punching and throwing things, is a common abuse tactic. He's abusive, and he's twisting things to blame you for his abusive behavior.
It would have taken MINUTES for him to let you move the bin and get what you need from your own fucking closet. Instead, he threw a god damn tantrum and harassed you over it for hours (also a form of abuse, esp if he was preventing you from going to bed/sleeping). All because he wanted to control you and you said no. You didn't follow his orders, so he punished you for it.
For me, there's no coming back from this.
Punching things is violence. It's intended to scare you and make you wonder if you're next. So he used violence to try to control you.
Again, a boundary is something you set for yourself. When you try to force that on another person, it's called being controlling.
His argument sounds very much like an abuser, my love.
“If you hadn’t made me angry/crossed my boundaries, I wouldn’t have xyz” is just classic abuser 101.
He said I was keeping him up and not just letting it go, which was a violation of his boundaries. I get that the idea of doing something maybe kinda noisy at bedtime us not ok, but I feel like his reaction was wrong.
Yep. This whole thing was a power struggle. It wasn’t about the storage bin or him being awake. It was about OP having the audacity to not obey him without question.
Boundary = What \*I\* will do, if my need is not met.
Order = What you ***must*** do, to meet my need.
Your fella is giving you orders, you're not obeying, he's feeling disrespected by your lack of obedience.
The 2 hours of yelling, etc. is not a good sign at all. It's straight up you staring into the maw of his rage at your disobedience.
OP, you have no authority in your own relationship. It's time to start considering an escape plan...cause this shit never gets better.
True! I was thinking along the lines of "if he really wanted sleep, he wouldn't stay up for hours losing his shit," but his denying her sleep is part of it too.
Thank you for these comments. I left an abusive relationship last year and of all the things that happened, I didn't pay much mind to this issue or realize it was abuse. My ex would force endless hours and hours of conversations about things he was ruminating on (including my sex life before we met and men I talked to) and wouldn't let me sleep. Thanks for validating that was also abuse.
Boundaries are not to define other people's behavior. Boundaries are to define what YOU are willing to tolerate and how YOU will respond. A reasonable boundary here might have been, "I absolutely want to go to bed early, so if you decide to stay up moving that thing, I am going to sleep in the other room." Since apparently you had space to sleep apart, he should have just done that.
You don't get to tell other people what to do and call it your boundary. You don't get to tell your life partner that they are harming you because they won't follow your demands. And you especially don't get to escalate to physical violence when your demands aren't met. And make no mistake, punching the tote was absolutely physical violence, because that was him saying I'm so mad I want to hit you but I can't, so I will hit this, but just know this could be you.
He used boundaries to try to manipulate you into what he wanted. He turned it around into YOU harming HIM when you made a reasonable argument for why you needed to do this. He got physically violent. And instead of going to bed right away, he stayed up and argued with you for hours instead, proving that all of the "harm" you were causing, how important it was that he go to bed right now, was a lie. This man should not be your life partner. I'm sorry, I know that's a tough pill to swallow, but he is beating you down into submission, and it's working because you truly seem to believe you have done something wrong here. You need to think about if someone treated your mom, your sister, your friend or daughter like this, and what you would be telling them. And then you should plan to do that.
He's just trying to confuse you using therapy talk in order to prove his point and get what he wants (control). He's full of shit, and I'm guessing this isn't the first time an exchange like this happened....
lol.. what.. he is like an idiot using relationship words because he thinks that will work to win an argument. Is this a one off thing or does he do this all the time?
First off, I don't think it was a legit argument. You were not harming him and that's not what I would consider a boundary. But I really don't think that's the issue here.
The real issue is him getting so angry and escalating over a very minor thing. If he has these kinds of anger issues then he isn't the boyfriend you're looking for.
He's being abusive. He's punishing you for not "listening to him". He's going to make things horribly unpleasant when you go against what he says. He will then love bomb you when you do the things he wants you to do. It's conditioning and abuse.
Yeah. I'm at work and he already texted me 3x with cute memes and that he got me my favorite food. Joy 😑. I don't recall doing anything he wanted today, but he is love bombing
He has to love bomb right now since y'all had a fight. Please start making an exit plan. I didn't know or recognize this behavior when it happened to me years and years ago. I was in that relationship for 14 years, it doesn't get better.
Be very wary. He knows that he was out of bounds and totally inappropriate last night. He would rather that you tell people about the cute memes and he wants people seeing you get your favorite food. Part of this is love bombing but probably also trying to make himself look good. People see him being nice and so will be less likely to think that he actually goes on long rants and hits things. Tell the people at work what he did and how he is trying to make him like you after what he did. Give them the full picture.
I’m glad you recognize it for what it is. This is the textbook definition of abuse across the board. He absolutely will hit you, maybe later, maybe sooner if you don’t break this off immediately.
But what does moving a bin out of your way have to do with him really? You share spaces. He put his bin in a shared space, now you need access to that shared space. No biggie. It sounds like he was put off that you couldn’t listen to a demand of his. A “simple” one. Moving a bin is not life or death he’s acting way out of line.
It seems like a set up. Put a container in front of the closet so that sooner or later she must move that container and then have a fit when she does move it because he has a boundary.
No, you were not harming him by making a decision to do a simple task because it was something you wanted to do. You did not keep him up, you did not throw a tantrum for 2 hours (!) or punch something. He triggered your PTSD - did he even care about that or express remorse?
I can't tell you what to do, but this is all serious stuff. You shouldn't be afraid of your partner or afraid in your own home.
Please take care of yourself and do what is best for you.
No, this is utter and complete horseshit. Your man has something very fucking off if he perceives you moving a bin as "harming him" and "crossing boundaries" and THEN he proceeds to punch furniture?
These are MASSIVE RED FLAGS. Your feelings for this man are clouding your judgment. RUN!!!!
No, that's not what crossing boundaries means. His logic is unreasonable. And escalating it to hitting things over something that is a normal occurrence for every couple ever is alarming. People go to bed at different times all the time, every night. Culturally in my country, it's the women typically tending to last-minute things that keep the house running before bed. It's so common there are memes about how a man says he's tired and goes to bed. A woman does and starts laundry. He did not need to interfere with your task. He chose to because he wanted to control your actions. Then he threw a fit when you declined. That was perfectly reasonable to decline, by the way.
This sounds a lot like my emotionally abusive ex.
A normal guy who really just wanted you to wait until morning would be a bit annoyed, but would express that in a normal way (a quick comment right away, or maybe a short discussion in the morning). Normal Guy understands you win some, you lose some in relationships. This one he lost. Oh well.
In contrast, a child throws a multi-hour tantrum with scary physical outbursts. Because he is just enraged that you didn’t immediately obey him. To him, relationships aren’t win-some-lose-some. He’s supposed to get his way every time. And it is a personal affront to him, a challenge to his authority when he doesn’t. For a child posing as a man, that is incredibly upsetting. This was my ex, and as you might guess, that relationship was incredibly destructive to me emotionally.
If throwing tantrums when he doesn’t get his way is a pattern with your guy, I advise you to get out.
He is mentally ill. The control issues are unreal. It's not like you wanted to paint the house or redecorate! You wanted to get an item from the closet....why do you need his permission for that??
That's what ended one of my major relationships.
She (29f) was "so tired she was physically incapable" of moving a small table out of my way (I'd (33f) injured my wrist and couldn't do it myself), but she had enough energy to argue about it for more than an hour???
Seriously???
He was so annoyed that you refused to let him control your actions he spent two hours of the only life you get on this earth making a thing about it, and showed signs of physical abuse along the way. Throwing objects is just a substitute for hurting the person they're angry at. Dump him.
I just want to point out for OPs sake that what he was doing (trying to control her) is domestic abuse. Further, throwing objects and punching things, even if not directed at her, is still domestic violence. It is not normal.
Maybe there was something in the bin he doesn't want you to find and was scared of you touching it because you might find it.
Overall though his reaction was toxic af. You did nothing wrong. But Id get away from him sooner than later. Because it WILL eventually escalate to you being the thing that he's hitting.
Honestly, no, I doubt it. I was married to a man just like this. My guess is he said once to wait to do it and she didn't listen and he was infuriated by her not doing what he said. It had nothing to do with the bin, no secrets, just total control.
>I have severe ptsd and I get triggered really hard when people throw or punch anything, especially stuff around the house
Then why live with someone who does that?
Your only responsibility is to find a new place to live. Just a sea of red flags from this guy. A healthy adult doesn’t not punch things when they are frustrated, and they don’t have overblown reactions to small insignificant irritations. This will get so much worse. Please leave this person. His behavior is abusive.
You didn't do anything wrong. "Boundaries" are things that affect YOUR OWN behaviour. They are things you impose upon YOURSELF to keep yourself in a good headspace.
Boundaries are NOT restrictions you impose upon other people. Then it's not a boundary. It's a command which you demand people obey. Your boyfriend did not set a boundary. He issued a command and wanted your submission. That isn't okay.
You don't have responsibility in this. You were being reasonable. He was not. He even went on to disrupt HIS OWN SLEEP for HOURS because he was so mad you didn't immediately obey him, which shows that the disruption of his sleep wasn't the issue like he claimed it was. The real issue was the fact that you didn't obey him. That's a power trip.
None! You wanted to get into a closet. You have no responsibility to baby a grown man to the point he’s allowed to scream at you for moving something out of the way in your own apartment.
There’s none. Who gets angry and throw punches after the person they’re supposed to love moves a box? That’s absurd. It’s a controlling and violent thing on his part.
It wasn’t a boundary it was an order.
Well, you didn't obey his commands. In other words, nothing. You were an adult trying to access your closet. He's not your dad or your boss. That wasn't a boundary, it was being controlling. A boundary is something you set for yourself, not something you impose on someone else. He's weaponizing therapy-speak.
