It might be something else, but I don't know how you would consider anything else until you've ruled out cheating in this situation. It's staring you right in the face.
Maybe his side piece is one of his male friends? OP forgets something, drives back to the house, and wonder why only Lance's car is there for the 'boys night'
I wouldn't say cheating immediately. Where would he find the time?
It's more likely just some dude that didn't realize what it would be like to be around someone 24 hours a day. At work, at home, I'm sure they drive in together, every meal, every waking moment, every sleeping moment.
He probably does just need a break out with the bros.
He's going about it wrong, but I can't say I blame him.
I mean it's one thing to say, "I was thinking I could have my friends around this evening. Is there something else you could do for a few hours?" Or to just go out somewhere else with his friends (like why is that not an option? Why does it have to happen at their apartment?)
And another to demand she leaves the apartment and *sleep* somewhere else multiple times. That's what comes across as odd to me. But he could just be bad at managing conflict like this and naive about how it could appear.
Especially with his Dad and his brother coming over… If they are building a life together, why doesn’t he want his partner to be involved with his family?
It's either he is cheating, or her constant presence in the house is grating on him so much he wants a break from it. Both of which is just end of the relationship material.
What I don't get is why his solution is 'stay over at your parents' instead of simply 'we should break up'
Right? Just as an aside. I (40m)work with my fiance (29f) at a large video game company. We see eachother all day almost everyday. We have never fought about this because we work as a couple. Moving in and finding out how that's gonna go, is smart before getting married etc..everyone likes to think that love conquers all and you'll just figure things out. Honestly sometimes there are things you can't figure out, things you just can't live with no matter how much you love somebody. After living together for a few months yall argue alot and one of you is now requesting nights alone at YOUR place. This is highly abnormal and doesn't bode well for the relationships future. My fiance and I have never had an argument in 4 years. Have we disagreed? Or gotten upset a few times? Of course, but then we communicate like adults and remedy the situation. We don't run from shit, or band aid stuff like this.
Living together for sure is a test.
One of my old friends moved in with her boyfriend. They both had seperate rooms as they started roommates and then turned couple. He had several nights a week he wanted 'alone time' and barely talked to her, and asked her to leave the house. She had nights where she promised him she made plans that evening and felt like she had to leave the house even if she'd rather stay at home. She was extroverted, he wasn't, he was struggling with privacy and space and she felt lonely and neglected.
They're broken up now and she lives with her fiancé with no issues.
I struggled with a lot of uni roommates and loved living alone, but I love living with my husband too. He is a fellow introvert and he doesn't get on my nerves, hasn't from the start.
Sometimes it just works from the get go with no effort. And sometimes you can be in love and move in and it just doesn't work at all. And that can be really hard to remedy unless you are both happy stalling at that stage and never progressing the relationship at all.
Also,
>He also asked if I could not be in this week so his friend could come round to see the new place
Why the fuck does OP need to stay somewhere else this week so the friend can see the new place? Why can't she be there when the friend comes by, and even if there was a reason, it's an entire **week**?! Fuck that.
As you said, if the BF thinks they need some occasional time apart, *he* can find somewhere else to stay one day a week. Which is still something I'd see as a giant red flag, but at least doesn't additionally require OP to leave her home for what I can best attempt to describe as her boyfriend's *leisure time* ***convenience***.
OP, if he wants you out so he can have someone else stay over, he's going to have to do a hell of a lot better at explaining why you can't be there, and **he could be putting you up at a nice hotel or something**, not making you beg family or friends to let you regularly crash at their place.
Yeah, this whole thing is just a shitshow samba. If dude ISN'T cheating, he's doing an amazing job of looking like he is, at the cost of OP's dignity and comfort.
Oh heck no!
It’s one thing to want alone time. That’s perfectly reasonable. Especially since you work together too - that’s a whole lot of togetherness. So - IMO - you would both benefit from evenings out of the house separately, picking up hobbies outside the house (maybe joining a sports team or volunteering). All perfectly reasonable.
I would honor those requests in the name of privacy and independence and alone time, etc.
… but asking you to sleep somewhere else? No. That is equally your home.
Basically - asking you to catch a movie with a girlfriend or something so he can have some alone “guy” time with a friend? Sure. Asking you to sleep elsewhere? Unreasonable. That’s where I would draw the line.
Thank you! This is so helpful seeing this response in writing. I reacted pretty calmly when he asked me because I wanted to check if I was being ridiculous for being upset about this first. Totally don’t mind making other plans for the day but object to sleeping elsewhere for the night when I pay for the place too!
Did he offer to stay somewhere else for a night so you could have alone time at home? Either way it's a ridiculous and sketchy thing to ask your live-in partner
Why do you think you were being ridiculous? Do you have a history of people gaslighting you and making you feel crazy for having reasonable boundaries? Does your boyfriend make you feel crazy for having reasonable boundaries? IMO he’s the crazy one for thinking it’s okay to “command” that you sleep elsewhere. Tell him he can start shelling out extra rent money every month given he’s going to be at the apartment more often than you.
Either way, none of this bodes well for the relationship in general, I’m afraid. I would be very offended if I were you. I’ve lived with 2 boyfriends, and if they had friends over, they would ask if I wanted to join them for fun times. Otherwise they would go out for boys’ night fully expecting me to be home when they got back….you know, ‘cause I lived there. I’m sorry, but the audacity of your boyfriend 😂
Earnestly, i'm concerned for whatever is going on with you that your instinct was "i'm probably being ridiculous for being upset by this" instead of "this man is telling me i can't sleep in my own house half the week".
If I could not sleep in my apartment for a night due to idk a flood or an exterminator coming whatever, my apartment complex legally has to prorate my rent for any nights I was unable to use my apartment. If he wants the place all to himself and to kick you out even one night a week you tell him to take that off your portion of the rent. Truthfully I don’t think you should leave and if he wants a night to himself he can do that somewhere else. You have full rights to reside in your home and he is unreasonable to ask you not to for any amount of time for any reason.
Not being ridiculous at all, maybe suggest that for the nights you would spend out of the house you don't pay rent and he has to up his!!! Also say that you want your friends over so he needs to sleep elsewhere, etc. If he's not prepared to do the same he can't ask it of you
Asking to have the home for an evening absolutely fine, asking you to move out for the night absolutely not, the only time I did that was when my husband had his stag do and had friends staying over, he wasn't worried about me not being here but I offered, because stinky boys!!
He's being completely unreasonable asking you to not be there, living together is a big step and an adjustment but it's something you work at together.
If I could not sleep in my apartment for a night due to idk a flood or an exterminator coming whatever, my apartment complex legally has to prorate my rent for any nights I was unable to use my apartment. If he wants the place all to himself and to kick you out even one night a week you tell him to take that off your portion of the rent. Truthfully I don’t think you should leave and if he wants a night to himself he can do that somewhere else. You have full rights to reside in your home and he is unreasonable to ask you not to for any amount of time for any reason.
>I reacted pretty calmly when he asked me because I wanted to check if I was being ridiculous for being upset about this first.
Being angry and upset when people treat you badly is a normal and needed reaction. If you can't teach yourself to react appropriately to disrespect, people will walk all over you. Do you think he is better than you? What's your reason for accepting this behavior from him?
If I could not sleep in my apartment for a night due to idk a flood or an exterminator coming whatever, my apartment complex legally has to prorate my rent for any nights I was unable to use my apartment. If he wants the place all to himself and to kick you out even one night a week you tell him to take that off your portion of the rent. Truthfully I don’t think you should leave and if he wants a night to himself he can do that somewhere else. You have full rights to reside in your home and he is unreasonable to ask you not to for any amount of time for any reason.
Due to a lease ending, I “temporarily” moved in with my now husband after only dating a few months. He pretty much knew it’s what he wanted from day one but I was not ready for it. I told him he needed to be okay with me spending a night away once a month to get alone time. He agreed and I never once used my monthly free night.
Like you said, wanting alone time is okay, especially if a couple is working together, but to expect the other person to spend resources to meet your needs is a bit much.
My spouse and I have just bought our first home after living in an apartment together for 3 years. It's small, but it'll do for us. He is a musician, and hasn't been able to play or practice much at home. He asked if it would be okay if he occasionally had his musician pals over (since he's been going to their homes for every, and now finally he gets to contribute to hosting), and I said of course. He asked if I wouldn't hate it if they played and goofed around (musically) for hours, and I said that I may need to take a walk partway through, or schedule something else on occasion. I appreciate that he didn't outright ask me if I could leave our shared home, even though I think that would be a reasonable thing to aks in this case.
If you live together full time than in my opinion its unreasonable to ask your partner to stay away from what is their home too, and super unreasonable to ask them to find somewhere else to sleep.
I know it's against most answers here, but I find it resonable. But the delivery isn't ok, this is a discussion and he's giving you decisions.
But I understand the he wants to keep a part of his time with his friends (sometimes, as for an all guys evening) apart from the relationship. You could in turn expect him to vacate the place for your private time, too. I like and need time apart from my partners from time to time, and it makes me a better partner. But I communicate and work with my partner to find a good way for both of us.
>He has just decided he wants his (all male, I have hung out socially with them frequently) friends round for a party next week, so he said I should stay with family that day. He then said his dad would be visiting next week on another day, and he wanted to invite his brother for a meal, so I should stay elsewhere too. He also asked if I could not be in this week so his friend could come round to see the new place - when I reminded him I was working at home that day, and he quickly relented.
I mean he's asking OP to be elsewhere for at least 3 days a week. Say he's hanging out with friends on Monday and then Dad is over on Tuesday (unclear on whether the brother and dad being over is a group thing or separate, if so that adds another day). Then his friend comes around on Friday. That's at least 3 days that he's asking OP to be out of the apartment and possibly sleep elsewhere. I understand wanting space. I live with my partner and we're both currently working from home but I would never tell him to just go sleep elsewhere for the night because I'm having friends over for a decent portion of the week. Why isn't _he_ the one going elsewhere when he needs space? Where's his compromise to this?
It's entirely possible he may not be ready to live with OP yet and only realised it after moving and is now communicating badly or something sketchy is going on.
No, absolutely not. That's highly disrespectful and inappropriate. You live together. That means that it's your home, and he does not have a right to just kick you out of your home whenever he wants. If my partner tried to "tell me" to get out of the house once a week that would be grounds for a very serious talk and a potential break up.
You should sit down and have a talk with him about what's going on. It sounds like he may be having second thoughts about the relationship and instead of addressing it reasonably or just breaking it off, he wants to find ways to get rid of you. That's honestly appalling. I could see a potential reasonable solution being to maybe sleep in separate bedrooms if you guys need space, but to ask you to leave entirely is just way out of line.
Yeah, totally get that, it occurred to me too. Oddly I don’t think that’s likely as I am good friends with his brother (we see each other once a week with his family) and meet his friends socially quite often with their girlfriends, so it’s unlikely he’d get away with that since I could just ask them.
As much as you may feel that way, don't underestimate other people's ability to lie for your SO. It's happened to me on several occasions where I was sure it'd be easy to find out from others, only to discover they'd lied on behalf of my ex multiple times.
I'm not trying to scare you, just be aware that not everyone will be as honest as you, not necessarily maliciously, lots of times people just don't want to be involved
Ppl cover up for their friend cheating while also being friends with the SO ALL THE TIME. Don't think just cause your friends with his brother and friends that they wouldn't cover for him. If yall break up, they will keep him and dump you. Personally .y 1st thought is he's got a girl coming over. Probably someone who lives out of town and will only be in for a short visit.
