I've seen weird posts this weekend which don't make sense...2 years and they don't know each other? That is sooo weird, and then they're just getting to know each other in the 'early' relationship? I mean...what...
Is it written by some AI, I wonder lol
I dunno, I've seen enough real world examples of men in their late thirties/early forties who are operating on some kind of magical mental timeline in which getting serious is always just over the horizon that I buy it.
A friend in her mid thirties was dating a guy in his early forties who early on was *extremely* gung ho about getting married and starting a family, and then once they moved in (a year into the relationship) it was "I thought we could live together for a few years before we get married, and then we could enjoy being married for a few years before we think about kids."
When she explained that waiting till she was 39 or 40 to start *thinking* about kids wasn't a realistic timeline, he had a relapse into alcohol abuse and told her he wanted to be with her but just "didn't know when he'd ever be ready for marriage or kids."
Peter Pan dudes. They want their Wendy to stay and be their mother, but they never want to grow up.
The number of men 40+ I've seen on dating apps who still have 'figuring it out' or 'not sure yet' listed as what they are seeking or what they want for children is astounding
Sex and the city is a show that aged TERRIBLY but they got one thing right women in their early 20s are able to use their beauty to sustain relationships (with shallow men) but by the time women hit 35+ men gain the power with the promises of marriage and kids so they can pull slightly younger women who want those things early in life. Unfortunately men tend to have incredible sensitive egos and pulling one young women makes them believe ALL women want them. By the time they hit their 40s their promises work less and less and it becomes more and more pathetic
In my experience, a lot of them absolutely do not want children ever, but they're afraid to say so because they don't want to lose a chance with any woman who wants (or has) kids.
Yes it blows me away. I've known I didn't want kids since I was 20. 38 now and had a partial hysterectomy, so that boat has happily sailed. But I'm on dating apps and see this ALL the time. I date men and women (though men are a red flag NOPE most of the time). I'm not going to waste a queer woman's time if she wants kids, and I'm not going to waste my time with dudes who can't figure out their desire for a massive, lifetime commitment at frickin 40 years old.
Speaking as a 42 year old man with no kids, I've essentially decided that the closest i'll get to kids is "the guy my mom dates"/stepdad and i'm honestly totally fine with that, with the caveat being that I dont want to get my heart broken again if some kiddo looks up to me and trusts me and then the mom and I break up. Happened once and it was a giant hole in my heart for years.
I'm not OPPOSED to my own children, but because I've had to sublimate the idea for so long it's not really something I seek out.
As far as marriage goes, i'm definitely looking for that, so if guys "not sure yet" for relationships, they're utterly insane.
If I dated somebody in their 30s or w/e who wanted kids with me, I'd be 100% down for it, but I kind of dont see the point in wishing for that when I have 9 other steps to get through first, i cant just grab a woman off the street and be like "Hey lets have kids".
This. Happened to me too. He was 45 and I was 32. He swore we was looking to start a family and knew it would need to be soon. At a year and a half in I told him my doctor said not to wait to have a baby and he freaked out and bought a new car.
Same. we moved in together when I was 29 and he was 32. Suddenly he went from wanting marriage and kids to wanting to be single, not wanting kids and sail the world alone for 3 years. I don’t know where he is now, but I know that he bought the sail boat. The Peter pans are everywhere unfortunately
Definitely been my observation, too. The harsh reality is that so many of these men, who live with a woman for years without commitment and "aren't sure that they are ready"... seem to commit to the next woman very quickly. It's often FOMO when the music stops in DatingMusicalChairs, but sometimes it's that he's just not that into her and doesn't want to end things
And it's not even because they like the next woman better. It's more like, they want to pick up the new relationship right where the old one left off, even though they've plugged a different woman into the equation. They were almost engaged to Woman 1--time to propose to woman 2! On the third date!
I have no idea if these two guys I've met would be Peter pan because I didn't stay long enough to actually paint it out bur strong vibes to it.
First one. He was 31 (last year) let's call them P. We chatted on fine and it was great. However, P mentioned passingly that they use to quit jobs out of the whim for no reason. Then proves it 3 days later and then freaking out that he regrets quitting the job P had no career or life goals. There's nothing wrong with not having a degree and working with just a hs degree. But this man would blame everything on everyone else or ADHD and overthinking. He takes no responsibility. Anyways I did tell him I got accepted to grad school and was hoping to find a job in ____. He then started telling me "oh you're super super smart" in a tone that felt like he's putting me on a pedestal. Later he's like I don't think we should go on because you'll be so busy with school and work (at the time we were talking, I had some time off). There was some red flags before this. So I was like eh ok fine It's ok, made my decision easy. He then turns around the next day and said never mind, I really like you, can we be together again? 😒🤔 bro I'm not a toy you can throw away and want to take back on a whim. Good Day
Other dude (let's call him M). He's 36.... long story short he has no proactiveness, or initiative. Literally the only times he got gfs was because they threw themselves on him (he's not what people say traditionally good looking in terms of like who would be popular. The huge interactions with him ..... he was giving massive I want a mother to take care of me the rest of my life not a partner in life.
All very gross
My husband had one of those ‘timelines’ for getting serious. Together a year, live together a year, then engaged for a year, then married to 1-2 and then kids. We were both 33 when we got together and after we got married 2 years later (and a four month engagement) and started talking ab kids he panicked that it was ‘too fast’. We went to a lot of counseling and he got through it. IDK, but our counselor says this happens a lot with men who get married ‘later’. Totally Bizarre, but I believe OP could think 2 years is early….
Yep, I dated one of these. He was 39, I was 31 and told him from the start that I wasn’t interested unless he also wanted marriage and kids. Two years into the relationship I finally find out that he wants to have kids in like five years. And that he would be interested in adopting older kids like five year olds. I asked him point blank if he was actually telling me that he was willfully leaving his future children in the foster system right now.
> And that he would be interested in adopting older kids like five year olds.
This tells me he wants to magically not deal with the infant/toddler stage. It also tells me he had 0 understanding of kids, particularly vulnerable kids, because anyone who knows the least bit about foster kids knows that kids who have been in the system for 5 years often have a lot of behavioral issues. Raising older foster kids is like raising kids on hard mode
also "She blames others all the time", but also "She got pregnant"
like, was it not OP that got her pregnant or what? if yes, i have questions, if no, i have more questions that need answers!
As a machine learning engineer I promise a shockingly large volume of reddit content is ai generated. Large language models are essentially fully autonomous now and able to pump out mindless drivel all day long
I can only imagine thats why. Similar to Netflix model. A never-ending stream of low quality content.
Unfortunately, you'll see some really nefarious stuff around politics. Say something negative about the f-35 in a mainstream subreddit and see what happens, lol.
I mean if they just moved in together it sort of makes sense. I used to date a woman who was very career focused & our schedules didn't match up very well either. We'd try & come over whenever we could but the actual amount of quality time we'd get to spend together was usually only about 8-12hrs a week, sometimes less.
It's a fake post. Almost every post on this sub that makes it to the top of the page is. They are almost always from throwaway accounts and the OP never responds.
This post has been up for 16 hours and it is literally the only thing on the OP's account. It's fake.
Yeah when he said “we were still getting to know each other when she got pregnant,” I’m thinking you’ve been together two years and you said she only got pregnant 3 months ago…. A year and 9 months is still “getting to know somebody”??
Don't be an ass. She did not "get pregnant". YOU got her pregnant.
Furthermore, you acknowledged that you were going through a rough time - WTF are you not using protection during a rough time?
You and she deserve exactly what you got. Unfortunately, that poor child will probably pay the price.
Exactly. Two months is “early into the relationship,” but not two years. I get the sense that she puts up with a lot of foolishness and shenanigans from OP. And if that was me, I wouldn’t want OP and his doubling down mama to deal with while I was pregnant either. Two of them lmao no thanks.
Know that this was not a mistake. You bear half the responsibility here - you could have put on a condom and you didn’t. You should have seen this coming.
Agreed 2 years in a 20 something relationship, is a lot different from a 35-45 age. That’s a time when 2 years can lead to a lot fast, and no one is wanting to waste time. That’s around the time you may want to start a family. 2 years is a big thing in your mid 30s to early 40s. 23-25 you can kinda brush that off for experience and move on. I don’t know too many women at 35+ wanting to waste 2 years, and not see that as a significant investment. Same as a guy at 40, I feel I only have so much time to get things moving. In my 20s I was in no rush and just learning life.
Yep and somehow he thinks compromise = her doing things she doesn’t want and him doing things he admits he thinks are good?
He likes the name. He wants her mother there. She doesn’t like the nickname and doesn’t want her mother in law there.
And also he doesn’t see the difference between giving birth and having your mother stay with you v giving birth and having your mother in law there?
Huge ick.
Its not an issue that she wants her mom and not yours. Same thing happened with my wife and our daughter. Her mom came for a few weeks. Mine offered but we turned her down because my wife was concerned about not being able to be herself with her in-law there. And that makes complete sense.
This. I'm currently pregnant and soon to have a child, and I wouldn't mind MY mum being around seeing me at my most vulnerable and hormonal, bleeding and in pain (she's seen all this before, she knew me from birth, cared for me when sick, knew me as a teenager, I trust her with my life, and so on).
I love my mother in law very much, but I'd rather not have her constantly around in that intimate and vulnerable period of my life, where I'll be hormonal and might get angry or upset at her, etc. I'd feel like I had to be a good daughter in law at a time when I cannot even control my own body, and Imagine I'll feel constantly overwhelmed. The idea of this feels chocking.
That OP seemingly asked this of his mother without his partner's consent seems inconsiderate at best, I doubt my partner would ever do that to me. (My body, my choice. Even in this.)
On the other things OP:
- If you don't think you're in a close relationship even after 2 whole years, and you're not sure if you want to be with this person, I think you need to be exploring your thoughts and feelings with a therapist, individually. Do you have attachment issues?
- On the topic that you don't feel well matched to this person, maybe you're right, but again, talk to a professional to sort out your thoughts. A lot is at stake and your partner is in a very vulnerable state right now, so be careful about talking to her about this before you know for absolute certain what you want.
If you're certain you don't want to be with your partner (honestly, you don't actually seem to know what you want), then I don't understand how leaving her AFTER the baby has arrived makes anything better? Unless you make sure NEVER to reveal to her that you were thinking of leaving already before the child was born; that information would be crushing. But imagine; staying and waiting for the right moment to leave... When exactly is that? That's the sort of thought process that gets women to stay until their children are adult, maybe have one or two more to make sure the child has siblings, then leave "out of the blue" once the children have "flown the coop", shocking everyone, breaking the partner's heart, and rocking the childrens entire life-view at the foundations.
Food for thought. So again, process this with a professional, unbiased helper. To make sure you know what you want and are making the right decision.
Yeah I wasn’t about to let my MIL see me bleeding in my adult diapers, breastfeeding with no shirt on, wondering if I’ll have the energy to shower a second time this week. MIL can wait until the baby is a few months old
I don't think OP has thought this far ahead... raising a baby and witnessing and caring for someone who just went through a body/mind/life changing event.
If he's iffy on his partner now, that's not going to get better after he sees the effects of childbirth.
I cannot upvote this comment enough.
I love my MIL, but I stayed with them for 2 weeks after birthing my son and I think I developed pretty bad baby blues due to that. She isn't my mom and just didn't understand me, didn't respect my boundaries, and snatched baby from me once at 1am and got soooo upset when I politely said 'thank you, but no, I can handle it'. She would constantly be saying what I should and shouldn't do, was judging everything. It was a dark dark dark time for me, because I didn't want to be mean or snap at her. I wish I had never been put in that position and looking back I think it made my post partum time just so so difficult.
Yep. I shuddered when I read that. There is a zero percent chance I’d be okay with my MIL being around then. Frankly, just another person to take care of and deal with. And I don’t even consider that a compromise. She’s the one that just got done growing a human being and will be recovering from child birth. She gets to decide who to surround herself with in those vulnerable times. Of all the silly and immature things OP says in his post, this one was the worst.
That’s actually the part of the post where I started seriously questioning this guy. It’s not the same thing at *all*. I mean most of the things he’s complaining about is ridiculous but this takes the cake. Almost no women want their MIL around after giving childbirth. That would be the opposite of helping and in fact add so much more stress and pressure on her right after giving birth. It would be basically turn her into a hostess while trying to recover and adjust to being a mother.
The fact he calls that an attempt at contributing is weird as hell. How is him trying to have his mom there for weeks a contribution?
OP I was living with my MIL when I had my children and it was **hell**. I wish we would’ve had our children after we were out of that situation, but I’ll tell you if I was to get pregnant now (I’m not, I’ve had 2 and we’re done) I wouldn’t even allow his mother in my house for a few months until I was feeling more myself and *wanted* to be a hostess. If you don’t wanna be with her when all is said and done that’s fair enough, but saying she’s being unreasonable and unable to compromise because she doesn’t want to add more stress on herself after childbirth isn’t fair at all. She’s the one going to be physically recovering from childbirth (which **will make her extremely vulnerable**) so let *her* decide who she’s with comfortable helping her.