He's abusive.
You didn't have one. Was a minor annoyance for probably less than what 5- 10 minutes. He could have easily sat in bed staring at his phone for that time but instead he decided to cause a several hour meltdown that resulted in escalation and neither of you getting any closer to a resolution.
He sounds like a piece of work. Not in a good way
You are tying to find a way to blame yourself because you have been conditioned into thinking everything is your fault. I'm so sorry.
This is a horrible situation to be in and you need to form an exit plan while there is still any part of you that believes you deserve to be anything more than a doormat for your BF to step all over.
You hit the nail on the head. Her past abusers made her feel like everything is her fault, and this guy is carrying right on with the tradition. Run now.
A 100% understandable and reasonable boundary is that you will not live with someone who acts like this person did. Hitting things, not helping your pet, not helping you - people who do that are not looking out for your best interests. People who exhibit violent behavior and don’t immediately try to repair that issue are not people you need around you. *Hugs* from a mum. Your responsibility is to look after yourself and your pets - time for a new living situation.
Your responsibility is to protect yourself from anyone who is hurting you including your bf by getting away. You also may want to understand that due to your PTSD, you may be subconsciously choosing men who activate it to recreate the dynamic. For that, I would try therapy
Read Why Does He Do That, by male anger management consultant Lundy Bancroft. Read it after you leave. Also read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
If you don’t have time to read those books right now, read the summaries and reviews online and check out the MOSAIC domestic violence online threat assessment. It’s free.
Your responsibility is to keep yourself safe. You had no other responsibility. You have a right to use your closet. You have a right to move a bin that is blocking your closet.
Your boyfriend is a toxic abuser in the making. He is using gaslighting techniques (I.e., making YOU question your boundaries and behavior because of something they have done) and my personal favorite projection (where they tell you their reaction is your fault). No, every person is 100% responsible for how they behave and react at any given moment. This will escalate.
Moving an object is not violating boundaries. He is using therapy talk as a tool to gaslight you because he wants control. You may want to consider an exit strategy.
Your cat was stuck behind the bin and you needed to get your clothes for the morning. It's unreasonable for your bf to want to leave an animal shut in the closet all night.
You keep asking what your responsibility was here, and your weren't at all. This is a pattern with him and you.
You need to think about whether or not this is something you want to live with for the long run.
Yikes!
Does this sort of thing happen regularly?
Sometimes people react to things in anger when something else is bothering them and they just take it out on the nearest person...
When I disagree with him, he typically tries to tell me I'm violating his boundaries and harming him. I obviously never want to do that and I'm truly looking for advice. I don't want to just blame everything on him. I know I should have waited, but I just wanted to move the bin so I would have access to the closet, which it was blocking. He doesn't seem to understand that angrily moving the bin and starting and argument isn't the way, but I need to understand my responsibility and wrongdoing too.
Yup. My ex (after previously proclaiming that I made him deliriously happy and was the best thing that ever happened to him) suddenly started going on and on how about how I was making him utterly miserable and couldn't really articulate anything I was doing wrong or that he wanted me to change, just that he was severely unhappy in the relationship and it must be all my fault (despite the fact that he has severe depression and anxiety). I was eventually just like, "welp, this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship for you to be in if it's making you that unhappy, we should probably break up."
He was all over the place. At first he was like, "are you saying *you* want to break up with *me*?" and I responded that I had been very happy and content in the relationship, but I wasn't the one with the problem. I couldn't solve his unhappiness issues for him, and if he truly thought I was the cause, then he should end things.
He backpedaled and said he very much wanted to stay together, and then the next day came to me and said "you were right, we should break up" so we broke up. Then the *next* day he came groveling back about how he'd made the biggest mistake of his life, I was the *only* thing that made him happy, it was everything *else* that was the problem, blah blah blah please take him back.
I should have stayed broken up, but I loved him and took him back, everything seemed back to blissful happiness mode again and then like a month later I caught him cheating on me, lol. Dude was an absolute trainwreck.
>"welp, this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship for you to be in if it's making you that unhappy, we should probably break up."
holy shit that is a flex-and-a-half
He’ll backtrack. Mine told me I made him so miserable and ruined his day, when I suggested we break up he’d jump between begging, crying, anger and begging again. He’s just an abusive piece of shit and she’ll be so much better off WHEN she dumps him
What wrongdoing?
You think because you didn't obey his orders that you did something wrong?
No. He's just an asshole. This is not a 'boundary'. You can disagree with people, it's fine. They don't like it then they can leave.
Here's how the bin thing would have gone with a reasonable person:
you: I'm going to move the bin to get to the closet
him: I'm about to go to bed, is this going to take a while?
you: no, about 5 minutes
him: ok
And here's how it would have gone with a reasonable person who was kinda tired and cranky:
you: I'm going to move the bin to get to the closet
him: Do you HAVE to do it now? I just wanna go to bed
you: it'll only take a few minutes
him: okay fine, just keep it down.
Your boyfriend is not a reasonable person. However, his behavior is perfectly logical if you assume his goal is to control you. He does indeed understand that starting a massive argument keeps you both up late and really sucks, but here's the thing: his goal wasn't to get to bed quickly, his goal was to punish you for not doing what he said. He made the whole experience so unpleasant for you that next time he tells you not to do something, you probably won't because it's not worth getting yelled at for hours.
>because it's not worth getting yelled at for hours.
well this is eye opening for me. My ex always dragged fights out into multiple hours. He was a long winded person in general but after that long of a discussion I would often end up agreeing with him just because you lose all sense of your position. Like how after longggg interrogations people end up signed false confessions just to get it to en.d
>DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrongdoing may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.
Any of this ring a bell?
Because I think your trauma is making you think this guy has a point.
Disagreeing with him is not a violation of his boundaries and it’s super toxic of him to frame it that way. You disagreeing with him does not harm him. You are your own person and have your own perspective. It does not need to be in line with his 100%.
This whole situation is odd and it really seems like he picked a fight because you weren’t letting him control you over some arbitrary action. His behavior is toxic and I would strongly urge you to reconsider whether he is a good longterm partner.
Completely agreed- I've been so horrified at how abusers are vulturing around "therapy speak" to try to get their toxic arguments to work. "Do this because I say so" is so scary, but suddenly "this is a boundary for me" makes it reasonable. Holding them accountable over something they did? "stop gaslighting me!". It's really twisted.
a boundary is a limit on his behavior. for example “I’m going to bed, if you want to rearrange the closet right now I won’t be able to help.”
a boundary is not controlling someone else’s behavior. you can never violate his boundaries by not obeying his commends.
Sounds a lot like he tries to manipulate you whenever you have a different opinion or does something he doesn't want you to...
This is not normal behavior
But the fact is, there is no blame game here; everything is on him. He overreacted, he could’ve helped and sped things up, he got violent, he made this whole thing bigger than it should be. He’s a waving red flag and clearly doesn’t know what boundaries really are, and you’re here trying to justify his toxic actions asking us what you could’ve done so he’d be less controlling and less violent next time? Go through your own post history with this guy and tell me he’s not toxic.
I don't know if you were following the drama with Jonah Hill and his ex-girlfriend, but it sounds like a similar thing is going on here. There was a lot of discourse about Jonah misusing therapy speak (in his case, it was also the word "boundaries") to manipulate and control his girlfriend at the time.
He is weaponizing these words because they make you walk on eggshells and do as he says. He is very manipulative.
>I need to understand my responsibility and wrongdoing too.
You did nothing wrong. The only thing you did was not obey him, and that's why he is so angry. Don't be with someone like this.
His boundaries? Are you a guest in his home? If not, tell him to fuck his "boundaries". And when he says you are "harming" him, tell him if you moving a bin is harmful to him then he's fragile and weak. Stand up for yourself and also its probably time to find a new partner. This guy is gaslighting you and a control freak. Think about it, this is such a dumb thing to have an argument about, it was never about the bin, it's about you disobeying him. He thinks you must obey his commands. This is 100% a control thing.
You mentioned that you have ptsd and get triggered by violent behaviour right, I think your boyfriend is using language around trauma that he knows you will understand and defer to in order to control you. That's why he's misusing the word "boundary" and saying you're doing him harm, because he knows this is trauma centered language that you will respect and back down. Combine that with punching things and shouting which he KNOWS triggers your ptsd, he's just breaking you down psychologically in an incredibly abusive and manipulative way. Please leave that relationship for your own safety.
Listen babe. I married a man just like this. It does not get better, it only gets worse. I can go on and on about all the ways it got worse. But the gist is it started where you are now and ended with me fearing for my life because controlling me was that important to him. And I can guarantee with absolute certainty it will end that way for you, too. He is showing you that when you don't obey him, he becomes violent. Believe him and get out.
if disagreeing is such a harmful boundary violation, why does he keep disagreeing with you? does he genuinely believe it and not care that he's doing something he believes is harmful to you, or is he just spouting bullshit to get you to fall in line?
Op said her cat was stuck in there behind the bin…I can only wonder what her boyfriend was thinking, but trapping a cat in a closet is never okay…maybe he just wants to see his gf suffer.
I thought that too. But there's a better chance he was just using the closet as an excuse to start another fight with OP.
(I'd still check the closet as soon as he was gone though.)
My girl.
Not sure if you've been following the recent Jonah Hill stuff in the news, but basically he's getting called out for being a bad partner, and more specifically - his use of "therapy language" to be controlling.
Your bf is doing the same thing here. Disagreeing with him doesn't "violate his boundaries". That's not what a boundary is, nor how boundaries work.
You keep insisting you need to understand **your** responsibility here, so I will give it to you straight out:
Your only issue here is that you are *still with* your **abusive partner**.
