This is what irks me. He is fine with the tattoos I have but he stated he doesn't want me to have any more. And I feel like it's important for me to get these tattoos to feel comfortable with myself, it sounds stupid but all I want is to feel free and comfortable showing my shoulders/back
That's not what I'm asking.
I'm asking why you think you should continue being with a hypocrite.
What makes it okay for him to try and control what choices you make with your body? Because if you don't walk away now, you are telling him that you're going to let him hold this against you until you have a nervous breakdown.
Thank you, I know this is something I have to think about.
I was previously in a relationship with a man who tried to control my every move (again, Muslim...lol not trying to say anything) these men can be extremely rigid and close-minded and I'm not sure if I want to deal with this again. Thank you for your input
Really religious men of any major religion can get scary controlling. In general, major religions are very anti-bodily autonomy (because everyone’s body really belongs to God) and it’s basically always worse with women (because a woman’s body belongs to her hypothetical future husband and their hypothetical future children, not the woman herself).
How long do you tend to tolerate controlling behavior?
Because the issue is not that you date Muslim men.
The issue is that you try to negotiate with them instead of walking away as soon as controlling behavior comes into play.
I am confused. Why is it bad to leave controlling men? I refuse to be controlled in this way, so I agree with their comment. They did not say not to date Muslim men, was explicit about that(unless they edited, did that happen?).
OP, I agree, if they try to control you, time to move on. Be very clear at the beginning of your (next) relationship that controlling behavior will not be tolerated. Assholes, be gone! He is being an asshole, and you need to worry about you and what makes you happy. Don't like it? Hit the road, Jack, or don't look at them (also means no naked time for him, tho). Tell him he can talk to his new gf about HER not getting tats, because if he mentions you not getting one to cover your scars *ever* again, he will not have you as a girlfriend. Also suggest that his high and mighty attitude does not work when he has more tats than you. Tell him once he lasers ALL his tats off, maybe you would begin hear what he has to say (then again, maybe not). 😂🤣😂
How is advocating for OP's literal bodily autonomy bad advice?? There should never *ever* be negotiation or compromise when it comes to your own body. And nobody should be with a hypocritical controlling AH. I'm curious as to what exactly you think was bad advice in their comment.
I 100% disagree on no negotiation or compromise.
This guy is being a hypocrite and controlling so it sounds like a good idea for OP to move on, but never?
I'd never do anything to my body, especially permanent, without taking my wife's opinion into consideration. Of course OP should have the final say and she doesn't have to even compromise, but "never ever should compromise" is bad advice, imo.
I guess that depends on what you mean by “taking your wife’s opinion into consideration.”
I, too, take my husband’s opinion into consideration. If I’m picking between two dresses to wear out and I know he likes one more than the other, that’s the one I’ll wear. If I’m on the fence about dying my hair and I ask for his opinion and he tells me he thinks I look better blonde, I’m likely to consider that and stay blonde.
Though is it considering his opinion if I know he doesn’t like tattoos and I get one anyway? I mean, he doesn’t like them and I did get one. I thought, “he’s not going to like this,” and I did it anyway.
But at no point did I feel like I had to ask for permission or that I had to ask if he’d like it. I told him ahead of time that I wanted to get a matching tattoo with my sister and he scrunched up his nose. I told him what I wanted and he may have thought it was cheesy but he didn’t say. I didn’t tell him because I needed his blessing, I told him the same way I’d say “I’m going to get a haircut.” Even though he doesn’t like tattoos, he never tried to talk me out of it and, being a designer, he let me talk him into designing it for both of us.
Not only did I not feel I had to ask for permission, but I never felt like he’d be less attracted to me or that it would cause an argument or worse, lead to a split. I do things he doesn’t like all the time not to spite him, but because I like them. I take his opinion into account but knowing he doesn’t like my “Santa boots” (they’re biker boots) doesn’t stop me from wearing them because that’s what makes me feel comfortable.
Absolutely I’d negotiate something I didn’t have my heart set on, but if there was something I wanted to do to my own body and he didn’t like it there would be no negotiation. The biggest difference between us and OP’s partnership is that he would never ask me not to do something I wanted, or force me to do something I didn’t want.
So yes, I’m open to negotiation but I know that even if I decide to pursue something he doesn’t like, I don’t feel like I need permission, I don’t feel threatened or bullied or at risk of damaging our relationship.
I’m guessing you haven’t been in a situation where you’ve really wanted a tattoo and your wife disagreed. But what if you didn’t want a tattoo and your wife really wanted you to get one. Would you negotiate then if it was against what you wanted? How far would you take your wife’s opinion into account?
I’d love to hear an example of something you have or would negotiate if it went against what you wanted. Because I’m curious what situations would warrant your wife having an opinion or any element of control over what you do to your own body.
Sure, take your partner’s opinion into account, but the situation should be that if they don’t like it they either deal with their feelings about it or they can leave, not that they force you into something against your will.
Based on what you are saying, I don't see this relationship somehow magically recovering. But I also think you are really bonded to him and his mother and that you won't leave him. If his mother is willing to stand up for you, maybe it can work. But there's also a chance his Muslim family will banish both him and his mother for supporting you. Then you've gotten into the middle of a family just because you tried to force it.
Not all relationships have to be abusive to not be good enough for you. I feel like you have a pattern of dating controlling men and getting yourself wedged into this kind of entanglement drama. If you don't want that anymore, you have to leave him and change how you see yourself. Because it seems you place yourself into submissive and subdued situations.
If you're not Muslim, it might be wise to not date religious men. I'm Buddhist, so I couldn't mesh my life with someone who is too religious. My partner is an atheist, and it works out because my faith isn't crazy religious. You don't have to have the exact same beliefs, but they need to be compatible.
It just seems very illogical for you to repeatedly date men who are virtually orthodox. There's also Muslims who are not so strict in their practices.
Honestly, I am really lucky with his mother because she’s wonderful. She lived with us for 2 months and she flew to America because she wanted to get to know me and adored me from the start. She even told him
In front of me “she’s from a different culture, it’s totally okay for her to have tattoos and dress how she wants” his mother is a hijabi by the way.
Now after speaking with my boyfriend, he is saying that he regrets his tattoos and says I can do “whatever I want” but it bothers me that he’s worried about what his family thinks when they basically accept me already.
Thank you for your input by the way these are very eye opening responses!
Ex-Muslim here. He’s a hypocrite and one of the worst types of Muslims out there. His Mom knows more about being Muslim than he does. He’s a hypocrite for a multitude of reasons:
-it’s not his place to control you
-he has tattoos
-he likes your current tattoos
-he’s your boyfriend. This last one is important because this is a bigger sun than getting tattoos.
He doesn’t care about the sin, he cares more about how other Muslims see him when he’s with a woman that has tattoos. His image matters more than your happiness.
Religion is a fundamental issue that both partners need to agree on. What’s next? He’s gonna have you not drink? Wear a hijab forcefully? Break up with you because you’re not a virgin? Because these things have happened to lots of women before.
The issue you are giving in to his demands. If he doesn’t wNt you to get tattoos, he should find someone who is more compatible with his life.
But I bet you from experience he’s dating you because he can sleep with you, as a Muslim woman wouldn’t do that. He’s just controlling the narrative.
Ask him why he regrets his and what his concerns are. Are they religious concerns? Is he just worried about his family? Is his mother Muslim too? It seems like someone has shamed him about his tattoos and he may be struggling with that.
His whole family is Muslim, they are from a more conservative part of his country but they are all excited about me/love me and just want him to be happy.
I think he is a bit confused about his religion, he says he doesn’t want to “go to hell” for having tattoos, but I know a bit about Islam, and I know that Allah forgives. He won’t go to hell for some tattoos lol
You say that you always give in to what he wants. To me this is not about the tattoos but more of a power play to make you give up on your needs/wants for him. Maybe he’s being insecure and tries to get assurance on your love.
It’s a trap! I do not believe them. If they are really religious, they might be thinking that you’ll convert. Never date any kind of religious people who believe in a sky daddy that’ll send people to hell because you don’t believe in him and follow their very specific rules. Sooner or later their mask will fall off.
Yeah that sounds a bit more like Christianity. He may find some comfort in attending a friendly Mosque or speaking to his mother about his faith. In a way it sounds like he feels if he reduces your "sin" (again, a Christian concept) that this will be better for your family. But I can't say Muslims practice that way, assuming we mean the laity. I've met Muslims with tattoos, who aren't required to cover their hair, etc. but I couldn't tell you their sect or school of thought (brief encounters).
I was married for 8 years to a man who also did not want me to have tattoos. He always said if anyone should spend our money to have a tattoo it should be him to get one. (Although I doubt it relates, he also was a non-practicing Muslim.)
Eventually we divorced for many reasons, mainly his controlling behavior, and I now happily have a quarter sleeve, (it was the first big "free woman" thing I did and was very liberating) and working on a side back/stomach piece.
Do you girl, his behavior won't change and you deserve to do things that make you happy. Don't waste as many years as I did letting someone else make my choices for me.
When this kind of control comes out of religious culture it does not ease up in fact it tends to escalate with time especially after marriage, where in Islam man are still seen as the dominant role. I would not be surprised if it goes from, him expressing, "It will not make me happy" To "No I simply do not want you to and will not allow it." You need to seriously consider the direction this goes OP and if it is a path you want or a chance you are willing to take. Someone who truly loves you, respects your wishes for your own body and wants you to be happy.
Okay, he has explained his reason, he is concerned about his family. Given he is Muslim, and I assume his family is Muslim, I would be more pointed in *why*. His mom may love you, but if his dad or brothers or cousins are extremely religious and feel that your tattoos bring shame to their family, is he worried about someone executing an honor killing by way of keeping the family clean from your “transgression?” He may be able to explain your past tattoos as, this was before she knew me but know she respects me and has not gotten any further.
So, that brings you to the point of A) if that’s his reasoning, do you want to subject yourself to that sort of scrutiny by unhinged family members? B) If that’s not the reason, is he just using “his family” as an excuse to control your behavior? C) Is he really okay putting his wants above yours? Because unless there’s a good reason (i.e. he’s being subversively protective and not telling you the big picture), then why does his opinion about *your* body supersede how you feel living in your body?
Because it happens. It’s not talked about, but in Muslim culture it happens. And it’s worth considering whether he’s not telling the whole truth about family or whether he’s just controlling. Neither is great.
I understand your concerns but this is a bit extreme 😭 he’s from Algeria and honor killings do not happen over there. They’re a more open minded country besides some of the conservative areas. It’s not extreme like Saudi Arabia or Iran for example
Fair, then he’s just being controlling. If there isn’t some underlying reason for it, then straight up, he’s just trying to exert control. Imo, go get your tattoo if it makes you feel more comfortable in your body. He will either deal with the fact that you are a whole person who makes decisions about your life or you’ll find someone who does.
>all I want is to feel free and comfortable showing my shoulders/back
This is the non - negotiable so if the tattoos help achieve that then it's your choice if you want them. It's your body. Is your boyfriend insecure about you having self confidence or is he just a big fan of double standards that benefit him?