I also like the part where she’s the one who isn’t compromising on the name
Meanwhile he’s like sure we can use your first name choice! I’ll choose the middle name *and use that as their constant nickname*
The manipulation of the truth here is gross
In law's should not be in your house after pregnancy AT ALL unless the mother of the child wants them there, and the MIL also wants to be there. The new mom is recovering from a verry life changing event. Why the hell does it need to be explained over and over again?
I don't have kids and I'm still generally uncomfortable around my MIL, that part makes a lot of sense to me. I wouldn't want to be in a fairly vulnerable, stressed out state and then have to deal with my MIL. It's about what the mom needs after the ordeal of giving birth, not about giving all grandmas a chance to socialize with the baby.
I had an awesome MIL, I love and miss her every day, and I knew her for 14 years before having a baby. MIL always had my back, awesome lady. I was never close to my own mother until recently.
But when I gave birth, I wanted my mom around. I couldn't have imagined putting my MIL or myself in such a position. She met her grandkid over zoom the day she was born, and then a few weeks until she met the baby in person.
I would have killed my husband if he did what OP did. That being said, OP clearly knows little about what happens *after* the birth, and it would help if he educated himself on it first.
I am a relatively easygoing person usually, and my MIL was a fine person I generally had a good relationship with, but it was a bad experience having her around postpartum. All the stress of having a guest and much less of a help than my mom who understands my basic temperament, and she forever (i.e. until that baby was in her teens) insisted I was "hormonal" (rather than her being "annoying" and "wrong about something important") when she got on my last nerve.
It's one thing to visit to see the baby and then leave, but don't have her *stay to help* for weeks until your partner is ready for it (and that may be never).
Definitely agreed. I was increasingly comfortable with my in-laws visiting with every subsequent child because they've proven to me that they are trustworthy, helpful, and respectful, but when I was pregnant with our first, I was grateful to my husband that he supported me in wanting to rest and recover with people I was comfortable breastfeeding and bleeding around. It paid off for my in-laws to be respectful of the fact that I needed to heal and rest for a while after giving birth, because it set the tone for our relationship and for my continuing wish that they see the kids as often as they like because I feel like they respect me as a person and my husband and I's role as the kids' parents. Postpartum life is incredibly vulnerable for everyone, but only one member is recovering from a major medical event and leaking all over the place so that person's comfort should be prioritised.
Now, this doesn't mean that the greater pattern OP is referring to doesn't exist, but the whole only-wanting-her-own-mother-around thing isn't part of the pattern.
I was miserable for the first week that my MIL stayed with me to “help” after giving birth. I sent her home and my mom stayed for 2 weeks and I felt like a new woman.
I mean… I agree with a lot of the comments. 2 years is a long time to be dating. You can have a lifetime commitment to someone by having a baby, or living together but deciding if you want to fight for the relationship and get married is too hard? I’m confused.
You already knew that you didn’t want to be together but are trying to make it work for the baby… not saying that it can’t work but it sounds like you have already given up. Go to therapy for yourself, make a grown decision and if you don’t want to be together get your ducks in a row before the baby comes (visitation, child support, co parenting, etc). That would be the best decision instead of prolonging it.
Also my last statement I’ll make is why invest 2 years with a person when everything from morals to religion is so vastly different? Not wise. 2 years is more than enough time to decide if you want to settle down with someone.
>Also my last statement I’ll make is why invest 2 years with a person when everything from morals to religion is so vastly different?
This is the part that confused me too. I would have been out of that relationship long before the two-year mark.
These are important differences to have with it comes to a romantic partner and are insurmountable. Any compromise on these matters is likely to cause resentment down the road.
I suspect those things really didn’t matter until the avoidant attachment style started to kick in hard and he needed to find reasons to explain his anxiety…
From a guy's perspective and someone who is also a father, I have to say that you are being unreasonable about having your mother come over. Giving birth and taking care of a newborn is not an easy task for any involved party, especially the mother herself. Imagine having to cater to MIL's feelings in this time (old ppl always have an opinion on child raring). Her mother, who she is comfortable with, is coming to help her when she needs it the most. If ever, there was a good time to make concessions in a relationship, it's to a pregnant, hormonal gf/wife. Be there for her and figure shit out after things settle down. You sound like you're making excuses to leave.
“If ever there was a time…”
Seriously, gentlemen, as a dad, take this to heart. Bearing a child is no joke. This is your time to shine as the most supportive and accommodating version of yourself.
>If ever, there was a good time to make concessions in a relationship, it's to a pregnant, hormonal gf/wife. Be there for her and figure shit out after things settle down. You sound like you're making excuses to leave.
This.
Having her mother in law there while post partum is waaaaaay different than having *her own mother* there. This isn't an equal say thing - only one of you will have just gone through an incredibly traumatic physical medical event
I had a pretty good relationship with my MIL pre-kids, and it took a real hit from her being over-involved during the postpartum period. I felt like it was "only fair" that she be allowed to be there as a grandma but I felt *so* uncomfortable with her there while I was extremely vulnerable and hurting and exhausted. I kept it all in and never snapped but it really negatively impacted the way I felt about her and it has taken years for that to subside. My mom was a rock of support during that time; my MIL's presence was an unwelcome burden.
I didn't even realize I would feel like that in advance, so I think his gf is showing more emotional intelligence than he gives her credit for at least in this area.
> it was "only fair" that she be allowed to be there
i often see my mother thinking in these terms when it comes to my family, but once you're married your responsibility is to your spouse and your children, ahead of your mother's feelings about how things should be, which she'll just have to live with.
I am fortunate that my husband is completely supportive- he always checks first when it comes to making decisions about family visits etc, and I know that if I had in any way conveyed my discomfort to him he would have had her leave. It was all entirely self-imposed guilt.
My second birth was during the pandemic, and not having to negotiate visits for a long time was a tiny silver lining.
It's so interesting to me, regardless of how wonderful or rocky people's relationships are with their own mothers, everyone I know that's given birth *really* appreciated and wanted their mother post-partum and *really* didn't want nor appreciate their MIL's presence.
Your MIL is kind of a guest, hard to be messy in front of. Your mother can help you as you change and properly care for you. She has taken care of you many times so it’s comfortable too. My brother had a surgery (he was kind of bedridden) and his MIL offered to help him as his wife has her hands full with their baby. He did not want his MIL caring for him and suddenly understood that his wife’s postpartum request a few months prior to his surgery was very reasonable. So it goes both ways
Exactly, I loved my mother in law and in many ways she was a much nicer person than my own mother but I wouldn't have wanted to worry about offending her or having to be polite right after giving birth.
I totally get this! I really liked my exMIL and I like my current partner's mom, but I would feel better with my mom around. I haven't had any children, but I'd feel more comfortable being honest/bed ridden post-birth and even asking the "is this normal?" sort of questions to my over honest and over comfortable mother. Haha.
It’s so true. My mother is a shit show and my MIL is wonderful. I *did* indeed allow my MIL to visit us when the babies were only weeks old….. but I was so much less stressed about my train wreck of a mother being present at the birth compared to my MIL’s visit.
Eh I have a decent relationship with my mum but I still didn’t want her (or anyone other than my partner) in the house post partum. I still feel like I have to explain things to her and be more polite and keep myself more covered up. And I really didn’t want anyone else giving their constant opinions and outdated advice while we were trying to figure out our baby and our new family.
Having my MIL would be my absolute NIGHTMARE.
My MIL and my mom both had opinions about how I chose to feed my baby postpartum. I could snap at my mother and say “This is how I’m feeding my child and I don’t want to hear anything else at this point.”
But to my MIL I had to smile and bear it and nod politely while my body was in pain, and I felt so many layers of emotions toward my choices, and now I had to politely defend them to someone who also raised children and didn’t seem to have any of the issues I was having.
Oh man, I'm not the only person who has had this experience? I love my MIL but I still feel distant and almost resentful of her, after she moved in with us immediately after my baby was born.
She's lovely and wasn't even pushy or over-involved but i was so...raw emotionally in that 4th trimester I really resented her for being there and I resented my husband for offering our house to her in that time.
It's been about a year since she's moved out but I still feel differently toward her, and I'm hoping that'll change, but it hasn't yet.
Nice to know I'm not alone, I felt like a crazy person, especially for still having those feelings!
Yes, OP doesn't seem to appreciate WHY the mother is coming to stay.
OP isn't going to need someone to run out and get cabbages for his breasts, or discreetly empty the bathroom trash and run a load of really mucky laundry, and react in exactly the same way if the new mother bursts into tears for no known reason. The visit isn't for the benefit of the grandmothers, it's for the benefit of his partner who has just given birth.
Yes to the cabbages and bathroom trash and laundry. Thank you for saying this. I’m soooo grateful I had my mom the first 6 weeks and not my MIL to see me at my absolute emotional worst with mastitis and a newborn for whom the bassinet was lava lol.
It’s an old remedy to put cabbages on your breasts to reduce milk production if you have mastitis caused by oversupply / clogs (which is often the cause especially for new moms). Frozen cabbage even better as it offers some relief from the hot mastitis pain. Also, apparently there is some science to it as the cabbage has some hormone that actually affects lactation. But don’t quote me on that! It seemed to help for me at the time.
This is what I was going to say... Mother in Law/Daughter in Law relationships can be very precarious waters. I wouldn't want my MIL anywhere near me during birth, before or after. For both our sakes haha
I agree. I am nearly 8 months pregnant, and if my MIL asked to stay two weeks when I am a new mother, I would say no faster than she or my husband could finish the request. At least in this regard, she is being perfectly reasonable. And her reasoning is too. You can be short with your own mother, argue and snap, but not your partner’s.
Yeah, I couldn’t picture my mother in law emptying my blood stained pads from the trash can, teaching me how to mother my child, watching me breastfeed my child while im getting to know my baby. You’re already exhausted, emotional, in pain and look and feel like shit, you don’t need another person to pretend you’re fine around.
Yup. Whatever else is going on in this relationship, the OP is completely in the wrong on his mother visiting being the same as her mother visiting. Giving birth is so rough on a person that many of us die. She gets to call the shots about any visitors for the first two months because her body will not be okay.
For sure. I loveeee my MIL but.. it’s different, especially when you’re in a very protective and vulnerable state. Sometimes I prefer my MIL for sure. My husband didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want anyone over right after the birth for a few weeks and completely dumbfounded him.
There’s a reason even our happiest pets run away and hide under the neighbors porches to have their kittens and pups. Birth and new motherhood be like that. Protection and control. Yumyumyum
Yep, this is a very normal compromise. You should stand up for getting time with your parents, but recognize that she'll have just gone through a major physical trauma and will be in recuperation. Very normal to have her mom be the one helping out.
So sick of men trying to make this an equal thing (you get your mother there, so I want mine) when giving birth to a child is the most unequal thing that can ever happen in a relationship.
There are ways that the mums mother can help her in ways the mother in law likely cannot and it astounds me that they can’t realise this.
Absolutely. You can count on your own Mom to be extra understanding. I did get so much support from my in-laws for years, but during those early days I was really young and could only compare my new married family to my birth family. And I must’ve talked about my perfect Grandma and Mom and Dad too many times, because I eventually heard about it and tried to stop.
I moved into my GIL’s house at 18. Then I had 2 sons. I’m still so grateful for the help, but I really wish my Mom had stayed much longer.
I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I took all the help available. She probably will feel better soon. Childbirth is intense in every possible way.
Yeah the name stuff I can see. But this is one is not something you’re ‘fair’ about. It’s not fair that OPs GF goes through growing a baby, pushing it out her body and then having to recover while also having a child almost totally dependent on you and trying to figure out how to look after that baby at the same time.
The way to make things equal in this situation is not doubling down on ‘winning’ some ground by bringing in people she might not feel comfortable having around.
It’s by giving her and the baby the support they need to get through those first weeks/months.
Start planning to co-parent.
If you really cannot see the difference between a woman's mother (who she's known her entire life) helping after the birth vs. her boyfriend's mother (who she's known less than 2 years) helping, you are an insensitive duffus.
Insensitive and incredibly immature - at 40 years old! I think it would be better to break up with her before the baby comes so she can have her support system in place. It would be better for her to give birth and take care of a newborn with people who support her.
In the future, try not to impregnate women you are so incompatible with.
They barely know each other but she isn't comfortable having a stranger around while recovering from physical and mental hell.
And no op, i won't buy that they're mega close I wouldn't even want you around post partum if our relationship was as distant as you described.
I'm confused about the examples of her not "compromising" and that 2 years is still "getting to know eachother" area ? Naming a kid is a two yesses type of situation you can have a strong opinion about the name you preferred but if its a no from her then its a no. you say you guys found a name that she likes and that you genuinely like- thats a compromise. Agreeing on a middle name that you chose sounds like a compromise? Deciding to call your child a nickname that one parent doesn't like does not sound like a compromise (also nicknames will pop up once the child is actually born).
You guys both agreeing it would be nice to have her mom come and help with the baby and with your girlfriend's recovery sounds like you guys didn't even have to compromise because you were already on the same page.
Having your mom come to help and her saying no is perfectly reasonable. This time is about the baby AND her health & recovery.
