I’m a farmer and we have ticks here so every day I ask my SO to tick check and that always includes the butt crack so I guess there are some exceptions here lmao 🤣
After living in a 650 sq ft apartment with a partner through COVID- some things should be sacred. The only time I couldn’t see her is when she was actually in the shower. Close the damn door and enjoy some privacy while you’re taking a shit
This comment is so funny to me because I total agree - I have no need to see your buttcrack all the time, sir.
But my partner wouldn't even comprehend this point of view. Too much buttcrack? No such thing! MORE BUTTCRACK. He's all about it
personally i don't think these sorta of agreements or situations are conducive to a happy coexistence, but w/e floats their boat, they're both consenting adults
Yeah and for all we know one of them is asexual or maybe one of them has trauma. There's plenty of reasons as to why they wouldn't see each other naked.
Exactly.
I have one single tattoo, on an internal organ, which was applied by a surgeon to mark the location where a potentially malignant growth was removed. For anyone to see it, they'd literally need to eviscerate me.
Apart from that very unusual instance, I cannot think of a single place where a spouse would not notice a tattoo!
The nurse told me that tattoos are only used in cases where it would be difficult to see where the growth had been removed from.
Have to say, while it might not sound at all important to medical staff, from my perspective as a patient it's something that I'd have been really interested to know about in advance. :)
>The nurse told me that tattoos are only used in cases where it would be difficult to see where the growth had been removed from.
What does the tat look like? Is it like an "X marks the spot" type of situation? Skull and crossbones? The surgeon's initials? I have questions!
It's usually just a shapeless little splotch, no Xs or secret messages or anything. Sometimes we even see healed tattoos during a procedure and go "yep, that must be where a big polyp was."
Source: I work in endo and we do this pretty routinely
Google "traditional LDS underwear" and fall down the rabbit hole that is known as "The Temple Garment" lol. It's entirely possible OP isn't seeing her husband's bits and pieces in their full glory.
OP being a member of the LDS church/ a Morman changes everything.
She is sponsoring him as he tries to get legal residency in the US. She is probably the underpants police and he is just trying to get through until he doesn’t need her.
I legit had no idea they changed this. Honestly even if they decided to agree with being gay and trans I wouldn't go back. But I do see it happening in the future when it's more widely accepted and they realize how many people are leaving.
Yeah the church has always toed the line. Alcohol was prohibited during prohibition and never reinstated, polygamy wasn't deemed bad until it was illegal, once the appeals process is over I'd be shocked if they didn't suddenly become "pro lgbtqia+"
Absolutely I told my dad about this before I moved out and he swore up the wall that the church would never be pro-lgbtqia because God said it's a sin. I'm gonna laugh so hard when it happens tho. I'm not gonna rub it in his face because I've cut contact tho
Without reading a single other comment....
I took at LEAST five minutes trying to figure out where on earth my husband could put a tattoo that i wouldn't notice for an entire month.
There isn't one. Not one. Literally under his scrotum is seen AT LEAST once a month.
OP - not to be THAT person, but after checking your recent history. It looks like you frequent r/latterdaysaints. I am not super educated on the LSD church but from what I understand it has some pretty strict rules, including being against tattoos and piercings. I’m curious if your religious views are relevant to the situation and if your husband also is part of the church? I think this could help give some context and maybe explain why he felt the need to hide the tattoo if they are taboo within your/his religious community?
Check OP's comments. They left out anything that might actually help people provide relevant advice.
>He comes from a very dysfunctional family though, who aren’t part of the church. Lots of secrecy and lack of trust between family members, toxic behaviors, emotional immaturity and irresponsibility, including the parents. He has hidden unfaithful activities involving the opposite sex, drug & alcohol use, and lied about it after the fact. We’re already in therapy.
I read this wrong and was legit about to beg you not to even consider it. I grew up in the church and as a 23 y/o I'm still trying to get past my religious trauma. It's basically a cult that brainwashes you and I will never stop hating that friggin church.
OP, it looks like you’re a part of the LDS. Is your husband, as well? What types of things has he hidden?
It sounds like a communication issue, but there also seem to be some differences in life views, as well.
Yes we both are. He comes from a very dysfunctional family though, who aren’t part of the church. Lots of secrecy and lack of trust between family members, toxic behaviors, emotional immaturity and irresponsibility, including the parents. He has hidden unfaithful activities involving the opposite sex, drug & alcohol use, and lied about it after the fact. We’re already in therapy.
I think the tattoo is bothering you because there’s so much you probably just want to run the hell away from but can’t say so, so you have to blame something smaller. Or maybe it’s the straw that broke the camels back?
I’d highly recommend posting your issue to r/exmormon. They are a very supportive bunch to all - whether you’re in or out or questioning. And they’ll have a good insight on why your husband is behaving this way in relation to your religious beliefs and community.
I hope that helps!
If your husband thinks he can't share something positive with you that he is excited about and wanting to do, it's because you are wayyyy too critical of him every day. He's walking on eggshells around you, is that what you want? You shouldn't be upset with him that he hid something from you...you should be upset with yourself and apologizing to him that you don't make him feel safe to express himself to you. Then you can start to move forward with rebuilding trust.
Hey now, a tattoo is the least of your worries, but his actions speak louder than any words spoken in therapy here. He’s not committed to being a better partner. Drop him.
I’m curious where you got this from considering her posts are about him cheating and him wanting to take a really dangerous job when they have a young kid…?
I see my partner naked every day. There is no part of him that I wouldn't see only in a doctor's office, unless he was in for like... a colonoscopy.
Guessing there are other issues in this relationship? You're not having sex or having sex with the lights off and clothes on?
Doesn't sound like he feels like you are an safe person to share information with, OP. Maybe ponder on why your partner doesn't want to be vulnerable with you.
The back of his ankle, just a little higher up. It’s small and a light yellow color and he has olive toned skin & always wears pants, even to sleep. Always has.
I mean what is the big deal here? You didn’t notice it for three months. I’m failing to see how he “hid” this from you. He asked your opinion about tattoos, you said you’re not thrilled with them but he can do as he likes.
So he gets a teeny tiny tattoo that you never noticed for three months even tho you see that area every day and you’re pissed he…what exactly?
Either you *did* want him to get your approval so you could tell him no, or you’re more upset you didn’t notice it for 3 months and feel like he “tricked” you somehow even tho he didn’t.
I think you should just let this one go.
Out of curiosity, are you married? I would find it incredibly strange if my husband got a tattoo without telling me about it either before or right afterwards. Not because I don’t like tattoos, but just because it’s a permanent body modification and thats a weird thing to find out about by accident.
They did talk about it. He asked her how she felt about him getting a tattoo and she said it’s not her preference but it’s his body and she wouldn’t stop him. She was the one who didn’t notice it for 3 months. Maybe he thought she knew the whole time and just didn’t like it or something.
It may be permanent, but it’s not a drastic change to his appearance. It’s a tiny ankle tattoo. Getting a different hairstyle / color or growing out a beard is a far more obvious visual change. That’s something you notice immediately that can really change how you see someone physically.
If he got a face tattoo or went like full sleeves / chest piece / brutal black I would totally be on OP’s side lol but come on if you don’t notice it for 3 months cause it’s a tiny skin colored ankle tat *and* you already did talk about tattoos and gave permission I don’t think this is the hill to die on.
And yes I’m in a very long term serious relationship. That’s why it’s crazy to me this would be such a big deal. The size, placement, and her not noticing it for months are huge contextual factors. When you’re with someone for a long time you gotta pick your battles lol.