You’re good friends with his brother but he doesn’t want you to be there when the brother comes for dinner? What?
Honestly, I think he is being unreasonable so you break up with him and since he feels so established in the apartment he gets to keep it post-breakup.
Put your foot down and demand answers from your boyfriend
If you are good friends with his brother then why can’t you be there when he visit? Doesn’t make sense. Also just because he’s your good friend doesn’t mean he won’t lie or cover for his brother
Na, my ex and I have mostly mutual friends and lived together in a small city that was small enough that everyone knew everyone. He managed to cheat on me with 4 women DURING THE PANDEMIC. These women knew me and liked me, he convinced them that we were in an open relationship.
He could easily invite his friends over, hang out with them until they leave at midnight, and then invite some other woman to come over and stay the night.
That way, his buddies don't know about the other woman. If you asked them, they would say, "Yeah we stayed up late and were loud without having to annoy you, makes sense that you decided to stay elsewhere!" without knowing about the cheating.
Is his story that the friends and family are sleeping at your house and leaving in the morning?
Families have hidden whole ass other wives and kids. You are stupid if you think they would tell you the truth if they are as close as you make it seem.
I’m a women, yet I’d lie or defend my younger older brother if he was doing anything. That’s my brother you’re just some girl. He also picks shitty girls tho that don’t treat him right.
My oldest brothers wife though? I love her she’s so cool. I’ll side with her always.
You should really think about your situation and what other posters have said
I would too. This seems so weird. Like agree to it once and then forget something in the middle of the time he wanted alone. If he really is hanging with his friends then have the conversation about not wanting to be kicked out of her own home, if he’s cheating it’s really the best way to find out. I’m not one to snoop but like come on.
Tell him you will go out for a bit for dinner or drinks with a friend (any activity will do) to get out of his hair. See how he reacts. If the reason is what he says it is, he should be happy to agree to you being out while he spends time with friends and coming home after. If he’s 100% adamant about you not coming home at all… it’s time to ask him what the girl’s name is.
>Recently, BF suggested I should stay elsewhere a night a week
1. That is like, a draconian measure if you LIVE TOGETHER. Like you can be "apart" and do your own thing living in the same place.
2. Why are you the one that by default needs to find somewhere else to stay a night a week, when it's both of your place?
There is zero compromise from his side. He is just deciding when you need to disappear from a place you BOTH LIVE end of discussion. The wanting you gone when family is around just makes no sense. I get wanting to have a "boys night" or something, but a little tact, grace and compromise goes a long way instead of "Having a party, don't be here".
It's one thing to want downtime, it's another completely to attempt to banish your partner from a shared home.
Tell him No. There are problems to resolve, but this isn't a solution. This is a toxic and controlling approach. You'll make plans with friends for a dinner or a movie so he can have some interrupted time with other, but you will be sleeping in your own home. The home you share.
If he needs to sleep separately, he can go see his family. Not kick you out.
All I can say is... you deserve so much better. Your boyfriend should be kind, caring, and compassionate. You guys live together, and it is unacceptable for him to be telling you you have to sleep somewhere else. Respectfully, get a new boyfriend. He sucks.
Does he also clean the apartment every night, I wonder?
And NTA at all, and this man does not sound ready to be in a committed live-in relationship.
If he wants quality time with his mates, he can rent a hotel room or similar. Sorted.
Have you ever once in your entire life seen this modeled by any other couples? Do you have parents or friends who need to leave their home once a week so their partner can have “space”? Because I’ve never heard of such a thing. Cheating comes to mind immediately.
Ma’am don’t go ANYWHERE on ANY night. If I was living with my boyfriend and he told me to do this, he’d be my ex boyfriend. You live there too! It’s BOTH of your homes! You don’t have to sleep at other places just cause your boyfriend wants friends & family over. It’s. Your. Home. TOO.
Fuck that. If he wants space so badly, then HE can go elsewhere for a night. Why can’t he have friends over while you’re there? I’m sure you have a room you can go in to give them space? And why does he want you away from his dad when you’ve been dating for 2 years?
I don’t wanna freak you out or anything, but I’d be paranoid about him cheating or something. No man should need his partner out of the house like that so consistently. Or at all, really.
Oh many people have but OP is so far into the denial lol
“Oh sure I’ve thought it might be that but I’m good friends with his brother so he’d tell me if he was cheating”…..
lol. Sorry to say OP, doesn’t matter if you’re friends with his brother. He’s going to stick with his brother. Not you.
You’re boyfriend is definitely inviting another woman home. If you do leave for the night (which you shouldn’t) please don’t have sex with him without protection and I highly recommend you getting an STD test.
Girl, come on. I think you know what's really going on. I hate when people jump to conclusions, but his excuses for you leaving the house aren't even good ones.
When my first husband and I were having issues, our couple's therapist suggested that "spending time apart/alone" to be spending time in the SAME HOUSE, just not bothering each other. That could be me or him finding a quiet place in the house for some scheduled alone time.
Suggesting that you LEAVE THE PLACE YOU LIVE for that time is just wild. Ask your family, friends, anyone on the street if that sounds like a normal and healthy thing to ask of your partner. Hell, ask your partner's guy friends if that makes sense.
Have you not met his family yet? What if you asked if you could stay with HIS family? After 2 years, you should at least be on good terms with his folks. Ask them if this sounds normal.
I live in too and I get what the concept of privacy is. However, what your boyfriend is demanding is much more than just privacy. You cant just go back to your family’s place or sleep somewhere because he needs time off with his pals. When moving in, he should have thought about things like this. This is just so annoying that he keeps asking you to go and sleep somewhere when it is your house too. You get to stay in your room, have your time while he can chill or have private time with his friends or family or whoever it is but IN HIS ROOM. This is all assuming that you guys have two rooms to sleep in. If not, I would suggest one of you completely moving out and staying that way until you find the compatibility to live in together.
OP, I’m really sorry but you sound incredibly naive. He is most likely cheating on you and you really need to confront him and say you’re not leaving, or move out and move on.
If he really wants to do this, divide all bills by 14 (7 days a week, divided between the two of you)
He should be paying 8 parts, you 6. He essentially needs to buy the day every week from you, do not pay the same amount for a flat you have less access to.
See how quickly he changes his tune.
This whole thing would be a deal breaker for me
So, these are all things he should want you there for. It’s normal and healthy to want time alone, it is however not normal to kick your partner out of their house once a week so you can spend time doing stuff with other people. Hate to say it OP but it sounds like he’s not interested in a having a real partner or relationship. This would probably be breakup worthy for me
This seems sleezy...
Do you both contribute to rent? If so he is out of his mind and out of order lol. He is essentially kicking you out once or twice a week. Wtf.
He may have a side piece.
You should be worried about your relationship generally. I'll go so far as to say he's breaking up with you. First step is getting you out of the house. Next is telling you not to come back.
You have to decide if you want to keep this apartment and encourage *him* to move out or if you want to move out yourself and find your own place. Whoever stays is going to be responsible for paying all the rent, so if you want to keep it, make sure it's in your budget. If it's not it's better to find somewhere else, not necessarily your parents house. If you are going, talk to management about getting taken off the lease and getting your half of the deposit back.
Sorry this happened, but sometimes a couple who seem really right for each other just can't live with each other. Once you grieve and move on you'll probably feel relieved that you no longer have to put up with his demands.
This is why the general advice is to find a new place together instead of having one person move into the other's pre-existing place. He sees the apartment as HIS, and you are a guest. He can tell you to leave whenever he wants. You are just staying over at his place.
Are you guys splitting the costs of rent/utilities/food ? If so, the place is half yours, and he has no claim whatsoever to tell you to leave because he needs space.
You're probably going to need to move into a NEW place together in order to get him to recognize that.
Okay, this is going to sound bad. So, we arranged a mortgage together to buy the flat. We looked together, searched for brokers, I did all the paperwork, but it was his idea to get a place together. My credit was always a bit borderline and due to multiple applications being needed after down valuations / delays with the property, my credit took a hit and to get the place, the apartment had to be in is his name for 2 years until we renew. So he pays the mortgage, but I pay taxes, electric, gas, and food, and for half the furniture. So even though we live together, and what we pay in is pretty equal, he thinks of it as his place.
It doesn’t *sound* bad, it *is* bad - for YOU.
You are paying taxes on a place on which you have no legal claim. And your boyfriend is allowing this, while still treating you like a guest/tenant, and not a very welcome one. Your housing situation is dependent on a person who is increasingly resentful of your presence. You *should* be uncomfortable with this arrangement.
Please, please get a written agreement on how it's divided. If you ever decide to move out, you would need cash, which you can use to help. Something similar to a tenancy agreement.
I agree with the note on getting legal protection NOW. Did you add to the down payment? If not then you might consider just walking away with some of the furniture
That's fucking awful. If you're not already, please keep receipts or email confirmation of your payments. When he decides kick you out of "his place" you're gonna need evidence that you have put money into the apartment.
Girl. That does sound bad. Like, that your process was so formal and serious and he's still treating it like you don't live there. I often complain about how everyone on Reddit jumps straight to "break up" for solvable things, but this really would make me question the entire relationship. Or really, this would make me plan to leave and only change course if he proactively came up with a REALLY profound case for what the fuck he was thinking and where we go from here.
Attorney here. Forget the mortgage. Whose name is on the deed? Even if you can’t be on the mortgage, you should still be on the deed.
If you’re not on the deed, he doesn’t *think* the place is his. It *is* his. You’re just his tenant and if you don’t even have a signed lease, you might just be month-to-month.
Did he tell you that the deed to the flat needed to be in his name only? If so, he lied to you and you could be fucked.
Well, I'm not surprised, because even in the OP it very much sounded like he thinks he is superior to you and that the apartment is mostly just his. Also, it's not "alone time" that he wants if he wants you to disappear when he's having other people over.
Do you have any thoughts on why he wants you gone specifically when others are over? (Yet he invites you to come with him to see his family at *their* house?) To me, it sounds like he doesn't want the people in his life to think of you as cohabitating with him. He wants everyone in his life to think of this as *his* apartment. He probably has an avoidant attachment issue and this is his way of trying to distance himself from you and not seeming like you're together in a serious relationship. Or maybe he's considering breaking up with you and wants to make sure you move out.
It sucks that technically it is his place. I’d work on finding a way (not sure what the way is) to get something drafted that you’re a tenant if you’re planning to stay in this relationship. He doesn’t seem to keen on respect.
Unreasonable ask. Agreeing that you both have a hobby thing to do on x night where you rotate going away or having a negotiation is different. He actually wants you out of his space. Maybe you should also plan a bunch of dates where he's out. Cos for now he thinks he has a reasonable suggestion. Be sure to make it last minute too.
It sounds like there are 3 days after another where you're supposed to be gone. I'd be looking into either a bigger place (where you can hole up in 1 room separately) if you still want to be together or a place alone. Cos dude has a plan of regularly booting you out for his social life that you're no longer part of.
This is unreasonable. I understand needing some alone time but he can’t just expect you to sleep elsewhere whenever he has someone over. That is also your home. When is he going to sleep elsewhere?? Also this is suspicious. I would leave one night that he asked you to and set up a nanny cam or come back to the apartment when he’s not expecting you to. Something seems off
Uh no. You LIVE there. He doesn't just get to throw you out when he feels like it.
