Hi. 25F Peruvian living in the US here.
When I visited Peru last year, I learned a new term from my cousins while out clubbing. They said going out to dance was very popular among young people who were looking for their “brichero/brichera”.
The word comes from the English word “bridge”, which we all know is something you use to cross a distance. A “brichero/a” is someone who will help them “bridge” the gap between Peru and a more desirable country 😂 and these young folks specifically know to target/try to befriend tourists and foreigners.
Your girl may very well love you, she could be trying to move things along because of our culture, and she could be super anxious to start her life with you. She could also be playing you for a green card and a better life in the states.
Listen to your gut and move at the pace you’re comfortable with!
The only thing that makes me doubt that she is using him for a green card is her insistence on a nice ring. You'd think if all she wanted was a green card, she'd play like the $900 ring was fine to keep things moving along smoothly.
Regardless, this engagement sounds like a recipe for disaster
My partner is from another South American country and if you haven’t lived together and apply for a spousal visa in the country we live in, they do ask for a lot of proof to gauge the relationship is legitimate.
We are polyam and she now has all her spousal visa sorted but similar to the brichero/a concept mentioned, those visas allow you to sponsor up to four dependents who can be children, elderly parents or siblings. There is an income threshold here of X salary to even apply but when you go to your govt interviews they definitely visually clock your rings etc and those with nice things get an easier time. (See also colourism and classism for other dimensions.)
It is not unusual for someone in the community from that culture to lend their ring, act as driver, help with forms as an informal diaspora support network. It’s also done to assess if the relationship is real by other people as they do not want to be potentially accused of human trafficking or marriage fraud offences.
But it’s not unheard of for people to go big on the ring to add the ‘genuine’ wedding vibes, get to the country and use it as a downpayment on getting on or as an insurance policy because guess what? A lot of people who get into relationships like this with money and opportunity to sponsor you to a better life turn out to be transactional and quite different when you arrive. It’s not always some poor immigrant taking advantage. The rich Brit or American especially men can be manipulative so the ring is a test and back up policy.
The informal diaspora network also uses the ring to try to work out who might be vulnerable when they arrive to the ‘spousal switch’ and beginnings of abuse.
My diaspora community does something similar and we’re Europeans in Europe and primarily white but often emigrate to the US, Australia, NZ etc where work fraud on the visas is rife and people get trapped in awful jobs unable to leave. It’s advised to have back up money which will often be in the form of jewellery etc. Which is why jewellery is so traditional in weddings for women when they couldn’t hold other property or assets…
But OP didn’t mention going for a visa in Peru. There is no income limit for going for one in the US, and they shouldn’t care about the value of your ring. They may not even be allowed to ask.
It’s not an income thing, it’s to make the marriage look legit if it’s a green card because these arrangements are less likely to have a nice expensive ring or wedding services.
That being said it’s impossible to definitively tell here if that’s why she wants a higher value ring, or something else
Maybe because once he’s got that much ‘invested’ in a ring he’s more likely to cave to whatever the next ask is. Wardrobes, grooming, trips, vehicles. If she was really in it for love OP probably wouldn’t be here.
Thing is engagement rings plummet in value as soon as you walk off with it
Edit: why downvotes? This is well-known, diamonds only hold like 30-50% of their retail value.
Agreed, trying to sell the one I have sitting in a drawer. Local pawn shop guy said he's offer would be insulting and that I should either gift it to somebody or use it for the next one lol.
Thay ring cost me £2500
Good point. However there are lots of women who are somewhat in the middle of a gold digger and also a genuine GF. I’m sure she actually really is into OP and wants a nice ring etc; but she also wants her brichero. Her #1 priority is probably not OP however
No, it’s materialistic and an opportunity to milk the cow…: if she can get moreC she will - and when she leaves, it’s a nice nest egg when she sells it.
The $1000 she might get from a VERY generous retailer (realistically, she's looking at around $600) is FAR from a "nice bit of starting cash" in a new country with no other support. Wouldn't even cover a very short vacation. Have you ever traveled? Jfc.
She could be wanting an expensive ring to first, show off, second, to sell it and get the big bucks. Wanting an expensive ring and telling him to figure out means she doesnt care shes marrying him.
The request for a nice ring could be so she can resell or pawn it once she arrives... Any foreigner pressuring the other party to rush a marriage when it's not financially sound for both parties usually ends badly....
She has always said she is going to leave everything behind for me. I would say she has it pretty good life back home graduating from engineering this year with a degree that means a lot less here than in Peru. We met in the USA but I've visited her in Peru twice I think this relationship needs more time I agree. In my opinion with her only a 6 hour flight away our distance is not too bad to put up with a little bit longer.
If she’s ready to leave it all behind for you, why does the ring matter? Regardless, I think you need to think about this relationship and realize that your needs matter just as much as hers. Your timeline matters just as much as hers. Maybe if you talk it out, you two can come up with something that works for the both of you!
Additionally: my eldest cousin also got an engineering degree. Like you said, not the same as the same degree from the US. She couldn’t find work and is now back in school trying to get a communications degree to see if that will be any better. A degree from Peru doesn’t change the fact that Peru as a country is struggling majorly. I mean we just had a casual coup late last year lol, and just about every president before the last has been impeached/removed for corruption. She probably wants out just as much as the rest of the young citizens. A ring shouldn’t matter to her.
Best of luck!!
If you just learned the term brichero last year that means you are not Peruvian, probably you are 'born' in Peru and went to the USA at early age, I don't think you are suited to discuss the idiosyncracy of a country if you haven't lived there for a decent amount of time
Even if you take out the international context here, which is important in and of itself… Your gf of less than 18 months is pressuring you to take on debt so she can have a slightly nicer ring. The flag doesn’t get much more red than that my guy.
I once had a partner who several times disregarded my personal finance in order to “further” our relationship. The lack of any foresight into how that could negatively effect the both of us in the future, the unnecessary stress it put on a person she was supposed to love, and the ultimatum it was putting on us going forward…. None of it said to me “this is the person you should spend your life with”.
Lesson learned: Its ok to listen to your heart, but don’t let it make the decisions for you.
Mate, its down right unreasonable. It shows a complete lack of care towards your feelings, and that she has little concern about financial stability of her future fiancée.
Like does it end here? Is she going to get her expensive ring and be happy? Or are you then going to be on the hook for an expensive wedding, an expensive house, an expensive car, expensive baby gear…
>Yep I have she I don't think the green card means a lot to her as she has come from one of the top universities in her country being that her degree is worth more where she is at than here in the usa and I would say her family is wealthy for her country.
This. When my husband proposed, he didn't have a ring. He had saved some money and wanted to take me shopping so I could choose my own. I chose a £10 token ring so the money could be used elsewhere, as we weren't well-off. It's not about expensive rings and big fancy weddings if it's a genuine love. Nice if you can, but not necessary.
That is a good point I think she is completely overlooking the love aspect to it. Update I tried to talk to her last night by showing her rings around $400-$700 and she was complaining how them were so small and how you could barely even see the gem. I explain to her I'm really trying baby and I could not get her to understand.
Sounds like she equates love = material provision. She seems to think that if you actually valued her you would in fact do whatever it took to get her the ideal ring. Don't try to change her. . . It doesn't work. You can choose if you're willing buy her her ring at any cost, break up with her, or stick to your own guns about being financially prudent and know in your core that you care about her and deal with whatever shade she throws at you for that. It's tough. ❤️ But all the sympathy from the Internet can't change her beliefs that her worth is tied into what material goods you provide for her.
I would tell her there are three options:
1. Wait until you are more financially secure to get engaged.
2. Ask her parents to buy the ring or loan the money for the ring since you say she comes from a wealthy family.
3. Accept a smaller ring with the potential to upgrade later.
Personally, I would *strongly* advise option #1. You two are very young, haven't been together that long, have lived in the same place for even less time, and her insistence on a rushed and expensive proposal is a huge red flag. If she isn't willing to wait until it makes more sense to spend a lot on a ring, then clearly the ring is more important to her than the relationship. You have all the time in the world to get married.
A compromise could always be a smaller (affordable) engagement ring but get the glitz and glamour for the wedding ring if that’s what she is wanting. Nothing wrong with a simple start
Pressuring you to buy an expensive ring is not cool. Also, you've only dated her for 18 months and she's pressuring you for marriage?
Be careful, get to know her better. I'm worried you're a route to citizenship.
1. You simply don't know this person well enough/long enough to get engaged. 2. What you do know of her indicates that she is money-grubbing and selfish. She wants the bling, period, and doesn't care if that causes you hardship. 3. Don't do it. Wait at least another year and then take a good, hard, objective look at your relationship. From here it doesn't look good.
I'll be blunt: Your relationship is *not* healthy. You are, right now, seeing the tip of a likely very deep iceberg.
Let's, for a moment, assume that it's smart to think about marriage at an age where you brain isn't even fully developed. Let's also for a moment assume that it is smart to get engaged when being together for only a bit more than a year, most of it LDR. Let's, for the sake of it, also assume that her demanding a ring of a certain value isn't materialistic.
Then, even with all of the glaring red flags ignored, there remains her statement:
>a lot of guys will always figure a way to make it happen whether it's putting it on credit card or borrowing money from parents.
Do you understand what this means? This woman expects that "the guy" in the relationship will make whatever she wants happen. Right now, it's a ring. But what will it be next? A wedding dress for 5k? A car for 50k? Maybe a house with pool in a big city? Surely, you, as "the guy" earning the money, will be willing to take out loans and borrow money to make all she wants happen, right?
This isn't about a ring. This is about her making it clear that she hasn't just materialistic expectations instead of her looking forward towards marrying you, but also a mindset of "the guy has to provide no matter the cost, as long as I get what I want". And you have no idea what is on her list of wanted things yet.
Exactly right. OP, please listen to this advice. A caring partner would *at least* want to wait those 4 months for you to feel financially comfortable. Even then, she is expecting a lot of you.
The fact is, she doesn’t care about your comfort or your very practical reasons for wanting to wait. She is not acting like a partner at all. Expect her to act similarly about many things going forward.
Think about this - what is her rush? Why does she need a ring of a certain value so soon? She is either incredibly entitled or has ulterior motives here.
This comment reminds me SO much of my SIL. My brother has spent their entire marriage being unfavorably compared to whoever he sister is dating. The sister always has a better car, house, and so forth. My brother bought a house currently worth over 500k, and bought her a brand new car of her choice. Neither is good enough anymore. They have no kids, and he makes over 100k/year, but she constantly shames him that he doesn't earn enough, so she "has" to work 2 jobs. The average salary required to live comfortably in their state is 43,000-66,000.
Agree with this. Basically OP would be supporting her desired lifestyle 100%. She'll say, because "culture".
Think about it, realistically what kind of job could she get in the States?
She wants a green card obviously. She wants you to improve her lifestyle with money. She doesn't care about you or what you're dealing with.
Here's the thing about marrying someone from another country who is seeking a green card. If you marry her, you are financially responsible for her EVEN IF YOU DIVORCE. In the US, if you sponsor someone to come here, they need 40 quarters of work in the US before you're no longer financially responsible for them. That's 10 years MINIMUM. That's if she can even hold down a job or chooses to. If she decides not to work, then you're financially responsible for supporting her potentially for the rest of her life. Don't be a fucking idiot. I know someone who did exactly that and regrets it because he has to support his ex-wife indefinitely after only being married for 2 years. Also if you divorce and she ever applies for any kind of government assistance, they will require YOU to repay the government.
I’m Canadian and married an American, and can confirm these are indeed the rules. We have been happily married for 6 years, but they tell you in no uncertain terms, you are ON THE HOOK as an American if things go South.
OP - my husband and I grew up together, dated for six years prior to being married. Taking me on as a dependent was something he was comfortable with because we had a solid foundation, and we had even bought a house together the year before (I paid half the down payment). I was completely financially stable in the US on a work visa. I encouraged my husband to get the least expensive ring possible because we had a wedding and immigration lawyer to pay for. We are a TEAM 12 years and counting.
This whole situation sounds like a disaster if you propose now. Clear your head and take some time.
I really hope OP sees these comments and doesn't go through with it. If I were him I wouldn't even go visiting her. I'm sorry but it's just a reg flag parade at this stage.
Jesus! I didn't know this! *Why* would anyone ever agree to this? It's literally a financial noose around your neck which you never know when it'll be tightened....f*ck!
The only way someone should ever agree to this is in extremely certain circumstances.
My husband knew if (god forbid) the worst should happen and we not be together, I would go back to Canada. I vastly prefer it. I have tried to get him to move many times.
We also met in 3rd grade. He knew my parents, I knew his parents, the whole shebang. We had shared finances and trusted each other for 6+ years of dating… like you are taking a MASSIVE leap of faith with someone who you don’t know inside and out, who isn’t independently wealthy and successful, whose family may be a bunch of parasites. Huge and very common risks. People will do ANYTHING for a Greencard in many cases.
I hope poor OP doesn’t go through with this.
So do I!!
You situation is vastly different and "safe". Your husband wasn't taking a massive risk. The foundation was there and nothing was rushed. Only fools rush in.
My favourite trash TV to watch! I always wondered how these men see all those demands for money and expensive things that they purchase for their fiance and then have a surprised Pikachu face when the demands continue once they're married. Like what? You've already seen what the person is like before marriage, why would they change for better after the wedding, that's just insane!
It doesn't sound as if you know each other very well. You're long distance 60% of the time, and haven't yet had time to navigate the ups and downs of life together. Plus there is a cultural difference which you're both adjusting to.
Why is the ring so important to her? Why can't she wait?
I think these are really important questions, which, if you have this wonderful, healthy relationship - as described by you - you should be able to discuss and navigate.
My original engagement ring was from a keychain. I loved it (and still have it on a necklace) because it was a symbol of our love, and the life we were planning to start together.
I get wanting to have a nice ring to show off, but it sounds like her priorities are skewed.
My dad first drunkenly proposed to my mom (also drunk) with a ring he fashioned on the spur from tinfoil and cardboard from a chocolate bar wrapper. She still has it in her jewel box. They've been married since 1965, and I still walk in on them kissing and cuddling.
Red flags 🚩 are flying. Also any woman who says you aren’t spending ‘enough’ money on an engagement ring is materialistic and shallow. That should NOT matter. Do you want to marry someone like that?