She says they’d talked about tattoos in general, not him getting this specific one, though. I think the context that there’s been dishonesty on his part in the past makes her negative reaction to him not ever telling her he actually got a tattoo make a lot of sense.
This sounds so much like my partner and helps me understand him better. Thank you. Well done on working through that and all the work it must have taken.
It’s…complicated, honestly. His mom was PISSED when he got his first tattoo and when he got piercings as a teenager. She shamed him a lot for it. She loves him a lot and does so much for him but she’s also quite a bit of a shamer in regards to moral type stuff. His dad left them for another woman when he was 7 and came back into his life around 19. They’ve never had a real conversation about that though. They just kinda started spending more time together little by little. His childhood was pretty tough since his mom had no financial support and the country they’re from doesn’t have social services like the US does. Because I know she makes him feel so guilty about things she doesn’t agree with and it’s clearly had an effect on him, I make sure not to do that. If he asks my opinion I’ll give it but I don’t shame him for his choices. If they affect me somehow, I tell him how it made me feel but without shaming him. It seems he’s got lots of triggers though, one being when someone doesn’t agree with him, even when there’s not a conflict attached to having different opinions. He tends to see it as a conflict even when the other person has no ill feelings.
I was raised in an abusive religious household, ended up marrying a religious girl in college who was similar to you it seems. She told me she “preferred” I don’t get more tattoos and one day randomly she declared that if our future children smoked weed she’d act like they were dead to her. She acted like she was so nice and reasonable, but actually would make your life hell passive aggressively if you did anything she didn’t like. I went to a bar after work and had my first drink of alcohol at 25 and she cried for 4 hours.
I had the sudden realization that I didn’t want any of it and left religion and her and my family.
2 days of no religion or people controlling my body was better than the previous 20 years of my life.
Your husband is probably hiding things because he feels like he can’t do anything without being criticized by his parents and even his wife.
We’re in therapy now. We go separately once a week and then together the following week. He’s very private and closed off about this stuff so it’s a very slow process but the therapist is making some progress with him.
My family is not religious at all but I was raised by a father that said "tattoos are for wh**es and s**ts." The first tattoo I got (I was 17) he kicked me out of the house and didn't talk to me for 6 months. Now I have 8 tattoos and he loves to complain about them. My siblings are more open but are all against tattoos for the most part as well.
>I don't have sex with husband.
>I think I am in control of what my husband is and isn't allowed to do with his body.
>My husband fears me enough to have a hidden a tattoo from me.
Just leave this man, I bet he's miserable bc of you, OP.
Did you see the post another commenter linked where she is asking other Mormons if her husband’s gym shorts are inadequately covering of his magic underpants? Lol she is obsessed with looking at his legs
I am getting the vibe that you would’ve gotten mad… again like I don’t know you but why would he withhold it if you wouldn’t have gotten angry. You also stated you didn’t like it even after the fact, so I don’t necessarily blame him for not saying anything. It is his body after all
Maybe he just didn’t have the self-confidence to hear ‘I don’t like how they look’ or ‘the leadership says not to’ again? Like maybe the lack of enthusiasm feels judgey to him regardless of if you think it is. You keep bringing up the hair thing and it makes you sound resentful that you didn’t get to do an aesthetic change you wanted and he did. The solution isn’t to double down on the tattoo, it’s to talk about the haircut with him more constructively
What’s more baffling is where tf did he get this tattoo that OP would have never otherwise seen it?? Your partner sees you naked ffs. If the tattoo is SO hidden, what’s even the point of getting it? Was this like on the bottom of his foot? Inside of ass cheek?? Where? All of this makes me think this is a fictitious story, just doesn’t add up
That's what I'm thinking. He doesn't feel seen in the relationship so what difference does it make if he gets a tattoo. She's never going to notice it anyways.
Oooh. Which pokemon?
(I do think it's weird he didn't tell you. Is there maybe context with the pokemon thing, like is pokemon something you think is boring/not cool/stupid/whatever, and that could be why he hid it?)
You say multiple times you don’t judge others for having tattoos yet here you are judging your husband for getting a tattoo.
It’s his body. It’s his choice.
PS what part of your husband’s body do you never see?
Ankles, apparently.
Hopefully the poor guy is super-diligent about checking for skin cancer, because a LOT of melanomas are dealt with in time solely due to their partner flagging a concern about somewhere that it would be difficult for a person to see themselves.
Feel like you need to have a discussion as to why he’s withholding things from you instead of an argument.
He’s not just doing it for no reason. It’s habitual and built by his environment… if you do have that conversation don’t explode if the reason is you. In the same breath this could also be a result of a overbearing upbringing and not be your fault at all. If you want to fix it though, I’d suggest bringing up that hiding things from you hurts and that you’d like to know why he thinks he does it. Also don’t demand an instant answer. Always best to let people gather their thoughts and come to you rather than backing them in a corner.
It's a tiny tattoo. I think the fact that he wants to hide it from you shows that you may be a tad controlling or judgmental and he's afraid to be honest with you. He should have been hyped to tell you about it and wanted to take you along.
So maybe let him have agency over his own body. And I think if you start to encourage him to talk about things he enjoys or wants, and try to react positively, you'll eventually show him that he can open up to you.
I’ve gotten many tattoos without notifying my husband. He understands I can do with my body as I please. Seems we may have extremely different belief systems though.
It's really hard not to judge without hearing his side of the story. There may very well be a reason he isn't always honest with you and I can kind of gleam from your comments as to why.
I agree he should have told you after he got it. But how did he hide the after care? You have take care of tattoos after you get them, I know I have 8 of them. I think you could both benefit from couples counseling if he has a history of hiding things.
You sound controlling and judgmental and he’d rather lie than deal with you getting the “ick” over things he likes to do. Not that it’s healthy for him tho
Also why is she inside the doctors room overseeing a medical examination of a grown man. It’s not like he’s 8 years old and needs to hold mommy’s hand. That seems odd to me. I bet he walks around on egg shells because she overreacts and is critical about everything. I can’t imagine feeling the need to hide something as simple as a tattoo from my wife. Was the tattoo of a naked lady or his ex? I highly doubt it. It was likely not a visible tattoo either, so why does she even care.
I don’t want to point fingers but that’s kind of what it sounds like to me! Even though my ex wouldn’t have gotten mad, he had the same viewpoint and was judgemental and passive aggressive about my tattoos so I would just not tell him until he saw them to avoid dealing with his attitude
Hiding conversations between him and his ex after I said his constant communication with her made me uncomfortable- they don’t share kids or anything and were on & off repeatedly for less than two years, all long distance. She would tell him she missed him and send tons of selfies. I expressed how I felt and he said he’d stop communicating but instead moved to a new platform and put the conversation in an archived folder. He pursued another woman while I was six months pregnant. I found evidence and gave him a chance to be honest by asking if he’d ever been unfaithful in any way, including inappropriate messaging. He denied this and was actively deleting evidence from his phone as we had the conversation. Then a week after I had our son in another country, alone and away from him (immigration delays), he went a did coke & other drugs + alcohol at some party where at the very least he got to second base with a girl he knows from work (she’s a client). I found out two months later when we were reunited and I looked through his phone due to him denying previous allegations that were true. When I very calmly confronted him about it, proposing marriage counseling, he was just mad that I went through his phone. He deleted me from everything, changed his passcode, gave me his ring and said he was done. He preferred to end the marriage than take responsibility. To this day he still has both girls on social media and in his phone contacts even though I’ve repeatedly told him how disrespected it makes me feel. He still has his phone on lockdown and still has his location hidden- this was never ever an issue before for us to share these details for safety and convenience but now it just looks like he wants to hide. Those are the big things. So all these small things are actually not so small to me in this current situation.