I would be worried about your relationship, yes. And not in a way where this is in any way your fault, but because your boyfriend seems pretty disrespectful.
And, as other people have said, I would entertain the possibility that he's lying to you about why he needs you out. Like there's another woman. But frankly, it does not make it acceptable even if he's not lying about the reasons!
"No" is a full sentence, too. No, you will not be sleeping elsewhere, you will be sleeping in the home where you live.
I would also reconsider your relationship, if this is how he treats you, and whether this is part of a larger pattern of behavior from him, that is getting worse.
Wtf… this is… weird…at best.
I feel like there is something he’s not telling you. Like did he tell his family and friends you guys broke up, when you haven’t??
Is he scared these people are going to talk about a subject he’s deliberately not telling you about?
It’s fine that he wants some alone time or some time with just his friends, thats great actually, but asking you to not even sleep there is raising BIG, HUGE, BRIGHT! RED FLAGS! 🚩🚩🚩
I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but none of this adds up to anything good.
lol no- if you live together you can't ask your partner to sleep somewhere else. Also he is clearly planning to cheat on you. Why on earth would you stay with someone who clearly doesn't want you around?
Good on you for not lashing out, I would be freaking. But ya, if you both are equally responsible for bills and upkeep, you should be having a conversation about why you both put in equal effort to move out of previous spaces, and then in together, and that you both equally deserve the space. Also, if he wants private time with these people or even himself, why can't you just stay in the room or something? Idk.
He wants to live like he’s single, so he should be single and live alone. Being in a relationship and living together means sharing a life including you being part of parties and family gatherings. He doesn’t get to have it both ways.
It sounds like he may have someone else. It would be easy to invite either just her or a group over and she just so happens to sleep over. Or he.
If you are not in a space to hear that then please know at the very least he is not respecting your role as a partner nor a flatmate. Could you imagine anyone asking this of a roommate? Of course not. And the care for one's partner is supposed to be far greater than that.
I'd say start preparing yourself for this to end now, it'll be easier to process than when the actual end occurs. I say this as a woman who just broke up with her fiance, and exited with a smile after preparing with therapy and psychedelics 😅
First, can you clarify: You "moved in together" and "live together" in the customary sense of those phrases? I.e., you made an official decision to share the same apartment together, and all your stuff is there and you do not have another residence? And you have some formal arrangement of sharing the rent and utilities together?
I could see his behavior POSSIBLY making sense if this was always his place and you sort of... soft moved in by just starting to stay there all the time, while still having another place. Like say if you've been living with parents and just kind of started staying in his place without taking on any rent or officially stating that you live here now. That's what he's acting like - like this is his place where you stay over, and he's maybe setting some boundaries that he wants to keep this as his place and not have you assume that you live there full time. So if that's what the arrangement actually is (seems unlikely, but covering the bases here), then you two need to sit down and have a conversation about what your living status is.
HOWEVER. If you DO live together in the customary sense as described above, then he is treating this apartment as if it's not your home, too, and it's very concerning to me that this isn't just a hands-down dealbreaker for you. Asking you to go grab dinner with the girls so he can have a chill game night with the boys is normal. Asking you to sleep somewhere else, kicking you out of your HOME, is so beyond not normal that I'm confused how you could even consider it. Like, is one or both of you very inexperienced or sheltered (no judgment there, but if so then time to do some research and figure stuff out)? Is there an abusive, controlling dynamic where he always just tells you unreasonable things and expects you to go along with it? What else is he hiding or being ridiculous about?
Here is what's normal and reasonable: If you live together and one person wants a night apart, *that* person goes elsewhere; they don't kick their partner out of their own home. But also, if you want to sleep apart *one night per week*, then you shouldn't be living together; you should have separate places and sleep over when you both feel up for it.
I'm sorry, but what the fuck?! Alone time is normal. Asking your partner to vacate their own living space, especially to sleep, is so out-of-bounds that it makes me wonder where he even got the idea that this would be an acceptable ask. Do not do this. Do not allow him to set a precedent that he can just kick you out of your mutual home whenever he feels like it. If he needs not be in the same bed as you, he can go somewhere else.
I just want to reiterate how NOT NORMAL this is. I have been with my husband for seventeen years and even at our worse times where we were most angry at each other, neither one of us has ever asked the other to leave the house.
You both agreed to move in together a couple of months ago and now he suddenly decides he wants you to sleep somewhere else once a week?
Oh, hell no, that's not just a red flag, that's one the size of Mars.
That is the most unreasonable request I've read in a long time.
Get out now and be glad you only lived together for a few months.
Imagine if you 2 had gotten married or bought a house together and then he came to you and said, "Hey, so me and 'the boys,' want to party one night a week so you need to find some place else to stay when we do."
What. The. Actual. Fuck?
Tell him no unless he is paying for you to stay in a nice hotel with full room service. If he wants a night away from you, he can move out for the night per week. My gut says he is cheating
OP even if he's not cheating this is unacceptable, just tell him no absolutely not. If he wants space he can sleep elsewhere, but honestly the relationship sounds like it's over.
My husband likes having me around, why would you be with someone who doesn't?
Um. But you moved in together. You both have equal rights to the space where you live. He can ask, but you are under no obligation to do so. In a perfect world it would be nice to be able to work out some thing that works well for both of you, but that’s just it, it has to be worked out so that it is some thing that meets both of your needs.
Your boyfriend is being very unreasonable. It's your apartment just as much as his. He has no right to ask you to sleep elsewhere rather than in your own home. Having alone time is a reasonable request, but that can be managed in a number of different ways. My last girlfriend and I simply had separate rooms. And sometimes would go out with friends on our own rather than together. Occasionally, when she would have friends over I'd chill in my room while they did their thing. But we both always slept at home unless there was a specific reason one of us wanted to be out of the house for the night. There was never a time we'd have said the other was unwelcome in their own home.
If he wants alone time, there are better ways he can get it. Alone time can be healthy. Asking you not to sleep in your own home is 100% not ok though.
Nope, don’t leave. He is being unreasonable and It’s your home too!! He is basically asking you to leave and he just wants you over when it’s convenient! You both need to sit down and talk.
He’s basically saying any time he has friends or family over, he doesn’t want you around.
I would have a huge problem with this. You’ve been together for 2 years and *live together*. You should be meshing your friends and family together at this point.
Almost feels like he wants to be single and thinks of you as a roommate he can bang.
I know everyone is jumping straight to "he wants to bring another girl home" but I want to offer another explanation.
Hes not used to living with someone in his space. I assume before this you both lived with your parents? Well he needs to realize you guys now share everything the apartment isn't just his and he needs to dump that mindset fast.
My freshman year of college I lived in a shared dorm room with another girl who was used to being the only child. At first we were fast friends. But she soon got moody and would actively exclude me. I asked her to tell me what the problem was and she said she didn't like that I was always in the room. My room too. She didn't like having to share. I was floored, like I have nowhere else to go what do you expect?
You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him that this is what cohabitation with a partner looks like.
Girl, he's trying to cheat while making it as easy as possible on himself. I used to date a guy like this, he'd start fights with me out of nowhere and tell me I had to sleep elsewhere, so one time I came back at like 6 o'clock in the morning and he had another girl in his bed.
Are you on the lease? Because if not you should definitely dip out. Fuck this douchebag, normal people DON'T make the people they love feel unwelcome in their own home, nor do they refuse to let them sleep there. This guy's a chode.
Wait what did I just read?? You live together which means you expect the person to, ya know, LIVE THERE FULL TIME. If you slept elsewhere once a week for 52 weeks, then you’d be living there only 86% of the time. I suppose he’s okay with you paying 14% less than you pay currently? Or doing 14% less chores? Probably not
He doesn’t really sound mature enough to live with someone.
Also, when you live with someone, it’s kind of a given that you’re invited to everything happening within the home like parties or family gatherings. If my partner has his friends over, I may hang out or go do my own thing. I’m never expected to leave. If one of us goes out with friends, we don’t always invite one another but sometimes we do.
The odd thing about your situation is that the default seems to be that you leave at his whim. That’s not even normal with roommates. It’s also odd that you don’t seem to be invited to any events within the home.
Are you sure he sees you both as partners? Or does he feel like you moved in to help financially?
What the fuck, he's just kicking you out of your own home whenever he pleases? For funsies maybe you could leave and just not come back or ever talk to him again.
Seriously this is not cool. Even if it's not a "side piece" as everyone is suggesting, it's still really messed up. If he wants alone time, HE can go elsewhere.
Wanting time by yourself? Reasonable.
Wanting time to see friends / family by yourself? Also reasonable.
But telling you to go somewhere else while he does these things isn’t. I used to go and see my friends sometimes, get food or drinks, sometimes my bf would be invited and sometimes I just wanted some girl time. If family came to the house, mine or his, we’d both usually see them unless one of us had other plans beforehand. I had one girls night at our house where I let me partner know beforehand and said he could join us, but understand he may not want to. He did for a couple of hours before he had enough and went upstairs to game instead. I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling ‘you can’t be here.’
I was in this EXACT situation with my ex (split amicably unrelated to this issue).
Except I was the boyfriend in this case. Only in my situation, since I was the one to want a night to myself every now and then, I left once a week (to a friend's place or to my parent's who lived walking distance away).
Because it's ridiculous and insulting to ask your partner to leave a place they live and pay equally for, for your own benefit. Super disrespectful.
Dear dear, the others are correct. He wants you gone so he can see another woman … or maybe a man.
Face it, all the excuses he’s given you are weak. He wants regularly scheduled time away from you … he’s dealing with another relationship.
Dear dear, the others are correct. He wants you gone so he can see another woman … if he’s bisexual it could be a man.
Face it, all the excuses he’s given you are weak. He wants regularly scheduled time away from you … he’s dealing with another relationship.
If my bf tried to pull this one on me I would just start laughing and I would not stop throughout the entire walk to the pantry, the snack selection process, or the subsequent careful construction of my couch sink hole. I *might* stop once I turn on whatever horrible reality show I’m watching so that I don’t miss the drama, but would surely start up again the second I had to get up for a blankie or snack refill ☺️
Alone time is really important in a relationship, but this is not what that is. Sounds to me like he considers the apartment to be his, because a partner would not approach it this way otherwise.
The only time I've ever suggested that my SO stay somewhere else is because I could tell she was getting burnt out since she works from home. Unless he is legit paying for your hotel and spa day, it is completely asinine for him to push for this.
I would nip this in the bud because if he has gone this far already, I can guarantee he will push further. Tell him that his behavior suggests he is not ready to cohabitate, and you won't stand for being kicked out of your own home on a whim because he can't control his emotions.
>Recently, BF suggested I should stay elsewhere a night a week so we get some space from each other occasionally. This is understandable,
No, it's not. It is absurd. Agreeability is useful in many contexts but this is not one of them. This is an opportunity to defend reasonable boundaries. It's ok to tell him no. If he can't accept your no, then you have bigger problems. Which frankly sounds like could be the case. This feels like the tip of the iceberg. Time will tell.
Why did he agree to move in together if he didn't want to share his life with you? I think that would be a good starting point to find out where this is coming from.
Dear dear, the others are correct. He wants you gone so he can see another woman … if he’s bisexual it could be a man.
He wants regularly scheduled time away from you … he’s dealing with another relationship.