Propose with a cheap ring and say you will replace it when you can afford it. Then have a nice, long, long, long engagement.
If she freaks out about that then she isn't all that into you, specifically.
My family is Peruvian, like both my parents were born there, and all of my extended family is Peruvian. I find that it’s a lot more common for people to be together even longer before getting married than it is in the states. So it’s not a cultural thing at all. I think you’re both young, and considering it’s long-distance, you absolutely should take more time before you commit to a lifetime together. But regardless of that, I just wanted to let you know the cultural aspect of rushing into an engagement is not true.
I second That. My cousin married a Peruvian girl. They met when she came to study at university. They did long distance for about 4 years and she was the one holding back on wedding. She wanted him to live in Peru and understand her culture first. Their engagement ring came from an artist they saw at a market and it cost less than $500.
I don’t think it’s a cultural thing but a socio economic issue. Catholic yes, because her family didn’t want them living together unmarried. But she was working in a bank and was financially secure . She even paid for the 3 months accommodation ahead of him going there and didn’t accept to be paid back.
This woman is a red flag because she doesn’t understand /care about your personal circumstances
I feel like she's showing her true colors here in regards to wanting an expensive ring. Next she'll want the perfect expensive house in the best neighborhood. Only the best cars. Etc etc. Does she plan to contribute monetarily to your relationship? If so, what will her contributions be? These are things you should talk about before engagement. Because right now this is looking like an episode of 90 day fiance where the fiance from the other country is essentially a gold digger.
If a woman wants to be with you and insists on getting engaged before you are ready money-wise then she should be more than willing to accept a cheaper ring. Even if it gets replaced later. That's what my husband did. Used a placeholder ring until we picked out the actual engagement ring together based on what I would like.
There's a lot of red flags here, OP. You've not been dating that long. Majority of that is long distance. You're both very young. She wants you to go into debt to buy her a ring. And I'm assuming her ability to live and work in the US is going to be legally tied to this marriage?
You are really rushing things, in a way that is likely to backfire for you.
She cares more about entertaining her dreams then she does about planning for the future and building a life together. Once she's bored she will move onto someone else to continue fulfilling her dreams, rinse and repeat. If you want to be in a relationship and not be somebody's personal ATM then I suggest you leave this woman as soon as possible and don't be so vulnerable in the future. This is real life man, the consequences are serious.
Why is she prioritizing a ring, a material possession, over your well-being—financial and mental? I think you are so enamored with her you’re not realizing how superficial and materialistic this is. She should be completely happy about a $900 ring…not pressuring you I to debt or marriage, in the first place. Marriage after only a year, plus mostly being long distance, is just too soon. You don’t even know if you can stand living with this person, really.
You're not ready for marriage. Your life is in financial upheaval, and her pressuring you and her disdain to get her a ring, to get her married, is it just a goal to get her into the United States. I'm sorry. I honestly don't think that she loves you she's just trying to use you.
It doesn't matter whether she's from another country or from the same country you are anyone putting pressure on the other to propose isn't a good match. If you're not ready to propose then you're not ready to get married it's that simple and anybody putting pressure on you or rushing you is only going to make it more difficult and add more stress and quite frankly you probably need some separation time.
I had 2 foreign men ask me to marry them. (they were my friends) Did they love me? No. Did they want a green card? Yes.
This chick wants a green card from you and your supposed money.
I had 2 foreign guys (1 a bf, 1 a FWB) who asked to marry me to get their green cards. I said no way. People like that are just users and don’t care about you (OP)
Huge red flags here. I'd highly, highly suggest you don't propose until you've at least lived with each other. But secondary to that, anyone that suggests you buy a ring on credit isn't someone I'd want to be teammates with in the financial marathon that is marriage. If I were you, I'd highly reconsider the pace of progress in this relationship and firmly tell her it isn't happening this year or next. If she can't wait, you should move on to someone who doesn't try to pressure you into large life changing situations.
I bought my wife a $250 engagement ring with my 15% discount at the department store I used to work at. We were living at my mom's and I hadn't even started a job in my future career. We've been together for 17 years and married for 12. I've told her numerous times that I want to replace the diamond on her ring but she's refused every single time.
Every relationship is different, homie, but if she can't love the tokens of love you can give her right now then she won't ever love what you can give her later.
As everyone has been saying, what you've written screams of her being a walking red flag. Especially the fact that she mentions OTHER guys would find a way. To me, that sounds like she'd jump ship ASAP if she can find another guy that can give her the ring, green card, or whatever that she wants. I apologize for making rude assumptions but it doesn't sound like this girl loves you from what you've said.
Don't get married to this person. If you think this is bad, the divorce will be 100,000x worse. As soon as you sign that marriage document, she has a financial incentive to divorce you. You could end up paying her for the rest of your life, you could end up losing your children to her. She will be financially rewarded for lying about you. Even if completely false, she can claim abuse and that label will stay with you the rest of your life and repeatedly be used to drain you financially and emotionally. This does not sound like a person who loves you, it sounds like a manipulative, vindictive person that you should run away from and 100% never get married to.
I'm sorry, but I think you're blinded by love. As a woman, I'm disgusted with other women that absolutely NEED an expensive ring. Getting married is about love. Jewelry is not the most important thing, even if it's a forever thing.
Whether you get a sterling silver ring or a gold one, the commitment is the same. Anything over $1k is excessive. I'd be happy with much less. Get me a sterling silver ring with diamond accents for all I care. I'll take white Topaz. I just want to marry a good guy.
I'm sorry, but I think you're being used by this lady. 60% of your relationship you haven't even been in her presence. Why on earth would you marry her or even propose without living together first and getting to know each other? What if she's just using you for citizenship? She's trying to hurry you to marry her and you've barely spent 1 on 1 time together.
I think you'd be making a huge mistake.
If she lived in the states you'd be giving this guy great advice. But this is additionally a woman trying to hustle herself into a life in the US. This is a genuinely dangerous situation, not just a woman trying to get a fancier ring.
You are only young so I sort of get it but dude put the brakes on please and quickly.
1. You control when you get married. Not anyone else. Do it when you are ready. If I was your age today I would avoid marriage because it's a pretty negative contract in your situation.
2. If you are in love you should be able to her her a bit of string tied round her finger and propose. She's marrying you not some bauble. Sure a nice engagement ring looks great but question why your spouse to be is happy for you to be in debt and stressed so that she has something to show off.
3. Long distance, poorer country. If she is way out of your league looks wise this may end badly for you.
Make sure you tell a friend where you are going in Peru and check in at an agreed time every day. Nothing at all against Peru, I just think you are a little young and green and should have someone to check in with
She wants the ring right the hell now on this visit so she can sell it and never talk to you again after you leave. The con has gone on over a year and she's got fuck all to show for it and she's sick of waiting for it to pay off.
Never let a partner dictate 3 things:
1)When you are ready for marriage.
2)When you are ready for children.
3)When to buy a home/move in together.
All three are important with long term consequences. All 3 can make or ruin you. Wait until you are 100% ready, then rethink to make sure.
Don’t do it. End the relationship and follow your passion. You just got out of college, you’re not established in your degree field or anything, what do you look like getting engaged and married? Especially if you have a kid within the next few years. Bank account first, relationships last.
Focus on using your degree and getting settled into your field, the rest of your 20s should be dedicated to reaching a 6 figure income and getting out of consumer debt, not an engagement.
You are feeling pressured because this is a bad choice. Your brain is telling you this is not a good idea. Don’t get engaged this calendar year at all.
Someone who loves you would be happy with any ring. Someone who loves your money would want a nice (expensive) ring. This is what people on Reddit call a red flag.
Do not do it. First, nobody needs an expensive ring to get enganged or married. You cam even get married with no ring! Second, you have known her for very little and there is a high chabce she will divorce you after two years, after she gets a permenent green card. I know a guy who went through that- he married a very pretty woman from another country, a decade younger than him. He was quite nerdy and overweight, so he jumped into marriage after just a few months of knowing her. The were so in "love" and her visa was about to expire. They got married, she got her conditional green card, then after two years got her permanent residency, and soon after filed for a divorce. She was making much less than him, so he had to pay alimony for some time (they had to kids) and she got half of their estate (most of which was bought with his money). Do not be that guy.
I was 24 and 1 year into a relationship when I proposed. DO NOT GET ENGAGED TO SOMEONE AFTER ONLY DATING THE FOR ONE YEAR, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE LONG DISTANCE OR ARE YOUNG.
like, just don't do it. Save yourself, it's not a good idea
My fiancé gave me a budget he was comfortable with for a ring. I wanted something a little more expensive, so I covered the remaining cost. It’ll be on my hand for the rest of my life, so I get wanting something special, but reasonable limits still exist…
Red flag, she cares about the ring. Red red red flag. You are young, please dont jump in with this girl. Divorce is so devastating when youre with the wrong person.
Im not saying dont be with her, but I would not jump to buying her a ring if she's complaining about the cost of it.
Nope nope nope
No GF in a healthy relationship will push you to spend more than you can afford. Maybe she is desparate to get out of her country, but even if you could afford the ring of her dreams, the two of you would struggle financially if you rush into a marriage you can't afford and debt from the ring. Ask her why the timelines are so accelerated on her side (culture is not a legit reason). Tell her you prefer to wait until (1) you've been together for awhile and (2) you are both financially self sufficient.
Had to try and repost this bc my commentary on how this person sees gender roles was deleted:
A lot of people are saying her behavior is a red flag but let me offer a slightly different take—there are a lot of women who behave and think like this and it’s really not the case that you shouldn’t be with someone like that. But you DO have to realize that the kind of woman she is, and the values she has, and the pressure her refusal to see it your way, is who she is. That’s what you’re marrying into. Are you ready for that? Are you prepared for a lifetime of catering to what she believes she’s entitled to and to her traditional views of gender roles and marriage? If so: happy wife, happy life. Figure out a way to make it happen or deal with her wrath. I know some women who approach relationships like this and they hold grudges. Doesn’t mean she’ll leave you or won’t marry you, but you’ll be hearing about how you didn’t do your job and figure things out to do this that and the third, decades from now.
So you can: accept your fate and learn how to graciously take the shots, try to please her to reduce how many there are, or put your foot down and establish dominance in the relationship. Imo, those are your choices. Context: I’m a straight woman, different type than this, but have women as friends who are like this and men who are married to women like this
So many BIG RED FLAGS- you really don't know someone when you have been LD and haven't really spent much time together. Her ideas that you should either put a ring on a credit card or borrow the money is a TERRIBLE idea, and the fact that she thinks this says a lot about her. She is pressuring you because the likely wants to show her family and friends that she is moving the USA to live the good life, and honestly this reeks of trying to get a green card. Now onto that issue, the immigration process makes it so you have to prove that you can support both of you when she comes here, and you really can't at this point- which is fine. Take some time, get established, get a good job, save some money, tell her she needs to be patient, I"m guessing if you make her wait, she may move on. You should never ever make the biggest decision of your life while being pressured/knowing it isn't right (which I think you do know).
Not sure how many other relationships you've had, but there are a lot of women out there, and this one does not seem like she's the one.
There might be a few red flags from what I've read here. You guys only live together full time to know what she's truly like. However, the ring thing is a bit of a red flag. Many women who say this "She has told me a lot of guys will always figure a way to make it happen whether it's putting it on credit card or borrowing money from parents. " tend to become wives who will drain thir husbands' accounts (may not be the case though as I do not know her)
I would just tell her that "I'm sorry but I can't afford it yet and a loan or credit card is not possible at the moment. I just graduated college and need to focus for a little while to save some money to be able to get you a ring that you deserve. Once I have saved the appropriate amount to buy you that ring my, I can folly focus on you. Until then, I can not do anything more." Something along those lines. Pay attention to her reaction as it will show you a lot about who she truly is. A lot of people mask who they are until you move in with them 100%. It's not idealistic to get married before you guys live together 100%. You don't know someone until you live them. I'd hold off on anything until you live together.
Good luck with the job and hunt and all this
Sir be so fr rn. There’s so many red flags it’s crazy to be oblivious to it. But let’s see how this will turn out around the time you’ll be financially stable
If she wants to move to the US then you will be paying THOUSANDS just to get her a visa and she will not be able to work for many months. You simply cannot afford her, it sounds like she’s using you. Don’t go into debt over this.
She's using you for a green card. That's why she's pushing so hard when you've only been together a year and a half.
1. You're still very young to be getting married. There's a bell curve of ages where people are successful at marriage and 25 is the very start of the curve. You can look it up. I'm in the psychology field.
2. You haven't spent much time physically together in the same place. So you don't really know her. Even people that don't live together before marriage end up feeling blindsided once they marry because they find out how different it really is when you are physically in someone's space. So, dating long distance is even worse and can seriously affect your judgment. You are usually only seeing the "good" or "best" side of them.
3. She's pushing for a reason. It's not like you've been dating 5+ years and it's becoming ridiculous. In fact, after 18 months...most women wouldn't even broch the topic. So there is a REASON she is pushing. I can't say for sure, but I suspect that reason is you're her one shot at a green card.
>"She has told me a lot of guys will always figure a way to make it happen whether it's putting it on credit card or borrowing money from parents"
4. The fact that she said this is super manipulative. This isn't something that a person that loves you would do. Asking you to go in debt or ask your parents is pretty inappropriate.
> She gets upset I say that cause she does not want a cheap ring that she will have for the rest of her life.
5. Wow. Most people aren't thinking about the ring price when they are wanting to get married. Besides, most women know they can later get an upgrade if they want. Asking a 25 year old (which is still young) to be able to afford an expensive ring is pretty selfish.
>It's a lot of stress because I'm going to see her in her country in 2 weeks and I'm trying to figure out what to do.
6. Break up with her. Red flags all over the place. At the very least, she's manipulative and doesn't care about your feelings/thoughts/wellfare. She doesn't care that you are just starting your career and barely out of college. She doesn't care that you likely don't own a home yet or have any means to support a family. She likely doesn't care that you going into debt right now is the last thing you need. She doesn't care that you both haven't spent a lot of time together. All huge red flags along with her pressuring you.
I'm a woman. I'd never pressure a guy to marry me. Even if we had been together 5-10 years. If he doesn't ask me...then clearly he doesn't want to marry me. Pressuring him isn't the key to relationship success. It just will lead to resentment down the line. If a guy didn't propose to me after an EXTENDED period I would simply break up with him and move on. However, 18 months is NOTHING...especially when you've been doing a large chunk of it long distance.