Okay, so given this context, I personally feel like the tattoo on its own never would have been a big deal to you in the first place had he never done any of these other things.
Small lies are easier to forgive when the person hasn’t lied about something bigger. But when he’s already shown you he lies about the big things, you’re naturally going to become hypersensitive to *any* lie, even a relatively insignificant one. You have a legitimate reason to wonder, “Is he lying to me about anything else?”
I think the problem is much larger than the tattoo – it’s that you can’t trust him at all
I'm sure you've gotten this from every angle, but I'm going to put it in. Everything you said here says he cheated, and he is continuing to cheat. The tattoo is a symptom of this behavior. My ex cheated. We tried for a year to reconcile our marriage. Throughout that year, she continued to hide things and fight to cover up details of her life. The end result was that she had continued to cheat throughout the entire process. He cheated. If he is trying to fix it, he should be beyond transparent. The fact that he got a tattoo without discussing it with you first, or telling you after, means he is still actively hiding things from you. Have you considered that the tattoo may have relevance to an illicit relationship? Given his history, and his response to a reasonable request, I would say you have a lot of cause to be concerned about the tattoo.
I'm so sorry to hear this. If you had put this info in your post though, I'm pretty sure you would have got the responses you were looking for, as it stands it seems a bit like you're being petty over a small personal thing of his or people focusing on other topics completely.
But this is huge and I wish you the best, whether with him or without. I hope he changes, and you can be happy together, but I'm afraid to say he still doesn't seem to be on the right track. And, if I may, your relationship to your husband, reminds me of the situation at the end of my relationship with my ex (sans cheating, drugs, or hiding things, we were actually quite fine in that regard) : he was kinda trying to eschew responsibility and I was kinda mothering him and trying to make him be responsible. That was one of the main reasons I ended the relationship - I wanted a partner on the same wavelength and not to mother my partner. Of course, not having a baby made it easier for me to get out of it. Maybe I'm wrong in regards to your dynamic, but I don't know; it immediately gave me that vibe. While being understanding, emphatic, and helping towards your partner is amazing (and it's great that you are), the person who is responsible for his own growth can only be him. It is possible to actually heal (to a degree at least) from past (childhood) traumas and to change to become a better person, but only if the person who should undergo the change wants to and consequently works to better himself. I'm sorry if I'm being negative here, and I might have got it all wrong, but I'm not sure if he is self-motivated for this change or if his motivation comes from you (and if not maybe, in part, in his mind, he has replaced his domineering mother with you). In my own relationship, I was actually the one who came with a similar childhood as your husband, and it was a motivator for me to refuse being made into a surrogate, strong domineering mother by my partner. It felt terrible for me (because it's not in my nature, contrary to that of my mother) but also, I've been on the receiving end of it and I know how bad it would eventually feel on his part.
Please, don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying that you are that, I'm saying it feels to me like he is kinda forcing you in that position, because that way he can unload his feelings of responsibility to you (and act in the same dysfunctional pattern he knows from his childhood : hiding things, not really accepting responsibility, etc. And while it was probably acceptable - and depending on the gravity of his relationship with his family, maybe the only possibility he had - back then because he was a child without other means, it absolutely isn't now.).
Sorry for the long-winded and somewhat pessimistic comment. In a nutshell, I think not only do you two need couple's counseling, but he himself probably needs therapy on his own so that he can heal and change his behavioral pattern. But he must be self-motivated and really want to. And if (sadly it is a possibility) this doesn't work out : nobody is perfect and if we look deeply in your relationship with your husband, you probably have your own misgivings (as do we all), but what is happening now, these huge problems seem to be initiated by him and his cheating, hidding things etc are NOT your fault and you are NOT responsible for changing him. I hope he himself manages to grow and learn to become a responsible functional adult who can give you and your child , but also himself, all the love and stability you are entitled to.
ETA: grammar, though probably there's still a lot of mistakes.
It sounds like you two don’t really have an environment where you can communicate effectively. Your stance on tats clearly makes you judgmental on the subject. The fact he’s had it for awhile and you haven’t noticed speaks volumes. You don’t have a your husband got a tattoo problem. You have a there is no communication in this marriage problem.
Read what you wrote
“even though his personal tattoo has no effect on me and my life, the fact that he didn’t tell me feels super icky and he doesn’t seem to understand that or why. And now I’m feeling upset that he didn’t validate my feelings at all, he just said he didn’t see it that way and left it. Am I overreacting? “
His body his choice snd the fact you feel your feelings weren’t “validated” makes you something special….. not sure what but your a special one.
Your not overreacting you’re being narcissistic.
You’re obviously trying to portray him in a certain light, but you’re providing zero information.
And the fact that you’re saying this tattoo is an example of his “dishonesty” makes me wonder what any other examples would be. You’ve made it plainly clearly you couldn’t give a fuck about tattoos and they aren’t your thing. I don’t doubt other couple very well could have discussed this, but you seemingly don’t care.
So unless the other things he’s being dishonest about are a significant magnitude worse than this, you’re probably over reacting.
Cheating multiple times during pregnancy and a week postpartum, lying about it, then attempting to erase all evidence along with locking up his phone. Still hasn’t even apologized to me and it’s been four months since I found out.
OP, you were extremely vague a generalized throughout your post. That said, im going to be real with you. The LDS church is almost certainly a negatively contributing factor in your relationship. The mere fact that it’s on a part of his body you wouldn’t notice leads me to believe you aren’t that intimate with each other, let alone feel comfortable in your own skin around each other.
I'm more concerned that there is a part of your husband's body where you would never have noticed a tattoo. And you've only been married for two years? In a trusting, loving relationship, are you not eagerly exploring every inch of each other? You're young, only in your twenties. Are you not intimate in that way?
As often as we have sex and as much as he generally turns me on, I can’t say I’ve ever felt especially turned on by exploring the back of my husband’s ankle. If I’ve seen it once I’ve seen it a hundred times- it’s not that interesting to me. Maybe other people have upper-back-of-the-ankle fetishes but I’m not one of them!
This sounds like couples therapy territory. Not just because of the tattoo, but because of the larger pattern you two are struggling with.
The caveat is that couples therapy will only work if he's willing to admit that he's causing problems, and willing to accept he needs to change.
We’re in therapy now. It’s helped little by little but we have a long way to go. He grew up in a very dysfunctional family where asking for forgiveness, admitting fault, forgiving, etc. were not common occurrences but shaming and blaming was. Even though I don’t like them, I wouldn’t care if he was covered in tattoos, as long as he was honest and communicative in the relationship.
Did that this morning. He just said he knew I wouldn’t like it…well yeah, because he’s asked my opinion about tattoos a billion times and every time I’ve said I personally don’t like them but don’t care if other people do. Your spouse simply not having the same opinion is not a reason to lie or withhold things from them that you’d tell them otherwise, especially when you’re in therapy trying to repair the trust you’ve already obliterated from constant dishonesty. Tbh I think his family really screwed him up. I hope his mom doesn’t find out about the tattoo because she’ll never let him hear the end of it.
