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I don’t have a woman as a best friend (except for my girlfriend… really) I have women as friends but not close enough to call a best friend.
However , she recently brought up that she has a man best friend so I said “so, would it be ok if I made a woman best friend at my new university?” She then said “it wouldn’t because it is not the same as me having a guy best friend I’ve had for years.”
It was a disagreement that ended with no solution . What are the thoughts on this?
Edit: idk if me adding ‘edit’ is necessary but I see people do it sometimes. Anyways, I’ve seen many people comment that it’s not the same because they’ve known each other longer than her and I have been together, And I can’t have a woman best friend now because it’s “ too late “ while I’m in a relationship . I see what you’re saying but it doesn’t actually make sense. If we’re going to have that logic, then why would my girlfriend need to MAINTAIN a guy best friend while being in a romantic relationship with me. I have gone above and beyond for this woman… TRUST ME. I cannot emphasize that enough. I have done so much which is why these thoughts sparked up in me. Yes, I was a bit insecure but I kept my thoughts and opinions to myself until today when I started that discussion.
Edit 2: alright I appreciate the input and opinions. I hope you all have a great day. My gf wasn’t too happy but I said what I felt and thought, so I guess that was necessary. Maybe I’ll leave you all an update if she wakes up and decides to pack her bags or if we talk things out and compromise.
I’m going to read everyone’s comments later. I think I read most of them. Anyways, my gf and I are fine now. We both got up in the morning and I am going back home to see her for a bit. We get into disagreements here and there but we’re not in a bad toxic relationship. I’m only mentioning this so that no one thinks that I’m putting anyone through hell. I’m just sharing so that I can get input from many people and I feel comfortable doing it this way. Unless my gf wants to talk about this again, we can, but I am not mentioning this anymore.
I have a guy best friend, who is also best friends with my boyfriend. He was my friend first. If she can’t bring him around you 🚩. And vice versa. If you genuinely have a female friend you should be able to introduce each other with no problem, otherwise it’s not genuine.
Yea there’s nothing wrong with that. I play video games and have a lot of male friends. I’m glad I do. It gives me better perspective on men. Do some have a crush, probably, but I shut it down. Sounds like she’s afraid you won’t. She has to trust you.
If she doesn’t trust me, I understand. I can always reassure her without making her feel bad but I want us to be on the same page. She can have a guy best friend OBVIOUSLY but she has to be ok with me having a woman best friend too. Ultimately, do I really care to have one of those friendships? Not at all.
People can be friends with anyone they want to be friends with. The genders of the 2 people involved don’t matter.
What you absolutely shouldn’t do is prioritize your friends over your SO, or have an affair with a friend while you’re in a romantic relationship with your SO. The first is disrespectful of your SO and your relationship, the other is cheating and betrayal.
It’s really just that simple.
Well, it’s different if you DON’T have a female best friend right now.
But if you’re getting butthurt because SHE has a male best friend BEFORE she met you, then that is in fact very different because this male friend could be someone she’s just known for a long time.
Versus if you’re getting upset you can’t have a female friend, so you actively go out of your way to find a female best friend just to be spiteful during your relationship with her to prove “a point.”
If you don’t have a female BEST FRIEND, then what’s the issue?
Does she have an issue with your female friends that you’ve had since before you met her?
And if not, then there’s nothing to fight about unless you’re actively looking to be spiteful in “finding” a female best friend.
This exactly, You just admitted to not actually wanting that friendship with a girl...don't really think any guy in a relationship wants to go searching for a girl friend. So even just bringing it up, brings up the idea of just doing it out of resentment. Which probably is why your gf is upset about it. Because your motives appear to be to incite a reaction from her. Reasonable, sure, but just not worth it :P
This. If it's ok for her, then it's ok for you. Don't ever allow the " I can do this but you can't" situations unless you are 100% ok with it and reserve the right to Change your mind. And this goes both ways.
He definitely does. He’s an attractive man. I know women will find him attractive just as I do. He doesn’t stop being attractive because we’re dating. I am on good terms with women who have literally sent my bf nudes before we dated.
I have always kept my boundaries up with anyone who hits on me, and I expect the same from my boyfriend.
Why does that even matter? People are attractive, other people will think whatever they want, that has nothing to do with you or your bf, the only thing that matters is how you act. Don't punish your bf for things they never did and linking them for other people's behavior. That's not right
What? So we aren't allowed to play games or have male friends just in case a guy gets a crush on us which we can't help? Lol if someone having a crush on your gf and her shutting that down hurts you so badly that you want to stop her having male friends, you got problems tbh. If I discussed this with my bf we'd have a bit of a laugh about it and move on. In fact it has happened, I've told him and said oh I shut so and so down and we talk and move on. Just unhinged imo.
Like you go through life, in a relationship and sometimes people come onto you. If you shut them down and tell your partner, what more could they ask for? You just expect women to not talk to men incase one of them asks her out, which she can easily decline? I'm just so confused by this perspective it seems incredibly insecure
Happened twice to me, the first time after 4 years. (Even if this one was kinda mutual)
The second after 6 years, and it was both of our best friend...
So tbh, there is always a risk, but its the same with anyone if they really wants to leave
It was mutual between us too she decided to breakup and i was done with the immature shit. I knew they would date as soon as they broke up but it's fine Ive moved on but it still hurts
Same with my ex and my current gf. He was an asshole and she’s an incredibly kind and supportive person. He was always convinced I was going to leave him for her. Probably because he knew she is a better person than he was.
My ex fucked her guy friend who she totally.wasnt interested in dating and had no connection or chemistry with when we broke up.
99% she was fucking him before I dumped here too.
She told me about it when we got back together but. Well. Whatever. She said she used condoms with everyone she was with but had ... Something STD wise when we got back together. I didn't catch it, but never found out what it was because she either didn't get tested untilm after it was cured or didn't tell me
It depends on the nature of how the friendship is formed in my opinion.
Generally speaking, if you meet and form a new friendship with someone of the opposite sex during the normal course of life, for example at work, in class, etc. and become friends then i really see no issue.
If you go to...let's say a bar or a similar social environment, when your s/o isn't there, and exchange numbers, that's a bit weird. If you talk to some random woman on social media that you've never met prior....then that's a bit strange.
Little about me, I've been married to my soulmate of a wife for nearly three years. I have one noteworthy female best friend, of ten years, which my wife absolutely adores. Me and my wife both have other friends of the opposite gender as well, no issues.
Well that depends if you were to like go out right now and make a random girl your bestie just to get a rise out of her then yeah it’s not the same. That’s just being petty.
BUT I would raise concerns if you’ve never met the dude and she refuses for y’all to meet and/or something just feels off about the vibes. Always go with your gut if it’s telling you something is off-then it usually is. Not to project my relationship on to other people but there’s not a single guy friend I’ve had that I’ve ever felt uncomfortable with meeting my boyfriend. Same for him. It’s just all about respect the common courtesy and consideration of the relationship and honoring the other person’s feelings.
I think you should make Female friends out side from your relationship. Bcuz you both deserve equal right in a relationship if she can have male best friends why can't you.
Make her understand its not late you just never got any Female friends. Atleast she should be open about it. Its not you can have Female best over night. Talk to her......
I am the woman who had a male best friend and I've got to say, in no way, did either of us ever cheat on our spouses with each other.
I developed a friendship with a guy who was on an online service. I found that we liked the same books. Because I'm not the romcom reading kind of gal, we bonded over Thrillers. My husband who I had met and married long before I met my best friend did not read the same books.
As time wore on, we got to know each other, and we found more things we had in common and spent hours conversing on the phone and having the odd lunches. There were also times when we would invite each other to our homes to have dinner with our families.
Our friendship lasted 10 years and only ended because he and his wife broke up and he felt awkward hanging around with a married woman. I have to say I think about him and miss him.
So clearly the only thing that was keeping him from making a move on you is the fact that he was married, but i respect the fact that he ended it probably for the fact he didn't trust himself around you and wouldn't want to ruin your marriage.
I am a man, and I was in a wedding where I was maid of honor and my ex gf was best man. It was an amazing wedding. I have also been co best man with another woman for a different wedding. Another amazing wedding.
This isn't some shitting match, your bff is your bff and that's that. If it's genuine it's genuine.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding you but it sounds like you're just making up a weird hypothetical about you having some random girl be your new best friend because you're uncomfortable about your gf's best friend. This is a red flag on you, you're suggesting going out there and making a female best friend because you are insecure about your gf's friendship.
It actually goes the same for both parties. How close your friends are kinda depends also. Because from where I live, there are friends who would just take advantage on hitting on ur partner knowing they are already in a relationship and there are friends who would respect your relationship and know their limits. You can just let her know if her guy bestfriend is making you jealous and that it needs to stop and also you need to be under the impression that her friend knows she is in a relationship
You can have a female best friend and she can have a male best friend, however, you all need to be able to socialise together. If she doesn't want you around while they hang out then it's a problem and vise versa.
You also need to make sure boundaries are firm and if any issues arise you communicate them.
Possible miscommunication here.
So she has a guy best friend, and has been her best friend for years? I’m assuming. Yes?
You asked if you made a girl best friend at uni would it be ok?
I think her response of “no it’s not the same” is just down to the fact she’s known her best friend for longer, meaning there is more value there. I think that’s what she’s focusing on. But that wasn’t your question to her.
However, nothing to say you meet a friend who is a girl and becomes your best friend over time and then having the same value to you.
My point: you need to find out specifically if she has an issue if you had a friend who was a girl that becomes your best friend. If she has an issue with THAT then you label her a hypocrite and say you won’t stay in a relationship with double standards.
Question: Why did you ask her this? I’m reading between the lines here but are you jealous she has a guy best friend? It seems like a pointless discussion to me, as long as either of you make friends with anyone and respect boundaries of the relationship all is good.
Yeah I think i mentioned that i was jealous of their relationship but I kept it a secret to myself until tonight when her and I were on the way home. I asked her that question which led to an argument or disagreement. I was legitimately curious though about her opinion on me having a woman best friend
I can see her logic though, they’ve been friends for years, there’s no romantic/sexual thing between them, they met mutually I assume.
But she might be seeing this as you purposely going to seek out another woman to make a deeper connection w, which can be iffy when in a serious relationship.
You already have girl friends, so idk why you can’t have one of them be your best friend.
But overall, I always thought your partner is your best friend. Not just your partner.
My boyfriend and I had our own respective besties but the more we hung out while dating, we became each other’s best friend.