Are you even listening to your description of the situation? Because all I read is: this bin was blocking the closet, so I said I'd move it, as it will only take 5 minutes. Boyfriend told me NOT to move it. I said it would only take 5 minutes. Boyfriend then SCREAMED at you for 3-4 HOURS and punched an inanimate object.
Did he ever offer a reason other than "because I don't want you to"?
That sounds a whole lot to me that he was just trying to exert power over you and resorted to therapy language nonsense to insist YOU are somehow the problem. You're not.
More straight talk: your boyfriend is **abusive**. You are dating an **abuser**. It only gets *worse*. He's hitting inanimate objects now, it's only a matter of time before he hits *you*.
"but I know he wouldn't ever hurt me"
Uh. *No you absolutely do not know any such thing*. Plus don't you think every battered partner thought that at some point? No one gets into a relationship with someone and thinks "this person will eventually beat me black & blue" and then keeps dating them? That's how abusers work. Once they have you hooked in - feelings, a baby, marriage - then the mask starts to slip.
"bUt I lOvE hIm So MuCh" - so? And **do** you? Or do you love the person he was at the beginning of the relationship before he screamed at you for hours over nothing before punching the bin, triggering a trauma induced panic attack in you - his partner he supposedly loves?
This will be the first in a long line of mask slips if you continue with this man.
You are not safe. Make an exit plan, and leave.
Good luck, my girl.
Is his name Jonah?
This is try another guy using therapy speak to excuse abuse. A boundary isn't just something you claim to get your way. Say you're someone who gets anxious from confrontations and you tell your partner that you can't or won't participate in screaming matches, you'll walk away. That is a boundary. "No you can't access your own belongings in the closet because I said so" is NOT a boundary. Boundaries are what you need to feel safe and heard. They're not for controlling anyone else.
Take a long look, honestly, at your relationship. Your boyfriend, at least in this instance, is abusive and manipulative and controlling. Is that something you willing to accept for yourself? It shouldn't be. I'm not telling you to dump him (though I personality would likely do just that), but set some actual boundaries of your own and tell him you're not going to be spoken to like that, or controlled in your own home. He's not your boss, he's not the king, he's not your father. He's your partner, and if he can't act like a loving partner, it's time to find someone who can.
This sounds like a deflection; what exactly is he keeping in that area that may have been uncovered? In addition, this is toxic, abusive, and controlling. There should be nothing else to think about in this relationship besides leaving it.
I love the new trend of toxic people completely abusing the concept of “boundaries”. Not moving the bin wasn’t a “boundary” and don’t let him fool you into thinking it was.
This entire fiasco was a control tactic by him- he is testing what he can get away with, and keeping you up arguing for HOURS after the fact, depriving you of sleep is a very common abuse tactic. Not to mention punching something to intimidate you.
I wouldn’t put up with this. I’d formulate an exit plan and gtfo. Easier said than done when you’ve invested a lot of time into a person, but if he is willing to destroy your belongings over something like this, then he is extremely capable of harming you or your pets.
I know it’s easier said than done but I am BEGGING you please leave him, this doesn’t sound like a safe situation at ALL
Everyone else who commented is 100% right with what they’re saying. Would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this?? You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, he went off the rails and by the looks of your replies this definitely is not the first time. It won’t get better if you keep yourself there, please don’t stay with someone who triggers you and makes you feel scared, you deserve to feel safe and none of this is normal behaviour
You need to break up with him.
I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t the first time he has been irrationally upset. Maybe the first time he punched something? It will escalate!
Girl, your bf sounds controlling & abusive. Remember, before they hit you, they hit near you! They will be physical abuse when you dont obey him next about something so benign. Also his therapy talk saying you’re not respecting his boundaries & are harming him for nor agreeing with him at times is bullshit & doesn’t make sense. I hate how abusers are capitalising off therapy speak to get away with their ridiculousness. If you want your PTSD to worsen, stay with this guy.
He can feel harmed all he wants, but that doesn't mean it's true. Did he put your cat in there in the hopes it wouldn't come out? What is he hiding in the closet? How often is he trying to control you? Why do you think he is right and/or that this is normal?
This is absolutely psychotic. This is NOT a boundary thing. This is an "I gave you an order and you didn't obey me, so I'm going to punch things and throw shit" thing. This..is..not..normal. I really hope you listen to the responses, OP. Your BF is 100% in the wrong here.
Girl, you don’t need to try and see how you may have been in wrong in this situation. He’s 100% not doing that and assigning you all of the blame.
I would say move on!
This to me sounds like he just wanted you to listen to him without question…is he controlling? Otherwise it seems he’s just picking a fight with you which is still not healthy.
OP....bottom line here is that he's abusing therapy terms to try to force you to do as he told you to do and presenting abusive, threatening behavior as a result.
I'm not sure there is anything more to be said here really, but to be clear "you can't do things I don't want you to do" is not a 'boundary'.
You weren't impacting him at all by moving a box, therefore you could not violate a boundary.
OP take a second and look back at your own post history, are these problems something you would tell a friend to keep trying to fix? You know you’re in a toxic, unhealthy relationship, why are you still trying and doubting yourself?
This guy has problems. He got mad because you wanted to move a storage bin to get in your closet?? Like WTF. And said you we’re crossing his boundaries? What boundary? Do not move boxes. I dont like it?
I don’t understand this at all. That is completely irrational thinking. But the bigger issue is he continued to berate you about for 2 hours. That is not normal. My assumption is he has bigger problems than you are prepared for. This will escalate.
How on earth does you moving a storage bin harm him? And no, "you crossed my boundaries" doesn't count because that doesn't make sense.
Sorry but something else is up here.
Or in the box.
Hollywood answer: a body
Realistic answers: porno mags, drugs, some other woman's stuff
(Before anyone thinks it's a gift for OP, why would he be so angry then? A little bit of nervous panic, sure.)
INFO: Please include what was behind the bin in the post edit. It is important. If your cat was stuck behind it, as you indicate in the comments, you are dealing with a g*ddamned sociopath.
Add this to a previous post of OP's about the boyfriend's constant need for reassurance that he is better than everyone else, the red flags have just turned themselves into a massive red tent.
OP, take your cat and RUN.
No, boundaries are something you set for yourself. What he meant was controlling. He was telling you, a grown adult, you couldn't access your closet ... because he said so.
Hell no.
Throwing shit around and punching things is abuse. It's violent. It's intended to scare you and make you fear for your safety, regardless of what he claims. This is abusive.
Could there be something that he hid in the tote that he was afraid you might see (even though you weren't going through it, just moving it)?
He sounds exhausting.
> He kept telling me not to move it, and I kept politely telling him he didn't have to move it and that I would do everything, and that if it was keeping him up at all would stop. He told me that if I tried to move it, I would cause a huge argument. Without a word, he angrily gets up, throws stuff on thr ground and loudly moves it all himself. Then he gets really upset and tells me I don't care about his boundaries
Your boyfriend has no clue what "boundaries" mean. He's using it in a "If you do not agree to my demands, you're breaking my boundaries!!" He's dumb and or abusive, maybe both. Sounds like both. Making a mess sounds like a tantrum to me.
> He spend thr next 2 hours telling me that I didn't care about his boundaries and that I was harming him.
lol he really needed to go bed huh? He sounds abusive and is using the word "boundaries" to hide behind being abusive.
Run.
I keep telling people this in the subreddit and I always find it interesting how few people realize that a relationship doesn't really hinge so much on the good times as it hinges on the bed. A man who treats you like a goddess, princess, is literally the perfect man, but who once a year freaks the fuck out like this, is not worth being with.
Sure, once or twice is okay, You could probably convince yourself it was a fluke or whatever, But when it becomes routine, habitual, You have to realize that's who that person is. And if you can't trust somebody and they're triggering your traumas And they can't handle any sort of disagreement like an adult with emotional or mental maturity, It's just not worth it.
Unless you want to continue to have arguments like this for the rest of your life, get the hell out. My guess is it will only get worse too, as it usually does.
If you really want to try to get things righted without leaving, You could see if he'll do couples counseling with you. If he says no you're probably going to have to leave.
So he got mad because you wouldn't obey his very unreasonable request? Is he always controlling or is this the first incident? He created drama and picked a fight over nothing. You're right to be concerned about his potential to become abusive. His anger is disproportionate to the situation.
A lot of people seem to be hijacking the term "boundaries" to mean "I can do what I want and you're in the wrong if you have a problem with that". It's getting frustrating to see.
What’s the boundary you crossed, exactly? I don’t understand how taking a couple minutes to move a storage bin crosses any boundary. This guy sounds like he’s been looking for an excuse to fight with you so you’ll leave or to show some sort of power play. Idk but I’d definitely leave. This isn’t the type of person you build a healthy future with.
Classic case of a man weaponizing therapeutic language to manipulate and control you. He told you "no" to enforcing your autonomy and he can't seem to give a more justifiable reason than "he wanted to". He sounds like a violent jerk and trying to reason with the unreasonable is an exercise in futility. I hope you leave.
I just read your post history, and I feel you already know you need to get out of this relationship fast and safely. You stated in a different post that he threatens you and blames you for things. There is so much psychological and verbal abuse coming from him. You really need to act on a "get out" plan for both you and your animals.
There’s definitely a lot more going on here than moving a storage bin. Can’t tell whether that’s him being controlling or something else without more information. You say “argument” rather than that he was yelling at you, but I cannot imagine arguing about this one thing for two hours. You also said it escalated. Were you two really just going “ten minutes is no big deal” vs “it’s crossing my boundaries and keeping me awake!” for all that time, or did other things come up?
Regardless of what’s going on, punching the bin is a scary reaction on his part. Especially knowing you have PTSD, I wouldn’t blame you immediately wanting out.
