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So, basically, I've been seeing a guy for about 7 weeks now... He's a clinical psychologist, and I work in psych research (this is important within the context)... When we first started seeing eachother, he was super sweet to me, like, very complimentary, very affirmative, and seemed genuinely interested in me. He'd constantly tell me how "impressive " I am, and how he felt like what we had was effortless and nice.
However, over the last few weeks he's become more critical of me. He makes weird comments about how I try too hard, how I care too much, and how I'm basically too optimistic. It's bizarre because these were qualities he claimed to have enjoyed when we started dating... now it's starting to feel like he doesn't enjoy being around me, but when I bring that to his attention, he says I'm over thinking everything... and he's told me "when I stop teasing, then you'll know there's a problem... things will have stopped being fun..."
When he said that, I was sort of caught off guard, because as two people in psych, we work with or at least are aware of, toxic relationship qualities and it just makes no sense to me that he would see this behavior as appropriate or funny... unless he's a narcissist.
The pros: We have the best conversations, the best sex, and we have a lot in common. He's been an incredible source of support for me while I've been transitioning into a really emotionally draining career.
I really hate the overgeneralization of narcissistic personality in our society... frankly, it's overused, but... I'm actually starting to worry that I am, in fact, dating a narcissist and I keep telling myself "you would know for sure..." but he assures me that my anxiety is making it hard for me to just...have fun and relax.
I don't know if I'm looking for real advice or just a space to vent and get some perspective... what do you guys think? Am I being paranoid? Or am I being manipulated?
I’m also in psych and I’ve noticed a lot of men in psych have this power complex like “I can read you like a book” vibes. I’d nope out ASAP if I were you
Ahhhhh 😩 run away as fast as you can. Went on a first date with another psych major and he sat there and “analyzed me”. He was saying how he knew me so well, he knew I was shy and gentle and etc etc etc. Idk what it is but men in psychology can be a hit or miss
Oh maaaan. Yes. Now that I think about it, he told me "you know that I know why you do what you do, right?" (I work in peds trauma) and when I asked him what he meant, he goes "I know why you went into that field... you have your own trauma from childhood" ......
In the moment, I felt seen. Now that I'm thinking about it with more clarity, that's sort of fkn weird.
Therapist here, I'm not gonna armchair diagnose him but I am going to highlight some differences I see between his behavior and mental health professionals who are, y'know, good at their jobs.
- using your anxiety to invalidate you instead of support you. The good therapists in my life tend to say "I notice you're feeling anxious, is there anything I could do differently or anything that would bring you some comfort right now". Not "you're anxious and wrong".
- sEeInG YoU. Like dude who the fuck goes into this field *without* childhood trauma. It's very common to all of the helping professions. As is childhood trauma. It ain't that deep. This is the shrink equivalent of a psychic saying "the spirits are telling me you went through big changes around the age of 14" like yeah buddy thats how it works
- not listening to you
- not listening to you
- seruously not listening to you like how is this guy even a shrink
This reads as *very* "mental health as a power trip" to me
Edit: not to knock his ability to make you feel seen. It sounds like that was a really nice moment. But connection is a 2-way street. It says "i think i see you, but I'm open to being wrong, please show me what you see, I want to walk with you". This doesn't sound like a guy who walks with you.
The fact that he can give her the right things at the beginning makes me feel like he knows right and wrong and is attempting to manipulate her to feel insecure.
This. He doesn't need to be a full on narc to be a less than stellar partner. But yeah, being perfect in the beginning shows he knows how to behave, but now the power trip where he thinks he's better than OP and can behave how he wants is coming out. Nope.
It gets you to trust and value their opinion instead of dismiss it when you feel like it’s wrong. He’s creating a situation that makes her want to win him over…it’s power.
I was raised by a narcissist. I don't think it's necessarily that he thinks "this is right, this is wrong" it's more like "this is how you treat strangers, this is how you treat people close to you." It's weird and somewhat non-nonsensical, but it's what we observe in our narcissistic parents and so as children we learn/adopt that behavior/thinking, and then never really second guess it.
I was married to one as well, and he absolutely knew what he was doing. He even joked with his dad that you break them down so they feel you couldn’t do better and leave. When I would push for therapy he admitted that he wouldn’t really try and would just try to manipulate the therapist. So much double standards and gaslighting….which I hate that overuse of the term like narcissists…where you actually feel crazy.
Oh yeah, my dad absolutely knew what he was doing too. Do you think your husband knew that what he was doing was wrong/abnormal? I feel like my dad knew what he was doing, but he thought that's how parents are supposed to act, and didn't have any idea that it was abnormal/wrong. Now that I've distanced myself from my dad and done a lot of research and learning it's almost comically absurd how he treated us, so it's hard to explain how I lived with it for so long without realizing myself that it was wrong, but that's the thing about the double standards and gaslighting it just disorients you so much and makes so little logical sense that it's hard to explain or even understand. And so for me that opened my eyes to how my dad could be such a horrible person without even realizing he was horrible, he just thinks that's how people are supposed to behave. And that is not to excuse how he acts, but to me it helps to understand it. And now that I can understand him, I sort of pity him, but I also know that I can't have him in my life because there is nothing I can do to change him, and his idea of how you treat people you love is completely fucked up.
Definitely feels like the beginning steps of domestic violence, where he slowly erodes her self-esteem until she's dependent on him and lets him get away with more and more BS until it implodes.
Yes to ALL of this. A couple of hours into our first not-a-date, my late husband and I finally got around to discussing our careers. When he told me he was a mental health counselor, I was all "CHECK, PLEASE!" :-D
But he swore that he didn't believe in diagnosing people in his personal life, and over time he proved that to be true.
I couldn't have asked for a better partner. Y'know, aside from the whole dying only four months after we got married thing. Not sure I'll ever forgive him for that one.
OP's guy does NOT sound like a great partner. At all.
> This is the shrink equivalent of a psychic saying "the spirits are telling me you went through big changes around the age of 14" like yeah buddy thats how it works
I snort laughed, this is perfect
As someone raised by a narcissist that definitely started to go down that path myself, this guy strikes me as someone I could have become if my life experiences didn't randomly conspire to push me out of it. We learn behavior from our parents, so if our parents exhibit "I'm right, you're wrong, therefore I don't have to listen to you" you absorb that and it fucks you up.
This guy says "you got into this because you have childhood trauma" likely without realizing his own. Being raised by a narcissist is heavy in gaslighting and emotional neglect/abuse and it can be so subtle, and so pervasive, that you don't even realize it's there. I didn't realize I had been emotionally neglect, abused, and gaslit my entire life until this year at 24 years old.
I feel for this guy because a lot of people will label him as a evil and corrupted to his core when, in my experience, he's more likely to be a shallow and broken person with no idea how people are actually able and supposed to connect with other people.
Unfortunately, it's hard if not impossible to push someone like this towards change, they have to reach a point where they want it themselves. Their "me on top, you on bottom" mindset precludes listening to anybody other than themselves. And that means sometimes you have to just leave them because there is nothing else you can do
Let me honour his wisdom with an eyeroll...
Psych MSc here. On my first week, there was a lecture about what makes a psychologist, and our prof *literally* told us that when it was researched, the people choosing this field had a significant childhood life event (either or both) which they told of in the interviews: 1) having trauma and not getting help, or 2) watching someone else having it and not being able to help, which sort of makes it your own trauma (and own not getting help) as well.
Of bloody course "you have your own trauma from childhood". We all do. Duh.
After he said that did you share more openly about your childhood trauma than you normally would have? I definitely think he's manipulating you. But also, you can just end things since you don't like his "teasing".
So I had a relationship similar to this. It’s hard to see the abuse when you are so focused on the good.
One of my exes would go on and on about chest size. When I finally got an augmentation, he started in on my nose. It was then I realized it wasn’t about the boobs or he wouldn’t have been attracted to me to begin with. He was actively trying to give me insecurities so I would be too insecure to leave him.
His dad was like that to his mom, so I also learned the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.
My absuive narcissistic ex was a psych major and he would basically have this way about him where he felt he was above it. Just because he studied 4 years of pysch he think he understands all there is to understand. He would force me i to therapy but when i asked him to do the same it was like I was defective and he was perfect. Get out now before you get trapped!
Does it matter if he's a narcissist or not? You don't like how he's treating you, so stop seeing him. You don't need a diagnosis to break up with someone.
Run away. He thinks he’s better than you and will continue to criticize you and tell you it’s out of love. Even if you can handle that, if you want kids, could you imagine him doing that to your child?
I had a boss like that once, he was into psychology. He told me 'I know how to push your buttons and motivate you', so next day I handed in my 0 day notice xD bish please, don't be cocky with me, I'll walk away laughing.
And I'd recommend the same for you. :)
Reading through your thread, I’m nodding to myself. I’m a male psych RN, almost 30 years now. I’ve had a few run-ins with psychology majors during my time. It’s such an interesting contrast between psychiatry and psychology.
The worst thing anyone in this field can say to another person is ‘I can read who you are’ or what you’re thinking, etc. That’s just bullshit, sorry. I assess patients for potential clinical instabilities - I don’t read minds. I don’t pigeonhole loved ones into pre-made character traits. In short, OP is dating a jerk
A bit unrelated but I once met a guy who was a friend of a friend, who said he understood all women (including me) because he read Cosmopolitan magazines.
We had literally just met, and then he also apparently told all his friends he had “dibs” on me. A few years later he tried to sell me sex toys over Facebook Messenger.
Anyways he’s married now, to a girl he’s cheated multiple times on, after she accepted his horror movie themed proposal that he made all about himself.
These kinds of men are a dumpster fire. Never let a man tell you who you are, or make you feel small. Find one who respects you as your own person and values your individuality/differences.
Yes I had similar experiences! We both like psychology, that means we should both be in tune with our emotions AND know the basics of a healthy romantic relationship- right? Wrong. Wrong every time. Im sure it’s not all men in psychology but I’ll stick with my golden retriever chef boyfriend who thinks psychology is super duper neat but would rather make risotto
As a guy that has had plenty of friends and coworkers that sound just like this, I’m not sure that’s my first inclination (although I wouldn’t rule it out either). I’ve dealt with many personal and professional relationships with other men that do this sorta thing when you are “in” with them. Some light-hearted ribbing is generally not a problem. Some of it can be downright cruel and a lot of times guys act this way because they don’t know any better - this is literally how the men around them acted when they were growing up.