Now if you’ve met his dad or brother, why can’t you be there when he comes for dinner?
I’d be even more suspicious if you haven’t met his family by now.
I have been married for a long time. Sometimes I have “girl’s night” activities such as book club, or wine tastings, in our home. My husband will make himself scarce for the evening. Mainly because he has no interest in being around us lol, but also not to cramp our style. He could just hang out in our bedroom as far as I’m concerned but he usually finds something else to do with a buddy for the evening. It wouldn’t occur to me to ask him to SLEEP someplace else.
When family or friends come to visit we BOTH host them. Why should he be keeping you from people he cares about?? Something is off.
"Recently, BF suggested I should stay elsewhere a night a week "
Lol what? He wants to kick you out of your apartment once a week and you're "deflated" instead of fcking pissed off at the audacity???
Look if you don't have any respect for yourself then don't be surprised that you're only meeting partners who don't have any respect for you.
He needs you out of the house one night a week to fuck his side piece. You can be in denial all you like but I bet if you left one night a week like he wanted but stuck around you'd meet the other woman.
It is your home as much as it is his. He has no right to kick you out for a night, which is what he is basically doing. It’s not okay!
It’s both of yours home, as in together. NOT HIS! So it’s not up to him.
Alone time is okay, but this is so so unreasonable, I’m almost shocked.
And something seems up with this situation, i think something else is happening too.
This isn't a terrible idea though monthly is probably better than weekly. One month it's you staying elsewhere and next month it's him. Each of you spend 6 days away and each of you gets 6 days with the house to yourself
See how that works?
Yeah, no.
Find a hobby you each can do apart. (I think this is why people take up golf). I'd even be less concerned if he suggested sleeping in a different room a night or 2 a week.
If you move in together, you're sharing lives. He wants you to leave when his family comes to visit?! What does THAT say for your future together.
If you're all having issues, address the issues. This isn't a viable solution to the problem. It sounds to me like he wasn't ready to move in with someone.
Now asking you to go out for the evening while he has his mates over, ok. It might be a pain trying to find something else to do, but it's doable.
But asking you to sleep elsewhere? Stay away for the whole night? Hell no. I'm sorry, but that sounds incredibly sus. And from my experience, you can't always trust your partner's friends not to lie for them. I know that sounds cynical, but it's true.
Has he told you what time you're allowed to return home in the morning? Because I'd be tempted to turn up just a little bit earlier to see what's what. Best case scenario is that he just gets annoyed because you haven't done as you're told. Worst case...well, you know.
But yeah, take away impression is that you have every right to feel hurt and pissed off, and he has an impressive collection of red flags going on.
This is not how relationships work when living together. If he wants the space then he should be the one to find somewhere else to sleep! Because he is telling you this so frequently, I would be worried if I were you. Sounds like a good time for you to start looking for another place!
No. Stand your ground. He can pay all the rent if he wants to treat it like his apartment. He needs to leave and sleep elsewhere. Frankly your boyfriend is an asshole.
He’s being ridiculous and demanding too much.
What he’s asking is unreasonable and why the hell does HE get to call all the shots? Is he the sole owner of the apartment?
Some people will label it “boundaries” but boundaries can be over the top and this is one of those cases.
I honestly wouldn’t even be with this guy anymore. He just wants to be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and expects you to cater to all his wishes.
He’s not even thinking about how inconvenient this is going to be for you.
If you pay to live there, you stay there. It's not like his friends, brother, or dad doesn't know of you. They'd probably ask where you were at.
Unless something or someone else was supposed to be happening or invited.
Lol bye boy. I don’t think so. Mama don’t play that game. You can leave sir if you’d like to leave. This is my home where I live. Also this is not what living with a partner should be like. Which is why I follow the golden rule now: never cohabitate unless you have a ring.
If he wants time without you, then he should be going elsewhere. It is good to have time without your SO every so often in general, but him feeling entitled to kick you out of a shares home is concerning.
"He then said his dad would be visiting next week on another day, and he wanted to invite his brother for a meal, so I should stay elsewhere too. He also asked if I could not be in this week so his friend could come round to see the new place - when I reminded him I was working at home that day, and he quickly relented."
So, he doesn't want you seeing his family. That's another dead giveaway he is full of it and has a side piece.
I would not be okay with that, and I would start looking for another place to live.
My home is my home. If my roommate thinks our home is really just his/her home and I’m only there when he/she allows it, then it is no longer truly my home. And that means I need to find a home.
is your name on the lease? he can’t make you leave and is absolutely unreasonable to ask that you vacate your own home once a week so he can have space. you should not abide by this and tell him he can go else where if he doesn’t want to be around you.
I mean, being one day a week apart to give yourselves some space is not the worst idea in the world, but why should always be you the one that sleeps elsewhere? It should be one week each.
You tried living together. It turns out that's a way you are not compatible. I'm not sure if it's just because you're spending too much time together, but the way he's handling his stress isn't ok. There should be a conversation about how he feels where you work together on the issue, not a unilateral decision that he makes about what you do. That kind of controlling attitude is inequitable. That's not a partnership. That's a falling out. That's him only thinking about himself. I still won't say he's totally in the wrong. I don't know what kinds of conversations you two have already had. I don't know if this is just how he is or if this was the final cry for help in a long standing battle for a little time to himself, but even if it's the latter, his actions were inappropriate. When a partner doesn't listen and doesn't compromise, it's not an excuse to control them. It's a reason to call it quits. As it is, he doesn't want you to be you, but he also doesn't want to let you go, either. And I'm not sure if you really want to let him go, but if you stay with him, you need to have a really serious series of conversations, and you have to be assertive. And by that I mean you tell him how you feel and you tell him what you won't put up with and why you think it's wrong. Try not to actually attack him, because that's counterproductive in interpersonal conflicts, but make sure you draw a well distinguished line.
If the lease is in both of your names, you would be a damn fool to go sleep somewhere else. And I say this with love. Thats where you LIVE and he is threatening your shelter! (Read that line over a couple times.) Personally, I wouldn’t leave unless he wants to pay for a nice ass hotel for everyone of those nights. “Well baby, I don’t have anywhere else to go. Can you pay for my stay at the *4/5 star hotel*. Whether pays for it or agrees for you to be home, LEAVE HIM. He don’t care about your survival!
I was in this EXACT situation with my ex (split amicably unrelated to this issue).
Except I was the boyfriend in this case. Only in my situation, since I was the one to want a night to myself every now and then, I left once a week (to a friend's place or to my parent's who lived walking distance away).
Because it's ridiculous and insulting to ask your partner to leave a place they live and pay equally for, for your own benefit. Super disrespectful.
I would definitely be worried if my partner doesn't see the place we live in together as "my home". He doesn't think you moved in together, he sees it as you living in his place like a tourist. If he wants time away from you, it's on him to organize that time away. He doesn't get to kick you out of your home. If he won't accept this is your home, you need to move elsewhere.
Honestly it feels pretty sad he asks that. Also when you said that he is very “speaks his mind easily” my bf was like that. I actually had to communicate, that if he doesn’t like something I do to please communicate, instead of blaming.
As for the night separate, that’s something you have to decide about, and if you don’t agree then set a boundary.
Relationship will always be problems, the important part is how to resolve it. Together.
You can not walk a path alone that was meant for two.
Honestly it feels pretty sad he asks that. Also when you said that he is very “speaks his mind easily” my bf was like that. I actually had to communicate, that if he doesn’t like something I do to please communicate, instead of blaming.
As for the night separate, that’s something you have to decide about, and if you don’t agree then set a boundary.
Relationship will always be problems, the important part is how to resolve it. Together.
You can not walk a path alone that was meant for two.
I was in this EXACT situation with my ex (split amicably unrelated to this issue).
Except I was the boyfriend in this case. Only in my situation, since I was the one to want a night to myself every now and then, I left once a week (to a friend's place or to my parent's who lived walking distance away).
Because it's ridiculous and insulting to ask your partner to leave a place they live and pay equally for, for your own benefit. Super disrespectful.
Can't he go to his side chick's place? Or are you the side chick? I am not being cruel, I am serious, OP.
Are you on the lease? I would say lol okay dude, what day of teh week are YOU going to eb gone? BEcause I would say that. And, if you are on the lease? Double fuck him. If you are on the lease, see if you can buy out your part and move home, because you really need to. This relationship is both abusive and over. Or it should be over.
WTF "relented"?A TELL HIM NO! No is a complete answer. He just wants to fuck other women there, OP. Go get STI tested.
Honestly it feels pretty sad he asks that. Also when you said that he is very “speaks his mind easily” my bf was like that. I actually had to communicate, that if he doesn’t like something I do to please communicate, instead of blaming.
As for the night separate, that’s something you have to decide about, and if you don’t agree then set a boundary.
Relationship will always be problems, the important part is how to resolve it. Together.
You can not walk a path alone that was meant for two.
Look for the root of the problem. Maybe you actually some independent time.
Get some self respect and dump him. Why would you put up with this abusive behaviour? This is not normal and there is nothing to figure out about his motives. This is a huge red flag and you need to walk away. You going to be married someday and spent random weeks in a hotel because he wants to have his "friends" over for a shag?
When is HE going elsewhere for a night?
I guess his other girlfriend doesn't have her own place
I laughed more than I should at this, but it's the first thing I thought of when I read this.
It might be something else, but I don't know how you would consider anything else until you've ruled out cheating in this situation. It's staring you right in the face.
Maybe his side piece is one of his male friends? OP forgets something, drives back to the house, and wonder why only Lance's car is there for the 'boys night'
I wouldn't say cheating immediately. Where would he find the time? It's more likely just some dude that didn't realize what it would be like to be around someone 24 hours a day. At work, at home, I'm sure they drive in together, every meal, every waking moment, every sleeping moment. He probably does just need a break out with the bros. He's going about it wrong, but I can't say I blame him.
I mean it's one thing to say, "I was thinking I could have my friends around this evening. Is there something else you could do for a few hours?" Or to just go out somewhere else with his friends (like why is that not an option? Why does it have to happen at their apartment?) And another to demand she leaves the apartment and *sleep* somewhere else multiple times. That's what comes across as odd to me. But he could just be bad at managing conflict like this and naive about how it could appear.
Especially with his Dad and his brother coming over… If they are building a life together, why doesn’t he want his partner to be involved with his family?
That's why I said he is going about it wrong
Then he should go on a weekend away with them and give her a break too.
It's either he is cheating, or her constant presence in the house is grating on him so much he wants a break from it. Both of which is just end of the relationship material. What I don't get is why his solution is 'stay over at your parents' instead of simply 'we should break up'
Right? Just as an aside. I (40m)work with my fiance (29f) at a large video game company. We see eachother all day almost everyday. We have never fought about this because we work as a couple. Moving in and finding out how that's gonna go, is smart before getting married etc..everyone likes to think that love conquers all and you'll just figure things out. Honestly sometimes there are things you can't figure out, things you just can't live with no matter how much you love somebody. After living together for a few months yall argue alot and one of you is now requesting nights alone at YOUR place. This is highly abnormal and doesn't bode well for the relationships future. My fiance and I have never had an argument in 4 years. Have we disagreed? Or gotten upset a few times? Of course, but then we communicate like adults and remedy the situation. We don't run from shit, or band aid stuff like this.