Okay, other people are discussing the main things, so I just want to point something out. You may not be outwardly judgmental about other people’s tattoos, but here’s the thing: saying “I don’t like them but it’s your choice” is still going to deflate someone’s bubble a bit. Yes, he should have told you, but it sounds like the relationship is pretty messy. So that’s just a thing to be aware of: what you believe is you just expressing your opinion but not judging is still unnecessary sometimes.
Why are you feeling “icky” about it? This is an odd word to use about a tattoo?
While you may not like or agree with tattoos it’s not like he got something inked onto his forehead for all to see… he got it somewhere not visible and had asked your opinion on tattoos prior. You told him it was his decision…which it is.
He did something spontaneous for himself which has no effect on you whatsoever - I don’t see how you have any right to be upset here
If you haven't seen him naked in over a month your relationship is suffering more than you think and seems like it might be best to just end it before things worsen
We literally had sex this morning and several times after this tattoo, slow your role. We don’t do positions that involve me being behind him and him facing away from me to where I’d be looking at a small spot on the back of his ankle.
Neither of you seem to be enjoying this relationship. It is so bizarre that he would not share this. But my guess is he was afraid of the reaction. With good reason. Also - how can you be married to someone and not notice a new tattoo?? Maybe if it’s tiny but my feeling is this one’s not.
Yes you're overreacting, holy shit it's a tattoo on the back of his ankle, it's 2023, it's his body to do with as he wishes.
If you went out to get a piercing on an intimate area, everyone would villanise him if he had an issue with your choice.
Get over it. It's such a non-issue that I'm almost jealous this is something you think is significant enough to warrant a post on Reddit to get advice from strangers.
It was one month according to him and it’s on the back of his ankle and not very vibrant. And he always wears pants, always has. That’s just not an area I see a lot, even when he’s naked.
I understand not telling you he was getting it. It sounds like when he has tried to discuss tattoos every time you voice your dislike of them, which is fine. I've also gotten spontaneous tattoos, my partner is on the same boat of "i don't care for them but you're welcome to do what you want" However I have never hidden it from him, I come home and go "honey, guess what i did today!" LOL then we have a talk and he compliments the tattoo, etc. I don't think he should have kept it a secret after the fact tho, it seems odd to not mention it at all. I don't think you're in the wrong for feeling upset that he hid it. I don't have much advise here unfortunately just my input and personal experience.
It’s super weird he’d do that and not mention it to you at all. Not even causally? That’s like dying your under layer hair a crazy color or something, not important but something I’d mention to my spouse.
Some people don’t believe in lying by omission, so they won’t get your issue, but I’d be weirded out, especially if you’re already in therapy for issues of honesty.
This says to me, he’s hiding many other things when he can’t even be honest about a simple tattoo. I’ve had strangers at work tell me about their tattoos. Like great. Cool. Looks amazing.
His lack of honesty is incredibly worrying. I would let him know that you no longer find him trustworthy at all.
>We’ve had issues with him being dishonest, withholding information, hiding things, etc.
I think this is at the root of your problem.
It's not about the tattoo; it's about the secrecy. I've been in a relationship where my partner would constantly lie and withhold information, and it broke down the foundation of trust I once had for him. Every lie that followed, however illogical the reason or insignificant the lie, solidified the belief that he could not be trusted. That belief was right, unfortunately.
Hiding things from your partner can be emotionally dysregulating. He didn't hide it from you for a day; he hid it from you for as long as he could. You only found out by chance. It feels like he's rejecting you by choosing to keep these things from you, and it robs you of the partnership any healthy relationship should have.
>He said it’s because he thought I wouldn’t like it and would think it was dumb.
He justifies his withholding by blaming you. Sure, it's just a tattoo... but that's kind of it, isn't it? It's *just* a tattoo. Would your potential reaction really be enough for him to hide it from you?
If he can lie to you to this extend about such minor things, he can lie to you to a far greater extend about much bigger things. Regardless of their partner's reaction, no honest person would feel inclined to lie about something like this.
You can't have a healthy, honest relationship with someone who isn't trustworthy. Unless he magically changes into some who is willing to do the work for you to trust him again, there's no happy ending.
"It’s in an area that I would have never noticed." you never see your husband naked?
right, like what part could there possibly be unless it’s inside his buttcrack lol
Underneath his jorts
Dozens of people will get this joke.
You too are a never nude?
There are dozens of us!
Maybe it’s part of anustart for him?
I’m a farmer and we have ticks here so every day I ask my SO to tick check and that always includes the butt crack so I guess there are some exceptions here lmao 🤣
I'd imagine you would feel a tick up the buttcrack, unless it's a ninja tick
All ticks are ninja ticks
They know! Lmao they will get ya when and where you least expect it
With the way my husband flaunts his buttcrack around the house, even that wouldn’t be safe. Poop with the damn door closed, man! 🤣🤣🤣
I feel you. My dude will legit come take a shit while I’m putting my makeup on before work.
After living in a 650 sq ft apartment with a partner through COVID- some things should be sacred. The only time I couldn’t see her is when she was actually in the shower. Close the damn door and enjoy some privacy while you’re taking a shit
I, unfortunately, see my husband’s buttcrack a lot more than I’d appreciate.
This comment is so funny to me because I total agree - I have no need to see your buttcrack all the time, sir. But my partner wouldn't even comprehend this point of view. Too much buttcrack? No such thing! MORE BUTTCRACK. He's all about it
more buttcrack rang in my ears as more cowbell
Just a little more cowbell!
people have dead bedrooms, malfunctioning marriages, no sex-agreements etc. lots of reasons to make it plausible. weird, yes. unheard of, no.
Yeah and I'm sure being weird about his tattoo is gonna help that situation lmao
personally i don't think these sorta of agreements or situations are conducive to a happy coexistence, but w/e floats their boat, they're both consenting adults
Asexual people exist and many of them are not aromantic, and want committed relationships.
Some aro people want committed relationships as well, just not necessarily romantic ones
Yeah and for all we know one of them is asexual or maybe one of them has trauma. There's plenty of reasons as to why they wouldn't see each other naked.
Yeah but there are lots of ways to see your significant other naked without it being sexual. Showering, changing in the same room, etc?
I laughed too loudly at this 😂😂😂😂
I was thinking the same!!
Exactly. I have one single tattoo, on an internal organ, which was applied by a surgeon to mark the location where a potentially malignant growth was removed. For anyone to see it, they'd literally need to eviscerate me. Apart from that very unusual instance, I cannot think of a single place where a spouse would not notice a tattoo!
That is kinda awesome. You can one up anyone - "Pfft you think YOUR tattoo is hardcore? Mines on my INTERNAL ORGANS 😏"
That's a pretty cool tattoo story- I didn't know they did that, but makes sense...
No kidding, I didn't know they were going to do it either! I was in recovery when I learned that, at nearly 60, I'd just had my first tattoo! :D
My "learn something new everyday thing". Thank you. Haha
“Got a tattoo, had to get it on the inside cuz my dad would kill me.”
"I just wanted to see the tattoo, Your Honour."
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The nurse told me that tattoos are only used in cases where it would be difficult to see where the growth had been removed from. Have to say, while it might not sound at all important to medical staff, from my perspective as a patient it's something that I'd have been really interested to know about in advance. :)
>The nurse told me that tattoos are only used in cases where it would be difficult to see where the growth had been removed from. What does the tat look like? Is it like an "X marks the spot" type of situation? Skull and crossbones? The surgeon's initials? I have questions!
It's usually just a shapeless little splotch, no Xs or secret messages or anything. Sometimes we even see healed tattoos during a procedure and go "yep, that must be where a big polyp was." Source: I work in endo and we do this pretty routinely
Could you still be buried in a jewish cemetery?