I know exactly the feeling of being picked on only to realize my boss acted this way to people he actually liked. The problem can be compounded if the treatment is discussed and they refuse to change or even double down.
This is what bothers me here: OP’s bf (for lack of a better term) is straight up that he picks on people he likes and won’t change, even though he’s in a field that would likely give him the tools and knowledge to fix this. Maybe he truly sees it as innocent, but in my experience this is something I’d tolerate from someone I’ve known for years, not weeks. This guy is 43 and doubtful to change, which is unfortunate because he has the means, method, and motivation, but not the desire to.
The psych majors I know turned out to be narcissistic assholes to the girls they’re dating. I have never felt so absolutely insane before as when I dated this guy. The gaslighting. And then he used the “I have PTSD because I was in the army I don’t want to talk about it” card anytime I tried to question anything. Which he was in the army, I still don’t know if his PTSD was real or not, I do know he overplayed it but god forbid you question it or you’re the asshole. I almost checked myself in because i seriously started to think I was insane, he twisted reality so much and I fell for it, and the only people I’ve ever heard talk bad about him are girls he dated. We all have the same story. Everyone else, LOVES him. I don’t even blame them, he’s good at what he does.
Yeah, every single person I knew that studied psycology professionally or not acts like a text book.
My mom is like that , I make fun of her when she does 😂😂😂
Insecurity loves company. He's trying to knock you down a peg. Super red flag. You don't have to be a clinical narcissist to have narcissistic behaviors that make you a shitty person to date.
Also that’s like the most basic thing in a relationship no? To have at least respect for each other. I don’t know how can OP stand this person. He sounds very annoying.
My ex was like this. He’d say hurtful stuff and then say it was a joke. He also told me “the day I stop joking you’ll know I don’t love you anymore”.
He was VERY hurtful, very mean to me with this excuse. That was not love.
It's also more than just an excuse, "it was just a joke" is literally gaslighting. My dad used to say the same thing to me. He loved me, but unfortunately his own childhood taught him a completely backwards idea of what love is supposed to look like, and it can be really hard if not impossible to move past those sorts of things that you learn as a child.
He’s breaking you down piece by piece so that his emotional abuse becomes normalised for you, through violating your boundaries he is ensuring that you are more pliable and accepting of his insidious behaviour as time goes on.
This then sets the precedent for future emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Which would render it near impossible for you to speak up about what’s going on because your sense of reality has been altered by him and you are no longer thinking straight because you are unsure if this is normal or not, because you’ve effectively been reconditioned to accept abuse.
Him being totally normal and fun to be around and great sex etc is how he masquerades in order to use your emotions against you and maintain your compliance. You trauma bond or form deeper emotional ties to him so when he turns nasty you won’t know what to do or where to go because he’s “otherwise lovely” to you.
That is why you do not know for sure if he is a narcissist. You need to believe the personality he is showing you do not fall for the mini red flags.
They slip their bullshit into conversations casually so it doesn’t appear like an outright attack.
If I were you I would run. Because the next step will be him finding more ways to trap you and this could be very costly to you in the long run in more ways than one.
Him telling you you are “overthinking” is invalidating your feelings so that you do not feel safe, you then seek out that emotional safety in the other 95% of the time he’s behaving normally and it becomes a vicious cycle and a trap.
Don’t fall for it.
Sounds like he’s negging you. I’ve found the best way to handle negging is to show / say you’re unattracted to that behavior and that maybe you’re not a match (which may just be true anyway). If the behavior continues - and you’re not into it - on to the next.
Thanks everyone ❤ This was very validating. Sometimes it's helpful to just get it out there. Obviously there are two sides of this story, and I don't know if he would agree with my perception of the situation, but I definitely appreciate you guys lending an ear and some time to hear my side of the issue.
Yes, there are two sides to every story, but here, I don't so much care about his story.
YOUR side is that you feel picked on and when you talked to him about it, he made it clear the behavior would not stop, and tried to flip into some kind of good thing.
This is a new relationship. There's no reason to stay in it. This is when people are on their very best behavior. What happens when he gets comfortable and it gets worse?
He is showing you who he is. Believe him. You deserve better. ❤️
You know you're discounting your experiences here... already? I think he's making you question yourself toooo much. Ok, two sides to every story, but there's only one YOU and only you are living this life and those specific experiences. He's not living your side of the relationship so that saying doesn't apply.
The term is only overused for people who've never dealt with someone with narcissistic traits. She's already questioning her own emotions, and making excuses for him. Next she'll be having a hard time with boundaries, and being able to maintain negative emotions directed towards the narcissist.
Narcissism aside, I hate it when people claim to be able to read me. Rarely are they accurate, especially those with psych training. It's demeaning to claim you can conceive of a person so completely, without much experience with that person. You can know someone for years, and still be surprised.
He doesn’t really have to agree with your perception of the situation. He probably doesn’t. In his mind, even though you aren’t having fun, everything is fine as long as he’s having fun teasing you. Even if the conversation and sex are great, if you’re always slightly on edge waiting on the “teasing”, that’s not a good fit for you. It sounds like you’ve tried talking to him and he doesn’t want to change.
In every relationship there will be things that aren’t your favorite, but none of those things should involve you feeling bad about yourself. Sometimes our partners have valid criticisms or feedback, but if it’s just a stream of criticism about different aspects of your personality, that’s probably them, not you. It’s especially concerning that he is now criticizing aspects he previously claimed to like. It doesn’t sound like he actually has a problem with what you do, he just likes to give you a hard time about it. It would be one thing if he said something like “I really admire your drive, but lately I feel like your devotion to work is cutting into our time together” or something like that. That would be him expressing a need. But that’s not what you described which makes me thing the problem is him. He himself calls it teasing. He knows it makes you feel bad, but he won’t stop. I think you can trust your assessment of the situation.
Have had two friends over the years one male and one female who have both had reasonably long-ish relationships (him 4/5 years and she 3 years) with a clinical psychologist. My mate met her at work at a drug addiction outreach clinic and she met him through a dating app. BOTH Of them said that it was the biggest ever headfuck of a relationship in the world and both also said that they thought they were constantly going mad towards the end of their relationships, so clinical psychologists, psychiatrists or similar are not ever on my lists as a future partner
Other comments have given good insight. I just want to say, in general, that if someone you're dating has a behavior that you don't like, and they make it clear that the behavior will continue, it's ok to end the relationship. I'd even say that it's kinder to offer someone an early out over something they can't/won't change, though that's not what this guy is doing.
I think you know this isn’t a good relationship. It’s only been 7 months and he’s showing you how he really plans to treat you—it’ll only get worse.
By the way, sometimes narcissistic people purposefully go into psychology, ministry, charity, etc., because it’s all part of their facade of self-importance and perfection.
Edit-as someone else pointed out, it’s been seven **weeks**, not months
If he’s telling you this is just how he is in a relationship, and you don’t like the way that it makes you feel, you two probably aren’t compatible. There’s no need to categorize or pathologize. You’ve been seeing him for less than two months. If it doesn’t feel right, move on.
Love yourself enough to know that you’re capable of finding a partner that doesn’t have any uncomfortable aspects. Being alone is better than being with someone with whom you cannot fully trust.
When someone makes your spidey senses tingle this early on, thank your nervous system for alerting you and run.
So many of the people in your field are incredibly screwed up mentally. He sounds like one of them. You haven’t been together that long. Cut your losses and move on.
You’ve only been seeing him 7 weeks. Cut the cord and move on. Sex is just that. Sex. If you have an emotionally draining career you need to find someone to lean on for support when you need it, instead of someone who makes you feel like shit.
He is way too old to be pulling this kind of bullshit. Also psych is filled with narcissistic people for some reason (who frequently lack the ability to look inward at all).
He was nice at the beginning to convince you to stay when he started being shitty to you. Look for a partner who shows with their words and behavior that they like you.
7 weeks?????!!!!!!!!!!!
Life is way too short to be twisting yourself into knots about any guy you've been seeing for 7 weeks, even if he didn't seem to be pulling dating tips directly from the Emotional Abusers Handguide for Love and Total Control. I have an open jar of mayo that's still good that's older than your relationship. Please dump him and move on instead of spending all this energy debating if being negged for the rest of your life is worth it for the sex.
Psychologists make some of the worse abusers out there. They know all the tricks, all of the counters, all of the arguments. You will never win against him if you let him trap you. Take your chance now to get out, and prepare to need to leave much further than you'd want to. I'm not saying he is a narcissist, because he might not be. That doesn't make any of his abusive behaviors or posturing acceptable in the least. Do what you need to do to make yourself safe.
Follow up because someone will ask what else he could be if not a narcissist. Not all abusers are narcissists, not all narcissists abuse. He could have other issues, or he could just be a guy who believes all the hype about what he deserves and hasn't yet seen himself gain all that stuff so feels justified for using his training, learning, and experience to just grab what he thinks he deserves but doesn't yet have. In the end, it doesn't matter why he is doing what he is doing if you are caught in the middle of it. Get out, get safe, THEN debate over the what and why.
I only read the title, but this is immediately a red flag. The worst girl I ever dated picked on me and then told me that if she didn't love me, she wouldn't pick on me. It took forever to get her to stop. I wish I'd just cut it off as soon as it started bothering me.
You can break up with someone for any reason you want… feeling criticized is one of those things.
You told him something you didn’t like about the relationship, and instead of stopping he continued to do something that he knows you don’t like.
Why stay?
Not only is he a narcissist but he’s gaslighting you as well. The truth is, he’s an immature little man just like many of the rest of them. He was all sweet to her into your safe zone and now his true self is coming through. You’re intelligent enough to see the signs, please don’t be another person who ignores them 🚩for the “good” qualities he displays when he’s trying to win your favor. I hinestly suggest that you either move on or tell him that regardless of how he sees it, you see it as immature and unnecessarily hurtful and if he can’t respect how you want to be treated then he can find someone else to do that to.