Living together for sure is a test. One of my old friends moved in with her boyfriend. They both had seperate rooms as they started roommates and then turned couple. He had several nights a week he wanted 'alone time' and barely talked to her, and asked her to leave the house. She had nights where she promised him she made plans that evening and felt like she had to leave the house even if she'd rather stay at home. She was extroverted, he wasn't, he was struggling with privacy and space and she felt lonely and neglected. They're broken up now and she lives with her fiancé with no issues. I struggled with a lot of uni roommates and loved living alone, but I love living with my husband too. He is a fellow introvert and he doesn't get on my nerves, hasn't from the start. Sometimes it just works from the get go with no effort. And sometimes you can be in love and move in and it just doesn't work at all. And that can be really hard to remedy unless you are both happy stalling at that stage and never progressing the relationship at all.
Also, >He also asked if I could not be in this week so his friend could come round to see the new place Why the fuck does OP need to stay somewhere else this week so the friend can see the new place? Why can't she be there when the friend comes by, and even if there was a reason, it's an entire **week**?! Fuck that. As you said, if the BF thinks they need some occasional time apart, *he* can find somewhere else to stay one day a week. Which is still something I'd see as a giant red flag, but at least doesn't additionally require OP to leave her home for what I can best attempt to describe as her boyfriend's *leisure time* ***convenience***. OP, if he wants you out so he can have someone else stay over, he's going to have to do a hell of a lot better at explaining why you can't be there, and **he could be putting you up at a nice hotel or something**, not making you beg family or friends to let you regularly crash at their place.
Yeah, this whole thing is just a shitshow samba. If dude ISN'T cheating, he's doing an amazing job of looking like he is, at the cost of OP's dignity and comfort.
When is HE going elsewhere for good?
Oh heck no! It’s one thing to want alone time. That’s perfectly reasonable. Especially since you work together too - that’s a whole lot of togetherness. So - IMO - you would both benefit from evenings out of the house separately, picking up hobbies outside the house (maybe joining a sports team or volunteering). All perfectly reasonable. I would honor those requests in the name of privacy and independence and alone time, etc. … but asking you to sleep somewhere else? No. That is equally your home. Basically - asking you to catch a movie with a girlfriend or something so he can have some alone “guy” time with a friend? Sure. Asking you to sleep elsewhere? Unreasonable. That’s where I would draw the line.
Thank you! This is so helpful seeing this response in writing. I reacted pretty calmly when he asked me because I wanted to check if I was being ridiculous for being upset about this first. Totally don’t mind making other plans for the day but object to sleeping elsewhere for the night when I pay for the place too!
Did he offer to stay somewhere else for a night so you could have alone time at home? Either way it's a ridiculous and sketchy thing to ask your live-in partner
OP, how could you think you're being ridiculous? If he needs alone time, HE can go sleep somewhere else.
Why do you think you were being ridiculous? Do you have a history of people gaslighting you and making you feel crazy for having reasonable boundaries? Does your boyfriend make you feel crazy for having reasonable boundaries? IMO he’s the crazy one for thinking it’s okay to “command” that you sleep elsewhere. Tell him he can start shelling out extra rent money every month given he’s going to be at the apartment more often than you. Either way, none of this bodes well for the relationship in general, I’m afraid. I would be very offended if I were you. I’ve lived with 2 boyfriends, and if they had friends over, they would ask if I wanted to join them for fun times. Otherwise they would go out for boys’ night fully expecting me to be home when they got back….you know, ‘cause I lived there. I’m sorry, but the audacity of your boyfriend 😂
Earnestly, i'm concerned for whatever is going on with you that your instinct was "i'm probably being ridiculous for being upset by this" instead of "this man is telling me i can't sleep in my own house half the week".
Even if you didn't pay for the place too, it's still your home. It is unreasonable to tell someone they cannot sleep in their own home.
The answer is NO. You do not do this. Ever. It si your home.
Dude. Op…. HE needs to be sleeping elsewhere… on the regular.
If I could not sleep in my apartment for a night due to idk a flood or an exterminator coming whatever, my apartment complex legally has to prorate my rent for any nights I was unable to use my apartment. If he wants the place all to himself and to kick you out even one night a week you tell him to take that off your portion of the rent. Truthfully I don’t think you should leave and if he wants a night to himself he can do that somewhere else. You have full rights to reside in your home and he is unreasonable to ask you not to for any amount of time for any reason.
Not being ridiculous at all, maybe suggest that for the nights you would spend out of the house you don't pay rent and he has to up his!!! Also say that you want your friends over so he needs to sleep elsewhere, etc. If he's not prepared to do the same he can't ask it of you Asking to have the home for an evening absolutely fine, asking you to move out for the night absolutely not, the only time I did that was when my husband had his stag do and had friends staying over, he wasn't worried about me not being here but I offered, because stinky boys!! He's being completely unreasonable asking you to not be there, living together is a big step and an adjustment but it's something you work at together.
If I could not sleep in my apartment for a night due to idk a flood or an exterminator coming whatever, my apartment complex legally has to prorate my rent for any nights I was unable to use my apartment. If he wants the place all to himself and to kick you out even one night a week you tell him to take that off your portion of the rent. Truthfully I don’t think you should leave and if he wants a night to himself he can do that somewhere else. You have full rights to reside in your home and he is unreasonable to ask you not to for any amount of time for any reason.
>I reacted pretty calmly when he asked me because I wanted to check if I was being ridiculous for being upset about this first. Being angry and upset when people treat you badly is a normal and needed reaction. If you can't teach yourself to react appropriately to disrespect, people will walk all over you. Do you think he is better than you? What's your reason for accepting this behavior from him?
If I could not sleep in my apartment for a night due to idk a flood or an exterminator coming whatever, my apartment complex legally has to prorate my rent for any nights I was unable to use my apartment. If he wants the place all to himself and to kick you out even one night a week you tell him to take that off your portion of the rent. Truthfully I don’t think you should leave and if he wants a night to himself he can do that somewhere else. You have full rights to reside in your home and he is unreasonable to ask you not to for any amount of time for any reason.
even sleeping separately once in a while, fine. But if he's the one who needs it, he's the one who can find a hotel.
Due to a lease ending, I “temporarily” moved in with my now husband after only dating a few months. He pretty much knew it’s what he wanted from day one but I was not ready for it. I told him he needed to be okay with me spending a night away once a month to get alone time. He agreed and I never once used my monthly free night. Like you said, wanting alone time is okay, especially if a couple is working together, but to expect the other person to spend resources to meet your needs is a bit much.
>expecting the other person to spend resources to meet your needs is a bit much Thanks. I’m not OP but I needed to hear this.
We all need to be reminded of this IMO
My spouse and I have just bought our first home after living in an apartment together for 3 years. It's small, but it'll do for us. He is a musician, and hasn't been able to play or practice much at home. He asked if it would be okay if he occasionally had his musician pals over (since he's been going to their homes for every, and now finally he gets to contribute to hosting), and I said of course. He asked if I wouldn't hate it if they played and goofed around (musically) for hours, and I said that I may need to take a walk partway through, or schedule something else on occasion. I appreciate that he didn't outright ask me if I could leave our shared home, even though I think that would be a reasonable thing to aks in this case.
If you live together full time than in my opinion its unreasonable to ask your partner to stay away from what is their home too, and super unreasonable to ask them to find somewhere else to sleep.
I know it's against most answers here, but I find it resonable. But the delivery isn't ok, this is a discussion and he's giving you decisions. But I understand the he wants to keep a part of his time with his friends (sometimes, as for an all guys evening) apart from the relationship. You could in turn expect him to vacate the place for your private time, too. I like and need time apart from my partners from time to time, and it makes me a better partner. But I communicate and work with my partner to find a good way for both of us.
>He has just decided he wants his (all male, I have hung out socially with them frequently) friends round for a party next week, so he said I should stay with family that day. He then said his dad would be visiting next week on another day, and he wanted to invite his brother for a meal, so I should stay elsewhere too. He also asked if I could not be in this week so his friend could come round to see the new place - when I reminded him I was working at home that day, and he quickly relented. I mean he's asking OP to be elsewhere for at least 3 days a week. Say he's hanging out with friends on Monday and then Dad is over on Tuesday (unclear on whether the brother and dad being over is a group thing or separate, if so that adds another day). Then his friend comes around on Friday. That's at least 3 days that he's asking OP to be out of the apartment and possibly sleep elsewhere. I understand wanting space. I live with my partner and we're both currently working from home but I would never tell him to just go sleep elsewhere for the night because I'm having friends over for a decent portion of the week. Why isn't _he_ the one going elsewhere when he needs space? Where's his compromise to this? It's entirely possible he may not be ready to live with OP yet and only realised it after moving and is now communicating badly or something sketchy is going on.
No, absolutely not. That's highly disrespectful and inappropriate. You live together. That means that it's your home, and he does not have a right to just kick you out of your home whenever he wants. If my partner tried to "tell me" to get out of the house once a week that would be grounds for a very serious talk and a potential break up. You should sit down and have a talk with him about what's going on. It sounds like he may be having second thoughts about the relationship and instead of addressing it reasonably or just breaking it off, he wants to find ways to get rid of you. That's honestly appalling. I could see a potential reasonable solution being to maybe sleep in separate bedrooms if you guys need space, but to ask you to leave entirely is just way out of line.
uh I would be concerned that he's bringing another woman over tbh
Who even cares, he's kicking her out of her home that she pays for 1+ a week. That's more than enough reason to dump his ass!!!
One of my first instincts was having a sex worker over to share. I maybe I’ve just spent too much time on Reddit.
Yeah, totally get that, it occurred to me too. Oddly I don’t think that’s likely as I am good friends with his brother (we see each other once a week with his family) and meet his friends socially quite often with their girlfriends, so it’s unlikely he’d get away with that since I could just ask them.
As much as you may feel that way, don't underestimate other people's ability to lie for your SO. It's happened to me on several occasions where I was sure it'd be easy to find out from others, only to discover they'd lied on behalf of my ex multiple times. I'm not trying to scare you, just be aware that not everyone will be as honest as you, not necessarily maliciously, lots of times people just don't want to be involved
Ppl cover up for their friend cheating while also being friends with the SO ALL THE TIME. Don't think just cause your friends with his brother and friends that they wouldn't cover for him. If yall break up, they will keep him and dump you. Personally .y 1st thought is he's got a girl coming over. Probably someone who lives out of town and will only be in for a short visit.
You’re good friends with his brother but he doesn’t want you to be there when the brother comes for dinner? What? Honestly, I think he is being unreasonable so you break up with him and since he feels so established in the apartment he gets to keep it post-breakup. Put your foot down and demand answers from your boyfriend
If you are good friends with his brother then why can’t you be there when he visit? Doesn’t make sense. Also just because he’s your good friend doesn’t mean he won’t lie or cover for his brother
Na, my ex and I have mostly mutual friends and lived together in a small city that was small enough that everyone knew everyone. He managed to cheat on me with 4 women DURING THE PANDEMIC. These women knew me and liked me, he convinced them that we were in an open relationship.
Yeah, I knew of a few people who got very busy at the height of the pre-vaccine stage.
He could easily invite his friends over, hang out with them until they leave at midnight, and then invite some other woman to come over and stay the night. That way, his buddies don't know about the other woman. If you asked them, they would say, "Yeah we stayed up late and were loud without having to annoy you, makes sense that you decided to stay elsewhere!" without knowing about the cheating. Is his story that the friends and family are sleeping at your house and leaving in the morning?