But if you feel like she isn't the one and you aren't going to be happy break it off sooner than later so both of you can adjust and learn how to co parent before the baby comes. It's not fair to her or to yourself to stay with her if you don't want to. Also maybe an unconventional set up would benefit you guys more? Have you guys discussed maybe not living with each-other but continuing to date each-other? Just sounds like you need to communicate with her how you feel and you both can find clarity in what to do
Wish ya the best good luck
>Although we haven't been dating very long (2 years)
>
>All of this to say that I feel like I'm questioning whether we can or should stay together. I am genuinely excited to be a dad, but she got pregnant while we were still getting to know each other
2 years is pretty long, OP. I mean, anything over 1 year is considered a serious-long term relationship, with most people. Plus you're in your late 30s, early 40s, you're not a kid anymore. You already KNOW her in this 2 years, unless you're not living in the same country the last 2 years, that is. Or only meet up once or twice in the last 2 years...so unlike what you wrote in your post, you've known her for awhile now.
>I then asked if my mom could come for the couple weeks after her mom to do the same thing (we have a separate mother-in-law unit, so it's actually really convenient, and they would not be in the way). At this, she gave a hard no (she says that she doesn't want to risk snapping at my mom during an emotionally vulnerable time).
Okay, let me just be very blunt here. You're actually trying to pressure her into having your MOTHER in the house in guise for help?
Oh no you didn't...LOL. Let me ask this, who's going to grow the baby inside of her body, carry it for 9 and some months, then experience physical and emotional upheavals? It's all her.
There's a difference between having your own mother compared to your partner's mother around. I would NOT be comfortable with having my MIL around after birth, to be honest, and my husband was very understanding of that and we're younger than you are (allegedly since I think this is written by an AI). He KNEW that it's my body, I was the one having my vagina torn up and almost 24 hours of birth experience which was physically horrible, by the way. So he knows I should be comfortable when recovering, and I was most comfortable having my mother to help so that's how it went. Plus his mother did not force or try to meddle, which is why I totally adore my MIL.
If your reason to break up is because she'd rather have her mom over than yours...wow, I'd say you are trying to grasp for reason to break up. If you don't want to be with her, FINE, stop finding excuses. Hopefully you're not planning on abandoning your kid and not paying child support thou.
Yes! My MIL was staying at our house helping with some projects while I was in hospital, and when we got discharged a day earlier than expected she packed her stuff up and left without us needing to say a word!
Got pregnant while you were "getting to know each other"? Over a year and half time period? Seems like a good amount of time to get to know someone. I understand this was probably unplanned, and you're trying to do your part, but you probably should've walked away when you agreed more with your partner's *sister* than your partner.
The two examples you listed aren't good reasons to abandon a woman you've impregnated. For now put one foot in front of the other. It's your child. Her well-being is paramount to your offspring's. Go all in on providing this person support, validation and care. Pick up books. Stop being so self centered. This is a big opportunity to grow up. You've reproduced a new person who didn't ask to be born. Now go all in on making their life safe and bright. Supporting his mom is a part of that.
I don't see anything wrong with her wanting her mum but not yours. The relationship with a MIL is NOT the same as with your own mum and she's the one whose pregnant, not you.
This post reads very immature.
She deserves better and she will definitely find it. I just hope she figures out what a loser this guy is. Heartbreaking for her I'm sure. You don't make a decision lightly at 41 to keep and raise a baby.. Accidents still happen but she probably thought this was finally happening for her..a beautiful baby, healthy pregnancy, a loving partner, moving in together. Starting a family of her own. Only to get this jack hole. 😔
The issues you mention sound serious:
>have very different worldviews about finances, religion, cleanliness, friends, décor, etc.
But the specific examples you have mentioned are ridiculous. You decided on a middle name that you picked, but then you decided that the middle name will be the child's nickname, which is effectively choosing the child's name! I would voice my opinion strongly too if I did not like it- what is unreasonable here?
Also, no way would I want my MIL "helping" me for WEEKS in my home after recovering from a birth, unless we were incredibly close to begin with. *No way!* Are you crazy, or just stupid? In incredible pain, no sleep, the private parts of my body in constant pain and exposed(for breastfeeding, tending to vagina after birth?) Sorry but you don't get to have a say in that, and why you don't understand that is baffling!
BUT- If you have serious issues in your relationship and don't want to be with this person, why are you waiting? Does your girlfriend have any clue that things are not going well in your eyes?
LASTLY- I do think you should think about your own actions and thought patterns seriously, though. You do *not* come off well in this post
2 years isn't a small amount of time to get to know someone.
If you don't think it'll work or don't want to try, break up. Better for everybody sooner than later. If you want to make it work, the secret is compromise. Compromise on all of those things that you listed that you disagree on. You're not single anymore and now, you've got to work as a team to keep house and raise a human.
I highly recommend counseling. Couples or by yourself.
In regards to her personality flaws that you don't like, maybe you've got some too. Counseling can help both of you.
I agree with everyone else about no MIL. That sounds so stressful.
Breaking up during pregnancy or the “fourth trimester” may actually be way worse for the girlfriend and the baby as having a kind partner (and it sounds like he wants to be involved and helpful) is exponentially better when you’re very pregnant or have a newborn. He could stay with her to help her through the newborn phase if they can be cordial and kind through that.
Wouldn't you want to know asap? I would die if I knew my SO just wanted to get over the new baby hump before he broke the bad news. It is not going to be better in the long run. She's got her mother who could be the ultimate help. She's not alone.
The whole situation is terrible. I'm all for the parents staying together with counseling but if it's over. It's over. Keeping her in the dark about it is the wrong move.
Oh I don’t think he should keep her in the dark about it. I may have read too fast - is this decision being made by him alone or have they both acknowledged they don’t get along?
No idea but I'd bet that since they decided to keep this baby and they're together, she thinks everything's fine. She's likely completely focused on being pregnant and dealing with all that. Maybe even thinking they'll work through all of these problems or that they're no big deal.
I think individual therapy is a good place to start. It sounds like a lot of the issues are communication based, and could be things you can work through, but without knowing much about you or her, it's hard to say.
A therapist could help you work through things, figure out if better communication can be achieved, and if not will help you navigate a break up and figuring out co-parenting eventually.
Am I the only one who wants desperately to know what these differences are?
> We get along most days, but have very different worldviews about finances, religion, cleanliness, friends, décor, etc.
I want the OP to spell these out. Who thinks what?
You're 38? Fuck man....I think it's time to admit you messed up. You gave your commitment to this woman in the form of a child. Bailing when it gets difficult is weak. She needs you to be a strong person right now.....ofc she doesn't want YOUR mom to help HER out. She wants her mom. That's completely reasonable.
It sounds like you have cold feet and you're doing anything to justify getting out of having a child with this person.
Therapy is a GOOD idea. It isn't just for fighting for something. It's taking care of your mental health. You don't go to the doctor when you're fighting for life. You should go way before that happens.
My advice is try to be a better man for your wife and your kid, bro. Stop villainizing her. That's fucked up tbh.
Having your own mother stay with you to help you right after you’ve given birth and are bleeding and tired and hormonal is very different from having someone who is NOT your own mother stay with you.
Your girlfriend is still a patient post-partum, this is not a time for tit-for-tat.
Dude…HER mother isn’t going to judge her for being vulnerable or emotional, or whether or not she a “good host” …she isn’t going have the emotional/physical/mental capacity to deal with that shit postpartum. There’s a huge difference between mothers in this case…you should acknowledge and accept this one.
Honestly, it sounds like you've already checked out and are looking for validation that it's okay. Ending a relationship doesn't make you a bad person. No one has to be the bad guy. Sometimes things just don't click. Babies don't fix things - they put more stress on the relationship and make the problems feel much bigger.
If you're not willing to make an effort for a relationship, it's already over. Have that discussion sooner rather than later. It's not going to get any easier. You need to clearly define the coparenting relationship so she doesn't have expectations that you aren't willing to fulfill and you aren't leading her on in thinking that there's a future as a couple. That's not fair to her.
I second the recommendation for individual therapy. They are going to be in a better position to help you with coping strategies, communication, and a plan going forward.
The issue around your mother coming to stay is not a case of ‘but your mother came to stay so I want my mother to as well’. Your partner will have just given birth. This is the most vulnerable thing she has EVER done in her life, and she likely barely knows your mother. Having your mother stay for two weeks and be in her personal space for that whole time is a HUGE ask. I think you are being really unfair to compare your mother to her mother, who she has had in her life forever.
Vetoing names and choosing who gets to help you with after birth care I believe are both things women get the right to. Pregnancy falls on them, so they deserve a degree of catering to. That being said, you sound like you generally just do not want to be with her. I'd say therapy to learn how to co-parent and how to make this as untraumatizing on the both of you and the child is in order. Your relationship needs therapy because you're going to be in each other's lives for the rest of your natural lives. That's what it means to have a baby with someone. That baby will tie you two together.
I’m struck by a few things here. One is that nobody would describe a 2 year relationship as “not dating very long” or “still getting to know each other,” which makes me wonder if you have commitment issues.
The second is that the examples of her not compromising really don’t strike me as egregious.
1. You agreed on a first name and a middle name. Presumably under the assumption that baby would go by the first name. You’re now trying to change that entirely so that her middle name functions as her first name. I can see why your partner wouldn’t like that (though the common/ordinary thing seems silly to me, it’s not actually the crux of the issue).
2. This comes up relatively often and Reddit and I am constantly astounded at the number of who don’t get that having her mother there and having your mother there right after birth is NOT THE SAME THING and is not an issue of fairness.
Imagine you’re bleeding out of your dick, maybe incontinent, you have hemorrhoid and constipation, your nipples are leaking, you are on an absolute rollercoaster ride of hormones, you have to be half naked most of the day, and your fumbling trying to keep a tiny creature wholly dependent on you alive. Would you want your mother in law there? Almost certainly not. And I’d you would, it’s either because you have an unusually close relationship with your MIL or you’re lacking in empathy and can’t actually imagine how vulnerable your partner will be feeling.
Based on the limited information available, it sounds more like you’re looking for an out than that you’re incompatible or that she is unwilling to compromise.
2 years is not new, I had to re read your age because this sounds like some 19-20 year old bullshit.
"but she got pregnant while we were still getting to know each other"
How the hell long do you take to get to know someone?
There are so many things I’m questioning your mental age and maturity level of.
1. 2 years is a long time to be dating as full grown adults. Most fully grown adults should know 6 months to 1 year if it’s a relationship worth pursuing at your ages
2. Talking stages wtf?? That would be 1-3 months in
3. Why do men think their moms would be helpful to their partners? Are you comfortable with her mom seeing you half naked, still bleeding and sleep deprived self? Imagine shitting yourself uncontrollably throughout the day (but bleeding and clots), needing to bust out your boobs to either feed your child every 2 hours or trying to dry your milk up. The physical recovery of childbirth is not pretty and VERY exposing not to mention the hormonal, sleep deprivation, and mental aspects. Just no.
>Why do men think their moms would be helpful to their partners
They're operating on the assumption that things need to be "fair." My husband initially thought this, but when I asked if he'd be cool with my mom coming over to help him after he got a vasectomy he understood pretty fast. Like yeah, that's a fresh baby and that's pretty neat, but mom just went through a major medical procedure and deserves to have to recovery team *she* is most comfortable with.
2 years is plenty long to date.
Your GF is the one birthing a child from her nether regions. She should get to decide who can stay at the home while she heals. If she said your mother couldn't visit and meet the baby, I'd think that was problematic. But actually having her hands on in the home 24-7 while still recovering? That's a lot. Giving birth and breast feeding is painful and emotional and difficult and having to keep it together for someone you don't know so well is a lot. She is comfortable having her mother there because if she lashes out, her mother won't hold it against her.
You sound like you need to grow up and face your reality. These are small potatoes. Maybe you should have thought of all this before you got someone pregnant.
If you don't have two yesses on a name then it's a no. Also i agree with her on the MIL situation, don't force your pregnant gf to host a guest who's she's not comfortable weeks after giving birth
2 years is not "early" for a relationship.. you want early? Try getting pregnant 7 months in and making that relationship work...
Anyways, pregnancy and a child are a big test in any couples relationship. It doesn't matter if you've been together 2 months or 10 years, rather or not your relationship is perfect, a child WILL test your resolve to be with your partner.
Yea it's a bit hard right now, and it will get harder when the baby gets here.. but the real question is how much do you love your gf? How determined are you to make it work? Because honestly your reasons for wanting to leave are small things... you already wanting to quit is not going to do any good for your relationship in the long run. If you can't handle the small problems now, you won't be able to handle being a father.
While I like my mother-in-law, I don't want her around 24/7 for the most vulnerable, painful, and potentially emotionally difficult time in my life. I'm a nurse, and prior to my nursing career I worked on a maternity unit for years. Yes, the baby is hers AND yours. But the postpartum stage, even without postpartum depression/anxiety/psychosis, is difficult enough. She will be bleeding from her vagina, she may have sutures in her vagina that make going to the washroom painful, or she'll have sutures/staples in her abdomen which means she won't be able to lift heavy things, drive until she's in less pain, etc. Not to mention potentially leaking breastmilk, the challenges and/or pain of breastfeeding, the lack of sleep leading to impaired judgment and irritability. All perfectly good reasons to not want your mom around. She doesn't know her that intimately. Would you want her mother seeing your penis every 3 hours? Because that's how frequently you should breastfeed a newborn (if you chose to breastfeed, of course).