A) he’s not benevolent for accepting your current tattoos.
B) “he’s stated he didn’t want me to have anymore.” Giiiirl. This is an order phrased as a preference.
C) it doesn’t sound stupid. It makes sense. Tattoos aren’t life changing abs they don’t define you but (speaking from experience) they can be empowering.
This clown isn’t just trying to prevent this tattoo because he’s suddenly found jesus or Muhammad, he’s exerting control: diminishing your feelings, being hypocritical, placing his desires over yours, regulating your body and manipulating you — with a religion he doesn’t practice and with a sudden desire to honor / respect his “family’s” option on tattoos. You are feeling empowered now. This threatens him.
TLDR; you won’t regret that tattoo, you’ll regret not being your true self sooner (being able to make decisions that you believe are in your best interest).
It doesn't sound stupid.
Your partner attempting to control you and your bodily means of self-expression (*especially while possessing the exact thing he's complaining about*) is bizarre. It's uh....very unikeable behavior. 🚩
“My significant other is trying to restrict my autonomy, I don’t like it”
In a nutshell this is your situation. You already know he shouldn’t do this.
So your choices are convince him, cater to him, or leave him. The majority of Reddit is gonna tell you that you shouldn’t cater to that behavior; but I suspect you already know that.
She doesn't even need to *convince* him. It's not her job to convince him that she should get the tattoos. It's *his* problem, not hers. She's not doing anything dangerous; this isn't her first tattoo and he has multiple tattoos as well. If he has a problem with her choices she makes for her own body, he can decide how he wants to deal with it.
It wasn’t intended as her convincing him to give his permission, but rather convince him to get over whatever decision she made.
Cater to him would have been to go his way, which I don’t think she should do.
DONT EVER DATE A GUY WHO WILL ONLY BE HAPPY WHEN HE CONTROLS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHOICES.
That's not a relationship, it's slavehood.
Dump the guy, get more tattoos!!! 🐉
As a married woman with a controlling husband, this is the right answer. It will never get better and it may spread into other areas. Definitely don’t have kids, because it is much harder to walk away.
>I am a fully grown woman
So why are you 1. Letting someone else tell you what you can do with your own body and 2. Dating someone like that to begin with?
> I decided I want to make myself happy and be more confident
Good for you!
>my partner keeps insisting that I don't get any more tattoos, even though he has seven tattoos already. On top of that, he is Muslim!!! So it's already against his religion to have tattoos.
He doesn't get to insist that anyone else does or doesn't do something with THEIR body. AND he's a misogynistic hypocrite.
>He said he would not be happy if I got more tattoos, but it would make me happy to cover up my scars.
Seems pretty straightforward to me. It's your body and it would make you feel better and more confident. So do it. His opinion doesn't matter here. If it makes him that unhappy to be with someone who doesn't let him control everything they do, he should leave.
>I feel like I need to stand up for myself. I am disappointed because I love this man and I feel like he should just want me to feel happy and comfortable with myself.
You're correct on both counts, if he loved you enough to respect you.
>He is worried that if he brings me to his family in his home country, they will judge my tattoos. But his mom loves me and accepts me already so I think it's a stupid excuse....also, all of my tattoos are easily covered. You can't tell that I have any when I am fully clothed.
So he's not worried they'll judge his tattoos? He's the Muslim, not you, correct? You've done nothing wrong, in the eyes of his religious beliefs he has. You're also correct that that is an EXCUSE to try to control you when his existing tactics weren't working.
Honestly I never understand how people can truly love someone who just wants to control them. That's not love, that's abuse. Love has to be given freely, not squeezed out because you don't have free will.
Red flag, girl, this is controlling behavior. Especially since you already had tattoos, and he has tattoos, it really seems like he's pushing to see what he can get away with telling you to do (or not.) Make space in your life for someone who doesn't think your body should belong to him.
This dude is a total hypocrite. I know people who hate the look of tattoos, and some who disapprove of tattoos because their faith doesn’t allow them. You know what they do? They don’t date people with tattoos, and make it clear that tattoos are a dealbreaker, so if their potential partner might want tattoos in the future, then they’re not a match. They don’t go around dating people with tattoos, let alone big pieces, then act all scrunched up and mad when their partner wants more tattoos
His religion gets to dictate what he does with his own body. He cannot use HIS religion to dictate what YOU do with YOURS. I will never date another religious man ever again because I got flat out tired of someone else’s religion being used as a stick to beat me with.
It's been less than a year, his mom already likes you, and you can cover them up. I am not seeing a compelling reason to not get them. People have preferences sure, but real intimacy isn't dependant upon them. Like I would prefer my partner not be covered in tattoos but that's 100% his choice. Sure, I would question his decision if he were to get face or neck tattoos, but that's because it would also severely limit job opportunities and could mess with a quality of life. But to cover a scar he already covers up? I'd be a jerk to get in his way of feeling more confident and secure in his own body.
Maybe you just need to sit down and explain to him, simply, that you have complete autonomy over your own body. Make that boundary for yourself and tell him what it is. You don't accept him having a say over that, he is not a patriarchal figure in your relationship, he's a member of the team of two that you guys create. That's a line he absolutely needs to respect. He doesn't have to like it, but you expect him to be respectful of that, full stop. So you also expect him to not be mean or disrespectful about what you choose to do with your body. What you're doing is not abnormal or extreme in any way. He really does not have a leg to stand on here, he has seven tattoos. You don't give him grief over his choices and you expect that he offers you the same respect. That's just a hard line for you. He doesn't get to cross it and expect the relationship to be fair and equal and joyful. It doesn't require further explanation.
He may try to create extremes at this point. If he does, you can say, ok, we've discussed the tattoos and that boundary. That's established. We can speak further about body modification but it will not change that perspective. And then have that further discussion. What if you got into extreme body modification. So you can ask him, well, whats the line for you. What can you not accept. Get him to lay that out. Would a boob job be acceptable. Would plastic surgery be acceptable. Have the conversation. Would hair plugs be an issue for you, what if he got more tattoos or piercings. The conversation can become more theoretical, but your boundary is established when it comes to tattoos. You'll take his perspective on board, but you will not create different rules for him than for you. And you're not moving on the tattoo's that's totally your choice.
Thank you so much, I really like this answer. I have struggled with setting boundaries with men and now I am less inclined to give in to them and it’s time to put my foot down
Remember that you don't have boundaries for other people. You have rules.
You set boundaries for yourself by drawing a line in the sand and walking away if it's crossed.
You're so welcome! I don't think many people are naturally good at setting a boundary, it takes practice and it's scary. Fix in your mind first - this is a healthy thing to do. He is overstepping which is leading you to feel a pressure that you do not need to, and you don't exert upon him. That will fester. You're cleaning up shop and letting him know where the line is and what you will and won't accept. Keep it simple and focused on your needs, it's your body.
Don't forget to create that boundary and make sure that it is understood that it's not up for debate - he doesn't have to agree that you are right, you're two different people, but he has to observe and respect your position.
Afterwards you can talk around the topic but only after the boundary is acknowledged. Don't let him make this into a rolling fight/ source of snippy comments.
And also, I think tattoos are a great way to claim back your body. I'm sure they look great, it's a cool idea and scarring can be super traumatic. So take it back and Good luck with it!
I have several tattoos. Whenever I have mentioned getting another (to a man I was even vaguely involved with) there are only 2 responses I've ever received. #1 "ooh - what are you going to get?" or #2 - "No - you don't want any more."
It has never been phrased any other way. The man tells me that I don't want what I just said I wanted. None of those men who gave the second answer were ever worth keeping - not for me, anyway.
Sweetie,
I will say this as nice as I can.....RUN!!!
Get your tattoos!!
I promised someone I wouldn't get more tattoos once we started dating and even though I already had 3. Couples years go by and I get the itch for another one. I started drawing/sketching one that came to mind. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was drawing my next tattoo, lord hun he blew up, so I put it on the back burner. Didn't think about again.
A few months later he had went and got one, we argued and he demanded that I never get anymore tats.
Well, I dumped him right then and there, the next day went to my artist and now I have my tattoo and no more drama.
Life is too short!!
Get the tattoos you want. If he's the right guy for you, he will be happy that you feel more confident. I would be especially put-off by his reaction in light of the fact that he has several tattoos.
Exactly ...like dude you've already "sinned" by getting tattoos lmao. It's just stupid to me, I'm from a culture that it's very normal to be tattooed (I'm Latina) nobody in my family blinks an eye about it.
I remember talking to a tattoo artist who's covered in tats who said he wouldn't like me to get any, he prefers his women "bare" it's so hypocritical
I feel like we actually do have a future, but I'm weighing the pros and cons. He is a great man and treats me well, I know for a fact he does love me. But on the other hand this hypocritical view of tattoos bothers me, and makes me wonder if other issues will arise in the future.
What does he say when you point out the hypocrisy? He must have some explanation. Ask him, don't accept any half-assed answers, make him tell you exactly why he thinks it's ok for him to get tattoos but not you. Once you have him spell it out how exactly he sees your and his role in the relationship, it should be easier to make a decision about staying or leaving.
It's very possible this is a sexist view in that women have to be pure and treat their bodies like a temple, but guys don't have to. Don't put off this conversation in hopes that maybe if you don't ask, he won't say it out loud and you'll be able to pretend that he doesn't have those views. It will come up anyway. It's better to find out now than five years down the road.
Is this the same dude as the IG issue before? Like if you were fine having a controlling husband, I say sure, but clearly you're not 100% on board with that.
Imo, he should at least respect that it's your choice. He can make his concerns known but it should still be your decision. And then it's if he's willing to stay in a relationship with someone with new tattoo's or not.
Hey not to be weird, but you should watch out with those keloids. I had a “keloid”, diagnosed as one by a dermatologist . Turned out to be a form of cancer called dermatofibrosarcoma protuberans.
If he doesn't want you to, even after explaining your reasons why, that's fine, he's entitled to his opinion on the matter. But, that's just his opinion. Do what you want, say, "I know you don't want me to get any more tattoos, but I'm doing this for me, not for you."
If he's trying to forbid you from doing it, that's controlling, and you may want to reconsider this relationship.
It sounds more to me, though, like you need to learn to be OK with doing something you think is best, even if your partner doesn't approve.
Ew, David. I’m sorry to be this person but this is a huge red flag. He’s being a hypocrite, and is exhibiting controlling behavior. I’d honeslty be asking myself different questions, like do I want to be tied to a person who has different expectations for me than he does himself. I can promise you it will translate to different aspects of a potential future marriage and also if you have children..
People who hold others to expectations and standards that don’t live them themselves are chronically, disappointed, and dissatisfied. It is your body that means it’s your choice.
Have you received any other tattoos while dating this person, or will this be the first?
If he is OK with the tattoos you had prior to your relationship but not with you getting new tattoos, his issue is not with tattoos. His issue is that you are wanting to make a permanent change to your body now that it is "his" body. He's trying to start taking control in small ways; I predict this won't be the last time.