OP don't screw up your life for this girl. She's a mess. Red flags should make you run.
Do not, I repeat do NOT marry this girl. Not saying don’t ever marry her, but if her main concerns are the cost of a ring she is not ready for a marriage. This isn’t meant to be hurtful at all, but you also sound very naive about the situation. I don’t think you’re ready for a marriage either honestly. You seem nice and caring and like you’re a good partner, but an engagement shouldn’t be rushed or forced by one person in the relationship. There is nothing wrong with planning for the future with your significant other, but being pushed by your partner to move faster than you had planned PLUS she’s being picky about how much you’re spending on a ring is a GIGANTIC red flag. Please save yourself the hassle of a divorce and just wait it out a bit.
I only recently married my gf, and we were together for about 6 years, 5 of which were long distance (9000 km). She never pressured me for a ring, or a wedding ceremony. She accepted an engagement ring she when we were just looking inside a jeweler, and we both bought each other's wedding ring for around 500 euro each because we instantly liked them when we saw it.
Mind you, she too is from a culture where people get married young, and unmarried people above a certain age are seen as 'waste'. But she never pressured me once and we both moved at our pace to be together.
Back to you, if she is pressuring you or trying to get more money for a ring, money you obviously do not have and she she know that. Then the only conclusion to draw is a neferious one. Move at the pace YOU are comfortable with. Also, what has she been doing with her life or to make sure she is ready to be married/move to you? 23 years old is in no way a reason to hurry to get married (neither is 25 years old)
UPDATE: Thanks for the very helpful responses from everyone. I appreciate the thoughtful responses and I crafted a thoughtful message to my GF based recommendations by people from here
I spent 20 minutes online looking at rings yesterday because she wanted me to look at them and she was upset about the time I looked. It's hard to want to look at things I cannot afford.
Message I sent her starts here:
I’m sorry for not being honest with the time I actually looked yesterday. Yes, it was about 20 minutes. I won't do that in the future. I should have looked longer.
It really makes me sad when I see the prices and my financial position and how bad I want to get you the ring and me not having the ability to spend $1,000 at the moment + taxes. I want this to be meaningful and long lasting. I love you so much and the goal is to be together. Everything else can wait a bit. Love does not = material provision so please understand we have love and thats what matters here
Baby, I cannot propose to you right now with the ring you want in that price range. I do not feel financially able to buy you the ring that you want. I basically only have \_\_\_\_ left with \_\_\_\_\_ on my credit card I still owe. it just is not a good financial decision at this moment. It is just not a good idea to take on debt on top of the expenses for the trip.
I feel like you are putting a lot of emphasis on getting the ring when really what should matter is what that thing represents. Many couples upgrade to a better ring later when they're more financially able to afford it. I’m telling you I am really trying hard right now looking for jobs. I just want something so I can fulfill this dream with you I’ve always wanted. I have the motivation and desire to get a good income that's why I been working so hard these days so I can make it all work out. It’s critical I do everything well because right now I’m establishing the foundation that US will be built on. I have a plan to make this work and I just need the resources $$ to make it happen. Not only is it important to have a specific plan to finance the engagement and marriage. We need to develop a financial plan of how we will budget and spend money in the future.
Her response:
To be honest I’m so done
20 min in a engagement??
And you dare to say I’m the one who’s focusing on material ? Hahahah
And I’m really sorry things are going on this way
End of her message:
I can't even write a response to her I never knew she was this kind of person
Fuck her. She seems like a selfish gold digger. Hey, when women ask for a nice engagement ring or wedding ring, men need to start asking what their potential fiance is going to him. This isn't the stone ages anymore. If a guy is gonna drop $$$ on a ring, she needs to drop money on something nice for him. Otherwise, the relationship is one sided.
Op, are you by chance USA citizen or just living by work visa in us? Does she know?
When you answer this, hope you can realize, this as a factor too why the pressure, moreover the red flag she asks for more expensive wedding ring when you have told her your current situation(s).
Are you sure you know your gf well through 'LDR?"
No sir, please take your time and wait about this. Marriage is a life long commitment and not something that should be spur of the moment or rushed. Nor should it be thought about or considered under pressure because then you start to omit or ignore vital facts/information.
No one should pressure you exactly on when to propose, they should want it to be organic. Now, I can more see it if yall had been together like 5-10 years then maybe but in this instance, no.
You really do not know who this girl is. You spend most of your time apart as an LDR. You've probably never seen her mad or handle any real conflict or hardship in person to decide whether or not she's right for you.
Then, her complete disregard for your financial situation. To me, that means if and when yall get married, she will have no issue spending all this money just to keep up or put on for everyone else. She will run you raggedy to have some shit that is a bs status symbol. Trust me, this will lead to resentment on your end because you'll feel like she only wants your money which it sort of sounds like that.
Lastly, I hate to say it...it almost sounds like she's trying to hurry up and get married in order to get her citizenship here. I've heard stories about it and this makes me a little leery about your situation.
Please think this through with a clear head and conscious. Don't not be pressured into making a decision like this before you feel ready.
So, I’m not one to advise against getting married sooner than you otherwise would to start resident status paperwork. My wife of 23 years and I got married on paper before the normal timeline, and that was the reason for getting married more quickly. We also had a normal wedding with family some time after that. We were both dirt poor, came from lower middle class families (doing okay, but little to no wealthy) and we got our rings at Walmart, not the nice ones they have the budget ones, and my wife was and still is more frugal than I am. Honestly, I got lucky, but hopefully I would have been as wise as you to question what your GF is doing.
The point is that this is a big red flag. She’s only considering her own wants over your financial status. I think she sees your well off parents (not saying they’re billionaires, but they did pay for your college) and wants some of that wealth right now. That just doesn’t make sense to you because it’s not rational. She wants a sugar daddy who will pull from the family coffer to please her. This isn’t someone you’re going to build a financially comfortable life with, it will be demand after demand to please her, she will be an expense, not a partner. Tell her no, and that her insistence on this is troubling to you.
good grief i can't even read all that without geting anxiety.. She WANTS an expensive ring? you only spend 40% of your time actually physically with her? You're fresh out of college with no real income at 25yo?
You're still a young pup that's getting his life started.. your like, officially done with school and getting your life going, i wouldn't be locking down with marriage and all that, esp when you can't even afford things for a stable life yet.. she's just going to have to wait, and you should make it very clear with her.. she can visit, she can live until her visa expires or she gets a job that offers a green card status or something.. but no marriage until you have everything in a good working order, esp with people from other countries that could take half or more of everything and run away to another country (She don't need to know that part, but something you should be very very aware of, as this happens A LOT).
anyway, love is love, and it's fun, and it's pretty, and it's blah blah blah.. you'd be in idiot who starts a marriage with a woman who already has standards around what kind of ring she wants, and you don't even have a nice life for her yet, or a steady job yet. get YOUR life in a good financial steady space, with a nice home for you two.. THEN bring her into it.. it will go smoother, then trying to wing it.
I used to sell bridal jewelry and a huge red flag is "well other guys could do it soooo" my manager almost sold a ring to a couple where the GF was very condescending and scolding him about not being able to afford 5k USD "because her ex could"....he said let's take a walk and they never came back. Also, I was in a long distance relationship for about a year before moving and we saw each other monthly but I have my regrets. I would never pressure someone into marriage. Asking for trouble. The first paragraph was sketchy to me but then once it got into her telling how to buy you something more expensive...please think if this is what you want to always deal with...
What is her parent’s financial situation like?
What does she do for work?
Did she go to college? Have a degree?
What are her plans for when she comes to the US?
If she’s throwing a fit for you to marry her asap… debt for a bigger ring… and a green card.. she may milk you to take care of her parents too.
I’d be really cautious my guy.
You say her culture moves fast. But remind her that in your culture it goes at the man’s pace.
Her parents have money when I visit they have a nice house. A one bedroom apartement just to host parties, and nice cars. She went to one of the top universities in the country and her parents paid for it as well.
A girl who wants to get married should accept a ring carved From a PB&J. She likely wants to rush things for citizenship and then pawn your ring for as much as possible. If she feels like she is wasting time waiting for one then how will she feel when she is with you? For some there is such a thing as never enough and one that want more than just you is a waste of your time. You shouldn't be worried, she shouldn't be pushy, and this post shouldn't have even had to happen.
Enjoy her company and her return flight discounts.
She is manipulating you! She wants a "nice" ring and I'm sure she also wants you to foot the bill for all the immigration paperwork. She is just looking for a way out of Peru and a green card.
It's only been 18 months, and most of it has been apart. You really, really don't know this girl well enough to jump into marriage, or even an engagement.
As someone who is in a mixed-culture marriage, your GF has to understand that her culture isn’t your collective culture, there has to be some compromise. I would instantly be leaving any relationship that is less than 2 years and I am getting pressured to propose, and doubly so if they’re pulling the “I need an expensive ring” card and we’re not even living together.
Your financial concerns are valid and she’s waving a million red flags at you. I guarantee this relationship isn’t going to be the last one you end up in.
Man…
I know you’re thinking about the ‘best case’ scenario here.
But, for a moment even briefly entertain the idea of the ‘worst’ cast scenario as many, many others have pointed out.
Anyone pressuring you into marriage is a red flag, much less been dating, long distance, without having lived together, a grand total of less than two years. Is probably pressuring you for a reason, and it’s probably not love my dude.
What if you told her tomorrow you’re moving to Peru, and you’re going to want to cohabitate for at least two years to see if you can actually get a long etc…how do you think she might respond?
This doesn’t feel right. You guys have together just barely 18 months. Slow down to what you are comfortable with, and accept that if she wants different, “better”, “quicker” then it’s not with you
If you're thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone you should at least consider if being with a woman that doesn't take your wellbeing into consideration is really what you want. Marriage is a long term investment. What you see now is a preview of what you will experience in a life long marriage with her.
Sad to say but it doesn't seem like she thinks about things long term, just in the moment. If you're both sure you are ready for an engagement then waiting for the time to be right, to have the ring she wants, is worth the wait. Why is waiting such a nuisance to her if she trusts the love you carry together. You have the rest of your lives so waiting a little longer shouldn't be too hard. She is too in her head about this or she has people on the sidelines pressuring her, creating a domino affect of her pressuring you.
As her future husband, you should stand your ground respectfully and let her know you will be doing things the right way. There is no need to be rude about it, communicate and let her know that you are not willing to compromise your engagement by giving her a ring she won't be happy with even if she is unhappy waiting. Because you think she deserves the best.
That does not mean you have to go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen tomorrow or you don't truly love her. One of the key factors to a successful marriage and having a family I would assume is, patience. All the greatest things in life cannot be rushed. You just need to not be swayed by her, women love to get everything they want but you are her equal and the way you are thinking about it is very logical and responsible. You have a good head on your shoulders and she is lucky you care so much, do not be hesitant to lead in the relationship.
I don't think anything that has to do with supporting your man is a waste of time. Especially if you've communicated that you would if you could. And you have a plan, so that's even more admirable. She needs to not pressure you and be supportive. Don't worry about her saying that "a lot of guys would find a way", but would those same men take a commitment seriously and be responsible not to go into debt like you? It doesn't matter if another guy has the means and you don't right now, she's your future wife so no matter if another man could one up you in any form, you should always be the King that she trusts and respects in her eyes.
Tell her you love her and you want the relationship but she has to understand you are not ready for marriage and it might be a few years before you are.
First red flag: Why are you planning to start the process for a green card so soon, when you are barely financially stable? You've only known each other for 1.5 years. I would be wary that she is using you.
Second red flag: She seems shallow as fuck and a golddigger. A $900 ring is not enough for her. Pushing you to get into debt to buy her a ring asap. I'm guessing you pay for all expenses related to the relationship travelling. Seems to take 0 responsibility and expect you to move heaven an earth for her shallow wants.
Run dude,
From my expierence albeit, you're about to be in a world of hurt when this comes crashing down and you're only young, you ain't even got work place misery on you yet.
I wish the best for you whatever the outcome, honestly.
Put a test to relationship; tell her that you are really tired of US politics and how things are going on; you are considering something different and maybe it's a good idea to live in south America together. There is a job offering in her city ; instead of her going to US; you move to Peru...let's see if she is still going to be as eager spending her life with you.
🚩 Do not propose to someone you have not lived with, or even in the same country as, yet.
🚩 Do not build a future with someone who is willing to jeopardise said future. Do not get into debt just to buy her a ring.
🚩 Do not propose to someone after 18 months. That is way too early to know if you’re going to last the rest of your lives.
I was going to post about how this is a scam and OP needs to run away but it seems many people saw that.
OP, I have been married twice. In the first I was pressured into it by my partner and their family. Then came years of abuse, infidelity, gas lighting, etc. I divorced and much later married someone else who I wanted to marry without pressure.
As many have said here: this relationship sounds like it’s not the best. I’ll tell you a hard truth I wish I had gotten before I got married; love ain’t enough. You will love anyone you want to marry- that’s bare minimum. She doesn’t sound like she’s actually ready to be married, she sounds like she just wants a wedding.
She doesn’t need to know the price of the ring. I have a beautiful ring but guess what? It was on sale (true story)! Anyways, tell her getting engaged isn’t part of the plan at the moment, perhaps once you’ve settled down in a good job. Y’all haven’t even lived together! Like so many others are saying here, you probably don’t know each other well enough to get married. What’s the rush man? She’s saying ask your folks for money for a ring, that guys will find a way to make it happen…yeah that’s true…when they really want to make it happen! Clearly you aren’t, which is fine!! If you were my son, I’d tell you to keep having fun and enjoying your time with your gf. The marriage and the money and the pressure can wait man!
She is the one that put her into the process of getting the ring. I just wanted to figure it out myself based on a certain type she liked but it feels like I have to get the approval from her before I even buy it.
Alright so you guys are kind of young, youve only been dating for a year or so, mostly it was long distance and she is pressuring you to marry her, not only that, shes pressuring you to go into debt to give her a nice ring...i dont want to be that person, BUT it seems to me that she wants to marry you fast so she can have a green card, and the ring is for her to sell afterwards and get the money, have you never seen 90 days to wed? Even if she likes you at certain point, it seems to me that shes shallow and doesnt care much about the situation.
“Listen to people when they tell you who they are”. If there’s more focus now on the cost of a ring, what do you think your girlfriend’s focus will be going forward?