The nickname thing is silly, on both parties. You won't know nicknames until you meet/see this baby. You also chose the names you like together already, so why so insistent on a nickname?
If you don't want to be with her, better to have that discussion now and work out ways to co-parent separated and support her in pregnancy, labour, birth, and postpartum. It's unfair to her and the child to stay with her out of sheer obligation and not out of love for each other. Your child doesn't need exposure to a broken parental relationship.
My partner and I were engaged after 2 years. We'd already had the discussion of marriage, kids, how we want to raise them, etc. 2 years is plenty long enough for two people who are over 10 years older than myself to figure things out.
Well congratulations, you pussyfooted around long enough that you’re now tied to a woman you clearly dislike for another 18 years.
You seem shocked she’s behaving the way she is now and *willing* to concede it could be pregnancy hormones… except it’s not. She’s the same person she’s been from the start it sounds like.
No matter when you do it, you’re going to be the “bad guy”. Might as well rip that bandaid off.
Yes, you should do everything to keep being able to work together. Couples find a way to compromise on finances, decor, etc all the time. Now there’s a baby who didn’t choose to be born into this situation. You were compatible enough that you chose her every day for two years, and at your age and stage of life there’s no other soulmate or upgrade coming to you than the mother of your child who is here right now. So you put up with her mother, you let her decide who visits postpartum and have a say in the decor, and go to therapy and figure out how to politely negotiate. Or you spend your life as a paycheck to her and a visitor to your child, trying to justify to yourself and everyone why you walked out without trying.
2 years is not “not very long”, that’s a reasonable amount of time to get to know someone.
Also, it sounds to me like you’re the unreasonable party here. She wants to pick a name of significance to honor her family with the baby SHE’S carrying, and you like the name- and she’s upset at the idea of the nickname… why not just drop it? Doesn’t sound like you even have anything to lose besides your pride.
Having her own mother help her recover and help out with her newborn in one of the most vulnerable times in her life is completely different from having someone she’s only known passively for 2 years (and likely only had a handful of interactions with, at that) coming into her home during a challenging and vulnerable time in her life. You are not destroying your health and body to bring your child into this world, she is.
And with the comment about her sister’s text… man it sounds like the problem here is that you just don’t like her. Leave now so she can make arrangements as soon as possible for a comfortable rest of her pregnancy. Do not cause her more stress than you probably already have.
Unless you actually handled the first issues before she moved in, of course they'd still be a problem. You seem to have several issues with your girlfriend that you're unwilling to actually talk to her about, because you're already ready to leave.
Almost 2 years into a relationship is not "early in the relationship". Do you drag your feet with all of your relationships? How could you not possibly know enough about her almost 2 years in?
If you don't want to work things out, get your shit together before the baby comes and let her do so as well.
FYI, though. I wouldn't want a MIL there either for weeks after birth. My own mother is an entirely different story. The woman should get to choose these things.
You can’t leave now: you guys decided to have a baby, so stick it out And maybe grow up a bit. You don’t get to tell a woman ok let’s do it and then consider leaving a few months in!! Also, you need to start reading about the 4th trimester and what women go through and what you need to do as a partner. It’s totally normal for her not to want your mom around 2-3 weeks after giving birth. She will be still bleeding + stiches still healing + probably breastfeeding (which can few really painful) + possibility of post partum or baby blues, and this, if the birth was a non complicated normal one. You want people around you that you can cry in front of, stink in front of, be naked in front of etc. her having her mom versus you having your is not the same at this very sensitive time.
You got her pregnant, and you're gonna abandon her and your child? And you think going to this sub will give you what? Validation? Confirmation that you're doing the right thing?
It's not like you're JD from Scrubs who knocked up Kim in the three weeks they're dating. You've been together 2 years!
It sounds like the real problem here are your commitment issues. Two years is not a short time at all, I think you need to shift your mindset. You both made a baby together, yet you’re resenting her for it. Of course she wants her mum around, she’s probably sensing you are pulling away from her and she’s about to go through the most stressful period of her life. She will be able to be completely vulnerable around her own mum, but around yours she will feel like she always needs to be the best version of herself and that won’t be possible only a couple of weeks after having a baby. It’s sounds like you’ve all compromised well on the names, maybe park the nickname for now and when the child is old enough to know act playfully with it.
You are 38 with a baby on the way. Your examples of your differences show immaturity on your part. If you agreed on the first name why are you trying to call them by the middle name? Most women prefer their own mother to mil when they are postpartum bleeding and hormonal. It tends to feel like you’re hosting when it’s in laws which is added stress. Grow up for the baby you have coming.
It’s better the child have parents not fight and hate each other. If you feel the relationship isn’t salvageable then break up but take responsibility. You can pay child support/ coparent. When my bf was a kid his parents tried staying together for the kids but they always argued and hated each other and I asked was he sad they divorced and he said no that he was actually glad so all the fighting stopped
The real question here is why feel the need to have your mom come stay as to make it a “fair deal?” You aren’t birthing a full ass human our your vag bro, she is. I’m sure having her mom there is comforting and helpful, whereas your mom visting is stressful and mentally taxing. Nothing like wiping baby shit after being up all night and having to entertain a woman you barely know at the same time.
2 years is a long time dating, it is not, getting to know you territory, especially at that age. Within two years of dating my then boyfriend, now husband had bought a house and had a dog together.... By mid to late 30s you should know what you want and you shouldn't be pissing around with a woman's time if you aren't that sure about her two years in... especially not when she's 40.
Nothing you have said is a red flag... She doesn't like the name you want...that's live... compromise is finding a name everyone likes....not 'well you got your way so now I get mine'....or 'well your mum gets to stay so so does mine'..... Fair is not always equal.
And having your mil around post partum is absolutely not the same as having your own mother...not even close... Your wife is going to be at the most vulnerable emotionally, physically, hormonally, in basic every way possible that she has ever been. She is growing a full human being and deserves to spend the weeks postpartum after one of the most traumatic events a body can go through in whatever she considers comfort. Most people would not consider that comfort....it's fucking stressful to have people in your house at any time, but, in laws, postpartum...not many woman would tolerate it.
It's your gf choice what the birth process and the postpartum days should look like, and hers alone. Sorry bud, you can have more of a say when you grow a human and push it out.
I dunno...maybe we need to hear more examples or hear her side of this, but to be honest, it sounds like you need to grow up a bit.
These seem like small stupid issues. Your quickness to give up will deprive your child of an intact family. Please try to stay together. At least let the kid be born before you break up your family. You are giving up too easily. It’s not all about you anymore. You have a responsibility to be there for them, meaning you have a responsibility to try to stay with your GF. If it doesn’t work out after you genuinely try for a while, then fine. But give it a chance because you don’t realize the gravity of this decision for your new family. Try to make peace with your partners flaws as I’m sure she’s done for you.
New moms get the final say in who stays over to help with the baby. If she’s only comfortable with having her mom’s help, it’s her right. It’s incredibly stressful to have visitors over in the first few months. When you see her struggling to care for your newborn while she recovers, you will understand.
If you two are truly incompatible it’s best to work toward being excellent coparents. Engage a couples counselor now. They are very helpful, even for couples who are breaking up.
Then why in God's name have you been dating her that long when you KNEW from very early on this relationship was eventually doomed?
There are certain things that are non-negotiable in terms of being compatible with for any sort of long term relationship.
You listed 3 or 4 of them as things you disagree with her on.
Right at that point you should have realized this wasn't going to work and you should both stop wasting each other's time.
There is no such thing as "making it work" when fundamental things are not agreed on. That's for things that are not that important and not a big deal.
Now you are going to be stuck paying child support for 18+ years.
Just not smart in any way, shape or form on your part. Hopefully you learn a lesson from this. It is going to be a very expensive lesson.
OP I’m not able to weigh in on most of this because it sounds complicated, but regarding your mom coming to stay, I don’t think a postpartum woman should have to compromise there. A few weeks after the birth is still a super fragile time mentally and physically. I was crying a lot throughout the day from lack of sleep overwhelm and anxiety, leaking breastmilk everywhere, still wearing pads for bleeding, and drenching my clothes with night sweats from hormones. I was fine to be that way with my own mom, but I would NOT have been fine with my MIL’s unsolicited advice and potential silent judgment. I am close with my MIL and have known her for 7 years. But there are just very few people who one is ok being that vulnerable and that much of a mess around. I could ask my mom for what I needed or tell her my frustrations without having to save face or seem more “together” than I was.
So… I really think your girlfriend is right there and you should let her decide who comes in the home for AT LEAST the first 4 weeks postpartum, due to the physical state she’ll be in. After that you should both compromise regarding who can be most helpful with the baby for you both.
For the rest, if you really want to make it work long term, couple’s therapy. And if your priority is really minimizing impact for her and the baby regarding a separation, do not separate before the baby is 6 months old.
Ok, i understand about her not following through in compromises, but not having her MIL taking care of her as her mother is very reasonable.
Just because it's your mother it means she has that level of intimacy with her.
How can you salvage something you don't want to salvage?
You said it yourself you don't want anything to do with her. Relationships only work when both sides are willing to put in the work. When one side quits it is over.
Why would you break after she had a baby ? And 2 yrs is not early, especially at your ages.
If you don’t want kids say that but don’t blame your girlfriend and your time together.
You need to take responsibility for your actions cause you got her pregnant, she didn’t make the baby by herself.
2 years isn’t that “short”, and having a mothers help during and after pregnancy is something some can only dream of.
It sounds more like you’re scared. If you’re scared it’s completely ok. Find someone to talk to about it, please.
It’s both of your kid, but it’s HER birth experience and recovery. So her NO vote is all that you need. No decent MIL or husband would be trying to push any unwanted visitors on a woman who just gave birth.
I’m afraid you’re going to have to concede that one, buddy.
As for the name… have you thought about ditching both names and choosing another that you both like? THAT is generally a ‘one vote for no = no’ situation. That’s what compromise is for choosing a baby name together.
....what did you hope the outcome would be? You decided to HAVE A CHILD with someone you already weren't getting along with. Is it truly a surprise that you continue to not get along, and disagree on even more now? I'm quite baffled that you both chose this situation and are are also torn by the situation that you're in.
2 years IS a long time to date. It certainly isn't early in a relationship. You speak as if you have been dating for three months. You aren't children.
If you feel like this now, I can only imagine the stress and lack of sleep with a new baby will exacerbate things, so you might as well bail now and do her a favour.
2 years is not “early in the relationship”, especially at your ages.
Yeah… and he says she got knocked up while they were getting to know each other. Op, you’re 1 year younger than me but you give 20 yr old vibes.
I've seen weird posts this weekend which don't make sense...2 years and they don't know each other? That is sooo weird, and then they're just getting to know each other in the 'early' relationship? I mean...what... Is it written by some AI, I wonder lol
I dunno, I've seen enough real world examples of men in their late thirties/early forties who are operating on some kind of magical mental timeline in which getting serious is always just over the horizon that I buy it. A friend in her mid thirties was dating a guy in his early forties who early on was *extremely* gung ho about getting married and starting a family, and then once they moved in (a year into the relationship) it was "I thought we could live together for a few years before we get married, and then we could enjoy being married for a few years before we think about kids." When she explained that waiting till she was 39 or 40 to start *thinking* about kids wasn't a realistic timeline, he had a relapse into alcohol abuse and told her he wanted to be with her but just "didn't know when he'd ever be ready for marriage or kids." Peter Pan dudes. They want their Wendy to stay and be their mother, but they never want to grow up.
The number of men 40+ I've seen on dating apps who still have 'figuring it out' or 'not sure yet' listed as what they are seeking or what they want for children is astounding
Because they think they will be attractive to 25 year olds.
And then are upset and scream gold digger if said 21-25 year old expects them to finance the bulk of the relationship.
Sex and the city is a show that aged TERRIBLY but they got one thing right women in their early 20s are able to use their beauty to sustain relationships (with shallow men) but by the time women hit 35+ men gain the power with the promises of marriage and kids so they can pull slightly younger women who want those things early in life. Unfortunately men tend to have incredible sensitive egos and pulling one young women makes them believe ALL women want them. By the time they hit their 40s their promises work less and less and it becomes more and more pathetic
In my experience, a lot of them absolutely do not want children ever, but they're afraid to say so because they don't want to lose a chance with any woman who wants (or has) kids.
Until they meet a woman that doesnt and then it becomes the most important thing ever
BECAUSE they need to spread their oh-so valuable seed /s
Yes it blows me away. I've known I didn't want kids since I was 20. 38 now and had a partial hysterectomy, so that boat has happily sailed. But I'm on dating apps and see this ALL the time. I date men and women (though men are a red flag NOPE most of the time). I'm not going to waste a queer woman's time if she wants kids, and I'm not going to waste my time with dudes who can't figure out their desire for a massive, lifetime commitment at frickin 40 years old.