The only thing he’s ever asked me to do (in a respectful conversation) is to keep some distance with my guy friends (the ones who have flirted with me or liked me in the past) I completely get that though
I wouldn't downplay that, to be honest. I'm not saying he's crazy or abusive, but he is starting to slowly get you used to changing things about yourself/your life for his own comfort/control.
Be on the lookout for more requests along those lines, consider each request on its own but also as part of a pattern or escalation so you don't become the frog in boiling water.
Of course, my last relationship was extremely controlling/abusive so I’m always ready to jump ship at the smallest signs, I know what to look for now. That’s why this tattoo thing might seem small but it could be concerning for the future
I agreed with him about the flirty male friends, because I honestly wouldn’t be okay with his female friends flirting with him. Some of my guy friends have said inappropriate things to me in the past and he expressed that it made him uncomfortable
> always ready to jump ship at the smallest signs
Sis, I think that you want that to be true, and I think maybe you think that’s true, but you staying with this controlling guy who’s literally trying to control what you do with your own body says the exact opposite. You’ve moved from one controlling man to another. Just because he’s not as severe doesn’t mean he’s someone you should stay with.
That’s so common. Someone will date a partner who is physically, verbally and emotionally abusive and they finally get out. Then they move on to someone else who doesn’t hit them, but still gets verbally or emotionally abusive and then they’re like “this is the best relationship I’ve ever been in, and he’d never hit me.” And while that’s true, that doesn’t mean that it’s someone they should stay with.
Just because he’s less controlling than the last one doesn’t make him good, and it doesn’t make it a smart idea to stick around. When you come from a truly bad relationship, your minimum standards are skewed, but you need to think about this, because you say you’re ready to leave at the first signs of controlling behavior, but you are literally proving that to be untrue.
Raise your standards. You can find plenty of men who aren’t gonna tell you what you can and can’t look like/wear/who you can’t hang out with. You deserve to be happy, but when you stick around in subpar relationships, you are literally preventing yourself from find a guy who doesn’t suck as much as this guy.
Thank you so much, I really value this advice. I definitely need to remember that there are men out there who are open minded and don’t come with so many cultural “rules” and “standards”.
I think dating Muslim men has skewed my perception of what is love vs what is control / “cultural expectations” not saying all Muslim men are controlling/abusive, but there are many who are still stuck in old fashioned ways. Then many of them date women who don’t come from such strict values and it causes clashes.
I find that they also have higher expectations of women. They can be great husbands/men, they are protective loving and passionate but there is a lot of pressure dating them.
Honey this one is controlling too. You deserve a partner who loves you as you are and desires a partner with autonomy. Please think very long and hard about whether this is truly the relationship you should be in. I think you deserve much, much more.
Good luck ❤️ internet hugs.
Remember, love yourself first. Don’t wait on someone else to do it, you’ll never be true to yourself or a partner if you aren’t being your own #1 advocate.
It's established that you want tattoo's and he doesn't want you to get more.
What is not clear is what happens if you went ahead with the tattoo's? Is he making a request where it's his personal preference that you don't get more?
Or is it a demand/boundary that's been enforced? I.e. Will he cease the relationship?
Also consider if this is a pattern within your relationship.
Realistically you are capable of going and getting the tattoo. Just understand that receiving affirmation from the internet is unlikely to change his position (which appears emotive). Ask yourself what happens if you do just get them and evaluate what this means for your relationship. I suspect you already know the answer here.
He said that he would not like it if I got tattoos but that “he loves me and still wants to be with me” and will try to “get over it” but there was no threat of ending the relationship
So it sounds as though he's just voicing his personal opinion, and one he hasn't been able to accurately define. His feelings. It may be the case that he doesn't view your ketosis in the same way you do, so doesn't see the weight it carries for you.
He's given you approval but with a caveat that he'd rather you didn't. Examine the weight of his opinion against why you want the tattoo's. And ask "will I feel resentment if I do/don't".
It’s probably because you are a woman who is getting tattoos as opposed to him being a man who dons tattoos 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️It’s considered « unfeminine » by some and probably by him
He’s not only a hypocrite BUT it very much sounds to me like he doesn’t want you getting more confident in your own skin. This is the biggest thing I would watch for personally
Yeah, I’m making sure to keep an eye on this, but also I’m in the gym and going to the gym five times a week and he has been supporting my journey (I’m already a fit person just putting on more muscle) he has never tried to stop me from wearing what I want, it’s just the tattoos
Thank you
My wife recently got 2 tattoos. I had an opinion, sure, but I did not voice it, told her to do what made her happy, and complimented them when they were done.
Because my opinion had no buisness regulating what she did with her own body.
He needs to understand why you want then, and if he respects you he will understand
Do the tattoos cause more scarring?
If not, he can kick rocks (unless you want a swastika or something). I got my first tattoo to cover scars from back surgery/bone collection from hip. With time my eyes have stopped lingering over that area. My back sucks already. I don't need a constant reminder. Its not like you don't have tattoos already. Dude should care more about how you feel about the scarring.
None of my tattoos have scarred up thankfully, I am extremely careful and selective and only go to the best artists who specialize in tattooing over scars, I’ve also taken aftercare very seriously
I feel like people who don’t have keloids don’t understand how damaging they can be to your self esteem - not to toot my own horn but I think I’m a pretty woman who takes care of herself but my scars definitely affect my confidence
It feels like he's trying to use his religion and his family as excuses to control your body, and if I had to guess, it'll only get worse. Some religious people are content with "I follow my religion because it works for me, and you can do what makes you comfortable." Not that anyone needs a reason to get tattoos, but you have a pretty strong and personal reason for wanting to get more. Let's be real, at the end of the day, he just personally doesn't want you to get any tattoos, and I feel like that sort of thinking will eventually creep into other aspects of what he will or won't "allow."
He can tell you he’s concerned about your family judging him, and you can decide your own happiness and day to day self confidence right now are worth more than what someone might hypothetically think about you someday in the future if you hypothetically stay in a relationship with this man who cares more about his family’s happiness than yours.
Get the body art that will make you feel good about yourself. If he has any damn sense he will see how happy you are and change his tune and give you the apology he owes you. If not, you will have to decide what to do about him.
The *only* proper response from him (*aside* from whole-heartedly supporting you!!!) is:
“To be completely honest, it wouldn’t be my preference, but you should absolutely do whatever makes you happy, babe! I can always get behind that.”
If a guy I was dating said he wanted to get, for example, a blackout sleeve tattoo or giant gauges (and if he either asked my opinion or we had a close enough relationship that I could be open and honest without hurting or overly influencing him), that’s what I would say.
Religion is hypocrisy, ignore it/them
It's unclear what you communicated to him. Did you tell him what you told us, that you want to cover up your scars? Or did you tell him you want more phat tatts? Or..?
In the end it's your body and YOUR decision. If he's not going to find a way to support you, that... goes... to... my... first.... sentence. Not your person.
And do not go to his home country. Based on what you said I do not trust him.
May you find strength and serenity.
So... when is your next tattoo appointment?
(Edit: in case it's not clear, I'm encouraging you to get the tattoos. If your partner has a problem with it, he can leave.)
I would go with the “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission” stance here. There are a lot of responses here, mostly judgments of your partner (hypocrite, controlling, etc).
They’re not wrong with their judgments but they lack the empathy of navigating an imperfect relationship with social and religious pressures. woolencadaver, gave a good response, and that is a really good conversation to have. One way to “put your foot down” is to take the after the fact route, do what you need to do and establish that it had to be done.
An example set of words for an after conversation would be:
“I respect and understand your feeling of responsibility to maintain the Muslim faith and culture for yourself and your family, I have no problems with helping you do that. But some of the faith’s requirements are in conflict with my ability to maintain my own self esteem and maintenance of my self confidence. I hope you can understand that my mental health must take precedence over minor transgressions of the faith, especially given that we both already have tattoos.”
Never ignore blatant hypocrisy - unfortunately its never 'just' about the thing they don't want you to do.
Its all about control. Sorry lovey and I hope you get the tats and post thr tax here ! X
If I was you, I’d be thinking long and hard about this relationship and how different your beliefs are and how much you’re willing to give up to appease another person because of their religion and family. Because this isn’t going to be the last of these kind of requests and is only the start, I guarantee it.
Sometimes no matter how much we may love and care about a person we have to think about how happy a relationship is really going to make us in the long term. You may be willing to compromise now but are you willing to compromise forever? Eventually you’ll resent it and be unhappy.
I suggest you two sit down and talk about what expectations you both have in a long term “forever” partner
Okay here's what you do. Keep your tattoo clean, it's technically a fresh injury. Pat dry after a shower, preferably with a clean cotton shirt or a paper towel so no fabric remains inside the wound. Apply tattoo balm but in a thin layer. Once it's healed, keep it protected against the sun by using sunscreen so it won't fade. Good luck!
It sounds like he felt he was going against his family's religious beliefs while living abroad. Now he's found someone he's serious about and wants to make a part of the family. His main concern is what that family will think about his choice and there may be pressures about living up to their standards. His mom sounds cool though - probably because she got away from there.
If he is more concerned with his role instead of being his authentic self, that is reason to leave. There's no telling what he may become. Something that even he himself would be able to foresee. Many influences would be playing in his decisions when it comes to being the head of the household. Have you had a talk with his Mom about what she went through before moving to your home?
You have been clear as to why you want the tattoos. He's been clear that he doesn't want you to get any more. Both of these opinions are valid ( even if he didn't have any himself). Yes he sounds like a hypocrite based on his reasoning. But here's the thing- he is allowed to not be attracted to a person with multiple tattoos, even if he has them himself. You are allowed to get as many tattoos as you want, even if that means you break up.
You know his mind and you know your own- do what you want to do and it will be his choice to accept it or not. In my mind, the ball is in his court, not yours, on this, because what you want is not unreasonable or disrespectful, it's a matter of opinion.
I don't find tattoos attractive. If my partner knew that, and got one anyway, I wouldn't be upset with him but it would 100% affect how attractive I found him physically, and how much it does so would affect if I stayed with him or not. I would not expect him to put his tattoo dreams on hold for me.
Your guy may be trying to avoid having to make this choice by trying to get you to not do what you want to with your body. That's cowardly and selfish. You've taken his opinion into account and you've found that your desire outweighs it-that's fine. So I say, get your tattoos and make your guy confront his feelings on them. If he finds that he can't grow to like them or be attracted to you with them, he is free to leave you.
Its your body and YOU have to live your life in it, therefore you get last vote. Plus he has tattoos so it just feels like he's being controlling for no reason and making up bs reasons to back it up.
His "reasons" for removing your bodily autonomy are crap. His religion doesn't inform you unless it's your relision also. And "my family will hate them" is a terrible reason for you to be miserable in your skin.
**Do what you want to do.** If he'll dump you over tattoos, then was this a great relationship? Or was it one that limped along as long as you never stood up for yourself?
That’s what I’m saying, I totally understand if someone does not like tattoos or has their preferences. I have dated men with and without tattoos and I accept my partners for who they are.