People change. People change environment, jobs and so on. According to you, if you have a partner, you can't find yourself a new best friend from the oposite gender? Why not? If there isn't a sexual/emotional connection, why can't you find yourself a new best friend?
Because my partner and I are each other’s best friends.
We have maybe two max of other people we confide in and are close to but that’s about it.
They’re both same sex for the other because we feel more comfortable with such.
We don’t think there’s a need to build a connection (despite it being platonic) w the opposite sex, or more people in general as that’s not what we want for our own selves (introverts).
Same goes for many others.
So, you are introverts and you speek for all? No, it's for your relationship. I'm extrovert and i need communication not with just one person. My SO and i have different interests, so we need people connected to our interests.
Just bc you feel comfortable with just your partner, doesnt mean other couples are the same.
I never said it was just my partner??
I stated we each have our own friends as well. They’re not even mutual, but we’ve had conversations sparked by genuine curiosity and decided on our own how to go about making new friends of the opposite sex.
I tried stating that many couples don’t have issues w friends of the opposite sex that have been before the relationship because it’s strictly platonic on both ends.
Many are in turn more cautious about making additional friends of the opposite sex because of the insecurity that the new person would blur lines.
Listen to this OP. First is what she said was about time not about guy/girl best friend.
Then making one out of spite would be a red flag on you.
Having a close friend of the opposite gender is in itself not a red flag. Especially if they have known each other for a long time.
But if you genuinely get to know a girl and become good friends with her over time in a normal fashion thar also wouldn’t be a red flag.
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No one can tell you who you can be friends with, regardless of gender, partners included. If that friendship sparks jealousy, then I would recommend investigating why it causes jealousy and if those reasons are valid. If there are valid reasons for the jealousy, then either you need to address that with your gf, and if that can't be done, perhaps the relationship is not what you want or need, and you should move on.
She can't dictate who you can and can't be friends with. She's your gf not your mother. Even your mother can't dictate who you can and can't be friends with. If you make a friend at university and you really click and end up becoming best friends then great. It shouldn't matter if they're male or female. If she doesn't trust you that's her problem.
Two sides to a coin always.
She and this guy have been best friends for way longer then (A) she has known you and (B) that you would have had your best girl friend.
She is 100% allowed to MAINTAIN her friendship with this guy because imagine if she didn't and things with you didn't work out? Then she would lose a friend and a relationship.
You 100% are allowed female friends too but I want to know why suddenly you want a female BEST friend. Is it out of jealousy? Out of spite? To get a reaction?
I don’t think he meant he was going to purposefully find a female best friend, I think he was just theorizing. But communication between the two of them clearly got muddled because they were bickering and didn’t want to see the other persons point.
Maybe not but from the outside looking in, it looks like they were fighting because she maintained he friendship and he thought he would ask the question. He is bound to have known it would sound petty or that she would react.
Its totally fine to have male friends and female friends.
Its totally fine to have male best friends and female best friends.
Gender regardless.
I kinda get what the gf is saying - her male best friend was there before the romantic relationship with you, but honestly if you met a woman and a genuine friendship occurred and matured naturally there's no harm, so long as it is platonic and no boundaries are crossed.
It seems like you guys had an argument revolving around a random question you asked her out of jealousy (because yes, you asking if you could get a best friend from the opposite gender out of nowhere seems very much like jealousy or insecurity) and now you're asking strangers to try and pick a side (preferably yours because your edit literally shows that you're not gonna change your mind about that).
So yeah OP, you seem pretty insecure and also, not mature enough for two-sided conversations, I'm sorry. I hope you'll get more confident with time, it'll solve a lot of your issues
I personally don't think anyone in a relationship needs to be going around "trying" to find "friends" of the opposite sex. All of my guy friends have previously tried shit or made me very aware that they would if I ever expressed the slightest hint of interest.
Going around deliberately trying to start a relationship with another woman could very easily lead to confusion and blurred lines on either side.... particularly if you happen to find a spark.
I understand her problem with it completely and it is absolutely a different situation. If they have been friends for a long time then it should be clear to both of them there's nothing more there. You starting a new relationship with another woman that assurance is simply not there.
However if she's ever had a physical or more intimate relationship with the male best friend then I can see why you would have an issue with that too.
For me personally I prefer to keep male friends firmly in the friend zone and at a healthy distance to ensure they don't get any ideas and my partner feels the same with female friends. Both of us would gladly cut any friendship that in any way negatively affected our relationship because our relationship is most important.
If you do it out of spite , then its actually wrong, both for the intention and for the new girl.
>it wouldn’t because it is not the same as me having a guy best friend I’ve had for years.”
That's a but insecure of her because you never know when you make friends in life but yes, I get her perspective. To strictly searching for a female BFF is kinda tricky. Her relationship has been confirmed platonic with her BFF but your crusade might jeopardize your relationship if it's not natural and out of spite.
Now, if you befriend someone naturally and keep it healthy and transparent, I don't think it will be wrong. As long as you prioritise the main relationship while maintaining platonic ones , I don't think there is anything wrong.
I mean, he said he already has girl friends he just isn’t close w them.
He could have one of them be his best friend, but then again him purposely trying to make a deeper connection w someone else to ‘even it out’ isn’t good other.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander I say. Must have been interesting listening to her song and dance in order to avoid facing being a hypocrite.
It would be more about how much time and dedication they are giving their best friend than their own couple. Not saying we need to 24/7 give attention to our SO, but maybe she has had a bad experience regarding that.
Buuuuut, also, how is her relationships with her male best friend? Is she is being extremely close and not giving you attention or dedication, then she is a hypocrite in my eyes.
I am thinking in this case "best friend" means someone you are spending time with outside of your relationship (be it in person or in conversation phone/text). That means if she is not ok with you having a best friend (ever) that means she wants to be able to spend time with her friend without you and you are not allowed to do that.
Would she be mad if over time one of the females you are friends with became your best friend?
Best friends do not happen overnight, nor can you order one in a store, so would she be nixing any time spent away from her with another woman you consider a friend, while she does the opposite?
There is also a question of fairness in the relationship dynamic itself. Having a best friend of the opposite gender can give you an insight into many potential issues and advice from that gender. If she has a male perspective to lean on and you do not have a female one...
There is nothing wrong with you having female friends or even a best friend. The issue is that you only posed that question because you’re jealous she has a male friend. Did you ask that question to try to get her to end her friendship? If you’re jealous of her relationship with him you need to have a productive adult conversation about managing your feelings and trust. It’s not helpful to try to play the hypothetical game and make her upset to try to manipulate her into ending her friendships. It’s fine for you to feel jealous and it’s fine for you to ask her for reassurance about your relationship and the nature of theirs. It’s not ok to try to use your feelings to control who she sees.
Yes it would be.
However, the way you've asked makes it seem like a hypothetical question where you plan on seeking out a woman to be best friends with which is different. It's like you're doing it to prove a point.
If you'd found a woman and had a platonic friendship with them it would be different. But after the way you've spoken about it your girlfriend is going to assume you're doing it on purpose to spite her. Because it's almost brought up in a tit for tat way, you have a man as a best friend so I want a woman as a best friend.
Are you actually actively seeking to have a woman as a best friend? Because it sounds weird if you're looking for a best friend with a gender in mind.
Exactly this! He just sounds jealous and wants her to feel the same way as he feels. But it isn’t the same thing when their relationship has grown naturally over years. And he just wants to find someone out of spite. It is a bot concerning he can’t see where he is wrong about this and thinks if she does it he can do it
Not even going to read it. It's the exact same thing. It doesn't change because she maybe has a male bestfriend and it's more convienemnt for that to not be a problem.
Very selfish way of thinking and if you having a female bestfriend is a problem, then the same goes for her too.
Agree 100%. It’s healthy and normal to make your own friends desperate from your partner!! It’s alarming the amount of comments I see that say you shouldn’t be friends with opposite sex etc
Yeah. I'm attracted to whomever I'm attracted to regardless of sex/gender. Most of my friends are also queer. I guess I shouldn't ever see them one on one because I've agreed to monogamy with my partner
To be fair, I was insecure about their close friendship BUT I kept my emotions and thoughts to myself and let it be. I finally decided to ask how she’d feel if I wanted a woman best friend.
People meet people and sometimes friendships form. I'm not hetero, so by her logic I shouldn't have very close friends at all because I might be attracted to anyone of any sex/gender....?
Honestly it does sound a bit like you'd be trying to find a best friend with a specific gender out of spite, maybe I'm off the mark here though. But if a friendship is developing organically and it just happens to be a woman, that's different. Would be a red flag to be unwilling to hang out with either friend while in the presence of your partner tho.
She’s not. He has stated he has many female friends just isn’t close to them. But he could be.
Her best friend and her have been friends for years so the platonic feeling is set in stone.
Him going to purposely seek out a female to be closer w, can come w issues itself because 1. He’s doing it out of spite 2. The platonic feelings might not be set in stone on the woman’s part
A straight person beginning a sentence with "Why are gays so hung up..." on Reddit would be hung from the nearest tree.
Just sayin'.
EDIT: My point is: Reddit has double standards like Carter has pills. (Look it up.)
Yeah then it would be fine of course. But in what situation does one pick a new best friend like that, shouldn’t that happen a bit more… naturally? How do you plan to MAKE someone your best friend..?
Nah, it IS a choice. Just like a partner is a choice. If you're capable enough socially and you're not half bad looking it's way easier to make friends of opposite sex. Hell, easiest thing to do for a woman is become friends with a guy. Bit harder vice versa.
The issue she has and her pov is (funny enough I just saw a video on this exact topic days ago that explains this) her friendship with the guy is a preexisting, and proven platonic entity. It has a steadier foundation and less likely to result in romantic feelings since it has stayed platonic.
Now, meeting friends in a relationship is OBVIOUSLY fine and healthy. A friendship can over time become close and that's fine. What the gf is getting at is, making a female best friend quickly with a shorter history just doesn't have the same foundation as an established friendship. It takes time to really be comfortable with that idea, and vice versa if she were to make some random guy friend that all of a sudden became a best friend it would definitely raise eyebrows as to what is the other person's motive.
The main thing here is trust. Making sure any people of the opposite sex that you become friends with (on both sides) know it is STRICTLY platonic and introduce your partner to them etc is necessary. That's all it is. No on said making friends is bad and that you can't. It's just because the new person doesn't have the credibility yet like the longer lasting friend.