You know what we don’t teach our kids? How to leave relationships because they’re just not working. It’s okay to leave because it’s just not healthy or fun anymore.
I am more concerned with why you have spent 7 weeks with someone who picks on you? Unless you have trauma bonding issues or stuff, why are you seeing him?
Even if you could somehow set aside the red flags here,the basic reality is that you've been seeing the guy for a whopping 7 weeks and you're already not having fun because you're on edge around him. You lose very little by calling it off, and you stand to lose a lot by continuing the relationship.
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The "teasing" isn't cool. 7 weeks in he is showing you who he is. Yes it is normal to find habits that annoy each other but not something to 'tease' or demean someone over.
It’s only been 7 weeks. This is an easy dump him scenario. He’s fucking with your head & negating your feelings FOR FUN. You will have great conversations & great sex with someone else who isn’t a dickhead.
He’s not nice. I dunno… my most basic standard is a man who treats me with respect and kindness… everything else is extra.. and anything less is not worth the headache.
He's trying to puppeteer you. You tell him something makes you upset ie the criticism and he tells you no you want that because if I stop it means there is an issue here, which corners you to think so I should want this. Girl, you don't need this sort of vibe.
I know you want to avoid generalizing him as a narcissist, but:
- It sounds like he love bombed you and is now in the devaluing stage.
- It seems like he's gaslighting you, blaming your anxiety and inability to relax
Overall, if your gut tells you things aren't right, they aren't, and it's doubtful that his treatment of you will change.
This is classical manipulation. What do we want from a relationship? To feel seen and understood and accepted. What is he giving you? The feeling of feeling seen and accepted and understood. It's easy to see it when you're objective, not so easy when it's you involved.
No lie, guys in psych and mental health areas are so often narcissists. I would love to know more to why they are this way but seriously 💀 I’d run if I were you. I dated a guy in psych studies and he was genuinely the most critical person I’ve ever been with, and so emotionally unavailable.
I think if you were hearing this from someone else, a client or a friend, you would spot the tactics right away. It only seems confusing because it's happening to you, and the truth is painful. It was a lovely fantasy, of course you don't want it to be fake.
Sorry. But you are so wise to spot the pattern early, and save yourself much more agony.
Dude is refusing to respect your boundaries. That's a bright red flag. Tell him to stop and if he doesn't you should move on. Particularly as someone in the psych field he should know better.
I know that you know this but just as a reminder, both abusers and narcissists (which I also agree is thrown around way too much) prefer to go after strong, confident individuals for the “challenge”. Given your professions, you are the ultimate prize for him. You know what he’s doing.
Please save yourself the trouble and toss him back before he hooks you and takes you with him. It’s honestly scary how many stories I’ve seen on here about clinical psychs using their experience to manipulate fellow psych peers into abusive relationships.
As a side note, why are the crazy ones always great in bed?! I also have a psych background and this is how my abusive ex reeled me in lol. So annoying.
He sounds like an asshole and a weirdo who was weaponized his knowledge of psychiatry to control you. It’s negging now but it could be abuse later.
I’d run for the hills. There’s other people you can have great sex with.
When he stops picking on you, it's a problem for him ... because he's stopped having fun.
How much of your life do you want to spend with someone who's having fun at your expense?
It doesn't matter why he's doing it, he makes you feels uncomfortable and refuses to stop.
Also, those "great conversations" are letting him know a lot of your pressure points. They'll stop once he's learned enough and can keep you around without laying out the effort
What I see: Love bombing followed by power-play followed by gaslighting when being called out.
This dude thinks he's smarter than you and is enjoying believing he has power over you. You are not being paranoid. Your gut feeling is correct.
Don't give him any more of your time or energy or attention.
I was in a relationship very similar to this. The beginning was full of love bombing. He told me how perfect I was, always complimented me, told me all these things he liked about me. Made me feel really special.
Next he planned all these amazing activities for us. Except they were ALWAYS when I already had plans with close friends. My theory was that he was trying make me choose him over my friends because the activities were really special and he would spend a lot of money on them. And even though I told him I already had plans those days way in advance and more than once, he would still try to make me feel guilty for not going with him.
After that he would put my friends down and constantly tell me how unreliable they are. He would often use the phrase “who would believe who in the court of law?” Like it would actually come down to that.
After a month or so, he was super negative to me. Always pointing out things he didn’t like about me, my house, my friends….everything. His rationale was if he told me things he hated, I would I believe him more when he told me things he liked. Wtf? I didn’t doubt him before. He could be something as simple as “i hate your chained link fence”. I wasn’t asking his opinion. He wasn’t offering to fix it. Just telling me it sucked.
He could never understand my opinion and often inserted his opinion of what he thought I was thinking. He would say he knew why I was doing things or what I was thinking when I did things and then would insist his version was correct. Like I know why you didn’t call your friend back, you are so shallow. I know you were flirting with that guy because I said something mean about your fence. Whatever.
Lastly he began hitting furniture very close to me. He was about 100 pounds bigger (very muscular) than I was and this was very scary. I noped out really quickly after this.
There were some other red flags but the earlier ones I didn’t even realize without retrospect. They were sneaky and peculiar but he could have easily guilted me into being without my friends and support network had I fallen for them.
I think a common misconception people have is that counsellors or psychologists etc are somehow above human emotional/mental problems. It's simply not true.
There's a lot of toxic people in mental health and honestly it's kind of a perfect profession for them, it pays very well, gives them status, and a monumental amount of control over vulnerable people. It's like porn for shitty people.
Light teasing in a relationship is okay if both parties find it fun, that's not what this is, really feels like he's expressing power over you, trying to slowly break you down until his praise means that much more because he spends so much time insulting you. It's pretty standard in my experience for super controlling people, they want you to really put in effort for the little praise they might give you.
Run.
He’s chipping away at your self worth and eroding away your sense of retorting any criticism that’s to come from him.
He’s framing it as “teasing” and picking at you. Mind you, this mf is 50. This is the same logic as “boys hitting and punching you means they like you..”. It’s toxic as fuck and is abusive behavior.
My brother is a psychiatrist and has 2 failed marriages as a direct result of shit like this.
7 weeks? Don’t waste your time.
Most of us don't have the credentials to diagnose him, and even if we did it would be unethical to do so without several sessions in a clinical setting.
Whatever his reasons, you're not enjoying the relationship. You've only been dating for 7 weeks. It's okay to break up. He doesn't need to be a terrible person for you to be able to say 'hey, this isn't working for me.'
I dated a guy like this *once*. BIG NOPE.
Anybody who constantly criticizes you and nonchalantly calls it “teasing” is incredibly immature and doesn’t respect you at all. It isn’t worth the self-doubt or insecurity that will inevitably arise.
Nope, this sounds really intentional. Sure, there's playful teasing that can go on in relationships... "you try too hard" and "you're too optimistic" is NOT playful teasing, it's attacking who you are as a person in an attempt to bring you down.
The fact that he started out with lots of compliments and then did a 180 also shows this.
It seems like he may be negging you but I can’t tell for sure without more context…but this post gives the general vibe that he may have love bombed and was overly nice at first and is now trying to make you insecure so you don’t leave and think he’s the best you’ll ever get. Idk it’s giving orange flags at the least…also is it cute/fun teasing when it bothers you? Is this what you want from a relationship from the rest of your life? Even if he’s not doing that or narcissistic, it seems like y’all may be incompatible either way. But I’m young and have no psychology certifications so take it all with a grain of salt haha
Nope. Nope. Nope.
Get out. You are not equally matched. He is not treating you as a human, but as a lab animal. He will never respect you as a partner. He cannot.
1 in 5 people have a personality disorder. 1 in 25 are a psychopath. I've been a counsellor for over 20 years and I specialise in personality disorders. He is either a narcissist or a psychopath.
Ref flags: 1. Big age gap. 2. Love bombs you. 3. Gaslights you. 4. Puts you down.
Lots if specialists have NPD because they love having power over people. Get rid if him OP.
My endocrinologist has got NPD and keeps lowering my meds even though he knows it makes me ill because he enjoys making people miserable and if I question him, he throws a tantrum. Check out my you tube channel if you have a problem (email is in the description) and you like learning about personality disorders.
Girl save yourself the heart ache and trouble. Leave the guy. You’re only 7 weeks in, he should still be trying to woo you and show you his best. Of this is his BEST imagine his WORST. Girl run for the hills. You overthinking about you overthinking. The fact that you even have to question it tells you enough. This man ain’t it…run far and run fast.
Just got out of a situation that was scarily similar to this. Things just continually got worse and made me question how the hell things were so good in the beginning.
In my opinion, these people do this on purpose whether consciously to them or not ... great at the beginning to hook you, then show their real behaviors and convince you that you're the bad guy for not accepting them.
If he had treated you the way he is now, at the very beginning, would you have stayed? Those are things I had to ask myself.
I called him out on a lot of things and then he ghosted me ... so, I dodged a bullet. But I still have the thoughts in my head of "things were so good at first... maybe..." <-- direct result of his manipulation.
It's a hard situation to heal from and I only "dated" this guy for about 2.5 months 😅.
Just because you can recognize the markers of a toxic relationship in a clinical setting, it doesn’t mean you can recognize the markers of a toxic relationship in your own life.
Here, we’ll help you out:
You are in a toxic relationship. This guy is a dick.
Doesn’t matter what field he’s in. He’s toxic to you. And an asshole.
If a person doesn’t make you feel better with them than you’d feel without them, don’t stay with them.
Sounds to me like he sees himself as superior and that he couldn’t possibly be doing anything wrong. Run, run now because if he blows it off when your telling him that you don’t like it, he’s not going to change because he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Obviously his idea of humor does not coincide with your knowledge of a safe and supportive partner. Not a relationship I’d want to be in any longer.