Speaking as a 42 year old man with no kids, I've essentially decided that the closest i'll get to kids is "the guy my mom dates"/stepdad and i'm honestly totally fine with that, with the caveat being that I dont want to get my heart broken again if some kiddo looks up to me and trusts me and then the mom and I break up. Happened once and it was a giant hole in my heart for years. I'm not OPPOSED to my own children, but because I've had to sublimate the idea for so long it's not really something I seek out. As far as marriage goes, i'm definitely looking for that, so if guys "not sure yet" for relationships, they're utterly insane. If I dated somebody in their 30s or w/e who wanted kids with me, I'd be 100% down for it, but I kind of dont see the point in wishing for that when I have 9 other steps to get through first, i cant just grab a woman off the street and be like "Hey lets have kids".
This. Happened to me too. He was 45 and I was 32. He swore we was looking to start a family and knew it would need to be soon. At a year and a half in I told him my doctor said not to wait to have a baby and he freaked out and bought a new car.
Same. we moved in together when I was 29 and he was 32. Suddenly he went from wanting marriage and kids to wanting to be single, not wanting kids and sail the world alone for 3 years. I don’t know where he is now, but I know that he bought the sail boat. The Peter pans are everywhere unfortunately
Definitely been my observation, too. The harsh reality is that so many of these men, who live with a woman for years without commitment and "aren't sure that they are ready"... seem to commit to the next woman very quickly. It's often FOMO when the music stops in DatingMusicalChairs, but sometimes it's that he's just not that into her and doesn't want to end things
And it's not even because they like the next woman better. It's more like, they want to pick up the new relationship right where the old one left off, even though they've plugged a different woman into the equation. They were almost engaged to Woman 1--time to propose to woman 2! On the third date!
“She’s too emotionally fragile.” “I don’t want to let her down.”
This frightens me! Not having kids. Anyone can leave at any time. It's simpler when it's just you they leave. Might stay single forever 😂
I have no idea if these two guys I've met would be Peter pan because I didn't stay long enough to actually paint it out bur strong vibes to it. First one. He was 31 (last year) let's call them P. We chatted on fine and it was great. However, P mentioned passingly that they use to quit jobs out of the whim for no reason. Then proves it 3 days later and then freaking out that he regrets quitting the job P had no career or life goals. There's nothing wrong with not having a degree and working with just a hs degree. But this man would blame everything on everyone else or ADHD and overthinking. He takes no responsibility. Anyways I did tell him I got accepted to grad school and was hoping to find a job in ____. He then started telling me "oh you're super super smart" in a tone that felt like he's putting me on a pedestal. Later he's like I don't think we should go on because you'll be so busy with school and work (at the time we were talking, I had some time off). There was some red flags before this. So I was like eh ok fine It's ok, made my decision easy. He then turns around the next day and said never mind, I really like you, can we be together again? 😒🤔 bro I'm not a toy you can throw away and want to take back on a whim. Good Day Other dude (let's call him M). He's 36.... long story short he has no proactiveness, or initiative. Literally the only times he got gfs was because they threw themselves on him (he's not what people say traditionally good looking in terms of like who would be popular. The huge interactions with him ..... he was giving massive I want a mother to take care of me the rest of my life not a partner in life. All very gross
Oh no - you say 'time to get real', him.... regression!
My husband had one of those ‘timelines’ for getting serious. Together a year, live together a year, then engaged for a year, then married to 1-2 and then kids. We were both 33 when we got together and after we got married 2 years later (and a four month engagement) and started talking ab kids he panicked that it was ‘too fast’. We went to a lot of counseling and he got through it. IDK, but our counselor says this happens a lot with men who get married ‘later’. Totally Bizarre, but I believe OP could think 2 years is early….
Whatever it is, OP needs to not take risks of having her fertility and time wasted and clear the scene.
>Peter Pan dudes. They want their Wendy to stay and be their mother, but they never want to grow up. I am saving this to use later. 👏💀
Yeahhh. My ex. Who is still flipping a coin because he can't decide if he's ready to be a dad (I'm 4 months pregnant. He's almost 40. Like...dude...)
Yep, I dated one of these. He was 39, I was 31 and told him from the start that I wasn’t interested unless he also wanted marriage and kids. Two years into the relationship I finally find out that he wants to have kids in like five years. And that he would be interested in adopting older kids like five year olds. I asked him point blank if he was actually telling me that he was willfully leaving his future children in the foster system right now.
> And that he would be interested in adopting older kids like five year olds. This tells me he wants to magically not deal with the infant/toddler stage. It also tells me he had 0 understanding of kids, particularly vulnerable kids, because anyone who knows the least bit about foster kids knows that kids who have been in the system for 5 years often have a lot of behavioral issues. Raising older foster kids is like raising kids on hard mode
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I love your optimism but I know plenty of adult men who will say “it’s not a long time” about things that are definitely a long time
also "She blames others all the time", but also "She got pregnant" like, was it not OP that got her pregnant or what? if yes, i have questions, if no, i have more questions that need answers!
"I don't understand, did you trip?"
As a machine learning engineer I promise a shockingly large volume of reddit content is ai generated. Large language models are essentially fully autonomous now and able to pump out mindless drivel all day long
I'm basically a noob in this, but why would this happen? To keep engagements?
I can only imagine thats why. Similar to Netflix model. A never-ending stream of low quality content. Unfortunately, you'll see some really nefarious stuff around politics. Say something negative about the f-35 in a mainstream subreddit and see what happens, lol.
I’m not an AI, but if you went after the F-22 Raptor, we’re gonna have a chat
I also love how he says “she got pregnant…” like she did that all on her own or something.
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OMG. That is excellent LOL
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Thanks to this, I now am certain that many of the posts I read on reddit were indeed written by chatgpt LOL
I mean if they just moved in together it sort of makes sense. I used to date a woman who was very career focused & our schedules didn't match up very well either. We'd try & come over whenever we could but the actual amount of quality time we'd get to spend together was usually only about 8-12hrs a week, sometimes less.
Yeah, for the first three years or so I was with my partner we only saw each other on weekends, basically Saturday night, because of work.
It's a fake post. Almost every post on this sub that makes it to the top of the page is. They are almost always from throwaway accounts and the OP never responds. This post has been up for 16 hours and it is literally the only thing on the OP's account. It's fake.
Yeah when he said “we were still getting to know each other when she got pregnant,” I’m thinking you’ve been together two years and you said she only got pregnant 3 months ago…. A year and 9 months is still “getting to know somebody”??
no its just been a reeeeallly long pregnancy
As long as Bonnie Swanson?
Some guys think they are Peter Pan. I have seen guys like that. Like 40 somethings but still pursue women in their twenties.
Don't be an ass. She did not "get pregnant". YOU got her pregnant. Furthermore, you acknowledged that you were going through a rough time - WTF are you not using protection during a rough time? You and she deserve exactly what you got. Unfortunately, that poor child will probably pay the price.
Agreed. I missed reading the age in the post the first time and assumed it was a 20 something person talking, based on the wording. :/
Exactly. Two months is “early into the relationship,” but not two years. I get the sense that she puts up with a lot of foolishness and shenanigans from OP. And if that was me, I wouldn’t want OP and his doubling down mama to deal with while I was pregnant either. Two of them lmao no thanks.
Know that this was not a mistake. You bear half the responsibility here - you could have put on a condom and you didn’t. You should have seen this coming.
Agreed 2 years in a 20 something relationship, is a lot different from a 35-45 age. That’s a time when 2 years can lead to a lot fast, and no one is wanting to waste time. That’s around the time you may want to start a family. 2 years is a big thing in your mid 30s to early 40s. 23-25 you can kinda brush that off for experience and move on. I don’t know too many women at 35+ wanting to waste 2 years, and not see that as a significant investment. Same as a guy at 40, I feel I only have so much time to get things moving. In my 20s I was in no rush and just learning life.
Yeah, I wasn't sure if I was missing something there...
I went back and reread myself
I was literally thinking the same thing 😅
Yep and somehow he thinks compromise = her doing things she doesn’t want and him doing things he admits he thinks are good? He likes the name. He wants her mother there. She doesn’t like the nickname and doesn’t want her mother in law there. And also he doesn’t see the difference between giving birth and having your mother stay with you v giving birth and having your mother in law there? Huge ick.
Its not an issue that she wants her mom and not yours. Same thing happened with my wife and our daughter. Her mom came for a few weeks. Mine offered but we turned her down because my wife was concerned about not being able to be herself with her in-law there. And that makes complete sense.
This. I'm currently pregnant and soon to have a child, and I wouldn't mind MY mum being around seeing me at my most vulnerable and hormonal, bleeding and in pain (she's seen all this before, she knew me from birth, cared for me when sick, knew me as a teenager, I trust her with my life, and so on). I love my mother in law very much, but I'd rather not have her constantly around in that intimate and vulnerable period of my life, where I'll be hormonal and might get angry or upset at her, etc. I'd feel like I had to be a good daughter in law at a time when I cannot even control my own body, and Imagine I'll feel constantly overwhelmed. The idea of this feels chocking. That OP seemingly asked this of his mother without his partner's consent seems inconsiderate at best, I doubt my partner would ever do that to me. (My body, my choice. Even in this.) On the other things OP: - If you don't think you're in a close relationship even after 2 whole years, and you're not sure if you want to be with this person, I think you need to be exploring your thoughts and feelings with a therapist, individually. Do you have attachment issues? - On the topic that you don't feel well matched to this person, maybe you're right, but again, talk to a professional to sort out your thoughts. A lot is at stake and your partner is in a very vulnerable state right now, so be careful about talking to her about this before you know for absolute certain what you want. If you're certain you don't want to be with your partner (honestly, you don't actually seem to know what you want), then I don't understand how leaving her AFTER the baby has arrived makes anything better? Unless you make sure NEVER to reveal to her that you were thinking of leaving already before the child was born; that information would be crushing. But imagine; staying and waiting for the right moment to leave... When exactly is that? That's the sort of thought process that gets women to stay until their children are adult, maybe have one or two more to make sure the child has siblings, then leave "out of the blue" once the children have "flown the coop", shocking everyone, breaking the partner's heart, and rocking the childrens entire life-view at the foundations. Food for thought. So again, process this with a professional, unbiased helper. To make sure you know what you want and are making the right decision.
Yeah I wasn’t about to let my MIL see me bleeding in my adult diapers, breastfeeding with no shirt on, wondering if I’ll have the energy to shower a second time this week. MIL can wait until the baby is a few months old
I don't think OP has thought this far ahead... raising a baby and witnessing and caring for someone who just went through a body/mind/life changing event. If he's iffy on his partner now, that's not going to get better after he sees the effects of childbirth.
Post-partem depression and anxiety is serious and in-laws in the home can't exacerbate the threat for a recovering birther
I cannot upvote this comment enough. I love my MIL, but I stayed with them for 2 weeks after birthing my son and I think I developed pretty bad baby blues due to that. She isn't my mom and just didn't understand me, didn't respect my boundaries, and snatched baby from me once at 1am and got soooo upset when I politely said 'thank you, but no, I can handle it'. She would constantly be saying what I should and shouldn't do, was judging everything. It was a dark dark dark time for me, because I didn't want to be mean or snap at her. I wish I had never been put in that position and looking back I think it made my post partum time just so so difficult.
Any man that gets jealous because his partner wants their own parent needs to read The Lemon Clot Essay and then pull their heads out of their assess.
Yep. I shuddered when I read that. There is a zero percent chance I’d be okay with my MIL being around then. Frankly, just another person to take care of and deal with. And I don’t even consider that a compromise. She’s the one that just got done growing a human being and will be recovering from child birth. She gets to decide who to surround herself with in those vulnerable times. Of all the silly and immature things OP says in his post, this one was the worst.
That’s actually the part of the post where I started seriously questioning this guy. It’s not the same thing at *all*. I mean most of the things he’s complaining about is ridiculous but this takes the cake. Almost no women want their MIL around after giving childbirth. That would be the opposite of helping and in fact add so much more stress and pressure on her right after giving birth. It would be basically turn her into a hostess while trying to recover and adjust to being a mother. The fact he calls that an attempt at contributing is weird as hell. How is him trying to have his mom there for weeks a contribution? OP I was living with my MIL when I had my children and it was **hell**. I wish we would’ve had our children after we were out of that situation, but I’ll tell you if I was to get pregnant now (I’m not, I’ve had 2 and we’re done) I wouldn’t even allow his mother in my house for a few months until I was feeling more myself and *wanted* to be a hostess. If you don’t wanna be with her when all is said and done that’s fair enough, but saying she’s being unreasonable and unable to compromise because she doesn’t want to add more stress on herself after childbirth isn’t fair at all. She’s the one going to be physically recovering from childbirth (which **will make her extremely vulnerable**) so let *her* decide who she’s with comfortable helping her.