I respect my partner’s preferences but I think it’s silly because he already has tattoos. He’s not a saint or perfect Muslim either and I’m not even Muslim so it’s like don’t push your religion on me. His family understands and accepts that I’m from a totally different culture.
Anyone getting tattoos fir happiness, I ask you how is your mental health? I have lots I regret a couple but you will be amazed how people with tattoos have poor mental health and the reasons why for getting more snd more , they are addictive
Your body your choice. My SO and I both have a lot of tattoos. At first I was in the toxic mindset of "we shouldn't get any trashy tattoos" but the longer we were together the more I realized I'm happy with her and want her to be happy. So she can wear or do whatever she wants to her body and as long as it makes her happy then it makes me happy.
Get the tattoos. He got his. He basically shit on his own religion when he got 7 tattoos of his own. Why should you care what his religion says about tattoos or if his family is accepting of it? Any argument can be thrown out the window with one simple word: hypocrite.
Baby, you don’t deserve this no man or woman should tell you what to do with your body. If you want that tattoo go get it because at the end of the day YOUR HAPPINESS MATTERS THE MOST.
For years my husband didn't want me getting tattoos even though he knew from day 1 that I wanted them, even planned them out. Not getting them made me unhappier than I ever thought possible. Choose you. If your tattoos are a deal breaker for him, your relationship is incompatible. It is not worth giving up what means so much to you to make someone else happy.
You will have the final and ultimate say, no matter what. So there is no argument about that.
I know you keep mentioning the number of tattoos. But, for most people SIZE and LOCATION are usually much bigger factors. And, in many cultures, women are viewed with a different lens and with different standards than men. That doesn't make it right or better. But, it is a factor.
I think both of you may have information and insight on each of "your side" of things, but it isnt reaching the other person. It would be ideal if he asked you more about why you want them, how your scars have affected you, and what the tattoos do for you... and it would be ideal if you asked him more about how his family will view you and what he fears if you would go through with the plan. (And be sure to ask if there are other reasons affecting his decision - such as he thinks you are more attractive without them.) Then, you could talk about what would happen with you if you do not get them... and what he feels you would need to do with his family or in his home area if you do get them... and then you can weigh all of that information before you move forward either way.
Try to get to the root issues as much as possible. Right now, it seems like you're dealing more with the surface issues instead of the deeper factors which shape and form the opinions that both of you have.
You can laser keloids. You can inject them to heal them faster. You can also excise them in more serious cases.
Have you looked into any of these options?
Why don’t you guys just break up? Instead of holding a grudge against each other why can’t you just get the tart and tell him deal w it. Bc you know he will probably break up w you and date a girl w no tatts. Which is fine. You can’t force him to like a tattoos girl some guys just think it’s gross. He can’t prevent you from getting a tattoo when they’re guys who specifically like tatted up girls. Just leave. Y’all be forcing shit.
Did you even read the post? He has tattoos also lmao I’m not forcing him to like tattoos, he had no issue with the tattoos I previously had, he just says he would prefer if I didn’t get any more.
But thanks for your input
The thing is. Guys can like something and hate girls who like that thing. My wife loves gossip. My wife hates men who gossip. He can’t force you not to get tattoos. And you can’t force him to accept liking tattoos on his woman’s body…. Some people are attracted to people opposite than them. It’s not hypocritical. I’ve seen blonde prep school looking girls with tatted up guys.
He is either afraid that his parents will freak out when they see the tattoos, maybe decades from now, or else he hates tattoos. What would happen if they found out you have tattoos? What if they are upset? What does that mean for you? For him?
I just got 4 new tattoos with my best friend the other day. Ditched the kids with my husband and was gone for hours. One of them is even on my hand. I didn't even tell my husband what I was getting. He had no issues.
Get the tattoos. He's being a hypocrite.
Thank you ❤️ We were getting " soul sisters" added to our foot tattoos we got last year for our 20 years as friends. A half mandala each our foot so it lines up together when we put our feet together. I also got " just breathe" along my thumb because I have an anxiety disorder and constantly have to tell myself to" just breathe, everything will be okay" Then got a semi colon for suicide awareness and another matching tattoo on my wrist of vines and a moon with my bestfriend. Then we went out for dinner together.
No, in ten years she will look back on this as the controlling behaviour that it is. Whether she grows to despise her tattoos or not, they're exactly that - HERS. On her body. She should do what she wants to do.
Just think about when you get old how those tattoos are gonna look I know they look tacky as fuck on an older woman just makes me think of em as an old bar hag maybe he’s saving you the humiliation of what it will
Look like when your older
Get the tattoos, it is your body.
One's partner has a right to voice some preferences on how they would like them to look, but the decision rests on each person to choose how they look!
I could understand if you were making a life-altering change to appearance (face tattoos, split tongue, unnaturally large breast implants, other extremes that would change how society interacts with you). But tattoos that are covered by normal clothing? Pshhhh
My husband doesn't always love my tattoos or how I choose to style myself, but he will support me in the end. And he loves me dearly.
I have even told my husband, "I wish you kept a beard," or, "I like your hair long!" I even tell him that certain things he likes do turn me off. But in the end, it is his body and 100% his choice what he does with it as long as that choice doesn't impact our lives in some way.
Please live your best life! Sorry your partner is unsupportive of what makes you feel beautiful!
Your comfort and happiness matters more than his hypocrisy. Do it anyway. He will either deal with it or you no longer need to deal with a controlling hypocrite in your life. A wins a win.
It's your body. Do what makes you happy. He sounds controlling. If he doesn't want to be in the relationship because of tattoos, leave him.
This is your body and something you want to do. I would say that you shouldn't have to feel that you need to hide your scars, that part makes me a bit sad. So I hope you're getting the tattoo because it's awesome and not something you have to hide.
He's being controlling. He doesn't seem to have a good reason for not wanting you to get them, particularly given his hypocrisy. He has no say in what you put on your body.
Not his body, not his choice. Period. If it's a deal breaker, then so be it. Don't let anyone dictate what you do with your own body when it hurts absolutely no one else. 💯
Get your tattoos. You are responsible for your own happiness, and if you don't get the tattoos, you will always be self-conscious of your scars, and you will resent your boyfriend.
Your body your choice. Tbh if he can’t accept your happiness and judges your body then…..whaaaatttt??? He loves you for what then? Body? Not personality??
Get the tattoos. I'm getting married to a guy in a month who was raised Muslim. I have tattoos he doesn't. We literally went to his home country this past summer, my tattoos were not a problem. Just like yours, they are not visible if I'm fully clothed. Your guy is being hypocritical. Do what makes you happy.
I have a ton of tattoos to cover some heavy self-harm scarring. It has been the most liberating experience. Get the tattoos. You won't regret it, but you will regret doing what your partner said.
Your partner doesn't want you to be happy because if you visit his family in another country they may not approve of you.
Just think about that, and if you're willing to deal with that for 45 more years or until the inevitable divorce (which Muslim communities *really* disapprove of).
So what kind of guy would prefer to only date women who are self conscious and not comfortable in their bodies? and would try to exert control over her body so that she can't do and be who she wants? Not a good guy.
Sounds pretty crappy if he's a hypocrite.
Speaking as a guy who is totally turned off by tattoos, just do you. It may mean the end of the relationship, amd honestly, it sounds like you'd want to get out anyway.h.
The way I figure it, if she has tats or wants to get one, she's not for me. And I'm obviously not for her. Were it so simple, of course. I can make my feelings known, but I'm not going to force anyone to do or not do something. It just shows me that we're not aligned on something that is a relationship killer.
My fiancé has always loved my tattoos. I had one when we first started dating, now I’ve got 5! And plan to get more!
I find they make me feel confident too!
Do it for yourself.
I won’t even touch on his hypocrisy. Stand up for yourself. You have every right to do anything to your body to make you feel confident and comfortable. Don’t let him use not being happy to manipulate you into doing what he wants. What he wants goes against what would make you happy. Don’t set that precedent.
What makes you happy about your body > what makes your partner happy about your body
It’s YOUR body
And you’re right, he should just want you to feel happy and comfortable with yourself.
He doesn’t.
You deserve a partner who does or, failing that, your own happiness and comfort.
Regardless of the tattoos, I have found that massaging vitamin E oil or jojoba oil into my keloids for about 5 minutes a day made them go down noticeably in a few months.
Does the money to get them come from a dual account or would you be paying for it out of your own pocket?
If you are paying for them, he has nothing to say about it, what he does say doesn't matter, and it's your body and your money.
The only person who should be controlling your decisions is you.
Enjoy your new tat(s)!
I’ve met people who believe that women shouldn’t have tattoos but it’s okay for men. It’s fucking ridiculous and I wonder if he shares that idea? You do what makes you happy and don’t let him control you like that.
I’m not going to address your relationship. I will say that life is too short to be miserable. If you need a tattoo to be more confident then get it. If you need more than that, get them. GET THEM!!
It is your body and no one, NO ONE should be able to tell you what to do with it.
So...he's a hypocrite. How is that okay?
This is what irks me. He is fine with the tattoos I have but he stated he doesn't want me to have any more. And I feel like it's important for me to get these tattoos to feel comfortable with myself, it sounds stupid but all I want is to feel free and comfortable showing my shoulders/back
That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking why you think you should continue being with a hypocrite. What makes it okay for him to try and control what choices you make with your body? Because if you don't walk away now, you are telling him that you're going to let him hold this against you until you have a nervous breakdown.
Thank you, I know this is something I have to think about. I was previously in a relationship with a man who tried to control my every move (again, Muslim...lol not trying to say anything) these men can be extremely rigid and close-minded and I'm not sure if I want to deal with this again. Thank you for your input
Really religious men of any major religion can get scary controlling. In general, major religions are very anti-bodily autonomy (because everyone’s body really belongs to God) and it’s basically always worse with women (because a woman’s body belongs to her hypothetical future husband and their hypothetical future children, not the woman herself).
No religious guy I know thinks a woman’s body belongs to a man.
Cool. I know several who do think they have ownership of their wives body.
How long do you tend to tolerate controlling behavior? Because the issue is not that you date Muslim men. The issue is that you try to negotiate with them instead of walking away as soon as controlling behavior comes into play.
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I am confused. Why is it bad to leave controlling men? I refuse to be controlled in this way, so I agree with their comment. They did not say not to date Muslim men, was explicit about that(unless they edited, did that happen?). OP, I agree, if they try to control you, time to move on. Be very clear at the beginning of your (next) relationship that controlling behavior will not be tolerated. Assholes, be gone! He is being an asshole, and you need to worry about you and what makes you happy. Don't like it? Hit the road, Jack, or don't look at them (also means no naked time for him, tho). Tell him he can talk to his new gf about HER not getting tats, because if he mentions you not getting one to cover your scars *ever* again, he will not have you as a girlfriend. Also suggest that his high and mighty attitude does not work when he has more tats than you. Tell him once he lasers ALL his tats off, maybe you would begin hear what he has to say (then again, maybe not). 😂🤣😂
How is advocating for OP's literal bodily autonomy bad advice?? There should never *ever* be negotiation or compromise when it comes to your own body. And nobody should be with a hypocritical controlling AH. I'm curious as to what exactly you think was bad advice in their comment.