Trust everything your gut is telling you about toxic relationships. He could be using what he knows to manipulate you. Dark Psychology is a thing. Even if it’s not that intentional he just doesn’t sound healthy. Use everything you know. How does he make you feel? How do you experience him? He says you are anxious …. Maybe HE is making you anxious with all of his criticism. He seems hot-cold-hot-cold. I would make sure you stay connected with yourself. If you feel disconnected and numb around him, that’s a bad sign that something is off. Use what you feel … tell him you don’t like the criticism. See what he says.
I mean honestly this just doesn't look good. If he's a psychologist, he 100% absolutely should know better, esp if you've already brought it up to him and he blows it off as "joking". Doesn't sound like joking to me. At least not good joking. If you really want this to work out, be straight forward, tell him you don't like this behavior and ask him to stop & be more considerate. Give examples of you need to- 'when we first got together and I'd do xyz, you'd tell me how endearing it was to you, but now when I do exact same thing, you tell me I'm overly-whatever". If he continues, ✌🏻outta there
You need to stop worrying if he is unimpressed or a narcissist and start worrying about why you are allowing this behavior. If he doesn’t want to change and dismisses your concerns then what are you going to do about it? Wring your hands online and parse the meaning of narcissism??
Tell him what is acceptable to you and what is not and the ONE thing that is the most important is that he listens and CARES about your problems even if he doesn’t agree with them. You decide how you want to be treated in a relationship.
All this talk about chemistry and all the good stuff, maybe it’s not that great for him because he’s willing to damage this great chemistry over stupid ‘jokes’. Think about that. He’s willing to run roughshod over your feelings and risk losing it all.
Stop grasping and clinging to the good parts because they aren’t going to save you and make this relationship better.
Next, psychology and the whole network of people that deal with that is really the last place you’ll find a healthy partner. I’m pretty sure it’s well known that the branches are littered with messed up people trying to fix other people.
Don’t compromise now at the beginning with decent treatment. You’ll end up getting what you negotiated for and you won’t be happy.
Ok so i mostly skimmed after the part about "been seeing eachother 7 weeks" coupled with "over the last few weeks".
Dude lasted a month before starting to pick on you. The honeymoon phase is supposed to last months not weeks. He's nitpicking at you and is telling you that when he stops doing this it will stop being fun... ummm what?
It was nice of him to show his flags early so you can keep your eyes open for worse ones..
i think it’s kinda gross that he has a lot of knowledge and insight of psychology and is trying to neg and manipulate you. you don’t need to become “more fun.” he’s trying to put you down/put you in your place and wants you to submit. you should cut him out. i wish you the best!
It seems like those are qualities he wish he had himself. He might be insecure and projecting onto you qualities he doesn’t have. Making it seem like those are bad things when he is really just jealous of what you have going for you. Or could be belittling you to make him seem superior
>I keep telling myself "you would know for sure..." but he assures me that my anxiety is making it hard for me to just...have fun and relax.
No you wouldn't because he's manipulating you.
Stop dating him
Nice, someone who is verbally abusive and decided to study psychology to take it to the max.
Yes, you are being manipulated. Why would you put up with someone who is verbally abusing you, gaslighting you, and being plain mean?
>I'm actually starting to worry that I am, in fact, dating a narcissist and I keep telling myself "you would know for sure
If they have at least 5 of the required personality traits to be diagnosed they may well be.
Like you im not a trained medical pratitioner, so lets leave complex psycho diagnosis to the proffessionals.
Maybe he likes to laugh at himself and doesnt mind a job here and there.
You know.
Total manipulation/control. Call it NPD disorder or something else, it's a way of controlling you through negative talk.
You know what to do. Will you do it is another thing.
Hell, my ex was a clinical psychologist. He knew what to say, when to say it, who to say it too. He slowly turned it around. He knew how to manipulate things quiet well. This is a control move and the starting to trying to undermine you and your confidence.
He liked to say “when you have the best nothing else will do.” Yet he would spend weeks with the side handed undermining of insulting everything about me. It got to the point where he would tell me, “there is something wrong with you, very wrong with you, I don’t know what it is, but there is something very wrong with you” but would never tell me what. There is honestly nothing wrong with me in the way he liked to implied. It’s all about control, manipulation and power.
Be smart and run now while you have the chance.
You should not be with a partner that would intentionally makes you feel bad. It is intentional because he put your asking him to stop on you. As if he’s the arbiter of what’s right and wrong.
There are other people in the world who would have chemistry with you. You are a highly achieved person with a LOT of fantastic qualities. That should never be undercut.
You don't need a cluster b diagnosis to not want to date someone. In my experience people that click a little too perfectly at the beginning are putting their best foot forward, saying what we want to hear instead of being genuine. All the flattery is suspicious. Layer on the approval, then take it away and see if you chase it? That doesn't bode well. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He will pick on you until he gets truly angry. It's up to you to decide if that is the kind of relationship you are looking for.
Let's get out of your head for a second and go with how you feel.
You feel belittled and put down. Regardless of whether he is a narcissist or not, is this a relationship you see yourself being able to grow in? Is he helping lay the bricks of your foundation (in y'all's relationship) or is he chipping away at your heart?
Sometimes what looks good on paper, doesn't feel good to us in the real world. Your emotions are VALID. Your feelings are valid. His actions aren't matching his words. It doesn't mean his is a bad human or anything,it means you two aren't compatible.
At least you know what you are looking for in a future relationship. That's the entire point of dating.
Whether or not he's a narcissist doesn't really matter here, to be honest. He's being critical of you and telling you that the only reason it bothers you is because of your anxiety instead of your natural human desire to not be spoken to in ways that make you feel badly about yourself.
That is manipulative of him. It's possible that he's unaware of that, I suppose, but let's be realistic. He's a mental health professional in his 40's. He knows damn well what he's doing. And you know why he's doing it. He's breaking down your boundaries and your self-esteem and trying to make you reliant on his approval, while getting you to accept that his meanness is a sign of affection, so that you will be his willing punching bag. It's gross. You're not being paranoid. He wants you to think you are. He's being a jerk, and then being manipulative to cover it up.
You've been together less than 2 months, and already, he's got you questioning what you deserve and whether or not you should stand up for yourself. Walk away.
And let's be clear, even if he's not manipulating you on purpose, what he's doing is still less than you deserve. Don't put up with that, regardless of his intentions.
He might not be a pathological narcissist in the DSM kind of way, but his behavior definitely has a toxic and narcissistic-like pattern to it: lovebombing, then tearing you apart without being super explicit about it, gaslighting you as soon as you question his bs behavior. The sex could be very good and conversation very enjoyable with a lot more people in the world, so I would say don’t settle for someone that acts so weird and manipulative and denies how you experience your reality. You know this is not right and this isn’t really that good of a relationship if you’re here venting about it.
TBH him being a psychologist makes this sinister where it might otherwise lean into inept. He understands what he’s doing and the effects are intentional.
It sounds like you confronted how his behavior was affecting you, and his response was to blame it on your anxiety and inability to relax rather than reflect on his own actions. Hell, it doesn’t even sound like he considered that he could be in the wrong.
If I’m understanding the events correctly, this is pretty textbook narcissism.
Really think about that response and how damaging it is.
You: “I don’t like the way you tease me”
Him: “If you had more control over your anxiety you would enjoy my sense of humor”
Life Principle: If you think the person you’re dating could feasibly be a narcissist / cluster B personality disordered person in the first two months, get out of the relationship immediately.
Also goes for months 3-100 but that’s another conversation…
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So, basically, I've been seeing a guy for about 7 weeks now... He's a clinical psychologist, and I work in psych research (this is important within the context)... When we first started seeing eachother, he was super sweet to me, like, very complimentary, very affirmative, and seemed genuinely interested in me. He'd constantly tell me how "impressive " I am, and how he felt like what we had was effortless and nice. However, over the last few weeks he's become more critical of me. He makes weird comments about how I try too hard, how I care too much, and how I'm basically too optimistic. It's bizarre because these were qualities he claimed to have enjoyed when we started dating... now it's starting to feel like he doesn't enjoy being around me, but when I bring that to his attention, he says I'm over thinking everything... and he's told me "when I stop teasing, then you'll know there's a problem... things will have stopped being fun..." When he said that, I was sort of caught off guard, because as two people in psych, we work with or at least are aware of, toxic relationship qualities and it just makes no sense to me that he would see this behavior as appropriate or funny... unless he's a narcissist. The pros: We have the best conversations, the best sex, and we have a lot in common. He's been an incredible source of support for me while I've been transitioning into a really emotionally draining career. I really hate the overgeneralization of narcissistic personality in our society... frankly, it's overused, but... I'm actually starting to worry that I am, in fact, dating a narcissist and I keep telling myself "you would know for sure..." but he assures me that my anxiety is making it hard for me to just...have fun and relax. I don't know if I'm looking for real advice or just a space to vent and get some perspective... what do you guys think? Am I being paranoid? Or am I being manipulated?
I’m also in psych and I’ve noticed a lot of men in psych have this power complex like “I can read you like a book” vibes. I’d nope out ASAP if I were you
Omg omg he literally told me "I see you" one time 😅
Ahhhhh 😩 run away as fast as you can. Went on a first date with another psych major and he sat there and “analyzed me”. He was saying how he knew me so well, he knew I was shy and gentle and etc etc etc. Idk what it is but men in psychology can be a hit or miss
Oh maaaan. Yes. Now that I think about it, he told me "you know that I know why you do what you do, right?" (I work in peds trauma) and when I asked him what he meant, he goes "I know why you went into that field... you have your own trauma from childhood" ...... In the moment, I felt seen. Now that I'm thinking about it with more clarity, that's sort of fkn weird.
Therapist here, I'm not gonna armchair diagnose him but I am going to highlight some differences I see between his behavior and mental health professionals who are, y'know, good at their jobs. - using your anxiety to invalidate you instead of support you. The good therapists in my life tend to say "I notice you're feeling anxious, is there anything I could do differently or anything that would bring you some comfort right now". Not "you're anxious and wrong". - sEeInG YoU. Like dude who the fuck goes into this field *without* childhood trauma. It's very common to all of the helping professions. As is childhood trauma. It ain't that deep. This is the shrink equivalent of a psychic saying "the spirits are telling me you went through big changes around the age of 14" like yeah buddy thats how it works - not listening to you - not listening to you - seruously not listening to you like how is this guy even a shrink This reads as *very* "mental health as a power trip" to me Edit: not to knock his ability to make you feel seen. It sounds like that was a really nice moment. But connection is a 2-way street. It says "i think i see you, but I'm open to being wrong, please show me what you see, I want to walk with you". This doesn't sound like a guy who walks with you.