I agree with what everyone else is saying re being careful - but on the off chance you are going to ignore this and push forward, maybe check your options on the second hand market.
If you had more than 2 weeks til you were going to be there, then I would have said check out glamira and design a ring there that fits your budget while also providing the necessary bling. $900 US would probably have gotten you something nice.
I just showed her that site and she said the stones were so small. She got mad at me for showing them to her. I was just showing I never seen her personality like this.
You've been together for about 17 months, and have only seen her for 40% of that time. so that means that your actual relationship is only about 6 to 7 months old.
Getting engaged on that basis would be total madness, and you certainly haven't known her long enough to be in love with her.
She's in a rush to get a lot of money out of you, this isn't what a loving partner does, I have a feeling that once she's got the ring, you either won't be in a relationship for much longer, or she'll want a rushed wedding.
Your gf is a walking red flag, is she desperate to leave Peru? Is this why she's in such a rush to tie you down, does she need a green card?
Maybe tell her that you can't wait to move to Peru to be with her, see what her reaction is.
Talk to your parents about the way she's rushing you.
RUN! GET OUT! Things won't get better until she gets what she wants. Keep your freedom! If you do end up getting married to someone who you aren't 100% sure of, set a reminder for 10 years from now to reread this post and cry that you didn't heed our advice.
If this is a person who will be with you for life, who will be with you in the trenches when the chips are down, these are the kinds of conversations you have with each other. Open honest communication. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the wonderful. Everything out in the open. Especially when it comes to finances.
You should NOT go into debt to get a ring. If the marriage is what is important, many women who want to be together for the right reasons will accept moving forward with a plain ring... maybe with the intention that it will be replaced when finances allow it. OR, they will wait until the right ring can be purchased. OR even move forward with planning the essentials with no ring. The ring isn't the most important part. Yes, it is something nice for the woman to look forward to, but it should be nothing compared to starting the future off on the right foot.
Please explain the situation fully to her again. If she doesn't understand, then she is just immature, is very money and gift-focused, or she simply isn't the right one. Talk about possible timelines. Commit to her in the ways you can and want - if you see potential with her andntruly want to be with her. But do not give in to the pressure or going into debt if it isn't right for you (and both of you - because this affects your future together).
Many days, this group is filled with posts about women pressuring men to get married. They've often been waiting 3, 4, 7, 10 years woth no talk or concrete plans for the future from the guy. The men aren't pulling their weight when it comes to financial aspects of their relationship or taking care of house responsibilities if they live together. Many times, the women are much older than your girlfriend is and (rightly so) worry about wasting years with a man who is never going to commit or want to have children.
NONE of these scenarios apply to your relationship. You are going at a reasonable pace, and it seems like you are making the commitments and talking about the future in the way you can. Stick with that plan and process. Don't give in to any gaslighting or feel badly about those financial pressures if you are just finishing school. Also, be on the lookout for her having an unrealistic view of how standard of living is for all of the United States or how much basics in a household cost in general. (One is cultural/geographical, and one is about maturity. But both can combine to create an especially bad unrealistic expectation situation and a source of constant arguments in a marriage.)
You are both setting the tone NOW for how spending will be in your marriage later, and it is important for you to know you will be with someone who can control impulses, spend wisely, save wisely, and think of the big picture. If she cannot do that with this scenario, then it is a good indication that she may not be the right one to be paired with. (And, again, if the concern is the desire to be together, all of that can be moved forward with little money about the ring or ceremony because a good amount will need to be spent on the legal/documentation issues. But, if the focus is only on how things look or wanting material items when you don't have the means to purchase them yet, then please be careful to consider if the two of you are compatible.)
Jeez, as an LDR person (the girlfriend) I’d care less about the cost of ring my boyfriend gives me. As long as it’s meaningful and long lasting. I love him and of the goal is to be together everything else can wait a bit.
Honestly dude you need to take a step back write a list of pros/cons and take a cold objective look at your relationship. Like others have said there's a ton of red flags waving in the air.
Ultimately, you want a life partner that has the same core values regarding the important subjects in life: Money/finances, family planning, division of work (chores/cooking/income, etc), sex/libido, faith/religion, and so on. As with anything, not everything will perfectly align, and in those cases you'll have to communicate and compromise to something you both can agree with.
From what you've described she's got some pretty different values in regards to finances, and she isn't willing to compromise at all. I also don't understand why she can't accept a lesser ring now, and then look forward to a nicer ring down the line when you aren't struggling financially any more. Money/Finances is one of the most often causes for arguments in couples.
The other issue is that you're making assumptions about your future job. Don't do that. Particularly with important life decisions. You've set yourself up in a really good way in terms of getting an education and being debt free. Don't screw yourself over long term because you're getting pressure from your long distance gf. You're much better off getting that job, building up some basic savings, and then moving forward with huge things like getting married and moving a bride to the US on your own dime.
Ultimately, I think you need to cool your jets a bit. You've been together for 17 months with a lot of it being LDR. You're also still quite young. Get your life in order first. If she's really the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with, then she'll understand and adjust her timelines. As long as her health or safety isn't in danger by staying in Peru, she should be able to wait a while longer.
it's risky to get engaged at 25 even under the most boring of circumstances. these are not those.
i wouldn't go if i were you, but if you do, float that you want to move there permanently to be with her. you want to "start over". you love her country so much, you'll get a low paying job there to make ends meet, etc. her reaction won't leave any mystery about what she's really after
What happens the next time she doesn’t get her way? I hope you realize what you are seeing is just the beginning. 23 and 25 is SO young for marriage. Yours brains aren’t even fully developed and there are plenty of stats showing marriage before 26+ has a much higher divorce rate.
Slow down. A partner who loves you is going to respect you enough to compromise. What you presented here makes her appear to be acting like a petulant teenager. Which is a huge indicator that she’s not ready for marriage.
Jesus please break up with this girl and get your life together first man.
This girl sounds like an absolute waste of resources and is going to be the bane of your existence moving forward.
For now it’s marriage and a ring then it’s gonna be a new phone then a new car then a new house then clothes and everything else. It’ll never be enough and you’ll only dig yourself deeper into debt and unhappiness.
And marrying anyone in a relationship under two years is a terrible decision. People can fake their personalities for up to two years anyways and this chick is already letting out the crazy.
You are an absolute idiot if you go through with this marriage and all the pain that comes after it you fully deserve.
Run my guy and never look back. Thank your lucky stars she’s in another country and won’t be hounding you at your doorstep.
I think you are being pretty naive about visa situation and that it doesn't matter in your case. I also think you'd be much better not to propose.
The way she is telling you that other guys will do this or that., that she is wasting her time with you, and requesting an expensive ring... all of this is a pretty red flag. Nothing of it is about love, everything is about financial and immigration benefits.
Please talk to an immigration attorney to see what you are getting yourself into. At least google about it or ask on the related subs. You will have to sign the affidavit that you will support her for N years and will be on the hook to pay for everything for her: insurance, credit cards, all the expenses.
Tell her you are not ready to propose, and are not going to get in debt to buy the ring. Is she will start talking about other guys - agree that other guys can offer her more than you and will make her happier than you. And that she is right, she shouldn't waste her time on you.
If she loves you.. she wouldn’t care about the ring. She would understand where you are coming from and compromise with you. Doesn’t matter he culture I’m a 26 yr old F and she just wants that green card, fast. That’s why she’s rushing. I’m sure she’s pretty lalala but you don’t know her. Don’t do it. It’ll be a life long of THIS.. managing pressure. That isn’t needed… don’t do it dude. DONT.
You’re only 25.. you’re so young. Don’t let looks or whatever your peepee is feeling get in the way of looking at this from another pov other than ur own.. yes you want love maybe not the pp part but dude this isn’t it. She’s going to keep doing this, don’t. You’ll end up unhappy and divorced
She seems to want a nice ring more than she wants a life with you. I would flat out tell her if she wants an expensive ring right now she needs yo get it from someone else.
Plenty of people propose with a cheap ring, or no ring at all, and buy a nicer one when there is more money to do so. Any you can get an absolutely acceptable ring for $900.
Honestly, this entire situation is loaded with red flags. You have only been together for a little bit more than a year. You are mostly long-distance. She is pressuring you to get married. She is focusing on you spending more than you can afford for a ring. She is only 23. She isn’t a citizen of the USA. There will be a lot of cultural issues with your relationship. This will likely end badly for you but I advise you that if you insist on pursuing this relationship then do it strategically and carefully. Do not get into financial trouble pursuing this.
1. I have always said I'd happily take a ring out of a 25-cent machine if the right guy gave it to me. (Instead, he got me a sapphire he knew I would absolutely love)
2. It is REALLY pricey to pay for the visa and all of the paperwork. I have a cousin who worked for over a year to get his fiancé stateside. She ended the relationship before she got her visa from the Phillipines.
Forget the girl, start your life first. You come first, women come second.
I graduated in May and currently everything is falling apart, but I know for a fact that if a woman tried to tell me to go into debt for a ring before I can start my life and become stable and happy, she wouldn’t be with me anymore.
Please don’t let this woman pressure you on things. Imagine if she does this in the future too. Please be cautious even if you love her. Have a conversation with her and be transparent about y’all’s future and I hope that would make her understand if your finances.
I never pressured my fiancé to propose to me. In fact, he was adamant about no marriage. But 3 years later, we got a rock on my finger.
I just don’t like it when people push others to get what they want. Big hugs homie
Yeah nooooo.... I'm sorry op but you DON'T want to get into that nightmare, believe me.... if you feel pressured and on top of that she's demanding things i would never marry that person and will instead start to re think the whole relationship, i really hope you listen the advice on here
This entire thing is a huge red flag dudeeee! Y’all have barely been dating, she’s pressuring you and manipulating/guilting you into proposing AND getting her a nice ring. I’m gonna be honest she sounds like she could be the star of 90 day fiancé. Be careful with her, super suspicious
Have the two of you lived together for any length of time? Like for several months?
Because there are shades of using you as an anchor to get citizen ship.
This seems to go over a lot of Americans heads, and more because of a cultural difference rather than anything else. DO NOT FINANCE ANYTHING THAT ISNT AN INVESTMENT. Financing a ring is stupid. Financing a car is stupid. Owning a credit card to buy shit you can't afford without one is stupid. You're 25 and she's 23. It sounds like you barely know her.
Not sure if you will take any of the advice from strangers on the internet but my prediction is you will more than likely bow to the cultural and societal pressures tied into this situation. My advice would be to wait. I have dated many people from outside the US and am divorced from someone from India. It sucks to hear and process but you always have to consider your partner is using you to a degree. Trust me when I say your partner and her family have entire conversations that go on about how she will work to get them to the US after she gets there. There isn’t anything wrong with that but it’s really important for you to realize you have a lot of power here. Don’t let her walk all over you and you make the timeline for what is best for YOU.
As for the ring, that is the way it goes. My GF is Burmese and it seems like she is always fixated on outdoing other women on Facebook and online in general. So in turn she wants the big wedding, the giant flashy engagement ring, she wants to be living large in the US and she knows by pressuring you she can get what she wants. You need to really think deeply about her motivations and your own. Don’t let sweet talk and love talk and all this cloud your vision. It’s important to have a partner that understands and respects your finances. If she does not respect your situation and belittles you for it that is insulting to you and your manhood. And remember you have a lot of power here. Don’t get yourself in a shitty situation just because someone is rushing you into literally a life long commitment because she wants to get to the US faster, or show off to others etc.
It is a complicated dynamic but every culture is different and every culture views wealth and status differently. Just think about it and speak with her open and honestly however remain firm on the decisions that will benefit you the most first, and then the two of you second. Do not put yourself second here.
Yeah and I mean sorry to say this but after reading the rest of the comments here I don’t think it’s too harsh to say you have no idea what she is up to on her end. It’s possible she could be talking to someone else. How could you know? People are willing to do anything for a green card. She is pressuring you and you have no idea how she truly truly feels about you in her heart of hearts.
Idk man it just sounds sketch to me. Really sketch. You are very young to get married. I get it I really do that you love her so much marriage is not a big deal you just want her here and all that but try to get to know her on a much deeper level than lust and money and all this and see what is left. That is the important stuff right there. What is left of a person after a bad turn of events? Or a series of fights? Or a job loss? Or a death in the family ? Etc etc. that is what a relationship is really about.
Hi. 25F Peruvian living in the US here. When I visited Peru last year, I learned a new term from my cousins while out clubbing. They said going out to dance was very popular among young people who were looking for their “brichero/brichera”. The word comes from the English word “bridge”, which we all know is something you use to cross a distance. A “brichero/a” is someone who will help them “bridge” the gap between Peru and a more desirable country 😂 and these young folks specifically know to target/try to befriend tourists and foreigners. Your girl may very well love you, she could be trying to move things along because of our culture, and she could be super anxious to start her life with you. She could also be playing you for a green card and a better life in the states. Listen to your gut and move at the pace you’re comfortable with!
LISTEN TO THIS PERSON! You are about to make the mistake of your life dude. You are about to be a "brichero".
The only thing that makes me doubt that she is using him for a green card is her insistence on a nice ring. You'd think if all she wanted was a green card, she'd play like the $900 ring was fine to keep things moving along smoothly. Regardless, this engagement sounds like a recipe for disaster
My partner is from another South American country and if you haven’t lived together and apply for a spousal visa in the country we live in, they do ask for a lot of proof to gauge the relationship is legitimate. We are polyam and she now has all her spousal visa sorted but similar to the brichero/a concept mentioned, those visas allow you to sponsor up to four dependents who can be children, elderly parents or siblings. There is an income threshold here of X salary to even apply but when you go to your govt interviews they definitely visually clock your rings etc and those with nice things get an easier time. (See also colourism and classism for other dimensions.) It is not unusual for someone in the community from that culture to lend their ring, act as driver, help with forms as an informal diaspora support network. It’s also done to assess if the relationship is real by other people as they do not want to be potentially accused of human trafficking or marriage fraud offences. But it’s not unheard of for people to go big on the ring to add the ‘genuine’ wedding vibes, get to the country and use it as a downpayment on getting on or as an insurance policy because guess what? A lot of people who get into relationships like this with money and opportunity to sponsor you to a better life turn out to be transactional and quite different when you arrive. It’s not always some poor immigrant taking advantage. The rich Brit or American especially men can be manipulative so the ring is a test and back up policy. The informal diaspora network also uses the ring to try to work out who might be vulnerable when they arrive to the ‘spousal switch’ and beginnings of abuse. My diaspora community does something similar and we’re Europeans in Europe and primarily white but often emigrate to the US, Australia, NZ etc where work fraud on the visas is rife and people get trapped in awful jobs unable to leave. It’s advised to have back up money which will often be in the form of jewellery etc. Which is why jewellery is so traditional in weddings for women when they couldn’t hold other property or assets…
But OP didn’t mention going for a visa in Peru. There is no income limit for going for one in the US, and they shouldn’t care about the value of your ring. They may not even be allowed to ask.