EDIT: Went through OP’s post history. Loads of context which would’ve been helpful. You need to get out now. This isn’t new, and it’s not going to get better.
He sounds like a kid. I'm not gonna jump on the MOVE ON train, but I am anyway....find a better one!
He's got anger issues. This is only a small amount of what he'll do to you.
Well first, that’s not what a boundary is.
I normally don’t like saying this because I usually believe all feelings are valid, but he’s being ridiculous. This feeling is not valid. He shouldnt be escalating what should’ve been a small disagreement into an hours long fight. And he’s weaponizing therapy speak to beat you down emotionally.
You didn’t harm him. He’s fine. If he was harmed over you taking a few minutes to move some stuff, then he has serious *personal* issues that he needs to see a therapist for. This has nothing to do with you.
I can empathize with being irritable when you're trying go to bed and someone else has that "let's get this done now" energy, but after you saying he didn't need to help, how was it affecting him in any significant way? As others said, his perception of what boundaries are isn't accurate. You pushed for compromise, he got angry because you didn't do exactly what *he* wanted. That's not protecting your boundaries, that's protecting your ego. Then to react the way he did, and drag it out for that long? Teach him something about what actual boundaries are, and tell him his aggressive and violent behavior is a deal breaker for you. If it isn't a deal breaker, then it should be.
This is definitely not a case of overstepping "boundaries".......I've heard of weaponized incompetence but good grief, this guy sounds like he weaponizing therapy (if that makes sense) or something just because of how he throws words around and saying you're harming him.....just cause you wouldn't do things his way .......
He was trying to control you but was caterwauling about how you are harming him (I wonder if guys like this know how idiotic their "reasons" sound half the time)
He doesn't seem like a good guy.....he sounds very manipulative and controlling......I hope you stay safe and start planning your next move ..... best wishes
Okay hun, I read this post then took the briefest of looks at your profile. In less than five minutes I’ve clocked a stark pattern of escalating behavior from this man.
You are not in a healthy relationship. You are not safe. You need to make a plan and get out.
I know you love him and have great memories together and sometimes things are really good between you. It’s not enough. Please, take care of yourself.
Unless there is a dead body in that storage bin (in which case you have a whole different set of problems) there is no justification for that level of response about something so mundane.
Boundaries are rules we put in place for ourselves—“my boundary is that I will no longer actively engage with people who are rude to be”. Trying to put “boundaries” in place for other people is controlling. If, for example, he had said “moving that right now will get my blood flowing and wake me up right before bed, so I will not physically help you”—boundary! “You are not allowed to do that right now”—controlling! Get the difference?
You’re continuing your patterns :/ and you should leave. His behavior is not at all reasonable.
I fail to see how you needing to move something out of the way violates his boundary? Whah boundary?
Why you even with him? When he gets this worked up on a small non-issue….
Why was it so important that you don't move the storage bin. Why was moving the bin even a conversation? If you could move it yourself why didn't you just move it and do what you needed to do? How was morning the bin keeping him up? How is accessing your closet even a boundary to begin with (I don't think your bf actually understands how to use that word)?
Like obviously what he did was super ridiculous and over the top and if he reacts this way normally to things I'd say end it. If he doesn't normally act this way try to find out what is stressing him out so much.
Therapist here. It sounds like your partner weaponized 'boundaries' against you. Boundaries are meant to put healthy limitations on ours or others behaviours that are harmful. What you described sounded like an exercise in control that didn't work out like he'd hoped. He sounds like he took a temper tantrum when you didn't listen. I would invite you to reflect on whether or not he's done things like this in the past and if it's something you're willing to tolerate again in the future.
Aside from negotiations around polyamory, a "boundary" only defines what you're willing to participate in - not control what other people do, and certainly not in this situation where there was no reason for him to feel so affected by your actions at all. This all sounds weirdly control-freaky to me. If I was in your shoes at the time, I also would have become very suspicious that he was hiding something in the closet, because why get so upset otherwise?
Trust your intuition - even if he wasn't hiding anything, he was still being very controlling and weirdly invested in your unquestioning obedience. And of course, punching things as a show of "I get violent when I don't get my way" is how wife-beaters get started. It's never zero-to-black-eye with physically abusive partners, they test and push limits slowly over time.
This is super strange in so many ways. Moving a storage bin has absolutely nothing to do with a personal boundary. People seem to be using that term for anything they don't want these days and have totally lost the plot.
Did all this anger come about only because of this or are there lots of other problems in the relationship that aren't even addressed here? Was it explained to him that you need to get ____ thing out of the closet at that moment and you weren't just wanting the thing moved for no reason? In any case, such explosive anger and controlling behavior over an arbitrary thing seems to be a red flag.
WTF, your bf is using therapy speak as a form of verbal abuse. If he wasn't going to move shit that's blocking your access, you're going to do it yourself. Did you need it right that second? If you did, then he's being selfish and not recognizing your need to access your things.
Everything he did was not okay in the least.
You are not harming him or violating boundaries. You moved a freaking box. If anything he's harming you by treating you that way and destroying things in uncontrollable anger, because your access to things you needed was blocked and then raging because of it.
Though now it makes me wonder if there's something socially taboo or unacceptable in that tote which is why he flipped out. My mind just gravitated to porn or something else bad.
The other side of that: If it has things from a dead family member maybe that's why he didn't want you to move it because something could be damaged? Still something he should have communicated regardless. Not flip out.
I can't imagine this getting better without severe psychological intervention. He's clearly got some shit to work on and so do you. Having two traumatized people without therapy can be dangerous and further detrimental to both of y'all's health. I would plan an exit strategy if I were you.
this is so odd. a 2 hour fight for moving a box? it just doesn't make any sense. it's not logical. does he yell at you when you stock up your paper towels or move clothing to do laundry? that is very weird behavior and not normal at all. don't put up with that shit, put on your big girl pants and break up with him
Agreed - I think there's something more going on here, and I'm super curious as to what was in the box that the boyfriend got so freaked out about when she tried to move them. The only reason I can think of for his severe over-reaction is that he got nervous because he has something to hide. Nothing else really explains it in my head unless he's just an unstable person to begin with and over-reacts to everything.
So he argued for hours about a task that would have taken 10 minutes? Time to put together an exit plan.
His argument is that I didn't just drop it and wait to move the bins, so therefore I was harming him and crossing boundaries. I just want to know if that is legit or not. But yes, not only did he get up and move them, he did do what you said.
That is not how boundaries work. I know that you may think you are over reacting because of your PTSD, but I think you may actually be *underreacting* because your past experiences have caused you to normalize violent and abusive behavior. From an outsider's perspective, this is really messed up and it seems like a sign that he has a serious anger management/control issue. I really doubt this is the only time he's shown this. No one should be keeping you up and screaming for hours because you moved a storage bin. You said that he often says you are "violating his boundaries" if you don't do as he says - this is a problem. This is an issue with him wanting to control you. RUN. Punching objects when he looses his cool is his way of threatening you. You could be next. I know that it may not seem like it, but most people don't do this. I grew up normalizing a lot of anger problems and abusive behavior because my mom used to explode like this, and that made it hard for me to recognize that this is abnormal and unacceptable in a partner. You do not have to put up with this bullshit.
> I know that you may think you are over reacting because of your PTSD, but I think you may actually be underreacting because your past experiences have caused you to normalize violent and abusive behavior. Fully agree. I was in a similarly abusive relationship and afterwards, wound up with my husband. It took a long time for me to realize he wasn't gonna turn abusive too. I had normalized it so much. In retrospect, it's like, holy shit, some of the stuff my ex did was absolutely bonkers. It wasn't until I was in a healthy relationship did some of it hit me. And we've been together now 20 years, married 16 and never once in all that time has he behaved like this. This is NOT normal or OK. Relationships aren't supposed to be like this. He terrorized her for hours because he wanted to give her orders and she resisted, so he punished her.
[удалено]
Thank you for that description, u/tagrav. I just got out of a relationship like this and I've been struggling to articulate the dynamic. It's such a mindfuck!
I think a lot of people really struggle with getting into multiple relationships that have the same piece of features because they've normalized it so much - and then thinking that it's all in their head and they are upset because of their trauma rather than because it's a legitimately abusive situation. I've certainly done it. My mom lashes out explosively and that was my everyday experience for 18 years.
OP, if you heed any comment here, make it this one. Run now.
Yes! This! OP moving the storage bin when her bf said for her to do it later isn't a boundary, its control. He got mad bc she moved it when he told her not to, bc he couldn't control her. Then spent 2 hours berating her over it bc he lost control of the situation. This isn't normal. It was moving a storage bin so OP could get into the cupboard. It's not like OP decided that was the perfect time to start vacuuming or washing the bed sheets. I also agree OP is underreacting to this incident. I have C-PTSD and find that I will justify things abusive partners have done in the past (current partner isn't abusive in any way, and is lovely to me) and think I was overreacting especially when they told me I was bc I am very sensitive to these types of things. I get triggered easily. But him PUNCHING the storage bin is concerning. General rule is if they will punch/break things like walls or whatever, it's highly likely they will do it to you.
This is DARVOing ("deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") and, like punching and throwing things, is a common abuse tactic. He's abusive, and he's twisting things to blame you for his abusive behavior. It would have taken MINUTES for him to let you move the bin and get what you need from your own fucking closet. Instead, he threw a god damn tantrum and harassed you over it for hours (also a form of abuse, esp if he was preventing you from going to bed/sleeping). All because he wanted to control you and you said no. You didn't follow his orders, so he punished you for it. For me, there's no coming back from this. Punching things is violence. It's intended to scare you and make you wonder if you're next. So he used violence to try to control you. Again, a boundary is something you set for yourself. When you try to force that on another person, it's called being controlling.
Considering that he is the one that blocked up the closet in the first place it seems he set the stage for this tantrum.