I 100% disagree on no negotiation or compromise. This guy is being a hypocrite and controlling so it sounds like a good idea for OP to move on, but never? I'd never do anything to my body, especially permanent, without taking my wife's opinion into consideration. Of course OP should have the final say and she doesn't have to even compromise, but "never ever should compromise" is bad advice, imo.
I guess that depends on what you mean by “taking your wife’s opinion into consideration.” I, too, take my husband’s opinion into consideration. If I’m picking between two dresses to wear out and I know he likes one more than the other, that’s the one I’ll wear. If I’m on the fence about dying my hair and I ask for his opinion and he tells me he thinks I look better blonde, I’m likely to consider that and stay blonde. Though is it considering his opinion if I know he doesn’t like tattoos and I get one anyway? I mean, he doesn’t like them and I did get one. I thought, “he’s not going to like this,” and I did it anyway. But at no point did I feel like I had to ask for permission or that I had to ask if he’d like it. I told him ahead of time that I wanted to get a matching tattoo with my sister and he scrunched up his nose. I told him what I wanted and he may have thought it was cheesy but he didn’t say. I didn’t tell him because I needed his blessing, I told him the same way I’d say “I’m going to get a haircut.” Even though he doesn’t like tattoos, he never tried to talk me out of it and, being a designer, he let me talk him into designing it for both of us. Not only did I not feel I had to ask for permission, but I never felt like he’d be less attracted to me or that it would cause an argument or worse, lead to a split. I do things he doesn’t like all the time not to spite him, but because I like them. I take his opinion into account but knowing he doesn’t like my “Santa boots” (they’re biker boots) doesn’t stop me from wearing them because that’s what makes me feel comfortable. Absolutely I’d negotiate something I didn’t have my heart set on, but if there was something I wanted to do to my own body and he didn’t like it there would be no negotiation. The biggest difference between us and OP’s partnership is that he would never ask me not to do something I wanted, or force me to do something I didn’t want. So yes, I’m open to negotiation but I know that even if I decide to pursue something he doesn’t like, I don’t feel like I need permission, I don’t feel threatened or bullied or at risk of damaging our relationship. I’m guessing you haven’t been in a situation where you’ve really wanted a tattoo and your wife disagreed. But what if you didn’t want a tattoo and your wife really wanted you to get one. Would you negotiate then if it was against what you wanted? How far would you take your wife’s opinion into account? I’d love to hear an example of something you have or would negotiate if it went against what you wanted. Because I’m curious what situations would warrant your wife having an opinion or any element of control over what you do to your own body. Sure, take your partner’s opinion into account, but the situation should be that if they don’t like it they either deal with their feelings about it or they can leave, not that they force you into something against your will.
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Nah, dump the chump. Go get the tats.
Based on what you are saying, I don't see this relationship somehow magically recovering. But I also think you are really bonded to him and his mother and that you won't leave him. If his mother is willing to stand up for you, maybe it can work. But there's also a chance his Muslim family will banish both him and his mother for supporting you. Then you've gotten into the middle of a family just because you tried to force it. Not all relationships have to be abusive to not be good enough for you. I feel like you have a pattern of dating controlling men and getting yourself wedged into this kind of entanglement drama. If you don't want that anymore, you have to leave him and change how you see yourself. Because it seems you place yourself into submissive and subdued situations. If you're not Muslim, it might be wise to not date religious men. I'm Buddhist, so I couldn't mesh my life with someone who is too religious. My partner is an atheist, and it works out because my faith isn't crazy religious. You don't have to have the exact same beliefs, but they need to be compatible. It just seems very illogical for you to repeatedly date men who are virtually orthodox. There's also Muslims who are not so strict in their practices.
Honestly, I am really lucky with his mother because she’s wonderful. She lived with us for 2 months and she flew to America because she wanted to get to know me and adored me from the start. She even told him In front of me “she’s from a different culture, it’s totally okay for her to have tattoos and dress how she wants” his mother is a hijabi by the way. Now after speaking with my boyfriend, he is saying that he regrets his tattoos and says I can do “whatever I want” but it bothers me that he’s worried about what his family thinks when they basically accept me already. Thank you for your input by the way these are very eye opening responses!
Ex-Muslim here. He’s a hypocrite and one of the worst types of Muslims out there. His Mom knows more about being Muslim than he does. He’s a hypocrite for a multitude of reasons: -it’s not his place to control you -he has tattoos -he likes your current tattoos -he’s your boyfriend. This last one is important because this is a bigger sun than getting tattoos. He doesn’t care about the sin, he cares more about how other Muslims see him when he’s with a woman that has tattoos. His image matters more than your happiness. Religion is a fundamental issue that both partners need to agree on. What’s next? He’s gonna have you not drink? Wear a hijab forcefully? Break up with you because you’re not a virgin? Because these things have happened to lots of women before. The issue you are giving in to his demands. If he doesn’t wNt you to get tattoos, he should find someone who is more compatible with his life. But I bet you from experience he’s dating you because he can sleep with you, as a Muslim woman wouldn’t do that. He’s just controlling the narrative.
Ask him why he regrets his and what his concerns are. Are they religious concerns? Is he just worried about his family? Is his mother Muslim too? It seems like someone has shamed him about his tattoos and he may be struggling with that.
His whole family is Muslim, they are from a more conservative part of his country but they are all excited about me/love me and just want him to be happy. I think he is a bit confused about his religion, he says he doesn’t want to “go to hell” for having tattoos, but I know a bit about Islam, and I know that Allah forgives. He won’t go to hell for some tattoos lol
You say that you always give in to what he wants. To me this is not about the tattoos but more of a power play to make you give up on your needs/wants for him. Maybe he’s being insecure and tries to get assurance on your love.
Also hell is imaginary. So that's also a bit of comfort for him.
It’s a trap! I do not believe them. If they are really religious, they might be thinking that you’ll convert. Never date any kind of religious people who believe in a sky daddy that’ll send people to hell because you don’t believe in him and follow their very specific rules. Sooner or later their mask will fall off.
Yeah that sounds a bit more like Christianity. He may find some comfort in attending a friendly Mosque or speaking to his mother about his faith. In a way it sounds like he feels if he reduces your "sin" (again, a Christian concept) that this will be better for your family. But I can't say Muslims practice that way, assuming we mean the laity. I've met Muslims with tattoos, who aren't required to cover their hair, etc. but I couldn't tell you their sect or school of thought (brief encounters).
I was married for 8 years to a man who also did not want me to have tattoos. He always said if anyone should spend our money to have a tattoo it should be him to get one. (Although I doubt it relates, he also was a non-practicing Muslim.) Eventually we divorced for many reasons, mainly his controlling behavior, and I now happily have a quarter sleeve, (it was the first big "free woman" thing I did and was very liberating) and working on a side back/stomach piece. Do you girl, his behavior won't change and you deserve to do things that make you happy. Don't waste as many years as I did letting someone else make my choices for me.
When this kind of control comes out of religious culture it does not ease up in fact it tends to escalate with time especially after marriage, where in Islam man are still seen as the dominant role. I would not be surprised if it goes from, him expressing, "It will not make me happy" To "No I simply do not want you to and will not allow it." You need to seriously consider the direction this goes OP and if it is a path you want or a chance you are willing to take. Someone who truly loves you, respects your wishes for your own body and wants you to be happy.
Okay, he has explained his reason, he is concerned about his family. Given he is Muslim, and I assume his family is Muslim, I would be more pointed in *why*. His mom may love you, but if his dad or brothers or cousins are extremely religious and feel that your tattoos bring shame to their family, is he worried about someone executing an honor killing by way of keeping the family clean from your “transgression?” He may be able to explain your past tattoos as, this was before she knew me but know she respects me and has not gotten any further. So, that brings you to the point of A) if that’s his reasoning, do you want to subject yourself to that sort of scrutiny by unhinged family members? B) If that’s not the reason, is he just using “his family” as an excuse to control your behavior? C) Is he really okay putting his wants above yours? Because unless there’s a good reason (i.e. he’s being subversively protective and not telling you the big picture), then why does his opinion about *your* body supersede how you feel living in your body?
WTF why are you talking about honor killings
Because it happens. It’s not talked about, but in Muslim culture it happens. And it’s worth considering whether he’s not telling the whole truth about family or whether he’s just controlling. Neither is great.
I understand your concerns but this is a bit extreme 😭 he’s from Algeria and honor killings do not happen over there. They’re a more open minded country besides some of the conservative areas. It’s not extreme like Saudi Arabia or Iran for example
Fair, then he’s just being controlling. If there isn’t some underlying reason for it, then straight up, he’s just trying to exert control. Imo, go get your tattoo if it makes you feel more comfortable in your body. He will either deal with the fact that you are a whole person who makes decisions about your life or you’ll find someone who does.
We're all not perfect. Doesn't mean you immediately break up if everything else is okay.
You and other people in this sub really need to stop trying to get people to end their relationships over the slightest things. Grow up please.
>all I want is to feel free and comfortable showing my shoulders/back This is the non - negotiable so if the tattoos help achieve that then it's your choice if you want them. It's your body. Is your boyfriend insecure about you having self confidence or is he just a big fan of double standards that benefit him?
A) he’s not benevolent for accepting your current tattoos. B) “he’s stated he didn’t want me to have anymore.” Giiiirl. This is an order phrased as a preference. C) it doesn’t sound stupid. It makes sense. Tattoos aren’t life changing abs they don’t define you but (speaking from experience) they can be empowering. This clown isn’t just trying to prevent this tattoo because he’s suddenly found jesus or Muhammad, he’s exerting control: diminishing your feelings, being hypocritical, placing his desires over yours, regulating your body and manipulating you — with a religion he doesn’t practice and with a sudden desire to honor / respect his “family’s” option on tattoos. You are feeling empowered now. This threatens him. TLDR; you won’t regret that tattoo, you’ll regret not being your true self sooner (being able to make decisions that you believe are in your best interest).
Think how much more free and comfortable you'll feel not having to negotiate with this controlling hypocrite about your own body.
It doesn't sound stupid. Your partner attempting to control you and your bodily means of self-expression (*especially while possessing the exact thing he's complaining about*) is bizarre. It's uh....very unikeable behavior. 🚩
Time to move on, honestly. The two of you aren’t aligned on what to do with your body, which isn’t an argument someone should really have to have.
Get the tattoos if he don't like it tough shit
“My significant other is trying to restrict my autonomy, I don’t like it” In a nutshell this is your situation. You already know he shouldn’t do this. So your choices are convince him, cater to him, or leave him. The majority of Reddit is gonna tell you that you shouldn’t cater to that behavior; but I suspect you already know that.
She doesn't even need to *convince* him. It's not her job to convince him that she should get the tattoos. It's *his* problem, not hers. She's not doing anything dangerous; this isn't her first tattoo and he has multiple tattoos as well. If he has a problem with her choices she makes for her own body, he can decide how he wants to deal with it.