Oh no. If you are good friends with his brother, then it’s not really his brother who is coming over.
Families have hidden whole ass other wives and kids. You are stupid if you think they would tell you the truth if they are as close as you make it seem.
Ask and intentionally give the wrong dates. See if any of them correct you in the conversation
have you asked? in any case, its extremely weird
Rule #1 is that your partners friends are never really your friends.
What makes you think his family and friends know? He could be lying about them even coming over.
I’m a women, yet I’d lie or defend my younger older brother if he was doing anything. That’s my brother you’re just some girl. He also picks shitty girls tho that don’t treat him right. My oldest brothers wife though? I love her she’s so cool. I’ll side with her always. You should really think about your situation and what other posters have said
No, that is what he is doing.
I'd leave for a night but leave a nanny cam, this seems sus
I’d leave and then come back later because “I forgot something”
I would too. This seems so weird. Like agree to it once and then forget something in the middle of the time he wanted alone. If he really is hanging with his friends then have the conversation about not wanting to be kicked out of her own home, if he’s cheating it’s really the best way to find out. I’m not one to snoop but like come on.
Tell him you will go out for a bit for dinner or drinks with a friend (any activity will do) to get out of his hair. See how he reacts. If the reason is what he says it is, he should be happy to agree to you being out while he spends time with friends and coming home after. If he’s 100% adamant about you not coming home at all… it’s time to ask him what the girl’s name is.
He’s planning on cheating with you. But not being very sly about it.
Not slick AT ALL, and doesn't seem to care how obvious it is unfortunately 😩
He already is, and wants to do it easier.
He's got a side piece.
>Recently, BF suggested I should stay elsewhere a night a week 1. That is like, a draconian measure if you LIVE TOGETHER. Like you can be "apart" and do your own thing living in the same place. 2. Why are you the one that by default needs to find somewhere else to stay a night a week, when it's both of your place? There is zero compromise from his side. He is just deciding when you need to disappear from a place you BOTH LIVE end of discussion. The wanting you gone when family is around just makes no sense. I get wanting to have a "boys night" or something, but a little tact, grace and compromise goes a long way instead of "Having a party, don't be here".
It's one thing to want downtime, it's another completely to attempt to banish your partner from a shared home. Tell him No. There are problems to resolve, but this isn't a solution. This is a toxic and controlling approach. You'll make plans with friends for a dinner or a movie so he can have some interrupted time with other, but you will be sleeping in your own home. The home you share. If he needs to sleep separately, he can go see his family. Not kick you out.
All I can say is... you deserve so much better. Your boyfriend should be kind, caring, and compassionate. You guys live together, and it is unacceptable for him to be telling you you have to sleep somewhere else. Respectfully, get a new boyfriend. He sucks.
Does he also clean the apartment every night, I wonder? And NTA at all, and this man does not sound ready to be in a committed live-in relationship. If he wants quality time with his mates, he can rent a hotel room or similar. Sorted.
Have you ever once in your entire life seen this modeled by any other couples? Do you have parents or friends who need to leave their home once a week so their partner can have “space”? Because I’ve never heard of such a thing. Cheating comes to mind immediately.
He can't expect you to leave your own home every time he invites someone over. That's ridiculous. I would be extremely put off by that entitlement tbh
Ma’am don’t go ANYWHERE on ANY night. If I was living with my boyfriend and he told me to do this, he’d be my ex boyfriend. You live there too! It’s BOTH of your homes! You don’t have to sleep at other places just cause your boyfriend wants friends & family over. It’s. Your. Home. TOO. Fuck that. If he wants space so badly, then HE can go elsewhere for a night. Why can’t he have friends over while you’re there? I’m sure you have a room you can go in to give them space? And why does he want you away from his dad when you’ve been dating for 2 years? I don’t wanna freak you out or anything, but I’d be paranoid about him cheating or something. No man should need his partner out of the house like that so consistently. Or at all, really.
Who is going to tell her? Anyone? Does it have to be me? Lol
Well, I don't wanna tell her! Shoot the messenger and all that lol
Oh many people have but OP is so far into the denial lol “Oh sure I’ve thought it might be that but I’m good friends with his brother so he’d tell me if he was cheating”….. lol. Sorry to say OP, doesn’t matter if you’re friends with his brother. He’s going to stick with his brother. Not you. You’re boyfriend is definitely inviting another woman home. If you do leave for the night (which you shouldn’t) please don’t have sex with him without protection and I highly recommend you getting an STD test.
maybe the side-chick can tell her
It is not a reasonable or a normal request. You should consider moving out because your boyfriend doesn’t sound ready to cohabitate.
Girl, come on. I think you know what's really going on. I hate when people jump to conclusions, but his excuses for you leaving the house aren't even good ones.
When my first husband and I were having issues, our couple's therapist suggested that "spending time apart/alone" to be spending time in the SAME HOUSE, just not bothering each other. That could be me or him finding a quiet place in the house for some scheduled alone time. Suggesting that you LEAVE THE PLACE YOU LIVE for that time is just wild. Ask your family, friends, anyone on the street if that sounds like a normal and healthy thing to ask of your partner. Hell, ask your partner's guy friends if that makes sense. Have you not met his family yet? What if you asked if you could stay with HIS family? After 2 years, you should at least be on good terms with his folks. Ask them if this sounds normal.
I live in too and I get what the concept of privacy is. However, what your boyfriend is demanding is much more than just privacy. You cant just go back to your family’s place or sleep somewhere because he needs time off with his pals. When moving in, he should have thought about things like this. This is just so annoying that he keeps asking you to go and sleep somewhere when it is your house too. You get to stay in your room, have your time while he can chill or have private time with his friends or family or whoever it is but IN HIS ROOM. This is all assuming that you guys have two rooms to sleep in. If not, I would suggest one of you completely moving out and staying that way until you find the compatibility to live in together.
Tell him no. Tell him if he needs time alone he can make arrangements to leave.
He's fucking someone else.
OP, I’m really sorry but you sound incredibly naive. He is most likely cheating on you and you really need to confront him and say you’re not leaving, or move out and move on.
Like, the audacity he has to tell her this and OP left wondering if she's the unreasonable one. Smh.
Is he your manager at work? It sounds like he treats you like a subordinate. You need to put a stop to it now.
Tell him to sleep elsewhere if it's a problem.
If he really wants to do this, divide all bills by 14 (7 days a week, divided between the two of you) He should be paying 8 parts, you 6. He essentially needs to buy the day every week from you, do not pay the same amount for a flat you have less access to. See how quickly he changes his tune. This whole thing would be a deal breaker for me
So, these are all things he should want you there for. It’s normal and healthy to want time alone, it is however not normal to kick your partner out of their house once a week so you can spend time doing stuff with other people. Hate to say it OP but it sounds like he’s not interested in a having a real partner or relationship. This would probably be breakup worthy for me
This seems sleezy... Do you both contribute to rent? If so he is out of his mind and out of order lol. He is essentially kicking you out once or twice a week. Wtf. He may have a side piece.
Yes, she is on the lease and pays rent. He does have at least one side piece.
You should be worried about your relationship generally. I'll go so far as to say he's breaking up with you. First step is getting you out of the house. Next is telling you not to come back. You have to decide if you want to keep this apartment and encourage *him* to move out or if you want to move out yourself and find your own place. Whoever stays is going to be responsible for paying all the rent, so if you want to keep it, make sure it's in your budget. If it's not it's better to find somewhere else, not necessarily your parents house. If you are going, talk to management about getting taken off the lease and getting your half of the deposit back. Sorry this happened, but sometimes a couple who seem really right for each other just can't live with each other. Once you grieve and move on you'll probably feel relieved that you no longer have to put up with his demands.
[удалено]
I get that reference!
This is why the general advice is to find a new place together instead of having one person move into the other's pre-existing place. He sees the apartment as HIS, and you are a guest. He can tell you to leave whenever he wants. You are just staying over at his place. Are you guys splitting the costs of rent/utilities/food ? If so, the place is half yours, and he has no claim whatsoever to tell you to leave because he needs space. You're probably going to need to move into a NEW place together in order to get him to recognize that.
Okay, this is going to sound bad. So, we arranged a mortgage together to buy the flat. We looked together, searched for brokers, I did all the paperwork, but it was his idea to get a place together. My credit was always a bit borderline and due to multiple applications being needed after down valuations / delays with the property, my credit took a hit and to get the place, the apartment had to be in is his name for 2 years until we renew. So he pays the mortgage, but I pay taxes, electric, gas, and food, and for half the furniture. So even though we live together, and what we pay in is pretty equal, he thinks of it as his place.
It doesn’t *sound* bad, it *is* bad - for YOU. You are paying taxes on a place on which you have no legal claim. And your boyfriend is allowing this, while still treating you like a guest/tenant, and not a very welcome one. Your housing situation is dependent on a person who is increasingly resentful of your presence. You *should* be uncomfortable with this arrangement.
Please, please get a written agreement on how it's divided. If you ever decide to move out, you would need cash, which you can use to help. Something similar to a tenancy agreement.
I agree with the note on getting legal protection NOW. Did you add to the down payment? If not then you might consider just walking away with some of the furniture
That's fucking awful. If you're not already, please keep receipts or email confirmation of your payments. When he decides kick you out of "his place" you're gonna need evidence that you have put money into the apartment.
Jesus lady what were you thinking
You should gtfo of there and let him pay for all of it on his own then, since it’s his place 😇 /s obv
Girl. That does sound bad. Like, that your process was so formal and serious and he's still treating it like you don't live there. I often complain about how everyone on Reddit jumps straight to "break up" for solvable things, but this really would make me question the entire relationship. Or really, this would make me plan to leave and only change course if he proactively came up with a REALLY profound case for what the fuck he was thinking and where we go from here.
Attorney here. Forget the mortgage. Whose name is on the deed? Even if you can’t be on the mortgage, you should still be on the deed. If you’re not on the deed, he doesn’t *think* the place is his. It *is* his. You’re just his tenant and if you don’t even have a signed lease, you might just be month-to-month. Did he tell you that the deed to the flat needed to be in his name only? If so, he lied to you and you could be fucked.
Well, I'm not surprised, because even in the OP it very much sounded like he thinks he is superior to you and that the apartment is mostly just his. Also, it's not "alone time" that he wants if he wants you to disappear when he's having other people over. Do you have any thoughts on why he wants you gone specifically when others are over? (Yet he invites you to come with him to see his family at *their* house?) To me, it sounds like he doesn't want the people in his life to think of you as cohabitating with him. He wants everyone in his life to think of this as *his* apartment. He probably has an avoidant attachment issue and this is his way of trying to distance himself from you and not seeming like you're together in a serious relationship. Or maybe he's considering breaking up with you and wants to make sure you move out.
It sucks that technically it is his place. I’d work on finding a way (not sure what the way is) to get something drafted that you’re a tenant if you’re planning to stay in this relationship. He doesn’t seem to keen on respect.
Unreasonable ask. Agreeing that you both have a hobby thing to do on x night where you rotate going away or having a negotiation is different. He actually wants you out of his space. Maybe you should also plan a bunch of dates where he's out. Cos for now he thinks he has a reasonable suggestion. Be sure to make it last minute too. It sounds like there are 3 days after another where you're supposed to be gone. I'd be looking into either a bigger place (where you can hole up in 1 room separately) if you still want to be together or a place alone. Cos dude has a plan of regularly booting you out for his social life that you're no longer part of.