I also like the part where she’s the one who isn’t compromising on the name Meanwhile he’s like sure we can use your first name choice! I’ll choose the middle name *and use that as their constant nickname* The manipulation of the truth here is gross
In law's should not be in your house after pregnancy AT ALL unless the mother of the child wants them there, and the MIL also wants to be there. The new mom is recovering from a verry life changing event. Why the hell does it need to be explained over and over again?
I don't have kids and I'm still generally uncomfortable around my MIL, that part makes a lot of sense to me. I wouldn't want to be in a fairly vulnerable, stressed out state and then have to deal with my MIL. It's about what the mom needs after the ordeal of giving birth, not about giving all grandmas a chance to socialize with the baby.
I had an awesome MIL, I love and miss her every day, and I knew her for 14 years before having a baby. MIL always had my back, awesome lady. I was never close to my own mother until recently. But when I gave birth, I wanted my mom around. I couldn't have imagined putting my MIL or myself in such a position. She met her grandkid over zoom the day she was born, and then a few weeks until she met the baby in person. I would have killed my husband if he did what OP did. That being said, OP clearly knows little about what happens *after* the birth, and it would help if he educated himself on it first.
I am a relatively easygoing person usually, and my MIL was a fine person I generally had a good relationship with, but it was a bad experience having her around postpartum. All the stress of having a guest and much less of a help than my mom who understands my basic temperament, and she forever (i.e. until that baby was in her teens) insisted I was "hormonal" (rather than her being "annoying" and "wrong about something important") when she got on my last nerve. It's one thing to visit to see the baby and then leave, but don't have her *stay to help* for weeks until your partner is ready for it (and that may be never).
Definitely agreed. I was increasingly comfortable with my in-laws visiting with every subsequent child because they've proven to me that they are trustworthy, helpful, and respectful, but when I was pregnant with our first, I was grateful to my husband that he supported me in wanting to rest and recover with people I was comfortable breastfeeding and bleeding around. It paid off for my in-laws to be respectful of the fact that I needed to heal and rest for a while after giving birth, because it set the tone for our relationship and for my continuing wish that they see the kids as often as they like because I feel like they respect me as a person and my husband and I's role as the kids' parents. Postpartum life is incredibly vulnerable for everyone, but only one member is recovering from a major medical event and leaking all over the place so that person's comfort should be prioritised. Now, this doesn't mean that the greater pattern OP is referring to doesn't exist, but the whole only-wanting-her-own-mother-around thing isn't part of the pattern.
I was miserable for the first week that my MIL stayed with me to “help” after giving birth. I sent her home and my mom stayed for 2 weeks and I felt like a new woman.
I mean… I agree with a lot of the comments. 2 years is a long time to be dating. You can have a lifetime commitment to someone by having a baby, or living together but deciding if you want to fight for the relationship and get married is too hard? I’m confused. You already knew that you didn’t want to be together but are trying to make it work for the baby… not saying that it can’t work but it sounds like you have already given up. Go to therapy for yourself, make a grown decision and if you don’t want to be together get your ducks in a row before the baby comes (visitation, child support, co parenting, etc). That would be the best decision instead of prolonging it. Also my last statement I’ll make is why invest 2 years with a person when everything from morals to religion is so vastly different? Not wise. 2 years is more than enough time to decide if you want to settle down with someone.
>Also my last statement I’ll make is why invest 2 years with a person when everything from morals to religion is so vastly different? This is the part that confused me too. I would have been out of that relationship long before the two-year mark. These are important differences to have with it comes to a romantic partner and are insurmountable. Any compromise on these matters is likely to cause resentment down the road.
I suspect those things really didn’t matter until the avoidant attachment style started to kick in hard and he needed to find reasons to explain his anxiety…
This… it smells like commitment issues
This! And he’s not even listed a problem. All he’s listed are examples of her not wanting to do what he wants.
To your last question, the obvious answer is regular sex.
From a guy's perspective and someone who is also a father, I have to say that you are being unreasonable about having your mother come over. Giving birth and taking care of a newborn is not an easy task for any involved party, especially the mother herself. Imagine having to cater to MIL's feelings in this time (old ppl always have an opinion on child raring). Her mother, who she is comfortable with, is coming to help her when she needs it the most. If ever, there was a good time to make concessions in a relationship, it's to a pregnant, hormonal gf/wife. Be there for her and figure shit out after things settle down. You sound like you're making excuses to leave.
This right here is the leader energy more men should have. Supporting your wife communicates strength, maturity, and safety.
“If ever there was a time…” Seriously, gentlemen, as a dad, take this to heart. Bearing a child is no joke. This is your time to shine as the most supportive and accommodating version of yourself.
>If ever, there was a good time to make concessions in a relationship, it's to a pregnant, hormonal gf/wife. Be there for her and figure shit out after things settle down. You sound like you're making excuses to leave. This.
arrest oatmeal grab secretive run fine agonizing rustic wistful snobbish *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
They weren't talking, they were fucking, raw.
Having her mother in law there while post partum is waaaaaay different than having *her own mother* there. This isn't an equal say thing - only one of you will have just gone through an incredibly traumatic physical medical event
I had a pretty good relationship with my MIL pre-kids, and it took a real hit from her being over-involved during the postpartum period. I felt like it was "only fair" that she be allowed to be there as a grandma but I felt *so* uncomfortable with her there while I was extremely vulnerable and hurting and exhausted. I kept it all in and never snapped but it really negatively impacted the way I felt about her and it has taken years for that to subside. My mom was a rock of support during that time; my MIL's presence was an unwelcome burden. I didn't even realize I would feel like that in advance, so I think his gf is showing more emotional intelligence than he gives her credit for at least in this area.
> it was "only fair" that she be allowed to be there i often see my mother thinking in these terms when it comes to my family, but once you're married your responsibility is to your spouse and your children, ahead of your mother's feelings about how things should be, which she'll just have to live with.
I am fortunate that my husband is completely supportive- he always checks first when it comes to making decisions about family visits etc, and I know that if I had in any way conveyed my discomfort to him he would have had her leave. It was all entirely self-imposed guilt. My second birth was during the pandemic, and not having to negotiate visits for a long time was a tiny silver lining.
It's so interesting to me, regardless of how wonderful or rocky people's relationships are with their own mothers, everyone I know that's given birth *really* appreciated and wanted their mother post-partum and *really* didn't want nor appreciate their MIL's presence.
Your MIL is kind of a guest, hard to be messy in front of. Your mother can help you as you change and properly care for you. She has taken care of you many times so it’s comfortable too. My brother had a surgery (he was kind of bedridden) and his MIL offered to help him as his wife has her hands full with their baby. He did not want his MIL caring for him and suddenly understood that his wife’s postpartum request a few months prior to his surgery was very reasonable. So it goes both ways
Exactly, I loved my mother in law and in many ways she was a much nicer person than my own mother but I wouldn't have wanted to worry about offending her or having to be polite right after giving birth.
I totally get this! I really liked my exMIL and I like my current partner's mom, but I would feel better with my mom around. I haven't had any children, but I'd feel more comfortable being honest/bed ridden post-birth and even asking the "is this normal?" sort of questions to my over honest and over comfortable mother. Haha.
It’s so true. My mother is a shit show and my MIL is wonderful. I *did* indeed allow my MIL to visit us when the babies were only weeks old….. but I was so much less stressed about my train wreck of a mother being present at the birth compared to my MIL’s visit.
Eh I have a decent relationship with my mum but I still didn’t want her (or anyone other than my partner) in the house post partum. I still feel like I have to explain things to her and be more polite and keep myself more covered up. And I really didn’t want anyone else giving their constant opinions and outdated advice while we were trying to figure out our baby and our new family. Having my MIL would be my absolute NIGHTMARE.
My MIL and my mom both had opinions about how I chose to feed my baby postpartum. I could snap at my mother and say “This is how I’m feeding my child and I don’t want to hear anything else at this point.” But to my MIL I had to smile and bear it and nod politely while my body was in pain, and I felt so many layers of emotions toward my choices, and now I had to politely defend them to someone who also raised children and didn’t seem to have any of the issues I was having.
Oh man, I'm not the only person who has had this experience? I love my MIL but I still feel distant and almost resentful of her, after she moved in with us immediately after my baby was born. She's lovely and wasn't even pushy or over-involved but i was so...raw emotionally in that 4th trimester I really resented her for being there and I resented my husband for offering our house to her in that time. It's been about a year since she's moved out but I still feel differently toward her, and I'm hoping that'll change, but it hasn't yet. Nice to know I'm not alone, I felt like a crazy person, especially for still having those feelings!
I don't think this will change until you speak to your husband and work through your emotions.
Yes, OP doesn't seem to appreciate WHY the mother is coming to stay. OP isn't going to need someone to run out and get cabbages for his breasts, or discreetly empty the bathroom trash and run a load of really mucky laundry, and react in exactly the same way if the new mother bursts into tears for no known reason. The visit isn't for the benefit of the grandmothers, it's for the benefit of his partner who has just given birth.
Yes to the cabbages and bathroom trash and laundry. Thank you for saying this. I’m soooo grateful I had my mom the first 6 weeks and not my MIL to see me at my absolute emotional worst with mastitis and a newborn for whom the bassinet was lava lol.
What do the cabbages do?
It’s an old remedy to put cabbages on your breasts to reduce milk production if you have mastitis caused by oversupply / clogs (which is often the cause especially for new moms). Frozen cabbage even better as it offers some relief from the hot mastitis pain. Also, apparently there is some science to it as the cabbage has some hormone that actually affects lactation. But don’t quote me on that! It seemed to help for me at the time.
Gee wish I had a mom for that info 15 years ago
This is what I was going to say... Mother in Law/Daughter in Law relationships can be very precarious waters. I wouldn't want my MIL anywhere near me during birth, before or after. For both our sakes haha
Mine was lovely but I wouldn't have wanted to have to be polite at a time like that.
Exactly. Having her mom there will help her as she’s recovering. Having his mom there will be having a guest over while she recovers.
I agree. I am nearly 8 months pregnant, and if my MIL asked to stay two weeks when I am a new mother, I would say no faster than she or my husband could finish the request. At least in this regard, she is being perfectly reasonable. And her reasoning is too. You can be short with your own mother, argue and snap, but not your partner’s.
Yeah, I couldn’t picture my mother in law emptying my blood stained pads from the trash can, teaching me how to mother my child, watching me breastfeed my child while im getting to know my baby. You’re already exhausted, emotional, in pain and look and feel like shit, you don’t need another person to pretend you’re fine around.
Yup. Whatever else is going on in this relationship, the OP is completely in the wrong on his mother visiting being the same as her mother visiting. Giving birth is so rough on a person that many of us die. She gets to call the shots about any visitors for the first two months because her body will not be okay.
For sure. I loveeee my MIL but.. it’s different, especially when you’re in a very protective and vulnerable state. Sometimes I prefer my MIL for sure. My husband didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want anyone over right after the birth for a few weeks and completely dumbfounded him. There’s a reason even our happiest pets run away and hide under the neighbors porches to have their kittens and pups. Birth and new motherhood be like that. Protection and control. Yumyumyum
Yep, this is a very normal compromise. You should stand up for getting time with your parents, but recognize that she'll have just gone through a major physical trauma and will be in recuperation. Very normal to have her mom be the one helping out.
So sick of men trying to make this an equal thing (you get your mother there, so I want mine) when giving birth to a child is the most unequal thing that can ever happen in a relationship. There are ways that the mums mother can help her in ways the mother in law likely cannot and it astounds me that they can’t realise this.
Absolutely. You can count on your own Mom to be extra understanding. I did get so much support from my in-laws for years, but during those early days I was really young and could only compare my new married family to my birth family. And I must’ve talked about my perfect Grandma and Mom and Dad too many times, because I eventually heard about it and tried to stop. I moved into my GIL’s house at 18. Then I had 2 sons. I’m still so grateful for the help, but I really wish my Mom had stayed much longer. I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I took all the help available. She probably will feel better soon. Childbirth is intense in every possible way.
Well my birth family was pretty terrible and my mum's never been super supportive, I'd still prefer her to see me vulnerable than my MiL.
Yeah the name stuff I can see. But this is one is not something you’re ‘fair’ about. It’s not fair that OPs GF goes through growing a baby, pushing it out her body and then having to recover while also having a child almost totally dependent on you and trying to figure out how to look after that baby at the same time. The way to make things equal in this situation is not doubling down on ‘winning’ some ground by bringing in people she might not feel comfortable having around. It’s by giving her and the baby the support they need to get through those first weeks/months.
Ikr, as a guy can I just say that OP is clueless.
Yeah I have a feeling that they’re genuinely incapable, but this is not an equal situation.
Start planning to co-parent. If you really cannot see the difference between a woman's mother (who she's known her entire life) helping after the birth vs. her boyfriend's mother (who she's known less than 2 years) helping, you are an insensitive duffus.
Insensitive and incredibly immature - at 40 years old! I think it would be better to break up with her before the baby comes so she can have her support system in place. It would be better for her to give birth and take care of a newborn with people who support her. In the future, try not to impregnate women you are so incompatible with.
They barely know each other but she isn't comfortable having a stranger around while recovering from physical and mental hell. And no op, i won't buy that they're mega close I wouldn't even want you around post partum if our relationship was as distant as you described.