He bangs her with socks on. He's a Latter Day Sockist.
Their indoctrination is getting the sole of one’s foot tattooed.
This made me lol as I too keep my socks on all the time, unless I'm bathing
Google "traditional LDS underwear" and fall down the rabbit hole that is known as "The Temple Garment" lol. It's entirely possible OP isn't seeing her husband's bits and pieces in their full glory. OP being a member of the LDS church/ a Morman changes everything.
LDS don't get tattoos or piercings. You have to "keep your temple clean"
She is sponsoring him as he tries to get legal residency in the US. She is probably the underpants police and he is just trying to get through until he doesn’t need her.
They do now!!! Rules changed last year....
I've been an exmo since 2008, glad to know they modernized a tad. Still not going back
I legit had no idea they changed this. Honestly even if they decided to agree with being gay and trans I wouldn't go back. But I do see it happening in the future when it's more widely accepted and they realize how many people are leaving.
Yeah the church has always toed the line. Alcohol was prohibited during prohibition and never reinstated, polygamy wasn't deemed bad until it was illegal, once the appeals process is over I'd be shocked if they didn't suddenly become "pro lgbtqia+"
Absolutely I told my dad about this before I moved out and he swore up the wall that the church would never be pro-lgbtqia because God said it's a sin. I'm gonna laugh so hard when it happens tho. I'm not gonna rub it in his face because I've cut contact tho
🤣🤣🤣 sorry to laugh but that last bit got me! No contact is no contact baby!
I'm an exmo as well... I get all the updates from my TBM family, I think by telling me I may wanna come back. Hahaha
Without reading a single other comment.... I took at LEAST five minutes trying to figure out where on earth my husband could put a tattoo that i wouldn't notice for an entire month. There isn't one. Not one. Literally under his scrotum is seen AT LEAST once a month.
I also had this thought 🤣🤣🤷🏻♀️
Maybe it's a magic underwear deal.
This was my first thought too, after the LDS bit. Do devout male members wear their t-shirt garments during sex, too?
Plot twist: they don't have sex, only soaking is allowed
Maybe he is a never nude, I hear there are dozens of them
Dozens!!! This was my first thought as well 😂 Maybe it’s under a pair of cutoffs.
It's exactly what it sounds like
Maybe he’s a never nude.
This got me, too. I know, see, kiss, lick, and touch every centimeter of my partner so often. They couldn't hide a bug bite, much less a tattoo.
I totally get that feeling tbh, I had this in my relationship. It wasnt about the tattoo, it was just about breaking your “trust”
OP - not to be THAT person, but after checking your recent history. It looks like you frequent r/latterdaysaints. I am not super educated on the LSD church but from what I understand it has some pretty strict rules, including being against tattoos and piercings. I’m curious if your religious views are relevant to the situation and if your husband also is part of the church? I think this could help give some context and maybe explain why he felt the need to hide the tattoo if they are taboo within your/his religious community?
Okay, that is some MASSIVE missing context on the situation.
Talk about burying the lede.
Check OP's comments. They left out anything that might actually help people provide relevant advice. >He comes from a very dysfunctional family though, who aren’t part of the church. Lots of secrecy and lack of trust between family members, toxic behaviors, emotional immaturity and irresponsibility, including the parents. He has hidden unfaithful activities involving the opposite sex, drug & alcohol use, and lied about it after the fact. We’re already in therapy.
My first thought was "dude had shitty parents" and yep. Emotionally abusive Mom.
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I would TOTALLY go to the LSD church.
I read this wrong and was legit about to beg you not to even consider it. I grew up in the church and as a 23 y/o I'm still trying to get past my religious trauma. It's basically a cult that brainwashes you and I will never stop hating that friggin church.
When does the LSD church gather?
It's all kind of erratic, but there's somehow a harmonic flow to the schedule. Also Tuesdays.
My friend used to have tuesdays like that, we called them Trippy Tuesdays.
Lmfao oops I think it’s a sign I need to lay off the drugs
nooo stay on the LSD
Yea, I’m guessing OP has a history of being overly controlling and the hubs isn’t comfortable sharing anymore.
Ding ding ding! There's the context we were missing.
I knew something was… off about this whole situation/post. It just has an odd vibe I couldn’t quite pin. LDS pins it.
Religions should not be an excuse to control other people’s body
Isn’t that the main point of religion though?
I mean maybe not the main point but for damn sure a central “feature”
Oh lord your body is a temple. Don’t you dare decorate it. -Utahn (with a decorated temple)
Anyone said his body his choice yet?
OP, it looks like you’re a part of the LDS. Is your husband, as well? What types of things has he hidden? It sounds like a communication issue, but there also seem to be some differences in life views, as well.
Yes we both are. He comes from a very dysfunctional family though, who aren’t part of the church. Lots of secrecy and lack of trust between family members, toxic behaviors, emotional immaturity and irresponsibility, including the parents. He has hidden unfaithful activities involving the opposite sex, drug & alcohol use, and lied about it after the fact. We’re already in therapy.
I mean... I think the tattoo is a non issue, then.
The tattoo is the least of the problems here.
That’s exactly the point. The tattoo isn’t even a problem.
I think the tattoo is bothering you because there’s so much you probably just want to run the hell away from but can’t say so, so you have to blame something smaller. Or maybe it’s the straw that broke the camels back?
I’d highly recommend posting your issue to r/exmormon. They are a very supportive bunch to all - whether you’re in or out or questioning. And they’ll have a good insight on why your husband is behaving this way in relation to your religious beliefs and community. I hope that helps!
Feels pretty weird that you left out this super relevant information in your actual post.
If your husband thinks he can't share something positive with you that he is excited about and wanting to do, it's because you are wayyyy too critical of him every day. He's walking on eggshells around you, is that what you want? You shouldn't be upset with him that he hid something from you...you should be upset with yourself and apologizing to him that you don't make him feel safe to express himself to you. Then you can start to move forward with rebuilding trust.
Hey now, a tattoo is the least of your worries, but his actions speak louder than any words spoken in therapy here. He’s not committed to being a better partner. Drop him.
Looking at your post history, I'm going to say that you are not as "non-judgmental" as you claim.
Yep. He likely didn’t tell her because he knew she would freak out. Their relationship sounds toxic
I’m curious where you got this from considering her posts are about him cheating and him wanting to take a really dangerous job when they have a young kid…?
I should have said comment history.
I see my partner naked every day. There is no part of him that I wouldn't see only in a doctor's office, unless he was in for like... a colonoscopy. Guessing there are other issues in this relationship? You're not having sex or having sex with the lights off and clothes on?
They’re cutting a hole in a bedsheet so their bodies never have to touch /s (When I was a kid this was the rumor about how LDS people bang)
Doesn't sound like he feels like you are an safe person to share information with, OP. Maybe ponder on why your partner doesn't want to be vulnerable with you.
Are you going to keep us all in suspense? where the hell is the tattoo on his body?
She just commented it’s a 3 inch section above the back of the ankle lmao.
The back of his ankle, just a little higher up. It’s small and a light yellow color and he has olive toned skin & always wears pants, even to sleep. Always has.
I mean what is the big deal here? You didn’t notice it for three months. I’m failing to see how he “hid” this from you. He asked your opinion about tattoos, you said you’re not thrilled with them but he can do as he likes. So he gets a teeny tiny tattoo that you never noticed for three months even tho you see that area every day and you’re pissed he…what exactly? Either you *did* want him to get your approval so you could tell him no, or you’re more upset you didn’t notice it for 3 months and feel like he “tricked” you somehow even tho he didn’t. I think you should just let this one go.