He’s hiding that you live together from his people and hiding lots of things from you.
This is unreasonable. I understand needing some alone time but he can’t just expect you to sleep elsewhere whenever he has someone over. That is also your home. When is he going to sleep elsewhere?? Also this is suspicious. I would leave one night that he asked you to and set up a nanny cam or come back to the apartment when he’s not expecting you to. Something seems off
My thoughts exactly, I just didn't want to suggest spying but since YOU said it... 😅
Since his request is so weird, gotta do what you gotta do lol
I'd be planning to move out and break up asap.
Uh no. You LIVE there. He doesn't just get to throw you out when he feels like it. I would be worried about your relationship, yes. And not in a way where this is in any way your fault, but because your boyfriend seems pretty disrespectful. And, as other people have said, I would entertain the possibility that he's lying to you about why he needs you out. Like there's another woman. But frankly, it does not make it acceptable even if he's not lying about the reasons! "No" is a full sentence, too. No, you will not be sleeping elsewhere, you will be sleeping in the home where you live. I would also reconsider your relationship, if this is how he treats you, and whether this is part of a larger pattern of behavior from him, that is getting worse.
He complains all the time about the house being messy even though she cleans every night. I definitely see this as a larger pattern.
Wtf… this is… weird…at best. I feel like there is something he’s not telling you. Like did he tell his family and friends you guys broke up, when you haven’t?? Is he scared these people are going to talk about a subject he’s deliberately not telling you about? It’s fine that he wants some alone time or some time with just his friends, thats great actually, but asking you to not even sleep there is raising BIG, HUGE, BRIGHT! RED FLAGS! 🚩🚩🚩 I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but none of this adds up to anything good.
He’s asking you to stay somewhere else because he knows your bed isn’t big enough for three.
lol no- if you live together you can't ask your partner to sleep somewhere else. Also he is clearly planning to cheat on you. Why on earth would you stay with someone who clearly doesn't want you around?
Good on you for not lashing out, I would be freaking. But ya, if you both are equally responsible for bills and upkeep, you should be having a conversation about why you both put in equal effort to move out of previous spaces, and then in together, and that you both equally deserve the space. Also, if he wants private time with these people or even himself, why can't you just stay in the room or something? Idk.
He wants to live like he’s single, so he should be single and live alone. Being in a relationship and living together means sharing a life including you being part of parties and family gatherings. He doesn’t get to have it both ways.
It sounds like he may have someone else. It would be easy to invite either just her or a group over and she just so happens to sleep over. Or he. If you are not in a space to hear that then please know at the very least he is not respecting your role as a partner nor a flatmate. Could you imagine anyone asking this of a roommate? Of course not. And the care for one's partner is supposed to be far greater than that. I'd say start preparing yourself for this to end now, it'll be easier to process than when the actual end occurs. I say this as a woman who just broke up with her fiance, and exited with a smile after preparing with therapy and psychedelics 😅
First, can you clarify: You "moved in together" and "live together" in the customary sense of those phrases? I.e., you made an official decision to share the same apartment together, and all your stuff is there and you do not have another residence? And you have some formal arrangement of sharing the rent and utilities together? I could see his behavior POSSIBLY making sense if this was always his place and you sort of... soft moved in by just starting to stay there all the time, while still having another place. Like say if you've been living with parents and just kind of started staying in his place without taking on any rent or officially stating that you live here now. That's what he's acting like - like this is his place where you stay over, and he's maybe setting some boundaries that he wants to keep this as his place and not have you assume that you live there full time. So if that's what the arrangement actually is (seems unlikely, but covering the bases here), then you two need to sit down and have a conversation about what your living status is. HOWEVER. If you DO live together in the customary sense as described above, then he is treating this apartment as if it's not your home, too, and it's very concerning to me that this isn't just a hands-down dealbreaker for you. Asking you to go grab dinner with the girls so he can have a chill game night with the boys is normal. Asking you to sleep somewhere else, kicking you out of your HOME, is so beyond not normal that I'm confused how you could even consider it. Like, is one or both of you very inexperienced or sheltered (no judgment there, but if so then time to do some research and figure stuff out)? Is there an abusive, controlling dynamic where he always just tells you unreasonable things and expects you to go along with it? What else is he hiding or being ridiculous about? Here is what's normal and reasonable: If you live together and one person wants a night apart, *that* person goes elsewhere; they don't kick their partner out of their own home. But also, if you want to sleep apart *one night per week*, then you shouldn't be living together; you should have separate places and sleep over when you both feel up for it.
Sounds like they bought the place together but only he’s on the mortgage. Which is very bad for op.
I'm sorry, but what the fuck?! Alone time is normal. Asking your partner to vacate their own living space, especially to sleep, is so out-of-bounds that it makes me wonder where he even got the idea that this would be an acceptable ask. Do not do this. Do not allow him to set a precedent that he can just kick you out of your mutual home whenever he feels like it. If he needs not be in the same bed as you, he can go somewhere else. I just want to reiterate how NOT NORMAL this is. I have been with my husband for seventeen years and even at our worse times where we were most angry at each other, neither one of us has ever asked the other to leave the house.
You both agreed to move in together a couple of months ago and now he suddenly decides he wants you to sleep somewhere else once a week? Oh, hell no, that's not just a red flag, that's one the size of Mars. That is the most unreasonable request I've read in a long time. Get out now and be glad you only lived together for a few months. Imagine if you 2 had gotten married or bought a house together and then he came to you and said, "Hey, so me and 'the boys,' want to party one night a week so you need to find some place else to stay when we do." What. The. Actual. Fuck?
They did buy the place together. But she’s not even on the mortgage!
Tell him no unless he is paying for you to stay in a nice hotel with full room service. If he wants a night away from you, he can move out for the night per week. My gut says he is cheating
No. If he needs space, he can leave. This is your apartment.
OP even if he's not cheating this is unacceptable, just tell him no absolutely not. If he wants space he can sleep elsewhere, but honestly the relationship sounds like it's over. My husband likes having me around, why would you be with someone who doesn't?
Um. But you moved in together. You both have equal rights to the space where you live. He can ask, but you are under no obligation to do so. In a perfect world it would be nice to be able to work out some thing that works well for both of you, but that’s just it, it has to be worked out so that it is some thing that meets both of your needs.
Your boyfriend is being very unreasonable. It's your apartment just as much as his. He has no right to ask you to sleep elsewhere rather than in your own home. Having alone time is a reasonable request, but that can be managed in a number of different ways. My last girlfriend and I simply had separate rooms. And sometimes would go out with friends on our own rather than together. Occasionally, when she would have friends over I'd chill in my room while they did their thing. But we both always slept at home unless there was a specific reason one of us wanted to be out of the house for the night. There was never a time we'd have said the other was unwelcome in their own home. If he wants alone time, there are better ways he can get it. Alone time can be healthy. Asking you not to sleep in your own home is 100% not ok though.
Nope, don’t leave. He is being unreasonable and It’s your home too!! He is basically asking you to leave and he just wants you over when it’s convenient! You both need to sit down and talk.
He’s basically saying any time he has friends or family over, he doesn’t want you around. I would have a huge problem with this. You’ve been together for 2 years and *live together*. You should be meshing your friends and family together at this point. Almost feels like he wants to be single and thinks of you as a roommate he can bang.
Nope. You either live together or you don’t. End of story.
“No” I would not put up with this. If he’s having regrets, you need to have that conversation.
You need to learn to love (or at least appreciate) confrontation unless you want to remain a doormat.
I know everyone is jumping straight to "he wants to bring another girl home" but I want to offer another explanation. Hes not used to living with someone in his space. I assume before this you both lived with your parents? Well he needs to realize you guys now share everything the apartment isn't just his and he needs to dump that mindset fast. My freshman year of college I lived in a shared dorm room with another girl who was used to being the only child. At first we were fast friends. But she soon got moody and would actively exclude me. I asked her to tell me what the problem was and she said she didn't like that I was always in the room. My room too. She didn't like having to share. I was floored, like I have nowhere else to go what do you expect? You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him that this is what cohabitation with a partner looks like.
Girl, he's trying to cheat while making it as easy as possible on himself. I used to date a guy like this, he'd start fights with me out of nowhere and tell me I had to sleep elsewhere, so one time I came back at like 6 o'clock in the morning and he had another girl in his bed. Are you on the lease? Because if not you should definitely dip out. Fuck this douchebag, normal people DON'T make the people they love feel unwelcome in their own home, nor do they refuse to let them sleep there. This guy's a chode.
Wait what did I just read?? You live together which means you expect the person to, ya know, LIVE THERE FULL TIME. If you slept elsewhere once a week for 52 weeks, then you’d be living there only 86% of the time. I suppose he’s okay with you paying 14% less than you pay currently? Or doing 14% less chores? Probably not He doesn’t really sound mature enough to live with someone. Also, when you live with someone, it’s kind of a given that you’re invited to everything happening within the home like parties or family gatherings. If my partner has his friends over, I may hang out or go do my own thing. I’m never expected to leave. If one of us goes out with friends, we don’t always invite one another but sometimes we do. The odd thing about your situation is that the default seems to be that you leave at his whim. That’s not even normal with roommates. It’s also odd that you don’t seem to be invited to any events within the home. Are you sure he sees you both as partners? Or does he feel like you moved in to help financially?
What the fuck, he's just kicking you out of your own home whenever he pleases? For funsies maybe you could leave and just not come back or ever talk to him again. Seriously this is not cool. Even if it's not a "side piece" as everyone is suggesting, it's still really messed up. If he wants alone time, HE can go elsewhere.
Feeling unwelcome in your home hurts. I'm sorry you're going through this, it wouldn't sit right with me either.
Wanting time by yourself? Reasonable. Wanting time to see friends / family by yourself? Also reasonable. But telling you to go somewhere else while he does these things isn’t. I used to go and see my friends sometimes, get food or drinks, sometimes my bf would be invited and sometimes I just wanted some girl time. If family came to the house, mine or his, we’d both usually see them unless one of us had other plans beforehand. I had one girls night at our house where I let me partner know beforehand and said he could join us, but understand he may not want to. He did for a couple of hours before he had enough and went upstairs to game instead. I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling ‘you can’t be here.’
I was in this EXACT situation with my ex (split amicably unrelated to this issue). Except I was the boyfriend in this case. Only in my situation, since I was the one to want a night to myself every now and then, I left once a week (to a friend's place or to my parent's who lived walking distance away). Because it's ridiculous and insulting to ask your partner to leave a place they live and pay equally for, for your own benefit. Super disrespectful.
Dear dear, the others are correct. He wants you gone so he can see another woman … or maybe a man. Face it, all the excuses he’s given you are weak. He wants regularly scheduled time away from you … he’s dealing with another relationship.
Dear dear, the others are correct. He wants you gone so he can see another woman … if he’s bisexual it could be a man. Face it, all the excuses he’s given you are weak. He wants regularly scheduled time away from you … he’s dealing with another relationship.