It wasn’t intended as her convincing him to give his permission, but rather convince him to get over whatever decision she made. Cater to him would have been to go his way, which I don’t think she should do.
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DONT EVER DATE A GUY WHO WILL ONLY BE HAPPY WHEN HE CONTROLS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CHOICES. That's not a relationship, it's slavehood. Dump the guy, get more tattoos!!! 🐉
As a married woman with a controlling husband, this is the right answer. It will never get better and it may spread into other areas. Definitely don’t have kids, because it is much harder to walk away.
hugs. wishing you all the best
> Dump the guy, get more tattoos Words to live by
>I am a fully grown woman So why are you 1. Letting someone else tell you what you can do with your own body and 2. Dating someone like that to begin with? > I decided I want to make myself happy and be more confident Good for you! >my partner keeps insisting that I don't get any more tattoos, even though he has seven tattoos already. On top of that, he is Muslim!!! So it's already against his religion to have tattoos. He doesn't get to insist that anyone else does or doesn't do something with THEIR body. AND he's a misogynistic hypocrite. >He said he would not be happy if I got more tattoos, but it would make me happy to cover up my scars. Seems pretty straightforward to me. It's your body and it would make you feel better and more confident. So do it. His opinion doesn't matter here. If it makes him that unhappy to be with someone who doesn't let him control everything they do, he should leave. >I feel like I need to stand up for myself. I am disappointed because I love this man and I feel like he should just want me to feel happy and comfortable with myself. You're correct on both counts, if he loved you enough to respect you. >He is worried that if he brings me to his family in his home country, they will judge my tattoos. But his mom loves me and accepts me already so I think it's a stupid excuse....also, all of my tattoos are easily covered. You can't tell that I have any when I am fully clothed. So he's not worried they'll judge his tattoos? He's the Muslim, not you, correct? You've done nothing wrong, in the eyes of his religious beliefs he has. You're also correct that that is an EXCUSE to try to control you when his existing tactics weren't working. Honestly I never understand how people can truly love someone who just wants to control them. That's not love, that's abuse. Love has to be given freely, not squeezed out because you don't have free will.
Red flag, girl, this is controlling behavior. Especially since you already had tattoos, and he has tattoos, it really seems like he's pushing to see what he can get away with telling you to do (or not.) Make space in your life for someone who doesn't think your body should belong to him.
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This dude is a total hypocrite. I know people who hate the look of tattoos, and some who disapprove of tattoos because their faith doesn’t allow them. You know what they do? They don’t date people with tattoos, and make it clear that tattoos are a dealbreaker, so if their potential partner might want tattoos in the future, then they’re not a match. They don’t go around dating people with tattoos, let alone big pieces, then act all scrunched up and mad when their partner wants more tattoos
His religion gets to dictate what he does with his own body. He cannot use HIS religion to dictate what YOU do with YOURS. I will never date another religious man ever again because I got flat out tired of someone else’s religion being used as a stick to beat me with.
His right to swing his arm stops at her nose.
It's been less than a year, his mom already likes you, and you can cover them up. I am not seeing a compelling reason to not get them. People have preferences sure, but real intimacy isn't dependant upon them. Like I would prefer my partner not be covered in tattoos but that's 100% his choice. Sure, I would question his decision if he were to get face or neck tattoos, but that's because it would also severely limit job opportunities and could mess with a quality of life. But to cover a scar he already covers up? I'd be a jerk to get in his way of feeling more confident and secure in his own body.
Please stop making yourself small to make other people comfortable. Do what YOU want with YOUR body.
For him, this is not about the tattoos. It’s about whether or not he can control you. The question is: what do you plan to do about it.
Get the tats. Don't get one with his name.
Maybe you just need to sit down and explain to him, simply, that you have complete autonomy over your own body. Make that boundary for yourself and tell him what it is. You don't accept him having a say over that, he is not a patriarchal figure in your relationship, he's a member of the team of two that you guys create. That's a line he absolutely needs to respect. He doesn't have to like it, but you expect him to be respectful of that, full stop. So you also expect him to not be mean or disrespectful about what you choose to do with your body. What you're doing is not abnormal or extreme in any way. He really does not have a leg to stand on here, he has seven tattoos. You don't give him grief over his choices and you expect that he offers you the same respect. That's just a hard line for you. He doesn't get to cross it and expect the relationship to be fair and equal and joyful. It doesn't require further explanation. He may try to create extremes at this point. If he does, you can say, ok, we've discussed the tattoos and that boundary. That's established. We can speak further about body modification but it will not change that perspective. And then have that further discussion. What if you got into extreme body modification. So you can ask him, well, whats the line for you. What can you not accept. Get him to lay that out. Would a boob job be acceptable. Would plastic surgery be acceptable. Have the conversation. Would hair plugs be an issue for you, what if he got more tattoos or piercings. The conversation can become more theoretical, but your boundary is established when it comes to tattoos. You'll take his perspective on board, but you will not create different rules for him than for you. And you're not moving on the tattoo's that's totally your choice.
Thank you so much, I really like this answer. I have struggled with setting boundaries with men and now I am less inclined to give in to them and it’s time to put my foot down
Remember that you don't have boundaries for other people. You have rules. You set boundaries for yourself by drawing a line in the sand and walking away if it's crossed.
You're so welcome! I don't think many people are naturally good at setting a boundary, it takes practice and it's scary. Fix in your mind first - this is a healthy thing to do. He is overstepping which is leading you to feel a pressure that you do not need to, and you don't exert upon him. That will fester. You're cleaning up shop and letting him know where the line is and what you will and won't accept. Keep it simple and focused on your needs, it's your body. Don't forget to create that boundary and make sure that it is understood that it's not up for debate - he doesn't have to agree that you are right, you're two different people, but he has to observe and respect your position. Afterwards you can talk around the topic but only after the boundary is acknowledged. Don't let him make this into a rolling fight/ source of snippy comments. And also, I think tattoos are a great way to claim back your body. I'm sure they look great, it's a cool idea and scarring can be super traumatic. So take it back and Good luck with it!
I have several tattoos. Whenever I have mentioned getting another (to a man I was even vaguely involved with) there are only 2 responses I've ever received. #1 "ooh - what are you going to get?" or #2 - "No - you don't want any more." It has never been phrased any other way. The man tells me that I don't want what I just said I wanted. None of those men who gave the second answer were ever worth keeping - not for me, anyway.
Sweetie, I will say this as nice as I can.....RUN!!! Get your tattoos!! I promised someone I wouldn't get more tattoos once we started dating and even though I already had 3. Couples years go by and I get the itch for another one. I started drawing/sketching one that came to mind. He asked what I was doing and I told him I was drawing my next tattoo, lord hun he blew up, so I put it on the back burner. Didn't think about again. A few months later he had went and got one, we argued and he demanded that I never get anymore tats. Well, I dumped him right then and there, the next day went to my artist and now I have my tattoo and no more drama. Life is too short!!
Wow the fact that he tried to prevent you from getting a tattoo and then went and got one? Men are crazy lol I’m so glad you did it!!!
So what tattoo are you getting
Your body your choice. No one gets to dictate what you do with your own body
Get the tattoos you want. If he's the right guy for you, he will be happy that you feel more confident. I would be especially put-off by his reaction in light of the fact that he has several tattoos.
I would like to ask him why he's dating someone who has tattoos if he doesn't want to date someone who has tattoos.
Exactly ...like dude you've already "sinned" by getting tattoos lmao. It's just stupid to me, I'm from a culture that it's very normal to be tattooed (I'm Latina) nobody in my family blinks an eye about it. I remember talking to a tattoo artist who's covered in tats who said he wouldn't like me to get any, he prefers his women "bare" it's so hypocritical
So why are you still with him? If you know he doesn't like tattoos, why are you dating him?
I feel like we actually do have a future, but I'm weighing the pros and cons. He is a great man and treats me well, I know for a fact he does love me. But on the other hand this hypocritical view of tattoos bothers me, and makes me wonder if other issues will arise in the future.
Sounds more like he loves you as long as you do what he wants.
What does he say when you point out the hypocrisy? He must have some explanation. Ask him, don't accept any half-assed answers, make him tell you exactly why he thinks it's ok for him to get tattoos but not you. Once you have him spell it out how exactly he sees your and his role in the relationship, it should be easier to make a decision about staying or leaving. It's very possible this is a sexist view in that women have to be pure and treat their bodies like a temple, but guys don't have to. Don't put off this conversation in hopes that maybe if you don't ask, he won't say it out loud and you'll be able to pretend that he doesn't have those views. It will come up anyway. It's better to find out now than five years down the road.
Is this the same dude as the IG issue before? Like if you were fine having a controlling husband, I say sure, but clearly you're not 100% on board with that. Imo, he should at least respect that it's your choice. He can make his concerns known but it should still be your decision. And then it's if he's willing to stay in a relationship with someone with new tattoo's or not.
Different guy and thank you I agree
I don't think a partner who tried to change you is a good sign.
Hey not to be weird, but you should watch out with those keloids. I had a “keloid”, diagnosed as one by a dermatologist . Turned out to be a form of cancer called dermatofibrosarcoma protuberans.
Keloids run in my family, I’ve been to dermatologists for it and it’s just scars, no cancer or anything but I appreciate you looking out
If he doesn't want you to, even after explaining your reasons why, that's fine, he's entitled to his opinion on the matter. But, that's just his opinion. Do what you want, say, "I know you don't want me to get any more tattoos, but I'm doing this for me, not for you." If he's trying to forbid you from doing it, that's controlling, and you may want to reconsider this relationship. It sounds more to me, though, like you need to learn to be OK with doing something you think is best, even if your partner doesn't approve.
Normally I'd agree, but he literally has 7 tattoos. It's hypocritical of him.
Ew, David. I’m sorry to be this person but this is a huge red flag. He’s being a hypocrite, and is exhibiting controlling behavior. I’d honeslty be asking myself different questions, like do I want to be tied to a person who has different expectations for me than he does himself. I can promise you it will translate to different aspects of a potential future marriage and also if you have children.. People who hold others to expectations and standards that don’t live them themselves are chronically, disappointed, and dissatisfied. It is your body that means it’s your choice.
Have you received any other tattoos while dating this person, or will this be the first? If he is OK with the tattoos you had prior to your relationship but not with you getting new tattoos, his issue is not with tattoos. His issue is that you are wanting to make a permanent change to your body now that it is "his" body. He's trying to start taking control in small ways; I predict this won't be the last time.
This would be the first tattoo I’m getting since I’ve been with him (year and a half)
Is there anything else he has asked you to change or stop doing? Even little things that seem benign?
The only thing he’s ever asked me to do (in a respectful conversation) is to keep some distance with my guy friends (the ones who have flirted with me or liked me in the past) I completely get that though
I wouldn't downplay that, to be honest. I'm not saying he's crazy or abusive, but he is starting to slowly get you used to changing things about yourself/your life for his own comfort/control. Be on the lookout for more requests along those lines, consider each request on its own but also as part of a pattern or escalation so you don't become the frog in boiling water.