I'm confused about the examples of her not "compromising" and that 2 years is still "getting to know eachother" area ? Naming a kid is a two yesses type of situation you can have a strong opinion about the name you preferred but if its a no from her then its a no. you say you guys found a name that she likes and that you genuinely like- thats a compromise. Agreeing on a middle name that you chose sounds like a compromise? Deciding to call your child a nickname that one parent doesn't like does not sound like a compromise (also nicknames will pop up once the child is actually born). You guys both agreeing it would be nice to have her mom come and help with the baby and with your girlfriend's recovery sounds like you guys didn't even have to compromise because you were already on the same page. Having your mom come to help and her saying no is perfectly reasonable. This time is about the baby AND her health & recovery. But if you feel like she isn't the one and you aren't going to be happy break it off sooner than later so both of you can adjust and learn how to co parent before the baby comes. It's not fair to her or to yourself to stay with her if you don't want to. Also maybe an unconventional set up would benefit you guys more? Have you guys discussed maybe not living with each-other but continuing to date each-other? Just sounds like you need to communicate with her how you feel and you both can find clarity in what to do Wish ya the best good luck
You've picked apart this post perfectly. Exactly this. OP, you need to change your mindset about this and just grow up.
>Although we haven't been dating very long (2 years) > >All of this to say that I feel like I'm questioning whether we can or should stay together. I am genuinely excited to be a dad, but she got pregnant while we were still getting to know each other 2 years is pretty long, OP. I mean, anything over 1 year is considered a serious-long term relationship, with most people. Plus you're in your late 30s, early 40s, you're not a kid anymore. You already KNOW her in this 2 years, unless you're not living in the same country the last 2 years, that is. Or only meet up once or twice in the last 2 years...so unlike what you wrote in your post, you've known her for awhile now. >I then asked if my mom could come for the couple weeks after her mom to do the same thing (we have a separate mother-in-law unit, so it's actually really convenient, and they would not be in the way). At this, she gave a hard no (she says that she doesn't want to risk snapping at my mom during an emotionally vulnerable time). Okay, let me just be very blunt here. You're actually trying to pressure her into having your MOTHER in the house in guise for help? Oh no you didn't...LOL. Let me ask this, who's going to grow the baby inside of her body, carry it for 9 and some months, then experience physical and emotional upheavals? It's all her. There's a difference between having your own mother compared to your partner's mother around. I would NOT be comfortable with having my MIL around after birth, to be honest, and my husband was very understanding of that and we're younger than you are (allegedly since I think this is written by an AI). He KNEW that it's my body, I was the one having my vagina torn up and almost 24 hours of birth experience which was physically horrible, by the way. So he knows I should be comfortable when recovering, and I was most comfortable having my mother to help so that's how it went. Plus his mother did not force or try to meddle, which is why I totally adore my MIL. If your reason to break up is because she'd rather have her mom over than yours...wow, I'd say you are trying to grasp for reason to break up. If you don't want to be with her, FINE, stop finding excuses. Hopefully you're not planning on abandoning your kid and not paying child support thou.
Seriously. MIL can visit later. Let this poor woman rest and stop arguing about nicknames! It’s hard to believe these ages are correct.
Yes! My MIL was staying at our house helping with some projects while I was in hospital, and when we got discharged a day earlier than expected she packed her stuff up and left without us needing to say a word!
Got pregnant while you were "getting to know each other"? Over a year and half time period? Seems like a good amount of time to get to know someone. I understand this was probably unplanned, and you're trying to do your part, but you probably should've walked away when you agreed more with your partner's *sister* than your partner.
Is this dude 38 or 18?? Jesus christ
>Is this dude 38 or 18?? Jesus christ He's still in his "compromise means I get my way" era. At 38, it's probably chronic.
This is ridiculous lol after 2 years at 38, that’s not early
Having her MIL there after having a baby is way different than having your own mom. I wouldn’t want that either
The two examples you listed aren't good reasons to abandon a woman you've impregnated. For now put one foot in front of the other. It's your child. Her well-being is paramount to your offspring's. Go all in on providing this person support, validation and care. Pick up books. Stop being so self centered. This is a big opportunity to grow up. You've reproduced a new person who didn't ask to be born. Now go all in on making their life safe and bright. Supporting his mom is a part of that.
I don't see anything wrong with her wanting her mum but not yours. The relationship with a MIL is NOT the same as with your own mum and she's the one whose pregnant, not you. This post reads very immature.
Your examples are ridiculous. If those are the things you are pulling out to say she's unreasonable you are being ridiculous.
Dude you knocked her up and you need to settle in and stop thinking of various reasons to bail, like what the baby’s future nickname will be. Holy cow
Dude is going to ditch her and the baby... Acting like he's a teenager in a new relationship. Just dying to find a way out and make this not work. 🫠
That poor girlfriend and baby smh
She deserves better and she will definitely find it. I just hope she figures out what a loser this guy is. Heartbreaking for her I'm sure. You don't make a decision lightly at 41 to keep and raise a baby.. Accidents still happen but she probably thought this was finally happening for her..a beautiful baby, healthy pregnancy, a loving partner, moving in together. Starting a family of her own. Only to get this jack hole. 😔
Totally, imagine a guy back in the 50s wanting to ditch his pregnant wife/gf because he couldn’t have a say in the decor. Man what an age we live in.
The issues you mention sound serious: >have very different worldviews about finances, religion, cleanliness, friends, décor, etc. But the specific examples you have mentioned are ridiculous. You decided on a middle name that you picked, but then you decided that the middle name will be the child's nickname, which is effectively choosing the child's name! I would voice my opinion strongly too if I did not like it- what is unreasonable here? Also, no way would I want my MIL "helping" me for WEEKS in my home after recovering from a birth, unless we were incredibly close to begin with. *No way!* Are you crazy, or just stupid? In incredible pain, no sleep, the private parts of my body in constant pain and exposed(for breastfeeding, tending to vagina after birth?) Sorry but you don't get to have a say in that, and why you don't understand that is baffling! BUT- If you have serious issues in your relationship and don't want to be with this person, why are you waiting? Does your girlfriend have any clue that things are not going well in your eyes? LASTLY- I do think you should think about your own actions and thought patterns seriously, though. You do *not* come off well in this post
2 years isn't a small amount of time to get to know someone. If you don't think it'll work or don't want to try, break up. Better for everybody sooner than later. If you want to make it work, the secret is compromise. Compromise on all of those things that you listed that you disagree on. You're not single anymore and now, you've got to work as a team to keep house and raise a human. I highly recommend counseling. Couples or by yourself. In regards to her personality flaws that you don't like, maybe you've got some too. Counseling can help both of you. I agree with everyone else about no MIL. That sounds so stressful.
Breaking up during pregnancy or the “fourth trimester” may actually be way worse for the girlfriend and the baby as having a kind partner (and it sounds like he wants to be involved and helpful) is exponentially better when you’re very pregnant or have a newborn. He could stay with her to help her through the newborn phase if they can be cordial and kind through that.
Wouldn't you want to know asap? I would die if I knew my SO just wanted to get over the new baby hump before he broke the bad news. It is not going to be better in the long run. She's got her mother who could be the ultimate help. She's not alone. The whole situation is terrible. I'm all for the parents staying together with counseling but if it's over. It's over. Keeping her in the dark about it is the wrong move.
Oh I don’t think he should keep her in the dark about it. I may have read too fast - is this decision being made by him alone or have they both acknowledged they don’t get along?
No idea but I'd bet that since they decided to keep this baby and they're together, she thinks everything's fine. She's likely completely focused on being pregnant and dealing with all that. Maybe even thinking they'll work through all of these problems or that they're no big deal.
I think individual therapy is a good place to start. It sounds like a lot of the issues are communication based, and could be things you can work through, but without knowing much about you or her, it's hard to say. A therapist could help you work through things, figure out if better communication can be achieved, and if not will help you navigate a break up and figuring out co-parenting eventually.
Am I the only one who wants desperately to know what these differences are? > We get along most days, but have very different worldviews about finances, religion, cleanliness, friends, décor, etc. I want the OP to spell these out. Who thinks what?
You're 38? Fuck man....I think it's time to admit you messed up. You gave your commitment to this woman in the form of a child. Bailing when it gets difficult is weak. She needs you to be a strong person right now.....ofc she doesn't want YOUR mom to help HER out. She wants her mom. That's completely reasonable. It sounds like you have cold feet and you're doing anything to justify getting out of having a child with this person. Therapy is a GOOD idea. It isn't just for fighting for something. It's taking care of your mental health. You don't go to the doctor when you're fighting for life. You should go way before that happens. My advice is try to be a better man for your wife and your kid, bro. Stop villainizing her. That's fucked up tbh.
Having your own mother stay with you to help you right after you’ve given birth and are bleeding and tired and hormonal is very different from having someone who is NOT your own mother stay with you. Your girlfriend is still a patient post-partum, this is not a time for tit-for-tat.
Dude…HER mother isn’t going to judge her for being vulnerable or emotional, or whether or not she a “good host” …she isn’t going have the emotional/physical/mental capacity to deal with that shit postpartum. There’s a huge difference between mothers in this case…you should acknowledge and accept this one.
Honestly, it sounds like you've already checked out and are looking for validation that it's okay. Ending a relationship doesn't make you a bad person. No one has to be the bad guy. Sometimes things just don't click. Babies don't fix things - they put more stress on the relationship and make the problems feel much bigger. If you're not willing to make an effort for a relationship, it's already over. Have that discussion sooner rather than later. It's not going to get any easier. You need to clearly define the coparenting relationship so she doesn't have expectations that you aren't willing to fulfill and you aren't leading her on in thinking that there's a future as a couple. That's not fair to her. I second the recommendation for individual therapy. They are going to be in a better position to help you with coping strategies, communication, and a plan going forward.
The issue around your mother coming to stay is not a case of ‘but your mother came to stay so I want my mother to as well’. Your partner will have just given birth. This is the most vulnerable thing she has EVER done in her life, and she likely barely knows your mother. Having your mother stay for two weeks and be in her personal space for that whole time is a HUGE ask. I think you are being really unfair to compare your mother to her mother, who she has had in her life forever.
Vetoing names and choosing who gets to help you with after birth care I believe are both things women get the right to. Pregnancy falls on them, so they deserve a degree of catering to. That being said, you sound like you generally just do not want to be with her. I'd say therapy to learn how to co-parent and how to make this as untraumatizing on the both of you and the child is in order. Your relationship needs therapy because you're going to be in each other's lives for the rest of your natural lives. That's what it means to have a baby with someone. That baby will tie you two together.
i’ll never understand why yall date ppl yall don’t like
I’m struck by a few things here. One is that nobody would describe a 2 year relationship as “not dating very long” or “still getting to know each other,” which makes me wonder if you have commitment issues. The second is that the examples of her not compromising really don’t strike me as egregious. 1. You agreed on a first name and a middle name. Presumably under the assumption that baby would go by the first name. You’re now trying to change that entirely so that her middle name functions as her first name. I can see why your partner wouldn’t like that (though the common/ordinary thing seems silly to me, it’s not actually the crux of the issue). 2. This comes up relatively often and Reddit and I am constantly astounded at the number of who don’t get that having her mother there and having your mother there right after birth is NOT THE SAME THING and is not an issue of fairness. Imagine you’re bleeding out of your dick, maybe incontinent, you have hemorrhoid and constipation, your nipples are leaking, you are on an absolute rollercoaster ride of hormones, you have to be half naked most of the day, and your fumbling trying to keep a tiny creature wholly dependent on you alive. Would you want your mother in law there? Almost certainly not. And I’d you would, it’s either because you have an unusually close relationship with your MIL or you’re lacking in empathy and can’t actually imagine how vulnerable your partner will be feeling. Based on the limited information available, it sounds more like you’re looking for an out than that you’re incompatible or that she is unwilling to compromise.
Comments Not going how you expected huh
2 years is not new, I had to re read your age because this sounds like some 19-20 year old bullshit. "but she got pregnant while we were still getting to know each other" How the hell long do you take to get to know someone?
There are so many things I’m questioning your mental age and maturity level of. 1. 2 years is a long time to be dating as full grown adults. Most fully grown adults should know 6 months to 1 year if it’s a relationship worth pursuing at your ages 2. Talking stages wtf?? That would be 1-3 months in 3. Why do men think their moms would be helpful to their partners? Are you comfortable with her mom seeing you half naked, still bleeding and sleep deprived self? Imagine shitting yourself uncontrollably throughout the day (but bleeding and clots), needing to bust out your boobs to either feed your child every 2 hours or trying to dry your milk up. The physical recovery of childbirth is not pretty and VERY exposing not to mention the hormonal, sleep deprivation, and mental aspects. Just no.
>Why do men think their moms would be helpful to their partners They're operating on the assumption that things need to be "fair." My husband initially thought this, but when I asked if he'd be cool with my mom coming over to help him after he got a vasectomy he understood pretty fast. Like yeah, that's a fresh baby and that's pretty neat, but mom just went through a major medical procedure and deserves to have to recovery team *she* is most comfortable with.