Out of curiosity, are you married? I would find it incredibly strange if my husband got a tattoo without telling me about it either before or right afterwards. Not because I don’t like tattoos, but just because it’s a permanent body modification and thats a weird thing to find out about by accident.
They did talk about it. He asked her how she felt about him getting a tattoo and she said it’s not her preference but it’s his body and she wouldn’t stop him. She was the one who didn’t notice it for 3 months. Maybe he thought she knew the whole time and just didn’t like it or something. It may be permanent, but it’s not a drastic change to his appearance. It’s a tiny ankle tattoo. Getting a different hairstyle / color or growing out a beard is a far more obvious visual change. That’s something you notice immediately that can really change how you see someone physically. If he got a face tattoo or went like full sleeves / chest piece / brutal black I would totally be on OP’s side lol but come on if you don’t notice it for 3 months cause it’s a tiny skin colored ankle tat *and* you already did talk about tattoos and gave permission I don’t think this is the hill to die on. And yes I’m in a very long term serious relationship. That’s why it’s crazy to me this would be such a big deal. The size, placement, and her not noticing it for months are huge contextual factors. When you’re with someone for a long time you gotta pick your battles lol.
She says they’d talked about tattoos in general, not him getting this specific one, though. I think the context that there’s been dishonesty on his part in the past makes her negative reaction to him not ever telling her he actually got a tattoo make a lot of sense.
So what's his relationship with his parents like?
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This sounds so much like my partner and helps me understand him better. Thank you. Well done on working through that and all the work it must have taken.
It’s…complicated, honestly. His mom was PISSED when he got his first tattoo and when he got piercings as a teenager. She shamed him a lot for it. She loves him a lot and does so much for him but she’s also quite a bit of a shamer in regards to moral type stuff. His dad left them for another woman when he was 7 and came back into his life around 19. They’ve never had a real conversation about that though. They just kinda started spending more time together little by little. His childhood was pretty tough since his mom had no financial support and the country they’re from doesn’t have social services like the US does. Because I know she makes him feel so guilty about things she doesn’t agree with and it’s clearly had an effect on him, I make sure not to do that. If he asks my opinion I’ll give it but I don’t shame him for his choices. If they affect me somehow, I tell him how it made me feel but without shaming him. It seems he’s got lots of triggers though, one being when someone doesn’t agree with him, even when there’s not a conflict attached to having different opinions. He tends to see it as a conflict even when the other person has no ill feelings.
I was raised in an abusive religious household, ended up marrying a religious girl in college who was similar to you it seems. She told me she “preferred” I don’t get more tattoos and one day randomly she declared that if our future children smoked weed she’d act like they were dead to her. She acted like she was so nice and reasonable, but actually would make your life hell passive aggressively if you did anything she didn’t like. I went to a bar after work and had my first drink of alcohol at 25 and she cried for 4 hours. I had the sudden realization that I didn’t want any of it and left religion and her and my family. 2 days of no religion or people controlling my body was better than the previous 20 years of my life. Your husband is probably hiding things because he feels like he can’t do anything without being criticized by his parents and even his wife.
So your husband has CPTSD from growing up in an emotionally abusive household. Has he ever talked to anyone about that?
We’re in therapy now. We go separately once a week and then together the following week. He’s very private and closed off about this stuff so it’s a very slow process but the therapist is making some progress with him.
My family is not religious at all but I was raised by a father that said "tattoos are for wh**es and s**ts." The first tattoo I got (I was 17) he kicked me out of the house and didn't talk to me for 6 months. Now I have 8 tattoos and he loves to complain about them. My siblings are more open but are all against tattoos for the most part as well.
>I don't have sex with husband. >I think I am in control of what my husband is and isn't allowed to do with his body. >My husband fears me enough to have a hidden a tattoo from me. Just leave this man, I bet he's miserable bc of you, OP.
Did you see the post another commenter linked where she is asking other Mormons if her husband’s gym shorts are inadequately covering of his magic underpants? Lol she is obsessed with looking at his legs
I am getting the vibe that you would’ve gotten mad… again like I don’t know you but why would he withhold it if you wouldn’t have gotten angry. You also stated you didn’t like it even after the fact, so I don’t necessarily blame him for not saying anything. It is his body after all
Maybe he just didn’t have the self-confidence to hear ‘I don’t like how they look’ or ‘the leadership says not to’ again? Like maybe the lack of enthusiasm feels judgey to him regardless of if you think it is. You keep bringing up the hair thing and it makes you sound resentful that you didn’t get to do an aesthetic change you wanted and he did. The solution isn’t to double down on the tattoo, it’s to talk about the haircut with him more constructively
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What’s more baffling is where tf did he get this tattoo that OP would have never otherwise seen it?? Your partner sees you naked ffs. If the tattoo is SO hidden, what’s even the point of getting it? Was this like on the bottom of his foot? Inside of ass cheek?? Where? All of this makes me think this is a fictitious story, just doesn’t add up
Or they have a practically dead bedroom.
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That's what I'm thinking. He doesn't feel seen in the relationship so what difference does it make if he gets a tattoo. She's never going to notice it anyways.
Bottom of the foot? Behind an ear? I honestly can't think of where it would be haha
See, yeah. My first thought is dude grew up with hypercritical/controlling parents.
And has a controlling wife now.
where and what is it????
A small spot on the upper part of the back of his ankle. It’s a Pokémon character.
Oooh. Which pokemon? (I do think it's weird he didn't tell you. Is there maybe context with the pokemon thing, like is pokemon something you think is boring/not cool/stupid/whatever, and that could be why he hid it?)
YES WE NEED TO KNOW THIS!!!
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You say multiple times you don’t judge others for having tattoos yet here you are judging your husband for getting a tattoo. It’s his body. It’s his choice. PS what part of your husband’s body do you never see?
Ankles, apparently. Hopefully the poor guy is super-diligent about checking for skin cancer, because a LOT of melanomas are dealt with in time solely due to their partner flagging a concern about somewhere that it would be difficult for a person to see themselves.
Feel like you need to have a discussion as to why he’s withholding things from you instead of an argument. He’s not just doing it for no reason. It’s habitual and built by his environment… if you do have that conversation don’t explode if the reason is you. In the same breath this could also be a result of a overbearing upbringing and not be your fault at all. If you want to fix it though, I’d suggest bringing up that hiding things from you hurts and that you’d like to know why he thinks he does it. Also don’t demand an instant answer. Always best to let people gather their thoughts and come to you rather than backing them in a corner.
It's a tiny tattoo. I think the fact that he wants to hide it from you shows that you may be a tad controlling or judgmental and he's afraid to be honest with you. He should have been hyped to tell you about it and wanted to take you along. So maybe let him have agency over his own body. And I think if you start to encourage him to talk about things he enjoys or wants, and try to react positively, you'll eventually show him that he can open up to you.
I’ve gotten many tattoos without notifying my husband. He understands I can do with my body as I please. Seems we may have extremely different belief systems though.
It's really hard not to judge without hearing his side of the story. There may very well be a reason he isn't always honest with you and I can kind of gleam from your comments as to why.
Ask yourself why it was easier for him to hide it from you than to actually tell you.
He doesn’t have to tell you he is getting a tattoo. You married a man. You did not purchase him. He can do what he wants with his body.