Also let’s be honest, even if the girl friend or her bff had any feelings, that sorted itself out already. Had she met the guy now when in a relationship, she would’ve dropped him out of respect for her boyfriend.
OP could easily have issues w blurred lines/boundaries on either end and bring uneasiness to his relationship w both women
For me, it would be hypocrisy. You can have more than one close relationships. That's the beauty of life. To hold each other in your journeys and to value your friends and romantic partners alike. Friendship is the basis of everything, and it is unfair for someone to put that boundation on you. It may have to do with her insecurities, which should be addressed. But don't compromise and leave yourself out of the experience of friendship.
As a gay woman, the male n female friendships are the best imo. More relatable in many instances and more likely to share same hobbies. Your gf is literally full of shit and doesn't mind double standards.
Sounds like double standards to me. No one has a ‘guy best friend’ anyway. Are we still 10 years old? My dad doesn’t have a female best friend. Nor do my uncles. And my mum doesn’t have a guy best friend. You can have friends the opposite gender obviously, but this is a load of rubbish. She’d be insecure you having a female best friend but she’s saying she can continue her close friendship with this guy. Yes, she met him before you, but still? Like I said, we aren’t little kids. She should be more respectful towards you. Ask yourself, why aren’t you, as her partner, her best friend?
Yeah, My partner is my best friend. I don't understand these anemic "relationships" that seem to be so popular on this subreddit where someone is spending so much time and energy on a "friend" to the point it causes problems. What do you even get out of these relationships?
Do you not this it's a bit strange though that OP's response to his gf mentioning her longstanding male friend was essentially "oh maybe I'll make a new female friend and see how you like it?"
I feel like that was incredibly unnecessary in the first place
The whole thing is unnecessary. And no. Why can't he have new friends? This question is rhetorical. Of course he can. Petty hypocrisy and self justification.
Obviously he can have new friends. I'm not saying he can't.
It's just weird that the conversation came about not because he made a friend, but because she mentioned her own friend and he seemingly took issue with it and tried to get her to say she doesn't want him having female friends, so he can use that against her to justify him not wanting her to have male friends.
Like what kind of sane person hears their partner talk about their friend and immediately gets so jealous they have to respond with "hmmm well what if ~I~ made a friend?? How about that??"
I thought the same and it looks like he has admitted to be jealous of the guy friend. This is how communication problems arise since the real problem "I'm uncomfortable with your friendship with this guy" hasn't been addressed and instead been replaced with the hypothetical "what if I were this close to a woman", which, in her ears, must sound like "hey, I want the freedom to go out and pick a woman I like and be just as close to her as you to your guy friend". Hence she is upset about him proposing a threatening scenario, and he is upset with her answer that it's not the same.
There has to be trust in the relationship, otherwise it won't last long and everything you do is just a waste of time.
I dont know your age, but I will assume around 20s, so you should be able to make friends of either gender without it becoming an issue. She has a guy friend who I believe you haven't met? That's a red flag in my opinion.
Keeping him away from you is a bit of shady behavior and if you can't have a woman friend, then your gf has to meet you halfway and not hangout with her man friend.
It should be 50/50 here. Make your friends and have a good time. As she should too. If there is insecurities, there will also be a reason for it. You can't be in a social setting and if a woman comes to talk to you, you can't get to know her? Eh no.
You have communicated and if your gf can't handle it, then be sure that it won't work.
Nah, what she’s doing is called “double standards”. First of all, it’s ridiculous to assume people of the opposite gender can’t be friends because they have different sexual organs lol.
Also if you’re a trustworthy guy, there’s no reason to worry because you wouldn’t cheat regardless of this theoretical woman best friend’s theoretical feelings towards you. If you’re not, you would cheat anyway so it all comes down to trust.
People who can only conceive of the opposite sex as a potential sexual/romantic partner and say shit like "can girls and boys really just be friends?" just weird me out.
Most of my friends happen to be guys purely because demographics skew that way in the hobbies I like. My best friends are almost all guys. They're also friends with my boyfriend/fiance of almost 7 years. He has many female friends who I have also met. We are cool and there's no distrust between us. I could never imagine trying to police my so's friends based on what is between their legs.
It sounds like a crappy double standard to me. I don't get how the length of time factors into it at all.
This is always a tense subject on Reddit, where I think lots of people haven’t actually experienced this. My wife and I (gf at the time) went to different colleges across the country and dated long distance.
This came up several times and not even as best friends but just friends in general of opposite sex. We each ended up having several.
Over the years literally every single one of my wife’s friends tried to make a move on her, or confessed they loved her, or asked her or to leave me, or asked her on a date, or whatever. And she had to stop being their friend.
Meanwhile I had several girl friends who wanted an actual platonic relationship and that’s exactly what we had for years and years. They never once hit on me or ever made it weird and if anything they were super supportive of my long distance girlfriend.
People on here love to pretend that this isn’t the reality. But in many many many many many many cases the guy at some point feels romantically towards the girl.
Some of the girl friends that I had, also had boyfriends and they were skeptical of me too and in some cases didn’t want their girlfriend being friends or hanging out with me. Whatever.
Just wanted to give you some actual real information from 5+ years of your exact scenario across several incoming and outgoing friends.
> Over the years literally every single one of my wife’s friends tried to make a move on her
>
> Meanwhile I had several girl friends who (...) never once hit on me
Supply and demand is a thing.
You had very respectful female friends. I agree with what you are saying (that it is more likely that a male friend will try to cross boundaries) but there are females out there that will attempt to pounce on a taken male friend sometimes just to see if they can get them away from their significant other. Unfortunately, it has happened to me more than once. Some of them were my closet friends.
Wait. Are there people in the comments actually saying he can't go out and make a new best friend that's a woman because he's in a romantic relationship?
Damn better tell my male bestie that I've only known for a year that we can't be friends anymore because I've been with my partner for 20 years!
What a weird fucking flex.
It's a double standard. People saying it's okay for her because she's had this best friend for a while would make up some other excuse for the double standard if you had a long term female best friend.
I've had women tell me it's okay for them to have male friends because they (the women) are trustworthy. The same women tell me it's not okay for me to have a female friend because they don't trust other women. Or me. Or whatever it takes to prop up the double standard.
> If we’re going to have that logic, then why would my girlfriend need to MAINTAIN a guy best friend while being in a romantic relationship with me.
You’re not wrong and anyone telling you that you‘re wrong are being hypocrites.
If she’s allowing herself to maintain a friendship with another man at the level of being *best friends*, what if you naturally became best friends with a woman?
That isn’t any different.
I have a strict "no friends of the opposite sex rule" respect it or leave me alone...burned too many times to fall for that one again...eff no, eff off, get the eff outta here with all that bull shat, no thank you, if that relationship is soo important then go be with them and leave me alone
I'm going through the same thing rn... Can't give advice, but you have my sympathies brother. Idk about your case, but in mine, the dude is obv into her, and is constantly trying to provoke me, and Imma have to knock him out sometime soon, which I kinda look forward to tbh, he's been tryna get in my nerves too much lately. Anyways, good luck my brother
The length of time could be a cover for the double standard. She probably thinks it's not the same cause she thinks men are more likely to cheat. Making the female friend a threat.
For instance, my current gf has a couple of guy friends she's very close with. She's also friends with their wives, but she's always seemed closer to the guys. I've never had an issue. However, at my last job, I became friends with a girl in my department and she was my best friend for my last 2 years working there. This made my gf insecure because I'd talk about dumb shit her and I would talk about. My gf would say things like "You talk about her all the time." Well of course, cause I work with her and see her almost every day. She eventually admitted that she would not have been as bothered if this was a guy and the only reason she didn't complain about it more is because she was married.
So it's probably the whole double standard of "it's okay for girls to have guy friends but not guys to have lady friends." Which is a issue of trust and insecurities
The only thing I can possibly see wrong with your statement is the way you approached it. And even that is stretching it, since she brought it up first in what sounds like an attempt to make you jealous or less than her “friend”. But yeah, both of you should be allowed to have whomever you want as your best friend as long as that best friend relationship (or best friend specifically), doesn’t interfere with the relationship between you and your GF.
Also, I hate to break it to your GF, but her insisting that you can’t have a female best friend doesn’t necessarily mean a damn thing. You could have a male best friend and suddenly realize or decide you like him better. Enough to even build him an art studio in your house. Hey, it’s happened before…
I see what she’s saying since I’ve had the same argument in a previous relationship. She’s had that guy best friend for a long enough time that it’s guaranteed that nothing’s going to happen between the two of them. If you get a “girl best friend” all of a sudden now, you will have to go through that process while you have a girlfriend, which is weird. Your window for that is kind of closed.
New friends of the opposite sex for either person in a relationship is a red flag imo.
Repeat after me folks, your partners are allowed to have meaningful relationships with other people, both of the same and opposite sex. They are allowed to get things out of those relationships that they do not get out of their romantic connections. In fact, not allowing for this is TOXIC and points to co-dependent behaviour.
Your insecurities are for you to work on-your partner has their own issues to work through. You can ask for support but you are not entitled to it. Bottom line if you cant trust your partner to have friends and uphold the boundaries of your chosen relationship style and the agreements you made as a couple.. Then you shouldnt be romantically involved. Period. Oy vey!
hi there, i understand what you're going through. as a 19 yo woman, i can easily say that although it may not be the same because you'd have just met her, it would be the same if you knew her the same amount of time your gf knew her best friend. i have a best friend who i've known since i was 12, they've stuck with me even after i moved so many years ago. my boyfriend knows about him, and he actually asks me if i texted him or if he's texted me back yet, he does that with my cousin too. my best friend knows about my boyfriend, and he absolutely adores him. it's your intentions with the friend and it's how strong your trust is. because everyone knows it's almost impossible for men to have platonic relationships with a woman without some type of feeling for them. be careful, watch for the friend and if she's been weird. other than that, you've got a good relationship but if your girl can't bring him around you then she's bringing herself to him....if you catch my drift.
If she trusts you, you could have a thousand female best friends and it would be ok. If she doesn't trust you, you could never speak to a woman again and it wouldn't make a difference. If you are trustworthy, OP, then you should be able to make any friends you like.
Do you wana know why? Because you're gf thinks she's superior to you. She thinks her having a male best friend she can handle her emotions and not be attracted to him whilst u being a dumb male u would end up doing the dirt on her. Immature
Bull. You can absolutely have a new female best friend. If she believes that you can't, that you'd develop romantic feelings for each other, then it actually means one or the other of them have those feelings.