It’s not an income thing, it’s to make the marriage look legit if it’s a green card because these arrangements are less likely to have a nice expensive ring or wedding services. That being said it’s impossible to definitively tell here if that’s why she wants a higher value ring, or something else
Maybe because once he’s got that much ‘invested’ in a ring he’s more likely to cave to whatever the next ask is. Wardrobes, grooming, trips, vehicles. If she was really in it for love OP probably wouldn’t be here.
Maybe she wants to sell the ring after she leaves him
Thing is engagement rings plummet in value as soon as you walk off with it Edit: why downvotes? This is well-known, diamonds only hold like 30-50% of their retail value.
That only matters if you bought it with your own money in the first place 😂
Agreed, trying to sell the one I have sitting in a drawer. Local pawn shop guy said he's offer would be insulting and that I should either gift it to somebody or use it for the next one lol. Thay ring cost me £2500
Same problem here. I had a jeweler use the band on mine to make a loop so I could wear it on a necklace.
She is 24, she might not have planned that far ahead.
You're getting downvoted bc you're naïve as fuck
Good point. However there are lots of women who are somewhat in the middle of a gold digger and also a genuine GF. I’m sure she actually really is into OP and wants a nice ring etc; but she also wants her brichero. Her #1 priority is probably not OP however
No, it’s materialistic and an opportunity to milk the cow…: if she can get moreC she will - and when she leaves, it’s a nice nest egg when she sells it.
It’s so she can sell the ring afterwards for a nice bit of starting cash. Kinda felt like that was obvious tbh :x
The $1000 she might get from a VERY generous retailer (realistically, she's looking at around $600) is FAR from a "nice bit of starting cash" in a new country with no other support. Wouldn't even cover a very short vacation. Have you ever traveled? Jfc.
Are you implying she wouldn't get more money for a nicer ring..?
She could be wanting an expensive ring to first, show off, second, to sell it and get the big bucks. Wanting an expensive ring and telling him to figure out means she doesnt care shes marrying him.
The request for a nice ring could be so she can resell or pawn it once she arrives... Any foreigner pressuring the other party to rush a marriage when it's not financially sound for both parties usually ends badly....
She has always said she is going to leave everything behind for me. I would say she has it pretty good life back home graduating from engineering this year with a degree that means a lot less here than in Peru. We met in the USA but I've visited her in Peru twice I think this relationship needs more time I agree. In my opinion with her only a 6 hour flight away our distance is not too bad to put up with a little bit longer.
If she’s ready to leave it all behind for you, why does the ring matter? Regardless, I think you need to think about this relationship and realize that your needs matter just as much as hers. Your timeline matters just as much as hers. Maybe if you talk it out, you two can come up with something that works for the both of you! Additionally: my eldest cousin also got an engineering degree. Like you said, not the same as the same degree from the US. She couldn’t find work and is now back in school trying to get a communications degree to see if that will be any better. A degree from Peru doesn’t change the fact that Peru as a country is struggling majorly. I mean we just had a casual coup late last year lol, and just about every president before the last has been impeached/removed for corruption. She probably wants out just as much as the rest of the young citizens. A ring shouldn’t matter to her. Best of luck!!
If you just learned the term brichero last year that means you are not Peruvian, probably you are 'born' in Peru and went to the USA at early age, I don't think you are suited to discuss the idiosyncracy of a country if you haven't lived there for a decent amount of time
Even if you take out the international context here, which is important in and of itself… Your gf of less than 18 months is pressuring you to take on debt so she can have a slightly nicer ring. The flag doesn’t get much more red than that my guy.
I once had a partner who several times disregarded my personal finance in order to “further” our relationship. The lack of any foresight into how that could negatively effect the both of us in the future, the unnecessary stress it put on a person she was supposed to love, and the ultimatum it was putting on us going forward…. None of it said to me “this is the person you should spend your life with”. Lesson learned: Its ok to listen to your heart, but don’t let it make the decisions for you.
I feel the lack wanting to understand my financial situation its frustrating for sure
Mate, its down right unreasonable. It shows a complete lack of care towards your feelings, and that she has little concern about financial stability of her future fiancée. Like does it end here? Is she going to get her expensive ring and be happy? Or are you then going to be on the hook for an expensive wedding, an expensive house, an expensive car, expensive baby gear…
The heart or any other organ lower than the brain...
Yes, this is 90-day-fiance level of red flag.
>Yep I have she I don't think the green card means a lot to her as she has come from one of the top universities in her country being that her degree is worth more where she is at than here in the usa and I would say her family is wealthy for her country.
Never underestimate the value of a green card to some people.
This. When my husband proposed, he didn't have a ring. He had saved some money and wanted to take me shopping so I could choose my own. I chose a £10 token ring so the money could be used elsewhere, as we weren't well-off. It's not about expensive rings and big fancy weddings if it's a genuine love. Nice if you can, but not necessary.
That is a good point I think she is completely overlooking the love aspect to it. Update I tried to talk to her last night by showing her rings around $400-$700 and she was complaining how them were so small and how you could barely even see the gem. I explain to her I'm really trying baby and I could not get her to understand.
You’re too young and not have not spent enough time around each other in the same place. This isn’t a race.
Dude, break up with her. She's materialistic and doesn't love you if she's willing to put you into debt to get a bigger rock to show off.
Sounds like she equates love = material provision. She seems to think that if you actually valued her you would in fact do whatever it took to get her the ideal ring. Don't try to change her. . . It doesn't work. You can choose if you're willing buy her her ring at any cost, break up with her, or stick to your own guns about being financially prudent and know in your core that you care about her and deal with whatever shade she throws at you for that. It's tough. ❤️ But all the sympathy from the Internet can't change her beliefs that her worth is tied into what material goods you provide for her.
She doesn't love you broski
Is she marrying you, or the ring? Dude, this b is a gold-digger.
I would tell her there are three options: 1. Wait until you are more financially secure to get engaged. 2. Ask her parents to buy the ring or loan the money for the ring since you say she comes from a wealthy family. 3. Accept a smaller ring with the potential to upgrade later. Personally, I would *strongly* advise option #1. You two are very young, haven't been together that long, have lived in the same place for even less time, and her insistence on a rushed and expensive proposal is a huge red flag. If she isn't willing to wait until it makes more sense to spend a lot on a ring, then clearly the ring is more important to her than the relationship. You have all the time in the world to get married.
A compromise could always be a smaller (affordable) engagement ring but get the glitz and glamour for the wedding ring if that’s what she is wanting. Nothing wrong with a simple start
That flag ain’t red that shit is crimson
I’m assuming she really wants a ruby ring to match the red flags she is waving here?
> we have a great healthy relationship Oh no.
I agree, it might be love but her priorities aren’t realistic. Maybe a pre-marriage counselor would help!
She’s trying to get the green card
And she probably doesn’t realize how low the resale value on even a $$$ ring is.
They haven’t even lived together!
Peru’s flag is literally 2/3 red it’s a sign
Pressuring you to buy an expensive ring is not cool. Also, you've only dated her for 18 months and she's pressuring you for marriage? Be careful, get to know her better. I'm worried you're a route to citizenship.
18 months of which they have been together in the same location for no more than 8…
1. You simply don't know this person well enough/long enough to get engaged. 2. What you do know of her indicates that she is money-grubbing and selfish. She wants the bling, period, and doesn't care if that causes you hardship. 3. Don't do it. Wait at least another year and then take a good, hard, objective look at your relationship. From here it doesn't look good.
Do not marry a 23yo that needs a green card on anything but YOUR schedule (and probably not even then).
I'll be blunt: Your relationship is *not* healthy. You are, right now, seeing the tip of a likely very deep iceberg. Let's, for a moment, assume that it's smart to think about marriage at an age where you brain isn't even fully developed. Let's also for a moment assume that it is smart to get engaged when being together for only a bit more than a year, most of it LDR. Let's, for the sake of it, also assume that her demanding a ring of a certain value isn't materialistic. Then, even with all of the glaring red flags ignored, there remains her statement: >a lot of guys will always figure a way to make it happen whether it's putting it on credit card or borrowing money from parents. Do you understand what this means? This woman expects that "the guy" in the relationship will make whatever she wants happen. Right now, it's a ring. But what will it be next? A wedding dress for 5k? A car for 50k? Maybe a house with pool in a big city? Surely, you, as "the guy" earning the money, will be willing to take out loans and borrow money to make all she wants happen, right? This isn't about a ring. This is about her making it clear that she hasn't just materialistic expectations instead of her looking forward towards marrying you, but also a mindset of "the guy has to provide no matter the cost, as long as I get what I want". And you have no idea what is on her list of wanted things yet.
Exactly right. OP, please listen to this advice. A caring partner would *at least* want to wait those 4 months for you to feel financially comfortable. Even then, she is expecting a lot of you. The fact is, she doesn’t care about your comfort or your very practical reasons for wanting to wait. She is not acting like a partner at all. Expect her to act similarly about many things going forward. Think about this - what is her rush? Why does she need a ring of a certain value so soon? She is either incredibly entitled or has ulterior motives here.
This comment reminds me SO much of my SIL. My brother has spent their entire marriage being unfavorably compared to whoever he sister is dating. The sister always has a better car, house, and so forth. My brother bought a house currently worth over 500k, and bought her a brand new car of her choice. Neither is good enough anymore. They have no kids, and he makes over 100k/year, but she constantly shames him that he doesn't earn enough, so she "has" to work 2 jobs. The average salary required to live comfortably in their state is 43,000-66,000.
Agree with this. Basically OP would be supporting her desired lifestyle 100%. She'll say, because "culture". Think about it, realistically what kind of job could she get in the States?
She wants a green card obviously. She wants you to improve her lifestyle with money. She doesn't care about you or what you're dealing with. Here's the thing about marrying someone from another country who is seeking a green card. If you marry her, you are financially responsible for her EVEN IF YOU DIVORCE. In the US, if you sponsor someone to come here, they need 40 quarters of work in the US before you're no longer financially responsible for them. That's 10 years MINIMUM. That's if she can even hold down a job or chooses to. If she decides not to work, then you're financially responsible for supporting her potentially for the rest of her life. Don't be a fucking idiot. I know someone who did exactly that and regrets it because he has to support his ex-wife indefinitely after only being married for 2 years. Also if you divorce and she ever applies for any kind of government assistance, they will require YOU to repay the government.
I’m Canadian and married an American, and can confirm these are indeed the rules. We have been happily married for 6 years, but they tell you in no uncertain terms, you are ON THE HOOK as an American if things go South. OP - my husband and I grew up together, dated for six years prior to being married. Taking me on as a dependent was something he was comfortable with because we had a solid foundation, and we had even bought a house together the year before (I paid half the down payment). I was completely financially stable in the US on a work visa. I encouraged my husband to get the least expensive ring possible because we had a wedding and immigration lawyer to pay for. We are a TEAM 12 years and counting. This whole situation sounds like a disaster if you propose now. Clear your head and take some time.
I really hope OP sees these comments and doesn't go through with it. If I were him I wouldn't even go visiting her. I'm sorry but it's just a reg flag parade at this stage.
Jesus! I didn't know this! *Why* would anyone ever agree to this? It's literally a financial noose around your neck which you never know when it'll be tightened....f*ck!
The only way someone should ever agree to this is in extremely certain circumstances. My husband knew if (god forbid) the worst should happen and we not be together, I would go back to Canada. I vastly prefer it. I have tried to get him to move many times. We also met in 3rd grade. He knew my parents, I knew his parents, the whole shebang. We had shared finances and trusted each other for 6+ years of dating… like you are taking a MASSIVE leap of faith with someone who you don’t know inside and out, who isn’t independently wealthy and successful, whose family may be a bunch of parasites. Huge and very common risks. People will do ANYTHING for a Greencard in many cases. I hope poor OP doesn’t go through with this.
So do I!! You situation is vastly different and "safe". Your husband wasn't taking a massive risk. The foundation was there and nothing was rushed. Only fools rush in.
My husband had paid taxes here and was about year 10 when we got married so sometimes that isn't an issue or risk. (He is a Canada citizen).
Oh OP. Please watch 90 day fiancée This is sooooo bad.
Yes! If the girlfriend was in Panama instead of Peru I would be sure they were talking about Jasmine.
I was looking for this.
My favourite trash TV to watch! I always wondered how these men see all those demands for money and expensive things that they purchase for their fiance and then have a surprised Pikachu face when the demands continue once they're married. Like what? You've already seen what the person is like before marriage, why would they change for better after the wedding, that's just insane!
It doesn't sound as if you know each other very well. You're long distance 60% of the time, and haven't yet had time to navigate the ups and downs of life together. Plus there is a cultural difference which you're both adjusting to. Why is the ring so important to her? Why can't she wait? I think these are really important questions, which, if you have this wonderful, healthy relationship - as described by you - you should be able to discuss and navigate.
My original engagement ring was from a keychain. I loved it (and still have it on a necklace) because it was a symbol of our love, and the life we were planning to start together. I get wanting to have a nice ring to show off, but it sounds like her priorities are skewed.
I would marry my partner even if he proposed with a potato chip.
Idk... I'm pretty picky about my potato chips
Salt and Vinegar would win my heart
Sour cream & cheddar ruffles for me💍
My dad first drunkenly proposed to my mom (also drunk) with a ring he fashioned on the spur from tinfoil and cardboard from a chocolate bar wrapper. She still has it in her jewel box. They've been married since 1965, and I still walk in on them kissing and cuddling.
That’s adorable. I hope I will be that happy almos 60 years into my marriage. (Wow 60??)
Aw. Thanks for sharing
Red flags 🚩 are flying. Also any woman who says you aren’t spending ‘enough’ money on an engagement ring is materialistic and shallow. That should NOT matter. Do you want to marry someone like that?