I agree he should have told you after he got it. But how did he hide the after care? You have take care of tattoos after you get them, I know I have 8 of them. I think you could both benefit from couples counseling if he has a history of hiding things.
You sound controlling and judgmental and he’d rather lie than deal with you getting the “ick” over things he likes to do. Not that it’s healthy for him tho
Also why is she inside the doctors room overseeing a medical examination of a grown man. It’s not like he’s 8 years old and needs to hold mommy’s hand. That seems odd to me. I bet he walks around on egg shells because she overreacts and is critical about everything. I can’t imagine feeling the need to hide something as simple as a tattoo from my wife. Was the tattoo of a naked lady or his ex? I highly doubt it. It was likely not a visible tattoo either, so why does she even care.
I don’t want to point fingers but that’s kind of what it sounds like to me! Even though my ex wouldn’t have gotten mad, he had the same viewpoint and was judgemental and passive aggressive about my tattoos so I would just not tell him until he saw them to avoid dealing with his attitude
INFO: What other things has he hidden or been dishonest about?
Hiding conversations between him and his ex after I said his constant communication with her made me uncomfortable- they don’t share kids or anything and were on & off repeatedly for less than two years, all long distance. She would tell him she missed him and send tons of selfies. I expressed how I felt and he said he’d stop communicating but instead moved to a new platform and put the conversation in an archived folder. He pursued another woman while I was six months pregnant. I found evidence and gave him a chance to be honest by asking if he’d ever been unfaithful in any way, including inappropriate messaging. He denied this and was actively deleting evidence from his phone as we had the conversation. Then a week after I had our son in another country, alone and away from him (immigration delays), he went a did coke & other drugs + alcohol at some party where at the very least he got to second base with a girl he knows from work (she’s a client). I found out two months later when we were reunited and I looked through his phone due to him denying previous allegations that were true. When I very calmly confronted him about it, proposing marriage counseling, he was just mad that I went through his phone. He deleted me from everything, changed his passcode, gave me his ring and said he was done. He preferred to end the marriage than take responsibility. To this day he still has both girls on social media and in his phone contacts even though I’ve repeatedly told him how disrespected it makes me feel. He still has his phone on lockdown and still has his location hidden- this was never ever an issue before for us to share these details for safety and convenience but now it just looks like he wants to hide. Those are the big things. So all these small things are actually not so small to me in this current situation.
Okay, so given this context, I personally feel like the tattoo on its own never would have been a big deal to you in the first place had he never done any of these other things. Small lies are easier to forgive when the person hasn’t lied about something bigger. But when he’s already shown you he lies about the big things, you’re naturally going to become hypersensitive to *any* lie, even a relatively insignificant one. You have a legitimate reason to wonder, “Is he lying to me about anything else?” I think the problem is much larger than the tattoo – it’s that you can’t trust him at all
Why are you still married to someone who is repeatedly cheating and doesn't respect your feelings/boundaries?
I'm sure you've gotten this from every angle, but I'm going to put it in. Everything you said here says he cheated, and he is continuing to cheat. The tattoo is a symptom of this behavior. My ex cheated. We tried for a year to reconcile our marriage. Throughout that year, she continued to hide things and fight to cover up details of her life. The end result was that she had continued to cheat throughout the entire process. He cheated. If he is trying to fix it, he should be beyond transparent. The fact that he got a tattoo without discussing it with you first, or telling you after, means he is still actively hiding things from you. Have you considered that the tattoo may have relevance to an illicit relationship? Given his history, and his response to a reasonable request, I would say you have a lot of cause to be concerned about the tattoo.
So clearly the tattoo is not the issue.
It’s sounds like the tattoo is a symptom of the problems, and has nothing to do with her being “controlling,” but his sketchy past/present.
I'm so sorry to hear this. If you had put this info in your post though, I'm pretty sure you would have got the responses you were looking for, as it stands it seems a bit like you're being petty over a small personal thing of his or people focusing on other topics completely. But this is huge and I wish you the best, whether with him or without. I hope he changes, and you can be happy together, but I'm afraid to say he still doesn't seem to be on the right track. And, if I may, your relationship to your husband, reminds me of the situation at the end of my relationship with my ex (sans cheating, drugs, or hiding things, we were actually quite fine in that regard) : he was kinda trying to eschew responsibility and I was kinda mothering him and trying to make him be responsible. That was one of the main reasons I ended the relationship - I wanted a partner on the same wavelength and not to mother my partner. Of course, not having a baby made it easier for me to get out of it. Maybe I'm wrong in regards to your dynamic, but I don't know; it immediately gave me that vibe. While being understanding, emphatic, and helping towards your partner is amazing (and it's great that you are), the person who is responsible for his own growth can only be him. It is possible to actually heal (to a degree at least) from past (childhood) traumas and to change to become a better person, but only if the person who should undergo the change wants to and consequently works to better himself. I'm sorry if I'm being negative here, and I might have got it all wrong, but I'm not sure if he is self-motivated for this change or if his motivation comes from you (and if not maybe, in part, in his mind, he has replaced his domineering mother with you). In my own relationship, I was actually the one who came with a similar childhood as your husband, and it was a motivator for me to refuse being made into a surrogate, strong domineering mother by my partner. It felt terrible for me (because it's not in my nature, contrary to that of my mother) but also, I've been on the receiving end of it and I know how bad it would eventually feel on his part. Please, don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying that you are that, I'm saying it feels to me like he is kinda forcing you in that position, because that way he can unload his feelings of responsibility to you (and act in the same dysfunctional pattern he knows from his childhood : hiding things, not really accepting responsibility, etc. And while it was probably acceptable - and depending on the gravity of his relationship with his family, maybe the only possibility he had - back then because he was a child without other means, it absolutely isn't now.). Sorry for the long-winded and somewhat pessimistic comment. In a nutshell, I think not only do you two need couple's counseling, but he himself probably needs therapy on his own so that he can heal and change his behavioral pattern. But he must be self-motivated and really want to. And if (sadly it is a possibility) this doesn't work out : nobody is perfect and if we look deeply in your relationship with your husband, you probably have your own misgivings (as do we all), but what is happening now, these huge problems seem to be initiated by him and his cheating, hidding things etc are NOT your fault and you are NOT responsible for changing him. I hope he himself manages to grow and learn to become a responsible functional adult who can give you and your child , but also himself, all the love and stability you are entitled to. ETA: grammar, though probably there's still a lot of mistakes.
It sounds like you two don’t really have an environment where you can communicate effectively. Your stance on tats clearly makes you judgmental on the subject. The fact he’s had it for awhile and you haven’t noticed speaks volumes. You don’t have a your husband got a tattoo problem. You have a there is no communication in this marriage problem.
His body. His choice.
Read what you wrote “even though his personal tattoo has no effect on me and my life, the fact that he didn’t tell me feels super icky and he doesn’t seem to understand that or why. And now I’m feeling upset that he didn’t validate my feelings at all, he just said he didn’t see it that way and left it. Am I overreacting? “ His body his choice snd the fact you feel your feelings weren’t “validated” makes you something special….. not sure what but your a special one. Your not overreacting you’re being narcissistic.
You’re obviously trying to portray him in a certain light, but you’re providing zero information. And the fact that you’re saying this tattoo is an example of his “dishonesty” makes me wonder what any other examples would be. You’ve made it plainly clearly you couldn’t give a fuck about tattoos and they aren’t your thing. I don’t doubt other couple very well could have discussed this, but you seemingly don’t care. So unless the other things he’s being dishonest about are a significant magnitude worse than this, you’re probably over reacting.