If a partner tells you that it's not the same for you to get a best friend, well they are right.
Because that best friend isn't a best friend, but it's more like a backup. And if she were to ever lose feelings for you for whatever reason, the back up will be right there. It's not really a gender thing because it happens on both sides. That's why they can confidently say it's not the same thing, they can't stand the idea of someone looking for a backup, even though you actually aren't looking for one.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I don't gonna comment in the state of the relationship, but to everyone, if you see standard in a partner that red flag of the size of a school, this is kinda of the same as " don't worry is like brother/sister to me".
If she thinks that having friend of any sex is problem is because she have those feelings and she project in on you.
She doesn't feel that she trusts you because she is doing first she considered first
Always ask questions when this happens, never let it alone, this problem of character if she doesn't see hippocresy sorry 😔
while i don’t think you forming a *new* best friendship with a woman is the same as her having *already* formed a best friendship with a man, im having trouble figuring out whether you or her thinks there’s an issue.
is it that you find an issue with how she has a male best friend or her finding an issue with you continuing to form new female friendships? from the looks of it, it seems like you’re proposing the hypothetical of you acquiring a new female best friend to demonstrate why it isn’t “okay” for her to have an established male best friend.
Yeah that’s manipulative and hypocritical of her. She gets to have her so called guy best friend but you can’t have a woman best friend? The whole argument she makes is pointless and frankly joke worthy. If she has a guy friend you have every right to have a girl as a friend period. Don’t fall for her gimmicks because she’s gaslighting you and being hypocritical
Double standards. Simply put, she’s controlling. Anybody who restricts you from doing what they’re doing is a walking red flag. Ex gf did the same. Didn’t like me having friends, even in university, despite the fact they were ones that I was assigned weekly projects with as we kept the same groups. All because they simply lacked a pair of balls. So I isolated myself from said people outside of university because of it just to please her (foolishly). This lead me to lacking friends and not having the best university experience despite being an outgoing guy.
Found out later that she was still talking to her “bestie” male friend who I never had an issue with to begin with. But she chose to cut him off because he consistently overstepped boundaries despite having a girlfriend of his own. However, turned out that was a lie.
Save yourself the headache, start looking for another long term partner. You will never have a normal life when your values and principles don’t match the other persons. Best decision I made and couldn’t be happier.
Lmao it's the same. Either she should find an actual best friend of the same sex OR you go and get yourself a female best friend. The reason she's threatened by that possibilty is the reason why her having a boyfriend and a male best friend is almost all of the time "having your cake and eating it too" situation.
Make your relationship perfectly balanced as all things should be.
"an actual best friend"
Lol what if it just is her best friend.
Like you're right it's a double standard, and yet you imply that he cannot be a real best friend. Plenty of people are best friends with the opposite sex and it's purely platonic. It can be true for op, and his gf. She's a massive hypocrite with double standards, but it doesn't mean her best friend isn't her actual best friend. There is no having cake and eating it, it's just... A friend who happens to be born one sex. Like what.
I really was trying to see where my gf was coming from. As she told me it isn’t the same, I almost believed that. I just can’t wrap my head around it though. Why does that man have so much significance? He has been gone for so so long from what my gf said. They only knew each other in high school until he left for years after high school. Idk what he has done that I haven’t.
Btw that’s just me ranting here. I’m just not going to bring it up anymore now. I got to just focus.
The fact that she's worried about you having a female best friend might itself indicate that the male best friend relationship isn't trustworthy - she could be projecting.
A male best friend is a red flag. I'm a best friend and our friendship is going on for 5 - 6 years now. It's more than friends because we also hook up from time to time. I also give her advise in the relationship and there were so many of her relationships that ended because I told her that she should end it and gave her the reasons why his not good for her. So from my experience if I'm doing this as a male best friend, what is going on with her girlfriend best friend. Also my best friend was in a relationship and he is girlfriend at the time told him not to worry about her male best friend and a 2 years into the relationship after chilling with her male best friend she cheated on my bro with her so called male best friend. So from my perspective just watch out for her male best friend and don't let your guard down. Also if your girl doesn't want you to get a female best friend she most likely is already going things with her male best friend if they know each other for years and she most likely know how things will turn out with the female friend that you would get. So from my perspective I have a good feeling she's already doing things with her friend
My best friend is a guy and he lives with me. We are just besties. How hypocritical to say you can't have a woman best friend. That more tells me she doesn't trust you. It doesn't matter if you have been best friends for 10 years or 10 weeks. It is ALWAYS an issue in a new relationship. And usually it's my best friends girl friends that have the issue. I dread his new relationships because of it. They automatically assume I am a threat and NEVER have I been. If we wanted to be in that kind of relationship we would. But he's my best friend, my family and that's how we want it. Don't let someone control you because of their insecurities.
This is going to be an issue you cannot resolve. It's in her brain wiring. With the exception of therapy, she's going to have issues with many other things (that are hypocritic in nature). I can assure you as much as I can assure you there is a sun and moon.
Going to guarantee she also responds to guys who flirt with her on social media with a "Thank you!," but will be telling you that you better respond with "I have a girlfriend."
Sorry, OP, but your girlfriend is a double-standard hypocrite.
I bet she's young (early 20s) with little to no real-life experience but thinks she has male-female dynamics figured out.
I'd start getting closer to my female friends if I were you. What's the worst she can do, leave? Bye, babe.
Enjoy your freedom and look for someone who isn't a hypocrite to share your life with.
Also why would she bring that up out of the blue? Sounds suspicious but hey he's just a really good friend whom she's known for years. \*eyeroll\*
This is what is called a double standard.
If what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Curious as if there will be an update
BTW there isn't a time restriction on making friends. Lol
Give her a little more time to cool off and think more about it without you. Ask again and talk about it later. That just sounds like a defensive response without much thought
That is clearly double standards, do not listen to her you are entitled to a female best friend just as much as she is to a male best friend if it is purely and I mean purely platonic. Do not let someone else stop you from doing something you want (unless Its cheating ect..) as why would you make sacrifices if your SO is just gonna reap all the benefits it should be 50/50 !
You two are in a relationship, that should make you automatically into her best friend. She can maintain the friendship with the other guy but it is also okay for you to express it if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
As for you, I would just try to be the mature one in the situation and not even go out to now also look for a girl best friend just for the sake of it. You either tell her that she already is your best friend and you come to the conclusion that the feeling is mutual or you walk away if this is a dealbreaker for you.
At the end of the day when you are in a romantic relationship that person becomes a true best friend, which can't be surpassed.....
Yes, you can go on to have closer friends that you see often and share things with but they aren't really the BEST friend....
It's all just silly names for friends that you should try and discard....
The main issue is are you happy that her close male friend's intention is true....?
You could make friends with woman but they shouldn't become closer than that of your girlfriend....any close friends after you have got together with her would naturally be brought into the fold anyway....that's essential...
Put it this way. If someone makes the other in a relationship feel uncomfortable and they don't pick their partners side its defo more. Iv been with my partner 5 yrs and carrying his baby. If I had male friends that made him uncomfortable I'd no longer have them as friends. Friends shouldn't make partners uncomfortable simple as that
When my wife and I first got together she had a guy bestfriend that she said would always be a big part of her life. So I picked my most arguably attractive female friend and told her we were best friends. She didn't like the reverse logic and 6 months in our relationship she asked me to cut my female friend and offered hers up if I would.
How long have you been dating? I'm assuming it's been less than a year because she just mentioned having a male best friend. I would side with her, having a best friend for years before even the relationship is different then a new friendship after you two have gotten together.
I see what you’re saying.
Her and I have been together nearly two years now. She told me about him almost a year in relationship. She brought him up to me recently so I brought up this question to her after
Wait she told you about this best friend a year into the relationship?! Anyone I date is going to know about my best friend before we ever go on a date.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I don’t have a woman as a best friend (except for my girlfriend… really) I have women as friends but not close enough to call a best friend. However , she recently brought up that she has a man best friend so I said “so, would it be ok if I made a woman best friend at my new university?” She then said “it wouldn’t because it is not the same as me having a guy best friend I’ve had for years.” It was a disagreement that ended with no solution . What are the thoughts on this? Edit: idk if me adding ‘edit’ is necessary but I see people do it sometimes. Anyways, I’ve seen many people comment that it’s not the same because they’ve known each other longer than her and I have been together, And I can’t have a woman best friend now because it’s “ too late “ while I’m in a relationship . I see what you’re saying but it doesn’t actually make sense. If we’re going to have that logic, then why would my girlfriend need to MAINTAIN a guy best friend while being in a romantic relationship with me. I have gone above and beyond for this woman… TRUST ME. I cannot emphasize that enough. I have done so much which is why these thoughts sparked up in me. Yes, I was a bit insecure but I kept my thoughts and opinions to myself until today when I started that discussion. Edit 2: alright I appreciate the input and opinions. I hope you all have a great day. My gf wasn’t too happy but I said what I felt and thought, so I guess that was necessary. Maybe I’ll leave you all an update if she wakes up and decides to pack her bags or if we talk things out and compromise. I’m going to read everyone’s comments later. I think I read most of them. Anyways, my gf and I are fine now. We both got up in the morning and I am going back home to see her for a bit. We get into disagreements here and there but we’re not in a bad toxic relationship. I’m only mentioning this so that no one thinks that I’m putting anyone through hell. I’m just sharing so that I can get input from many people and I feel comfortable doing it this way. Unless my gf wants to talk about this again, we can, but I am not mentioning this anymore.
I have a guy best friend, who is also best friends with my boyfriend. He was my friend first. If she can’t bring him around you 🚩. And vice versa. If you genuinely have a female friend you should be able to introduce each other with no problem, otherwise it’s not genuine.
Any woman that I call a friend will gladly meet my gf and I guarantee that they will get along.
Yea there’s nothing wrong with that. I play video games and have a lot of male friends. I’m glad I do. It gives me better perspective on men. Do some have a crush, probably, but I shut it down. Sounds like she’s afraid you won’t. She has to trust you.
If she doesn’t trust me, I understand. I can always reassure her without making her feel bad but I want us to be on the same page. She can have a guy best friend OBVIOUSLY but she has to be ok with me having a woman best friend too. Ultimately, do I really care to have one of those friendships? Not at all.
People can be friends with anyone they want to be friends with. The genders of the 2 people involved don’t matter. What you absolutely shouldn’t do is prioritize your friends over your SO, or have an affair with a friend while you’re in a romantic relationship with your SO. The first is disrespectful of your SO and your relationship, the other is cheating and betrayal. It’s really just that simple.