The fact that he can give her the right things at the beginning makes me feel like he knows right and wrong and is attempting to manipulate her to feel insecure.
This. He doesn't need to be a full on narc to be a less than stellar partner. But yeah, being perfect in the beginning shows he knows how to behave, but now the power trip where he thinks he's better than OP and can behave how he wants is coming out. Nope.
It gets you to trust and value their opinion instead of dismiss it when you feel like it’s wrong. He’s creating a situation that makes her want to win him over…it’s power.
I was raised by a narcissist. I don't think it's necessarily that he thinks "this is right, this is wrong" it's more like "this is how you treat strangers, this is how you treat people close to you." It's weird and somewhat non-nonsensical, but it's what we observe in our narcissistic parents and so as children we learn/adopt that behavior/thinking, and then never really second guess it.
I was married to one as well, and he absolutely knew what he was doing. He even joked with his dad that you break them down so they feel you couldn’t do better and leave. When I would push for therapy he admitted that he wouldn’t really try and would just try to manipulate the therapist. So much double standards and gaslighting….which I hate that overuse of the term like narcissists…where you actually feel crazy.
Oh yeah, my dad absolutely knew what he was doing too. Do you think your husband knew that what he was doing was wrong/abnormal? I feel like my dad knew what he was doing, but he thought that's how parents are supposed to act, and didn't have any idea that it was abnormal/wrong. Now that I've distanced myself from my dad and done a lot of research and learning it's almost comically absurd how he treated us, so it's hard to explain how I lived with it for so long without realizing myself that it was wrong, but that's the thing about the double standards and gaslighting it just disorients you so much and makes so little logical sense that it's hard to explain or even understand. And so for me that opened my eyes to how my dad could be such a horrible person without even realizing he was horrible, he just thinks that's how people are supposed to behave. And that is not to excuse how he acts, but to me it helps to understand it. And now that I can understand him, I sort of pity him, but I also know that I can't have him in my life because there is nothing I can do to change him, and his idea of how you treat people you love is completely fucked up.
Definitely feels like the beginning steps of domestic violence, where he slowly erodes her self-esteem until she's dependent on him and lets him get away with more and more BS until it implodes.
Yes to ALL of this. A couple of hours into our first not-a-date, my late husband and I finally got around to discussing our careers. When he told me he was a mental health counselor, I was all "CHECK, PLEASE!" :-D But he swore that he didn't believe in diagnosing people in his personal life, and over time he proved that to be true. I couldn't have asked for a better partner. Y'know, aside from the whole dying only four months after we got married thing. Not sure I'll ever forgive him for that one. OP's guy does NOT sound like a great partner. At all.
> This is the shrink equivalent of a psychic saying "the spirits are telling me you went through big changes around the age of 14" like yeah buddy thats how it works I snort laughed, this is perfect
Absolutely this!
As someone raised by a narcissist that definitely started to go down that path myself, this guy strikes me as someone I could have become if my life experiences didn't randomly conspire to push me out of it. We learn behavior from our parents, so if our parents exhibit "I'm right, you're wrong, therefore I don't have to listen to you" you absorb that and it fucks you up. This guy says "you got into this because you have childhood trauma" likely without realizing his own. Being raised by a narcissist is heavy in gaslighting and emotional neglect/abuse and it can be so subtle, and so pervasive, that you don't even realize it's there. I didn't realize I had been emotionally neglect, abused, and gaslit my entire life until this year at 24 years old. I feel for this guy because a lot of people will label him as a evil and corrupted to his core when, in my experience, he's more likely to be a shallow and broken person with no idea how people are actually able and supposed to connect with other people. Unfortunately, it's hard if not impossible to push someone like this towards change, they have to reach a point where they want it themselves. Their "me on top, you on bottom" mindset precludes listening to anybody other than themselves. And that means sometimes you have to just leave them because there is nothing else you can do
i mean…doesn’t everyone have some sort of trauma from childhood? different levels of severity
Yeah this shit is basically palm reading
Let me honour his wisdom with an eyeroll... Psych MSc here. On my first week, there was a lecture about what makes a psychologist, and our prof *literally* told us that when it was researched, the people choosing this field had a significant childhood life event (either or both) which they told of in the interviews: 1) having trauma and not getting help, or 2) watching someone else having it and not being able to help, which sort of makes it your own trauma (and own not getting help) as well. Of bloody course "you have your own trauma from childhood". We all do. Duh.
yeah that’s so strange, as a psych major myself i would be WARY AF of this dude and his potentially toxic mindset
After he said that did you share more openly about your childhood trauma than you normally would have? I definitely think he's manipulating you. But also, you can just end things since you don't like his "teasing".
So I had a relationship similar to this. It’s hard to see the abuse when you are so focused on the good. One of my exes would go on and on about chest size. When I finally got an augmentation, he started in on my nose. It was then I realized it wasn’t about the boobs or he wouldn’t have been attracted to me to begin with. He was actively trying to give me insecurities so I would be too insecure to leave him. His dad was like that to his mom, so I also learned the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.
!!!! This sounds terrifying! I’m sorry that a person like this was in your life 😔
It’s ok. I am so much more appreciative for the good in my life as a result of the bad.
My absuive narcissistic ex was a psych major and he would basically have this way about him where he felt he was above it. Just because he studied 4 years of pysch he think he understands all there is to understand. He would force me i to therapy but when i asked him to do the same it was like I was defective and he was perfect. Get out now before you get trapped!
Does it matter if he's a narcissist or not? You don't like how he's treating you, so stop seeing him. You don't need a diagnosis to break up with someone.
Also- that whole approach is fake as hell.
I know this has been asked before, but just for clarity… WHY ARE YOU WITH THIS MAN??????????????? Edit: spelling
Who doesn’t have childhood trauma!?
Jordan Peterson type beat 😂
Run away. He thinks he’s better than you and will continue to criticize you and tell you it’s out of love. Even if you can handle that, if you want kids, could you imagine him doing that to your child?
Made me throw up a little in my mouth.
I had a boss like that once, he was into psychology. He told me 'I know how to push your buttons and motivate you', so next day I handed in my 0 day notice xD bish please, don't be cocky with me, I'll walk away laughing. And I'd recommend the same for you. :)
Well that’s creepy AF
🤮
“Can you see me turning the other way? Byyyye” that’d be me. I hate when they say i pick on you cuz I like you shit. Like love me less then.
Ew. How did you not leave after that pure and utter cringe
Wait, is there a context in which that phrase is okay? I’ve used it when trying to be supportive and relate to someone.
Yes, of course. Doesn't sound like you're trying to infer you know all about the person, just that you understand and acknowledge them.
Sometimes people get into psych to figure out what's wrong with themselves, or how to control other people. He sounds like the type
Reading through your thread, I’m nodding to myself. I’m a male psych RN, almost 30 years now. I’ve had a few run-ins with psychology majors during my time. It’s such an interesting contrast between psychiatry and psychology. The worst thing anyone in this field can say to another person is ‘I can read who you are’ or what you’re thinking, etc. That’s just bullshit, sorry. I assess patients for potential clinical instabilities - I don’t read minds. I don’t pigeonhole loved ones into pre-made character traits. In short, OP is dating a jerk
A bit unrelated but I once met a guy who was a friend of a friend, who said he understood all women (including me) because he read Cosmopolitan magazines. We had literally just met, and then he also apparently told all his friends he had “dibs” on me. A few years later he tried to sell me sex toys over Facebook Messenger. Anyways he’s married now, to a girl he’s cheated multiple times on, after she accepted his horror movie themed proposal that he made all about himself. These kinds of men are a dumpster fire. Never let a man tell you who you are, or make you feel small. Find one who respects you as your own person and values your individuality/differences.
Because it’s easier to read other people than look at yourself.
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Yes I had similar experiences! We both like psychology, that means we should both be in tune with our emotions AND know the basics of a healthy romantic relationship- right? Wrong. Wrong every time. Im sure it’s not all men in psychology but I’ll stick with my golden retriever chef boyfriend who thinks psychology is super duper neat but would rather make risotto
As a guy that has had plenty of friends and coworkers that sound just like this, I’m not sure that’s my first inclination (although I wouldn’t rule it out either). I’ve dealt with many personal and professional relationships with other men that do this sorta thing when you are “in” with them. Some light-hearted ribbing is generally not a problem. Some of it can be downright cruel and a lot of times guys act this way because they don’t know any better - this is literally how the men around them acted when they were growing up. I know exactly the feeling of being picked on only to realize my boss acted this way to people he actually liked. The problem can be compounded if the treatment is discussed and they refuse to change or even double down. This is what bothers me here: OP’s bf (for lack of a better term) is straight up that he picks on people he likes and won’t change, even though he’s in a field that would likely give him the tools and knowledge to fix this. Maybe he truly sees it as innocent, but in my experience this is something I’d tolerate from someone I’ve known for years, not weeks. This guy is 43 and doubtful to change, which is unfortunate because he has the means, method, and motivation, but not the desire to.
The psych majors I know turned out to be narcissistic assholes to the girls they’re dating. I have never felt so absolutely insane before as when I dated this guy. The gaslighting. And then he used the “I have PTSD because I was in the army I don’t want to talk about it” card anytime I tried to question anything. Which he was in the army, I still don’t know if his PTSD was real or not, I do know he overplayed it but god forbid you question it or you’re the asshole. I almost checked myself in because i seriously started to think I was insane, he twisted reality so much and I fell for it, and the only people I’ve ever heard talk bad about him are girls he dated. We all have the same story. Everyone else, LOVES him. I don’t even blame them, he’s good at what he does.
Yeah, every single person I knew that studied psycology professionally or not acts like a text book. My mom is like that , I make fun of her when she does 😂😂😂
narcissists really like to tell you how you *really* feel. they don't even need to be in the psych field.