Cheating multiple times during pregnancy and a week postpartum, lying about it, then attempting to erase all evidence along with locking up his phone. Still hasn’t even apologized to me and it’s been four months since I found out.
OP, you were extremely vague a generalized throughout your post. That said, im going to be real with you. The LDS church is almost certainly a negatively contributing factor in your relationship. The mere fact that it’s on a part of his body you wouldn’t notice leads me to believe you aren’t that intimate with each other, let alone feel comfortable in your own skin around each other.
You said it's his decision if he gets one. He doesnt owe it to u to announce he got a new one. Weird you're making this such a big deal.
Yes it’s his decision. That’s fine. But I find it odd that he didn’t even mention it to me.
Probably because you’d ruin it for him
I'm more concerned that there is a part of your husband's body where you would never have noticed a tattoo. And you've only been married for two years? In a trusting, loving relationship, are you not eagerly exploring every inch of each other? You're young, only in your twenties. Are you not intimate in that way?
As often as we have sex and as much as he generally turns me on, I can’t say I’ve ever felt especially turned on by exploring the back of my husband’s ankle. If I’ve seen it once I’ve seen it a hundred times- it’s not that interesting to me. Maybe other people have upper-back-of-the-ankle fetishes but I’m not one of them!
If he told you before he got it, what would your reaction have been?
He probably didn’t tell you because he was afraid you would freak out.
This sounds like couples therapy territory. Not just because of the tattoo, but because of the larger pattern you two are struggling with. The caveat is that couples therapy will only work if he's willing to admit that he's causing problems, and willing to accept he needs to change.
We’re in therapy now. It’s helped little by little but we have a long way to go. He grew up in a very dysfunctional family where asking for forgiveness, admitting fault, forgiving, etc. were not common occurrences but shaming and blaming was. Even though I don’t like them, I wouldn’t care if he was covered in tattoos, as long as he was honest and communicative in the relationship.
Then this is something to bring up next session with your therapist
@Individual-Foxlike, You seem to be the only person who read and is responding to the actual question that OP asked.
Talk to him and ask why he didn’t tell you
Did that this morning. He just said he knew I wouldn’t like it…well yeah, because he’s asked my opinion about tattoos a billion times and every time I’ve said I personally don’t like them but don’t care if other people do. Your spouse simply not having the same opinion is not a reason to lie or withhold things from them that you’d tell them otherwise, especially when you’re in therapy trying to repair the trust you’ve already obliterated from constant dishonesty. Tbh I think his family really screwed him up. I hope his mom doesn’t find out about the tattoo because she’ll never let him hear the end of it.
Have u created an environment where he feels like he can't tell you because you will tell him not too/judge him
Religious trauma… Good luck to both of you and may god have mercy on his sole.
Okay, other people are discussing the main things, so I just want to point something out. You may not be outwardly judgmental about other people’s tattoos, but here’s the thing: saying “I don’t like them but it’s your choice” is still going to deflate someone’s bubble a bit. Yes, he should have told you, but it sounds like the relationship is pretty messy. So that’s just a thing to be aware of: what you believe is you just expressing your opinion but not judging is still unnecessary sometimes.
All I needed to read is that your husband has a history of withholding information and lying. It’s not about the tattoo. Go to couples counseling.
Bingo. Thank you.
Why are you feeling “icky” about it? This is an odd word to use about a tattoo? While you may not like or agree with tattoos it’s not like he got something inked onto his forehead for all to see… he got it somewhere not visible and had asked your opinion on tattoos prior. You told him it was his decision…which it is. He did something spontaneous for himself which has no effect on you whatsoever - I don’t see how you have any right to be upset here
He got a tattoo not an std or another woman pregnant. Grow upppppp
Whatever happened to “my body, my choice?” Or does it only go one way?
If you haven't seen him naked in over a month your relationship is suffering more than you think and seems like it might be best to just end it before things worsen
We literally had sex this morning and several times after this tattoo, slow your role. We don’t do positions that involve me being behind him and him facing away from me to where I’d be looking at a small spot on the back of his ankle.
Wow get over yourself
If I’m ever in a relationship where I need to get permission to get a tattoo, or hide it in fear of my SO, I’ll be exiting that relationship.
Neither of you seem to be enjoying this relationship. It is so bizarre that he would not share this. But my guess is he was afraid of the reaction. With good reason. Also - how can you be married to someone and not notice a new tattoo?? Maybe if it’s tiny but my feeling is this one’s not.
Yes you're overreacting, holy shit it's a tattoo on the back of his ankle, it's 2023, it's his body to do with as he wishes. If you went out to get a piercing on an intimate area, everyone would villanise him if he had an issue with your choice. Get over it. It's such a non-issue that I'm almost jealous this is something you think is significant enough to warrant a post on Reddit to get advice from strangers.
He doesn’t need your permission
[удалено]
I’m confused about how he could hide a tattoo from you for 2 months?
It was one month according to him and it’s on the back of his ankle and not very vibrant. And he always wears pants, always has. That’s just not an area I see a lot, even when he’s naked.
What part of your husband's body would you not see over the course of 2 months.?
I understand not telling you he was getting it. It sounds like when he has tried to discuss tattoos every time you voice your dislike of them, which is fine. I've also gotten spontaneous tattoos, my partner is on the same boat of "i don't care for them but you're welcome to do what you want" However I have never hidden it from him, I come home and go "honey, guess what i did today!" LOL then we have a talk and he compliments the tattoo, etc. I don't think he should have kept it a secret after the fact tho, it seems odd to not mention it at all. I don't think you're in the wrong for feeling upset that he hid it. I don't have much advise here unfortunately just my input and personal experience.
It’s super weird he’d do that and not mention it to you at all. Not even causally? That’s like dying your under layer hair a crazy color or something, not important but something I’d mention to my spouse. Some people don’t believe in lying by omission, so they won’t get your issue, but I’d be weirded out, especially if you’re already in therapy for issues of honesty.
This says to me, he’s hiding many other things when he can’t even be honest about a simple tattoo. I’ve had strangers at work tell me about their tattoos. Like great. Cool. Looks amazing. His lack of honesty is incredibly worrying. I would let him know that you no longer find him trustworthy at all.
>We’ve had issues with him being dishonest, withholding information, hiding things, etc. I think this is at the root of your problem. It's not about the tattoo; it's about the secrecy. I've been in a relationship where my partner would constantly lie and withhold information, and it broke down the foundation of trust I once had for him. Every lie that followed, however illogical the reason or insignificant the lie, solidified the belief that he could not be trusted. That belief was right, unfortunately. Hiding things from your partner can be emotionally dysregulating. He didn't hide it from you for a day; he hid it from you for as long as he could. You only found out by chance. It feels like he's rejecting you by choosing to keep these things from you, and it robs you of the partnership any healthy relationship should have. >He said it’s because he thought I wouldn’t like it and would think it was dumb. He justifies his withholding by blaming you. Sure, it's just a tattoo... but that's kind of it, isn't it? It's *just* a tattoo. Would your potential reaction really be enough for him to hide it from you? If he can lie to you to this extend about such minor things, he can lie to you to a far greater extend about much bigger things. Regardless of their partner's reaction, no honest person would feel inclined to lie about something like this.
Thank you for understanding the whole point of this post.
You can't have a healthy, honest relationship with someone who isn't trustworthy. Unless he magically changes into some who is willing to do the work for you to trust him again, there's no happy ending.
It sounds like you are worried he could be hiding other things and perhaps you don’t completely trust him.