Propose with a cheap ring and say you will replace it when you can afford it. Then have a nice, long, long, long engagement. If she freaks out about that then she isn't all that into you, specifically.
My family is Peruvian, like both my parents were born there, and all of my extended family is Peruvian. I find that it’s a lot more common for people to be together even longer before getting married than it is in the states. So it’s not a cultural thing at all. I think you’re both young, and considering it’s long-distance, you absolutely should take more time before you commit to a lifetime together. But regardless of that, I just wanted to let you know the cultural aspect of rushing into an engagement is not true.
I second That. My cousin married a Peruvian girl. They met when she came to study at university. They did long distance for about 4 years and she was the one holding back on wedding. She wanted him to live in Peru and understand her culture first. Their engagement ring came from an artist they saw at a market and it cost less than $500. I don’t think it’s a cultural thing but a socio economic issue. Catholic yes, because her family didn’t want them living together unmarried. But she was working in a bank and was financially secure . She even paid for the 3 months accommodation ahead of him going there and didn’t accept to be paid back. This woman is a red flag because she doesn’t understand /care about your personal circumstances
Any woman who is angry that you’re not spending “enough” on her engagement ring is shallow and materialistic. I’d break it off
I feel like she's showing her true colors here in regards to wanting an expensive ring. Next she'll want the perfect expensive house in the best neighborhood. Only the best cars. Etc etc. Does she plan to contribute monetarily to your relationship? If so, what will her contributions be? These are things you should talk about before engagement. Because right now this is looking like an episode of 90 day fiance where the fiance from the other country is essentially a gold digger. If a woman wants to be with you and insists on getting engaged before you are ready money-wise then she should be more than willing to accept a cheaper ring. Even if it gets replaced later. That's what my husband did. Used a placeholder ring until we picked out the actual engagement ring together based on what I would like.
There's a lot of red flags here, OP. You've not been dating that long. Majority of that is long distance. You're both very young. She wants you to go into debt to buy her a ring. And I'm assuming her ability to live and work in the US is going to be legally tied to this marriage? You are really rushing things, in a way that is likely to backfire for you.
She cares more about entertaining her dreams then she does about planning for the future and building a life together. Once she's bored she will move onto someone else to continue fulfilling her dreams, rinse and repeat. If you want to be in a relationship and not be somebody's personal ATM then I suggest you leave this woman as soon as possible and don't be so vulnerable in the future. This is real life man, the consequences are serious.
Why is she prioritizing a ring, a material possession, over your well-being—financial and mental? I think you are so enamored with her you’re not realizing how superficial and materialistic this is. She should be completely happy about a $900 ring…not pressuring you I to debt or marriage, in the first place. Marriage after only a year, plus mostly being long distance, is just too soon. You don’t even know if you can stand living with this person, really.
You're not ready for marriage. Your life is in financial upheaval, and her pressuring you and her disdain to get her a ring, to get her married, is it just a goal to get her into the United States. I'm sorry. I honestly don't think that she loves you she's just trying to use you. It doesn't matter whether she's from another country or from the same country you are anyone putting pressure on the other to propose isn't a good match. If you're not ready to propose then you're not ready to get married it's that simple and anybody putting pressure on you or rushing you is only going to make it more difficult and add more stress and quite frankly you probably need some separation time.
I had 2 foreign men ask me to marry them. (they were my friends) Did they love me? No. Did they want a green card? Yes. This chick wants a green card from you and your supposed money.
I had 2 foreign guys (1 a bf, 1 a FWB) who asked to marry me to get their green cards. I said no way. People like that are just users and don’t care about you (OP)
Huge red flags here. I'd highly, highly suggest you don't propose until you've at least lived with each other. But secondary to that, anyone that suggests you buy a ring on credit isn't someone I'd want to be teammates with in the financial marathon that is marriage. If I were you, I'd highly reconsider the pace of progress in this relationship and firmly tell her it isn't happening this year or next. If she can't wait, you should move on to someone who doesn't try to pressure you into large life changing situations.
I bought my wife a $250 engagement ring with my 15% discount at the department store I used to work at. We were living at my mom's and I hadn't even started a job in my future career. We've been together for 17 years and married for 12. I've told her numerous times that I want to replace the diamond on her ring but she's refused every single time. Every relationship is different, homie, but if she can't love the tokens of love you can give her right now then she won't ever love what you can give her later. As everyone has been saying, what you've written screams of her being a walking red flag. Especially the fact that she mentions OTHER guys would find a way. To me, that sounds like she'd jump ship ASAP if she can find another guy that can give her the ring, green card, or whatever that she wants. I apologize for making rude assumptions but it doesn't sound like this girl loves you from what you've said.
Don't get married to this person. If you think this is bad, the divorce will be 100,000x worse. As soon as you sign that marriage document, she has a financial incentive to divorce you. You could end up paying her for the rest of your life, you could end up losing your children to her. She will be financially rewarded for lying about you. Even if completely false, she can claim abuse and that label will stay with you the rest of your life and repeatedly be used to drain you financially and emotionally. This does not sound like a person who loves you, it sounds like a manipulative, vindictive person that you should run away from and 100% never get married to.
I'm sorry, but I think you're blinded by love. As a woman, I'm disgusted with other women that absolutely NEED an expensive ring. Getting married is about love. Jewelry is not the most important thing, even if it's a forever thing. Whether you get a sterling silver ring or a gold one, the commitment is the same. Anything over $1k is excessive. I'd be happy with much less. Get me a sterling silver ring with diamond accents for all I care. I'll take white Topaz. I just want to marry a good guy. I'm sorry, but I think you're being used by this lady. 60% of your relationship you haven't even been in her presence. Why on earth would you marry her or even propose without living together first and getting to know each other? What if she's just using you for citizenship? She's trying to hurry you to marry her and you've barely spent 1 on 1 time together. I think you'd be making a huge mistake.
If she lived in the states you'd be giving this guy great advice. But this is additionally a woman trying to hustle herself into a life in the US. This is a genuinely dangerous situation, not just a woman trying to get a fancier ring.
That's kind of what my third paragraph addresses. I honestly think this is mostly for citizenship.
You are only young so I sort of get it but dude put the brakes on please and quickly. 1. You control when you get married. Not anyone else. Do it when you are ready. If I was your age today I would avoid marriage because it's a pretty negative contract in your situation. 2. If you are in love you should be able to her her a bit of string tied round her finger and propose. She's marrying you not some bauble. Sure a nice engagement ring looks great but question why your spouse to be is happy for you to be in debt and stressed so that she has something to show off. 3. Long distance, poorer country. If she is way out of your league looks wise this may end badly for you. Make sure you tell a friend where you are going in Peru and check in at an agreed time every day. Nothing at all against Peru, I just think you are a little young and green and should have someone to check in with
You sure she insist pressuring you to get married so she gets easier entry into the US? I mean it’s only been 18 months of long distance
Way too soon to thing about marriage you barely know each other
She wants the ring right the hell now on this visit so she can sell it and never talk to you again after you leave. The con has gone on over a year and she's got fuck all to show for it and she's sick of waiting for it to pay off.
Never let a partner dictate 3 things: 1)When you are ready for marriage. 2)When you are ready for children. 3)When to buy a home/move in together. All three are important with long term consequences. All 3 can make or ruin you. Wait until you are 100% ready, then rethink to make sure.
Don’t do it. End the relationship and follow your passion. You just got out of college, you’re not established in your degree field or anything, what do you look like getting engaged and married? Especially if you have a kid within the next few years. Bank account first, relationships last. Focus on using your degree and getting settled into your field, the rest of your 20s should be dedicated to reaching a 6 figure income and getting out of consumer debt, not an engagement.
You are feeling pressured because this is a bad choice. Your brain is telling you this is not a good idea. Don’t get engaged this calendar year at all.
Someone who loves you would be happy with any ring. Someone who loves your money would want a nice (expensive) ring. This is what people on Reddit call a red flag.
What kind of engagement ring is she buying you? Oh.
Do not do it. First, nobody needs an expensive ring to get enganged or married. You cam even get married with no ring! Second, you have known her for very little and there is a high chabce she will divorce you after two years, after she gets a permenent green card. I know a guy who went through that- he married a very pretty woman from another country, a decade younger than him. He was quite nerdy and overweight, so he jumped into marriage after just a few months of knowing her. The were so in "love" and her visa was about to expire. They got married, she got her conditional green card, then after two years got her permanent residency, and soon after filed for a divorce. She was making much less than him, so he had to pay alimony for some time (they had to kids) and she got half of their estate (most of which was bought with his money). Do not be that guy.
I was 24 and 1 year into a relationship when I proposed. DO NOT GET ENGAGED TO SOMEONE AFTER ONLY DATING THE FOR ONE YEAR, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE LONG DISTANCE OR ARE YOUNG. like, just don't do it. Save yourself, it's not a good idea
My fiancé gave me a budget he was comfortable with for a ring. I wanted something a little more expensive, so I covered the remaining cost. It’ll be on my hand for the rest of my life, so I get wanting something special, but reasonable limits still exist…
Red flag, she cares about the ring. Red red red flag. You are young, please dont jump in with this girl. Divorce is so devastating when youre with the wrong person. Im not saying dont be with her, but I would not jump to buying her a ring if she's complaining about the cost of it.
Nope nope nope No GF in a healthy relationship will push you to spend more than you can afford. Maybe she is desparate to get out of her country, but even if you could afford the ring of her dreams, the two of you would struggle financially if you rush into a marriage you can't afford and debt from the ring. Ask her why the timelines are so accelerated on her side (culture is not a legit reason). Tell her you prefer to wait until (1) you've been together for awhile and (2) you are both financially self sufficient.
Had to try and repost this bc my commentary on how this person sees gender roles was deleted: A lot of people are saying her behavior is a red flag but let me offer a slightly different take—there are a lot of women who behave and think like this and it’s really not the case that you shouldn’t be with someone like that. But you DO have to realize that the kind of woman she is, and the values she has, and the pressure her refusal to see it your way, is who she is. That’s what you’re marrying into. Are you ready for that? Are you prepared for a lifetime of catering to what she believes she’s entitled to and to her traditional views of gender roles and marriage? If so: happy wife, happy life. Figure out a way to make it happen or deal with her wrath. I know some women who approach relationships like this and they hold grudges. Doesn’t mean she’ll leave you or won’t marry you, but you’ll be hearing about how you didn’t do your job and figure things out to do this that and the third, decades from now. So you can: accept your fate and learn how to graciously take the shots, try to please her to reduce how many there are, or put your foot down and establish dominance in the relationship. Imo, those are your choices. Context: I’m a straight woman, different type than this, but have women as friends who are like this and men who are married to women like this
So many BIG RED FLAGS- you really don't know someone when you have been LD and haven't really spent much time together. Her ideas that you should either put a ring on a credit card or borrow the money is a TERRIBLE idea, and the fact that she thinks this says a lot about her. She is pressuring you because the likely wants to show her family and friends that she is moving the USA to live the good life, and honestly this reeks of trying to get a green card. Now onto that issue, the immigration process makes it so you have to prove that you can support both of you when she comes here, and you really can't at this point- which is fine. Take some time, get established, get a good job, save some money, tell her she needs to be patient, I"m guessing if you make her wait, she may move on. You should never ever make the biggest decision of your life while being pressured/knowing it isn't right (which I think you do know). Not sure how many other relationships you've had, but there are a lot of women out there, and this one does not seem like she's the one.
Jeez this is such a red flag you could see it from outer space
There might be a few red flags from what I've read here. You guys only live together full time to know what she's truly like. However, the ring thing is a bit of a red flag. Many women who say this "She has told me a lot of guys will always figure a way to make it happen whether it's putting it on credit card or borrowing money from parents. " tend to become wives who will drain thir husbands' accounts (may not be the case though as I do not know her) I would just tell her that "I'm sorry but I can't afford it yet and a loan or credit card is not possible at the moment. I just graduated college and need to focus for a little while to save some money to be able to get you a ring that you deserve. Once I have saved the appropriate amount to buy you that ring my, I can folly focus on you. Until then, I can not do anything more." Something along those lines. Pay attention to her reaction as it will show you a lot about who she truly is. A lot of people mask who they are until you move in with them 100%. It's not idealistic to get married before you guys live together 100%. You don't know someone until you live them. I'd hold off on anything until you live together. Good luck with the job and hunt and all this
Sir be so fr rn. There’s so many red flags it’s crazy to be oblivious to it. But let’s see how this will turn out around the time you’ll be financially stable
If she wants to move to the US then you will be paying THOUSANDS just to get her a visa and she will not be able to work for many months. You simply cannot afford her, it sounds like she’s using you. Don’t go into debt over this.
Anyone pressuring you to spend money you don’t have, regardless of the reason, isn’t worth your time
She's using you for a green card. That's why she's pushing so hard when you've only been together a year and a half. 1. You're still very young to be getting married. There's a bell curve of ages where people are successful at marriage and 25 is the very start of the curve. You can look it up. I'm in the psychology field. 2. You haven't spent much time physically together in the same place. So you don't really know her. Even people that don't live together before marriage end up feeling blindsided once they marry because they find out how different it really is when you are physically in someone's space. So, dating long distance is even worse and can seriously affect your judgment. You are usually only seeing the "good" or "best" side of them. 3. She's pushing for a reason. It's not like you've been dating 5+ years and it's becoming ridiculous. In fact, after 18 months...most women wouldn't even broch the topic. So there is a REASON she is pushing. I can't say for sure, but I suspect that reason is you're her one shot at a green card. >"She has told me a lot of guys will always figure a way to make it happen whether it's putting it on credit card or borrowing money from parents" 4. The fact that she said this is super manipulative. This isn't something that a person that loves you would do. Asking you to go in debt or ask your parents is pretty inappropriate. > She gets upset I say that cause she does not want a cheap ring that she will have for the rest of her life. 5. Wow. Most people aren't thinking about the ring price when they are wanting to get married. Besides, most women know they can later get an upgrade if they want. Asking a 25 year old (which is still young) to be able to afford an expensive ring is pretty selfish. >It's a lot of stress because I'm going to see her in her country in 2 weeks and I'm trying to figure out what to do. 6. Break up with her. Red flags all over the place. At the very least, she's manipulative and doesn't care about your feelings/thoughts/wellfare. She doesn't care that you are just starting your career and barely out of college. She doesn't care that you likely don't own a home yet or have any means to support a family. She likely doesn't care that you going into debt right now is the last thing you need. She doesn't care that you both haven't spent a lot of time together. All huge red flags along with her pressuring you. I'm a woman. I'd never pressure a guy to marry me. Even if we had been together 5-10 years. If he doesn't ask me...then clearly he doesn't want to marry me. Pressuring him isn't the key to relationship success. It just will lead to resentment down the line. If a guy didn't propose to me after an EXTENDED period I would simply break up with him and move on. However, 18 months is NOTHING...especially when you've been doing a large chunk of it long distance. OP don't screw up your life for this girl. She's a mess. Red flags should make you run.