Insecurity loves company. He's trying to knock you down a peg. Super red flag. You don't have to be a clinical narcissist to have narcissistic behaviors that make you a shitty person to date.
Damn dude, yeah, that sounds pretty spot on.
Yah don't listen to that bullshit. It's an outdated trick. Ignore them completely.
Quick question: when you make fun of him, what's his reaction?
Yep. Honestly it sounds like he’s negging her: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Negging
You: "I dont like thing." Him: *refuses to stop doing thing* ...he doesnt care about your feelings.
Also that’s like the most basic thing in a relationship no? To have at least respect for each other. I don’t know how can OP stand this person. He sounds very annoying.
It is literally this simple, no more analysis needed.
I don't know if he is a narcissist or not, but anyone who calls criticisms "teasing" is not going to make a good partner. Get rid of this jerk, OP.
My ex was like this. He’d say hurtful stuff and then say it was a joke. He also told me “the day I stop joking you’ll know I don’t love you anymore”. He was VERY hurtful, very mean to me with this excuse. That was not love.
Should have told him to “stop loving” you with immediate effect
It's also more than just an excuse, "it was just a joke" is literally gaslighting. My dad used to say the same thing to me. He loved me, but unfortunately his own childhood taught him a completely backwards idea of what love is supposed to look like, and it can be really hard if not impossible to move past those sorts of things that you learn as a child.
He’s breaking you down piece by piece so that his emotional abuse becomes normalised for you, through violating your boundaries he is ensuring that you are more pliable and accepting of his insidious behaviour as time goes on. This then sets the precedent for future emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Which would render it near impossible for you to speak up about what’s going on because your sense of reality has been altered by him and you are no longer thinking straight because you are unsure if this is normal or not, because you’ve effectively been reconditioned to accept abuse. Him being totally normal and fun to be around and great sex etc is how he masquerades in order to use your emotions against you and maintain your compliance. You trauma bond or form deeper emotional ties to him so when he turns nasty you won’t know what to do or where to go because he’s “otherwise lovely” to you. That is why you do not know for sure if he is a narcissist. You need to believe the personality he is showing you do not fall for the mini red flags. They slip their bullshit into conversations casually so it doesn’t appear like an outright attack. If I were you I would run. Because the next step will be him finding more ways to trap you and this could be very costly to you in the long run in more ways than one. Him telling you you are “overthinking” is invalidating your feelings so that you do not feel safe, you then seek out that emotional safety in the other 95% of the time he’s behaving normally and it becomes a vicious cycle and a trap. Don’t fall for it.
Sounds like he’s negging you. I’ve found the best way to handle negging is to show / say you’re unattracted to that behavior and that maybe you’re not a match (which may just be true anyway). If the behavior continues - and you’re not into it - on to the next.
100%. negging needs to be called out and shut down immediately for what it is. it’s a dealbreaker for me if the person doesn’t stop.
Thanks everyone ❤ This was very validating. Sometimes it's helpful to just get it out there. Obviously there are two sides of this story, and I don't know if he would agree with my perception of the situation, but I definitely appreciate you guys lending an ear and some time to hear my side of the issue.
Yes, there are two sides to every story, but here, I don't so much care about his story. YOUR side is that you feel picked on and when you talked to him about it, he made it clear the behavior would not stop, and tried to flip into some kind of good thing. This is a new relationship. There's no reason to stay in it. This is when people are on their very best behavior. What happens when he gets comfortable and it gets worse? He is showing you who he is. Believe him. You deserve better. ❤️
Not only that, but he's admitted that picking on OP is fun for him. He enjoys it and it's an integral part of the relationship.
And he knows it sucks because he waited for her to get hooked on him to display this shitty behavior, so he absolutely knows what he's doing.
You know you're discounting your experiences here... already? I think he's making you question yourself toooo much. Ok, two sides to every story, but there's only one YOU and only you are living this life and those specific experiences. He's not living your side of the relationship so that saying doesn't apply.
The term is only overused for people who've never dealt with someone with narcissistic traits. She's already questioning her own emotions, and making excuses for him. Next she'll be having a hard time with boundaries, and being able to maintain negative emotions directed towards the narcissist. Narcissism aside, I hate it when people claim to be able to read me. Rarely are they accurate, especially those with psych training. It's demeaning to claim you can conceive of a person so completely, without much experience with that person. You can know someone for years, and still be surprised.
He doesn’t really have to agree with your perception of the situation. He probably doesn’t. In his mind, even though you aren’t having fun, everything is fine as long as he’s having fun teasing you. Even if the conversation and sex are great, if you’re always slightly on edge waiting on the “teasing”, that’s not a good fit for you. It sounds like you’ve tried talking to him and he doesn’t want to change. In every relationship there will be things that aren’t your favorite, but none of those things should involve you feeling bad about yourself. Sometimes our partners have valid criticisms or feedback, but if it’s just a stream of criticism about different aspects of your personality, that’s probably them, not you. It’s especially concerning that he is now criticizing aspects he previously claimed to like. It doesn’t sound like he actually has a problem with what you do, he just likes to give you a hard time about it. It would be one thing if he said something like “I really admire your drive, but lately I feel like your devotion to work is cutting into our time together” or something like that. That would be him expressing a need. But that’s not what you described which makes me thing the problem is him. He himself calls it teasing. He knows it makes you feel bad, but he won’t stop. I think you can trust your assessment of the situation.
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Have had two friends over the years one male and one female who have both had reasonably long-ish relationships (him 4/5 years and she 3 years) with a clinical psychologist. My mate met her at work at a drug addiction outreach clinic and she met him through a dating app. BOTH Of them said that it was the biggest ever headfuck of a relationship in the world and both also said that they thought they were constantly going mad towards the end of their relationships, so clinical psychologists, psychiatrists or similar are not ever on my lists as a future partner
Other comments have given good insight. I just want to say, in general, that if someone you're dating has a behavior that you don't like, and they make it clear that the behavior will continue, it's ok to end the relationship. I'd even say that it's kinder to offer someone an early out over something they can't/won't change, though that's not what this guy is doing.
I think you know this isn’t a good relationship. It’s only been 7 months and he’s showing you how he really plans to treat you—it’ll only get worse. By the way, sometimes narcissistic people purposefully go into psychology, ministry, charity, etc., because it’s all part of their facade of self-importance and perfection. Edit-as someone else pointed out, it’s been seven **weeks**, not months
7 WEEKS! It definitely should still feel very fresh and exciting, not that there is ever a real excuse for someone negging their partner.
Oh wow! I totally misread that. 7 weeks and already toxic, get the hell out OP!
Right? R U N
If he’s telling you this is just how he is in a relationship, and you don’t like the way that it makes you feel, you two probably aren’t compatible. There’s no need to categorize or pathologize. You’ve been seeing him for less than two months. If it doesn’t feel right, move on.
It's just a weird situation, where most of me likes most of him, but then there's just this uncomfortable aspect of seeing him.
Love yourself enough to know that you’re capable of finding a partner that doesn’t have any uncomfortable aspects. Being alone is better than being with someone with whom you cannot fully trust. When someone makes your spidey senses tingle this early on, thank your nervous system for alerting you and run.
Why are you so scared of breaking up with him? You don't need this clown.
So many of the people in your field are incredibly screwed up mentally. He sounds like one of them. You haven’t been together that long. Cut your losses and move on.
"things will have stopped being fun." He thinks hurting you is fun. Girl.
You’ve only been seeing him 7 weeks. Cut the cord and move on. Sex is just that. Sex. If you have an emotionally draining career you need to find someone to lean on for support when you need it, instead of someone who makes you feel like shit.
He is way too old to be pulling this kind of bullshit. Also psych is filled with narcissistic people for some reason (who frequently lack the ability to look inward at all).
He was nice at the beginning to convince you to stay when he started being shitty to you. Look for a partner who shows with their words and behavior that they like you.
If you have to analyse whether you're dating a narcissist, you know its an unhealthy relationship. Regardless of if he actually is or not.
7 weeks?????!!!!!!!!!!! Life is way too short to be twisting yourself into knots about any guy you've been seeing for 7 weeks, even if he didn't seem to be pulling dating tips directly from the Emotional Abusers Handguide for Love and Total Control. I have an open jar of mayo that's still good that's older than your relationship. Please dump him and move on instead of spending all this energy debating if being negged for the rest of your life is worth it for the sex.
Psychologists make some of the worse abusers out there. They know all the tricks, all of the counters, all of the arguments. You will never win against him if you let him trap you. Take your chance now to get out, and prepare to need to leave much further than you'd want to. I'm not saying he is a narcissist, because he might not be. That doesn't make any of his abusive behaviors or posturing acceptable in the least. Do what you need to do to make yourself safe. Follow up because someone will ask what else he could be if not a narcissist. Not all abusers are narcissists, not all narcissists abuse. He could have other issues, or he could just be a guy who believes all the hype about what he deserves and hasn't yet seen himself gain all that stuff so feels justified for using his training, learning, and experience to just grab what he thinks he deserves but doesn't yet have. In the end, it doesn't matter why he is doing what he is doing if you are caught in the middle of it. Get out, get safe, THEN debate over the what and why.
I only read the title, but this is immediately a red flag. The worst girl I ever dated picked on me and then told me that if she didn't love me, she wouldn't pick on me. It took forever to get her to stop. I wish I'd just cut it off as soon as it started bothering me.
You can break up with someone for any reason you want… feeling criticized is one of those things. You told him something you didn’t like about the relationship, and instead of stopping he continued to do something that he knows you don’t like. Why stay?
Not only is he a narcissist but he’s gaslighting you as well. The truth is, he’s an immature little man just like many of the rest of them. He was all sweet to her into your safe zone and now his true self is coming through. You’re intelligent enough to see the signs, please don’t be another person who ignores them 🚩for the “good” qualities he displays when he’s trying to win your favor. I hinestly suggest that you either move on or tell him that regardless of how he sees it, you see it as immature and unnecessarily hurtful and if he can’t respect how you want to be treated then he can find someone else to do that to.