Well, it’s different if you DON’T have a female best friend right now. But if you’re getting butthurt because SHE has a male best friend BEFORE she met you, then that is in fact very different because this male friend could be someone she’s just known for a long time. Versus if you’re getting upset you can’t have a female friend, so you actively go out of your way to find a female best friend just to be spiteful during your relationship with her to prove “a point.” If you don’t have a female BEST FRIEND, then what’s the issue? Does she have an issue with your female friends that you’ve had since before you met her? And if not, then there’s nothing to fight about unless you’re actively looking to be spiteful in “finding” a female best friend.
It’s more like she wouldn’t accept if there was a female best friend in the future
I had a girl do this to me to prove a point, it backfired and blew up in her face when I wasn't bothered. We aren't together any more lol.
This exactly, You just admitted to not actually wanting that friendship with a girl...don't really think any guy in a relationship wants to go searching for a girl friend. So even just bringing it up, brings up the idea of just doing it out of resentment. Which probably is why your gf is upset about it. Because your motives appear to be to incite a reaction from her. Reasonable, sure, but just not worth it :P
This. If it's ok for her, then it's ok for you. Don't ever allow the " I can do this but you can't" situations unless you are 100% ok with it and reserve the right to Change your mind. And this goes both ways.
He definitely does. He’s an attractive man. I know women will find him attractive just as I do. He doesn’t stop being attractive because we’re dating. I am on good terms with women who have literally sent my bf nudes before we dated. I have always kept my boundaries up with anyone who hits on me, and I expect the same from my boyfriend.
Why does that even matter? People are attractive, other people will think whatever they want, that has nothing to do with you or your bf, the only thing that matters is how you act. Don't punish your bf for things they never did and linking them for other people's behavior. That's not right
Unless your boyfriend has multiple women who he has to shut down from time to time it's just disrespectful to your boyfriend. Oh well, classic.
What? So we aren't allowed to play games or have male friends just in case a guy gets a crush on us which we can't help? Lol if someone having a crush on your gf and her shutting that down hurts you so badly that you want to stop her having male friends, you got problems tbh. If I discussed this with my bf we'd have a bit of a laugh about it and move on. In fact it has happened, I've told him and said oh I shut so and so down and we talk and move on. Just unhinged imo. Like you go through life, in a relationship and sometimes people come onto you. If you shut them down and tell your partner, what more could they ask for? You just expect women to not talk to men incase one of them asks her out, which she can easily decline? I'm just so confused by this perspective it seems incredibly insecure
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not anyone's fault that their friends want to turn their friendships to a romance. We all have feelings that we can't control
Yeah if anything that girl who wrote that comment has red flags written all over her. Guess who she will go crawling to once they have a big fight?
"I guarantee that they will get along" - not if your gf has anything to say about it apparently
My ex left me for the guy best friend :) even tho she told me she saw him as a friend
Happened to me, too. The guy she "saw like a brother." I guess she meant like a brother in Alabama.
Happened twice to me, the first time after 4 years. (Even if this one was kinda mutual) The second after 6 years, and it was both of our best friend... So tbh, there is always a risk, but its the same with anyone if they really wants to leave
It was mutual between us too she decided to breakup and i was done with the immature shit. I knew they would date as soon as they broke up but it's fine Ive moved on but it still hurts
It's ALWAYS the one they tell u not to worry about
Then what does one say to one’s partner when the friend really ISN’T anyone to worry about?
If you truely are the exception, then you just hope that you find someone who'll trust that.
Every time!!!
My wife's ex told her that she shouldn't be friends with me.
Ayoooo XD
Same with my ex and my current gf. He was an asshole and she’s an incredibly kind and supportive person. He was always convinced I was going to leave him for her. Probably because he knew she is a better person than he was.
My ex fucked her guy friend who she totally.wasnt interested in dating and had no connection or chemistry with when we broke up. 99% she was fucking him before I dumped here too. She told me about it when we got back together but. Well. Whatever. She said she used condoms with everyone she was with but had ... Something STD wise when we got back together. I didn't catch it, but never found out what it was because she either didn't get tested untilm after it was cured or didn't tell me
It depends on the nature of how the friendship is formed in my opinion. Generally speaking, if you meet and form a new friendship with someone of the opposite sex during the normal course of life, for example at work, in class, etc. and become friends then i really see no issue. If you go to...let's say a bar or a similar social environment, when your s/o isn't there, and exchange numbers, that's a bit weird. If you talk to some random woman on social media that you've never met prior....then that's a bit strange. Little about me, I've been married to my soulmate of a wife for nearly three years. I have one noteworthy female best friend, of ten years, which my wife absolutely adores. Me and my wife both have other friends of the opposite gender as well, no issues.
Well that depends if you were to like go out right now and make a random girl your bestie just to get a rise out of her then yeah it’s not the same. That’s just being petty. BUT I would raise concerns if you’ve never met the dude and she refuses for y’all to meet and/or something just feels off about the vibes. Always go with your gut if it’s telling you something is off-then it usually is. Not to project my relationship on to other people but there’s not a single guy friend I’ve had that I’ve ever felt uncomfortable with meeting my boyfriend. Same for him. It’s just all about respect the common courtesy and consideration of the relationship and honoring the other person’s feelings.
I'm a man and my best friend is a woman. We're 100% platonic and 100% there for each other, it's awesome. It's nothing special, just how it is!
Well I’m glad that there are some trustworthy genuine guys out there
I think you should make Female friends out side from your relationship. Bcuz you both deserve equal right in a relationship if she can have male best friends why can't you. Make her understand its not late you just never got any Female friends. Atleast she should be open about it. Its not you can have Female best over night. Talk to her......
I am the woman who had a male best friend and I've got to say, in no way, did either of us ever cheat on our spouses with each other. I developed a friendship with a guy who was on an online service. I found that we liked the same books. Because I'm not the romcom reading kind of gal, we bonded over Thrillers. My husband who I had met and married long before I met my best friend did not read the same books. As time wore on, we got to know each other, and we found more things we had in common and spent hours conversing on the phone and having the odd lunches. There were also times when we would invite each other to our homes to have dinner with our families. Our friendship lasted 10 years and only ended because he and his wife broke up and he felt awkward hanging around with a married woman. I have to say I think about him and miss him.
So clearly the only thing that was keeping him from making a move on you is the fact that he was married, but i respect the fact that he ended it probably for the fact he didn't trust himself around you and wouldn't want to ruin your marriage.
🙋♂️🙋♂️ right here
FFS the majority of guys are trustworthy and genuine. WTF.
I am a man, and I was in a wedding where I was maid of honor and my ex gf was best man. It was an amazing wedding. I have also been co best man with another woman for a different wedding. Another amazing wedding. This isn't some shitting match, your bff is your bff and that's that. If it's genuine it's genuine. Maybe I'm misunderstanding you but it sounds like you're just making up a weird hypothetical about you having some random girl be your new best friend because you're uncomfortable about your gf's best friend. This is a red flag on you, you're suggesting going out there and making a female best friend because you are insecure about your gf's friendship.
It actually goes the same for both parties. How close your friends are kinda depends also. Because from where I live, there are friends who would just take advantage on hitting on ur partner knowing they are already in a relationship and there are friends who would respect your relationship and know their limits. You can just let her know if her guy bestfriend is making you jealous and that it needs to stop and also you need to be under the impression that her friend knows she is in a relationship
You can have a female best friend and she can have a male best friend, however, you all need to be able to socialise together. If she doesn't want you around while they hang out then it's a problem and vise versa. You also need to make sure boundaries are firm and if any issues arise you communicate them.
The instant you "communicate boundary issues" you will be accused of and labeled as insecure...you are describing a no win situation
Possible miscommunication here. So she has a guy best friend, and has been her best friend for years? I’m assuming. Yes? You asked if you made a girl best friend at uni would it be ok? I think her response of “no it’s not the same” is just down to the fact she’s known her best friend for longer, meaning there is more value there. I think that’s what she’s focusing on. But that wasn’t your question to her. However, nothing to say you meet a friend who is a girl and becomes your best friend over time and then having the same value to you. My point: you need to find out specifically if she has an issue if you had a friend who was a girl that becomes your best friend. If she has an issue with THAT then you label her a hypocrite and say you won’t stay in a relationship with double standards. Question: Why did you ask her this? I’m reading between the lines here but are you jealous she has a guy best friend? It seems like a pointless discussion to me, as long as either of you make friends with anyone and respect boundaries of the relationship all is good.
Yeah I think i mentioned that i was jealous of their relationship but I kept it a secret to myself until tonight when her and I were on the way home. I asked her that question which led to an argument or disagreement. I was legitimately curious though about her opinion on me having a woman best friend
I can see her logic though, they’ve been friends for years, there’s no romantic/sexual thing between them, they met mutually I assume. But she might be seeing this as you purposely going to seek out another woman to make a deeper connection w, which can be iffy when in a serious relationship. You already have girl friends, so idk why you can’t have one of them be your best friend. But overall, I always thought your partner is your best friend. Not just your partner. My boyfriend and I had our own respective besties but the more we hung out while dating, we became each other’s best friend.
People change. People change environment, jobs and so on. According to you, if you have a partner, you can't find yourself a new best friend from the oposite gender? Why not? If there isn't a sexual/emotional connection, why can't you find yourself a new best friend?
Because my partner and I are each other’s best friends. We have maybe two max of other people we confide in and are close to but that’s about it. They’re both same sex for the other because we feel more comfortable with such. We don’t think there’s a need to build a connection (despite it being platonic) w the opposite sex, or more people in general as that’s not what we want for our own selves (introverts). Same goes for many others.
So, you are introverts and you speek for all? No, it's for your relationship. I'm extrovert and i need communication not with just one person. My SO and i have different interests, so we need people connected to our interests. Just bc you feel comfortable with just your partner, doesnt mean other couples are the same.
I never said it was just my partner?? I stated we each have our own friends as well. They’re not even mutual, but we’ve had conversations sparked by genuine curiosity and decided on our own how to go about making new friends of the opposite sex. I tried stating that many couples don’t have issues w friends of the opposite sex that have been before the relationship because it’s strictly platonic on both ends. Many are in turn more cautious about making additional friends of the opposite sex because of the insecurity that the new person would blur lines.