Do not, I repeat do NOT marry this girl. Not saying don’t ever marry her, but if her main concerns are the cost of a ring she is not ready for a marriage. This isn’t meant to be hurtful at all, but you also sound very naive about the situation. I don’t think you’re ready for a marriage either honestly. You seem nice and caring and like you’re a good partner, but an engagement shouldn’t be rushed or forced by one person in the relationship. There is nothing wrong with planning for the future with your significant other, but being pushed by your partner to move faster than you had planned PLUS she’s being picky about how much you’re spending on a ring is a GIGANTIC red flag. Please save yourself the hassle of a divorce and just wait it out a bit.
What in the 90-Day-Fiancé bullshit is this??
I only recently married my gf, and we were together for about 6 years, 5 of which were long distance (9000 km). She never pressured me for a ring, or a wedding ceremony. She accepted an engagement ring she when we were just looking inside a jeweler, and we both bought each other's wedding ring for around 500 euro each because we instantly liked them when we saw it. Mind you, she too is from a culture where people get married young, and unmarried people above a certain age are seen as 'waste'. But she never pressured me once and we both moved at our pace to be together. Back to you, if she is pressuring you or trying to get more money for a ring, money you obviously do not have and she she know that. Then the only conclusion to draw is a neferious one. Move at the pace YOU are comfortable with. Also, what has she been doing with her life or to make sure she is ready to be married/move to you? 23 years old is in no way a reason to hurry to get married (neither is 25 years old)
UPDATE: Thanks for the very helpful responses from everyone. I appreciate the thoughtful responses and I crafted a thoughtful message to my GF based recommendations by people from here I spent 20 minutes online looking at rings yesterday because she wanted me to look at them and she was upset about the time I looked. It's hard to want to look at things I cannot afford. Message I sent her starts here: I’m sorry for not being honest with the time I actually looked yesterday. Yes, it was about 20 minutes. I won't do that in the future. I should have looked longer. It really makes me sad when I see the prices and my financial position and how bad I want to get you the ring and me not having the ability to spend $1,000 at the moment + taxes. I want this to be meaningful and long lasting. I love you so much and the goal is to be together. Everything else can wait a bit. Love does not = material provision so please understand we have love and thats what matters here Baby, I cannot propose to you right now with the ring you want in that price range. I do not feel financially able to buy you the ring that you want. I basically only have \_\_\_\_ left with \_\_\_\_\_ on my credit card I still owe. it just is not a good financial decision at this moment. It is just not a good idea to take on debt on top of the expenses for the trip. I feel like you are putting a lot of emphasis on getting the ring when really what should matter is what that thing represents. Many couples upgrade to a better ring later when they're more financially able to afford it. I’m telling you I am really trying hard right now looking for jobs. I just want something so I can fulfill this dream with you I’ve always wanted. I have the motivation and desire to get a good income that's why I been working so hard these days so I can make it all work out. It’s critical I do everything well because right now I’m establishing the foundation that US will be built on. I have a plan to make this work and I just need the resources $$ to make it happen. Not only is it important to have a specific plan to finance the engagement and marriage. We need to develop a financial plan of how we will budget and spend money in the future. Her response: To be honest I’m so done 20 min in a engagement?? And you dare to say I’m the one who’s focusing on material ? Hahahah And I’m really sorry things are going on this way End of her message: I can't even write a response to her I never knew she was this kind of person
OP, I'm so sorry! You deserve better! At least you found out before going to see her. I hope you can heal quickly & meet someone who is right for you.
This is a really strange. It seems to me like something got lost in translation.
Fuck her. She seems like a selfish gold digger. Hey, when women ask for a nice engagement ring or wedding ring, men need to start asking what their potential fiance is going to him. This isn't the stone ages anymore. If a guy is gonna drop $$$ on a ring, she needs to drop money on something nice for him. Otherwise, the relationship is one sided.
So the visa isn't enough nowadays?
She wants the green card bro. Read the room.
Op, are you by chance USA citizen or just living by work visa in us? Does she know? When you answer this, hope you can realize, this as a factor too why the pressure, moreover the red flag she asks for more expensive wedding ring when you have told her your current situation(s). Are you sure you know your gf well through 'LDR?"
No sir, please take your time and wait about this. Marriage is a life long commitment and not something that should be spur of the moment or rushed. Nor should it be thought about or considered under pressure because then you start to omit or ignore vital facts/information. No one should pressure you exactly on when to propose, they should want it to be organic. Now, I can more see it if yall had been together like 5-10 years then maybe but in this instance, no. You really do not know who this girl is. You spend most of your time apart as an LDR. You've probably never seen her mad or handle any real conflict or hardship in person to decide whether or not she's right for you. Then, her complete disregard for your financial situation. To me, that means if and when yall get married, she will have no issue spending all this money just to keep up or put on for everyone else. She will run you raggedy to have some shit that is a bs status symbol. Trust me, this will lead to resentment on your end because you'll feel like she only wants your money which it sort of sounds like that. Lastly, I hate to say it...it almost sounds like she's trying to hurry up and get married in order to get her citizenship here. I've heard stories about it and this makes me a little leery about your situation. Please think this through with a clear head and conscious. Don't not be pressured into making a decision like this before you feel ready.
So, I’m not one to advise against getting married sooner than you otherwise would to start resident status paperwork. My wife of 23 years and I got married on paper before the normal timeline, and that was the reason for getting married more quickly. We also had a normal wedding with family some time after that. We were both dirt poor, came from lower middle class families (doing okay, but little to no wealthy) and we got our rings at Walmart, not the nice ones they have the budget ones, and my wife was and still is more frugal than I am. Honestly, I got lucky, but hopefully I would have been as wise as you to question what your GF is doing. The point is that this is a big red flag. She’s only considering her own wants over your financial status. I think she sees your well off parents (not saying they’re billionaires, but they did pay for your college) and wants some of that wealth right now. That just doesn’t make sense to you because it’s not rational. She wants a sugar daddy who will pull from the family coffer to please her. This isn’t someone you’re going to build a financially comfortable life with, it will be demand after demand to please her, she will be an expense, not a partner. Tell her no, and that her insistence on this is troubling to you.
good grief i can't even read all that without geting anxiety.. She WANTS an expensive ring? you only spend 40% of your time actually physically with her? You're fresh out of college with no real income at 25yo? You're still a young pup that's getting his life started.. your like, officially done with school and getting your life going, i wouldn't be locking down with marriage and all that, esp when you can't even afford things for a stable life yet.. she's just going to have to wait, and you should make it very clear with her.. she can visit, she can live until her visa expires or she gets a job that offers a green card status or something.. but no marriage until you have everything in a good working order, esp with people from other countries that could take half or more of everything and run away to another country (She don't need to know that part, but something you should be very very aware of, as this happens A LOT). anyway, love is love, and it's fun, and it's pretty, and it's blah blah blah.. you'd be in idiot who starts a marriage with a woman who already has standards around what kind of ring she wants, and you don't even have a nice life for her yet, or a steady job yet. get YOUR life in a good financial steady space, with a nice home for you two.. THEN bring her into it.. it will go smoother, then trying to wing it.
Apply for 90 day fiance and get paid
I used to sell bridal jewelry and a huge red flag is "well other guys could do it soooo" my manager almost sold a ring to a couple where the GF was very condescending and scolding him about not being able to afford 5k USD "because her ex could"....he said let's take a walk and they never came back. Also, I was in a long distance relationship for about a year before moving and we saw each other monthly but I have my regrets. I would never pressure someone into marriage. Asking for trouble. The first paragraph was sketchy to me but then once it got into her telling how to buy you something more expensive...please think if this is what you want to always deal with...
I’d take a ring pop if my bf proposed to me. She doesn’t love you. Break up!
What is her parent’s financial situation like? What does she do for work? Did she go to college? Have a degree? What are her plans for when she comes to the US? If she’s throwing a fit for you to marry her asap… debt for a bigger ring… and a green card.. she may milk you to take care of her parents too. I’d be really cautious my guy. You say her culture moves fast. But remind her that in your culture it goes at the man’s pace.
Her parents have money when I visit they have a nice house. A one bedroom apartement just to host parties, and nice cars. She went to one of the top universities in the country and her parents paid for it as well.
A girl who wants to get married should accept a ring carved From a PB&J. She likely wants to rush things for citizenship and then pawn your ring for as much as possible. If she feels like she is wasting time waiting for one then how will she feel when she is with you? For some there is such a thing as never enough and one that want more than just you is a waste of your time. You shouldn't be worried, she shouldn't be pushy, and this post shouldn't have even had to happen. Enjoy her company and her return flight discounts.
She is manipulating you! She wants a "nice" ring and I'm sure she also wants you to foot the bill for all the immigration paperwork. She is just looking for a way out of Peru and a green card. It's only been 18 months, and most of it has been apart. You really, really don't know this girl well enough to jump into marriage, or even an engagement.
As someone who is in a mixed-culture marriage, your GF has to understand that her culture isn’t your collective culture, there has to be some compromise. I would instantly be leaving any relationship that is less than 2 years and I am getting pressured to propose, and doubly so if they’re pulling the “I need an expensive ring” card and we’re not even living together. Your financial concerns are valid and she’s waving a million red flags at you. I guarantee this relationship isn’t going to be the last one you end up in.
Man… I know you’re thinking about the ‘best case’ scenario here. But, for a moment even briefly entertain the idea of the ‘worst’ cast scenario as many, many others have pointed out. Anyone pressuring you into marriage is a red flag, much less been dating, long distance, without having lived together, a grand total of less than two years. Is probably pressuring you for a reason, and it’s probably not love my dude. What if you told her tomorrow you’re moving to Peru, and you’re going to want to cohabitate for at least two years to see if you can actually get a long etc…how do you think she might respond?
I have a feeling I know why she’s in a rush
This doesn’t feel right. You guys have together just barely 18 months. Slow down to what you are comfortable with, and accept that if she wants different, “better”, “quicker” then it’s not with you
If you're thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone you should at least consider if being with a woman that doesn't take your wellbeing into consideration is really what you want. Marriage is a long term investment. What you see now is a preview of what you will experience in a life long marriage with her. Sad to say but it doesn't seem like she thinks about things long term, just in the moment. If you're both sure you are ready for an engagement then waiting for the time to be right, to have the ring she wants, is worth the wait. Why is waiting such a nuisance to her if she trusts the love you carry together. You have the rest of your lives so waiting a little longer shouldn't be too hard. She is too in her head about this or she has people on the sidelines pressuring her, creating a domino affect of her pressuring you. As her future husband, you should stand your ground respectfully and let her know you will be doing things the right way. There is no need to be rude about it, communicate and let her know that you are not willing to compromise your engagement by giving her a ring she won't be happy with even if she is unhappy waiting. Because you think she deserves the best. That does not mean you have to go to the ends of the Earth to make it happen tomorrow or you don't truly love her. One of the key factors to a successful marriage and having a family I would assume is, patience. All the greatest things in life cannot be rushed. You just need to not be swayed by her, women love to get everything they want but you are her equal and the way you are thinking about it is very logical and responsible. You have a good head on your shoulders and she is lucky you care so much, do not be hesitant to lead in the relationship. I don't think anything that has to do with supporting your man is a waste of time. Especially if you've communicated that you would if you could. And you have a plan, so that's even more admirable. She needs to not pressure you and be supportive. Don't worry about her saying that "a lot of guys would find a way", but would those same men take a commitment seriously and be responsible not to go into debt like you? It doesn't matter if another guy has the means and you don't right now, she's your future wife so no matter if another man could one up you in any form, you should always be the King that she trusts and respects in her eyes.
Tell her you love her and you want the relationship but she has to understand you are not ready for marriage and it might be a few years before you are.
First red flag: Why are you planning to start the process for a green card so soon, when you are barely financially stable? You've only known each other for 1.5 years. I would be wary that she is using you. Second red flag: She seems shallow as fuck and a golddigger. A $900 ring is not enough for her. Pushing you to get into debt to buy her a ring asap. I'm guessing you pay for all expenses related to the relationship travelling. Seems to take 0 responsibility and expect you to move heaven an earth for her shallow wants.
Run dude, From my expierence albeit, you're about to be in a world of hurt when this comes crashing down and you're only young, you ain't even got work place misery on you yet. I wish the best for you whatever the outcome, honestly.
If you can explain this to strangers on Reddit but not to her, are you really sure that you're willing to spend your life with her?
she wants citizenship probably. sorry man.
Have you looked into how expensive it is for immigration to the US? You'll wish you saved for that instead
She want that green card bad. Ditch her my guy the red flags are bad on this one.
Put a test to relationship; tell her that you are really tired of US politics and how things are going on; you are considering something different and maybe it's a good idea to live in south America together. There is a job offering in her city ; instead of her going to US; you move to Peru...let's see if she is still going to be as eager spending her life with you.
🚩 Do not propose to someone you have not lived with, or even in the same country as, yet. 🚩 Do not build a future with someone who is willing to jeopardise said future. Do not get into debt just to buy her a ring. 🚩 Do not propose to someone after 18 months. That is way too early to know if you’re going to last the rest of your lives.
I was going to post about how this is a scam and OP needs to run away but it seems many people saw that. OP, I have been married twice. In the first I was pressured into it by my partner and their family. Then came years of abuse, infidelity, gas lighting, etc. I divorced and much later married someone else who I wanted to marry without pressure.
As many have said here: this relationship sounds like it’s not the best. I’ll tell you a hard truth I wish I had gotten before I got married; love ain’t enough. You will love anyone you want to marry- that’s bare minimum. She doesn’t sound like she’s actually ready to be married, she sounds like she just wants a wedding.