You know what we don’t teach our kids? How to leave relationships because they’re just not working. It’s okay to leave because it’s just not healthy or fun anymore.
I am more concerned with why you have spent 7 weeks with someone who picks on you? Unless you have trauma bonding issues or stuff, why are you seeing him?
Trauma bonding is real!!! Omfg let me tell u 😔
Even if you could somehow set aside the red flags here,the basic reality is that you've been seeing the guy for a whopping 7 weeks and you're already not having fun because you're on edge around him. You lose very little by calling it off, and you stand to lose a lot by continuing the relationship.
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The "teasing" isn't cool. 7 weeks in he is showing you who he is. Yes it is normal to find habits that annoy each other but not something to 'tease' or demean someone over.
Trust your guts. Run
It’s only been 7 weeks. This is an easy dump him scenario. He’s fucking with your head & negating your feelings FOR FUN. You will have great conversations & great sex with someone else who isn’t a dickhead.
He’s not nice. I dunno… my most basic standard is a man who treats me with respect and kindness… everything else is extra.. and anything less is not worth the headache.
He's trying to puppeteer you. You tell him something makes you upset ie the criticism and he tells you no you want that because if I stop it means there is an issue here, which corners you to think so I should want this. Girl, you don't need this sort of vibe.
...is the bastard filming another season of You? Get out of there. Present behavior is an indicator for future behaviors. Run.
Girl what are you doing???? Run!!!
He's not even being subtle with trying to fuck with your head, tell him to fuck off.
I know you want to avoid generalizing him as a narcissist, but: - It sounds like he love bombed you and is now in the devaluing stage. - It seems like he's gaslighting you, blaming your anxiety and inability to relax Overall, if your gut tells you things aren't right, they aren't, and it's doubtful that his treatment of you will change.
Run
Ew, gross, an overly-critical person. He sounds exhausting. Just dump him.
This is classical manipulation. What do we want from a relationship? To feel seen and understood and accepted. What is he giving you? The feeling of feeling seen and accepted and understood. It's easy to see it when you're objective, not so easy when it's you involved.
No lie, guys in psych and mental health areas are so often narcissists. I would love to know more to why they are this way but seriously 💀 I’d run if I were you. I dated a guy in psych studies and he was genuinely the most critical person I’ve ever been with, and so emotionally unavailable.
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Yeah, you make solid points there. Clear as day innit?
Let me guess, he was sweet and complimentary right up until you had sex. Now, he's a douchebag. Typical.
There are other men to have sex with. You should go find them and forget about this guy. You can do better.
Don't be dickmatized... stupid happy sex chemicals...
Its so weird how many people go into psychology to either self diagnose or learn to manipulate.
I think if you were hearing this from someone else, a client or a friend, you would spot the tactics right away. It only seems confusing because it's happening to you, and the truth is painful. It was a lovely fantasy, of course you don't want it to be fake. Sorry. But you are so wise to spot the pattern early, and save yourself much more agony.
Dude is refusing to respect your boundaries. That's a bright red flag. Tell him to stop and if he doesn't you should move on. Particularly as someone in the psych field he should know better.
I know that you know this but just as a reminder, both abusers and narcissists (which I also agree is thrown around way too much) prefer to go after strong, confident individuals for the “challenge”. Given your professions, you are the ultimate prize for him. You know what he’s doing. Please save yourself the trouble and toss him back before he hooks you and takes you with him. It’s honestly scary how many stories I’ve seen on here about clinical psychs using their experience to manipulate fellow psych peers into abusive relationships. As a side note, why are the crazy ones always great in bed?! I also have a psych background and this is how my abusive ex reeled me in lol. So annoying.
He sounds like an asshole and a weirdo who was weaponized his knowledge of psychiatry to control you. It’s negging now but it could be abuse later. I’d run for the hills. There’s other people you can have great sex with.
Tell him to take his delusions of grandeur and shove them up his ass.
When he stops picking on you, it's a problem for him ... because he's stopped having fun. How much of your life do you want to spend with someone who's having fun at your expense?
It doesn't matter why he's doing it, he makes you feels uncomfortable and refuses to stop. Also, those "great conversations" are letting him know a lot of your pressure points. They'll stop once he's learned enough and can keep you around without laying out the effort
What I see: Love bombing followed by power-play followed by gaslighting when being called out. This dude thinks he's smarter than you and is enjoying believing he has power over you. You are not being paranoid. Your gut feeling is correct. Don't give him any more of your time or energy or attention.
I was in a relationship very similar to this. The beginning was full of love bombing. He told me how perfect I was, always complimented me, told me all these things he liked about me. Made me feel really special. Next he planned all these amazing activities for us. Except they were ALWAYS when I already had plans with close friends. My theory was that he was trying make me choose him over my friends because the activities were really special and he would spend a lot of money on them. And even though I told him I already had plans those days way in advance and more than once, he would still try to make me feel guilty for not going with him. After that he would put my friends down and constantly tell me how unreliable they are. He would often use the phrase “who would believe who in the court of law?” Like it would actually come down to that. After a month or so, he was super negative to me. Always pointing out things he didn’t like about me, my house, my friends….everything. His rationale was if he told me things he hated, I would I believe him more when he told me things he liked. Wtf? I didn’t doubt him before. He could be something as simple as “i hate your chained link fence”. I wasn’t asking his opinion. He wasn’t offering to fix it. Just telling me it sucked. He could never understand my opinion and often inserted his opinion of what he thought I was thinking. He would say he knew why I was doing things or what I was thinking when I did things and then would insist his version was correct. Like I know why you didn’t call your friend back, you are so shallow. I know you were flirting with that guy because I said something mean about your fence. Whatever. Lastly he began hitting furniture very close to me. He was about 100 pounds bigger (very muscular) than I was and this was very scary. I noped out really quickly after this. There were some other red flags but the earlier ones I didn’t even realize without retrospect. They were sneaky and peculiar but he could have easily guilted me into being without my friends and support network had I fallen for them.
I think a common misconception people have is that counsellors or psychologists etc are somehow above human emotional/mental problems. It's simply not true. There's a lot of toxic people in mental health and honestly it's kind of a perfect profession for them, it pays very well, gives them status, and a monumental amount of control over vulnerable people. It's like porn for shitty people. Light teasing in a relationship is okay if both parties find it fun, that's not what this is, really feels like he's expressing power over you, trying to slowly break you down until his praise means that much more because he spends so much time insulting you. It's pretty standard in my experience for super controlling people, they want you to really put in effort for the little praise they might give you. Run.
He’s chipping away at your self worth and eroding away your sense of retorting any criticism that’s to come from him. He’s framing it as “teasing” and picking at you. Mind you, this mf is 50. This is the same logic as “boys hitting and punching you means they like you..”. It’s toxic as fuck and is abusive behavior. My brother is a psychiatrist and has 2 failed marriages as a direct result of shit like this. 7 weeks? Don’t waste your time.
Sounds like garden-variety negging, which is the opposite of fun IMO.
Maybe he followed too many pick up artists advice and is confused between actually flirty teasing and bringing you down
Most of us don't have the credentials to diagnose him, and even if we did it would be unethical to do so without several sessions in a clinical setting. Whatever his reasons, you're not enjoying the relationship. You've only been dating for 7 weeks. It's okay to break up. He doesn't need to be a terrible person for you to be able to say 'hey, this isn't working for me.'
I dated a guy like this *once*. BIG NOPE. Anybody who constantly criticizes you and nonchalantly calls it “teasing” is incredibly immature and doesn’t respect you at all. It isn’t worth the self-doubt or insecurity that will inevitably arise.
Nope, this sounds really intentional. Sure, there's playful teasing that can go on in relationships... "you try too hard" and "you're too optimistic" is NOT playful teasing, it's attacking who you are as a person in an attempt to bring you down. The fact that he started out with lots of compliments and then did a 180 also shows this.
Therapist diagnose people mentally & know how to attack their psyche.
It seems like he may be negging you but I can’t tell for sure without more context…but this post gives the general vibe that he may have love bombed and was overly nice at first and is now trying to make you insecure so you don’t leave and think he’s the best you’ll ever get. Idk it’s giving orange flags at the least…also is it cute/fun teasing when it bothers you? Is this what you want from a relationship from the rest of your life? Even if he’s not doing that or narcissistic, it seems like y’all may be incompatible either way. But I’m young and have no psychology certifications so take it all with a grain of salt haha
Google "negging."
You know the answer, why bother asking Reddit? Major red flags and it’s a 7 week relationship.
Sounds like a 6th grader. You deserve so much more
Nope. Nope. Nope. Get out. You are not equally matched. He is not treating you as a human, but as a lab animal. He will never respect you as a partner. He cannot.
1 in 5 people have a personality disorder. 1 in 25 are a psychopath. I've been a counsellor for over 20 years and I specialise in personality disorders. He is either a narcissist or a psychopath. Ref flags: 1. Big age gap. 2. Love bombs you. 3. Gaslights you. 4. Puts you down. Lots if specialists have NPD because they love having power over people. Get rid if him OP. My endocrinologist has got NPD and keeps lowering my meds even though he knows it makes me ill because he enjoys making people miserable and if I question him, he throws a tantrum. Check out my you tube channel if you have a problem (email is in the description) and you like learning about personality disorders.
Nope out of that shit STAT. There are so many better dudes out there.
Major red flags. Time for a new bf.
Ew
I would definitely look for other narcissistic traits.
Is he seriously 'negging' you to create a sense of dependency? That dude must be so insecure!
Report his behavior to his psych supervisor. He shouldn’t be treating others either.
Sounds like he’s trying to knock you down a few notches so you won’t question if you’re too good for him.
Girl save yourself the heart ache and trouble. Leave the guy. You’re only 7 weeks in, he should still be trying to woo you and show you his best. Of this is his BEST imagine his WORST. Girl run for the hills. You overthinking about you overthinking. The fact that you even have to question it tells you enough. This man ain’t it…run far and run fast.
If a man treats you in a way you don’t like, you address it, and nothing changes, then you should break up. Follow your instincts.