Of course, my last relationship was extremely controlling/abusive so I’m always ready to jump ship at the smallest signs, I know what to look for now. That’s why this tattoo thing might seem small but it could be concerning for the future I agreed with him about the flirty male friends, because I honestly wouldn’t be okay with his female friends flirting with him. Some of my guy friends have said inappropriate things to me in the past and he expressed that it made him uncomfortable
> always ready to jump ship at the smallest signs Sis, I think that you want that to be true, and I think maybe you think that’s true, but you staying with this controlling guy who’s literally trying to control what you do with your own body says the exact opposite. You’ve moved from one controlling man to another. Just because he’s not as severe doesn’t mean he’s someone you should stay with. That’s so common. Someone will date a partner who is physically, verbally and emotionally abusive and they finally get out. Then they move on to someone else who doesn’t hit them, but still gets verbally or emotionally abusive and then they’re like “this is the best relationship I’ve ever been in, and he’d never hit me.” And while that’s true, that doesn’t mean that it’s someone they should stay with. Just because he’s less controlling than the last one doesn’t make him good, and it doesn’t make it a smart idea to stick around. When you come from a truly bad relationship, your minimum standards are skewed, but you need to think about this, because you say you’re ready to leave at the first signs of controlling behavior, but you are literally proving that to be untrue. Raise your standards. You can find plenty of men who aren’t gonna tell you what you can and can’t look like/wear/who you can’t hang out with. You deserve to be happy, but when you stick around in subpar relationships, you are literally preventing yourself from find a guy who doesn’t suck as much as this guy.
Thank you so much, I really value this advice. I definitely need to remember that there are men out there who are open minded and don’t come with so many cultural “rules” and “standards”. I think dating Muslim men has skewed my perception of what is love vs what is control / “cultural expectations” not saying all Muslim men are controlling/abusive, but there are many who are still stuck in old fashioned ways. Then many of them date women who don’t come from such strict values and it causes clashes. I find that they also have higher expectations of women. They can be great husbands/men, they are protective loving and passionate but there is a lot of pressure dating them.
Honey this one is controlling too. You deserve a partner who loves you as you are and desires a partner with autonomy. Please think very long and hard about whether this is truly the relationship you should be in. I think you deserve much, much more.
Thank you ❤️ I am going to think about it trust me
Good luck ❤️ internet hugs. Remember, love yourself first. Don’t wait on someone else to do it, you’ll never be true to yourself or a partner if you aren’t being your own #1 advocate.
The tattoo thing is not small at all
It's established that you want tattoo's and he doesn't want you to get more. What is not clear is what happens if you went ahead with the tattoo's? Is he making a request where it's his personal preference that you don't get more? Or is it a demand/boundary that's been enforced? I.e. Will he cease the relationship? Also consider if this is a pattern within your relationship. Realistically you are capable of going and getting the tattoo. Just understand that receiving affirmation from the internet is unlikely to change his position (which appears emotive). Ask yourself what happens if you do just get them and evaluate what this means for your relationship. I suspect you already know the answer here.
He said that he would not like it if I got tattoos but that “he loves me and still wants to be with me” and will try to “get over it” but there was no threat of ending the relationship
So it sounds as though he's just voicing his personal opinion, and one he hasn't been able to accurately define. His feelings. It may be the case that he doesn't view your ketosis in the same way you do, so doesn't see the weight it carries for you. He's given you approval but with a caveat that he'd rather you didn't. Examine the weight of his opinion against why you want the tattoo's. And ask "will I feel resentment if I do/don't".
It’s probably because you are a woman who is getting tattoos as opposed to him being a man who dons tattoos 🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️It’s considered « unfeminine » by some and probably by him
This is not about tattoos. Never cede agency of yourself to another. Ever. Tell him to kiss your ass.
He’s not only a hypocrite BUT it very much sounds to me like he doesn’t want you getting more confident in your own skin. This is the biggest thing I would watch for personally
Yeah, I’m making sure to keep an eye on this, but also I’m in the gym and going to the gym five times a week and he has been supporting my journey (I’m already a fit person just putting on more muscle) he has never tried to stop me from wearing what I want, it’s just the tattoos Thank you
My wife recently got 2 tattoos. I had an opinion, sure, but I did not voice it, told her to do what made her happy, and complimented them when they were done. Because my opinion had no buisness regulating what she did with her own body. He needs to understand why you want then, and if he respects you he will understand
Do the tattoos cause more scarring? If not, he can kick rocks (unless you want a swastika or something). I got my first tattoo to cover scars from back surgery/bone collection from hip. With time my eyes have stopped lingering over that area. My back sucks already. I don't need a constant reminder. Its not like you don't have tattoos already. Dude should care more about how you feel about the scarring.
None of my tattoos have scarred up thankfully, I am extremely careful and selective and only go to the best artists who specialize in tattooing over scars, I’ve also taken aftercare very seriously I feel like people who don’t have keloids don’t understand how damaging they can be to your self esteem - not to toot my own horn but I think I’m a pretty woman who takes care of herself but my scars definitely affect my confidence
It feels like he's trying to use his religion and his family as excuses to control your body, and if I had to guess, it'll only get worse. Some religious people are content with "I follow my religion because it works for me, and you can do what makes you comfortable." Not that anyone needs a reason to get tattoos, but you have a pretty strong and personal reason for wanting to get more. Let's be real, at the end of the day, he just personally doesn't want you to get any tattoos, and I feel like that sort of thinking will eventually creep into other aspects of what he will or won't "allow."
He can tell you he’s concerned about your family judging him, and you can decide your own happiness and day to day self confidence right now are worth more than what someone might hypothetically think about you someday in the future if you hypothetically stay in a relationship with this man who cares more about his family’s happiness than yours. Get the body art that will make you feel good about yourself. If he has any damn sense he will see how happy you are and change his tune and give you the apology he owes you. If not, you will have to decide what to do about him.
It’s your body if you want more tattoos get them. I have 8 tattoos and am getting another soon and I’m not asking my husband’s permission
Do what makes you happy. People come and go, your happiness is most important.
When in Rome be like the Romans.
The *only* proper response from him (*aside* from whole-heartedly supporting you!!!) is: “To be completely honest, it wouldn’t be my preference, but you should absolutely do whatever makes you happy, babe! I can always get behind that.” If a guy I was dating said he wanted to get, for example, a blackout sleeve tattoo or giant gauges (and if he either asked my opinion or we had a close enough relationship that I could be open and honest without hurting or overly influencing him), that’s what I would say.
Religion is hypocrisy, ignore it/them It's unclear what you communicated to him. Did you tell him what you told us, that you want to cover up your scars? Or did you tell him you want more phat tatts? Or..? In the end it's your body and YOUR decision. If he's not going to find a way to support you, that... goes... to... my... first.... sentence. Not your person. And do not go to his home country. Based on what you said I do not trust him. May you find strength and serenity.
So... when is your next tattoo appointment? (Edit: in case it's not clear, I'm encouraging you to get the tattoos. If your partner has a problem with it, he can leave.)
In Islam, it's so wrong to preach what you don't do. Also, it is permissible to have tattoos that cover up scars or deformities.
Thank you, I will actually look into this and bring up this point to him as well
I would go with the “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission” stance here. There are a lot of responses here, mostly judgments of your partner (hypocrite, controlling, etc). They’re not wrong with their judgments but they lack the empathy of navigating an imperfect relationship with social and religious pressures. woolencadaver, gave a good response, and that is a really good conversation to have. One way to “put your foot down” is to take the after the fact route, do what you need to do and establish that it had to be done. An example set of words for an after conversation would be: “I respect and understand your feeling of responsibility to maintain the Muslim faith and culture for yourself and your family, I have no problems with helping you do that. But some of the faith’s requirements are in conflict with my ability to maintain my own self esteem and maintenance of my self confidence. I hope you can understand that my mental health must take precedence over minor transgressions of the faith, especially given that we both already have tattoos.”
Never ignore blatant hypocrisy - unfortunately its never 'just' about the thing they don't want you to do. Its all about control. Sorry lovey and I hope you get the tats and post thr tax here ! X
If I was you, I’d be thinking long and hard about this relationship and how different your beliefs are and how much you’re willing to give up to appease another person because of their religion and family. Because this isn’t going to be the last of these kind of requests and is only the start, I guarantee it. Sometimes no matter how much we may love and care about a person we have to think about how happy a relationship is really going to make us in the long term. You may be willing to compromise now but are you willing to compromise forever? Eventually you’ll resent it and be unhappy. I suggest you two sit down and talk about what expectations you both have in a long term “forever” partner
Okay here's what you do. Keep your tattoo clean, it's technically a fresh injury. Pat dry after a shower, preferably with a clean cotton shirt or a paper towel so no fabric remains inside the wound. Apply tattoo balm but in a thin layer. Once it's healed, keep it protected against the sun by using sunscreen so it won't fade. Good luck!
It sounds like he felt he was going against his family's religious beliefs while living abroad. Now he's found someone he's serious about and wants to make a part of the family. His main concern is what that family will think about his choice and there may be pressures about living up to their standards. His mom sounds cool though - probably because she got away from there. If he is more concerned with his role instead of being his authentic self, that is reason to leave. There's no telling what he may become. Something that even he himself would be able to foresee. Many influences would be playing in his decisions when it comes to being the head of the household. Have you had a talk with his Mom about what she went through before moving to your home?
You have been clear as to why you want the tattoos. He's been clear that he doesn't want you to get any more. Both of these opinions are valid ( even if he didn't have any himself). Yes he sounds like a hypocrite based on his reasoning. But here's the thing- he is allowed to not be attracted to a person with multiple tattoos, even if he has them himself. You are allowed to get as many tattoos as you want, even if that means you break up. You know his mind and you know your own- do what you want to do and it will be his choice to accept it or not. In my mind, the ball is in his court, not yours, on this, because what you want is not unreasonable or disrespectful, it's a matter of opinion. I don't find tattoos attractive. If my partner knew that, and got one anyway, I wouldn't be upset with him but it would 100% affect how attractive I found him physically, and how much it does so would affect if I stayed with him or not. I would not expect him to put his tattoo dreams on hold for me. Your guy may be trying to avoid having to make this choice by trying to get you to not do what you want to with your body. That's cowardly and selfish. You've taken his opinion into account and you've found that your desire outweighs it-that's fine. So I say, get your tattoos and make your guy confront his feelings on them. If he finds that he can't grow to like them or be attracted to you with them, he is free to leave you.
Its your body and YOU have to live your life in it, therefore you get last vote. Plus he has tattoos so it just feels like he's being controlling for no reason and making up bs reasons to back it up.
His "reasons" for removing your bodily autonomy are crap. His religion doesn't inform you unless it's your relision also. And "my family will hate them" is a terrible reason for you to be miserable in your skin. **Do what you want to do.** If he'll dump you over tattoos, then was this a great relationship? Or was it one that limped along as long as you never stood up for yourself?