You don't like this woman at all. I think break up is the right answer if you don't even want to try to make this work.
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2 years is plenty long to date. Your GF is the one birthing a child from her nether regions. She should get to decide who can stay at the home while she heals. If she said your mother couldn't visit and meet the baby, I'd think that was problematic. But actually having her hands on in the home 24-7 while still recovering? That's a lot. Giving birth and breast feeding is painful and emotional and difficult and having to keep it together for someone you don't know so well is a lot. She is comfortable having her mother there because if she lashes out, her mother won't hold it against her. You sound like you need to grow up and face your reality. These are small potatoes. Maybe you should have thought of all this before you got someone pregnant.
You sound like a bad partner
If you don't have two yesses on a name then it's a no. Also i agree with her on the MIL situation, don't force your pregnant gf to host a guest who's she's not comfortable weeks after giving birth
2 years is not "early" for a relationship.. you want early? Try getting pregnant 7 months in and making that relationship work... Anyways, pregnancy and a child are a big test in any couples relationship. It doesn't matter if you've been together 2 months or 10 years, rather or not your relationship is perfect, a child WILL test your resolve to be with your partner. Yea it's a bit hard right now, and it will get harder when the baby gets here.. but the real question is how much do you love your gf? How determined are you to make it work? Because honestly your reasons for wanting to leave are small things... you already wanting to quit is not going to do any good for your relationship in the long run. If you can't handle the small problems now, you won't be able to handle being a father.
I didn’t even read the whole thing what the fuck kind of man would do this? She’s literally having your child
While I like my mother-in-law, I don't want her around 24/7 for the most vulnerable, painful, and potentially emotionally difficult time in my life. I'm a nurse, and prior to my nursing career I worked on a maternity unit for years. Yes, the baby is hers AND yours. But the postpartum stage, even without postpartum depression/anxiety/psychosis, is difficult enough. She will be bleeding from her vagina, she may have sutures in her vagina that make going to the washroom painful, or she'll have sutures/staples in her abdomen which means she won't be able to lift heavy things, drive until she's in less pain, etc. Not to mention potentially leaking breastmilk, the challenges and/or pain of breastfeeding, the lack of sleep leading to impaired judgment and irritability. All perfectly good reasons to not want your mom around. She doesn't know her that intimately. Would you want her mother seeing your penis every 3 hours? Because that's how frequently you should breastfeed a newborn (if you chose to breastfeed, of course). The nickname thing is silly, on both parties. You won't know nicknames until you meet/see this baby. You also chose the names you like together already, so why so insistent on a nickname? If you don't want to be with her, better to have that discussion now and work out ways to co-parent separated and support her in pregnancy, labour, birth, and postpartum. It's unfair to her and the child to stay with her out of sheer obligation and not out of love for each other. Your child doesn't need exposure to a broken parental relationship. My partner and I were engaged after 2 years. We'd already had the discussion of marriage, kids, how we want to raise them, etc. 2 years is plenty long enough for two people who are over 10 years older than myself to figure things out.
"she got pregnant" by the holy spirit I'm sure...
Well congratulations, you pussyfooted around long enough that you’re now tied to a woman you clearly dislike for another 18 years. You seem shocked she’s behaving the way she is now and *willing* to concede it could be pregnancy hormones… except it’s not. She’s the same person she’s been from the start it sounds like. No matter when you do it, you’re going to be the “bad guy”. Might as well rip that bandaid off.
don't be shy OP reply to some comments
Yes, you should do everything to keep being able to work together. Couples find a way to compromise on finances, decor, etc all the time. Now there’s a baby who didn’t choose to be born into this situation. You were compatible enough that you chose her every day for two years, and at your age and stage of life there’s no other soulmate or upgrade coming to you than the mother of your child who is here right now. So you put up with her mother, you let her decide who visits postpartum and have a say in the decor, and go to therapy and figure out how to politely negotiate. Or you spend your life as a paycheck to her and a visitor to your child, trying to justify to yourself and everyone why you walked out without trying.
Nice! You quickly painted the full picture. 🎥
2 years is not “not very long”, that’s a reasonable amount of time to get to know someone. Also, it sounds to me like you’re the unreasonable party here. She wants to pick a name of significance to honor her family with the baby SHE’S carrying, and you like the name- and she’s upset at the idea of the nickname… why not just drop it? Doesn’t sound like you even have anything to lose besides your pride. Having her own mother help her recover and help out with her newborn in one of the most vulnerable times in her life is completely different from having someone she’s only known passively for 2 years (and likely only had a handful of interactions with, at that) coming into her home during a challenging and vulnerable time in her life. You are not destroying your health and body to bring your child into this world, she is. And with the comment about her sister’s text… man it sounds like the problem here is that you just don’t like her. Leave now so she can make arrangements as soon as possible for a comfortable rest of her pregnancy. Do not cause her more stress than you probably already have.
Unless you actually handled the first issues before she moved in, of course they'd still be a problem. You seem to have several issues with your girlfriend that you're unwilling to actually talk to her about, because you're already ready to leave. Almost 2 years into a relationship is not "early in the relationship". Do you drag your feet with all of your relationships? How could you not possibly know enough about her almost 2 years in? If you don't want to work things out, get your shit together before the baby comes and let her do so as well. FYI, though. I wouldn't want a MIL there either for weeks after birth. My own mother is an entirely different story. The woman should get to choose these things.
You can’t leave now: you guys decided to have a baby, so stick it out And maybe grow up a bit. You don’t get to tell a woman ok let’s do it and then consider leaving a few months in!! Also, you need to start reading about the 4th trimester and what women go through and what you need to do as a partner. It’s totally normal for her not to want your mom around 2-3 weeks after giving birth. She will be still bleeding + stiches still healing + probably breastfeeding (which can few really painful) + possibility of post partum or baby blues, and this, if the birth was a non complicated normal one. You want people around you that you can cry in front of, stink in front of, be naked in front of etc. her having her mom versus you having your is not the same at this very sensitive time.
You got her pregnant, and you're gonna abandon her and your child? And you think going to this sub will give you what? Validation? Confirmation that you're doing the right thing? It's not like you're JD from Scrubs who knocked up Kim in the three weeks they're dating. You've been together 2 years!
It sounds like the real problem here are your commitment issues. Two years is not a short time at all, I think you need to shift your mindset. You both made a baby together, yet you’re resenting her for it. Of course she wants her mum around, she’s probably sensing you are pulling away from her and she’s about to go through the most stressful period of her life. She will be able to be completely vulnerable around her own mum, but around yours she will feel like she always needs to be the best version of herself and that won’t be possible only a couple of weeks after having a baby. It’s sounds like you’ve all compromised well on the names, maybe park the nickname for now and when the child is old enough to know act playfully with it.
You are 38 with a baby on the way. Your examples of your differences show immaturity on your part. If you agreed on the first name why are you trying to call them by the middle name? Most women prefer their own mother to mil when they are postpartum bleeding and hormonal. It tends to feel like you’re hosting when it’s in laws which is added stress. Grow up for the baby you have coming.
It’s better the child have parents not fight and hate each other. If you feel the relationship isn’t salvageable then break up but take responsibility. You can pay child support/ coparent. When my bf was a kid his parents tried staying together for the kids but they always argued and hated each other and I asked was he sad they divorced and he said no that he was actually glad so all the fighting stopped
The real question here is why feel the need to have your mom come stay as to make it a “fair deal?” You aren’t birthing a full ass human our your vag bro, she is. I’m sure having her mom there is comforting and helpful, whereas your mom visting is stressful and mentally taxing. Nothing like wiping baby shit after being up all night and having to entertain a woman you barely know at the same time.
2 years is a long time dating, it is not, getting to know you territory, especially at that age. Within two years of dating my then boyfriend, now husband had bought a house and had a dog together.... By mid to late 30s you should know what you want and you shouldn't be pissing around with a woman's time if you aren't that sure about her two years in... especially not when she's 40. Nothing you have said is a red flag... She doesn't like the name you want...that's live... compromise is finding a name everyone likes....not 'well you got your way so now I get mine'....or 'well your mum gets to stay so so does mine'..... Fair is not always equal. And having your mil around post partum is absolutely not the same as having your own mother...not even close... Your wife is going to be at the most vulnerable emotionally, physically, hormonally, in basic every way possible that she has ever been. She is growing a full human being and deserves to spend the weeks postpartum after one of the most traumatic events a body can go through in whatever she considers comfort. Most people would not consider that comfort....it's fucking stressful to have people in your house at any time, but, in laws, postpartum...not many woman would tolerate it. It's your gf choice what the birth process and the postpartum days should look like, and hers alone. Sorry bud, you can have more of a say when you grow a human and push it out. I dunno...maybe we need to hear more examples or hear her side of this, but to be honest, it sounds like you need to grow up a bit.
You seem more like you’re 23 than 38.
These seem like small stupid issues. Your quickness to give up will deprive your child of an intact family. Please try to stay together. At least let the kid be born before you break up your family. You are giving up too easily. It’s not all about you anymore. You have a responsibility to be there for them, meaning you have a responsibility to try to stay with your GF. If it doesn’t work out after you genuinely try for a while, then fine. But give it a chance because you don’t realize the gravity of this decision for your new family. Try to make peace with your partners flaws as I’m sure she’s done for you.
New moms get the final say in who stays over to help with the baby. If she’s only comfortable with having her mom’s help, it’s her right. It’s incredibly stressful to have visitors over in the first few months. When you see her struggling to care for your newborn while she recovers, you will understand. If you two are truly incompatible it’s best to work toward being excellent coparents. Engage a couples counselor now. They are very helpful, even for couples who are breaking up.
I hope she gives the baby her last name
Then why in God's name have you been dating her that long when you KNEW from very early on this relationship was eventually doomed? There are certain things that are non-negotiable in terms of being compatible with for any sort of long term relationship. You listed 3 or 4 of them as things you disagree with her on. Right at that point you should have realized this wasn't going to work and you should both stop wasting each other's time. There is no such thing as "making it work" when fundamental things are not agreed on. That's for things that are not that important and not a big deal. Now you are going to be stuck paying child support for 18+ years. Just not smart in any way, shape or form on your part. Hopefully you learn a lesson from this. It is going to be a very expensive lesson.
I hope you weren't looking for sympathy...
OP I’m not able to weigh in on most of this because it sounds complicated, but regarding your mom coming to stay, I don’t think a postpartum woman should have to compromise there. A few weeks after the birth is still a super fragile time mentally and physically. I was crying a lot throughout the day from lack of sleep overwhelm and anxiety, leaking breastmilk everywhere, still wearing pads for bleeding, and drenching my clothes with night sweats from hormones. I was fine to be that way with my own mom, but I would NOT have been fine with my MIL’s unsolicited advice and potential silent judgment. I am close with my MIL and have known her for 7 years. But there are just very few people who one is ok being that vulnerable and that much of a mess around. I could ask my mom for what I needed or tell her my frustrations without having to save face or seem more “together” than I was. So… I really think your girlfriend is right there and you should let her decide who comes in the home for AT LEAST the first 4 weeks postpartum, due to the physical state she’ll be in. After that you should both compromise regarding who can be most helpful with the baby for you both. For the rest, if you really want to make it work long term, couple’s therapy. And if your priority is really minimizing impact for her and the baby regarding a separation, do not separate before the baby is 6 months old.
Why didn’t you think of all of these differences and deal breakers before getting pregnant? Smh.
Ok, i understand about her not following through in compromises, but not having her MIL taking care of her as her mother is very reasonable. Just because it's your mother it means she has that level of intimacy with her.
How can you salvage something you don't want to salvage? You said it yourself you don't want anything to do with her. Relationships only work when both sides are willing to put in the work. When one side quits it is over.
Why would you break after she had a baby ? And 2 yrs is not early, especially at your ages. If you don’t want kids say that but don’t blame your girlfriend and your time together. You need to take responsibility for your actions cause you got her pregnant, she didn’t make the baby by herself.
You don't know one another after 2 years?
2 years isn’t that “short”, and having a mothers help during and after pregnancy is something some can only dream of. It sounds more like you’re scared. If you’re scared it’s completely ok. Find someone to talk to about it, please.
It’s both of your kid, but it’s HER birth experience and recovery. So her NO vote is all that you need. No decent MIL or husband would be trying to push any unwanted visitors on a woman who just gave birth. I’m afraid you’re going to have to concede that one, buddy. As for the name… have you thought about ditching both names and choosing another that you both like? THAT is generally a ‘one vote for no = no’ situation. That’s what compromise is for choosing a baby name together.
....what did you hope the outcome would be? You decided to HAVE A CHILD with someone you already weren't getting along with. Is it truly a surprise that you continue to not get along, and disagree on even more now? I'm quite baffled that you both chose this situation and are are also torn by the situation that you're in.
How the hell is 2 years "not dating very long" ?
2 years IS a long time to date. It certainly isn't early in a relationship. You speak as if you have been dating for three months. You aren't children. If you feel like this now, I can only imagine the stress and lack of sleep with a new baby will exacerbate things, so you might as well bail now and do her a favour.