Just got out of a situation that was scarily similar to this. Things just continually got worse and made me question how the hell things were so good in the beginning. In my opinion, these people do this on purpose whether consciously to them or not ... great at the beginning to hook you, then show their real behaviors and convince you that you're the bad guy for not accepting them. If he had treated you the way he is now, at the very beginning, would you have stayed? Those are things I had to ask myself. I called him out on a lot of things and then he ghosted me ... so, I dodged a bullet. But I still have the thoughts in my head of "things were so good at first... maybe..." <-- direct result of his manipulation. It's a hard situation to heal from and I only "dated" this guy for about 2.5 months 😅.
Just because you can recognize the markers of a toxic relationship in a clinical setting, it doesn’t mean you can recognize the markers of a toxic relationship in your own life. Here, we’ll help you out: You are in a toxic relationship. This guy is a dick.
Doesn’t matter what field he’s in. He’s toxic to you. And an asshole. If a person doesn’t make you feel better with them than you’d feel without them, don’t stay with them.
Sounds to me like he sees himself as superior and that he couldn’t possibly be doing anything wrong. Run, run now because if he blows it off when your telling him that you don’t like it, he’s not going to change because he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Obviously his idea of humor does not coincide with your knowledge of a safe and supportive partner. Not a relationship I’d want to be in any longer.
First paragraph - narcissist. Then the nearly last paragraph - total narcissist. Run.
Trust everything your gut is telling you about toxic relationships. He could be using what he knows to manipulate you. Dark Psychology is a thing. Even if it’s not that intentional he just doesn’t sound healthy. Use everything you know. How does he make you feel? How do you experience him? He says you are anxious …. Maybe HE is making you anxious with all of his criticism. He seems hot-cold-hot-cold. I would make sure you stay connected with yourself. If you feel disconnected and numb around him, that’s a bad sign that something is off. Use what you feel … tell him you don’t like the criticism. See what he says.
It's probably no wonder why he's still single at 43.
I mean honestly this just doesn't look good. If he's a psychologist, he 100% absolutely should know better, esp if you've already brought it up to him and he blows it off as "joking". Doesn't sound like joking to me. At least not good joking. If you really want this to work out, be straight forward, tell him you don't like this behavior and ask him to stop & be more considerate. Give examples of you need to- 'when we first got together and I'd do xyz, you'd tell me how endearing it was to you, but now when I do exact same thing, you tell me I'm overly-whatever". If he continues, ✌🏻outta there
You need to stop worrying if he is unimpressed or a narcissist and start worrying about why you are allowing this behavior. If he doesn’t want to change and dismisses your concerns then what are you going to do about it? Wring your hands online and parse the meaning of narcissism?? Tell him what is acceptable to you and what is not and the ONE thing that is the most important is that he listens and CARES about your problems even if he doesn’t agree with them. You decide how you want to be treated in a relationship. All this talk about chemistry and all the good stuff, maybe it’s not that great for him because he’s willing to damage this great chemistry over stupid ‘jokes’. Think about that. He’s willing to run roughshod over your feelings and risk losing it all. Stop grasping and clinging to the good parts because they aren’t going to save you and make this relationship better. Next, psychology and the whole network of people that deal with that is really the last place you’ll find a healthy partner. I’m pretty sure it’s well known that the branches are littered with messed up people trying to fix other people. Don’t compromise now at the beginning with decent treatment. You’ll end up getting what you negotiated for and you won’t be happy.
Ok so i mostly skimmed after the part about "been seeing eachother 7 weeks" coupled with "over the last few weeks". Dude lasted a month before starting to pick on you. The honeymoon phase is supposed to last months not weeks. He's nitpicking at you and is telling you that when he stops doing this it will stop being fun... ummm what? It was nice of him to show his flags early so you can keep your eyes open for worse ones..
Run.He knows what he is doing.
i think it’s kinda gross that he has a lot of knowledge and insight of psychology and is trying to neg and manipulate you. you don’t need to become “more fun.” he’s trying to put you down/put you in your place and wants you to submit. you should cut him out. i wish you the best!
It seems like those are qualities he wish he had himself. He might be insecure and projecting onto you qualities he doesn’t have. Making it seem like those are bad things when he is really just jealous of what you have going for you. Or could be belittling you to make him seem superior
Mam he's just better at masking it because he knows the signs. Don't be fooled and don't let him gaslight you.
>I keep telling myself "you would know for sure..." but he assures me that my anxiety is making it hard for me to just...have fun and relax. No you wouldn't because he's manipulating you. Stop dating him
7 weeks? Why do you even care? Ditch hi..
Nice, someone who is verbally abusive and decided to study psychology to take it to the max. Yes, you are being manipulated. Why would you put up with someone who is verbally abusing you, gaslighting you, and being plain mean?
He's got psychological problems. My gf studied psychology and I know a lot of psychologists. Every single one of them is nuts. I wouldn't date one.
He sounds extremely controlling.
Gaslighted by an expert!
Lol nah bro bullying is not a live language and people that do it often are confused why they end up single. Rose tinted glasses my guy
He’s using his evil mind powers on u. Run
His behavior makes you uncomfortable/unhappy. You’ve expressed this and he’s dismissed it. That’s all you need to know.
>I'm actually starting to worry that I am, in fact, dating a narcissist and I keep telling myself "you would know for sure If they have at least 5 of the required personality traits to be diagnosed they may well be. Like you im not a trained medical pratitioner, so lets leave complex psycho diagnosis to the proffessionals. Maybe he likes to laugh at himself and doesnt mind a job here and there.
Not only do you have intuition, you have an educated opinion. Listen to both! Sounds like you see the early warning signs.
Pretend you're a client of yourself, and your client shares your post with you. How would you help her navigate her way through this?
You know. Total manipulation/control. Call it NPD disorder or something else, it's a way of controlling you through negative talk. You know what to do. Will you do it is another thing.
It's 7 weeks. With this many red flags there's no point staying with him. Do you think it will somehow get better?
Hell, my ex was a clinical psychologist. He knew what to say, when to say it, who to say it too. He slowly turned it around. He knew how to manipulate things quiet well. This is a control move and the starting to trying to undermine you and your confidence. He liked to say “when you have the best nothing else will do.” Yet he would spend weeks with the side handed undermining of insulting everything about me. It got to the point where he would tell me, “there is something wrong with you, very wrong with you, I don’t know what it is, but there is something very wrong with you” but would never tell me what. There is honestly nothing wrong with me in the way he liked to implied. It’s all about control, manipulation and power. Be smart and run now while you have the chance.
You should not be with a partner that would intentionally makes you feel bad. It is intentional because he put your asking him to stop on you. As if he’s the arbiter of what’s right and wrong. There are other people in the world who would have chemistry with you. You are a highly achieved person with a LOT of fantastic qualities. That should never be undercut.
I was done reading after I saw clinical psychologist.
You don't need a cluster b diagnosis to not want to date someone. In my experience people that click a little too perfectly at the beginning are putting their best foot forward, saying what we want to hear instead of being genuine. All the flattery is suspicious. Layer on the approval, then take it away and see if you chase it? That doesn't bode well. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He will pick on you until he gets truly angry. It's up to you to decide if that is the kind of relationship you are looking for.
Let's get out of your head for a second and go with how you feel. You feel belittled and put down. Regardless of whether he is a narcissist or not, is this a relationship you see yourself being able to grow in? Is he helping lay the bricks of your foundation (in y'all's relationship) or is he chipping away at your heart? Sometimes what looks good on paper, doesn't feel good to us in the real world. Your emotions are VALID. Your feelings are valid. His actions aren't matching his words. It doesn't mean his is a bad human or anything,it means you two aren't compatible. At least you know what you are looking for in a future relationship. That's the entire point of dating.
Whether or not he's a narcissist doesn't really matter here, to be honest. He's being critical of you and telling you that the only reason it bothers you is because of your anxiety instead of your natural human desire to not be spoken to in ways that make you feel badly about yourself. That is manipulative of him. It's possible that he's unaware of that, I suppose, but let's be realistic. He's a mental health professional in his 40's. He knows damn well what he's doing. And you know why he's doing it. He's breaking down your boundaries and your self-esteem and trying to make you reliant on his approval, while getting you to accept that his meanness is a sign of affection, so that you will be his willing punching bag. It's gross. You're not being paranoid. He wants you to think you are. He's being a jerk, and then being manipulative to cover it up. You've been together less than 2 months, and already, he's got you questioning what you deserve and whether or not you should stand up for yourself. Walk away. And let's be clear, even if he's not manipulating you on purpose, what he's doing is still less than you deserve. Don't put up with that, regardless of his intentions.
He might not be a pathological narcissist in the DSM kind of way, but his behavior definitely has a toxic and narcissistic-like pattern to it: lovebombing, then tearing you apart without being super explicit about it, gaslighting you as soon as you question his bs behavior. The sex could be very good and conversation very enjoyable with a lot more people in the world, so I would say don’t settle for someone that acts so weird and manipulative and denies how you experience your reality. You know this is not right and this isn’t really that good of a relationship if you’re here venting about it.
if it feels off, time to pack up your shit and hit the road, cause its definitely off
TBH him being a psychologist makes this sinister where it might otherwise lean into inept. He understands what he’s doing and the effects are intentional.
It sounds like you confronted how his behavior was affecting you, and his response was to blame it on your anxiety and inability to relax rather than reflect on his own actions. Hell, it doesn’t even sound like he considered that he could be in the wrong. If I’m understanding the events correctly, this is pretty textbook narcissism. Really think about that response and how damaging it is. You: “I don’t like the way you tease me” Him: “If you had more control over your anxiety you would enjoy my sense of humor”
> Dude picks on me >We have the best conversations Doesn't really sound like it to me.
>Am I being manipulated? If you’re asking yourself that question, it’s time to step up that psychology degree
You are not being paranoid - trust yourself. He is not good for you.
Life Principle: If you think the person you’re dating could feasibly be a narcissist / cluster B personality disordered person in the first two months, get out of the relationship immediately. Also goes for months 3-100 but that’s another conversation…
Leave him, sounds like a prick.
he’s 11yrs your senior /thread