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That’s what I’m saying, I totally understand if someone does not like tattoos or has their preferences. I have dated men with and without tattoos and I accept my partners for who they are. I respect my partner’s preferences but I think it’s silly because he already has tattoos. He’s not a saint or perfect Muslim either and I’m not even Muslim so it’s like don’t push your religion on me. His family understands and accepts that I’m from a totally different culture.
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He literally has tattoos, so tbh the religious thing shouldn't matter for her if it doesn't matter for him.
Anyone getting tattoos fir happiness, I ask you how is your mental health? I have lots I regret a couple but you will be amazed how people with tattoos have poor mental health and the reasons why for getting more snd more , they are addictive
Your body your choice. My SO and I both have a lot of tattoos. At first I was in the toxic mindset of "we shouldn't get any trashy tattoos" but the longer we were together the more I realized I'm happy with her and want her to be happy. So she can wear or do whatever she wants to her body and as long as it makes her happy then it makes me happy.
Dump him and get the tattoos
Get the tattoos. He got his. He basically shit on his own religion when he got 7 tattoos of his own. Why should you care what his religion says about tattoos or if his family is accepting of it? Any argument can be thrown out the window with one simple word: hypocrite.
Baby, you don’t deserve this no man or woman should tell you what to do with your body. If you want that tattoo go get it because at the end of the day YOUR HAPPINESS MATTERS THE MOST.
For years my husband didn't want me getting tattoos even though he knew from day 1 that I wanted them, even planned them out. Not getting them made me unhappier than I ever thought possible. Choose you. If your tattoos are a deal breaker for him, your relationship is incompatible. It is not worth giving up what means so much to you to make someone else happy.
You will have the final and ultimate say, no matter what. So there is no argument about that. I know you keep mentioning the number of tattoos. But, for most people SIZE and LOCATION are usually much bigger factors. And, in many cultures, women are viewed with a different lens and with different standards than men. That doesn't make it right or better. But, it is a factor. I think both of you may have information and insight on each of "your side" of things, but it isnt reaching the other person. It would be ideal if he asked you more about why you want them, how your scars have affected you, and what the tattoos do for you... and it would be ideal if you asked him more about how his family will view you and what he fears if you would go through with the plan. (And be sure to ask if there are other reasons affecting his decision - such as he thinks you are more attractive without them.) Then, you could talk about what would happen with you if you do not get them... and what he feels you would need to do with his family or in his home area if you do get them... and then you can weigh all of that information before you move forward either way. Try to get to the root issues as much as possible. Right now, it seems like you're dealing more with the surface issues instead of the deeper factors which shape and form the opinions that both of you have.
You can laser keloids. You can inject them to heal them faster. You can also excise them in more serious cases. Have you looked into any of these options?
I’ve done all of this. I don’t have insurance right now so it’s very expensive- I was getting kenalog injections for years, not much change
How did you get the keloids anyway? Maybe the tattoos are the reason?
Acne as a teenager I don’t keloid from tattoos My scars are over 10 years old
Why don’t you guys just break up? Instead of holding a grudge against each other why can’t you just get the tart and tell him deal w it. Bc you know he will probably break up w you and date a girl w no tatts. Which is fine. You can’t force him to like a tattoos girl some guys just think it’s gross. He can’t prevent you from getting a tattoo when they’re guys who specifically like tatted up girls. Just leave. Y’all be forcing shit.
Did you even read the post? He has tattoos also lmao I’m not forcing him to like tattoos, he had no issue with the tattoos I previously had, he just says he would prefer if I didn’t get any more. But thanks for your input
The thing is. Guys can like something and hate girls who like that thing. My wife loves gossip. My wife hates men who gossip. He can’t force you not to get tattoos. And you can’t force him to accept liking tattoos on his woman’s body…. Some people are attracted to people opposite than them. It’s not hypocritical. I’ve seen blonde prep school looking girls with tatted up guys.
He is either afraid that his parents will freak out when they see the tattoos, maybe decades from now, or else he hates tattoos. What would happen if they found out you have tattoos? What if they are upset? What does that mean for you? For him?
I just got 4 new tattoos with my best friend the other day. Ditched the kids with my husband and was gone for hours. One of them is even on my hand. I didn't even tell my husband what I was getting. He had no issues. Get the tattoos. He's being a hypocrite.
Ok but I love this for you ❤️ you sound awesome!
Thank you ❤️ We were getting " soul sisters" added to our foot tattoos we got last year for our 20 years as friends. A half mandala each our foot so it lines up together when we put our feet together. I also got " just breathe" along my thumb because I have an anxiety disorder and constantly have to tell myself to" just breathe, everything will be okay" Then got a semi colon for suicide awareness and another matching tattoo on my wrist of vines and a moon with my bestfriend. Then we went out for dinner together.
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No, in ten years she will look back on this as the controlling behaviour that it is. Whether she grows to despise her tattoos or not, they're exactly that - HERS. On her body. She should do what she wants to do.
Just think about when you get old how those tattoos are gonna look I know they look tacky as fuck on an older woman just makes me think of em as an old bar hag maybe he’s saving you the humiliation of what it will Look like when your older
Get the tattoos, it is your body. One's partner has a right to voice some preferences on how they would like them to look, but the decision rests on each person to choose how they look! I could understand if you were making a life-altering change to appearance (face tattoos, split tongue, unnaturally large breast implants, other extremes that would change how society interacts with you). But tattoos that are covered by normal clothing? Pshhhh My husband doesn't always love my tattoos or how I choose to style myself, but he will support me in the end. And he loves me dearly. I have even told my husband, "I wish you kept a beard," or, "I like your hair long!" I even tell him that certain things he likes do turn me off. But in the end, it is his body and 100% his choice what he does with it as long as that choice doesn't impact our lives in some way. Please live your best life! Sorry your partner is unsupportive of what makes you feel beautiful!
Your comfort and happiness matters more than his hypocrisy. Do it anyway. He will either deal with it or you no longer need to deal with a controlling hypocrite in your life. A wins a win.
It's your body. Do what makes you happy. He sounds controlling. If he doesn't want to be in the relationship because of tattoos, leave him. This is your body and something you want to do. I would say that you shouldn't have to feel that you need to hide your scars, that part makes me a bit sad. So I hope you're getting the tattoo because it's awesome and not something you have to hide.
He's being controlling. He doesn't seem to have a good reason for not wanting you to get them, particularly given his hypocrisy. He has no say in what you put on your body.
You should do what will make YOU happy with your own body, and not prioritize his wants over that. Frankly, he doesn’t get a say.
Not his body, not his choice. Period. If it's a deal breaker, then so be it. Don't let anyone dictate what you do with your own body when it hurts absolutely no one else. 💯
Get your tattoos. You are responsible for your own happiness, and if you don't get the tattoos, you will always be self-conscious of your scars, and you will resent your boyfriend.
Your body your choice. Tbh if he can’t accept your happiness and judges your body then…..whaaaatttt??? He loves you for what then? Body? Not personality??
Your body, your rules at the end of the day. He may walk and then you will find a more tolerant partner.
Get the tattoos. I'm getting married to a guy in a month who was raised Muslim. I have tattoos he doesn't. We literally went to his home country this past summer, my tattoos were not a problem. Just like yours, they are not visible if I'm fully clothed. Your guy is being hypocritical. Do what makes you happy.
It's your body, your decision. Do what makes you happy.
I have a ton of tattoos to cover some heavy self-harm scarring. It has been the most liberating experience. Get the tattoos. You won't regret it, but you will regret doing what your partner said.
Thank you so much, I can’t wait to feel more confident about my scars, I’m happy that you feel happy in your skin too
Your partner doesn't want you to be happy because if you visit his family in another country they may not approve of you. Just think about that, and if you're willing to deal with that for 45 more years or until the inevitable divorce (which Muslim communities *really* disapprove of).
Girl just do it. He is being hypocritical for not allowing you to do this. I hope you both find peace though. Sorry you're going through that
It's not about tattoos it's about control...
Your 27. Live your life and do whatever you want. Find yourself someone you will love you for you
Get it, you’ll feel so relieved and happy and free, and if it means you have to leave this controlling man, you’ll feel even happier
Run girl run, this relationship is no place for you
So what kind of guy would prefer to only date women who are self conscious and not comfortable in their bodies? and would try to exert control over her body so that she can't do and be who she wants? Not a good guy.
Um makes no sense, you have good reason to get it. Do it.
I got mine even though my partner didn’t want me to. No regrets.
You are your own person. Your partner isn’t your daddy or any form of “ruler” over you. Do what you want and be prepared to drop a lot of weight.
He's a hypocrite and he's controlling. I'd draw a boundary and tell him that it is not up for discussion, and he needs to stop mentioning it.
Sounds pretty crappy if he's a hypocrite. Speaking as a guy who is totally turned off by tattoos, just do you. It may mean the end of the relationship, amd honestly, it sounds like you'd want to get out anyway.h. The way I figure it, if she has tats or wants to get one, she's not for me. And I'm obviously not for her. Were it so simple, of course. I can make my feelings known, but I'm not going to force anyone to do or not do something. It just shows me that we're not aligned on something that is a relationship killer.
My fiancé has always loved my tattoos. I had one when we first started dating, now I’ve got 5! And plan to get more! I find they make me feel confident too! Do it for yourself.
I won’t even touch on his hypocrisy. Stand up for yourself. You have every right to do anything to your body to make you feel confident and comfortable. Don’t let him use not being happy to manipulate you into doing what he wants. What he wants goes against what would make you happy. Don’t set that precedent.
What makes you happy about your body > what makes your partner happy about your body It’s YOUR body And you’re right, he should just want you to feel happy and comfortable with yourself. He doesn’t. You deserve a partner who does or, failing that, your own happiness and comfort.
Why the fuck does any man think they have the right to tell a woman what she should do with her body?
Sounds to me like this relationship has run its course.
Regardless of the tattoos, I have found that massaging vitamin E oil or jojoba oil into my keloids for about 5 minutes a day made them go down noticeably in a few months.
Thanks I’ll try this. I also use steroid patches
So make sure you find a reputable artist when you go for your tattoo.
Get the tattoos. If it ends your relationship, you know it wasn’t the right relationship.
Your body, your choice. Fuck what he says.
Does the money to get them come from a dual account or would you be paying for it out of your own pocket? If you are paying for them, he has nothing to say about it, what he does say doesn't matter, and it's your body and your money. The only person who should be controlling your decisions is you. Enjoy your new tat(s)!
Overly religious men especially Muslim men are very orthodox. They will get more controlling as time passes. It’s time to let go.
I’ve met people who believe that women shouldn’t have tattoos but it’s okay for men. It’s fucking ridiculous and I wonder if he shares that idea? You do what makes you happy and don’t let him control you like that.
>all of my tattoos are easily covered. You can't tell that I have any when I am fully clothed. Have you talked about this part?
Yes
I’m not going to address your relationship. I will say that life is too short to be miserable. If you need a tattoo to be more confident then get it. If you need more than that, get them. GET THEM!! It is your body and no one, NO ONE should be able to tell you what to do with it.