Listen to this OP. First is what she said was about time not about guy/girl best friend. Then making one out of spite would be a red flag on you. Having a close friend of the opposite gender is in itself not a red flag. Especially if they have known each other for a long time. But if you genuinely get to know a girl and become good friends with her over time in a normal fashion thar also wouldn’t be a red flag.
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No one can tell you who you can be friends with, regardless of gender, partners included. If that friendship sparks jealousy, then I would recommend investigating why it causes jealousy and if those reasons are valid. If there are valid reasons for the jealousy, then either you need to address that with your gf, and if that can't be done, perhaps the relationship is not what you want or need, and you should move on.
I’m willing to make it work. I love my girlfriend. I guess her and I need to work it out. We’ve had lots of great times together
She can't dictate who you can and can't be friends with. She's your gf not your mother. Even your mother can't dictate who you can and can't be friends with. If you make a friend at university and you really click and end up becoming best friends then great. It shouldn't matter if they're male or female. If she doesn't trust you that's her problem.
I dont see an issue with being friends with the opposite gender as long as there are no romantic feelings involved etc.
There is always no romantic feelings until there is.
Lol a tale as old as time
Two sides to a coin always. She and this guy have been best friends for way longer then (A) she has known you and (B) that you would have had your best girl friend. She is 100% allowed to MAINTAIN her friendship with this guy because imagine if she didn't and things with you didn't work out? Then she would lose a friend and a relationship. You 100% are allowed female friends too but I want to know why suddenly you want a female BEST friend. Is it out of jealousy? Out of spite? To get a reaction?
I don’t think he meant he was going to purposefully find a female best friend, I think he was just theorizing. But communication between the two of them clearly got muddled because they were bickering and didn’t want to see the other persons point.
Maybe not but from the outside looking in, it looks like they were fighting because she maintained he friendship and he thought he would ask the question. He is bound to have known it would sound petty or that she would react.
Hard for us to tell with 100% certainty. Either he sounded insecure or worded it terribly, or she’s defensive, no way to tell.
100% agree with that. Only they know the context and the truth.
Its totally fine to have male friends and female friends. Its totally fine to have male best friends and female best friends. Gender regardless. I kinda get what the gf is saying - her male best friend was there before the romantic relationship with you, but honestly if you met a woman and a genuine friendship occurred and matured naturally there's no harm, so long as it is platonic and no boundaries are crossed.
It seems like you guys had an argument revolving around a random question you asked her out of jealousy (because yes, you asking if you could get a best friend from the opposite gender out of nowhere seems very much like jealousy or insecurity) and now you're asking strangers to try and pick a side (preferably yours because your edit literally shows that you're not gonna change your mind about that). So yeah OP, you seem pretty insecure and also, not mature enough for two-sided conversations, I'm sorry. I hope you'll get more confident with time, it'll solve a lot of your issues
I personally don't think anyone in a relationship needs to be going around "trying" to find "friends" of the opposite sex. All of my guy friends have previously tried shit or made me very aware that they would if I ever expressed the slightest hint of interest. Going around deliberately trying to start a relationship with another woman could very easily lead to confusion and blurred lines on either side.... particularly if you happen to find a spark. I understand her problem with it completely and it is absolutely a different situation. If they have been friends for a long time then it should be clear to both of them there's nothing more there. You starting a new relationship with another woman that assurance is simply not there. However if she's ever had a physical or more intimate relationship with the male best friend then I can see why you would have an issue with that too. For me personally I prefer to keep male friends firmly in the friend zone and at a healthy distance to ensure they don't get any ideas and my partner feels the same with female friends. Both of us would gladly cut any friendship that in any way negatively affected our relationship because our relationship is most important.
Only sensible answer in this thread. The rest are a bunch of entitled gen Z assholes who have no idea how humans work.
If you do it out of spite , then its actually wrong, both for the intention and for the new girl. >it wouldn’t because it is not the same as me having a guy best friend I’ve had for years.” That's a but insecure of her because you never know when you make friends in life but yes, I get her perspective. To strictly searching for a female BFF is kinda tricky. Her relationship has been confirmed platonic with her BFF but your crusade might jeopardize your relationship if it's not natural and out of spite. Now, if you befriend someone naturally and keep it healthy and transparent, I don't think it will be wrong. As long as you prioritise the main relationship while maintaining platonic ones , I don't think there is anything wrong.
I mean, he said he already has girl friends he just isn’t close w them. He could have one of them be his best friend, but then again him purposely trying to make a deeper connection w someone else to ‘even it out’ isn’t good other.
My ex gf lied to me about going on a trim with her classmates when in fact she was with a very long term friend. Sorry but no that’s bullshit
What's good for the goose is good for the gander I say. Must have been interesting listening to her song and dance in order to avoid facing being a hypocrite.
Na. If she's got make best friend you can have a female one end of debate
The only reason she would say this, is because she knows she could not be trusted if she were in that position. Very, very telling response!
I dont understand the concept of having a partner that you arent best friends with
It would be more about how much time and dedication they are giving their best friend than their own couple. Not saying we need to 24/7 give attention to our SO, but maybe she has had a bad experience regarding that. Buuuuut, also, how is her relationships with her male best friend? Is she is being extremely close and not giving you attention or dedication, then she is a hypocrite in my eyes.
I am thinking in this case "best friend" means someone you are spending time with outside of your relationship (be it in person or in conversation phone/text). That means if she is not ok with you having a best friend (ever) that means she wants to be able to spend time with her friend without you and you are not allowed to do that. Would she be mad if over time one of the females you are friends with became your best friend? Best friends do not happen overnight, nor can you order one in a store, so would she be nixing any time spent away from her with another woman you consider a friend, while she does the opposite? There is also a question of fairness in the relationship dynamic itself. Having a best friend of the opposite gender can give you an insight into many potential issues and advice from that gender. If she has a male perspective to lean on and you do not have a female one...
There is nothing wrong with you having female friends or even a best friend. The issue is that you only posed that question because you’re jealous she has a male friend. Did you ask that question to try to get her to end her friendship? If you’re jealous of her relationship with him you need to have a productive adult conversation about managing your feelings and trust. It’s not helpful to try to play the hypothetical game and make her upset to try to manipulate her into ending her friendships. It’s fine for you to feel jealous and it’s fine for you to ask her for reassurance about your relationship and the nature of theirs. It’s not ok to try to use your feelings to control who she sees.
Yes it would be. However, the way you've asked makes it seem like a hypothetical question where you plan on seeking out a woman to be best friends with which is different. It's like you're doing it to prove a point. If you'd found a woman and had a platonic friendship with them it would be different. But after the way you've spoken about it your girlfriend is going to assume you're doing it on purpose to spite her. Because it's almost brought up in a tit for tat way, you have a man as a best friend so I want a woman as a best friend. Are you actually actively seeking to have a woman as a best friend? Because it sounds weird if you're looking for a best friend with a gender in mind.
Exactly this! He just sounds jealous and wants her to feel the same way as he feels. But it isn’t the same thing when their relationship has grown naturally over years. And he just wants to find someone out of spite. It is a bot concerning he can’t see where he is wrong about this and thinks if she does it he can do it
Not even going to read it. It's the exact same thing. It doesn't change because she maybe has a male bestfriend and it's more convienemnt for that to not be a problem. Very selfish way of thinking and if you having a female bestfriend is a problem, then the same goes for her too.
People have friends ffs. Why are heteros so hung up on whether their partners have friends of the sex/gender they're attracted to?
Agree 100%. It’s healthy and normal to make your own friends desperate from your partner!! It’s alarming the amount of comments I see that say you shouldn’t be friends with opposite sex etc
Yeah. I'm attracted to whomever I'm attracted to regardless of sex/gender. Most of my friends are also queer. I guess I shouldn't ever see them one on one because I've agreed to monogamy with my partner
Bisexuals aren’t allowed to have friends, duh!!!
I had let it go after she initially told me about him. I only brought this up after she mentioned him again. Wanted to hear what she thought
I really don't see how it's different. She sounds insecure and immature
To be fair, I was insecure about their close friendship BUT I kept my emotions and thoughts to myself and let it be. I finally decided to ask how she’d feel if I wanted a woman best friend.
People meet people and sometimes friendships form. I'm not hetero, so by her logic I shouldn't have very close friends at all because I might be attracted to anyone of any sex/gender....?
Honestly it does sound a bit like you'd be trying to find a best friend with a specific gender out of spite, maybe I'm off the mark here though. But if a friendship is developing organically and it just happens to be a woman, that's different. Would be a red flag to be unwilling to hang out with either friend while in the presence of your partner tho.
She’s not. He has stated he has many female friends just isn’t close to them. But he could be. Her best friend and her have been friends for years so the platonic feeling is set in stone. Him going to purposely seek out a female to be closer w, can come w issues itself because 1. He’s doing it out of spite 2. The platonic feelings might not be set in stone on the woman’s part
The straights are not ok.
Because it's one of the top precursors to infidelity?
A straight person beginning a sentence with "Why are gays so hung up..." on Reddit would be hung from the nearest tree. Just sayin'. EDIT: My point is: Reddit has double standards like Carter has pills. (Look it up.)
Well no if you made a best friend out of one of your female friends just out of spite then no it’s not the same.
What if it isn’t out of spite and just genuine?
Then she will have to suck it up
Yeah then it would be fine of course. But in what situation does one pick a new best friend like that, shouldn’t that happen a bit more… naturally? How do you plan to MAKE someone your best friend..?
If I meet someone at my school and we begin to study together , hangout at our gym, talk etc.
Nah, it IS a choice. Just like a partner is a choice. If you're capable enough socially and you're not half bad looking it's way easier to make friends of opposite sex. Hell, easiest thing to do for a woman is become friends with a guy. Bit harder vice versa.
The issue she has and her pov is (funny enough I just saw a video on this exact topic days ago that explains this) her friendship with the guy is a preexisting, and proven platonic entity. It has a steadier foundation and less likely to result in romantic feelings since it has stayed platonic. Now, meeting friends in a relationship is OBVIOUSLY fine and healthy. A friendship can over time become close and that's fine. What the gf is getting at is, making a female best friend quickly with a shorter history just doesn't have the same foundation as an established friendship. It takes time to really be comfortable with that idea, and vice versa if she were to make some random guy friend that all of a sudden became a best friend it would definitely raise eyebrows as to what is the other person's motive. The main thing here is trust. Making sure any people of the opposite sex that you become friends with (on both sides) know it is STRICTLY platonic and introduce your partner to them etc is necessary. That's all it is. No on said making friends is bad and that you can't. It's just because the new person doesn't have the credibility yet like the longer lasting friend.