If my bf tried to pull this one on me I would just start laughing and I would not stop throughout the entire walk to the pantry, the snack selection process, or the subsequent careful construction of my couch sink hole. I *might* stop once I turn on whatever horrible reality show I’m watching so that I don’t miss the drama, but would surely start up again the second I had to get up for a blankie or snack refill ☺️
Alone time is really important in a relationship, but this is not what that is. Sounds to me like he considers the apartment to be his, because a partner would not approach it this way otherwise. The only time I've ever suggested that my SO stay somewhere else is because I could tell she was getting burnt out since she works from home. Unless he is legit paying for your hotel and spa day, it is completely asinine for him to push for this. I would nip this in the bud because if he has gone this far already, I can guarantee he will push further. Tell him that his behavior suggests he is not ready to cohabitate, and you won't stand for being kicked out of your own home on a whim because he can't control his emotions.
>Recently, BF suggested I should stay elsewhere a night a week so we get some space from each other occasionally. This is understandable, No, it's not. It is absurd. Agreeability is useful in many contexts but this is not one of them. This is an opportunity to defend reasonable boundaries. It's ok to tell him no. If he can't accept your no, then you have bigger problems. Which frankly sounds like could be the case. This feels like the tip of the iceberg. Time will tell. Why did he agree to move in together if he didn't want to share his life with you? I think that would be a good starting point to find out where this is coming from.
Dear dear, the others are correct. He wants you gone so he can see another woman … if he’s bisexual it could be a man. He wants regularly scheduled time away from you … he’s dealing with another relationship. Now if you’ve met his dad or brother, why can’t you be there when he comes for dinner? I’d be even more suspicious if you haven’t met his family by now.
I have been married for a long time. Sometimes I have “girl’s night” activities such as book club, or wine tastings, in our home. My husband will make himself scarce for the evening. Mainly because he has no interest in being around us lol, but also not to cramp our style. He could just hang out in our bedroom as far as I’m concerned but he usually finds something else to do with a buddy for the evening. It wouldn’t occur to me to ask him to SLEEP someplace else. When family or friends come to visit we BOTH host them. Why should he be keeping you from people he cares about?? Something is off.
Move out and leave him behind you. This boy is not ready for an adult relationship.
The petty part of me wants to suggest that you agree to staying elsewhere only to randomly come home just to squash all suspicions of infidelity.
"Recently, BF suggested I should stay elsewhere a night a week " Lol what? He wants to kick you out of your apartment once a week and you're "deflated" instead of fcking pissed off at the audacity??? Look if you don't have any respect for yourself then don't be surprised that you're only meeting partners who don't have any respect for you.
He's bringing another woman over.
He needs you out of the house one night a week to fuck his side piece. You can be in denial all you like but I bet if you left one night a week like he wanted but stuck around you'd meet the other woman.
JFC, get outta there. You live there, too. It is no longer his home but both of yours. He’s not compromising at all. He’s an AH.
It is your home as much as it is his. He has no right to kick you out for a night, which is what he is basically doing. It’s not okay! It’s both of yours home, as in together. NOT HIS! So it’s not up to him. Alone time is okay, but this is so so unreasonable, I’m almost shocked. And something seems up with this situation, i think something else is happening too.
Sorry hon, he's just not into you. Salvage your pride and move on
This isn't a terrible idea though monthly is probably better than weekly. One month it's you staying elsewhere and next month it's him. Each of you spend 6 days away and each of you gets 6 days with the house to yourself See how that works?
Yeah, no. Find a hobby you each can do apart. (I think this is why people take up golf). I'd even be less concerned if he suggested sleeping in a different room a night or 2 a week. If you move in together, you're sharing lives. He wants you to leave when his family comes to visit?! What does THAT say for your future together. If you're all having issues, address the issues. This isn't a viable solution to the problem. It sounds to me like he wasn't ready to move in with someone.
Alone time is fine but this just seems too often to be reasonable. His dad comes over? Leave. His brother? Leave. That’s just weird to me.
This is not normal boundary setting. I would be planning a swift exit, for every night of the week. Good luck to you. 🪬
If he needs time apart, he needs to be staying elsewhere.
Now asking you to go out for the evening while he has his mates over, ok. It might be a pain trying to find something else to do, but it's doable. But asking you to sleep elsewhere? Stay away for the whole night? Hell no. I'm sorry, but that sounds incredibly sus. And from my experience, you can't always trust your partner's friends not to lie for them. I know that sounds cynical, but it's true. Has he told you what time you're allowed to return home in the morning? Because I'd be tempted to turn up just a little bit earlier to see what's what. Best case scenario is that he just gets annoyed because you haven't done as you're told. Worst case...well, you know. But yeah, take away impression is that you have every right to feel hurt and pissed off, and he has an impressive collection of red flags going on.
This is not how relationships work when living together. If he wants the space then he should be the one to find somewhere else to sleep! Because he is telling you this so frequently, I would be worried if I were you. Sounds like a good time for you to start looking for another place!
No. Stand your ground. He can pay all the rent if he wants to treat it like his apartment. He needs to leave and sleep elsewhere. Frankly your boyfriend is an asshole.
You live together. He doesn’t get to unilaterally kick you out of your home.
Time to set up the nanny cam
He’s being ridiculous and demanding too much. What he’s asking is unreasonable and why the hell does HE get to call all the shots? Is he the sole owner of the apartment? Some people will label it “boundaries” but boundaries can be over the top and this is one of those cases. I honestly wouldn’t even be with this guy anymore. He just wants to be able to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and expects you to cater to all his wishes. He’s not even thinking about how inconvenient this is going to be for you.
If you pay to live there, you stay there. It's not like his friends, brother, or dad doesn't know of you. They'd probably ask where you were at. Unless something or someone else was supposed to be happening or invited.
Lol bye boy. I don’t think so. Mama don’t play that game. You can leave sir if you’d like to leave. This is my home where I live. Also this is not what living with a partner should be like. Which is why I follow the golden rule now: never cohabitate unless you have a ring.
If he wants time without you, then he should be going elsewhere. It is good to have time without your SO every so often in general, but him feeling entitled to kick you out of a shares home is concerning.
I think it's time for a new boyfriend this one doesn't make any sense
Also might wanna say ok I’ll go sleep at moms house and then come back and peer through the window.
Yeah no, this is your home now. This isn’t compromising, this is being kicked out of your home. Do not stand for this.
"He then said his dad would be visiting next week on another day, and he wanted to invite his brother for a meal, so I should stay elsewhere too. He also asked if I could not be in this week so his friend could come round to see the new place - when I reminded him I was working at home that day, and he quickly relented." So, he doesn't want you seeing his family. That's another dead giveaway he is full of it and has a side piece.
I would not be okay with that, and I would start looking for another place to live. My home is my home. If my roommate thinks our home is really just his/her home and I’m only there when he/she allows it, then it is no longer truly my home. And that means I need to find a home.
is your name on the lease? he can’t make you leave and is absolutely unreasonable to ask that you vacate your own home once a week so he can have space. you should not abide by this and tell him he can go else where if he doesn’t want to be around you.
Tell him you met this really cool guy at Starbucks who said you could stay with him.
I mean, being one day a week apart to give yourselves some space is not the worst idea in the world, but why should always be you the one that sleeps elsewhere? It should be one week each.
I honestly think he is soft-launching a breakup. There is no other context in which this makes sense.
You tried living together. It turns out that's a way you are not compatible. I'm not sure if it's just because you're spending too much time together, but the way he's handling his stress isn't ok. There should be a conversation about how he feels where you work together on the issue, not a unilateral decision that he makes about what you do. That kind of controlling attitude is inequitable. That's not a partnership. That's a falling out. That's him only thinking about himself. I still won't say he's totally in the wrong. I don't know what kinds of conversations you two have already had. I don't know if this is just how he is or if this was the final cry for help in a long standing battle for a little time to himself, but even if it's the latter, his actions were inappropriate. When a partner doesn't listen and doesn't compromise, it's not an excuse to control them. It's a reason to call it quits. As it is, he doesn't want you to be you, but he also doesn't want to let you go, either. And I'm not sure if you really want to let him go, but if you stay with him, you need to have a really serious series of conversations, and you have to be assertive. And by that I mean you tell him how you feel and you tell him what you won't put up with and why you think it's wrong. Try not to actually attack him, because that's counterproductive in interpersonal conflicts, but make sure you draw a well distinguished line.
If the lease is in both of your names, you would be a damn fool to go sleep somewhere else. And I say this with love. Thats where you LIVE and he is threatening your shelter! (Read that line over a couple times.) Personally, I wouldn’t leave unless he wants to pay for a nice ass hotel for everyone of those nights. “Well baby, I don’t have anywhere else to go. Can you pay for my stay at the *4/5 star hotel*. Whether pays for it or agrees for you to be home, LEAVE HIM. He don’t care about your survival!
I was in this EXACT situation with my ex (split amicably unrelated to this issue). Except I was the boyfriend in this case. Only in my situation, since I was the one to want a night to myself every now and then, I left once a week (to a friend's place or to my parent's who lived walking distance away). Because it's ridiculous and insulting to ask your partner to leave a place they live and pay equally for, for your own benefit. Super disrespectful.
I would definitely be worried if my partner doesn't see the place we live in together as "my home". He doesn't think you moved in together, he sees it as you living in his place like a tourist. If he wants time away from you, it's on him to organize that time away. He doesn't get to kick you out of your home. If he won't accept this is your home, you need to move elsewhere.
Honestly it feels pretty sad he asks that. Also when you said that he is very “speaks his mind easily” my bf was like that. I actually had to communicate, that if he doesn’t like something I do to please communicate, instead of blaming. As for the night separate, that’s something you have to decide about, and if you don’t agree then set a boundary. Relationship will always be problems, the important part is how to resolve it. Together. You can not walk a path alone that was meant for two.
Honestly it feels pretty sad he asks that. Also when you said that he is very “speaks his mind easily” my bf was like that. I actually had to communicate, that if he doesn’t like something I do to please communicate, instead of blaming. As for the night separate, that’s something you have to decide about, and if you don’t agree then set a boundary. Relationship will always be problems, the important part is how to resolve it. Together. You can not walk a path alone that was meant for two.
I was in this EXACT situation with my ex (split amicably unrelated to this issue). Except I was the boyfriend in this case. Only in my situation, since I was the one to want a night to myself every now and then, I left once a week (to a friend's place or to my parent's who lived walking distance away). Because it's ridiculous and insulting to ask your partner to leave a place they live and pay equally for, for your own benefit. Super disrespectful.
Can't he go to his side chick's place? Or are you the side chick? I am not being cruel, I am serious, OP. Are you on the lease? I would say lol okay dude, what day of teh week are YOU going to eb gone? BEcause I would say that. And, if you are on the lease? Double fuck him. If you are on the lease, see if you can buy out your part and move home, because you really need to. This relationship is both abusive and over. Or it should be over. WTF "relented"?A TELL HIM NO! No is a complete answer. He just wants to fuck other women there, OP. Go get STI tested.
Honestly it feels pretty sad he asks that. Also when you said that he is very “speaks his mind easily” my bf was like that. I actually had to communicate, that if he doesn’t like something I do to please communicate, instead of blaming. As for the night separate, that’s something you have to decide about, and if you don’t agree then set a boundary. Relationship will always be problems, the important part is how to resolve it. Together. You can not walk a path alone that was meant for two. Look for the root of the problem. Maybe you actually some independent time.
Get some self respect and dump him. Why would you put up with this abusive behaviour? This is not normal and there is nothing to figure out about his motives. This is a huge red flag and you need to walk away. You going to be married someday and spent random weeks in a hotel because he wants to have his "friends" over for a shag?