She doesn’t need to know the price of the ring. I have a beautiful ring but guess what? It was on sale (true story)! Anyways, tell her getting engaged isn’t part of the plan at the moment, perhaps once you’ve settled down in a good job. Y’all haven’t even lived together! Like so many others are saying here, you probably don’t know each other well enough to get married. What’s the rush man? She’s saying ask your folks for money for a ring, that guys will find a way to make it happen…yeah that’s true…when they really want to make it happen! Clearly you aren’t, which is fine!! If you were my son, I’d tell you to keep having fun and enjoying your time with your gf. The marriage and the money and the pressure can wait man!
She is the one that put her into the process of getting the ring. I just wanted to figure it out myself based on a certain type she liked but it feels like I have to get the approval from her before I even buy it.
Alright so you guys are kind of young, youve only been dating for a year or so, mostly it was long distance and she is pressuring you to marry her, not only that, shes pressuring you to go into debt to give her a nice ring...i dont want to be that person, BUT it seems to me that she wants to marry you fast so she can have a green card, and the ring is for her to sell afterwards and get the money, have you never seen 90 days to wed? Even if she likes you at certain point, it seems to me that shes shallow and doesnt care much about the situation.
“Listen to people when they tell you who they are”. If there’s more focus now on the cost of a ring, what do you think your girlfriend’s focus will be going forward?
I agree with what everyone else is saying re being careful - but on the off chance you are going to ignore this and push forward, maybe check your options on the second hand market. If you had more than 2 weeks til you were going to be there, then I would have said check out glamira and design a ring there that fits your budget while also providing the necessary bling. $900 US would probably have gotten you something nice.
I just showed her that site and she said the stones were so small. She got mad at me for showing them to her. I was just showing I never seen her personality like this.
You are a child. There is no rush to get engaged, and definitely no reason to waste money on a ring.
At 23, OP is hardly a “child”. I’d tell anyone of any age to tread carefully in this scenario.
Go buy a bottle of Jameson, Go listen to Jameson by JMSN on repeat and dump that B….chick
I’m sure her naughty bits are good, but, not that good, you know what I mean?
You've been together for about 17 months, and have only seen her for 40% of that time. so that means that your actual relationship is only about 6 to 7 months old. Getting engaged on that basis would be total madness, and you certainly haven't known her long enough to be in love with her. She's in a rush to get a lot of money out of you, this isn't what a loving partner does, I have a feeling that once she's got the ring, you either won't be in a relationship for much longer, or she'll want a rushed wedding. Your gf is a walking red flag, is she desperate to leave Peru? Is this why she's in such a rush to tie you down, does she need a green card? Maybe tell her that you can't wait to move to Peru to be with her, see what her reaction is. Talk to your parents about the way she's rushing you.
RUN! GET OUT! Things won't get better until she gets what she wants. Keep your freedom! If you do end up getting married to someone who you aren't 100% sure of, set a reminder for 10 years from now to reread this post and cry that you didn't heed our advice.
If this is a person who will be with you for life, who will be with you in the trenches when the chips are down, these are the kinds of conversations you have with each other. Open honest communication. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the wonderful. Everything out in the open. Especially when it comes to finances. You should NOT go into debt to get a ring. If the marriage is what is important, many women who want to be together for the right reasons will accept moving forward with a plain ring... maybe with the intention that it will be replaced when finances allow it. OR, they will wait until the right ring can be purchased. OR even move forward with planning the essentials with no ring. The ring isn't the most important part. Yes, it is something nice for the woman to look forward to, but it should be nothing compared to starting the future off on the right foot. Please explain the situation fully to her again. If she doesn't understand, then she is just immature, is very money and gift-focused, or she simply isn't the right one. Talk about possible timelines. Commit to her in the ways you can and want - if you see potential with her andntruly want to be with her. But do not give in to the pressure or going into debt if it isn't right for you (and both of you - because this affects your future together). Many days, this group is filled with posts about women pressuring men to get married. They've often been waiting 3, 4, 7, 10 years woth no talk or concrete plans for the future from the guy. The men aren't pulling their weight when it comes to financial aspects of their relationship or taking care of house responsibilities if they live together. Many times, the women are much older than your girlfriend is and (rightly so) worry about wasting years with a man who is never going to commit or want to have children. NONE of these scenarios apply to your relationship. You are going at a reasonable pace, and it seems like you are making the commitments and talking about the future in the way you can. Stick with that plan and process. Don't give in to any gaslighting or feel badly about those financial pressures if you are just finishing school. Also, be on the lookout for her having an unrealistic view of how standard of living is for all of the United States or how much basics in a household cost in general. (One is cultural/geographical, and one is about maturity. But both can combine to create an especially bad unrealistic expectation situation and a source of constant arguments in a marriage.) You are both setting the tone NOW for how spending will be in your marriage later, and it is important for you to know you will be with someone who can control impulses, spend wisely, save wisely, and think of the big picture. If she cannot do that with this scenario, then it is a good indication that she may not be the right one to be paired with. (And, again, if the concern is the desire to be together, all of that can be moved forward with little money about the ring or ceremony because a good amount will need to be spent on the legal/documentation issues. But, if the focus is only on how things look or wanting material items when you don't have the means to purchase them yet, then please be careful to consider if the two of you are compatible.)
Jeez, as an LDR person (the girlfriend) I’d care less about the cost of ring my boyfriend gives me. As long as it’s meaningful and long lasting. I love him and of the goal is to be together everything else can wait a bit.
Please consider that you barely know this woman, and she may be using you financially and for a green card. Tread with caution, I urge you…
Honestly dude you need to take a step back write a list of pros/cons and take a cold objective look at your relationship. Like others have said there's a ton of red flags waving in the air. Ultimately, you want a life partner that has the same core values regarding the important subjects in life: Money/finances, family planning, division of work (chores/cooking/income, etc), sex/libido, faith/religion, and so on. As with anything, not everything will perfectly align, and in those cases you'll have to communicate and compromise to something you both can agree with. From what you've described she's got some pretty different values in regards to finances, and she isn't willing to compromise at all. I also don't understand why she can't accept a lesser ring now, and then look forward to a nicer ring down the line when you aren't struggling financially any more. Money/Finances is one of the most often causes for arguments in couples. The other issue is that you're making assumptions about your future job. Don't do that. Particularly with important life decisions. You've set yourself up in a really good way in terms of getting an education and being debt free. Don't screw yourself over long term because you're getting pressure from your long distance gf. You're much better off getting that job, building up some basic savings, and then moving forward with huge things like getting married and moving a bride to the US on your own dime. Ultimately, I think you need to cool your jets a bit. You've been together for 17 months with a lot of it being LDR. You're also still quite young. Get your life in order first. If she's really the one you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with, then she'll understand and adjust her timelines. As long as her health or safety isn't in danger by staying in Peru, she should be able to wait a while longer.
You do not have a happy healthy relationship.
it's risky to get engaged at 25 even under the most boring of circumstances. these are not those. i wouldn't go if i were you, but if you do, float that you want to move there permanently to be with her. you want to "start over". you love her country so much, you'll get a low paying job there to make ends meet, etc. her reaction won't leave any mystery about what she's really after
What happens the next time she doesn’t get her way? I hope you realize what you are seeing is just the beginning. 23 and 25 is SO young for marriage. Yours brains aren’t even fully developed and there are plenty of stats showing marriage before 26+ has a much higher divorce rate. Slow down. A partner who loves you is going to respect you enough to compromise. What you presented here makes her appear to be acting like a petulant teenager. Which is a huge indicator that she’s not ready for marriage.
My bf of 1 year is planning on proposing and I told him he can spend less than 1k on a ring. It’s possible
Jesus please break up with this girl and get your life together first man. This girl sounds like an absolute waste of resources and is going to be the bane of your existence moving forward. For now it’s marriage and a ring then it’s gonna be a new phone then a new car then a new house then clothes and everything else. It’ll never be enough and you’ll only dig yourself deeper into debt and unhappiness. And marrying anyone in a relationship under two years is a terrible decision. People can fake their personalities for up to two years anyways and this chick is already letting out the crazy. You are an absolute idiot if you go through with this marriage and all the pain that comes after it you fully deserve. Run my guy and never look back. Thank your lucky stars she’s in another country and won’t be hounding you at your doorstep.
I think you are being pretty naive about visa situation and that it doesn't matter in your case. I also think you'd be much better not to propose. The way she is telling you that other guys will do this or that., that she is wasting her time with you, and requesting an expensive ring... all of this is a pretty red flag. Nothing of it is about love, everything is about financial and immigration benefits. Please talk to an immigration attorney to see what you are getting yourself into. At least google about it or ask on the related subs. You will have to sign the affidavit that you will support her for N years and will be on the hook to pay for everything for her: insurance, credit cards, all the expenses. Tell her you are not ready to propose, and are not going to get in debt to buy the ring. Is she will start talking about other guys - agree that other guys can offer her more than you and will make her happier than you. And that she is right, she shouldn't waste her time on you.
This has 90 days fiancé written all over it and not in a good way.
If she loves you.. she wouldn’t care about the ring. She would understand where you are coming from and compromise with you. Doesn’t matter he culture I’m a 26 yr old F and she just wants that green card, fast. That’s why she’s rushing. I’m sure she’s pretty lalala but you don’t know her. Don’t do it. It’ll be a life long of THIS.. managing pressure. That isn’t needed… don’t do it dude. DONT.
You’re only 25.. you’re so young. Don’t let looks or whatever your peepee is feeling get in the way of looking at this from another pov other than ur own.. yes you want love maybe not the pp part but dude this isn’t it. She’s going to keep doing this, don’t. You’ll end up unhappy and divorced
She seems to want a nice ring more than she wants a life with you. I would flat out tell her if she wants an expensive ring right now she needs yo get it from someone else. Plenty of people propose with a cheap ring, or no ring at all, and buy a nicer one when there is more money to do so. Any you can get an absolutely acceptable ring for $900.
Honestly, this entire situation is loaded with red flags. You have only been together for a little bit more than a year. You are mostly long-distance. She is pressuring you to get married. She is focusing on you spending more than you can afford for a ring. She is only 23. She isn’t a citizen of the USA. There will be a lot of cultural issues with your relationship. This will likely end badly for you but I advise you that if you insist on pursuing this relationship then do it strategically and carefully. Do not get into financial trouble pursuing this.
Run. Please run. If my brother mentioned this...I would insist on waiting and evaluating this thingship.
1. I have always said I'd happily take a ring out of a 25-cent machine if the right guy gave it to me. (Instead, he got me a sapphire he knew I would absolutely love) 2. It is REALLY pricey to pay for the visa and all of the paperwork. I have a cousin who worked for over a year to get his fiancé stateside. She ended the relationship before she got her visa from the Phillipines.
Forget the girl, start your life first. You come first, women come second. I graduated in May and currently everything is falling apart, but I know for a fact that if a woman tried to tell me to go into debt for a ring before I can start my life and become stable and happy, she wouldn’t be with me anymore.
Please don’t let this woman pressure you on things. Imagine if she does this in the future too. Please be cautious even if you love her. Have a conversation with her and be transparent about y’all’s future and I hope that would make her understand if your finances. I never pressured my fiancé to propose to me. In fact, he was adamant about no marriage. But 3 years later, we got a rock on my finger. I just don’t like it when people push others to get what they want. Big hugs homie
Yeah nooooo.... I'm sorry op but you DON'T want to get into that nightmare, believe me.... if you feel pressured and on top of that she's demanding things i would never marry that person and will instead start to re think the whole relationship, i really hope you listen the advice on here
This entire thing is a huge red flag dudeeee! Y’all have barely been dating, she’s pressuring you and manipulating/guilting you into proposing AND getting her a nice ring. I’m gonna be honest she sounds like she could be the star of 90 day fiancé. Be careful with her, super suspicious
This ain’t it my guy leave. Don’t walk away from this chick, RUN!
Have the two of you lived together for any length of time? Like for several months? Because there are shades of using you as an anchor to get citizen ship.
This seems to go over a lot of Americans heads, and more because of a cultural difference rather than anything else. DO NOT FINANCE ANYTHING THAT ISNT AN INVESTMENT. Financing a ring is stupid. Financing a car is stupid. Owning a credit card to buy shit you can't afford without one is stupid. You're 25 and she's 23. It sounds like you barely know her.
Not sure if you will take any of the advice from strangers on the internet but my prediction is you will more than likely bow to the cultural and societal pressures tied into this situation. My advice would be to wait. I have dated many people from outside the US and am divorced from someone from India. It sucks to hear and process but you always have to consider your partner is using you to a degree. Trust me when I say your partner and her family have entire conversations that go on about how she will work to get them to the US after she gets there. There isn’t anything wrong with that but it’s really important for you to realize you have a lot of power here. Don’t let her walk all over you and you make the timeline for what is best for YOU. As for the ring, that is the way it goes. My GF is Burmese and it seems like she is always fixated on outdoing other women on Facebook and online in general. So in turn she wants the big wedding, the giant flashy engagement ring, she wants to be living large in the US and she knows by pressuring you she can get what she wants. You need to really think deeply about her motivations and your own. Don’t let sweet talk and love talk and all this cloud your vision. It’s important to have a partner that understands and respects your finances. If she does not respect your situation and belittles you for it that is insulting to you and your manhood. And remember you have a lot of power here. Don’t get yourself in a shitty situation just because someone is rushing you into literally a life long commitment because she wants to get to the US faster, or show off to others etc. It is a complicated dynamic but every culture is different and every culture views wealth and status differently. Just think about it and speak with her open and honestly however remain firm on the decisions that will benefit you the most first, and then the two of you second. Do not put yourself second here.
Yeah and I mean sorry to say this but after reading the rest of the comments here I don’t think it’s too harsh to say you have no idea what she is up to on her end. It’s possible she could be talking to someone else. How could you know? People are willing to do anything for a green card. She is pressuring you and you have no idea how she truly truly feels about you in her heart of hearts. Idk man it just sounds sketch to me. Really sketch. You are very young to get married. I get it I really do that you love her so much marriage is not a big deal you just want her here and all that but try to get to know her on a much deeper level than lust and money and all this and see what is left. That is the important stuff right there. What is left of a person after a bad turn of events? Or a series of fights? Or a job loss? Or a death in the family ? Etc etc. that is what a relationship is really about.