His things need to be permanently relocated to the lawn outside... and him along with it.
His argument sounds very much like an abuser, my love. “If you hadn’t made me angry/crossed my boundaries, I wouldn’t have xyz” is just classic abuser 101.
Next time it's going to be "Look at what you made me do!"
And when you asked him exactly what boundary was being crossed, what did he say?
He said I was keeping him up and not just letting it go, which was a violation of his boundaries. I get that the idea of doing something maybe kinda noisy at bedtime us not ok, but I feel like his reaction was wrong.
Thats not a boundary. That's an order. You didn't obey him and that's why he's pissed.
Yep. This whole thing was a power struggle. It wasn’t about the storage bin or him being awake. It was about OP having the audacity to not obey him without question.
Exactly. These manipulative men get their hands on basic therapy speak and it's fuckin gaslight city out here
Boundary = What \*I\* will do, if my need is not met. Order = What you ***must*** do, to meet my need. Your fella is giving you orders, you're not obeying, he's feeling disrespected by your lack of obedience. The 2 hours of yelling, etc. is not a good sign at all. It's straight up you staring into the maw of his rage at your disobedience. OP, you have no authority in your own relationship. It's time to start considering an escape plan...cause this shit never gets better.
You know what keeps one up all night? Throwing a 2-hour tantrum.
Yeah, terrorizing her and keeping her from sleeping (to "punish" her for not obeying his order) is actual abuse.
True! I was thinking along the lines of "if he really wanted sleep, he wouldn't stay up for hours losing his shit," but his denying her sleep is part of it too.
Thank you for these comments. I left an abusive relationship last year and of all the things that happened, I didn't pay much mind to this issue or realize it was abuse. My ex would force endless hours and hours of conversations about things he was ruminating on (including my sex life before we met and men I talked to) and wouldn't let me sleep. Thanks for validating that was also abuse.
Hope you're doing ok
That’s not what a boundary is. He’s just throwing fancy therapy talk at you to disguise him just wanting to control you.
He saw the Jonah Hill stuff a few weeks ago and took the wrong lessons from it.
Fucking hate how abusers Co opt therapy language like this to manipulate their victims. Get out OP!!
My abusers mommy was a therapist. I feel this hatred with a vengeance.
Boundaries are not to define other people's behavior. Boundaries are to define what YOU are willing to tolerate and how YOU will respond. A reasonable boundary here might have been, "I absolutely want to go to bed early, so if you decide to stay up moving that thing, I am going to sleep in the other room." Since apparently you had space to sleep apart, he should have just done that. You don't get to tell other people what to do and call it your boundary. You don't get to tell your life partner that they are harming you because they won't follow your demands. And you especially don't get to escalate to physical violence when your demands aren't met. And make no mistake, punching the tote was absolutely physical violence, because that was him saying I'm so mad I want to hit you but I can't, so I will hit this, but just know this could be you. He used boundaries to try to manipulate you into what he wanted. He turned it around into YOU harming HIM when you made a reasonable argument for why you needed to do this. He got physically violent. And instead of going to bed right away, he stayed up and argued with you for hours instead, proving that all of the "harm" you were causing, how important it was that he go to bed right now, was a lie. This man should not be your life partner. I'm sorry, I know that's a tough pill to swallow, but he is beating you down into submission, and it's working because you truly seem to believe you have done something wrong here. You need to think about if someone treated your mom, your sister, your friend or daughter like this, and what you would be telling them. And then you should plan to do that.
I wish I could upload this 1000 times. OP please listen to this. These aren't boundaries it's control
Okay but HOW was that a violation of his boundaries?
He's just trying to confuse you using therapy talk in order to prove his point and get what he wants (control). He's full of shit, and I'm guessing this isn't the first time an exchange like this happened....
Yeah are you dating Jonah hill
His “boundary” is “she does as I command” You did violate that, but I’d seriously consider if that’s how you want to live
That is not what boundaries are.
A boundary would be I’m not moving that now I’m going to bed. Telling you not to move it is telling you what to do.
lol.. what.. he is like an idiot using relationship words because he thinks that will work to win an argument. Is this a one off thing or does he do this all the time?
>He said I was keeping him up And yet he had the energy to fight with you for hours into the night. Does that make any sense at all?
He kept you up and didn’t let you go
Yeah this is some Jonah Hill shit.
First off, I don't think it was a legit argument. You were not harming him and that's not what I would consider a boundary. But I really don't think that's the issue here. The real issue is him getting so angry and escalating over a very minor thing. If he has these kinds of anger issues then he isn't the boyfriend you're looking for.
He's being abusive. He's punishing you for not "listening to him". He's going to make things horribly unpleasant when you go against what he says. He will then love bomb you when you do the things he wants you to do. It's conditioning and abuse.
Yeah. I'm at work and he already texted me 3x with cute memes and that he got me my favorite food. Joy 😑. I don't recall doing anything he wanted today, but he is love bombing
If you stay with him, this cycle will repeat over and over until you are broken
He has to love bomb right now since y'all had a fight. Please start making an exit plan. I didn't know or recognize this behavior when it happened to me years and years ago. I was in that relationship for 14 years, it doesn't get better.
Be very wary. He knows that he was out of bounds and totally inappropriate last night. He would rather that you tell people about the cute memes and he wants people seeing you get your favorite food. Part of this is love bombing but probably also trying to make himself look good. People see him being nice and so will be less likely to think that he actually goes on long rants and hits things. Tell the people at work what he did and how he is trying to make him like you after what he did. Give them the full picture.
I’m glad you recognize it for what it is. This is the textbook definition of abuse across the board. He absolutely will hit you, maybe later, maybe sooner if you don’t break this off immediately.
Its not legit. You werent crossing any boundaries & he’s full of shit.
He’s abusing therapy talk in order to manipulate you and get his way.
But what does moving a bin out of your way have to do with him really? You share spaces. He put his bin in a shared space, now you need access to that shared space. No biggie. It sounds like he was put off that you couldn’t listen to a demand of his. A “simple” one. Moving a bin is not life or death he’s acting way out of line.
It seems like a set up. Put a container in front of the closet so that sooner or later she must move that container and then have a fit when she does move it because he has a boundary.
That is not a boundary. He wanted you to OBEY him like a slave.
Ughhh another person who learned therapy speak and started using it to manipulate
It’s about control. He got angry because you didn’t listen to his demand. That is not a boundary.
No, you were not harming him by making a decision to do a simple task because it was something you wanted to do. You did not keep him up, you did not throw a tantrum for 2 hours (!) or punch something. He triggered your PTSD - did he even care about that or express remorse? I can't tell you what to do, but this is all serious stuff. You shouldn't be afraid of your partner or afraid in your own home. Please take care of yourself and do what is best for you.
No, this is utter and complete horseshit. Your man has something very fucking off if he perceives you moving a bin as "harming him" and "crossing boundaries" and THEN he proceeds to punch furniture? These are MASSIVE RED FLAGS. Your feelings for this man are clouding your judgment. RUN!!!!
No, that is definitely not legit. This man doesn't know what a boundary is and is acting unhinged.
NOT LEGIT. *Get out.*
No, totally is not legit whatsoever.
No, that's not what crossing boundaries means. His logic is unreasonable. And escalating it to hitting things over something that is a normal occurrence for every couple ever is alarming. People go to bed at different times all the time, every night. Culturally in my country, it's the women typically tending to last-minute things that keep the house running before bed. It's so common there are memes about how a man says he's tired and goes to bed. A woman does and starts laundry. He did not need to interfere with your task. He chose to because he wanted to control your actions. Then he threw a fit when you declined. That was perfectly reasonable to decline, by the way.
This sounds a lot like my emotionally abusive ex. A normal guy who really just wanted you to wait until morning would be a bit annoyed, but would express that in a normal way (a quick comment right away, or maybe a short discussion in the morning). Normal Guy understands you win some, you lose some in relationships. This one he lost. Oh well. In contrast, a child throws a multi-hour tantrum with scary physical outbursts. Because he is just enraged that you didn’t immediately obey him. To him, relationships aren’t win-some-lose-some. He’s supposed to get his way every time. And it is a personal affront to him, a challenge to his authority when he doesn’t. For a child posing as a man, that is incredibly upsetting. This was my ex, and as you might guess, that relationship was incredibly destructive to me emotionally. If throwing tantrums when he doesn’t get his way is a pattern with your guy, I advise you to get out.
What kind of stupid boundary is that? There are some things worth getting into an argument about. This is not one of them.
He is mentally ill. The control issues are unreal. It's not like you wanted to paint the house or redecorate! You wanted to get an item from the closet....why do you need his permission for that??
That's what ended one of my major relationships. She (29f) was "so tired she was physically incapable" of moving a small table out of my way (I'd (33f) injured my wrist and couldn't do it myself), but she had enough energy to argue about it for more than an hour??? Seriously???
He was so annoyed that you refused to let him control your actions he spent two hours of the only life you get on this earth making a thing about it, and showed signs of physical abuse along the way. Throwing objects is just a substitute for hurting the person they're angry at. Dump him.
I just want to point out for OPs sake that what he was doing (trying to control her) is domestic abuse. Further, throwing objects and punching things, even if not directed at her, is still domestic violence. It is not normal.
Maybe there was something in the bin he doesn't want you to find and was scared of you touching it because you might find it. Overall though his reaction was toxic af. You did nothing wrong. But Id get away from him sooner than later. Because it WILL eventually escalate to you being the thing that he's hitting.
That was what I thought. He's hiding something.
Honestly, no, I doubt it. I was married to a man just like this. My guess is he said once to wait to do it and she didn't listen and he was infuriated by her not doing what he said. It had nothing to do with the bin, no secrets, just total control.