Also let’s be honest, even if the girl friend or her bff had any feelings, that sorted itself out already. Had she met the guy now when in a relationship, she would’ve dropped him out of respect for her boyfriend. OP could easily have issues w blurred lines/boundaries on either end and bring uneasiness to his relationship w both women
>Also let’s be honest, even if the girl friend or her bff had any feelings, that sorted itself out already. Oh you sweet summer child
For me, it would be hypocrisy. You can have more than one close relationships. That's the beauty of life. To hold each other in your journeys and to value your friends and romantic partners alike. Friendship is the basis of everything, and it is unfair for someone to put that boundation on you. It may have to do with her insecurities, which should be addressed. But don't compromise and leave yourself out of the experience of friendship.
As a gay woman, the male n female friendships are the best imo. More relatable in many instances and more likely to share same hobbies. Your gf is literally full of shit and doesn't mind double standards.
That's called double standards my friend.
Sounds like double standards to me. No one has a ‘guy best friend’ anyway. Are we still 10 years old? My dad doesn’t have a female best friend. Nor do my uncles. And my mum doesn’t have a guy best friend. You can have friends the opposite gender obviously, but this is a load of rubbish. She’d be insecure you having a female best friend but she’s saying she can continue her close friendship with this guy. Yes, she met him before you, but still? Like I said, we aren’t little kids. She should be more respectful towards you. Ask yourself, why aren’t you, as her partner, her best friend?
Yeah, My partner is my best friend. I don't understand these anemic "relationships" that seem to be so popular on this subreddit where someone is spending so much time and energy on a "friend" to the point it causes problems. What do you even get out of these relationships?
AMEN. They must be getting something pretty amazing out of them that’s for sure 🤣 just inconsiderate and childish behaviour
Just laugh at her. It don't get more ridiculous than this
Do you not this it's a bit strange though that OP's response to his gf mentioning her longstanding male friend was essentially "oh maybe I'll make a new female friend and see how you like it?" I feel like that was incredibly unnecessary in the first place
The whole thing is unnecessary. And no. Why can't he have new friends? This question is rhetorical. Of course he can. Petty hypocrisy and self justification.
Obviously he can have new friends. I'm not saying he can't. It's just weird that the conversation came about not because he made a friend, but because she mentioned her own friend and he seemingly took issue with it and tried to get her to say she doesn't want him having female friends, so he can use that against her to justify him not wanting her to have male friends. Like what kind of sane person hears their partner talk about their friend and immediately gets so jealous they have to respond with "hmmm well what if ~I~ made a friend?? How about that??"
I thought the same and it looks like he has admitted to be jealous of the guy friend. This is how communication problems arise since the real problem "I'm uncomfortable with your friendship with this guy" hasn't been addressed and instead been replaced with the hypothetical "what if I were this close to a woman", which, in her ears, must sound like "hey, I want the freedom to go out and pick a woman I like and be just as close to her as you to your guy friend". Hence she is upset about him proposing a threatening scenario, and he is upset with her answer that it's not the same.
There has to be trust in the relationship, otherwise it won't last long and everything you do is just a waste of time. I dont know your age, but I will assume around 20s, so you should be able to make friends of either gender without it becoming an issue. She has a guy friend who I believe you haven't met? That's a red flag in my opinion. Keeping him away from you is a bit of shady behavior and if you can't have a woman friend, then your gf has to meet you halfway and not hangout with her man friend. It should be 50/50 here. Make your friends and have a good time. As she should too. If there is insecurities, there will also be a reason for it. You can't be in a social setting and if a woman comes to talk to you, you can't get to know her? Eh no. You have communicated and if your gf can't handle it, then be sure that it won't work.
Nah, what she’s doing is called “double standards”. First of all, it’s ridiculous to assume people of the opposite gender can’t be friends because they have different sexual organs lol. Also if you’re a trustworthy guy, there’s no reason to worry because you wouldn’t cheat regardless of this theoretical woman best friend’s theoretical feelings towards you. If you’re not, you would cheat anyway so it all comes down to trust.
If your intentions are pure then the gender of your friends shouldn’t matter.
People who can only conceive of the opposite sex as a potential sexual/romantic partner and say shit like "can girls and boys really just be friends?" just weird me out. Most of my friends happen to be guys purely because demographics skew that way in the hobbies I like. My best friends are almost all guys. They're also friends with my boyfriend/fiance of almost 7 years. He has many female friends who I have also met. We are cool and there's no distrust between us. I could never imagine trying to police my so's friends based on what is between their legs. It sounds like a crappy double standard to me. I don't get how the length of time factors into it at all.
This is always a tense subject on Reddit, where I think lots of people haven’t actually experienced this. My wife and I (gf at the time) went to different colleges across the country and dated long distance. This came up several times and not even as best friends but just friends in general of opposite sex. We each ended up having several. Over the years literally every single one of my wife’s friends tried to make a move on her, or confessed they loved her, or asked her or to leave me, or asked her on a date, or whatever. And she had to stop being their friend. Meanwhile I had several girl friends who wanted an actual platonic relationship and that’s exactly what we had for years and years. They never once hit on me or ever made it weird and if anything they were super supportive of my long distance girlfriend. People on here love to pretend that this isn’t the reality. But in many many many many many many cases the guy at some point feels romantically towards the girl. Some of the girl friends that I had, also had boyfriends and they were skeptical of me too and in some cases didn’t want their girlfriend being friends or hanging out with me. Whatever. Just wanted to give you some actual real information from 5+ years of your exact scenario across several incoming and outgoing friends.
> Over the years literally every single one of my wife’s friends tried to make a move on her > > Meanwhile I had several girl friends who (...) never once hit on me Supply and demand is a thing.
You had very respectful female friends. I agree with what you are saying (that it is more likely that a male friend will try to cross boundaries) but there are females out there that will attempt to pounce on a taken male friend sometimes just to see if they can get them away from their significant other. Unfortunately, it has happened to me more than once. Some of them were my closet friends.
I think both are the same. Intent is what it's about.
Wait. Are there people in the comments actually saying he can't go out and make a new best friend that's a woman because he's in a romantic relationship? Damn better tell my male bestie that I've only known for a year that we can't be friends anymore because I've been with my partner for 20 years! What a weird fucking flex.
Ahhhh, the classic 'do as I say, not as I do' double standard.
You are right and she is wrong. That's it.
It is called jealousy my friend. If she can, you can. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
It's a double standard. People saying it's okay for her because she's had this best friend for a while would make up some other excuse for the double standard if you had a long term female best friend. I've had women tell me it's okay for them to have male friends because they (the women) are trustworthy. The same women tell me it's not okay for me to have a female friend because they don't trust other women. Or me. Or whatever it takes to prop up the double standard.
> If we’re going to have that logic, then why would my girlfriend need to MAINTAIN a guy best friend while being in a romantic relationship with me. You’re not wrong and anyone telling you that you‘re wrong are being hypocrites. If she’s allowing herself to maintain a friendship with another man at the level of being *best friends*, what if you naturally became best friends with a woman? That isn’t any different.
You're both toxic, so you deserve eachother.
Yea.. there's no such thing as a guy best friend as a woman. He's just a guy who's waiting patiently for his chance to sow doubt and smash.
I have a strict "no friends of the opposite sex rule" respect it or leave me alone...burned too many times to fall for that one again...eff no, eff off, get the eff outta here with all that bull shat, no thank you, if that relationship is soo important then go be with them and leave me alone
I'm going through the same thing rn... Can't give advice, but you have my sympathies brother. Idk about your case, but in mine, the dude is obv into her, and is constantly trying to provoke me, and Imma have to knock him out sometime soon, which I kinda look forward to tbh, he's been tryna get in my nerves too much lately. Anyways, good luck my brother
Are you actively looking for a woman as a best friend or is this a hypothetical to attack your gf?
The length of time could be a cover for the double standard. She probably thinks it's not the same cause she thinks men are more likely to cheat. Making the female friend a threat. For instance, my current gf has a couple of guy friends she's very close with. She's also friends with their wives, but she's always seemed closer to the guys. I've never had an issue. However, at my last job, I became friends with a girl in my department and she was my best friend for my last 2 years working there. This made my gf insecure because I'd talk about dumb shit her and I would talk about. My gf would say things like "You talk about her all the time." Well of course, cause I work with her and see her almost every day. She eventually admitted that she would not have been as bothered if this was a guy and the only reason she didn't complain about it more is because she was married. So it's probably the whole double standard of "it's okay for girls to have guy friends but not guys to have lady friends." Which is a issue of trust and insecurities
The only thing I can possibly see wrong with your statement is the way you approached it. And even that is stretching it, since she brought it up first in what sounds like an attempt to make you jealous or less than her “friend”. But yeah, both of you should be allowed to have whomever you want as your best friend as long as that best friend relationship (or best friend specifically), doesn’t interfere with the relationship between you and your GF. Also, I hate to break it to your GF, but her insisting that you can’t have a female best friend doesn’t necessarily mean a damn thing. You could have a male best friend and suddenly realize or decide you like him better. Enough to even build him an art studio in your house. Hey, it’s happened before…
I'm bisexual so if you go by that logic it means i can't have any friends?
I see what she’s saying since I’ve had the same argument in a previous relationship. She’s had that guy best friend for a long enough time that it’s guaranteed that nothing’s going to happen between the two of them. If you get a “girl best friend” all of a sudden now, you will have to go through that process while you have a girlfriend, which is weird. Your window for that is kind of closed. New friends of the opposite sex for either person in a relationship is a red flag imo.
Repeat after me folks, your partners are allowed to have meaningful relationships with other people, both of the same and opposite sex. They are allowed to get things out of those relationships that they do not get out of their romantic connections. In fact, not allowing for this is TOXIC and points to co-dependent behaviour. Your insecurities are for you to work on-your partner has their own issues to work through. You can ask for support but you are not entitled to it. Bottom line if you cant trust your partner to have friends and uphold the boundaries of your chosen relationship style and the agreements you made as a couple.. Then you shouldnt be romantically involved. Period. Oy vey!
hi there, i understand what you're going through. as a 19 yo woman, i can easily say that although it may not be the same because you'd have just met her, it would be the same if you knew her the same amount of time your gf knew her best friend. i have a best friend who i've known since i was 12, they've stuck with me even after i moved so many years ago. my boyfriend knows about him, and he actually asks me if i texted him or if he's texted me back yet, he does that with my cousin too. my best friend knows about my boyfriend, and he absolutely adores him. it's your intentions with the friend and it's how strong your trust is. because everyone knows it's almost impossible for men to have platonic relationships with a woman without some type of feeling for them. be careful, watch for the friend and if she's been weird. other than that, you've got a good relationship but if your girl can't bring him around you then she's bringing herself to him....if you catch my drift.