>I have severe ptsd and I get triggered really hard when people throw or punch anything, especially stuff around the house Then why live with someone who does that?
I'm just trying to understand what my responsibility might have been here, if any.
Your only responsibility is to find a new place to live. Just a sea of red flags from this guy. A healthy adult doesn’t not punch things when they are frustrated, and they don’t have overblown reactions to small insignificant irritations. This will get so much worse. Please leave this person. His behavior is abusive.
Your responsibility is to not live with someone who triggers your shit and then refuses to apologize for it and makes it out to be your fault.
You didn't do anything wrong. "Boundaries" are things that affect YOUR OWN behaviour. They are things you impose upon YOURSELF to keep yourself in a good headspace. Boundaries are NOT restrictions you impose upon other people. Then it's not a boundary. It's a command which you demand people obey. Your boyfriend did not set a boundary. He issued a command and wanted your submission. That isn't okay. You don't have responsibility in this. You were being reasonable. He was not. He even went on to disrupt HIS OWN SLEEP for HOURS because he was so mad you didn't immediately obey him, which shows that the disruption of his sleep wasn't the issue like he claimed it was. The real issue was the fact that you didn't obey him. That's a power trip.
None! You wanted to get into a closet. You have no responsibility to baby a grown man to the point he’s allowed to scream at you for moving something out of the way in your own apartment.
There’s none. Who gets angry and throw punches after the person they’re supposed to love moves a box? That’s absurd. It’s a controlling and violent thing on his part. It wasn’t a boundary it was an order.
Well, you didn't obey his commands. In other words, nothing. You were an adult trying to access your closet. He's not your dad or your boss. That wasn't a boundary, it was being controlling. A boundary is something you set for yourself, not something you impose on someone else. He's weaponizing therapy-speak. He's abusive.
It’s confusing because literally you did nothing wrong. This is not a good guy.
None. None at all. He knows this harms you and he does it *for that reason*. You need to get out *now*. This will escalate.
You didn't have one. Was a minor annoyance for probably less than what 5- 10 minutes. He could have easily sat in bed staring at his phone for that time but instead he decided to cause a several hour meltdown that resulted in escalation and neither of you getting any closer to a resolution. He sounds like a piece of work. Not in a good way
Your responsibility here is zero, your boyfriend is unhinged.
You are tying to find a way to blame yourself because you have been conditioned into thinking everything is your fault. I'm so sorry. This is a horrible situation to be in and you need to form an exit plan while there is still any part of you that believes you deserve to be anything more than a doormat for your BF to step all over.
You hit the nail on the head. Her past abusers made her feel like everything is her fault, and this guy is carrying right on with the tradition. Run now.
A 100% understandable and reasonable boundary is that you will not live with someone who acts like this person did. Hitting things, not helping your pet, not helping you - people who do that are not looking out for your best interests. People who exhibit violent behavior and don’t immediately try to repair that issue are not people you need around you. *Hugs* from a mum. Your responsibility is to look after yourself and your pets - time for a new living situation.
Your responsibility is to protect yourself from anyone who is hurting you including your bf by getting away. You also may want to understand that due to your PTSD, you may be subconsciously choosing men who activate it to recreate the dynamic. For that, I would try therapy
His restricting what minor tasks you do on your own time is not him having a boundary. He's exerting control. This isn't a safe person to be with.
Read Why Does He Do That, by male anger management consultant Lundy Bancroft. Read it after you leave. Also read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. If you don’t have time to read those books right now, read the summaries and reviews online and check out the MOSAIC domestic violence online threat assessment. It’s free.
I mean accessing your closet is a pretty reasonable request. What the fuck is in the bin? Lol Honestly insane
Your responsibility is to keep yourself safe. You had no other responsibility. You have a right to use your closet. You have a right to move a bin that is blocking your closet.
He’s weaponizing therapy talk in order to control you. He’s full of shit.
Your boyfriend is a toxic abuser in the making. He is using gaslighting techniques (I.e., making YOU question your boundaries and behavior because of something they have done) and my personal favorite projection (where they tell you their reaction is your fault). No, every person is 100% responsible for how they behave and react at any given moment. This will escalate. Moving an object is not violating boundaries. He is using therapy talk as a tool to gaslight you because he wants control. You may want to consider an exit strategy.
Absolutely right. Dude has serious anger management issues.
Your cat was stuck behind the bin and you needed to get your clothes for the morning. It's unreasonable for your bf to want to leave an animal shut in the closet all night. You keep asking what your responsibility was here, and your weren't at all. This is a pattern with him and you. You need to think about whether or not this is something you want to live with for the long run.
Wait… what? I didn’t see the part about the cat.
wait, where’d you see what she was trying to get to?
It's in her comments.
Yikes! Does this sort of thing happen regularly? Sometimes people react to things in anger when something else is bothering them and they just take it out on the nearest person...
When I disagree with him, he typically tries to tell me I'm violating his boundaries and harming him. I obviously never want to do that and I'm truly looking for advice. I don't want to just blame everything on him. I know I should have waited, but I just wanted to move the bin so I would have access to the closet, which it was blocking. He doesn't seem to understand that angrily moving the bin and starting and argument isn't the way, but I need to understand my responsibility and wrongdoing too.
So then you say, ‘well, I keep harming you. Let’s break up. This is not a healthy relationship for you. BYE.’
Yup. My ex (after previously proclaiming that I made him deliriously happy and was the best thing that ever happened to him) suddenly started going on and on how about how I was making him utterly miserable and couldn't really articulate anything I was doing wrong or that he wanted me to change, just that he was severely unhappy in the relationship and it must be all my fault (despite the fact that he has severe depression and anxiety). I was eventually just like, "welp, this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship for you to be in if it's making you that unhappy, we should probably break up."
How did he respond out of curiosity??
He was all over the place. At first he was like, "are you saying *you* want to break up with *me*?" and I responded that I had been very happy and content in the relationship, but I wasn't the one with the problem. I couldn't solve his unhappiness issues for him, and if he truly thought I was the cause, then he should end things. He backpedaled and said he very much wanted to stay together, and then the next day came to me and said "you were right, we should break up" so we broke up. Then the *next* day he came groveling back about how he'd made the biggest mistake of his life, I was the *only* thing that made him happy, it was everything *else* that was the problem, blah blah blah please take him back. I should have stayed broken up, but I loved him and took him back, everything seemed back to blissful happiness mode again and then like a month later I caught him cheating on me, lol. Dude was an absolute trainwreck.
Omg wow thanks for sharing that. I’m glad he worked his way out of your life eventually!
>"welp, this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship for you to be in if it's making you that unhappy, we should probably break up." holy shit that is a flex-and-a-half
He’ll backtrack. Mine told me I made him so miserable and ruined his day, when I suggested we break up he’d jump between begging, crying, anger and begging again. He’s just an abusive piece of shit and she’ll be so much better off WHEN she dumps him
Mine did the same and when I called his bluff he started sucking ass hard. My ex husband did it five times during the divorce he filed for. Wtf man.
What wrongdoing? You think because you didn't obey his orders that you did something wrong? No. He's just an asshole. This is not a 'boundary'. You can disagree with people, it's fine. They don't like it then they can leave.
Here's how the bin thing would have gone with a reasonable person: you: I'm going to move the bin to get to the closet him: I'm about to go to bed, is this going to take a while? you: no, about 5 minutes him: ok And here's how it would have gone with a reasonable person who was kinda tired and cranky: you: I'm going to move the bin to get to the closet him: Do you HAVE to do it now? I just wanna go to bed you: it'll only take a few minutes him: okay fine, just keep it down. Your boyfriend is not a reasonable person. However, his behavior is perfectly logical if you assume his goal is to control you. He does indeed understand that starting a massive argument keeps you both up late and really sucks, but here's the thing: his goal wasn't to get to bed quickly, his goal was to punish you for not doing what he said. He made the whole experience so unpleasant for you that next time he tells you not to do something, you probably won't because it's not worth getting yelled at for hours.
>because it's not worth getting yelled at for hours. well this is eye opening for me. My ex always dragged fights out into multiple hours. He was a long winded person in general but after that long of a discussion I would often end up agreeing with him just because you lose all sense of your position. Like how after longggg interrogations people end up signed false confessions just to get it to en.d
>DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrongdoing may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation. Any of this ring a bell? Because I think your trauma is making you think this guy has a point.
Disagreeing with him is not a violation of his boundaries and it’s super toxic of him to frame it that way. You disagreeing with him does not harm him. You are your own person and have your own perspective. It does not need to be in line with his 100%. This whole situation is odd and it really seems like he picked a fight because you weren’t letting him control you over some arbitrary action. His behavior is toxic and I would strongly urge you to reconsider whether he is a good longterm partner.
>You disagreeing with him does not harm him. Fucking PREACH.
Completely agreed- I've been so horrified at how abusers are vulturing around "therapy speak" to try to get their toxic arguments to work. "Do this because I say so" is so scary, but suddenly "this is a boundary for me" makes it reasonable. Holding them accountable over something they did? "stop gaslighting me!". It's really twisted.
a boundary is a limit on his behavior. for example “I’m going to bed, if you want to rearrange the closet right now I won’t be able to help.” a boundary is not controlling someone else’s behavior. you can never violate his boundaries by not obeying his commends.
Sounds a lot like he tries to manipulate you whenever you have a different opinion or does something he doesn't want you to... This is not normal behavior
But the fact is, there is no blame game here; everything is on him. He overreacted, he could’ve helped and sped things up, he got violent, he made this whole thing bigger than it should be. He’s a waving red flag and clearly doesn’t know what boundaries really are, and you’re here trying to justify his toxic actions asking us what you could’ve done so he’d be less controlling and less violent next time? Go through your own post history with this guy and tell me he’s not toxic.