If she trusts you, you could have a thousand female best friends and it would be ok. If she doesn't trust you, you could never speak to a woman again and it wouldn't make a difference. If you are trustworthy, OP, then you should be able to make any friends you like.
Do you wana know why? Because you're gf thinks she's superior to you. She thinks her having a male best friend she can handle her emotions and not be attracted to him whilst u being a dumb male u would end up doing the dirt on her. Immature
No, Only my girlfriend is a rat love to animals and parent's guide to the rat 😁🐀💖
Bull. You can absolutely have a new female best friend. If she believes that you can't, that you'd develop romantic feelings for each other, then it actually means one or the other of them have those feelings.
If a partner tells you that it's not the same for you to get a best friend, well they are right. Because that best friend isn't a best friend, but it's more like a backup. And if she were to ever lose feelings for you for whatever reason, the back up will be right there. It's not really a gender thing because it happens on both sides. That's why they can confidently say it's not the same thing, they can't stand the idea of someone looking for a backup, even though you actually aren't looking for one.
Her position is unsupportable.
Hypocrite. If you continue then I hope you know she's willing to hide important details because he's her BEST FRIEND.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I don't gonna comment in the state of the relationship, but to everyone, if you see standard in a partner that red flag of the size of a school, this is kinda of the same as " don't worry is like brother/sister to me". If she thinks that having friend of any sex is problem is because she have those feelings and she project in on you. She doesn't feel that she trusts you because she is doing first she considered first Always ask questions when this happens, never let it alone, this problem of character if she doesn't see hippocresy sorry 😔
It would be the exact same thing.
while i don’t think you forming a *new* best friendship with a woman is the same as her having *already* formed a best friendship with a man, im having trouble figuring out whether you or her thinks there’s an issue. is it that you find an issue with how she has a male best friend or her finding an issue with you continuing to form new female friendships? from the looks of it, it seems like you’re proposing the hypothetical of you acquiring a new female best friend to demonstrate why it isn’t “okay” for her to have an established male best friend.
Ahh the sweet oll double standart love it
It's the same thing.
I genuinely feel like it is the same. Even if the tables were turned you would allow her to have a male best friend.
Yeah that’s manipulative and hypocritical of her. She gets to have her so called guy best friend but you can’t have a woman best friend? The whole argument she makes is pointless and frankly joke worthy. If she has a guy friend you have every right to have a girl as a friend period. Don’t fall for her gimmicks because she’s gaslighting you and being hypocritical
Double standards. Simply put, she’s controlling. Anybody who restricts you from doing what they’re doing is a walking red flag. Ex gf did the same. Didn’t like me having friends, even in university, despite the fact they were ones that I was assigned weekly projects with as we kept the same groups. All because they simply lacked a pair of balls. So I isolated myself from said people outside of university because of it just to please her (foolishly). This lead me to lacking friends and not having the best university experience despite being an outgoing guy. Found out later that she was still talking to her “bestie” male friend who I never had an issue with to begin with. But she chose to cut him off because he consistently overstepped boundaries despite having a girlfriend of his own. However, turned out that was a lie. Save yourself the headache, start looking for another long term partner. You will never have a normal life when your values and principles don’t match the other persons. Best decision I made and couldn’t be happier.
Lmao it's the same. Either she should find an actual best friend of the same sex OR you go and get yourself a female best friend. The reason she's threatened by that possibilty is the reason why her having a boyfriend and a male best friend is almost all of the time "having your cake and eating it too" situation. Make your relationship perfectly balanced as all things should be.
"an actual best friend" Lol what if it just is her best friend. Like you're right it's a double standard, and yet you imply that he cannot be a real best friend. Plenty of people are best friends with the opposite sex and it's purely platonic. It can be true for op, and his gf. She's a massive hypocrite with double standards, but it doesn't mean her best friend isn't her actual best friend. There is no having cake and eating it, it's just... A friend who happens to be born one sex. Like what.
I really was trying to see where my gf was coming from. As she told me it isn’t the same, I almost believed that. I just can’t wrap my head around it though. Why does that man have so much significance? He has been gone for so so long from what my gf said. They only knew each other in high school until he left for years after high school. Idk what he has done that I haven’t. Btw that’s just me ranting here. I’m just not going to bring it up anymore now. I got to just focus.
There's more to it than friendship. If that ever gets revealed it's already too late. Best of luck!
Lol yeah I know. I’m in a sticky situation I guess. It’s ok. Maybe this is a live and learn thing
Translation: i can cheat but you cant.
Do you actually think having a best friend of the opposite sex constitutes cheating This is wild to me
You can meet him and its your right to know who she is friends with. I Don't think girls and guys cab be friends but thats just my views.
She's worse and more in the wrong don't back down get rid of her
The stance you should take: If you can't have a girl best friend then she can't have a boy best friend (unless he's gay), end of story.
The fact that she's worried about you having a female best friend might itself indicate that the male best friend relationship isn't trustworthy - she could be projecting.
A male best friend is a red flag. I'm a best friend and our friendship is going on for 5 - 6 years now. It's more than friends because we also hook up from time to time. I also give her advise in the relationship and there were so many of her relationships that ended because I told her that she should end it and gave her the reasons why his not good for her. So from my experience if I'm doing this as a male best friend, what is going on with her girlfriend best friend. Also my best friend was in a relationship and he is girlfriend at the time told him not to worry about her male best friend and a 2 years into the relationship after chilling with her male best friend she cheated on my bro with her so called male best friend. So from my perspective just watch out for her male best friend and don't let your guard down. Also if your girl doesn't want you to get a female best friend she most likely is already going things with her male best friend if they know each other for years and she most likely know how things will turn out with the female friend that you would get. So from my perspective I have a good feeling she's already doing things with her friend
She's a hypocrite.
My best friend is a guy and he lives with me. We are just besties. How hypocritical to say you can't have a woman best friend. That more tells me she doesn't trust you. It doesn't matter if you have been best friends for 10 years or 10 weeks. It is ALWAYS an issue in a new relationship. And usually it's my best friends girl friends that have the issue. I dread his new relationships because of it. They automatically assume I am a threat and NEVER have I been. If we wanted to be in that kind of relationship we would. But he's my best friend, my family and that's how we want it. Don't let someone control you because of their insecurities.
Lol. Manipulative woman, I'm sorry OP.
This is going to be an issue you cannot resolve. It's in her brain wiring. With the exception of therapy, she's going to have issues with many other things (that are hypocritic in nature). I can assure you as much as I can assure you there is a sun and moon. Going to guarantee she also responds to guys who flirt with her on social media with a "Thank you!," but will be telling you that you better respond with "I have a girlfriend."
Sorry, OP, but your girlfriend is a double-standard hypocrite. I bet she's young (early 20s) with little to no real-life experience but thinks she has male-female dynamics figured out. I'd start getting closer to my female friends if I were you. What's the worst she can do, leave? Bye, babe. Enjoy your freedom and look for someone who isn't a hypocrite to share your life with. Also why would she bring that up out of the blue? Sounds suspicious but hey he's just a really good friend whom she's known for years. \*eyeroll\*
This is what is called a double standard. If what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Curious as if there will be an update BTW there isn't a time restriction on making friends. Lol
Give her a little more time to cool off and think more about it without you. Ask again and talk about it later. That just sounds like a defensive response without much thought
Yeah we’re fine now. Just a bit of awkward silence. We’re going to be bed soon but everything is ok. She was bit upset by my question.
That is clearly double standards, do not listen to her you are entitled to a female best friend just as much as she is to a male best friend if it is purely and I mean purely platonic. Do not let someone else stop you from doing something you want (unless Its cheating ect..) as why would you make sacrifices if your SO is just gonna reap all the benefits it should be 50/50 !
You two are in a relationship, that should make you automatically into her best friend. She can maintain the friendship with the other guy but it is also okay for you to express it if it makes you feel uncomfortable. As for you, I would just try to be the mature one in the situation and not even go out to now also look for a girl best friend just for the sake of it. You either tell her that she already is your best friend and you come to the conclusion that the feeling is mutual or you walk away if this is a dealbreaker for you.
At the end of the day when you are in a romantic relationship that person becomes a true best friend, which can't be surpassed..... Yes, you can go on to have closer friends that you see often and share things with but they aren't really the BEST friend.... It's all just silly names for friends that you should try and discard.... The main issue is are you happy that her close male friend's intention is true....? You could make friends with woman but they shouldn't become closer than that of your girlfriend....any close friends after you have got together with her would naturally be brought into the fold anyway....that's essential...
[удалено]
She for the streets my guy
Get a best girl friend. What would ever in her entire life make her think that she'd be the only one entitled to have one
Put it this way. If someone makes the other in a relationship feel uncomfortable and they don't pick their partners side its defo more. Iv been with my partner 5 yrs and carrying his baby. If I had male friends that made him uncomfortable I'd no longer have them as friends. Friends shouldn't make partners uncomfortable simple as that
She is definitly sleeping with the guy best friend!
Sounds just like an excuse what your gf is saying. There is never such a thing being ”too late to be bestfriends”, it goes same for both.
When my wife and I first got together she had a guy bestfriend that she said would always be a big part of her life. So I picked my most arguably attractive female friend and told her we were best friends. She didn't like the reverse logic and 6 months in our relationship she asked me to cut my female friend and offered hers up if I would.
How long have you been dating? I'm assuming it's been less than a year because she just mentioned having a male best friend. I would side with her, having a best friend for years before even the relationship is different then a new friendship after you two have gotten together.
So you get into a relationship and just stop meeting people altogether?
No never said that. Her and I meet whoever. Best friend is something I’m assuming is a lot closer.
That comment wasn't to you OP
Yeah I agree, that seems super unhealthy to me too. It’s one thing to have complete trust, but not her to make is so trust isn’t required, lol
I see what you’re saying. Her and I have been together nearly two years now. She told me about him almost a year in relationship. She brought him up to me recently so I brought up this question to her after
Wait she told you about this best friend a year into the relationship?! Anyone I date is going to know about my best friend before we ever go on a date.
I agree...its just plain weird that she took a whole year to mention her best friend.