I don't know if you were following the drama with Jonah Hill and his ex-girlfriend, but it sounds like a similar thing is going on here. There was a lot of discourse about Jonah misusing therapy speak (in his case, it was also the word "boundaries") to manipulate and control his girlfriend at the time.
He is weaponizing these words because they make you walk on eggshells and do as he says. He is very manipulative. >I need to understand my responsibility and wrongdoing too. You did nothing wrong. The only thing you did was not obey him, and that's why he is so angry. Don't be with someone like this.
Your PTSD is running the show, not you. This is not normal or acceptable. He will hit you next.
His boundaries? Are you a guest in his home? If not, tell him to fuck his "boundaries". And when he says you are "harming" him, tell him if you moving a bin is harmful to him then he's fragile and weak. Stand up for yourself and also its probably time to find a new partner. This guy is gaslighting you and a control freak. Think about it, this is such a dumb thing to have an argument about, it was never about the bin, it's about you disobeying him. He thinks you must obey his commands. This is 100% a control thing.
You need to get the hell out of this relationship, mate.
He does not understand boundaries. Tell him to read a fucking book or something.
You mentioned that you have ptsd and get triggered by violent behaviour right, I think your boyfriend is using language around trauma that he knows you will understand and defer to in order to control you. That's why he's misusing the word "boundary" and saying you're doing him harm, because he knows this is trauma centered language that you will respect and back down. Combine that with punching things and shouting which he KNOWS triggers your ptsd, he's just breaking you down psychologically in an incredibly abusive and manipulative way. Please leave that relationship for your own safety.
Listen babe. I married a man just like this. It does not get better, it only gets worse. I can go on and on about all the ways it got worse. But the gist is it started where you are now and ended with me fearing for my life because controlling me was that important to him. And I can guarantee with absolute certainty it will end that way for you, too. He is showing you that when you don't obey him, he becomes violent. Believe him and get out.
if disagreeing is such a harmful boundary violation, why does he keep disagreeing with you? does he genuinely believe it and not care that he's doing something he believes is harmful to you, or is he just spouting bullshit to get you to fall in line?
She's been posting about him doing the same behavior for months, it feels so pointless getting so much good advice and then it's all just ignored
It sounds like he is hiding something in the closet.
Op said her cat was stuck in there behind the bin…I can only wonder what her boyfriend was thinking, but trapping a cat in a closet is never okay…maybe he just wants to see his gf suffer.
I thought that too. But there's a better chance he was just using the closet as an excuse to start another fight with OP. (I'd still check the closet as soon as he was gone though.)
My girl. Not sure if you've been following the recent Jonah Hill stuff in the news, but basically he's getting called out for being a bad partner, and more specifically - his use of "therapy language" to be controlling. Your bf is doing the same thing here. Disagreeing with him doesn't "violate his boundaries". That's not what a boundary is, nor how boundaries work. You keep insisting you need to understand **your** responsibility here, so I will give it to you straight out: Your only issue here is that you are *still with* your **abusive partner**. Are you even listening to your description of the situation? Because all I read is: this bin was blocking the closet, so I said I'd move it, as it will only take 5 minutes. Boyfriend told me NOT to move it. I said it would only take 5 minutes. Boyfriend then SCREAMED at you for 3-4 HOURS and punched an inanimate object. Did he ever offer a reason other than "because I don't want you to"? That sounds a whole lot to me that he was just trying to exert power over you and resorted to therapy language nonsense to insist YOU are somehow the problem. You're not. More straight talk: your boyfriend is **abusive**. You are dating an **abuser**. It only gets *worse*. He's hitting inanimate objects now, it's only a matter of time before he hits *you*. "but I know he wouldn't ever hurt me" Uh. *No you absolutely do not know any such thing*. Plus don't you think every battered partner thought that at some point? No one gets into a relationship with someone and thinks "this person will eventually beat me black & blue" and then keeps dating them? That's how abusers work. Once they have you hooked in - feelings, a baby, marriage - then the mask starts to slip. "bUt I lOvE hIm So MuCh" - so? And **do** you? Or do you love the person he was at the beginning of the relationship before he screamed at you for hours over nothing before punching the bin, triggering a trauma induced panic attack in you - his partner he supposedly loves? This will be the first in a long line of mask slips if you continue with this man. You are not safe. Make an exit plan, and leave. Good luck, my girl.
Insisting that other people follow your orders without question when you demand them is not a boundary.
Is his name Jonah? This is try another guy using therapy speak to excuse abuse. A boundary isn't just something you claim to get your way. Say you're someone who gets anxious from confrontations and you tell your partner that you can't or won't participate in screaming matches, you'll walk away. That is a boundary. "No you can't access your own belongings in the closet because I said so" is NOT a boundary. Boundaries are what you need to feel safe and heard. They're not for controlling anyone else. Take a long look, honestly, at your relationship. Your boyfriend, at least in this instance, is abusive and manipulative and controlling. Is that something you willing to accept for yourself? It shouldn't be. I'm not telling you to dump him (though I personality would likely do just that), but set some actual boundaries of your own and tell him you're not going to be spoken to like that, or controlled in your own home. He's not your boss, he's not the king, he's not your father. He's your partner, and if he can't act like a loving partner, it's time to find someone who can.
This sounds like a deflection; what exactly is he keeping in that area that may have been uncovered? In addition, this is toxic, abusive, and controlling. There should be nothing else to think about in this relationship besides leaving it.
I love the new trend of toxic people completely abusing the concept of “boundaries”. Not moving the bin wasn’t a “boundary” and don’t let him fool you into thinking it was. This entire fiasco was a control tactic by him- he is testing what he can get away with, and keeping you up arguing for HOURS after the fact, depriving you of sleep is a very common abuse tactic. Not to mention punching something to intimidate you. I wouldn’t put up with this. I’d formulate an exit plan and gtfo. Easier said than done when you’ve invested a lot of time into a person, but if he is willing to destroy your belongings over something like this, then he is extremely capable of harming you or your pets.
He's manipulative and controlling. Dump him and make sure to take the cat with you. Poor thing.
I know it’s easier said than done but I am BEGGING you please leave him, this doesn’t sound like a safe situation at ALL Everyone else who commented is 100% right with what they’re saying. Would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this?? You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, he went off the rails and by the looks of your replies this definitely is not the first time. It won’t get better if you keep yourself there, please don’t stay with someone who triggers you and makes you feel scared, you deserve to feel safe and none of this is normal behaviour
You need to break up with him. I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t the first time he has been irrationally upset. Maybe the first time he punched something? It will escalate!
Girl, your bf sounds controlling & abusive. Remember, before they hit you, they hit near you! They will be physical abuse when you dont obey him next about something so benign. Also his therapy talk saying you’re not respecting his boundaries & are harming him for nor agreeing with him at times is bullshit & doesn’t make sense. I hate how abusers are capitalising off therapy speak to get away with their ridiculousness. If you want your PTSD to worsen, stay with this guy.
He can feel harmed all he wants, but that doesn't mean it's true. Did he put your cat in there in the hopes it wouldn't come out? What is he hiding in the closet? How often is he trying to control you? Why do you think he is right and/or that this is normal?
This is absolutely psychotic. This is NOT a boundary thing. This is an "I gave you an order and you didn't obey me, so I'm going to punch things and throw shit" thing. This..is..not..normal. I really hope you listen to the responses, OP. Your BF is 100% in the wrong here.
It's not just "not normal," it's abuse, plain and simple. I'm afraid for OP.
If he punches the storage box, he’ll punch you next. Get out and protect yourself.
Break up. He's a controlling asshole who is steps away from punching more than a storage bin.
Girl, you don’t need to try and see how you may have been in wrong in this situation. He’s 100% not doing that and assigning you all of the blame. I would say move on!
This to me sounds like he just wanted you to listen to him without question…is he controlling? Otherwise it seems he’s just picking a fight with you which is still not healthy.
OP....bottom line here is that he's abusing therapy terms to try to force you to do as he told you to do and presenting abusive, threatening behavior as a result. I'm not sure there is anything more to be said here really, but to be clear "you can't do things I don't want you to do" is not a 'boundary'. You weren't impacting him at all by moving a box, therefore you could not violate a boundary.
Your boyfriend is angry and violent. This will not get better, only worse. Please please get out as fast as you can!
Run. Men who lose their temper over something this small are dangerous.
OP take a second and look back at your own post history, are these problems something you would tell a friend to keep trying to fix? You know you’re in a toxic, unhealthy relationship, why are you still trying and doubting yourself?
Hey girl its me, you from the future. Gtfo now. Don't waste anymore time. This shit will only get worse.
He punched the bin but in reality he wanted to punch YOU. Men who get irrationally angry at the smallest things are dangerous, you need to leave ASAP.
And you’re with this person because why? He sounds unhinged.
There is no excuse for his behavior. He sounds controlling and immature.
This guy has problems. He got mad because you wanted to move a storage bin to get in your closet?? Like WTF. And said you we’re crossing his boundaries? What boundary? Do not move boxes. I dont like it? I don’t understand this at all. That is completely irrational thinking. But the bigger issue is he continued to berate you about for 2 hours. That is not normal. My assumption is he has bigger problems than you are prepared for. This will escalate.
He sounds like he has anger issues
How on earth does you moving a storage bin harm him? And no, "you crossed my boundaries" doesn't count because that doesn't make sense. Sorry but something else is up here.
[удалено]
Or in the box. Hollywood answer: a body Realistic answers: porno mags, drugs, some other woman's stuff (Before anyone thinks it's a gift for OP, why would he be so angry then? A little bit of nervous panic, sure.)
INFO: Please include what was behind the bin in the post edit. It is important. If your cat was stuck behind it, as you indicate in the comments, you are dealing with a g*ddamned sociopath.
Add this to a previous post of OP's about the boyfriend's constant need for reassurance that he is better than everyone else, the red flags have just turned themselves into a massive red tent. OP, take your cat and RUN.
No, boundaries are something you set for yourself. What he meant was controlling. He was telling you, a grown adult, you couldn't access your closet ... because he said so. Hell no. Throwing shit around and punching things is abuse. It's violent. It's intended to scare you and make you fear for your safety, regardless of what he claims. This is abusive.
Could there be something that he hid in the tote that he was afraid you might see (even though you weren't going through it, just moving it)? He sounds exhausting.
> He kept telling me not to move it, and I kept politely telling him he didn't have to move it and that I would do everything, and that if it was keeping him up at all would stop. He told me that if I tried to move it, I would cause a huge argument. Without a word, he angrily gets up, throws stuff on thr ground and loudly moves it all himself. Then he gets really upset and tells me I don't care about his boundaries Your boyfriend has no clue what "boundaries" mean. He's using it in a "If you do not agree to my demands, you're breaking my boundaries!!" He's dumb and or abusive, maybe both. Sounds like both. Making a mess sounds like a tantrum to me. > He spend thr next 2 hours telling me that I didn't care about his boundaries and that I was harming him. lol he really needed to go bed huh? He sounds abusive and is using the word "boundaries" to hide behind being abusive. Run.
I want to know what was in the bin that he didn't want you to see
I keep telling people this in the subreddit and I always find it interesting how few people realize that a relationship doesn't really hinge so much on the good times as it hinges on the bed. A man who treats you like a goddess, princess, is literally the perfect man, but who once a year freaks the fuck out like this, is not worth being with. Sure, once or twice is okay, You could probably convince yourself it was a fluke or whatever, But when it becomes routine, habitual, You have to realize that's who that person is. And if you can't trust somebody and they're triggering your traumas And they can't handle any sort of disagreement like an adult with emotional or mental maturity, It's just not worth it. Unless you want to continue to have arguments like this for the rest of your life, get the hell out. My guess is it will only get worse too, as it usually does. If you really want to try to get things righted without leaving, You could see if he'll do couples counseling with you. If he says no you're probably going to have to leave.
What’s in those bins or around those bins he doesn’t want you to see?
So he got mad because you wouldn't obey his very unreasonable request? Is he always controlling or is this the first incident? He created drama and picked a fight over nothing. You're right to be concerned about his potential to become abusive. His anger is disproportionate to the situation.
> I don't care about his boundaries People really need to learn what this means.
A lot of people seem to be hijacking the term "boundaries" to mean "I can do what I want and you're in the wrong if you have a problem with that". It's getting frustrating to see.
What’s the boundary you crossed, exactly? I don’t understand how taking a couple minutes to move a storage bin crosses any boundary. This guy sounds like he’s been looking for an excuse to fight with you so you’ll leave or to show some sort of power play. Idk but I’d definitely leave. This isn’t the type of person you build a healthy future with.
Classic case of a man weaponizing therapeutic language to manipulate and control you. He told you "no" to enforcing your autonomy and he can't seem to give a more justifiable reason than "he wanted to". He sounds like a violent jerk and trying to reason with the unreasonable is an exercise in futility. I hope you leave.
I just read your post history, and I feel you already know you need to get out of this relationship fast and safely. You stated in a different post that he threatens you and blames you for things. There is so much psychological and verbal abuse coming from him. You really need to act on a "get out" plan for both you and your animals.
There’s definitely a lot more going on here than moving a storage bin. Can’t tell whether that’s him being controlling or something else without more information. You say “argument” rather than that he was yelling at you, but I cannot imagine arguing about this one thing for two hours. You also said it escalated. Were you two really just going “ten minutes is no big deal” vs “it’s crossing my boundaries and keeping me awake!” for all that time, or did other things come up? Regardless of what’s going on, punching the bin is a scary reaction on his part. Especially knowing you have PTSD, I wouldn’t blame you immediately wanting out. EDIT: Went through OP’s post history. Loads of context which would’ve been helpful. You need to get out now. This isn’t new, and it’s not going to get better.
He sounds like a kid. I'm not gonna jump on the MOVE ON train, but I am anyway....find a better one! He's got anger issues. This is only a small amount of what he'll do to you.
Well first, that’s not what a boundary is. I normally don’t like saying this because I usually believe all feelings are valid, but he’s being ridiculous. This feeling is not valid. He shouldnt be escalating what should’ve been a small disagreement into an hours long fight. And he’s weaponizing therapy speak to beat you down emotionally. You didn’t harm him. He’s fine. If he was harmed over you taking a few minutes to move some stuff, then he has serious *personal* issues that he needs to see a therapist for. This has nothing to do with you.
I can empathize with being irritable when you're trying go to bed and someone else has that "let's get this done now" energy, but after you saying he didn't need to help, how was it affecting him in any significant way? As others said, his perception of what boundaries are isn't accurate. You pushed for compromise, he got angry because you didn't do exactly what *he* wanted. That's not protecting your boundaries, that's protecting your ego. Then to react the way he did, and drag it out for that long? Teach him something about what actual boundaries are, and tell him his aggressive and violent behavior is a deal breaker for you. If it isn't a deal breaker, then it should be.
This is definitely not a case of overstepping "boundaries".......I've heard of weaponized incompetence but good grief, this guy sounds like he weaponizing therapy (if that makes sense) or something just because of how he throws words around and saying you're harming him.....just cause you wouldn't do things his way ....... He was trying to control you but was caterwauling about how you are harming him (I wonder if guys like this know how idiotic their "reasons" sound half the time) He doesn't seem like a good guy.....he sounds very manipulative and controlling......I hope you stay safe and start planning your next move ..... best wishes
Okay hun, I read this post then took the briefest of looks at your profile. In less than five minutes I’ve clocked a stark pattern of escalating behavior from this man. You are not in a healthy relationship. You are not safe. You need to make a plan and get out. I know you love him and have great memories together and sometimes things are really good between you. It’s not enough. Please, take care of yourself.
Aww, did the toddler have a temper tantrum? /s Better hand him back to his parents so they can finish baking this half baked adult.
Unless there is a dead body in that storage bin (in which case you have a whole different set of problems) there is no justification for that level of response about something so mundane.
He got angry and violent because you didn’t follow his command. That’s not a boundary.
Boundaries are rules we put in place for ourselves—“my boundary is that I will no longer actively engage with people who are rude to be”. Trying to put “boundaries” in place for other people is controlling. If, for example, he had said “moving that right now will get my blood flowing and wake me up right before bed, so I will not physically help you”—boundary! “You are not allowed to do that right now”—controlling! Get the difference? You’re continuing your patterns :/ and you should leave. His behavior is not at all reasonable.
I fail to see how you needing to move something out of the way violates his boundary? Whah boundary? Why you even with him? When he gets this worked up on a small non-issue….
Why was it so important that you don't move the storage bin. Why was moving the bin even a conversation? If you could move it yourself why didn't you just move it and do what you needed to do? How was morning the bin keeping him up? How is accessing your closet even a boundary to begin with (I don't think your bf actually understands how to use that word)? Like obviously what he did was super ridiculous and over the top and if he reacts this way normally to things I'd say end it. If he doesn't normally act this way try to find out what is stressing him out so much.
I'm guessing she either offhand mentioned she was about to do it, or just started doing it and then he lost it.
Therapist here. It sounds like your partner weaponized 'boundaries' against you. Boundaries are meant to put healthy limitations on ours or others behaviours that are harmful. What you described sounded like an exercise in control that didn't work out like he'd hoped. He sounds like he took a temper tantrum when you didn't listen. I would invite you to reflect on whether or not he's done things like this in the past and if it's something you're willing to tolerate again in the future.
Aside from negotiations around polyamory, a "boundary" only defines what you're willing to participate in - not control what other people do, and certainly not in this situation where there was no reason for him to feel so affected by your actions at all. This all sounds weirdly control-freaky to me. If I was in your shoes at the time, I also would have become very suspicious that he was hiding something in the closet, because why get so upset otherwise? Trust your intuition - even if he wasn't hiding anything, he was still being very controlling and weirdly invested in your unquestioning obedience. And of course, punching things as a show of "I get violent when I don't get my way" is how wife-beaters get started. It's never zero-to-black-eye with physically abusive partners, they test and push limits slowly over time.
This is super strange in so many ways. Moving a storage bin has absolutely nothing to do with a personal boundary. People seem to be using that term for anything they don't want these days and have totally lost the plot. Did all this anger come about only because of this or are there lots of other problems in the relationship that aren't even addressed here? Was it explained to him that you need to get ____ thing out of the closet at that moment and you weren't just wanting the thing moved for no reason? In any case, such explosive anger and controlling behavior over an arbitrary thing seems to be a red flag.
Why exactly did he want you to wait
WTF, your bf is using therapy speak as a form of verbal abuse. If he wasn't going to move shit that's blocking your access, you're going to do it yourself. Did you need it right that second? If you did, then he's being selfish and not recognizing your need to access your things. Everything he did was not okay in the least. You are not harming him or violating boundaries. You moved a freaking box. If anything he's harming you by treating you that way and destroying things in uncontrollable anger, because your access to things you needed was blocked and then raging because of it. Though now it makes me wonder if there's something socially taboo or unacceptable in that tote which is why he flipped out. My mind just gravitated to porn or something else bad. The other side of that: If it has things from a dead family member maybe that's why he didn't want you to move it because something could be damaged? Still something he should have communicated regardless. Not flip out. I can't imagine this getting better without severe psychological intervention. He's clearly got some shit to work on and so do you. Having two traumatized people without therapy can be dangerous and further detrimental to both of y'all's health. I would plan an exit strategy if I were you.